Shannon Sharpe Won't Like This Bracket | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Guys, it is now officially ready to roll. The Two Bears 5K. It is happening and you can register right now if you go to TwoBears5K.com. It's going down May 7th. We have a lot of friends coming, a lot of celebrities, Jelly Roll, Shane Gillis, Tim Dillon, Mark Norman, Cam Haines, Michelle Wolfe. I'm forgetting names. Stavi's going to be there. They're all going to be there. If they're going to be at the Netflix The Joke Festival, they'll probably be at our 5K. A big race and then a party.

We've got a DJ. It's going to be a fucking blast. Go register right now. 2bears5k.com. So, like, if you're laying in a bed and you get to pick one dude to come and stand at the foot of your bed naked, is it Leo or Shannon Sharp? It's Shannon Sharp. Of course. Naked with that fucking hog. Yeah. And it's going to dump inside of you. Don't forget that. Blowing loads, and I'm going to hold it in. Oh, fuck. I'm going to hold it in as long as I can. Hold it in. 100%. Cheers. Cheers.

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On first three-month plan only, speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. We are back. You're back in town. Welcome back to Austin. It's so nice to be in Austin. I fucking love this town. It's such a great town. I would hate this town if not everyone lived here. Your arms look great. Thank you. Jeez. Yeah. Look at that. You know, Tom...

I see it. I see it. I wonder how many people, I wonder how many people, you ever think how many people, what percentage you'd fuck? What percentage of the population? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think it's, it's a, it's smaller, right? Like you, you don't want to fuck everybody. Do you? I think my number is probably pretty high. Really? Yeah. But I, I, I'm like a rescue dog kind of guy.

So like, I think there's people I'd have sex with. I go, ah, let's just do it. No, but then I wonder, I would love to know how many people would, I think we should start, um, we should start Raya accounts to see who we could fuck. It would be cool to see what kind of attention you could get. Let's do it. Like, okay, let's get, let's start Raya accounts. You think the spouses are going to be cool with this? Okay. Tell them. Oh yeah. Oh, then we'll start Raya accounts for our wives.

We'll see how they do. And just see what they could pull. I bet they could pull. I bet they'd be a lot nicer to us when they check their riot and DMS like 53, Pat swipe, swipe. And then they look at us 51. You know, we should probably just call like our agents or something and be like, Hey, can you just set this up? Okay.

You know what I mean? Like he set us up. Raya is the one for like high end people, right? Yeah. That's the, that's the, like you got to be accepted in it. And it's like, yeah, you have to, you don't just sign up. How do you get a right? I think you have to get referred or approved. Do you think you'd be married if you could have a swipe fucked people? What? Like if, like I'm looking at guys like right now, right? Like let's use, let's use, uh, who's a single dude. Who's a single comic we know.

I mean, I think we know a bunch. I don't know any. Sam Rowe. Yeah. I think he's single. Okay. He's not married. He's not married. He's like probably 40. Something like that. He's never going to get married because he can swipe fuck people. He can just get on his phone. But he's not like a... He's not a... He's not a pussy hound. He likes relationships. He likes... Yeah. Okay. Who's a pussy hound we know? Yeah.

Let's name top five pussy hound comics who are good pussy hounds. I'll tell you a good pussy hound. Who? A guy that gets, a guy that's like super sensitive, very, very woke. You know him, Nick Thune.

Oh, God. He hooks up with fucking beautiful women. You really want to put that out there? No, but he's not a pussy animal. Every chick he's with is like an artist or a poet, and they have cool tattoos, and they have interesting shirts and shoes. And he's done very well. God, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He might be over pussy. You know when those guys like...

they, they fuck so much. Shout out to Nick for being over pussy. Yeah. That's like, you know what he is? He's the, he's the billionaire who wears t-shirt and flip flops. And he's like, I don't, you know, I already did all that stuff. He's in an art. He's in an art exhibit this week. He does art. I actually thought one of the paintings in your conference room was one of his art. Oh really? Yeah. He's an artist. Like he does art now. He still does stand up. He's a brilliant standup. Yeah. He had a great joke. I just saw it online. I'm like,

Nick, I'm going to steal your joke. It was online. It's a really good joke. Oh, it's online. Okay. It's online. It's online. He goes, I don't understand allergies. I'm not even going to do the joke. Okay. Because I'm going to fuck it up and then everyone's going to be like, that's not funny. I can already tell. Yeah. I'm not going to fucking do the joke. By the way, I am very healthy and I drink bone broth. Yeah. Well, I can drink it too. They both gave us a glass. That's true. This is the best way...

You know what's so funny? I feel like a gentleman when I drink bone broth. I love it. In the mornings, it's like my treat. Yeah? Yeah, because I don't like to eat before I work out. I don't know the science about eating before working out, but I do know that if I eat, I'm burping the whole time. If somebody didn't know anything about us or this show, and somebody just gave them...

two minute clips to listen to of 25 episodes, they would for sure be like, oh, these are fitness gurus. Like we talk about this all the time. Like my workout, my workout. And then if somebody sees us, they'd be like, wait, what? Those are the fucking guys talking about their workouts. They don't fucking look like that shit.

Are we posers? No, we're talking about things that we like. I don't even know the research on bone broth. I just know that when I drink it, I don't feel hungry anymore. Yeah. I,

Dude, I'm so into broths that if we go to California Chicken Cafe. I got to tell you, I like when you threw a little kick in it too. Yeah, I like to step them up. I love getting the, we get the boxes from, I think it's fire and kettle. Kettle and fire. We get the boxes. That's what this is. I'll put them in and then I'll put them in a pan and I'll throw bones. I save bones in my freezer. I'll throw bones in there and I'll let it cook.

all night long. I let it cook until I get ready to go to sleep and then I turn it off. And then I, by the way, I'm not a doctor. Don't do what I do. I doctored up. I put some, I put lots of garlic in like cloves of garlic. I love garlic. I put cloves of garlic. I put a jalapeno or like a red pepper, chili pepper. And I just let it cook all night long. I like that. I like kicking up. I like, I have it. What was it? Was it chili flakes? The reason the last one chili flakes last time. That's good. Do we have chili flakes?

Let me check. Ooh, let's put some hot sauce in here. Get Dustin Poirier's hot sauce. Come on, any hot sauce is the best. It's funny, the stuff I don't really know, like I'm on this thing, BBPC-159. 157? That's it. Yeah. How did you know what I'm on? Because BPC-157 is a very well-known peptide for tissue repair. Oh, really? Yeah.

I haven't used it in a couple days because you got to keep it refrigerated. You're supposed to keep it refrigerated. Yeah. But I'm on that. I don't even know what it does, but I shoot it every night before I go to bed. I really, I mean, like when I got, I was excited to get vaccinated. Like I didn't even know, I didn't do any of the math. You got excited? I got excited. I was like, get me vax, baby. Yeah. I didn't do any of the math. I didn't do any research. Any side effects? I don't know. Maybe. When you were. Sometimes I drool out of this side of my mouth. Since the vax? Yeah.

That's a stroke. Nah. No, I noticed that my smile's not quite as straight since the max. That's fine. Look, can you tell one lip's lower? Let me see. That's your smile? Yeah. Sometimes I get on a Zoom and I forget that they can see me and I end up going...

You just look at yourself? I bet you look at yourself the whole time. Oh, I've done this where I look at my nose and go, that's so crazy. I have a deviated septum in the middle of a fucking Zoom. Yeah. In the middle of a fucking Zoom. I can't help it. Yeah. No, I don't do any of the research. I just listen to whatever I catch. Like cold plunge, I do it every day. I don't know what it does. I know I feel better. I sauna. I catch stuff on the internet and then I go, yeah, I'll put that in my life. Sure. I've done some crazy stuff. Like my happiness journal was a crazy thing.

When I started doing a happiness journal, I was like, I just saw Rob Deer. I got a journal. I got to get into that. I want to try that. Really? Yeah. You don't journal? Never. No. You should. It helps for me with writing. It's something about, I can't type. No, pen to paper. But when I write pen to paper, my brain thinks as fast as my fingers move. And so I'm going slow. Can I tell you the most brilliant thing I thought of? Dustin Poirier's hot sauce is fucking awesome. It's a lot. It's a lot.

Thank you, Coog. This is sriracha. Pass. No. I'm going a little bit of Louisiana hot sauce. Let's see. That was aggressive. Here we go. Stir it with my reading glasses. Dustin Poirier is like, that's not the advertisement I wanted. No. What do you think? Oh, whoa. Oh, wow. That's great. Yeah. Oh, that's great. Ooh.

