World's Smallest D***s | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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first kiss seventh grade seventh grade open mouth oh yeah yeah i only started open mouth yeah that was cool that was cool dude i was ready to fuck like in in seventh grade i was dialed in to be a god a god not i don't want to like sidetrack this that is like hitler like 100% excuse me

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock. And we're back.

Thank you guys for listening. Thank you for watching. I know your health is getting better. How are you feeling today? I feel fucking amazing. I feel fucking amazing. I'm so ready for that 10K. My hips don't work right now. 10K? 5K, 5K, 5K. I ran 3.2 miles in 32 minutes, roughly.

Today, okay, so I have some work to do but it's crazy how your brain works when you run because it is like being on a roller coaster You just think clear thoughts ready? Yeah, number one number one. This is I was listening to a podcast Are you familiar with the Victorian age?

I'm not like well versed in it. Well, let me catch up. Okay. The Victorian age is when Queen Victoria became queen. Oh. She had her Jubilee ball, which means she was queen for 50 years. And I was thinking comedians should get, we should do like a quinceanera for comedians. When you get to 20 years, when you get to 30 years. You get a celebration. Yeah, there should be like a celebration. We need to bring back the Friars Club. Yeah, man. We need a community again. Yeah, it's kind of fractured. Yeah. Wait, were black people let in the Friars Club? Yeah.

I don't know. Because I don't remember a lot of black guys in the front. I think it was like an old Jewish man's thing. It was like, it's New York, right? It's New York. Yeah, I mean, I feel like that was the base. But I don't know if they excluded...

It was just like they're friends. It was like... I went to a club one time, like one of those Soho houses for a meeting and my manager showed up. I went to the Friars Club. You went to... I've never been to the Friars Club. Yeah, yeah, I went there. I would love to be in the Friars Club. Yeah, it was cool. How come... Is it dead? No, it was in New York and somebody took me there for a meeting because they belonged. Yeah. Who? Who?

- Like a business guy. It wasn't like an entertainment guy. - Oh, for real? Did you see any old school dudes in the steam room? - No, they just have really cool old photos, paintings, mementos and stuff like that. - Top five best old ethnicities.

Just as an ethnicity. When you run into that ethnicity, like white old is kind of creepy. Right. White old is like, there's some bodies under there. Yeah. It's dark. Ironically, it's dark. Old black men have to be number one. They're really fun. Their hands. Best. I just meant the stories they have. No, their hands. Old black hands.

If I could get old black, do you ever hear Stan Hope's joke about, I can't do it. I'm sure he's put it out, about he hates old people. He hates old people, but he's getting old. That's like being a racist and slowly getting black. Stan Hope's so fucking funny. Yeah, he's great. Old black hands are number one. And by the way, black men go gray so good.

Well, they also, I mean, it's like an old cliche thing, but they just age better, man. They just. They do. They do. And their stories are better. They slow down. Get me my nerve pills. Yeah, there's dudes like, I mean, even someone like Eddie Murphy, isn't he like 60? No. Yeah. Eddie Murphy's got to be, oh, I guess. Yeah, but you look at him and you're like, what? Wait, Eddie Murphy's older than Marc Maron?

How old is he? How old is Eddie Murphy? Mark Maron's older than Eddie. He's 62 years old, man. See how old Mark Maron is? Mark Maron's as old as Eddie Murphy? Two years younger. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's white versus black right there. Oh my God. Yeah. No offense, Mark. I'd much rather be Eddie. Yeah, well, I mean. I'm sure Mark would too. I, yeah, I mean, you're not going to look like that at 62. Okay, okay. I mean, you're not going to look like Eddie. Top seed are black men, right? They're up there, yeah. Okay, Asian? Asian?

Sure, but I mean, Asian's pretty broad. Do you mean like specific? Footnote, 10 smallest dicks on the planet. Footnote that. Footnote that. I just learned. The 10 smallest countries with the 10 smallest dicks. 10 smallest countries? No, the 10 countries, but they're actually large countries with the smallest dicks. I don't think you're going to be shocked. Who did the research? I did the research last night. I love when my brain goes, who's got the smallest dick in the world? Can I tell you something? This is a total kind of a sidebar here. What?

Seriously? So you know the thing we did yesterday? Yeah. Dude, your dick looked really nice. Thank you. Thank you very much. And I didn't even prop it up. I didn't even pump it. I know. Thank you so much. Were you feeling it? No, just regular old dick. I almost pulled my dick out when Natasha took her shirt off.

That's cool. I almost, cause I felt like a camaraderie when she ripped her shirt off. If you don't know Natasha Leggero followed me at the improv and then ripped her shirt off. You can find it online. You can definitely find it online. Her and Jason Kelsey. But I mean like you had some good hang. Thank you. We have the same dick. Well, we do. Wait, does yours get smaller than it was yesterday? Yes. Okay.

My dick, my dick at times. So there was like decent weight to it yesterday. A little bit, yeah, a little bit. I think it's the shoes I'm wearing. What do you mean? I think I'm wearing fancy shoes. Yeah. I'm like, I'm not wearing flip-flops because it's raining. Yeah. And so I think when I stand a little taller, my dick just goes, okay. And hangs a little lower. Yeah, I got you. Okay. My balls have been, my balls are non-existent since testosterone. They've been shrinking? They're like a coin purse, like just, I mean, I can't find them sometimes. I just search for them.

You know when you pick corn out of a salad because you don't like corn? Yeah. That's how I feel eating my balls. I do that with olives. I'm on so many topics right now. This is kicking me in the dick. Really? Back to old men. Back to this is we're going to and then we're going to do. Old men. Hold on. We never even finished Victorian age. Yeah. We.

We haven't gotten to, like, those kings when they get old look old as fuck. You don't want to be an old white man. No. I mean, I guess I do want to be an old white man, but it's like there's a certain age where you're like, oh, God. Like Cuban, old Cuban men have a good look. Yeah, it's kind of, that's true. They have old Italian men, especially if they're from, like, Milan or Naples. Like, they still, they just fucking...

They care about what they look like. That's the thing. You got to care. I think white American aging men just throw in the towel. They just go like, yeah, fuck it. It's over. Yeah. And if you have that mentality, then you're okay with looking like shit. And over for some reason in those cities, they're just like, no, you take pride in your appearance first.

