Praying for Laughs w/ Jessica Kirson | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 218
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Let's do a Mediterranean tour. Let's do it. We have the same agent. Yeah, put that fucker to work, right? Yeah. Hey, man. Last week, he got me booked at a barn. It was horrible. 100% Cheers. Cheers.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim. It's a good thing.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, small more. Bert passed away. Thank God. Sitting in for him. Thank God. It's the great and hilarious Jessica Curzon, everybody. Let her hear it. How good does that feel? It doesn't even faze me. Yeah, I know. Can you guys yell out, you'll never make it?

Are those fake laughs that they do or do they find that funny? No.

No, no, that was real. These guys don't fake laugh. Okay. No, they don't fake laugh. You'll hear a lot of silence. Really? That's how you can tell. They laugh. The last time I was here when I was on your mom, they laughed a lot. Well, that was capital J, but he left. Did he die too? He looks like he's going to die, but he's just, he moved on. Well, all right. He has a very powerful, mighty laugh, and he was like a big laugher. Okay. But he left, and you can feel the hole. All right. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, explain to people what hole, because they think my pussy. But I said to you, no matter how much people clap, it'll never fill the hole. It won't. Never. And I'm somebody who, like, you know how you say that to most people and they go...

what do you mean people always moan at me i'm like stop it's it's okay i've accepted it i'll never be okay i'm right there with you i i here's the thing i don't go like well why don't you what i am more of the the mindset of is that i understand when somebody says that because i think that i think when you know when you're in high school you go if i can like make it and like make money

be somebody that people acknowledge, then I'll, then I'll feel like complete. Then the things that are inside of me that tell me that I'm not good enough will go away. Right. And I'll, and I'll find, and everyone will be like, yeah, you were the shit. Right. And you'll be like, that feels great. And then you get on that path and you're like, your first time you make some money, you're like, Oh, this is pretty cool. Yeah. And then you go like, yeah, but I still don't feel like

because of it. So then you make, the thing is you go, I guess I need to make more money. Right. And then you do that and you're like, oh, and then you get more recognized and you get more standing ovations and you get more, you know, entertainment industry bullshit and you're like,

- No, it's still not. - No, it's actually sadder because I'm aware that so many people love me and like want, and then they're like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm meeting you. And I'm like, no, you don't understand. I'm literally not okay. So this is even more upsetting.

Because you think it's exciting to meet me and I can barely get out of bed. So this is horrific that you think I'm so great. Yeah. Because I'm a horrible person and I'm about to be hospitalized. Yeah. Yeah. No, I...

But like, do you, what's your, because we talked, we both do therapy. Yeah. Therapy is important. I was mentioning to you that I know from conversations that in Israel is the country where therapy is like the most important.

It's like everybody does. They have to be. Well, every one of them knows that they want, everyone wants them dead. Yeah. Yeah. And they are, they, I mean, there's rockets constantly and they're, they go to bomb shelters. I mean, how would you not have to go there? You can't even find a therapist there. Probably. Right. Yeah. I mean, now they're all dead, but this is the thing they, they,

Hamas looked for all the therapists and shot them so that everyone would be really traumatized. That was part of the trauma. That's actually a really good strategy. We're talking just tactics? Yeah. I would take out therapists first. They were told to go in and find all the therapists and go for them first. Mission accomplished. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But do you find...

Do you find the practice of going, does it do something for you? At this point, no. It did for a while. I've been in therapy since I'm eight because my mother's a therapist. Eight? Yeah. But she wasn't your therapist at eight. No, but she's always done therapy with me. She even does it on me. Like she'll do it and not tell me. So it's kind of like.

- Me with therapy. - Yeah, yeah. - So she'll do like Reiki on me and I'll be like, what are you doing? Like she'll go . And I'm like, you need to ask me first before you just do therapy on me. - Sure, yeah. - You know, like, and she tries to tap me. She's like, let me just tap you and let me just do, I'm like, no, this is not appropriate. - And do you have siblings? - Yeah, yeah, I have a lot. I have, I mean, I have an older sister than I have, I had four steps, one passed away. You know, one of my stepbrothers is Zach Braff.

from Scrubs. Really? Yeah. Yeah. That's one of your stepbrothers? Yes. Jesus. Oh, and I met your sister. I met one of your sisters. You met my older sister probably. In Wisconsin, right?

Oh yes. That's my younger sister. She's my half. I have two halves. Okay. I met her once. Yeah. And I had four steps and one hole. It's a lot. It's a lot. And then, but we all get along. It's amazing. And then how about, how do, are they all proponents of therapy too? Everyone in my family has gone to therapy and done a lot of work and none of us are okay. Okay.

But here's the other thing. Don't you feel this? This is something that I've come to after a long time, after the life that I've lived thus far is you're like, oh, you know what, though? Nobody's OK. A. And the people who are like I am, you're like, you're just unaware. You just have no awareness. You know, there's some people like, hi, how

are you I'm like you're a second away from cutting you're the most not okay you know what I mean yeah or you're just adult like you meet these fucking like they're like huh therapy and you're like well yeah but like you don't even have the capacity yeah to look inward like you're fine you maybe you don't there are people who are okay yeah I guess and I'm jealous of them because I notice everything yeah

I take on other people's feelings. Like I could be in a supermarket and someone's down and then I'm really depressed. That's really horrific. That's horrible. Do you just see them? If I got an emotional support animal, it would kill itself because I'm so needy. I believe that our dog

So we had the cutest fucking Brussels. Adorable. Oh, those are great. Adorable. I love Brussels sprouts. Yeah. And, and our youngest, you know, his allergies were terrible, terrible. We take him to an allergist and he has the highest level allergy for dogs. So they're like, you just, you gotta, right. So annoying kid, annoying fucking kid. I call my mom who loves dogs and,

And I go, will you take it? And she's like, yeah, of course. We go to visit-

And this already small dog is now just bones. And our theory is that the dog is trying to kill itself because it's with my mother. Like the dog knows. It's a slow suicide. That's why I blew up. Yeah, it was a fucking house. Yeah, it's a slow suicide. I was trying to kill myself. Yeah, and so like when they were like, wait, the dog didn't have problems. And they're like, oh no, it's got all these problems. And I'm like, that's because of my mom. It's anorexic. Yeah, it's like anorexic and it's hair is falling out and it's just with my mom. And I'm like, that's...

That's how I was with you too. So I think the dog is like, I can't stand this bitch. I don't want to live. That's so funny. I think that's what's really happening. I'm laughing that the dog's dying. That's horrible. But we went to the allergist. Is the dog bulimic? Does it like shove its paw down its throat? No.

Like it'll binge on Alpo and then be like... Yeah, it binges, you know? It binges. It does. Eats a whole bag of food and then it looks at my mom and it goes...

We just found out that he's been on these, my son's been on these meds and they're doing, they did blood work and we'll find out if we can take her back. And my theory is that if we can, she's just going to gain five pounds like in the month after we get her back. Like, ah, thank you for rescuing me from that house. Yeah. I really think it's going to happen. That's so interesting. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking, man. There's certain people that you're around that you're like, oh man, like I can only take, how much time can you take with your mom?

As an adult. Yeah. Oh, with your mom? Yeah. 48 hours, 72. Well, now my mom, she's very anxious. I mean, Jewish mothers get really anxious. And this would be a time to be very anxious. Well, yeah. I mean, it's really not.

No, it's not my fault. This is why it's like I'm not calling Netanyahu. Like, can you please send more bombs? I don't understand why we're in so much trouble here. Do you feel do you feel it? Yeah, I feel it when I go on stage. Like, I've never felt it before, but I'm like, yeah.

