John Stamos Was Bullied For His Looks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 209
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This week on Two Bears, One Cave. Blackie, you play drums, right? For everyone listening, your character in General Hospital's name is Blackie. Yeah? Thank you for clarifying. You're right. What did you guys talk about when you went to dinner? Poop. Really? They were very foul. Poop and, you know, inappropriate stuff. Did Dave Coulier ever... Shit his pants? I haven't done one with Tom in a while because our schedules are chaotic. You don't need him. I mean, I live right down the street. 100%. Cheers. Cheers.

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So see that leather bag right there? Yeah. That was filled with marijuana. Roughly 15 pounds. A couple months ago, Joey Diaz has a- Now it's empty? And now it's empty. Let's go, Greg. We've had enough. I'm what they call California sober. Yeah? What's that? Where you do mushrooms and weed. I find weed to be a very helpful tool in empathy. I could never negotiate pot. Really? I would fall asleep.

and it'd be like, who gave Stamos the pot? He'd be sleeping over in the corner. I never got it. Oh yeah, the first time you lost your virginity or the time you lost your virginity, you smoked oregano. Did you read this book? I listened. Did you read some of it? I listened. Oh, listen, yeah, it's better, I think. Yeah, it is. Can I say... I had to slow down because I listened at 1.5.

And to slow down and go back to parts, I wanted to hear what Rickles called the Asian lady. And I had to listen to that twice. Because I was like, wait, what? And then your dad with Frank Sinatra. Yeah. So you like, that's your scene, the old Rat Pack kind of vibe. Well, you know, it's interesting. We have a lot of similarities.

I am a massive Beach Boys fan. Oh my God, this is going to be great. As we were driving over and I said, I really love this guy and he was filling me in on stuff. I said, we have absolutely nothing in common. No, we have a lot. Okay, good. We have a lot. As a matter of fact, I say at our core, we're the same guy. Really? I don't mind...

I don't mind celebrity. Like, I kind of enjoy it. I love it. And my buddy, my partner, who I do the podcast with normally, Tom, he does not like it. If he could do the job without fame, he would. I'd make fun of him. In the past, I'd make fun of him for it. But now you just understand there's certain people that, I don't know, I guess, I'm not really certain what the trappings brought them. But for me, I don't mind it. It

There's a part in your book where you talk about going to Burning Man and wearing a costume so you don't get recognized. Yeah, it pissed me off. And then in a little bit, you're like, wait, whatever. We're the people, yeah. First of all, can I say you and Tom are one of the great comedies, the new great comedy team of our generation. You guys are the perfect chemists, perfect two different guys. Your whole thing is, man, he tries to calm you down. Kind of like me. I mean, we were the poor men, like me and Saget. He was sort of neurotic. Well, you guys, you, Dave, and Saget were the first comedians

It was cool when we found out you guys were all friends. Yeah. Because, you know, I think back in the day, and this is the interesting thing about your book. And by the way, I've said the title of your book. I said it on a private jet the other day. Right, right. If you would have told me. If you would have told me. If you would have told me. So let me just say first, too, like congratulations to you because you've risen higher than, you know, anyone I'm sure would imagine. Yeah.

That is exactly how I feel. But you're a good man, you're a hard worker, and you're talented, and you've got a great family. You love your family, and that's really great to see. I'm very happy for you. That's what I'm trying to say. Well, thank you very much. And becoming famous is the greatest, right? It's not that bad. No. People like...

Like I remember Rogan saying, and Rogan's one of my best friends, him saying, I wish I could be less famous. I do understand that. Why? I do understand him saying that because with fame comes a lot of the, he was getting a lot of negative attention as well.

And so I understand that. I understand how nice it must be to just kind of like not be on Instagram at all and just live in that world. Do you read the comments and stuff? I don't read the comments. People love you. Nobody has anything to say about you. You'd be shocked. Well, once you get to a certain threshold, the tide goes out.

I guess so. I've always been sort of at the lower end of the middle for a long time. Yeah, but even when you got busted in the car with the DUI, even to read those, you must have been a little bit like... Which I kind of thought all you did was you thanked...

all the the the the cops and you and the everyone at cedars-sinai everyone you thanked everyone you kind of did it classy but even still that was probably the first back splash of negative fame you got and i think i was too fucked up to read it at that point yeah but i deserved i mean if anybody was saying anything bad about me you know that was a that was a low i was going to meet saga at the palm were you guys friends by the way yeah i wouldn't friends is is a broad stroke i knew bob

I knew Bob. I worked with him a few times. He was very generous to me. And we did a couple podcasts together. I loved him. I thought he was the sweetest guy. He paid me $5,000 when he didn't need to pay me $500 one time. For a blowjob or what was it for? It was a blowjob. It was a blowjob. Yeah.

I love stand-ups, and that's part of my deal with Bob. I'm fascinated by what you guys do. I can't do it. Really? But I love the mechanics of it. I love the math of it. And you have this ease that I haven't seen anyone have in a long time where you just get out there and the shirt comes off. Well, I think I've gotten more comfortable. I think I've gotten more comfortable. Like, it's funny. I was thinking about how...

You've been famous since you were, what, 19? When did you do General Hospital? I was 18. 18 years old? Yeah. And a fame when...

That fame doesn't exist anymore. That's only Justin Bieber fame now. Like only Justin Bieber gets that level of what you got. That Tiger Beat. General Hospital was the biggest show. Did you watch it? Yeah, of course I did. You did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I did. General Hospital, only, I have to say this, the girls that I wanted to date were big General Hospital fans. So that would be our thing in the summer. We'd go over to the Tamayo Twins house and we'd all watch General Hospital. Twins? Tamayo Twins. Did you go out with both of them? I did go out with both of them.

Did you have sex with both of them? No, I just made. Your wife's not. I haven't had sex with a lot of people. Women. Okay, so wait. So what did it feel like when you, like, when was the first fame that you got? Like, from, was it the Machine? When the Machine story went viral. That's a perfect special, by the way. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. When the Machine story went viral. No, take that back. 1997, Rolling Stone magazine called me the number one party animal in the country. I was in college, and I was legit crazy.

I didn't know what it felt like then, but now I know what it feels like. I was legit famous. Everyone knew who I was on campus. They would point at me. And it felt good, right? They would stare at me. It did. If it itched an itch, I didn't know I needed itching. Mm-hmm.

I remember being at a blimpies and I've never been to one. There was a, Oh, it's so good. What is a blimpies? But this is a sandwich shop. Mostly I think it's South Florida, Florida. And it's just, it's so, they put so much meat on it. It's so good. It's so much better than subway blimpies. And, uh, these girls were staring at me and they were talking about me at a table over and they're attractive. Yeah. And I was with my buddies and they're like, this, these girls are like jocking us.

And then one of the girls came over and goes, are you Burt? And I went, I am. And they're like, oh my God. Oh my God. I can't believe like you're like real. And I was, and it was such a weird, you gotta remember, I was never attractive. You were attractive your whole life. No, I wasn't. Well,

- Yeah, you were. - No, I was gawky and dorky and I was in a band. - It's still hard for me to realize that part of your life. - But I'm really telling, I know people that are good looking say that all the time, but it really was, and I wasn't good with girls, I still am not, you know. And there's a picture in my book of me doing puppets for some girl and she's like,

you know, and then I went straight to the drums and that changed that. But there was that, that is an interesting side. The, the, the Knott's Berry Farm, Disney magic side of you is like, I go, of course he became an actor. Right. But I wanted at first to be famous, but not just the,

Because we talk about being funny. But to be liked, to be accepted, to have girls. I can't understand people that don't need that. Right, right. I want to be liked. I want people to want to get to know me. Yes. I remember to this day I go, if...

This is the craziest, but when I hear friends go, you have to meet dot, dot, dot. He is the funniest person I know. I would get offended my whole life going, but you know me. Why would you say that out loud? I'm sitting right here. Clearly, I'm the funniest person you know. Yeah. Someone said that about me. You've got to meet Rob Lowe. He's the most handsome. I'm like, no, I'm kidding. I heard you slobbering over Rob Lowe on the show last night.

Rob's had a fascinating, very different than you, I would say, because they partied really hard. You were always like a straight-laced dude. But my wife finally called me on it. One of our first dates, we were at Disney World, and we were at Epcot. And I had glasses on and a hat, and I'm walking around trying to be, you know. And nobody's recognizing me.

I was like, oh, shit. I'll take the glasses off. So I'm trying to make eye contact. I'm trying to get laid. And no, it's not. My hair. My hair's famous. I've got to take my fucking hat off. Took the hat off. And still kind of was like, can I have some mercy? So finally, people started recognizing me and coming up. And she's just there to watch. I said, I'll be right with you. I've got my pants on. She goes, that was terrible. That doesn't interest me at all. That doesn't turn me on. And then it's a term she calls Epcotting.

like peacocking or something, but Epcot. He said, don't Epcot over here. That's really interesting. And then I said, will you marry me? My wife says, no, we call it going to Paramus.

Was that hot? There's a movie called Soap Dish. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gary Marshall. Yeah. And when... She went to the mall. Is that right? Yeah. They go, she's feeling down about herself. Let's take her to Paramus. Right, right. And so they go to Paramus. We call going to Paramus. We also go to Paramus when we're on tour and you got extra tickets to sell. You're like, let's go to Paramus. Let's go to the mall and let's clean up the arena. Now, Tom won't go to the mall. No. Oh.

I want to make jokes about him and mock him. But there's a part of me that in this conversation I find very unique is that Tom is very specific. He's not impressed by celebrity. I definitely am. Like if

I got a call one time to work out with Arnold Schwarzenegger and I was like, no matter what, I'll drop everything. Tom literally would be like, yeah, I can't make it. Yeah, but he talks about Brad Pitt. Doesn't he be in his best friend or something? Yeah. It's in his act. Yeah, but it's not real. He did it for a bit. Right. He just needed a bit. He seems like he doesn't care about that kind of stuff. He does in a weird way. He becomes like, if you met Tom, he wouldn't,

He's really good at making friends. And then I'm not good at making friends. I'm just not good at making friends. Really? Like, yeah. You're so friendly. We'll hang out. We'll talk. And then at the end, you'll be like, do you like cigars? I go, I love cigars. We should have a cigar. And I go, yeah. And then I'll never call you back. Okay. And so I have a weird thing with like, I don't know why. Like, I'm weird at boundaries. Rogan was the one. I've said this a number of times. Right.

Had to pull me aside and be like, man, we're trying to be your friend and you're not letting us. And I was just like, I was like, yeah, but I don't understand why dudes like what was I like? I already have a wife and kids. What do I need friends for? And then I realized, oh, friends are fucking super valuable to talk shit about your wife and kids. Yeah. Who else are you going to talk to? Yeah. And who makes more money? You're Tom.

you're selling more no no i mean no i mean i i i don't shut up because i love him and he'll he'll eviscerate me no no tom has his i think his podcast your mom's house is very profitable i don't think he's touring right now so it's like it's any time anyone's touring i definitely do bigger venues than he does yeah he knows that okay good the uh he doesn't he's done an arena i do arenas so

So like, whereas Tom has done an arena. He's primarily his comfort levels theaters. That's where he really can sell tickets. One truck. Yeah. I have like five semis and three tour buses. He has...

Like, he flies. He flew Southwest recently. Okay, there you go. Yeah. He's not going to watch this, is he? No, he will definitely watch this. Oh, she's hot. I'm a big fan. A big fan of Tom. I really am. We have the GHB in common. That was my downfall. Oh, yeah. Didn't he have a thing on it?

He was taking GHB. But you were doing it to stay skinny too, right? I was doing it, yes, and it was a sexual, was he doing it to get skinny? No, Tom was doing it to party. Well, I did that too. GHB is a motherfucker. Terrible. I took GHB on a rock in Greece. In Greece. Really? Corfu.

Yeah. My people. Yeah. How was it? It was awesome. We didn't, we just thought it was like ecstasy and we had so much fucking fun. It makes you very sexual, but it's terrible. Kids out there do not, cause you could do it five times the same way. And one, two, three, five party. Fifth time. Yeah. And that's what I, that's,

That's what happened. Well, the dosage of it was always skeptical. They're like, here, take a capful. And you're like, oh, did someone measure this out? Yeah, right, right. Where did you get GHB from? Well, some guy, some waiter somewhere. Really? Yeah. Do you want his number? No, but I'm curious about your partying time because I never knew you to be even a drink dude. Right. Well, people, I mean, some people was like, oh, good, he needs to go away. And others were like, really? I didn't even...

Howard Stern. Do you like Howard? I do like Howard. Have you been on? You must have been on. No. Really? No. I think I missed that whole...

That whole ship has sailed for me. I think pretty notoriously he hates Joe Rogan. Right. Oh, and you're Joe Rogan. And I'm Joe's friend. Well, I'll talk you up next week. Yeah, please. But he... I think he does like... It seems like Howard interviews Steven Spielberg. And he's only in doing the really, really... Does he leave his house? He has been lately. Really? He went in for Keith Richards and who else was on? Sting.