I think, okay, you ready for this? This is going to be borderline racist. Yeah, that's my favorite type. Go ahead. I think old white men believe they deserve to be old white men. I think old black men are like, I can't believe I made it here. Wow.

Wow. That's actually very insightful. Really relish in it. Like any old black man has beaten so many fucking odds in his life that when you see them and they're smoking a cigarette and they got a fucking drink in their hand. Yeah. God damn it, man. Why isn't there a podcast to old black men? Let's do it. You want to produce one? Let's get two old black men and just, yeah, we'll produce it and we'll give them topics.

What were the topics? I can't wait till Cam and Mace get old. Yeah, that'd be great. They're going to be there because they're like, what? Okay. New subject. How old, how old is a, okay. At what age does a white man get old? And at what age do you consider a black man getting old? That's, that's a good, that's a good question because a lot of white guys like at 50 feel old. 55, 55, old, old. Yeah.

But again, it's your outlook. It's the way you approach things. Oh, it's culture. Yeah. Black culture is a youthful culture. And so you look at Cameron, he's still dressed as cool as shit. Yeah. And still has like, he might consider himself an old head, but he's like still a young dude. He's probably what, in his 40s? He's got to be 48. How old's Cameron? God, if I'm older than Cameron, that's really sad that he wrote music that I connected to and I was older than he was. He's 47. 47. Yeah.

He was a good-looking man, dude. You should rock exactly what he's wearing in that photo Okay, pink fur with the flip phone diamond rings. He got shot you could do that I wouldn't mind getting shot be great press is badass. Yeah, like a nice shoulder wound or something Yeah, and then and then I still do the show that's not I'm not putting that out there. So don't know when shoot me Okay. Yeah, I'm do that. All right Asian men old Asian men like mr. Miyagi

They seem like they'd be wise. Wise, cool kind of swag of like, I've lived, I know a lot of things. And also they seem a lot more stoic than any other race. Yeah. Okay. How about let's separate whites. What about old Slavic men? Tough. Fucking hair coming out their nose and ears. Yeah, they always feel tough. Gray, thick hair, dirty fingernails. Yeah. Like you wouldn't say like, I have a cramp in front of an old Slavic man. My calf's cramping. They get baby arms and don't even notice it.

Yeah. They have like ailments that they just go. Yeah. You don't complain. Old Hawaiian men. Same. Like tough. I feel like they're very tough. Is white the softest race? Well, who's going to be softer than an old white or just any white? You're thinking of American white. Okay. Yeah. Canadian white's a little tougher. Cold as shit. Cold as shit. And they have to fight moose all the time. Do they? Well, they're always on moose or meese. Moose?

Mooses? Yeah. Mooses are everywhere. They're really everywhere. It's not meese. It's the moose. Yeah. Mooses are everywhere. Mooses are everywhere. Bears, elk. Fucking, it's amazing that people settled in Canada. Remember I showed you that bear eating that guy's face? And you can see it like it's stuck and then it's like his nose goes flying off.

Isla and I were listening to, we listened to these survival podcasts when we drive to school. Yeah. And the hardest I've seen this kid laugh, and it's your laugh, was the guy goes, so the bear attacked me and I was trying to get my bearings and figure out what was going on. And I looked down and I was trying to collect myself and I realized, oh, on the ground, that's my goatee. Yeah. And Isla went and started laughing hysterically. It's his goatee. Yeah, his lips were on the ground.

His fucking, he was like, I picked up my ear and my lips and my face. I don't want to be killed by an animal on my own territory. Yeah. Like I want to be in their territory. We're talking about two different videos, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. One is a guy who's definitely dead. Yeah.

You're watching him die and a sloth bear is eating... How does Instagram allow that? I don't know. And how do you get into... I've gotten into a thread before where I wish I could keynote the thread. I got into breastfeeding videos once and I was like, there's one breastfeeding video, I think I might have showed it to you, where the kid kind of creeps you out. Yeah. Like he's sucking his mom's tit and he's a little too old and he's like, winks at the camera. He's like 11. He's like 11. Yeah. But I've been in breastfeeding videos. I've been in the... Have you been in the...

I really love a roast beef sandwich videos where the girl's got her phone.

She goes, I don't know. Oh, he drops it? And then drops it on her pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then goes, I love roast beef sandwiches. I love, I love, I, every time, it's the funnest thing is try to screen grab that moment. Yeah. And see their cooch. Yeah. The, how can they allow, I've seen so many death videos on Instagram. I wish like one of the, you know how like Joe has had, like he used, he had what's his name on the guy that ran Twitter before and like. Oh, yeah.

Jack Dorsey. Yeah, yeah. It's like, why can't... I don't know. No one has asked Zuckerberg. I guess it's Zuckerberg, right? Because Meta owns Instagram. Like, why are we allowed to upload horrific deaths and watch them? But you cannot...

write a word or say a word makes no sense it makes you can see the most print i mean i saw two disabled people on a scoot scoot you know like a meet me and they're there's they're meeping across the street in the crosswalk like and a van just plows through them and they go flying and you're like

this is my good morning from Instagram. He needs to step up his fucking game. Yeah. Well, like where's the, so that's fine. You just saw two people die, get hit by a van, disabled people. But then if someone's like fucking Biden, I don't know. They're like, Oh, mute that. Your, your accounts delete. Like what the fuck is this problem? It doesn't make any sense. There's no, what's I've learned this in an, in a speech in ninth grade.

- My dad gave me the verbiage, there's no distinction for their bias. Like there's no distinction for their bias. My speech was about lowering the drinking age to 18. - That's the drinking age in a few places, right? - No. - No, not in the, well in the States it used to be in a couple places. - Really? - Yeah. - Oh yeah, when I was a kid you could drink it in New Orleans at 18. - There you go. - I remember that, that was fucking great. - And then I think, isn't Mexico 18 or something?

