#2158 - Harland Williams
02:36:17 Share

Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast. Oh, boy. I think I've known you for 30 years. You know how crazy that is? 31. Is it really? Yeah. I remember the day we met. Really? Baskin Robbins on Melrose. Really? Yeah. Did we meet at Baskin Robbins? Baskin Robbins. I got one of those memories, like the girl from Taxi. Oh, do you really? You got a mint chocolate chip, double scoop, and I had peanut butter and chocolate. I think you're making this up. Well. Oh, yeah.

I think you're making this up. He's making this up. I was like, hold on, let's see how this goes. Yeah, as soon as he was saying he's got a memory like the lady from Taxi, I was like... And I couldn't even remember her name. That lady's got a crazy memory. She does. She can tell you dates in 1972, what day it was. Dude, I bumped into her at a sushi joint once, and she reenacted the day I lost my virginity. It's unbelievable. Wow. She remembered it. How does she know?

You think she's an alien? No, it was her. Oh, really? Yeah. She popped my cherry. She was hot back in the day. She drove my taxi. Ooh. Yeah. She acted as your depot. Wait, what's her name? Mary Lou Retina? No. What is it? It's close. Mary Lou Iris? No. Cornea. Cornea. Mary Lou Cornea. What was her name? Retin? No, that's the gymnast. She's the gymnast. That's the gymnast. What was her name? Marlee Matlin.

That's the deaf chick. Yeah. That's the one that everybody had to pretend was really good at acting. But she did win an Oscar, didn't she? Mary Lou Henner. Oh, she did the tampon commercials. Did she? Yeah. And who better to do them than a tumbler? They get guys to do them now. Yeah. It's a new world. Yeah. Yeah, there she is. Back in the day when she was on Taxi, she was hot. But you can't ever lie to her.

Yeah, she knows everything. You didn't. I didn't say that. Like, not only did you say that, you were wearing this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she just knows it all. Yeah. Unbelievable. That's probably a real issue in relationships. Yeah. You can never argue with her about who is right. She remembers it. Yeah. 100%. You got a foggy ass, bullshit, normal human. Like, how good's your memory? My memory's not that good. Maybe she's an elephant. I don't think their memory's that good. They say they are.

Yeah, but like shit that you would remember too. Right, like how often do you watch one of those nature shows and you see like elephants wandering around aimlessly and you know they're looking for their car because they can't remember where they parked. Idiots. Imagine if elephants could drive. That would be a real problem. How big would their fucking car be? How big would their roads have to be?

If anybody else, any other animals, started developing electronics, I think we'd just kill them. Yeah. Be like, what the fuck are you doing over there? Like, we wouldn't be cool with chimps fastening their own weapons. If they started making guns, if chimps started smelting iron, like figuring out ballistics, you see chimps on the range. Yeah. You're like, hey, hey, hey, only us. Yeah. Well, isn't that what Planet of the Apes is all about? Similar. They evolved to the point where... Wasn't the new one like experiments? Yeah.

Wasn't it like some kind of experiments? Like they would do, like back in the day, it was like a time machine thing. Like they went, right? Like the really old ones. Yeah, the first one. There's a time machine and you go forward in time and you realize like, oh my God, the apes are now humans. Yeah, they landed so far in the future on Earth. You know who wrote that one? Rod Serling.

Oh, did he really? Yeah, from Twilight Zone. He was the fucking man. He was way ahead of his time. With everything. Genius. So many good episodes. You go back to watch the Twilight Zone, it's like, no production value, no money for special effects. Incredible show. And that's what was part of their charm. But the music, everything worked.

And if you look at a lot of modern day movies, they were predicated on those old shows. Like Chucky. There's an old episode with Telly Savalas. Talky Tina. Hi, I'm Talky Tina and I'm going to kill you. This was a doll, remember? Oh, yeah.

Fast forward to Chucky, that demented, redheaded, freckle-faced freak. Look at that. There she is, talky Tina. You know what my favorite one was? To Serve Man. Oh, yeah, it's a cookbook. Yeah.

And then Juliet Childs walks out of the UFO. Yeah. Hello, everybody. We're going to serve your children. What did the aliens look like on To Serve Man? It was very bizarre. Yeah, they had giant bulbous heads. Yeah, there it is. There it is. Yeah. They looked like Herman Munster without the hair. Look how bad this fucking makeup is. You can see where it's glued to his cheek. You can see everything is so shitty. You can do better than that in a high school musical.

Speaking of human cookbooks, I have a buddy who just had a kid and he told me him and his wife made placenta smoothies. And I'm sitting here going, what if you love them? What if you love the taste of your own kid? And one day you're with Billy at the park and you're just looking at him and you're like, you know, you start licking your lips like he sure did taste good.

And then cannibalism and you eat your own kid. I don't think it's actually eating your own kid. I think it's eating the nutrients that provide nourishment to the kid while it's in the womb. It's not, you're not eating the kid. The kid is separate from the placenta. It is? Yeah, the kid is an actual. Oh, I thought it was covered like, you know, when a gazelle drops its baby on the Kalahari and it like licks all that film off it. Isn't that placenta? Or is that just like a pasta sauce?

It's like carbonara. I think that is placenta, right? I mean, it probably must be. So isn't that what human kids have? Don't they have that like gazelle stuff? But it's not the kid itself. It's the nutrients that the kid was consuming while they were in the womb. I believe. Obviously, I'm not a doctor. Yeah, look at this. Is this one going to drop it? They eat that. Is she about to drop? Boy, how vulnerable are they when they're giving birth? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And half of those kids get snatched up immediately by a cat. Yeah. Some cats or wild dogs or something come run over and steal your baby, and that's it. You carry that thing around inside of you for months. You love it more than anything in life. Yeah.

They'll protect it. Yeah. Obviously, they have this insane connection with that baby, and then it gets snatched away by a cat. It literally doesn't get its first bleat out. Yeah. It lifts its head, and then, bong, it's gone. Well, that's one of the things that people have to be very aware about in North America. What? Bears. What bears are doing to deer and moose, the same thing. If you really love deer and moose and elk and stuff like that- I love them. Half of those animals-

Babies get eaten by bears. Yeah. They eat like half of the babies that come out. Half? Half. Yeah, like, you know, it's a good thing in a good ecosystem. To call the herd. Yeah, well, it's not even just to call the herd. It's just to, that's what they're there for. Like, it's a system. Yeah.

We look at it like it's this beautiful thing, because it is beautiful. You see these animals and the wild and nature, but what it is, it's a system. It's like a mathematical system. You have numbers, and the amount of predators is based on the amount of prey and the amount of babies they have and the amount of babies that survive. And animals that have less babies don't...

don't survive as well, animals that are bigger fight off the wolves better. It's like there's a whole system. A whole system, and it trickles down right to the vegetation and the ecosystem. You know this. Like, if they remove the wolves, then the elk and caribou herds expand, and they start eating all the growth on the riverbanks, causing erosion. The rivers flatten out. It just...

So you have to have those predators. So I'm glad they're eating half, and if they're listening, eat three quarters. If they were eating half, we would be overrun by deer and elk. You'd have a situation where you have like in New Zealand where they have to fly over the hills and just gun them down. Moose in New Zealand? New Zealand's a wild place. Yeah.

Literally, but it's beautiful. So beautiful. Elves. They got there in, I get the 1700s or something like that, maybe the 1800s. And these European settlers, these European explorers like this place is so beautiful, but it doesn't have any things for us to kill. Why don't we bring in a bunch of wild animals from Europe that we like to kill? And so they turned it into like a wild game safari park for hunting.

Jeezu. Yeah, so there's all these animals like stags and all these different kinds of deer, all these animals that are not supposed to be in New Zealand. Yeah. And they're everywhere. It's overwhelming. Like if you buy elk, like if you go to a restaurant and you buy elk tenderloin, most likely that elk is coming from New Zealand. No. Yeah. There's elk in New Zealand? A lot of elk in New Zealand. And they probably are allowed to consider stags.

If you want to feel great, have energy, and be healthy, it takes a lot. Not just working out and eating right, but a lot of different vitamins and minerals and probiotics. And the supplements industry does not make it easy, but AG1 does. And that's why I've been using it for years. AG1 is 14 years of research, innovation, testing, and improvement all

in one product with the goal of raising the standard in the supplement category. AG1 is a nutritional powerhouse that delivers my daily dose of vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics, and more. It's a powerful, healthy, research-backed supplement that has been a

a game changer for me. And when people ask me what's the one thing I'd recommend to elevate their health, my answer is always AG1. And I'm so glad they sponsored this show. Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3, K2, and 5 AG1 travel packs with your first purchase at drinkag1.com slash JRE. That's drinkag1.com slash JRE. Check it out.

This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. The world is a big place and it's filled with all different kinds of people. So you're bound to find exactly who you need for your business. But where do you start looking? ZipRecruiter.

Whether you need to hire a civil engineer in New York, a pediatric nurse in Nebraska, an attorney in Colorado, or even a mascot in Michigan, ZipRecruiter can help you find candidates with the right skills. And you can try it for free right now at ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. ZipRecruiter's smart technology works quickly to find top talent.

As soon as you post your job, it uses powerful matching technology to scan through resumes and identify qualified people for your role, whatever it is. From accountant to zoologist, ZipRecruiter makes hiring faster and easier. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free.

at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

Elk too. I don't think they... That's a good question. I don't know. They're so similar. They're such a similar animal. They probably taste exactly the same. The only thing... Elk have a cool sound, but stags have a really cool... Stags sound like a lion. You ever heard a stag roar? Yeah. It's really fucking cool. And when they mate, the male elks do that whistle. You know, that sounds like they're playing a piccolo. Listen to this. What a weird noise. Yeah. Yeah.

Look at his penis going up and down. Oh, yeah. They jizz all over themselves. Wow. I've seen elk do it where they just piss all over themselves while they're screaming. They're screaming. Elks are even cooler. Give me an elk bugle. Elk bugle, I think, is the coolest sound in the world. Oh, me? Bro, if you didn't know, if you were in the dark and you were in camping and you heard elk bugle and you didn't know what that was, you'd think, oh, my God, there's monsters out here. Yeah.

Yeah, there it is. Couldn't you imagine that being a monster? Yeah. It's sort of like an instrument. Imagine if it's dark out and you hear that. You're like, fuck! It's demons! Yeah, that's kind of haunting and scary. That's the greatest animal of all time. And then they go into the line. The big cats go into a flamin'.

You know this? Fleming? I ran into problems with girlfriends because of this. It's like when the female lions or the leopards, they get ripe, you know what I mean, ready to party. Yeah, let's go. The lions and the cheetahs, they do this thing where they smell the female scent and they do this thing where they curl their lip up. Yeah. And it's like a sexual thing. And for some reason, I don't know why, but I do that when I'm...

About to get into some lovemaking. You do a little bit of that? Do you, like, embody the lion? I don't know. I just have the thing. You feel it? And they never stick around. Yeah. Fleming response takes place when one lion of either sex sniffs or smells the urine of another. Chemicals and hormones contained in the urine elicit the Fleming response, usually after smelling the urine patch on the ground or vegetation. The cat is doing the smelling, will lift his or her head and hold their lips back.

♪♪

There's no poking in the eye. That's a wrap. It's a wrap. Look at that mouth. That is a wrap, a wrappity wrap. I had a moment when I was on safari in Africa where it's the only time in my life I started shaking. We were on a private Land Rover. We came up on two male lions that had just made a kill. We were literally probably, I'd say, 25 feet from them.

And one of them got up. And we're in the open Land Rover, right? With no protection, no windows. That is such bullshit. So we got the guy driving from our camp. And this thing, one of them got up, walked halfway to us, and just did that burning stare with its golden eyes. Oh, my God. And I was holding my hand. Because it was one of the few times in my life I felt like,

I was in death's door. Like, that lion could have been on me in two seconds, and it was terrifying but exhilarating at the same time. How do they know that the lions won't jump into the...

the cab and pull people out. They get acclimated to these kind of clunky things. Look, believe me, I know nature's unpredictable. How much trust do you have to have? Well, I said to our driver, he was parked in front of a stump. I said to him, I said, dude, I know you do this every day. Get away from the stump. We need to have an exit strategy. Yeah. And so he goes, oh, we'll be fine. I said, no, move from the stump.

Because nature, you don't know when nature's going to do that. Did you know that it was going to be an open air thing? Yeah, yeah. And you were cool with that? Yeah, it's beautiful. But I didn't know we were going to come up on two male lions that were in the middle of eating a wildebeest and be the only ones there and like 25 feet away. And one of them was going to shorten the distance by half. Ugh.

God. Was this before or after the lady from Game of Thrones who was the video editor? She's one of the video editors of Game of Thrones. She got pulled out of a car by a lion. Oh, she did? Yeah, she got killed. Well, there you go. There's your answer. Yeah, it can happen. I think it was a different situation, though. I don't think they were acclimated to the open-air ones because in this one, it was cars, and she rolled her window down to reach out to take a picture, and the cat just snatched her. Oh, idiot. Yeah.

It's like a toy. I mean, you're basically rolling a piece of yarn. If a cat sees a thing that he couldn't get, but now he can get it, their instinct is just to get it. Even if they never would do that, if the windows were rolled down from the beginning, the moment they see you peeking out, you're basically dangling. Oh, it's just a video of it? This is how it happened? Oh, God, that's so horrible, man.

Oh, my God. Look how big that thing is. Imagine that pulling you out of the fucking car. Oh, my God. So I was in Florida once. And I was doing a gig like on one side of Florida and had to cross over to the other side. Whoa. And in between... Were you walking? No, no, no.

And daddy had a, here's where it got clunky, right? I rented a convertible, right? Because it's Florida. So I had time to kill. So I looked on the thing. Halfway across, there's a lion safari where you can drive through, right? And you drove through in a convertible? No, so I pulled up and they said, sir, you can't go through with a convertible. But for 10 extra dollars, we'll rent you one of our little junkers.

And the junkers were painted like a zebra because it was a lion park. So they painted them with stripes. It was like a piece of crap that was just meant to go through the two-mile park and out.

So it's like a million degrees. It's Florida. It's Tuesday on that one in the afternoon. No one's there because I'm cutting across the country. This is like a weekend place. They put me in this zebra mobile. I'm all alone in this park. I get right in the middle of the lion thing. There's like 60 lions there.

The car conks out. 300 degrees, no AC because it's an old junker. And I just got 60 lines just going, zebra? And I'm just sitting there. No one's coming. Daddy's sitting there in the pride. How long did you have to sit there for? I sat there for about 15, 20 minutes until they came. And I got to crack the window because it's like a dog in a Walmart parking lot.

And it was, and I'm sitting there going, I'm a zebra. I'm sitting there, I'm a zebra. You could die of heat exposure in there. Or by getting mauled by a pride alliance. Does that mean they're gay if it's a pride alliance, by the way? No, pride isn't always gay. Okay, they look gay to me. Pride didn't used to be gay. It used to be like you were proud of something. One of them had their hair fluffed out. He looked pretty gay. It's actually in the Bible. Lions, they're gay? Pride. Pride. It's not good. Wait. What?

The same thing? Is it the same thing? I don't know. It's in the Bible. It's one of the sins. What, pride? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's one of the other six. So why would you make a thing that is like, I have American pride. I love America. I do have American pride. I'm a patriot. I think this is an amazing place. Yeah. So I have pride. So does that mean I'm gay or does it mean I'm sinning?

