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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I've always thought negatively about my physique, never really felt confident. I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in, but I still think I have room to grow. I believe it's okay to have that desire to improve your overall health and physique, but I want to feel comfortable and appreciate my body in its current state without thinking I'm giving up on myself or settling. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us.
Talking about your mental and emotional health, talking about your relationships, what's going on in your homes, what's going on outside of your homes, what's going on as you're trying to repair marriages or heal from divorce, whatever's going on in your world, kids, all of it. If you want to be on this show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K-L-E.
And huge, man, I've got a problem with this. I don't like doing it, but I can't, I can't not do it today. It's so cool. One of my oldest mentors, Jean-Noel, he reached out and he, he had seen that we hit number three on the Apple podcast. Top trace.
Una dos tres. And he said congratulations, and I gave like an aw shucks. And he said, no, you don't get to do that. Like, you got to celebrate this one. And I thought, you're right. This is cool. So for all the gang, all the gang in the booth, Nate Dogg, Sarah, Kelly, Ben, Taylor, and everybody in the club getting tipsy, thank y'all for making this whole thing work. And for everybody there in America who listens, that just brings my heart joy. Well, thank you.
I mean, this doesn't happen without you. Well, I appreciate that. I'm even going to accept that. I'll accept it. Look at me going to therapy. I accept. I accept your kindness, Kelly. That's a once a year sentence that I say. Once a year, I say, accept your kindness, Kelly. And the rest of the time, it's like the Matrix dodging the bullets. All right, let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to the great and wonderful Michael. Hey, Michael, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. I really appreciate it. You got it, brother. What's going on, man?
So I'm 24 and I've dealt with body image issues since high school or maybe a little bit before that. I've always thought negatively about my physique, never really felt confident. So currently I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in, but I still think I have room to grow, to get better shape. I believe it's okay to have that desire to improve your overall health and physique, but I want to feel comfortable and appreciate my body in its current state without thinking I'm giving up on myself or settling.
So I don't think it's an either or. So how do I live in the both hand? Oof, man. Great question. I just was on the phone with Jordan Syatt, who's, if you can follow him on Instagram and he's got a YouTube show. And I've talked on this show at length about my friendships with, you know, the Mind Pump guys and Lane Norton and others. But I was just on the phone the other day, still talking through that. I'm still working through that. So I'm going to talk to you very personally. Is that cool?
Yeah, for sure. All right. Some of the things in your language I want you to begin to get a hold of. And if you can do this at 24, man, then I'm going to save you 20 years of being haunted. Okay? Yeah. You can chase a physique and almost all the time it comes at the expense of your health. Okay? If you chase health, you will be on the road to getting this physique that you want, but it comes at a cost.
Okay. And so if I can give you one gift, it would be number one, chase health, which means sometimes you skip the workout or you dial it back. And if you follow a lot of these influencers, if you follow Lane and want to do Lane, Dr. Norton's workouts every day, you have to understand he's training for the world championship.
And he will win the world championship. And I'm not going to do that, right? I'm a YouTuber and I'm a father of two, right? He's a father of two also. He's a great dad. But I'm not doing that. So to follow that is insane. It literally is insane, okay? So number one is we're going to start thinking about health over an obsession with physique. Physique will come.
The second thing is, I want you to go back and listen to how you described your situation. You describe your body as something separate from you. And I need you to integrate at the age of 24, if you don't like your body, you're looking in the mirror and saying, I don't like me. And until you heal that part, you're going to be, the finish line for physique will continue to move. Oh, you got to 8% body fat? Cool. I bet I can get to 6.5. I'll get 6.5. I bet I can get it to 4%.
Oh, I got it to four. Now I'm going to try to see how big my veins, it's never going to stop. And then you're going to have to load up and you're going to start, you're going to start peptides and TRT at 27 years. Like you start doing wild, insane stuff because you're not chasing a better physique. You're chasing, looking in the mirror and saying, Michael, um, do you still like me? And the answer is going to be no until you deal with that. Now I'll ask you, why don't you like Michael? What is, what is, what is it about Michael inherently that you don't like?
I'm not really sure. That's a great question. Something just came to mind. What do you think it is? No, I'm trying to process that and think through it. I've always just felt that that was, you know, the physique was the root of it, but it seems like that might not be the case. Does that ring true to you? Yeah, I mean, it might, yeah. There might be something I don't like about myself. Well, not like about yourself. You keep distancing. I'm talking about you. Why don't you like Michael? You sound like a great guy. Uh...
I don't know. I feel like I can always get better and always keep going. You probably can, but get better. I'm trying to think. You've made better a value statement about you, about who you are, your personhood. Where does that story come from? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I'm really trying to think hard. Does it come from dad? Does it come from coaches? Does it come from a church? Where does the story come from?
you got to do these things or you got to be this thing or you're less than or some buddies. Yeah. I mean, I've, I had, uh, one thing that, you know, just comes to my head was I was, uh, I had a friend in high school who had a girlfriend at the time who looked at me straight in the face and said, if you just had your friends physique, if you had a friend's body, I mean, you would just be the whole thing, the whole package. Can I tell you why I'm laughing, Michael?
I had a girlfriend look at me when I was 16 years old, and dude, I was head over heels. And she said, my goodness, dude, if your teeth weren't so yellow, you would be so good looking. And to this day, I still smile with my mouth closed. I'm in my 40s. I've got two kids. I'm married to somebody else. To this day, it still haunts me. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Now, why are you giving that high school girl...
Like a room in your head for free. She rents there. She lives there. She doesn't even pay rent. Yeah, rent free. Man, I don't know. I don't know why I give her so much. Yeah, so much space. She wasn't even your girlfriend, right? Yeah. She wasn't even a good girlfriend. Yeah. So here's the deal. I'm a huge believer in pulling the string on these stories.
And really getting to the author. Who's the person that said that? And why am I giving that person a vote? Why does she get a vote? Because here's what happens. Those voices over time replay and replay and replay. And without us even knowing it, they become our own voice. We start speaking to ourselves in that voice. So it went from, man, if you were just do this, you'd be the total package. If you could just get more attractive, if you could just lift weights, if you could just, if I could just.