And places in Europe, I mean. Yeah. What are the drinking ages around the world? What's the lowest drinking age? Yeah. The majority is 18. There you go. The brain is still maturing. 15 in Mali and Central Africa, African Republic. Yeah. Wow. 15. That's not a place you want to wake up hungover. Central Africa. Yeah.

at 15 you wake up with a wig on you're like wait what the fuck did i do is this a man's liver in my hand holy shit look at that oh god ours is so lame russia's 18 there's all those are 18 and then what's the youngest it's 15 right 15 in africa and yeah in mali and central they live harder there yeah i would think so

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on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Do you ever see the stories about Sierra Leone where the kids are just snorting brown brown and just to get through their day? No. Can you imagine being seven years old just being like, fuck, fuck, we're eating.

Seven years old and somebody gives you like an AK-47. There's a civil war going on. No, it's fucking insane. Oh my God. Well, tell us more about the Victorian era. Okay. So you're going to like this a lot. So Queen Victoria is like not supposed to be the queen. And then like so many people die, she ends up becoming the queen. She ends up slut shaming her best friend. Not cool. Not cool. And then the lady dies and the whole country turns on her. So then she marries her cousin, Prince Albert, not to do with the thing in his cock.

I think that's their kid. Yeah. But, um, and Prince Albert, I love this. When they argue, he writes her a letter explaining why she was wrong. And then she has to write a letter explaining how she understood that she was wrong. She's the fucking queen. Yeah. Explaining. And then once he received her letter, he'd read it and he found it acceptable. He give her a certificate of growth. Really fucking love it. I fucking want to bring that back so bad.

She called him daddy or no. She called him master and he called her like that. He called her baby or something.

- I was watching this thing about your guy, Hitler, and there's this-- - Thought you were gonna say Winston Churchill. - That was fascinating to me, which was that they so feared his cabinet, all the high ranking guys, Himmler, Goebbels, all those guys so feared disappointing him or telling him bad news. They were so scared to give him bad news

that towards the end of the war, when it was clear that they were losing battles, when he was like, how's that going in like Poland and Russia? They'd be like, great. And he's like, are we making, like we're making progress? And they're like, absolutely. We just need to send some more supplies and troops, but it's going well. And they were, they knew that they were losing and that it was, and they were like so scared. They were just like, it's going very well. And like their air force was completely collapsed and they were like, yeah, we just got to keep going. It sounds like s**t.

Agents and managers. It does though. You know, when they're like, you know, everyone's ticket sales are low. Omaha is a tough market to break. It's true though. There's so many people. There's agents and managers. Are scared. Are they scared of the night of the long knives? They're scared. You're right. Yeah. It's true. There's, it's so easy to be a yes man. Yeah. So it's so easy to be like, I would definitely be one of those Nazis.

Yeah. Do not isolate that audio. I would definitely be, do you think you'd have enough pushback to be able to tell Hitler? I would never. I'd be like, you're doing great boss. No, I think it's pretty clear that everybody was like, there's a reason that they all were saying that they were super scared. It was more like they weren't like, I don't think they were scared of like, you know, his physical violence or anything. They were just like, I can't be the one to deliver the real news to this guy that it's, that it's not going well. I would love to have that kind of power.

I told you today I had an idea for our poor Osos it's probably already done we've already done it hopefully we've done it dressing up as a gimp and man I do not have a Himmler in my bed I got a Winston Churchill you don't know how to read that's what he told Queen Elizabeth

Like was like had like a third grade education mm-hmm and she was a queen and and imagine and Winston Churchill had to be like Okay, so you understand we own all these places right she was like I what does that mean? Really she was she cuz at a certain age. They're like yo you're gonna be the Queen You know you don't need to learn how to read more don't math is done. No algebra. No trigonometry. Yeah, I

You need to learn how to curtsy and not make eye contact. Right. And so that's what they teach them. And so then when complicated things came up, she was like, what's that all about? And then she took it upon herself to try to learn. And it kind of fucking creeped out all the dudes in parliament. They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this bitch doing? Yeah. She's got an opinion. Yo, Elizabeth curtsy to us real quick. Yeah. Why don't you write a legit letter of apology and we'll give you a certificate of growth. That is so fucking. Why don't you start issuing those? Oh,

I would love that. You can. No, we're the exact opposite. What do you mean? I, if Leanne and I fight, I figure out what I did wrong. Always. I always did. I wanted to talk to you about this. Put a pin in small sticks in the world. I had a moment of growth this morning. I stayed in bed beating myself up over me, about me, not liking me.

And I had a moment where I realized the time in life, two times in life that are very powerful in my moment in life. One was about shame because I never really, and one was about joy. I'll go to joy. Shame's stupid. I think I've talked about it before, but like,

There was a point in seventh grade I was really cool. I was really cool in seventh grade. And I was really happy. I'm not a very deep person, so I don't think a lot about life. And I was even less in seventh grade. I just was about, I liked the clothes I wore. I liked my hair. I was on varsity football, varsity baseball, or JV football, JV baseball. I was a great athlete. I was hanging out with eighth graders.

Like, and I, and I was like, it's a big, it's a big boost. It was a, and I knew ninth graders, like ninth graders. I remember this ninth grader let me drive his car and in seventh grade, like I was cool as fucking shit. And I was happy as fuck. Like I was just always happy. Yeah. I remember this girl said to the first girl I ever kissed too. It was the best kiss of my life. First kiss. Seventh grade. Seventh grade. Best kiss. I kissed her like four times.

Open mouth. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I only started open mouth. You started open mouth? I started. There was no like... Fuck no. I went after it. Nice. That was cool. That is cool. I was cool as fuck. Dude, I was ready to fuck. Like in seventh grade, I was dialed in to be a god. A god. Dude, I don't want to like sidetrack this. That is like Hitler. Like...

I mean, there's a lot of similarities. Hitler had a lot of road bumps. Dad was an alcoholic. Well. He was Jewish. So then in seventh grade, said to me, no one's this happy. You're hiding something. And I really wasn't. Yeah, you were. I was dumb. I was dumb. I was like Forrest Gump. I was really like, I don't know what she was saying. And then I realized all the cool kids had like an issue.

they had like a parents were split up or they were like brooding yeah so i watched cool kids brood and i started to look for my brewing yeah i started to look for my troubled and then i remember being like fake it was a lie but i'd be like like stuff like that because that's what they did oh to like match their energy and and like oh you're doing this so i should do it too yeah and then i started and and i think this is something i'm working to get through

My whole life, I started caring what people thought of me. I never cared what anyone thought of me. At that age. At that age. And in seventh grade, I started caring. Eighth grade, I didn't care.