Simon a Garth assignment Paul Simon so you was Howard guy even before he was like serious Howard yeah, yeah He was so fucking good. Yeah. He still is he's the best interviewer there is he's the best interviewer there is And I bet you guys would you would like each other I would I would be nervous that Howard would find the value in interviewing me trying to like because sometimes there are some

Some people find the currency in something. That's what I'm always nervous about these days. If you don't know me and I haven't been on your show, sometimes people bring me on their show just to shit on Rogan. And you're like, I'm not going to do that. That would be my fear. He wouldn't do that. No, I don't think so. He would ask questions like I am. When you were famous first, what's that like? How was your family? How do you get away with talking about your family and act? Does that ever come up? Do you get in trouble?

It's definitely toothpaste I cannot get back in the tube. Right. In hindsight, I look at... How old are your daughters now? I don't know. Okay. 19 and 17. Oh, shit. Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero lunchbox, superhero bathhouse,

But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon, spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else.

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Now, I watched The Machine recently, and for some reason I thought that was your latest. Obviously it wasn't. But talking about your daughter, does she come back and go, Dad, do you remember when you said I was a... So when I did Hey Big... I think it was Hey Big Boy, me and her were in the pool. Isla and I were in the pool. Isla, yes. And I said to her, Hey...

I talk about you a lot in this special. I never really ran this by you. Are you cool with it? She was young at the time, and she said, you know, I know you love me, and I know what a joke is. I understand jokes. She goes, the only part I'm not cool with

is people knowing me who I don't know. So the fame thing that is enticing to me when it's, when you, when you haven't requested it, it can be terrifying, I guess. When people know you and you're just trying to be a sixth grader and people are like staring at you and going, that's the girl, that's the part she doesn't like. And that's, I mean, I wish I could, I wish I could

Fix that but at the same time it's like our car Yeah Yeah, I can send her to college I can send her sister to college they really are they super proud of you they gotta be I think we do a tour in the summer called fully loaded and When they see I think there's a moment of

where my kids like there's a moment where because you know it's all arenas and it's all 10 of the best comics every week or 10 of the best comics are with us we're all five different tour buses no seven tour buses i mean it's really packed it's stacked it is and every morning we would get together everyone would have breakfast at catering

And it is 10 of the funniest human beings ever. We're laughing hysterically. My daughters are there. My wife's there. Our teams are there. Like we're all, it really is like family. And then we'd go off to float a river or go work out at University of Nebraska or do something fun. And then we'd do a sold out show. And then we'd party until three in the morning and get on tour buses and then wake up and do the same thing over. And my daughter Georgia was sitting at the table when everyone starts to dissipate and it's just me and her. And she just goes, this is fun.

- It was fucking awesome. - Yeah. - And I was like, yeah, now you get how great this job is. Even doing two bears, I haven't done one with Tom in a while because our schedules are chaotic. - You don't need him. Sorry, go ahead. I mean, I live right down the street if you ever need him. We got the GHB in common.

Sorry, I hope he doesn't. - No, no, no, Tom won't. - So wait, so I'm all over the place. So your daughter got it. That's the beauty of it, right? A family affair. And those are memories that they will have for the rest of their lives. They'll remember those beautiful moments with you. - Well, it's funny to watch when you watch people blow up. Like right now, Shane Gillis, his special's doing really well and he's having like, I guess what they say in the industry, a moment. He's blowing up. And I've been friends with Shane

for a very long time and my daughter has been a fan of Shane's before any of this was happening, when in her book, Shane was like the edgy guy that had gotten in trouble through SNL. And so her and her friend Daisy think Shane's hilarious. They love Shane. So to watch Shane get really famous and to watch all these boys at their colleges idolize Shane now,

Those two have like, they've got like a thing like, are you talking about Shane? Oh, he's like our uncle. Yeah, like yeah. Same with Joey Diaz. Like they know Joey Diaz as Uncle Joey. Right. Like they don't know, they'd never seen him do stand-up until we were on tour together. So, or Tom. Like they don't think, they've known Tom since they were kids.

in diapers and like in diapers. - They don't think he's funny, huh? - No one in my family is gonna find him funny. - I'm gonna get killed. I love this Tom Segura. So that's good. So back to, did you ever see when I brought Rickles into Howard Stern, did you see that video? - I didn't see that episode, but I heard you talk about it. You said that you had a new girlfriend and you wanna introduce. - Yeah, right. - Rickles was the fucking greatest. - Greatest ever. Did you meet him then? - No, I never met him. - Oh really? Oh man, that's too bad. - Mr. Warmth was,

was fucking insane. Insane. He deserved it. When I met him, he was... Everybody thought he was dead. There was no Mr. Warmth. There was no these tributes to him and stuff. And he...

he was, I just paid attention to him. That's how it is with a lot of these guys. They just paid attention, took him to dinner and we hung out. He didn't love comics. It took me a while to wedge in, uh, Saget. And then he loved Saget. It took me even longer to get Jeff Ross in there because, yeah, cause he thought he was doing his thing, you know? Um, but, but he was, we were like school. He, we, we would talk on the phone all the time and he was like, uh, you know, we would, he,

he just was, and then he sort of became like a second father to me and I just spent a lot of time with him and his wife and I miss him. But I love, like I was saying earlier, I love stand-up and he was, you know, obviously the master and to watch him work and figure out how he worked. One time for my birthday, he said, what do you want for your birthday? I said, I want to listen to Hello Dummy and I want to ask you about the, no, you can't do that. I said, you asked me what I want. So we sit down and then

Then we're listening to it and I try to stop it. And I said, how did you set up? I'm listening to myself. I'm great. I haven't heard it, but he never heard like he, I got to show him on YouTube, uh, his, his Carson interviews that he hadn't seen this night show. And that was really a treat too.

He was so good that my favorite parts of Rick Rolls as a comic is when you can see he surprises himself, especially on Carson, where you could see he'd smile to himself. Yeah, right. He was fucking genius. You have a respect for all those guys. Did that...

I was wondering where it comes from because I have a lot of friends that love the Rat Pack. I was a Rat Pack fan from afar in the art of it. I loved five dudes on stage screwing around. I never wanted to try to replicate it. I have a bunch of friends who've tried to embody the Rat Pack.

I am not, I've never been that guy. Or if I was in the Rat Pack, I'd be the guy, I would have been Joey Lawrence. I would have been the one they're making fun of. Joey Lawrence? Not Joey Lawrence. Joey Bishop. Joey Lawrence. I'm sorry, Joey Lawrence. Joey Lawrence is a great guy. I love Joey Lawrence. My bad, Joey. Yeah, sorry. But I would have been Joey Bishop. I would have been Dean. I would have been Dean where everyone's like, he's the drunk. You know, like...

Yeah, it was magical what they had, right? I have this great... So one of the Beach Boys, Carl Wilson, who passed away, he was married to Dean Martin's daughter, Gina. And when Carl had cancer and I went to see him and Dean had given Gina this bootleg of the Rat Pack to cheer up Carl, she would play it and it didn't really work. And so she gave it to me. I'll send it to you. It's a...

No one's heard it before. It's just the three of them on stage in Chicago, I think. It's incredible. Gary Marshall used to write jokes for them, too. Really? Yeah. He was another one of my guys. Did you ever meet Gary? No. I sat next to Penny Marshall at a Coldplay concert once. Close, close. Penny Marshall and Brittany Murphy went to a Coldplay concert together. Dead, dead, and dead. I'm here. You are? Yeah. How old are you?

50. It took a second. I was definitely the one partying the hardest that night too. Penny used to party. I saw her strip club once with...

uh, the basketball player, uh, Penny Hardaway. No, no. Um, Penny Hardaway. I'm sorry. Well, he, he, he, he likes China. Dennis Rodman. Yeah. Rodman. And he, and my friend was, I'm, by the way, this is one thing we don't have sports. Cause I don't know anything about. Oh, I know. I just barely know a little. Please. That's all you. Yeah. Um, I played a coach in a basketball show. Did you ever see that show? Big shot. It was called it. Played this. Uh, I played a coach who got kicked out of the end, uh, NC. What is it? The,

The college? NCAA? NCAA, yeah. And you remember when Dean used to pick up Sammy and say, I'd like to thank the NCAA for this award. And he gets in trouble for throwing a chair, and I had to work my way back up at an all-girls private high school in Laguna. It was a good show. David Kelly was right there.

But I digress. What were we talking about? Oh, Dennis Rodman. And Penny's here. My best friend Mike's here, who's bald. And Rodman comes up behind him and rubs his balls on my friend's head. It's like, what the shit is Dennis Rodman's balls? I think the two of them were together that night, too. Really? Yeah. How long did you live with your parents for?

I lived until I was about 20, 21. When I was on general hospital, I moved up during the week, but then I'd go home on the weekends. Me and my friend Roger Lodge, he was from a blind date. A friend of mine who I grew up with.

We stayed at the Barham apartment. We thought it was the greatest. I know those Barham apartments. They got free breakfast on Sundays and they got a movie. We had one room, like a studio apartment. And so we lived at the Oakwood. Yeah. Your mom, the funniest, or the interesting part is I know now dudes

It's very Greek and Italian to stay with your parents later in life. Yeah. But it's funny to hear you doing it and you're on general hospital. Yeah. And that fucking, for lack of better terms, I know this is a person in your life, but the person who discovered you in Tiger Beat ended up dating Richard Ramirez. Marrying him. Marrying him. Yeah.

Fuck. That is fucking insane. I didn't think I had a book in me until I started writing it. Are you serious? I was discovering my story and remembering all these things. You know what's so funny is I think there's actually two books in it in that the first part of your childhood is really fascinating because you're so honest and so vulnerable and you tell everything like...

You're like, I don't know, it just, and I thought, wow, as I got to the second half, I was like, there's enough, I could even go deeper on the second half. Like you really kind of like grazed over the whole Rebecca Romijn Stamos thing, which is such a fucking, like. Is it? Well, you gotta remember, like you guys were like the first team

First, kind of big couple in all those couples things. I'd never heard of the lady. I refuse. That's insensitive. I'd never heard of her until you started dating her, and then she became in the fucking X-Men. And then there's so much. You and Saget, you and Full House. There's so much more to you that I was like, this could have been two books for me. Your father and your mother seem...

- It was fucking so cool. - I was so grateful to have them. Are you close to your parents? - I am. I am very. - Are they here today? - You talked about your mom losing her mother. - Yeah, yeah. - I was actually like,

Did that happen to you? No, no, no, but they're going to die one day. Oh, yeah. Well, in the chapter about just losing my mom, is that what you're talking about? Yeah. And my dad, too. My mom wrote me these beautiful notes, and that was part of the—they just tried to get me to write a book. I was like, I have no—and Bob died, and I wrote this obituary in the L.A. Times. They said, oh, you should write. That was really good. I didn't remember writing it.

it. And then, but, and then, you know, I have a son now who's five and a half and now, and then I said, I have all these notes from my mom. Let me look at those. And I laid them out and I was like, okay, now I think I can patch a story together. Your mom loved you. Yeah. Yours too? Same? My mom loves me. Where is she, where do they live? Tampa. It's cool. To buy them a big house and everything? No, they had money. Oh, they did? You were a rich kid? No, no, but they had money. They didn't, I mean, they don't have my money. What?

You never bought? They definitely don't have my money. My parents? I haven't bought them shit. Why? I don't know. I mean, they have money. I'm just like, you guys got money? That does okay. Bob, what do they do? He's like a lawyer. Oh, really? He's like a teacher.

I pictured you growing up in the woods with like a, like deliverance or something. No, no. My mom, that's why you're like Burt Reynolds. No, I love Burt Reynolds. Our friend Garcia brought you something very special. Oh, that is a fucking one of the best gifts I've, it's hard to buy someone something these days. I, I, Tom and I. Well, that's what your parents were saying about you. It's not that hard for him to buy something for us. Why don't you get him a car? Oh. Should we call him now? You know what my dad said to me? It's so funny. The lease was up in my Mercedes and my dad said, uh,

you know i i love that car and he was like hinting at it and i was like oh yeah and then and then i was like i just said to leanne i was like yeah we should definitely buy it my dad really would have wanted it did you did you did they um did you so you grew up with money no no my so my dad worked are they still together your parents yeah that's great uh my dad worked for the church of scientology no shit which interestingly enough you

you were lured into but and i love that you're fucking your greek orthodox upbringing just was like hello like you just were like so untouched by scientology but i was also like an asshole like i mean i didn't give a fuck because i didn't get how you know that they can kill me now yeah but the the what is that they do the readings the readings but it was like two cans you know like put them in your hands yeah and i was i try to make it all time hey i don't know i don't know

Sherman, he went to the Wayback Machine. They're like, get out. Get out. We don't want him. My dad worked for L. Ron Hubbard. By the way, just recently, just recently, my dad asked me to stop saying this. Well, let's talk about it. He goes...

He goes, buddy, you got to fucking, I'm a lawyer. I'm not supposed to tell people what I fucking do. How did he, is he still with them? No. Does he know Travolta? No, no, no. My dad just recently was like, you cannot say this. But part of me goes, I don't really give a fuck. Because I'm like, I remember they worked for the Church of Scientology. And he was like, they're, by the way, I know he'd be rolling over. He'd be like, what the fuck? Let's call him.

