Love Yourself Less with Jared Freid
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One, two, three. I mean, the clap-on is underway. Welcome to I've Had It. Pumps, what have you had it with? I've had it with snail mail. I get so much junk snail mail. It's ridiculous. Like, I only go to the box like once a week because nothing I ever need is in there. And it's like all these volumes of...

flyers and credit card applications and all this shit that I'm like, I don't want any of this. I just, when I wonder when we're not going to have snail mail anymore. This goes back to, um, there's no oversight, right? Like they're just sending this out in bulk and it's been going on for a very long time. Very long.

Very long time. Same thing with the spam calls we talked about a couple of episodes ago. You've got, there's no oversight and I just want to opt out of all of it. Any solicitation, I do not want. Right.

Agreed. If I want something, I will figure out how to get it on my smartphone. Absolutely. I don't want the catalogs. No. I don't want the coupons. No. I don't want all the offers, credit card offers. No.

I don't want the, you're pre-approved for this loan. Right. And you're like, I don't want it. Racket. And then some of them, they even send you like, you think, did I order a new credit card or something? Cause it's like a fake credit card. Right. Yes. I got that yesterday. Let me ask you this since you are so much older than I am. Do you get AARP mail?

I have. Yeah. I have in the past. Yeah. Not recently, but I did. I mean, I was just like, am I fucking old enough for AARP? How old do you have to be to be in? I think I Google it. I think it's like 52-ish. Like people are retiring at 52 in this fucking world. I know. I don't know why it is. I mean, with the way our capitalism on speed is, you're just hitting your stride by then. No kidding. Yeah.

I just paid off your credit card debt. Finally. Yeah. No, I did not apply for it though. Cause I was like, I'd rather pay full price at a movie. Listener. The star of our show has a sore throat, but being dedicated to,

to this podcast and to you all, to her large, loyal fan base. She's here because our show must go on. Must go on. Sexy pumps. Yes. Sexy Lady Di with her raspy voice.

Is in the house. I've had it with snail mail. I've had it with snail mail. I've had it. I've had it with mail. Yeah. I mean, most email too. Thank goodness I have the fake account, email account for spam emails. So typically the only emails I get at my real account is...

I've instructed people to send it. So I'm not getting superfluous stuff. I only have one email box. I can't believe you of all people didn't think about it. I don't want one more thing to manage. It's like when Threads came out, I was super excited about it. Yeah. Because I don't like Elon Musk. And then I just realized this is just one more fucking thing I have to check. Every time I get on Twitter...

I feel guilty that I'm not on threads. Same. And I go to threads and sometimes it's like nothing will load. That's my problem with it. It's glitching. Have you experienced that, Kylie? Yeah. Threads is already dead pretty much. I hate to hear that. It glitches out. I was really excited about it. But then I'm just like, it's just one more thing that I have to check on my device. And I personally am trying to make my life smaller. Right. Friends.

smaller circle, smaller things to check, smaller things to observe. I want to be as small and petty as a person as I possibly can be. Make your world just smaller and pettier. That's right. Let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay. And it involves my husband. I've got one too. Okay. So we've been traveling, you know, recently we took our son up to Syracuse to move him back. And we went as a couple of

with our firstborn, and we like it up there. It's a cool college town, and he was moving into this duplex, and we wanted to get him all set up. And so I enjoy Josh. I have a lot of fun with Josh. He's the love of my life. But when we travel together, he asks just a multitude of stupid questions, almost an interrogation question.

Yeah. Stupid questions one could say. It starts at the house. What airline are we? American Airlines. Flight leaves at 9 a.m. Board at 830. Asked and answered at the house. We get in the car. What airline is it?

He's a repeater. American Airlines. What time does it board? 830. What time does it take off? Nine. How long is the flight? And then we go through all of these things. And then it just, it continues all day in airports, connecting flights. What boarding group are we? What time is it boarding? And it just goes on and on and on. And I have a new thing that I've started to do. What is it? Instead of just answering his questions-

I just hold my hand up and look at him and go, shh. I shush him. I've just started just blanket, just a blanket shush. And you know what? You'd think somebody would get mad about that. No, he doesn't. He doesn't even get mad at all. He just kind of chuckles and then just resumes the interrogation. Like you never even said it. Another, this is, these are compound had, compound complex habits that I'm getting into. Okay. But what I will say is if I ask you a question twice, you bite my head off.

