Is Jimmy Kimmel In The Illuminati? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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100%. You know, we're in LA. There's people walking around. We just grabbed whoever we found next. Jimmy Kimmel's here. Wouldn't it be cool if we kept our podcast here? Yeah. Fucking asshole. You know, you were so lucky to get Corolla. What do you mean? He was just a great friend. And Tom is such a... He's such a selfish, tax evading... You know what I mean?

It's a legal move. You know he's voting for Trump, right? I was just talking about Carolla. When I met him, he was 30. He's about to turn 60. Wow. So now I'm almost at the point where I've literally met him days before his 30th birthday. He was like, I got to do something with my life. And he showed up at the radio station I worked at. By the way, that's old to do that.

Yeah. When you look back at life, you go 30. I mean, like I was having kids, I think. Yeah. And just to show up at a radio station and go, I'll do whatever.

And where had you met him at the station or no? I met him at the station. It was, there was a boxing match. I was involved and I was one of the fighters with another guy who worked there and they went on the air and the guy said, Hey, we need a, like a boxing trainer. And Corolla came hoping to train the other guy. And I answered the door and I said, yeah, well, yeah, let's try. And then we wound up just drinking snapples and not really training at all. But he didn't like legit can box, right? He's a, he, yeah, he was a boxing instructor. Yeah.

And that's where we met. And at the time, he had never paid a dollar of taxes. He was 30. This is so bitter.

He, at Christmas, on Christmas Eve, for whatever reason, and if you know him, it's so out of character. It makes no sense at all. He brought one gift, and it was for my mother. And he bought my mother a robe. And he was so proud of himself for buying this robe at an expensive store, not at Bed Bath & Beyond. And my mother was so...

by the robe that I was annoyed by it because it was like, all right, I bought you a fucking house. You're going on and on about this robe. And I was like, hey, see how soft that is. So wait, so wait, so wait. So like...

I, you know, I forget. I only know you guys as celebrities really honestly. That's how we prefer it. Was there when you guys were doing the man show and knowing where Adam's grooming came from, was there times where you're like, can you believe this is fucking happening to us?

Yeah, well, you said grooming. I thought of that literally because I do remember quite vividly right before the man show one night, Adam went into he went in to take a leak and he pees only in the sink and his toothbrush. I fucking love it. And more and more toothbrush was in the sink. And I was like, what are you doing? You're peeing on your own toothbrush. He's like, I'm around. I'm peeing around it.

He only pisses in the sink? He only pisses in the sink. Why? He likes it. I think he likes resting his balls on the counter. Yeah, it does feel good. That feels good. It's not that I haven't done it. I mean, let's be clear. But yeah, Adam's grooming. He doesn't believe in shampoo or soap.

He's got a theory that you never see a bald homeless person, and that's because they're not shampooing their hair. And so he doesn't do it. And he said he gave it up almost entirely until he wound up. It was like 40 days in, and he had pink eye in both eyes. And we've never laughed harder. That is gnarly, dude. Oh, yeah. There was a time when I just started comedy where...

you guys touched was fucking gold. Crank Yankers was like, Crank Yankers was so fucking hysterical. Well, thank you. Yeah, that was. And we had an extensive conversation about Windy City Heat when we were in

we were in Vegas. Windy City. Hold on. Can you deep dive that for a second for people that don't know? Well, you're missing out and you could probably still... It's on YouTube. Can you watch it on YouTube? Somebody upscaled it to 4K on YouTube. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Comedy Central. This is a movie and I won't... It doesn't do it. There's no good... Nothing can do it justice. It's like an American movie. You ever seen an American movie? It's impossible to explain. It is so beautifully...

But it was, at the time, the lowest rated movie in the history of Comedy Central. They aired it once. It was on one time. It just shows you. Do you remember how many times Comedy Central used to run their movies? Yeah. Like, Mannequin 2 would be on six times a week. I'm also thinking about how many times I've seen it. I'm like, no, it's not once. I'm literally thinking. I've put that DVD in a hundred times. I must have seen that one viewing a hundred times. Well, the thing is...

It's, I mean, it's hard to explain and I guess in a way, but it's almost like the longest prank ever recorded. I think it is. I think it must be. It's certainly the longest high profile prank ever. I mean, it's a basically one of the guys you see at 2 a.m. at the store and

And you guys convince this person. Everybody's in on it. Everybody's in on it except for the Mark Perry. Perry. Is he still alive? Oh, yeah. Doing well. He actually does a show that's on YouTube and on like Twitch or something like that.

And it's set in his apartment. And he seems to have about 400 hardcore fans who watch every episode. That's cool. And they'll pay him like $5 to swallow a pickle without biting it. And they send weird shit. They send McDonald's to his house nonstop. And he hates McDonald's. And so he gets madder and madder. And the whole thing is about getting him madder and madder. I mean, they're essentially doing what you guys did, which is just like... But the fun was they're like, you're up for amen.

massive motion picture and you're up against stars bruce willis yeah and then he gets the part and then you as the viewer follow this journey of him starring in a film and and everybody is in on it wasn't bobcat the director yeah and dane's in it yeah dane's in it plays roman polanski

Everybody's got a fake name, except for Bobcat, who actually has a fake name. But pretty much everybody has a fake name. Here's the thing. I told you. It is like a test.

of someone's humor to me that's how i feel too yeah yeah you just go like what you're thinking if they're like i don't really you're just like yes i even apply it to women like we can't be together if you don't like this oh yeah oh no for sure i did that with tears i mean literal so many tears watching that like crying thank you thank you that's yeah that was uh that was something that um

That's probably the thing that I've done, been involved with that I've seen the most times. Most of the stuff I rarely will look at. So great. If you could go back in your career, I do this sometimes. My first show was...

The competing show, I was hired after the X show. Right. We got to talk about that because I have a lot of stuff. I thought I'd never be friends with you because of that. I heard you on a podcast one time say, I have a list. I keep a list. Yeah, but I would never hold it against the talent on the show. But I will tell you that that show, the X show, which you were on, we made a pilot for ABC of the man show and they hated it.

They're like, we're never, of course, we're not going to put this on ABC. And then a bunch of cable networks. So we want to put it on. And one of them was FX. One of them was comedy central and maybe TBI. I forget what, there were a few networks interested in it, which seemed normal to us, which it wasn't normal at all. We're just a couple of fucking disc jockeys really, you know,

And we went with Comedy Central and I had a meeting with FX and they brought me in. They said, we really want this show. And I was like, you know, OK, well, we'll see. And then they said, you know what? We're going to do a show, a talk show. And they basically described the man show. So they saw the pilot and they developed this show.

to beat us to the punch because we still had to shoot 26 episodes of the show and they put it on before our show went on. And we were so mad. Not only that, we shot in the same lot, like next door. You could with the tennis ball. I used to see their cars were in front of my green room.

Then they have Mercedes. And I remember going like, and we did not have Mercedes. Yeah. Their cars were parked in front of our fucking green rooms. I will say that it was an eight year old Mercedes, but it was a Mercedes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. And yeah, we were like, and in fact, our first on our first night, our premiere, they ran an X show promo in the middle of our show. We were all like, motherfucker. They used to, you ready for cool Hollywood gossip?

Jimmy and Adam would roll in in costume to our catering and eat lunch there. Is that true? Did we do that? A hundred fucking percent. That may have been accidental. You guys rolled in, and they were like, is that Adam Carolla eating our lunch? That sounds like an Adam thing. It might have just been Adam. It definitely was Adam, and I always wrote it to both of you guys. And I was like, I want to meet them. And they're like, they're not going to like you.

But it was, if you could go back to any part in your career, because when I did the X show, I didn't realize how good I had it to have a day and date show that I could show up every day, make money. And like, I just kind of took it for granted. And then it goes away and you're like, fuck.

If you go back to any show that you've done and do genres of your current show, but like the man show radio, right when right when Kimmel came out, the period where it was like, what was like, I'm sorry if I'm talking wild, but like, what was you and Sarah and like Matt Damon was coming on? We're like, where are you at now? What's your favorite part of television?

Oh, I would have to say that the most exciting thing for me, because I was on a game show when Ben Stein's money. When Stein's money, I was about to say. Yeah. It's funny. I just was with Jon Stewart and we did a bit where I dropped him off outside of Arby's.

And I was telling him I used to shoot when Ben signs money next to this Arby's. And every day I get off the radio at K-Rock 10 a.m. I drive to Arby's. I get two roast beef sandwiches. I go to my dressing room. I devour both sandwiches. I take an hour and a half nap and then I shoot the game show for the whole rest of the day. That was my day every single day.

But for me, the coolest thing, the best thing was when we had our own office at the man show. I remember them showing us our office on the lot and I was just like, holy shit. That's official, right? You feel like you're, because you always hear about

When somebody has a deal or like an over... You know, like one of those things where they're like, they have an office on a lot. You're like, that's a legit person. It was. And it was... And we could hire pretty much whoever we wanted to. Like, they didn't care who we hired. And I'd never been in a position like that. I mean, I'd been just fired. I'd been the fucking... I was the sports guy at K-Rock in LA. You know, I was...

