Double Team w/ KFC Radio | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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It's time to double up. That's what we decided to do today. Double up. Double team. Double team. It's here at KFC Radio times two bears. There's four of us. Is four people a gangbang? 100%.

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Oh, no. It's a hardcore train. It's a foursome. Well, the train is if you... The train is like you have to do it in a train. You know what I mean? Like, one after another. That's what makes it a train. Yeah, it's a train. Hold on. You're standing behind a dude hard? Yeah. Going like, I'm next? And not only that, you're stroking your dick. Yeah. You could be, like, smacking your dick on her foot if you want. Yeah. Have you been on a train? You speak from knowledge. Yeah.

I don't know, just off the top of my head. That's something someone would do. Have you been in a train? No, no, no, no. I've seen them, though. I don't think I could. No. Have you done threesomes, foursomes? No. Me and a buddy one time were like... No, it didn't end up happening, but there was a girl who was like, I want you two to DP me. And we were like...

Fuck yes! We were probably like 20. And we spent the entire summer trying to get her to come back to Newport. We're like, "We'll pay, whatever, come on down!" And she never came back. Wait, DP, that's dick and puss- two dicks and her pussy? No! Jesus Christ! Bro, what?! Dude! Wait, what is that? Just double penetration. It's a one in the butt, one in the pussy.

Yeah. Yeah. But you know what the thing is, is that that skin between the two is really thin. So you really feel the other guy's dick. You're slapping balls. It's crazy. What if that's your thing? All of a sudden you feel his dick rubbing your dick. Yeah. And you're like, oh, that's the thing I love. That's the move. Yeah. Fuck. Fuck.

That would be the worst thing imaginable. Imagine that, like, well, this is what I got to do now. You just accept that that's who you are. And hopefully your friends understand. That's why I don't try heroin. What's the best drug you ever had? I did Dilaudid. Oh, sorry. But it was when I fell off a waterfall. And I said, I'm going to write a poem as you give it to me because that's what you do.

And so... Wait, what? He was thinking of the great songwriters. Yeah, I'm like, Kurt Cobain wrote a bunch of great songs. I'm gonna see if I can bang out a fucking one-hit wonder, fucking make my million, and then tap out, in and out, baby, like a bank robbery. Like the town. And so my poem was, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. This feels so good. My face is hot. My face is hot. It is so awesome. Yeah, yeah. That's a good song. You know what? That would be a hit on TikTok these days. It would go viral for that shit. If the video existed, it would have a hundred million views. Burlick laying in a waterfall with a broken back. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I'm on heroin. Fuck.

He saw me get dilaudid. It was the best. The problem with me is I have to match your story with one of my stories. There was a dude who fell off a cliff and he was in a wheelchair and he was telling me a story and I go, I fell off a waterfall one time and he was like, did you get paralyzed? I was like, nope. Then I don't think your story beats mine. Yeah.

You still probably were like, yeah, but it really hurt. I was like, you haven't heard my struggle of getting out of that gravy. I think last time when you guys were on the show, we were talking about Dilaudid. That's right. That's right. We just did your show. Yeah. There's a lot of drinking that week. Speaking of which, let's find that dog that pissed in my mouth last night and have a little bit of its hair.

You never know with Bird. It might be a true story. Alright, let's really go viral. I was told by a friend that I don't prepare for podcasts. A friend? A friend who might have some podcasting experience? Let's find out. Last night was your first night meeting Joe Rogan. I would like first impressions because Tom and I know him very well. I use this

I use this analogy a lot. He's a little bit like a great white shark. Like, when you see him, and you're like, oh, fuck, that's Rogan. Like, everyone does it. Big time. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And so I am curious to see your insights of hanging out. You guys hung out with him last night. First of all, just a great dude. Like, a very, very gracious and humble, nice guy. But, I mean, within five minutes, he's talking about LSU.

Elk meat and, and, you know, a surgery to be able to run an ultra marathon and a red light collagen treatment for your skin. And I was like,

This motherfucker, that's what he talks about. Yeah, he's the real deal. And not that I ever thought it was a shtick or anything that he was putting on for the show, but knowing... I'll take one. You want to pour it out? We'll do a little bit. He cleaned his life up like I did, but the old Johnny was a fucking mess. Was a fucking mess. I remember, dude. I always said, you're the machine. We all know it. I was like, I know a guy who can go toe-to-toe with pretty much anybody.

His energy is infectious. Rogan, yeah. No, no, no. Oh, okay. No, Rogan's energy is really infectious. You know...

It's fun to watch. I really love bringing people to introduce him to him. It would be a weird situation if I didn't have you to introduce. I would never want to just roll up and say I'm a fan. Getting a little in on that made a difference. The fact that he was so genuine. Whether he's on the mic and making money talking about this or doing it for free, he talks about that shit. It's the life he lives, dude. He's just talking about the life he lives. He's one life.

All the money, all the friends, all the opportunities, all the fun, and it's not like he has to go to work and be like, all right, today I got to talk about MMA. He likes it. He loves it. Let's trash him a little bit because there are parts of him that are exhausting. Like when he... Oh, fucking Tommy! Jesus. Napkin? I'm sorry.

Like when he tells you to stop working and he goes, you need to slow down. And you realize he works at a faster clip than anyone. He works nonstop. He wakes up at 6 in the morning, is in the sauna, in the polar plunge, stretching, stretching. He was saying that. He was like, you know, sometimes you can take on too much. And I was like, bro, you take on everything. He takes on everything. He takes on everything. But that's what it's also like, oh, don't get it twisted. Yeah.

I'm better at using this. So, you know, you should slow down. I'm good. Yeah. He, I think his thing mainly with me has always been my health. Yeah. Cause he looks, I, it must be exhausting to look at me and go, you're like in your hem and all you care about is longevity and health and go, you're just dying.

I've seen it with other people where you see it now. You can see it now when people are dying and you go, oh, that's not a good look. That's not what you want. But how happy were you last night to tell them that you had a good clean bill of health? That was great. You were like, I've been waiting to fucking tell you this. I'm

I'm perfect. And Joe really was, he was like, "Hmm, okay, alright." Like, goddammit. He knows that Bert's an anomaly though. He's always like, "There's something about that guy." He says it in a very genuine, he goes, "And he really is better than he should be, I don't know how." Cheers boys, congratulations to what sounds like the most successful liquor drop of all time. Cheers brother. Really though, congratulations, this is awesome.

It is a fucking delicious vodka. It's a good vodka. It's a good vodka. Now, what did you think of Rogan? I did. So Rogan. Because you did a little bit of like, you swam back into the cage a couple times. You got out of the cage with the great white and you were like, I want to see how close I can get to it. And you ponied up next to him. And you swam back into the cage and I go, where are you going? And you're like, I don't know. Well, it was. So first of all, like.