So he just gets a shh. No, he gets, this is, the shush is after he's asked a question once and

probably a mild head bite off and then a full head bite off and then the shush. And then it still continues because the listener, what you'll find out about me, the veneer is tough and sassy on the inside. I mean the biggest wuss on the planet. I mean, it's all show all this tough character syndrome that I have. It's all show and no go. But anyway, so the other component of Josh that's driving me crazy is,

Is he narrates everything I do? Let me just give you an example. Everything I do, he narrates. Like I'm living my life with a narrator. Yeah.

So he's like, oh, Mama's is putting on those cute white jeans. Oh, look at her. She's looking good. Oh, Mama's is putting on her mascara. You see that, boys? Look at how good does Mama's look. Ooh, Mama's is going in for some lemon drops. I would strangle him with my bare hands. And then I get up to go get some. What's Mama's doing? Ooh, she got some water and a protein bar. Mama's is going to play pickleball. Look at Mama's. And it just goes on.

and on and on. And here's the thing. There was a time in my relationship where I wanted these problems. And I would tell my therapist, I just want normal people problems.

I don't want, I don't know where he is. He's strung out on drugs. This is so gut-wrenching. I can't breathe. Right. I don't want these problems. I want normal people problems. So what I'm saying to you out loud right now is I have gratitude for these problems. And this is the era of therapy where you fake it till you make it. Right. I have gratitude, pumps. That he's not in a ditch. That he narrates every single thing that I do. Yeah.

And asked me no less than 2,500 questions a day. Do you ever just say, shut the fuck up? I think the kids have said that to him because this also is not just personal to me. The kids get wrapped up into Josh's observations. His narration. The narration and the series of stupid questions. But I will say this. There is a component to it where he's very loving. Yeah.

Right. Just annoying as fuck. Yeah. It's an annoying love. It's an annoying love. Anyway, welcome. Wait, hold on. I have to tell my hat. Oh, okay. Go on. Okay. So the other day I'm scrolling through Instagram. Oh, now I know where this is going. And on his story, Josh has a picture of him doing pull-ups. Yep. I saw it. And I was just like, as if the Speedo was not bad enough. Now we're doing pull-ups on our Instagram. Yeah.

So yesterday when I saw him, there were a bunch of people around and everybody was talking and I just kind of leaned over and I just said, hey, saw your pull-ups on Instagram. He didn't say anything. Oh, he goes, well, you know, I have to watch everybody else's. And I was just like, all right. So we go to lunch. On the way back, you can tell he's just butt hurt about it.

and starts going, well, you know, the only reason I do that is because I have to watch everybody else's. I'm like, you really don't have to watch everybody else's. Yeah. That's what he told me. He goes, I have to watch everybody else's workout videos and everybody else's outfits of the day. And everybody else gets to do this outfit of the day. I die. And I am just like, oh, okay. All right. Everybody else gets to do crystal meth. So I'm going to go do crystal meth. I'm

And that's where we are emotionally and psychologically. What I haven't asked, because I don't want to belabor the conversation, who took the video? That's a great question. Did he set it up? Did the trainer take it?

And then what was this? How much planning went into it? Was it a day before? Knowing Josh, yes. How much romanticizing with this idea of putting this up on the World Wide Web went on before it went up? Because I'll tell you this much. I know how much effort in romanticizing he puts into each outfit and it long predates everything.

The time that the outfit gets on his body. And he put the black and white filter. Did you notice that to make it edgy? Oh, I didn't notice that. Oh, yeah. He put a little black and white filter and made it kind of edgy. Josh, I love you, honey. I'm so sorry. I love you, too. But you give us good material. Right. You're just an easy target as much as we love you. You put me through a lot, motherfucker. This is payback. Sorry, honey, but I do love you. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the star. She is the star and she is here. I'm Jennifer.

I have something that I received in the mail, speaking of snail mail. Okay. I received this at my office address, and it's a little card with butterflies glitter on it. Okay. That's nice.

And it's from a man named Brian that was at our Washington, D.C. show. And he lives in D.C. And I'm not going to read the whole card, but I'm going to read one paragraph that I think is really important. We joke around on here a lot, but this is really important to me. He says,

Thank you for your warmth and generosity during the meet and greet. So many people in that audience, ourselves included, yearn for their own family members to treat them with even half as much love and acceptance as you showed us during the time we got to spend with you. You made us feel so special and that really meant so much. Got to tear it up. And he sent us a little picture that he printed.