I'd been fired from radio station after radio station after radio station. I'd never hired anyone in my whole life. And suddenly we're like hiring 150 people. Wow. And that was that. I think that it's funny because sometimes I do look back on it and I go, I wish I could get that, have that feeling again, you know,

You do. I know it sounds cliche, but the climb is so much fun. It's like, it's so exciting. And then when you get to a certain spot, it's less so. And I wish I could have gone back and alerted myself to that. But listen,

there's no way right there's no way to fully appreciate what's happening as it's happening it's kind of like you have to look back on it you have to be a psychopath to really yeah appreciate your life yeah as it's happening it's like it's like your wife when she's 35 and you're like and then she's 53 you're like i'd love to go back to 35. i want to see what that feels like good this show is sponsored by better help comparison is the thief of joy and it's easy

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I really took it. I really fucking miss those days. You ever go back and look at like old pictures and like people like, you know, women or whatever you thought were on her tractor and like, she looks pretty good. I want to go back to all my friends' moms and see who I banged out. Cause now I'm like, they were 40. Yeah. I would fucking clean that up. Yeah. I got a short list. Who's not, who's at the top?

Guy edited out Bunny Casper. Bunny Casper was a fucking dime. Keep it in. Fuck it. Bunny Casper. Bunny Casper was a fucking dime. We would have her make us peanut butter and jellies. We were in ninth grade. And I would fucking go like, her fans were on this. She was fucking. How's her kid doing?

He's one of the richest men in Florida. Oh, that's cool. Is he really? Is he the mattress guy? No, he owned all the McDonald's in Florida. Oh. He owns all the McDonald's and just ran for mayor or something in Tampa. He's one of my best friends. Wow. He's like really doing great. Doesn't drink anymore. He's really kind of killing it in life. Yeah, Bunny's dead. Dude. Oh, Bunny's dead. Got to edit this. Clean this up a little bit. Bunnies don't live that long.

I thought you were saying buddy the whole time. It's my mom buddy. My mom buddy. She sounds gross. I had a lot of fucking hot moms. I had a fucking ton. My mom wasn't one of them, but I know what came to my house. There's a few. There's a few. There was a couple that were alarming. You were like one where you meet someone and it's in a group.

And then you see, then you're like, that's your mom. And he already knows. He's like, yes. He's heard it from everybody, you know? And then, and then mom's like a fucking smoke show. I bet Charo was a piece. No, I mean, maybe like in her. When you were in high school, I bet she was fucking hot as shit. No. You ever seen Tom's mom? Yeah. I'd still hit it. Jesus. I got some pics for you. I'll show you. I'll show you.

Also, on When Ben Sides Money, you were always fucking so quick. I feel like

You watch it and you're like, oh man, like he is just on it. Did you prep for that show? I've always wanted to ask that because you were, you just have things just ready to go. Not really. You can't really. It's, I read through the game show questions. Yeah. So I knew how to pronounce things. Uh-huh. But no, not really. Damn. You were great on that. Why are you so good?

Yeah. Because you're... So, like, you can tell when I... That's a wonderful question. I appreciate it. I don't want to run past it. But no, but, like, you're so effortlessly funny. Like, you don't look like...

well so are you guys i mean what's the answer i don't know for me the answer is almost everyone in my family's funny i think you know yeah i just happen to be the one who's on tv yeah you've always brought your family around too yeah that's pretty cool yeah my son kevin is here with me my cousin sal works on the show yeah my cousin sal is probably number one on the

on the funny list. Sal forever. He's been on the, we've seen him on the show forever. Yeah. Sal is one of these guys who he's hard to describe, but he was like selling parlay cards when he was 12, you know, in school. And he's just a guy like, if you met him, like the first eight times you meet him, you'd be like, yeah, he's pretty fun. He's right. And then the nighttime you're like, Oh, Oh yeah. He's the funniest person I've ever met. Yeah. Because he'll remember we're like, he, we'd have this quick conversation about bunny. And then, um, 11 years later, you,

You'd say something about someone and be like, but is she as hot as Bunny? Casper? And he'd be like, what the fuck? How do you remember that? It's a weird... He has this weird Rolodex where he's able to access anything at any time. I feel like I was the least funny person in my family. Of your immediate family? Yeah. Like, everyone was funnier than me. Who's the funniest? My sister, Cotty. Without a fucking doubt. Huh? Without a doubt. Does she have a beard? No, no. She...

i i don't want to i i don't want to waste time telling great stories but uh or telling story but yeah no one wants to hear a great story but it's it's people hate that keep those to yourself her first day working at fox she gets her very first day they it's screener day everyone wants their screeners so they go uh just don't worry about it just get a format email cut and paste it

send them to Tim Jews at the studio store. She's like, how do I spell that? And they're like, it's like the people, Tim Jews. So she writes a letter, cuts and pastes it, spell corrects it, sends it out to everyone in the lot, 150 people. The next day she shows up, this is her second day at Fox. And first one she gets is from Seth MacFarlane. There's only one spell check to change it to the Jew in the studio store. Yeah.

Please talk to the Jew. The Jew can help you. I can't help you, but the Jew can. She has always been the funniest fucking person. Well, that sounds more like she's careless than funny. Yeah, I was always... I think I've never been... I think I'm loud. No, that's for sure. What else?

Bliss your other qualities. Shameless. Shameless. Leanne says I cast a large wake. I cast a large wake. I think I'm energy.

You do bring a lot of energy. You know, I found out about you guys and what really got me interested in you and made me start listening is when you made the revelation or had the realization that you didn't realize that Burt was drinking a huge container of Kool-Aid. Yes. And you didn't realize that that was a bad thing.

which is just fantastic. Yeah, that's amazing. That explains our relationship so well. Yeah. Because I really was like, it was during COVID, I was trying to stay hydrated. It's really important. Everyone's like, vitamin D and Kool-Aid, or vitamin D and water. And I was so proud that you were going to go, oh, dude, you're staying hydrated. Yeah.

It is even better. It is our relationship. I remember driving to Brea with Tom one time and he goes, hey man, you burp a lot. And I went, I do? And he goes, 16 times in the last 30 minutes. And I said, really? And then I started burping. I go, God, I do burp a lot. He's like, no, it's aggressive.

And it smells, and we're in the same car. You got to roll down a window. I am oblivious. Yeah, he also, I remember one time, he took me to open for him in Sacramento, and we drove up there. And on the drive back, so like days later, we're driving back from Sacramento. And I'd be like, yeah, so where'd you go to high school? And he'd be like, whatever, this school in Tampa, and then blah, blah, blah. And he would just...

like really give you a detailed answer. How'd you start standup? I was hanging out with this guy and I went to this bar and I did this and then we moved to New York and I was working at this club and I went to the Boston Comedy Club and he would tell me this long and I'd be like, okay. And then we were just...

We're like almost back to LA. He's like, you know, you don't say much. And I go, yeah, you haven't stopped talking though. You just, you answer everything for like an hour. You don't, you don't give me like a fucking sentence. It's not ideal for a deposition. Oh, I remember at one point I'd known Tom, like I think 20 years. And I was like, you have a sister. He's like, I have two. I was like, shut the fuck up. How can we never talk about something? Yeah. By the way, that's this year. Not one time. No.

But to not know that Kool-Aid is bad for you, it's like you're not a stupid person. I mean, you do a lot of stupid stuff. Hold on. It's fucking low-calorie Kool-Aid. Just to intellectually not know that it's not good to drink that much Kool-Aid. A gallon? Now, I've had that when I was a kid. Like, when I was not a kid, but when I was in my early 20s, I used to go to this... I lived in Seattle. I would go to this bar every day after work. They had early happy hour. For sailors, you're people, right? Yeah. Yeah.

So we would go to this bar and they had salmon and chips. And I would eat this fried fish and chips, but made with salmon, which is great, by the way. And I would have they had Heineken in these like frozen glasses.

and salmon and chips. And I would have a few Heineken's and the salmon and chips every day. And I was so proud of myself that I was eating fish every day. I was like, I'm eating healthy. Deep fried every day. That's cool. And then as I always do, I would get mad at my parents for not teaching me more things. How did you not tell me? No one said anything about this. There's no talk of nutrition. I would eat a whole pound of pasta, nothing.

Without a second thought, the whole box. Wait, did you grow up in Seattle? I grew up in Vegas. That's right, Vegas. But then you moved to Seattle? One of my radio jobs was there. My first paying radio job was at a station in Seattle. Oh, shit. Yeah. And was Vegas like, everybody has like a weird take on what it must be like. Was it?