See if they're home. Either one of them. Do they know who I am? I don't know. Okay, well, I wonder if my dad does. Your dad probably doesn't. He's a lawyer. Let's see. Your mom. Maybe, you know what, I'll do a FaceTime so he can see you. That's what I'm saying. Let's see. He's our buddy. He texted me. You've got to stop with the fucking Scientology shit. Can we all stop after my show? Apparently, hey.

Is that your dad? That's my dad. Hey, Dad, do you know who John Stamos is? Sure I do. That's him right there. Oh, that's him right there. Hey, hi, Mr. How did you say your last name? Chrysler. Chrysler, hi. Hey, I can't believe Bert doesn't recognize me. Well, he doesn't. Now we know where you got the comedy from. How are you, sir? You're in Florida now? Good to see you. You're in Florida? I'm going to come visit. The Beach Boys are there this week. For real? Yeah. Do you like the Beach Boys, sir? Yeah, but there's someone else here. Who else is here?

Doesn't matter. Oh, wow. But you like them better than the Beach Boys? No. Is that your... Yeah, Billy Joel's great. You should go see Billy Joel. Your son can buy you some tickets if he's not so cheap. Yeah. We were just talking about you, and I asked him about you guys because I had very good parents, and he said he loves his parents. He's very close to you guys. I said, have you bought him anything? And he said, no, I have not bought him anything. Yeah. My dad wants a car, but...

But he said that you guys were great parents and he loves you dearly, and that's pretty sweet. Yeah. Super proud, too, when he became famous and everything and successful? I'm very proud. He's got people like you on his podcast. It's very impressive. That's a charmer. Hey, Dad, John, when he was younger, got brought in by the church. What church? Of Scientology. We're not talking about that, Bert. We're not talking about them, Bert.

What's your mom? I love you. Where's your mom? Where's your mom? Wait, wait, wait. John wants to talk to mom. What's her name? Gigi. Hi, mom. You're Bert's mom. That's pretty cool. How are you doing, Gigi? Is Gigi short for? Margaret. Gigi's sexier, I think.

I was brought up Catholic. He's Greek, Mom. Oh, Mom's got her hair done. Holy shit. She knew we were calling. Okay, okay. Do you have siblings? Two sisters. She has two sisters. Yeah, we do have a lot in common. Well, I'm going to continue to talk to your son, but it was nice to see you guys. All right, I love you. I love you. Okay. She's like, thank you. All right, I love you, Mom. I'll talk to you later. Bye. Bye, Gigi. Yeah, he sent me a text. He's like, you've got to stop fucking talking about this.

But it's already done, I think. I mentioned it on Rogan. How did he get out? I don't know. I'm not supposed to talk about it. He stopped working. I don't know. But so my point is we didn't have a ton of money then. And then he got money. He made money when I went to college. When I left for college, like towards the very end of my college, all of a sudden my sister Cotty was like,

Like dad's doing really good. Dad sold his company. And when I got, when I moved to New York, when I got my first development deal, my dad, so this is all stuff that would make my dad so fucking uncomfortable, but he sold his company and he had his first nest egg of like, I can, I'm good. I can breathe. Yeah. But my dad was always a paycheck to paycheck kind of guy.

- And were you famous by then already, making money? - No, no, I didn't get famous. I didn't really get famous until I was like 40 something. - How old are you now, in the 50s? - 50. 44 was, I think, when I started really selling tickets, is at 44. - Did you think, "God, I'm never gonna make it like some of these friends." - Yeah, yeah, of course. - Do you know Giannis Papas?

Very well. He's my buddy, and we called him on the way over here. He needs to get where you guys are. I don't know why he hasn't yet. No, it just happens differently for everyone. Right, right. People said that about me. They're like, you know, people would sit me down and say you're funny as shit. Yeah.

For me, it was always like I was more about, because I had kids, I was about making money. So I'd take a job at a travel channel and I would do work that no one was going to see, but it paid well. Or at least I thought it paid well until I started podcasting. And then I was like, fuck, this pays way better. Is this where the first dough started coming, the podcast or the big shows? No. So I was at a travel channel. I'm guessing, and by the way, I talk too much, but $7,000 an episode or maybe $10,000 an episode. Mm-hmm.

i thought that was like i was like that's money i made 450 dollars on a per episode on general hospital for real yeah and then the second year i was only two years and then my contractor was up and i said i'm leaving they're like hold it you know and then and then wait you went from general hospital to your first pilot the general hospital to a cbs deal that i had with john peters who you know do you know who he was i do yeah

He was Barbra Streisand's character. One of the first bullies that I ran into. - Is he the one that threw you up against the wall? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He was a fucking ass. He's dead, right? - No, not yet. He is now.

he turned to scientology and your dad's gonna have to what how did you okay so anyway yeah so you made seven thousand that's a lot seven thousand it was a lot of money i was like five thousand dollars what i made on my first tv show ever the actual i made five thousand dollars a week which one was that what is that on fx it was day and date you shot four you shot basically five days in a row it was awesome i didn't realize how great my life was yeah at that moment i had a

Community of a TV show. Yeah, not every day right? Yeah, so fucking good Someone told you that I think I think I might have heard that in your book about just how great it was Like when you're when you get in yet when you got plugged into General Hospital about like family. Yeah, it's your family Oh, it's fucking amazing. And then so $5,000 I did the math wrong I thought that made me a millionaire and so I was like that was my goal is to make $5,000 a week. So even in stand-up I wasn't making that and then when I did

My travel channel show, I was making like $7,000. Now I did the math and I was like, okay, that doesn't make me a millionaire. But when I did my first podcast read, I was getting, I'll say the real numbers, but I think I was getting like $1,500 per read. What's that mean? Oh, for the commercials and stuff? And I did seven reads.

Or maybe it was $1,200. I did 700 reads. And I did the math and I wasn't paying managers or agents. I was like, oh fuck, I'm done with television. We had a similar experience. I didn't have a bear sit on my face though. No. But you talked about being turned off. I forget what it is. But being in a situation where you're like,

This is gross. This isn't where I want to be. This isn't what I want to be doing. And I had a moment like that on television where I was like, I'm done with television. I just want to do podcasts. Because, yeah, you had a lot more control here, obviously. A lot more. And in all honesty, this is going to sound crazy, but I probably couldn't get you for a TV show. What do you mean? Like if I had a TV show and we were trying to get you as a guest starring, it would be really difficult. I don't think so. You'd be shocked. Like, trust me, I had a show called The Cabin on Netflix. Yeah, never saw it. Never saw it.

To get talent. It was a great show. It was probably one of the better shows I've ever done. And probably one of the most well-received shows I've ever done. Getting talent was impossible. Impossible. Because once you get agents and managers and everyone's involved, then it becomes so fucking complicated. And people want to come on this show. But on podcasts, you have a great book and you want to promote it. And in a weird way, I don't think people understand podcasting yet. You do, I think, because you're friends with the audience.

Yeah, I'm going to be honest. Josh Peck, you know, has had one for a long time. You were on his show. It was great. I loved him. But Howard, he started this, you know. Howard's a legend. Yeah, but to be able to talk for an hour, I don't know, how long does this show go? Probably an hour, hour 15. No, I'm kidding. But to talk, because the book, like, you know, I'm doing all these talk shows next week, and you know, you got like three jokes, you got to get out and a thing, and then goodbye. But to

But to sit and talk about, I just read, I did a piece in the New York Times and I read it this morning. It was fine, but you know, it was hard. It was a lot. They were cramming everything in and this and that and they had some things. And I'm grateful to be in the New York Times. It's pretty cool. But to sit and be able to really just talk out stuff with you and you're smart, you're funny, your parents are very attractive. Your audio book will kill it. I like doing that a lot. And I'll tell you why, because you read it. You listen to me a little fast. I listen to you fast. So how did I sound like it? I'll tell you.

And then when you heard sex or vagina or something, then you slowed it down? I would slow it down if you said something. Like, there was a couple times. I never didn't think about this. You probably relate to some of this. You're not drinking now? Not right now, but I'm not sober. Yeah. I'm not. But you seem to have it under control, yes? Yeah, I guess. I don't know. We were just, we were just.

Because I read this, your book opens with your getting a DUI. And I'm going through a lot of the... What I would argue is trying to figure out when I drink and why I drink. Like meaning...

- What is the thing that, 'cause I don't, I absolutely don't need to drink. I don't need to drink to get on stage and I don't need to drink to go to bed and I don't need to drink, I definitely don't need to drink during the days, I often don't, but here's the thing, I really love day drinking. - You love it. - Day drinking is one of the funnest things in the world. - I did too. And at Disneyland, I loved to drink at Disneyland. - Oh my God.

Oh my God. Because it was, yeah, I missed that sometimes. You don't drink at all anymore? Mm-mm. And you just, after that DUI, you were like, I'm done. Well, I went to rehab. How was rehab? It was difficult. I mean, but it was, I had to do it. I was bad. I mean, I just wasn't, I wasn't,

I was confusing the universe. I wasn't living up to my potential. You seem to, you know, a lot of people can do just fine and they put it away when they have to. And like you're saying, I don't drink it during the day. I don't have to drink at night. I don't have to drink to get on stage. Um, but I like to do, it just made everything better. I thought that it,

Certainly wasn't. When you were partying your hardest, what did it look like? Would you drink during the day? Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah. I was on ER. You talked about cleaning up. You're like, if I had work to do, I would stop drinking and I'd sweat it out. And I was like, I never had to sweat it out. Oh, really? Well, then you're fine. I mean, I would, yeah, I'd have to sweat it out. But then after a while, I just couldn't stop. I just needed it, you know?

Really? You said Ambien was harder to kick than alcohol. Yeah. It was difficult to fall asleep without it. But it's been close to eight years. It was over eight years now. Eight years. Yeah, it's unbelievable because I would drink all the time. But it was preventing me from... What I really wanted was a family alcohol.

wanted a wife and a kid. And now that I have, you know, I, now I have it. I'm so grateful that I, but I would have not had it if I didn't clean up, but people could see it on me, you know, and, and, you know, you'd get drunk and then it would just be low hanging fruit and just to satisfy this urge of loneliness or whatever it might be. And you realize how many of us would settle for your low hanging fruit. Yeah.

I bet they'd throw some fucking heat towards my wife if I saw your low-hanging fruit. The one on the right. Dude, the one that slept with Tony Danza is still hot as fuck. She's got to be 60. She's still fucking hot. Terry, what's her name? Terry, pull her up. She's beautiful today. She's beautiful today. That was the stuff that I discovered where I was writing about her and I was so heartbroken that I caught her in bed with Tony Danza and

And then, um, and it, I mean, I was busted up. And then, uh,

Years later, we're doing Full House. And the first season wasn't... It didn't bomb, but it wasn't doing great. It was on the bubble, as they say. Yeah, that's interesting you say that. And towards the end, they were like, ah, we don't know if this is going to work. But we're going to put it on one of our hit shows during the summer and see if it gets an audience. If it does, then maybe you guys can come back. They put us on after one of their hit shows. We garnered this big audience. Season two, we're a hit. The show was Who's the Boss? So Tony Danza...

Fuck me over here and I wouldn't be here right now probably without the success of this. Well, he got your sloppy seconds and then you took his. Yeah, but he had no action. There you go. Yeah, that's right. He had your sloppy seconds and then you picked up his for the lead in. I should have used that. You had a line that made me laugh out loud and I almost wrote it down. I almost wrote it down and I forgot what the line was and I was like, that's a fucking funny line. What was it about? It was, I don't know. I can't remember. Garcia will claim that he wrote it, but.

He would, you know, he lives down the street. We've been friends for 30 years. He's a genius. He is a genius. I want to say Tom introduced me to him at first.

The reason we have Jimmy Tatro in my movie is because of him. Who? Jimmy Tatro is fucking phenomenal. He's fucking phenomenal. When I need a joke, I'll text him. He'll be like, you know, kid, soccer kid, whatever. Ten seconds later, boom. You met your current wife. You met her totally sober. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Really? She would have run for the hill. She's too sharp. She calls me out for Epcot-ing that she...

Yeah. And, you know, if I was turning, I just turned 60. If I was 60 and didn't have a wife and kids, I don't know if I could. That's all I wanted. Like, you had it young, you know, like your family. Yeah. I did it broke. Yeah, well, good. It's different doing it broke. Hard. Hard. No, I think there's a lot of, I think it, you know, when people get like,

I think when people get diagnosed with a disease and then you go, God, I can't imagine that. And then if it happens to you, you go, yeah, no, you figure it out. I think that's the same thing about having a kid broke. You're just like, I look back at the things fondly that I go, I remember going to Wood Girl Ranch. It was our really nice dinner. If we took the girls out. And I remember just, I look back and go, God, I fucking miss those days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My parents used to take us to Love's Barbecue. Do you remember that? I do remember Love's.

Where did you go? Where'd you go from Florida? That's the other part of this. I grew up in Florida. What part of Florida? Tampa. My first concert was a Beach Boys concert. Oh, let's talk about that. Where was I there? Where was it? Oh, wait. It was with Whitney Houston at Tampa Stadium. Oh, I don't know. What year? In the 90s or something? It had to be. We should call Mike Love. You called your dad. Do you want to call? Let me see where they're at. The Beach Boys is a band, and I will say this, that...