Eighth grade, I was really cool. But I could feel it falling apart because I was like, I wasn't being authentically me. Or at least when you think you're that cool, you're oblivious to the fact that you're not. You know? Yeah. Which is great. It's so fucking beautiful. My question to you is...

When did you... Because you authentically don't care what people think about you. That's not true. You do. No, of course I care. No, you don't. I care less. Okay, let's go to the wrestlers. So when you got lit up, the wrestlers. Yeah. And I remember...

So the way my brain works is I won't, I may, I may not like wrestling, but I would be afraid to share that because I wouldn't want to alienate someone who likes me because I'm afraid, I'm afraid they wouldn't like me. And then I, and then so, and then I just start researching wrestling and try, you know, like. Yeah. I think that specifically, I can give you an insight on that. Okay. That's genuine. Okay.

I genuinely thought they were retarded. Like when I did that, hold on, hold on. And I was like, who cares about these, you know, these fucking morons. But, and then wait, wait, wait, wait though. But I think. I feel that way too, but I stop. But here's why this is my, this is where I've evolved. This is where I've evolved. As I've,

the last few years, what I started to get was, I think, some perspective on this, where I started to realize that people who enjoy things that are not for me, I started to go like, oh, I'm being an asshole. And that, no, no, I'm serious. I swear to God. To me, this was insightful. I go, I started to see how it's all the same, how it's literally, it's all the same. It's just...

enjoying an NFL game and enjoying Disneyland and enjoying WWE, it's all the same. Hold on. It's all the same. It's all the same. It's just something that somebody goes, this gives me fulfillment. You can make arguments about the nuances, but those are like, it's kind of a waste of energy. And I used to make that argument more. And now I see that whether you like the, like if you like hip hop and that's cool, or you like,

folk music and that's not it's like it's it's the same it's it's something that you're listening to that gives you joy or fulfillment so I I didn't really have that perspective I would always just go like now like that shit sucks and I still have that I still feel that but I I get it more like when I see wrestling now I don't even have the same

instinct that I used to have. It actually has faded in me. And it, like, I just go like, oh, I get it. Like, I see people screaming and cheering. It's like, yeah. And if you go to like,

If you put the camera on the Taylor Swift crowd and the WWE crowd and the NBA crowd, they all look the same in the crowd. Like they're all have the same emotion. So there's just like a different thing. But like, I just used to want to point out that I think this is, but I realized that it's actually just, it's all the same thing that you're going for. You're going for some enjoyment and fulfillment.

So I always, so my perspective was I always envied those people. The people that. Everyone that had things. Yeah. I envied. I envied girls who cut. Okay, wait. Cause, cause I was like, I was like, they got something. Like I didn't have anything. Oh yeah. Like I didn't have anything. I didn't have anything authentic that like was like.

That was me. Like I like, I like football. I was, I was bummed that I couldn't smoke. Like when in high school, when kids were smoking, I was like, yeah, let me try. And I couldn't, like, I would try to inhale and I'd be like, and I would just go into a coughing fit. And I was like, do you hold it? They're like, no, you got to pass it down. Like,

You know, I couldn't do it. And so like, I was like, God, I wish I could smoke. Did you, were there, were there people you identified as cool people and you'd look at them from afar and stare at them and go, I wish I was like that. Yeah, of course. For real? Yeah. But like, I think that happens in, you know, especially like the years you're talking about in like middle school, high school. That's the thing is like,

Because you have the cooler kid. Sometimes they're in your class, but especially like an older kid. You're like, oh, like the way they dress, the way they carry themselves, the way they speak to people, the things they do. I still do that.

I still look at people and go like, uh, like Jesselnik. I remember one time he just walked into the back bar. Jesselnik's gotta be like 37, right? What, how old is Jesselnik? I'm just saying he's much younger than me. And he came back to the back bar and he had a girl with them and she was really pretty. And he was like, he was just so cool. Like he just came back and he like dapped me up and was like 45, 45. Yeah. Jesus. He looks good. Yeah. It's got a nice head of hair. God damn. Is it real? It's real. Isn't it?

Looks like it. That's fucking annoying. I mean. But like he came back and he was just really cool. Or Freddie Gibb. Yeah. Freddie Gibb one time came back and like he was nice and he was cool. And I'm a grown up. I'm a grown up. I mean, for lack of better words, I'm a, Becker words, I'm a successful grown up. Uh-huh.

Theoretically, someone should be looking at me going, God, man, I wish I was that cool. But I'm sitting there going like, God. Because I was thinking about what we were talking about, your enthusiasm when meeting anyone. And I remember, I don't know if I said it or not, when you were like, oh, but when you told me how I manage it well, like celebrity. Is it real? Yeah.

Well, I think there's a reason why you think I manage it well. What's that? I don't give a shit about meeting them. Yeah, I know that. Well, right. So I'm not putting on... I'm not like being cool. I'm just like, I don't care that I'm meeting you. Okay, so how do you get to there? But there are people that I would be... Like what happened to you...

that made you that person. There's just, I have, I have less, I'm still getting, I'm, there's people I would nerd out on. I think my window is,

for who I get excited about is just much more narrow than yours. You said you get excited if you run into a TikToker that you've seen. Yeah, I would definitely be like, I don't, you know, I might not even know who they are probably. And I- I walked through one time, I don't know, I can't remember when this was, but I was in LA and I walked through a hotel and Dave Portnoy was at a table and he stood up and was like, Bert. And I went and I said to who I was with, can you believe he knows who I am? And they were like, yeah.