Yeah. That's great. God, that's really good. That's what you need. A little kick. So you think you would have sex with a lot of the population? Yes. But you know what's boring is just to talk about the chicks. How about the guys that you would if you were gay? You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't see men, and I guess I'm old school, but I don't see men...

Like sexually unless they're famous. Like when a guy walks on a plane, I'll see things that are cool. Like Nick Thune's cool. Like I'll notice cool shoes. Like there was a guy at the airport yesterday. Cool style.

Cool style. I'll see guys trying too hard and that'll turn me off. Yeah. That's a real, and you see it at the airport like the most. Yeah. Airport. You see like, you're like, look what you did for the flight, bro. Like Jesus Christ. I see brothers sometimes. Like if I see a black dude, dark black dude. I thought you meant two siblings. No, no, no.

a dark black dude with yellow gold on. Yeah. I'm like, cool. I got swag. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I think, I think, I'm not gonna even say because I know that black guys don't find gay shit super fucking hilarious. But like, there's a couple black celebrities where I'm like, I'm like, yeah, he could, he could get me. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Who, like who? Kill a cam.

I'm just saying, he's just cool. He's got all that pink on, and next thing you know, you're like, eh. Yeah. He would not find that funny at all. I don't think this will click. No, I don't think. This clip won't play on his podcast. He's like, what if Mace was like, kill her. Yeah. Would you fuck Burt Kreischer? He's like, yo, what? Come on, pause. That's way beyond pause, bro.

Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero lunchbox, superhero backpack. But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat.

Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Um...

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I'm meeting Shaq next week. Really? Where at? I'm doing his podcast. That's awesome. Yeah, I'm so excited. I'm such a fan of Shaq's. I would not have sex with Shaq. No, you shouldn't. No. Don't tell him that either. I'm not even going to bring it up. No, don't. You can't bring up, you can't even bring up like gay shit with brothers. Like they just don't, they don't play that way. No. Like we play that way. Yeah. I love it. I love gay shit. Speaking of basketball, we have a bracket for you.

Oh, please tell me we're going to name NBA people we would fuck. I think it's just... I don't even know enough people in the NBA that I'd fuck. Real quick, top five NBA guys I would have sex with. Anthony Davis.

Really? I just saw him play the other night. LeBron, obviously. Steph Curry. I'd be the top. Well, those are also great stories. You know what I mean? Like when you're hanging out, you're like, you know who I just fucked? Steph Curry. People are like, get out of here. Really? And then you're like, yeah, the next day I had sex with LeBron. It was fucking wild. 48 hours. Yeah. The Greek dude, Giannis. Yeah. I'd have sex with him.

I feel bad. I'm only having sex with black dudes. And it's also superstars. Like you're such a fucking. Yeah. I should get some bench riders. Yeah. You're a social clamor. It's ridiculous. Who would we fuck? Okay. Let's do. Wait. Oh, we have a bracket. Yeah. It's a bracket. Oh, shut the fuck up. March madness, baby. Oh, oh, wow. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Fuck yeah. So we're going to find the most fuckable celebrity right now. Okay. So right now, the first... The most fuckable male celebrity. Are you ready? I am so fucking ready for this. I'm not even looking at the list. First... I'm putting a fucking Lucy in. Putting two Lucys in and drinking fucking... Come on, baby. Let's get this going. All right. Josh Hartnett. Really good looking. Lucky number seven. Or like rookie Tom Brady. Not Tom Brady now.

Right now, he's like super, you know, like he's so well put together. It's like he just got drafted from Michigan. He's kind of sloppy. I know my answer. I'm going to have to defend it. Okay. I feel like Tom Brady...

Didn't always have this goat mentality. So we're talking about having sex with the rookie Tom Brady I feel like there's a lot of thirstiness in that well, yeah, and also like he's got potential but you'd have to really see it in him I don't think I have that eye but Josh Hartnett you don't have to have no but I had that eye for Josh Hartnett Yeah, he when Josh Hartnett was a young actor. Yeah, I was like this guy's gonna be fucking huge and for whatever reason He never turned into our Tom Cruise. Yeah, you know but

In the movie Lucky Number Slevin, I love Josh Hartnett. He's very handsome. He's gorgeous. And a great actor. He's a great actor. What was the last movie he was in? I just saw him in a movie recently. He was in that movie, it was like a spy thing where he plays a superstar actor. That's what I just saw him in. Operation Fortune. Yeah, Rousse de Guerre. Wait, go to, real quick, go to his...

- Go to his IMDB. I just saw him in a movie the other day and I was like, he was an Oppenheimer. He was an Oppenheimer. All right, my answer, Josh Hartnett. - All right, so that bracket is settled. - Josh Hartnett over Tom Brady. - All right, here's one for you. And this is really good. I don't even want you to look. So here you have to balance kind of your I, so like are you just about hooking up? Or does who the man is influence you, okay?

Channing Tatum, which is a total hottie, or Winston Churchill. Fuck. Right? Oh, well, Channing Tatum and I grew up probably five miles from each other. Yeah. So I would have so much in common. You would, and you know that in bed his body's going to be great. We'd have great workouts. Here's my relationship with me and Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum, we wake up, he makes a joke about

About like Tampa, you know, and then he goes yeah, I was like door on Dale Mabry this morning I was like, yeah, and then he's like you got morning wood, right? Look at mine and like yeah, you guys can we fuck and then we go to the gym we work out Yeah, I get smoothies. We drive around the car. We go shopping together. We come home. We take naps He wakes up. We do a second workout. I mean my lifestyle is so healthy with I think about waking up with Winston. I

Oh, it's so great. Soft scotch, cigar in bed, two cigars. I'm going to Winston Churchill. There's no fucking way. That's why you got to talk it out. I'm fucking Winston Churchill. There's no fucking way. Soft scotch, cigar, breakfast in bed, lay in bed for three hours getting fucked up. Let's be honest, okay? And this is true for life. This is true for men and women. There's a million Channing Tatums.

There's only one Winston Churchill. You know what I mean? You said that. I should be on a fucking t-shirt. Sorry, and I don't mean that as disrespect to Channing Tatum. You are a special talent. I have already picked Josh Hartnett. There's a million Channing Tatums, and there's one Winston Churchill. I think Channing Tatum probably doesn't know who Winston Churchill is. He's probably like, why would he pick him? Yeah, what's he look like? When he sees him, he's going to be like, what the fuck? He doesn't even have abs. Can he dance? I can, uh.

And then I'm like, you're missing it. But here's the thing. Do you want a fun night or you want a fun life? I want to be sitting with someone at the end of the night in rocking chairs overlooking a meadow with a scotch or a whiskey and another cigar. And I want to hear him telling me about the world and really enlightening me. The conversation with Churchill is going to be... The problem with Gandhi is that he was a savage. Yeah.

You can never change a savage. There you go. And you're like, where are we? He walked to the ocean to make salt. Whose voice is that? Winston Churchill. Oh, okay. And then this is my impression of me at the end of the night with Channing Tatum.

Gandhi is he a DJ? Also DJ Gandhi I was a stagecoach. That's cool man. Hey, take a look at my abs and there that you'd be like they look great sleeping with Winston Churchill I'm so sorry Channing. He'll get over it. All right next one. Ooh DK Metcalf. He's really out of my league. So I'm already like I'm really big I'm already leaning towards him. He's really out of my league. Yeah, or Hugh Jackman.

Who's, by the way, so talented. Fuck me. Right? Fuck me. Because you know Hugh Jackman's there for the long haul. He's totally a loyal. He's not just going to fuck. DK is going to get tired of me. Yeah. He will get tired of me. I will exhaust him. Hugh Jackman will make love to me. Yeah. And then he, him and I will be connected forever. And think about this too. Like when you're kind of dozing off, Hugh Jackman's going to sing to you.

Oh, that's right. He's got a little. He's got a little. He's got all the talent. He can dance. He can sing. He can act. He also loves to work out. Okay, so hang on. So they'll both broaden my horizons. DK Metcalf's a very smart dude who's on the side learning ASL.

Like that's what he's doing for fun. So he's already out there. But I can't keep up with DK Metcalf because he's going to be like, yo, there's this new art exhibit. It's out in Seattle. We're going to drive out. Do you want to see it? I'm like, I'm not really into art. He's like, come on, man. You'd appreciate it. And then we go there and it's just like a can of Pepsi with a piece of shit on it. And he's like, isn't that cool? And then I go, I don't get it. And he's like, no, you got to look deeper. Hugh Jackman would take me to an art exhibit and he'd be like,

I don't really get it either. Should we go home and fuck? I think you're... I'm going Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman. There it is. Without a fucking doubt, Hugh Jackman. DK Metcalf, I'm so sorry I would not have sex with you. Okay. Next, we have both Kelsey brothers. Oh, wow. Hold on. Hold on. Or Ben Affleck. That's a really, really tough one. That's...