If you're listening to this, you're sleeping on. Meaning, you don't realize the brilliance of their music. When people think of the Beach Boys, they think, little old lady from Pasadena. That was Jenna Dean. Right, right. Was it really? You're thinking of Little Deuce Coop. You don't know what I mean. That's what they think is when they think of Beach Boys. What they don't think is,

Good Vibrations is one of the most beautiful songs. - God Only Knows. - God Only Knows. - Yeah, gorgeous. - Holy fuck. So like, I went through a huge Beach Boys phase. - Really? - Where I was just like, sometimes it takes listening to a song on a plane to get you in it. And I was pretty hammered on a plane listening to Wilco. - Really? I've never heard of it. - And I don't know, it's just-- - On a plane? - On a plane. 'Cause you can't move and you're forced to be in the moment, in the music.

And, uh, what came up? Pet sounds. It had to be, I'll tell you. No, uh, uh, the sleuth, sleuth, zombie. Yeah, that was pet sounds. What a fucking song, right? What a fucking song.

And you're just sitting there going, this is beautiful. And then I think once you... And you were responsible for the movie about the Beach Boys on ABC, right? And I had seen that. And then you start realizing the depth of the characters. And you realize that, I would say,

Almost like the Jackson 5 they were had a father who was little yes, right right a little he was Very jealous, you know, I wanted to be a singer Murray but um But I am and then and then right after that I heard Jeff Tweedy talking about doing a show with Brian Wilson and Brian Wilson was like Saying very casually like innocently. Hey, how many people you think are in here? Jeff Jeff Tweedy was like wait, I

But they're very same souls, like very artistic souls. Brian Wilson, just a fucking beautiful soul. Genius, yeah.

Yeah, they, you know, it's the highlight of my, next to my kid and my wife. And it's still going. I started it. It was right after Terry Copley and, you know, Tony Danza. And my friend was playing guitar with them. And he said, why don't you come to the show in San Diego? I'll introduce you to the guys if I can. And I'll, oh, great. I'll cheer you up. And it was at a baseball stadium, you know, Jack Murphy Stadium or something. And they said, as soon as you hear Fun, Fun, Fun, come backstage because they're going to go off for an encore. They started.

they're there for like five minutes and they'll go back on and play Barbara and then they'll leave you won't see them again okay so I got on the fun fun fun watching I got on the field I asked somebody where's then I hear these girls screaming I said oh shit what's going on over there oh fuck it's me and

And they were, like, all these 30, 40 cheerleaders start chasing me on the field. And I'm running. And like an asshole, I start running the bases like an idiot. And I'm a jumbotron in there. I got Jordache jeans on. And my hair was all feathered like a dead crow. And they're running. And I just make it backstage. The door slams. The girls are screaming, banging on the doors. And I'm like, ah, ah.

out of breath. And all five of them just turned, the whole room's silent. And they turn and look at me like, what the fuck? And I'm like, ah. They gave me a look like I was the weirdest, and they hung out with Manson. Like I was, you know. And I was like, my heroes, I finally met them. But Mike Love says, who's that? And my friend Jeff says, it's John Stamos. He's a drummer, great drummer. Oh yeah? And he's on General Hospital. He says, do girls scream for him like that all the time? And he said, yeah. He goes, get him on stage. And I got up and played Barbaran, and it was like, I

I don't know. I'm sure you've had those moments, if you would have told me moments, but more I felt like it was boom, man. I was like, fucking this. I don't...

ever want this to end it was like the best sex the name is the name of your book i if you if you would have told me i i felt that entirely i felt i felt that a number of times in my life i came up with that because one day mike love was calling me and calling me and i wasn't answering the phone i was like if you would have told me when i was a kid the first concert i ever saw with the beach boys um so and then it just went on from there the first time i played really played with them full show was in um on the 4th of july in 1985 i sort of talked about it in there where

It was a trip. I get to D.C. They do two shows on the 4th, one in Philadelphia. It was a million people. And one in D.C. that night, 750,000 people. And I get there, and my friend Jeff says, come on, we're going to go teach Jimmy what songs we're doing. I said, Jimmy who? Jimmy Page. The biggest suite I've ever seen in my life at the Watergate. And we had to go teach Jimmy Page what songs he was doing and what keys they were in.

And I get there. He has got this biggest bottle of Jack Daniels. And he offers it. And I was like, oh, no, thank you, Mr. Pete. May I have a light beer, please? And he slinks away. And my friend slinks away. And I'm in this hotel room by myself looking around. Like, what the fuck? How did I get here? If you would have told me. And there were two anvil cases on the other side of the room. And they were kind of together, but there was an opening like this. And I'll never forget it, like a tie-dyed sheet over it.

And I sit next to it, I was in this big couch, and all of a sudden, like a golf cuckoo clock, this girl pops out in between the cases, sees me, goes, "Baaah!" And I go, "Fuck!" I just back in the thing. Swear to God, and I'm like, "What?" And then Jimmy Page comes up with a light beer, and I'm like, "Did you, did you, nah man." So he sits next to me, and he says, "What song is it about?" I said, "You probably play Barbaran, that's okay." "What key is it in?" "F sharp." "I can't fucking solo in F sharp!" He's yelling at me!

What else? Help me, Rhonda. What key? I'm like, C sharp. And that was the beginning of it all.

it's been incredible, right? Well, you're, I mean, everything has been like insane. It's almost like, uh, like your first day on general hospital was when was the Rick Springfield. Did you ever get to hang out with Rick Springfield? We didn't like, you know, no, he didn't like you. Well, he, you know, as I look back, all this stuff, you kind of look back on it. Well, I get it. He was, he wanted out of there and he was a big star at the time. He didn't have, it seems like I did a little Googling. It seemed like, Hey,

Hey, by the way, shout out to Rick Springfield. I've sat next to his people at bars. I had a period where we were on the exact same tour wherever I was going, Rick Springfield was going. So he was on like five of my flights. We were always on the same flights. Was he your coach? No, no, we both sat first class. I love him. But his fame coincided with General Hospital. Sure, yeah.

I mean, I think it made him, right? I don't remember. All I know is that one of my favorite scenes in any movie ever...

is Alfred Molina in Boogie Nights when he's playing, and the Asian guy's throwing fireworks, and he's doing Smoking Crack, and he goes, Ricky Springfield, he's a friend of mine. I love that moment. That's my favorite scene in any movie. And how about God Only Knows, the usage of that in that movie, where the guy was in prison for the pedophilia stuff, and they just slowly, it was one long take, God only knows. That song is a perfect song. What song do you, if you had to have a Beach Boys song played at your funeral, what would it be?

- That's a terrible question. I don't give a fuck, I'll be dead. - Oh, I think about my funeral all the time. - You do? How are you gonna die? - I all for the fucking time. - How are you gonna die? - Late, I'm gonna be one of the last ones alive.

Like 90s? 100s maybe? I'll be 89 but everyone else will be dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be lonely. What's the guy? There's a comic, really funny guy used to do a bit on me where he said he was going to hire me to come to his funeral. Nick Swartzen. Nick Swartzen, yeah. Sweet guy, right? Wow, that's fucking crazy. What? Wow, that's crazy that I can't remember people's names that I went to college with.

But I remember in Nick's words and bit, I'm going to hire John Stamos to come to my funeral. That way, and not say a word. All he's got to do is come down and sit down. So that way the whole funeral, I was like, did you know Nick knew John Stamos? What's funny is you probably know him now. I'm sure you know him because he's friends with Jeff and Bob. And, I mean, you probably worked on something he's done. No. No? I don't think so. But I bet. So fucking funny. So fucking funny.

How do you remember bits like that? Like, you have a great memory. I mean, how do you guys remember your act? And you can get up on stage for two hours and remember everything. That would be my issue. It's identical to when someone says, like, it's just little things that remind me of the next thing. Like, are you one of those guys that works super hard on something and then you get up and it looks like you're just

making it up on the spot. Yeah, I think a lot of people would be like, he's drunk, he just kind of takes his shirt off and wings it. Dean Martin, except for the shirt part. But I think the, yeah, honestly, I think Dean Martin's kind of a little bit of a hero of mine. I bet. Because there's a casualness. You can almost write off Dean Martin as just, he's just some drunk. Right. But you forget the brilliance of it. I kind of like under-promising and over-delivering in life. I think it's a fun way to do it. And, well, it's like,

Listen, if you're Chappelle and your special comes out, I can't imagine the weight of the world has to be on his shoulders to deliver something better than he did last time. I don't think anyone expects that from me. So when I do deliver a pretty good special, people are like, that was fucking good. Like, I can't believe that's the guy that was just shirt off. That's like a great story. But you've evolved with your comedy. I think my comedy has gotten a lot better. But yeah, I am someone, I do not take specials lightly. I definitely...

put more work than I would say... Not the average Netflix comic, but the average comic seems to be putting out specials pretty quickly. I mean, people are putting out specials every 11 months right now. That's too much. Well, I won't commit... When I commit to a special with Netflix...

I already have the hour and I'll still give myself 18 months to work on the hour. That's the greats. That's what makes the greats though. I talk about that in the book too. Just giving it your all. You have to give it everything. I didn't for many years. I got by on 60%. I was like, I'm doing well. I'm better than most guys out here. I was afraid to give it my all.

Really? In everything, yeah. And now, because if you fail after giving it your all, then you're like, ah, shit, man, I don't want to face that. But now I'm like, fuck it, bring it on. If I fail, I fail. You know, who cares? At least I gave it everything. That's how I went into my marriage. I was just like, I'm going to give it everything I got. If it doesn't work, it's okay. At least I'll know how to do that, which I hadn't done before. Really? Yeah. Did you, when you say giving yourself your all in your marriage, you meant like committing everything and like being 100% honest and being like. Yes, yeah.

Interesting. Have you done that? Yeah. I only know one speed. I'm not that smart. Yes, you are. You work very hard. But I don't think Dean Martin, like, I remember talking to his daughter and said, man, your dad's so fucking cool, man. He doesn't give a shit about anything. And she says, yeah, that's great if it's not your dad, if it's, you know.

He's your dad. It's not great for him. Not to really care. Well the partying thing I know my daughters have felt the rebound of it of like people expect them to fucking party and there it is not my daughters See, they're very private But at least they had that instilled in them maybe from your wife for both of you guys to be able to go fuck you I'm not that person. Oh, they have confidence. They have sugar a company like so girl. This is I'll still to this day. This blows my mind. I'm

I remember one time we were doing Rogan and we're at like hour two. And we're all fucking high and we're all drunk and we're laughing hysterically. And Tom just goes, all right, I'm done. Take care, guys. And I go, where are you going? Like in the middle of this. By the way, not just mentioning for our careers, it's a big deal. Rogan at the time is like, it's before Spotify when everything's fucked. And no controversy. Like this is like.

Peak. Holy shit, you're catching lightning in a bottle. And Tom just does not give a fuck. That was Dean Martin. That's what he did with Jerry Lewis. After 10 years, like, I'm out. Goodbye. It's crazy what Tom does care about. I could never do that either. Yeah, what does he care about? That's really funny. He cares about his kids, I would imagine. No, he doesn't care about them. I want to finish that, and I want to ask you a question. He cares about... Money? Money.

He cares about money. What does he buy? He's got a big house. He buys everything. Watches and stuff. Oh, hardcore. What the fuck?

Are you a watch guy too? I am because of Tom. Tom got me into watches. Do you both have small penises? We have identical looking penises. You've compared them? No, we've seen them. We had them tethered together one time. Tethered? With an electric probe. Okay. We had this lady, this dominatrix came and put... No. Yeah. Like a Chinese finger? Yeah, like finger cuffs, but except it was too...

- Very small. - Little bit wristbands, but very, very tiny. Wristbands for a monkey. And then they went around our dicks and then there was a tether attached to both of them. And then she electrocuted our cocks at the same time. - No! - Yeah. - Why? - Great balls of fire. - Two bears, one cave. It was for a live show. What does Tom care about? It's interesting. - Not his balls, we know that. - He does not want to be, he does not, I'm trying to find the right-- - Does he care about being respected?

No, he doesn't really care. He doesn't care about the internet. He really doesn't care about the internet. As a matter of fact, I think he gets a jolt when the internet comes back at him. I think he enjoys that. Do you think he's talking about us right now? Probably not like this. Absolutely not. Yeah, and he doesn't give a fuck.

- Did you feel like you had to be that drunk guy like the people, you know, like what they expected from your daughters? Do you go into a bar and it's like, hey man! - There's a part of me that's, I'm trying to figure that out right now. I don't, here's my thing is that whatever is wrong with me is integral. It is part of my DNA.

And it is, I don't want people to go to sleep. I don't want people to call it quits. I want the, I'm, I'm, I have hardcore FOMO. Like if I wake up and everyone's already awake, I start going like, wait, like I really feel a panic. I want to be involved with everything. I, when I find out there's text threads I'm not on, I go, oh, I want to be on it. Like I want to be a part of the action. And that is sincerely me. And so like, I have a hard time not going to bed. I don't have a hard time going to bed. I have a hard time letting the night end.