I could just lose this weight. If I could just get bigger muscles here, if I could just get abs, if I get a six pack, I need an eight pack. If I could, and suddenly an I statement becomes an identity and you don't feel good when you're at 6% body fat, you just don't like the dieting it takes to get down to that. You're cutting out of hanging out with your friends or you're that guy at the bar. That's like, Oh, I'll just have water. Not cause you don't want to drink alcohol, but you're like trying to bro up and you're
You kind of have everybody's respect, but you're also kind of that guy. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, for sure. And then you wonder why, like, why is that dude who's like kind of balding and has got kind of a belly, why is she with him, right? Because he's not electric. He feels safe. He's secure in himself. Now, does he need to probably go to the gym? Yeah. But you started this path of believing a story from somebody who didn't even have, you didn't even give authority to speak into your life, and she did, and you just took it.
And usually that story is like when that happens in high school, usually that's confirming something somebody else told us about us early on. Did your parents diet a lot? Uh, no, I don't think so. My mom, um,
got pretty healthy, health-oriented when she was diagnosed with cancer when I was in middle school. She never really pressed that super hard on me. This is something that our household kind of... Is she still alive? Yeah, she is, yeah. Did cancer scare you when you were a kid? Oh, yeah. I mean, when the...
When they say she won't live to see you graduate, it's pretty scary. And so I'm totally fishing here, and you and I would have to spend a long time, but I'm totally fishing, okay? So don't take this as gospel. No, that's fine. There could be a chance that when mom said, I'm sick with cancer and I might not see your high school graduation, so here's what I'm going to do. That somewhere in your middle school body that locked into this is the way to stay safe. And then a few years later, somebody told you this is also the way to be loved.
Yeah. And now you're 20. How old are you now? 24, 24. Yeah. You're 24, man. You sound tired. You just tired. Yeah. I am. I am tired of always, you know, I feel like I've kind of plateaued on my fitness journey. So I feel like I'm just keep trying. You haven't even stopped growing yet. Yeah. You haven't even hit dad strength yet. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like, like what you're plateauing is I think you're tired of hating Michael. Yeah.
My buddy, Sal with Mind Pump, and I've told this story on this show before, but I think it's worth reiterating. Him and I were talking privately about my struggling with my body image issues and body dysmorphia that I'd just wrestled with forever. And he said, hey, John, you can't hate yourself into better shape. And I was like, what are you talking about? And he said, if you go to the gym every day to try to not look a certain way,
Or if you go to the gym every day because you think you're gross and you're going to do X, Y, and Z so you're less gross or less unattractive. He said you will always, 100% of the time, burn out because disgust and hate is a jet fuel. It is a propulsion. It gets you out of a situation, but it's not long-term. But he said if you wake up every day and you say, dude, I like this guy and I'm worth an hour of feeling amazing.
You'll do that the rest of your life. And I'm going to tell you that's probably in the top two or three most important things somebody's told me over the last 10 years. Because I work out, I still work out every day because I love it and it feels good. But more importantly, I'm doing it because I get to. I'm doing it because I like John Deloney. I'm doing it so that I can be a good dad and a good husband and I can show up for my family. And yes, the aesthetic part comes with it. I like being in shape and I like my clothes fitting and all that kind of stuff.
But I'm not doing it because I think I'm gross anymore. And I'm not doing it because I don't like myself anymore. And do you see the difference? Yeah, that's a big difference. And so here's the exercise. I would love for you to write out on a piece of paper, not with a computer, unless you're just so 24 that you don't know how to use a pen, right? Because I know some 24-year-olds that are like, what's that clicking technology you have? But I want you to write out on a piece of paper, here are the things I love about Michael.
I'm a good man. I work hard. Here's where I'm going with my career. I love well. And here are the reasons I get to go exercise. I'm exercising for 50-year-old Michael. Yeah. Because I want 50-year-old Michael to be able to roll around on the floor with his kids. I want 50-year-old Michael. My son and I have a race this week in the mile. We race every year, once a year. And I'm going to lose for the first time this year. He's passed me.
And he's gotten real fast. But I want you training so that when you're 45, you can be like, I can still race my high school kid. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Like you're playing a long game now. And then I want you to do an exercise that a therapist made me do that was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I want you to put your chest in your fist and I want you to look in the mirror and say the words, I love Michael. I love this guy.
I want you to say it 10 times a day for 30 days. And that sounds so cheesy. And if anybody hears you doing it, they're going to call the, they're going to call the authorities and do a well check on you. But I want you to begin to practice loving Michael because then you're, and by the way, when that voice comes in your head, Oh, I see this little pudge here. This vein went away here or, Oh no, the scale moved up six ounces here or two pounds here. I want you to exhale and smile and say, she doesn't get a vote anymore.
Yeah. I'm going to practice listening. We're going to stop listening to her. How's that all sound? Nah, it sounds like it definitely rings true. Um, yeah, I totally feel like I've, you know, separated my body from me. So that's something I can just, you know, objectify and kind of, I can just mold this then, then I will, you know? Yeah. And I hate to tell you this, man, I'm with some of the strongest, most in shape men on planet earth. They're my friends. And, um,
All of us are still trying to figure out who we are as dads and husbands. You know what I mean? There's no amount of shape you can get in that's going to make you feel okay if you're not okay on the inside. And it was a troubling yet mind-blowing conversation the day, this is a few years ago now, my wife said, she had told me about the money part. Like, you can't make any more money for me to love you. I'm not going to love you anymore if you go make more money. Like, I just love you. That part's full. You've provided.