Of us on stage. That is so sweet. How sweet. He actually wrote a card. He wrote a card and mailed this to my office. I love that. And his name is Brian in Washington, D.C. And he came to our live show. And I just want everyone to know all the shit that we talk about. Don't take it seriously. But when it comes to standing up for marginalized groups,

and supporting them and loving them and lifting them up, more middle-aged white women need to help us do the lifting. Agreed. And men. And men. But anyway, Brian, we love you. It meant so much to get the snail mail. It really did. Now that I've ragged on snail mail. Brian, I want to tell you that I apologize for Pumps Has Had It because I really appreciate your snail mail that you sent.

Well, that's special. It's incredibly special. Right. Incredibly special snail mail that I love. And I love the butterflies, too. I do, too. That's sweet. And I love Brian. I do, too. So nice. Okay. I got a... We got a one-star review on Apple recently. And it's really good. We haven't done a hate review in quite some time. So it's a one-star. The subject of it is literally not funny and mostly nonsense. Okay.

Unfortunately, I really wanted to like this podcast, but they are just flat out rude and vulgar. Nothing they say is interesting or funny. Unfollowing as soon as I finish my review.

But he got it out the review. Did you have the same one? I did. I was going to read that one. It was so good. It's so good. Oftentimes I see stuff and I think, oh, Kylie will get it. And then you read a different one. You got to make sure. And I regret not screenshotting it. And I'm like, oh, it was such a good one. Oh, my God. That's a good one. Vulgar. I haven't been called vulgar in a minute. Here's the deal. We can psychologically analyze this person in 2.5 seconds.

Who do you think she voted for in 2016 and 2020? I don't think there's any question. I mean, it's just those are the most butthurt listeners of this podcast and of anything in life. I mean, it is butthurt, party of one. Your table's now available. Butthurt, party of one. As soon as you get through unfollowing us, you can go get seated at your butthurt table. Okay.

I mean, hysterical. Okay, today we are going to have one of our favorite guests of all time. Amazing. Join us back here again on this hit shit show of ours that people are unfollowing left and right.

Between vulgarity and cats. Oh, I mean, we are just getting sliced and diced, but that will not stop one of our favorite guests of all time, Jared Freed, from joining us again on I've Had It. Pumps, when we have an in-studio guest and we roll out our curvy white boucle sofa from Article, I just feel like this sofa is so chic.

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So, Pumps, I have been keeping something from you. What? I've been learning how to speak Italian. Oh, that's so impressive. You know, I love to go to Italy. Yes. And I love the idea of speaking a different language. And so I thought I'd like behind your back, learn how to speak Italian. You want me to try some? I do. Tpache, El Mio podcast. What does that mean? Do you like my podcast? Oh, very impressive. You can say Grazie. Say it. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie.

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Hello. There he is, our little shining star. We've been waiting for you, big boy. I mean, are you kidding me? The two most famous women in America right now? That's fucking right, Jared. Don't you forget it. The I've had it podcast women. This is, I can't believe I'm allowed back on your shot to stardom. If you weren't such an asshole. Live shows.

If you weren't such an asshole, we wouldn't even consider letting you back on. But you are 24 karat gold asshole material and you are always welcome in this safe space. I am so happy I bought in low and now I'm selling high. I get to cash in on your audience. Congratulations. Since I've been on, I have friends that reach out to me. They're like, you know Pumps?

See, and that's what we need to get at because you and I are merely riding on pumps as coattails. That is so not true. She is the star. She is the Princess Diana podcasting. She's what America wants and needs. And we're just coattail riders, you and me, Jared. That's right. I mean, listen, I follow both of you in such a way. I'm proud of you guys, even though who am I to be proud of?

proud of you guys. I'm just saying, you know, now it is unbelievable. Your videos come up everywhere. I feel a part of it in a small way. I feel like and I'm so happy for the success of the show. You guys are all over New York. You don't even call me. I don't even get like a lunch. But, you know, the little people you say, you know, you guys move on pretty quick. But I'm I

You know, listen, between going to, you know, Italy, we have we have European vacations to go on. That's right. You know, that's right. I'm in my studio apartment. I'm living in a shoebox just watching Jen and Pumps gallivant across this great world of ours. That's right. Get used to it, Jared, because there's going to be a lot more of that thirst trapping material. We have just barely scratched the fucking surface. If you're annoyed now, just wait.

Pumps is about to line up and ate a ball of cocaine, and we're really going to start this party. I will fly to Oklahoma for that party. I want to see Pumps running around telling people new app ideas she has. That's her big old line.

Can you even imagine how bad that would be? Jared, seriously, thank you so much. I think the three of us are very simpatico and we all have the same kind of just petty asshole grievances. So I think we should just get after it. What have you had it with, Jared? I have had it with, and I'll bring it to pumps because I think...