Like, I have a hard time calling it quits on anything. And so, like, I want to be involved. Like, if Tom says, oh, I went to dinner with Ryan Sickler the other night, and they're in L.A., I go, why didn't you call me? And I know that maybe it was better that he didn't. It's probably good that the two of them caught up. But, like, I always want to be involved. But out of goodness, right? It doesn't seem like you're... Like, we're doing my cruise next week. I can't go. I don't like boats. What is it? It'd be so fucking fun. I can't wait. What are you doing? Like a boat?

- We got a four day. - Like the way Kiss does a cruise? - Yeah, I did one with the Beach Boys a couple months ago and it was pretty fun. - Oh, for real? - But you can't, you're trapped there, right? - Oh, I love it. - You do? Oh yeah, well you love being famous. - I love it. - I get it. And so, yeah, right, so you're flying to, and to take pictures, it's fast and easy. - Oh, I love it, I love it. - I got it, got it. - I love it and I-- - That's good. - And so I'm-- - But you need it, don't you? Now that's what you have to examine. - I don't know if I, that's what I'm trying to figure out right now. - Right, that's what you're saying. - I'm trying to figure that out with my drinking. - Okay. - Because I haven't had a drink in like,

73 days. Oh shit. That's great. Yeah. Well, yeah. But I mean like, but also it's, also it's not very hard for me to, to stop drinking, but it, the hardest part is to start drinking and figure out what that looks like because now I go on this cruise and I, here's the thing. I want to have a celebratory, get on a cruise ship, have a cocktail. I want to have that with my wife, but I don't know what that looks like because I've been this guy for definitely for the last,

I would say 10 years, hard, easily, maybe five years, but someone who I can't, I don't want to turn it off. And I've been able in life lately to be able to go, I'm going to bed now. I go to bed a little early in these last 73 days. I'm really blown away by how much people like going to bed. I'm stunned at how many people just want to go, I'm tired, I'm going to bed. Yeah, my wife's like, I used to be that way and I'm more like you now. I mean, I don't have to, but I just like being up because it's creative. I will sit and

sit, arm, paint, draw, write. So I don't want that to end, the creative stuff. But you like... So have you beefed up the other stuff, like pot and stuff around it? I've been smoking a fair amount of marijuana. Does your family like you better when you're not drinking? Yeah. That's one thing. Yeah, but that's not fair. They're doing it... They're saying it because I'm a lot healthier. I'm not as fat and red and bloated. Really? Yeah. I'm sorry. No. That was terrible of me. Halston, just pull up...

Fat drunk don't even do it. It's not worth it, but you're very smart. You're very together I'm right now and if I was there were times like I didn't understand when people go like I'm worried about you I thought they were just being dicks Like like Tom would always say like hey, man. You need to take some time off my break He was but like one guy said it to me and I was and he looks like shit and

And I was like, oh my God, if this guy's worried about me, does he not have mirrors? It's them worried about themselves. Then they're taking it out on you. That's what I was thinking. But I feel amazing. The other day I was sitting there in my backyard and I was doing this. And I just went,

I'm just like smiling for no reason at all like really like it was a and I caught myself smiling And I was like and like last night and I did get high but last night I took one hit of a vape pen went in my backyard to have a cigar and I had a moment of true gratitude where I was like my wife fell asleep on the couch out back the dogs were there and

And I was just saying thank you for all the little things in life. Like I was like, thanks for this yard. This is a great yard. Like not everyone gets yards. Well, to have those moments, you know, I mean, you'll find later that's what it's about. How long did it take you to quit drinking until you were cool with not drinking?

I had a lot, I had so much to lose and I was tired of it. You know, the sick and tired of being sick and tired. Like it was just enough. I wasn't 52. I was 52. Yeah. And it was like, I had, you know, it wasn't doing anything for me. Kicks keep getting harder to find. Right. And it's all you. And I didn't have a wife and kids like you do to be responsible for. I had no tent poles to say that you're an adult. I went in kicking you. I heard you talk about this too. The,

the being adult to me was like boring and square and you know but it's the uh so what's that peter pan syndrome right yeah and i i just and i didn't have to grow up everybody was taking care of i still look kind of young you know you still look amazing but thanks you look amazing do you have a skin routine where's your hand no i'm not vanity

By the way, I just realized I've read your book and so what I'm doing is I'm covering parts of your book and not letting you tell the stories. He got a handjob from fucking Vanity.

Well, when I was writing the book, like your act, I was trying to... And you know what's interesting? When I was watching you recently, I was like, this is a guy who I don't have anything in common with, but God damn it, I connected so many things that you were talking about. That's your success too. You appeal to a lot of people. And I was asking Greg earlier, I said, these guys, he's like the smart, super successful version of those country guys. What are their names? The...

Not anything against him. Zach Bryan. Get her young. Get her done and all that stuff. Larry the Cable Guy. Yeah. What was the three of the country guys or something? Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Ron White, and...

Larry Kibble guy. You sort of took that and made it your own, right? I mean, I take that as a huge compliment. Those guys are all massively successful. So, yeah. So I was... Anyway, so I could relate to stuff that... What was the point of that? So I was trying to find relatable moments in the book because I can't be all like, I'm going to play with the Beach Boys. And so, yes, the vanity thing was... But your life is...

Only relatable in that I think when I read it, when I listen to your book, I kept thinking, this is a regular person put in these crazy moments. Like you, clearly you have great genetics, but...

Having said that you talked about getting a nose job young. Yeah, and which I did not know at all Why would you and but I know but but I just always thought you were perfect your whole life And then you talk about that getting bullied you talk about your relationship with your parents You're like everything you do in your book is is yes. It was crazy events, but they happened in

For whatever reason, they happen to a very relatable dude. Yes. But those moments are, you know, being bullied, for instance. I mean, that wasn't even a word in school. No. And I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. I mean, I gave you a black eye because I heard that his girlfriend wanted to go out with me. And I wanted to dedicate the whole book to him. And they said, no, you can't. I said, I wouldn't be where I'm at because every plateau that I hit, I was like, I'm going to show that. So I'm going to get on TV. I'm going to be in the Beach Boys. And he's going to come. And my buddy girl's going to beat him up, you know.

And I, you know, I eventually got over all that. And I, it's time, you know, and I do wish I could see him again because I would think, I would say, yeah, I know. I mean, I changed his name, but I would say, you know, thank you. I mean, you really gave me this burst to succeed and show you that I was this and that. And, you know, I really thank you. And I'm going to be just good with that. You need those people in life. But then I would tell him,

I dated that girl for about three years after, and she told me you were hung like a fish. So fuck off, asshole. I hope he's listening to that son of a bitch cocksucker. I'm over it. But, you know. It's so crazy that you're an Orange County kid. Yeah. Because I just assumed you were, like, growing up, I was like, you're just so crazy.

You're like, who are the most famous Greek people we have? Neo Vardalos, you. Zach Galifianakis. Galifianakis, funny guy. Have you ever met Zach? Yeah. He's great. He's like Tom, too. He really is like Tom, but really talented. Very talented. Not that Tom's not really talented. They kind of look like each other, too. They do kind of look like each other. I would...

Yeah, but not, yeah, I went to, it was Greek day at the White House when Obama was there. And he said, Samuels, you're the most handsome Greek. I do impressions, but not that one. And I said, well, there's other Greeks. You know, I thought, there's other Greeks? You know, why?

I lost my thought. Who are the Greeks? Well, just those. That's it. We have a little Greek mafia that we, you know. Do you guys have a text thread? Yeah, we do. Giannis is. Giannis, I play him, that Panos character all the time. You know, I was just in Greece with Nia and Rita. Tom.

Tom Hanks. Oh, that's right. Rita Wilson's Greek. Yes, that's right. Yeah. Oh, is that how the Nia Vardalos thing happened? Yeah. Rita saw the play. It was a one-woman play. I did the reading of that and they didn't, and the guy that directed it, I said, why didn't they, oh, they thought you were too old. Oh, okay. Then I became friends with Nia years later. I said, why didn't you do our movies? You thought I was too old. No, we didn't. Anyway.

Nia was like the first celebrity I ever met. - Oh really? - Not met, but like that I was friends with 'cause our kids are the same age. - Was she nice? - Yeah, she was the sweetest person, her and she was married at the time, Ian. He was the greatest guy. He was a really easy hang. He was like the easiest fucking hang. And so easy you forgot he was famous also. - He was on a TV show that I did, but we were all out to dinner one night and it was Ian, Nia, Tom Hanks,

me thing. There was a couple other people, maybe from, you know, and Steven Spielberg walks over and he goes, hi everybody, hi, Ian Gomez. Oh my God. I kept, you are a brilliant. Out of all the people, he went to Ian, you know, shut up. Yeah. He, he saw him on Felicity or something. That's crazy. Did you, when did you move out here? How long ago? When I was 27,

No, when I was 26, when I first moved out here, I was 26. I moved out to do a sitcom with Will Smith. Oh, how did that happen? Moved into the Universal Sheraton. It didn't get picked up, but it was like... He was in it or producing it? Producing it. And so, yeah, and then I fell in love with LA. My very first day out here, I was in Century City, of all places. And I called my dad and I said, I think I'm going to live here for the rest of my life. What did he say? He was like, it's nice. My dad had come out here for work. I won't say what he did, but he came out here for work. It was...

Celebrity building he worked in. Yeah, he came out here for work. How did he get out of it? I don't get it. And he didn't have anything to do with the kid from, what's his name?

Ashton Kutcher's friend. Oh, no, Danny Meisters. He didn't. Because if he did, your dad's a lousy lawyer. He didn't really help there. Maybe you should cut this. I'm not making light of what he did. I don't know him. I'm not writing anyone letters. Don't worry. I don't think any of our fucking fans are going to light you up. They're going to be like, thank God he brought it up. No, I don't. Are you fans of Bert and all this? I hope you find him.

me respectful to these guys because I really, you know, I idolize you guys and what you do is, I love it. I just love stand-up comedy. Do you ever think, do you ever think, had you, I was thinking of this today, had you and Bob, I guess you knew who I was. Are you kidding? That's a weird thing. I mean, I know,

I've known who you were my all I would say probably most of my conscious life. Did you have posters of me on? No, I definitely did. You said you had Rob Lowe. No, I had the Outsiders. I had the Outsiders up. I had a weird thing. I probably did have a picture of you because I did get tiger beat as a kid. You did? Because it was one of the things. I didn't realize. I just was like I had pictures of Duran Duran up. I had pictures of surfers up. Like I didn't have. It's so funny when you're.

Because that's what I aspired to. And so I didn't really have pictures of chicks up on my wall. So I thought that was creepy. I was like, I have pictures of hot dudes up on my wall. That's not creepy. I wanted to be that. I got it. And so I had Simon LeBlanc. Was that the guy from Duran Duran? No, not even close. LeBlanc? Yeah. That guy. I wanted to be Travolta, man. He was so fucking cool. Does your dad know him? No, I don't know. He might. He might.

They're in Florida. And your dad all of a sudden came in with a lot of money? No, no. I mean, the sister went, hey, dad's finally making it. He's got a nest egg. Interesting.

He started doing something different in the sphere of law. What? I don't know. You do know. I do, but I didn't realize how private he is. I've told stories about him so much, and he's just not. I think the more famous I got, the more they've come back to him, where he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I wasn't addicted to speed.

There were diet pills, goddammit. And I quit them cold turkey. I didn't even need any help. Goddammit. And you took them too, goddammit. Remember that one Easter?

that one easter did you say he won easter i had a hard time i was tired now that's what that makes that joke so funny i'm deconstructing this thing one easter that's what makes it funny not one day not one time one easter i was like rickles was specific two bullets in the head tuesday he would say go ahead i'm sorry no when he goes when you oh one of the rickles lines that immediately when you go he went up to arty lang and went to his stuff and he goes hey ice cream how you doing in there

When I brought him in, because Howard would say that he was, that was his, you know, number one influence. That's why he got into comedy. He would watch him on the shows with his mom. Would you text with Howard? Yeah. Like you know him. Yeah, he left me a beautiful, he read the book, or he heard it like you did, but I think on regular speed. And he left me the nicest, the longest message. When he calls, I always think, oh shit, Ralph's dead. Like, you know. But he's not. He's a good, you know, he's been very good to me. But so to bring in,

I yeah I fooled him and I said I'm bringing in a girlfriend I wanted your opinion on whatever and Rickles came in but he was so it's a great conversation you should watch it on YouTube the thing I loved the most about Don Rickles honestly the thing I love the most and the thing I think I probably have the closest to him is his relationship with Newhart yeah like the fact that they went to lunch every every week they went to lunch like every fucking week yeah that's you and Tom yeah like I like that I'm friends with someone for real yeah like that we talk about like shit that

We talk about stuff. We talk about our sisters or we talk about our dads privately. There's a bunch of private stuff. There was a really hilarious fucking incident and then being with one of the funniest guys in the world and getting him to improv and then just joking back and forth about something like that. That's super valuable. Bob and I had that and Dave too. But getting back to how it would have been if Rick Goldson and Newhart had a show like this, the two of them, or what you guys do.

They would go on vacations together. We're definitely not. I don't mean to compare us to those geniuses, but that is crazy. I was going to say, what if you and Bob and Dave had a podcast? How fucking...

