My Fiancé Threatened to Shoot Me If I Ever Left Him
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Are you concerned for your physical safety? Yes, there has been threats made when he gets angry, such as if you ever break up with me, I'll shoot you. I'll shoot you in the head. If you're my sister, if you're my friend, or if you're one of my former students, I would treat that as an active life threat. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. The best mental health and emotional health and the best relationship show on planet Earth.

None of that's true, but these days you can say whatever you want on the internets and it becomes reality. So glad that you are with us. For the last 20 years, last two decades, I've sat with people and the wheels have fallen off their life. Whether with tragedy, whether with choices they've made, whether with abuse and trauma, whatever is going on in people's lives for the last two decades, I'll sit next to you and we'll figure out what's the next right step.

And on this show, we take real calls from real people who are going through hard stuff, real hard stuff. If you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Let's roll out to Boston, Massachusetts to a Havidba and talk to Rachel. Hey, Rachel, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

Um, I'm okay. How are you? Sounds like I'm doing better than you. I'm doing great. Doing good. What's up? Um, so I'm just going to get right into my question. Um, how do I end my engagement the right way while I'm living in his home, in his house? I think you need to define what right way means. Um, if you mean conflict free and fight free and everybody acts like adults and it's all cool. Um,

Yeah. That doesn't exist. Oh man. So probably, um, you're searching for how do I end my engagement with integrity where I honor and respect him. I honor and respect myself and whatever happens on the back end. Um, I can still look myself in the mirror and know I did the right thing. Exactly. Tell me about it. What happened with your engagement?

You know, for lack of time, it's just we're not as compatible as we thought we were. We've been having a lot of issues and just we're just not as compatible as we thought. You know, we've been together for three years, engaged for one, and it's just not there despite all of our efforts. I know he's trying hard. I've been trying hard, but it's just gotten to the point that I love him enough to know that I need to step out of the way and I need him

him to step out of my way and we need to find our, our next path because this isn't feeling right. Um, and it's something that, you know, I've taken a lot of time and, you know, I am in therapy and it's been something that, you know, has unraveled, but,

Um, the issue becomes I'm, I'm just a very forward person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and, um, who I'm with right now just isn't very emotionally intelligent. And I'm nervous for my safety because there is a possibility of him becoming very emotional and becoming very emotionally charged. And I mean, he, he could very well try to kick me out in that moment. Um,

And I'm not prepared for that. And I don't know how to prepare for that or if that's not how I should go about it. And I've had suggestions of just moving, like just one day having a moving company come and just getting out. Um, there's a lot here. Um, I've got some questions like that if, if, uh, about the relationship itself, but I'm going to put those aside cause that's not why you're calling me. Okay. Um, um,

You're calling me about how to end this thing. And there's a couple of just guiding principles I live by. One of them is I only speak when I think I can be heard. Yeah. I don't speak so I can have said something in a particular moment. So a lot of grief I get, why didn't I comment on this issue or that political issue? I've done that my whole life because it's of no value. I only want to speak if someone can hear me.

So I'm thinking back to when me and my wife sat across the table from each other. By the way, we've done this a couple of times, but there was one significant time and we both framed it up in this way. We need to talk about our marriage. There's gonna be no fighting, no screaming, no yelling, no hysterics. And that was mostly for me because I'm pretty dramatic. We got to sit down and have an adult conversation. Are we going to stay married? And so

I trust her and she trusted me that we could hear that prequel so that we could get down to the actual conversation that needed to happen. And so if you could imagine, I imagine you wouldn't be calling me if you had the kind of relationship with him where you could say, hey, we need to have a hard conversation about our future. I need you to clear this evening because I need to lay it all out on the table. The fact that you can't do that tells me that's probably not an option for you. Is that right? That's correct. Okay. Okay.

When you say you're concerned for your safety, I am going to go to physical harm, not to he's going to say mean things. Are you concerned for your physical safety? Yes, there has been threats made when he gets angry, such as if you ever break up with me, I'll shoot you.