It's not as weird as most people think it would be. Like, I played Little League and, you know, I was in the marching band and shit like that. Was it a bunch of moms in fur coats with glasses doing coke going, come on, let's go, let's go, baby, let's go? Not in my... You know, most of my parents' friends were... Well, my parents didn't have friends, but most of my friends' parents were, like, dealers and... Yeah. My best friend, who's my band leader, he lived right across the street from me. His dad was a room service...

But he like his main guy was Sammy Davis Jr. and Bill Cosby. So he was friends with Sammy Davis Jr. Like they had the first big screen TV in the neighborhood because Sammy would do his run at Caesars Palace and then say, here's this projection TV and here's this Betamax and take these things home. And then my uncle Frank was a security guard at Caesars and he was

like was worked for Frank Sinatra. Uncle Frank was on the show. Uncle Frank was on the show. Yeah. And, and it was, it was like normal to us, but also we understood it wasn't normal. Yeah. And so you have this weird mix of what in that, in those days was a small town, but also big celebrities kind of coming through. You know, one thing I, I get asked this by people I grew up with, you know, all the time. And I met, but I imagine, um,

With your job, you have to have a much better answer than I've ever had, which is, have you ever been spooked in a starstruck way by anybody? Because you get so used to it, you're like...

Yeah, it's fine. But who has like shook you? Well, I will tell you like one thing that you never really get over is when a guest is strikingly beautiful. And like, I've never been good at talking to attractive woman in my life and I'm no better at it now. Yeah. So every once in a while, like,

Gal Gadot comes on the show and you're like, Jesus Christ, what am I going to collect myself? What am I going to do here? But yeah, for sure. I mean, you know, some of the people like David Letterman, for me, it's always like the first time they're on the show,

is not that good because I'm so frazzled by it. Like, I had Springsteen on and I think I talked the whole fucking time, you know. He barely said anything. But the second time is usually a lot better. How about sports-wise? Did you have sports people that freaked you out? Yeah. I mean, for me, my favorite baseball player growing up was Steve Garvey. Buddy. Yeah.

Fuck yeah, he's from Tampa. He's from Tampa, that's right. So that was a big one. Yeah, that was like... And of course, people are like, yeah, all right. Because I think for me, people ask me and I go, you know, like...

I've met actors and everything. You're kind of like, yeah, yeah. But especially a sports person that you watched as a kid. There's nothing quite like the impact of the... Because they're like superheroes when you're a kid. So when you meet... I mean, I met Icky Woods and I was like... Really? He's from UNLV. Icky Woods is a Vegas guy. And we were on a flight and I was like... I had trouble putting words together. It is funny. Like...

there's a guy who was on the UNLV running rebels basketball team that I worship these guys. Who's like a driver now. And like every once in a while, he'll, you know, pick me up or he'll drop some, somebody off at our, our show. And I'm always like,

You know, it's kind of depressing, but also it was like, I think it's a bit of a thrill for him because I get really excited to see him. Yeah. Dude, that squad was the shit. Oh, yeah. And my cousin was at UNLV at that time. Me too. Oh, yeah? So, yeah, you guys were in school together and he goes, I had a class...

with Stacey Augman because he came to class once and he sat like this with his foot on the chair, like the table in front of him. You know, people say that about the UNLV basketball team, but I think most people who I went to college with would tell you that I also went to class once. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. It's because it's UNLV, you know. Yeah, Stacey Augman, Larry Johnson. Larry Johnson. Greg Anthony. Incredible. I love those guys. Incredible. And Tark.

biting the towel. Jerry Tarkany. Yeah. It's another guy. Tark for me was a big deal. Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah. So you got to interview him and yeah, it's, there's a, you know, there are quite a few of those guys, but then the weird thing is when, when your favorite athletes are so much younger than you are. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of depressing and it also makes you feel like a fool. All the athletes we meet now, active athletes, like, I'm like, you're a kid. Like you look like a little kid, you know, like you're physically big, but you're like,

They're like 24. Yeah, it's crazy. Christian McCaffrey. Yeah. Christian McCaffrey was at our green room in one of the Super Bowl shows. I was so impressed by him.

And I was like, hey, take a picture with my wife real quick. Yeah, feel his chest. And he was like, she's like, he's a child. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's right. I shouldn't feel his chest either then, I guess. I think at any age, it's a weird thing to say. He is rock hard. He is rock hard. Oh, I got drunk and I was like, 10 grand, can I catch you in this room?

And he was like, what? I go, can I catch you? Give me 10 minutes. Do you think I can catch you and hold you down? And he leans in. He goes, buddy, there's guys who get paid millions of dollars to catch me, and they can't do it. He's like, your answer is no. I feel like you could. How big was the room? It was small. You know, I really felt the same way, too. I feel like I got that Cinderella story energy. You can't run out of bounds in a room, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

That's right. Lock the door. You're going to catch him. You'll get him eventually. Yeah, you hold him down and touch him. Maybe he'll not be so hard next time you see him. With big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store and your first month's bill, the price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets. With Mint Mobile, you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again. When Mint Mobile says $15 a month,

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But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon, spend less, smile more. What do you think those glutes are like? Dude, his, I would love, like, I would roofie our athletes.

Just to look at their bodies. You ever met T.O.? Oh, yeah. Dude, his back. It's like a deformity. He's got lats that protrude like fucking hard dicks on the back of his. I mean, it's fucking massive. It's like there's other dicks on him. Yeah. He's kind of a hog. Yeah, I think I presented with him at the ESPYs once. Really? Yeah, and we decided, well, I decided that we were going to wear the same outfit.

and uh because you know he was dressed very flashy and so we needed to know what his outfit would be so i could match his outfit and he just wouldn't tell us until about nine minutes before the show we finally had to go to his hotel room go let us see your fucking clothes already we did um it was bert's pilot i was a writer on the pilot for comedy central and uh he was the guest he was like the lead guest

And the girl was British. Layla Cayley. And she was doing the intro. So, you know, whatever. All pro receiver. And she goes, Terrell Owens. And he's like, nah. So we're in the back. And he's like, what? And he's like, it's Terrell. And we're like, oh, okay. So everyone had clapped. He's like, do it again. So she does it again. Terrell Owens.

The second time. And we're like, ah, fuck. And he's like, you got one more shot at this. So then she does it right the third time. And we still had people on staff like walking in the halls like, hey, um,

I want to get this over to Terrell. I was like, did you not just fucking watch the last few minutes? If you say Terrell, he's leaving. Say Terrell. And they were like, that's not Terrell. So they were still debating how to say his name. I go, he just fucking threatened to walk off the show. But it's an unusual. It's not a Hasan Minhaj kind of scenario where he said it wrong also. Yeah.

Just for the fucking record, Hasan Minhaj said his name incorrectly for a long time. I'm still calling him Hasan Minhaj. It's Hasan Minhaj. I know. He's told me a couple times this week. This week, I said it on stage. I can't stop saying it. I'm remembering now presenting with Terrell Owens at

that SB show and we had, you know, we had some script plan. We had some thing planned that we're going to do. And he decided he had hidden his new autobiography in his clothes. And he decided in the middle of our bit, he's going to pull out his book and plug his book.

which he didn't bother to tell me about and it totally fucked up our thing so he pulls out his book and he's like this is my new book or whatever i said there's some really um erotic gay stuff in there and he was saying everybody laughed and he was pissed off at me but i was more pissed off at him for fucking our bit yeah screwing it up on you yeah but do you get nervous for stuff anymore

You know, it's weird. Like, I'm not nervous at the Oscars. Really? At all? Oh, wow. But if I had to give a toast at somebody's birthday party, I would be very nervous. Do you over-prepare for the Oscars? Because that feels like a high-pressure... Yeah, I do. I do.

Yeah, I'm so prepared that I'm not worried at all. And what's the I mean, is that the key to it? Because it feels like whenever you see people doing things in the you know, it's in the comedy realm, right? You're presenting your hosting, you know, people go like, oh, would you want to do that? I was like, fucking no way. But there's got to be like having done it. What would you advise someone to do who's going to do it?

Well, it's kind of a formula that I think I figured out from doing a lot of award shows. Like I hosted the American Music Awards five times. I hosted the ESPYs with LeBron once. I hosted the Emmys a few times. I hosted a bunch of shit. So I kind of figured it out. And it's just like, it's basically 10 minutes at the top and then six other bits throughout the show. And then you have to leave some room for...

or commenting on what's going on in the show. And if you can, you guys know, like if you can mix, like if you can come, you come out and, you know, on stage and you refer to, especially, this is actually a great, I think, bit

bit of advice for a talk show guest. If you come out and you talk about something that just happened, something maybe that was in the monologue or the previous guest, the audience thinks everything is completely off the cuff. Yeah. They, it just, right. None of this is, yeah, it's like, Oh, he's just riffing, you know? Yeah.