I have had it with Instagram captions. Oh, because I just did all three of my kids' birthdays. But you did a good job. Oh, I did? I love the way you did it. I'm actually using you as you are our beacon of hope. You are our light shining in the sky. You did a mom post. I love you. You're a great part of my life. Couple of heart emojis and we're out. Okay.

Was it supposed to be longer? No. The people, the captions that I see, baby's first birthdays. The captions on a baby's first birthday, you would think that these babies are retiring from GE after a 50-year career.

They're like, you're a distinguished member of this family and your personality shines through on every occasion. You're so funny and sweet. It's like, it's a baby. It's a blob. Okay. It doesn't even say its first word. It's you sat and watched it in the crib. That's all it's done for you. Let's get away from, Oh,

with the baby. One year on Earth is a better year for all of us. It's just these sonnets and soliloquies. Every Instagram caption sucks.

The people who leave New York City, have you seen an Instagram caption from a woman moving out of a major city? No. You would think we were all waving at the dock while they took off on the Titanic. You would think, oh, I spent my years here in New York City gallivanting and hopscotching and adventuring through New York City, and now I must go off to the suburbs.

I go. No, no, no. You didn't have this rom-com life in New York City. You went to the same bars as me. You took the same Ubers as me. You hooked up with a guy who was 5'8 and didn't get you off. It's over. It's over.

Yours, Pumps, was clean. It was, I love you, kid. You're my baby girl. Heart emoji. And I'm out. And I appreciated that. That's right. Because you know what she used to do when that baby girl was about three or four? Pumps would call me on the phone and I would answer it. And I'd say hello and she'd go...

Emily is the biggest fucking bitch on the planet. I mean, she drives me fucking crazy. There is not a bottle of vodka big enough that can get me through this day. At the time, Emily was three. Right. And let me tell you what I appreciated about that, Jared. That's fucking real. That's the friend I want. Right.

I want somebody who can call a toddler a fucking asshole. I like that rigorous honesty. I like the brow beating of a toddler because let's face it. What have they ever done with their lives? Nothing. They've accomplished. They've made us no money. Nothing.

They've only sucked the life out of you. That's the truth. And you know what? That's the problem with Instagram captions. Everyone goes too hard, too big. And we know that's not the reality. Like when people post every boyfriend caption, every caption that someone posts of their significant other, it's too big. It's too much.

And they never – and you can tell how bad the relationship is by when they like avoid calling them their boyfriend or girlfriend. They're like, this guy. This guy. Just having a good Valentine's with this guy. Don't call him my boyfriend because maybe he'll realize that we're in a serious relationship because we haven't had to talk yet. This guy.

So we had it. We do these episodes where we have listeners send us voice memos. And this one gal's European and she sends us a voice memo about Instagram mom culture in the United States about when a mom posts like a two year old, like, I'm so glad this baby girl chose me. And the caller was like, let's face it. You were fucking raw dogging on vacation in Florida. Yeah.

So maybe we need to just start, you know, you talked about your social referee. Maybe we can transfer that to Instagram and we can say, this child is a result of your most raw dog moment you've ever had. That was a Daytona Beach yard of beer baby. Okay? That ain't even a Chardonnay baby. That is a swill baby.

Southern comfort baby. Jagermeister shot. This wasn't Pinot Grigio and greens. This was tequila and nightmares. Okay. And now you're stuck. You know what? She chose you to suck on your tit so that it can live another day.

That's what the baby chose. Yeah, it is. It's the glorification of life where we all know life is hard for everybody. Everyone's going through it. You know, everyone's got their own version of going through it. And when you sit here and you that's why I always give them this voice singing this song of, oh, you know, it's just like.

It's like no one's living that way. And also, we're past the point of knowing that there's Instagram versus reality. I don't need, I also don't need the person that's like, look at how hard it is. No, no, no. I want, just give me just normal. I don't need the horrific tale. I don't need this sprucing up of the reality. I just want happy birthday to my daughter like Pumpstick. Yeah.

See, Pops, look at you. I mean, this trends that are on Instagram. Totally. Be like Pops listener. That's right. I want norm, norm culture, normal culture. I just want that. Yeah. And you even see it with, it's like, we don't have to post about everything. I saw one for someone, someone I follow. They, they posted, it's the seven and a half year anniversary of my grandmother's death. And you're like,

It's like, let her go. Let her go. It's over. It's been seven years. Let me tell you one of the worst things that Pops, your Instagram hero, has ever done to me in my entire life. Okay? So she's married at the time. It was before her divorce. Okay? And her...