I'll shoot you in the head. He has said that to me. Um, so it hasn't been recent. That was probably like a year ago, believe it or not. Um, but he's that kind of person where like, it's really going to depend on his emotions that day. Like, and he's been feeling really depressed lately. And it's, you know, we do have a gun in the house. Um, so yeah, safety is a concern. Yeah. So if you're my sister, if you're my friend, or if you're one of my former students, um,

I would treat that as a active live threat. And what would that mean? That would mean I would get the police involved. That means I would have somebody, I'd have a group of people if possible with me when I move out. I would suggest this guy's threatened violence in the past and the specificity with which the violence was threatened. It's not just like he said, dude, if you ever move out, you don't want to know what happens. No, he told you exactly what happened. I will shoot you in the head with the gun we have in that drawer over there.

Right? So I'm looking at what's the specificity? Is there a time? Is there a date? He's given you that, right? And so I would treat that as though it is live. And now since he put that into the universe, it becomes him, his responsibility to prove otherwise. Meaning if he shows up and he says, I would never do that. I was totally playing. That's his story too. That's his job to prove or unprove that. Okay? But I would...

Get some, your therapist will have local resources there, but I would talk to somebody about getting a crew of people that would go in with you. And it might be the sheriff that comes in or some sort of officer that comes in to be with you when you move out. And worst case scenario, you have to hire a security, like by the hour, hire a security people that can come in with you while you move. And it would probably be best to not, to move when he's not there.

And that's the other wrench in this is right now he's working... His schedule is dependent on the day. Sometimes it's a morning shift, sometimes it's a night shift. It all depends on what his work needs. So it's been really hard to try and plan. Yeah. And again, my bent is to not ever be secret about something, but to go kick in through the front door. Meaning...

Show up at Tuesday at 8 o'clock, and there's three officers outside, and you tell him, I'm moving out, and because you threatened to shoot me in the head with the gun that's over there, I brought these officers. I'm moving my stuff, and I'm ending our relationship. I hate to do it like that. Me too. But this sounds tragically unsafe for you. Yeah. How long has it been this unsafe? I'm sorry.

Do what, Leigh? I just am struggling with how it has to be that way because I feel like I'm betraying him in a sense because I'm not letting him in. He betrayed you and he said, if you don't do something that I want you to do, I'm going to kill you. Yeah. That's the betrayal. And you've been making peace with that ever since. Or you've been living in the shadow of that. That's a better way to say that. You've been living in that shadow ever since. Yeah. How long have you been terrified to be in your own home?

I'm not terrified because I've just, I've been worse. And it's all been just like verbal. There's never been anything physical. But there's emotional and verbal abuse there, which is, you know, why I know it needs to end. It's just not right for us. It's just a sense of like just catching him off guard and like be trying to be prepared for that. Yeah.

Um, I'm thinking, you know him better than I do. I'm also thinking sometimes people act wildly irrational when they're caught off guard versus like, Hey, this is coming. Yeah. Is there something to be said for, um, to call him and prep him or to give him as you're walking out the door on an evening, say we need to talk. Um,

I'm ending this engagement. I'm breaking up with you. I'm moving out. I've got a new place. At 8 o'clock tomorrow morning, I'll be here with three officers in a moving company, and we're getting my stuff, and we're going to go. Yeah, that's an option. I mean, would he chase you out the door and lock the door? I mean, because if that's the case, then... Because I can't tell, and again, this is hard on the phone, I can't tell. You're unsafe enough that he's threatened your life, and...

yet you're safe enough, he's never done anything, I've stayed there for another year, everything's fine, he's just kind of fragile right now. I don't really have a good sense of it, you have a better sense than I do. - Yeah, that's kind of the issue with this, like you would think I would have a better sense of it, but he's unpredictable. - Okay, then go as though this threat is life. - Okay. - As this threat is life. And I caught a hint of this at the beginning, so if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, your days of living there have ended, they're over.

So the idea that y'all can break up and you can just stay in this place, that's not tenable, right? Yeah. Okay. Do you have another place to live? I do. My parents are aware of me trying to make this plan and they've offered me to stay with them in the interim. What do you have there that is so important that you get out? I mean, my whole life here. What does that mean? Everything I've accrued over the past 10 years, everything's here.

But as far as like if it were to burn down things I would regret, like not grabbing, like I could get together like pictures and meaningful things that I don't think you would miss. That's a broader question is can we get the important things out slowly yet quickly? Pictures, jewelry, things like that that are of substantive value. And if I'm you, I'm going to leave the couch.

Yeah. I'm going to probably take my clothes. I mean, so I don't know what you have versus what's his. And it's not uncommon for there to be the police pretty reticent because they're going to show up and he's going to say, hey, that's mine. You can't take that. We bought that together. And they're not going to get involved in that kind of stuff. Yeah. I'm not too worried about that because I don't plan on taking much. I'm fine with leaving the furniture. Okay. It wasn't supposed to be like that, was it?

No. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's unfortunate. I'm sorry. Yeah, thanks. You're worth more than this. Thank you. Yeah. It's taken a while to figure that out, but... I know. Yeah, so I'm just hoping I can get to this next step here successfully and safely. I want you to please take my wisdom here that...

I want you to treat this as though it is live. Okay. As though if you try to move out, he will make a attempt on your life, and I want you to react accordingly. With the police and your therapist in town should be able to guide you through that to the proper resources there. Okay? I know you've been through a lot in your life, been through worse. I get that. I think you've been scared going home for a long time. There is a...

disorientation when you keep going to your house and you never know who you're going to get when you get there. I'm sorry, but I'm proud of you for moving towards peace. It's time to go ASAP. Thank you for the call, Rachel. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Jelani from my friends at Helix, makers of the best mattresses in the universe.

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Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love hallow.

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three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. What is up? What's up? We're back. Probably the most excited I've ever been about a live event that I've been a part of this spring.

Me and Dave Ramsey are hitting some of the greatest theaters in the United States of America together. Just me and him on a pretty rad night. Louisville, Durham, Atlanta, Kansas City, Fort Worth, and Phoenix. Me and Dave Ramsey live. It's going to be a rad event. It's going to be new stuff. It's going to blow your mind. It's just going to be an amazing evening.

I'll be talking about relationships and marriage and all kind of, dude, it's just gonna be, I just wanna say this, it's gonna be amazing. I've sat in some of the live event planning meetings and I get so jazzed up, I'm so excited. And we've never done anything like this, where just the two of us go out and hit the road and we are in the theaters in these really beautiful, majestic places across the country.

This is April and May 2025. Go to ramsaysolutions.com slash events. This will sell completely out super, super fast.

Louisville, Durham, Atlanta, Kansas City, Fort Worth, and Phoenix. Go to ramsaysolutions.com slash events for the particular night and for the particular theater in those communities. Some of the most, when I saw the theaters that were going to be, it's just staggering. Check this out this spring, April and May 2025, me and Dave Ramsey on the road. It's going to be amazing. I hope to see you there. All right, let's go out to Burlington, Vermont, not the coat factory, and talk to Melinda. Hey, Melinda, what's up?

Hi. Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. What's going on, dude? Well, I am wondering, I have a bit of a messy past, recent past, and I'm wondering how I can reframe it to kind of move on and have more confidence going into interviews and dating and things like that. Tell me about it.

Well, I'm nervous. I'm sorry. Sometimes people say I have a messy past and it's like they tripped in Arby's. And then sometimes it's like I have a messy past and they just like

committed six felonies and they got off on a technicality, right? So walk me through what happened in your world. Yeah. So, um, I had some experiences with plant medicine ceremonies in Ecuador. I was like traveling a lot after college and got back and, um, Ayahuasca, San Pedro mostly. Okay. So you went through the whole shebang?

I did. I did like seven San Pedro ceremonies. Dang, Gina. Yes, sir. Yeah. Yeah. It was a lot. Seven. Yep. Okay. Yeah. It was really interesting, you know, and I got back. Interesting. Interesting is the understatement of the century. Yeah. But I will say this on behalf of planet earth and reality. We welcome you back, Melinda. It's good to see you. Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah. So when I got back, I was kind of in an unstable, like I was staying with a family friend and all of that, but I was like in a kind of an unstable like situation financially and like housing wise and relationship wise. And so I like just casually started smoking weed again. And before the plant medicines, that was,

fine. But after the plant medicines, it ended up triggering severe manic episodes that I had never had before. And that led me to mental health units and then just kind of a state of depression. But I wasn't diagnosed ever with depression. It

I was diagnosed with manic bipolar, although I've never had a manic episode while sober. So then it became kind of this journey of...

sober, although struggling immensely with just like finding my way in the world. And, um, and so I just started, you know, I, it was a period of five years that just ended recently of just being sober, going back to marijuana, having manic episodes, ending up in jail,

or, you know, mental health units, severing relationships, you know, straining relationships, you know, just a bunch of that. And finally, I'm like, okay, I actually am in a place now where I'm enjoying my life, which was half...

or 80, 90% of the battle was just because I, I didn't see hope in my future, but I,

now I'm, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like, Oh my God, I don't even know why I went to marijuana. I mean, I get it, but like, I don't want to anymore. Um, I just don't want to go through all of that anymore. And, um, but I don't know how to, you know, like if I'm going into a job interview, how do I be honest with that while still protecting myself and my story, you know? Um,

I just don't know how to move forward. Okay. First and foremost, I want to tell you that you survived and I'm really proud of you. Thank you. Like you're real, real tough. Fair? Sometimes I wonder. No, you are. Yeah. And I know you are because you're alive. Some people experience demons on the outside. You've gone to war inside your own mind, right? Yeah.

Yes. Yes. And you've experienced demons inside your own mind that most people see in cartoons, and it is horrific, right? Yeah. And you're still here. I'm glad you're here, Melinda, okay? Yeah, thank you. And you've peered over the edge more than once, right? Oh, yeah. Yep. I'm glad you're still here. Thank you. Okay.

You said several things that I just want to put a GPS pin in, then we'll get to the very end of your conversation, okay? Okay. If you have never had a manic episode sober, I want you to go sit down with a psychiatrist or a psychologist and tell them that, okay? I'm stunned that you didn't get diagnosed with some sort of marijuana-induced psychosis of some sort. Yeah.

Um, but sometimes there's just certain places that just slap bipolar on everything and move you through the unit. That's fine. That's six and we have dozen another. That's just, um, I think there's something important about that because I can hear in your story, you have drawn a clear line for yourself. And I think this is important. I've worked with enough bipolar one. I've just sat with enough bipolar one folks over the years that, um,

It's hard to make your way through the world because you don't trust your own mind. Yeah, exactly. People don't talk about that very often, but they know if they take their meds, they're going to be okay. But there's something underneath it, which is like, I don't trust my own mind to tell me the truth. And that's unmooring. You though, in part of staying alive, have figured out my brain tells me the truth when I'm clean.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And for whatever reason, and maybe I'm out to lunch, there's something important that I would want to get written down on a piece of paper so that I can memorialize that for myself. You don't need that. That's just me. But it would be cool if someone said, hey, you don't have bipolar one. You can never do drugs again.

You control-alt-deleted something in your brain chemistry when you're playing San Pedro. Not once, but seven times, Linda. But here we are. Here we are. And your way of seeing and experience hope every day is a minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day choice to stay sober. Period. Right? Yep. Here's the second thing.

There is a difference and it's a powerful difference between enjoying your life and hoping for a better tomorrow. Because there will be seasons when you do not enjoy your life. Working, I don't enjoy this job all the time. And I have the most insanely glitch in the matrix job in the world. And there's parts of it I don't enjoy. Okay. I love providing an amazing home for my wife and for my kids.

And this morning, my daughter and I were playing chase in the front yard and I saw one of my sprinklers. I was like, why is the ground all wet? I've had a $500 water bill the last two months. And I started digging and digging and digging. There's a leak underground. I don't enjoy that, but I hope for a better tomorrow. Okay. And I don't want you to hang all of your future happiness, joy, hope, light on quote unquote, how you feel.

Okay? Mm-hmm. Did you get what I'm saying? Yes. Yeah, I hear you. Hope is something that you will scratch and claw for. I will too. All of us will. Here's the next thing. I don't give a crap what your boss thinks. They don't get a vote in your story. And we live in a culture that requires us, doesn't require us, it encourages us to lead with the worst parts about us ourselves first. And that's insane.

They don't need to know you've been on a bunch of journeys. They don't need to know you've been in and out of rehab hospitals unless you're trying to go be a surgeon or an attorney. You got to fill out a bunch of paperwork about that. What kind of work are you looking for? I want to be hopefully a teacher in schools, a French teacher. Okay. Do you know French?

Yeah, I studied it in college and well, and yeah, I was in Belgium for a year. So there was a time when I was fluent. I definitely need to brush up on it. Okay. Yeah. So what if you started while you're getting your teaching certificate because you're going to go back to school and get that? Yeah. You started substitute teaching. Yeah, I am actually. How's that going? Yeah.

- I'm just starting this fall. I've done it in the past and they're paying more now, so I'm going back to it. - Outstanding. Here's what you need. You need confidence in Melinda more than anything else. And so I want you to practice getting a substitute job every single day, week after week after week. 'Cause I want you to prove to yourself in one month, two months, three months, I'm not in the hospital 'cause I stayed sober.

I'm working with these kids and working with young people is one of the most rewarding, amazing things in the world. And it will make you want to pull out all of your eyelashes and set them on fire. Right. And so it's, I want you to prove to yourself, this is what I want to spend money on. This is what I want to dedicate my life to loving young people and teaching them. We, we, is that fair? Cause I want you to become confident in you. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Do you have any felonies on your record?

No, thank God I don't. It got knocked down because of insanity. I'm not laughing. I'm just trying to think of your conversation with the HR director. Here's the best you can do. I had a hard past. I made some mistakes. And here's if you're substitute teaching and you pass your background check.

I did. Yeah. Okay. Then your record of, I continue to show up. I continue to love kids. I continue to show up. I continue to do a great job teaching. We'll speak more to five years ago, seven years ago. Yeah, dude, I was a mess. You got it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess I felt like I just had a temporary job recently. It was amazing. It was a great experience. I loved the people, but I did not tell them anything about my past. You shouldn't. Yeah, but I felt like I was hiding the whole time. Why? Like, they're going to find out. They're going to find out. That's just pure you not loving who you are in this moment. Mm-hmm.

And here's the deal, Melinda, you're not tricking anybody. They hired you because they believed in you. Did you have a good time? Yeah, I did. Did you do excellent work? Yeah, I did. Outstanding. Ta-da. You're worth being there. You're worth being there. Okay. Gotcha. Yeah. Thank you. And I want you to keep this in your bag, a small little journal. And every time one of those bull crap stories pops up, if they find out that, write it down, get it out of your head and out of your body.

And write it down and ask yourself, is that true? If they find out that I got all into plant medicine seven years ago or five years ago, are they going to fire me? No, they're going to want me to tell a bunch of wild stories. You know what I mean? Yeah. If they find out I went to jail because I had some pretty significant mental health disorders and I kept trying to make it better and I was trying to self-medicate, are they going to suddenly, no. Or maybe it's true. Maybe they will. And you can go, okay.

I wish you all the best. I'm moving on to the next thing. Because you have enough from your past to carry. You don't need to carry all their crap too. Gotcha. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah. Will you hear me one more time? I'm so proud of you for surviving. Thank you. I feel like an idiot most of the time, but I really appreciate that perspective. I do too. And I did not do seven San Pedro ceremonies. Yeah. I think the unnerving thing for most people is they...

They think that when they get to be president or they get their first teaching job or they get their first whatever, they get into grad school and they go into class on the first day, that it's going to, quote unquote, feel a certain way. It never does. It doesn't feel a certain way. That's why I want you to be weary of your feelings. But I want you to look at the data. You survived. I want you to look at the data. I've done a temporary job and I crushed it. They loved me. I loved them and I did excellent work.

I want you to look at the data. What if they find out about my past? They did a background check on you and they let you be a substitute teacher. Amazing. I'm going to crush that too. I'm going to be so good. I got to go back to school. Cool. I'm going to get my teaching certificate. I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep going. So I'm just going to challenge these stories and find out what's real and what's true. Thank you so much for the call, Melinda. You're amazing. Keep going. Keep going. And no more San Pedro. We'll be right back.

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How's it going, Dr. John? We are partying. What are you up to? Oh, sitting in my truck trying to shake some of these nerves off, to be honest with you. Oh, I'm not partying, so I'm lying to you. So I'm all good. Don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. I appreciate your call. What's going on? Thank you. Well, so recently, about 10 months ago, I got in a relationship with a woman who has two children. They're five and three and a half. And

I've been involved with them for a little bit. I mean, it's pretty much been, I mean, almost a month. You met the kids like a month ago?

No, I met the kids about, well, probably about nine months ago, to be honest. We were talking several months before we got into a relationship with each other. Okay. And that, yeah, so we, I met them about a month into our relationship. Okay. So anyways, I've noticed that some of my, I've always been told that I'm like my dad. What does that mean?

He's very reactive. As my childhood, I took the ACS score on a seven. So I've been trying to work through... Sorry, I might get a little bit emotional. Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on. Take a deep breath. I can hear how nervous you are. Yes, sir. I'm glad that you called, okay? Yes, sir, me too.

And a seven means you have grown up in hell, and I'm sorry. Yeah, it's been a little hard to process because whenever you're growing up in it, you don't really realize that that's kind of what's going on. It just is. It's your life. It's all you know, right? Right. Yeah. What else besides reactive? When people say, I'm trying to get it. People tell me that I'm like my dad sometimes.

And in many ways, that's one of the highest compliments I can receive. And I'm assuming that's not the case with you. A lot of the influence back in the day was alcohol. He still drinks. But what's funny is that my parental roles is sort of reversed with my parents. So back whenever I was a kid, my mom was sort of like my go-to because she was sober. She was always there for me. In fact, I kind of begged her at several points in my life to like, you know,

leave my dad because I didn't like him so much and he, you know, the

Because of this sort of like nuclear reaction that he would have to sort of like the smallest things, anything could happen. And you'd think that it wouldn't be that big of a reaction, but he would have an explosion. And I just, I never understood why. And then I got a little bit older into my teenage years and I sort of became that way and it started to...

really scare me because I didn't want to be angry and I didn't understand where this anger was coming from.

Well, I went into the military and I got basic training and the anger was just sort of gone. I felt like sort of like a changed person. It was sort of a weird feeling. I almost felt like I had come out of it like a new person and my anger had sort of suppressed and just went away and just wasn't necessarily like at the surface. Can I ask you a question about it? Can I ask you a question about it?

How much... Stop calling me sir. We're the same age. Probably we're not. I'm really old, but I like to lie to myself and say that I'm still young. Okay. Um...

How much of going to the military gave you a purpose and gave you a gang, just a group, and gave you some emotionally regulated adults in your life that you could lean on? They told you where to be and when to be and what the mission was? Oh, yeah, that was my whole life. That was, I mean, my military family was my family. That's it. That's it. That's it. Your nervous system remembers life as a kid. Yes. And that was not good.

Yes. Right. It was an electric hellscape. And you were tossed between an alcoholic dad and a mom that you were begging to help you have a safe... Mom, please give me a safe home. And she said, no, I'm not. Yes. She would make excuses for him. That's right. And I'm not going to blame mom. I'm not going to blame dad. That just is what it is. Yes. Yeah. And now you got...

kids around you're thinking about a long-term commitment with this person yes sir yeah okay yes yes so now your nervous system's lit up like a christmas tree because it remembers this story yes and my guess is you don't have you you haven't what i think is the gnarliest hardest work for veterans who come home is finding some sort and it's some it's so hard some sort of new gang

Yes. Some sort of new mission. Yes. In fact, I actually I lost I actually lost a lot of my friends transitioning out of the military. I was I was previously married, just young decision being in the military, being in the Air Force. Sure, sure, sure.

And that went sideways very quickly. Along with that, I lost my whole military family that was in California, and I lost my longtime best friend. Why are you and him not friends anymore?

Uh, well, I decided to go out to California to try to live there. Um, and he had come along with me, but I had given everyone basically this timeline where if I cannot find a job, then I'm going to have to go back to Georgia. Well, the time run, it just ran out and, um, I wasn't able to find a job. Uh, so. Did you bail on him? He, yes. He decided to stay there. Yes. If you bailed on your body or if,

He is choosing to, I mean, you know your guts, right? What reality is there? Oh, it hurt. It hurt. But let's circle back to the real reason you called. You got these kids. Yes. You got a lot going on. Yes. And you got military friends who won't talk to you. You have an ex that won't talk to you. You've got your best friend on the planet who won't talk to you.

And are you finding yourself repeating your dad's history? Are you yelling at these kids? Are you snapping at these kids? Are you starting to grab the bottle a little bit more? I'm noticing myself reacting and not really having a real meaningful thought behind what I'm doing whenever she does something that she's not supposed to do or if she's

I don't know how to really describe it. She'll make looks or she'll do dirty faces or, you know, just how little kids do. And I, you know, I kind of snap at her a little bit and I don't want to snap. I want to, I don't want to be reactive. I want to be, you know, Hey, you know, you know, why, why, why are you angry? Hey Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, she's three.

