Dr. Phil Makes Bert Cry | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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The big game weekend just got even bigger. Oh, you want to add drugs and alcohol? Your boy, Burt Kreischer, is coming to New Orleans Saturday, February 8th. He's bringing Nikki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. Don't be right back. Get tickets now at BurtBurtBurt.com. 100%. Cheers.

Brand new Two Bears, One Cave, and I am lucky enough to be joined by a man that would be perfect in my life right now because I am going through a moment. My current partner, Tom Segura, is looking at ski chalets in Switzerland, purchasing. That's what he's calling it. Yeah. I remember when I had my ski chalet phase.

We know what it is, Tom. We know who you are. Did you ever cheat on your wife? Multiple times. Okay, nice. Yeah, let's get into it. Let's say from the early 90s was a time when everybody was fucking around trying to figure out who they were and why they were, right? But I think, you know, when you start to shed some weight, you start to talk about seeing your dick more. Yeah.

that happened for me about 2005, 2006. So then you started going, well, other people need to see this. I don't realize what I was packing between these thighs. Oh, let me tell you, I had to lose 50 pounds to see my dick. For sure. And let me finish my story. But what I was saying was, was that, uh,

When you start jerking off, I don't want to get too filthy too quick, but there's porn cheating and there's real live in the flesh cheating. I've done the porn cheating. And I'm not done. And then there's blow-up doll cheating, too. Oh, like a fleshlight? No, I mean like a blow-up doll, like I said. Fleshlight is more of a toy that I encourage to bring into the bedroom. The first time I ever cheated on my fleshlight was with my wife.

Really? Hold that thought. We'll be right back. No, we'll keep her out of here. I think that porn is healthy, but it can get in the way of your day-to-day. And I don't mean to rhyme so early in the podcast. No, I appreciate it. Well, I know you do. I know that there's something about stability and longevity that...

um, a stability and a connection, uh, to the understanding and the education of who you are and who you want to be. Tom is, I guarantee you in the bathroom of a Delta flight on the way to where Nova Scotia. Yeah, I know. Uh, Switzerland, it doesn't matter, but he's jerking off in the bathroom because he can't contain himself. And you get to a certain point in life where you go, I have to, I need to, and then you'll reflect and dissect later. Yeah, I agree. What was the question? Uh, uh,

Cheating on your wife, yeah. But look, I think that there's, look, tomato, tomato, Ray Romano. But I also think that you got to have a reason and a risk-reward meter on you at all times. You had a birthday last night. I had a birthday last night. And you had a birthday. You treated it like a young college girl. You made it a birthday month, didn't you? It's a whole month is November birthday, yeah. I love that. Guys should start doing that, too. It's mostly a female thing. Usually, it's my birthday year.

It's my birthday year. Well, you know what? It can also be a fellow's birthday month. Yeah. Well, here's what happened. I tried to remember all the birthdays that I could out of all of them. And I could only remember 11 birthdays. And I realized that's really sad. Oh, for your own birthday. My own birthdays. I have number 10 was we moved in a new house.

Number 11, I don't remember anything before number 10. Number 11, I got my teeth knocked out with a baseball bat on my birthday. About Mark McGuire? No, no, my dad. We'll come back to that. I was talking. It was back in the day. We've all talked back to our dad. We've all been hit with a bat. No, it wasn't my dad. I never met the kid. He swung the bat. I fielded the ball. I was the catcher. I took my mask off. I threw it to third, and he hit me in the mouth with a baseball bat. I remember 16. I remember 18. I remember 21.

I remember 26. I remember 27. I remember 29. I remember 30. And then 49, 50, and 51. I love that you can remember what you remember.

Does that make sense? No. So I love that you took time to make sure that on certain birthdays you weren't going to forget, right? That's what I did this past birthday. I'll never forget this birthday. And this was number what? 52. Holy shit. Yeah. Or 49. I was thinking, and I'd love your opinion, that at 50, what if I start going backwards? What do you mean by that? So I go at 50...

Instead of saying I'm 52, I say I'm 48, and I start going down the numbers to see if I can get to zero. I'm okay with that. Yeah. So I'm 48. Where were you at 45? Because you skipped over that birthday. I have no idea. You don't remember. Well, can I tell you something I said to my wife yesterday? No, I'm all right. But I do want to know, though, but thanks for sharing. I do want to know. Wait, I'm going to tell you anyway. Okay, it's your show. It's your house. Cheers, by the way. Hey, to 52. To 48. To 48. My mistake. To 48.

Porosos. It might not be nighttime, but it sure feels like it in my heart. Porosos. Amen. I said to Leanne the other day, I had a bunch of birthdays I had to work on them. And I said, you know, what a gangster. I worked on my birthday. That's a big time move. And she goes, you know, everyone works on their birthday. Yeah, you ain't special.

I did weekends in like Omaha one year, Virginia Beach, and I thought, what a selfless man I am that I'm working on my birthday. And then she's like, yeah, kids go to school on their birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doctors do surgeries. Women get fake tits on their birthday. Do you think people die on their birthday? 1,000%. Really? Yeah, I think there's... Type in famous person who died on their birthday. And then hashtag John Stamos nudes, and we'll see what comes up. Ooh.

Now, I think that there's something about going for it, but in the, you know, there's a time and a place for everything. But I think dying on your birthday is, I don't want to say gangster, but it definitely is a way. Look, Betty White passed away from what? Just being old and fucking cool? God was just like, hey, you're having too much fun down there. Come on upstairs, right? Look at the fucking list of people. Michael Douglas? Well, he's still alive. I don't know why that's up. I don't know how he, how's that?

Wow, is this Google just anticipating who's next? Merle Haggard died on his birthday. Who else? Is anyone? William Shakespeare. Died on his birthday? Died on his birthday. That sounds about right. Edna May. Grace Bradley. Alan Drury.

Nancy. Oh, I thought you said Nancy Grace. Franklin Roosevelt, uh, Franklin Roosevelt, uh, Jr. Passed away on his birthday. Do you think there's a, that would be a cool serial killer if you killed people on their birthdays? That's a great, let's write that show. Yeah. That's a great, that's who plays it. Who plays the killer? Cause I'm a guy that appreciates somebody like an unknown actor as the killer, right? When Zac Efron played, uh, uh,

Ted Bundy. Al Bundy. They should have had Al Bundy play Ted Bundy. I would have watched it twice. What was her name? Never mind. We'll edit this out. They should have unknowns play the killer so you buy it more. I'm watching Zac Efron as Ted Bundy. Even though I know it's Ted Bundy, but I'm like, this is the kid from 17 again. Yeah.