Hmm. Well, if it's just the verb you're just you know, I'm saying it's like what a flexible word if you're trying to learn American English like how we are just English and you spoke another language that was more logical you'd be like what the fuck? Why don't you have different words? Yeah, why do you have the same word that means such different things like the word rose? Isn't there like seven different meanings for the word rose?

Well, there's the flower. It rose up. Yeah. Rose of corn. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's just like. Right. I didn't think of rose of corn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, rose the boat. Yeah. Oh, my God. There's so many. Yeah. That's so stupid. Well, there's two there. There's R-O-S-E and R-O-W-S. Same sound. Same thing, yeah. Did you run out of sounds? Yeah, you could have called. Obviously, you didn't. They're making new pronoun sounds every day. Yeah. You could have called rose of corn, like.

Clonk of corn? Yeah, something that doesn't make me fucking confused. Especially if I'm learning the language, like I speak Portuguese or something. Like, hold on, my friend, this is the same word? Like, what the fuck are you saying? What a goofy... You need so much context to be able to figure out... I think English is supposed to be one of the most difficult languages to learn.

I think Russian's very hard, Chinese is very hard, Mandarin's very hard. Manatee? Is that what you said? Mandarin, like Chinese. Oh, God. Imagine, like, you can speak it, but you can't read it or write it, because that happens with a lot of Asian languages. Like, to learn Japanese...

It's like speaking Japanese is hard, but now you have to learn how to read it and write it. Like that's extra hard. I got a story for you about that a little later. Did you learn Japanese? Well, Vietnamese. Did you? I sort of had to. Were you in Nam? Possibly. I did two tours in Nam.

And I got to say, SunQuest bus lines. The best tours. Oh, God. Air-conditioned buses. It's another thing. Two tours. Yeah. Right? Tours. Yeah. Very different meaning if you're talking about going to Vietnam in 1967. Huge difference. Big difference. And I found out. Do you mind if I just dip into...

I brought a little something. I have to do it about every 20 minutes. I do apologize. What is it? I have to have an eating thing I have to do. Really? Well, if you don't mind. No, no, not at all. No. Thank you. Oh, God. What is your eating thing? I'm a little embarrassed, but... I have a tapeworm. For real? Yeah. Like, it's about almost four feet. Have you ever had one? You really do? Yeah. I never know with you, you know.

I don't know if I should feel bad or stop mocking you. Well, you can do whatever. I don't even want to bring it up. But I don't feel bad if it's true. You have a real tapeworm? I do. How'd you get it, do you think? I was in the Galapagos Islands recently. And they have a rodent over there called the Bermuda eel rat. And it's not a documented species. It's the local jargon. Everything evolves naturally.

In, as you know, through Darwin, everything evolved over in the Galapagos, the tortoises, everything. It's a unique place where evolution took place. And I guess this rat became a bit elongated, its spine. And so they call it the, came off of, originally off of Bermuda, like a transport ship or something. Right. And so they eat it over there.

And I ate the damn thing, and I got a parasite that led to a tapeworm. And she's about a four-footer. What do they do to get it out? Well, they have pills, but this is... I don't even know if I should talk about this, but I...

It was a little odd. I sort of got attached to the little fella. Oh, you like having it now? Well, you know, we hear all this talk about, you know, women and men, and men can have babies. They're telling men they can have children. So you got a little baby tape for them. Well, let's just say I have something living inside me, and I sort of like it. I sort of like sometimes I can feel it moving around. Sometimes I'll put a piece of cheese in the bed at night, and it'll come out, and I feel like I have a tail.

And so what I have to do is I have to eat. Celery. Well, what it does, it reacts to the vibration of sound, and celery's kind of got the best kind of crunch, and it kind of settles the guy down. Okay. I just need to take a couple of bites. Okay. Go ahead. Sure. Oh, if you're going to laugh. You have to do this about every 20 minutes. For the tapeworm. Yeah. Settles him down.

I think you're going to a bad doctor. I think you're getting bad advice. No, I just mean for me. For you. This is like a self-medicating. Yeah, I think they can get rid of those things, man. No, but what I'm saying, I've grown attached to Dimitri. I like little Dimitri. He's probably like, you know, I have a forced labor. But I like Dimitri. Yeah, but you can't keep a baby inside you forever. The whole idea is the baby gets born and then it goes out. Hold on, Dr. Spock.

These suckers can grow up to 30 feet long. Mine's a four-footer. Can they really get that big? How do they know how big yours is? Would they do an MRI or something? Well, we did an ultrasound. And they could see the tapeworm inside of you? They could see it. Do you have a picture of that? I don't have a picture handy. How do you not have a picture on your phone of that? Of my kid, of little Dimitri. Yeah. Seems like he'd be really sad if you didn't have a picture of him. I got to bring one in. When I come back next week, I'll bring one in.

Tapeworms or cestodes can range in length one meter up to 50 feet. 50 feet, dude. 15 meters. The length and width of the tapeworms can vary depending upon the species. Wow.

Pork, beef, fish, tapeworms can grow to be 15 to 30 feet. And Bermuda eel rats. Do they have that there? How'd that rat taste? You know, it's kind of good. They season it up with the Galapagos seasoning. It's kind of like blackened catfish, but it's like Galapagos seasoning. So you think all those people that live there probably have tapeworms? I don't know if they have it, but I sure got it. They have to have it. If you got it, that must mean everybody has it.

Unbelievable. There's places in the world, especially tropical places, where most people have some kind of parasite. It just becomes a part of your body. You now exist with that thing in you forever. Have you ever had a tapeworm? No, I have not. Do you want one? No, thanks.

What's the worst thing you've ever had? Like the worst weird ailment? Staff infection. No way. How many people on your staff? It was a small business. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Just one employee. What's a staff infection? It's an infection that you get on your skin. It's like a bacterial infection? Exactly. It's really common in jiu-jitsu.

And a lot of people get it and they don't recognize it. Ari actually had it. And Ari didn't know he had it until I pointed it out. And we got him to the hospital like right away. Ari and I were playing pool and he was limping. I'm like, why are you limping? And he goes, I got a spider bite. And I go, let me see it. And he pulls his pants up and his knee...

He has this swollen pimple on his knee and the pus at the end of it. I go, dude, you have a staph infection. I go, we got to get you to the hospital right now. He goes, are you serious? Is it lethal? Yeah. It's lethal. Yeah. People die. If it gets systemic, if staph infections get systemic, if your body becomes septic, you could die.

Yeah, people have died from staph. It happens all the time. Yeah, people get it in hospitals a lot, don't they? Yes, and unfortunately in hospitals they get something called MRSA, and MRSA is medication-resistant staph infection. Wow, a lot of black gospel singers get that, I hear. MRSA? Oh, that's mercy. I'm sorry. What were you saying, Jamie?

Didn't you say something? Oh, I thought I heard you. I thought you were going to talk about numbers of people dying of staph infections. Yeah, I thought I heard one too. How many people a year die from staph infections? I think it's a big number. Wow. I know quite a few people that have been deathly ill from staph infections and had to go to the hospital and get their legs cut open and get their legs drained. Yeah. Ew.

Yeah, it's a horrible, horrible thing to watch. Like, it eats holes in people. You've watched staph infection surgeries? No, no, no. I mean, I've seen them online. 2017, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reported that almost 20,000 people in the United States died from bloodstream infections caused by staph. That's 2017. It killed 20,000 people.

Yeah, so that's the worst thing I've had, for sure. How long did it last? Didn't last very long because I caught it. I got real lucky. I caught it quick. I was at an airport with my friend Tate, and I had these little pimples on my calf. And he goes, hey, what is that on your calf? I go, I don't know, something. And he goes, did I think that's staph? I go, really? He goes, yeah, you should get it looked at. So immediately I went to a dermatologist.

And he's like, yeah, it looks like staph. And he put me in antibiotics before they even got the results of the test back. He put you on it, not your cow? My cow. I thought you said your calf. Calf, like leg, part of your leg. That one, you really went out there with that one. That's the worst thing. Do you really have a tapeworm? I do. For real? Yes.

Please. What do they have you on? Ivermectin? What do they have you on? They just, you can't get it. All they do is kill it. It can live in your system, they told me, for your whole life. Right. Yeah. Have you ever seen bears? They have them like sticking out of their ass. Oh, yeah. Like a fucking hose, like a garden hose, just hang down. You ever seen the worms that come out of praying mantises? Oh, yeah. That's disgusting. They're like huge. Huge. They put a praying mantis in water.

And that bastard must not have been praying enough because it's got a tapeworm longer than Dolly Parton's ass hair. Not only that, those worms, those aquatic worms trick grasshoppers into drowning themselves. What are you doing, man? Don't do that. No, the pulp. I know, but don't just grab it and put it on the table. I know, but I felt like I was chewing cud. Well, I put it on the other celery. Okay.

I would never put cut on your table. This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. The world is a big place, and it's filled with all different kinds of people, so you're bound to find exactly who you need for your business. But where do you start looking? ZipRecruiter.

Whether you need to hire a civil engineer in New York, a pediatric nurse in Nebraska, an attorney in Colorado, or even a mascot in Michigan, ZipRecruiter can help you find candidates with the right skills. And you can try it for free right now at ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. ZipRecruiter's smart technology works quickly to find top talent. As soon as you post your job, it uses powerful technology.

matching technology to scan through resumes and identify qualified people for your role, whatever it is. From accountant to zoologist, ZipRecruiter makes hiring faster and easier. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free.

at this exclusive web address, ziprecruiter.com slash rogan. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash rogan. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. This episode is brought to you by Bowl and Branch Sheets.

There are millions of things you can do to optimize your performance, but none of it matters if you don't get a great night's sleep. If you want real recovery, upgrade to Boll & Branch sheets. They've got better sleep down to a formula. Boll & Branch's best-selling signature sheets use their highest quality 100% organic cotton,

with an insane softness and breathability so that you can fall asleep and actually stay asleep even on the hottest summer nights. Sleep better with the softest, naturally cooling bedding from Bowl & Branch. Go to bowlandbranch.com for 20% off your first sheet set plus free shipping. That's B-O-L-L-E-N-C-H.

O-L-L-A-N-D branch.com slash J-R-E for 20% off. Exclusions apply. See site for details. Well, I don't want Dimitri to get upset. You need to reach into your asshole and pull Dimitri out. Well... You need to, like...

You know, like with your shoulders down on the ground, ass up here, just get in there. Joseph. And give birth. Joseph, dial it down.

I'm not going to. Does he ever turtle on you? Yes. Does he? That's why I call him Dimitri. One night I put out a piece of feta cheese, the Greek stuff, and he went nuts, came out. Came out, huh? Have you ever seen a Burmese python? Yes. I had a lady friend over, and I guess little Dimitri got jealous, and I woke up, all I heard was, and I looked over. He was choked there.

Unbelievable. How are you laying? Spooning. Where's her face? Is it right where your ass is? Well, we spoon upside down. I'm like, the only thing that makes sense. She uses my nose like a bicycle rack. You have to come out. Yeah. It's not pretty, but he's my boy.

How long is it going to take to kill him? I don't want to kill him. This is why I'm... No, but for real, for real. How long is it going to take to kill it? Well, once you take those pills, you can kill it within about three days. And you're not taking the pills? No. I'm telling you, guy, I feel like I have a boy inside me. Wow, wait a minute. Like a child. Okay. Well, good luck with that. Thank you.

I want to see a photo of those bears. The bears that have it. It's so disgusting. It looks like enormous spaghetti just falling out of their ass. Have you ever been attacked by a bear? No. I'm here, right?

Well, look at that. There are survivors. Look at all that tapeworm coming out of his asshole. How crazy is that? Whoa, looks like he just got married. You should put tin cans on the end of those. He's just hoping someone steps on it so he can pull it out of his ass. Yeah. Looks like he was parachuting and he landed and he's dragging the parachute. I mean, how insane is that? Wow. I mean, their whole body is just a disgusting mess.

Yeah. Like when you eat bears. You eat bear? Yeah, I've eaten bear. Grizz, black bear, polar. Black bear. Black bear, not grizz? No, I've never had one of those. Why'd you eat black bear? Well, I hunted them. Yeah. Yeah, they have to. But I heard it's kind of a musky, kind of weird taste. No, it really depends on what they've been eating. But most, unfortunately, most of those bears are probably eating calves, moose calves and...

Fawns, deer fawns. They tasted good. Black bears are kind of like goats, though. They'll eat just about anything. They ate a lot. Do you know that in the early days, the pioneers used to eat bear and they'd use deer for skin? Say again? They would just use deer skins. They'd just use the hide from deer. They were eating bear. Oh, I see. They ate bear more than they ate anything else. Is that right? Yeah, isn't that crazy? Well, maybe there was a reason for that because the bear...

was a threat to them. So maybe it's like, let's kill the thing that could kill our cattle or kill our children, and let's eat that versus the docile. This is just a theory I just came up with. No, it's a good theory. That makes sense. You would definitely want to kill the thing that's killing your food. And if you could eat it too, all the better. And apparently they thought it tasted the most like beef, whereas like venison was different. Yeah, venison has its own taste. Yeah. So they ate a lot of bear.

Black bears are dangerous, but grizzlies are the one you got to be careful about. They're all dangerous, man. They're all bears. I don't know. Can I share something with you? Please do. I'm a blueberry nut. When blueberry season hits in early spring, I'm nuts about it. How's Demetri feel about that? Well, he likes celery. Don't give him berries. How dare you make fun of my boy, Joe.

Anyway, blueberries? So this was about seven years ago. I'm up on a hill in Banff out in Canada in the Rocky Mountains. Grizz, you know Grizz. And I'll use a line from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Remember Caracatus Potts? He was the father to Dick Van Dyke. And he used this line where he's singing. He goes, he's doing a song in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. And he does a line where he goes, and the bear came a-lolloping over the mountain.

And I'm sitting there picking blueberries. And this behemoth comes flying over the hill. So that was a grizzly bear. It was a grizz. And when they attack, they roll you. They roll and claw. And I've never done this, but... You're such a dork. What do you mean? Well... Is that a real fucking tattoo? Should I see that again?

Dude, this is not easy for me to talk about. The bear came a-lolloping over the mountain. That tattoo belongs to a mechanic in Idaho, and you need to give it back to him. So? Let me see it again. What the? Let me see it again. The bear came a-lolloping over the mountain. What the?

How dare you, sir. Is that the longest anyone's ever gone for a gag? That is, yeah, that's the furthest anyone's ever gone. You actually got it tattooed on your chest. Well, hang on, guy. I'm trying to tell you I got attacked by a grizz. You know what? Oh, my God. Probably the bear heard you chewing celery.

And you know what I did? I did a thing. I invented it called the jelly roll because I'm in the blueberries. The only way to evade the grizz, I roll down the hill. He's ripping my chest straight down the hill into a river.

Boom. Bouncing around like Moses with that tuberculosis teeth. You're making jelly as you roll through the blueberries. Yeah, I'm crushing the, yeah. And this bear was just befuddled, just stood there, looked like Forrest Gump with a Chinese dildo up his ass. Now, mountain lion, on the other hand, can I share something with you? Does this involve another tattoo? Well, no, the mountain lion. What the fuck is that? He. The scarf.