I feel like if I mention it, someone's just gonna like, you know, do something. I don't know. - Yeah. - It's weird. - Do you talk about it on stage? Like is it? - Well, I talk about being Jewish. I'm not religious. I mean, religious people don't accept me 'cause I eat box. - Yeah, sure, sure. - You know? - Yeah. - But, and I do it in front of them when I do Orthodox shows.

I bring up a whore and just eat her box, you know? That's my opening act. Yeah. Well, that, I mean, that definitely gets the room feeling a certain way. I'm just like, Shalom. And just, that's my, like, they, they don't love it. Stand up. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a, no, it's not a good, I'm just glad that they cover their elbows and knees, you know, cause that's what turns me on the most is elbows and knees. Yeah. Wrinkly elbow. That's what I put into porn search. I put wrinkly elbow, rough, extreme eczema. Yeah. Yeah. Psoriasis. I, um, yeah, dude, I, I can't imagine. I mean,

Right now, I don't know, do I have, I guess when I get into my Hitler chunk now, it's definitely a little different. Oh yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, people are like, wait, where are you going? I'm like, I don't, you know, I mean, I'm not really happy about what happened. And I feel like-

so many people are not acknowledging what happened in Israel. And they're very upset about what's going on, which I get like, we're seeing horrific videos of what's going on in Gaza. And it's like, they assume that I'm not, I'm okay with that. And I'm not okay with that at all. And I am devastated about what happened in Israel. I just performed there in the end of July and it's a beautiful, happy place. It's like,

I don't think people understand what really happened there. Like I have a friend who works for the news. Like I horrific things happen. Yeah. No, horrible, horrible. The thing that's never fair in these situations is like people don't let you have a human reaction. They don't. To like the reaction really you're, what you're supposed to be able to do is say this was horrific and,

what have there's a terrorist attack that happened at a music people are just murdered who are having a party and then you're also allowed to say right i think it's horrific that innocent civilians and children are dying in god like it's your first of all

I'd assume 90, first of all, I don't like being told what to fucking do and what to think. I've never liked that. And I don't like when people are telling me I need to just support this. I need to just support that. That's why we're comedians. Like, don't tell me what I need to do. Of course. And also most of, I'd say 95, if not more percent of those people who were at that music festival hated the government and hated BB. I mean, like, it's like,

They were probably protesting every week against him and the government. - And a lot of people don't know that for the last nine months, there's been hundreds of thousands of people in the streets protesting the Israeli, like if you don't know, the Israeli government has been on the receiving end of their citizens marching in huge, I mean, massive numbers. - Hundreds, I saw it, hundreds of thousands of people.

against what they've been doing. Yeah. That's like the... That's like every Tuesday for the last almost year. Yeah, in Jerusalem, in Tel Aviv, in Haifa, all over. Look at this fucking thing. Look how many people have been protesting the government. Everyone thinks everyone's okay with what's been going on. Yeah, it's not. They're not. That's the thing. I've said this so many times, but the saddest thing about... Because you don't get...

There's always a counterbalance. So now we have access to information. I know. But now you can't trust information. Oh, I know. So you get information for everywhere. Anywhere you look, there's information. But you have to vet information. You have to become an investor. Instead of when we were kids, you just turn on ABC and Peter Jennings says, and you're like, oh, that's the fucking news. It was just straightforward. Now you're like, what's their interest? Who's sponsoring them? How much money is funded? You just don't know.

what your

You're seeing anymore. So you actually have to do the work, which sucks. And people see things and get very, like it's all about emotion. Yeah. And also it's, it's, they just, I feel like a lot of people want to just be part of a group. Very much so. And they also want to know what group you're in. Right. That's a big thing. It's a very big thing. You say a thing and then they go, I know who you are and let's end the conversation. You know, like you're not supposed to be

complicated... I know. As if everyone's just supposed to be like in each category. You see, they all loved Bernie.

And then Bernie said he wanted peace on both sides. And so many of them turned on him now. Now he is the devil. Yeah. Because he said both sides are, you know, it's not okay. Right. Bring the hostages home and, you know, Israel needs to defend itself. Not doing what they're doing, but they have to defend themselves. Sure. Yeah.

And Gaza, they have to stop the bombing. And now, because he said anything about Israel defending itself, meaning defending their country, not bombing the shit out of Gaza, but defending their country. Then he's now. He's done. He's done. So you're not, I mean, I don't know if I'm going to be done, but I think, I don't know if it's fair to say, I think Hamas is a bunch of goofballs.

I think they're just upset. They're a little angry. By the way, they're not fucking hanging out in Gaza anymore. I don't know where those guys are, but they're not there, dude. First of all, the people that run Hamas are billionaires and they don't even live there. No, they're nowhere near that shit. You think they're under the tunnel, like dealing with like... Still. Dirt. Just hanging out, waiting. Yeah. They're gone, dude. It's...

It's a big problem. Plus, the people, I'm sorry, but the people ripping down the posters and then you see the videos of them and a lot of these young girls are smiling. Yeah.

What is that? It's gross. I can see you... First of all, to rip down a poster of a baby or a young child as a parent or an old person, like I get you might not agree with the posters. I mean, but what is that? What is ripping down? And it's so upsetting to me. Sure. And then in these videos seeing they're not innocent. They're not innocent. It's like you're not even...

a palestinian you're not you're a white young girl i i just i can't handle it i'm sorry i can't i can't handle it and how is someone not innocent who's just like a kid in either place i can't handle that it's a baby yeah not innocent yeah baby the baby said i want to go yeah can you take me it's i i can't

I know. You know, I had booked months ago a trip for my mom. She's a hardcore Catholic. And I was like, look, you don't have much time. You should really fucking...

you know, do what you want to do. Right. She's not sick. I was just like, you're old. You're not going to live. I thought she was like, had a disease. She's totally fine. She's just 79. With big wireless providers. What you see is never what you get somewhere between the store and your first month's bill. The price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets with mint mobile. You'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again. When mint mobile says $15 a month, you're,

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So is my mom. Oh, yeah. So I was like, hey, you know, my dad died a couple of years ago. So I go,

How about I send you and your brother to Israel and you can hang out. You can see where JC used to kick it at the bars. That's what flipped me out more than anything was all the stuff about Jesus. I flipped out over that. Go to his hometown. See where he went to school. See where he used to pick up chicks and just feel complete. And she's like, I mean, weeping at this. So then...

everything starts in Israel. And she's like, I guess we have to cancel the trip. And I go, why? I go, you'll be fine. And she goes, there's a war. I'm like, you're going to see Jesus. I go, if anything happens, you got a first class ticket to where you want to go anyway. Just go. And she's like, you can't be serious. And I go, I'm totally serious. I spent a lot of fucking money and you're going. No, I canceled the trip. But now she's like,

How about France? I was like, oh, is that where Jesus used to kick it in France? Yeah. And she's like, no, there's like, I don't know. There's some religious thing. There's a lot in France. But she was really excited to go to Jerusalem. I was blown away with all the stuff about Jesus there. I really was. The first time I went, I could not believe, like the Last Supper, where the Last Supper was. Like, it was amazing. I went to where he was supposedly baptized and...

It was really incredible. Yeah, we had it all lined up, right? So I had a private tour. They would take her to every place. And I was like, you're going to fucking. Hopefully it'll be there and she can go. Yeah, yeah, hopefully. I mean, this may have scared any chance of that happening in the future. If in a year from now I'm like, everything's fine. She's like, it's not fine. I don't know. It'll be fine. I think it'll be fine. It'll be fine. But she'll be, you know.