And you can't get any better shape. Like another vein is going to start getting gross after a while. I wish you would work out a little bit less and come hang out with us. I wish you would stay in great shape and eat healthy, but also on pizza night when your eight-year-old daughter makes pizza, have some. No one's going to, you know what I mean? And so it's been a great exercise for me to realize that I'm worth being loved despite my exercise routine.
and then i have to ask myself why am i still working out and then i have to look in the mirror and say because i love this guy and i'm worth feeling good and i'm worth laughing and having joy and i'm worth playing a long game so that 80 year old john can still move around and his knees and his hips and his shoulders still work and he can be a great grandfather playing a long game but all of it starts with you michael looking in the mirror and putting your hand in your chest your fist right in your chest and saying i love this guy and i'm not going to tolerate me talking bad about me anymore
Hang on the line, brother. I'm going to send you both Own Your Past, Change Your Future, and Building a Non-Anxious Life, my two number one bestselling books. It's going to be my gift to you, brother, as you start this journey. And check out my friends, Sal and Adam and Justin on Mind Pump and Doug. And check out my buddy, Jordan Syatt on Instagram. He swears a lot, but he's hilarious and his insights are just extraordinary.
I love you, good man. Take care. Hey, and follow my buddy Lane Norton. He'll bust up the signs for you too. Those are the guys I lean on, man. And they have changed me from the inside out. And hopefully they can change you too. Appreciate the call, brother. We'll be right back. I cannot shut up about my Helix mattresses. My sister is staying with me this week and she came down looking this morning like she just woke up from a coma. And her first question was, what in the world is that mattress? And I sang it to her. Hey,
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Go to helixsleep.com slash Delaunay. That's helixsleep, H-E-L-I-X-S-L-E-E-P dot com slash Delaunay. This offer won't last long, so go right now. Because with Helix Sleep, better sleep starts now. All right, let's go to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to, not Lionel, just regular Richie. Hey, Richie, what's up? Hey, Dr. John, how you doing, sir? I'm good, brother. What's up with you, man?
I'm doing all right. Well, happy Father's Day to you. I hope you had a really good day yesterday. Thanks, man. You too. Thank you. I wrote something down just to give you context quickly, and then I'll go with my question. Go for it. All right. So in October of 2019, my dad passed away after a two-and-a-half-year battle of this rare form of liver cancer. What was his name? Mike.
Richie as well. Richie, very cool. So he was my world and I just always wanted to grow up being just like him. And when I was in high school,
I wanted to continue what my dad started. And what I mean by that is he was a successful small business guy. And I eventually wanted to take over the family business. But unfortunately, due to his illness, economic factors, and just tensions between business partners who are extended family, the family business ended up closing down.
So since that has occurred, I've pretty much just felt lost. I feel angry. I feel guilty. I'm kind of just wondering what my purpose is or anything like that. And since I've spent all my time and energy to learn the family business and just to be just like him. So five months after he passed, my son was born and he's just amazing.
And he brought light into this difficult time. Um, so, and I just, I just want to be the best dad for him. Just like my dad was for me. So here we are, we're in father's day season and it's, I just dread this day because it just reminds me that my dad's gone. Um, I live in this like constant state of numbness and, um,
just from grief and feeling of like a failure. And I don't want to be celebrated. I just want to be alone. And these past few years, Father's Day comes, I somehow find a way to deflect the attention on me and put it somewhere else. So my question for you is,
How do I work through this grief and this feeling of failure and allow myself to be celebrated by my family, but most likely, of course, my son? Man, what an amazing question, dude. For those listening, yesterday was Father's Day. So we're actually recording this the day after Father's Day. But man, there's...
Just for whatever it's worth, man, people reached out to me on social media and there's a lot of hurt around Father's Day. Like, where was my dad? My dad wasn't here. My dad's passed away. My dad left us all when we were kids, all that kind of stuff. So Father's Day is a range of emotions. And then on the other hand, I had the best day I've had in probably a year yesterday, right? Just with my kids and my wife. So the arc is so big. I'm trying to think of where to start here. Let's put the business completely aside for a second, okay?
All right. What made Richie, like when you think of your old man, Richie, and you think of the word warm, what are some things he did that made you feel warm or safe? Man, the biggest thing that comes to my mind is I just remember we had a
We moved into this new area when I was a kid and this new neighborhood. And I was, you know, I was being bullied as this new kid in school. And there was this one particular kid that was just like getting other kids to...
gang up on me, make fun of me. Um, they jumped me in the gym locker room one time and I told my dad about it. And I just remember my dad's like, all right, we're going to go meet this kid somewhere and we're going to settle this. So I, after school one day, um, I get, well,
Me and this kid arranged like a date of fight. It's messed up, but we did. And that's why we used to do it. I know people listen and they're like, but it used to be a date at a time and you show up and that's where the fight's going to be.
Yeah, absolutely. So, so that's what happened. We picked a day and time and me and this bully, we met at the place and he's like, I'm going to get all my friends there. And, um, he had, he brought like three guys and I had my dad and my dad showed up and he went up to these three kids. He's like, you guys are going to step aside.
He goes, you're not going to do a thing. These two have a problem. They're going to duke it out, work it out. And if you guys get involved, there's going to be problems. And that's what happened. Me and this bully, we duked it out. And then we never had a problem again. And that was just the greatest moment just because I had him by my side. Yeah. He believed in you, huh?
Yeah. And he did that, they call it scaffolding. And I know research nerds like me are going, that's not scaffolding, that's abuse or whatever. But he provided enough protection that you were safe and then he let you get in the ring, right? Yeah. And then did he, after it was all settled, did he walk you home? Yeah, we went home and we talked about it and everything.
He just told me, he goes, sometimes you got to go through tough crap, but I got you, man. I'm going to be with you, whatever that is. Okay. And now think about your son. How old is your son now? Four. Four years old. You would burn down a building for that kid, wouldn't you? Dude, I'd do anything for him. Why won't you let him love you like your dad let you love him? I don't know. I don't know.
I've been asking myself that for a little while now. I just, um, your dad proud of you. You know, I think he is. Don't don't say that. You know, you know the answer to that. Was your dad proud of you before he passed? Yeah. Did he raise you well? Yeah. Yeah. Did your dad ever lie to you? Never. Why do you think he's suddenly a liar? Um, I don't think he is. I just putting, I'm putting, I put high standards on myself. High standards are good. Yeah.
