Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
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I am at this point looking for ways that I can grow in my personal emotional intelligence and strengthen how I can connect with my wife. You used all the right good counselor-y words. Tell me what you're really struggling with like day to day.

What's up? Hey, everybody. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you're doing well, and I hope the world you find yourself in is one where you're safe, when you're having fun, and you're finding some joy, some laughter somewhere in this wild, wild world. Hey, Kelly, when is Election Day? Are we past it? We're recording this show early. Yes, this show publishes on the 22nd of November, so we'll be a few weeks past it at this point.

So I'm making a prediction. We still won't know who the president is because everyone's going to sue everybody and be mad. You think? Yeah, because I think it's going to be – that's valid because I think it's going to be a close election. So I think that I can see that happening. I'm feeling a landslide in my guts. I love that we can put this down because we'll know, right? Yeah, by this time we'll know. Like when I was talking trash about my Astros, by the time it published, your Rangers had won. Yeah. It was a good memory. It was. It was great. Love that one.

This weekend I was in Houston and one guy at the concert I was at, he was one of the sound guys, he had a shirt. And it was the Astros on it, but it just said Houston Cheaters. And it was good. I tipped my hat to that guy. To wear it with 15,000 rabid...

metal fans and just to decide on care. It was awesome. I support that. But yeah, so this is out. I hope wherever you happen to be, you're doing okay. This show, we talk about your mental and emotional health, your relationships. If you want to be on the show, it's real people going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And I guess we will see who's right or who's wrong. I'm sure the internets will let me know you were wrong or we're still waiting. Hopefully, hopefully,

Hopefully. Jeez Louise. All right, let's go out to Des Moines. Yes, let's go out to Des Moines, Iowa and talk to Paul. What up, Paul? Hey, John. How are we doing today? There we go. I'm doing great. How about you, man?

Doing well, doing well. I want to start this off saying thanks for all the help you've done for me and my relationships so far and definitely give me a different outlook on life. So I appreciate the insight. I'm grateful, man. Hope that outlook is a good one, not a sideways one. Well, you sparked plenty of conversation. Let's put it that way. Hey, that's, there we go. What's up?

Well, I am hoping you can help me a little bit more today. I am a newly recently married man, and that, as you know, comes along with plenty of changes in life. No, no. I'm just kidding. You know, I'm learning again that I don't quite have it all figured out, but I am, at this point, looking for ways that I can grow in my life

personal emotional intelligence and, uh, strengthen how I can connect with my wife emotionally. Uh, that is definitely an area I have struggled with, uh, in adulthood. It's a area I'm not too familiar with, but I'm hoping you can give me some tips or something to strengthen that area of my life. Yeah, man. So, uh, you, you used all the right, good counselor-y words.

Or like the internet-y words. Tell me what you're really struggling with, like day to day. Yeah, well, I guess that's the interesting thing is I really don't feel as though I am struggling. You know, I feel like

Everything's pretty good for me, and I think I am there in many of the ways I need to be. It's just a common theme that I hear from my wife, which is, you do all these things, you're so great in so many areas, but the one thing that I'm not quite getting from you that I wish I could was this emotional connection. I guess I come from a family that's not very...

outward with our emotions to say the least. And she comes from one that is very, uh, emotionally expressive. And so that is like two different worlds colliding right there. And I'm not really even sure how to navigate that. So, yeah, that's a, that's a great collision there in your house. And I guess if she was on the phone here, um, I think there's a tendency with people who are over a motors and over talkers and you are currently talking to one right now.

Yeah, yeah. I'm mostly speaking hyperbole and mostly am a lot. They can – I have an office, a little office-y, I don't know, complex. There's a bunch of us in this one big giant room. And when I open the door, they can feel me coming in. They'll all yell, hi, John, before they even see me around the corner because I just come in such a lot, okay? Yeah.

It is easy for people like me, like your wife, to think we are somehow elevated or superior to those around us who are internal processors, who are quiet or introverts. There's a great book, and I forgot the author off the top of my head. It's called Quiet. And it may be a book that you all read together. It's really a phenomenal book. Kelly, can you look up who wrote that book, Quiet? She'll grab the author. But here's the thing. I want you to know I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

Okay. Or you're not somehow malfunctioning. Unless she is coming to you and saying, I can feel how angry you are and you're refusing to talk to her. But that doesn't sound like that's the situation. No, no, not at all. It's more of like, you know, I can be...

Pretty straight faced and still through about anything, you know, even if it's an argument we're having or I don't know. It's like I am not very expressive with things. And I think that she can't read what I'm thinking. And then that kind of sends her into overdrive a little bit. Sometimes she come from a pretty wild grown up to say the least. Yeah. Tell me about it.