- Yeah, so you visited all this stuff? You went to all the places? - I went to Israel twice. I mean, the second time I was there was the end of July. I did shows in Tel Aviv. - That's so recently. - I know. I was just there. You've never been? - Never been. - Tel Aviv is amazing. I mean, it's like, there's so many bars and restaurants. People are out every night just partying. I mean, that's why people, and it's beaches and- - And hot Israeli chicks. - Hot. - Yeah.

- Yeah, they're hot. - Yeah. I mean, everyone's hot there. The men, the women, everyone. It's really, it's like, you know, Italy. It's like where everyone's really good looking. - Right, you're on the, you have the water and like, mm-hmm. - Yeah. - Man, we should go on tour together. - We should. - Yeah. - Yeah, let's go there. - Let's do a Mediterranean tour. - Yeah, let's do it. - We'll do Italy, Greece. - Oh my God, I would die to go on tour with you. - You wanna do it? - Let's do it. We have the same agent. - Yeah.

Put that fucker to work, right? Yeah. Hey, man. Yeah, I know. Pick up the phone. What are you doing? I know. He does nothing. He's the best. No, he's great. I love that guy. Last week, he got me booked at a barn. It was horrible. Oh, dude. Wait, so before, I don't want to forget, you have a special...

a crowd work special on your, on YouTube, right? On your YouTube page? Yeah. I decided to put it out on YouTube because I have like, like, I mean, God, I've like 850,000 followers now on YouTube. I know. Congrats. Yeah. It's, it's great. And so I was, I filmed an all, like all crowd work. It's called no material. And yeah,

That's balls, dude. People don't know how fucking, I think that, I mean, some people are really good at, you're gifted at it. There's only a few people that can really, cause you know, there's a lot of comics that do that bullshit. Like I'm just going to fucking wing it. And you're like, you're just doing all your bits. I know you. I didn't do one bit. That's what I'm saying. That is. I would never do that, but I did it with a live band.

Really? Which I really wanted to do because I improv songs with the audience, which is, I think, some of the funniest shit on it. I've never sang in front of an audience. When you hit the stage on most nights, do you...

On most nights, do you open... I have to with crowd work. With crowd work you do. I have to now because everyone expects it and wants it. I have to do it. People run to the front. 10 minutes in and you haven't heard a bit yet. I usually do...

- About 20 minutes of crowd work. - Really? - And then I do like, yeah. And then I do like 45 to 50 of material because I'm telling you that's why they come now, my TikTok and YouTube crowds. - And you're just tearing people up. - Yeah, they want to be, I mean, everyone wants to sit in the front. Not everyone, but a lot of people. And so I did it at the Comedy Cellar. I filmed two hours and I couldn't, we couldn't even choose the material. That's how amazing the crowds were. - Really?

It was unreal. That's the best feeling. I think it's the funniest thing I ever did. I believe it. I believe it. I think so. Because there's something magical about crowd work when it's real, authentic crowd work. When the audiences are that hot, when they're not, it's not great. But they were unbelievable audiences. There's no dread starting crowd work that doesn't go anywhere. Well, I say to them, you're horrific. This is horrible. I mean, this is...

- You know I tell the audience they suck, I hate them. I hope they die. I mean, I'm really- - Are you doing shows when you're here? - No, I came for the day just to sleep with you, but I didn't- No, sleep. I don't mean like- - Yeah, I know what you meant. - I don't mean to fuck. - We're not taking that.

I'm going to screw you. Yeah, let's do it. And yeah, I know. I just came for the day. But I've done shows here, obviously, so many times. I love performing in Austin. Yeah. I love it. It's great. I mean, such great crowds. Yeah. And it keeps, you know, there's so many spots now. Like there's Joe's Club, Mothership. The last time I was here, I did. Freak in the Cave. Joe's Club. Yeah. Yeah. Cap City. And then there's all these like little, like.

We were walking around because F1 was a few weeks ago and people are barking at us. Like, you want to go to a comedy show? I'm like, where? And then they're like, there's one here. Like people are like barking. People barked at you? Well, I barked at the people I was with. I was like, yeah. In New York, they bark at me sometimes and I'm like, no, I'm not interested. Yeah. Barking me. People might not know what that means. Yeah. Yeah.

They stand on the street and try to get you to come to the show and they hand you a flyer. Fucking some of the best comics you've never heard of. Right. And you're like, okay. Yeah. Do you want to see Joe Schmo? He's amazing. Yeah. And you're like, okay. He was on Byron Allen's show. That show.

Oh, did you? I did it twice. You did? Yes. I never did it. Oh, it was horrible. I had an offer and I didn't do it. And then I didn't get an offer again. He'd lead you into the, Jessica, I heard that you like looking in the mirror. Yeah. Those, that's the setups were. Horrible. I remember a couple that I was like, I mean, it was what it was, but he was like, I think he turned to, I want to say Tommy Davidson. And he goes, Tommy, I heard you do a great impression of a T-Rex.

Tommy was just like, what the fuck am I watching? You know? But then you kind of,

Like enjoyed what it was. It was just ridiculous. One time I did it where no one laughed at my stuff. Like the other comics didn't laugh. And I'm like, you guys suck. Suck. Yeah. Like Byron has the personality of a fucking armoire. And then the three of you are bombing in front of comics. Like you are horrible. Like at least chuckle. And that whole story of that guy is fascinating. Because you watch that show. You're like, this guy is probably just...

hanging on for dear life to like, you know, pay his rent or something. And then someone was like, oh, this guy's like, I don't know. Look at Byron Allen's network. It's wild. He's worth, how much is he worth? Let's look it up. It is insane. Hundreds of millions, I'm sure. 800 million. Yep. Byron Allen. I think he bought one of the- A slave? Yeah.

What did he buy? He bought one of the networks recently. The Weather Channel. He did? He bought the fucking Weather Channel. That's incredible. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. By the way, they're never right. Never. Never. I know. Dude, here? I don't know if they predicted it, but like, yeah. All cash offer for the fucking Weather Channel. Cash? Yeah. $310 million. $310 million.

That's insane to me. And he got it? Yeah, he bought it. He owns Weather Channel. Where did he get all that cash? It was always like, that's what I'm saying. You're watching that show and you're like, what the fuck is this? That's the dumbest question I've ever asked. The bank. I hate myself so much. What? Why? Click that. He says he bought the Weather Channel to what? To save weather? To save your life. What the fuck is he talking about? You know what? He's stupid. I don't understand this at all.

Wait, can you go back to like, can you go to his wiki? Because I'm just fascinated by this. I know he was a standup at one point, right? If it's to save my life, I'm going to watch it all day and night. He was a standup? I believe so. Yes. I believe he started that way. I think. Oh, that is interesting. So scroll down. Wait, I have to put my glasses on. Where are my, oh, here they are. Oh.

Scroll down a little more. I had no idea he was a comedian. At 14, he put together his first stand-up routine. 14? Becan appearing amateur night at comedy clubs in LA. So he was like one of those teen kids doing stand-up, right? Jimmy Walker saw him when he was and asked him to join his writing team. What the fuck? He was on The Tonight Show. He opened for Dolly Parton, Gladys Knight, and Lionel Richie. So like he had a pat. Like that's obviously... Wow. Things are moving for you. And then...

What? He established a production in 93. That's a fucking, that's early on. Okay. So he was doing like those press junket things. So he must've figured out how to monetize those, right? Alan distributed the program under a bartered model in which it would be offered to stations at no cost with revenue sharing on advertising sales. The business model was not initially successful. Oh, and he lost a bunch of stuff with it. In 2003, he renamed it and he,

went into scripted programming, including the first family, Mr. Box Office. Later in the decade, he began to purchase various acquisitions. Okay, so distribution companies. God damn, and the company's at $4.5 billion. He made an offer to buy the Denver Broncos. I know, that's unbelievable. That's wild. Yeah, I still don't understand how it all became so profitable, but it's very... I guess he's just good at business. Clearly. I mean, clearly.