I'm like you in that though. I go, I go, I can't believe Dave Portnoy, this billionaire, millionaire, fucking media guy who really, he's like you, I think, because he does not give a fuck. He's like you. I want to be like that. Like, I don't want to be like that. But I like who I am. But like, I want, I'm trying to get to like,

I think your enthusiasm in general is a really good quality. I think what you do is something you probably don't think is cool, but it is cool, which is that you inspire people

other people that are adults to go, oh yeah, look, like, look how he's showing his enthusiasm. Cause adults kind of restrict their enthusiasm. They pull it, they rein it in. Cause they're like, I don't want to, that's like a kid quality, but it's natural for you. So I would never want it to go away because it's who you are. So, okay. So we'll just dig a little deeper. Okay. And this is now why here's the, the, the deeper thing to it. Like that I thought about, I'm like, oh,

Why do you care to show the person who I don't even think you're really that excited to meet that you're excited to meet them? That's the thing that I think about. Are you actually excited to meet all of these people or you just feel like you feel an obligation to show them? No, it starts welling up in me. Really? Yeah. And I can't control it. Well, then it's who you are. I DM Shannon Doherty this morning.

Okay, what did you send her? I don't know. I had Leanne reread it, write it for me. Why did you DM her? Because I'm following her journey through breast cancer. Oh, Jesus. And it's like super inspiring. Yeah. But then like, so like you would, so this is, okay, this is a great difference. You would see this. It's really fucking, first of all, I mean this for real. I am at best a casual Shannon Doherty fan.

like i'm not like i don't have her posters up i liked 90210 i didn't watch witches of eastwick but like i know it was a show sure and uh and but i'm watching her tell her story about

Going through breast cancer and and now it's spread it spread and she's talking about her funeral and she doesn't want to have a funeral It's but it but it's like it's really brave and then all of a sudden I turn into this like fucking diehard Shannon Doherty fan and then I Get like I got I get a cup of coffee and a zin in me and I'm like I got a DM er Yeah, like I wouldn't you would never DM her like

Like I would, and then, and then I'm, I don't even know what the fuck DM says, but I'm sure it's inappropriate. You think it's inappropriate? I'm sure it's, you know, the way I fucking DM and you've read my DMs. I can't fucking, but, but, but like, that's something I would do is reach out, like randomly reach out and then go like, I don't know. I, it, it, it, it overwhelms me. Let's go deeper. Okay. Let's go deeper. So, uh,

You know, I've said this, I've shared this on a few places, but I have this thing of, and I'm trying to get to like, are these, are you conditioned to feel this way? Or are these things that you can work through in therapy? Because it happened to you. This is a very crazy fucking moment in my life.

I was 10 years old or 11 years old. Wrestling was really big in our group of friends. And we were in the outfield. I'm sure I've told you this story. And they were doing, I was like the youngest out there. And these guys were doing all the wrestling moves on me. And I was just scared because I was the youngest kid. And at one point, they pile drive me, put me in like a figure four leg lock. And a guy took out a pair of scissors. Have I told you this story? I don't think so. And he cut my hair. Now, I'm 11. I'm 11.

I'm in the outfield. I really honestly was just like, I just don't want to get stabbed in the eye. Like I was just in survival mode. Yeah. And I was like, and I was like, Hey, whatever. Oh, okay. That hurt. You know, like, Oh, flip me down. Okay. And like, they're doing wrestling moves to me. I'm just trying to get the fuck out of there. I get in the car with my dad. I felt no, I felt no shame in anything that happened out there. Not even getting, I got my haircut, not like bad, but like they cut lock. It's like a wrestling thing. Yeah.

And my dad got in the car with me and I was sitting in the front seat. I was oblivious. And my dad goes, they cut your fucking hair. And I was like, oh yeah. And he goes, weren't you humiliated? How the fuck could you let them do that? And I, then I felt shame. Yeah, sure. Then I felt shame. I didn't feel it. I was like, fuck it, dude. Let's just survive. Yeah. And then in that moment I was like, fuck. And then that has stuck with me my entire life. That is,

And it's a mantra that I've said. It's when Ari drugged me, it was the, you think I'm weak.

And because in my life, I'm always just trying to like not stir the boat. I don't like confrontation. So I don't want to stir the water. I just go, I don't want to stir the pot. It's a fucking nine things different, but like, I don't want to stir the pot. I don't want to like get into it. And like there have been people, you know, specifically who have wronged me that I will tell you privately, I will go off on, but I would never, I would easily accept their apology and

and I would easily move past it as opposed to me then standing up for myself and going, no, fuck you. That apology, you fucked me. I won't accept. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think, oh, first of all, I mean, the first thing you said was like, is this something you can work through in therapy? So my question was, have you talked about this in therapy before? Yeah. I feel like it's something that is perfect for it. But it's almost like, I want to say you get taught it as a child

And then all of a sudden you like get into these self-fulfilling prophecies where in a weird way, I don't know if it's like, if you seek those people out and you surround yourself by people. Oh, I see what you mean. You know, like I go, and then I go,

And look, my dad was an amazing dad. He still is an amazing dad. He gave me a lot of great qualities. I have to say that only because that makes it sound like a bad dad. But he told me, you kill it under pressure, which I don't know if it was real or not, but I love pressure now because of that. And so all of a sudden, I love pressure. I love being put in a pressure situation. I love getting a big, long read in front of a lot of people and doing it live. I love that shit. I love it because my dad taught me at a young age, whether it's real or not,

When all the chips are on the table, that's when you perform. But at the same time, I got the shame shit. And then in a weird way, just like I sometimes seek out pressure, I wonder if I seek out those bad people. And so I'm trying to get to like, I would love, I don't want to lose who I am and start not getting excited by people, but I would love a little bit of not giving a fuck.

Because I think when you give too many fucks, all of a sudden you get, you don't even know what is real anymore. I guess, I mean, this is very deep, but do you think you really give a fuck about some of this stuff? Like, let's say meeting these people, or is it that you feel almost like this...