- Yeah, maybe. I don't know. But we would have those conversations, but they would, or text chains that you could never show anyone ever because this is wrong. A lot of it was wrong. - Oh, Bob. - Yeah, Bob was, he could be-- - I love that in your book that even the Bob I know today, the Bob I knew is the same guy that was the Bob in the rehearsal rooms at Full House.

Yeah. Like his inappropriate jokes. Oh, God. He was addicted to laughs, and he had to get it like a heroin or something. He's like Mark Norman. They're very similar dudes. The joke's always there. The joke's the most important thing to them is getting someone to laugh. That is their focus is the joke. It's their hair. And he had comedy Tourette's. He couldn't stop. That's Mark Norman. That is fucking Mark Norman. Which one is he, Mark Norman? Mark Norman.

Mark Norman's got a new special called Soup to Nuts on Netflix. It's phenomenal. He's amazing. Friends with Giannis. The whole group of guys that Giannis' whole generation is all fucking bangers. It's Giannis' turn. Giannis'. But the interesting thing about you talking about your sister, you talked about your sisters with Tom or something. Yeah.

So most of the couple, for the first few years, Bob and I didn't get along. I couldn't deal with his, it was just disruptive as fuck. And I'd come from doing a show with Jack Klugman for a couple of years and Gary Marshall and all these great, that's where I met Gary, which was a great show.

would come in. There were writers on the show. And so every scene was like, approached like story and character. Why would I say this? Why would I move there? And then I go to Full House. I try to have that. And Bob's, you know, stabbing his cock with a fork. And, you know, it's like, I hate my cock. He's just stabbing it. You know, or he would do a, da-da-da-da, you know. And it was disruptive. Yeah. At the very least. But after a year or two, we tried. We tried it. We were different guys. He had three kids. And I was a bachelor's student.

But his sister got scleroderma. Oh, that's right. He had a foundation for it. Yeah, he did. And sadly enough, his sister died and didn't get to see all the work that he did for scleroderma. Dave's sister had cancer. She died. And my sister had a brain tumor. And thank God she made it through. So all of a sudden, we weren't just three guys on a show. We connected on something much deeper, and we could put our differences aside and just work together. What did you guys talk about when you went to dinner? Poop.

Really? Yeah, they were very foul poop and inappropriate stuff. Did Dave Coulier ever... Shit his pants? No, did he ever... Were you guys ever on set and you guys heard Alanis Morissette and he's like, that song's about me.

Well, yeah, but that was so funny. Like that angry, angst-like chick who was like, I'm not starting the movie. The guy who does Bullwinkle. You know, hey, I'm Popeye and Bullwinkle was the guy in the movie theater going down on the thing. That's fucking so... He called me. Because I met her. I talked about it at a concert in Canada. And we were the Beach Boys and he brought her. And she wasn't famous. And I brought him on stage for Bob Arana. I said, oh, I'll give him some...

points i'll bring the girl and after we said these big hoop earrings and she said uh do you know anybody in la that music business i'm like no yeah well maybe i don't know anyway and it was her so he's driving he broke up with her broke her heart and uh and he's driving down and the and the song comes on the radio he's oh fuck that's atlantis and he goes and buys the album jagged little pill puts it in the cd and calls me he goes john i think i really hurt this girl

Listen to these lyrics. Those aren't about you. Yeah, they are. She sucked my dick in a movie theater. Someone else. It's the first time we saw Air Bud. That's interesting. What did we talk about? Greg, you were around. It was a lot of jokes. I would get them to fight because they're

They had those video shows, you know. And I'd say to Bob, Dave's show's getting pretty good ratings. He's got a cute host and funny. And yours isn't quite doing it. Yes, it is. And I get them fighting over whose show is, but Bob would say, fuck you, that show sucks. And I'd just slither away to the craft service and have a little turkey sandwich and watch the fireworks. When was the last time you wanted to text Bob and you went, ugh? Right now.

Right now, this isn't going well. Yeah, get me out of this guy. A lot, you know,

My son has this great sense of humor. He's closer to Bob's than mine. The other day he was like, I said, come on, let's go in the kitchen. I said, I have to take a pee first. He goes, you know, if you hold your pee in longer, the penis goes away. I'm like, oh, that's a Bob joke. The penis goes away. So I missed that. And I remember calling Bob early on and I said, I'm not connecting with this kid like I thought I would. He said, wait until he laughs at you for the first time.

And so it was that. I wish he was around for that. This is a weird question. Did you get...

Only because I know, I only know this in passing, and I could be totally off, but I know Bob was a fan of things that like, like he had Rodney's joint box. Like he had things that were kind of like commemorative of his heroes. Did you get anything of Bob's? That's a great question. That's not a weird question. Yeah, I did. I have one of his guitars. Kelly, his wife, gave me.

And I don't play it because it's my dog licked my balls, sucked my dick, you can't do anything straight with a kid around the kids. And that's what Rickles used to do. Hey, my dog licked my balls. He would do an impression. And Rickles would do an impression of, this is what he thought of Full House. He goes, hello, daddy, may I have some apples?

What the fuck does that have to do with anything? That was Full House. He didn't like that show. He said, I use that show as a nightlight. I want to talk about him. Bob, what was the question? His wife gave me his, I didn't know this, his favorite character was Jiminy Cricket. There's a statue that she gave me that was his too. It's very sad. He wanted, he didn't know how loved he was.

And when that guy died, you know, it was like the tsunami of love. I haven't, you know, since Prince has died, I'm not even being funny. Like, do you remember all the outpouring of love? That was one that I think got all of the comics caught us off guard. Yeah. Because it was like, I think it was at the Orlando Improv. Yeah. Yeah. He was, no, he was in Orlando. He had played Jacksonville the night before. Yes, and he drove. And he was, it was, you know, I'm telling you, Bert, he was.

And he kind of said something in his post. He said, I feel like a kid again, man. And he did two hours. That's the longest I've done. He took a picture of him on stage before, and he was driving home, and he was just ecstatic. And he called his wife and said, hey, I have this picture. Can you fix it up for me? And she got it. And she said, it doesn't need fixing. You look so handsome, Bob. They had a beautiful relationship. And then he went to the hotel. I like to think of him...

Coming to that hotel room after killing on stage. I mean, killing, killing. And you know that feeling. And laying his head down on the pillow and dreaming of the next time he was going to see all of us. And the laughs were still happening. And he had a smile on his face. He was such a great guy. I think he's one of those things where you don't realize how much people mean to you until they're gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he didn't know it, man. He didn't, he was, and the problem was he was never going to be, he couldn't take a compliment for real. Oh, Bobby, you were great. Yeah. Because he didn't have eight Netflix specials. He wasn't Chappelle. He wasn't these guys that, and Chappelle loved, Chappelle showed up and did a lot of stuff. I said, man, you really made Bob feel great the last few years. They were both really close with John Mayer. That's right.

That's right, yeah. But he said... I mean, I love John Mayer. I think John Mayer is amazing. Yeah, yeah. But the fact that he was close with Bob Saget puts John Mayer in a new echelon for me where I go, oh, he's...

I know he's friends with Chappelle and stuff, but the fact that him and Bob were close, I was like, he's a legit fucking dude. Yeah, he is. He loved Bob for that. Bob liked me better. And I'd like to tell John. But what was I saying? Chappelle. But he just never thought of himself as successful because he wasn't up there. And he probably was never going to get there. And that's the sad thing. He didn't know how loved he was. No fucking way. And that's what kills me.

Don, it should have been Dave. That's horrible. If we're real quiet, you can hear Bob going, yeah, you're right. Why the fuck am I up here?

Dave and, you know, him and Dave were best buddies. And then when I came around, Dave and I started to become best friends. I never realized how much that show leaned on you and Dave. Like, it sounds silly, but I just remember, you know, I didn't realize the show premise pretty much is you and Dave are raising children because Bob's working. Well, don't tell Bob that, but...

When was the last time you talked to the Olsen twins? They came out for his funeral. It was beautiful. We hadn't seen them much over the years. They went off to New York and did very well. Bob was the through line. He would always try to get us together.

But they came out for that, and they said all the things that we wanted to hear. We love you guys. We loved our childhood. We're so grateful to you. You were great to us. It was special for all of us to get that gift from them. I haven't heard from them or of them. Do you talk to them? No, I don't know them at all. I don't know them at all. Well, Ashley had a kid, which is a trip, man. The whole thing is, if you would have told me, these two little girls were going to own New York one day. It's crazy. Yeah.

They made all their money in doing straight-to-DVD movies? No, fashion. They went to New York and started a fashion line, a billion-dollar fashion line. What do they look like now? They're beautiful. I only remember them when they were like 18, where I was an adult and I was like, eh, whatever. It's like my sister. They were like everyone's little sister. And now they're fucking... Now they've got to be like 40. They've got more money than Tom. No. They're not 40. They're 30 or something.

How old are the Olsen twins in 2023? Go to that. It's already on there. It's already on there. It's already on there. It's like the first thing. How old are the Olsen twins right there? Right? No, right. You just missed it. How old? 37? Jesus.

Jesus. I'm old. That makes me old. I can't believe you're 60. You look great. I do. Do your sisters look as good as you? Yeah, they do. Really? You have two sisters? I have two sisters, yeah. I look the best. Yeah, do you? Yeah. Are they proud of you? Do they come to your shows? I don't know if they're proud of me. I think my one sister, Annie, doesn't.

It doesn't right. I don't think she I don't think it registers with her. I think she's just like yeah She's got a little bit of a stoners Sensibility and my sister Cottey is in the industry so I think what as proud as she I don't know I She runs now. I know why she doesn't like you. I don't know what she does. I know she does I know yeah, but I think she works at Disney. Oh, yeah, I think so you should know this no was Fox still around yeah, what Disney on

Disney owns Fox. She works at Disney. But I think she's so in the business that she understands how successful I'm not. What? Well, no. She deals with real celebrities. That's you. No, I'm pretty regular. You're a real guy, and you talk about real things. The fact that you can get up there for two hours and just tell stories about your life and your family, that's the gift, right?

You know, it doesn't feel like a bunch of written jokes. Would you ever think of turning your book into a one-man show? Have Rob Lowe do it? Rob, we tease each other. And he had a one-man show, and he said jokes about me in there. If there's one person, I'm going to edit his name out. If there's one person who's really jealous of your career, who do you think that person is? Tom Segura. Let me guess. Should I guess? I have the name. My whole life, I've always thought. Do you know who I'm thinking of?

There was a guy who had a great career, but he wasn't you. Me? No. You got to edit his name out because I feel bad. I never would want someone to. Was he on a TV show? Yeah. Glenn Scarpelli? No. Scott Baio? No. No, I met Scott Baio. I'm not saying anything.

I think we're members of the same country. We were friends because, oh, you two are? I think so. He likes to play golf. We were friends forever. And I said something about, they were doing a reading during COVID for some Democratic thing of Happy Days. You know, they were doing a full reading and everybody was involved. And I knew he wouldn't because it was for the Democrats and he's a Republican. So I said, hey, can I play Chachi? And he got so offended by that. Really? Ripping me apart, calling me a Marxist. I was a mother.

Yeah, I was like, I don't know. I had to look that up. Anyway, he's fine. What are you trying to tell me? No. Oh, yeah. And it is Daymount because I don't want to shit on the guy. But he was a good-looking dude and then just, I don't know, it just went south. It could be me, but for the grace of God. But why? I don't know. Did your dad have a full head of hair?

Yeah, a little bit. Was your dad a good-looking guy? Yeah, he was handsome. He was slick. He was cool, man. He was cool. He was cool. Tell the story. Tell the story. Yeah, tell the story. I don't want to...

Because I know the story, but just tell the story to people listening. Your dad was a big fan of Sinatra's and a big fan of Sammy Davis Jr. And he is the reason you became friends with Sammy Davis Jr. I'm telling your story. Sammy, he was on General Hospital. Yeah. So my dad didn't have anything to do with that. But I didn't know. No, but he said when you meet him, talk.

Talk about the drum. He said talk about playing drums. Yeah, because I didn't know. I wanted to play drums on TV and they weren't, you know, taking requests on this show. I was, you know, and so I was like, can I play drums? No, no, no. And then Sammy came on and my dad explained who he was and made me listen to the records of Frank and Sammy D. And, um,

He said, "Talk about drums." And so I said, "Mr. Davis, they won't let me play drums on the show." We had a real conversation about music and I think he saw that I got music or I understood part of his world. And he goes, he says, "Hold on, man." And he click, click, click, click, goes to the producer's booth and comes back out and he says, "Just do what I say, man." There was a scene where I was playing the host of the, I was hosting the Waterfront thing or something where it was a charity.

the emcee and i and i introduced him and then there was a full band set up because he was going to do a song and he gets up and does a few lines and he says um it's black you play drums right i'm like yeah for everyone listening your character in general hospital's name is blackie yeah thank you for clarifying you're right if people did what that you know yeah it wasn't it was weird

And you know, so he said that. Someone's in headsets. Blackie's playing drums now. Wait, who? Which one's Blackie? It's going to be John. It's John Stamos. Did he just call Sammy Black? He calls me up there and I'm just ad libbing. I'm, you want to play? Yeah. And he's playing piano. And I fell.

felt like he was really connected with me and says this kid's part of our it was like the sage passing it on to the young and he gave me this great hug and it was I played and like everyone surrounded the televisions it was a big fucking deal yeah yeah thanks to Sammy and then I saw him a few years later but no but then and then

You had the opportunity to introduce your parents to Sinatra. And your dad was a huge Sinatra. And your mom, Sinatra once tried to kiss your mom. Yeah, on their honeymoon. And they were going to see Rickles. I guess at the Sands. Keep going. I'm fucking so bad at interviewing people. Keep going. Go ahead. What do you mean you've been great? I already know the answer to the story. You've been interviewing yourself for two hours. It's good. I'm kidding. I've asked a lot of questions because I'm interested in you too. Can we be friends after this? Yeah. No. I mean, you just said you don't follow through. We can be real friends.