Underrated movie, by the way. 17 again? Yeah, that's where... Zac Efron, underrated actor. Underrated actor. I think people think of Zac Efron and they think of the major motion pictures. Ooh, sweet eyes, hot cock. Baywatch, fucking awesome. Pretty funny. Miriam and Dave need weddings. Don't know what you just said, but yeah. Mike and Dave need wedding dates. Mike and Dave need wedding dates. What was the fucking movie you just said? Muriel David needs a date? What the fuck?

What is it like? Sometimes your brain has a bunch of words and there's like little dwarves like spinning a wheel. I hear clear and I see the skeet going in the sky, but I don't have my gun. I'm like, God damn it. It's in the trunk. Fuck. Oh, these are all the movies he did? Well, he's in the Lorax.

He was in the Lorax? Charlie Cloud. Yeah, see, I think that was a cancer movie. And then there's that awkward moment, Neighbors. He was great in Neighbors. He was great in Neighbors. Dirty Grandpa with De Niro. De Niro says the N-word in that movie. No. No, I'm just kidding. But look how excited you got. No, he does. He really does, though. He really does. What are you supposed to do, Dr. Phil, when a white person says the N-word in front of you? Great question. I talk about this in my book, We've Got Issues.

You know, the N-word, getting called the N-word by a black friend is awesome. It might be like winning the lottery or getting a golden ticket to Wonka's factory. Yeah. Now, getting called the N-word by Wonka at his factory, even better. But...

There's something about everyone's looking for an extra pep in their step. The N-word's not for us. Papa John, is his pizza okay? It's okay. Did the N-word thing make his cheesy bread sales drop a bit? A titch? Yeah, a titch. Did he give Shaq a raise after he did that? Probably. Did Shaq buy Papa John's?

No, I think Shaq's just a partner. Oh, he just came in after the unworthy walk-off. I know, he's got some sort of Shaq pizza, the Shaquiza or something. Oh, Shaquille O'Neal's the best. He's the best. He might be my favorite athlete of all time, but only because, here's how I equate my favorite athletes. If I was in a restroom with them and they were taking a pee, would I take a peek?

Do you know what I'm saying? So you would take a peek. I would take a peek. And that's why I know he's my favorite because there's a lot of guys I won't even give a second glance to. Do you know what I'm saying? Zach Efron, I'd probably pass. I'd love to actually have the idea of his penis being big better than actually seeing it. Because part of me feels like Efron, you know, he's pretty jacked and sometimes big guys have tiny schlongs. Ooh, I bought a penis extender.

For who? I know. I just... It got given to me, right? It got given to me. They sent me a bunch of sex toys because... Who did? What was the name of the company? Someone say the name of the company downstairs. The...

Was it Fisher-Price? No, no. What if times got so tough for Fisher-Price, they had to just take a complete left turn? Wait, why wouldn't they just add a sex toy? They're already making toys. They're already making toys. They already got the factory. Add a couple beads. They've already owned the word toy. Just put an extra battery inside that little... It's like when something does a seltzer and then a hard seltzer. Yeah.

So there's a Fisher-Price cooking set, and then there's also the Dominatrix. Hey, will you bring the penis extender up here? Someone bring the penis, because you'll be shocked. That's the third time I've heard that today. I can't tell you where I was before this, but it rhymes with brothel.

Now, I've only been to a brothel once in Germany, and it was, you know, I don't want to say it was awkward, but the people that worked there looked like they should be working there. Does that make sense? You ever go into a weed dispensary, and there's like a white kid with dreads behind the counter, and you're like, yeah, this is where you're supposed to be. Yeah. I didn't expect you to be like, I should get my law degree. No, no, you're here, Tanner. And then he tells you his name, and you're like, what's your name? He's like, Bovid. You go, what is that? He goes, Bovid.

It's Bobby and David, but I put them together. But you can call me Wizard. And I'm like, I'm not going to call you any of those. I went to a brothel in Germany. I know you did. I'll follow you on Facebook. With my buddy Dan. And he had a prostitute. He fucked her.

And no condom. Oof. Can't do that. Well, you can, but. You can. He did. And he said to me as we walked up the stairs out of the brothel, we never talk about this. I've told so many people. Those are the best types of stories. Do you know how many secrets I've told when people start the secret with this stays between us? I go, I'm already fantasizing about the text thread I'm about to make the day of.

I have had people not tell me secrets. They go, can I tell you a secret? And I go, hang on. How important is this? And then they'll tell me. I go, you shouldn't tell me. Don't tell me. I'm not good at keeping secrets. I enjoy. I told a secret. I was working with Jimmy Tatro. And we were in my pool in Serbia. And he said, can I tell you a secret? And I said, yeah. And he told me the secret. And I grabbed my phone, called my buddy Kale. And I said, you're never going to believe what Jimmy just told me. And he went, hold on.

That was a secret. I said, well, I know, but I'm just telling Kale. He goes, no, that's how a secret works is you don't tell anybody. Yeah, well, you try your best. I was like, but it's Kale.

You would be cool with me telling Cale. And he was like, no, that's how a secret works. I'm not good at secrets. Can you imagine? Who do you think told the first secret? Or who do you think was the first? We were talking about gossip before the show started. I think we all enjoy a little gossip. The holiday season for me is my favorite time to gossip. Oh, my God. I like to go into chat rooms and just start rumors. Oh. I've had more rumors started about me on this show. I didn't know you actually could get your liver drained. This is the penis extender. It's over at your house.

What's this? A blowjob machine. We can bring that in, Pete. Wait, why is the penis extender at my house? Well, this thing's got, first of all, I love when something like this has a charger in it. I bought the penis extender home for you. Shut up. I bought it home for you. Why for the year? I'm as big as the penis extender. Yeah. That was my whole point to show you how small the penis extender was. Wait, so is it like a pump? No. What's the difference between a pump and an extender? It's like a Halloween costume for your dick.

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as you deserve. Get 20% off plus free shipping with code BEARS at manscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code BEARS at manscaped.com. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know who I'm grateful for? Both my daughters, Georgia and Isla. I have such a great relationship with them. I mean, for many reasons.

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Okay, put it over your dick and then it attaches to your balls and it makes your dick Roughly what I'm guessing is like six to seven inches gotcha But it's not like if you were gonna get a penis extender I thought you'd want it to be like 12 inches. Mm-hmm, but it's not I guess it's for I didn't realize it's for guys with actual small dick I don't think anybody wants to be above seven or eight. No, that's a lot of responsibility. What's it? You're not getting the whole thing in you're not getting the whole thing in that's not fun for her or him Okay

By the way, is this, who is it? Is this a guy, do they have like his and hers or is this definitely a woman? Either that or a very young boy. Yeah. That's the smallest mouth I've ever seen. We'll keep it in. I think that this, I mean, there's teeth in there too, which is. There's teeth. Yeah. Here, open it up for the camera. Show them the teeth. Yeah. So, this is my first time. All right, well, I'll tap you on the back of the head. You're funny. You're funny.