I need to do this for them. I feel like when I'm with you and I see you interact with people, that it's almost like an extension, like a kind thing you're doing. Like, I'm gonna make this person feel great about me.

whoever they are and what they like. Because you always like are showering the person with like, you know, oh my God, you're amazing. And that's actually a nice thing to do for them, right? It makes them feel like, oh, wow. Like, you know me from this, you know me from that. It's almost like maybe you want that reciprocated too, right? Like you're kind of balancing it out. You're telling them- Maybe I'm doing that to get it back. Maybe, I don't know. But I also feel like what you're saying about like-

you know, seeking out, I don't, I don't, I mean, you would have more insight on it from your life, but like, it doesn't seem like you're somebody that seeks out these people that were, that will be abusive or confrontational or. Yeah. But I can name like,

three solid bullies in my life that I've... But current? No, not right now. That's what I'm saying. It's like you, you know, some of this is also like a evolving life process. But like, okay. Because I've been around a bully that you've been around before too. But it's like... Two of them. But you've...

moved on I have moved on I have moved on so I would say I would say that if that were a thing it'd be like that took me a long time and you know that there was a period of times where you wouldn't answer my call because you're like I know what this is about that's true I know there was I know there was I know there was but I'm saying that I remember hearing you exhale one time when I started and I was like I'm doing this too often I don't think so

But I'm saying, wouldn't you commend yourself for the fact that I just asked you who's like that now? And you're like, well, there's nobody like that now. So that's like... I'm pretty insulated though. I've gotten pretty insulated. I'm a little bit like Hitler. I've got... I'm pretty insulated. There really are so many similarities between you and him. But... But...

Yeah, you have your own bubble, right? Yeah. That you travel with, but then everybody does also. It's not like just you. Yeah. Do you think you're making yourself feel too safe? Do you feel... Because you have... Ultimately, you've gotten these same people that I would say that were... I'll use bully as a broad term. Yeah. So I think they...

You think they leverage your friendship into unhealthy places. Is that the fair way to say it? Sure. But you've been friends with these exact people too. And so I was always like, I felt like I was drawn to them. You were around them too. You've kind of distanced yourself. But you've distanced yourself in like a, you were the first one to be like, oh, fuck that guy. Yeah, because I think it's normal in life to run into people

toxic people like that's just part of life there's part of life if you are you know participating in life society friendships business you're gonna meet some what kind of people what kind of people do you gravitate towards do you find where you go you know what like where's your hiccup like where's where's the where's the thing i want to find the broken part of you

Oh, come on. You know what's broken about it. Well, I know the broken parts. But what's the thing where you go, how come I always have fucking? I mean, I've gotten so much better at this thing. Yeah. Which is I used to feel a certain way and be unhappy with somebody, whether it's personal or professionally, and I just suck it up. And I just go, I guess that's what I deserve, right? Yeah.

That's what, and the difference now is like right away when I go, oh man, this, this sucks. Like personally or professionally, I just go, I'm not going to do this. So I'll, it's, it's really like if you want to strip it down to its basics, it's acknowledging that you feel a certain way and, and,

saying it as opposed to going man i feel this way and i'll just keep feeling this way that's what i do well but that's the that's the work right because i don't know that that comes i don't know if it's fair to say that that comes completely naturally to anyone i think it's learned or taught and worked on like i i had to work on it did bush help you like see things

Yeah, she's good. I mean, because she's done a lot of work in that regard too. She's really good. I feel like she's done more work than... Like her and Leigh-Anne have done more work than me and you have done. But I mean, for me, I would say, you know, I credit also... It's great that she definitely...

would would observe like more observe me than like whatever my situation is just like well you're clearly feeling this way but i also would say that therapy that's why i brought i think therapy is fantastic yeah that's why i would you know when you're saying all these things i'm like this just is like perfect for you to dive but to dive i wonder if people are listening and going like oh yeah there's definitely people relating to this a thousand percent

- A thousand percent. - Do you think everyone's listening to this going, "Get to the 10 smallest dicks." - A few people are for sure. - Okay. - And they're mostly guys. - We should do 10 smallest dicks. I have the list. - Okay. - I have the list. - This is by Nation? - Yeah. - Okay. - I bet you could guess five without even doing any fucking thought.

Kenya, Nigeria, South Africa, Sierra Leone. Nope. Nope. Okay. Hold on. Let me go to all my cloud. You got the list up? Yup. So it's basically, you're telling me that the stereotypes are basically correct. That's what you're saying. The only one that's curious is why North Korea and South Korea aren't next to each other.

There are different on there. Wow. I know. Hmm. 10 smallest dicks. Number 10. Is it at you ready for this? Yeah. At 4.3 inches average. Okay. Is that flaccid or erect? It's erect. It's not flaccid. No one measures a dick flaccid. No, they do. Who? If you look up like average dick size, they'll go flaccid erect. Oh, these are, these have to be erect. Okay. They have to be erect. Okay. Okay. And by the way, this is the size of mine. Flaccid.

10? Number 10? Number 10. Which is? 4.3 inches. It's an island. Okay. It's an island. Is it... Oh, okay. Philippines. Philippines.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. This should be a game show. Wow. Yeah. Why isn't there a game show called Stereotypes where you go, guys, we're going to play a game. We need you to be the most horrible version of yourself to win money. Here's how you do it, too. You don't try to pitch it to a network. You just put it on like Instagram or TikTok or something. And you have three ethnicities all playing for money. Yeah. So they've got to be. 4.3, though, is number 10. Now we're going to get smaller. We're getting smaller. Okay. Yeah.

at, it's also 4.3. Oh, it's a tie. It's a tie. Give me a hint like you did in the last one. South Korea. Okay. Okay, because by the way, I don't know what North Korea, I guess maybe it's their food, but North Korea is not even, we haven't even mentioned North Korea yet. No, we haven't. No. South Korea, and then. What's the length of number eight? They're all, this is 4.1 inches. Okay. And any hint? Two words. Two words. Two words.

It's going to be a tough one. Oh, it is? It is. But only, like, when I say it, you'll go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that is an Asian country. Okay. Just give it to me. Sri Lanka. Oh, Sri Lanka. Okay. Sri Lanka at 4.1 inches. They're getting smaller. Okay. Okay. Number seven. Your dad ran into a lot of these people. Vietnamese. Yep. Wow. And what's that length? Four inches. Four. Four. The average Vietnamese cock is four inches long. Okay. Erect. Erect.

And then your dad probably stepped on a few of these people too. Japanese? No. North Koreans? No. They just didn't know borderlines at the time. Oh. Chinese? No. That's not even close to Vietnam. Your dad was in Vietnam and then they were like, go left. And he was like, fuck, I think we're in Laos. Laos. Good call. And Laos is, yes, four inches.