Her father-in-law died. She called me on the phone. I'll never forget it. I was in a fucking bookstore because that's how old we are. I was in a bookstore and I answered. Barnes and Nobles. Yes. Chilling. I was buying a travel book. I answer the phone. Hello. And pump says he's dead. And I go, I'm sorry. She goes, I'm not click. That was the end. Okay.

Wow. That was it. That should have been the caption. So fast forward one year later, I take my kids over to her house because we were so miserable with toddlers. We had to have each other's company. We just throw them all in a bathtub or put them in front of a TV so we could go outside and chain smoke cigarettes. Absolutely. So she calls me into her island and she has, she goes, I need for you to do a favor for me. And I was like, okay, sure. What is it? And she was like, here is a card for my husband's

One year anniversary of his father's death. And she, I'll never forget it. She hands me a ink pen with red ink. And she says, please sign this and give this to him. And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Who are you? Why am I signing a sorry about that? Your dad died a year ago card. Why? What's the reason? Yeah. Pumps. I think the reasoning was he was.

He was so wrecked about it and I couldn't cry about it. Someone's got to give him sympathy. It ain't going to be me. Maybe Jennifer can do it. Yeah. I couldn't work up a tear. Because when people think of me, they think of outpourings of empathy and sympathy. You're around every minute, Jennifer.

Okay, here's a great suggestion that I have. So whenever you are not 37 and single anymore, and you have a woman, instead of saying this gal in your comment section, you can just look seriously at the camera, have your arm around your gal and say, before you can love someone else, you have to learn how to love yourself. So there's no chance of that happening. Okay.

I hate love yourself people. I hate people who post about loving yourself. Nobody loves themselves. If someone loved themselves, they'd be an unbearable piece of garbage. You wouldn't be able to be around that person. Good people hate themselves more.

20%. Every good person has a 20% level of hatred for themselves. That's why we can talk about things we've had it with. That's why we talk about this petty bullshit because we are talking about someone we know and usually, as you said before, it's ourselves. That's right. We've done all these things. We have the capacity

capacity to be the piece of shit that we talk about. And if you love yourself too much, then everyone around you is talking about how big of a piece of shit you are. So no, my, my, my message to everyone is love yourself less. You're awful. You got weight to lose. You have a personality problem. You're not good in public. That's my motivational speech to everyone.

Love yourself less. I support this because I agree because there are certain things I know about me. I'm bossy. I can be reactive. And I know these – I know like, okay, Jennifer, these are your negative character defects. And they can come out. They can spring out with no warning. But you have to embrace and be self-deprecating and know like –

It's not like an excuse to be an asshole, but if you know yourself better and you think, God, I have these really shitty corners of my brain sometimes. Yeah. Embrace it. Loving yourself a hundred percent has another name. What is it? It's called delusion. Delusions of grandeur. Yes. Delusion. You're delusional. That's right. Okay. Here's another comment that you could put on a, on a post with a gal.

Maybe a first date, second date post. Dating is a fun way of finding a new person to destroy emotionally. Every girl I've ever dated is just nodding in agreement. Yeah, that's us.

Yeah, it is. I my favorite comment on a post is to ignore what they wanted you to comment on and then comment on something else. Like that's the best kind of way to get at someone. If they posted like their trip in Italy, you write back, hey, where did you get those shoes? Yeah.

You just ignore Italy. So like you have to ignore the thing. I'm moving from the big city. Hey, did you go out last Saturday? Just like make it random because they're going to get enraged, but they can't say back to you like, well, what about my trip to Italy? That's so true. That's pretty smart. So when I'm not a podcaster, I'm an interior designer. And a lot of these designers will post like a fantastic room. I mean, a really well-designed room.

And then it is just like this jet stream of poetry bullshit in the description.

I find the yin and yang and the feng shui balance as I mix textures of the moon and our mother earth and bring them outdoors inside. I'm like, I wish that you would just write, I think this room looks fucking great. Right. Move on. It's the pump thing. I think this room looks fucking great, but it is like, and then I get irritated and then I end up not liking the room because the comment is so fucking ridiculous. Yeah.

Right. You're that's actually the worst type of person that you have to read the caption of because it's the person who's both an artist but has engaged in capitalism. That's exactly right. So they're a liar no matter what. Well, like because if you're in your home, design is.

I give to the beast that is the American capitalism, whatever you think, which I am not against. But you can't be yin and yang person and also go, I've spent $10,000 at Pottery Barn. You can't be both of those people.