We're going to be real friends. I want to come see you on one of your big shows. Okay. Done.

What are we talking about? We'll cut that out, right? No, no, no. Keep it all in. Wait. No. Frank Sinatra. So my dad, you know, so I had the chance. I was dating Paul Abdul at the time, which was interesting. And my dad, I wanted to. So we went to the Pacific Amphitheater in Orange County to see Rickles and Sinatra. I didn't know Don at the time, really. But we were trying to go backstage and meet Frank. And we called and publicized it. And they said, well, Frank wants to meet you. You'll know. I don't fucking know. A smoke signal or something?

Rickles goes on intermission and this little guy Tonio come on. This is Sinatra see you now, you know, okay, sir, and we walk back and and Jilly Rizzo's there his guys guys like this And Frank comes out his cool shit man, and we take some pictures and he's I have like let's pick every picture He's bossing the camera

And it was time for a group picture. And I'm like, come on, dad. He's like, no. And he's just leaning up against the wall. And I go, that motherfucker. How cool is he? Greg knew him. Like he, it was enough to just to see his kid there and his, you know, and it was, uh, and I could see Sinatra, give him a look. And,

And he either went like, "Who the fuck do you think you are, Stamos?" Or it was like, "You are one cool motherfucker, Stamos, "'cause you don't need to be in this picture." And it was sweet. My mom, on the other hand, jumped him and almost got killed by a mafia guy. - Do you remember when you tried to kiss me? - Yeah, yes, exactly. As he's walking to the fucking stage. I'm like, "No!" Like Lucy. But it was a great, and then Rickles, and then Frank does his thing, and it was brilliant. And my dad, we both had this great moment of, "Wow, look at this genius."

Rickles comes out and he introduces the people in the audience, Tony Danza, so-and-so. I couldn't get away from him. And Stamos, he said, oh, he's probably sitting in the grass in the cheap seats. In fact, he's probably smoking grass. Sinatra grabs the mic from Rickles and says, smoke one for me, Johnny.

I said, Dad, I'm cool now, right, man? God. It was a good one. But I had a lot of really normal, relatable moments, too. I just can't think of any right now. No. All your moments your dad drove an El Camino, that's pretty relatable. Dude, El Caminos, people sleep on how great they were. I remember the first time I saw an El Camino, and I was like, shut the fuck up. So my uncle, he works in construction, but he's cool as fuck.

Well, I've got an El Camino. Florida? Yeah. He was down from Philly and he bought an El Camino.

There's wood in the back, but it was a fucking sports car. God, that was a fucking bad car. I still have it. They make them. They're really big in Australia. Oh, really? Will you tell me the Australia story? You said you weren't going to drink. Go ahead. But wait, have you been there? Australia? You're big there, right? I'm bigger than Tom, but yeah. Yeah. Tom, he tries so hard to have no audience, and yet he's...

He has, right? It's the interesting thing with him is like, I clearly want you to come see my shows. Tom does not give a fuck. Yeah.

And his act shows it. But you're like a beaten dog or something. It's like you want to, you know, you just go back to the master. Yeah, I guess. Not that you're the dog and he's the master, but kind of. Sometimes I think our relationship's like that sometimes. Does he ever just like, you're like, come on, man, I'm an adult. I know what I'm doing here. Oh, there have been so many times where I, my biggest flaw, my biggest frustration with Tom is where I go, I think you're ruining both our careers right now. And he's like, I don't care. He's,

He doesn't care. He's a business partner, and we'll have business deals that are about to go through, and then Tom will decide to go in on something, and he burns every bridge so he's standing on the island alone, and I will just go, hey, man, what are we doing here? But he doesn't care, and the thing you have to do is you –

I'm forced, and it's not my natural thing. I don't like confrontation, and I don't like alienating people. I am forced to learn from that that it's okay to burn every fucking bridge and go. Because the one thing I know is that if I burn every bridge, Tom will definitely be on my island going like, isn't it fun? But it's not. Boundaries, yes, right?

Oh, you will not overstep a boundary with Tom Segura. Right. But that's maybe something to learn. Like that motherfucker, he, you will, there's times I've said, there's people listening to this downstairs that go, I like, I will say,

do you realize to my team, if this was Tom, everyone would be fired right now. And they were like, they're like, yeah, but you're not Tom. Like I've had employees pull guns on me. Like it's like, yeah. Really? Oh yeah. But, but it was fun. It was a joke. On you? Pull the gun on you? Yeah.

Prison? Dead? No, he's just... He's downstairs? By the way, if he's watching this, he knows. He's one of my best friends. I love him to death. I wish we were still working together. I fucking love that guy. Was he in jail? No, he just... My wife took over my company. How great is that, though? That you have a wife that's sharp enough and you can trust her, obviously. Can I tell you? I wonder, did you ever have the fear of... Because I'm shocked that I'm still attracted to her.

Like, I thought I was so shallow as I was younger that I would never be able to be attracted to someone that was age appropriate. Right. That I'd always have to go and upgrade down to youth and be like, 30s is what I have sex with. Okay. And now I'm dating a married to a 50s, some, a menopausal woman, and I still find her attractive. That's beautiful, man. And I can't.

Believe it. Do you find different things that are attractive? Oh, yeah. I mean, she steps up and runs your business. That's attractive. Well, no. The least attractive part of her is her business side. Yeah, oh. But I'm sure she saves you dough. She does. I mean, she's in there with a businessman right now talking. Oh, she loves... She's the hardest worker because she comes from like...

No, no money right she grew up in trailer parks like barefoot until third grade and so like like Dolly Parton would send her Community books like that. Yeah, and so she loves working. She works her ass off She's going through this thing where it's we're rediscovering our relationship sexually and it's been Fucking Wow insane. Have you ever been with a chick? Have you ever been with a chick? No, we're we're all the sudden you're like, whoa this chicks

Fucking wild and you're like I couldn't I don't know if I could stay with this forever My wife just turned into that chick Wow and now I'm like it's it's breathed a brand new fresh air of like it's crazy because I was totally cool with it being meat and potatoes right and all sudden reading Indian food and I'm like fuck I didn't know how much I loved Indian food. Yeah, I still love meat and potatoes right? We still do meat potatoes sometimes. Yeah, how often do you guys have last night?

We had sex last night. We are having it almost every day. No kidding. Yeah, it's crazy. Today? No, but we will tonight. You scream my name right now. I will. Right as I have an orgasm. What got into you? Is it? Blackie. Whitey. That's beautiful. Yeah, I don't know. It got into her. She changed. You got into her. No, no. I was still doing this. I got to be honest with you. I was a little nervous when it started changing because I didn't trust it.

You think she's having an affair? Wait a minute. Initially, I was like, I think she might have cheated on me in Vietnam. Really? Because I was like, what happened? Why are you all of a sudden this person? I didn't understand it because she was... The best way to describe it with food, she was...

Salmon she was it's good. It was a pretty salmon. It could be dry at times It was under cooked at times, but it was a man to cook salmon and it was good for you It felt good. It tasted good. You could you could dress it up today was good clean and then one day she just fucking changed and all of a sudden

It started with like salmon sushi. We had sex in our car one night after I did a spot at our house and I went. - Recently? - Yeah, and I was like, what the fuck? Like I was like, what's going on? I didn't know what was going on. And then as she started to become more vocal about what she wanted and where she wanted to go with it, I just didn't trust it 'cause I was like, this is a trick.

Or she did something. Or she did something and she's trying to course correct. She went to Vietnam during the war? When was that? She went to Vietnam. If she's listening, she can come up and explain it for herself. Leanne, feel free. But she went to Vietnam and she just had this, I don't know what happened, but she had this conversation where she decided she was going to start dating me.

And then all of a sudden, she was like cooler. She was like, she would never get in the pool. This is very perfect. She would never get in the pool. I love getting in the pool. If I have a pool, I'm going to get my money's worth. Yeah, you got to get in the pool. I get in the pool. Can she swim? Why not? She can swim. And she loves the water. Doesn't want to get wet? No, I don't want to get wet. All of a sudden, the first change was she was getting in the hot tub every night. And she'd get in naked. Nude? Yeah. And be like, come on, let's get in the hot tub. Have a glass of wine.

which never she never was like let's have a she was always like i'm good i'm gonna have sparkling water that's just as good for me as a cocktail i'm not gonna get in the pool and get my hair wet i don't want to get my hair wet it's too cold it's cold and so like that's leanne and that's a real good example of her accent and then one night it was like i'm getting hot tub and i was like okay and then next thing you know we're having sex in a car and then next thing you know it's like

And then all of a sudden, I mean, it got to the point where we had sex on Fully Loaded. I don't know if you guys know this. We had sex in a bathroom at Fully Loaded. Why? And Javier, on our tour, and Javier told my daughters that,

They walked by and they're like, what are you doing, Javier? He's our security guard. And he's like, someone's having sex in the bathroom. And my daughters to this day are guessing it was Big J and Rachel Ardlin. And they've said to mom, you know someone had sex in the bathroom. And mom, Kimberly Ann, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I telling you this? It's great. You've told me a lot of things. Yeah, no, I...

I think your listeners will enjoy this. Have you ever had surgery? On where? Your arm. Here? Yeah. Yeah. When I was working at my dad's restaurant, I...

It's not very exciting. I'm going to give you one of these too. I should have brought more. Sex. So how are you going to handle it? Do you need help? No. Yeah. I'd love to bring you into the bedroom tonight, ladies and gentlemen, John Stamos. You don't need me, it sounds like. Just bring up the drums. Yeah. Long and hard play. Our relationship's better than it's ever been. That's beautiful, man. I'm happy for you. How long have you guys been together? A long time, right? Georgia's 19, so we're like 19 years. Wow. No, we've been together 22, but we've been married 20 years.

But what's in Vietnam? She went to Vietnam. She went to Vietnam with friends. How long ago? Like six months ago. And one of the ladies was sharing a room and the woman was like,

Was talking about a relationship and how she started dating her husband again and Leanne just was like yeah I'm gonna date my husband It's crazy because I've I've always said I've loved her more than she loves me and now all of a sudden I'm like it feels equal best great. I hope yeah, I said my wife's a Vietnam Five five six years. Yeah, we last night which so I'm leaving you know, you

getting ready for this book tour. There's a lot of stuff. I'm going to New York soon. Are you doing Stern? Uh-huh. I want to talk about you. Oh, please. I'll try to bring it up. No.

He's yeah, he was as Tom been on there No, but it all none of so one of our friends got into a fight with Stern Ari Shaffir He like called him out on Rogan. I guess Stern and Rogan don't like each other So I think our whole little group why Stern doesn't find doesn't it wouldn't be worth his time when he can get guys like you or Steven Spielberg or fucking I don't Simon. Yeah, I bet you he's not even

- But I think him and Rogan had a thing, right? Briefly or something. But you know, Howard-- - Yeah, it was over the vaccine stuff. - Last night, so she says, "We're gonna have a date night on Monday night." And we do this once in a while, surprise date nights. And we'll go to some rooftop somewhere or some exotic kind of cool restaurant, something romantic usually. One time I took her to this art thing and we got to paint on the walls, it was really sexy.

So date night. I said, great, okay, great. And I'm tired. I got a lot to do. But I said, okay, it's important that we spend date nights. And I said, what do I wear? She said, boots. Okay, I'm boots. Okay, and this outfit? Yeah, it's a good jacket or no? Maybe. And...

so we're driving up at about, she said, we gotta be there by six. I was like, okay. We're driving up in the hills somewhere and we're going, and I said, are you gonna tell me what it is? I'm surprised. She said, yeah, we're going to a Disney legend party and all the fans will be there and there's gonna be a couple Disney legends there. I'm like, what? I'm like,

How's that date night? I got to take fucking selfies for them. We get there at 6.20. We leave at 10.30. She's pissed off. I'm literally taking, you know, it's just nice people, but it's not a date night. And I'm fed up with this guy, that guy. They're all, you know, Disney, you know, they're kind of, and she gets, and it was like 10 o'clock. She's like, come on, it's time to take a tour of the house. That was about this big. I'm like, I've seen enough. Let me sit in the kitchen. And the whole way home, she's pissed at me for not, you know, you didn't want to be with me.