And I figured that out once when I was on Letterman and they had stupid Petricks and the dog bit Letterman on the face. And Dave was bleeding during my segment. His face was bleeding, which is not a usual thing on the show. And I did something about how

I wanted to have that animal destroyed and whatever. And I pulled a wrinkled, crumpled tissue out of my pocket for Dave's face. That wasn't actually a joke. I just wanted to touch up the blood, but Dave didn't want my tissue on his face. And then I realized like, oh, all these jokes really work. You know, you plan out the stuff when you're doing a talk show like that, especially Letterman. And they just felt natural. You're like your shows like Letterman, in my opinion.

Conan was like Letterman a little bit too in that Letterman, when I did Letterman, they were like, you got two minutes with him. We don't know what he's going to say. So like the, even the pre-interview, which you give a ton of, he's got it all, but he goes up and he decides where it goes. Right. Which, which makes it so much more fucking fun. It's, it's like, it's like, uh,

You know where you could go, but it's not going to go there. You know what I mean? And I think that's what's fun. I know that's what I enjoy about doing your show. Well, thank you. I think for me, I do... If there's material, I want to know what it is so I don't step on your punchline. That's the thing. Because I know sometimes...

you feel like a story might be over and it's not over and I might move on to the next thing and I don't want to fuck somebody up in that regard. So that's always in my head. That's the only reason I want to know. I'd prefer not to know anything, you know, best case scenario, but because I want to make sure the guests understand

tells their stories and gets their laughs that I want to know what the end is. Were the other hosts cool to you when you got the show? No, I'll answer that. I remember it was my favorite story. I tell the story to everyone in Hollywood. The thing that made Jimmy special was that your premiere got 3 million viewers that night, but it was 3 million viewers that no one else had. No one's numbers changed. He brought a brand new 3 million people to the show that were not watching fucking television.

And all of a sudden you like raise the bar. And then as his ratings grew and 3 million is probably just the number I have in my head. But as your ratings grew, no one's numbers were changing and he was bringing brand new people to the fucking show. And it pissed, it didn't piss Letterman off. Right? Right. It didn't piss Letterman off, but it pissed other people off.

Well, yeah, I had a whole thing with Leno during that time. You don't remember it? Especially guest-wise. I remember you doing... Didn't you do the makeup? Did you do a Leno impression, too? I did, yeah. When Leno was...

I did a couple once when they had the OJ trial. I don't know if you remember Leno testified in the OJ. No, Michael Jackson. Sorry, not OJ. Michael Jackson trial. And he had a reenactment of the trial every day because and by the way, I don't know why nobody's doing this with the Trump trial right now. But every day they'd have the trial. And the next day he would take the whole script from the trial. And they had actors playing every part. Right.

and then you'd get to watch the Michael Jackson trial. Well, I knew Leno was coming up. I knew he was going to be part of the... He's going to be called to the stand. I said, let me play Leno. And so I played Leno. But yeah, I did it after the Conan thing. I played Leno one night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the cool thing about you, though, is that

I'm an asshole. No, but when everyone was buttoned up, you had your opinion. Like everyone was buttoned up and you were the one guy that came out. Well, I had no choice really. I mean, the truth is I was just like, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I'd never done stand up in my life.

I'd always been with another guy, always with Adam or with Ben Stein, running through or just doing sports shit on Fox. And I just had no choice. I just kind of had to figure it out. But if you do look back at those shows, they're absolutely terrible. I mean, there's nothing good about them. If I get two good laughs in the course of an hour, I'd be like, we had a pretty good show tonight. Yeah.

Yeah, but that show was wild when you started. It was crazy. It was wild. There was a fun, that part of it was fun, but it was so inconsistent. And also sometimes, I think people tend to remember, even watching Johnny Carson. What do you remember? You remember the guy throwing the hatchet, and you remember the highlights you remember? But you don't remember that horrible Wednesday night.

When you had, you know, like the host of Are You Hot or Not on. And Lorenzo Lamas is your fucking lead guest. And, you know, I didn't even write the monologue. I just went out there and just talked about stuff. I don't know why I thought that was a good idea. And the show was live, too. So there was no editing. That's right. If something went badly, it went badly. That was it. I was at a taping of your show when...

The Roots were a musical guest. And so this is obviously like way before they're, they're not like, they're known, but they weren't like, not everybody knew The Roots. Right. And they were, I remember like Questlove had a camcorder, like a little, he was like recording everything, you know, like they were like,

so excited to be there because I had like some paths where I could like stand and watch them. I thought that was so cool to see them excited to be there. Yeah. Well, they were, they were in the minority for sure. A lot of the celebrities didn't know who I was and didn't know why they were there. And we also used to have a guest host, a guest host. I remember that.

And sometimes the guest host was much more famous than I was. And the celebrities wouldn't even talk to me. My own guests would get in a conversation with the guest host. And I'd be kind of like, they felt like a party, you know, where I'd just be standing in the corner quietly while they had a conversation. That's hilarious. But you had a bar that everyone went to. Yeah, we still have the bar. The bar is kind of... But no one parties there. Like, I got to do... I did your show.

I couldn't even tell you what year it was, but it had to be before I had kids. It was before I had kids. It would be 2003 or 2002. I did stand up on your show. I murdered.

I fucking murdered. I did such a good set. I did such a good set and then went back to that bar and drank pretty much by myself. Like everyone was back there, but I was like fucking so excited. Just go, go, go. I was dating Leanne, I think at the time. Yeah. And yeah, were you there? Yeah, you went to the show and that back bar was so fucking cool. That was our first year probably because we went on in 2003. Yeah, it had to be 2003 because Isla was born, Georgia was born in 2004.

Yeah, that bar was... Plus, you know, we do the show at 4.30 now, so it's different. It's 5.30 when the show's over. It's like, the bar, though, we did the show then from 9 to 10 p.m. every night. And it was, every single night, there was a party going on. And, you know, I was like...

I'm like, fuck, I got two kids. I got to figure out what the fuck we're going to do the next day. Oftentimes, we had no guests the next day. And everybody, my whole staff was just raging every night. And I would inevitably arrive at the show the next morning, and there was nary a car in the parking lot. And I would get so mad. I'm like, why the fuck am I the only one working here? Do you remember when Ralphie fell down your stairs? Oh, boy. Do you ever see that, Tom?

Yeah, I did. And then he claimed he did it on purpose, which is just no way that that's true. And then we hooked him up to a lie detector test. Or no, we hooked him up to a pie detector test.

We hooked him up to a lie detector test and we kind of went along with it because we started feeling bad for him because he was, you know, the idea that he, Ralphie May, what did Ralphie weigh? 225, 230. 230. It varied.

It varied. 2.30, I'm up 4.30. At one point, he got over 6. Ralphie May was on your show after last comic standing. Do not put the camera on me on this, okay? He was on, and Jimmy goes, Ralphie, how did you lose? And Ralphie goes, you know, hey. Do you remember that? Yes. I'm fucking, hey. I was like, what the?

Ralphie and Jeff Ross, you know, were really tight. And I got, I was up in Montreal one year for Jeff's roast battle. I was one of the judges on Jeff's roast battle and Jeff, you know, we would pick who won and Jeff ruled against Ralphie. He picked the other comic and,

And I don't think they ever spoke again. Ralphie was so mad at Jeff. We were there. Oh, you guys were there. It was when we met Jimmy Carr. Yeah. Jimmy Carr was one of the other guys. Jimmy Carr murdered. He's one of the guys. But he went up against Mike Lawrence. And you know what? Oh, that's when Mike eviscerated him. He goes, yeah. I picked Mike, and Jimmy Carr was very upset with me. But I didn't pick him because he was reading from a clipboard, and I feel that's unacceptable. I remember you saying that. Wait, who was reading from the clipboard? Jimmy Carr. Yeah. Oh.

Oh, and Jimmy was mad at you for doing that. Yeah, yeah. He was upset with me for picking the other guy, Mike, who was very funny and was not reading from a clipboard. And so, yeah, Mike, there's video of the Mike...

Ralphie went, oh yeah, that was bad. You remember? Gosh, you guys remember that? I remember weird things. It went and somehow my cousin Sal got in the middle of it and it was a drama that went on and we thought it was going to be over the next day and then it wasn't and it wasn't over for weeks and months and it was a whole fucking thing. God, I remember that. I remember hanging with Ralphie that night. It was rough because Ralphie was mad. Well, Ralphie didn't prepare. He thought he'd just go up and yo mama him and he'd know that Mike Lawrence...

