Does Katt Williams Hate Us? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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If I ran into Cat Williams, I'd geek the fuck out. On Cat? And I know I'm probably one of the white boys he hates. I'm certain. I'm in that six comedians of Rogan that he hates. Me, you, Ari. Ari's twice, probably. You know he doesn't like Ari. 100%.

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you haven't seen that no we did a whole thing we were like bert

is so thankful for the things you guys do for the community. - You know, this podcast can be so good for your soul and then so destroying at the same time. - Wait, what happened last night? - Let's just backtrack. You know, it's really been really fun watching everyone change their lives with this 5K by May. We got Jelly Roll involved. - So many people. By the way, you look great. - Thank you very much. - You look great. - Thank you. I feel fucking hot.

And so I feel fucking hot. Like, I wore a belt buckle the other night on stage, and I could sit down in it, and it didn't cut into my stomach. That's great. Yeah, it's a big move. What are you down to? I don't know. I don't weigh myself anymore. No more weighing? No. What I do is I look to see if I have obliques. If I have obliques, then I'm still on the right path. Okay. So...

But I love the good stuff that comes out of this podcast. It's so fun. Look, we shame the Kelsey brothers, and then we get so in their grill, Jason Kelsey goes full Burt Kreischer and rips his shirt off at the game. Oh, he retired. We're in their head, Tom. We're in their fucking head. You know for a fact Taylor Swift looked at Jason Kelsey and was like, yeah, they got you. They got you. They got you. Yeah. And then there's times, like last night,

I'm in an arena in Amarillo. I don't know. I only stayed in an arena to let you know that it was a plethora of people that a guy says to me in the audience, hey, I got something for you. And I said, okay. And he threw it on stage. He goes, I know you'll love it, and I don't have my glasses on. It's Nazi memorabilia in front of an arena full of people that not everyone knows the joke. Of course. And then I go, this is, I see the crest, the Nazi crest, and I go,

is this nazi memorabilia and he goes i knew you'd love it and i then had to back out of why i had to explain why i was getting nazi memorabilia explain that i know did not want nazi memorabilia i then was like how the fuck did you buy not find nazi memorabilia yeah you can get it and then everyone's like where's the teacup and i'm like yeah yeah i get yelled teacup quite a bit yeah

So somebody, another person with diabetes talked to you? Comes up to me in a very vulnerable moment. He was like, hey man, I just got diagnosed too. I know what you're going through. And I was like...

What are you talking about? He was like, type two diabetes. Tom said, you have diabetes. And I know what that is, man. It's scary. We changed our life. And I was like, bitch, I changed my life. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't have diabetes. And then I get defensive. And then I'm like. And then they're like, dude, it's not, it's okay. And then the guy gets offended that I'm like. Yeah. But I got caught so fucking off guard. If I had a nickel for every time someone brought up Hitler's teacup,

Diabetes, me losing my foot, me getting my liver drained. That's awesome. But the thing is, the diagnosis helped you. You look great. I don't have to. I wonder how close I was to diabetes. You know who actually got diabetes? I can name five people, five comics. Oh, yeah, okay. Because there's comics, but...

who had, he just did a total dramatic change. And cause you can, you can get yourself out of type two was Dean Del Rey. Oh yeah, he did. And he got it. He said, because he was trying to get on a health kick and he, so he started to drink juice. Right. So he was like every morning I go get juice here and then another juice and the juice. And it was just so much sugar. He gave himself type two diabetes.

And so he thought he was doing the healthy thing, you know? Those Joe's Juice cleanses, like early Rogan, when he would, we called it Hulk Cum. Yeah. And you'd do that and then you'd feel sick and you'd get diverticulitis. Yeah. And diabetes. I remember Duncan, I don't know why this always sits, anytime I see almond milk, I remember Duncan Trussell saying one time, I think it was in front of Joe. He has diabetes. What? Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah. How the fuck does he have diabetes? Recently diagnosed, yeah.

Are you being serious? A hundred percent. Really? Yeah. I remember him, you know. So it's you, Dean, Duncan. Who else? I wonder what my numbers are right now because I've been carnivore for 176 days. Really? Yeah. I've cheated like on Thanksgiving. I had some stuff. I saw a photo of you on my phone last night from like a few months ago that I was like,

I mean, unrecognizable. You don't realize, you don't realize, you know, I wish I could go back and take all the times people. I wonder if I'm going to do that now. Cause like I've had two people, like two guys in recovery that say to me, you know, you're an alcoholic. And then I'm like, I'm not drinking right now. And they're like, you're an alcoholic. You need to be an AA. Recently? Very recently. Like a week ago. Are they comics? One is, two are. Yeah, two are.

Two are. One is Bobby Lee. What'd you say to him? There's no way to quantify to someone with real alcoholism and drug addiction. Like, Bobby's like... I think Bobby would admit this. He's an addict. He's like...

He's an addict. He's an addict with like all of them are sex addicts, which I don't, I can't really wrap my head around. It was like, I never got, it's the same. It's the same thing. It's, it's, it's filling that, that hole. Do they jack off like four times a day? Not necessarily. No, they can't control fucking other people. Well, it's not, they can't control it. It's that they're going for it.

to fill this gap. It's like this impulsive thing. Like this will make me, this will make me feel better. And then they feel empty. It's like having a drink. Right. And like, this will, this will soothe the thing. And it's like, well, it doesn't. So I'll go have another one, you know? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I don't like, but it's hard to, you can't defend yourself.

It's like a shark attack victim going, you know there's sharks out there. And you're like, no, I know you're missing your arm. But I've been in the ocean and I've been okay a couple times. I'm going to go back in. I'm going to keep going back in. Like, I enjoy the ocean. I'm not going to stop surfing. Like, that's the only reason I got in shape is so I could keep drinking. It's the only reason I got in shape. The only reason I got in shape. Was to keep drinking? So that I could keep drinking. Yeah. I got in shape for a lot of reasons. Number one, I couldn't see my dick. I couldn't get out of a couch. There was like...

It was getting out of a couch was a fucking, I couldn't tie shoes. That's a real thing. Oh, coffee. Thanks for this. No. Is this cool? If I drink coffee, is this an addict move? Fucking cunts. Fucking cunts. No alcoholic ever looks at you and goes, you're the only person that's ever told me I'm not an alcoholic in the whole society. Dr. Drew.

Dr. Drew. He's like, I don't think you're an alcoholic. I just think you like to drink. And I read, you know, look, I don't know. I'm going to go off on this. But like, I do think there is a middle ground for people. Like there is a middle ground where you get to have fun and then you just get your life in order and make sure you're not fucking things up. Yeah. Here's the other thing. It's like, try finding 10 people that are going to give me an intervention. I'm fun as fuck to party with. Yeah, that's true. No one wants to stop that. Like no one's going to be like, even when I was at my worst, everyone was still giving me beers. Yeah. So yeah.

So I don't got it. I don't got diabetes or alcoholism, guys. Your boy's good. There you go. I might be a delusional narcissist. There you go. I could be. Soft narcissist is what my wife calls me. Soft? Yeah, soft. Is that I just think about me?

- That seems like a reasonable diagnosis. - So many comedians are fucking soft narcissists. Have you ever gotten a text from someone who sends you a text and then they spiral out of control? Like, dude, I hit you up, what the fuck? What the fuck, dude? Are we cool? Is this something I said? And then you're like, I'm sorry, I'm in Mexico. And then you write back and you're like, dude, I went to Mexico. - Yeah, I went to Japan. - It's a new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Hey, Tom, tell me about your story about Japan.

I'm so curious that I will not interrupt. Did you just say, more wasabi, please? And do you have low-sodium soy sauce? I said, good morning. I'm Tom. Nice to meet you. That is some tasty rice. I said that to a Japanese lady. She was like, oh. And I go, that's it. That's all I know. And she's like, you said whole sentence? I said, yeah, whole sentence, yeah. Whole sentence. And she was very impressed.

Do you think we'll get out of wokeness where we can go back to making people's accents? Not that one. It's so accurate, though. It's perfect. It's so good. It's perfect. You'd think they'd appreciate it. I know. Like, it's a love of your culture. I fucking talk about it on stage. You can tell because on stage you're talking about it and people are still like. All right, let's go through the accents you can and can't do. You can still do Black Dude.

Oh, yeah. Especially if you nail the black dude. Here's actually the truth, I think. You're allowed to do any impression, not only if you get the cadence and tone right, but if you get the information right.

The information and the accent together is what allows it, is what gives it a pass. Okay, so if a black guy goes, yeah, we do say that. Exactly. Like I heard a black dude on Hooker's On The Point one time. It was my favorite black dude, and I'll never stop doing it. I don't care. Cancel me. My favorite one. Hooker walks by and he just goes, hey, hey, can a player get some conversation? There you go.

There you go. Fucking awesome. Yeah. The best, I've the best phrase I've ever, or I love the, um, uh, I just said it today. It's all over Instagram videos. Uh, what was the best? Uh, Oh fuck. I'll come, I'll come up with it. But it was like, it's, um, it has the word fucking it.

Fuck you thinking about the fuck? I love it. You live with black people are like, the fuck you thinking about? Fuck you thinking about? Yeah. Because it's like, it's just theirs. The way that that's called. Well, some of that stuff is like, like the sentence structure. Yeah. It's called AAVE. Right. That's what it is. African American vernacular English. Yes. Yeah. It's so good. Like when somebody goes like, it's a lot of people here.

Right? So you think that you go, that's grammatically, but that's actually like a way the black people in America speak. Yeah. Right. I love it. Moms. My mom's house. Oh yeah. It's just like talking about your moms. Yeah. Your moms. Yeah. That's totally. Yeah. But if a white guy says that you're like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You're like,

take care of my moms and shit and you're like although some white guy is like paul wall when he does it yeah he he's really in there though he's really if you're fucking making grills for people you you're allowed to say some shit i think we should get grills i've been wanting to do this for a decade i would love grills yeah we should go to houston it's not that far yeah i we i bet paul wall would hook us up i don't know

Pow wow. Pow wow. I think we'd get the full price, but I think we should do it. Did you see Yasmin Bey? Yasmin Bey? Yasmin Bey go off on Drake? Yeah, that was interesting. That was kind of a fun one to- Wait, Tom, tell me about Japan. Oh, yeah. It was the greatest. I had the absolute best time. Where'd you go? I just stayed in Tokyo. I mean, I didn't have that much time to do it all, but Tokyo was-

You're like MacArthur, just Tokyo and fucking out. And out, yeah. Sign this piece of paper. On the approach, you're just looking out the window, thinking about the battle at Midway, and you're just like, motherfuckers. And then... They were next level.

They're just starting to remilitarize. You know that? It's the first time. Oh, I started with that too. Cause I was like, Hey, I know you guys are starting to remilitarize. I just came from Honolulu. Let me tell you something. Take it easy. Slow down. Do you think their kids, do you think, so our kids are soft. Yeah. Like you look at like the,

the navy seals and you realize our children our children are all non-binary and like yeah like pronounny gay yeah and and or fluctuating gay sure like i i they're gender fluid yeah like i met a kid that i'd known my whole life and he came out of the closet to me like he was like 18 and i was like i don't think so you told me no i didn't say that but you can see by my eyes that either i wasn't cool with gay guys or i didn't believe him i was like i need to prove it you got to do something

Like fucking macrame or suck a dick or something. Yeah. Something real. Sure. Because like, I don't know. But I get, you know, good. Look, good for these kids. But I'm saying like our military is going to be soft. If we go to war and we have a draft. Yeah. We're fucked. Our kids are all TikTokers. Yeah. They don't want to be famous on YouTube, which is totally fine. I'm in the same boat. I'm just saying I don't belong in war. I also think that some of that's just like the perspective on the coast. You know, like you get into like.

the middle of the country you know when you get away from la new york you do it is a different world man do you see do you think your kids are going to be gay

I don't know. I don't know. They're pretty young, you know? Do you see tendencies? They don't seem like it. I mean, I don't go like, this one's gay. When you and Christina come home, do they go, hey? No, no. But they do say, look at my asshole and smell my penis a lot. So that is kind of gay. I know a lot of comics that do that. That doesn't mean you're gay. It's constant. Little boys are obsessed with that.

with their dicks obsessed yeah yeah talking about it wanting to show you're like you can't show it to people you got you can't you can't jack it like that in public like put it away they're like this feel they don't even know what they're doing like this feels good like i know i've been doing it for 44 years stop doing that in the living room yeah i still love my dick i could never wrap my head around that wu-tang guy that cut his dick off what remember the wu-tang guy that cut his dick off no there was a guy on wu-tang wu-tang is like pretty broad it's like being in the aarp like

there's a lot of guys in it. Oh, you mean one of the main nine members? No, one of the auxiliary. Affiliates? Yeah. Christ bearer. Wu-Tang Clan affiliate rapper who cut off his own penis in a drug-fueled mental breakdown. Yeah, well, okay. Because he said it was causing him a lot of problems. The dick was? Yeah. Okay. I bet I'd be a lot more focused without a dick. This guy cut his dick off? Yeah. On top of a building, I think. Yeah, but it was drug-fueled mental breakdown. Oh, yeah, but I've been pretty high. Yeah, me too. I've never wanted to lose it.

But no, my kids aren't doing that yet. That's cool.

Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back-to-school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero lunchbox, superhero backpack. But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat.

Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, um...

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock. But do you think Japanese kids can go? So like the Japanese kids that fought in World War II. It's what a fucking amazing society. Seriously. It's crazy how quiet it is. Culturally, this is one of the things that's

that we saw repeatedly. There's a construction zone and you're walking down the sidewalk and the guy whose job it is to make sure you don't walk into the construction, sort of like take the path around, is like bowing, smiling, and like, you know, gesturing in a way that you go like, oh, I've never seen like that personality, that demeanor here for that job. I've seen the same job, but it's usually like, hey!

Fuck over there, man. And you're like, all right, fuck are you doing? You're like, yeah, it's, it's like a whole different, and everyone's like that. Everyone has like, like you'd see middle-aged guys being the cashier, uh,

At the place you buy a notebook. And it's just like, he's not like fucking. He's a proud of his job. Yeah. It's that mentality when I read Flyboys and it's all about World War II and those kids would join and then they would rather kill themselves than give up. Yeah. And so.

But that was a mentality instilled from the samurai. Like it's like trickle down, right? So that last generation was all in World War II. And then this next generation is all, I think, I don't really know Japanese young culture, but there are no samurais and they're not learning ninja stuff. And they're just on TikTok. We were looking for ninjas, but we never found one. My favorite Japanese person. Yeah. Do you ever see the video of the Japanese dudes dressed like cholos walking down the street?

Type in Japanese Cholo. Japanese Cholo? Japanese Cholos. And they got the pit bulls and the knee-high socks and the long pants. And they're doing it in Japan? Of course. We're not doing it in fucking East LA. Yeah. It's on just Japanese Cholos are the fuck their... Chicano subculture. That could be it. But that's a crazy thing is like in Japan, they've adopted subcultures, like wild subcultures. Yeah, like hip hop is huge in Tokyo. Yeah.

There we go, there we go, there we go. Hit that one. No, no, no, above it, above it, above it, above it. That's the group, though. That's the group. Look at these guys. Okay. But look. Okay. I love the way they do. I love it. I love it so much. You don't see Cholo's dressing up like Asian people. He did that head nod exactly how he's supposed to. Oh, yeah. Throwing up gang signs. Yeah.

Yeah, look at those guys. Look at those guys. But I just would have thought these were just... Look at how he does his hair. I know. I thought they were just like some swagged out Japanese. I never put together... I wouldn't put together that these are like doing Chicano shit. Oh, I think I read the blurb. Did you... What was the food like in Japan? Fucking amazing, right? The best... Like the...

The best food. Everything was like an amazing ingredient. That's the thing is we had a salad and you're like, this is a bet. It was a simple salad, lettuce, tomatoes, couple that. And you're like, every bite you're like, this is a perfect tomato. And they do it. So we're like, we, we did, we went swimming with whale sharks in Japan and they came out and they made us Udon noodles out of the ocean.

Udon noodles hot and the broth was so good. I was like, I just drink cups of the broth. It's excellent. It's so amazing. And the, yeah, King crab. So I've had King crab a million times, but never, I was like, yeah, I'll have the King crab. And they bring out, they like, they kill it there.

So then it's just raw and you're like, holy shit, I've never seen it raw like this. And then just little salt, butter on this. And you'd go, that's the best bite I've ever had. We went to Wagyu Mafia, which was like just other level, other level. Every meal, I went to an omakase place for sushi, for lunch, also unbelievable. Their karaoke bars are private. There's a lot of private. So do you know how a lot of the restaurant business works there in Tokyo? No.

all the good spots you're like i want to go to this place and they're like yeah do you know someone not like you're like do you know someone you're like what do you mean like yeah there's no like phone number there's no reservation you can't walk up and then at the end like at the end of the omakase meal the chef gave me his business card like he hands you the business card and i was like oh thanks and they're like yeah that means that you can now contact him if you want to come eat here and that's how that's how that place runs i'd fly to japan just for a meal

I watch it. I watch a show on Netflix called broth. It's just about Asian broths. They have cold noodles. They have noodles. I've watched all Asian noodles for, for breakfast. Also, we're just, yeah, all the food was like, like dream worth. And then we went to Hong Kong, also credible food and Singapore. Dude, the best thing about Japanese culture. I wish they'd bring it back. I wish we could do it here is geishas.

yeah i was given a geisha for an evening like giving her like they give her to you and you just used her i could do whatever i want with her nice what'd you do well nothing bad but like that poor girl was a bar back for the night really she was like watching me drink

And then she goes into my room, sets up my bed. I don't even know. I mean, I got to be honest with you. I think she sat in my room while I slept because in the morning, I think she sat on a chair and just watched me sleep. I thought you were going to be like, I took her by the hair and I just fucking pulled her down. No, and it started snowing in the morning. Spitting her face. And she woke me up and she said, because we had a flight. We had to catch a flight to Vietnam. She woke me up. I told her, I said, I want a beer when I wake up. Mm-hmm.

She had a cold, tall beer for me, and she had drawn a bath outside. Drawn a bath, and it was snowing. We're in Kyoto, and it's snowing. She takes me out to my bath, gets me in my bath, gives me my beer, and I drank a cold beer in a hot bath in Kyoto and watched it snow. And she just bathed you? No, she didn't bathe me. I didn't even bathe. I just sat in it. And then they were fucking... It was like full-service human. It was the best. Yeah.

I don't know what that sounds like. I don't even know if I need to point it out, but we used to have full service humans here many, many generations ago. And I know you're longing for a day where it comes back. But paid well. Full service human is a nice way of saying it. Yeah, if there's pay, it's totally different. She was my choice, I think. As a young girl, she chose to be a geisha. Yeah.

she was awesome they sit like they sit like crossfitters like they just do like a kazan a gown and they just pop down and then stand up like that like healthy people yeah japan was awesome japan's awesome place it's awesome it's really great go to mexico can i tell my story now yep are you done

I listened to a podcast where dudes interrupt the guys the entire time and it drove me fucking nuts. No shit. And I was like, I was like, God damn it. Is this what two bears sounds like? So, okay, go ahead. So, uh, where did you go in Mexico? I don't know. The, uh, I don't know where you went. Cancun ish. Okay. And so, but it was a, it was a resort. Leanne's good with facts.

Like she knows the facts of where we stayed. Nice resort I've ever stayed in. Wait, the nicest resort you've ever stayed in and you're not sure where it was? Do you know what it's called? You don't know what the resort's called? Mayan. Okay. Something. Okay. And so we get there. We went down to go see the Grateful Dead and Goose and Sturgill Simpson was there. Sturgill Simpson. This was one show? They're all on the show? Yeah, I think I met Sturgill Simpson. Wait, how do you not know that?

i don't know i was partying okay and uh mostly weed so my own palace i don't know that's not it okay i don't know leanne knows the name of the place okay that's good so um so we go there we see the dead and the first night now okay i have to preface i'm not good with celebrities i you keep saying this i think i geek out i geek out no that's true you know so i can't control myself from talking to them oh my god i'm such a fan you're the best i love this you don't even have to be that good

If I know that you're somebody, I will introduce myself. I can't help it. I really can't help it. How do you introduce yourself? I couldn't even tell you because my heart's racing so bad when it happens. Do you say that I'm a comedian? It's like just in case they don't know. I definitely tell them who I am. Oh, you do? Yeah. And do you give them your resume? You do. Well, poor George R.R. Martin got a ear beating from me. Not like Derek Trucks. Derek Trucks, I've seen him play. Derek Trucks is one of the best American guitarists we have. Yeah, yeah. And he played...

And I went backstage and I do this thing. I swear to God, I go, I go, let's just get out of here. I don't want to say hi to anyone. I'm going to just be cool about it. I actually use you as an example. I'm going to go full cigar and just walk through it and just leave. Yeah. And I walk backstage. We have full access passes.

And I see Derek Trucks. And I actually go, I actually say out loud, I can't help it. And I go, you're having it. It's happening. And I walk up to him. And I was like, dude, I saw you play in Tallahassee when you were 12 years old. You're fucking amazing. And he was like, I played at the moon. Derek Trucks was so nice. He was so generous with his time. So was Sturgill Simpson. I definitely met Sturgill Simpson. Because he was really cool. Sturgill Simpson, when he sings, Leanne became a fan immediately. He's got such...

fucking passion in his voice. And he's such an amazing guitarist. The guys from Goose were there. I watched Rick play. All of them, it was amazing. It was amazing.

we're in a private suite so it's an outdoor it's all on the beach so it really is if you're a dead fan or any music fan isn't this like the end of their run or no well i don't know secret time i know i can't ah fuck i'm not good with secrets oh yeah yes it is the end of the run they're never playing again okay and so and so fuck i got good secrets and so and so uh

So it's all on the beach. Big venue. It's like 10,000 people. It's fucking amazing. It really is. But we get this private suite. It's a corner suite of the hotel that's like the best seats, like box seats. It's right up to the stage. You can see everything. And it's all the musicians are in there. All the great musicians are in there. All the promoters, all the managers, all the agents.

The first night, where they're Friday, Saturday, Sunday, the first night, I see George R.R. Martin walk by. - Yes, for people that don't know. - He wrote Game of Thrones. Now, I am a huge-- - The series is based on his books and-- - Yes, I see him and I say to myself, don't do it, that's not the guy. Like, he definitely won't know who you are and I'm certain people freak out with this guy all the time. - Yeah, he has a pretty distinct look. He's kinda hard to miss.

It really honestly just looks like a dead head, but like he he is in he's in the suspenders Yeah, like he's I see him. He walks by the bar and I say to someone that's fucking George RR Martin And they go yeah, yeah, he's a dead fan He's we have the private suite. He has it in the private suite He has his own personal room with his own personal balcony for him and his people and because he don't want to be bothered I see him the first night. I tell Lee and Leanne's like no fucking way and

I go, I played it fucking cool. I played it so fucking cool. I didn't even say anything to him. The next night he walks by again and Tom, whatever real junkies must feel where they go, I gotta get it. I gotta get it. I gotta have a hit. I gotta have a hit. I literally went like this. And he walked by and I went, oh, I saved myself. Thank God I didn't do it. Thank God I didn't do it. The last night, my brain's like, fuck it. We're getting this guy. We're getting him. I can't help it. I am out of my skin. Yeah, it's building. It's building. I'm really drunk and I'm like,

I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. And then I say to someone, George R.R. Martin's in that fucking room. And they go, do you want to meet him? And I went, yeah. I had told people, I had told people if I start to talk to him, punch me in the side of the head so that I stop because I don't want to ruin this moment. I don't want to ruin, because I know he's probably a surlier, older dude who gets this all the time. And I don't want to ruin Game of Thrones for me. They walk in, George, I'd like you to meet Burt Kreischer. And he,

He was the most welcoming dude. He pulled a chair up next to me and said, "Hey, sit down. How you doing?" So, "You're a dead fan?" And I was like, and all I wanted to do is, this is it. I planted it in my head. I'm gonna say, "Thank you so much for those books." They turned it, I didn't read them, but they turned it into the fucking TV show I did. "You're the fucking best. You're the fucking best." And I knew what I was gonna say. I did the same thing with Jeff Tweedy. I was like, I got my sentence planned out. "Thank you so much for those books.

I loved Game of Thrones. It was my show. It was our family show, and we got to watch it with the girls when we were in Europe. We all group watched it together, and we've watched them all, and it was so fun. And then he says, I hope your girls are old enough to watch that show. And I said, actually, and now Leanne's behind me. And I'm like, oh, fuck my savior. And Leanne's like, they were age appropriate. We waited until they were age appropriate. And then he starts to tell me the best secrets in the world.

I'm just waiting to tell him that I got involved with the Russian mafia. Tom, I didn't hear any of it. I'm waiting to tell him who I am the whole fucking time. I'm just like, cause I want to establish that. Like I want, like I wanted to like establish that. I'm not. So you're just like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And then you're like, okay, cool, cool, cool. Hey, do you want to know something? When I was 22 years old? No, his fucking assistant comes in and saves me. Oh, they do. She comes in. She goes, razzle dazzle.

George is like, what? And he's like, she's like, George, this is Bert Kreischer. He's a hilarious comedian. And he's like, you're a comedian? And I'm like, yeah. By the way, he has told me secrets about Game of Thrones that I have totally blown by. I have not listened to one of them. Leanne has all of them. In the ride home, she goes, isn't that crazy that that's why he sold the TV show Game of Thrones? I was like, what? She's like, you didn't hear? The only reason he sold, he didn't want to sell it, that he refused Hollywood a number of times. And the one reason that he folded was dot, dot, dot. And I went,

He said that? She's like, Bert, he told you everything about Game of Thrones that any fan would have lost their mind. He was trying to let me know, hey, if you're a fan, Tom, he gave me a necklace and five coins. I forgot I got them because I'm sitting here going, when I'm 22, when I was 22, when I was 20. Tom, I was so bad. And then his assistant comes in and goes, he gave necklaces to the girls. He gave us coins from Westeros. He gave us all this shit, which I'm...

Run past me because I'm not listening at all typical fucking bird. I'm waiting to interrupt this guy Do you end up telling him stuff? No, they go the his assistants did all the work for me. He was uh George Burt got involved with the Russian mafia when he was 22 and he was like what and I was like And he's like yeah, I robbed a train he's like I own a train and I was like I want to rob your train like I

We sat with him for like fucking 20 minutes and had the greatest experience, all of which I don't remember and could not recite because I was overwhelmed by the experience. And then I was shaking. I was trembling. I was trembling. And I didn't even need to meet Margo Price. Like, I was just like, I did it. The day's over. I was so, I took a, I was like, can I get a, this is how into it. Peter is like a real fan. He read the books. Wow.

And I was like, can I get a picture? And he was like, yeah. And I had a picture. I was like, can my wife get in it? He was like, yeah. I was like, cool, bye. And Pete's just sitting there going like, I read the fucking books. Yeah, yeah. I read the fucking books. You didn't offer a picture for Peter? No, I just left. I was like, that was cool. And Peter was like, kinda. He's like, you said all the names of the characters wrong. I was like, you remember Big Country? And he goes, you mean the mountain? I was like, you know the big guy that got his eyes wrapped up? Big Country. I, uh...

I wish I could be more like you. I'm being serious. I don't know. I wish. You'll see it when we do the Super Bowl. Yeah. Like, I can't help myself. I wish I could. I wish I was different. It's okay because I think it lets fans know that when it happens to me and them, that I'm the same as they are because I geek out. So I understand when a dude puts his hand behind you and he's trembling. I do that. I do that. I can't help it. I get...

I wish I knew what that is because my daughters don't have it. My daughters don't give a fuck about celebrity or fame at all. You're just excitable, man. You get very excitable. You're an excitable person. Things really get you fired up. Dude, I met. I met. I don't think it's a bad thing. This is how bad I am.

I met Nate Berkus. Who? He's the designer. He's Oprah's designer. This isn't his claim to fame, but in the 2001 tsunami, him and his husband were in Thailand. I think I remember this. Yeah, okay. I met him at a pool.

You'd think I was so into interior design. Either that or gay. Like you'd think I was one or the other. I was like, Nate Perkins. Oh my God. I'm such a fan. I don't know anything. Yeah. Why do you think you get so excited? I don't know. I don't know. I would love to. Now, did you also tell him? You're like, I'm a comedian. I can see it in your face already. Yeah, of course I did. Yeah. I don't understand people that don't do it. Like, I don't understand how they do it. Like, I really don't. Like, I would love to not.

The problem is with me is I don't know who they are sometimes. Like I know they're famous and I know that I feel like you have to acknowledge that if they're, if you know that they're famous, you have to say something. Yeah. And then, and then I, but, and then I won't know their, their things. So like, I'll say all the wrong things to them. Like I'll, I won't quote any of their things properly. I did it with Adam Sandler. I was like, I love the movie precious gems.

Yeah. Because I know it's a thing, but I don't know the thing. I wish I could get rid of it, but I guess there's a part of me that makes me feel like I still am who I am. You're a fan. Yeah. You're a fan. You're an excitable fan. The only person I've ever been cool around. Yeah. And this could be argued with Chappelle.

Yeah, but you're also in the same field, right? Yeah, but not even remotely. I know what you mean, but I mean like you have the same job. We have the same job. Like I do it with Cat Williams. If I ran into Cat Williams, I'd geek the fuck out. I'd geek the fuck out. On Cat? And I know I'm probably one of the white boys he hates.

I'm certain I'm in that six comedians of Rogan that he hates. I'm sure there's no way Cat Williams has ever turned on Netflix, seen me take my shirt off and be like, hey, I can't wait to see what this is. Man, this is interesting. Yeah. You know, Rogan's got good taste in comics. Yeah, I think we're both in it then. You think you're in? No, he likes you. Who do you think his six comedians are?

It's not Shane Gillis. Well, the six are me, you, Ari. Ari's twice probably. You know he doesn't like Ari. No. There's no way Kyle Williams is an Ari Shafir fan. Probably not.

You know he doesn't like Mark Norman. It's the rotation. If he's saying six, that's just a number. He just means the rotation of regulars that appear. But yeah, but there are an exact six. You, me, Ari. It's Sober October and Protect My Parks. Well, there you go. And he probably thinks Ari are two different Jewish guys. Yeah, those are the six. He's like, you know the one that looks like a coal miner? And then the other one that looks really Jewish.

You know, the one that talked about Kobe and then that other one that just has blood coming out of his ass. Yeah, that one. Yeah, I guess. Who do you think Cat's favorite white comedian is? Well, he gave a plug to Ron White. And I thought that was rad. Gary Owen?

- No. - No, he gave a shout to Gary Owen. - He did give a shout to Gary Owen? - Yeah, a shady shout. Like Gary had to do research and go, "Was he shading me?" - Oh, that's right. I'm thinking that Gary told this story, a shitty story about Steve Harvey after that. - That's crazy. - Yeah. - I met Steve Harvey. He was fucking awesome. I met Cedric. - Cedric's rad. - I geeked out. - I bet you did. - You didn't see that?

No. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did see that. I think I found out where it comes from. I think he thought you were the valet or something, right? No. Wasn't it? When is he like, hey, man, get my car. And you're like, oh, my God. He he came out. We were in the same place, Boulevard, which is fucking. It's the Bentley around. We were in a boulevard and I was out front and he came walking out front and I saw him and I was like.

it it there is a thing with comics that i feel like i'm a little shocked that they know who i am only because and i know that they that it like i do i do big things but like still cedric's someone that like cedric's the man i've been watching him bernie mac steve harvey dl like i when dl knew who i was i was like kind of geeked out because i was like you're deal hugely yeah you don't have to know who i am like you're at a place now where

It's all traffic behind you. Yeah. You don't ever have, like, there's a lot of comics I don't know who they are. I saw DL at the mall in Woodland Hills a few years back. Dude, black guys love the mall. Yeah, and they love the Topanga one. Dude. Yeah. I've seen Kevin Hart at the Beverly Center like four times. Really? Yeah. But I did that thing where I kind of made eye contact with DL, and then he just, like, looked down at her shirt, and I was like, I just want the, I didn't say anything. Yeah.