I know. There's not a lot of reckoning with a three-year-old that's already been through some sort of loss. I know. And there's not a reckoning. There's not a, hey, why are you doing that? She's three, man. She's three. I know. And I know you know that, but I'm just going to say it. We can't do that. Yeah. Can't do that. She's three. And if you and your girlfriend have not had the conversation, I don't think you have any business parenting those kids.

Or snap into those kids. Like, that's not your job. We have had the conversation. While we've been together, their father has sort of stepped out of the picture on his own choice. So it's been sort of rough for them. So they've been kind of looking at me and saying,

You know, it's hard when I'm here. They don't get a vote. They are too little. I know. They're too little. I know. And there's not just like, well, our dad, half of us is gone, so let's, there's a new one, right? That's not how that works. Right. Hold on. That's what kids will do. It's not good. It's not good for them. I know. Okay. So let me ask you, when a three-year-old makes a face at you,

What inside your chest sets off? Honestly, I think it's me feeling that small. That's what I'm asking you. What inside your body sets off when a three-year-old, like when a three-year-old makes a face at me, like I don't have any sort of reactivity, not because I'm involved or better, right? Nothing like that.

But it doesn't do a thing to me. If somebody in a square Kia cuts me off on the highway, I just get enraged. You know what I mean? But that's my own crap to deal with. So I'm asking you, why behind your rib cage? Why do you just get fiery black in there when a three-year-old snaps at you, when a seven-year-old rolls her eyes at you? Why do you have any stake in that?

I think it's because I almost feel like I'm being picked on. That's it, that's it, that's it. The great Brene Brown says this, "Whatever you go looking for in the world, you're sure to find it." And for your entire life, you've been asking people, "Am I good enough?" And your dad said, "You're fine, but I like this bottle more." And your moms gave you a bunch of stupid excuses. And the military gave it, they looked at you and said, "We want you." And they gave you purpose and mission, right?

Yes. And a community. And then as soon as that was over, your friends disbanded on you. You got crossed with your oldest friend on planet Earth. And those old demons started calling again. And you put that pair of glasses back on, which is nobody wants me around. I'm not even worth being loved anywhere. And that's how you see the world. That's pretty much right. Okay. I'm going to tell you something crazy. Okay? Okay. Stop. Take the glasses off. Because here's why.

It's a way to pseudo protect yourself. It feels like you're protecting yourself when you're always scanning 24-7 for somebody who's going to be mean to you. Somebody's going to kick you out. Somebody's going to not accept you. But the lie is you're withering away behind that mask, right? Yeah. So exhausting. A three-year-old, Lauren, doesn't get a vote. You're a freaking veteran.

You're going through life unanchored. Yes. And there's not very many people in the world that put their hands on the side of your face and say, I see you and I love you and you're all right here. Yeah, I don't think anybody's done that to me since I was a little kid. Okay. Next time you see your dad, will you ask him if he'll do that for you? Yes. Okay. Say, Dad, will you put your hand on the side of my face and look me in the eye and tell me that you love me and you're glad that you're my dad?

Okay. Daughters should not have to ask their dad for that, but here's where we are. This is reality. This is the truth, and you need that. Can you... I think I do. I know you do. I need that. I need that, Lauren. Okay. And also...

Is there any reconciliation with your old buddy? I can try. I think he might have blocked me on everything, but I can probably get in contact with him somehow. I'll leave a letter in his parents' mailbox or something. There you go. And it's going to be all I. I messed this up. I'm sorry. I miss my friend. I don't like doing life alone. And you and I have been ride or die since we were five years old.

Yeah, I think about him all the time. I know you do. And I guarantee you he thinks about you. And he doesn't have a bridge back over this mess any more than you do. Somebody's just got to get in the water and forge a cross. Yeah. Okay? And now, I want you to sit down and have an honest conversation with your girlfriend. I cannot parent these children at this time. That's not my role. That's not my spot. And you have to decide that you are not going to outsource your self-worth to a three-year-old.

And if you can't do that right now, you have to take the next adult right step and not be around these kids until you can tamper down and become more emotionally safe. Okay? Yeah. That is your job. That is not the three-year-old's job. Right. Okay? Just keep this in your head. I don't yell at kids. I don't snap at kids. I just don't. I don't hit kids. I just don't.

Yeah. And that has to be come up the same way as I just stop at stoplights. Right. Right. I haven't, I don't yell or anything like that. I just, you know, I just, I just, I feel something sort of in my body and I'm sort of, I'm not like, I don't want it. I just don't want it to come out. I love it. Here's what I want you to do. Every time you feel that, I want you to take your, your fist and just put it in your chest.

Or it might be if you've got a three-year-old with you, don't do that. But I want you to reach behind your leg and just bury one or two fingers behind your knee. And that's going to be your reminder, I'm all right here. I'm okay. Sort of just grounding myself. That's exactly right. And here's all we're looking for, a teeny tiny gap between the stimulus and the response.

Okay. A teeny, all we're trying to do is extend that gap a little bit further and a little bit further and a little bit further between the thing that just happened and what you're going to do next. And we're going to stop going through the world looking for everyone who hates us. Your body is right to be looking for places you don't belong because everybody's left. Everybody's left.

and you're 25, and so the sucky part of reality is it's your job to go find places where you can plug back in. And it sounds like you've got a dad who, man, he missed his daughter. And my guess is you've got a best, best friend that, man, people did stupid stuff when we were in our 20s, and I'm sorry, but you've been my friend. And you're trying to get now from a three-year-old. We're not going to do that anymore. We're not going to put that kind of burden on kids, especially kids whose lives have just been imploded.

And I want you to get with a veterans group there in Atlanta. I want you to get a part of a group of electricians there in Atlanta. I want you to go find a gang in Atlanta. And it's going to be awkward and weird because you're like 25. Show up, show up, show up, show up. And we're going to make new friends and get new connections and get new activities that we do together. Slowly, tiny, but surely. And every time you feel those glasses back on, the ones that are looking everywhere where I don't belong, where I don't belong, I'm going to take them off.

I'm not going to go looking for places where I don't belong. I'm going to go looking for people I can do life with because those are the ones that get a vote in my life. Thank you so, so much for the call, Lauren. And this, by the way, my friend, is what changing your family tree looks like. This is what it looks like. 25 years old saying, not going to be me. Not going to be my dad. Good on you. We're going to practice all the way out. Thank you so much for the call, Lauren. We'll be right back.

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Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and code Deloney for 20% off. All right, we're back. All right, Kelly, so something cool happened.

Yes, so this email is from Amy. She actually lives in Dubai, but she sent the email when she was home in Knoxville visiting her daughter at UT. It's very short, but I just thought it was pretty cool. I wonder what the... I wonder what the... I don't know the right words. I don't know what the exchange situation is between Knoxville and Dubai. I believe Dubai is pretty dang expensive. I was just thinking about like a lot of sand versus like mountains and hills and... A lot of like... Green trees and stuff. Like...

From what I understand from Dubai, I have a friend that lives there. It's very like facade. There's a lot of money, but there's not like behind it. Everything is just not great. A lot of slums and stuff. Sounds like a certain show producer. I know a lot of pretty on the outside. Wow. A lot of mean on the inside. All right, go ahead. I'm going to. I know you are. I've heard Dubai's amazing. I've heard Dubai's amazing.

Like, that's just staggering, but I don't know anyone who lives there permanently, so. Okay, I'm going to go back to this now. All right. All right. If there's a Dubai-Knoxville connection, that's kind of dope. It's like right in our backyard. It's kind of cool. All right, go ahead. Anyway, all right. She says, I'm living in Dubai, and I regularly watch your videos on YouTube, following a lot of the instruction that you're giving. And I share a lot of advice with the people that I've met here and have worked with many of my friends, many of them who are Arab women.

I want to thank you for all the advice. We enjoy the show as well as the women here in Dubai who are learning a lot from you and changing their lives. Thank you and God bless. Very cool. See, you're good. I'm kind of a big deal in Dubai. You are. I'm going to get you a shirt because I'm a big deal in Dubai. I appreciate that. That'd make my heart feel big and good. I don't think I'm a big deal anywhere, actually. We think you're a big deal, but we get paid too. That kind of hurt. Hey, everybody. Love y'all. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Be nice to each other. Bye.