You know, Jared, I've always said about my career, I sell overpriced furniture to rich people. That's what being an interior designer is. I'm good at it. I'm creative, but it is the mother load of 1% capitalism and it's fun and it's been a great industry and I've lived well off of it.

But I've never been deluded into thinking that it is like this groundbreaking, you know, Nobel Peace Prize candidate type work. And some of the descriptions that these designers use, I'm just like,

put a fucking sock in it. The room looks fantastic. You fucking nailed it. Put fucking nailed it and a hammer emoji and move on. Step into a world of nonstop action on DraftKings Casino. Play the classics like blackjack, roulette, and slots. Plus, enjoy exclusive games you can't find anywhere else. Right now, new customers can get a deposit

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Hey, Jared, I love, love, love your Netflix special, 37 and Single. It's great. My question that I want to ask you is explain the difference between an ick and an oof. Okay. So I think an ick, the way the ick was explained to me was that, and it was a female friend of mine. She was like, I went on a date. The guy did one thing and I never wanted to fuck him ever.

And it's just like one. That's the ick is the frivolous like this thing happened. And it's it's ridiculous, but it's reasonable at the same time. And I've gone across the country asking people to announce their ex. It shows I put up the clips of my Instagram. And when I first started doing the bit, it was because a friend of mine, she was like, I went out with a guy and he wore khakis and I couldn't fuck him. And I was like, yeah.

I was like, all it took was khakis. A woman could be dressed as a, like, you know, she was going on safari and I would still fuck her. You know? And the best icks were like when the woman just had it on her face. She was like, I know this is crazy. This is stupid. And I love that because what you come to find out is one woman's ick is another woman's husband. You know?

That's the reality is like, because I, you know, a good ick is like flip flops with jeans. That's what I would hear in hot weather places more than cool weather places and flip flops and jeans. You'd see a bunch of women in the room like, yes, they'd be all in. And then there'd be one woman rubbing the leg of a man wearing flip flops and jeans.

And she'd be like, it looks good on you, Robert. You know, like you would see it. So those are my favorite ics because it offers redemption. It offers. Now the oof is what I get and what I think a lot of men get. And this part isn't as fun. It's a little bit more mean, but it's like you fuck a girl and you go, oof, I shouldn't have done that. Okay.

Okay. We're going to play Had It or Hit It. You remember that, right? Oh my God. Welcome to Had It or Hit It. I would hit it. Had It. I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Had It or Hit It. Somebody putting that they're spiritual on a dating app to describe themselves. Had It. Had It. I don't know what that means. I don't think...

Spiritual, it could be anything. Like right now, right now on the internet, everyone's putting, there's women. It's the divide that bothers me because right now there's women posting about blue moon and how it's affecting their menstrual cycle and I'm happy. And then there's women that have no connection to the moon whatsoever. And there's no in between. So what is it? Does the moon matter or not? Yeah.

Am I getting blown on a blue moon night or not? I just need to know. I don't know. It's just so spiritual seems to be.

something people say when they hate their parents' religion, but they still want to be able to say they're religious. Yes. I think it's that, or I think it could be a hardcore Bible thumper trying to masquerade as not being such a hardcore thumper. I think that you can hear people like some of the most religious people I know, they know that now being called religious is starting to have a negative connotation in the world of modern science. Right.

So it's like, oh, I'm very spiritual. And I think I love the I love the regional aspect of this, how it changes, because where you guys are like now I know to be on the lookout, spiritual red flag.

Stay away. You're going to get down Jesus Road pretty quickly. Oklahoma-sized American flag. Picture it all red. If you hear that, I'm telling you, you're going to be dunked in a dunk tank with a rock band and cheerleading squad and an evangelical preacher with fake eyelashes before you know it, Jared. It is the slippery...

of slipperiest slopes. I'm telling you around here, you have to be very cautious about the Bible thumpers. Next thing you know, I'm dancing with a poisonous snake in the name of Jesus. Okay. Had it or hid it. Posting pictures on bachelor party trips. I hid it. I think you have to post a picture from a bachelor party trip to ward off questions about the bachelor party. I think...

It's a public service. Right. Like a magician. You need one guy on the trip who's so married that he knows how to take a picture. And you need... And it's like a magician doing it with their right while we're doing stuff with our left. So...

He has to get you in front of every landmark that you go to on a bachelor party. And I'm not saying I'm not going on bachelor parties where people are cheating. That's not what I'm saying. But you just don't want the questions. You just don't want. Well, what did you do here? Tell me about seven fifty nine p.m. You need to put out just enough from a bachelor party to not get in the weeds about the bachelor party. So a little CYA, right? Just cover your ass. A little CYA posting.