The one joke Mike Lawrence had was like, wait, that was at that though. Yes. That's what it was at. You know, Seth Rogen was the, it was the judges and Seth and I are walking to the stage and just, he just hands me, he's smoking a joint of course. And he hands me a joint and I just, just, just out of reflex hit it a couple of times. And then I was like,

oh shit we're about to go on the we're about to do the show and you know that's not something i do yeah i was like i was so paranoid like i gotta fucking keep it together because you know seth is smoking some serious weed yeah and i was for the first 40 minutes i was fully panicked that everyone knew i was high yeah yeah no that that's what i can't do i've done it before i've done sets high that are

actual nightmares that will wake me up. Yeah. Like I can't do it. Me neither. And the whole time like I, you know, you hear like a cup move, like a glass on the table and you're like, what was that? I can't, I can't perform like that. But I remember that Ralphie was like in that, in that battle was like, yeah, he switched once, once he got like lit up

with like a really good one he was like you so gay you look like you just suck dick all day whatever right and it wasn't like a crafted you know joke and then and then mike had another one ready like another

brutal one ready and it just got it went Mike killed him and I don't remember exactly what his angle was but it wasn't fat and that's what really killed him it was about his divorce it was about his divorce it was about his divorce about his wife leaving him it was about his divorce god Jesus Christ you got a 500 pound man you don't even mention that he's fat

It was brutal. If anyone can find that set. Oh, you can find it. It is so brutal. There's a joke he has about his ring. I forget what it is about taking his... Couldn't take his ring off his finger or something. It was brutal. Was it an onion ring? I don't know.

I'm so bad at those. How was the roast experience for you guys? Fucking terrifying. Was it? Yeah. I got fuck face sitting next to me going, we're about to bomb. We're about to bomb. We're going to get a dick. We're going to fucking do this. She stole it. She stole it.

Everyone was terrified. You know, I woke up the next morning and then I got a bunch of videos of people making fun of me reading people's prompter, which I go, which I go, it is funny. Then there's a part of me that goes, I wish I was cooler. I wish I hadn't done that. But then there's a part of you going, okay, I'm just a fucking comic.

Like, do you still get that where you go, yeah, I get it, I get it? Do you know what I mean? I mean, I have to say, it's rare that I feel, like, wounded by something that I see online. But the last time I felt very wounded was after I went to your guy's show and you guys posted some pictures with me and all your fans fucking hate me. No. That's just...

You, I'm sure you noticed. I mean, it was so overwhelming. I definitely noticed. You must have noticed. I said, Tom, have you posted your pictures yet? I take the ones at Kimmel out. That would probably be wise. There's just, there's this like, you know, group amongst fans that are always the loudest. Yeah, I know. It's only like 95, 98%. Yeah, yeah. But they're, but they always, you know, the people...

Well, there's an idea, I think, that somehow I betrayed this group of men in comedy. Somehow I was the man. But I was always exactly like this. Exactly. Always. The content of the show was different. That hate that goes your way is because...

you like stood up for like healthcare. Like they're just mad that you actually used your platform for something good that offends them. I don't know if it's that. I think it's, I think it is, yeah,

You've busted Trump's balls. Yeah, I think, well, that's part of it. But, you know, I think they, you know, usually people like busting balls in general, whatever it is. But I think what it is, is there's this idea that I somehow made an adjustment in order to be part of Hollywood or something. Yeah. Which is just really not true. And also that I have some kind of some level of like,

political correctness. And, well, obviously there are things I care about and whatever, but when it comes to comedy, I don't care what anybody does. I mean, I don't care. I have never criticized another comic for what they... Never, never. But you think they...

that the, the, that hatred for you is Illuminati based like that you have, they think I'm in the Illuminati. Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't think it's even that deep. I don't think, I think there's a pretty small percentage of people that actually believe there is an Illuminati. And if there is, I would love to be a part of it. I really would. There is. And they are black. They believe like if you seen, did you see, I did, I don't know if you've seen that. I did a clip where I had, um, it went completely viral. I was, I had Duncan Trussell on.

and we were talking about all this like you know behind the scenes hollywood stuff and i just very genuinely genuinely said you know to get my first special i didn't have to do anything sexual but i had to let a man perform oral sex on me and you know and then he took me to a red room and and duncan's like red room red it's always a red room and then and i talk about how you know and then i got a commercial agent i got a special and you know it was just like this

Slightly sexual experience, but I didn't feel violated by it. And then he talks about how he had a dog ejaculate in his mouth. And then that's how he got his show. And dude, Black Instagram ran wild with it. They reposted it a hundred thousand times. They were just like, this is how dark Hollywood is.

So if they thought that I did that and they see your career, they know you're doing that. Well, in a way, it's kind of a compliment. Like the idea that somebody would give me a show or anything really because they wanted to suck my dick so badly. Yeah.

It's inherently preposterous. You know what's crazy? Every celebrity I've ever met, I thought wanted to suck my dick. Elliot Gould, Jay Moore, every fucking... Will Smith. Every time I was like, all right, there's something gay going on here. You want to go out to dinner? Especially Elliot Gould. I thought he didn't kiss me. At the end of the night, we went to seafood down in Venice and he was like, well, it was a great dinner. And I was like, oh, here we go.

And he just left. And I was like, what the fuck? I was blown away by two things. He didn't kiss me. And I drove a more expensive car than he did. And I was like, God damn it. Like, what's wrong with my... But with Will, you definitely thought something gay. I thought Will wanted to fuck me. Yeah. Well, he probably did. I mean, who doesn't? Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you. You were younger. Yeah, I was good looking. That was like my prize fighting days. Yeah. There is a thing where people want... They almost want...

to isolate you've changed you know like you've changed yeah i remember there was a great comic of it was tosh i think they're like people think i've changed yeah i have changed and i'm better and he's like and i and i never liked who i was before and i and now i'm getting better and i like this guy but like that's a great angle for him too oh so yeah but it's if they want to like they want they want i don't know it's a weird thing i don't yeah i don't know you can't here's the thing though you can't

go forward in any way in life going like i hope that everybody is cool with every step and choice that i make right now you know like yeah you're not gonna please them no the people that are really upset that you've changed like okay let them be you can't find them and kill them you can yeah i mean if you're with the illuminati people where yeah that's true the three of us i would love to kill people like if you could just be like if you if we could get hollywood to be back old school hollywood

where you call this guy and this italian guy comes in his name's dicky and he's like so who do you need that and you're like well here it is i'll be great show him a list of names what era in hollywood would you have liked to live in the most because you got this period at the highest level yeah this is kind of the worst one right uh i would argue probably 60s right 60s yeah 70 60 70 silent films

I would have been so good. I'm good at eyes. In like a barrel going over a waterfall or something. And I'm just dumb enough to take the role. The house is going to fall over me. Okay, yeah, sure. What are the odds?

Yeah, I think to see, I don't know, 60s and 70s, that seems like, that seems like the time where people, you know, it really comes down to is that all the, like, journalists looked the other way at that time. Yeah, yeah. That's really what it was, right? They were cool. They were cool. Yeah, they were like, yeah, okay, yeah, do whatever. Even baseball players, like, you know, athletes and whatever, like, in those days, like,

if something got out like with Garvey like when Garvey like they had he had he got two women pregnant at the same time and he was you know now it's just like only two you know yeah yeah but at the time it was a national it was like a Johnny Carson joke every night people were driving around with bumper stickers that said Steve Garvey is my father you know and like it was like such a yeah such a big thing and now it's just complete madness isn't it crazy too what it took

then for something to go national, like for it to be something that everyone knew, it really had to get legs. Whereas now, like, you know, everything, you can get lost. Like, I don't know. I don't know whatever joke people are making or the bit about this. It passes you over. A couple of days go by. If you were on vacation, you're like, I don't even know what this is.

Yeah, you know, like right now, the governor of South Dakota, Kristi Noem, in her autobiography, tells a story about shooting her 14-month-old puppy in a gravel pit. And I guess it was supposed to show what a frontier woman she is. Can make tough decisions. Every night, I've been talking about this for like five nights in a row. Every night, I feel like half the audience thinks I'm making this story up. And like, you guys really don't know this fucking story yet? Yeah.

Like, I mean, I get that most people are not following this stuff, but this one's risen above, you know, into the ether, you know? Think of, so we know what viability looks like now, right? How the fuck did Richard Gere happen?

What do you mean? Richard Gere. It was known. Oh, the gerbil thing? You don't even... Yeah, and no internet. No internet. We're talking grade schools, middle schools, high schools, colleges. And can I tell you what made me... One night I got really high and I did some research. So when that story was going around, he had a kid. Most young people probably don't even know. So tell what that rumor was. It was rumored that Richard Gere had to go to the hospital because he had a gerbil stuck in his ass.

This is something that everybody said. And Rod Stewart had to have his stomach pumped because it was full of horse cum. Those are real. I remember where I was when I heard that. I was on North Boulevard driving by our old fucking house and they were like, you know, that happened. I was like, shut the fuck up. I remember like a pound of horse cum. Is that what one horse puts out? But here's the crazy thing. Richard Gere had a kid who clearly

Clearly, he was in a kindergarten. Were you sure they had a gerbil? And we'd all been there. Yeah. You know, every weekend, another family's got to take care of the gerbil. Running around in the middle. And you know that they were like, ah, let's not go to the gear house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he had to sit and say to his son one day, everyone thinks I put gerbils up my asshole. But it was so... That fucking kills me. I've heard he does not have a sense of humor about that. I don't know that to be true, but I've heard that it's not something you should bring up. He didn't seem like the best sense of humor. No, maybe not. Yeah.