Well, I... Wait, is this a girl or a guy? Well, I'll keep it... I'm keeping it down the middle. This could be Charlene or... Charlie. Or Charlie. So, um... Do you always... Do you always wear a suit to bed? Yeah, I'm just more comfortable this way. I'll probably keep my pants on, too, but I'll just... I cut a little hole, and then I'll just... Why don't you have a zipper? You ask a lot of questions for some of the works at the Olive Garden. You weren't supposed to tell anybody that. Well...

Sorry, but I'm an open book. And I talk about that in my book. We've got issues. You're always promoting stuff. Can't we just fuck? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Take me to dinner first. I did. I hooked you up with Never Ending Pasta at my work, remember? I don't think I like your fucking attitude right now. So, are we going to do this or not? Yeah, let me just go put on a condom. Wait, you're going to wear a condom while I blow you? And scene. Okay.

You know, I was an actor in high school. For real? You couldn't tell from that little scene? No, no, no, no, no. It was more like an improv sketch. Well, no, that was a scripted scene from a show I wrote in high school, a one-act play. What was the name of the play? Will She Do It? How's it end? Well, give me a little funding. Maybe we'll produce it here in Los Angeles at the Falcon Theater in Burbank. I think this is just so you practice. She goes, hey, you go, shh. Oh, there you go. That's always a sexy move, the shush.

I got one of these one time. When I first started doing Rogan, he used to sell fleshlights.

And he would talk about them. He's like, you got to fuck them. They're so good. Wait, like he'd sell a Rogan-flavored fleshlight? No, no. Oh, my God. Like Trump sells Bibles? It was like a Rogan fleshlight? No, it was not a Rogan. One was an alien. One was like Christy Mack. It was all the porn stars. Wait, so Rogan sold fleshlights that were named after a porn star? Yes, Rogan. And shaped around their parts? Yeah, it was a fleshlight. So Joe would do ads the way he would be like, I can't do a podcast without on it. He'd be like, okay.

These fleshlights are... I don't do voice. That's not a good Rogan. That's more... Yeah. Who does a Rogan, by the way? No one. Maybe one of the fleshlight... I bet Frank Caliendo can do a good Rogan. Frank Caliendo can do a Rogan. Where's my phone? I wonder if we can get Frank Caliendo on the horn. That'd be amazing. Wait, so, okay. So Rogan used to sell fleshlights. And so he would do ads for fleshlights. I mean, I can get into the weeds on this. It's really fucking fascinating. And by the way, this is worth a deep dive because it is...

It is, in essence, how, if I'm not mistaken, how he got involved with Onnit. Okay. And so it's his buddy, Aubrey Marcus. Well, I've met the Fleshlight people. So they were the cool kids out of Austin that sold Fleshlights. And they went to Rogan. They're like, can you talk about it on the podcast? And he did, and he had ad sales sponsors. But he would talk about them, and he'd be like, have you ever fucked one? And I was always like, no. And he's like, see if we have an extra one back there. And they never had an extra one. So one time in Miami at the old Miami—

uh, comedy club, the improv and I'm walking around to get lunch and there was a sex shop and I walked in and I was like, I was like, Hey, do you guys have a,

and the guy's like, we got fucking a can. And I was like, cool, I'll take it. What is that, the dollar store version? No, it was a can of Sapporo. What? And you took the top off of it, and it was a pussy. Except I got one. I didn't open it. I raced home. I got back. He goes, you want lube? I was like, no, I'm going to. Yeah, of course I want fucking lube. Yeah. And so I get home. I open the can, and it's a mouth. It's the mouth. It's not the pussy. I'm like, God damn it.

And it's just looking at you like going, please don't do it, man. Please, please don't do it. Yeah, the mouth is a lot more dangerous than that. And no teeth in it. And so I fucked it. And I'm telling you, the shame...

of cleaning cum out of a flashlight. There's nothing like it. No, you can't come back from that. You just throw it away. You can't go back outside after that. Cancel your dinner plans and your holiday vacation. I'd rather have someone cum inside me than clean cum out of a flashlight. You ever had an unhappy ending? No, no. That's where you get a massage and then they jerk off on your back. Oh, no.

I thought of that on the way over here. Glad it worked out okay. Can I tell you the joke I wrote today? No, I'm all right. But, Bert, I do want to know what – is there something about – no, go ahead, please. No, no. It's so bad. No, come on. At one point, Jay-Z had to say to someone, this is my fiancé, Beyoncé. Okay.

Fiance Beyonce. This is my fiance Beyonce. And then someone went, he's a rapper. Yep. Oh, they go, he can't turn it off. Right? Oh, there we go. I'll give you five bucks if you take a swig of what you just threw up in that glass. God damn it. All right. Somebody get me Burt's Venmo. All right. Help me figure out life. I'm 48 years old, also 52. You're crushing it. What?

What should I focus on this year, Dr. Phil? Well, I think every year you want to get better, right? And you started the year off, you started off strong, but you're closing it out stronger. And I'm a big guy to button stuff. You know, not just your pants and your fleshlight, but everything that you...

You do it with purpose. And you start off the year with a bang. You got the special going. You got the tour going again. Correct me if I'm wrong. Girls went to school this year? Girls were both in college. This year? This year. So what a banner year for you. Yeah. And now you're closing it out with some big stuff that I'm privy to just from being at your little birthday soiree, which, by the way,

best potato salad I've ever had was last night. I took a doggy bag home of potato salad like a fucking orphan child looking for a stepdad on a Tuesday. A bag of potato salad. You imagine if a cop pulled me over, what are you doing with that bag of potato salad, Phil? I'm going to fuck it. What's your fucking problem? I'm going to eat it, you pervert. So I'm leaving the party thinking about how good of a time I had, but you brought that good time on us.

And I think that's what you've done this year. You've created opportunities for yourself and the people around you to just have a good time but make sure that things stay afloat. And that's a big deal. So you want to double down on that next year or take it back a minute. You know what I was doing is I was getting off Instagram and I realized I like Instagram.

I'm getting back on. Yeah, I think, yeah. I started putting videos up. I was like, no, no, that's not. I think nothing in moderation. Okay, just go hard in the paint. Yeah, nothing in moderation. Do it. You're going to die anyway one day. You might as well have fun as fucking shit while you're alive. I think I might be not a hedonist, not a narcissist, not a fascist. Those are three of the completely opposite things you could have said right there. I'm not a clown. I'm not a midget. I'm not a nihilist. Okay, there it is. Nihilist.