I love that. I'm going to use that from now on. I think the CYA posting, especially for men, is very important. You've got to do. Listener, if you're going on a bachelor or bachelorette party, don't forget to CYA post, which is cover your ass post. I love that. That's going to be a, I've had it, you know, register that, trademark it. That's a move. The CYA post. Okay. CYA post. Had it or hid it, belabored breakups.

I've had it. It sucks. It sucks. Every... And I talk about it on the special. Every breakup I've ever had goes way longer than it should. Like, I just...

I just wish you could go to someone and be like, it's O. And they go, why? And you go, I don't know, but I don't have a good answer for you. So you just go that way and say whatever the fuck you want. And I'll go my way and say the nicest thing ever. You ever notice that a guy, unless he's divorced, divorced men are kind of a different breed. But like a guy who's been in like a 10 month relationship has nothing bad to say about any woman they've ever dated. Yeah.

They're just a queen who needs better. Who's going to find the one for them. And she's beautiful, smart. Everything's good. And then every woman that's ever out of a 10 month relationship has nothing but bad things to say about the guy. He had nothing going on. He doesn't want to commit. He's got a fear. He's a self-sabotager. You know, it's like you go say whatever you want. I'll go talk about how wonderful you are and your pussy smelled like lilac and everything.

But I don't have a good reason for it. Let me tell you what happens on the female side of that. So let's say that we're friends with a girl that you just broke up with. And it's like cocaine and poppers for 10 months. She can't get enough of it. It's high times, right? You break up with her. Then she'd come over to me in pumps and be like,

he's such a son of a bitch and starts telling you all these terrible things that you did. And then we concur, you know, I saw a red flag too, and I thought he was a dick. And I, I predicted that he was going to be a gyrator in the sack. I knew he was going to be a

pink arm, soft serve from the jump. I know you faked your orgasms and we go there, right? And we go all the fucking right way. I mean, it is the evisceration to end all eviscerations. It's the societal truth because by 6 a.m. they're back together. Oh,

And we're left holding the fucking bag. Yeah. That's happened to me so many times. Like they've gotten married afterwards. Yeah. Married. And then you're just like, oh shit. Because they open Pandora's box in such a way of all the things you've been thinking and you jump in and y'all have this big T-bone steak and you're cutting in and you're chomping it. I mean, it's done. And then there's the reconciliation. And then she tells him everything.

Everything you said. Right. They all hate you. They think you are a limp dick loser. And I don't know where I don't know where they came up with such a thing.

That's what she says. You know, it is like not to get too serious on this, but that's like a societal thing. Like, and it's not fair to women. Like, you know, for a lot of women, if they're out of a relationship, they've failed, you know, like when I, you know, and that's why they have to come with these hard reasons of like, he's a piece of shit, limp dick, what a loser. And now the whole table, the brunch table goes, oh,

oh, okay, at least there was a reason you're still worthy. When breakups happen for no reason at all, you're still worthy after a breakup. And, you know, and the thing is for a lot of guys, we don't deal with that because when I get out of a relationship, I get like, oh, get the high fives ready back on the jam. I wish I was you. And you're like, it's not that both are not true. You know, both, it's not high fives for the guy. And it's also not that that woman didn't try her best and it just didn't work out. Like it, it,

It's somewhere in the middle as most things are. And that's, you know, what you, you know, that's the, that's the tough part about all this stuff. Yes, I agree. Okay. Had it or hit it the morning after. I just wish that at like 2 a.m. both of you unlatch from cuddling and go, Hey, we don't even know each other's middle names. It's ridiculous for us to sleep in the same bed tonight. Yeah.

It is a weird thing. The one-night stand, the person you've just met at a bar and you go back with, it is weird that you two are just hugging someone that you don't even know their last name. You're like, I just need someone to make me feel loved for six hours, please. And then in the morning, you're like, hey, so what do you got going on today? Yeah.

Oh, you got a lot going on, right? Because I got like a lot going on. Oh, what do I have? Like I have like, you know, a call, you know, that you don't even know. And that's not even like – that's the problem with like casual relationships is like when you're in a real thing, you go, hey –

8 a.m. I'm going to wake up and we're going to wake up by the sound of my fart. And then that's the alarm to get the fuck out because I got to take a shit. So you're going to want to get out of here like you can be open to someone. It's the discomfort of like, no, you go first. No, you go first. No, you, you know, holding the door open while both people sit at the the opening, not doing anything because both people want to leave that bedroom. I do believe totally. OK, last one. Had it or hit it walking through.