Coming in at number five, there was like a, okay, this is how little I know about history and how much I know about history. Okay. There was a huge ethnic cleansing here. Huge. Oh, Pol Pot? No. What? Myanmar. Oh, Jesus. Myanmar at four inches. Okay. All these are four inches. We're getting into the three inches now. Okay. And let's just say they're not carrying a lot of cock up to Everest. Okay.

Nepal. Nepal at 3.9 inches. Wow. I know, right? Okay, your dad definitely killed some of these people too. And by the way, if he made a cock necklace, it would be pretty small. Okay. At 3.8 inches. 3.8. Where? I don't know where else he went. Because they were all over the map. I mean, they were in Okinawa. Wait, what was he doing in Okinawa? Training. Oh, really? Yeah. So he goes into Vietnam. He goes into Laos. And he's like, oops, I'm in...

Oh, God. I don't know. Cambodia. Cambodia. Yeah. He took a boat up there. That's Pol Pot. Okay. Okay. Now, you ready for this? Yeah. Number two at 3.8 inches. Jesus. Is this the North Koreans? North Koreans. Wow. I think it's their food shortages.

Makes their dick smaller. I think so. Yeah. It's crazy that he would allow them to measure their cocks and submit this. No, I know. Because they would probably be like, his dick is fucking 15 inches long. I would love to see his dick. I mean, I think it'd be pretty obvious, but it's not going to surprise you. I would fucking pay dear Kim Jong-un.

Do not ever drink with me because if you pass out, I'm looking at your cock. I'm looking at your cock. Yeah. I'm looking at your cock. I'm taking pictures of you with your cock. I'm fucking flicking it. Do you realize, by the way, of this whole list, even before you end it,

that, you know, it's an unfortunate stereotype and I guess reality, but like any group, there has to be guys in each of these countries with fucking hammers on them. Yeah. And how baller that is. I think it's the ones that moved to America. Like, but there's got to be just some dude...

A few. Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos that are like. This is the beauty of the internet. And wouldn't you love if they wrote in to the show and they were like, hey man, you know, like my name is Teen Tang or whatever and I got a fucking 10 inch dick. I would love pictures. I would love pictures and I won't share. Yeah. I'll just, I just want to see it. If you are. I do too. By the way, if you're North Korean, definitely send us a picture of your cock. And if you're on the list. If you're on the list.

If you're on the list and coming in at number one. Number one. Hint. Give me the hint. First of all, what's the size? 3.7. Okay. And all I'll say is it makes sense why you'd have sex with a lady boy. Thailand. Thailand. Wow. So now let's go to the internet and see the biggest Thai cock we can find. I want to see a big Thai cock. By the way, I'm not saying I have a big dick in this whole measurement. I do not have a big dick, but it's bigger than 3.7 inches. All right.

Oh, it's a lady boy. Of course. Oh, fuck. Oh, it's all lady boys. How about you just type in like big Asian dicks? Yeah, big Asian dicks. And we'll just say they're from Thailand. Because there's got. Oh, of course he's covered in tats. Look at this fucking guy. Look at that fucking hammer on that guy. Fuck yeah.

Extremely big Asian dick. You imagine though, like you're a girl and you're like, well, yeah, I know it's not going to be great. And then this fucking guy shows up. Dude, you could run the country. Yeah, you should. Look at that fucking guy. The guy that looks like he's from fucking blood sport. The guy squatting? Yeah. And it's hard? Sultry rooftop ass.

Young Asian guy with big dick, super fat what? Head or something. I don't know. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Or this right here. Man. Like these guys should run the world. You are, you know what you are? You're shooting stars. You're outliers. You're outliers. You're Malcolm Gladwell. Those two guys, Asian guys fucking. Yeah, we can't tell if it's big because it's buried in his ass. How fucking big is that hog? On the left there with the t-shirt up? Dude.

I gotta see his face. What he's he looks his skin color. That's not photoshopped. Can you zoom in? He's got like five countries averages tied together He's got big thick Asian dick Jesus Holy fuck Fuck oh, we go no no go to more Asian dicks. Yeah, no no no chat with them Cleno go to the thing go to that page now click out of that now scroll down and

Okay, these are the normal Asian dicks. By the way, that little boy right there, let's... Okay, never mind. All right, back up. Okay, this guy right here to the right, that's like probably a four-inch dick. It doesn't look bad. No, it doesn't look bad at all. It does not look bad. They call that boyfriend cock.

Boyfriend cock? That's what the girls call it. What's that supposed to mean? It means it's not, it's like you can still do stuff after. Oh. It's like, it's not going to ruin your day. Like that other, that dude from fucking Bluntsport is fucking your day up. Yeah, no, everything's... God, that's a, and his pubic hair is straight. Yeah, that's, honestly, that looks like a dick that should be in a museum, right? Like it's like... It doesn't even look like it's been touched. Back out to the other search before. Jesus Christ.

Who's this guy with the boxers right here? Look at the fucking... Where, where, where, where? Like on the second row, three from the right. This guy. Yeah. What the fuck is that? Dude. It's a thick cock. You know, look at his expression though. That guy's an asshole. You can tell he knows. He walks around all day like everyone thinks I have a fucking little skinny dick in here. You know? He does. He's like, nobody knows I got a fucking... He's walking around the chess tournament just like, fuck. What is it next to? Is that like a bottle of shampoo? Yeah.

yeah it's a bottle of lotion hand lotion he's like it's wider than this man god damn well if you're one of these guys you know write in let us know yeah and we love we love breaking stereotypes and we got a new game show coming out called stereotype that yeah it's like did you did you uh do you ever see the video do you think if you had a dick like that you would have even ended up in comedy i don't think you would no

No, I think that that goes back to all the things that add up to me. I said to Leanne today, I swear to God, I was on the toilet. Okay, thank you. And I said, I want to see some ladyboy dicks. Okay. I had someone on stage the other night, like, made real sense about, I think it might have been, I don't know who it was, but about watching trans porn. So wait, you get a dick that big and you decide to transition? I can understand transitioning with a small dick. But if you have a big dick, why do you transition? Yeah.