We had a buddy who told us, he's like, I was just about to leave and I saw Rogan coming, so I came back in. So I was aware Rogan was in the building. And I'm not not a Rogan fan, but I don't listen to the podcast, so I'm not a super fan either. But being in the building with him, you immediately become a super fan. I was instantly like, where is he? Where is he? Where is he? My eyes were darting the whole time. And I finally saw Kevin. I was like, wait, Kevin. Wait, that's Joe Rogan next to him. And...

our producers, Paz and Jackie, were like, go talk to him. And I was like, no, I'm not going to do that. That'd be crazy to just go interrupt Tom, Bert, Kevin. I'm not going to do that.

And then we kept being like, yeah, let's not go over. That's crazy. And then we just kept inching and inching. And five minutes later, we're like, why are we close? Does he have a wake? Like, what is pulling us into the Rogan gravity? It was like hot girl energy. I blinked. I was like, I'm standing next to him. What the fuck? How'd this happen? But then when, when I finally got there, the,

what he was talking about was, I was like, my mind was blown because he was just like, I could overhear a little bit him just being like, and his forearms, he's got big forearms. Oh, yeah. He's talking about Steve Garvey. Steve Garvey. And he's like, he had a picture up. He's like, look at these things. They punch a hole right in your head. How you doing on them, Joe? This is what Joe Rogan's talking about right now.

about right now? Yeah, he's like, that guy is built to fuck you up. He's got a frame like an MMA guy. I told Shannon Sharp the same thing. I was like, that's crazy. Specifically Google forearms. Steve Garvey forearms and there's that one picture where he's like, that went all the way on the right. All the way on the right.

That's what Joey's showing us. Look at those fucking forearms. By the way, he's running for office in California, and you got my vote, Steve. That's Joe's lock screen right there. Garvey folding that back. I thought I was like, that's got to be fake or whatever. You look at all his pictures. He's hairy. He looks like an abominable snowman. It's a Yeti. I told, when I met Steve Garvey, I think I told you guys this last night, and I said to him,

My friend growing up, his mom dated you in high school. And he went, who? And I said her name. And he went, hmm. You know, I get mixed up with Steve Harvey a lot. And I went, I think I would remember if she said Steve Harvey. Yeah.

That would be a very different story. People always confuse me for Steve Ackroyd. So he didn't remember, though? No, he didn't remember her. But here's the thing about those guys. Baseball players, so much pussy. Well, you're on the road. Yeah, 180 fucking games. 162? No, 162, and you're on the road for 81 of them. Right. And he's thinking of decades of pussy. He's like, Shannon. Yeah.

I don't know. Have you ever heard the Mulaney bit about Clinton?

No. When he's talking about when he was a kid and Clinton was running for election and his mom had gone to college with Clinton and she was like, I want to see if he remembers me. And he's telling the story how she pushes up this little John Wayne in order to get to Bill Clinton and Clinton sees her and whatever. Hello, Shannon. And he goes, because Clinton never forgets a bitch. Yeah.

He just eats you swallows. He doesn't forget the ones that swallow. I believe that he would remember, too. He has that type of charisma. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. That's why he's Clinton. He winks at you, shakes hands, kisses babies, and makes you feel like the most... I remember that thing he used to do with my balls. He moves on to the next person, and you're like, oh my God, he remembers.

Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero launch box, superhero pack.

But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon, spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else.

I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. You know what's interesting is, I'm not calling anyone out, but some guy came up to Joe and told him about a meeting he had with Joe about investing in one of Joe's companies or something. At the party? I watched Joe go blank.

And the guy starts to walk away. He's a fucking liar. I've never met him. I've never met him. And I was like, Joe's the kind of guy that remembers who he's met and who he hasn't met. My favorite. And once again, you know I love you, John. You know I love you. John, Sessasari, my buddy. I always fuck his last name up. Until right now, I'm thinking about me. I know it's a tough last name, but it's not Sessasari. Yeah.

The big guy. The big dude, yeah. Is it Sessasari? I think it's Sessasari. Sessasari. Sessasari? You pull him up. Ooh, 1313. Say a prayer. Is that a thing? Yeah. Oh, my brain is broken. My brain is so broken. He's there last night and he goes, and I said... Yeah, yeah. Which one is it? He's... Yeah. Yeah.

No. You had it in the search. It was auto-correcting for you. That's it. Nope. Instagram. Anyway, he's... Notre Dame. Yeah, Notre Dame. He played for Notre Dame. He's a fucking... No, not author. Notre Dame. Yeah, yeah, that's him. That's him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's a big personality. I love the guy. Sarasani. Sarasani.

Sarasani. John Sarasani. He's on Instagram. Give him a follow. He's fun as fuck. I love hanging out with him because he's a big energy. He's got your energy. He's got my energy. And I love it. And he said...

I said, Rogan's coming by. He goes, I can't wait to meet him. I said, hold on, let me introduce you to him. He goes, no, I'm good. I went, no, no, no, no. Let me introduce you to him. And then as you watch people introduce themselves to Joe, no one does it well. No one does it well because the move is just stand there. Wait for him to say hi to you. And then he'll be generous with his time. But the fucking people that earbeat him, like they could just go up. As his friend, you feel protective of his time because you're like,

Watching some bitch just... I watched this chick roll in last night and was like... Some bitch. And she was like... Aliens? And you're like, you... Yo, the ball's on some people, right? Like, just...

Someone, like you said, be very cognizant of their time. You know what I mean? There's a weird thing of super famous, though. Yeah, where people just kind of lose their mind over it. There's all these stories now. Because you get it. We know Joe, and we've been around. You think everything's normal, and then someone spots him, and you're like, oh, shit, he's super famous. You forget. Then there's stories like all these Michael Jordan stories are insane of how he's like, I don't give a fuck who you are to people like that.

Have you seen the chameleon air story? No. Dude, he's chameleon air. So he's a pretty well-known rapper. Is at a party and like, you know, some whatever event, probably like last night. And he walks around in this back room. There's like a Derek Jeter and a couple like big time, you know, former basketball players and MJ and,

And so he walks up and he's like, "What's up?" And said, Jordan was like, "Fuck off." And then he's like, "Oh no, I'm a chameleon." He's like, "I don't give a shit who the fuck you are." And so he's like, "I have a jersey of yours that I got at an auction. I would love if you sign it." And he said, Jordan was like, "Do you have $25,000?"

And that the friends were like, no, no, no. Like, he's cool. Like, this is chameleon. He's cool. He's like, I don't give a fuck. You have $25,000. And then he's like, go get $25,000. I'll sign your shit. Gangster. Get the fuck out of here. Gangster. But like, part of you goes like, that's crazy. But then part of you has to think like, yeah, but what's it really like?

to be anywhere and be Michael Jordan. Because that's happened to him like a billion times from everybody. So eventually you go, give me 25K. Dude, I was just at dinner in Miami and I was sitting next to David Ortiz and I was like,

I was like, it was actually very cool because no one was talking to him. And I was like, that's pretty sick that like everyone's giving Poppy his time. Yeah. And then we happened to both be in the bathroom at the same time. And in the bathroom, it was insane. It was like, it was like people were just waiting for him to get up from his table. Yeah. And he was, he was the opposite. He was incredibly, people ask him to take selfies while he was like taking a piss. He's like, he's like, come on in.

People were yelling, they're like, fucking go Yankees. He's like, shut the fuck up. And it was the exact opposite of that situation. But I was thinking exactly that while we were at dinner. I was like, it's crazy that no one's bothering him right now. But then in the bathroom, it's like, I guess once you get to your feet. What's crazy is that Joe's still in the cut.

Like, he still hangs. When I saw that setup, I was like, Rogel's not coming here. It's going to be a fucking frenzy if he walks in. He closed the bar down. He closed the bar. Shane Gillis helps when he's like, one more drink. I was blacked out at that point. Leanne had pulled the plug on me. She was like, you're done. How many zins are in your mouth?

She's like, come on, I got three burgers. Let's go home and fuck. And I was like... And then Shane's like, one more drink. I love that energy. I love that energy. I love when someone's like, one more. That's why I love Gillis. You can tempt him into drinking and he can tempt me into... I love it. It's like...

Dude, when we had to leave, we were on our way out the door. What are they laughing at? I think they're just laughing at the fact that you don't really need to be tempted. Tempted to drink. We were getting up to do our show before this, and we knew we were doing that, so it was like 1 o'clock. We're like, we got to go. And I was like,

I'm afraid to tell Shane we're leaving because I know he's going to be like, you pussy, stay and have another one. We're going to stay and have another one. Shane's like the guy in high school that hasn't found pussy yet.

Like he's the guy that just is about the bros. The best stuff. And he's like, bro, what do you mean you're going to fucking Beach Week? We got two days. Dude. Dude, that reminds me of the age old question. And everyone always has the right answer. But one of our coworkers once asked us for like say a genie comes down and he's like, you can only do one of two things for the rest of your life. You can make women come or you can make your homies laugh. Wow. What are you choosing? Whoa. Yeah.

Yo, you gotta take no means. Come on. You know, I've spent a very solid part of our relationship not making a man come and not knowing it. And being very cool with it, actually. Being like, well, it's about me. She just likes it being in her, I guess. She hates it, but you're good, so whatever. I talked to an investor last night, and he goes, your vodka's good. And I regret, and I kept saying it. I couldn't shut my mouth. I go, buddy...

Malcolm Gladwell says you have to put your 10,000 hours in. Well, I put my 10,000 hours in two things. Drinking vodka and eating pussy. I go, let me introduce you to my wife. And everyone was like, oh. Well, I don't know about that one, but we did say on our show earlier today, you might be the greatest introducer of all time.

You might be better at introducing people than anybody is than Jordan at basketball. And also, it's because you're lying. He introduced us to a couple billionaires and he was like, these guys have the biggest podcast on the planet. They're movie stars. I was like,

Okay, how are you, man? Nice to meet you. I've seen this many times. I know exactly what you mean. It does make you feel good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's really good. You walk away believing him. I think he's right. I think we are movie stars. I love the Chicago Bulls intro music as I meet someone. They go, hey, can I introduce you to a friend? And then I hear, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Burr.

Chrysler! And I'm like, very good to meet you. Have I shown you my stomach? From North Carolina!

Carolina! Six pussies! We were talking about our balance because even this trip was you texted both of us Don't fucking pussy sip it. I know what you're doing. Listen you little fucking When you pussy sip it I've been there where you're like, oh I'll just have a drink and then you go, but I'm not really drinking. When you're with the boys you have a drink. Kevin You're right. Cheers. Cheers.

I'm actually, I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm doing all right. Well, you have work to do. I told him today on our show, I was like, I'm so grateful for you because when we got the text, I was very happy to be invited. But I was like, I don't know if we're going to fly in for one night to party. And he was like, let's go. We're going. You know, like these guys have been great to us. We're going. And I was like, fuck yeah, we're doing it. And then when we get there, so he makes me,

go to do things and then I'm getting people's numbers and I'll be the one who follow up and text and have them come on the show and all that so it's like he makes me come to the building and then I'll do all the follow up work and it's like that's the only way we work together otherwise we would just bumze

Bums at home. He's the fucking 19-year-old hanging out at the high school selling weed. You're the guy bringing in the packages. It works. And by the way, there's a reason we're sitting like this. I'll say this, though. I had no idea you guys were going to be there, but that is also the magic of Bert, is that he'll just like, yeah.

I texted all my friends who live in different parts of the country. And you're like, you invited them to this? He's like, yeah. My mind is like, these guys live in New York. Right. You're not fucking coming down here. I would never think to invite somebody to fly down here. Ever. It was the second we saw that text. I was like, of course we're going to this. You know, I want to...

Sometimes I feel underappreciated. Not today. Not today. I have theme music today. I've been walking around with theme music. Just so amazing, you know. I did one of the coolest things in the world that any dude's going to do for their friends. I did.

when I surprised you guys and flew you to Amsterdam. You know that story, right, Tommy? Yes, I do. And I feel like you should be appreciated for it. Oh, no, no. I got my appreciation last night. And I say this in like,

It never went viral the way I thought it should. And that never was repaid with other people the way I thought it should. Like, I thought it should be a thing dudes do. And you know, I did it because you do it to your friends, not at the last minute, but Tom flies out friends. He grew up with, he's like, yo, I'm at the United center for two shows. It's fucking big. Why don't you come out? We'll have dinner.

We'll spend some time together. That's awesome. It's Tom's brain. Of course, I go, how do I monetize that? And so I go apply to his internet. How do I get worldwide appreciation? It's insane. It's insane. The internet did not worship me properly. They did not worship me properly. Well, we did Habitat for Humanity. He's like, I want my fucking name on a folder.

You would be a great dictator. Like, dear leader, where they make you cry for a month if you die. You would be perfect. It's one of his fantasies. It's a hardcore one of my fantasies. I get that. I've gone home with dinner once where I had a bag of extra food, and I was walking with a girl, and I was like, I'm going to give it to a homeless person. She's like, oh, there's one. And I was like, he's asleep.

He's like, so just leave it in front of him. I was like, well, he's not going to say thank you. That's crazy. I got to wake him up. I kept it. I was like, I'll find the guy who's awake and he's going to appreciate me properly for my half a chicken roast. My flowers came last night when I said, hey, Joe, can I introduce you to two guys? And he said, sure.

And I said, it's Kevin and John. They have a great fucking podcast. Bring you over. You guys say hi. And he's like... And then privately, I'm talking to him. And I was like, you know, those are... They really have their finger on the pulse of, like, funny comics. Like, if there's a comic on their show, it's a fucking legit comic. They really know comedy and this and that. And he's like, how do you know them? And I said, you know, I really don't know. But...

This is why I love them. I said I texted them with 24 hours notice to fly to Amsterdam last year. And Joe's like, what?

And I got my flowers for that whole trip in Rogan going, hold on, wait, what do you mean? I said, buddy, 24 hours notice. I said, I'm going to text you. You have to show up at the airport. You don't know where you're going until you get there. And I flew into the master room. He's like, shut the fuck up. And I was like, and he goes, how was it? And I was like, it ended with us and the dude from Entourage at Flying Dildos getting face fucked by fucking pussies. And Joe's like. Bro, I got ass fucked by a shoe. Yeah, you did. Ass fucked.

Ask the mouth. Ask the mouth. Ask the mouth. But the best is Joe goes, who from Entourage? And I was like, this is perfect. It was all the payoff I needed for that trip for Joe to go, 24 hours and they did it? Shut the fuck up. Who from Entourage? I want to make sure you know how much we appreciate that. I know that. We've said thank you a million times before, but it truly was.

one of the most baller moves ever. Like, that's the shit you should do when you got money and made it and have opportunities. But, you know, a lot of people don't do it. That was so fucking awesome. It was so... It was...

maybe one of the funner days of my life because it was also Winston Churchill Day. And it was Chinese New Year's. We all were dressed up and red and everything. If I could live that day over again, I'd do it again. Like my Groundhog Day, that was fucking fun. Mark blacked out on mushrooms and then we found him in a canal. When he came back, it was incredible. Tom, what is it about you that doesn't make you want to live a fun life? Laughter

Because you, like, when you get Tom loose, it's the funnest. It's the funnest. Like, when you see the... And these are the words. Do you want to go upstairs and have a cigar? Like, that's when you know Tom is ready to cover his...

Into Tom's things you he doesn't like the things that you you know what I mean if you do shit He doesn't like he's not gonna get excited for it. Oh fucking if you say hey I got a guy who says we can drive Lamborghini right track that's hard. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah, I do like that It's hard to know I know the I was gonna say I I use another I am so not good

At spending money at all. I was on a story recently where I was talking to a financial advisor and he was like, so what's your five year plan? And I was like, I don't have one. And he's like, well, what do you need the money for? And I was like, well, I guess I don't need it.

And he was like, so what do you want me to do with it? I was like, I don't know. I guess I don't really care what you do. That's pretty amazing. Listen to this. One time, like the very first time we ever even like talked to an agent, they were like, what's the lowest you'll go? Like, what's like the lowest point for your salary as we go into this negotiation? John goes...

I don't know, like half of what I'm making now. And he was like, we're not going to go lower, dude. Are you crazy? He's like, what would be your hard no? And I was like, if they cut my salary in half, I'd definitely be pretty pissed.

We are the worst fucking businessmen on the planet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah, one more, one more, one more. He benched 135 42 times. 42 times. Jesus Christ. Bro, the only person who can... We do an NFL combine at Barstool. I love what Barstool's doing, by the way. I love what Barstool's doing. 42? Dude, it was nuts. It was crazy. We've done it three times now. We did one...

12 years ago, whatever it was. It was me, Portnoy, and Big Cat, just the three of us. And then we had one, like, five years ago when the company got bigger. And now we did, like, a real official one in our new Chicago office. We had all the right equipment and everything. And, you know, Will Compton is on the roster. And so he's, like, we're all, like, thinking...

he's probably going to win the fucking combine, you know? But I was like, I don't know. My guy's got to give him a run for his money. And I think it took Will every ounce of his being to beat Feidelberg at 43. But I was like, yeah, he's also just coming off of a fucking NFL career. My guy here is just a regular dude. And you realize he went into a dark place to get 43. Oh, yeah.

There was a door in his head that it was like, you can't fucking let a regular person fucking do it. I think if I went after him, I think it was whoever went last wins. Yeah, I could have seen that. Because I went first. I hit 42. I think he hit 43. If he hit 43, I was hitting 44. And I don't want to hate on the boy, but some of those reps were a little short.

Wow. My man was going, Fuddleburg was going chest to elbows locked. I'm just saying. But I mean, he was tossing that weight. People who say lock it out or people who say that's not a full pushup, go all the way up, are the same as Holocaust deniers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Shut your fucking mouth. I don't want to hear it. I don't care what the numbers are. Six million. Let's just say six million. Fucking six million. That's enough. All right? They killed some. You have to admit, they killed some. A bunch. Yeah.

Full extension. Same thing. Full extension. Exactly the same as the combine, man. That is crazy. So I'm curious about this because, like, Big Cat's a big dude. Like, if he gets after it. But he's not in good shape. I know. I know. But, like. He was. When he first started, he used to do CrossFit. I was going to say. He was, like, very fit. And I remember all of us were like,

Well, that's... We don't do that around here. I think we heard the name Big Cat from Chicago and we just pictured, like, fucking an SNL character. And I remember the first time seeing Dan, I was like, ah, damn, he's in, like, shape and shit. Fuck that. But I remember we did say, like...

Because at this point, we're not doing podcasts. We're not doing videos. We are literally just blogging from home, posting pictures of celebrity girls' asses and just dick jokes and shit. And we were like, give it some time. Give it some time. And within a few months, he fell into the blogger lifestyle pretty quickly. He's eating hot dogs every meal. You know why? He's pretty. He's too pretty. And pretty guys, pretty boys, their stomachs fall apart.

He's a pretty boy. He's a pretty boy. Is that you making excuses for yourself? I'm sorry I was too fucking hot when I was a kid. No, no, no. Listen, my problem was me. But Big Cat's a strikingly attractive man. Jesus Christ. He's a good-looking man. Are you going to fuck Dan? What's going on? He's got very pretty eyes. I was going to say, the eyes are beautiful. He's a gorgeous dude. Let Dan hear it. Tell him. Dan. Take camera. Hey, Dan. You are...

Good-looking if you had been my bracket when we fucked people I'd let you come inside me before oh kill a cam. Oh my god. Oh wait Did you guys not do you guys not cool gay shit? Oh, please okay? So but the problem with good-looking guys is there is? Sometimes they ignore their bodies or face then when they put on a shirt right the face is gonna do the work Yeah, and this is the moneymaker. This is the moneymaker. I the jawline still there. I'm rocking a mustache good eyes good hairline um

I can throw on glasses. Everyone thinks I read. And that's what happens to pretty boys is their body falls apart. I get that makes, honestly, you really landed that plane. What is he talking about? I deserve a fucking potty for this podcast. I'm killing it today. The Holocaust analogy is the best analogy I've ever come up with in my life.

It's a lot like bench reps. Lock it out. Here's a good one that we just did the other day for you, Bert. I think you'll like this. If you could bring back someone from the dead and have sex with them, who would it be?

We think there's a right answer for me. I didn't know sex was going to be part of it. I was just going to say my grandma. I was like, thank God I didn't fucking answer that question. That's my answer. Your grandmother. My grandmother. And fuck her. If I could bring someone back from the dead and fuck her. Or him. I believe there's an actual correct answer for women and gay men.

I have my goat list is Jackie O.

Fidelberg went down the same road. A similar road. Dude. First ladies. First ladies. I had Nancy Reagan. Fights with Nancy Reagan. The throat gate. You know that story? I've heard. No, no, no. Tell everyone who doesn't know about how great Nancy Reagan was at sucking cock. Maybe the biggest case of desecrating a dead person ever was a couple years ago. It went viral that she just sucked everybody off and gave the best head. I'll

I don't think it's desecration. It's like, hey, here's something you know about this person. It's like how we just learned Fidel Castro could ball. But it's crazy. It's crazy to think of Nancy Reagan. Wait, what? It's crazy to think of Nancy Reagan on her knees just like... Like sloppy head. And you're like, Nancy... Her hair didn't move.

From politicians to movie stars, like everybody. Jane Mansfield would be badass. Who is that? The epic picture of Sophia Loren. I was going to say Sophia Loren. Sophia Loren is a great one. Sophia Loren is in her prime. Let's take it this way. Hold on. Are you bringing them back from the dead right before they die? Or into their... Are they 83? Just stay alive about two more minutes. I'd fuck Susan Sarandon now.

She's alive. She's alive. She's going to hear this. That's all. Well, hard offer. I'm in. She's a friend. It's still fucking hot. I don't want to hear her talk, but like she would be exhausting.

fucking she'd be like so your friends were you realize that she was smiling a moment ago and then she was like oh this guy's a fucking asshole sorry she went from like that's nice you want to hear me talk I have nothing it's the beauty of and I say this and I hope you guys hear this the right way

This is better than anyone can ever do. This is the funnest fucking thing in the world. Is to have really funny friends and see them and then fly in for your vodka launch and then go, hey, do you guys want a podcast tomorrow? And you guys go, we'll change our flight. And then go, let's fucking hang tomorrow. Because it's also the ease of it. You know what I mean? You can be a movie star and you can tour Taylor Swift, but that's hard. That's a lot to do. I mean, I guess you guys go on tour a lot, so the comic lifestyle is not easy, but doing this is like...

For the opportunities it can afford and the money you can potentially make and kind of how easy it is to just kick it with your friends. It's like, I feel like it's like some secret we unlocked. I'm like, why don't all you guys try to do this? And we're not that talented. No, that's, yeah. I mean, that's the thing. I'm definitely not talented. I will say this. I am for sure not talented. To all you guys out there starting podcasts, you're better than us.

I'm being serious. I watched a dude have a clip going, I made the greatest mac and cheese in the world last night. That was the beginning of his clip. I went, God, where does he come up with this material? Because I watched his whole fucking video. Some fat guy. I don't even know if it's a podcast or they just do clips these days. Yeah, that's true too. Dude, when you think of, and I think about this a lot. Tom and I started doing Two Bears. And I think everyone was doing solo podcasts. And then all of a sudden you start seeing buddy podcasts.

Man, they're so good. You guys are so good. Like, your podcast is so good. Thank you, bro. When you see, like, McCusker and Shane are amazing. Especially those guys who have known each other truly forever. Yeah. You know, like, you can't replicate that. But it's like, there's so many fucking solid podcasts out there that I start going, like, yeah, I'm going to get found out. I'm just selling jeans. Everyone else is digging for gold, and I'm selling Levi's. Like, but this...

This job, I'd do this forever. Are you guys going to get in on the streaming wave at all? We have a lot of guys at Barstow doing these crazy streams. Just last night we had one guy, Jerry, locked himself in a gym and he did not leave until he broke Caitlin Clark's scoring record. Last night he scored 3,500 whatever points. He had 509 threes. Such disrespect for you.

It took him five hours. That's it? He had like 500 threes, 600 twos, and 700 free throws, whatever it was. And he's like, I'm better than you, woman. Like, that was the whole fucking... And there's so many guys, and I'm like, yeah, fuck that bitch. You know, you guys are the pushback. What culture is barstool? Like, you guys are the pushback. What you guys are doing, I find so fucking fascinating. Like, when that kid...

I don't know who he is, but he locked himself in a room to hit a hole-in-one. Same guy. Same guy. He took, you know, like 2,000 strokes to get a hole-in-one. Really? Oh, buddy. It took him like 48 hours. This is my breakdown. His hands were bleeding. No, it was a simulator, and he just swung, swung, swung. 2,000? And he played Pebble Beach. He was like Pebble Beach 8, maybe, something like that? He had like, you know.

JJ Waugh and celebrities like chiming in on it. Golf guys were watching it. It was awesome. We have a guy, so we had the dude last night doing the scoring record. The same time, we have a dude right now as we speak, he's living in solitary confinement for a week. And he's just in a room by himself. And they play a song every fucking five minutes, right? It's streaming. Streaming live. He's sleeping. Do you pay to watch it? Nope, it's free. Yeah, that feels like

That whole world is so set up for his brain. That's right. That's what I was going to say. I can't imagine. I love it. This guy, he was counting grains of rice. They're giving him these stupid challenges while he's in there. He had to put together a puzzle while he had oven mitts on. You got to count the number of grains of rice. Can I soft pitch my idea? Yeah. This is my baby. I've wanted to do this forever. It's called Stranded and Branded.

I want to move to a desert island and only sustain my life off of corporate integrations.

So people will send me, Porosos would be one, great integration. I would love Lucy's Kettle and Fire, but they send them in crates to my island and I only can live off of branded integrations. And I lived there for 30 days. And the first one, I'd love a car sponsorship, nice Subaru, dropped off on the island and then I get to tear it apart and use it as a castaway in every way possible.

But, like, I love... I mean, bro, these are the things you can make that happen. Yeah, but I don't have 30 days. Like, it's tough. Well, you don't have to do 30, but just do a week. But I love what Barstool's doing, and I think it's because... I honestly think it's because you guys got bought by the big company, and Dave bought it back for a dollar, and you guys all then went public. You had money, and you got to do what you wanted to do. It's so cool. When I look at, like...

When I watched the Combine, you know, I watched it live. Isn't that fucked up? Like, I have a lot of shit on my plate. Yeah. And I watched it live. I went to YouTube. Tuesday at 11 a.m. or whatever? I went to YouTube, and it said upcoming or something. Yeah. About to premiere. I'll leave it here. Yeah. And then I heard them talking. It was Big Cat, I think, I heard first, and I went, I'm in. Yeah. And I fucking love that shit. I love it so much.

It's so funny, too, because it is TuneIn Network. Like, it is, like, old school. Yeah. Appointment television. Appointment television. Have you noticed, is it a big shift since Dave came or, like, the ownership changed?

Us personally, we never really changed. We kind of said and did whatever we wanted all the time. Which probably wasn't the smartest play, but we're not really gamblers. If you gambled, it was a big deal. If we went big on pen gaming. You talk about gambling here and there, but we weren't gamblers, so it didn't really work. The guys who were gambling were like...

You had to change your whole... You can't talk a certain way. You have to make certain beds. Oh, which is like a big part of your guys' culture as a brand. Yeah, so it was a little bit tough for those guys. And then now that Penn sold us and those clamps are off, it was a little freeing for those guys, I think. We never...

Would say on the whole it was a couple things here and there that you weren't allowed to say about gambling and maybe a couple times people would bite their tongue about Certain jokes or whatever but like for the most part we let it fly the one guy that can't fire and then Dave rehired him Yeah, yeah, yeah, what did he say saying the n-word? Yeah? Yeah? He was so dumb. I don't mean that he did that it was so gay to watch unfold that somebody clearly like reading something Yeah, and be like oh

And then they'd be like, you're fired. Like, it was what? That's corporate mentality, and that's not what I subscribe to at all. And it's what I love about the direction Barstool's going in, is it just seems untethered. It's very much like, it's a situation that never ever happens, where, you know, it's like, pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered. I think there was probably a three-year run where we were wrong.

Where it was just like we were being corporate. It wasn't great content. I think it was probably the last two or three years of pen. It means we got too big for our britches. We kind of got fat and slow. We're still sitting there going, wait, didn't it the same thing? I don't know which one I am. You fatten up a pig to kill it so you can feed people with it. So pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered. We were a hog for a while. And I think you very rarely get to see a company become a pig again.

Yeah, we came back. And I think we somehow came back with a vengeance. I can't think of it ever happening with another company. Where it's like, all right, you guys are the little guy again. Right. Yeah, somehow we became like the underdog again. Dave's buying a $42 million house, but we're the underdogs. It's insane. I do love that he unabashedly talks about his money. I love it. It inspires me. It really does. I go... Well, he's also... I mean, he's a dude who delivered fucking newspapers in a shitty...

Van for... Yeah, and he worked his way up. So when you get there, it's like, fuck yeah. He's got a beautiful swing. Beautiful baseball swing. He had faster hands than Delano DeShields. He's a beautiful baseball swing. The line his baseball coach told him. He coached Delano DeShields and he's like, got faster hands than him. And Dave will tell you that every single time he talks about baseball. Wade Boggs broke down my swing. I love how quick... How about this? We got another guy, Marty Mush, who...

who he said, I'm going to go face major league pitching this in spring training. I'm going to do a hundred at bats. How many hits do you think I'm going to get? And we were like a fucking zero dude. He faced Trevor Bauer.

Went two for four. First four. But like, oh, two for four. Okay. Yeah. I think he went two for eight. Right. But like right away, like ripped a single up the middle. Like, and they had a simulator that was, that is like being like, that would have dropped in. That would have been a base gap. Can I tell you all? I think when I hear that is imagine if that guy was famous.

Your buddy. Yeah. And all I think is, Bert can do that. I go, I go, I go. Link up with him. Go down. He still has more pictures to do with. I'm sure he'd love to join you. I think that's, I love that. It's, it's, you know what it is?

My favorite thing in the world is hungover Sunday morning in the living room energy. Yeah. Those debates and those arguments. And you talk shit. I could get a hit off of that guy. No, you fucking couldn't. But Barstool and you guys are in a position where you can kind of...

It's like, all right, prove it. Go fucking, let's call up Trevor Bauer. Who is this guy that got the hits? Who was it? He's just one of the guys who works with us. He's Marty Bush. He's just the... Marty Bush. He's one of the gambling guys. He's got a beautiful mind. He's like, you know, an idiot savant. Faced other pitchers too? Yeah, and then the Oakland A's opening day starter ripped a hit off of him. There was a couple guys who were like,

They were like, I hope the scouts don't see this. I don't think I'm going to make the team. He might be having an effect on major league players. Does he have a legit baseball background? Well, you know, he played in college. We all do. No. Yeah, he played Division III college. Right, but that's still more than the average guy. But I was like, you're not going to even touch...

And these guys were going like balls to the wall. They were like, we are not fucking around. They told him ahead of time, like, you're getting all my pitches, full velocity, and right away gets a hit. Can you imagine the fucking rush of confidence that guy has? He said it was the best moment of his life. But not just with the hit, but that's one thing is the moment you hit contact and you feel good. But when he walks off and the first time he makes eye contact with someone like you going like... I fucking did that. I fucking did that. It was also like the crack of the bat.

echoed it went right up the middle of the cameraman had to jump out of the way it was like he smoked it then he sees like a another pro player being like yeah man it's it's fucking amazing by the way we kind of got a little away from it i was gonna say earlier stranded and branded like the greatest idea ever yeah do it i think some of this the conversation went away and i didn't want to interrupt that but like brandon and brandon's fucking amazing and the amount of money that you make doing it because hey uh

Can you be my portnoy and make it happen? Yeah, we can do straight into Reddit. Honestly, if you guys get into the streaming world and do some of these, like, we're going to lock ourselves in a room for 24 hours, lock ourselves in an island, do it until we... We're not leaving until it's done. You definitely... I'm sure Alan is back there just being, like, making calls already. There's so many things I wanted to do. Like, that I...

Yeah, I think the direction you guys are going, and I would love to do more stuff like that because that's all I give a fuck about. Sometimes you get a script and you read it and you're like, I guess I can fix it. And then you're like, okay. And I don't know if I want to spend three months doing that. I could definitely spend a month on an island. I already have the island picked out. Yeah, you're doing it. You're fucking doing it. Right outside the Bahamas.

A beautiful family owns it. I've reached out to them. A beautiful family owns it. By the way, at the time, they were trying to sell the island. Oh, Epstein. Little Saint, what is it? Buddy, if we did Stranded and Branded on Epstein's island. Yes. I'll tell you this, the views will be through the roof. Through the roof. I don't know how many brands are going to be down, but the ones that are are going to get their money's worth. That's for certain. Dude, make Stranded and Branded happen.

Yeah, no. I'll do it. Okay. I'll do it in a heartbeat. Really? I will join you if I can. If you want to do solo, that's fine. You know what it is? Is you bring out a brand sponsorship. You come out and you go, Bert, it's day four and I'm bringing out fucking Pirate's Booty. Pirate, Pirate.

Pirate water. Pirate water. Pirate water. Pirate water. And I'm like, fucking thank God. But you need snacks, so Pirate's Booty's here too. Pirate's Booty's here too. And then we just drink by a fire and I just catch you up and you know I would not let you talk. I'd be like, I haven't talked to anybody in fucking five days. You have no idea. Have I ever told you about the time I got in bed with the rest of my family? I like having people who you are close with or friends with come out and you either get the option.

So it's Burt, I'm here with Pirate Water, you can have Pirate Water or you can have me for the day. Ooh, you get some, yeah. You start to do some challenges and stuff. But I can't help you with anything out there. No, no, but you have someone to listen to the stories. Tell me a story. That actually reminds me, I was going to ask you when you were like earlier, you were like, I don't know what I'm chasing. Do you think you're chasing more money or applause? Yeah.

Oh, come on. That's an easy answer. What do you think it is? The applause and the praise and the love and the... You have enough money. You just love...

It's love. You start off the podcast talking about how you don't get enough appreciation on the internet. I like the love. I love the love. Some guy left a shitty comment on one of our Two Bears posts. I never read comments, but it was like, and it was a good post. I liked the post. And so I was like, you know, you get caught sometimes. You go, ooh, comment's up. I wonder what it says. It's got to be positive. Usually it's someone you know, and you're like, oh, nice. And it was like,

uh don't do you remember when tom and bert used to be funny or something and then i was like oh i'm gonna comment like but you thought we were fun like i was trying to think of like a fun comment to come back yeah and then like five people came off the plane and were like uh

Hey, man, I love what you do. And then I was like, oh, that energy. It's like I don't really understand people that don't like being famous because I go, it's really fucking fun. It's really fun for someone to go like, hey, you're the fucking Kool-Aid guy. And then to know that you gave them a moment that they just giggled and then go, oh, yeah, it's – yeah, I don't think I could ever tap out. Like I think I'll always –

You can do this for free. It's always good, like, no matter who you... Like, when you're a kid and you see your grandparents and you made their day, like, that was a nice feeling. And now you just make the day of people who are strangers.

And a lot of people... Oh, shit. That person's happy. But it's also tethered to so many other things. Not just comedy and podcasting, but introducing you guys to Joe last night. It's fun. I really get off on that. And going like, hey, can I bring you guys over? I love...

I love energy. I want pies why I'm fucking terrified of death because that energy energy brother and energy over Tom's dad when he passed said something to Tommy and I think of every fucking all every day I think of it. He said buddy life goes on Life goes on and I think of that I you know so funny in that I never met your dad or anything and but that one statement of

means his life goes on. Because I think of it every day. I think of your dad a lot. Where I go, that's such a fucking profound statement is it does go on. It does go on. And people are forgotten. And you have to do your next day. And there will be days you don't think about me. But that statement sticks with me. And it's my thing I fight against is I don't want to be forgotten. I want to be... I just want people to go like...

Man, how cool would Burt be right now? Like, that's the thing. That's the fucking thing. So I think my thing is not money. Fuck money. It's the, can you leave a mark when you're gone? Like Jimmy Buffett, your dad. My grandma, when I think of my grandma, she gave me this necklace.

And I think for all the time, will you be remembered? And you don't need to be remembered like fucking Winston Churchill, but will you be remembered? And how long can you put off that second death where no one remembers you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long can you live where people still talk about you? Sure. I like trying to put new people onto it too because once you've done it, it's like you've made your mark. You guys will be remembered forever. No. But the amount of people who...

you can open that door for. You know what I mean? Yeah. We're not going to drink our juice. I'm drinking it! I want to run this idea by you because we haven't really talked about this publicly yet, but I figure what better place than to talk to you guys about it. We got a new series that we're working on called Not Safe for Work where we're having...

I mean, hopefully every comic, but right now we're kind of focusing on the newer kind of who's next in New York. And they're going to... It's like tiny desk music performances, but for comedy. So it's in the Barstool office. Very...

very like look literally where our desks are just kind of like they're not doing like a like a 15 minute stand up and it's it's that same sort of vibe as tiny desk where it's like a different setting and it's just it's in front of the barstool audience like we're that we're gonna be you know people in the crowd and you just have these like new killers come in but tiny desk brings like

brings in some actual music fans for those shows. Yeah. Will you guys have any outside people? If not, my thing is, I think that, you know, that reminds me a bit of like doing a, um, a private or like a, an award show where like the,

The thing is you just want to be fair to the comic, especially like an up-and-coming person. You want excited audience. Yeah. Right? Because it's one thing if you're like, and we work here. True. Well, that's why. I think Kevin and I differ on that. I think our coworkers will be excited. I think everyone at the office loves stand-up comedy. I think everyone will be like, fuck yeah, this is going to be great. Yeah, no, no, no, no. I'm going to poke holes in this.

here's the problem. I'm not going to work new material. Obviously, I'm going to try to sell it to a streamer. And even with the... You want big names. You want big names. And what I would say would say, bring in big names and have them do...

have the audience call out bits for them and say like if I would do it if you go Bert tell the machine and we all laughed at the idea that I'm telling the machine and then I told the machine but I got to fuck around with inside the story because I'm telling it to people that kind of already know it like if you said tell old jokes I'd be like

Oh yeah, easy. I don't have to work. I can just show up and do it. And that's what makes Tiny Death so great is you're listening to Scarface sing one of his bangers, but he's doing it in a different way. When you hear them play acoustic, that's the secret in the sauce isn't

the actual musician playing it's them playing in an intimate setting right so if you bring if you bring bring in that's kind of what we're hoping to do is like it's not you know you're not in a club or a theater it's like it's just it's it's kind of comedy in a weird spot that's not usually there set up we have a lot of set up one night and bring in bangers bring in well listen we want to do that by the way you know yeah shane gillis ari shafir big jay okerson but set up one night

And only have them do one bit each, and the audience picks the bit. But the comic doesn't know it in the fly. That wouldn't be an insult to you as a comic? Not at all. I would think that... I guess it's good to talk to you. I would think if it's like, hey, come on in. Their guys are going to yell shit at you. I mean, there's different ways you can do it. The newer up-and-comer, I don't think you should... They definitely want to be prepared and tight. I also, by the way, I said the new up-and-comers, like...

I would love Soda and Big J to come through. But have them do something that's tired for them. Have them do something that's tired for them. Like I did it to you guys last night when I go, Joe, they've got the best small dick story in the world. Have you ever heard their small dick story? I don't think so. Oh, one other thing about the audience. Like however you set it up,

like wherever the stage is, have whatever the audience is be tight. Yeah. Like don't have people spread out. Right. It's almost like one row. If it's going to be 25 people or less, you need it to be very compact. I'll do the first episode. I'll do the first episode, but it's got to be –

Stuff I've already done on Netflix specials. You can't tell me about it before. It's the fun... One of my favorite stories Tom has. It would be cool to see maybe two comics do it dueling. But like...

Like we made um Ron white tell tater salad on at Rogan's Club one night. They were all chanting the machine I saw Ron white in the thing and I said I'll tell the machine if Ron white comes out and tells tater salad. Oh, yeah, Ron White's like fuck it. I'm in Down and he goes I don't even fucking remember the goddamn And he piecemeal this bit it murdered so hard. I swear to God I

that when he was done they all started changing the machine again and i realized i can't tell the machine it's not as good as that bit yeah yeah i gotta do material to get you ready for the i gotta lower this bar a little bit i'll do it but it would be fun like to like when i said tell your small dick story to rogan it's that's my one of my favorite stories in the world tommy's story about finding the wallet is one of my favorite stories in the world it's and i would listen to him tell it again

And that's what you want to capture. Yes. People have heard this, but you're hearing it a different way. Little wrinkles in it, yeah. You're playing acoustic. It's like we all saw Nirvana play all their songs, but when they did it acoustic and you heard Kurt go, hold on, are we in E? You're like, oh, fuck.

Fuck. They're really working. It would be cool. Tommy, can they tell your... Tell the... Small dick story? Yeah. It's one of my... And by the way, we did it on the cruise. We did it on the cruise. You guys are real inspirations to me because you live life untethered. You are real genuine bros and I love that energy. Thank you.

This is one of my, I would say, top five favorite stories I've ever heard. Come on. Now, this sucks because the bar is high, but I still think it's going to deliver. It still delivers. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Can we do it in a team? Yes. Why don't you just tell the story? No, no. Like we're at a dinner party. Like we're at a dinner party. And I love, you be my wife, you correct me when I'm wrong. Okay, deal. So he goes to this big hockey convention. Yep.

Oh, was I right? I mean, it's the Spittin' Chicklets, the Chicklets Cup in Buffalo, New York. Okay. It's a big roller hockey tournament. And he's a big hockey player. All bros. Everyone's killing beers. He goes in to take a piss, and a dude walks in the bathroom.

I'm at the urinal. The big long line for the bathroom was at this venue in Buffalo. Urinal with partitions? Dividers? No, I don't think so. I think it's standard urinal. And I just hear this commotion behind me. And it's just like... Some dude just goes...

And everyone like turns their head. They're in a bathroom. They're in a bath. No one's talking. Everyone's taking a piss. Foul! And he just rips his pants down. He goes, I got the smallest dick in the room. And everyone paused like, what the fuck? And he got a little dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone's kind of like, what the hell's going to go on? What's going to happen? And then you start going.

Who's got smaller? Who's got smaller? And another guy slides into the middle room and he's like, fellas! I got the smallest dick in the room! And he drops his pants and everyone's like, who's got smaller? The place is now just going nuts. Who's got smaller? Who's got smaller? And the fucking, the stall door flings open like a big bird kicked in. He's like, fellas! What?

I got the smallest dick in the room. I just do full spins. I had three dudes in the middle of the room dragging their little dicks around. And everyone's going, who's got the smallest? It was primal. It was chaos. And then someone noticed me and they were like, John, John, John, John. And I was like, I don't have a big dick by any stretch of the imagination. But in a who's got smallest kind of dick? Yeah.

It is. I was like, I'm going to ruin the vibe. So I like skedaddled out of the room, which was the greatest sense of confidence we ever had. I'm like, I'll fuck up the little dick competition. I got a normal dick. But then we actually, so we did a show in Buffalo.

We did a show in Buffalo probably three months ago, six months ago. And the guys came. Those guys? Those guys came and they had t-shirts for us. And then they were like, just so you know, by the way, because I've told this story a million times, just so you know, when we were chanting, John, we weren't chanting for you. We had our buddy, John, as in the tiny den. And I was like...

But the ultimate kicker, I don't know if you've heard this yet. We got an update on the story. They show us the dick of one of their other buddies. They're like, this is who we were trying to get out. This is John. And they show us his dick. And we were all like...

"Yeah dude, that's fucking really small!" It was the most- They had the photo of it? They had- it was a three- it was a five of them or whatever it was. He would have absolutely lost a small dick contest. It's like, if this is what you guys are calling small, your crew rolls deep. I think they had won that chicklets cup or they'd won a separate hockey tournament, so it's the five of them posing with a trophy, but none of them were wearing pants. Holy shit. So I was just like, "Hey boys, just so you guys know, the four of you have a huge cock." "He's got a normal one."

That's a good crew. This group of guys are fucking fun guys. Yeah. Dude, we did that when we were on the cruise. Our first night, I had not been drinking for like four months, three months. And I get on the cruise and the energy, we do our first live moment on the cruise. And no one really knows what the cruise is, but we have like a Speedo contest. And everyone starts looking at one guy's Speedo as not having a big dick.

and I I said I'll give five thousand dollars to the smallest dick on this boat dicks start coming out right for five grand women start going him I wish a Pete can't hear this but we have a picture of that guy's dick yeah he showed it to Leanne he had to prove it he showed him Miss Pat oh yo

Showing your tiny dick to Miss Pat is like torture. Because you know it's just going to be in the expression of like... Oh, I felt really bad for the guy who came in second place. Yeah, because you don't get money. I ended up giving him $2,500 because I was like, I'm sorry. You just got a small dick in your rope. Was it like a micro-penis?

Pete, text me if you're listening. We have a picture of the dick. I won't share it online. I'd almost rather have a full-blown micro than like a bizarrely small. At least like that guy, he goes around and wins $5,000 challenges. It's like you'd rather be a little person than 5'3". Right, right. Turn me into a full-blown circus act. No, dude, I have a medical condition, bro. I'm going to win five grand from birth. You just have a three-inch penis. Yeah, I know.

That is...

The energy I strive for in life is the fellas. It's funny. The people who do know it, when you say fellas, it's almost like Fight Club. Should we do it now? It's a lifetime thing. No, we should wrap this up. Thank you guys for doing this. One of our producers is getting really mad if I don't say go subscribe to Out of Order. Go watch the show. Yo, for real, let me say it because you're terrible at talking about yourself.

John and a couple guys at Barstool have a new sketch show called Out of Order that I genuinely think is one of the funniest fucking things on the internet. And I don't know how this guy did it. All of a sudden, 10 years in, he's like an Academy Award winning actor. Really? Like, he's acting in these skits and it's like, where the fuck has this been for a decade, bro? And the guys editing it, our guy Pavs, can make movies. We got Owen and Sass who can write all this shit. Like,

All of a sudden, they have one of the funniest fucking things on the internet. So we'll do the podcast forever, but this is going to be the moneymaker. The Zins sketch is so funny that I actually didn't know it was him at first. Really? Yeah, and I was like, wait, that can't be the same guy. It's jarring. It's really... He made a comment about Zins. What was the comment of... Do you ever...

It was like someone asked me what they were, and I was like, you ever want to feel really good but really bad at the same time? And really happy but really sad, and really wired but also pretty nauseous, and super locked in but you need a nap. I got the product for you!

Zinn, that's your new marketing campaign. Well, congratulations on that. Thank you so much. Thank you, gentlemen, for coming out. Congratulations to you guys. You're conquering the world. See you at Brandon and Stranded. Stranded and Brandon. Stranded and Brandon, baby. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.