Did you glue those on? What the fuck is wrong with him? Mountain lion. Scrapes. He digs in with his claws. What is wrong with you? Can't a guy have adventure stories in nature? Yeah, that makeup artist, whoever did that, they're from the Twilight Zone. Same person. Same person who did that fucking alien's head. It fell off.

Hey, you're healing by the power of Jesus. Oh, God. You're healing. Yeah. But here's where I talked to you earlier about learning Mandarin. Here's the difference between the evolution of nature, mammals, critters, and human beings. Cut to about eight years ago. I'm on the Mackenzie River, and there's white water like you wouldn't believe.

Little Vietnamese boy, kid named Kimmy Long Wow. Freckles on his face. Unbelievable. Tips, okay? Bears, wild cats, they just scratch. The ingenuity, the intelligence of a human. I jump in, grab little Kimmy Long Wow. He starts scratching me. Can I show you something? Look at this. This kid scratched the shit out of me.

And even in a panicked state, I had to learn Mandarin. This is Twas the Night Before Christmas. Well, geez, man. Unbelievable. What was his name again? Little Kimmy Long Wow. He had freckles on his face. It looked like...

Dolly Parton serving apple cobbler if you joined them. He was Vietnamese? Vietnamese boy. Kimmy Long Wow. Why would a Vietnamese kid have freckles? That seems uncommon. That's what was so weird. That's how he stood out amongst all the other boys. He's like a child of an American GI. I don't know, but just unbelievable kid to see a little Vietnamese boy with freckles. You don't get that.

How many American, like that was always a thing. Like those Chuck Norris action movies, remember? Like Missing in Action? Yeah. It was always about guys that were still stuck over there and we had to go get them. Yeah. Everybody kind of forgot about that.

Are those the guys that inspired you, like Norris? Oh, yeah, definitely. Yeah, Bruce Lee. Like when you were a kid, did you sneak into the movies? I went to the movies. And it was on television, too, when I was a kid. The first Bruce Lee movie I ever saw was on television. Yeah. I couldn't believe it. I was like, look at that guy. That's insane. How's he doing that? But those missing in action movies was all about missing POWs. And that was always a thing, that the POWs from Vietnam got left behind.

Yeah. And like, you know, Chuck Norris is going to go back and get them and set them free. And how many POWs got left behind in Vietnam? Because that's a that's a fucking real thing, man. Not only was it a bullshit war, but people went over there and they left them there.

John McCain, remember him? The politician? Yeah, he was a prisoner for years. His shoulders were all fucked up. Yeah, he couldn't put his arms down. I remember I went on a roller coaster with him once, and at the end of it, I was like, guy, it's done. And he was still... That's how crazy Trump is. Trump made fun of him getting caught. Yeah. Yeah.

No, Trump said, well, I like guys that didn't get caught. What the fuck are you saying? Like you were going to run away? You would run away? Yeah. If you're his enemy, he doesn't give a fuck. He'll say anything. You're skewered.

You're skewered. Even if it doesn't make any sense, he'll say it. Like, what? Guys who don't get caught. What? Yeah. How can you fucking say that about a war hero? It's like, Jesus Christ. That's true. It's wild. Crazy, but he's my enemy. Fuck him. Yeah. No holes barred. Battle mode. How many American soldiers got left behind in Vietnam? I was trying to find that.

And this is, by the way, they're not going to tell you the real number, right? They're not? No, they didn't tell you why we're going into the war in the first place. I'm sure even the death count was probably disputed. Who knows? Have you ever romanticized being in combat like that, even though it's the death zone? Have you ever, like, because you're a hunter, you're skilled with the rifle. Have you ever sort of...

Imaginary, like immersed yourself into a Vietnamese battle scene? No. Nor could I imagine those guys who got conscripted. They got drafted. Right. So you didn't even want to do it. Maybe you just wanted to build cars. Maybe you wanted to be a painter. And all of a sudden you're over there with a rifle and you're in the dark in the jungle. But does the hunter side of you...

go in there and imagine like you could excel in that environment? No, the hunter is a totally different experience. The hunting side of me is like dipping my toe into the natural world.

Like getting my food the hard way. The hunter in me is going out and finding food and interacting with nature. But the elk are not my enemy. I love them. Right, but is there a thrill to the kill, though? There has to be a moment of sort of adrenaline and jubilation when you man conquers beast. Does that exist? The thrill is that you pulled off a difficult thing. It's very hard to do. And it's very hard to make a shot with a bow and arrow on an elk.

It's hard. And a lethal shot. And to be able to do it consistently. To do it every time you hunt, to be able to make a lethal shot. And I'm talking about it like 50 yards, 60 yards. Oh, wow. Do you strictly use bow and arrow? Yes. Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you had rifles, too. I shoot with rifles. Okay. I killed a pig last year with a rifle. Wow. What did the farmer say? It was a wild one. Oh, how big? They actually had to kill him. It was pretty big. 200 pounds. Texas? No, this was in California. Okay.

And so I ate him just the other day. Was she a sag? No, it was a boy. It was a boy pig. No, I said, was she sag? I know what you're saying. California. Is that a joke? An actor joke? Yeah. Yeah.

I gotcha. What was I saying, though? What was I on about? Well, you were talking about... Oh, the hunting versus war. War to me is insane. I don't know. War to me is like, I don't want to have nothing to do with that. Really? No. There's no little piece of you that you're in the dark jungle. That's someone's boy. That's someone's baby boy. I don't think of it even as a man.

There's someone's baby boy that I don't know. That guy has parents and they probably love him and he probably has a wife and she loves him and he probably has friends and they love him. I like it that you said that. And then some fucking politician is telling me that that guy's my enemy. I bet that guy and I... If we could speak...

the language we'd have a beer together and have a good time. What a great answer. He probably doesn't want to have anything to do with killing me, and I don't want to have anything to do with killing him. And we're both being suckered into this thing by a bunch of assholes who are just making money. I love that answer, Joe. If I could fly over this table and hug you, I would. We hug a lot. But it reminds me of a movie. Did you ever see this old movie with Lee Marvin? And I can't remember the other actor. He was a Japanese actor.

But this was a movie, I think, in the 60s, where they're both in the war. The Japanese pilot and Lee Marvin, they both crashed on a remote island. Supreme enemies. And they only had each other. And a box of sake somehow got stranded on the island. And they became the best friends in the world. And I think if everyone looked through that prism in life...

They would forget about all the war and the violence when you realize someone else is exactly like you. Exactly like you. And that you need someone else. And they have the same fears, desires, passions, and wants as you do.

It's such a beautiful movie. We're all the freaking same. Whenever you get into an altercation with someone, you feel disliked towards someone, you should always just picture yourself trapped on an island with that person and go, you know what? If I were alone with them, I would love them. They'd be my best friend. You'd figure it out. It's a mental thing. If everyone kind of adopted that mentality, I think things would be nice. Things could be a lot better. We're divided by so many things in this world.

We're divided by politics. You hear Robert De Niro screaming in front of people about Trump. Horrible. What are you doing? What is this? This is silly behavior. All this is so silly. Not only that, labeling them, calling them clowns and denigrating them, saying you're less than me because I like this and you like that. It's all insane. Do you remember there was a beautiful experiment done by...

Jane Elliott in the 1960s, where she took a classroom of children and she said, all the children with brown eyes, raise your hands and all the children with blue eyes, raise your hands. And she separated them.

And you can find it on YouTube. She told all the blue-eyed children that they were beautiful, they were smarter, they were more superior than the brown-eyed children. And she conducted this experiment for a week, and over the course of the days, the blue-eyed children started denigrating and looking down on the brown-eyed children and acting superior.

And then halfway through the experiment, Jane Elliott goes, oh, I made a mistake. It's the brown-eyed children that are more superior. And so the whole thing shifted. And all the children in that class got to feel what it was like

to be put down, to have racism towards them. It was a fascinating experiment. It's on YouTube. If you ever want to watch it, it's mesmerizing. It's an interesting experience. What the fuck, lady? You're playing tricks on kids? Well, I think she was trying to demonstrate... I get you're demonstrating, but you're also tricking these kids into thinking that way. Well, I think she was setting the table for them in life, saying, hey...

Maybe don't think you're better than anyone. We're all the same. And don't let people tell you you're better than everyone. And, and it was also a social experiment that was documented too. So there was a, would you let your kid do that? Do that kind of experiment? Yeah. If they didn't know, would you let them sign up for that? Yeah. And talk shit to the blue eyed kids.

You know what? I'd let my kid live through that. I would have told my kid a long time ago that that would be nonsense and that they wouldn't believe that. Right. I would teach my kid that. But it's one thing to tell a kid something and then to let something play out in the real world. It's a different thing.

Humans have a tendency to get caught up in the fever of things, you know? Like COVID. Like COVID. Yeah. Like politics. That was a good example of it. Politics. Like all of this stuff. Yeah, people... Anytime there's any sort of international conflict, Palestine and Israel, Ukraine and Russia. You have a sect of people that sort of know what's what, and then you have a large sect of people that just get caught up in the furor of it. And it's scary to see how quickly...

People are absorbed by it and caught up in it. It's frightening. Well, you ever been to a protest? No. Protests feel like a mob. It feels dangerous. When there's a bunch of people walk around, even if it's peaceful, and they're cheering, especially if they're cheering about something that happened that was violent, and they're angry, and they're demanding something, and they're all marching around.

It's like, ew. I think that ignites in human beings the same feelings of war. Yeah. Is my cough button still busted, Jamie, or did you swap that out? You okay? It's going to be a pain in the ass to swap it. We had a cough button. I don't think that's working. It's working there, yeah. Do you want to try? No. No, it's just phlegm. Well. I'm good to go. I don't need celery. Please, friend. No, thank you.

Why? I don't have any tapeworms and I don't enjoy celery. Can't you accept the gift? I like it with peanut butter. Do you have any peanut butter? This motherfucker might have peanut butter. How about a cauliflower? No, that's not the same thing. Well, it's got the same letters in it. It doesn't have all of them. It's missing the B. I thought you liked cauliflower. No. Well, now what am I going to do? Just put it down. Well. What were we just talking about before that?

Vietnam. Are you okay, guy? Yeah, I just got this phlegm thing. Maybe you've got phlegm-ing. Maybe. Whoa. Whoa. Ooh, I like that. Imagine what they can smell. You ever do that noise when you're making love? No. Why not? What the fuck are you doing? Dude, it's primal. Women love it. You should get up and leave. No, here's an experiment from me to you. I want you to try that. Next time you're making love...

Not to get into your purse. I respect your personal space, but doggy style right by her ear. Carl just started barking. Listen to Carl. Listen to Carl.

I've never seen Carl do that. Has Carl ever done that before? Wow. He's fired up. That is crazy. He really believes. If calling dogs was a thing, I'd have a really good career in dog calling. Let's hear your growl. Carl believes it. You gotta try that with your wife.

Oh, dude. Sorry, Carl. Poor Carl. Oh, God. He thinks he's walked into a wolf pack. Yeah, he's like, someone's going to eat me. This is bullshit. These guys have been pretending to be my friends. They've been letting me bite their fingers the whole time. They're setting me up. Dude, I'm telling you. Sorry, Carl. Try that with the wife. Okay. You got to try it. Sorry, Carl. Poor Carl. Poor little Carl. Poor Carl. He's like, what the fuck? That's a good, good noise.

Thank you. Where'd you acquire that skill? Because I learned it when I had a puppy. I would try to, I like to communicate to animals in their own language if you can. Right. You have dogs, right? Yeah, but I just talk to him. You don't do that? He hardly ever barks.

He very, very, very rarely barks. He'll bark if he has to go outside. Like if he has diarrhea, he'll bark. He'll get by the door and go, fuck, Chet, help me out. Or he'll bark if he sees something. You know what he used to bark? Carl's done, huh? Wow, he's terrified. He's terrified. Now he wants to bite us, man. He's a little gangster. You remember those...

inflatable snowmen that people would have on their front lawn around Christmas time. He barks at those. What? Your dog? Why? I don't know. He thinks it's a thing. He wants to tell me there's a big animal there. He's letting me know. He's like, Dad! What the fuck is that, Dad? Maybe he thinks it's a yeti, like one of those abominable snowmen. I bet he thinks it's a bear. I bet in a dog's mind there's a shape that has two arms that stands up big and you go, Bark! Bark!

Bark, bark. Yeah. And I have to go, dude, that is just, that's a snowman. Don't worry about it. I love it that your dog has a diarrhea bark. He has a, I got to go out now bark. But you said diarrhea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that one sound like? Same thing. Bark, bark. It's basically, hey! I got the rug. Hey!

Let's go to Taco Bell. I got a funny video that I'll send to Jamie, and then we can watch it because it was him last night. Because last night, he hadn't gone out in like four hours.

And there was thunderstorms outside. And when there's thunderstorms outside, he fucking freaks out. He freaks out. Like, I can't watch TV with him when there's thunderstorms. He just, like, when we watch TV together, we sit on the couch and we cuddle. And so I sit like this and he, like, puts his head, like, on my lap. What kind of dog is this? Golden Retriever. Oh, yeah. Perfect. The sweetest dog of all time. Yeah, perfect. But...

Sometimes, I don't even hear it because I'm watching the movie, but all of a sudden, he'll just... He starts spinning around. I'm like, dude, chill out. Then he just jumps off the couch, jumps back on the couch, kisses me off the couch, back on the couch. Last night, Jamie, I just sent this to you.

Last night, he had to pee. I'm like, I know you have to pee. It's like midnight. Come on, bro. Like, look at this. He kept jumping at me. He kept jumping at me. This is all just because of the lightning. Oh, wow. He's a giant pussy when it comes to lightning. Dude, please go pee. You haven't peed in four hours. Come on. I love you, too. Come on. Go potty.

He keeps jumping at me. All he does is just jump at me. You gotta pee. You gotta pee. I know. But normally he'd just go out and pee. 100%. He literally never does this. Wow. But he's wagging his tail. He loves it. I mean, he's excited, right? His tail's not between his legs, but he's just freaked out. Maybe he's got the diarrhea, but he's afraid to start so he doesn't get electrocuted. Ooh.

Yeah. Wow. Marshall, I know, but you got to pee, dude. Come on. Go potty. Marshall, please go potty.

He wouldn't pee. I had to bring him back in the house. He just would not pee. He just wanted to jump up and just freaked out. He wanted to make sure that I was okay. I'm with him. You're okay. He wants to be on top of you when the lightning's happening. Weird. Yeah. He's just like, are we okay? I'm like, we're okay. As long as I'm okay, he thinks it's okay. He's like, we got to get the fuck out of here. His instincts are like, we're not supposed to be out in the open. This is dangerous. Wait, how old is he? Seven.

Oh, so you'd think by now he'd sort of have it figured out the way animals do. Well, the thing is, when he was young, until he was, I guess, three-ish, we moved here four years ago, and he never really saw lightning. Like, very rarely do you see lightning in California. Yeah, you're right. Or here at Thunder. Yeah, you're right.

You rarely hear thunder. Very rarely do you have those kind of crazy storms they have out here. The storms they have out here are fucking wild. Some guy posted a video yesterday, Jamie, on Instagram of his car getting destroyed by hail in Texas. Like some...

insane like four inch hail chunks you see his windshield shattering his back windshield windshield got blown out while he's driving he's like this is insane he's watching his car just get destroyed just wow it's rocks just rocks dropping out of the sky yeah

Sometimes I think they actually puncture right through the roof, like through the metal. Oh, yeah. You got to think of how far. If you got a four-inch chunk of ice that's hurling from space, like it's basically in the clouds. Look at that. Oh, wow. What the fuck, dude? That looks like JF Kennedy's car. He had a convertible.