So difficult. So first of all, you're basically airtight with the Kelsey bros, right? Yeah. You're just a fucking spigot, right? Leaky submarine, just in the mouth and the ass. And by the way, there's a lot of power behind these thrusts. Oh, wow. I'm going to be fucking taking a fucking rest day. It's my Monday. Yeah, yeah. You're going to need that cold plunge. I think...

So I've always wanted to have a brother. So I think fucking both the Kelsey brothers, you'd be a part of the family and you'd get all the inside jokes. For sure, yeah, yeah. And all of a sudden you'd be welcomed in to them. Yeah. And you could hang out with, I mean, okay, well, they got to get rid of their wives. Yeah, yeah. Leave their families. Taylor and Kelsey are gone. Jason's wife are gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so... No, it's just you three. I know, but I got to be honest with you. Yeah. Their chicks kind of make them. Yeah.

They're kind of great. They're kind of great. And here's the other thing. They're chick, like, it's like Jason's a great guy. But when you meet his wife, you're like, oh, he's a fucking solid dude. Everybody that talks about being in these throuples, it's like, it's really tough to be enough for two people

You're always going to be dealing with like, Jason's going to be like, oh, I guess you spent the night with Travis last night. You know what I mean? And then you're like, dude, I fucking love you. I might be enough for a throuple. You think so? I might be the perfect guy for a throuple because I'm a lot. You are a lot. I might have total throuple energy. But then the question is, Benafleck.

- Oh, brooding. Cigarette dunkin' donuts. Always, he's got the same scrolling thing I have where he's like, "God, man, I'm fuckin', I wanna get down tonight." And then I could get a loose-- - But he's sober. - No, not with me. Not with me. - And he's just left J-Lo again. - He's just left J-Lo, he's lost, he's confused. He's got a house in the hills. We bump into each other at Runyon Canyon and he's like, "Hey, I saw the thing that you and the other guy did with the brackets, is that real?"

And I go, huh? And he goes, would you for real? And I go, yeah, I said it. And he go, hey, come hang out with me tonight. I'm off the wagon. I'm partying. I got my shit under control. And I'm like, okay. He's like, hey, don't bring your chick. Just me and you. You're like, yeah, of course. And then the other pitch is me and you are at an event and the Kelsey brothers walk up shoulder to shoulder with me. And they're like, hey, we saw the thing you did with Tom. Is that real? Can we take turns on you? Yeah.

And I go, fuck. I'm going Benaflek. I'm going Benaflek. I'm going Benaflek. The athletes are too used to just getting what they want. Yeah, and that's the other thing is they would fucking do things to me that I'd go, no. And they'd be like, shut up. Shut the fuck up. Just fuck his mouth. Yeah. Fuck his mouth. Jason. I think about you truly not being someone overpowering you. Shut the fuck up. And they just hold you down. You're like, ugh.

That's Benafleck. Benafleck, okay. Fucking Benafleck. God damn, it's Benafleck. Wow, these keep getting better. Are you ready? Yeah. I'm going for another Lucy. Yeah, you're going to need it. Leonardo DiCaprio. Oh! Or Shannon Sharp. Club Che Che or Leo. I'm so glad I didn't look at this list. Okay.

So, you know, one of my dreams is get to Leo to do Arnie for me. Really? Oh, yeah. I can climb Gilbert. Yeah. Yeah. And I would if I was dating him, he would definitely do Arnie for me. He would do it for you all the time. Yeah. All the time.

Shannon Sharp, though, he's flying private everywhere he goes. It's cool. We could wear matching outfits. Yeah. With man bags. You go to all these events. You get access. I mean, you get access with either one, but he's actually going to sporting events, which you like. And if you're talking body, just touching another man's body, I would want to touch Shannon Sharp's body so bad. Right.

i'm imagining i hate that sentence so much i guess i'm never doing club shea shea i don't think so by the way a lot of people are saying he's gay right now so he's probably like hey can we please stop this yeah can we please stop this yeah just to feel shannon sharp's nipple look at him look at him here he's 55 or 56. that body jesus christ bro

that's a specimen man so like if you're laying in a bed and you get to pick one dude to come and stand at the foot of your bed naked yeah is it leo or shannon sharp it's shannon sharp of course with that fucking hog yeah just and it's gonna dump inside of you don't forget that i'm definitely letting canada sharp to come inside me blowing loads and i'm gonna hold it in i'm gonna hold it in as long as i can

I'm so sorry, Shannon Sharp. I bet I get kicked off Shaq's podcast now. I was supposed to do 85 South. I hope this comes out after. Why don't black guys find this fun? I don't understand it.

okay it's so much fun all right i'm going leo no you oh you are i'm going leo i can't i got to respect all my black friends and say that i would not have sex with shannon sharp okay i would have sex with leonardo dicaprio that and we do fun shit we wear our masks out in public so no one could recognize by the way here's a guy don't forget he's been living this life of like really no responsibility except like where do you want to go

For fucking like 30, 40 years now. Oh, and it's like being friends with Richie Rich. Yeah. Like you get up and he's like, hey, you want to take the golf cart down to Sunset? You're like, you can ride golf carts on the street? He's like, we can do whatever we want. Yeah. And he just drives and you're like, hey. And you know he'd bring women in every now and then into the bed with you. Yeah. You're like, hey, let's just. He'd be like, you want a chick tonight? And you'd be like, I guess. He's like, yeah, let's get McDonald's and fuck a chick. You're like, okay. Okay. Pretty cool. I'm rolling Leo's. Sorry, Shannon. All right. Odell Beckham Jr.?

Or young Johnny Depp. It's almost the same debate. It really is as the last one. It is. And I don't want to seem like I don't think I've picked a black guy yet. You have not. And that makes me suspect. Yeah. You still have another chance coming up. You're talking about young Johnny Depp. I know. That was like as good as it gets. And you're talking about young Johnny Depp who's figuring out how to be old Johnny Depp. So I get all the fun Johnny Depp.

I get the learning how to play guitar Johnny Depp. I get the fucking trash hotel. What was that? Learning how to play guitar. Oh, I thought you said learning how to play the tar. No, learning how to play guitar. Okay.

And I get trashing hotel rooms Johnny Depp. I get getting into wine Johnny Depp. Smoking so much. Smoking cigarettes but no cough Johnny Depp. I get full head of hair, fucking sloppy in the morning Johnny Depp. Learning how to buy bracelets, you know, how to accessorize his outfits. Versus Odell Beckham Jr., full of swag, full of style. Yeah.

very cool very cool but also fun dude I think has like I'm sure he can't get hard unless someone's eating his ass like he's had oh yeah but I can't I can't sit with a dude who can't get it up for me right oh like I know that there'll be times he'd be looking at my body be like no no no hang on give me a sec

and he'd just be pumping his cock, and I'd be like, Odell, is that the hand you got the ball with? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, stop. Can you just, can we lower the lights? Yeah, I'm going Johnny Depp. Young Johnny Depp. Young Johnny Depp. Wow. Which, as a guy who's only picked whites, is an interesting lead into the next category. Yes. John Stamos or Hitler. But wait, think about it, though. Wait, young Hitler? Yeah.

Like World War I Hitler? No. But things haven't really turned yet. He's just gotten the power. So you got big idea Hitler. You got big ideas, and he's not yet labeled as bad as he is. Okay. Or John Stamos. Yeah, John Stamos. Right now, John Stamos? Yeah, right now. Right now, John Stamos? Yeah. Very handsome and charming.

But again, think about, you're like, man, you're going to run this whole country. What are you going to do? You know, like he's like, I have ideas. And you're like, no, that's cool. I have ideas too. Can I take you to Zabanka? Yeah. I want to show you Zabanka. It's like lots of potential. Maybe you could write history. You think I could fuck him out of racism? Maybe.

first time he brings it up you're like it's not them it's yeah everyone's created equal there's there's i know that like things are bad right now but what about us they're being homosexuals right now yeah and you'll be like it's okay it's okay it's cool man are you coming i'm coming he's like i still have not had an erection can i tell you his own secret i'm part jewish too there you go and i'd be like and then he'd be like now you have to die

I can't pick Hitler. Yeah, I understand. And I'm not picking you, John Stamos, because I can't pick Hitler. I'm picking you, John Stamos, because you're a well-rounded kid from Orange County who just wants to make people happy. And you're gorgeous. That's really nice. I'm picking John Stamos over Hitler. And Stamos gets to watch this and be like, that's cool that I got chosen over Hitler. I bet I get a text. You should have picked Hitler. All right.