But it sounds like you're meeting them. It sounds like a bunch of family knuckleheads closed a business down, but your dad wasn't that business. Your dad was the warm dad who hugged you. Your dad was the dad that said, I believe in you. We're going to go handle this scuffle. Your dad was the dad who showed up and said, I got you. He wasn't a business. And somehow you've wrapped up love and connection and success and that warmth of fatherhood into a job. That's not you anymore than it was him. What do you do for a living right now?
Um, I work in banking. Okay. Do you hate that job? I could tell you by the way you said banking, I could tell you hate it, man. Why are you doing that? Um, so I did it, um, when, when the business was struggling, I needed to find work. So it was the best thing to pay the bills. Okay. Stop right there. You know, that's a Richie move, a Richie senior move right there.
I'm going to keep my kids safe and I'm going to go do something that I don't like every single day to provide for them. That's manhood. That right there is a father. And that is Richie senior coming through. You're not through your hands in a small business, but through your eyeballs in a spreadsheet, whatever you're doing at the bank, right? Yeah. Yeah. You're doing whatever you got to do. It just looks different. It's a new century.
What do you want to be doing? I've been trying to figure that out. Okay, well, I'm going to hook you up with some resources from my buddy Ken, but I'll hook you up with that stuff before we leave. Now, let me ask you this. I actually did Ken's assessment. Okay, how'd that work? Well, the results are pretty spot on. I just don't know what to do next with it. I don't believe that. I think you're scared to. Why are you scared to?
I just don't want to fail. Say it. I don't want to make a mistake. Okay. How many mistakes did your dad make starting a small business? To be honest, I'm not sure. A ton. A ton. I work for Dave Ramsey right now, which is just a huge family business with 1,000 employees. And when you sit down and talk about the things he's done over the years where he –
millions into something that didn't work out. He's got stories like that for days. You don't get a successful business without a lot of failures. You just don't. The only thing that's going to truly keep you from doing what you want to do is you never start. Yeah. Let me ask you this. I guess. Go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah. Well, I guess, um, you know,
I guess what's difficult is I, growing up, you know, as a kid, my dad worked, you know, starting this small business, he worked a lot, a lot of hours. So I really only got to, you know, it wasn't until maybe middle school, high school that he was around more because it was more established. So sometimes I'm afraid of taking time away from my son because I didn't have as much time with him, my dad as a kid. Now we're getting to it. Yep.
Every minute's precious and you know that more than most. You know that more than I do. My dad's still alive. Yeah. You know how super precious those things are. And let me challenge that because now you're looking back and saying, I would do anything to have T-ball season back with dad while he was building that business when he was five, right? Yeah. But then I look at the guy who the business folded that you were supposed to take on and you went and got a job that you don't love to provide for your family. And I see Richie Sr. living on through you. So he's still with you.
You don't feel that warmth and you don't see his hand behind you saying, all right, we're here at the hills or behind the school or wherever we're having the fight, but I'm here. Go. Go do what you got to do. But he's right in the middle of your chest. Now, let me ask you this. Why won't you let him go? You are hanging on to him like your four-year-old hangs on to you at the pool. Why? Why won't you let your old man go rest? Um...
I don't know. It's never been put that way to me. So I don't know how to answer that. Brother, all this grief and anger and like pausing and pausing and pausing, it's because your hands are gripped so tightly around the memory of your dad as though if you let him go, suddenly he's going to disappear from you. And he's not. He's not going to leave you. He never will leave you. Ever. Here's what I want you to do. Here's your homework assignment. Will you do it if I tell you? Yeah.
I want you to, I tell everybody to do the same thing and it's somewhat magical, okay? I want you to write your old man a letter to dear Richie or dear dad. And the first letter, you're going to write three of them. And the first letter is how much you miss him, how much you hate cancer, how much he's missed. Like you had a son and I want you to write this stuff down. Dad, I had a son and his name is such and such. And he's hilarious and he's just like you in these ways and he's just like mom in these ways.
And I feel so lost trying to be as good a dad as you were. I want you to write all that down. And then about a week later, I want you to write a second letter. And this letter is going to be a hard one. And this letter is how pissed off you are that he left so soon. How he spent all those years working and then he got cancer. And now when you need him, he's not there. Because that's the part of grief that most of us skip over. And it's not dishonoring. It's holy. It's right. And you're mad that he's not with you, aren't you?
Yeah. And, you know, to throw a little something extra in there, you know, I knew the business was eventually going to fold. It was just, it was just a matter of time. And I, I feel guilty saying that I'm mad at him for a portion of it because I just remember he's in the hospital bed and
you know, he's fighting so hard and I was proud of him for his fighting. But I said, dad, you know, I just want to, can we just close it down? Let's just let it fall because I just want to spend these last moments with you, you know, because I, we know that time is running out and I just want as much time as I can get. And, um, he told me, he's like,
He goes, well, I don't want to. He's like, I worked so hard for this. I don't want it to go away. Yeah. And think of it this way. And so you're seeing that on your side of the fence as my dad in his last few days, last few weeks, last few months chose the business over me. And if your dad's like most men his age, he grew up in some significant economic insecurity. Was money tight for him growing up?
Yeah, he grew up in the slums of New York City. That's exactly right. So here's what he did. To his dying breath, he was going to make sure his son had a road. To the moment he quit breathing, he was going to keep fighting so that Richie would have a life that he didn't have. And does that look like love to you then? No. It looks like I'm missing my dad.
But that he opened his toolkit for how to love a son. And I guarantee you his old man didn't give him a lot of tools. And he used every tool he had. He only has about two of them. And he tried to continue to make sure you were going to be okay financially. Yeah. And I want you to be mad at him because you want to hug him. And when you finally go through that anger on the other side is going to be, he did the best he could with the tools he had in his toolkit, man. You get what I'm saying? Yeah.
Yeah, I do. I want you to sit in that letter and it's going to be really uncomfortable. Okay. Here's the third letter. A week later, it's a three week project. The third letter is, I want you to write with a smile on your face, dear dad, you're not going to believe the man and father I'm becoming. And then I want you to tell him about all the things that you're going to do, how you're going to take some of the lessons you learned and apply them to your son and how you can do some things differently.