Drive-thru window. Somebody that would walk through a drive-thru window. So I tell this story on the podcast about going through, walking through a drive-thru and I've had it because I didn't know...

that now Uber Eats has like a deal with McDonald's. So when you see a drive-thru that's operating, it's not even like the people that are going to eat it. Like it's all Uber Eats drivers. I had no idea. And the reason I've had it with that is like, what happened to the old school way of walking up to a drive-thru when you're hammered drunk, talking into a microphone and ordering 17 items? Now, how...

You have to go on Uber Eats. It only allows you to choose like meals, certain meals like they're getting ahead of us. They're like the the McDonald's and the fast food places are now ahead of the drunk people. They're like, we need to keep these people in line. Like it used to be in the heyday of drunk ordering. You could be like, I'll have 17 McNugget orders.

And then one fry. Now I have to get six meals to get where I'm trying to go. And I wake up because when you nighttime eat, you just want to eat it. Like you want to eat it in darkness. You want to get it all done in one binge at all in one 20 minute period. Then you want to take the garbage, hide it in the hallway of your hotel room. You want to put it in front of another person's door. Yeah.

And then you want it to go away and you wake up and you go, I think I might've had a Whopper. And now because of Uber eats, they make you order the meal. So now I wake up to me next to 17 fountain sodas because I have to get the soda. And it's like, now I have to be put face to face with the reality that I have gotten combo meals. Yeah.

Because I couldn't just order a la carte. Bring back a la carte. I agree. I'm a huge a la carte orderer. She orders everything a la carte. I order everything a la carte. I mean, if I go to a Mexican restaurant, I want, because I want to have the chips. I want the salsa. I want the queso. But I don't need a huge plate of food after that. So I order one cheese enchilada and one side of rice. They're like, that's a children's meal. And I'm like, well, then I'll take the child's meal.

because I want to have all this stuff. But then you get that plate of food. I mean, the food portions are just insane. And then I just feel miserable if you overeat. I love the hiding the food in front of somebody else's door. Oh, you know how many times someone has, you know how many times at a Hilton Garden Inn, someone has opened their door to just boxes of pizza. And they're like, what happened out here? Did a homeless man?

take up camp out here? What's going on? And it's just me fooling myself, doing it for my own insecurity. So to deny that it ever happened. Yeah. It's your, it's the first step in your denial that that happened. That's right. I wake up, you know how many times I've woken up and been like, cause I'm, I talk about the specials. I, I'm a, I don't black out. I Brown out. So like I, so then I wake up and I'm like,

Oh, I think I might have. And it starts as a cute morning. Oh, I think I might have had one slice. And then I realized I went to Epcot and ate at every country around the world. Well, Jared, we thank you so much for joining us. You are one of our favorites and we can't thank you enough for coming on.

I can't thank you two. I mean, I'm so happy for you guys. I'm so happy the podcast is taking off. You're doing live shows. What a wonderful thing. I, you know, and I want your audience go check out the special Netflix 37 single, go watch it and share it with people and enjoy it and make your Instagram story, all those things. And follow Jared. He has one of my favorite Instagram follows all the mom bit, all of the petty shit that all of our followers love. Jared is just an

an extra dose of that. Yes, absolutely. I love it. Thank you guys so much. Bye, Jared. Bye. Love Jared. Love Jared. And I don't feel that great, but I mean, you cannot not have a ball with Jared Freed.

He's the funniest. I can't stop laughing. I can't either. I don't even know. Because he's not laughing. No. He just keeps going and he just delivers. And I love everything about that man. He's so great. Well, listener, I want to call it here because we want to just leave you with – there's no way we can top Jared in our post show. Right. How do you top Jared?

Go to Patreon, Documentary Club, new episodes on that every single Wednesday, plus new content of Pumps and Me out in the wild, meaning Walmart, places like that. We're going to film that. And I don't want to do it at all. Go leave us a five-star review. Check out the Hot Shit Tour and Pumps Tell Them. See you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had it with. Here it is.

This is Below Decks Captain Lee. Listen to my new podcast, Salty with Captain Lee. Um, don't you mean our podcast? Uh, yeah, I guess I do. Anyhow, listen to Salty with Captain Lee, co-hosted by my assistant, Sam. And we will be talking about the latest pop culture news and all the gossip every week.

So does this mean we have to talk by ourselves, about ourselves, or can at least have some guests on? I don't know, I find myself pretty interesting. But yeah, we can have some guests on. Some of our reality TV friends and some stars. Works for me. Listen to Salty now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.