And here, oh, this one, this is really, this is right up your alley. Brad Pitt. Oh, God damn it. Or. Or. Killer Cam. Man. Man. I'm about to ruin a relationship. Yeah. It's a tough one, huh? Just a quick reminder, there are not yet any people of color on your list. All right. So let's break it down. If we're talking about a lover I can have a great dinner with. Yeah. I don't think.

Brad Pitt and I live adjacent lives now. I think he eats clean He doesn't drink doesn't smoke weed anymore. I think he has he has a he'll have a cocktail or glass of wine No, no over sober he is I didn't know square sober Okay, and so so like it would be cool to be with Brad Pitt at Eddie V's Like if Rogan's at a table over there, he'd be like, oh, it's up. You're Brad Pitt. What's up? How you doing? And then he'd be like, you know Joe Rogan. Oh, yeah, you want to mirror you and he'd be like no I'm cool. That would be nice, you know, and

But if you're talking about we're talking about are we just talking fucking are we thinking about possibly being a life partner with this person? I guess it's however you want to interpret I'm looking at these as long-haul like relationships got you without a doubt my final pick Yeah, kill a cam Wow. I put kill a cam over Brad Pitt I hope you appreciate that Cameron and I hope you find this it would love and you can pause take it all in and

Pause. But I would take Kill Cam as a lover over Brad Pitt. I bet there's a hell fucking no going on right now. No, I bet. This would be a great pit for Kill Cam and Mace to do. Mace and Cam do the same list. They're going to be like, who the fuck's Josh Hardnett?

Winston Churchill. All right. Now, but now it gets interesting. Oh, we're going second round. Yeah. You got to go. You got to make your picks. Oh, this is the most fuckable person. This is for you. Okay. Okay. Let's go. All right. We'll do it a little faster. Hartnett or Churchill. Okay. And once again, it goes to

I think I could be a part of Josh Hartnett's second coming. Yeah. Pause. The, I could be, I could, I think together we could both be bigger things and I think it would be fun to grow with someone. But at the same time, you're telling me I get to fucking have sex and wake up every morning with Winston Churchill. Yeah. And now I got to suck his dick too. You do have to sometimes. So like, and so.

Yeah. I've got to look over that belly and I'm like, oh. But here's the thing. At this point, you're loving the guy too. It's not just like, oh, this is the body. How much sex do you think me and Winston Churchill would have? Not that, not like, I think like twice a month tops. Twice a month tops? Tops. And Josh Hartnett, we would fuck a lot. Probably all the time, yeah. But, you know. I think I want to be someone's boy. Yeah.

So Winston Churchill over Josh Hartnett. Wow. That's an incredible choice. And we move along to next up. Oh, this is like very like similar ish types, but like it's really about lifestyle that you want to live. Hugh Jackman or Ben Affleck. Oh, fuck me. Once again, Hugh Jackman's not, he's a ride or die. Yeah. He's there for the long haul. I think so. Ben Affleck's going to get tired of me.

I'm going to exhaust him, and I'm going to trigger him back into his alcoholism. Yeah. And it's going to be bad, and then people will blame me. They will. And Gwyneth Paltrow and all those girls are going to start blaming me. I'm going without a doubt. Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman. Next up, Leonardo DiCaprio or young Johnny Depp. You can almost not tell them apart in a way. This is almost fucking, oh, shit. Yeah. I mean, that's Hollywood elite.

Very easy. Yeah. Johnny Depp. Young Johnny Depp. And wow, this is an interesting battle. Do you want the...

the traditionally handsome John Stamos, who you know is a good time, puts a smile on your face. Not Hitler. He's not Hitler. He's not Hitler. He probably makes breakfast. John Stamos or Killer Cam. Killer Cam. Without a doubt. Killer Cam. I hate to say this, buddy. You might be going to the finals. Oh, shit. All right. And now we're in the quarterfinals. Okay. Quarterfinals. Churchill or Hugh Jackman? Oh, fuck. They both have accents. Yeah.

They're both older gentlemen. I'm both their boys. Yeah. Winston Churchill or Hugh Jackman? Winston Churchill or Hugh Jackman? Without a doubt, I'm going Hugh Jackman. We'll go surfing in the mornings. I got to tell you, that surprised everybody. We're going surfing in the mornings. We're going to do activities. We're going to have sex. He's much more active. Great dinners. He's going to show me stuff I don't know. He is. He's more noble than I am. And I will spend more time with him. Winston Churchill is going to die soon. I will spend more time with him. Okay.

Young Johnny Depp or Kill a Cam. Fuck! I know, I know. Now even Kill a Cam's like, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one. Kill a Cam or Young Johnny Depp. I've got a guy with amazing stories and a guy with amazing stories. Yeah. I'm sorry to do this. Yeah. And I still am a huge fucking fan. Yeah.

- I'm going Johnny Depp. - Young Johnny Depp. - Young Johnny Depp. - I think you saved the potential relationship here. - Oh fuck, oh my God, so he, okay. - Now it's the finals. It's the finals, dude. Who are you gonna choose? - I can't believe that in my final running, I don't have great names like Winston Churchill, Ben Affleck. I don't have great fucking names. Josh Hartnett, Leo, Shannon Sharpe, they're all out of the finals. I'm so shocked.

that they didn't make it to the finals. This is like my final choice is either Johnny Depp or Hugh Jackman. Yeah. Johnny Depp or Hugh Jackman. I want you as a listener right now, very quickly, who would you get into a relationship with sexual relationship? And it's young Johnny Depp. It's young Johnny Depp.

Young Johnny Depp. We're riding motorcycles. We're going to the Viper Room. Yeah. We're going to the Viper Room. We're hanging out late night. All the time. Anthony Kiedis is there. Yeah. Flea. The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Fucking Keith Richards shows up. Slash comes over. Yeah. Or we're making sourdough bread. Yeah. It's like, what lifestyle do you want to live? Have you ever seen the Philadelphia story? And I'm like, what? He's like, come on. It's a great movie. It's in black and white. And I'm like, oh, it's a black and white movie. He's like, you'll really like it.

I just read this great book about Truman Capote. You should read it. Or Johnny Depp smoking cigarettes. Fucking. You're up till 5 a.m. I just got this script. Pirates of the Caribbean. What do you think? Ladies and gentlemen, I, Burt Kreischer, would like to be in a homosexual relationship with Johnny Depp. Wow. With Johnny Depp. Without a fucking doubt. We are lifestyle adjacent. We are both from Florida. We are big homies.

Fucking lovers of life. We spend money recklessly. We are victims. We've been victimized by women. Yeah. And we have found each other in love, in a homosexual relationship.

We get each other. I thought it was going to be this time in your life kind of more of a Hugh Jackman send-off. I was a little surprised that you went for young Johnny Depp. I'm shocked Hugh Jackman got as far as he did. Wow. Yeah, I didn't think about that. I'm shocked. If you had said, Bert, who's the top five guys you're going to fuck? Oh, easy. Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, Killah Cam. Killer, yeah. And Shannon Sharp. Shannon Sharp, yeah.

But if you said to me, did you know that Hugh Jackman will make it to the finals? He just caught me off guard. He's a sleeper. He's a sleeper. He's a sleeper. That's why people love him. That's why he's a movie star. The only thing that I will tell you this, you chose who you chose and that's who you're in a relationship with now. I feel like the Hugh Jackman one, you guys would die in each other's arms. And I feel like Johnny Depp is going to leave you. He won't leave me. No? He won't leave me. I'll always be a part of his life. Yeah.

We may not be as close. We may see other people. Yeah. But we'll always be together. Hugh Jackman, you're right. He would be. Yeah. He would be the one. On the bedside. In hospice. Yeah. Coming in next to me going, how are we doing today? Yeah. God damn it. I'm sorry, Hugh Jackman. I would love to still have sex with you. It's just I don't want to be in a relationship. Ow. Yeah. It's Johnny Depp. I'm sorry. And I know you probably heard that in casting rooms. Like, Johnny Depp's the obvious choice. Hugh Jackman's a little jaded by this. I bet he's.