I've told my dad who's still alive things I'm going to do differently with my son. And I have done. And my dad's excited for me. He's not like, whoa, we're not. He's proud. He sees the like continuing on the legacy of change. But I want you to let him know you go rest. Oh, man, you put in your fight. You did. You gave me a shot and I'm going to use that shot. All right. You see what I'm saying? And here's here's the whole thing. You got to go through it.
You got to weep and tell him I miss you. And you got to bang your fist on the table and say, I'm so mad that you're gone. And then you got to open your hands and say, go sit with the angels, old man. I got it from here. And, bro, you're going to be scared. And you're going to not know what the next step is. And you have to understand he didn't either. He just kept getting in the ring and hitting the next guy there. Yeah. Right? Yeah, man. And then every Father's Day,
I want you to write him a letter and say, or a card. It doesn't even have to be a letter. It can just be a card. Dear old man, we miss you. Put a picture of him up. That's all right. And then turn to that little boy and to that little boy's mom. Say, it's my day. It's father's day. Let's do something rad. And you have to work. Your mission in life is to learn how to let yourself be loved as you loved him.
And it's going to be uncomfortable and wonky. And you're going to want to move the spotlight. And if you go back to the beginning of this episode, I'm still learning this now. Kelly said, hey, John, you did a good job on this show. And I exhaled and said, thank you. I'm still learning to accept it because it's hard. But that's our job now. In this new 21st century of being men, we have to learn how to go do hard stuff and provide and all that, protect all that stuff. And we have to learn how to accept love.
And most of our dads didn't have time for that stuff. They were too busy trying to provide. Cool, that's our job. You're going to practice it. Because when you pass away, which you will someday, I want your son to say there was no hug left ungiven. And my dad held my face every night and said, I love you and I'm so proud of you. And my dad was a banker. I saw him put a tie on every day and it was strangling him to death, but he went and did it to provide for us. And then one day when he saved up enough money, he quit and started his own business and he was kind of wonky, but he did it.
Now you're on to the next. I'm proud of you, Richie. You're the man that your dad prayed for that you would become. But you have to let your old man go. It's time. And instead of looking to the past, you got to look to the future and say, all right, I'm going to take this baton that you handed me. I'm going to run with it. This family tree that you planted, I'm going to water that tree and I'm going to fertilize the soil. This thing's going to get big and the roots are going to grow deep. Appreciate you, Richie. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back.
All right, I want to talk about Halo. It's an app that I use just about every single day. So we're here at the end of summer trying to fit in that last minute vacation, trying to figure out where all of our money went and trying to plan for the start of school. And it's chaos. It's chaos. It's chaos in your life and it's chaos in mine.
And it's this season when it's super important to make sure you double and triple down on your exercise practices, your counseling, your relationships, and your spiritual health. And if you're a person of faith or if you're just curious and you don't know anything about this faith, prayer, whatever stuff, don't let your daily prayer or your meditation practices or your questions go unanswered or by the wayside. Don't let your still time with God go.
As things ramp up and get more and more chaotic, we have to choose to slow down and focus on the things that really, really matter.
And in addition to my conversations with my friends and my personal reading and journaling time, Hallow helps me stay on point with my spiritual practices. Hallow is an app that's easy to download right to your phone and it is packed with daily prayers, lecture series, meditations, music, stories, nighttime sleep programs, and more. Hallow is the number one prayer app in the world. And it's simple, it's super high quality, and you can personalize it based on wherever you happen to be in your spiritual life.
I use it on my drive to work, when I'm sitting in front of my red light, sometimes when I'm out walking my dogs, and I even listen to some of the music when I'm writing.
Hallow has a journaling feature for your own personal reflection. I could go on and on. It's got everything. Here's what's really cool. This month, Hallow has special guests each week walking us through the lives of some incredible historical saints, learning more about their life, their faith, their story, and ultimately their surrender to God's call on their life. Hallow's Saints in Seven Days series dives deeper into the lives of these prominent saints, exploring their journey to sainthood and how it relates to our own lives.
Here's the deal. My friends at Halo are giving you three free months to try all of this right now. That's 90 days to experience the joy and peace that this experience can help bring to your life. It's totally free to try it out. Go try it. It can change everything. Go to halo.com slash Deloney today for three free months. That's halo, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney.
All right, let's go out to Baton Rouge, Los Angeles and talk to Lauren. Hey, Lauren, what's up? Hello, how are you? I'm so good. How are you? I'm doing well. Thank you. And congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We're all just glowing in here. It's pretty cool. Okay, perfect. Okay, so my question is, how do I address concerns about my little sister's fiance before their wedding in just over a month?
Ooh, that one's tough. Tell me about, tell me about your concerns. Right. Um, well there's a lot. So I tried to shorten the list, um, down to like maybe five from 50. Give me the, give me the one that is the, the one or two that are deal breakers. Okay. There's okay. Well, the first one is that she has worked her entire life to go to medical school. Um, our dad's a doctor. She has studied literally since high school. Um, she, um,
gets into medical school. She has been dating this guy for about three-ish months, I guess, at this point. And she just doesn't really mention anything about medical school. My dad and us, we just think she had it hurt back. And then we find out that she just doesn't want to go anymore because it will take too long. And she doesn't want to be in her 30s when she starts her family. And we were like, okay.
Um, anyway, and then that was one of the first huge life changes that we were like, that's out of left field. It could be coincidental, but at the same time, like his parents were very, very traditional. Um, mom stayed home. Dad is lawyer, all that. So that was number one.
And then the second was that he's very, very Catholic. And again, this is like within the first six months. Okay, so he's very Catholic and we are not. We went to Christian school, all that stuff, but we never were in like organized religion.
So they were intimate. I don't know how many times, but I guess then he... Intimate, like, oh, they slept together. Okay. Yeah, they slept together. I didn't know how, like... Yeah, you could say sex. We're all grown up. Okay, amazing. Now, when you said they're intimate, I was like, do they light candles and have, like, John Mayer playing in the background? No, literally. They took the rosary. No. Okay. Yeah.