I would, you know, separate separated parents and father in law enforcement. And, you know, a lot of stories I have heard of

feeling like she is a regulator for her mother as a child, you know, and I think, you know, I question sometimes if she's looking to regulate me, perhaps, and I don't need it, and that kind of makes her question where to go next, but I'm not going to put that on her. I've never said that, but I question that it's like,

Again, I feel like I'm okay and I feel like things are good. And she's, I perceive it as though she is always looking for something that isn't. And that is hard when there seems like there's not something. Now I started laughing when you first started talking because as you were saying it, I wrote the word down regulation on my paper, on my notes here. Oh yeah, there you go. So let's reframe it in this way.

My guess is to some degree, and again, I'm throwing spaghetti at a wall here, but I think I'm right. Her being able to read a room kept her safe as a kid. For sure. That's how she knew when dad had a bad day at the office.

Or if he was going to come in really angry and his wife always was trying to fake ping pong around and figure out emotional regulation, who and what and how. And, um, and I, you've, you've listened to the show. So I spent my career. My dad was a policeman. I grew up with that, that, that world. Right. Um, and that's been my professional world too. So I, I can imagine she's always walking into a room trying to make sure she's okay to be there.

For sure. And then you, then you, Paul, here I go. You're just steady Eddie, right? I like to think so. Yeah. Yeah. And so here's the deal. Over time, you will be the gift that her nervous system desperately needs. And let's be honest, she's going to bring some joy and excitement and fun. It will never occur to you to jump up on a table somewhere and take your shirt off and make out and thank God you married her. Right. Right.

For sure. Okay. You would just be like, let's look at spreadsheets and then go to bed. Right? Like whatever. Yeah, maybe not quite that extreme. I know, I know. I'm being ridiculous. But here's the thing. Here's what I'm going to give you a couple of easy passes. But I want you to see her when she says you're not being emotional and I can't read you. That's her asking, do you see me and am I safe in here?

Sure. Yeah. She definitely uses that safety word. Okay. So what I want you to begin to practice with her are ways that you can communicate to her and remember behaviors of language that she's safe and she's loved. Well, you not betraying who you are, which is you're just not a demonstrative maniacal guy.

Right. Okay. And so sometimes that is as simple as, and people sometimes roll their eyes, but the feedback I get all the time, I'm working on an app, the feedback has been hilarious because it's like, I never thought something this simple would be so transformative in my marriage. Simple things like SOS, skin on skin contact four times a day for about 10 to 15 seconds. Right when you wake up, we're just going to touch feet under the covers.

Or if you get up really early and she gets up a little bit later or vice versa, often people who are emotional regulators like her, um, get up really, really early because their bodies just snap them up because they got to make sure everything's okay. And maybe you sleep in. Is that, is that her? Uh, she, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Hard to go to sleep. Easy to pop up and open awake. Correct. Yeah. Okay. So when you get up,

Go straight for nothing else. I mean, obviously go to the bathroom or whatever, but for coffee before anything else, put your hand on the back of her neck and give her a slow long hug. Okay. And then right before you go to work, put your hands on either side of her face and just put your forehead on her forehead. And the first thing you do when you walk in the door after work, you make sure your phone is away and you just sit down, whatever you got. Or when she comes in, I don't know your work schedules or whatever, but when one of you comes in,

everything in your world stops and you go give her a 15 second hug. Sure. And then before bed, even after y'all have been like, if y'all had sex or whatever, even after all that, right before you go to sleep, before you just roll over and go to sleep, 10 or 15 seconds of just skin on skin contact. Okay. Sure. Yep. It touches a high regulator, especially when there is an emotional, an energetic mismatch, if you will.

Right. Okay. Um, the second thing is I want you to press a little bit on, on her, on being specific. Yeah. Um, what do you need from me right now? How can I love you right now? I just need you to show something. We hold both of my hands and look at me and she might not see it, but she'll feel it. Okay. Okay. And here's the third thing. You probably at some shape, form or fashion want to try to solve her emotional dysregulation. Um,

Don't. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I knew that was coming. Don't try to solve her. She's not a broken engine. In fact, she is a extraordinary ball of feminine energy in your house. It's awesome. Right. And so let that light shine in your home and be so grateful that you married her and coming as a part of that, having that, that amazing ball of energy and light in your house, you're going to get burned sometimes. That's fine.