Yeah. We should make an offer to buy one of your teams. What do you want to buy? What should we buy? Should we buy the... Who's not doing well? Because we can't make a huge offer. I mean, the fucking Broncos are... Oh, actually, they won the other day. Are there any winless teams this year? Yeah, who hasn't won a game? Oh, wow. The Bears and the Panthers. I mean, Chicago is going to be expensive. Maybe Carolina. You're done with that? Yeah, Panthers. Yeah, it's easy to get to from New York, too. That's true. Go down to Charlotte. It's probably a two-hour flight.

I mean, they're racist, but who cares? We'll have a team. Exactly. How much are the Panthers worth? Maybe we can make an offer during the podcast. Can Burt get in on it? Because he's... Oh, yeah. I mean, you've got to do the Bears, right? Well, they're going to be way more, though. He just put in Banchers. Oh, that's it? $4 billion. Oh, that's not a lot. I can put in like $60,000.

So we let them know that we're serious. We're serious buyers, you know? I'm sorry. I'm coughing. I have COVID. It's okay. It's okay. Yeah. This way they know we're real buyers. Yeah. What can you put in? Like if you can put in like 70, I think we could put a down payment. Because all we need to do is knock out. We got to work on that 0.1. You know, that's a hundred million. We can fucking chip away at that. The 0.1 is enough to put down, right? Totally. Yeah.

If we show up with a hundred million. Do you know anything about football? Cause I think that would help. Yeah, no, I know. I know a little bit. Sure. Yeah. I know about knee pads. Yeah. Do you know that those guys don't fucking wear them? Isn't that crazy? Oh, that won't help then. When you are. Why don't they wear knee pads? They're fucking psychos. When you are playing little league and in, and high school that, you know, it's all obviously precaution, you know, safety stuff. So though you got to wear hip pads, thigh pads, knee pads, everything. College football.

They kind of make them do things, but they start to chip away at it. NFL players. I had no idea. Most of them, you just see the pants on, no pads. What do they wear on their dick? Do they wear a cup? No. What? Again, Little League. I even do. At Little League. I'm serious. They don't protect it at all? They don't protect it, no. And sometimes you'll see somebody knee somebody or grab them. I'm not kidding. I'm surprised about that. That must kill somebody.

It's got to be just so fucking brutal. Yeah. But they're all, you know, doped up. They're fucking fired up. Yeah. It's crazy to be playing in the NFL with nothing. I'm serious. Yeah. Protecting yourself. Yeah. They they're. Yeah. See, these guys are like, nah, I don't want it. Slows me down. Uncomfortable. I'd rather take a shot at my ball. Yeah. Yeah. Then have the discomfort. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It blows me away.

I've talked to some of them about it and they're like, yeah, I just don't like it. I'm like, you don't like having your balls? Like, isn't that, I bet you don't see much of them though. That looks uncomfortable though. And there's big dicks in the league too. I would assume that most of them have a big dick. Yeah. There's a lot of big dicks.

That's what, like every time I've introduced Christina to an NFL player, she's like- Except the kickers. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. No, the kickers are tiny. And the O-linemen, a lot of them probably, they're like the typical like big fat guy with a small dick, but like- What does she think when she meets them? Well, she meets them and I'm like, hey, this is, you know, so he plays in the NFL and she'll be like, what's the biggest dick you've seen in the locker room? That's hysterical. So- And it's always some guy who's like-

What? Yeah. She's like, come on. Like who's, who has the biggest dick? I'd be like, do you get along with your mother? That's what I would ask them. Or have you ever beaten the woman? Somebody told me though, they go, they, I can't say. Yeah, I get it. But he was like, you know, we have these foot lockers like in our, in our kind of cubby area. And he goes, I saw this well-known player with his foot up on it as he was tallying off and

and under his thigh, you could see his dick. - Dangling. - From the other side. So in other words, it was- - Holy shit. And you know who it is? - I know who it is, yeah. - Oh. - Yeah, no, I'll tell you after, and I'll show you a picture. I don't have a picture of his dick, but I'll have a picture of him. - Oh, okay. - And you'll be like, "Oh, that checks out." - Yeah. I wonder if any of them have a vagina.

- At this point, it feels like- - They might. Seriously, everything, you know. - And also there was that thing for a long time, like, oh, you know, gay players in the- - I know. - But then at this point you're like, oh my God, every team has to have like, has to. - And some of them are, a lot of them are probably with a trans person. - That's yeah. And there's NBA people that are like pretty well known with that. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So hot. - So hot.

I love you so much. Nice tits and a fucking cock. I mean, what's better? I mean, some of them are like hotter than any woman I've, yeah. I saw a trans woman who I was like, God damn, she's, and I had no idea. Because you don't, like now. You cannot, I, I.

I'm telling you, I did a show in New York the other night at New York Comedy Club. There was a blonde woman on the side of me. I'm like, you are so hot. What's your deal, whatever. She told me she was trans. I was shocked. I'm telling you, you would never, ever, ever know. And by the way, that's who needs to be at the front of the line speaking for the trans movement. Like, don't get these...

these bulldogs that are like, you know, that like look like my uncle Steve in a wig. And he's like, I want rights. Get a hot one. Everyone likes hot people. Get the gorgeous people to be like, give us more rights. And everyone was like, Oh, it was fucking pretty hot. Yeah. She's too busy getting fucked. Yeah. And shopping. Yeah. Like, you know, Prada.

It's amazing. It's amazing that somebody can pull that level off. There is absolutely no way you could ever tell. Yeah. And I'm, I've rarely seen that. I mean, you cannot tell, you couldn't tell. I was shocked the whole show. That one, you know, where they did the, where they did the thing of me, the, that chick in that, I couldn't believe, like, she's stunning. Where, can I see a picture? I'm sure that it's in my, is it in my Instagram? Yeah.

feed yeah and it's a yeah it's a trans lady who I was like seriously like you know it used to be pretty obvious I guess in some cases it is but in some cases it's definitely not and I've met a lot of trans guys that I had I'm telling I had no idea really oh yeah because I feel like that's a

Is that a tougher one? I don't know. Well, no, a lot of them have full beards. I mean, they're very, very handsome. Like, you can't tell. The thing is, if you are going from... If you're transitioning to a woman and you start as a very masculine male... Yes, of course. And you have certain, like, size and features, that's tough. Yeah, totally. But if you have, like...

- If you're small, a smaller frame. - And thin, yeah. - Yeah. But I would imagine transitioning to male. - If I was a male, I'd be a bear, like a gay bear. You know, I'd look like a bear. - Sure. - Yeah. - I'd be such a hideous woman.

Oh my, you would. I'm sorry. I don't mean to. No, it doesn't hurt my feelings. Yeah. It stopped me. I thought about it and it stopped me a few times because I know people would be like, come on, bro. I saw a guy, I saw a guy who, I mean, this fucking guy was, now I feel like an asshole. This lady was. Right, you have to say that. I know, I know. Yeah. But I was in a restaurant and this lady walks in

in heels and a form fitting dress. So a gown. You have to give her credit because those people don't care what people think. I was like, whoa. Yeah. And, but here's the thing. This person did not address anything upstairs. So the same hair, just earrings and like, you know, some makeup. And you're like, oh, I think these people are amazing because they don't care what people think. And they just live their lives. Doesn't give a fuck. Right. Yeah.