That would sting. He did nothing. Yeah, and it just hits you like that. Yeah, that's a tough one. Because you probably go, I'll just not comment. I'll ignore it. Yeah, and it'll go away. And it never does. Tom Cruise is gay. And everyone thinks it.

that was a thing for a long time. That was a fucking thing. Yeah. And then when you don't address it, everyone's like, well, it's fucking. And those were internet. Those were before the internet. That's insane to me. How did that get playground virality? That's what that was. That was playground stuff. Even just like jokes, like certain jokes, like everybody knew, like how did those, you know, get around? I guess it's just like uncle spreading them on

amongst children and then... So you're saying our uncles were just trolls? Yeah, pretty much. They were just fucking... They were grassroot trolls? Well, and to see clips, like viral clips, it was...

tapes passed around, right? Like the faces of death. How about the jerky boys? Yeah. That was like viral. Like, but you actually have to make a copy of it and give it to somebody. Incredible stuff. There was this video of this, um, pre this televangelist farting. I remember that. Yes. It was like perfectly synced up with his expressions.

Yeah, right. Squeezing them out. And it was brilliant because it would change farts. It wasn't the same. It was like the consistency of the fart would change on his expressions. I had a beautifully clean copy of that because I think it was made in Seattle and I had it from somebody who was working at the TV station where they made it. And I had to make so many copies of that fucking video for people. It was amazing. The farting preacher. Yeah, the farting preacher. I thought about him for a long time. I remember watching Pam and Tommy on tape.

Yeah. Doing what? Just reading out loud. Great Gatsby.

I remember I was told I'm really bad at meeting celebrities. I think I said, that's what I said to Tommy in front of his new wife. So I remember watching Fuck Pam and he was like, you know what I remember from that tape? Him steering the boat with his dick. Yes. That was, you know, that's, that's a dream. Yeah. I mean, first of all, to own a boat. Can I tell you what's going on? Hold on. Hold on. Can I tell you what's even, what's even, I ended up talking to Tommy about this in front of his new wife. Do you know they were on the ocean?

They were? I thought they were in a lake the whole time. Oh. I thought they were in Mexico. Yeah, they were in the ocean. In the Gulf? And it's funny how your imagination, I was like, oh, they're in Lake Havasu. Right. They weren't. They were in the ocean. I don't know why that fucking, stuff like that fucking. They're ocean fuckers. Yeah. God. She is still fucking hot. Yeah. It's great. Beautiful. So is he. Yeah. He even looks better.

He's had a cool career. Like, when you look at him, he's had like nine rebirths. Every time there was a time to get a rebirth, MTV Cribs, Tommy shows up. Fucking that guy is really fucking impressive. You know what I think about with guys like him and like Snoop, though, is that you remind yourself, you're like, oh, yeah, you got famous at like 20. Yeah, right. And so your entire adult life has been this. It's kind of nuts. Wait, how old were you when you got famous? You know what I mean? Like,

I was, well, I was like 27. When I was on When Bits Signs Money, I wasn't famous. Like maybe somebody recognized me once a month or something. So I was about 30, I think. God damn it. Do you spend money on anything? Don't tell my wife. I have a lot of girlfriends. That's nice. Fucking would love.

That's expensive though, right? Yeah. Oh yeah. Ooh, yes. No, I don't know that this is true, but I heard that Bob Hope, you know, who owned a ton of real estate in like Toluca Lake and Burbank and these spots, he would have like, he just have houses that his girlfriends would live in within golf cart range of his actual house where his wife, Dolores, Dolores was his wife.

She looked like Barbara Bush, you know? And he would just drive his golf cart, like as if he's had, and he would, you know, stop by one of his, he had like a neighborhood of girlfriends. Amazing. Fuck yes. That's the era we want to go back to. That's the era I want to go back to. Whatever year that was. Yes. That's the era. God damn it. How fucking cool is that? That's fucking great. I think 60s, 70s, which was what we said. You know, that's the time. I think that's probably around when it was. I would pay to see a Bob Hope sex tape.

Hey, suck this dick, bitch. You ever see naked Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin naked together?

Nope. Oh, yeah. There's a picture of the two of them. It's like a professional photograph. Oh, you're going to pull it up on the screen. Great. Yeah, naked Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin. And, oh, it's great. They have big dicks and everything. Really? Yeah. For real? Yeah. You're going to love it. This is going to bum me out. You have your safe search on. The top ones. The top ones. Your fucking safe search off. God damn it. This is why women should never work with internet companies. That's got to be the picture.

Yeah, there it is. Okay, there you go. Lloyd's, look at that. Oh. Look, there's Dean Martin's dick. Dean Martin had a fucking hog. And Jerry's gripping his. Yeah. They're showering together. You want to do that picture? Yep. That was 1952. That's our year, guys. That's our year. That's Hollywood. 52. Who's holding theirs? Me or you? You hold yours. I want to show everyone my dick. Maybe hold each other's would be nice. You don't want to do it exactly the same. I've already done that. Yeah.

We've taken, it would be cool. I'm glad I can introduce you guys to that picture. That's pretty cool. For sure, you're going to know about it. God damn it. Best comedy duos ever. I mean, look at that. That's pretty good. Farley and Spade. Right? Fucking amazing. Sandler never had a partner-partner.

true it would have been cool if he did but he never had a partner partner you don't think of drew barrymore as his comedy partner no no um it was great when um prior and what's his name they weren't like gene wilder when they did movies yeah they were great together great together i love what about seen one of those in a long time so crazy yeah

when math math out did uh jack lemon walter math though yeah that was great dirty old man is that or dirty old man grumpy old grumpy old man yeah why they should do a porn dirty old man they've done that oh yeah yeah grumpy old man was such a great fucking will you guys name yourselves or are we just you're waiting for me to do that how's no no you keep going where we're at living you guys oh jim you don't have to say that please come on what's your favorite part about our dynamic

I like the mix of nonsense and introspection that goes on. But also, it's delivered all in the same... It's kind of all the same level. Very somewhat quiet. Like, I was listening to you guys talk about some weird lady you follow on. Cat Paws. Cat Paws. And then you were talking about... Fuck, did you block me?

You're talking about Gerard Carmichael. Oh, see if she blocked you. Oh, fuck. This will kill me. I watch that Gerard Carmichael show and I feel the same way about it. It's like it's a little startling to see two men just openly like making out. Yeah. And I feel like it would even be startling if like you saw some guy on Tinder and then some woman shows up and they just start making out also. Like it's like

It's just very strange. But I also think maybe you got, I don't know if maybe Bert, you misunderstood because I think that Tyler, the creator is actually playing a role in that show. And we're supposed to be confused as to whether he's being himself and they actually have some sexual relationship for real. Yeah. I think that's a scripted part of the show.

That's what I think based on my conversation with Gerard, which

which was on TV, so I'm not 100% sure. But I think that's the only part of the show, and I think he wants you to not know what parts of the show are real and what aren't. Was the toe-sucking one scripted? I think that was unscripted, the toe-sucking. That was aggressive. I don't even do that to women. I have. If that's scripted, that's really brilliant. Yeah, I think it was. If that's scripted, that's really brilliant.

I think so, but I'm not 100% sure. Cat Paws didn't block me. She already has me blocked. Yeah, I know that. And she has everybody in our office blocked.

So, I mean, look, that can happen for a number of reasons. You're the only way she likes. But you also, she must know that you could just make up a fake name and you will follow her anyway, right? But yeah, but that's so much. I made a fake name on Twitter because Rogan sent me some clip about something. He said, you got to see this. And I was like, I'm not on Twitter anymore. He's like, just create an account. So I typed in, I did a burner account. Oops, I did it, Asian. It was

is just the first one that came up. So I was like, cool. But I misspelled Asian. You did it like again? Yeah. And someone got the oops I did it Asian and knew that it was my burner and then started posting horrible shit about me like it was me. And I was like, fuck, I'm out. I'm out again. I fuck up the internet all the time. I don't even fucking. So burner counts, I'm out. You know, you had me follow a guy that I met at your show in Vegas.