I hope someone shows it to him. Just casually show this to him. Yeah, just let him. Just someone go, hey, have you seen that clip that the two guys, Burt Kreischer and Tom Segura did? And he's like, I don't know who they are. I'm not sure if that's his accent. It's pretty close. It's pretty close. And be like, wait, they want to fuck me? All right. Yeah. Johnny Depp's going to get this and go, that's what I thought. I knew it. Kid still got it. Rolls one up. Rolls one up with one hand. Yeah. He goes...

just so you know this can happen yeah you guys be an amazing couple we would dude we would have so much fun we really would have fun as friends like if you had to do friends out of this list who do you think would just go to the go run down the list who do you think you'd be best friends with okay and you can't say brad pitt okay just okay ready i'm gonna name them off you tell me who you think you'd be better friends with real quick real quick ready hotnet or brady

Brady. Okay. Churchill or Channing Tatum? Tatum would be easier for me. Okay. DK or Hugh? DK. Okay. You're picking all the opposite ones I picked. Okay. Leo or Shannon Sharp? Friends. Leo or Shannon Sharp? Friends?

Leo. Okay. Really? Yeah. I think you and Shannon Sharpe have so much in common. Really? Yeah, because he knows sports. You love sports. All right. Johnny Depp or Odell Beckham Jr.? Johnny Depp. I'm not going to let you pick Odell Beckham Jr. Okay. Hitler or Stamos? Stamos. You have so much in common. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I own those teacups. Killikam and Brad Pitt? Well, I mean. Friends. Come on.

Hold on. You're telling me if you had an opportunity if you got a phone call and you and it was and the phone call Was the exact name same thing said by the exact same person by the same two people. I

Tom, it's Killa. Tom, it's Brad. Listen, man, I'm in a weird place in my life and I'm reaching out to people that I like and I want to just spend more time with. I've got a trip out to Italy, Enzo Ferrari's old house in his villa. We're going to spend the night and drive Ferraris tomorrow.

i would love for you to come just me and you hang out nothing weird just be friends you're gonna pick to do that with ju with brad pitt over killer cam no i'm not saying that it's like like hitting them against each other is like it's it feels like dude cam's the guy kim would be a lot of fun he'd be so much fun yeah he'd be the most and you'd laugh so hard that's true with brad pitt i'm not certain you'd laugh

No, you'd have a good time. You'd have a good time. You'd have fun. But with Cam, it would be like a whole other level. It would be a whole other level. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brad Pitt's got it. He's been famous for too long. He's got to measure himself. Yeah. Cam's loose. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay, so out of that list of guys you just picked, just go real quick. Who could be your best friend? I'm going to name them. You picked Hartnett. I didn't. I picked Brady. You picked Brady, Tatum, DK. DK. DK.

Can't read we didn't even do that. We didn't even do that bracket. I can't read it. That's Kelsey bros are at Ben We didn't even do that. Oh Kelsey bros. Yeah friend for sure out of all those. Those are the guys. Yeah That's who you gonna be in friends with that's who you'd be friends with. Yeah, so guys I'm putting you in the friend zone. Yeah, sorry Sorry, Kelsey brothers Burt's not gonna fuck either of you. That's right. I chose Ben Affleck over the Kelsey brothers. That's right. I

Ben Affleck would be a cool friend. He would be a cool friend. I just think he's so deep. Like, I think there's a part of him that really like, he's really fucking smart. I've seen so many clips of him talking about like a sobriety number one, but talking about his life. And I just really like Ben Affleck. I saw him one time masked up. And that's when the first time I was like, oh, the masks don't hide your identity at all. No.

No. You saw him in person? Yeah, in person and wearing the mask. And I was like, oh, that's Ben Affleck. You would think that you're anonymous. And it's immediate. You're like, that's Ben Affleck. If you had to pick a friend, Matt Damon or Ben Affleck, who would you be friends with? If you had to pick a friend? Yeah. Jesus.

Matt's a little more stable, I think. Yeah. I think you land on your feet at the end of every day with Matt. I think with Ben, there's some mornings where you wake up on your back like, what the fuck did we do last night? Matt'll text you back.

You're more of a Ben Affleck guy. I'm definitely a Ben Affleck guy. Yeah, yeah. And you are definitely a Matt Damon guy. Like you and Matt Damon would have a lot in common. I went to his 40th birthday party. Isn't that crazy? Matt Damon's 40th? No, you didn't. I swear to God. Why? It was so random. You don't know this? Uh-uh. So I was doing the improv on Melrose and I get off stage and I go to the bathroom and as I'm peeing, I swear I've told you this story before. As I'm peeing, there's a guy standing behind me like...

eight feet away and he goes thank you and i was like for what and i keep peeing and he's like for what you just did for putting on that like thank you for that and i was like oh and it was matt damon so i'm like for your stand-up yeah i did a set it was just like a 15 minute set yeah and i was like oh i go that's a weird way to just be like thank you i just joked about it he's like no no you're right you're right he goes no that was great and i was like oh thanks man appreciate it

wash my hands, go out into the parking lot and there he's there. And so is Tom Papa who, Oh, they were in a movie together. And they're friends. So then Tom Papa is like, Oh, you know, kind of keeps the conversation going, blah, blah, blah. And then he's like, well, Hey, I'm, I'm, I'm having my, my birthday dinner. You want to come? And I was like, where? And it's like directly across the street, that restaurant across streets, gray restaurant. So I was like,

Okay, sure. So I go across the street and it's Matt, his wife, John Krasinski, Emily Blunt. What? Yeah, a couple other notable people. And then me.

And I'm just like, this is two 75 Tom. Yeah. Big boy. Just, and then, you know, and that's so nice. That's like watching me. Hey, more calamari for the big guy. It was great. No, but he's so nice that he's introduced me to people who have absolutely no fucking idea who I am. And he's like, he, he goes, he just fucking destroyed the improv. And I was just like, oh, and then they would go cool.

That's it? Well, what are they supposed to say? They're like, oh, that's cool. That's cool. Yeah. We're at Matt's birthday dinner. Who the fuck are you? And so, yeah, I mean, you know, we just, whatever. We had dinner. Everybody was super nice. I tapped out early. Really? Yeah. I mean, I got another spot over the store. I got to get out of here. What's Emily Krasinski like? Or Emily Krakauer? What's her name? Blunt? Yeah. What's Emily Blunt like? Uh,

They were all super sweet. - I heard she's the motherfucker. I heard she is the coolest person in Hollywood. - They were, I mean, you know, it was a dinner. They were all very nice. - I've heard secret time stories about Emily Blunt

I've heard secret time stories I can't divulge where I heard. Yeah. Where she goes to big celebrities and makes them human. Really? To everyone. Like, she goes in totally unfazed by the whole fucking celebrity thing. She's pretty famous. No, but even at the time, I don't know. I mean, she's famous. She's not, like, famous, famous, is she? Mm-hmm. Really? Yeah. I thought only I knew who she was. Emily Blunt? She's married to John Krasinski. I know. But, like, John Krasinski is famous, but he's not, like...

Okay, I mean this with love. I hope they hear this with love. He's like a regular guy actor. He's not like a... I know he does big things, and he's been in big things, but he's also like an approachable actor. He's not like Johnny Depp. Right, right. You could walk up to him. I get what you're saying. If I saw him, I'd go, oh, what's up, dude? Yeah. Like, okay. But like, there's...

Maybe it's because he was in the last generation of sitcom that I find him approachable. Totally. You know, but like she married a regular guy. It's like Dax Shepard's a regular fucking guy. Right. Like, yes, he is a celebrity, but in the world of celebrity, he's also a bro. Approachable. Approachable. And there are actors that are not. Leo's not a bro. He's not approachable. But I hear Emily Blunt goes. Matt's approachable.

Matt Damon's approachable? I think so. Really? I do think so. I think he's very regular guy energy, especially in person. Like when in person you go, that's Matt Damon, but you realize that he's very down to earth. Yes. Is he the kind of guy that wears cool hats or just a hat because he needs a hat? Just whatever. I fucking hate those people. Yeah.

That's such a weird thing to say. My hat's a part of my outfit. No, I think he's just throwing one on. He just goes, it's like, you're like, oh, you play golf? And he's like, I don't even know what hat this is. Yeah, yeah. Fuck. Yeah. He's cool. He's cool. He's very, like, for real cool. God damn it. I don't have anything like that. I saw Chris Robinson from Black Crows. Yeah. And I made a fool out of myself. Of course you did. Tell me. It was so bad. Where was it? It was at Dantana's. Uh-huh. And I was with a guy named Chris. Yeah.