Oh, yeah. It broke windows. Wow. Yeah. Fucks these cars up, man. Whoa, he's fingering it. I wonder how many people get killed by hail every year. There's a good question. Looks like they got hit by assholes. What kills more, staff or hail? I don't know, but I know they say about...

I think they say 12 to 30 people a year, this is for real, get killed by a falling coconut. 150. Well, where I come from. 150 people a year. 150 now. Yeah. So it's gone up. We were talking about things that kill people, but they inflate numbers. Like marijuana kills zero. Coconuts. Falling on people. People say it's killed 150 people. We're not outlawing coconuts. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Can you imagine getting killed by a coconut? It would suck. What a way to go. It's not good. It's not a good way to go. Especially if you're like an accomplished person. Yeah. Everything's going great. Like if Steve Jobs had gotten killed by a coconut or his little brother. Imagine Elon Musk is killed by a coconut. Yeah. No one would believe it. Like the fucking CIA made that coconut. Yeah. Yeah. What, Jamie? Wild dangerous, according to the NOAA. Yeah.

Since 2000, only four people have been killed by hail. Wow. Oh, wow. How many people get killed every year by lightning? Let's guess. Okay. 60. I'll say... I don't know why I said 60. 200. 200. Worldwide? Globally. Globally. Yeah, you're probably right. 20 in the U.S. 20 in the U.S., wow. Every year. So what is it globally? Got to figure the Chinese are getting picked off by... Because they got billions, right? Right.

The odds are. And they have skyscrapers. I wonder if Kimmy Long Wild is going to get it. 24,000. Wow. 24,000 a year? Yeah. Killed by lightning? Wow. We were both way off. Wow. Whoa. It was a lot less than I thought would be in America. Yeah. 60 is what I thought in America. Have you ever been hit by lightning? No, but my friend Remy has.

Remy, did he live? Yeah, he lived. He was here on the podcast a couple days ago. Oh, shit. He got hit by lightning, I think, when he was in high school. Wow. I think it made him deaf for a little bit. It really fucked him up. Wow. Yeah, he didn't realize what happened. He just woke up on the ground, and they had to piece it together that he got hit by lightning. Yeah, electronic charge going through the air. Unbelievable. Have you seen what's going on right now in...

Where is it where there's these ins is it Uruguay? Where is it where there's insane? Lightning storms that are coming out of that volcano. I

Oh, yeah. I saw that. It's a different kind of lightning. So it's the particles, the charged particles that are being released by the lava ignites with the air somehow. We'll get to that. Yeah, in the smoke, too. So it's a different kind of lightning. The steam, the particles get caught in the steam, the translucent. And it makes these insane lightning shows. Like, look at this. Yeah. Indonesia. Indonesia.

But it's been going on like a lot lately, like even during the day. There's a lot of films on TikTok and Instagram and stuff about it.

Bro, that is so bonkers. That means if you were alive 5,000 years ago and you saw that, you're like, oh, Satan. That's where Satan lives. Satan's back. Fuck. He's back. Dude, I got news, everybody. We're fucked, man. Satan's back. Look. Look at the mountain. Satan landed on the top of the mountain. He's there with lightning and shit. It's a summer home. If you saw this, you'd be like, okay, that's where Satan is.

100% you would think that. That's where Thor is. That's where the God of Thunder is. That's where Beelzebub lives. Look at that. You would 100% Sauron lives up there. That's the eye of Sauron. People don't know that lightning comes up out of the ground, too. Did you know that, Joe? Does it really? Yeah, lightning comes. People just think all lightning comes from, and I'm not talking a volcano.

I'm talking regular time. So you could get it right up your ass if you're in the wrong spot? You could get a bolt up your arse. But for real. Can that happen? Can you imagine? You get just your nuts blasted by liking. Poor Dimitri. How bad would that suck?

Just be walking along in the field going, wow, what a beautiful night. Bang. From the ground. Yeah, it's true. Right to your sack. Yeah. Do you have any pictures of that? Out to your head. Three balls out to your head. Yeah. Just cooked. Cooked. Cooked. Never be the same again. Cooked.

What's that noise you do at the end there? That's the nuts. You've got to think. The electricity is going through the ground, in your nuts, and out the top of your head. Just imagine your whole body captured by this lightning. It would be like stepping on a landmine, but you didn't blow up. Look at that. Right up out of the ground. Lightning trailing from ground to clouds in slow motion. Isn't that wild? Wild.

That's insane. It's like an Etch-A-Sketch. People don't really know these things, and that's why it's important you have me on the show twice a month type of deal. I'm really glad you're here for this. Look how cool that looks in slow motion. That's what's really happening. Fuck, that's amazing. Look at that, right out of the ground. That's as big as any lightning strike you'll see coming out of the sky. God damn, that's amazing. Yeah.

That looks a lot like Dimitri, I got to say. All the little branches. And this is all in slow motion. Look how quick those little branches flicker off in the corners and the sides. That looks a lot like Dimitri's ultrasound, by the way. I bet. Yeah. Wow. Just so we're clear. Lightning is fucking cool. Yeah. That's one of the interesting things about living here is we have these lightning storms. You get to watch lightning. Yeah.

Yeah. Florida. I think it's one of the most lightning active places on the planet. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Florida. Florida's like, this is hurricane season there.

Yeah. Like, if you're planning a trip to Florida now, like, hey, you know, you got to check that weather. Yeah. But it can be stunningly beautiful, though. I've been in scenarios where I've been in Florida at night, and you got celery juice on me, and you look out, like, two, three miles out, and there will be active storms going on in the cumulus, right? The degenerative molecular...

charged, uh, transfixation particles are lighting, are lighting up the clouds. And it's like you're at a, you're at a Judas priest concert covered in mayonnaise. You got another thing. Yeah. And it's like all over. Do you believe in the matrix? I don't disbelieve in it. Because if you ever want to have it, I've got this, uh, chemically reversed, uh, inverse magnet, magnetron camera, uh,

And one of the things we associate with the matrix is what? The numbers coming down in green. So if you can take a picture, think of it. Where does that exist in reality? But if you can go out on a stormy night like that, rain coming down with your magnetized nitronic reverse camera and take a picture while lightning's flashing, think of it. What are raindrops?

Water. Right. But not when you take them with an infrared matronic camera. What are they then? You'll see. Numbers in the raindrops? You can see it. Yeah. Interesting. If you believe in that stuff. Well, a person's got to believe in something. Do you believe in it? What? The matrix. I don't disbelieve in it. You know, I can tell you that you've experienced it in real time. How can you do that? A little term, Joe Rogan, called deja vu. Hmm.

Have you ever experienced deja vu? Yes. So think of it. How can you be in a place that you've never been before, you're standing somewhere foreign, somewhere new, and all of a sudden your brain computes that you've been in this exact moment and it's undeniable?

Right? How is that happening? Well, it's not really undeniable. Well, it is undeniable because you're in it, right? But it's probably a glitch in how you interface with reality. Therefore, a glitch in the matrix. Well, it's probably how your brain's firing. Your brain has just like...

Brain is essentially just like a computer in a way like there's a lot of calculations are going on simultaneously a lot of sensors are being considered different senses are affecting the way you view the world and I think it's very possible that you can have a situation where things just get a little wonky for a second and you think have I done this before have I done it before but how or yeah or you have done it before and Every time you do this you try to do it better and

And you live the same life over and over and over again until you get it right. A lot of people believe that. That's a good theory. It plays into what I'm going for here. Yeah. I had a moment in time where I had deja vu. I'm not going to say where and when because I don't want anyone to interfere with it. But I've never told anyone this before. I had a place in time where I was walking. I was going under a bridge, a...

pigeon flew out okay a child was laughing in the background you know like a child like he you know like a giggle a playground giggle and a red car went by and i was like i've been here before a place i'd never been so i documented the experience the time the place and i've gone back to that same place for nine years to the exact same place at the same time check this out

Red car goes by, bird flies out, pigeon, kid laughing in the background. But this year, something different happened that I'd never seen. A feather fell off of the bird when it flew out. So check this out. You saved the feather. Don't get ahead of me. Well, the matrix must be real. Well, hold on. I got this examined. I have a lot of friends in the science community.

I know a bunch of Scientologists, and I had them analyze this. Pigeon flew out. Here. I'm good. This is a feather from a great auk. Do you know what that is? It's an extinct species of bird from South America. Please. That's okay. Just put it down. Well, I think you'd like to touch it. No, I'm good. So how does an extinct species of bird drop a feather from a common pigeon?

Who knows, man? That's it? That's the animal? That's the auk. Looks like that animal didn't really have feathers. It did, believe me, and I'm holding one right here. What extinct? 350 years ago? Is that what it was? Matrix. Oh, from healthy to extinct in 350 years. They probably taste delicious. They're probably stupid, and they taste delicious. That's what happens. Whoa, whoa. The great auk.

Little cutie. Can that thing even fly? No. Sounds like a bullshit story. How's that feather get there? Well, this is what I'm saying. This thing lives near the ocean. The Matrix. You just found a feather that maybe someone dropped. It floated off of the pigeon for nine years. Maybe not. Maybe it just was near where the pigeon was and it was flying through the air because someone had an awk.

like taxidermy in their apartment building and that feather just kept drifting away and just coincidentally as the pigeon was passing that feather was making its way oh my god look what fell off the pigeon an ancient extinct auk feather but meanwhile it was just someone it was in an apartment building with taxidermy of the auk and they had the window open the fan on touche you never know

Could be magic, though. I like what I'm hearing. Do you think this is the matrix? If this is a simulation, what does it say about your choice of how you've chosen to exist in the simulation? I don't know that we have a choice. You don't think so? Well, the matrix is numbers. It's mathematical. So do we really have a choice? Did we have a choice that we were conceived? Did we have a choice that our- We don't think we did. Right? But maybe we do. Or maybe it's inevitable. Right.

You know, maybe there's just this mathematical cycle of atoms and protons and molecules interacting with each other. Yeah. And just this is the way it's always going to go. It's going to go this way, the same way, over and over and over again. And the only thing different is that you get to learn from your past mistakes at least some way in the essence of your being and do a better job of existing this next go around. Mm-hmm.

I don't know that we have to do a better job. I don't think we have a choice. I think evolution just takes us. We're just hanging on to bear's tapeworms at this point, you know? Yeah, but if you live the same life over and over and over again, you're going to go through the same nature interaction over and over again. It's not going to be like a differently evolved world. You're going to live the same thing over and over again. If you thought about it, like you and I, how old are you? Well...

I'm 56. How old are you? 61. Are you really? Yeah. For real? Yeah. You look really good. Thank you. You do. You look really good. Except the scars. You're a little beat up. Well, I've been rolled by a grizz. We have gone through one of the weirdest lives. You know, and if the simulation is real, and if you wanted, if the simulation wanted you to go through the most profound changes that human beings have ever experienced...

in the time of their life, just in how people interface with the world. You and I have done that. We exist. We were born in a time where there was no internet.

And you got your news from television and everybody had a sort of a limited understanding of the world. You could bullshit your way through most things because nobody could Google you. Nobody could get a book on you. You couldn't just run to the library and find out if Mike was telling the truth about his war stories. You had to just believe people. You had to micro-fiche things. Everything was possible. The world was a different place.

Then there's answering machines and cell phones, and then the internet comes along, and now we're living in a fucking insane world where AI is about to take over. If you were going to pick a timeline to go through if it wasn't real, and you wanted the most profound adventure, you've chosen that. You've chosen the most profound changes that people will experience in...

A relatively safe timeline. Relatively safe in comparison to the Genghis Khan days or the days of the Roman Empire. Just relatively safe in comparison. But profound changes for this moment. And we're accelerating so rapidly, Joe, that...

Things are going to be at a whole other level quickly where we're going to be looking in the rearview mirror and going, oh yeah, AI. Remember that? There's going to be something that takes us to the next level quickly.

And then another level after that. We are going to transcend so far that I don't even know what humans and humanity looks like in a thousand years, if not less. I don't think it's even 50 years. Yeah. That's what's crazy. You and I are living through the weirdest time ever. Yeah, because it started like we kind of had...

In high school for us, it was the Texas instrument calculator was the mind blower. Then we got a fax machine like 15 years later. Insane. And then we got the home computer and then the internet. And that was, again, like a decade in between. Yeah.

And cut to smartphones, and it's been about, what, 15 years with them now. Yeah. And now AI, and it's just like, everything's happening exponentially quicker. I remember I was on news radio with Dave Foley in the 90s. Dave Foley, he's a big...

you know, computer internet technology. He is. Nut. He loves that stuff. Yeah. And at the time, he was the first person I ever met who had a laptop. Okay. So he had a laptop back then. It was one of those Mac laptops, you know, black plastic ones back in the day. Oh, yeah. Delicious. And he had this app running in the background where it gave him constant news. He's like, look, if I keep it connected to the internet, it constantly gives me news. Yeah. And I was like,

Whoa, you get your news from the internet? This is crazy. So it's like all the news stories of world events...

And so when I look back now at how we're just inundated, like constantly inundated with like world conflict stories, world events, world problems, world environmental crises, world starvation, world floods, like world volcanoes with lightning. Like, oh, it's good. You never fucking. I remember that moment, that very moment where I was looking at Dave's laptop and I was like, wow.

The internet is just going to feed you the news in real time. You don't have to tune into the news. You don't have to go buy a newspaper. This was like this profound moment for me where I still look back at that day and I go, that was the first time I ever saw a baby. A baby supercomputer. Oh, look, it's a little baby. The news. And ironically, you're on a show called News Radio. Crazy. Very ironically. Very ironically. Yeah. Yeah, I'm excited to see where...

where it goes because i i think the next the next evolution of this could be tractor beams it could be particle movers it could be you know as ridiculous as it sounds the transporter beam on star trek i feel like you know maybe 50 years maybe 100 years people are going to look back and go wait you went to a place called an airport you got on a tube and flew 18 hours to australia like

Like, I think we're going to be at a place one day where maybe they can rearrange our molecules and particles and beam us. I feel like if we can imagine it, it's going to happen. Yeah, I bet it's going to happen.

I mean, isn't it funny that Star Trek figured that out, but they didn't figure out computers? And they didn't figure out cell phones. They had walkie-talkies. Remember? Well, they had the communicators. Yeah, but it was a walkie-talkie. Spock, I've got diarrhea. Send me some Pepto-Bismol immediately.

But it wasn't, you couldn't both talk. Like if you and I were on a phone call together, what's up Harlan? Hey, what's up dude? It's like, hey Harlan, how are you? Over. Yeah, and there was no video component. Idiots. Those idiots didn't even have FaceTime. Dumb. They gotta get back to the future. They didn't have nothing. Dumbasses.

Yeah. Remember that thing? Yeah, it had a twirly thing. Look at that stupid piece of shit. It had an acid trip like kaleidoscope. And who knows what those buttons are even for? They're not even labeled. What if I find that thing on the beach? I don't know what to do with it. I think it's an electric razor, if you ask me. I think it's straight bullshit. Yeah, I think it's a garage door opener. I like how it had to flip closed, though. I used to love that about old phones, when you could hang up like that. Oh, I love that. Snap. Shut the fuck up. Fuck you. Psh.