That first one is insane. That's insane. That's an insane deck. I wonder how much, because of what's going on in the sensory overload of looking at her face,

she's like with you and you're like no way and then all sudden you're like I don't know I guess I was just jerking it off I don't know what happened like I don't know I've never jerked off a female no but like I wonder I wonder if I was so if say Leanne dies in like a helicopter crash right I wonder if in when I start exploring my my that's pretty thick fuck then that smile too is what's really upsetting

you know what i mean you look up and you're like ah shit i wonder if like if like if i start dating if i just go like because i'm i'm 51 yeah who gives a fuck i don't care like i wonder if i go why not leanne's dead the love of my life's gone why not fuck a lady boy yeah

I mean, like, what do I care what people think? No. We already covered that. Oh, I do care what people think. Are you going to put it on fucking Instagram? No, but you know I'd tell you about it. Yeah, but I mean, I would give you a high five. Yeah. I'm not going to make you feel bad about it. For real? No. If I fucked a lady, like a Thai lady boy. I'd be like, that's cool. Yeah. But then you'd be like, and then I'd leave the green room and you'd be like, you know who I fucked. Yeah, I'd be like, no. I'd be like, Bert's badass, dude. Yeah.

He was crushing ladyboys on that trip. You know, can I tell you how mean I am? When he went to spread her ashes, he ended up fucking all these ladyboys. When I, this is, like, tell me if this, like, snagged you. In The Hangover 2, when Ed Helms gets fucked in the ass by a ladyboy and then he comes inside him. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't get past it. Oh, I finish inside you. That's right, yeah. He's like, oh. Yeah. I was like, one of those things where I was like, you got to tell your wife.

if you cheated on her with a girl, you'd have to tell her. Yeah. The dude fucked you in the ass and came inside you. Came inside you, yeah. Would you tell me that if that happened to you? If someone came inside me? If a lady boy did. If someone came inside me, I'd definitely tell you because I'd be like, dude, I just got came inside. It's crazy. Ha ha ha ha ha.

I would tell you someone came inside me before I told you it was a lady boy. Really? Oh, yeah. I'd probably tell them like hand in hand. Yeah. I know. I'd tell you I got came inside and then look at your face and then the reveal is don't worry. It was a lady. It was a lady boy. It wasn't just a dude. I'm not gay. No.

I could see you partying and having it happen and you being like, I don't know, dude. I don't think it really counts. When you wake up out of a blackout and you're like, oh, what the fuck? Yeah, just like that. Just like in the movie. My problem with having sex with a lady boy would be that... Cock? No, no, no, no. Who's dominant?

Like if she was like, suck my cock. And by the way, I'm saying ladybugs that would be happening in Thailand. Right. I should say a trans person. I don't think I'd fuck a trans person, but I would go. I could see that happening in Thailand. Yeah. Okay. Like this year on vacation. Yeah, it's fun. You're like fucking having cocktails. Sun's out. You've been to the four floors of whores, right? Okay. There's a place in, in.

Taiwan? Taiwan or Thailand? Have I been to Taiwan? I think you've been to Thailand. I think I've been to Taiwan. Oh. And there's a place called the fourth... Singapore. Singapore. Oh, I have been to Singapore. And they have the four floors of whores. And the first one is just like fucking... Or no, the first one's like strippers. And then the fourth floor is all ladyboys. That's what they call them. I'm using their terms. Okay. And so I could see...

I could see drunk, especially with a bunch of dudes. Like, I'd definitely grab a dick. Yeah, I've been. There you go. Oh, there you go. Four floors of whores. Yeah. Those are not whores. Yeah. I think that's the promoter.

Was this doing gigs? Yeah, I was doing stand-up. And then they were like, hey, do you want to go out? I was like, yeah, where? And they're like, do you like strip clubs? I was like, I fucking love strip clubs. And they're like, you ever want to go to the Four Floors of Whores? I was like, abso-fucking-lutely. And then they were like, this first floor is... Strippers? Google what the Four Floors of Whores are. I highly suggest it to anyone. It's an abandoned mall.

You know how in our country, when a mall goes south, it just sells sneakers and jerseys? Yeah. Well, in their country, they turn it into whorehouses. That's pretty cool. Yeah. And so the top floor is all ladyboys. And I was like, go straight there. That's all I want to see. Okay. It's Orchard Towers. And it's an old mall. And so they've got a sunglass hut.

But then there's just whores in there. And then they got a Yankee candle, but there's just whores in there. They got lids, but there's just whores in there. It's a real, it's a fucking. What does it say? The drop down. Does it say what the four floors are? No, it doesn't. I guess you could say what. One's like you can straight get jacked off. Cool. Like they got like massages and you can get jacked off. Cool.

Like they were like, do you want that? And I was like, no, I'm not cheating on my wife. I want to just fucking see this. The first club we, I don't know. That looks like the strip club level, right? But they definitely knocked a couple of drinks out of my hands because I was taking drinks from everyone. And they're like, dude, stop it. Stop it. Because I'm also walking around with a Rolex. Like I'm not, I'm not the best fucking traveler. Okay. I was walking around with fucking cash in my hand. I was like Pac-Man Jones and the four floors of horrors. Yeah. Yeah. So I was like, I want to see Cox.

yeah like i was like i don't care like i can go to a strip club and see tits it's cool it's fun but if you're telling me i can go and see fucking gorgeous chicks with hogs on them yeah i'm like i'm looking at that i didn't travel to fucking singapore for nothing totally man well four floors of whores man that you guys know singapore fantastic yeah burt burt's given uh is this it orchard towers orchard towers

Okay. It's known as the four floors of whores. Okay. Overview history. Let's see. Double murders. Okay. All right. That's cool. All right. Well, I think that's a good place to end on. Um, this was a good, good episode. This was fun. This was a good talk. It was a little, it was a little deep. I liked it. I like it. I like these conversations. I, I know that I can listen to a podcast and,

and I'll be like, I'll get into it. Like Theo's, sometimes he'll Theo's share things about like his recovery or stuff like that. Yeah. It's very heartfelt. And I was like, and I can, I can enjoy it. So I hope everyone enjoyed the conversation. So they did pinpoint your trauma. Try to be more like Tom, be less like me, unless you're drinking, then be just like me and do not be like Tom. And remember drink porosos, porosos, make friends. Bye guys. Bye. Love you. Love you.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.