John. Yeah. And I'm still trying to figure out why I'm following John. It's my favorite follow in the world. I follow things for weird reasons. You endorsed him in such an enthusiastic way that I've been trying to figure this out for quite some time now. That's very deep work. That's very much what he does. I mean, with the lady, he was like, I love this fucking episode or this account. I'm like, what is it? He's like, she's just like,

But she's weird. He's like kind of... No, no, no, no, no. You gotta... When it comes to the internet, you gotta look for the beauty of honesty. Okay. It's like John's holding nothing back. He tells you what he's thinking. Okay. So I'm not sure. I was not sure if he's doing a bit or not. Oh, no. Oh, no. I fell in love with him because he has a waterfall in his living room. And he had... This is my favorite thing. And

And some guy was talking shit. You're nothing. You're nobody. And he's like, what's up, bitch? You think I'm fucking nothing? I got a waterfall in my living room. And he cuts to it. And it made me laugh so fucking hard. It's real kid rock energy. It is. But he's not doing it ironically. Yeah. He's so... Now, I unironically want a waterfall in my fucking living room because of John. I like weird follows. Like, I follow this one Mama J who makes... I love women.

when people get in front of their branding thinking they're smarter than you, she's like, I'm a lower middle class housewife just making lunch for my hubby. Here we go. And then what she doesn't brand is how unhealthy their fucking diet is. She's like three pounds of pasta. I mean, he's, here's a nitrous energy drink. Here's a Gatorade. Here's a Red Bull, a gallon of Kool-Aid. And I, I love when, and then, and then when you, when you know, they read their comments, they,

and you know they're trying to be smarter than the internet, but they can't be. And that's my favorite fucking thing. I get so... I have weird follows. My favorite people to follow are people that... People are like, why do you fucking follow them? I get obsessed with them. I check on Cat Paws every day. I follow this guy who works at a gas station convenience store someplace. I don't know where it is. Shut the fuck up. This sounds sexy already.

He is so fucking funny, this guy. He just fucks with his customers because it's like one of these places. Oh, I know that guy. I follow that guy. You follow that guy? Yeah, I follow that guy. Fuck yeah. He's the one, he gets behind, like people go in for a drink, like they open their refrigerator and he's on the other side, you know, because there's another side of the refrigerator and he shoots them with a water gun, like while they're looking for their Mountain Dew or whatever. And it's so goddamn funny because the last thing you expect when you lean your head into a cold fridge is to get shot with a fucking water gun.

And then he's got this old guy who is, you know, that old guy. Like, he travels with him. Almost all the videos are him fucking with the old guy. Like, just, like, saying weird shit to the guy. And the guy, like, loses his mind. The guy's like, you know, he's like, what the fuck are you? You know, like, what's wrong with you? But they have this weird friendly relationship. The thing I look for on the internet is, we were talking about this the other day. Do you remember old Clinton Portis interviews? Yeah.

Yes. And you remember Clint Portis didn't know you weren't allowed to say certain things? And you'd get excited. You'd be like, shut the fuck up. And he'd be like, ain't nothing but a dog fight. And you'd be like, you're not allowed to say that. That's what I look for on the internet is people that don't know they're not allowed to say it. I fucking... Yeah, it's exciting. It's fun. So fucking exciting. Because everyone's so self-aware, you know, and tries to say the right thing. It's fun to find. Do you have a burner account or do you just follow people? I don't know. Yeah, I just follow people. Oh, for real? Yeah.

Oh, that's crazy. I want to go through your follow list. Some people go, Jimmy Kimmel follows me. Yeah. It is, yeah. But I follow a lot of like, I like when people do like art stuff or like make shit out of cotton candy. Oh, Puerto Ricans get their hair cut. You know, I like to stay abreast of what Dua Lipa is up to. For sure. You know. Dua Lipa is the only, what's her nationality? Albanian. She's the only Albanian Serbian's like.

The only Albanian Serbians like. Serbians hate Albanians. Is that right? Buddy. I like a... Well, no, I thought the Serbians hated the Croatians. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, they do. Croatians look down on the Serbians. So Croatians are the Japanese. Serbians are the Koreans. And then the Albanians are the Chinese. So like they fuck... I mean...

I remember when we were on set doing the movie, they were making Albanian jokes. And I said to one of the guys, I said, hey, man, you know, just if there's an Albanian on set, aren't you worried that they defend, you defend them? And he goes, he'd better, no better to not say anything. And I went, what? And he goes, we just kick his ass. And I was like, cool, cool. There's that too. You ever get that with like your, like, so, you know, like.

you get some like like we got this guy that is like a gardener in the neighborhood and you just assume he's mexican oh yeah and then he gets mad he's like i'm not fucking mexican i brought them all and we're like oh okay all right i didn't know there was a thing yeah and it's like it's i think it's like there's like some kind of social oh there's a higher the farther south down you go oh lower it is it's it's it and it gets worse i go in florida and with cubans

Cubans are like, so if you're Cuban and you step foot on the soil, you're national, you're a citizen immediately. And so there is, I remember my buddy Eddie Fernandez, we were in LA, he's Cuban, and his mom had bought him a red...

jacket for Christmas looks identical to a valet parker. And someone threw Eddie his keys and he was like, I'm not a fucking Mexican. I was like, oh, shut your fucking mouth, buddy. He was like, and he yelled the guy in Spanish. I was like, Eddie, close enough. We had a writer at the Man Show, a guy named Adam De La Pena, and he was standing out front of a restaurant and a guy handed him his car keys and he just looks at the keys and he looks at the guy and he just throws the keys as far as he could. Laughter

Really? Yeah. He just chucked the keys. The guy's like, what the? That might be the best way you can handle that. That's fucking awesome. So what's your night look like tonight? Like, I'm curious. Like, I always think I'd be healthier if I did a show like yours where you're the chunk of your day where you should be drinking.

You're working. It's pretty rigid, yeah. You know, usually I go after the show, I go home, I put the kids to bed, I read them a chapter of a book or whatever. Okay, you ready? I'm going to ask your son. Yeah. Are you a better dad this round than the first round? Oh, I don't know if he would know the answer to that. Because my kids would be like, he's killing all these new kids.

I think I probably am better this time around because I had to wake up at 3.30 in the morning the first time around. So I kind of wasn't there. Like, you know, I'd wake up and see them in the morning. Yeah, you were busier then. I was busier. As hard as it is to believe, I was busier then. At least while they weren't in school. Wait, you, I just remembered now, you were like chubbier.

And you went, it was a whole thing when you lost weight. Fasting and pickles. That's a lie. No. Yeah, it was, I know, it wasn't, yeah, it was like a. But the stories that I heard was like you were eating like eight almonds a day. That's right. I was on a, I was eating one raisin and a small ball of aluminum foil. Were you on a crazy. Yes, I did go on a crazy diet for like four months. I went on some crazy fucking eating nothing diet. And crazy cardio too or? No.

No, no, no exercise. That's when the diet went away when I started like going, you know, maybe I should exercise because I was like very proud of myself because I lost so much weight. Yeah. But then when I went back and recalculated, I realized I lost like 11 pounds of muscle. I was like, oh, this is not great. And I was eating like 1200 calories a day. Jesus Christ. Which was, you know, which is not not a great way to go about life. How did you keep it off? I just just kind of readjusted how much I eat. I can eat. I can eat.

There aren't many people who can eat more than I can eat. I can go really, really wild. I mean, I can go fucking crazy. But you've reined it in. You reined it in. I reined it in, yeah.

I try to eat reasonably during the week, and I eat what I want on the weekend. Do you drink? I don't drink that much anymore. Really? Smoke weed? I do smoke weed, yeah. Really? I've switched to that. I used to drink a lot, and after a while, it's kind of like hard on the body. Really? Yeah. You ever do the show high? No, never. Ever done the show drunk? Nope. I have done the man show a little drunk, yeah. Yeah. Just because we do two shows in a day, and we wound up...

Oh, yeah. We'd chug beers, you know. God. Those were the fucking days. I did do one man show up a bit high because we're at Snoop Dogg's house. I remember the episode. And I didn't even really smoke pot at that time. I maybe smoked once in my life at that time. And as soon as we walked in, Snoop got us high. And I was like... We had a whole bit with all these stupid little things we were going to do. And I just said to the director, I was like, I'm just...

I'm worthless. Just fucking help me. Yeah. And Snoop, I was actually, Snoop asked to have Kentucky Fried Chicken as the, no, Popeye's as the catered meal. And we're in his garage eating lunch. And I overheard him say to his friend, my nephew done ate six pieces of chicken already. I went fucking nuts. I went into his refrigerator.