And like has a, you know, just strutting around. And a lot of times they're in relationships. The person they're with could care less. They're happy. They're happy. Yeah. I guess that's kind of like something we need to listen to, right? I've seen people like that who are religious Jews. Really? Mm-hmm. I can't, you know. Yep. I can't. That's not, I don't get it. Meaning I don't get it because I don't know how to.

they are accepted in that community. Like, I'm sure that's really hard. Really hard. Yeah. In any religious community. Right. I mean, any, right. Yeah. But like, yeah, I mean, because there's people in any religious background doing that and you're like, that's fucking. I mean, even to be gay. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, you still, we still have people that are like, no, I was shunned and ostracized. Of course. Kicked out of my. I mean, you can be gay, but you can't act on it. Right. Right. Yeah.

- Disowned, it's fucking crazy. - Oh, they sit, you know, sometimes in the Orthodox community, they, a lot, they sit shiva for you, like you died. They literally sit shiva for you. - You died because you're gay. - Yes, yes, which is so, who would do that with their child? - No, I know, that actually speaks of like something's wrong with you as a parent. - Well, they're programmed, they're really programmed. - Yeah, you're brainwashed essentially.

Were you ever religious? No. I was brought up Reformed, which is the lowest... Well, I shouldn't say that. It's not the lowest form because I did go to Hebrew school because everyone did. But I didn't learn one thing. And I had a bat mitzvah, which was everyone did where I grew up. But it was not religious at all. But I'm very...

I'm into the customs traditions, like we celebrated Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Passover, and that's it. Like I don't even know the other holidays. - It's a cultural identity. - Yes, 100%. - Yeah, we're the same way. I mean, I was raised probably, not probably, they were really hoping we would be, the kids would be as Catholic

as they are because they were both like pretty hard. I mean, there's definitely levels above it. There weren't like extremes, but you know, it's like part of their identity was, you know, we always went to mass every Sunday and we did Sunday school when we were young and we went to some Catholic school. Like we didn't always go because we moved a lot. But, you know, I remember there was no such thing as like, I don't want to go to church on Sunday. Like they were like, that's not an option. And then when I would come home from college,

You know, they'd be like, have you been going to church? And I was like, yeah. And then, you know, so if you visited them, you had to go. Yeah. And then into our, into my twenties also, if I was ever visiting or they were visiting me and it was like, it was just, you, you went. And then there was just like, I still remember being home, visiting them. And I'm like, I don't know, 32 or something. And they were like, are you going today? And I was like, and I was just waiting for them to give me shit. And they were like, okay, cool.

And they just left, came back. They didn't... Here's the other thing, because I was also waiting for the... It's one thing to go, you don't... But I was waiting for the big guilt trip because they had like their fucking PhDs and making you feel bad about not going. And then that stopped. And I was like, oh, this is... Good. Yeah. And then it just became like, oh, yeah. So now sometimes my mom will be like, have you been praying? And I go, yeah, of course. You don't pray? I mean, I would say...

There are times I've done it, but I can't say that I pray regularly. I do. Really? Yeah. I don't pray regularly. But I don't do it in a religious way. Oh, just like spiritual way? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, I've done it, you know, again, it's probably like more extreme circumstances. You know, it's not like a, it's not a nightly prayer. It's not like a... Yeah. My mom prays when we get in the car. I get that. For the drive. Yeah. Yeah. But like...

has a whole blessing for the car ride. And then, you know, when you get back in the car, you hear it again. And then it used to be if the drive was 15 minutes or longer, she'd be like, why don't we pray the rosary? I'd be like, really? - Wow, that's, yeah. - Yeah, and she'd pray the whole rosary. - Yeah, I do it before I go on stage, but it's very quick. - It is? - Yes, very, but I always say,

God, or whatever, higher, you know, please help me not be in my head. Just help me, you know, just make people laugh. Give me like the gift you gave me. I like that. I like that a lot. Yeah. Just not make it about me. Not sabotage myself. Just give people laughter. I might steal that from you. Yeah. People are having a hard time. They're suffering. They're depressed. Just give people laughter. That's really nice actually. Because I do believe I was given a gift. I think that's...

Probably very true. I think we both were. I think every comic, every artist was given a gift. I think you're right about that. And I can get in my head and make it about me. And I just want to just get out of my own head. So that's a ritual. That's part of the- Every time.

Because I get very self-involved and very self-centered. You know you could have three times this week, I'd have a thousand people in front of me. And I can look at one guy and be like, dad, and I will focus on that one man who's not laughing. Exactly. And that's selfish. That's self-involved. It is. I had to learn because it's a process.

Because I used to very much be like that. Yeah. Where I can't stop looking at this person not having a good time. And I've taught myself...

over all these years to go, don't like, I'll see it. And I go, don't think about that person. And I'll see somebody having the time of their life. And I go focus on that person. Think about how good of a, you know what I mean? That's who you're performing to. And just try to block this guy out because it does, it kills everything. It kills. And it's very selfish. It's very self. And plus you don't know what I, now I always try to remember people are going through. You don't know who's, you know,

partner just died or someone has a child who's sick or someone's lost their job. Like we just don't know. You know what just happened to me? What? I was in this, I was, I was working this stuff out at this club on the road and one of the very front tables I had seen out of my, cause you, like I said, you learn what to ignore and what to address by just doing this for a long time. And I see this young lady doing this and,

I'm doing this and I'm just ignoring it. Yeah. Right. I'm not going to like make it a thing, but in my head it's there. Yeah. And I'm getting to like the 50 minute mark of this, like the show's going to end soon. And I go, Hey, can I ask you something? What the fuck are you looking at? I go, is this, and we're having a great show. I should point. So there's a different part where you're like, if you're,

if you're eating shit or something, you're not going to point it out as much. So I was like, I go, is this not, this isn't going well enough for you? And she's like, well, what? And I go, she goes, I'm just looking at my phone and I go, no, I've been watching you. Right. I'm like, so like, you can't pay attention to this for, you know, what it is. Like we're all having a good time. Yeah. And she's like, I, um, I have, I have severe anxiety.

And so when she said that, I just go, all right. I just, I let it, I go, that's fine. And of course she goes right back. She goes, I just, I just look at it because it calms me down. And I go, fine. The audience starts heckling her.

Oh, right. Yeah. They're like, fucking put it down, stupid. Like they just start to like. Yeah. Yeah. And she starts to freak out. Oh. And she starts to. And I was like, no, no, I go. And they're like, no, fucking stop looking at your phone. So then it created this like I was like, no, I'm not trying to to bully you. I just, you know, I can't help you in the front row. And every two seconds you're.

you're looking at your phone. - Right, right. Which is really not okay. - It's super annoying. She left. So she got up and left. And then the person who stayed, I was like, he goes, "Yeah, she is like real anxiety." - Well then she honestly should not come. And if she does, she should sit in the back. - Yeah, exactly. - Or in another room. - Where it's not so distracting to everybody up front. But I was like, oh shit. And they, I mean, sometimes it's like that. Like the audience is rougher to the audience than you are. - Yeah. It can be bad.

But people are really suffering out there. I mean, I just had a woman come up to me. I think I was in Syracuse. Yeah, I was in Syracuse. And she just said, you know, my son...

- Oh, dude, like two weeks ago. And I had to come out and laugh. And that's what I mean. Like, we just don't know what people are going through. - No, you never know. And obviously if you're in a room with that many people, there's people going through shit. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - A hundred percent. - Yeah. - Yeah. They found those, you wanna see this beautiful trans woman? - Yeah. - Okay. - Oh, I have to, yeah. - This girl is every bit of a woman. - This is-

So they put my face on the guy. That's a special toy that you haven't played with yet. But look at, I mean. First of all, how did they do that with your face? They do it all the time. Deep fakes. But can you go back to the beginning of it? Like, I don't know if you can pause it or not, but like, look, come on. I would never know that that was a man ever. I would be.