Did you make that a big deal? You're both named Chris? Worse than that. Oh, God. I was with a guy named Chris. I know that he's friends with Chris Porter, and his name happens to be Chris Robinson. Your friend's name? No, Chris Robinson's name happens to be Chris Robinson. But I'm also with a Chris, and I know that he's good friends with Chris Porter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I walk up to him, and I go, hey, man, huge fan. I know Chris.

Now I have so many Chris's in my head right now and he goes really Chris who and I went Chris Robinson and he was like I'm Chris Robinson and I was like no Chris hold on it's a comedian and he goes Chris that's a comedian and I went god damn it you're friends with him and he went Chris Porter and I went that's him and he went you know Chris Porter and I was like yeah and he was like cool and I was like cool and I just walked away.

Get I get it was so bad. It was so bad. I should call Whitney Whitney posted it It was so bad posted she posted it she recorded me. Hey Siri call Whitney Cummings. It was so bad God dammit you Siri fucking dirty whore. Do you ever type? No, I can't see you have glasses right there. I know Okay, it was so bad. It was the worst part. We face him here. Yeah, I pay somewhere Here's the worst part. Yeah

I couldn't stop it. And Whitney saw me not be able to stop it. She saw me go, uh, it's happening. She's like, what? I go, there's Chris Robinson. I'm going to go say hi. And she goes, don't. And I went, no, I'm, it's already started. And I couldn't tell him my feet were already walking. And she was like, what are you doing? And I just fucking, she's not answering. She does have a child. Um, I went to the red hot chili peppers concert, by the way.

such an epic fucking band was it oh yeah well of course it's such an epic fucking band at the forum I'm at the forum May 11th for Netflix is a joke I'm the only comedian that's gonna be there the whole week uh that's not true there's a couple other ones I'll be there May 9th May 9th May 9th Tom will also be at the forum uh

But that's the only ticket you can get now. They're all the ones are already there. They capped it and they're not selling any more tickets for the Tom Brady roast or the wit to Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah, none of it party or the fucking Shane Gillis fucking free for all Bud Lightfest. None of those things are all capped them. They said bottom bowl only only Tom and Birkin to sell top all. Okay, May 11th. Go to Netflix is a joke.com. Got you. Oh, hold on. I'm not done. What 5k? Oh, 5k by me. Oh, we should announce that.

The 5K is going down. It's going to be in Los Angeles. Los Angeles. May 7th. Tuesday, May 7th. Go to 2bears5k.com. The number two, the word bears, 5k.com. 2bears5k.com. And we will have, we should have, and I'm going to put this out there, and I know that we're still working on it. We should have, for those of you who can't come out to Los Angeles that week to see me and Tom perform at the Forum on separate nights and run the 5K.

Make a week of it. Make a fucking week of it. Treat yourself to a fucking week. Yes. Pour yourself a glass of porosos. I will say this, though, too. If you are thinking about doing the 5K and you're going to sign up, you should sign up immediately because they're going to actually have to cap how many people we can have. Yes. And we've got huge celebrities coming out. Jelly Roll is going to be there. Shane Gillis is running it. Tim Dillon. Stuck.

Stoudy, Cameron Haynes, Michelle Wolf, Mark Norman, Big J. Every comic's going to be there. We're going to have a fucking blast. We're going to have a big party afterwards. Lots of booze.

Tom and I are at the forum that week. We will also have an online component. So if you want to run this at home with us, you've got to do it with us. I think we're going to have a live stream. Hopefully we can put it up on Netflix. You've got to get up early, May 7th. Yeah, May 7th. You've got to get there, and you can do it on the treadmill, and we'll get you a shirt. You can sign up online. There will be an online component because, like I said, when we started this, we wanted this to be a communal thing. We love seeing your posts about you running. Both Tom and I are running to try to make sure that –

I don't know, by the way, I was told by the, because we've teamed up with Spartan Race to help promote this, to help do this, because they know how to run a race.

And I said to Spartan Race, I'm going to run it in 26 minutes. That's your time you're going for? Every minute over, I'm going to donate $1,000 to a charity. And they said, that is a horrific idea because people will be tackling you to make you donate money. Oh, I don't think you have to worry about the tackling. And so I was like, yeah, but I don't want people stopping me. I don't want to take pictures. So we don't know if we're going to do the charity event. But that's your goal time? My goal time is 26 minutes.

- Okay. - Yeah, it's eight minutes and 30 seconds a mile. - But didn't you say that you-- - I'm having a hard time getting there. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm having a really hard time getting there, especially with, I just hurt my back doing the 21, 24.1. - But wait, wasn't, aren't you running like a nine and a half minute mile?

Right now? Yeah. Yeah. But that's, is that your sustained pace? Eight minutes and 30 seconds is my sustained pace for the 5K. No, no, no. What are you capable, like what are you? Right now? Yeah. Nine minutes. You're running nine minutes for three miles? No, no, no, no, nine minutes and 30 seconds probably. For three miles? Yeah. When Vegas, I did not. No, I know that. Yeah.

I, I'm wondering if this is just another Burt claim. Listen, they're all Burt claims. Okay. My entire life is Burt claims. My daughters don't believe anything I've ever done. My daughters don't believe I was bit by a bat. They don't think I won the Florida state regatta. There's a lot of things. My daughters go, this is another Burt story. Yeah. I told him about hella skiing in, uh, in Switzerland. And they were like, okay, dad, you got on a helicopter. Sure. I was like, that's not the most unbelievable part of the story. You fucking idiots. So, uh,

But yes, 5K by May. Okay. It's happening. Your goal is eight and a half minute miles. Eight and a half minute miles. Okay. I'm going to be fucking slick by then. Okay. Dude, I got perfect blood work. I heard. I can't stop bringing it up. Can I tell you a little sidebar? And I didn't mention this last episode and I...

This is what's crazy and I want to put this out have you ever had a post that does well and you kind of go back to Instagram and check and go oh wow it's a million views that's really cool and you get this feeling of accomplishment that you created a product that the people are responding to. Sure. I had that feeling when I got good blood work I wanted to post about it I wanted to text people that I got good blood work but then I was like I think you're just supposed to be healthy.

I wanted to share it because I was so happy. You're proud of it. I was proud. I really put in a lot of work. Guys, if you don't have a cardiologist, get a cardiologist right now. I'm going to have my cardiologist on my podcast to talk about it because it is totally avoidable. Having a stroke or a heart attack is totally avoidable. You can get in front of it. You can get on medications. You can have someone monitor you. You can get on a dietary program. Lifestyle choices. Lifestyle choices. Listen, if I'm sitting here drinking bone broth and drinking liquid death, by the way, my other thing is I...

murder if i drink i murder four liquid deaths right before i go to bed you do murder them murder them and i feel like a million bucks the next day sure um 5k two bears 5k.com tuesday may 7th in los angeles we'll announce the location soon it's gonna be awesome yeah it's gonna be awesome we're gonna have a blast location meaning specifically we're looking at two places we're looking at two places

one I really want. The second one would be cool as fucking shit. By the time you see this, it'll probably be on the website. It'll already be announced that we're doing it at the Rose Bowl. So...

So keep that in. So wait, so I go to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. Now as a guy who lives in Los Angeles and didn't forsake his city for tax breaks, I really got to feel a quintessential LA band playing in LA for LA people. Like when they play Californication, like you really, like it was the coolest fucking thing. It gets even cooler. Right. So,

Hit up the people at the forum. They took care of the tickets. Me, my daughter, one of her friends, and Leanne. My eyeless friend does not know that I'm a comedian, does not know anything. We just prefaced it like we're going to take a separate entrance. Yeah.

Before the show with Kevin Kline, you remember Kevin Kline? Yeah. Kevin Kline does K-Rock now. Yeah. And we've known Kevin Kline for fucking 22 years. Yeah. A good longtime friend, longtime friend, followed him down to San Diego. Like I was when he was up at North California. Yeah. I've done his show forever. I see him and I get so excited that a guy I know is on stage bringing on the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And I start to record him on in from my seat. I'm like, shit, it's Kevin Kline, right? It's my friend. Yeah. A guy I really know.

And then he says, before I bring up the red hot chili peppers, ladies and gentlemen, the machine is in the building. Bert Kreischer, where are you? Place goes fucking nuts. I get chill bumps like crazy. I'm like, shut the fuck up. That's me. I was like, he knows you. I'm like, I fucking really know him. And I stand up. I rip my shirt up like this, just lift it up. And place goes nuts. Now, not everyone's in there, but the place goes nuts. Like people on the floor, lights are totally up. So people see me. It's really fun. Really fun. So then.

Red Hot Chili Peppers goes on. And you know this is my energy. I'm a Jumbotron motherfucker. I went to those fucking Rams games just to get on the Jumbotron. I swear to God, I'm an old school 1980s kid. Getting on the Jumbotron was a big fucking deal. They do their whole set, encore, hop off stage. Everyone's cheering, waiting for them to come back. Come on. Yes, yes. Right? Yeah.

The fucking jumbotron cuts to me in a pure moment of joy like this high as fuck Fucking three drinks in smile ear to ear I see myself on the jumbotron whom right find my camera whom stand up shirt off place goes fucking bananas now I have been in arenas and taking my shirt off and

This was different. This was like seeing a hard dick in a locker room like everyone's like shut the fuck up It was so fucking awesome such a crazy that when I sat down I was shaking and I thought to myself you had told me in 1986 when I first got the fucking mother's milk album and and I listened to Uplift party mofo or whatever the fucking their first if you had told me as a fucking sophomore in high school and

that I would be at a show at 50 with my kid and my wife, and the camera would cut to me at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert, and I would be the, like, whom I fucking, it was like, life goal accomplished, I am done. And then they came out with their shirts off, I don't think it was because of me, but they came out, shirts off, fucking jacked, Flea walked out on his hands, the best fucking show I've seen live.

And then real quick, I know we gotta wrap this up, but we ended up doing this last night. Me and Leanne did this last night, and I wanna put this to you, okay? Okay, okay. It was an amazing concert. It was an amazing concert. Best performer you ever saw live in a concert. Best performer you ever saw live.

I'll start so that you have time to think. Okay. 1998, I go to see, now mind you, I also told the story about when me and you did a podcast and I told you I saw Smashing Pumpkins open for Nirvana and I couldn't tell you if it was real. And we talked about the whole idea. Sure, sure, sure. Is that real and does it matter if it's real? If you believe it, does it matter if it has to be real? It's an old podcast clip. You gotta go find it. The point was we called my friend and it turns out I did see Smashing Pumpkins open for Nirvana. That's not the best performance I've ever seen.

Hands down best performance I've ever seen 1998 giant stadium a dude opens for Dave Matthews, and I'm kind of familiar I know he's got a hit song. He's got a new album out, but I'm kind of familiar They're not selling beer at Dodger at giant stadium for whatever reason there was no alcohol served and I didn't know that I am stone sober and this dude runs out on stage and down a ramp slides out on his feet down the ramp and

and bangs out his album, Odelay. It was fucking Beck. The best show I've ever seen live. Beck, without a doubt, he performed for a half-full giant stadium, and it was like they were there to see him, and I was blown away. Hands down, stone sober, one of the best performances I've ever seen. So I put the question to you. Jeez.

Well, I'm trying to think of like, holy shit, like that performance, you know? Cause like I'm going through like the Rolodex of like who I saw, um, like over the, like, you know, I remember seeing like Arrested Development. You remember that band? Like that show was, I saw that show in like 1993. Um, and then I remember seeing, I saw Pearl Jam. I saw Aretha Franklin. I'm going to see Pearl Jam in like two weeks. It's a good show. Aretha Franklin I saw.

you know, at a smaller venue. And then I'm trying to think like recently, who did I see that was like, I remember I saw, I saw the show, dude, I told you that Peter Gabriel show was the most mind blowing show I've ever seen because he's like a big visual art. So like you're looking at the stage and there's just like,

like actual art exhibits that move to the music. And every single one is a new setup. So that was like an incredible show. But it has to be like a fucking band. The dudes that open for Red Hot Chili Peppers, the name of the band is called Alex Sucks. And they come out. And I had this moment where I couldn't tell if the lead singer was

was too much brand in front of art. I couldn't tell if it was like too much of a look. And so I'm with Isla and I would go on his Instagram and I hit his Instagram and I realized this dude's the real fucking deal. And by the end of his fucking set, I was in love with him. I was in love with him. I followed him. I DM'd him. I was like, dude, you're the fucking shit. Ed Sheeran was an incredible performer. Oh my God. You saw Ed Sheeran? Yeah, I saw him live. That was incredible. He's fucking incredible. You know who also was a great performer too was Chris Robinson.

like seeing them in concert. I saw Black Crows. I saw Black Crows once. They were great. He was great. I don't know. I guess there's not the one that stands out like the way you described the Beck one, but I do think that that Ed Sheeran performance is an incredible performance. One of the coolest. Unexpected too, because I didn't go into it like, oh, I'm going to, this is somebody I regularly, so it surprised me.

Yeah. Oh, I got to say that you two at the Sphere was one of the coolest things I've ever done in my entire life. But that's the event is more. The coolest thing that I've ever gotten privileged enough to do, and this is like a celebrity thing, was when we, I think, I'm sure I told you this, when we went to see Dead Ahead. DMX. I saw DMX. You saw DMX? Yeah, that was fucking crazy. Wait, DMX and like delivered top to bottom, shirt off, slatting, hitting an ass with an inhaler? Fucking chain link fence around his neck and like, yeah, crazy performance. Where was it? Charlotte.

Yeah. When? How old? It was 1999 or 2000. It was him. It was Method Man, Red Man, and Jay-Z. Hold on. Hold on. Is this the fucking tour they did? Up in Smokes tour? No, Hard Knock Life tour. Hard Knock Life tour? Yeah, yeah. I was at night one. You saw? You went to the Hard Knock Life tour? And I saw Method Man fly over the crowd, and someone snatched his chain. Snatched it right off of him. Wait. Method Man, Red Man, DMX, Jay-Z. Opening night. This is...

Yeah, that was crazy. At an arena. I think it was the first time that hip-hop was doing...

like an arena. I saw that documentary. Yeah. I watched the documentary and thought how amazing would that have showed to have been at? Yeah. That was pretty crazy. And DMX was fucking wild because you method man, a red man. It was like, yeah, it's cool. Like you're playing the, you're like, and they, you know, this is the knock on hip hop shows. Sometimes is that like a verse of your, the song you want to hear. And then the DJ just like flips it to another beat and they do the other. And you're like, that's it. They just do like one verse and,

And they move on. But DMX put on a show. Yeah. Hey, can you pull up a picture? They have to have pictures of that show. Charlotte. Hard Knock Life Tour. Hard Knock Life Tour. Yeah. Because this, I don't think enough people realize what an absolute performer DMX was. Charlotte. Yeah. Oh, wow. This is when the throwback jerseys were in. Oh, yeah. This is the jersey time. Jay-Z's got the big leather jacket. Yeah, 1999, dude. I bet Meek Mill was there.

There it is. February 27th, 1999. Hard Knock Life Tour kicked off in Charlotte.

Yeah, we went to that shit. God damn it. That is, what was the audience like? Was it predominantly black? Yeah, probably majority black, but you know, not like 99%. I always wonder about those hip hop shows, if it's a hard ticket to sell. Because I guess technically you want to sell to all your fans, but I wonder if there's fans that are like, yeah, I'm not going to go to the Naughty by Nature show. I don't know, man. I mean. I've never been to a hip hop show. Really? Never been to a hip hop concert.

uh yeah that show was i mean it's charlotte too so yeah it was pretty black but it was it was you know mixed one of the coolest experiences i ever had and i would like to do this more if i had like unlimited funds i would do this like for my friends and family yeah but um when we went to mexico into the dead ahead concert yeah they said to us hey would you like to see goose perform their acoustic band rebel would you like to see them perform uh at the at the hotel

I was like, what? And they're like, they're going to do like a little pop-up show for us. It was me and like 25 people. And they were like, yeah, grab a seat. And so I just grabbed a seat from here to there, just sat right in front of them.

And they started playing and I started sobbing crying and I was like crying and and the lead singer Rick's like hey What's up with your sunglasses? I had sunglasses on his side and I was like, I'm fucking crying asshole and he was like, oh this is awkward But that fucking that was one of the cooler things I've ever done and I would like to do that if you could do that for one artist Okay, you ready? Oh, oh, oh, can I tell can I tell you a great surprise great surprise gift for Christina? What you ready? Yeah God damn it. I'm fucking good at this

You should get Frank Black and the Pixies to play acoustic at your birthday party. I've thought about booking them before. That would be fucking. Have you ever seen them sing on Tiny Desk? It's the best. I didn't see the Tiny Desk. I've seen other places. We can edit this out, or we can play it, or we can do whatever. Just play it. Can you put in Tiny Desk blue and green? Tiny Desk blue and green. I think that's it.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Green and blues. Tom, just put your headsets on. This is... Okay, this would be Christina's birthday present, okay? Okay. Imagine how hard she'd be sobbing, crying, okay? Okay. This is a great fucking present. And by the way, Frank Black's a... I follow him on Instagram. He follows me and he DM'd me. And by the way, I'm going to this fucking birthday party. Which one? Hers, where you're playing the Pixies. Oh, yeah. Listen to this. I'm drinking. I'm drinking tonight hard. I've thought of doing this before. You know that. Watch this.