I was spraying whipped cream into my mouth. That's awesome. Oh, there's nothing better than eating when you're high. The best, because I went into, he was on before me when I was on your show. Right. And it was one of those things where I was like, am I going to leave here without going into Snoop's room and saying what's up? I was like, you can't. You can't. And you did. Oh, yeah. It took, like, I was like,

I just walked in. I see people on the couch and they're all like... And I'm like, hello. And I just see a cloud of smoke. It's like what you imagine. A cloud of smoke comes from behind a wall. And then I'm like, hey, I was just on. And I totally...

fanboyed like so hard started talking about his career and shit I just didn't know what to say and then he was like yeah he was a let me get a flick with you and I'm like what and I realized that's what he's saying he's saying let me take a picture with you I was like oh yeah yeah yeah I was like that's you even say that cool let me get a flick with you do you have like a kind of a Mount Rushmore of people to smoke with

No, not really. No, it's never, I mean, like it was, it's never been the thing where I'm like, I have to do that with them. I have quite a good collection of, yeah. You know, Seth Rogen, I think as well as guys, Willie Nelson, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. A few times. Yeah. Willie, uh,

um woody harrelson there's another one have you smoked with woody i have yeah that seems like a that's a pretty cool one yeah um snoop of course yeah the ones the guys only mike tyson which i who i consider to be on that list even though most people don't realize he's on that list yeah but the guys that i haven't are cheech and chong i have you have oh that's pretty good and they lived up to it like i was like hey i was gonna let it join and they're like yeah

He's like, you guys still smoke? They're like, it's kind of our thing. And Tommy Chong, I was so high and he explained reality to me. Oh, he did. And what is it? He said, you create your own reality. You decide how you feel

You pick all those emotions so you can create if you're happy or not. And I had just had that thought like two days before. And I was like, it was like most prolific thing. I was like, Jesus Christ, like you do create your reality. I got in a fight with Leanne two days before and I get in the car, I'm going to get coffee. And I was like, I don't really, I'm not angry. She's given me so many good memories. Why am I getting this one little thing hang me up? And I was like, what if I decide not

to not be mad at her? What if I just choose to think of all the good things for this drive? And then halfway through the drive, I wasn't mad at all. And I came home and I was like, hey, baby, I'm sorry. And I meant it. And then Tommy Chong explained that to me high as fuck. And I was like, God damn it. You know, Tommy Chong has been divorced 11 times. I just made that up. I spoke with Snoop. I have a list of people I want to fall off the wagon with. Who? Ben Affleck.

I was hoping after the roast that he'd be on board. So you want somebody to fall off the wagon with you? I'll be next to them. And they're like, fuck it. I see. And then I get a night with them. That's a good dream. That's a nice dream. Yeah, send them down spiraling into hell. Apparently, the stories I've heard are that Willie's tolerance is absolutely insane. Yeah.

I think Willie's just very, very high at all times, day and night. And there's no, there's not even, he doesn't even get high. He just is high. Is high. Yeah. Yeah. I want to do coke with Leonardo DiCaprio. And I'm going to make him do Arnie the whole time. I can climb Gilbert. I fucking love, I would love to do coke with Leonardo DiCaprio. I wouldn't let Robert Downey Jr. fall off the wagon with me. He's done two cool things. He's, I'm so happy he's sober. Yeah. Like,

But other people, you're not happy. So these are people you don't like that much. No, I love Ben Affleck. I love him. I love him, but I want to break the fucking ice. I want to get in the polar plunge. I want to crack the ice and get in the water with him. I want to see what it's like. I think it's pretty dark. I would love to see it. And I'm there for him. It's a nice dream. I'll be there for him. I'll stay at his house.

We'll call Jennifer Garner. She'll take us to rehab. Jesus Christ. Call his ex-wife. It's one of my fucking favorite pictures in the world when she took him through Jack in the Box and he's in the back eating fucking Jack in the Box on his way to rehab. I was like, that's a fucking ride or die bitch right there. That's Leanne. You know that's Leanne. Yeah, yeah. She's taking a Jack in the Box for sure. Yeah. Why don't we get all fucked up and go to Jack in the Box? You know? Buddy. See if we can find Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, yeah. You know him, right? I do. Yeah. What's he like?

He's very smart. It's annoying. Very, very smart. And I would say this, that he doesn't, I don't know, to me, before I knew him, he didn't seem smart. He seemed like kind of a big dunce to me. That's my fucking story. But he's very smart. I think he comes off that way in more in-depth interviews when you really hear him, you know, not like necessarily doing panel or something, but when you actually hear him speak about things, you pick up on the fact that he's smart.

Pretty smart guy. Hey, when you do cool parties, right? Mm-hmm. Will you start inviting Tom and I? Sure.

But the way they're going lately, it's just going to be the three of us. Yeah. Because we don't really do it anymore. Oh, you used to have hot fucking parties. You know what? There are these parties that are kind of legendary that were really built around Howard Stern coming to LA. Yeah. And he hasn't come to LA in such a long time. And now I think he doesn't even like the parties anymore. But I did it mostly because...

He would talk about the fact that he's coming to LA and he's coming to my house and all this stuff. And then everybody I knew would be like, hey, what are you guys doing? Whatever. And it just became like this uncomfortable situation. So I said, why don't we knock these? Why don't we knock it all off and get everybody together? We'll have a party. And I think the first couple of times he really liked it. And then the third time it became like way too much. And he just hasn't returned. I got to throw a party.

Yeah. I want to start throwing parties. You can definitely do that. Yeah. Yeah, you're allowed. You're totally allowed to have a party. I'm going to be home for nine months. I should throw a couple parties. That should be in the mix of your nine months. I want to see what celebrities show up. Are you going to sail to Hawaii? I was thinking about sailing to Hawaii. I was thinking about moving to South France. I have a bunch of big ideas. But you won't execute any of them? Probably no. No. Probably I will just be on Instagram every fucking day.

Yeah, I hope to follow through with something. I wish you would commit to one of them. Sailing to—I want to be scared. Well, sailing to Hawaii sounds very scary. Yeah. From where? From Florida? No, from L.A. It's 18 days. It's 18 days from L.A.? Yeah.

Because when I heard 18 days, I was like, oh, this must be from Florida. How big of a boat are we talking about? 60-foot gunboat. I've done a lot of research. It's a very slow boat? No, no, no. Gunboats are fucking awesome. They're like catamarans almost. John John Florence has one. I think he owns it.

I haven't hit him up yet, but I'm going to see if he'll let me sail with him. You should try to get Tommy Lee to come on that boat with you. Hell yeah. Fuck yes. A lot of ocean experience. Bring your cock. He could steer for you. You know what's funny about Tommy Lee, and I know you tried to wrap it up. We're not. He seems like a reality star of the 90s or something or the early 2000s, but he's actually a very talented musician. So talented. I think you forget that part of it.

Because he's Tommy. He's so Tommy Lee. The personality, right? Oh, yeah. He's a drummer. Yeah. He's a really good drummer. Really good. Yeah. Incredible. It's weird that, you know, because like Pamela Anderson, she's like the female version. She doesn't have any talents. Yeah, yeah. You know? I mean, really, what are her talents? Sure. Certainly not acting. Maybe running, I guess, is one of them. Advocacy. Yeah.

I think she's like really into PETA. Oh, yes, advocacy. That's right. She does have the gift for advocacy. Maybe I'll become an advocate on my nine months off. That's a great idea. Just really get into advocacy. What would you advocate for? Probably last call. Like push last call. Pushing it? All around the country.

When I moved from Las Vegas to Phoenix, Arizona to go to college, I had never heard of Last Call. Oh, yeah. And I was so mad when I found out about it. It was 1 o'clock. I was like...

What? Wait, what? Everybody goes home now? What are you talking about? It's 1 a.m. Yeah. Because, you know, Nevada, there's no... No such thing. You could be there at 5, 6 in the morning. Have you ever had a Coke? No. Never have. You should. They say 56 is the time where you should start experimenting with that sort of thing. Especially this whole, like, second go at being a dad, you know? Yeah, yeah. Really get into it now. Now you can really blow through some cash. Now my heart is very vulnerable. Yeah.

When we did the roast, Sam J was lighting. I had a bag of Zin's and I pulled them out to take a Zin out. And it was a little clear baggy of Zin's. And Tom goes, it looks like fucking Coke. I go, it's Zin's.

And then Sam J starts lighting me up for being like some mediocre party animal who doesn't drew drugs and only fucks his wife. And I pulled out the Zins and shook them. Yeah. Everyone thought you had a bag. Yeah. Yeah. I had a bag of Coke and the whole arena. I had a bag of Coke. It was like, it was great. It was a great moment. Yeah. Yeah. It was fucking. And Tom's like, and then I'm so glad they edited it out. Cause my daughters will watch the roast. They edited that out. They edited the Coke out. What's worse having a bag of Coke or a bag of Zins?

If you have two daughters who you've preached no pills, no powder, and then you guys show us up with a fucking heavy eight ball, just fucking...

I wish you would have done Coke right on the table. That would have actually stolen the whole show. Kim Kardashian looked at me. She told me to pull out the bag and she went,

And I was like, I party. It's cool, man. It's cool. Hey, Jimmy. Yeah. Thanks for having me. I've been a fan of yours my entire fucking career. Well, thank you. Thank you so much for doing this. Yeah, this is a real treat, man. Thank you so much. You guys are very funny. Thanks for inviting me to your show in Las Vegas. And I'm sorry for all the hatred that you're going to get for having me on this one. No, we'll lean into it. I apologize in advance. You're the man, dude. Thank you for coming. Thank you, Jimmy. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. Bert and Tom.

One goes to the top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.