Wait a minute. If anybody has any issues here, I have the issue with this bullshit date night. Anyway, we woke up and she said, I'm sorry. I only meant 80% of the things I said last night. Okay, good. Knott's Berry Farm is fucking awesome. Yeah, scary. Knott's Berry Farm. Their fried chicken is the best fried chicken I've ever had. Have you been there? I've been there. So I used to have a show where I went to theme parks for a living.

I missed that one. It's called Birth Conqueror where I rode roller coasters. Are all your shows at birth in the name of them? Yeah, pretty much. Oh, that's good. Yeah. You rode roller coasters? Yeah. I hate scary roller coasters. Oh, Knott's Berry Farm's got some great ones. Yeah. Yeah.

I grew up literally 10 minutes from Knott's Berry Farm. Really? Yeah, you used to go there as a kid. Yeah. Do you take your kids to Disneyland and stuff? I don't go to Disneyland. I used to when they were kids. You want to get recognized. That's the place you go. That's the talk about going to Paramus. Oh, yeah. That's Paramus. You can't go to Disneyland anymore. I do. She wants me to go. We were just in Paris. Disney Paris. Oh, for real? Mm-hmm. And it's beautiful. And my kid...

He knows. He's a bit of a player already or whatever. He's got girls on him. That wasn't me. I wasn't like that. But Caitlyn had a lot of boyfriends apparently.

And Garcia saw it at my birthday party. He's got like four or five, Bella and Stella and Isabella. And he's looking at me like, Dad, help. I'm like, fuck you, kid. You got yourself into this. But what's that? He's five. Oh, yeah, he's five. And it's not good, but he has this one girlfriend. So we were at Disney. The first day we had this tour guide, and she was a 50-year-old nice woman. He didn't give a shit. Next day, this 30-year-old beautiful French girl is our tour guide. And I just, I can overhear him. Now,

This move, I'm married, so I can't use it, but his move is like this. So, what's my favorite color?

She starts quizzing them on his favorite shit. What's my favorite food? Pizza. And then I overhear him saying, I have this girlfriend named Bella, and she lives down the street, and she's really nice. And then the tour guide says, excuse me, I've got to go to the restroom. And she gets up. I swear to God, as soon as she gets right out of earshot, he goes, why did I tell her I had a girlfriend? Like, he had a shot at her. You know? Yeah.

But we're very, I don't know how you were with your dog, but we're very much like respect women. No means no. Like we didn't have, I just followed my dad. He was great to my mom and my sisters. Yeah. But we had those conversations with them. I thank God I don't have a boy. Really? I just have girls. I was like, stay away from fucking boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do they have boyfriends? No. Because of you? I don't know. I think, well, they just got attractive. So.

Now, what about, that's not nice. I want to talk to these poor girls because, what about Isla, who you said terrible shit about her. Oh, yeah, yeah, I've said horrible stuff. She's happy. She is? Yeah. What kind of setbacks happened there with her? Let me see them. I'm looking for. I guarantee you guys are very close and they love you. We have a shot there called Baby Walrus. A what? Baby Walrus. What?

Isla just, yeah, no. Isla is, she's great. She wants to learn the drums. I'll teach her. Oh, yeah. I'll try to undo everything you did to her. See if we get her on the phone. Build her confidence back up. I don't care if she's dyslexic. You don't have to. She's really dyslexic. You can be to play drums. The other day she was like, they're outlawing adoption in Mississippi. I said, this is abortion. She goes, oh, so they want orphans. I was like, fuck.

My face is so big when you hold it this close. This is really, I'm so grateful that you had me on here. No, you're amazing. You're amazing. I've been doing these serious podcasts the last, you know, and I just, you know, I love. What's the rest of your tour look like? You doing Giannis' in New York?

Yeah, I think, well, I mean, we just talked about it on the phone. Yeah, well, we'll do it. Yes, yes. I love that cat. There's a bunch you can do over in New York. It's a lot of books. Did you ever do books? You're like famous, famous. Like you can do a reading and people show up. You can go do Good Morning America at the Today Show. I'm doing that, doing that.

You can do Stern. You can do... Your options are... Are you Ben O'Fallon? No. Really? Yeah. You guys are so popular. No, I did Kimmel the other day. That's great. Yeah, Kimmel's great. I think you basically... I think how it works is you do...

you pick your they one of the guys picks you to do their shows um I've I've known I've known Kimmel because of Kimmel Corolla from man show for fucking ever yeah Kimmel's the sweetest guy in the world he was awesome he was awesome doing his show did not feel like it was last week what were you promoting me on the show I don't think I was promoting anything he's the best I've known him a long time too

I was always a Kimmel guy. Did you ever get to do Carson? I did, but Leno was filling in for him. Oh, for real? I did it with Rickles.

Really? I got to do a few. We were on a few shows together. Of course, I just sit there. And Kimmel. We went on Kimmel together a couple times. So when I look in my mirror and I see my face, I can see the parts I'm aging. What do you see? In you? No. I'm serious. I don't get it. Do you see any flaws? Is it ever like we hit a big laugh like this is the time to wrap it up or we just keep going? That's it for this episode, guys. No, no, no, no. I'm not done. Yeah.

so i like to do more oh well i'm not with tom because tom's like a little draining i i actually he was like is sagor gonna be there and i said i don't know i don't know and i looked at the thing and he said you know he has guests on when tom tom tom wants to he likes it better when we take good periods apart he likes to try to plan out the bits he's going to do on the show yeah tom's really scripted i thought that uh i said to him i said i don't i think it's just me and uh and and i thought

It might be easier just with two of us. - It's definitely. Oh, if you were with Tom, it would be like talking to a wall. - Really? Does he laugh at it? - No, he doesn't laugh. And he's barely listening. He's on his phones looking at prices of Porsches. And then immediately be like, "Why aren't you wearing a watch? "How come you don't get watches?" - Is his mom still around? He talked about that earlier. - Yeah, his mom is. - Is she nice? - Charo is a fucking. - Yeah, she's something. - She's awesome.

She's great. She's, I think, the majority of his material these days. She is fucking awesome. His dad was a legend. I think his sisters are fucking amazing. His last special was his best, I think. That's so funny that's not what the fans say. Well... That's so funny. I thought he was... That looks like... That is him.

Yeah, this is... I really did think that special was fantastic. Yeah, I haven't seen it. In case he's listening. I love the location he shot it in. I love that place. Where was it? The Celebrity Center in... Scientology? Was it on Hollywood? Celebrity Theater. Celebrity Theater. Celebrity Theater in Phoenix, Arizona, in the Brown. That's one of the best locations. What's your favorite place to play? Non-stadium. Like just a theater or like a comedy club? Either. Yeah.

Did you pop in to the comedy store and these kind of places? Yeah, not as much. Too big? No, no, no. Everyone does. Who's your favorite comic stand-up?

Of all time, first. Oh, all time, it's got to be. I'm a huge Kinison fan, but David Tell is my favorite comic. I love him. I think he's a genius. He's my favorite. Rickles, I loved Rickles. I loved Rickles. Did you see him live ever? No, I never met him. I met, the only one I ever met out of that generation, or not that generation, I met George Carlin once. Oh, yeah, yeah. Was he nice? He was very sweet. Smart guy.

We would go up to Vegas and see him, you know, Rickles all the time. God, he's so... I'd be at dinner with him and it would be...

you know, he would say on stage and his wife, and his wife would say, Don, you can't say that word. But he would always do it with like, uh, F, uh, uh, uh, Malmau fighter pilot or what am I? Werewolf. You know, he'd say, and his wife said, you can't say that anymore. He said, I didn't say it tonight. John, did I say it? I said, yeah, shut up. You did say it five times, Don. It was like that. It was the three of us. And he'd say, well, it's funny. It sounds funny. He said, well, it's not good. Don, you can't say it anymore. Shut up. Um, um,

And then I'd stick him with a bill and go home. I don't think he... To be honest, I mean, to be serious here for a second, like he...

He was the least racist, bigoted man on the planet. He brought it to your attention like Archie Bunker would, right? And if people were laughing at it or were offended by it, there's the racist, you're the racist. He was so full of love for everybody. He was a legend. I saw him on Letterman one time talk about Puerto Ricans stabbing each other, and it was the funny. Maria. I don't even know Maria. Yeah.

Most of the time I knew where he was going. And I was at most dinners. And he always had me sit next to him. He smelled so nice, too. I miss it. Really? He was like just an old, like a baby. Do you use cologne? No. Do I smell it? I don't use cologne. We don't need it. I've never used cologne.

I've used it. I went, when I only wore it once, that was going to Sebastian Maniscalco's show. Went to scare away. I put it on because I was like, everyone's going to have it on. Yeah, that guy. And then he, I saw him and I was like, I was like, I have a clone on. He was like, for what? I said, it was your show. He was like, I didn't think he took it as a compliment. He's funny. I would wear my dad's clone, Aramis, he would have. I'd put it on to pick up chicks and it didn't work. The last clone I wore was Obsession. Oh, yeah? Drakkar and Obsession. Oh, yeah.

Those were the fucking ones. - Wait, we were talking about Rickle. - David Tell was my favorite comic. - What were you saying about his? Oh, I would sit next to him and I knew his story, and I knew what everybody wanted to hear. Talk about when Frank went up to your table and said, "Not now, Don, I'm eating on the famous." And I'd sort of organically lean him into it. Most of the time it was great because I knew what they wanted. And other times, "Shut up, I know where I'm going." Anyway, asshole's trying to tell me a story.

But sometimes he would do something I was like where the fight would always know where he was going for the most part yeah And he had these rolodex you know do everything, but he would throw a curveball in there sometimes Why the fuck did that come from he knew? He read all the magazines like people magazine us So you walk into any restaurant, and he would see you know Susan Anton, and he would have five jokes about her really yeah, and

He was very, very sharp. All the way until the end, he was very sharp. Am I boring you? No, no, no. I just... No, no, no. I know. Yeah, he was... God, he was a fucking legend. There won't be anything like that. The way that he'd panel was so... Him, Rodney, all those guys were so...

Always in the pocket. Same with Buddy Hackett. Those guys were just... That was Jeff Ross' guys. Yeah, Jeff Ross loved Buddy Hackett. Who do you like now? Who's the up-and-comers? I don't know. It's hard to say because people are moving up so quickly. Two of the guys that last year opened for me at Red Rocks are now two of the biggest comics in the country, Mark Norman and Shane Gillis.

How was Red Rocks? Was that great? It was fucking amazing. Do you just get a book, like if you would have told me, like fucking Red Rocks and the people go nuts when you walk out and take your shirt off and things. It's crazy. I mean, it's why I love your book. If you would have told me,

I've said that so many times if you would have told me I said first time I did Red Rocks I had the crew that was working for me for Travel Channel was shooting me and I said if you would have told me I was working Red Rocks and you guys would be my crew and my sound guy John Sale said I would have been a million dollars this would never happen and I said really he goes in a million fucking years I went to Florida State I was flying to Florida State in a private jet to go to a game where they were like

It's like if you told me when I was graduating college, first of all, that I'd be on a private jet. - Did you graduate college? - Kinda, yeah. - Did you think, did you want someone better looking than Ryan Reynolds to play you in the Van Wilder thing? - I didn't. - Sorry. - No, he was, I still think he saw it. - Yeah, I do too.

If you would have told me. Right. But you know what it forces you to do is to be grateful. Oh. I think, you know. And then before I wrote this book, I'd never, I would say, I don't, I had a lot of regrets. I shouldn't have. And I wrote it and I go, I don't have any regrets because. I was thinking of that. I was wondering that. Because of this, like it would have been great to go through life without, you know, the heartbreak that I felt and losing my parents that are still with me to this day, losing Bob and, you know,

divorce, but I wouldn't have, like if I didn't straighten up the DUI and if I didn't go through some of the heartache, I wouldn't know how to be the right person for Caitlin and the right father for Billy. - That is a perfect way to end this podcast. I was thinking of that today after my polar plunge. I said, would I do things differently? Absolutely fucking not, and I would still, all the bad shit, I would go, and I was wondering that,

I was like, wonder if you would have done, like, you know, your dad, who's it, it wasn't your dad who said, no, it was Dean Martin when you went to lunch and the lady was trying to convince you to stay at General Hospital. And he's like, leave now. I was like, God, you played that perfectly. So many people didn't. The guy, who's Patch, that guy? Remember him, that guy? He never left. Yeah.

It's a golden handcuffs situation, right? I saw you on Giannis' stories on his Instagram a long time ago and I thought how fucking cool he knows John Stamos. I think I texted him.

I couldn't believe when I saw that you wanted me on the show. They said, oh, I don't know. Did they pitch me for your show? No. Ever since I saw you on Giannis', Christine was the first one. I saw you on Giannis'. I texted Giannis. I go, how do you know John Stamos? He's like, he's a great guy. I'll introduce you. And I was like, no, no, no, no. I don't want to fuck it up. You're Hollywood royalty. You have a part in all of our childhoods.

You've been around when we went and left and went to college. Every part of our lives you've been in. You can't get rid of me. And you look the fucking same. I'm honored to be on your show. I think you're such a talented guy. Now meeting you in person, you're such a kind man. I can see it in your eyes. Thank you. You're a good man, and I'm lucky to know you. I can't wait to start our friendship. I'll give you Tom's number. Do you have Tom's number? I was going to ask that.

Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.