He's the bald guy. He was a good looking younger dude too. This is a badass song. God, he's good. I said I'm human, but you know I lie. I'm only visiting this show.

Is this not badass? That's great. I'm drinking hard tonight, Tommy. Yeah?

I just got, I just came up with a brilliant idea. I just came up, I just came up with a brilliant idea. What's your idea? I know what we're doing for our birthdays today, this year. Our birthdays? Our birthdays this year. Okay. You ready? Yeah. It's a gift to each other, but for the fans. Okay. For our birthdays, we will throw a live stream birthday party for each other. Okay. Okay. And, and, uh, we'll same as we always do a live stream as we, as, uh, like a paid event.

And I will hire a band for you to play at it. So it'll stream live and people can listen and watch the band. And then you'll hire a band for me.

It's a good idea. It's a good idea. It's fun. And then that way everyone can enjoy it. Can you imagine? How great is that Tiny Desk concert? It's awesome. That's fucking amazing. Tiny Desk is the shit. That's a great present. It's got to be a pricey present. No, no. I looked into it. You did? Yeah. Specifically with them. Are you serious? Yeah. What was the price point? I know what Dwight Yoakam costs. I'll tell you later. I can tell you what Dwight Yoakam costs. I bet you can. So aggressive. Yeah.

Yeah. That was really aggressive. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think, do you think Frank black would be like, give us a discount? No, no, no. Who do you think we'd get a discount for? I bet we'd get goose. Oh, get me goose for my birthday. Okay. And then watch me cry. Just have a Bert cry cam. Yeah. And just have them sing songs to make me cry harder. The problem though, if you do the light, the night, the bands be like, Oh, are you streaming our concert? Oh, shit. That just blew up in my fucking mind. Yeah.

Yeah, who would you get? If I was going to get you a band to play for your birthday, who would you want? I don't know. I'd have to think about it. You either want Wilco, Goose, Widespread Panic,

those would be my three bands that I would be like, you can't get widespread. It's going to be too much. Wilco would be too much. He used to do $25,000. He used to do living room shows where he'd perform in people's living room for 25 grand. Yeah. And then he would give the money to charity. That's pretty cool. That's bad-ass. I bet we get goose for a good price point. I bet we get a discount friends and family from them. You think so? I know I could. I'm not, I say that I know I could, but I,

I bet I could you bet you could kind of good maybe maybe maybe don't say that you know they'll give you a discount hey guys they're not listening to this I don't fucking watch pockets to read books okay they're fucking musicians they don't fucking you think they're watching two bears no I don't think so but I think someone can clip this be like you see this guy saying you're a fucking discount rate you know I love you guys yeah the uh

Who would you want? Think about it. Like Scarface did a great tiny death. I bet a Nas show would be incredible. That'd be awesome to watch. Nas would be badass. Yeah. Most deaf. Yeah, that'd be awesome too. Most deaf would be, or Yassir Bin. Yeah. Whatever. I don't fucking know.

Um, who, who would like sing though that I would like want to hear sing thing. Yeah. That's a great, I want someone soulful. Uh, okay. Go to tiny desk and see who the top viewed tiny desk is. Um, cause Jeezy just did it. Hold on. Do hit. Can, can they do it by? Oh, have you seen videos? Then it was like, Oh yeah, there you go. Okay. Hold on. Oh, Macklemore is huge.

It'd be hard to get. All right. Scroll a little more. Or Mac Miller. Jesus, look at these fucking view counts. Yeah, I know. Alicia Keys? That'd be incredible. Yeah. That's soulful. That's what I mean. T-Pain? T-Pain would be un-fucking-real. I can get T-Pain on the friends and family discount. Let me call him. Okay. You ready? You're calling him? Calling him. It's unbelievable. T... Scroll down. Okay. Keep going, keep going.

All right, FaceTime and T-Pain. Erykah Badu, that would be cool. Erykah Badu would be fucking awesome. Keep going, keep going. Ooh, oh, these fucking, what is it? How do you say this on the left here? Oh, they're fucking great. I've been listening to them. I don't even know how to say their name. They're fucking awesome. I have albums on my phone. I don't even know how to say the name. How do you say it? Karun, what? Why don't we just start a fucking show called Large Desk and just hire these bands? I bet they all do it for free. T-Pain didn't answer. All right.

We are looking at how to pronounce these names as well as how to say more interesting and often confusing names from music as well. So make sure to stay tuned. This is the name of a musical trio from Houston, Texas. How do you say it? Karangbin. Karangbin. Karangbin.

So I learned that I'm a big fan of Karangbin. Karangbin's pretty fucking awesome. I've listened to multiple albums now, and I did not know how to say their name. I've never said... I thought it was Kurt Cobain. And also, I don't even know what they look like. That's them? Wait, play it? I want to see what they look like. Hey, can you play the... Let's see what song they open with. Oh, yeah, I know this song. That's them? Yeah, they're... Oh, they drink tea. They're the shit, though, dude. Oh, yeah.

I would book that concert in a second. Crudebang? Krongbin. Krongbin? Yeah. They're fucking badass. Krongbin's really good. Okay, book that for my show. Okay. Krongbin, for your birthday present. All right. I'm in. Krongbin, listen. Krongbin, we'd like to book you for my birthday. Krongbin has no interest in fame. They're just like actual artists. Great. And they're like, we'll do it for free. No, they won't. Krongbin, Krongbin, hit us up. Krongbin. We'll hit you up. Krongbin.

And you want either Widespread Panic or Wilco or Goose? I would take, I'll tell you what I really like. If you can get, I would like, here's the deal. I would like Jeff Tweedy. I don't need all of Wilco. I just need Jeff Tweedy. Acoustic. One guitar. Goose, I want Arevalo. I want their acoustic band. I don't need, they don't have a drummer right now. But I would like, I want to pick the set list. That's the other thing. I want to pick the set list.

Like I want to tell them that's where it gets a little complicated. For all these bands? By the way, I'll tell you this. If you want to hire me for a private party, I will do it. You have to pick the set list though.

Because I don't want to fucking work on new material in a living room full of people Yeah, but if you say Bert we'd like to hire you for a private part and I've never I've never done privates I just saw I'm not good at him, but I could be really good at him if you were like Here's the setlist we want you to do. Can you do all these jokes? Yeah, and on the machine and so I'd be like, yeah I'd do that in a heartbeat. I left her deodorant the refrigerator. I can't fucking do I can do it my sleep That's what I would want. I would want to pick my set list from there you go And then I have a couple covers

Like, I know that for Goose, I told him I wanted them to play the Elvis song. Yeah. Well, you've never been to Spain. Did they play it? But I've been to Oklahoma. They played your song? No, no, no, they didn't. I told him, I said, that would be cool. Yeah. All right.

5K. By the way, Tom, we don't even need to do it for a live stream. No, we shouldn't do it for a live stream. We should do it just on the show. Yeah. Oh, is that Bert and Johnny Depp? Holy shit. Oh my God. You guys look so cute together.

We set up the band right here, Tom. Yeah. We set up the band right here, and we just do it for an episode. That'd be awesome. It'll be a surprise episode. I like the idea. Karongbin. Karongbin, yes. And then I would like either Goose or Wilco. Either Goose or Wilco. Okay. Actually, I'll be dead honest with you. Yeah. I think I'm more in a Goose phase right now. We'll get Goose to play live here. Okay. Goose to play live. How many band members? Three. Okay. Three. Three.

Look at you guys. Look at you guys. Who's that? Doug Stanhope? That's you and Johnny Depp. How did you draw these? Who drew these? That's Chad. He's fucking unreal, dude. That doesn't look like me. Well, he's just learned. He did it in two seconds, man. That doesn't. That looks like booger from fucking Revenge of the Nerds. Come on, Chad. You got to do better than that. All right.

Two bears, five K.com. The, the, the fucking thing. Five K is Tuesday, May 7th.

Is it going to be in LA? So book your travel, but we hope you come with us. We hope you run with us. If you can't, you can run online with us and that's it. I love you. Love you too. Bye guys. Bye.