Right. Right. So, okay. So those sounds so simple. Let's go for a walk. Let's do skin on skin contact. How can I love you today? Um, you looking at her and saying, here's my promise to you. Anytime, um, you want to check in with me, I'm okay, but you got to hold my hand to check in. Anytime you want to, we'll, we'll check in via hugs. Sure. Um, another thing for emotional dysregulated people, um,

Sometimes it's sex and sometimes it is amazing. Chit chat. Who makes dinner in your house? She does. Okay. Ask her if for 15 minutes you can just put all your stuff away and just sit in there and chit chat while she makes dinner. Okay. There is something about somebody being in another room while somebody's doing a project that begins to...

The body gins up stories about what's going on in that other room and what's happening. And it's, is he going to come in here? He's going to be upset. I don't know who I'm going to get when I get it right. And it just kind of builds and builds and builds and builds and builds. And then you are so gracious that you just got home from work and she's making dinner and you pop down at the table and it's on. Sure. And you don't even like what happened here. Right. So yeah. Walk into something. I didn't even know I was. Hey, you have been, she's been in a fight with you for 45 minutes. You didn't even know she was there.

Exactly. I find myself a few steps behind. Okay. Here's two things I want you to ask of her. Number one, please do not have imaginary conversations about me. Okay. Have them directly with me. Have practice, have the courage to have those conversations with me. And I will never make you feel small or little for asking those questions, whatever you're going to ask.

Do you still love me? Do you think I'm beautiful? That's just her touching base and saying, am I safe here? Because I wasn't growing up, but am I safe here? The second one is ask her when you're giving her a hug or when y'all are making physical contact, will she commit to giving you the benefit of the doubt? Yeah. So when you ask a question, when you say a thing, when you bring something up, will she whisper to herself, he's on my team? He's on my team.

Not, I can't believe, right? Because in her mind, she's always looking for a place where she's not safe. And you're going to say the thing the wrong way. And it's going to be proof to her nervous system that you are just like whoever else was in her life. Sure, yeah. Does that ring a bell? Yeah, definitely, definitely. Okay. And dude, just for whatever it's worth, how old are you? 26 today, actually. Okay, great. Happy birthday, dude. Thank you. How old is she? 21. Okay.

Y'all are right where you need to be, brother. Yeah, yeah. You're not broken. You're not crazy. Y'all are going to figure out a way to communicate with each other over time if you'll work on how can I speak in a language you can hear and will you constantly let me know that I'm safe?

And sometimes constantly letting people know I'm safe is I'm seeing you work out. I'm seeing you come home from work sweaty and tired. I am seeing dinner on the table. We're making flirty eye contact. You send me flirty texts all day. You laugh at my jokes. You chit chat with me. You are always down for whatever sex stuff I'm into. Like safety is established in all kinds of different ways in relationships and romantic relationships, especially the key here is safety.

Can we put it on the table what we actually truly need and not these proxy, you're not emotional enough or you're too emotional. That's why we love each other. Underneath that, do you see all of me and you still love me? Am I safe here? Am I safe here? Am I safe here?

Paul, you're the man, dude. You're the man. It's a bunch of tiny little fixes, not even fixes, tiny little adjustments in how y'all see each other and experience each other. And I think you're going to have an amazing long-term marriage, brother. And congratulations. You're in for a ride, my man. We'll be right back.

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I'm all right, man. It's good to speak with you, Dr. John. It's such an honor. Hold on. You're not all right. A bomb just went off in your neighborhood, man. Yeah, it's pretty intense. All right is kind of a blanket statement. I know. I know. You don't have to do that with me. Okay. Yes, sir. Don't say yes, sir. Jeez Louise. Kelly's the old one here, not me. Well, it is such an honor to talk with you. I've been a listener for many, many years. Your wisdom and your advice has gotten me through

A lot of tough times in my life. So thank you so much. It's an honor to talk to you. You're a blessing. I appreciate you. You're a blessing, absolutely. Give me a picture on the ground, man. Asheville, North Carolina is one of probably the top two or three places, favorite places in the United States for me. And it's a retreat for me and my wife. And my understanding is it largely doesn't exist right now.

Yeah, it's pretty rough here. You know, the community is really, really showing up. It's honestly just incredible to see what's going on here, neighbor to neighbor and across the community in the mountains and different counties and all that. And yeah, I mean, it's pretty rough, but I mean, we'll rebuild it. Yeah. You know,

Us mountain folks are very resilient, so we'll figure it out in time. It's going to take a long time to rebuild, but we'll get there. I wouldn't wish what happened to you guys on anything, on anyone, right? And I grew up in Houston, so this kind of stuff was not regular, but man, we had some doozies too. And let me tell you though, when you watch the news, all that crap these days about how divisive it is and how people versus people, like there's something about experiencing what you're experiencing that has some sort of restorative effect.

Like, I don't know, on the ground, neighbor going by neighbor. It's like, oh, dude, we're not nearly as divided as people we think we are, right? Yeah. I don't know. It's pretty amazing. Yeah, it really gives you faith in humanity, and it makes you trust people some more. A little bit more, yeah. Yeah. Well, brother, how can I help you today, man? What's up?

So in line with the hurricane, uh, so here, my question is how do I process feelings of resentment towards friends who haven't reached out after the hurricane? You know, um, like everybody in my life, including friends from 15 years ago, my different versions of me, um, have reached out and like said, Hey, are you okay? Are you safe? I just need to know, like, are you good? And, um,

Even people who are locally and live in different counties who aren't really as affected haven't reached out. Close friends of mine from college haven't reached out. I find myself really building these weird resentments. I totally embody one of your sayings, guilt over resentment, but I'm having a hard time really seeing how that applies here. Life in Asheville is life in...

Western North Carolina is completely different and will be for a long, long, long time, if not forever. I mean, people are missing, people are gone, communities, businesses, art studios, it's very different. And I'm just not sure how to look past that. - I don't think you look past it as much as you accept it. And here's what I mean by that. There's an old proverb that I finally sat down and confronted my anger.

And she took off her mask and revealed herself as grief. I think that the worst of the worst has happened. And those friends, the people that you had psychologically leaned on as if something ever goes down, I got these guys. They're not there. Yeah. And random people from middle school called you.

Right? I find myself, anytime there's a tragedy, I find myself going through my phone and finding anybody and just being like, are you all right? If you're in my phone, I need to know you're okay. It's a weird thing I have. Yeah, absolutely. I did that for everybody. My ex-girlfriend, old friend. Everybody. I just want to make sure you're okay. Are you okay? Right? And people will be like, dude, it's like 900 miles from my house. I'm like, I don't care. I saw it on the news. Are you all right? Right. So I get that. And then people don't call.

Yeah, it's really hard. There's a psychological, I don't want to get nerdy about it, but when your neighbors are going door to door making sure everybody's got water and people are dragging all the, you've probably seen, you drive down the streets and there's just piles of cabinets and carpet and lawn furniture, like just piles of stuff in people's yards, yard after yard after yard. There is a sense that we have work to do.

Right. And the body has a pretty amazing way of channeling, actually healing, resolving some of the the impact, the psychological impact of we're just going about our lives. And all of a sudden it won't stop raining and the town washes away through work, through work, through work. But the social and relational part, they didn't show up. They didn't call. And your body's going to look for ways to be angry.

A place to put that anger that, is this really the world that we live in that's so random that one afternoon my entire city is gone? Yeah, that's the world we're in, man. And so it's easy to look for blame, for anger, for rage. What I want to tell you, it's that old AA proverb. It's like drinking poison and hoping those buddies die. Right. I'm even in recovery, so I'm a no-changer. There you go. I know this language very well. So, yeah. So, yeah.

Like when it comes to practical tips, I always, and if you listen to the show for any length of time, I'm always finding myself in recommending this at some shape, form or fashion. I would write those guys a letter and not send it. I'm going to get that out of my body. I'm actually going to take an hour and write two letters per hour over a couple of days. Dear Tom, bro, my whole world imploded. You didn't even bother to call.

Do you remember when we did this? Do you remember when I showed up for you here? And it's not a reinforcement mechanism as much as psychologically grounding yourself in this word that none of us want to sit in, and that's reality. This is the truth. Right. One afternoon, my town got washed away, and you didn't even bother to call and see if I was okay. Very real. Yeah, I appreciate that. You just dropped your shoulders in that. Yeah, I definitely did. It just...

Like you didn't show up. And I now know where my energy is going to go moving forward. Yeah. And that's an interesting piece too. You know, like even people who like I see on a day-to-day basis, like,

They're like who live maybe a little bit outside Asheville. Like, so I had power or water or internet. I got internet back yesterday. I've had, I didn't have power water for like 17, 18 days living in the dark, living alone on top of that was really, really rough, really intense. And some people I know who I consider brothers, uh,

considered very close to me, who weren't affected at all. Their jobs are intact. Water, power, resources, all intact. Just didn't really show up the way I've shown up for them in the past or like, you know, I thought they would, like, I needed it. I could lean on them. Not the case at all. And it's not a tear for tat thing, but it's like, wow, like this was,

a life-altering, region-altering, altering, like, generational, like, catastrophe. Yeah, but let me throw this out there too, Felix. You're also spending a lot of energy by yourself with no distraction for the first time probably in years, maybe even in your lifetime. Yeah. No internet, no TV, no light to read by at night, just you and your thoughts. And if that gets thrust upon you, it's really easy to sit there and begin to create stories.

And what you don't know is if those buddies texted and called and called and texted and got in their cars and drove and they faced roadblock after roadblock and had to turn back and had to turn back and had to turn back. Right. And they may have reached out a thousand times and they may have heard from a friend of a friend. No, no, no. Felix is all right. I checked in with him. I went and saw him. He's good. And they were like, Oh thank God. And they're waiting for you to reach out that the power's back on. Right. Right. So here's the thing. You're, you're, you're literally creating a story in your mind that,

And then you're trying to solve for that story. And what I would suggest is if these guys are your close buddies, maybe pick up the phone and call and be like, bro, where were you? I would hope that my closest, closest ride or dies would give me that, that before they cast judgment on me, they would at least reach out. I can appreciate that. Yeah. And just be like, bro, you didn't show up. And if they say, dude, I had my own crew. All right. Then they're, then they're, they're letting you know their true colors.

Exactly. But you might hear, dude, we went to hell and back trying to find you. And we found out through my friend of a friend you are, right? And we went to help so-and-so. And you might even hear them say, dude, you're the toughest guy we know. Once we heard you were alive and your house was okay, we went to help so-and-so because he's still a day 90. Right. And so here's the meta here. Here's the overarching theme.

spend less time creating stories about other people and other situations and instead go right towards reality ask the question make the phone call reach out or write that imaginary letter burn it in your fireplace and be done right but the more time you sit and just stew and spin and create story after story after story the more you are choosing to be miserable in the moment

Yeah. It's killing me internally. And then move, then move, then move, then move, then move. Totally appreciate that. Thank you for that advice. Is that fair?

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, it's just, it's something I need to do. It's something I need to do for many things in my life. So that's great advice. Yeah. It's probably the same about work. It's probably the same about call. You need to call your mom. It's probably the same. You need to forgive your dad. Like it's probably a lot of those things that just, they just spin and spin and spin, make a list of them, dude. And when you're sitting there with day 18 with no power, like, man,

I mean, you literally have two choices. You can just start drinking again. And I'm using drinking metaphorically. You can just start trying to Xanax over your life again, or you can make a list and be about action. I'm going to call that guy and see if he's really my friend. And right now, the story you've created, the story you're telling yourself is his life is perfect. He's back at work just having a good old time. He's laughing, having glasses of wine. His restaurant didn't get touched. And I'm over here with no food, electricity, no water, nothing.

Maybe, but maybe not. I'm going to call you. You're my good, good, good ride-or-die friend. I've shown up for you. I'm going to call you. Maybe he was so scared he didn't know how to even pick up the phone. And because you love him and you have a long 20-year history with him, you might pick up the phone and say, dude, the next time my city gets washed away, I expect you to be on my front porch. I don't care if you're scared or what. And he's like, all right, you got it. I failed you. I'm back. And that's forgiveness. Or maybe some of these buddies are just lame. They're just scumbags. They didn't show up. Forget it.

And you need to grieve that because you thought you were closer. And then we're going to brush our shoulders off and we're going to dust our sandals off and we're going on. Because I'm not just going to sit and stew and sit and stew and sit and stew. If you put meat in a crock pot, over time it just turns to mush. And I'm not going to do that to my spirit. I'm not going to do that to my soul. Felix, hey brother, thank you for the call. Give me a long rebuild, brother. You call me anytime, anytime, anytime. And I'm glad that you're safe. And I'm glad that you are showing up for your neighbors and your neighbors are showing up for you.

We are praying for you guys there in Asheville and hope you'll reach out if y'all need anything. Blessings, my brother. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney from my friends at Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe. I've spent most of my adult life on like borrowed mattresses or the cheapest mattresses available or some other mattress that over promises and under delivers. And I end up hot. I end up tossing and turning. Listen, I've struggled with sleep for most of my adult life.

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Doing well. Excellent. What's up? Thanks for taking my call. I'm curious to get your thoughts on this. All right. So start with my question, then we can get into the background. Anytime somebody says they're curious of my thoughts, that means it's going to be a doozy. We'll see. All right. So the question is, when and how do I go about introducing my kids to my mother-in-law's new boyfriend?

So getting into the backstory, my father-in-law took his life last October. Oh, man, I'm sorry. Jeez. Thank you. It's been a really, really difficult year. What was his name? Bill. Bill? Yeah. I'm sorry. Thank you so much.

It's been a very difficult year for us, and our whole world has just completely flipped upside down, and it's been a process. I have a four-year-old son and an almost two-year-old son, and my mother-in-law started dating someone just before the year mark, which is difficult in and of itself, and now she's wanting us to meet him, but...

My husband and his siblings don't want to meet him. I don't necessarily want to introduce my kids to someone that will be in the picture for just a short time. I don't want them to get attached to someone when my four-year-old is still grieving. He still brings up his grandpa all the time, talks about him. And so I don't know if the right thing is to introduce or just, I don't even know. How do you know when you're ready? That's such a big question. There's several, can I pull the threads apart here a little bit?

Please do. Okay. Thread number one is this is your husband's dad. And in almost every way, I would follow his lead. A thousand percent. And so if he's not ready, if he doesn't want to meet boyfriend, then the family is not going to go meet boyfriend. Well, can I add on to that real quick? Of course. Of course. So he has four siblings. He's one of four. And all four have said to mom, hey, I'm not ready.

But two of the siblings have been at the house when she has brought boyfriend over without permission. So my husband and his sister have met him without consent. Okay. So that's all you need to know about what mom thinks about her kids. And also, by the way, mom was hurting. The whole thing's a mess. And so here's what I want to do. I don't want to be in other people's heads judging why they're doing what they're doing.

Yes. My guess is your mother-in-law is trying so desperately, frenetically to get back to quote unquote normal the way things were. Sure. Yeah. Oh yeah. She's trying to find some autonomy. A thousand percent. Just trying to lock it in. It's going to go back to the old ways. I'm going to be married. We're going to have a big happy family and then we can get all the grandkids back and everything's going to be the way it was. Right. Oh yeah. And that's just part of the grieving process. Hopefully she doesn't run in and marry somebody.

Dating somebody is fine. You get some scars doing that, but you learn, right? And you can exhale. For sure. If you just go marry somebody, it creates a whole other issue. But yeah, she's struggling and just like, look, here he is. He's great. See? And not trying to vomit all over her kids, but she did, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So the first thing is I would let your husband walk through that. My hope is one day he can be happy that mom finds somebody new.

You know, that's the interesting thing is we kind of have the best of both worlds. He doesn't want her to be alone. And so he's glad that she's with someone. But on the other hand, he doesn't want to see it, doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to be part of it. And so he gets to do that. Yeah, a thousand percent. And at some point, mom may say, hey, here's one of my boundaries. I'm married now. This is my new husband. This is my new life. I want you a part of it, but I can't just take my husband and carve him out.

And so hopefully they can negotiate that and navigate those boundaries over time. It's just a messy season. It hasn't even been a year yet, right? Yeah, yeah. Here's the second thing. Tell me about you. Did you...

Love this guy. Was he scary? Like, tell me about your relationship with him. I love that man dearly. Yes, he was scary, but I loved him dearly. He's kind of a big, intimidating looking guy, but just the biggest teddy bear, kindest guy. Just the last couple of years of his life were really difficult and no one really knew how bad he was struggling because he didn't open up about it. And so it was very hard. He was a, he was another dad to me. Yeah.

So I think an important thing for you and your husband, and this is y'all the only people that you can manage in this moment, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. If you haven't already, both of you need to write him a letter and read it to each other. Mm-hmm. Dear Bill. And in that letter, usually there's, like, I often recommend people write three different letters. That might be a lot for you guys right now, but one of those, there has to be some sentiment about, I miss you.

I pick up the phone to call you and I miss you. And there has to be a sentiment, a discussion about how angry I am. I can't believe you did this to us. Yeah. And that's valid and it has to be expressed. And then the third thing that I always tell people is you have to write about what they're going to miss. Oh. Here's what you're going to miss. I'm going to be the most amazing wife to your son. You don't even know.

You're going to miss the little league games. You're going to miss prom pictures. My son's going to miss getting to wrestle with his gigantic, crazy bear looking granddad. All that. You took that from us and we're going to move on. And, and took that from like that language is abrupt and hard when somebody dies by suicide. Right. For sure. We're not trying to tell facts here. We're trying to let this stuff cycle through our body.

Yeah. And when you write a letter about, or you write a section of a letter about, so here's who I'm going to be. I will love your son till the end of time. And your husband might say something along the lines of, I will be the dad and the husband that you tried so hard to be and you were sick and you just couldn't be. Oh yeah, a thousand percent. Okay. But what we're doing is we're giving our bodies an understanding that we are now turning our gaze, not back anymore, but we're looking forward now.

Yeah. Okay. And reading it together, as the great David Kessler says, grief demands a witness. It's important to write those letters, but you need to read them in front of somebody. And if he's really got gangster siblings, they all write a letter to dad and they all read them together and they're going to be, they're going to be different. My guess is with a dad like that, there's going to be four kids all over the spectrum when it comes to whose degrees of wellness, right? Yep. And degrees of how well they married, right? There's going to be some. Yep. Yeah. Okay. So,

That's what I would, because you need to grieve this. Your husband needs to grieve it. And since it was his dad, I always give him the $51.49. Like you make the call. Are we going to Christmas or not? So that being said, I love all that. And a thousand percent, we'll do that. That being said, my husband kind of thinks that the kids won't remember even if we introduce mom's boyfriend. I would not introduce mom's boyfriend. Absolutely not. Okay. They're not ready for that.

Okay. I would talk about if it's still okay. Granddaddy got real, real sick and he died. Yeah. And we miss him so, so much. And whenever your kid brings up granddad, it's okay. I think it's healthy for you to look at your son or your daughter and to drop your shoulders and say, I'm so sad he got very, very sick and that he died. I'm very sad. Mommy's very sad. And that way they don't feel crazy. I miss grandpa. Where is he? I miss him too. Yeah.

And let them see almost an overexpressive, like demonstrative, let them see your shoulders like, let go big. Let them see that in their mom and in their dad. And maybe bring them along and ask if they want to write a letter to granddad. Oh, that's heavy. Or draw a picture for granddad. Yeah. Because we don't want those kids to learn in our house if there's a tragedy, we don't talk about it, we keep it quiet and we bury it.

A thousand percent. You want to show them, I wrote a grown-up letter to granddad. He's not going to be able to read it because he died, but I wanted some things I want to tell him. And when I get sad, this is how I do it. Will you draw him a picture? Yeah. Maybe he can see it from up in heaven, right? We're going to use that kind of language. Okay, for sure. But we're teaching them life will hit us in the mouth a thousand different times over the course of our life. And we don't hold it. And it's okay to talk about it in this house. And it's okay to be sad. And grown-ups get sad. And dads cry. Moms get their heart broken and all that.

Yeah. But I just know the data, the stats on abuse, the stats on all that stuff. And I'm not, I'm not putting my kids with boyfriends or any of that kind of stuff until I firmly vetted those, those dudes.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know this man and I don't have any interest in introducing my kids anytime soon. The way you said that is the right way to say it because mom is going to say, this is my new husband. This is your new father-in-law and your language was perfect, Katie. I don't know this man. Yeah. He is a dude at a TJ Maxx. I don't know that guy. Yep. Right? Yep. And she might vet him. Doesn't matter.

At some point, if she marries him and it's going to be forever, your husband and you, y'all can take him to coffee and do an interview before he has access to your children. Oh, I love that. Like, I need to like, hey, you're marrying my mom with arms crossed. Tell me about yourself. Okay. He is guilty until proven innocent. Not really, but you know what I mean? Absolutely. Oh, yeah. And if he's a man of character and integrity, right?

He enters that coffee, that lunch at Cracker Barrel with such grace and dignity and humility. And if he's a total prick and he's like, you don't talk to me that way, then that's all you need to know, right? Exactly. Yep. Can I just tell you, Sister Katie, I'm heartbroken for you. I'm sorry. Thank you so much. We are too. I know. Have you all done a holiday yet? Have you all done Christmas yet? We have, yeah.

Y'all did a first Christmas without him? Yeah, so we just hit the first year mark on October 4th. Okay. My guess is last Thanksgiving, Christmas are somewhat watery, blurry? Yes. Yeah. This one's going to be real hard. I'm not looking forward to that. Nope. And so here's what I want you to do. I want you to head directly into it. What does that mean? Make him a plate for Thanksgiving. Make him a seat. Okay. And everybody go around the table and say one thing they miss about Granddad that they're grateful for.

Okay. At Christmas, put a stocking on the wall. We're not going to go through the rest of our life pretending that this powerful, important man didn't play an amazing role in our life and also that we have so much guilt that we didn't know, we didn't say the right thing, we wish we had, we're just going to head straight into it. A thousand percent. Okay. Because otherwise there's going to be an empty seat at that table. There's not going to be any seat at that table and everyone's going to be thinking about it.

Yeah. And secrets are what bury families in these moments. Yeah. Yep. Secrets are what took my father as well. Yeah. We're not doing secrets. Not at this house. Yep. We're going to have a seat for granddad and we're all going to say something we miss. And your kids are going to see mommy and daddy cry. But there'll be tears of gratitude at Thanksgiving dinner. Okay. Okay. Is that cool? I'll do that. A thousand percent. Can I revise something I just said? Yes, sir. I would probably not put a plate there for a four-year-old. That's going to confuse that kid.

He's too young. Yeah. I would go around the table and say something that you're grateful for. Okay. That you miss about Granddad. Okay. Okay. Don't put a table there because he's going to be waiting because, yeah, developmentally that four-year-old is going to be waiting for him to show up and he won't show up. That'll be too weird for him. But I do think it's important to have a gratitude moment around the table during Thanksgiving and potentially have a moment at Christmas.

Talk about Christmas. Talk about what Grandpa used to do before he got sick. He'd dress up like Santa and be silly and be goofy, or he would always bring candy. You guys don't remember this, but Granddad used to tell those stories, tell those stories, tell those stories. I'm grateful for you, Katie. I'm so sorry. Your kids are lucky to have you, and your husband's lucky to have you. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This month is all about gratitude, and most of us have a person or two we'd like to shout out for helping us out somewhere along our life's journey. I'd like to take a moment to thank two people who have transformed my life. One is the great Marilyn Fannin, and two is the great and powerful Dr. Jean-Noel Thompson.

Marilyn gave me a chance when no one should have. She brought me along and taught me poise and professionalism, and she challenged me when I needed help. And Jean-Noel taught me how to be a dad, a husband, a professional, and how to balance the seemingly impossible weight of caring for a whole bunch of people all at the same time. Big time thanks to Marilyn and Jean-Noel. And for all you listeners, I know you have people in your own life that you're grateful for, and hopefully you stop and thank them.

But there's one person that we often don't take time to think enough, ourselves. We don't always acknowledge that we're surviving or moving forward. We're grinding towards a better life, better relationships, and a better world. And in a world where everything's gone bonkers, this isn't easy. So here's my reminder to thank the people in your life, including you. And sometimes we need more than just a thank you.

We need some professional and personal help. We need to talk to someone who is trained to help us discover true gratitude for ourselves and others, especially during the holiday seasons. That's why I recommend my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anytime so it's convenient for your schedule. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.

This holiday season, let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem?

It's me. First of all, we need some more Am I the Problem and Cool Crap That Happened. So please send them in. Email them to askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com and put in the beginning of it, Am I the Problem or Cool Crap That Happened so we know. Thank you. All right. This is from Caroline. She says, My two adult sisters and I rent a house together. I'm the oldest of the three.

I'm struggling with resentment around household chores. I've always been more tidy than my sisters and mess bothers me way more than it bothers them, so I clean it up. One sister suggested we have assigned chores. I don't like that idea because I tried that in the past in a different living situation and ended up becoming the mom of the housemates, reminding them to do their chores and then doing them myself because it bothered me. So assigning chores didn't solve the problem or my resentment issues in the past scenario.

I've been mom to my sisters growing up. One is 11 years younger than me and one is four years younger than me, and I don't want to be their mom anymore. Plus, any discussion about assigning chores won't happen unless I spearhead it and make it happen. Still, as it is, I do the yard work, the dishes, pay most of the bills, submit the work order request, do most of the cleaning, etc. I don't want to take on the task of spearheading a chores assignment meeting, writing up the chores, reminding people to do them, and then doing them anyway.

But then I feel bad for getting upset because I know it's a personality thing and I know they aren't trying to take advantage of me. They just don't care about the clutter and the mess as much as I do. Is it understandable that I get upset with their little participation or am I the problem? Oh, she, man, she twisted up that last question. Is she the problem here? I'm going to say yes, she's the problem. And here's why.

The way she asked the question, is it okay that she's upset that they don't do any chores? Of course. That they're not helping with anything? Of course she should be upset about that. But that's not where the problem is. The problem is they're all adults. And for decades, they've had the same rhythms and routines and relationship dynamics. And so for her to reenter into those as housemates and then pretend they're all going to suddenly change and pretend like...

She just keeps sticking her hand back in the bag and there's a rattlesnake in there and it keeps biting her. And she's like, stop biting me. And then she just shoves her hand back in the bag. And at some point, the rattlesnake's a rattlesnake. Your sister that's 11 years younger than you just doesn't clean up. You can make peace with it or you can get frustrated by it. Here's the thing. She doesn't want to be their mother and she is 100% acting like their mother. Contempt.

Always leads to you being alone. Always. Because contempt is hierarchical. It is you on top of a ladder looking down.

I somehow am better than you. And you might not think I'm better than you, but I'm raw. Yes. You're the problem. Here's why either move out or make peace with it. Your sisters are messy. Do the lawn work, lawn work, pay the bills or say, guys, I'm going to get my own place and I can keep it as tidy and clean and as I want to. That's my thought. What do you think, Kelly?

It'd be so funny if you're like, you're an idiot. No, actually, I agree because I'm a bit of a neat freak. So I knew I've had a roommate before that wasn't and wasn't her fault. That's just who she was. So it was better for me to live by myself. Of course, now my roommate, who happens to be my husband, is also the same way. Different story. That's for next show when Kelly calls in with all of her marriage drama. Tune in. Love you guys. Bye.