Yeah, they had sex. And then, yeah, sorry. And then he, I guess, I don't know what it was. He said, actually, you need to convert to Catholicism because you need to like pure yourself or whatever they say, or else we cannot be together. Mind you, like he is not, I mean, he's Catholic, but I don't, to my knowledge, he's not like, you know, Latin mass Catholic.
So that was, and then she tells us like, well, you know, it's South Louisiana. I wish I didn't know South Louisiana, but I spent a chunk of time there in my childhood. Really? And I've got some amazing stories from South Louisiana. I grew up in Houston. So yeah. Oh yeah, my parents are from there. Yeah, I won't explain it, but yeah, there was some experiences I had in South Louisiana. All right. So what...
I keep going. This is fun for me. What else? Give me two more. It's super fun for me too. Um, okay. So another one, um, is okay. They've never lived in the same city ever, um, until last fall.
They've only been long distance. And well, she would always go see him because, I don't know, he was busy studying or something. Meanwhile, my sister's also in like biochemistry at LSU. So, but she was changing her exams around because she had to be there for some reason. We also don't know any of this at the time. And so now she moved to Indiana where he is in law school.
He was a stay-at-home girlfriend, pretty much. Our dad helped us out financially while we were in school and all that. And then she got engaged and he was like, you have to go live with your fiance. I'm sorry. And so now his parents are paying for both of them fully. And so, which adds an entire new layer of control on multiple aspects of
Because how are you going to say, have a voice if all the people to say back is, well, I don't know if I paid for it. So sorry, you can't go or whatever the case may be. So, okay. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Last one. Last one. Okay. I'm a talker. So no, it's cool. I just feel like you need to get this out. So give me one. Right. I'm like, hello. Okay. So,
Just finishing that one, she followed him to D.C. for the summer for an internship. He's living with his friends. She is staying at his friend's parents' house.
Um, don't know why then she had to be there. Then they're going to London next semester. Same thing. Doesn't have a job. My sister doesn't just to be there for him. Okay. So that is that. And then the most recent thing is, so ever since she moved there, me and my middle sister, we noticed how controlling he had been. Like we, we just kind of thought he like sucked. Um, and he just needed like,
validation all the time, but we would FaceTime her and she would be hiding in the bathroom. And we'd hear him in the background saying, I have a headache. Be quiet. Be quiet. Or set boundaries with your sisters, which we interpret with everything we know as don't let your sisters in so much because he knows kind of how we feel and we're all very close. And so that's happened. And then she... Okay, hold on, hold on. You're not close. Okay. You're not.
I'm not what? I don't think y'all are that close. Nope. Okay. Not anymore. Right. There you go. I think he used to be. And so all the things you're telling me are, have little to do with him. Now I'll address him in a minute. It's that your sister is, is she 21, 22? She's 24. Okay. 24. She's making 24 year old decisions. She's a grown up. No, I agree. No, I agree. And you hate them. I do. Yes. And you're allowed to hate them.
The thing you're not allowed, I mean, you're allowed to do whatever you want. You're an adult. But the thing I think you're killing yourself over is. My whole family, we're about to like stand, the wedding's in Napa. We're about to stand up and say. Okay, but think about this, guys. Y'all waited so long. I know. And hold on, y'all have to own that because she's down the road. And if I'm her and y'all just have an intervention, I would feel so caught off guard and so hurt.
And the fact that you're a sister, like, I'm just, I'm just telling you, like, if my little brother, who's an amazing man, we're all old now, but if he was 24 and he was explaining this to me, I would have gotten my car. And we weren't that close when he was 24. I would have gotten my car and gone to him and be like, dude, what are you doing? Why haven't you done that? Right.
Um, we have, all of us have, um, my dad's had her down. I mean, for years we've been saying the very first time she mentioned him, she was like, Oh, he's arrogant, whatever. But, um, they're having a party for Christmas. So I'm going to go. Cause you know, um, she was friends with his neighbor. So that was our first impression. And then we start hearing about it. We start kind of seeing how we treat her very demanding of her time, everything. Um, and so we're like, Hey, this is a little much. Um,
She was like, no, it's fine. She just constantly shrugs it off. And I mean, we know that, I mean, she knows that no one in our family is on board. Okay. So at what point are y'all going to, so this guy sounds like a complete jerk. Okay. I'll go with you. Sounds like a jerk and he's super controlling and all that. Yeah. But y'all have all sat her down.
Y'all have all said, hey, this guy's not okay. We had different dreams for you. And here's the thing. She may have been looking for an exit out of med school for years. Who knows? Right. Who knows? And I'm telling you that as somebody who worked at the university system for years, that people get all the way through and get through with their MCATs.
And they'd come to my office sobbing because they did not want to go to med school. And they felt like they were on a train they couldn't get off of. And you know what they did? They found the first guy or the first girl they could hitch to to get off the train because their whole family had a life planned out for them. Not their whole family wasn't standing beside them, cheering them on, putting jet fuel into whatever rocket they were getting into.
And they end up in these wild relationships because that was the path out because I had no autonomy agency of my own. That may not be your sister, but I'm just telling you, I've heard this over and over and over and over again. Over again. Okay.
Do you think she still wants to be a doctor and she's being like silenced? Yes. Because now she's talking about maybe going to PA school. Um, she, at first she was just taking like a gap year. Um, and then, I mean, the other day she was actually saying like, you know, I'm so bored. Um, I wish I was still in school or I wish I was like doing something with my degree. There you go. So is she, did she match when she was going through the, the, okay. Like she deferred or she, did she drop? She,
She said she deferred. I don't know if she actually did or if she just dropped. Okay. So if I'm you, I would get in a car and I would drive or I would fly and I would say, we're meeting. Right. And I need two hours of your time. And I would write everything I wanted to say. And then I would leave that letter with her. Okay. That I love you. And if you're stuck, you can come stay with me. And so here's what we're going to offer. We're going to offer a path.
Not a, we hate this guy and we think you're throwing your life away and you are going to be all this. You had so much potential in this because here's the deal. She's 24. She's almost 25. She can do whatever she wants with her life. Yeah, definitely. And if she wants to transition from med school to being a stay at home mom, she gets to do that. And what she needs is her sisters to rally around her and use that brain power and that skill set to be the best mom on planet earth. And if she doesn't and she's trapped, then she needs an off ramp.
Not just a bunch of people like pointing the finger at her saying, if you're ready to get off the off, it's almost like an addiction, right? Like when you're ready, we will be right here with the car running for you. Yeah. And that we did say that. Okay. We did say that literally last week. Um, and we're not, I'm not knocking on stay at home moms. I'm a stay at home mom. No, I got you. I know you're not. I know you're not. I think you're worried about your sister.
It was just a complete 180 for us. And then. But it's not about y'all. It's not about y'all. No, I know. I know. I know. It's not about y'all.
I know. Okay, well, she's the youngest. I know, I know, I know. You love her. I know you love her and you had this vision. And probably if you're like me, if my little brother had been going to med school, I would have already counted on not having to pay doctor bills and I would have worked that into a budget. 1,000%. Right? I mean, our dad's retiring soon. Exactly. There you go. So this is y'all's future, but it's not about y'all. Y'all have to stop using that kind of language because you don't get a vote. What you do get is...
love and connection and friendship and sister a sister bond that is is unmatched in its strength right um but if you already sat down and said hey if you need out come with us yes we have you can live with us you can stay with us we'll help you get back on your feet whatever financially we got you yeah what you say
Well, so they were getting married in Napa in the end of July. And then when we come back the following weekend, they are having a 500-person reception in New Orleans. Hey, you got to stop getting all mad about their money. No, I don't care about that. But I'm saying she is... No, I don't care about that stuff. It's just a lot to...
I don't know. I mean, now that I'm talking to you, I'm like, oh my God, I'm making up this story in my head. Yeah, you've made up this whole... You're like... Do you listen... Do you read like Colleen Hoover? It sounds like that. Like there's like this whole... No, I do not. But it sounds like there's this whole like series of books you've written about what's happening. I know. I think it's me and my mom and my other sister and...
It's just been kind of like the elephant in the room. She doesn't come around anymore. Why would she? I wouldn't come around. No, no. Because you'll hate her. You'll hate her. No. Your life.
No, I really, I feel like I'm not explaining this well. No, seriously, because she'll come home, like she'll come in town and she'll be at my house and our other sister is in town as well from New York and our mom. And he's calling her like 10 times to the point where she answers and says, hey, is something wrong?
And then she's like, oh, I thought something was wrong. Why are you calling me so much? And then she goes in the other room. It's like nine o'clock. And she's saying, like, why can't I just stay till 915? Like, I'll call you when I get back to my dad's house at 915. She had a curfew?
No, that's what I'm saying. Sorry. I feel like I left out so much. I told you I had a 50 point list. Um, and then, so she's like, and then finally she just says, Oh, you know, I have to go. Um, I'm really tired. And then I hear her on the phone, uh, saying like, you're not a chore. Okay. I'm not picking my sisters over you. Um, like I'm leaving, I'm leaving. So listen, when you, when you talked to her the other day, what did she say?
When we talked to her the other day, it was me and my other sister on FaceTime, and she actually listened for the first time. FaceTime's no good, but keep going. I know. She's in D.C. I know. I know. We're all over the place. Get on a plane and go see your sister. But go ahead. Go ahead. You talked on FaceTime and what she said. We did. We did. We said—we told her all these things that she said she didn't know about or she tried to cover it up. For example—
He never comes around our family. And she's like, oh, he just isn't used to y'all. And we're like, okay, that's not true because you told us that he doesn't like being around us. What did she say? What did she say? What did she say? She basically said, made excuses for it. We said, that's not true. And then just cried and said, I love y'all. I love y'all. Thank you for being honest with me. And then, I mean, she wasn't, she was crying. And yeah. She knows. She knows. She knows. Here's what I would do.
If I, again, I can't tell anybody what to do and I don't know your financial situation and all that. I think that you know that your sister is in a situation that she feels like she's gotten on yet another train that has left the station that she's having a hard time getting off of. Is that fair? Yeah, that's a really good way to put it. So I think it would be, I'm just telling you what I would do here. This was just me. That's the best wisdom I can give you right now. I'd get on a plane and I'd go sit with her in private.
We go to a coffee shop or whatever, and I would slide across the table a plane ticket. And I would say, this is, you can use this at any time. I've bought this. Are you married right now? Right. Yeah, I am. Okay. So me and my husband bought this for you. Our house is always open and we'll pick you up. If you go through with the wedding, you'll be my sister forever and we'll love you and we'll always support you.
but I can't be your sister and not let you know face to face that I'm worried about you. And I've heard this and I've heard this. If there's anything left unspoken, if y'all heard anything over, like y'all have seen text messages or you overheard conversations. A lot, yeah. If you have not said those things so that she knows that you know,
Right. Because a lot of times, a lot of times there's, if you're an abusive or trapped relationship, the game continues and people know things, but they won't say those things out loud. Right. So at this point it's, it's speak now forever. Hold your peace.
Well, right. Okay. So I think we had typically danced around it and I felt like the other day we were pretty direct, but at the same time, I agree. We're not face to face. Um, our other sister lives in New York city. Um, and so she is actually next weekend, I believe, um, is going to DC to see our sister. If you, if there's any way you can go, you should go.
I will try. I have a newborn. I know. I know it's hard. I know it's hard. I'll bring him. Bring him. Have an adventure. Oh, I will. I will go. And if you can't, that's okay. I'm not trying to put a ton of pressure on you, but I'm just saying they're so being trapped in a relationship that's unsafe, that is scary, that is, oh gosh, I got off this roller coaster and now I'm in another roller coaster. And I think letting her know we don't care about going to med school. We don't care about any of that stuff. We care about our sister and we feel like we're losing you.
And just so we're clear, we've heard him say this, and we heard you saying you're not picking one or the other, and we heard you have a curfew. You're worth more than a curfew for God's sake. The guy you're going to marry should be so freaking happy that his new wife has three or two sisters that are ride or die. What an amazing gift for an incoming husband that she's got people she can just text and call.
who are a little bit down the road from her, like when it comes to having kids and jobs and all that stuff. It's amazing. And let her know, we are sorry that we put all this pressure on you to be the baby, the baby doctor. We just want our sister. And if you go through with this, we will or we will not be at that 500-person party in San Francisco. I mean, I'm sorry, in New Orleans. I would suggest you go. Go and dance and let her know you're not alone. You're not alone. You're not alone.
But, man, all the stuff about like you got to just be careful about making up stories about like, oh, the Catholics this and then this. Then they had sex. Then there's this. She's 24 years old. What she needs now more than anything is to know that her sisters haven't haven't left that even though she got on a different different ride for a while and she needs to be able to articulate back to you. I love him. This is the life I'm choosing.
And I need y'all to respect my choices. And if she can't articulate that, then man, slide a ticket across the table and say, anytime, anywhere, we got you. Here's a one-year ticket for a thousand bucks for Southwest or whatever. And you can use it anytime and we'll be there to pick you up. But give her an off ramp. Don't just give her a bunch of lectures and, you know, we're your sisters. Here's a path.
but I'm glad you love her but that's all of us and I'm guilty of this too careful of making up stories and then responding to the stories and then getting our sister and our mom and our brother into those stories because it just turns into it's a jungle of its own turns into its own chaos and then we start trying to work through that man we just complicate everything this is my sister I'm gonna look you in the eye across the table and say I love you I love you and I'm worried about you and here's the path out if you want to take it I'm here
And at the end of the day, it's the best you can do. It's the best you can do. Thanks for the call, Lauren. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So my wife and I were meeting the other day about the back-to-school madness that is about to be on us. We've got my travel schedule, her work schedule, our daughter's new school and clothes and forms to fill out and all these online portals and my son's sports schedule. And he's got to have shoes every two weeks because his feet won't stop growing. And how are we going to pay for all this? And on and on and on.
And when we step back and look at our schedule, it's so packed and we haven't even put in the things like exercise, date nights, counseling appointments, church and holiday trips and big home projects. And these are the things that make life worth living. And I listened to y'all. This is your life too. And here's what I've learned. When it comes to taking care of me, my family and my work, I have to begin with the things that matter most and the things that keep me well and whole so I can wade into the chaos and be sturdy and present and strong.
you too. So as you're planning your upcoming end of summer and fall plans, make sure you don't skip date nights, don't skip regular exercise, and don't skip your regular therapy appointments. Yes, therapy can be hard work, but can also help make the rest of your life possible.
When it comes to therapy, I want you to consider calling the team at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy staffed with licensed therapists. It's convenient, it's flexible, and it's suited to fit your schedule.
With a good therapist, you can learn things like positive coping skills, how to set boundaries, how to deal with all the chaos going on in your life, and how to be the best version of yourself. In this upcoming season, make sure you put on your oxygen mask first. Never skip therapy day. Call my friends at BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney.
All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What's up? All right, this is from Paige. I don't know where she's at. I had a girl that I had a big crush on in middle school named Paige. If that's you, I see you. I'm married, so don't be weird, but that's all I'm saying. It'd be cool if she reached out. All right, go ahead. All right.
An interview about building a non-anxious life popped up on YouTube, and I'm a Ramsey Solutions fan, so I listened. I've never struggled with anxiety per se, but something that Dr. John said about choosing reality struck a chord, and I decided to take the quiz and buy the book. My results were, let's say, bad. So this is the anxiety quiz I'm assuming that they're talking about, just so everybody knows what that is.
I realized that through reading the book and later through listening to the show that I may not have been caring for my body or my mind. I was, quote, unquote, checking out of my life throughout the day. I hated my body, and I felt like I was living under a wet blanket, which, ew. Yeah. That's very descriptive. It's very descriptive, but also I totally get it. Yeah. Yeah.
I used to be an athlete, social butterfly, avid reader, and very flirtatious with my husband, but we've been buried under the stress of being pregnant and nursing for basically the last 10 years, moving a lot and working part-time. Prompted by your book, I told my husband— I'm hoping she has a bunch of kids. I hope so. Yeah. Whoa. I'm imagining quite a few. Whoa. Yes. Lots of kids. Lots of kids. Otherwise, that's a really extended nursing period.
Anyway, prompted by your book, I went to counseling 20 years late, but hey, whatever. I started an exercise routine. I've lost 25 pounds since January. My counselor helped me with practical techniques to stop disassociating and had me write letters to my teenage self about all of the abuse. I cried a lot, and I don't cry. I felt the weight lift off my shoulders. My kids told me that they can, quote, see mommy in her eyes again. This was very hard to hear.
I'm getting together with friends on a weekly basis. My husband and I can't keep our hands off each other. Gross. And although if I get pregnant again, I'm going to be pissed. I told two of my friends about this, and they opened up to me about some of their struggles, and I've purchased books for both of them, and they are now on their roads to recovery as well. So grateful for all you do. I never miss a show. Dude, that's pretty rad. And by the way,
I say this not to be like, oh, shucks. We don't do anything. Like we talk on a podcast and I take some phone calls.
That's somebody who like started making these changes in her home or in the mirror and then with her therapist and then with her husband and then with her kids. That line, I'll keep that line. I'll put that one away in my storage space in the back of my heart. My kids see their mom again in my eyes. Like that's beautiful. That's really amazing. Read that line again.
She said, my kids said that they see their mom again in my eyes. That's so good. And kids, man, they can see it. They know when you're there and they know when you're not there. That's beautiful, man. Everybody who is making these changes slowly but surely, thank you. I'm really grateful. And I appreciate you sending these stories in because it puts a little, as the great Vinnie Tortorich says, it puts a little coal in the engine and keeps the train going down the track.
It just provides some energy to get up and keep doing the show again. So thank you so much. What was her name? Paige. Paige. It's amazing. Probably not the Paige, but pretty awesome. Dude, good call. That was a good one, Kelly. Thanks for reading that. I need that one this morning. Beautiful. And team shout out. Number three. Next stop. Number one. Love you guys. Bye.