In the room. And then when she got naked, I'd be like, I guess I'm sucking your cock. Like... Me too. Jesus Christ. We're in the same situation. Right? Yeah, yeah. I'd let her plow my ass. Right? Kudos to you. You wouldn't? Yeah, sure. What am I, a fucking kid? Of course. Do whatever you want. I mean, let... That is incredible. What I... Here's the part, and this is... I don't know if this is probably not okay to say, but...

I love when you keep saying that. I know, I know. Because everything is so, you know, you have to. But it's like, what's crazy to me is that, like, obviously, like, the face is, it's a beautiful face. But the fact that, like, everything's feminine, the arms, the legs. She has fake boobs. Well, first of all, that was one of the dumbest things I've ever said in my entire life. The fake, like, no shit. I know, that is really stupid. Yeah.

No, the tits are natural. She just grew those. Estrogen is amazing. They know. Yeah. No, but it's like, it's incredible. It's really incredible because her body is so beautiful. Yeah. And her face is, I mean, look at her cheekbones. I'm telling you, man, like how, how could, how would, there's no way.

Why are they laughing? Because we're just objectifying this person. Yeah, we're literally sexually harassing her. Yeah, yeah. Okay, take it down. Take it down. No, do you have one of her vagina? I mean, maybe she has a vagina. She's an adult performer. Oh. Yeah. Can we watch? Sure. Yeah. Okay. Pull it up. The name's in the comments. Wait, let me take my pants off. Okay. While they dig that up. Okay.

First of all, okay, also, you look fantastic. Thank you. Starving. Thank you. The key is just not eating, right? Well, I'm an addict. Uh-huh.

So I'm sober and I realized that I, uh, I'm an addict with food. I don't think a lot of people understand this, that it's the same type of, it's the exact same thing for me. So I gave up food certain. I don't eat bread. I haven't had bread in three years. Isn't that insane? It is.

- Pasta? - No. - No pasta. - Well, I've eaten like quinoa, I've eaten different kinds of pasta. - But not the... - No. - Don't you find that one of the craziest things that like when I started to like focus more on like health and fitness. - Yeah, 'cause you look great. - Thank you. Is that when you see what I call a normal person's portion, you're like, oh, I guess I've been eating like a literal pig

I slam it in. I mean, I talk about this on stage, but I fuck my face with food. Like I could start an OnlyFans and make a shitload of money. You probably could. Because I don't chew. Right. I literally, I'm like a snake. I have jowl, like I could,

I could like shove it in because I was angry too. So I just, I don't chew. I eat very fast and I could even like healthy foods. I can just. - Take no one take, like, I don't take my time either with it. - Of course not. Shove it in. - And I've heard it my whole life. They're like, why'd you eat so fast? I'm like, cause there's a hole inside of me. An emotional hole.

Like someone could turn around and my entire serving of meatloaf is gone. Yeah. I would eat steaks in a few bites. Yeah. Yeah. So I had to give up foods. Like, so there's certain foods I won't binge. Like I won't binge on brown rice, but I don't eat regular rice. Right. Because I'll eat...

- And do you take our desserts just off, you don't do that anymore? - No. - None, no sweets? - I don't need a ton, no, I don't need a lot of sugar. I mean, if there's sugar and like I'll have some ketchup or something. - Yeah, yeah, I call that incidental sugars, right? Where there's like, there's something in the product, but it's not like pursuing sugar. - No, because I'll eat a whole pie. Like people are like, I'm just gonna have a bite or two of pie. I'm like, are you kidding me? I'll take a ladle and just like attack it.

I'd really, but you only understand that if you're that kind of person, because a lot of people don't get it. Yeah. Which I understand. Yeah, of course. Cause they're, they're actually normal, healthy eaters. It's like someone telling me, why can't you just have a little bit of pot? I'm like, cause that'll lead to like 78 pills and eating out of a garbage. Like I'm an animal. You can't do it. No, but it's great that you actually know that about yourself. A lot of people are, you know, still not there. Right. Like, but the food thing that's always fascinating to people is,

Myself included is that you go like, oh yeah, but you have to have food. It's the hardest thing to work with because you have to, oh Lord, forget about the bread. Yeah. Shout out to- Now, I want to say the top left picture is a lot. Yeah. Emma Rose is her name for people listening. She doesn't want bottom surgery. I'm sure it's like Linda Simpson. Sure. Emma Rose is a good name. Or John-

John Thompson. Right. I mean, look at her. That's crazy. Can you look up some of her work? Yeah. We want to see like rimming an asshole, like a video. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Nice. Yeah. For those listening, we're just watching the weather channel that Byron Allen bought. And it's been raining like crazy here. Oh, there you go. She, oh my God.

Oh, okay. Look at the woman with the tied up with the ball gag. It's great. I love this scene. Me too. But I don't like her like moving. Oh, why isn't she hard? I don't know. I like that too. What's that? That she's tied up with the ball gag. I like it too. Like that's the wife. I like that she's emotional about it. Me too. I feel like she's gassy. She's really suffering. Oh yeah. I like that. Yeah.

Oh, turning away. She's spinning her in the chair. Nothing you can do about it. Stupid. Now, don't they have to get her involved? Isn't that always the next step? Yeah. This is hot. Yeah. Great stuff. You can't tell, but I'm playing with myself under the table. Me too. You guys got to throw this microphone out. Yeah. Okay, here we go. Oh, yeah. We're starting. Could you scrub a little? Is this? Oh, there we go. With the feet? Yeah, nice. Look at him. Oh, I know him.

Who's that? Isn't that Pierce? Oh my God. I think it is, right? Do you like that foot thing? Oh shit, it might be. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, most guys do. That doesn't do anything for me. Really? Most guys do? I think... I could be wrong, but I think a lot of guys are in defeat. Yeah, probably. Yeah. I don't know what it is. There's a theory on that. I don't... What is that? It's that there's a... In the brain, there's the part that... There's called brain mapping. Yeah. And the part that...

is for the genitals is right next to the part that's for the feet. And the theory is that they're crossing over. That's like the more recent theory. Like the older theory is like the Freudian theory, which is that like a baby crawls first by its mother's feet. Right. So that, that's like the older theory on it. But yeah, that is Pierce. Yeah. We're buddies with that guy.

That is so... Has he been on? He's done a bunch for our live shows, yeah. He's really funny. And he always does these wild intro videos for us. We actually threw rings, you know, like ring toss? On his dick? No, into a plunger that was in his asshole. And so we were ring tossing. Oh, you guys are amazing. Yeah. He's a great performer.

Can we try that with me? Sure. Yeah. I think we still have it actually. Can you wait till I get my chicken burger? Cause I want to eat it while you're doing that. They ordered me a chicken burger. Yeah. That's very nice. Would you watch your protein grams? I don't watch grams, but I, I really only eat like protein vegetables, some fruit. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't mind it cause I like healthy foods.

Now, I wonder if she fucks people with her dick. I'm sure she does. Yeah. I'm sure. It didn't look very interesting. The dick? Yeah. The dick was kind of just chilling. Yeah. But then again, this is like, you know, theatrics, right? Right. It's a scene. But I'm sure in the personal life, she's like, I want to bust a nut too. We can probably find out. Yeah. Let's just do that the rest of the podcast. Do you know Bella Donna? Yeah.