What is a nihilist again? Can we Google nihilist real quick? I think a nihilist is someone who just does it. It's like a real nosy masseuse. It's technically a drug addict. Drug addict, okay. Well, no, there's, I mean, look, the everything in moderation. Can you read that? I can't read. Sure. The world of nihilist is likely a misspelling of the word analyst, which means someone who studies or examines something in a...

Someone's been Googling Nintendo Switch. What, you got an eight-year-old boy in your closet? Wait, hold on. What is on your Googles? Yeah, this is wild. We got cream pie and what is it? Okay. I think that's, yeah, we can just go ahead and close this browser. The Nightmare Before Christmas. Do you think that women are bad at Googling things?

This feels like a personal problem that you should probably figure out before you get on a mic. Do you think men are better at women on the internet because... We spend more time Googling dumb shit. Yeah. Although I think... And women, I think, are better at...

My wife, Robin, is on the TikTok trends. So she'll swipe through and see like, hey, I got a good idea for how we can decorate our door for Shabbat. And I'm like, we're not even Jewish, bitch. But she's just always wanting to add flavor to the household, which I appreciate. I'm not a big fan of things hanging on my door.

My wife does like a wreath. A wreath, yeah. Or a chandelier. During Halloween, she's got like a spooky kitty. Like she, my wife decorates. Yeah. Decorates. And you're not a fan of that or what? Sorry, I had a mac and cheese portable in the car. No, I'm not. You know what? I've never been, I've never done it. What's your favorite holiday, Bert? And then I'll go next. Okay. Probably St. Patrick's Day.

Because of the booze or the leprechaun. Just the no rules. The no rules. Yeah. But every holiday in its own way has no rules. Okay, let's go. I went to a Flag Day party, and let's just say, I don't want to say what was going down, but it rhymes with bukkake. And that was a Flag Day party. What word could it be? What rhymes with bukkake? Take your time. Sound it out. There's only, but now that you mention it, I don't think anything rhymes with bukkake. Maybe teriyaki? Teriyaki? Teriyaki?

Tsunami doesn't rhyme with Bukkake. Tsunami? What are you, retarded? Who just said that? Tsunami. Tsunami?

You're the rapper that never made it. It's like, I think Little John used to have a song where he'd go, no more dick for your pussy, just dick for your throat. I don't want to give no child support. And you're like, those two things are the furthest words from each other. No dick for your pussy, just dick for your throat. Throat and support. Any child's a poe. There it is. Yeah, it's a Greg Giraldo joke. Is it really? One of my favorite comedians. I wasn't going to say it without shouting him out. The day they were going to put down our dog.

I was on the treadmill and I watched Greg Giroldo's special and I was crying laughing and I was thinking we might have to put down our dog and I was like, God, thanks Greg for giving me that. He was a great fucking guy. Was he really? God, he was so fucking cool. I only got to meet him once, but that's a guy that I, look, I know there's been a few documentaries about him, but it's a guy that, there's certain people you need in comedy, right? And there's that voice in mind you could use right now. I heard his son's doing standup. Great. Yeah. I heard his son's doing standup. You passed that funny gene on, you passed the funny gene on to your daughters, right? They refused to use it. Okay.

Who is your, do you get inspired still at 48? Do you have moments, like that's what I want to know. It's like you wake up in the morning, you jump in your cold fucking pool, which I know a lot, your testicles on fire and get your mind going for the day. But is there something that you can watch at night that doesn't involve forensic files or something that makes you go, oh, I'm pumped for tomorrow. Peaky Blinders. I love Peaky Blinders. It's a show, right? Yeah, it's a show. You know, I get up.

I was having a hard time for this last probably four months finding a reason to root for me because I feel like I achieved everything I ever wanted and I didn't have any more goals or projects. Right. And I was just lost and my daughters were gone and I woke up on my birthday and I said, fuck that. I'm going to be the happiest I can be. I'm going to be bulletproof. I'm not going to feel anything but fucking joy. And I'm going to start seeing the trees and smelling the roses and enjoy fucking life.

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Download Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply. Why isn't it smell the trees and see the roses? Yeah, what? Because there's tree huggers. There's not tree smellers, right? Smell the roses is a phrase that also is a way to find out if you have COVID. I think so.

Do you remember those days when you smell the roses and you go, oh, fuck, I think I have COVID. How did you know that you lost your smell or taste during COVID? I never lost my smell or taste. I did. How many times did you get COVID? 15. Seven. Yeah, I got it 15 times. Four of them I was lying. I just didn't want to eat my wife out. But I said, I can't taste it. What am I supposed to get out of this? And she was like, well, take a test. And I go, why don't you mind your fucking business? We fight a lot, but it's all.

But a fight, if it leads to something fun, is a worthwhile argument.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Makeup sex can sometimes be better than just regular in the middle of the day sex. I haven't had makeup sex in a long time. Let me pitch something to you. I'm ready. Get into a fight about something mundane, okay? Okay. Let's say your wife wants to throw up, decorate. We got Christmas coming up. I love it. She's like, hey, I found a fun wreath on Amazon. It glows in the dark.

And it also, it doesn't, you know, it's got a cool, it's got some Vietnamese riding on it. So, you know, we're not playing favorites, you know. And it's fun. The kids will come by. They'll see it. They'll go, these guys, you know, celebrate.

And then you go, all right, that's a cool idea. You go, or, and then you rip it down and go, or, and you rip it in half and go, or we could just fucking do it my way, which is just fucking, you know, fuck you. Yeah, I like that. And then that starts a fight. She gets riled up. And then you go, you know, get in the car. We're going to the Beverly Center. You go down to the mall. You walk around. You go, pick out anything you want. I'm going to buy it for you. She grabs a Jamba Juice. She grabs a ring from Kay Jewelers. You go into Lady Foot Locker. You get some...

Sue Bird jeans, right? And then you go downstairs to the puppy area. You start fucking looking at all the dogs. And you go, what if you were one of these little fucking pups? And she's like, what are you trying to prove to me right now? And you go, that life is tough. Get back in the car. Let's go fuck in the trunk.

And then by that time, you know, by that time, everything's calmed down. But you've had amazing sex because you're confused. Too many times I know where I am and what I'm doing. You ever had just blackout sex where you don't even know if you're inside the person? No, I was sober, but yeah. The first time I lost my virginity was anal because I thought I go, I go, well, this feels a little deeper than I was advertised.

Not to say she was advertising how deep she was, but she just kept bragging to the football team like, you know, most of the guys could get in. Why can't you, Phil? You know, for real, the first time I lost my virginity, I missed it in my dick between her butt cheek and the bed. Yep. Isn't that a Judy Blume book, the butt cheek and the bed? It should be. Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. My dick between her butt cheek and the bed.

I was hoping you'd have another Judy Blume title. Blubber. Blubber. I knew I wanted to be. Judy Blume? You wanted to be Judy Blume? Finish the sentence. I didn't know what the books were about, but I knew that all the cool chicks were reading them. Yeah. So I bought the Judy Blume books, and the books I didn't read, but I just had like, are you there? God, it's me, Margaret. And they were like, can you read that? I was like, it's really good. I'm getting her period. Oh, you fucking pervert. I walked around with Judy Blume books in fifth grade.

Like, I wanted the girls to talk to me. That's adorable. So all the real stories were about menstrual cycles? It's everything about a little girl figuring out her life. You were like, how good are these books? I never read one of them. I just had a quiver of them. Did they ever quiz you? Did any of the girls you had a crush on sit you down and go, what did you think about Dental Damn Diane? They were so confused that I had them.

And they're like, are you reading that? I was like, oh, I love it. It's so good. Judy Blume is like my favorite. And they're like, really? And I just had no fucking idea. And then my mom saw them and goes, what are you reading? I said, I'm not reading it. I just carry it. And she was like, there was one called Blubber. I think you're confusing it with Flubber, the Robin Williams movie. No, Blubber. Blubber was one. Are you there? God, it's me, Margaret. What are the other? I had a bunch of them. What's Blubber about? It's about a fat chick. About a fat chick.

I had Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. I remember that. That's a great book. Freckle Juice. Freckle Juice. Well, you can get that at the doctor. Super Fudge. Super Fudge. Not to be confused with Super Bad. Right. I read the book. What else? Judy Blume. Is she still alive? Tiger Eyes. She's 86 years old. It's not the end of the world. That's when she started to take a turn. She got dark towards the mid-70s. Yeah, they were all about coming-of-age books for girls. Did they have coming-of-age books for boys?

What if she just got real, she just went off the deep end and she's like, enough of these young girl tales. What if it was just like How to Squirt by Judy Blume? You know what I'm saying? And you're like, is this a tutorial? And she's like, no, it's about the Holocaust. And you're like, Jesus Christ. How about a more clever title that isn't so disguising? That's a cool shirt. I Squirt. I Squirt? Yeah. Can we make that just I Squirt? That's actually great. Can I tell you the first time I saw someone squirt was in my living room? Really? Yeah.

My son had some friends over, and they had some friends. We've all been a part of those parties where somebody invites somebody, and you go, I'm a cool guy. My house is open. Drink in the garage as long as you sleep over. Yeah. But these people that showed up, what? Drink in the garage as long as you sleep over. Another T-shirt? Love it. Okay. Drink in the garage.

As long as you sleep over. Yeah. You can go upstairs to shut your fucking mouth. So I told my son, I said, make sure that there's chips out. I want your friends to be satisfied. And then the next thing you know, I walk in with a bowl of Tostitos lime chips. Shout out. I just got what you said. Drink in the garage as long as you can sleep over. They're young. Yeah.

Oh, I thought it was a grown man. Oh, no. You're a 17, 18 year old. Drink in the garage as long as you sleep over. It's just some dude drinking in your car. He's tired. He knocks on the door. You're like, come on in. You can sleep on the couch as long as you sleep over. I was laughing so hard at that. Drink in the garage as long as you sleep over. You're gonna make my mustache fall off.

I need another drink, please. I'll drink in the garage. Can you imagine just drinking in the garage until you get sleepy? But I think, look, waterbed, futon, couch.

If you had your preference of three, you're at a party or you're at a party and somebody goes, here are your options, Bert, because I know you're going to throw caution to the wind. I had to sleep in a recliner at Adam Devine's bachelor party. I love a good recliner. It was actually not bad. For three days, it's a little... At some point, you're like, I know where I stand in your friend hierarchy. Yeah. You know, because there were multiple beds around, you know. But couch, futon, water bed. Merry fuck kill. Uh.

Fuck on the waterbed. Yeah. Me and my wife will sleep on the futon. Yeah. But I'm a couch guy. Yeah. I love a couch. A good couch. Never underestimate a good Efron movie or a couch sleep. God. Now, are you napping on the couch or just getting like eight hours? I'm a hardcore napper.

What I like to do is pass out in a recliner, make my way to the bed. Okay. Oh. Yeah. And you can see the spike on my whoop is when I wake up. I don't know if you can say that anymore. Whoop. Oh, easy. We're going to 2025. You want to start there? Oh, my trackable fitness device. Okay. Oh, that's what it is. Okay, great. Sounds like a slur, but yeah. Now, is there a...

Is there something about having multiple hats? Yes. I'm not saying metaphorically. Behind you, you've got multiple hats.

But you're also, what, is there a different hat? You know the same way a girl will pick out shoes? You ever watch Sex and the City, and you're like, man, Sarah Jessica Parker has a great laugh. She got any shoe for any occasion. Yeah. Are you like that way with hats? Do you go, it's a Sunday, but it's Sunday fun day, so I'm putting on my Indiana Jones cap. Can I tell you why I wear hats for real? Other than the fact that I'm losing my hair, and I'm self-conscious, and I don't want to have to do my hair to look good. Skin cancer. Skin cancer.

Okay, it's a protective measure. Yeah, I've had so many friends lose, like I have a friend lose half her nose. From skin cancer? From skin cancer. Leanne just got skin cancer. They took a hole out of her stomach. She okay? I don't know. I never followed up. I think she's good. She's still here. That's wild. I got this hat when I sold out the Boston Garden. What a feeling. Where does that rank in the accomplishment scale? It's okay. We'll fix it in post. The, uh...

Were you so accustomed to selling out arenas? No, no, that was the first... I think that was the first arena I sold out. It was definitely like... Because I had just come back from Europe. It was my first stop on the arena tour. Right. And I walked in in this old, grizzled, like, worker, just like a longshoreman type guy, like a union guy goes...

You sold it to the ceiling, kid. I was like, what? He goes, sold it to the fucking ceiling. You should be proud. Fucking sold it to the ceiling. I just walked away and I went, sold it to the ceiling. Someone goes, yeah, it's sold out. No seats available. And I went, oh, sold it to the ceiling. That's such a cool statement. It's like your little Boston alcoholic guardian angel. Just coming in with a, yeah. I love that. Like Norma Downey.

Touched by an angel. Okay. And what if he was an angel? Could have been. Yeah. Do you believe in that stuff? I got to believe in something. So I don't... I started thinking to myself... I had this conversation. I've said this before, and I know it's crazy, but it's a bit I'm trying to work on. One day it'll figure it out.