Yeah, like those Razor phones. Shut the garage door. I remember I had one of those Razor phones. I thought I was James Bond. Yeah, you could express yourself with them. But the Razor phone was the shit. Yeah, what did that one do? It was just this thin little beautiful piece of

It had a terrible battery life, unfortunately. Because most phones had insane battery life back then. Your phone would last for days. Right. Because the phones now, they just have so much electronics and this beautiful screen and high resolution. It's doing things. You're playing games on it. You're taking pictures. Your battery, but still, your battery's good for a day. That was the shit. I had one of those. I thought I was in space.

Well, I also like the little side saddle. Did you have the holster on your belt? I tried that. I couldn't do it. I felt like such a dork. Oh, I loved it. And this is coming from a guy who wears a fanny pack. Yeah, right. I couldn't. And you like to play with guns. You have guns. I don't play with guns, sir. Well, hunt, hunt. But this phone right here for me was the fucking shit. I could never imagine seeing somebody with one of those today. Okay.

I would be like, what are you doing with that thing? But aren't they bringing them back? They have a different one. But the new one is like a new phone. It's like a modern phone. The new one folds. Yeah, look at that. But it has apps. It's essentially a regular phone. Yeah. But it does close, and it's real slim. Like, look, it looks pretty similar. I think you might have to get one. Would you do it?

I thought about switching to Android just because I don't like being trapped in the Apple ecosystem. I don't like the idea of it. But Google does a lot of really shady stuff with different things they do that I don't like. And one of the things they do is, like if you look at, what was their most recent declaration? They were talking about censoring things in a time of social problems. Remember that, Jamie? Yeah.

They reserve the right to censor information under certain circumstances. It had something to do with Google Ads, yeah. There's things that I don't like in terms of search results, curation, because that's the thing that Google does that Robert Epstein has been working on for a long time, like showing that when you, like say if you Google a presidential candidate, right? If you Google a candidate that's Democrat, you'll get...

you know, especially someone who they want to win, you'll get like a lot of positive stories that come up first and you have to go deep if you want to find something about corruption or accusations or anything like that. But if you do Google Republican, it'll go right to that. Now, I'm not saying this is just an example. I'm not saying you could find that.

But his research shows this and I'm doing a bad job of paraphrasing it because I don't remember exactly what it said But essentially his claim was that in curating search results you can have an impact on elections in curating search results and putting positive things for the people that you want to be elected in the prominence of the search result if it's not an organic search result and

If you actually are curating it, you can affect the way people feel about candidate and that will affect the election results. Okay. And so that's an issue. That's Google. Yeah. Yeah. So I have an issue with that. And Google is Android. I agree. I hate that. But I also have an issue with the Apple walled garden. And I think there's a lawsuit going on right now about that, where they're trying to get people to, you know, because of iMessage and, you know, FaceTime and all that stuff doesn't work on other phones. Oh,

Oh, right, right, right. FaceTime does sort of, but you have to take a few steps, and that's a new thing. A new thing is like if you FaceTime someone on an Android phone, they have to take a few steps to do it. Okay. I wonder how that works. I've never tried that. Have you ever tried that? I haven't tried it. Let's try it right now. Okay. I'm going to FaceTime Brian Simpson. Okay. FaceTime Brian Simpson. I'm going to FaceTime OJ Simpson. Yeah, it gives you like a link to send him or something, right? Okay. Is he still alive? Look at that. It said, I haven't seen OJ Simpson. Okay.

Wait. Yeah, it's answering questions. What the F? It thought we were really asking about OJ Simpson. Maybe I should reach out to him. It didn't give me a link to send. Where's the link? I think it's up on the top, like where the other buttons are. No. Hold on a second. It didn't work. So I have to... How do I do it if I want to send him a text? FaceTime Brian Simpson. FaceTime OJ Simpson. Okay. Send. What the fuck, you piece of shit? Oh, wow.

Went right to Hertz Rent-A-Car. Hold on. Be quiet for a second. Well. Shut the fuck up. Well. FaceTime Brian Simpson. Okay. All right. It said join my FaceTime. All right. I sent it to him. And let's see if it works. So let's see what he has to do. Who's Brian Simpson? He's a hilarious stand-up comedian that is performing tonight at the Comedy Mothership. Oh, awesome. And he just released a special on Netflix that's amazing that he filmed at the Mothership. So it says invite sent. Okay.

Maybe I should call him and tell him what's going on. Who, Brian? Yeah. Okay, this is just holding me up here. It's not done. Hold on. Call Brian Simpson. All right, here we go.

Hello. Hey, brother. It's Joe. I'm on a podcast right now. You're live on the podcast with Harlan Williams. We were talking about how Apple keeps people from being able to use certain features like iMessage and FaceTime. And I was saying that you can FaceTime someone that has an Android phone, but there's a bunch of steps they have to take. I don't know how to do it. So we're trying to figure out how to do it. I'm going to FaceTime you right now, okay? All right. I'll FaceTime you in like two seconds. Cool. FaceTime Brian Simpson. All right.

I sent him, join my FaceTime. Let's see how that works. So here it goes. We'll see how this feature works. Now, and I know all you Android dorks, I know that there's other shit that you could use to do this, like WhatsApp. And I guess you could use Instagram, right? Don't people use Instagram for video calls? Yep.

This is not so fluid. Now, if I wanted to FaceTime you, because you're a little Apple fanboy over there, you're a little bootlicker. Hell yeah, I am. I could just FaceTime you and it would work instantly. See, he's got this invite.

Yeah. This takes so long. It ruins the spontaneity about a fun FaceTime call. A fun FaceTime call, you're at a concert, dude, what's up? Look where we are. And ironically, his initials are BS because this is BS. This is bullshit. Yeah. This is like straight bullshit. Would you ever shoot your cell phone? I've shot a bunch of them. Like with a full high-powered rifle? Yeah, we used to take them out to the range and shoot hard drives and cell phones. No. It's a good way to get rid of stuff.

Boom. 300 wind mag at 100 yards. Ooh, it's amazing what it does to a cell phone. Ooh. Yeah. Do you line it up in a scope? Of course. Yeah, I can't see that far. Wait, how far? 100 yards. Yeah. There's a video of it, I think. Didn't Red Band have a video? Yeah, we made a video. Yeah. Have you ever shot a machine gun? Yes. And?

Alation? It's kind of interesting. It's scary. It says, I'm waiting to be let in. This piece of shit. Yeah, forget it. I'm going to tell him, forget it. Yeah. Wait a minute. What is it doing here? It says, join. Is it working? Waiting for others. No, this is horseshit. It doesn't work. I'm telling him, forget it, bro. Bitch.

See, but this is the thing that people are complaining about. Yeah. That it forces people to think you're a fool for having an Android phone. So you just go out and get an iPhone, and iPhones have dominated the market because of that. Yeah. So, like, I think the numbers are with young kids, the numbers is like, it's something like 80-something percent of kids have iPhones. Yeah.

So the kids that don't have iPhones, they get left out of iMessage group chats. They get talked shit to. Oh, what are you, poor? You got an Android phone? Yeah, it's a class thing. It's a class thing. It's weird. It's a weird thing. I don't like it. What do you think the evolution of cell phones are? Do you think it's like Neuralink where we're just like, you know, we're thinking? Yeah.

Our communicative thoughts or what's your thought on that? Yeah, 100%. Really? Yeah, that or a wearable. Maybe something that like you wear and it touches your temples. Right, because the concept that we're – this goes back to what I was saying about flight. Like, wait, you guys carried these boxes around? Yeah.

Held them to your head? Yeah. Well, I mean, just this alone was magic 100 years ago. If you brought this 100 years back, people would think you're the craziest wizard. Oh, yeah. I have the answers to all questions. Yeah. And they would say, oh, my God, people in 2024 must be so smart. And then he comes 2024 to like a MAGA convention. Yeah. You see Robert De Niro getting yelled at. He's doing a fucking press conference. He'll never leave. Yeah. Like, what a...

What was the point of that? I don't know, but this is people in 2024. Whereas if you gave this to people in 1924, they'd be like, there's no way. Everyone will have the world solved. Once they have these, oh my God, then they have all the information. And then people will know exactly what everybody looks like. There'll be no more catfishing. Still chaos.

And now, like, there's filters that you could use where I, from just a small snippet of your conversation on this podcast, I think they need about 30 seconds, 30 seconds of your voice, and then I could

could pretend to be you like just talk like this and the audience would see you with what you're wearing the way your hair is everything in your voice so everything that I say like me saying this right now it would be you saying this right now your voice your face your body everything looks like you all through AI

Whoa. So there's no fucking way to know what anybody is saying that's not true. And then there's a big issue right now with celebrities, especially women. They're making porns with them. Oh, they're... They just change... Superimposing like a celebrity's face onto a... They just face swap with AI. So this porn star is having sex with this person. You face swap Natalie Portman or fucking...

Angelina Jolie, and now you have a real, realistic-looking sex tape of famous people getting fucked. So I could see Judge Judy plowing the pizza boy? Judge Judy, just sucking cock like it's going out of style. Wow. It's a closing sale. Wow. Imagine Judy Dent in a Pool Boy video. Who's that? Who's Judy Dent? Remember from the British actress? I do not. Em from what?

What's her name? Judi Dench. Bench? Dench. Oh, there she is. Imagine her in a pool boy. Oh, she was hot when she was young. No, I mean now. But look at her when she was young. She's so pretty. Imagine her rubbing chlorine all over a pool boy. Time is a ruthless bitch, isn't it? She puts the net over his head. I'm trying not to imagine. I'm trying to power through this. She's 89 years old. Give the woman her due. Give her her respect, son of a bitch. How about I give her a check for cleaning the pool?

Getting stuck in the dryer. Whoa. I can't. Help me. I can't get out. Stuck in the dryer is my favorite. You've seen that? The stuck in the dryer porns are my favorite because it's so ridiculous. You can get out of the dryer like anyone can. I love it when they pull their head out and there's a cling-free sheet on their head.

They got a mouthful of lint. Looks like they've been blowing an elf. I can't believe I'm stuck in here. Thank you for saving me. You know what? I tried the dryer sex once, and I accidentally, I was so impassioned, I hit the tumble cycle. Oh, wow. And so imagine being in your woman, and she starts swirling around, and you're like,

And you're holding on like a horse, a rodeo horse. It was some of the best sex I've ever had. Did you stay still while she spun? She spun. I just held on to her muffin top. And we swirled around like... Did you get any concussions? She did. Yeah. Holy God. A lot of banging around in there. Oh, her head came out. She looked like this cauliflower. But I had one of the best orgasms I've ever had in my life. That's a one-time deal, right? Not really. It's hard to trick her into doing that again. Well...

Some women like adventure. Yeah. What's the weirdest place you've ever done it? Your house. That was you? Wow. I thought I heard that dog growling under the bed. Yeah, I was doing it under the bed while you were on top of the bed to sleep. Okay, pre-marriage, because I don't want to get you in trouble. Where was the wildest place? We were only 15, remember? Yeah, where'd you do it? Wildest place. I guess in the woods.

When we were kids, there was nowhere to go. So you'd go in the woods. One time we got eaten up by mosquitoes, like our whole body. Yeah. Both of our bodies just covered in mosquitoes. Yeah. Because we're so retarded. We got naked in the woods. Yeah. In July in Massachusetts. Wow. Yeah, but you're fucking 17. You don't know what the hell you're doing. You're crazy. Yeah. Wild kids. A lot in the woods? Yeah, well, there was always...

woods were always there. Yeah. It was a place when you were kids, you could just go to the woods. Yeah. Just bring a towel or a blanket or something. Did you love it? Yeah. But the woods are scary because anything in the woods is scary. It,

Things in the woods become scary even if they're not scary anywhere else. Like a baby, a naked baby in the woods just staring at you. It's fucking terrifying. There's no other place where a naked baby is scary. If you're walking down the street, you see a naked baby like, oh my God, whose baby is this? Does anybody know whose baby is this? Hey, little guy, hold on. And then you call the police, you pick up the baby. In the woods, you're like, we're going to die!

It's a fucking naked baby just staring at us. If it's hanging upside down from a red pine staring at you, that's pretty creepy. Yeah, holding on by its feet. Yeah. Like a bat. Yeah. If you saw a baby in the woods just staring at you, you'd be fucking terrified. Yeah. Creepy. Any other place. So the woods are automatically scary. Yeah. And you're scared that you're going to get caught. So that's exciting. Yeah. Okay.

We're not going to get caught. Don't worry. We're going to go deep in the woods. What about in the city, though? You ever do it in a crazy place in the city? No, not really. You? Sewers? You ever go in the sewer? You ever go in a manhole? Had a little fun on a Ferris wheel once. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. We worried you were going to be at the bottom and wouldn't be able to stop. Well, that was cool. We would time it so that when we came down, it was like hands off, and then we'd swirl. So it was kind of this really fun sort of start and stop thing. And then one time, I'm not kidding, the guy sort of recognized me.

And we were having – the guy here, the carny who ran it, like when I got on, he's like, oh, dude, I love you, right? And so we were having so much fun, but we weren't finished. And so he was letting everyone off. I said, just leave us on. Just please. He goes, okay, I got you. And we just like finished swirling. Yeah. Congratulations. Did you ever do it in the swirling teacups at Disneyland? No.

Imagine if you did. How? Boy, imagine throwing up right when you come. I'd probably feel amazing.

Because even though throwing up sucks, it feels amazing when you have to throw up and you finally do. It's purging. You know that feeling? Last time I threw up was about a year ago, and it was in the middle of the night. I got up and I was like, I feel like I'm going to fucking puke. I didn't feel good going to bed, and in the middle of the night I was like, whoa. And I woke up and I went to the bathroom to pee or throw up. And I was like, oh boy, they might both happen at the same time. Oh, man.

And I held the pee. Yeah. And just like. Yeah. And then I peed right over my throw up. I don't give a fuck, dude. That's how wild that is. Wow. Yeah. I didn't even bother flushing it. I just pissed on the throw up. I'm like, what? Just left it. Yeah. Surf and turf. Just a little throw up. Did you do the thing when you barfed, like right after you just curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position? No, never. And felt the cool tiles on your naked skin? No, never. Never done that. Me neither. No.

I do lay down on the bathroom floor sometimes when I get out of the sauna, though. Oh, yeah. Because the tile floor, like right when you get out of the sauna, it's 185 fucking degrees or whatever it is. Yeah. I like to lay down that cool... But you do the ice soaking. Yeah, but I mean inside my house. When I'm inside my house, I have a sauna inside my house. Oh, yeah.

I have one outside, too. I'd love to come over later and sit in it with you. Yeah. Let's hang out. We got one here, too. Just a couple hours. We got one here. I'd rather do the one at your house, I think. Then we can have dinner, too. Okay. What, do you want to sleep over? I wouldn't mind. I bet you do. Well. We're going to work out in the morning? No. You can. You going to get the cold punch? No. Oh, come on. I'd sit in ice cream. In a hot day, the cold punch feels good for about five seconds.

Yeah. A hot day. You get in there, you're like, oh, fuck. I jumped in Lake Superior once, and it was one of those things, I probably stayed in about five minutes.

And I've never experienced it, but when I got out for about 40 minutes after, I was shaking. Like, it was so cold. Here's a question. Lake Superior, massive lake. Used to be a glacier, right? Yeah. Okay. Biggest of the Great Lakes. Most of North America at one point in time, at least half of North America, was covered by like a mile-high sheet of ice. Okay. Right? So you have this time period after the Ice Age where all that melts. How the fuck do the fish get in there?

Yeah. How the fuck did those fish get in there? It's a mystery. That's a really good question. How those lake trout get in there in the middle of the country? Yeah. These big ass giant lake trout. How the fuck did they get in there? Did they just evolve once the water melted? Yeah. Were there seeds of the fish in the ice waiting to be melted? For real though. Yeah. If that's all ice. Yeah. The fish ain't getting in there.

How do they get in the middle of the lake? The lake is fucking huge. It's filled with fish. There is a possibility, it's an extreme one, but I'm trying to answer your question, that a predatory bird like an osprey or a gull or some kind of fish-eating bird... Flies from the ocean. ...caught a fish in a local river or a nearby lake adjacent to... Where are those nearby lakes if the entire continent is covered in ice? Yeah.

Well, have you ever been to a farm or anything like that? And sometimes they have those water troughs that they leave out for the cows, but they've been abandoned. Or you come to a place where there's like a little puddle in a field or something. Right. And somehow there's fish in it. Yeah, sometimes. And there's newts and there's aquatic creatures. And you go, how did they get here? Right. How did a newt get up an aluminum bed?

bend and get down into this ecosystem that's evolved here. It's fascinating. Your question kind of raises the questions for all of creation. We can look at evolution, we can look at the dawn of time, but really, has it ever been answered? Not totally. I mean, they don't have an exact time-by-time, like day-by-day timeline, but...

Do they have an answer to how fish got into the Great Lakes? I can't believe I never asked that before. I never even thought of it before. Well, this is what happened. A huge body of water. Of course, there's fish in there. But if the whole continent was covered 10,000 years ago in ice, what the fuck happened? Well, you might have to say, okay, somewhere there was a tributary that came from the ocean. No, it would be from north. It would be from up north. Right, but it weaved down from Hudson's Bay.

down into Superior and the ocean fish. Maybe they probably swim upriver from the warm areas. Well, that's what salmon do when they spawn. Yeah, I bet they swim up area. That makes the most sense, what they got in those lakes. So those lakes must be connected to rivers, right? Oh, yeah, they have to be. They all are. They probably swim up into the lake and then evolve to become like these big lake creatures like lake trouts. Yeah.

Cause lake trout are fucking huge. Lake trout can get huge. Oh man. Yeah. People ice fish them. Yeah. That's like a big way of, it's, they're fucking crazy looking. Yeah. So that thing, you don't really find them, I mean, in the southern areas, right? Those are our northern fish, aren't they? Lake trout? Yeah. Uh,

They're sort of a deep water, really cold fish. They don't necessarily have to be way up north. Right. So if they evolved, so these lakes and streams from the lower part of the country, right? So if you're talking about like New Mexico or something like that, some area that wasn't covered in ice.

These things swim all the way up the river, and then they evolve in this lake to become bigger and to become adapted to the cold, deep water. Different species, yeah. It's crazy. Dude, this is the mystery of where we are. Yeah. How about sturgeon? Sturgeon, they're like dinosaurs. Where do those fuckers come from? These things are what, 1,000 pounds or more? Huge. Monsters. They look like dinosaurs. Prehistoric, yeah. They look prehistoric.

Have you ever seen that thing that's in the Amazon? It has essentially bulletproof scales. Yeah, they're black. What is it called? I've seen it. Arapaia? Yeah. What's up, Jimmy? The way the fish got into the Great Lakes is a way deeper story than I've uncovered so far, but it's the way salmon got there specifically in the 60s. People brought them there. Yeah, a guy had to bring them there. That makes sense. Fishing became very popular back then, so that makes sense.

A lot of dead fish swimming on the shores for some reason. I was trying to find out. But were there any fish in there before the salmon? There had to have been. As you were first asking it, I've seen this image recently. The depth of Lake Superior specifically is very deep. 1,333 feet. Fuck. So there could maybe have been something under there waiting for the ice to melt that came back up.

There's a bunch of stuff saying what he said too was like fish eggs get dropped by other birds and end up in the water. I got to think the river has a lot to do with it. So this is like you can't go up Niagara Falls. That's true. Wow, you can't. Yeah, good point, Jamie. That's a very good point. Right, how the fuck does it get past those? God damn it.

What a mystery. Yeah. Carlin, we've maybe cracked or uncovered one of the biggest mysteries in humankind, and no one's talking about it, buddy.

Isn't that incredible? Yeah, aren't you glad I showed up? We busted it out. Wow. We're the ones. We're the ones. Imagine tomorrow, like front page of every newspaper, Harlan Williams and Joe Rogan pose serious question as to how fish got in the Great Lakes. And scientists are baffled. And they all start talking to us, coming to us, like, how did you guys realize that fish had to get into the Great Lakes when the Great Lakes used to be covered in a glacier?

You guys are geniuses, untouched geniuses of nature. And then maybe when Trump gets in for a second term, he appoints us to some sort of a nature advisory board and we give a-

We could be the master ichthologists. Yes. We could be the people telling everybody how to fix all these problems with animals and people. But see, here's the other layer of this lasagna that we're not talking about. You're talking about lake trout. Right. How about Lake Superior probably has 60, 70 different species of fish? I've fished Lake Superior. I've caught whitefish. I've caught lake trout. Right.

There's all kinds of fish in there. Right. How'd they get in there? By the way, I used to work on the shores of Lake Superior. And there's a place... You'd like this, because I know you like bears and you like guns and you like... There's a... Believe it or not, there's a place on the shores of Lake Superior called Nays Provincial Park, where it's such a desolate place...

And in World War II, they had a German Nazi prisoner of war camp on the shores. Whoa. And the prisoners, it was so remote, no one could escape because they would have gone into the Canadian wilderness. But the German soldiers captured somehow a black bear and trained it to box. They put boxing gloves on it. And the Nazi soldiers...

for entertainment purposes, would box with this black bear. Jesus Christ. And they sunk a whole bunch of wartime vehicles in Lake Superior. Whoa. Yeah. How many Bonneys do you think are in Lake Superior?

I don't know, but they might be preserved. It's so cold. That's what I'm thinking. If you went down. Yeah. If you dropped them all the way to the 1,300 feet, just this creepy skeleton with his 1970s jeans on. Well, he might not even be a skeleton. That's what I'm saying. It's so cold. He might still have flesh and just be like your baby in the woods. Just like, hi, Joe. Would you like a fresh cauliflower? Don't you think something would eat him?

Maybe more lamprey eels. This thing's alive down there. Lampreys. You ever seen a lamprey? Aren't they a saltwater creature? No, freshwater. They're in Lake Ontario. Oh, really? Yeah. I know they cling to the bottom of sharks a lot, right? They feed off of what the shark- Those are remoras. Oh, that's right. Remoras. By the way- Is lamprey similar to remoras? No, a lamprey is one of the more horrific. It has a round- It's like an eel with a round- A suction cup. With teeth.

It affixes itself on the fish and slowly sucks their interiors out. Jesus Christ. Look at what... If that was in a movie, you would say, oh my God. Yeah. God, that's not real. Yeah. That's like Dune, right? That's like the worm in Dune. There is a movie. What's it called? Let me see that one where that dude's holding it again. That's so creepy. Yeah. The lamp right... Look at that fucking mouth, man. Yeah.

Well, what's amazing is it sucks your insides out and slowly eats you alive. So it pulls the skin apart and then just sucks out all the organs? No, it literally creates a hole. Look at it biting that dude's hand. Yeah, it puts a hole in the fish and just stays affixed to the same spot and eats its insides out. They're older than dinosaurs, dude. Yeah. Now, they're in the Great Lakes.

That's crazy. How the fuck did they get in there? So that's one attached to a fish? Yeah, that's on a lake trout right there. Can you show me the photo? Oh, so that's the hole where it was. No, that's it hanging. Invasive. Oh, those are the ones hanging. Yeah. And then see the hole? You can see a hole where one let go. And they just- Click on that link, please. Consume the fish. Where are they from originally? It says it's an invasive species. I don't know. Maybe the Amazon? Does it say? Right, right. But where are they from?

It says it's invasive. It's a sea lamprey. Yeah. They're in the Great Lakes. The sea lamprey is invasive, and it can cause problems in local ecosystems. It's a lot to do with its size. Sea lampreys are big compared to native species, so it comes from the ocean somehow or another. And they can live in fresh water? That's crazy. Well, apparently the girl, I think her name's Maria Bell, was the first person to ever swim across Lake Ontario. Oh.

And she had to swim through schools of those, apparently, when she swam across Lake Ontario. Oh, my God. Imagine those little fuckers grabbing ahold of your asshole.

Yeah, they're the perfect. They almost got asshole suckers for mouths. Yeah. Like, they're perfect. I hate to see Dimitri around one of those. So in the 1950s, the U.S. and Canada teamed up for population control measures, and they have worked several strategies, including traps to capture adult lampreys, lamprecise poison, target seed lamprey larvae, and installing barriers are a few tactics to use. So far, working... What does it say?

That's a good thing. Left multiple IC lampreys could significantly damage the region's $7 billion fishing industry. Lampreys. Yeah. Creepy little fuckers. Yeah. And then the remora. Look how weird that thing is. The remora has a suction cup on its head. So the top of its head is a suction cup. Look at that.

And I was sexually assaulted in Florida. I had been eating a bacon sandwich and spilled some on my lap and went swimming, and that thing sucked me for about an hour and a half.

Look at the top of his head. Well, someone's not paying attention. I'm paying attention. Well, I had a sexual assault and you glazed right over it. I didn't believe you. Well, it's true. It lasted too long. I can show you the suck mark. If he said for like 30 seconds, I would have said, oh my God, that thing clung to his leg for 30 seconds. But maybe I wanted to last. Remember, you're talking to the dryer sex guy here. Right, the guy with the baby inside. Do you know that the Spanish- What does it say? Suckerfish latches to swimmer? Whoa. There you go. Look at her. She's hot. She's hot.

But, you know, the Spanish fishermen, you know, there was a time when you could eat sea turtles. Right. And the remora will swim to whatever is moving because they feed off of the— they're like parasitic fish. When the shark eats, they'll catch all the scraps. So Spanish fishermen, to their ingenuity, they used to eat sea turtles, and when they'd catch a remora—

they'd keep it alive in the boat, and when they saw a sea turtle, they'd put it on their line, throw it in the water. The remoras would go to the sea turtles, stick on the shell, and they'd reel in sea turtles. Really? Used to be able to eat them, yeah. That's how they got... No, you're making this up. No, that's for real. This was in the past. They clung to the sea turtle, and that's how they pulled it. So they used it like a magnet to get sea turtles. Right, yeah. You saw the size of the sucker on its head, right? So it would stick...

to the sea turtle, and then they can, in essence, pull in the... Yeah, see, there's one. Yeah, so if you want to go fishing for sea turtles later, let me know. That's crazy. Yeah, some good sucking going on in the ocean. They used to take the sea turtles and flip them on their back and put them in the bottom of the ship.

And then when they wanted to eat one, they just pick it up. Because when you flip them on their back, they can't turn over. So they just lay there. Yeah. And they could stay alive for a long time without food or water. Yeah, because they're air breathers. Yeah, so you just leave them in there until you want to cook one. Yeah, throw a leave over it. Pick it up. It's like fresh food. I've seen a bunch of videos of people cooking and eating sea turtles in other countries. Yeah.

Because there's like some cooking show or fishing show where some guy went with them and you're not allowed to do it, but you can be there while people are doing it. You know, if you're an American, you're not allowed to kill a sea turtle. Yeah. But in some parts of the world, like their local culture, you know, like in some places, Inuits are allowed to eat whale. They can kill whale. They can kill walrus. Seals, all that stuff. So these people are allowed to kill sea turtles. But there's something like really disturbing about watching a sea turtle get hacked up.

Yeah, because they're so gentle. I know, and they're so like, what is happening to me? Yeah, they're just like little dummies swimming around. They're not like a fish. Like a fish? Fish is just like their eyes don't move that good. They just move around a little. You're so removed from me, I'm going to cut your head off and serve you a sushi. They're so sweet. I was just in the Galapagos Island swimming underwater with sea turtles holding their flippers.

Also... So sweet. That's cute. Also, sea turtles... Trying to seem tough, but... Turtles are always good guys. Yeah. In movies, like Ninja Turtles, they're the good guys. Yeah. Right? Turtles are like your friend. Yeah, they're buddies. Yeah, they're your wise pal. The turtles are never cunts. It's never like a cunty turtle. In like movie depictions. Yeah. Can you think of a cunty turtle? Uh...

God. Remember that giant turtle that fought Godzilla? And fire would come out of his shell. There you go. There's your example. He would go fly it. He would spin around. What was his name again? Cunty? No. I don't think so. Well...

But like turtles, that's like one of those things that happens with people. That's why people like love bears because you have teddy bears. Yeah. You know, you have teddy bears and, you know, you got Yogi and, you know, only you could prevent forest fires, all that stuff. Like, oh, bears are your friends. They're sweet. Yeah. And it's what a great PR campaign these murderous assassins have pulled off. Yeah. Getting us to like reintroduce them into areas where people are like, we're your friends. They're not. They're monsters. Big ass monsters. Yeah.

With a good PR campaign. Polar bears will eat you faster than they'll do anything else. Here's a fact. Owls are dumb.

I thought they were wise. I did too. I talked to a woman who trains birds, and she had all these different birds. She had hawks and parrots and falcons and all that. She's like, owls are the dumbest. There's only one animal dumber than them. That's one of those big animals, one of those big birds, rather, that's dumber than them. One of them big birds from Australia. What are those things called? Emu? That's it. That one's dumber. Really? So that's the only animal that's dumber than an owl. She's like, owls are so dumb.

I thought they were wise. I had one booing outside of my house about two weeks ago, keeping me awake all night. And I'm like, how do you deal with the wisest of all the birds, right? So I go outside. I throw a Rubik's Cube up into the tree. It comes back 30 seconds later perfectly done. So I don't think they're that dumb. Maybe you got an autistic kid living in your tree. Yeah.

Johnny, I'm trying to sleep. Come down, Johnny. He's up there counting out loud. So check this out, Joe. He's out there doing long math in his head. He's up there eating celery. 5,000 divided by 16. He's with a beautiful mind. He throws it back to you. He keeps going on with his math. I did do a movie once where...

I played a wizard, and I had a Eurasian eagle owl. I think they're the biggest of all the owls. And they trained it to land on my arm on the big leather glove. Yeah. And I'd never worked with owls up close like that. And the trainer, he was sitting like this with his talons, and the trainer said, grab the back talon and pull it.

And I said, well, I don't want to hurt the thing. You know, he said, no, pull it. So I grabbed the back and I, you know, I gave it a tug and it didn't move. And he goes, no, pull it as hard as you can. And, you know, these are these big claws. I grab it. I could not move it. And he goes, this is what an owl's death grip feels like. When it clanks onto something, it's over. I could not believe the strength of

in in that talon it was crazy yeah i mean they're raptors yeah they're just wild they're claws when you see an eagle's claw when they give you a close-up and you yeah it's like a human hand but with spears at the tip of the fingers but i didn't understand the strength of them so strong just like much stronger than your hands yeah oh yeah well imagine what they do when they just snatch a salmon out of the water and fly away with it i tried those things man yeah

That's insane. I mean, that is straight up dinosaur tools. Look at that.