Yeah, I know who that is. Yeah. Sure. She's something else. She was a big star. I know. I believe that she's completely like not just out of it. She stopped. She's close friends with Jim Norton. Oh, really? He's probably close friends with a lot of people in that industry. Probably. Have you seen his wife? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she looks pretty feminine. Yeah. She's beautiful. Yeah. She does. She is beautiful. Yeah. I just recently saw photos. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, wow. Her body. Look at her body in that picture. Incredible. Yeah, good for him. Oh, he's so happy. Yeah, he looks really happy. And actually, if someone is just...

Like if they're posting these types of photos, they're either very happy or suffering beyond belief. That is. You know, because someone's making them do that shit and they want to kill themselves. That is so funny. I thought that. But it registers as the first, as that he's actually really happy. Like that's how it reads.

You know, I think that like either he's really happy or she's like, you better post. Oh, that's a big thing. I thought that exact thing when I saw it. He seems, you know, I've only. He's been in love with her. I've talked to him many times. Really? He's been trying to get her here forever. Right. Because she's from, what is it, Norway? She's from Africa. No, I'm joking. Yeah, I think Norway. And they're married now. Yeah. Wow. That's hilarious.

Let's see. Norway. Norway, yeah. No, she's transgender. Okay, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I think she's beautiful. She is. Good for him, man. He does seem genuinely giddy in his posts. I know. And it's so like...

like against the Jim Norton that you know as like a fan. I know. That's so funny. You know, I'm amazed by him. Like I just love people like him. He is who he is and he doesn't care what people think. He's also, I would say on the grand scale,

and I've said this for a long time, the grand scale of things, I think he's actually a very underrated comic. I do too. Because people, what they do is they put someone like him into a category. Everyone wants to categorize like, oh, he's just a dirty, filthy guy. But his stuff is like super thoughtful. It is. It's really intelligent stuff. Yeah. I mean, I think there's

- There's so many comics like that. - Yeah, yeah. He has great takes. Like every time I've watched him do standup, I'm like, that is like top tier standup. It's really good. - I mean, now it's like, forget about TV. - Yeah. - Like what, I mean. - The only TV you should do is TV, there's only two types of shows I think a comedian should ever do.

is the type where you're in complete control, which is rare that you'd be in complete control of what you're doing. Like it exists, it can happen. And the other is only doing a show that one of the great creators has come up with. - Exactly. I mean, I have something going on, but it would only work if I was in complete control. - That's what I'm saying. So like everything else is a fucking waste of your time. - I know. It would be a nightmare. - Total nightmare. - If you don't have a say. You have to...

You have to be in control of it. You do. Yeah. Yeah, because you get everything that a comedian's in that is really awful, which there's so many of those, is because they lost or lacked control. I just could see you being the lead of a sitcom. I mean, I had one where... I've had everything kind of version of this. A pilot that was...

We had some control and then that didn't go somewhere. Then I had one where they were like, you can get to do whatever you want on this. And it totally was not the case. And that thankfully didn't go. That would have been depressing to go through with. Then I had one where I was paired up with somebody really great, but I just didn't feel like it was the right show. I didn't want to do it. So when they offered, I was like, I don't want to do it. And they were like, what are you talking about? Oh, wow. I don't want to do this.

But I've talked about, I was in LA, I talked about a show, but it was the reason that it could work was because I was like, if I were to do this, here's how I would do it. So it was like total control and here's where I would do it. And so like, if you want to do it, it would be all these things. Because that feels like,

Now is that a possibility now? Yeah, it's a possibility. That's great. Yeah, I'd have to, you know, I have that too. And I'd have to do it in a certain place. You have to. Yeah. It's not worth your time to not do that. No. It really isn't. The only thing, the version of it where it's worth your time is if,

It's 15 years ago. And you're like, I guess this is like a way out. Right. But at this point. Is yours like a network thing or a. No. Yeah. Mine is maybe. I think so. That's why even more so I'd have to really. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. I mean, it's tough to make it all line up. I mean.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Part of me also reminds myself of how good we already have it. I know. You know, cause you're like, what am I? Especially you look what you have here. No, it's been, it's, this is an amazing place. Like we're super lucky. We're super lucky. We get to do this and do standup and it's like, it's all I really ever wanted to do. Yeah. I don't even, it's like what more, I mean, this is unbelievable. Yeah. And you have like,

an amazing, amazing fan base. Like they're so supportive. They support art. We did live streaming shows. - I did your show. - Yeah, yeah. So it's like, that's the same concept, but instead of that show, we're trying another show. And like, that's what this platform affords you the opportunity to do is like, they're like experiments, right? So, but it's like, you do it because you're just like, no, I wanna do this. And no one's gonna tell us,

we can't do it. Yeah. Right. Like that's, that's the part that's different. You used to have to go, here's my idea. No, we don't think, what if you change this and now we can just go do it. So it's a, that part's a dream. It's great. I mean, this, you know,

if, if this is a dream for comics because you have your own space, you have your own staff, you can produce anything you want. Yeah. It's a, it's a special time right now that we're in, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like as comedians who do this, I know this is like a, I was like, I said it in like an interview. I go, I know this shit would not be if I was the same guy,

the same age and it were just happened to be 20 years ago, it would be a whole different life. Oh, me too. Yeah. Yeah. But the social media part of it is huge. It changes everything. I never thought I'd be big on TikTok. Are you kidding? Like, it's crazy. I'm not like 25, 30 years old and this hot girl like doing, I mean, it's just, it's crazy. But those, that,

has become the place to post those clips. Yeah, yeah. And they take off. I know. Yeah, it's pretty wild. I mean, a lot of them have like millions of, it's nuts. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Millions of people are watching that. You can't do that on television. No. Like, it's just insane. And some of those fucking idiots still haven't figured it out. They're still trying to like- Well, so many of them are resistant to it. Yeah. And it's like, you're stupid. You're resisting change, is essentially. Yeah, yeah. But then you're also-

not making any money. - Right. - And then you're complaining and you're bitter. - And by the way, there's money still changing hands. It's just not going to you anymore. - Right. - You know? That's the part you haven't figured out is that you have to adapt. You always have to adapt. - Of course. - I mean, I was, I don't know if I was like you in this, but like, I remember when everyone was like, get on TikTok. I was like, get the fuck out of here. I'm not getting on another.

platform posting stuff that, you know what I mean? I was like, there's already enough. But then there's a day where you go, oh, no, you have to like, you just have to. Yeah. If you want to be in this. Yeah. It's just, there's no, there's no other option. Yeah. Of course I was like TikTok and then I started doing it and it's insane. My whole audience is from TikTok and YouTube. That's insane. Instagram, Facebook, Instagram.

I mean, selling out just from all of that. Everyone that comes to my show. You deserve it more than anyone. Thank you. That's very sweet. It's very true. I've worked my ass off. I know you have. That's why there's like. I can say that. I mean, I am filled with self-hatred, but I really have worked. You've worked hard. I have. And you have the chops, you know. Thank you. Yeah. Everyone's always, there's nobody who doesn't acknowledge how good you are. That's very sweet. It's very true. It's very true. Yeah. Um,

Yeah. I just, there's, I don't know. There's some people who, you know, you can get that opportunity. What are you going to do with it? But you can actually run with it. You know, I can, I mean, I'm like you, I have that. I'm very blessed that I have that business sense. You know, I learned that from my parents, you know, a lot of comics don't and it sucks. It's not their fault. They just don't know how to, you know, make it work in the business. When I have that, I really know that.