I said, I don't believe in death. I go, because what if you just don't believe in death and go, who gives a fuck? Because people already believe in other wilder shit, right? People believe in God. People believe in reincarnation. People believe in all this wild shit. People believe it just goes black. I go, what if you just don't believe in death and then you don't have to worry about dying anymore? Are you looking for something? Yeah, I got a little bit of a... So, sorry to break up your story, but...

I fell out of an Uber pool about a month ago, sprained my ankle, but also, and this is embarrassing to admit on the podcast, fell face down and

Been watching a pretty erotic video in the back. You know, there's no rule against watching porn in the back of an Uber. No, there is not. In an Uber pool, you got to make sure, you know, it's consensual. So, you know, push comes to shove, shove comes to push. I got a little bit of a boner. Stand up, tried to get out in a hurry, tripped, face down on the boner, tried to do a push-up to save myself.

almost cracked my dick in half. So got a little bit of a boner bruise and so a couple of Advil tried to clean that up. But I'm sorry, what was your story? I don't know. Something about believing in Christ or something? Yeah, believing in Christ. I forget how we got on it, but I was trying to... God bless you. I'll take another two of that. I know you just went downstairs, but just a second, yeah? It's some good stuff. I appreciate it. But yeah, so... I love what you're saying, which is death...

is imminent, but it doesn't have to be immediate. Yeah. You don't have to focus on it the way I focus on it. Yeah. I think you make a list of things you want to do. You try to do as many as you can, but you also don't want to fill that list up so much that you go, why am I not leaving space for things just to be added on at some later point in life, right? Spontaneity, I'm big on that. I'll go to McDonald's and I'll order a Big Mac, and then while I'm in line, I'm like,

fuck, maybe I should get a fucking pie. Yeah. Right? Mixing it up. Yeah, no, no. Maybe I should go back in the car, get that fleshlight, and see if I can bargain and pay for this happy meal with my own happy meal. Take your time. Sound it out. I like to go into McDonald's and give them $200 and go surprise me.

Great. I love it. And what do they do? They're always like, huh? I go, just make it feel like 200 bucks. Do you say put this in the register or like pocket this? No, they just go ham. We did it one time. I did it with Ari Shafir, Sean Patton, Mark Norman, Steve Renizzisi, and Ryan O'Neill. And we went to a Del Taco, and they were all talking about what they'd order, and we were all fucking wasted. And I said, guys, let's make it easy. Pull up to the thing. Didn't even order. I just pulled the thing. I gave the guy 200 bucks. I go, surprise us.

Razzle dazzle, baby. And this guy, we ate Del Taco for three days in Salt Lake City. What a dream. God, I fucking love Del Taco. That's the American dream. What's better, Del Taco or Taco Bell? Del Taco, hands down. I had Taco Bell. You want to talk about dreaming. I had Taco Bell in D.C. not too long ago. Went to the Lincoln Monument with my wife, Robin, and she goes, you want to take a picture? I go, no, I get it.

And I also have a dream to not shit my pants in public because of that TB running through me. Bird, it's not real food. And I know people love it. It's so good. It's so good, though. I mean, look, my problem is when you're just fucked up enough, anything will do. Can I tell you where Taco Bell excels? And I've already thought too much about this. God bless you. The texture of their ground beef is so fine. Thank you so much.

that you can't get the same texture of that ground beef. You have to put it in a blender. And I've done it. I've put it in a blender. You put Taco Bell in a blender? No, I put ground beef with taco seasoning in a blender and got it to the texture of Taco Bell's texture. Oh, so fucking good. My mouth is watering. Yeah. Is there something...

If you're on the road, right, and you have a night on the town, and you go, I could have any food right now, would you, but you also have like a private chef at your disposal. You still go fast food? No, I haven't, you know, I haven't had Burger King in probably 10 years. Cool, I used to play the clarinet. Welcome back to Who Gives a Shit. Sorry, that came out real, sorry, it's election day, I'm sensitive. I haven't had McDonald's in quite a while. I haven't had McDonald's probably. This is why your skin looks so good. Since, I haven't had McDonald's since the pandemic. Yeah.

Another Judy Blume book. I haven't had McDonald's since the pandemic. I knew I had one more pop in me. That was it. We might as well wrap this up. What if I just had a rotating joke catalog of Judy Blume play on words? Everyone's like, this guy's a new Carlin. I haven't had...

I have had Taco Bell. I've had Taco Bell a lot. I've had Taco Bell. Taco Bell's my one cheat. I can't not get it. Yeah. Well, they're also open 24-7. I went to a 24-hour fitness once that closed at 11 p.m. I just about shot the place up. Wait, why did they close? How? 20, not...

Yeah, just Hollywood Boulevard. So things, I think just a lot of the freaks want to get home and put their thumb inside somebody. There's no more powerful of a feeling than not giving a fuck. Yeah. When I remember going to a store, and it was an outdoor store, like an outdoor shop. I love going to those on the road. Like an REI type thing, but it was a mom and pop shop. I thought you were just meaning like a store that was outside. I was like, well, all stores are outside, you fucking idiot. No. Yeah.

And so a big outdoors, like outdoors world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got skis and kayaks. It was like more of a mom and pop shop. And I needed to get socks. And I love just going to these places. But I needed to get socks. And it closed at 5. And it was 445. And I got up and the kid locked the door. And I was like, as I got there, he was locking the door. And I went, no, no, no. It's only 445. And he went like this. He goes, I don't care. And he just walked away. And I went, what?

That's the most powerful fucking move I've ever seen in my life. He doesn't give a fuck. It's not his store. He doesn't have anything invested in this. When I worked at Barnes & Noble- You know who that kid was? Tobey Maguire. Tobey Maguire.

Fun fact about Tobey Maguire, and I got five of them. He used to work at an Outdoors World. First day job. Give me more facts about Tobey Maguire. Which one is Tobey Maguire? Spider-Man. Which one? Oh, wait, no. The original, Afraid of Spiders. The original one with the lisp. I got five. Yeah, he's got a lisp. I got five Tobey facts for you. Afraid of Spiders, worked at Outdoors World, allergic to grilled cheese, hates Jews, and grew up in a two-parent household. I know.

I hope. Tobey Maguire's a fan of this shit. He was giggling until he heard hate juice. And he was like, the fuck, man? I said hates juice. Oh, juice. Oh, yeah. Well, that's on you for making it. Hey, that's tonight's Doritos joke of the night. Hates juice. No, hates juice, yeah. There was a girl. There was a girl. There was a girl. God, I wish I remembered the name of this comic. I'm so sorry. Does it still get better? Yes. She said, she said...

We were talking about getting a black eye. Yep. And she goes, I had a black eye one time. Black eye. And her boyfriend goes, what did you say? Oh, shit. She goes, it hurts so bad.

I said, really? She goes, it was so black, it was almost purple. Oh, boy. We were crying, laughing. And he was like, hold on, hold on. She's like, my dad was so pissed when I came home and he saw it. I was like, this is a bit, what was that guy's fucking name? Yeah, that's a great story. Ryan Dalton. Great guy. Ryan Dalton. Great comic. It was Ryan Dalton's girlfriend. It's now his wife. Mazel. Mazel.

Yeah, there's certain play on words like that that can get you into trouble. Yeah. That's why I articulate. Are you a big word guy? When you tell your stories, you know what I mean? Like, do you like to... You know how some people use big words just to sound smart? I use the big words, but I always use them wrong. Yeah. Like, I was using salt of the earth as in, like...

These people they ride the subway. They're salt of the earth. Someone's like what do you mean? You mean like bottom of the barrel? Yeah, yeah, I didn't know salt of the earth is like the good people. Yeah salt of the earth That's like, you know, this guy donated his heart to his cat. He's real salt of the earth. He's a fucking idiot Yeah, that's a bad example. But but yeah like a good guy, you know, this guy helped that old lady You know scored for the first time she was wearing the shirt time to back it up. What was the story about?

Oh, I had a friend one time. We had a friend one time, and he was trying to pick up a chick, and there was this little girl, and they were talking about her needing a heart transplant. Okay. And he leaned in, and he goes, that's why I'm an organ donor, so that I can save a little girl like that. I go, they're not going to give her a 50-year-old's heart. It's fucking huge. You're a grown, obese man. Yeah, that's too much. She's going to be walking around like this. That's funny. Do you know you can donate your eyes? What? Can you donate your eyes? You can donate your eyes.

Wait, why don't they just talk? How do we not have cured blindness then? I mean, I have a lot of questions. First of all, would you be picky if you lost your eyes and your heart and they go, we found a match, but he's a... So you'd have the heart of a... Yeah, I know you could have the heart of a lion, but, you know, or the... I wouldn't want it. You'd say no. I'd say no. You'd say, let me die. Yeah. Yeah.

Because what if that, how about this? What if before he was a pedophile, he donated to charity for like two years straight? Okay, now we're back in. And his eyes, they found from, you know, they arrested him. They did all sorts of tests and scans. Come to find he's got x-ray vision. And what if you have a pedophile's eyes and then you start being attracted to kids? What if it's the eyes? You know, I was in a cover band called Pedophile's Eyes in high school. We sang only Peter Gabriel covers.

All right, that sounded better in my head. Wait, hold on. You can donate your eyes after you die to help others see or to advance medical research. A corneal transplant, yeah. You can donate your fucking eyes. You can donate anything. And no one should be blind then. Nobody should be blind. Everyone that dies should be donating their eyes. And then what if you, is it bad? Do you think it's white privilege if I got, if I took some, I donated, if I got eyes, you know what I'm trying to say? No. If I was just...

If you want me to be honest on this show, I'm going to tell you the truth. What if I just wanted prettier eyes? Okay. I don't think they'll... You're not a match. Those are beautiful. Can I get those? Whose eyes would you want? Chris Hemsworth? No, I want green eyes.

I already have beautiful eyes. They're pretty good. I have beautiful eyes. Well, I judge not a book by its cover, but by the inside of the book, you know? And so what I mean by that is, unless the book is titled, you know, Nazis are pretty cool, actually, then I judge the cover pretty hard. You judge a book not by its cover, but by the inside of the book. Sure. So the book, I guess, is another way to phrase that. You open a book and it says...

top 100 you're like what is this book about well sure yeah you're not gonna read two chapters of that okay judy bloom table for one so but i think swapping out your eyes for better eyes is a pretty that's you know it's not white privilege i think it's you can donate anything time eyes money right don't donate money

I stopped that. Or I stopped talking about it. Yeah. I used to talk about it. You could take advantage of it. Because it's like, what's the point of donating money if you don't share with people that you donated money? And then what happens is then they go, you could have donated more. Right. And you're like, fuck. I also like to go to the source, right? If I'm going to give a charity 500K, I'd rather just go to the place, take them all out to Hooters, right? Go to the store.

get their kids all a PlayStation, but then come in the middle of the night and steal the PlayStation so they learn about hard work and perspective. Oh, I like that. Yeah, I'm a big give and take guy. Do you shoplift? Oh, and I've also never seen squirting in my living room. Yeah, of course I shoplift. You know how expensive bacon and deodorant is?

You ever go into a grocery store like a Vons and they're like eight bucks for some Axe body spray. And you're like, I mean, I love the smell of wolf thorn, but. Do you know what I do? I go in. I used to, I've done this. I used to do this all the time in college. What do you do? I go in and grab the deodorant and I go to, if there was someone in the hall, I go, I just got to see if I'm allergic to it. Great. And they're like, okay. And so I go. Shh.

I go, oh, no. I go, I think, ow, ow, oh, God, I can't. I'd walk out of the store. Meanwhile, you're walking into your next adventure smelling like a fucking dandelion, right? Fucking roses. The Rock has his own line of, that's crazy. Papatouli. Do you know my partner, Tom Segura? Oh, yeah, last time I was on the show in Austin with you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Went to a strip club after, remember? We did go to a strip club after.

They let me dance on stage. It was a fun fucking night. It was great. We have a vodka together. And do you know what the next line is that everyone's getting investing in? What? Deodorant and soaps. Jake Paul, The Rock, and...

Everyone's going to have their own deodorant and their own soaps out. The Rock's got Papa Tui. I just put it on. Pretty good. Do you know The Rock? Very well. Really? Yeah. Do you call him Dwayne? I call him Dwayne. DJ. Fun stuff. Fun stuff. Cool guy. Right? You know, we got the same head shape. The same body, too. You know, you can't tell from the suit I'm wearing, but we work out at the same curves. And...

I like to keep company around that inspires me and gets me fired up, you know, and, you know, I'll watch him eating pancakes, but then still rocking a six pack. Hell yeah. And, uh, and that, that gets me juiced up. I also like, I'm a big, uh, I'm not a, I'm a big outdoorsy guy, but, uh, but I haven't spent a lot of time outdoors. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I mostly go to outdoor shops. So yeah, I'd love to like, I see him fishing. I'm like, I love to just fucking, I love to just fuck it, but I love to do it. I'd like to take things up a notch. So if I got to go fish with the rock, he'd be like, here, grab your, grab your, you know, again, I don't do voices, but he'd go, you know, grab your boy, you know, grab your pole, you know, and then I'd grab my pole, but I'm back, you know, maybe I'll just put my fucking hand in the water and see who wants to come take a nibble, you know, cause I got some tasty fingers. You're going to ask my prom date.

She wouldn't fuck me, but she sucked on everything else except my penis. Don't cancel me. Shout out to Dana, by the way. But there's a time and a place to celebrate your friends. And I have this Netflix special coming out. Oh, tell me about the Netflix special. November 19th, Doctor Who live Netflix special. Some big surprises. Myself...

Another Dr. Phil. The real Phil, arguably. Arguably? I don't know how to do this, but a couple... I was curious about how to promote it without breaking the fourth wall. Did the real Phil at one point go, you know I used to do this without you? He definitely came on at one point. I go, it's good to see you, Phil. He goes, I go, I'm glad you're here. He goes, I'm sure you are. Right?

He goes, I'm sure this is exactly how you plan this shit. He fucking ripped it up. It was a good time. It was him, myself, Patton Oswalt, Jay Pharoah, Joe Gatto, and it's on Netflix November 19th. Because, you know, we do this show at the Comedy Store once a month. Now we're on a big theater tour, right? Doing big theater. Chicago Theater, Celebrity Theater, Beacon Theater on November 15th. We've got sold-out shows in March and February of 2025. I heard you're doing a big show at the Super Bowl this year. I don't think it's been announced yet, but I've heard –

I've heard rumors. There's rumors that I'm going to – because I'm a big sports guy. I follow Travis Kelsey on LinkedIn. Who would you like to – if you could interview someone at the Super Bowl, who would you want to interview? Rob Gronkowski and Joe Montana. Because Joe Montana and I are Eskimo brothers.

Really? He doesn't know that, but I'm about to blow his mind with a couple of tweets. But there's Rob Gronkowski. You know, that might be the sweetest guy I've ever seen, but also fearless. I did the roast of Big Papi with Rob Gronkowski in 2016. It was Bill Burr, Anthony Mackie.

Rob Gronkowski, Dustin Pedroia, and myself. And I was there. Well, I went there to watch. Comedian Adam Ray was on the dais. I went to watch as a plus one for, who was it? Not Pitbull. There's a guy. I'm friends with a guy who's friends with Pitbull. Dan? Anyway, he invited me and...

I went and it was wild because Gronkowski's up there. Josh Wolfe was there too. And Rob Gronkowski, I saw him asking Adam Ray pre-show, hey, I got this joke about titty fucking Josh Wolfe's wife after I shit on her chest. And I heard Adam say, I don't know how that's going to go over, but trust your instincts. And Rob opened with it. He did. And it bombed. And everybody laughed. Yeah.

And then he, Rob, gets up there and goes, so I was backstage fucking tooting fucking Joshua's girlfriend after I shit on her chest. Nobody laughed. Then Rob goes, fuck you guys. I thought it was funny. Which made everyone laugh even harder. He was the funniest guy at the Tom Brady roast because he would misread his thing and it would be even funnier. He is the fucking, he is. He's lackable. You want to be lackable when you're on stage. You don't want to be stupid, but you want to be affable. Classically trained pianist.

No, he's a big math guy. And I don't believe that. But he's a huge math guy. OK, that's what Julian Edelman told me. Huge math guy, proficient in the violin, classically trained pianist, you know, guilty until proven innocent. Can you play any instruments? Guitar, pan flute, harp, bass, clarinet, alto sax, half a drum kit, trumpet, trombone.

Is that enough for you, Mozart? No, that's good. That's good. That's good. I do want to, I can play the guitar kind of. Where are we in time right now, by the way? We're done. Okay, well. Can you play a song? So I've got, I wrote a song for you. You wrote a song for me? You turned 52-48, and I wrote a song. I've been taking guitar lessons with John Mayer for about three days, okay? Really? I didn't know anything until then. Thanks, brother. You got a pick for me as well? Yep.

Of course. Oh, yeah, right there. God bless you. And John Mayer told me, I said, hey, what's the best, you know, it looks cool to put the strap on, but when you don't size it up right, you look like you're about to strangle yourself. You look like you're wearing kids clothes.

We'll keep her out of here. I'm going to take my phone out. That's what she said. And videotape, not videotape, but I want to get some lyrics up here. I took a little bit of time. John told me, he goes, hey, you want to act like you're having a good time. John, you've seen John in concert. Every time he sings, he's living it up. Move your strap up.

John Mayer. I saw John Mayer. I got to give him a shout out. I saw him with Dead and Company. Yeah, incredible. Maybe the best show I've ever seen. And I've seen Andy Lennox live. Really? Yeah. He had a broken... This finger was broken. And he played three hours.

Without one finger and didn't miss a fucking beat. He is amazing. He's incredible. He might be the best guitar player I've ever seen. And I would love to smell his fingers, too, just to see what's going on there. But that's a Judy Blume book. Do you know what John Mayer's fingers smell like? It's me, Margaret. All right, so I wrote a...

I wrote a birthday song for you, okay? Never played it live. Didn't even rehearse it. Just wrote it. But here we go. Okay. You good? Can you hear me still? Okay, great. You know how every song has like an intro? Yeah, yeah. Ooh, long time ago, November 3rd, 1972. Man came inside a woman and a baby grew.

Not only did he grow, but he matured into a man With a zest for life, a liver for booze, and a fun as fuck game plan

Tampa Bay, don't you say, is where it all begun. Found comedy, a hot ass wife took his shirt off just for fun. He's entertained the world for over 30 years. He's probably also shit his pants from all the midnight beers. The most infectious laugh can be a cure when you are sick.

He went keto in a speedo so he could finally see his dick. Father of the year and too much self-esteem. But you know you've done it right if you're friends with the machine. So happy birthday Bert. You deserve it all and all the best. Except for Caitlyn Jenner. You've got my favorite chest.

So spark one up, burn one down, shed a tear if you're gay. And wish the legend Bertie Bert a happy birthday. So call your dad, wash your butt, and listen to the fray. It's happy hour all the time on Bert Kreischer's birthday. It's happy hour all the time on Bert Kreischer's birthday. It's happy hour all the time.

On Birdcrasher's birthday. Wow. Wow.

You, you are so fucking talented. Appreciate you. You really are, man. I'm like fucking blown away. I cannot wait for this fucking special. I cannot wait for it. November 19th, it's going to be a blast. And of course, we'll have you on the theater tour. Please, please. Anytime you want to come out. We were talking about maybe doing something in Vegas, January. Yeah, we booked that up, but thanks for trying. No, yeah, Vegas, January. If you can, anything you got time for, bring your buddies on the table. I can't wait. We'll toss them into the crowd. Appreciate it. Happy birthday.

Dude, I love you to death. I love you too. Here's to another 48. Another 48. Shave your head, your back, your pussy, and your crack. We'll be right back. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.