It's crazy. And look at all the texture to it. Yeah. All the muscles and tendons. What a monster. And way more powerful than you would think just by looking at it. Oh, yeah. I actually, if you look at the claws of the osprey. Look at that owls. Those are fake. He's got two hands, bro. That's real. No, those are fake. No, that's the wise owl. That's the real wise owl. That can't be. I don't think those are real. He reads books with those. Yeah. Yeah.

He's up there in the tree reading books. I didn't even see the problem with it at first. I was like, what's wrong with it? Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah. Welcome to the internet. But I was so shocked that owls are dumb. Yeah, why? It's really dumb. Whoa! Look at those claws. Is that the Eurasian eagle owl? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Great horned owl. Look at those things. That's so amazing. That's what took my chihuahua. Did it really? Yeah, I had a chihuahua and one of those bastards. Because they're big, too. Oh, they're big. Those are fairly big. They get a lot of cats. Imagine my little chihuahua getting picked apart by that thing.

I have a friend, and he was telling, I think Steve Rinello was telling us on the podcast, was he? About the, like they found this one owl's nest that was filled with like cats, little collars. Oh, wow. Yeah, just like 30 different cat collars. Wow. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. What the fuck, man? They're just snatching cats out of people's backyards. Yeah. And like I said, it's a- Tabby. Yeah.

Gone. Gone. Not even a sound. If you hear this, if you hear... You ever heard the difference between the sound an owl makes when it flies? They've done these... Where they record the noise. There is no sound. It's insane. It's silent. When you see a hawk do it or an eagle do it, there's all this different birds have noise and then the owl makes no fucking noise. The aerodynamics of an owl, they're like stealth bombers. Yeah.

Just silent. You know, the other wild one is tuna. When tuna go through the water, they can go through the water to grab someone and grab something, and they don't even make a ripple. Like when they go over the top of the water. It's crazy. I watched video of it. It's bizarre. Wait, when they jump? Yeah, no, when they're going through the top of the water. Oh, I see. They just slide through it like a knife. Like a knife, yeah. So that's a hawk. Yeah. Now watch the owl. It's Ken's turn. Nothing. Silent.

Silent. Silent, nighttime killer. Dumb as shit. Big, stupid head with giant eyes. Dumb as shit. Just fucking killing everything it can. They're not that dumb. They've got to be smarter than a woodpecker. I think woodpeckers are way smarter. Really? I don't know. What about a blue heron? I don't think you can train a woodpecker. This lady probably has a limited database to work with. Everything she's got on her arm is like a raptor, except for the owl. The falcons, she said, are the hardest.

hawks and falcons she goes they just kill everything yeah you let them go they just go find things they'll kill squirrels they just they just can't stop killing okay she goes these these things just like they're killing machines yeah she goes i let them go they just find things and kill it like immediately yeah find a bird kill it fly up to the bird kill it they come back to her but they just go kill things first oh this is a trained falcon yeah yeah they're all trained

But it doesn't matter. Like, if you let a hawk go, hawks just go find something to kill. Yeah. Like, what do I got to kill? They just fly around like, oh, bird! Yeah. Boom, dead. Yeah. They're not even trying to eat it. Squirrel, fuck you! Bam! Kill that squirrel. So sport killing. Sport killing. Really? They're just designed to kill. Because not a lot of animals do that. Some animals can't help themselves. Lions do it to hyenas. Yeah. I bet that lion did it to that lady in that car. I bet she wasn't eating her. I bet that was a little bit of sport.

There's another old video where some Danish guy's going through a lion safari with his wife and kids. And he got out. He was with his camera. Oh, no. And literally, the kids and the wife, you see them in the car going berserk. And his legs are kicking in the air. And the lion just came and devoured him right in front of the wife and kids. Like, the idiot got out.

Some people are just fucking stupid. Yeah. That's Darwin, right? Yeah. That's the whole idea is like those people are not supposed to make it. Yeah. Yeah. You're not supposed to make it.

But they've already bred. That's the problem. At least the kid has the benefit of seeing his dad get, like, my dad was so dumb. Like, you know, you can have a dumb dad and get through things and be a different person than your dad was. And if you're a dumb kid and your dad is dumb as shit, your dad gets out and gets eaten by a lion in front of you, that has a profound effect. I got to be honest. I'm not even saying that kid's dumb. You know, maybe the kid's a genius. Yeah. You could have a genius kid be stupid.

I got to be honest, though, Joe, in this world we live in where, you know, humans expire primarily, you know, in a hospital bed or at home and around their loved ones with a disease, with whatever, cancer. Right. I really would rather die like jumping a lion. Like, you know, at the family function, how did he die? He attacked a lion. He went out on his shield. Huh? Yeah, you went out on your shield.

Yeah. Yeah. Like I want to noble the death of like a warrior, right? Yeah. And going back to that story, this is going to sound ridiculous. No way. Yeah. But going back to the story where I told you I saw the lion when my hand was shaking, there was that terrified part of me. This is for real. There were two male lions, no one else in the middle of Africa. Yeah.

Part of me wanted to jump out of the truck and just run at the lion and attack it, knowing that I'd die, but knowing that it would be the most glorious death possible.

of a man with courage or stupidity, but at least I would die in a fashion where... Spectacular way. In the real world, organic, nature, man versus beast, beast versus beast, because I don't like to think of us as superior to other creatures, but...

It just, that actually popped into my head. I thought, I don't want to expire in the leukemia ward. I don't want to be in hospice. Right. I've lived a good life. Yeah. So imagine I just run at a lion. And that last moment, I get to see the shock in its face of a human daring to jump on it and grab its... Yeah. And they would have been on me in a second, but...

I don't know. Is that weird? No. Like, have you ever thought how you want to die? Well, if you're going to die, especially if you're older and you know it's soon, that's a good way to go. Just run at that line next time. Have you ever thought about that? No. Would you be fine just expiring in a hospital bed? Yeah, that's better than being torn apart in front of your family.

Yeah, I'm not saying do it in front of your family. What about the other people that are there with you? No, not in front of your family, but if you just have that one-on-one moment. Someone's got to take you to the line. Let's say you're out hunting a grizz, and one day you just go, you know what? You put the rifle down, and you just run at them and go, this is how I want to go. Punching a grizz in the face. Knowing you're going to die, but you go out in that...

That wild... Punching a grizz in the face is like an ant punching you. Yeah. It's like being attacked by a kitten with no claws. It is. But you get that moment of being a man, of feeling that power. No. You'd rather just... That's a stupid way to die. ...have a heart attack. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's a stupid way to die. Well...

I mean, it's one thing if you get attacked by an animal when you're out in the woods. Right. And it's like, hey, this is the price you pay for being in nature. But see, that's the thing, you revert. They attack us. Why can't we attack them now? Flip it around. Okay.

I'd like to. Yeah, you can. Okay. Maybe I'm even inviting you to come with me to do it. If you ever find out that you're going to die and that's how you want to go, I'll go. You'd come with me? Yeah, definitely. I'll bring a rifle in case you change your mind. You wouldn't run? As you're running, like, Joe, I changed my mind! Boom! I'll have my crosshairs on them. You wouldn't run to the animal with me? No. No, I'll be there to watch if you want me to. Yeah, I'd love that. Okay. It'll be a special moment we share.

I love Cher. I'll be there when you pass over into the next stage of life. But you got to do me a favor. Yeah. If like heaven's real, if like there is an afterlife or whatever it is, just let me know. Oh, I would. Come back and tell me. Come in a dream. Tell me in a dream. Yeah. Have you ever had a dream of someone who died and it seemed like super realistic? Ooh. Yes. I think I have. What was it? It might have been my dad. Ooh.

Yeah, I just remember being really sad, like he's gone and there was like this wave of emptiness. Because my mother did die. And are your parents still with us? Yes. So when my mother died, like this hole formed in my heart, like it literally felt like a hole.

And it can't close. Like, I can come to peace with it. I can be at harmony with the fact that she's gone. And I wasn't even super close with my mom. But the hole that got left in my heart, it's like, ooh. If I focus on it, I can feel it immediately. And it's just that connection to the mother, the person that—

brought you into this world, you know, is really, really powerful. And so in the dream, what happened with your dad? I can't remember. It's foggy. What I remember more than the actual moment is that feeling, that feeling of emptiness that, oh, they're gone, you know, just gone forever. And it was really sort of this sad, crushing feeling on my soul. It's powerful.

I had a dream after Phil Hartman died. And it wasn't that long after his death. And in the dream, I ran into him and it was very realistic. Because we were outside and he had like one of those folding lawn chairs. And it was on the ground. And I said, I said, hello. And he was explaining to me that him and his wife had worked it out.

This is after his wife killed him. You were right there too, right? I wasn't there when it happened. No, but you were working the show when it happened, right? Yeah. And he laughed about it. Like, yeah, we had a lot to work through. But we're good now. Something along those lines. And then he sat down on the lawn chair and fell backwards. Like it stumbled backwards. And then I looked and he was gone. It was really weird. And then I realized it was a dream. And then I woke up.

But I remember thinking, like, in the moment, like, that seems so realistic. Like, he was, like, telling me he's okay. Because I tried to get him to divorce that lady a bunch of times while I was working with him. Yeah, because they would fight, like, crazy fights where he would just disappear for a couple... He would leave the house and...

And he was telling me he wanted to get divorced, but he did want the lawyers to take a third. Because it's like, I was like, just give her. Third? How about a half? No, no, no. It's two thirds. So the lawyer takes a third. This is what he was telling me. He's like, I go, just give her half. You're always going to make money. Just get out. Be free. Just be, you know. And he was terrified of that. He was terrified of leaving. And so when he finally decided to leave, she murdered him in his sleep. She shot him and then-

She shot herself, and my friend was actually – my friend who was a cop was actually there when she shot herself. Oh, so that happened when the police approached the house. Yes, yes. Oh, wow. Yeah. The police broke into the house to try to save the kids, and she shot herself. The kids ran away from their mom, he told me. So he – I hadn't done stand-up in two weeks after the murder. I was just –

Yeah, I just couldn't imagine anything being funny. And yeah, and then I decided two weeks later to try to go to the comedy store So I'm at the gas station and while I was at the gas station my friend who was a cop was there and I was like Hey, what's up? How you doing? He goes. I hate how you doing you good? I go. Yeah, he goes, you know, I was there I go really and then he told me the whole story about how he was there and they saw the mom in the bathroom with the gun and

And the kids ran away from the mom when the cops broke down the door. Because the cops saw her in the bathroom with the gun. Yeah. And a lot of times in murder suicides, the mother will kill her children too. Yeah, of course. Yeah. And so she was in there with the gun talking to the kids. And the kids freaked out. And then when they broke down the front door, the kids ran away from the mom. And she just blew her brains out. The only good side is they didn't see her do that, I'm guessing. I'm hoping they didn't see that.

There's no good side. I mean, there's no good side. You lose your mother and your father in a murder-homicide in one night, and you're like, what? I mean, there's no good side to that. With your intuition, like obviously you were advising Phil to get away. Yeah. Was there ever a foresight in your head that she would murder him? Wow. No, no, no.

Isn't that funny how we just don't know people? First of all, she was also on Zoloft and cocaine. And the family won some sort of a settlement with Zoloft. Not much, but there's instances where people mix Zoloft with cocaine that they have psychotic reactions. Yeah. And I suspect that's what was going on. They hated each other.

Really? They loved each other and they hated each other. It was one of those deals. She would insult him publicly. It was rough, man. And I was just saying, you're a great guy. You don't need to be going through this. You need to get divorced and share custody of your kids and try to set an example. You can't do this. The fighting was so bad. It was...

And he hated it. He didn't want to be married to her. He was stuck. And I told him, like, you can't just stay stuck and just let these circumstances overcome your existence. Yeah, no matter how hard it is, you have to push through. So we had a break. We were done filming for a bit until we went back for the next season and –

One day I woke up and someone called me and told me and then I saw it on the news and it's just like what and then everybody was calling everybody and we all got together and

It's just so hard to believe. It doesn't make sense. It's like, how? Was he your buddy? Like, were you friends with him off set? Like, did you chum around and stuff? Yeah, he actually took me up in his plane once to find where I wound up buying a house. Because I was... He goes, one of the cool things about flying is, like, I can show you. Because he had just got... He had gotten his pilot license while we were on the show together. Yeah. And he...

And so he was always practicing that he bought one of these single-engine planes. It was pretty cool. And so he said, do you want to come up for a flight? I'll show you around. I'm like, yeah, let's do it. And so we flew around the valley and he showed me all these different areas. And it's like he was a great guy, man. Did you— Sweet, sweet guy. Given the turmoil in his relationship, were you privy to the knowledge that they had a gun in the house? No.

Because when you're going through something bad with a spouse, I don't think it's good having a gun in the house. Because someone could flip like that, you know? I guess, yeah. That's a horrible thing to think. But I don't even know whose gun it was. I don't know anything. I don't know if it was her gun. I don't know if I knew about the gun. I don't know. Damn. But the dream was so strange. Because the dream was like him letting me know he's fine. He was Phil. He was laughing. He made some sort of a joke about his wife killing him.

And we got through that now. And then he sat down on the lawn chair and fell backwards. Like it slipped back. And like I think I looked down at the ground and I looked at him and he was gone. And I was like, oh, this is a dream. And then I woke up. Did you feel like closure? Yeah. Weirdly, weirdly. It felt like it was him letting me know not to freak out about it. Yeah. Like let it go. Yeah. Yeah.

But you're always going to freak out about it. You freak out about the kids. The kids is a big one. You just can't imagine what it would be like if that was you, if you were a kid. And then all of a sudden your mom shoots your dad and then shoots herself. And then it's public. It's not just that it's this thing that you have to deal with. It's the thing that everybody wants to talk to you about because the whole world knows about it because he was a famous guy. Yeah. Well, not only famous, but what really... He was loved, but what really kind of...

was hard to get your head around is you have this guy who's an extreme comedy force, right? Yeah. And you don't think of joyous sort of comedy, people that elicit laughter...

And violence like that. Right, right, right. And so the fact here was this funny sort of ha, ha, ha guy that brought so much laughter. And then that kind of ending, it's like it just doesn't fit. Not only that, it's like when does the wife kill the husband with a gun? How often is that? That's so rare. And execution style in the sleep. While they're sleeping. Oh, my God. What must have been going through her head, too. Zoloft and cocaine. Yeah. What's Zoloft? It's an antidepressant, SSRI. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, Google the results of the side effects of mixing Zoloft with cocaine. I think there's a few psychiatric medications that if you mix with alcohol or if you mix with cocaine, you get really crazy behavior. Like people just go off the fucking rails. Yeah. I don't know.

even how much control they have. I don't know what that feels like. Like, what does that feel like? You're on Zoloft and Coke. You might be fucking a raving maniac. Yeah. You know, just anything on that.

Zoloft. Yeah. Just that name sounds like it's crazy time. Sounds like it's from the Star Trek. Yeah, it sounds like one of the planets they landed on, right? Yeah, Zoloft is not comforting. The Zolofts are here. I wonder if they named it that to make it seem like it's super advanced. Like, you're going to take Zoloft. Yeah. Oh, it's fucking super advanced. It just sounds like nutty time. That's going to fix it. Yeah. That's going to fix it.

Like if there was a legitimate happy pill that worked like that with everybody, that gave you sort of like a low dose of MDMA all throughout the day, it's probably a good thing for everybody. As long as there's no side effects. I'm mixed on that. Yeah? Because I think we were bioengineered.

to have what we have. And when you, on a daily basis, if you start tinkering with what the structure was, how it was already the architecture of the structure, I feel like it's not maybe necessarily a good thing. Taking cocaine and antidepressants can interfere with your medication's ability to balance the levels of neurotransmitters in your brain, making them ineffective and possibly worsening your symptoms.

What did he say, abused? How about used, buddy?

Although this rush of dopamine and serotonin makes him feel great for a few minutes, mixing antidepressants and cocaine can produce serotonin syndrome, which is marked by symptoms like confusion, anxiety, fear, diarrhea, vomiting, seizures, and coma. Additionally, taking cocaine with other drugs also increases the individual's risk of addiction. Chronic users often require cocaine addiction treatment and treatment for cocaine withdrawal symptoms to recover. Do you...

Is there Zoloft, mixing Zoloft and cocaine psychotic behavior? Google that. Oh, there's got to be. Because I think that was something that, like, in limited numbers of people, they observed some, like, craziness. Yeah. That's... Poor guy, man. Sorry, dude. That's a traumatic story. Yeah, it's a rough story. But, you know, it happened 25 years ago or whatever it was. Still, it's just like...

Crazy. Crazy to believe. It's hard to believe. It's hard to believe that someone could do that to someone that they're married to, that they have children with, that they love, supposedly. That you would lose your mind that far, that you would shoot them in the sleep. It's fucking... Well, it's the Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison from The Doors, Janis Joplin syndrome. They were cut down. They left us...

with who knows what else to offer us. Right, right, right. So many untold jokes, stories, moments. Phil Hartman was obviously multi-talented as an actor, too. He was an artist as well. He did album covers. He did a bunch of album covers. To see what would still come. I think, didn't he get killed in his late 30s? No, he was in his 40s. 40s. I don't think he even made it onto Saturday Night Live until he was in his late 30s. Wow. The thing of him is he...

was a grinder for so long and he was so talented and just didn't make it until he did. And then everybody's like, Oh my God, this guy's amazing. Yeah. He was fucking great on news radio too. Such a good comedic actor. So funny, man. So good at delivering a line. Like, Oh, I'm such a professional.

Yeah. And it was interesting because he came over from Saturday Night Live, which is like this really competitive, like shitty environment. They're snipe at each other and do horrible things to each other behind the scenes. They do. Yeah. He told me it was terrible. And so when he came to news radio, to the sitcom, which was opposite, everybody was

Very loose. Everybody was silly. We'd all go out drinking together and it was a good time. Like there wasn't any like weird shittiness. Oh good. And he didn't, he had to like adjust. And so he would tell me about it. Like the, the, the, like he's like to smoke a little weed. So I'd hang out with him and he'd smoke weed. This is back when I wasn't smoking weed and he'd smoke a little weed. We'd talk about stuff and just like, you know, like,

He hated being there. It was just all backstabbers. Yeah, I've heard that story at SNL. Yeah, they'll steal your ideas for your sketches. Jim Brewer had horrible stories about that. He had sketch ideas, and he'd put them in this spreadsheet, and they could read the spreadsheet of what you were going to do these sketches on. So other senior writers would steal those sketches and say, we're doing something on that. Yeah.

And just like, fuck you, man. Yeah. It was just like this constant battle. And he said he had it with cast members. He had it with writers. And so Phil was like,

That's not conducive for comedy. It's the worst. Yeah. It's the worst for comedy, but that's like that really weak man backstabbing shit when they get power. That happens when they have too much power unchecked and no one's watching them and they get away with things like stealing younger writers' premises and it's all dog-eat-dog. Everybody's just trying to get to the top. That's always been a part of stand-up.

Always been a part of comedy is like people stealing people's bits and the famous person steals them and the unfamous person's fucked and destroys their lives. Like we've seen it happen before. Has anyone ripped you off ever? Yeah, sure. Bunch of times.

Yeah. Yeah, I've confronted people and they told me they wouldn't do it again. Then I heard they were doing it again. Like there's certain people that have always been buccaneers. They've always been joke buccaneers. You know, it's a problem. And you know, they don't have any friends, those people. They sometimes have like

like a vampire familiar opening act. So this opening act will go with them and they'll steal bits from them too. There was a bunch of guys that got away with that before the internet rolled around. There was a predatory type of comedian that would just poach other people's premises and sort of rework them. They didn't have any... There was nothing that they did that was creative on their own. Everything was derivative of somebody else's work. Everything. I always heard, and I'm sure he could do an

you know, anything he wanted on his own volition. But I had always heard stories that Robin Williams was that guy. Yeah. Did you ever hear anything about that? I heard a lot of stories that he was that guy. Yeah. And I think Robin Williams was so, like, part of that manic sort of style. It's like this constant need to have a bit about anything that you're talking about ever. And

Killing, I think, was more important and filling that hole inside of him was more important than anything. And so he would just do other people's stuff if he didn't have anything to say.

Did he get confronted by other comedians? Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of stories. Kenison got mad at him. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He stole from Kenison? Yeah, he stole from everybody. He stole from a lot of people. So it is true. I'd always heard that. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. If you ask any of those comics from back then, there's always instances of Robin going on a talk show and doing your bit or going on this and doing your bit. Yeah. Yeah.

Doing your bit at a club. Yeah. With him, do you think it was because he was just so spontaneous? That's not real. He would just puke it out? There's no way. I think he wanted to kill more than he wanted to be ethical. So at any cost, I will kill. And especially back then when no one was really watching you other than comedians. Yeah. Like even up into the 2000s, like the Mencia thing happened in 2007, right? Yeah. Even then-

They were more willing to side with someone who they thought was more profitable than the truth. Than the truth about what is this person doing and how are they getting this material. This is pretty clear that they're plagiarizing.

And if it's any other form of entertainment, like music, they'll bring you to court and you lose. And then all the money from those songs has to come to the original person because you copied their song. That's a classic thing. Happens in literature all the time. That woman who was the president of Harvard got busted plagiarizing. She's not a president of Harvard anymore. There's consequences always. But in comedy, it's always been self-policed.

Yeah. You know, and so that was it was a so it's a weird thing. That thing that people do where they try to pawn off other people's bits as their own. Like it's a vampire thing because you're around all these creative people and you're just stealing a little bit from this guy and a little bit from that guy. People are scared of you.

Did you ever put a guy up against the wall? No, I didn't have to do that. How come? Because I just said things. Like you just verbally confronted him? I just said, hey, man, don't do my fucking material anymore. You know that's my material. Yeah. Just like that. And, you know, they're probably still going to do it unless you want to hurt them. But it's like the thing about those people is they always get caught. And when they get caught, everything after that sucks. This is how you know if a thief is legitimately a thief.

If they're being unjustly accused, they're always going to come up with new material. They're always going to be creative. They're always going to have new great jokes because they're actually writing and working on it. But if it's true, what you see is an initial special or something or a few things they do that are really funny. And then you see this massive drop off of

In like the concepts that they talk about the what the the irony that they discover They don't have any like legitimate points where you're like wow that is crazy There's none of that it all goes away And it becomes almost like a person doing an impression of the original successful person yeah because they have no creativity in that now They're exposed so now they have to be really careful, so you see that with every thief you

You see a couple early big specials or something, and then you see massive drop-off and terrible performances after that. It's because they're not real. Yeah, I think I can think of a few. They're parasites. That's what they are. They're vampires, and they're stealing from artists. Yeah.

They're tolerated a lot of times because they're very successful. And one of the creepy things they do is they start hiring people to work for them. Like they'll have a television show or something. They'll hire legitimate people to work for them. And those people now become like,

They become like confidants and so they kind of keep it under wraps They try to like defend that person publicly It's a very slick PR move for scumbags and some of those people working for them could be writers that will steal for them on their behalf becomes a problem - one of the things that we noticed in the early days of the store is that the guys who are thieves their opening acts would become thieves and

Because even if the opening acts had potential, and some of them got out of it and actually became like legit comics eventually, but they were seeing the shortcuts that this guy was taking. They were seeing this guy driving a Mercedes, and they're like, I want to take shortcuts too. This is how you do it. If you want to get by, this is my mentor. If that's your mentor, if your mentor is a buccaneer, and you're like, okay, I guess this is a fucking, I thought I was an artist. I guess this is a dog-eat-dog world. Eventually I'll stop stealing, but right now I got to make it. Bad approach. Crazy. Yeah.

Kind of crazy. Did anyone ever approach you and say, hey, Rogan, that's my bit? No. I have had people approach me where I know that it wasn't their bit and I know they were trying to steal a bit. Oh, really? One of the things that thieves will do is say, I actually do a bit on that, too.

Yeah. And you're like, that's really interesting because I've been doing this bit for two years and you've seen me do comedy. Yeah. So what do we do in here? Yeah. So there's like a thing they do to let you know, hey, I didn't steal this from you, but I have a bit on that too. But you kind of did, didn't you? Yeah. You know, there's those moments. It's that little kind of poke the cage. And then there's also like public events, like some big thing that happens. Everyone's going to have a bit on it.

You know, like the submarine explosion. You can't say, hey, I do a bit on the submarine. The wall. The border wall. Everybody's got a bit on the border wall. This is like, there's certain things where it's just you know. But you just know. We know who's writing. We see them. We see them go up. You know, if you go to the mothership on any given night, someone's going to do a joke at the bombs. And then that joke...

Maybe next time they'll tweak it. You know, maybe they come up in the green room this many times has happened Well, one of us will say a joke. I'll say a joke. I'm like this joke is just fucking I can't go anywhere with it I got I know there's something there, but I can't and we'll fuck around we'll bounce off each other We'll network. Yeah, and then like someone will go up with the version of it. That's like tightened up and that starts killing Yeah, we got it works. And so it's like this like cooperative project. Yeah, it's just

If you're not doing that, then you're not creating new material because new material is never perfect. It's always like sometimes it is. Sometimes you have a bit like it came to you. Every now and then. Came to you and it's hilarious right away and it kind of stays in that same form. But then a lot of times it's like you know there's something there, but you don't know how you're going to extract it. Yeah. Some of my favorite moments is I'm one of these guys. I don't know why I do this. I think it's for the thrill of the kill.

But I love to go to the show early, like at the store or whatever. I'll go like, you know, two comics early and I'll sit in the back and I don't know what my opening bit's going to be. And I realized those two comics have between them about, I don't know, 25 minutes. They're doing 12 minutes each. And I go between them and me going up, I got to come up with my opening bit and I'll create it.

As I'm in the back of the room. I call it kind of sort of like swimming, you know, reaching for air when you're drowning. Right. Well, you know you have to say something. I have to do it. So it forces your brain to come up with something funny to say off the top. Right. And I'll go up and do it. And again, the opening bit is always the hardest. Right. So if you can lay a new bomb...

as your opening bit that you just came up with i love doing that that's a great way to put yourself under pressure oh i love it i love it have you done bottom of the barrel yet at the mothership we did it we did it last night next time you're in town on tuesday night uh brian simpson who we just called oh are you reaching the bucket yeah yeah i did it last i about a month ago that's the best yeah yeah your back is against what shane shane and i did it last night for a half

We do it together sometimes. Oh, wow. So Shane and I went up at the end of the show. Oh, my God. We had so much fun. That's it. It's fun, man. We had so much fun. It was so much. We're laughing. We're laughing so hard. And I'm laughing at him. We're laughing at each other. We're laughing at the audience. The audience is laughing. It was like such a party because they know we're just pulling these things out. Yeah, you pull out words, right? Yeah, you pull out words.

You gotta, oh yeah. So like it was cool as a team thing too because sometimes he's ranting about something, we're all laughing and I'll just, while it's happening, I'll pull in the bucket, try to find another good one. Like what's the next one gonna be? So we got one on deck.

But it's like having that thing where you're forced to come up with something funny in the moment. It's a good little exercise for creativity. Yeah, and what I'm getting at, too, is when it hits. When you do that, it's kind of like a 40-60 ratio a lot of the time. Right, 40% success. When you get that one that you just came up with and it's 100%, maybe even 110, they're rare, but it's like, ugh.

Oh, yeah. Did you see the Andrew Schultz thing that he did about Los Angeles where he's like, you know, everybody's saying that you guys are a bunch of drug addicts and perverts and psychopaths, but that's just one part of L.A. called Diddy's House. He goes through this Diddy bit. He came up with that in the green room. Oh, see? Before the show. Yeah. Derek was there while he was, like, getting ready. He was, like, trying to...

Nails it. Yeah. In front of everybody. I love it. First time he did it. Kills. It's a great exercise because you know you've got the rest of your whole act. Yes. So in my brain, I go, let's go up and dive on the sword. See if I can, you know...

Mine's some gold. And if I don't, I don't because I got 12 minutes or 30 minutes in the chamber that I know works. So I just, I love that opening few minutes where you just like throw it out there. Yeah, it's good. It's exciting. Yeah, just putting yourself in a situation. Like sometimes when you're on stage and you're doing a bit, you ever go like in another direction just to see where it goes?

Just take a little turn. Oh, yeah. Just see. You never know. And maybe that turn becomes the best part of the bit. Oh, absolutely. But if you don't do that, so that's how you tell the difference between thieves and comics. Thieves don't do that. All of a sudden, they just have bits. Yeah, yeah. No, switching gears in the moment is amazing. And back to what you're saying about SNL, that's one of the reasons I love the purity of what we do is

is because you can deviate. You can create your own meandering pathway as opposed to structured sketches and stuff like that. It's really...

I don't know. It just lets you soar, man. Yeah. I mean, you're great in sketches. You're great in Dumber and Dumber. That was fucking awesome. Oh, thank you. That was hilarious. It was funny seeing you in there because you were like one of my first friends that was in a giant movie. I was like, damn, look at Harlan. Yeah, it was probably right around when I met you. It was my first movie and it was like, oh, no. Do you want some celery?

Does that help? I think it just makes it... If you rub it... Jamie, tuck me in those paper towels. What is that, tea? No, coffee. I just want to... I like this t-shirt. I don't want to fuck it up. Yeah, I mean, we're lucky as fuck, dude. We're lucky that we get to do this for a living, and you and I have been doing it for so fucking long. Jesus, I'm sorry. What are you doing to your dick? No, it's just...

What are you doing over there? Are you pulling your tapeworm out? Son of a bitch. Dimitri. God. More preparation for this show. Joe. It's Dimitri. He's such a sick fuck. You really should go to jail. You should go to jail. We should deport you. We should send you back to Canada for what you've done to me.

This is so fucking stupid. You have to see, it's warm. It's been in my groin for two hours. He had this in his pants the entire time. You won't touch the cauliflower, the celery, you'll touch my groin worm. I'm not into plants, but I really like snakes.

Harlan Williams, you're the fucking man. I love you to death. Thanks for being here. Dude, I'm so honored. Thanks for having me, buddy. Let's do it again. I would be honored. I'm going to need to recover for a few months, but then we'll do it. Take Dimitri with you. Okay, I'll leave him on the table. He'll stay here forever. Okay, good. This is his new home. He'll live amongst the arrowheads and skulls and shit. Thank you, Joe. My pleasure, brother. Great to see you. It's great to be your friend, to know you all these years. I love you to death. You're awesome. Thank you, buddy. You too. Bye, everybody. Bye, everybody.