How to do it. It's a taught, learned thing. It is. It is. I know. We're very fortunate in that. We are. Yeah. There's like, I still have friends. I'm like, I don't know. I have all these tapes. I know. And you'll tell them, like you'll give them advice and they won't. They won't do it. No. I know. You know, they'll never do it. They'll be like, you know, I have the, um, the email. I met the guy that like runs Hulu. Yeah.

do you think I should send him like, yeah, if you met him and he said, email me, like you still have to tell people that like, yeah, dude, email that guy. I know. And you have to be like humble, but also assertive. Like some people just don't have that. They seem too desperate or they're too aggressive. Like there's a very, there's an anxiety that I empathize with and the insecurity of it. Cause what, like a lot of it is people going like, I think I'm,

If I just do good at my craft, that'll be enough. And the reality is it's not enough. And that's hard for people to accept.

that it's not enough. - Totally, it's hard because it should make sense. - It's supposed to make sense. - If you're really good at something, you should go, you should be- - That should be enough. - Of course. - It's not enough. - But that's the same thing with musicians and athletes. I mean, it's the same thing. - That's true, yeah. You still have to make other efforts. - And you have to have a hook as a comic. Now you have to be special. - To stand out. - Yeah, you have to.

Do you tell people that? Yes. I tell everyone that you can't just have good jokes. You can't just, you have to sell yourself. There has to be something special about you. It's the selling. You have to be honest and real and you have to, there, you know, you know, how many comics do you watch? And you're like, Oh my God, they're brilliant. Their jokes are brilliant. But what the hell would you do with that person? Yeah. A lot. What would you do?

They walk off stage and you're like, if I was a buyer, if I was a producer, if I was anything, I would not know what to do with them. Yeah. They couldn't even be the best friend on a show. I would have nothing to do with them, but they're a great comic writer. Yeah. It's the part of this that, because the thing I get asked the most, and I'm sure you get asked too, is somebody goes, why isn't so-and-so doing this?

I'm like, you want me to comment on that? I get that a lot too. And then part of me wants to go like, well, if we all knew exactly. There's a lot of factors to that though. Because some people are known as not easy to work with. That's a big one. That's a big one. That, by the way, happens in, not just in our field, in every field. If you're not cool to work with. Yeah. That's a big one. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's a lot of comics don't get that either. Yeah. There's a couple that like, there was that expression I've heard specifically about someone who I'll tell you when somebody assholes their way out of an industry. Like it's a great express. Like you can, you can fucking be such a dick that literally, even though you're actually,

you are profitable, people just go like, no. - There's a lot of people like that. But that's what I mean about self-sabotage. - Yeah, they self-sabotage. - They totally do. - You get in your own way. - Yeah. And it's upsetting to see 'cause they're so talented. - Exactly. And then they go, I don't fucking know. And you're like, you do know actually. - Yeah, and they burn so many bridges that they will never go anywhere. - I know, I know a few of them. - Me too. - What are you doing, man? - Yeah. - Man. - Yeah, I know.

- Yeah, couple of fucking, it makes no sense. But I guess in the reality of somebody like that, it's actually probably, I mean, there's some, almost like you're sick. Why would you do this? It doesn't, it's not, you can't reason with someone doing that, really. - No, you can't. And they're not gonna put in millions of dollars, like an investment with someone that they know it's gonna end up being a disaster. - That's a big investment. - Yeah.

People don't recognize that either. Yeah. That people are putting up real money. Right. When they give you like a show or a movie. Yeah. Yeah. That's an investment in you. Well, I always say as a comic, you're your own business. You're the salesperson. You're the secretary or the treasurer. I mean, it's like you are. You're an entrepreneur. You're CEO of this company. Exactly. You're the CEO. You have to sell yourself. Curzon Inc. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

- For sure. - Yeah. I mean, you guys are a business. But you are perfect for your own show. Like you are a character. Like when people look at you, hear you, your whole thing is a television show. - Really? - Yes.

- I never thought of myself as that. - Totally, also because you're so real and you talk about yourself and real stuff, you're honest. I don't laugh at people that don't do that. - I'm the same.

Like I laugh really hard at Robert Kelly because he talks so much about his life. I have to see that too. I'm just saying. He's so funny to me. When somebody is like Robert or like you or like. Yeah, I do too. I talk a lot about my life. I have to have that if you want, if I'm going to have genuine. Me too. Tears and laughter. If it's, I can appreciate a well-crafted. That's how I am. Joke where I go, this person is proficient.

Right. Because you go, that is proficient standup. They know how to lay out the idea, the premise. And these are good jokes. But I'm never, I'll just kind of watch that almost like intellectually. Me too. I just watch it and I'm like, oh, that's interesting. What a great joke writer. But to really laugh, I have to have the real shit. That's how I am. But you can see them laugh.

like having a show around them. - That's true. That part's true, yeah. Robert, I've said this, but he's such a good actor too. - He's great because he's so real and in touch with his feelings. And he also works on himself. I think the best comics are the ones that work on themselves. - I think you're right. Look at us. Fucking 100 years of therapy combined. - Yeah, yeah. - Working on ourselves. - But that is one of the reasons why you're so talented and so good because you work on yourself.

And she said I was handsome when we started. You are. I mean, come on. You don't think you're handsome? No, I just said like I feel like I have that, you know, that thing where I'm always like, you're not. I understand that. You know what I mean? Like you're always kind of beating yourself up. I'm always beating myself up. So I feel like I'm like that very much with like.

Physique, body. So I'm always like, I need to do this more. Were you complimented a lot as a kid? As a young kid? Yeah, I was complimented. I wasn't. No? No, I was not. At all. Really? Yeah. Not at all. In the family? No. And like teachers, strangers? No, I was not complimented.

I was always told how funny I am. So from a very young age. I got, so when I was, I always make fun of this, but like I used to always, we'd be introduced. I have two sisters. So we'd be introduced and they'd be like, my older sister, they're like, she's brilliant. She's...

She's an amazing athlete. She's got such a fun personality. She's an extrovert, you know, she's like straight A's. And then my little sister, they were like, she's adorable. She's our baby. She's the cutest. She's the sweetest. And then I'd be like, and they go, he's really nice. And I was like,

I was like, that feels good. He's okay. Yeah. He's a very nice kid. Yeah. I was like, is that it? Yeah. So I think I internalized that a lot. Yeah. And then we moved a lot. So then it just became, it became, he's really funny. Cause I just try to make everybody laugh. Me too. So. From a very young age. Cause I realized how I could make friends and win people over. Definitely. And schmooze people. Yeah. And now I'm like, oh, fuck off. I'm not trying to make you laugh, dipshit. That's how I make people now. I hate making people laugh. Yeah. Yeah.

No, but you're very good looking and you're very sexy. Yeah. Yeah. Female comics. I told you this in the beginning, but we, we've talked about, cause we'll be like, there's really not a lot of hot male comics. A lot of gross ones. Yeah. They're disgusting, but, but there's some hot female comics that show their assholes on Instagram, but that's besides the point. You just see a picture of like inside an asshole. Like come see me in Houston. Yeah.

it's a great promo you gotta help you gotta give it to them that's how you sell a ticket that's where you read it about around their asshole i'm gonna take all these everything you said and go into my day like that so thank you very much yeah and i gotta tell you it is always fun to see you always make me laugh so much and i'm super i genuinely am super happy for your success thank you and i can't wait to see it like continue and i love talking to you i do we really should do like a like a

run together. A you and I on tour would be a very good show. That'd be fun. We'll talk to our fucking agent when this is over. All right, we gotta wrap. Jessica Curzon, go to jessicacurzon.com for tickets and check out her crowd work special on YouTube on her page. It's no material, all crowd work. All crowd work. It's...

There's going to be tons of clips of it on TikTok and on Instagram, everywhere. I can't wait. Yeah. My YouTube is Jessica Curse and Comedy. Perfect. Thank you for coming today. Thank you for having me. We'll see you next week, guys. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye.