What Kind of Car is Your Wife? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 213
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This week on Two Bears, One Cave. And the best is when you break someone's spirit. Yeah, that's true. Well, you know, I was cracking toilet seats left and right. Cracking the seats? I just land too hard on them. Leanne's going to hear this and be like, and be livid with me. 100%. Cheers. Cheers.

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on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. It's always fun when it's the show you tuned in for. With me, not as always, but I'm always happy to see him. One of the only celebrities that is outspoken about his support for Hamas, it is Bert Kreischer, everybody.

I just said to someone, I just said to someone, it's so nice to not know what's going on. It's like you see people, people are like, I don't even know, like they are in it. Like on their Instagram, they're hemorrhaging followers. They're fighting with people. Fuck you. I watched you climbing up a light post, ripping down flags and spray painting. Yeah, it's pretty wild, right? And I really am not really sincerely sure what's happening. Yeah, it's kind of nice, right?

Stay out of it. It must be like... That's a really bad analogy. Okay. Let's hear it. Nothing. Okay. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. It's wild. It's... Yeah. Shit's crazy, Tom. Shit is so wild. I'll tell you what I'm focused on. Shit is crazy right now. You just did like a... Shit's crazy. Yeah. The segue of every other...

Everyone's worried about their bit and they're like, so she's crazy right now? She's real crazy? I was looking at someone's Instagram feed today. I won't say her name because she was a very funny influencer. Married to a very famous actor. And she is fucking hard as... And as I read her post, I'm like, oh, I don't even know about that. I did a post about how beautifully my beard was dyed. What?

And I was like, wow, I'm out of touch. Yeah. It is nice though, right? Should I do it? I've never done it. No, no, no, no. So here's the key about dying a beard. Yeah. What a pivot. Right now, people are like, wow, they're really not going to talk about the Middle East at all. No.

The key about dying your beard is not dying at all. Right. It's about subtly dying it. Taking big patches. Like, you had a strong mustache. Yeah, this is all, everything is the way it is, right? You don't touch it at all? No. What is your, is your hair gray? I don't know. I haven't seen it in forever. What was the longest you let it grow out? Now? Yeah. A few days. Really? Yeah, four or five days. And you shave it yourself? Yeah. Clippers or razor? I use the electric one.

You know, where your hand molds to it. Yeah. And I just go in the shower. For real? Yeah. Because it's easy. It gets really smooth. I can't believe I still have any hair. You always cover it up, though. Yeah, I know. Because it just looks perfect. It looks perfect with the hat on? It looks fine with the hat on. But it's thinning. But I can cheat it.

I can cheat it. Do you ever wear without, you ever go without the hat? Yeah. All my specials on when I do stand up. Yeah. You do stand up, you do it hatless? Yeah, I do it hatless. I like wearing a hat because I think I look cute in a hat. Cute. Yeah. Yeah. It's about, it's about, my daughters have a, a, a,

thread, baby walrus thread, and they will hose it down with times I've said I've looked cute and they take a picture and I do not look cute. It's usually when I... Where do you die? That's the best question I've been asked in my entire fucking life. Oh, okay. So here's what I do.

Just for men, brown. You don't want to go black. You don't want to go too dark. Yeah, don't go black because you don't have black hair. So that would be crazy. But that's what a lot of the pro wrestlers do. Like Randy Macho Man Savage for a period of time. Seagal. Oh my God. His hair dye is the best. Oh my God. On our cruise, we had a costume night and there was a couple who dressed up as you and Push. I saw this. And it was so fucking good. I saw this. And it was such a deep cut. Yeah. Because no one really got it. And then I didn't get it at first. And then I was like, shit.

shut the fuck up. Because he did the Seagal one. He did the Seagal and then she was from her special. Yeah. But the key to dying your hair is leaving gray hair there. Yeah, you can't go all the way. You can't deny it. It's like when I shave my pubes, I trim...

I trim. So what I do is I, I've, I've watched a lot of barbershop videos. I comb it out. I comb it out. Right. And then I trim that. I just kind of give it a fade a little bit. Yeah. Then I go. So like if this is dick and balls, right, this is actually good. This is dick and balls. What I do is I Caesar it out like this. So everything under here is sworn. Everything's bald right here. Bald right here. Shaft totally fucking bald. And then this is the key. I go up an inch. Okay.

I go up into this area and cut an inch. The pubis. Yeah, into the pubis area because it looks like you have an inch more of cock. Yeah. And then it's a fake, but... And if you push that fat pad, you actually see more dick. Dude. If you push it in, you're like, well, there's some dick in there. Can I tell you, that's the workout I'd invest in. Yeah. Six-minute dick. And it's just whatever workout. I don't even know, like a bicycle? I think if you actually really...

your body fat to like, you know, first you listen, you get to 12 and then you go under the, like hardcore, then that pad would be completely gone. That's why young dudes have big dicks just because their body fat level. Yeah. Yeah. It's, you almost got to forgive all those guys that molest them. Yeah.

Just joking, guys. Just joking. Yeah. But like young dudes, like young dudes, 18 years old is the best dick you're going to have. Yeah. Take pictures now, guys. I think anybody who is willing to take nude photos at any point, if you're like, I'll do it right now. I mean, you know, I'm willing to. You're crazy not to because you're never going to look better. Dude, all I do is take nude pictures of myself. In the sauna when I have sauna cock, it's up against the window.

Fucking shoulders like this. That's why I look the best every time I go like this. It doesn't look that good You're like you go down I go down like this. Yeah, and then and and then I get almost hard almost hard and

Like three quarters. Like, yeah. Well, like seven eighths. Okay. Seven eighths. So it's full, but it's just not up yet? It's full. It's just not. It's ready to sail. It's still in the dock. Gotcha. Like fucking sails are up. Yeah. Speaking of sailing, I kind of want to get into sailing. I don't like sailors. You don't like sailors? Well, no, they're nice people. I'm saying whenever I see a sailboat. Oh, you don't like sailboats? I always go, that looks cool.

But I don't really want to be on it. I want to be on one with a motor. Because I've been on sailboats. It's just fucking, I feel like it's chaotic. That's what I like about it. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Like, I love the idea that there's an energy when you, because I was looking at, like, what it seems happens is when you get to a certain level in your life, you take flying lessons. That's what it seems like happens. Are you taking flying lessons? Yeah. Of course you are. Right? Yeah.

Can I try a choke hold on you? No. Just real quick? No, absolutely not. No, I won't do it all the way. No, wait. Hang on. Are you taking jiu-jitsu now? So? Are you taking jiu-jitsu and you're taking flying lessons? I have a midlife crisis. I'm 44. Holy shit. Wait, hold on. You're taking jiu-jitsu. Let me just try one on you. But you tap. Hold on. Just let me see if I know how to do it well. Hold on. No, you're trying it out on somebody who doesn't know how to defend himself. I know, but like, okay, you just tell me.

Hey. All right. See, it's getting better. God damn it. You know, Isla choked me out in front of Leanne. My boys have tried choking me. They're both in it. Are you serious? The three of you were taking jujitsu? Yeah, yeah. And you're fighting them? No, no. God, the energy a fucking child boy must have in jujitsu is insane. Ellis does arm bars on me all the time. And I'm like, yo, I've already broken one. Like, he's intense. Wait, both your boys are taking jujitsu? Yeah. You're taking jujitsu. You're taking flying lessons. Yeah.

What else? When did you realize you're having a midlife crisis? I guess because people say that whenever you do anything that's like out of what you've done before, that's like, you know, adventurous. They go, you're having a midlife crisis. And then my thought on that is like, yeah, how could you not? Yeah, it's the same thing happens when people go, you've changed. And you're like, yeah, I don't, yeah. It's the whole fucking point. But I think if you're not having a midlife crisis and you're in your 40s,

then something's wrong with you. You're not working hard enough. No, it means you don't have no self-awareness. There you go. Yeah. It means you have no, you're not appreciating, like the whole thing about a midlife crisis is you go, oh, I'm going to die.

So I need to, you know, do these things because I don't have that much life left. Yeah. There's a life is fleeting. Right. So I'm saying if you're not somebody who, if you're like, oh no, I'm not interested in this thing. I'm just going to do anything. Everything I've always ever done. Then it's almost like you're saying, I just don't care that this is going to end. There's a lot of people that think drinking is their thing.

Like that's their, they just go, like I told you about the time I was in the cardiologist waiting room and I was nervous and the guy was like, what are you nervous about? And I was like, what if he tells me I have to quit drinking? He looks at me, he goes, heads up. You don't. I was like, what? And he goes, you can drink yourself to death. No one's going to give a fuck. I was like, Jesus Christ. And then the cardiologist told me, just so you know, everyone in that room is people that didn't know when to stop. I got told everything.

I got told the other day, I wanna go back to your midlife crisis, but I got told the other day there's two types of people. There's addicts and there's partiers. Partiers stop when the party's over. And then addicts just never stop. - That's true.

And I was like, oh yeah, I stop when the party's over. So you're a partier. Yeah. I go, the party, I'm not drinking by myself in my room when everyone, no one's there and then going like, I'm going to jack off. No, the difference is with you is that you are the person who goes come over so that the party can keep going. Do you realize my one takeaway? I had so many sober realizations. Yeah. Like over my time of sobriety. Yeah. The number one takeaway. Yeah. Is how often everyone wants to go to bed.

This is your takeaway? Everyone wants to sleep. Everyone wants to sleep. And you? Never. I never want to sleep. I never want the party to end. I want everyone to stay up with me. I want to have one more drink. I want everyone to like, yo, come on. And then I'm cool going to bed, but at two in the morning, if you let most people go to bed at like 11 o'clock. Yeah. Like most people don't.

Don't want to just like I listen my favorite part of the tour buses get on the tour bus and being like the bus leaves And I'm like one more drink and the best is when you break someone's spirit We're like Pete's in bed, and then you open his curtain and you're like yeah, you're not gonna be a bitch are you and he's like guys I'm trying to sleep and you're like one drink everyone getting Pete's bunk and then everyone gets in his bunk He's like fine. Fuck it. I'll drink with you. Yeah, that's my favorite

Yeah. Is breaking their spirit. Yeah. That's true. Just fucking. That's the funnest. The funnest. The funnest. I would love one semester in a fraternity house. Just one semester in a fraternity house. You can do that as a show. I don't even need to do a show. I could do it for free. No, I know. But that would be a hit show. Oh.

Bert back, back in the frat dad, frat dad. Yeah. And I just show up and I, by the way, I don't even need to be there Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

But I want to be there Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Yeah. Game day? Game day? Game day? And a big school, too. You know? Like, big southern school. You got to go where it's like, it's a scene. Ole Miss would be the fuck. I'd love to go back to Florida State. Yeah. I mean, at Florida State, I've been there. Right. But I would love to go to one of those. I would love to do. Oxford on a Saturday. Game day. Dude. Incredible. I would love to do.

Friday, Saturday at different colleges, different fraternities. I get in Friday. Do you know what I did? I haven't announced it yet. So the first half of 24 is announced. Yeah. For the fall, I booked some college gigs. The gig is Friday so that I can go to the game Saturday. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So, and I'm going to like some big ones. Can I tell you, this is what's wrong with me. I just said to my family and to everyone, I'm going to take the fall off. Yeah. No, I don't want to. You should. Nope. No, you should. Nope, I don't need to. It's good for you. I have a tour bus. I know. I'll just meet you at all your gigs. Okay.

Okay. And we'll go to college game day every fucking Saturday. I mean, I'm excited. If you're okay, go to Tom's grow.com. Fine. Have you announced them yet? Not the fall ones. No. Okay. When they launch. Yeah.

I will. I will be taking my tour bus to a fraternity house. I'll be spending the night with you boys. Okay. We're going to go out hard Friday night. Real hard. Like fucking real hard. And Saturday morning, I will be the first up. I will get breakfast ready for everyone. I will have pre-party. But here's the thing. What are you worried about? Why are you already saying no? No, I'm not worried. I'm not worried. Okay, keep going. I also, I went out. I went out for drinks. But your drinks or my drinks? Well, my drinks. I was drinking vodka.

On ice, just enjoying that just nice, cold, crisp vodka. There is nothing better. It was delicious. Than the cleanest drink you can have in the world. Whiskey is a dirty whore who loses her shoes. Yeah. Okay. Gin.

is a chick you didn't realize was overweight until you wake up the next morning tequila yeah gives you an std yeah tequila's wild but vodka because a gentleman's vodka leaves before you wake up with a note by your bed yeah and you smile and you go god i wouldn't mind her one more time

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I think they mean us. Oh, s***. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. I love vodka. Vodka's great. I haven't had vodka in so long. Here's the thing. Can I tell you what kind of surprised me? What? So every time I have a few drinks, like...

I'm always like, man, tomorrow's going to suck. I'm always thinking about the recovery. Not with vodka. I'll tell you this.

I was fine. You did? I was fine. Like 100%. I mean, yes, I had a few waters before bed, you know? That's the key. Yeah. I mean, for real, that is the key. But I had a little buzz and I was like, man, I wonder if tomorrow I'm going to be like, and it's just a world of regret. I was fine, dude. When we did our first weight loss challenge, I drank Tito's and soda through the entire fucking weight loss challenge. You did? And I lost weight. And I'm telling you, it's the cleanest drink. My only problem is...

airplane vodkas. What is that? The airplane vodkas. They don't have good vodkas on airplanes. That's the only problem I have with airplane vodkas. Yeah. Man, you just made me want to drink. And you know what's interesting? I monitor myself regularly.

Not to get too into the weeds, but I keep a happiness journal and I notice things about myself. Yeah, I've kept it for a while. What is that? I write down things that make me happy, things that make me anxious, things that bring me joy, things that I really like. I write ideas in there. It's just a way to quantify. The easiest one to explain is one morning...

I made the girls breakfast and, uh, and then they went to school and I was, I had a cup of coffee and a cigar out my backyard and I was writing in my happiness journal and I went, God, I really feel great. I feel great making that. I feel like of service. I feel great making them breakfast. Um,

And I should remember that. This brings me happiness. So then like two days later, I'm hungover. I'm doing shows at the store. I'm hungover. The girls are up and Isla's like, hey, are you making breakfast? I was like, I think I'm going to just sleep. And I hear Leanne, let him sleep. He was out late last night. But in my head, I know that I'd written it down. That makes me happy. So I went, stop. Get out of bed. Go make them breakfast. And...

See if that works again. And I made them breakfast. My hangover went away. I'm laughing. I'm having coffee. We're all joking. They go and get in the car and go. And I go, God damn it, it works. So it's like quantifying happiness. So what I do is I quantify happiness.

When I stopped drinking, the first five days is the most interesting because you have an impulse. You know when you started losing weight and you would go to the – you'd find out how many times you actually went to the fridge? Sure. Or how many times you went to a bag of chips and you were like, oh, wait, I can't have chips. I'm trying to eat clean. Yeah. So it's easy to do with weight loss, but when you drink a lot, there's a lot of times where your brain will say to yourself –

Hey, we should get like a, we should have a drink tonight. Like, it's almost like, like, oh, wait, oh, wait, like, you know, I should have a drink. And then I would quantify that. And then I'd sit with that feeling and then go, what is that? Like, I was trying to figure out what it is.

And then there were false ones, like almost like a false limb where you feel an itch. Yeah. And it's just like going like, and then those go away real quick. Like false what? False feelings of wanting to have a drink. Oh, I got you. Like where your brain goes, we just get to open a bottle of wine tonight. And then you're like, I don't really need that. You know what I'll do? I'm going to get on the treadmill. I'm going to walk. I'm going to watch full swing on fucking Netflix. I'm going to feel good. I'm going to get a good night's sleep. I'm going to sauna before I go to bed. I'm going to get up. I'm going to push it tomorrow. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the right thing. You know what? Maybe we'll take a hit of weed and smoke a cigar. That'll be the same feeling.

And then there's what you just did to me is when they're real, they're real. That's, that's the Lord talking to you. Yeah. Yeah. Where you, where you brought up vodka and my brain said, you know, we haven't danced with her in a while. Like just her, no soda, no cranberry, just her, just me and her, just me and her on ice. Maybe a little bit of a lime just to like a bow in her hair, a flower. It was good. It was nice, man.

It was nice. Yeah. I want you to remember this. I'm being dead serious. I want you to remember that you did this to me tonight. Okay. No, because, because, because this one's a real one. Yeah. And I, and I haven't had her in a while. Yeah. And, and, and I fell in love with her. She really introduced my side. I told you this a long time ago. Uh, I was sitting on a plane. I was sitting on a plane. Um,

Drinking a Heineken and this gorgeous man next to me names names. His name was tan Gorgeous man next to me Said you know I could go for a drink. I had a long one last night. I was like yeah, it was vodka soda She brings it to him and I said vodka soda. I was like run a fuck. What are you Chelsea Handler? And he was like it's in my contract. I was like what he goes as a male model It's the best drink you can drink to lose weight and I went oh

I'm going to murder this Heineken and I'll have a vodka soda too. And so that was when I first met her. But she does make you feel clean. Yeah. Makes you feel good. It was a good buzz. We're going to get fucked up tonight. We are going to be drinking. Are you going to get Burt drunk? No. Why don't you get Burt drunk? I have to do things. No, but no, like, I'm curious. Do you, do you, I'm being, I'm being sincere because I've done it where you just, like, I've done it where you go,

There's two things. I want the buzz, right? I want the buzz. I want to feel the buzz. I want the sparkle. And then there's times where you go, no, everyone's drinking. I understand that that would make things easier just to be a part of the team and we'll all drink tonight. But I really don't want to drink. I really don't. I don't have an interest in drinking. I wish I could have some water. I wish I wasn't over at this guy's house so I had to listen to him talk about assisted suicide. I wish, by the way, maybe the best sober conversation I've ever been in in my entire life. Really? Oh.

At a guy's house? At a guy's house. He was like, listen, suicide's not a bad fucking option. And I was like, when are you going to get older? And then his wife's going, stop selling people on suicide. Well, I, having seen like somebody wither away, yeah, I would have wanted to check out. Do you think, when do you think on the list of people I call when my dad dies, where do you think you'll be on that list? I don't know. That's really personal to you. I know, but you've been through it.

But I mean, whether or not like your order has, I mean, I don't like to guess where I'll be in your order. I mean, you're probably going to talk to your siblings, your mom, your wife, maybe your kids. Who's, how is, you never called me when your dad died. Yeah. Because like, you're not really, you know, you get like, it affects everyone differently. Did you drink? Did I drink? Like that when I, like when it happened. When you found out you poured a drink and be like, oh fuck. What'd you do? No.

so we were at the oh you knew he was dying too oh yeah yeah yeah we knew he was dying and then they were like it'll happen in the next like the doctors and there's like it'll happen like the next day so i was there in the morning and let's say he died like around noon from there we went to a funeral home

that was going to do that. And, you know, we had some things already picked out, but we had to do a few other things. We made a few other, there's a lot of business. Yeah. The more of it, like, you know, there's the thing about dying is that the people who are alive, but with dying on the horizon, you know, that's why like, it's so important to have your,

your stuff in order, like a, your, you know, your estate planning kind of stuff because people who die without that, like I think the story goes that Prince had no will, you know, right. I'm just using him as an example. Then you just have tons of people being like,

We're all apart. They're trying to chop up this estate. Oh, I'm going to have a reading of my will just like an 80s movie where everyone's there and they're like, who's that guy? And then everyone's sitting there and they're like, okay. Yeah. And I want people fighting for the money. I'm going to have a scavenger hunt.

I'm going to have like, yeah, the more of that, I'm going to have, I'm going to have the, the, all the electricity in the house drop out. And then one person is going to die also. And then they're going to be like, who did it? And then they find out like, that would be fun. Why, why does anyone make their death fun? They're not thinking like you.

They're just like, man, I don't know why I'm such a bummer about this whole death. Why don't funeral homes step it up? You've got wedding planners. It's bummer city at funeral homes. It's really a bum show. But you have to have that stuff. And then if you are...

You know, I'm saying thinking ahead, you have your plot, how you want to be, if you want to be cremated, if you want to... Do you know where you want to be buried? Not at all. I haven't thought about it, but I do have... I have so much time now that I don't drink like I used to. How much time do you think you have? A better question is, how much time do you think I had if I didn't slow down? If you didn't slow down? Be real. I think you would have had real health issues...

start to evolve and show themselves in this decade. Like from 50 to 60? Yeah, and we're talking like you're not slowing down at all. Not slowing down. Yeah, I think your health would have taken a turn during this decade. That's my one takeaway, and I mean this to all our fans, because I think all our fans...

have watched us change and like grow and digress, get hurt, get surgeries, go through shit. But the one thing I think sometimes is like, I wish I could gift, I wish I could gift just the space to everyone. Like once you get kind of healthier, you get a little distance from your bad behaviors. Yeah. And you start like,

It almost gives you time to exhale and I would love to gift everyone what it's like to like not wake up Super fat because I know what it's like right now, and I'm by the way. I'm still obese. I'm still obese I understand that I don't want watching this goes dude. You're 235 that's fucking fat as fuck that's down from 270 275 really when we look at By the way, but but like but it's when you are

The amount that it takes off of you, like just walking or getting up, showering. You know, showering is the big thing. I can wash my asshole again. I couldn't wash my asshole. Really? Like I'd get back there and it would hurt to get back there. Like your shoulders and your back would hurt. I'd be like, uh, uh, uh.

my feet don't hurt. Stairs, right? Don't stairs make a difference? 40 pounds is a lot of difference on a, going up a flight of stairs. I don't work for UPS. I'm saying if you're in a stairwell, like when you, you never, I've never been in a fucking stairwell. You never go up a flight of stairs at all? No. I like how stairs, like I said, you know, when you go to the space station. What am I, one of your pores? Yeah.

No, I don't walk up stairs. Okay. I fucking hang out on the first floor. The girls are upstairs. I don't go up to their rooms. Okay. Yeah, I don't really fuck with stairs. You're really saying this like stairs are out of the realm of possibilities to run into. You know, it's very interesting you say that. Today I did the stair climber.

Today I did the stair climber and I thought, I actually thought this is fucking useless. Really? Like I was like, who the fuck is doing stairs? Really? No, I don't fuck with stairs. But getting out of a chair is different. Getting out of a chair. I actually feel it. I actually feel, cause I do, I do a lot of squats and like goblet squats. Were you at the point at your heaviest where you would have a split second thought getting into a chair? Like, is this a supportive chair? No, but I will tell you.

during fully loaded yeah it's a guy that came backstage and he's he's a big guy well he was big he's like probably three bills and he sat in a chair and he broke it he's as he said it shattered and it smithereen i mean like like comic book all four legs went squirt yeah and the fucking back fell off

And everyone laughed except for me and big J. We looked at each other and looked at him. We're like, it's okay, buddy. Yeah. We're there. Like it's, it's, that could have been us. That could be us. Well, thank God we didn't sit in that chair because that could be us. No, uh, getting right now. Well, you know, I was cracking toilet seats left and right. No. Oh yeah. Oh, I was cracking toilet seats. Cause I, I don't, when you're that fat, by the way,

There's the minutia of fat, like stretching a shirt. These are things that fat guys do. Stretching a shirt before you put it on. Mm-hmm.

The idea of putting on pants where you go, these are barely going to get around my ass. And then going through your wardrobe and having absolutely nothing to wear. Putting on a suit and realizing I feel like I'm in a fucking prison. But nothing connects more than cracking toilet seats. Cracking the seats? I cracked so many seats. And then what would happen is I just land too hard on them. I'd go to take a shit and I'd go wham. And then it would crack.

And then you couldn't find the crack. But then when you got up, it would pinch your leg. Dude. The other one is a fat guy move is putting your –

Foot on your leg to tie your shoe. That's a total fat guy move like being able to you need to reach it here You can tell you can tell fat guys. Yeah, you can tell some fat guys by their stomachs But yeah, you can also tell really fat guys all their shoelaces are tied on the inside inside. Yeah, yeah, dude I stopped tying shoes altogether. I just everything was a slip-on everything was a slip-on as it's why five guys have such hard bad feet problems shoes were meant to be tied they're meant to be tied and

not too tight, but snug on your foot. Yeah. And when you slide into all your shoes and you're overweight, putting so much stress on your feet and you're getting plantar fasciitis, dude, sweatpants are such an enabler. They're enablers. Yeah. Cause you put on sweatpants. You're like, I'm not that fat. I can sit crisscross applesauce. Yeah. And then you put on comfort. Yeah. Oh. And then you put on jeans and you're like, like I would look at you in your fancy clothes and

and hate you. Like you mean pants? No, like you'd put on fancy clothes like slacks. You'd come to the Doodoo Bears and I was like, what are we dressing up? Is there a fucking red carpet? You have a collared shirt on with like a fucking beige jacket and I'd be like, oh cool. And the first thing I did

When I lost like a significant amount of weight. Yeah. As I went into a bunch of jackets that must've stood there. Like they were never getting called to war. Yeah. They were just sitting on the side. How good does that feel? Like it's Dunkirk going, we're not going. Dude, I'll wear one tonight.

It's crazy. It feels so good. Dude, when we were promoting the machine that's streaming right now on Netflix, it was number one for like three weeks, but you can check it out and then boost it back up to number one. It would totally help me out. I don't even want you to watch it. Just hit play on your fucking Netflix. Do that with our specials too. Don't even fucking watch them tonight. Tonight. Everyone watching this, just go to Netflix.com.

and hit sledgehammer, hit razzle dazzle, and hit the machine, and just let them play. Just let them fucking play. You know what that does? It increases our fucking money. Great pitch. What was I talking about? Oh, when I was promoting the movie? Yeah. I swear, I swear to God, I bought all new wardrobe.

I had a stylist come in and dress me for all new wardrobe. And I went to one show and I couldn't button the shirt. Really? Of a shirt I had just recently bought. I would balloon up five pounds, six, seven pounds in an evening, in an evening. And if I was on a plane, I was fucking swollen. Yeah. I didn't realize how red I was. Yeah. You did look super red before. Everyone was like, dude, you're really red. And I was like, I know I'm working hard. Here's what hard work looks like. What are you fucking color shaming me? Uh,

That's what I love about black alcoholics is you can't tell. Yeah. They just stay black. It's one of the great things about being a black alcoholic. Black alcoholics are the fucking best. When are you going to do drink champs? No, not meaning like that. But when are you going to do drink champs?

Mean I'd love to oh my god, but I want you to get fucked up Okay I want you to get fucked up and I want to sit in the back with all an orion and DJ a FN's group and talk shit the way they do Mm-hmm and do that No, getting out of a chair was a big deal when I lost weight getting into the gym and being excited That's a good like and having gains like and like being like oh, this is good. I didn't realize that when so it was my dad died in December of 21

no yeah yeah yeah that's when he died december 21. so we were you were still in l.a no i i'd moved here already okay so i i um yeah i moved here i moved here in may of 21. so he died in december 21 and i'm not even tying the two together even though they could be but like i didn't realize that i'm back on tour and i have like trainer with me but i'm just like not dialed in on eating you know and like going at it i'm gaining weight gaining weight and i had a suit

that I had bought a few months prior, and then I wore it on one of the arena shows. Dude, like the day I put it on, it's like, I'm like, oh, and I'm like, I'm trying to put, and I was like, fuck. And that was like, you know, March, April of 22. Yeah. So just in those few months, and then I look at like clips from them, and I was totally ballooning up. We should do a group thing. We should do a group thing. We don't need a sponsor, although a sponsor would be badass, but we should do a group thing in January.

A group thing? Group thing. What do you mean? Like dry January. We didn't do Sob Roktober. We did do Sob Roktober, but I already wasn't drinking. So it wasn't any fun. Can I tell you, it was so lax this year between us. It was, yeah. No one ever even talked about it that I broke my sobriety.

on accident and i was just like oh who cares like yeah i met up with somebody and they go do you want to have a drink and i still wasn't thinking because we weren't talking about it that i go sure i have a drink i think maybe half of it and it was the next day where i was like oh it's october and i just forgot yeah it it it's fun when you do a group challenge i would love to do a group challenge here's what i want i don't know if there's a way to do this maybe we can see if uh

If I still, I'm a big, still whoop guy. I know you wear yours every now and then. Yeah. But I would love whoop to make my numbers public. I'm sure they can. I want them to make the numbers public and,

And I want our fans to have their numbers public. I want to be able to like everyone check in. I think you can if you accept like people who. But we should do like a real challenge at the beginning of this year with us and our fans. For January. I'm going to party my dick off starting tonight. I'm going to party pretty hard. Through December? Probably. I mean, I mean, figure it's a holiday season. Thanksgiving is going to be a fucking wash, right? Tonight, me and you are getting pretty fucked up. We are. We are. How fucked up? Pretty fucked up.

I want you to start laughing when you, those uncontrollable laughs where you're like, I did not expect this to happen. And so, and so, and then, and then Christmas is going to be a fucking blowout. New Year's Eve. You have, are you in Honolulu? Yeah. You're in Honolulu New Year's Eve. I think, I don't think I'm doing a show, but I'll have a party at my house. I want to get fucking lit, but I want to go January one. I want to go January one, do dry January and, and probably bleed it into our Superbowl show. Okay. The first time we drink again to be our Superbowl show, but get our fans activated too, because I,

It's funny. I'm sure there's people watching this going, oh, fuck off. Right. But because I did that when you lost weight, I was like, oh, fuck off. Like, yeah, great. You got your shit together. It's, you don't know. But like do something to activate like our group. Cause, cause everyone can use a little extra oomph, a little something motivation, group motivation really works. We don't need Joe and Ari. We can just do me and you like a dry January just for the bears, just for the fucking people that are with like our guys, uh,

And, but activate the community and really like, cause I love when like, like people post shit and then you see them doing better. There's a bunch of guys that when I, I guess when I started losing weight, I love when I started losing weight and everyone's like, if that fat fuck can do it. And then they started losing weight and then they lost more weight. And then you go like, wow, that's inspiring. You know, we should do dry January. See if we can get like a, see if we can get a sponsor so everyone can get on the same shit. Like whoop. I go to whoop immediately. Cause that's my favorite one. But start 2024 solid. Yeah.

That would be cool. Yeah. I get into a bunch of these boy... Hang on. I get into a lot... I don't know the right way to say this. A bunch of young men who are like party guys, but they're all workout party guys, and I fucking love them. Are they gorgeous? They're good looking, yeah. Okay. They're shirtless, yeah. Shirtless. They're fun. There's one guy who lives in Miami, one guy who lives in Tampa. You just like... I just follow them. They're all fucking...

College dudes? I don't even know. They don't look educated. Okay. But they're probably, they're college age and they're just fucking party guys. There's something about that when you haven't realized. That's your spirit, dude. That's what it is. Yeah. We're going to have so much fun in the fall. Yeah. Going from tour to tour. You're jumping on this for sure. Oh, I'm jumping on it. I'm jumping on it. I'm getting ready for, I'm building for something. What I'll do. Yeah. Oh, dude, I'm at least doing one. I'm at least doing one with you. Okay. And I'm going to spend the night at fraternity house.

Are you doing Tallahassee? Mm-hmm. Are you doing Tallahassee? Mm-hmm. Bro. I'm fighting. Can I roll out the red carpet for you in Tallahassee? Yeah, of course. Holy shit. Can you tell I have a... And does it look... Do I look like a... Oh, I thought it was the other side. Anyway, Tallahassee, I went... You know I went to a Florida State game. Of course I know. And it went... It was fucking...

It's funny because when we ran into Coach Norville at the Westman Club, he was like loosey-goosey. Hey, Tom, Bert. He lifted his shirt up and he was like, yeah, look at my tits. And then when I saw him on game day, he's dialed in. Yeah, of course, man. He went, Bert, good to see you. Dabbed me up and he was on. Yeah. He was on. Focused. Do you forget how fucking studly the...

these fucking football players are. When you see them on the field, like just the fucking legs. When I was at Penn State for my show last year, they were like, every time it's a big D1, they go, you know, I try to, I'm like, hey, can I check out the football facilities? Yeah. So they set it up and they just had practice, like practice just ended.

So they were in the locker room and they brought us in there. And I, I'm fucking 43. I'm walking through this thing and I was like, oh my God, like these, these kids dwarfed all of us. We all were like, oh God, this is fucking great. And then the kid's 19 and he's like this, you know, like in the locker room, like, oh, what's up? Oh, I love your stuff. And you're like,

And you forget you're as old as his dad. Yeah, you're like, nice to meet you, son. Yeah, it's really nuts how the D1 athlete is built different. Like, you don't run into them every day. They're a whole different, like, cut. They really are. I hung out with DK Metcalf. I rode an elevator with him. Really? And I was like... Oh, you can't pull up a picture.

such a freak show of a human being uh i was like this in the elevator i was like holy dk matcalf came up it was like you know whatever he said you're like the best living comic of our generation i love the way you speak to multicultural groups and yeah it's you just translate very well yeah yeah that sounds just like a dk quote he was like dude shoulders are on point and i was like oh thanks man you don't have to say that he's like why it's undeniable and then he said to me

I said, he just got done practice. And I said, what are you doing after this? You're going to go take a nap? And he looked at me like, huh? You can see it in his eyes. He's like, I'm a different specimen than you. And he goes, no, I'm going to work on ASL. I said, what? And he goes, on my free time, I work on American Sign Language. And I went, for fun? And he goes, yeah. And he's like, and then I'm going to get another workout in.

I got another class I'm taking. I go, the fuck's wrong with you? I was like, you should be like soaking wet with pussy juice. I think he gets time for that too. I think he works it in. He is fucking gorgeous. Gina Smith is there. Gina Smith. Gina Smith. Yeah. Gorgeous. What's going on, man? Gorgeous. I mean, just different type of men. Did you ever hear Marshawn Lynch talk about Aaron Rodgers?

Marshawn talk about Aaron? Yeah. No? Oh, so badass. So he goes to Cal right when his freshman year.

They bring him out for first team defense versus first team offense. And they bring Marshawn in. He's fresh out of high school. They bring him out and they go, all right, we're going to run power right or whatever. And Marshawn Lynch is like, shit, I'm in. There's a list of running backs that could be back here. But they brought me in. I'm running. And he got so excited because I don't know anything about football, but power right is like the fucking move he wants, right? Okay.

And Aaron Rodgers is the quarterback, and Marshawn Lynch runs the wrong direction. And Aaron Rodgers is such a fucking gangster. You know him. He's my best friend. And then he does a back move and hands it off backwards to Marshawn Lynch. Marshawn Lynch runs for a touchdown. Place goes nuts. Coaches come up and get in Marshawn Lynch's face. That's not how we do it at Cal. You fucking went the wrong direction. And Aaron Rodgers, what a gangster to this freshman. He does not know. Says, that was my fault.

And they were like, what? And he was like, it was my fault. I called the wrong play. I went the wrong direction. It wasn't his fault. Marshawn Lynch is a freshman, right? Yeah. And in front of the whole team, they start bitching out Aaron Rodgers. And Aaron Rodgers takes it, and he comes over to Marshawn, and he's like, welcome to the team. And from that day forward, Marshawn Lynch has never said a bad word about Aaron Rodgers. Makes sense. I just saw him talk about what a...

shitty relationship he had with Russell Wilson. Yeah, what the fuck? What was that? The story he told, it was Marshawn. I think he was doing... Club Che Che? Yeah. Club Che Che is a badass podcast. Yeah, yeah. Sharon Sharpe's arms are fucking jacked.

Dude, he is 55 and I saw him doing... He's 55? Yeah, he's doing incline... Dude, I have a friend who's 55 who looks like fucking garbage. Garbage. Garbage. He is an old man at 55. You're like, do you need a sweater? Do you know what I'm talking about? I think I have an idea. This guy, Shannon Sharp, 55 years old. He's doing incline...

So with one thirties and just doing reps with it. And you're like, Whoa, like this is pretty serious. But the story he told him about, you know, they had a real thing obviously in Seattle. Yeah. Like a fucking great team. And he's talking about that relationship. And he said, it's funny cause you told the Aaron Rogers story in this interview. Marshawn Lynch says that after, uh,

one particular game where Russ had just like not a great game. Marshawn reached out and was like, you know, I know that this was like not, first of all, he asked for, he asked for Russ's number from like player personnel guy. And they're like, he'll call you. And then Russ called him from an unknown, from like a private number. And he said that he told him like, I know today wasn't like what you wanted, but you know, like I got your back. And he said, Russ was like, what?

He's like, well, you know what I'm saying? Like today wasn't what you wanted as far as like a passing game. But like, I got your back. And like, you know, if I have a game or it doesn't work out for me, you got my back. And he said, Russ was like, huh? And that it kind of just ended like that. So he goes, you know, we had zero relationship off the field. None, none. That's crazy. Yeah. He was like reaching out to be like,

Don't sweat, right? I got your back even if you have a bad day. He was like, yeah, I don't know. That's all I'm looking for in life. Yeah. That's all I'm looking for. That's all I'm looking for. Can I tell you what's wrong with, not what's wrong with Russell Wilson, but what's great about Marshawn Lynch? By the way, I'm spending all day tomorrow with Marshawn Lynch. No. I'm spending all day tomorrow with Marshawn Lynch. He's the greatest. I'm hoping that I can blend tonight's drink into tomorrow's Hennessy afternoon.

Because I will drink Hennessy and blow clouds with him all fucking day. Yeah, that'd be a fun day, dude. I will. I will. I will get. You better leave with some cool Marshawn stories. Fucked. I'm going to get his phone number. I'm going to get. I cannot wait. I cannot fucking wait to hang out with Marshawn Lynch. Yeah. Marshawn. I think the problem is, here's the problem with greatness, right? Is that like Russell Wilson's, no slight on him. He's, you can't.

slight greatness. Greatness just operates differently than the rest of us. Sure. It just does. It's exhausting. It's- You ever seen, by the way, DK's supposed daily routine? No. You haven't seen this? He wakes up. I think he has coffee, some water, works out, goes home, gets dressed, goes to practice, has some more water. And they're like, when are you eating? He's like, I don't

like at 5 p.m., and then he has some candy too. He likes candy, which is like a Marshawn thing. He's like, yeah, I like to eat candy, like Skittles and shit. Marshawn used to take a shot of Hennessy, two shots of Hennessy before a game. I couldn't do that. And I like drinking. I couldn't do that. It's fucking crazy to me. The problem is greatness, and only because like –

obviously everyone aspires to greatness, right? Like I watched, you ever watched full swing on Netflix? The golf one? Yeah. No. You watch certain guys like Jordan Spieth or like Tiger Woods or McElroy or like these great guys, they're uber competitive also. Like it's something broken in your psyche. Jordan, you can't take anything other than number one, right? I think it just leaves such a fucking field of,

of frustration for you unless you are number one. And it works out for the most of them. They're always number one, but they don't always, always, always turn number one. I think this is a problem with men, young men right now. I mean this out of such respect.

I was saying this to Leanne the other day, walking out of a Target. We went to a Target and she was, and I was like, I don't mean this as an insult. We were talking about why are we so happy? Like what, what is the thing that makes us happy? Like how do you gift this to other people? And I said this to her and it came out as an insult, but I mean it as a compliment is that right now, if you're listening, just lower your expectations. Do not think that

That's what fucks up so many young dudes is they want the baddest bitch in the bar Not realizing all the fucking shit that comes with the baddest bitch in the bar All this shit the baddest bitch in the bar wants the baddest motherfucker on the street She didn't want the baddest dude in the bar. She wants the baddest motherfucker in the street You're never gonna be him if you lower your expectations and just go I just want someone who isn't gonna cheat on me doesn't burn steaks and can fuck and

Then you, there's a ton of those around. Right. There's a ton of those around. And I think. And that's what you shoot for. That's what you shoot for. Shoot for like just a chick that gives really good hand jobs. Don't look for the baddest bitch in the bar. The baddest bitch in the bar sucks. What's the hottest chick you ever dated? You can't say your wife because they know we're all going to say that. What's the hottest chick you ever dated? And then let's fuck her up. Let's, let's destroy her. Because that's what, because every guy, every guy in college listening right now is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You think about it right now.

The chick, you'd love to fuck, right? You'd love to fuck. The one you're like, fuck, that would be nice. No, it was a disaster. Always is. Yeah. I went out with a model in LA. I had a huge crush on her. Already, already. Okay, ready? I'm going to break it down. Already, if you have a crush on her, you're fucked. Yeah, yeah. It was like that. Because you, what you're doing is your New Year's eveninger.

You're saying this is going to be the... Yeah, exactly. You're totally right about this, actually. And it was. It was a total... It was... And here's the thing. Like, you get to know someone like that, the baddest bitch in the bar, and you lose your attraction to her. Like, you know... You're like, oh, I know that you're going to say she's pretty, but I...

I've hung out with her. Yeah. You start to find her less attractive. People can't even understand. How do you not think she's in your life? Because I fucking spent time with her. Yeah. And she's a fucking, she's a mess. And she does fucked up things where you're like, real people don't do that. Literally. Literally. Like says fucked up things and you're like, what the fuck? And then you start to go like, oh. Like you start to lose, the attraction goes away. I said it to Leanne. I said, you know what I love about your body? And...

I know this is going to be fucked up sounding. I already know. How fucking uncomfortable is this, what you said? Because I'm gauging. I have an idea. You know what I love about your body? How it's so not perfect. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Because there's like...

Whatever the flaws are, I find sexy. Right. But here's the deal. And I'm talking right now to a 25-year-old dude, a 30-year-old dude who's like...

starting to do good in life, got aspirations, and thinking what I need to fill out my fucking resume of life. What it's going to look like when I'm 50. So for me to be happy is I need the baddest bitch is in that resume. I'm top sales. I'm eating good. I'm eating clean. I got a good group of friends. I got a nice car. I got a condo. I'm accruing money in that condo. Got a great stereo system. I got shit dialed in. What I need is a bad motherfucking bitch. I want a chick that

Other dudes are like, oh, fuck, yeah, right? Here's the flaw in that. What you gotta do is lower your expectations and say, this is what I can get. What's the best of what I can get? Like, what's the thing, the hidden thing? I said to Leanne, I love your body, and Leanne is not a fan of her own body. Like, she just is like, I can do this and do that. And I said, and this is so fucked up, but when I get Leanne naked...

It's like a secret. Like she doesn't show that to everyone. Right. Because there's vulnerability there. Sure. So when I do get her naked and she cuts loose, and this bitch has been cutting loose lately, it is, it's like she's trusting me with a secret. Yeah. And when her, I thought I was into brown nipples, right? Like I thought brown nipples were the fucking key to life. Leanne's got pink nipples and they're fucking awesome.

Pink nipples are a secret. Like when you see pink nipples, you're like, you're like, Ooh, this is sex. Brown nipples. You pull those out on a beach in Brazil. Everyone sees them. You're like, yeah, okay. Brown nipples. They're not bad, but right. Whatever. It's like brown nipples. Don't they can, you can whip them out at a bar, a bar. Her, her nipples are nipples that people don't just show all the time. Cause they're kind of hot and sexy. You know what I mean? Like, like it's like, uh, it's like, I don't know. It's, but my point is, and I kept saying this to her, uh,

I got what I wanted because I wasn't... I wasn't expecting much. Leanne's going to hear this and be like... And be livid with me. I know. But like... I know what your intentions are. I'm sure she did the same thing. Yeah. I'm sure she said...

But that's the key to life. The key to life is being happy with what you have. That's the key. Is not... Grateful for what you have. Grateful for what you have. At every level. Yes. And realizing what will make you grateful. Yeah. You don't need, trust me when I say, there, I don't, first of all, I will say, I have to say this. I don't know if I would be where I am without, without...

Leanne. So like, I can't look at my life and go, imagine if I just plugged that chick in. I don't think I'd have it. I don't think there's a lot of chicks that would be like, no, no, no, no. This is my guy. The guy that drinks himself blind on a plane, shows up, phones in with our kids, passes out, wakes up, doesn't know where he is. And it's like, I think I shit my pants. Like she does. I don't think there's a lot of chicks that would settle for that. Yeah. But Leanne did the same thing I did and was like, this guy's good. He's, he's self-correcting.

He loves the fuck out of me. And that's the key is like, I wish I could articulate that more to young men would go, you know, that chick that like you dated during the summer who had a great sense of humor and you can go to target with and you can laugh nonstop with. That's the one you want. That's the one you want. You want to be in a target with a chick.

and just be laughing at stupid shit. Not the chick that goes, are we shopping at Target? Yeah, no. And that's, you don't want that chick. No, the, you know, the great, like I was lucky in that I dated, I dated like great girls. Like even from high school through college. Like if it was longer than a few weeks, it was because you could go

To target or just sit around and do nothing. Cause that's really when you vibe with somebody that have that. If the person is like, what are we doing here? And, and, and asking you to kind of like be someone you're not, then that's obviously not for you. That's not a good relationship. There's so many, there's so many times that people look at what they have, what they have and think, and they judge it by what other people think they have.

Yeah. Like, so like if, if let's pretend it's a car, right? Say you just love a fucking Civica, a Civica, Civica, Civica, Civic, Civic. Say you love your Civic. You love your Civic. But then as you pull up in your Civic, people say things about your Civic and you're like, you're like,

It's a good car. And they're like, okay. And then they get in their Jaguar. Well, Jaguars break down at an alarming rate. Yeah. Okay? And that's every other chick is a Jaguar. But if you love your Civic, then go, fuck you. I love my Civic. This is a badass Civic. And that's what you told Ian. You're like, you know what? You're my Civic. You're my Civic. Yeah. You're my Honda Civic.

put that on a card yeah you're my honda civic yeah and i am your station wagon there you go do people forget how great station wagons were station wagons were the it was it's kind of sad what car is christina can i tell you what car she is oh boy no i know what car she is i think she's a jedi no that was one of hers she loved that was one of her cars yeah

I got to take back the Leon Civic because that sounds so bad. But Chris, can I tell you what Christina is? Do you remember the Mercedes your dad gave you? Yeah, the old. It's a badass car. It was an old SL500. And if you know shit about cars, you know how badass that car is. That car is rad, dude. It's a badass car. Yeah. It's a badass fucking car. And by the way, the funny thing you pointed out, she fucking loved that thing. It's a badass car. My dad had one of those cars. Really? It's the fucking hottest car. I remember in that era, because that was the late 90s.

Seeing those and just being like in awe like because that's what like and I felt like Derek Thomas had a SL5 You know, it was like the badass the baddest fucking Mercedes ever made. Yeah, I fucking loved that thing and and yeah, she loved that one Leanne is okay Leanne. You're not a civic. Okay, cuz she's not gonna get that she's gonna go like a civic Well, she's like a Raptor. You know, she is she's a now hold on not renovated. I

She's a Ford Bronco. A 68? A 68 Bronco. Like the fucking cool ones that people are refurbishing. Yeah, yeah, the rest of mine. I'd love to refurbish her. It'd be so fucking awesome. New interior. New interior, new exterior. She said to me the other day, you know what? I wouldn't mind. She's going to kill me for saying this. She's never talked about plastic surgery. She goes, I'll tell you what I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind getting my eyes done. And I go, and I...

did not realize what I was saying. And I looked at her and I go, that's where you'd start? And she went, what? And I was like, I'm just saying like that. That's where you'd start. Oh, like I just said it wrong? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Leanne's a Bronco because like...

she's like badass it like when you see it you're like oh that's a cool car but it's it's a little bit of a beater right now but like no but no but i god damn it i'm fucking this up she's all terrain she's just yeah she you can she's like off-roader for sure on the weekends fun as fuck right take the top off on the weekends fun as fuck um she's but like when you get in her

It's not very safe. The seatbelts are just lap belts. The windshield wipers don't work. Sometimes when you turn her on, you got to... I had that in a fucking special, I think. But Leanza Bronco. That's very good. What do you think you are? I'll tell you what I am. Okay. I'm a Model T.

Like the 1930s or 10, whatever? I accrued in value exponentially. Oh, that's very good. Like, I think when she got me, she was like, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? It doesn't even start. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, someone's like...

I think she probably saw other chicks walking by going, hot damn, you have a Model T? And Leanne's like, is it good? And they're like, fuck yeah. It's on an arena tour. She's like, oh shit, I better fucking shine my Model T up. I better take care of this Model T or this Model T will start fucking Porsches. She doesn't realize I don't want a Porsche. I want a Bronco. I want a Bronco. I want a Bronco. I pull her up to valet.

And I'm like, you can park it anywhere you want. Nothing's going to happen to it. She's going to be so fucking mad when she hears this. Of course.

Anybody, any reasonable person. You think Pusha's going to be happy that she's an old Mercedes? I think she'd love that. Yeah, she'd love it. It's a European, but she is, she loves that actual model. We were talking about, we were at our friend's house. Their friends are Asian, only because food's important to them. They're really into food, and they were talking about their relationship. And what I was trying to say is,

was, I should use this as a bit. What I was trying to say was being married to Leanne is like, like they were talking about what dish your wife would be. And I said, being married to Leanne would be, is like salmon. Like I, it's really good for you.

Is really good when done right. You can dress it up with a lot of shit. It's really fucking good. But all she heard was salmon. And Leanne doesn't like salmon. She's like, I ain't salmon. And I was like, no, you are. I could eat salmon every fucking night. Every night I could eat salmon. Sure. Especially if they crust the skin on top with a little sea salt. It's so simple. And it's so fucking good. So simple. And it's amazing. Of course, you can overcook it. And it'll be dry as fuck sometimes. Yeah.

I'm talking sometimes if you get on a plane, you're like, I'm going to get sick. Yeah. And then Leanne real quick goes, well, you're a turducken. You look good on paper, but you ain't right. She's like, you're real complicated. Everyone's like, ooh, turducken's here. Can't wait. And then you're like, wait, is that three types of foul in that? Ugh, I don't feel so good. I want something else. And I was like, that's the funniest thing she's ever said. Yeah, you kind of are a turducken. Who do you think you'd call when your dad dies?

I think about this a lot. I think about it a lot. I think, like, when I get phone calls from, like, my dad's office, I go, oh, fuck, it's on. Is he in pretty good health now? Yeah, he's got hip surgery coming up. Okay. He almost died. He almost died recently. I remember this. Yeah. I don't know. I'm probably going to be alone. I probably want to be alone. I was alone. I was alone. I mean, not immediately. Yeah.

I was alone. Here's what I was alone. I was alone the night before and I knew it was on the horizon. Yeah. Yeah. I remember, I think I definitely made a couple of phone calls. I definitely talked about it, but I was pretty selective. I'm probably the wrong person to call when your dad's about to die. Cause I'll just pivot and tell you my story of my dad. Probably. Yeah. That's probably why I didn't call you. But I, um, no, I really appreciated the, the calls that I had that I did make. And then the next day I was with family, uh,

And then, yeah, I mean, then everybody came out, you know, funeral stuff. I remember, I think of the thing your dad told you before he died all the time. His life goes on, buddy. Yeah. Life goes on. Yeah. I think of that. I think of that probably once a week. I think of that. I think about it too.

It's true. It goes on. Yeah. Cause sometimes I'll think like, Oh, what if I die right now or today? And then that quote will enter my head. I'll be like, yeah, the world goes on. It's crazy that I just take this podcast over and make it mine. One bear, one cave. And just solo. And I'll do, what I'll do is I'll use found footage of you or backlog footage of you and continue with you just listening. Oh, and I'll just have me like nodding and stuff. Yeah. Nodding. And I'll have you start sentences and then I'll just cut you off. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Can we do that guys? Yeah.

The day Tom dies. I think you already do. Can we do a, what? What was that? I was going to say, I think that's pretty much how the show already goes, right? Wow. Turn your mic off. The, uh, where the fuck's in the dob when you need them? He's on the front lines actually. What? Yeah. He flew back to fight. Are you being serious? No. Oh God. What are these? Just blocking bullets? No, no. Um,

I wonder two things. I wonder if I'll go straight to a bottle, you know, when your dad does. Yeah. Yeah. Or if I won't totally at all.

Yeah. There's no, I'm going to feel it. Yeah. I'm going to feel it. I'll be there. I'll be present. I'll be there for everyone else. I'll probably swallow it. And then, uh, and then it'll rear its head one fucking ugly evening. Yeah. That's how it works. Well, yeah. I mean like it's how it works differently for everybody. Some people are really in the moment grieving their hardest and then some people, and then it just affects you over time. I mean, it still affects me. It's just like, it affects you.

When you don't expect it to. That's the thing is you can't really control it. Really? Yeah. Like situations, someone you talk to, something you think about, something you say, something somebody else says. Like the grief affects you, everybody differently. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. So wait, wait, where am I on the call sheet? I guess...

it'll be number one but it'll be quick yeah quick one yeah i'll be like hey it happened and then he'd be like oh yeah i'm like yeah i'll talk to you later click okay and then apparently then i'll probably just go into some cave time and just disappear i've thought about disappearing so you know so crazy when i was at my like wildest when we were you know this last year and i was the heaviest and drinking hard and really going out getting after it i thought about disappearing all the time like this dave chappelle go to south africa i thought about it

All the time. It'd be nice, right? Just, I don't have that feeling at all. I love being present right now. I love like being dialed in. I love that.

I love that. I love this and I know that it will go away again. I know that. I know how my, I operate. Yeah. I know I'll gain weight back. That's how it always works. I'll fucking get, after Thanksgiving, I'll be like, fuck it. But I love being present. I love getting up and feeling good and feeling like going like, oh, let's go to the gym. Let's, let's, oh, I'm going to write. Like this morning I got up and I wrote and I was like, I watched your promo video where you skateboard with Tony Hawk and I was like, oh, it's so inspiring. Like I love, I love, you know,

What I loved about that, your video today, and it's a little late, so everyone's probably already seen it, but it's the one where you skateboard with Tony Hawk and you end up hurt. I love, love that I saw that

And I felt inspired. Like, that is the coolest fucking feeling that I saw that. I went, fuck, that's good. First person I texted was you. I said, I love your new promo. I love that. Because when I see good promos, like Schultz did a great set of promos for fucking Madison Square Gardens. I mean, that one broke me up. That was fucking, that was great. And it was, but I didn't text Schultz. I think he probably gets so many of those. But I text him throughout the time whenever he does something like that, kind of like,

Like his Toronto promos were great. Yeah. But I love that it inspires me as opposed to makes me shitty. Exactly. That's a healthy response. There's people that see that and they're like, oh, fuck him. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I got a tour. I got to promote a tour. I love that it inspired me. And I got up. I went down. I got a coffee.

Sat in my room and I started writing like just writing cuz I try to get this new hour So I'm like I'm like I don't have it yet. And so I was like texting my my daughters I was like I need us I'm missing a story. I did this special I need a story like what story is good and they always keep saying the same ones but I'm like now that They're not like fucking there yet. And so like but I love that it inspired me that I'm like I'm getting in the gym I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go. Oh, we got a big night tonight. We're gonna party like I love that. I

That's where I am as opposed to the feeling and I said this today when I went to the gym at the hotel I was dad I said, do you know how many times I got into this gym hungover? And I just said I would love you to just disappear to Paris for fucking seven days No one knows where the fuck I go. Yeah go to a hotel room fucking sleep for like three days Start drinking white wine get in a car disappear into the countryside like I it was so crazy that I was literally I

That I would have those thoughts when I'd come here and I would be like, it's so bizarre. I thought about disappearing a lot. I think I'll probably disappear. Oh, I guess I'll go to the funeral and then I'll disappear when my dad dies. Yeah. Do something crazy. I'll have people worried about me. Make it about me. You know me. It's on brand. It's on brand. Yeah. Okay. By the way, I have to tell you. Yeah. Out of all the podcasts we've done in this studio, this is my favorite one we've ever done. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, this is, I don't know why, I just really, I feel very present and connected to you. It's good. Yeah. I like it. I like it a lot. Do you notice a change in me? I mean, I have noticed a change since, I mean, I don't get to see you that often. So we text and we talk sometimes, but I mean, physically, definitely notice a change. Like it's good and you need it. Isn't it amazing how my body just rebounds?

that like I look physically, physically-- - Gorgeous. - Like I'm 25. - Yeah. - Like, I'm overweight at 25, but my body, like abs are showing up, my fucking arms are cut, my chest just fucking taut, taut. I did 50s, I did 50s for strict press 12 times, four times today.

What yeah 50 50 pounds on each arm strict press 12 times four rounds, okay? I'm fucking amazed at myself I'd you ever see the scene where Bruce Willis in that movie where he's the superhero where his son keeps putting weight on the machine and they're on the in the Downstairs and his son it's gonna breakable you ever seen unbreakable. Yeah Yeah when Bruce Willis finds out that he's a superhero and his son's just putting more on the rack and

And then he goes, I can't, I'm gonna get hurt. He's like, dad, try it. And he just keeps lifting more weight. That's what I feel like every fucking day. - Every day. - And I know I'm delusional, but God damn it. - Let's give it, let's get it. - Look at this fucking jaw. - Jesus, gorgeous. - God damn it, the skin is so. Do you think that there's someone that knows I'm a little bit joking, but then everyone knows, I think he's kind of serious. - Yeah, they kind of go, he's kind of serious. - My teeth is what I'd fix.

Go front. Edgerton James. Edgerton. Edgerton. That's his name. I call him Edge. Yeah. I get implanted all golds. Yeah. All golds. That's tight. You should do it. Fucking badass. Never have to brush again. Yeah. Clean up the rest of the toilet with the gold fronts.

At least put on like the, you know, grill piece. Yeah. We should get grills. It's very doable. For real. We're in Texas. Let's go ahead. Paul Wall up. Paul. Wow. Yeah, I do it. Let's do it, man. Hey, great episode, Tom. I love you. I love you too, man. We'll see you guys next week. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. What?

One goes to the top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.