DL's manager was with him, so I think that might have helped him to recognize me. Doc's manager is now. Yeah, because his manager was like, what's up, Bert? And then I was like, what's up? And then I saw DL. I was like, hey, DL. And he was like, how you doing? Tom, good to see you. But when we saw Bernie Mac, he was walking out front, and it was raining. I was like, what's up? And he was like, what's up, man? And gave me, dapped me up or whatever. Wait, you said Bernie Mac? No, no. Cedric. Cedric. Because Bernie's not going out that much now. Yeah.

I know. I haven't seen him in a while. Yeah. And then my mom. My mom. Your mom was with you? You haven't seen my mom? That's right. That's the video. Both your parents are with you. And my dad is like...

Everyone's screaming because my mom's like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I can't believe your parents know. My mom, well, everyone knows Cedric. No, but my parents wouldn't. Yeah, I can imagine that. My mom would be like, what? Like, football?

My mom lost her shit so hard on Cedric the Entertainer. Really? She grabbed him in a hug. She had her arm around him. So it sounds like it's genetic. It's genetic. My mom, my dad doesn't care about celebrity. He does, like, in a weird way. Like, football players, he's always been like. Really? Yeah, like, football players. My dad's like Shane Gillis. Like, he knows who the football players are, and he's like, yeah, I can't believe you met Christian McCaffrey. Yeah. That guy's a fucking beast. Yeah, yeah. Shane is like I am with football players. Does he geek out on them?

I don't know. I would argue that Shane stays up at night thinking of what cool texts to send them in the morning. Oh, my God. Like, I would argue, because Shane's really good at texting people. Yeah. I think that's generational, because he's younger than we are. But, like, he's good at establishing relationships. I mean, he got Gabe Davis to do a celebration dance. That's crazy. Based on an internet thing. Yeah. Like, you won't do it. Yeah. Shane's just really good at texting. Like, he'll text...

out of nowhere and be like, yo, bro, you're one of the top five hangs of all time. And then you'd be like, for real? And like, he's just as good at like making people feel good. Yeah, yeah. But he does that. Like he does it with Nate Diaz. Like he texts with Nate Diaz. Like he meets like someone he likes. I don't, he doesn't do it for like, like he'll do it for any football player. So I think the idea that you play pro football in Shane's book, probably in your book too, is such an accomplishment. Yeah, it's great. I love it. It's such an accomplishment. Yeah.

But like, I don't know. I'm not good with football as good as Shane is. But I have the same thing with just low level football.

Celebrities. Low level? Yeah, TikTok people. Oh, you flip out. If I know you from TikTok, I'll geek the fuck out. I have a bunch of TikTokers I follow and that I ran into, and I'm like, shut the fuck up. You're like, I love the way you put on the boots, and then you fucking walk up the stairs. The thing you did with the baby hands and then the big hands, and then they hit them, and then the black guy walked in. You're excitable, dude. It's like a contagious kind of, you're like a kid. Yeah, I like being excitable. That's what I was saying. I don't think it's a bad thing, man. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's not cool. That's why I couldn't have hosted the Golden Globes. Oh, my God. Can you imagine getting that gig? You have CS? No, you don't. A thousand percent I would pass on that. I would pass on it even if it had a big paycheck attached to it. For real? A thousand percent. Because I think you just go like, you kind of know what you're...

Drawn to you know what you're good at you. I mean, I don't know good at those jokes Well, I I don't think I think that's a fucking rough gig period like across the board I

- Mulaney killed it on his Governor's Ball thing. - I saw a clip of that, yeah. - He killed it, but that's what he's good at. - But yeah, John, he's not just super talented, he's also like-- - An industry insider. - Not just that, I'm saying that he's an actual, he's a real writer too, you know what I mean? He's a great comic,

but he's written tons of sketches. He was the guy getting hired for those Golden Globes, writing for them. Yeah, he's really good. So I think that's something. But I'm saying John probably knows, oh, this is within my wheelhouse to be, I can do this well. I would get that offer and be like, no. Who do you think would be the worst to do it besides me? Besides me? Me? No, you'd be good. You'd be good because you're, because you...

This is why I actually went through, you know, I actually thought Joe did a pretty good job. All considering 10 days out. Yeah, dude. I think that's fucking like he should be commended for like people are just the way I mean, you know, this is like a world now where everybody just loves to pile on someone. If they say something they didn't like or, you know, people were like,

flipping out over a Barbie joke. Like, are you fucking serious right now? This is this real? Like, I think he did great. I think he did great. I think he did great too. But I was like,

I would have done way worse. And I don't think anyone puts that as like, Joe did great compared to and list 10 comics who could not have done it. I would have been up there, first of all, without smiles. That's why you would have done good. He has a big smile. I would have been up there. Serious people would have been like, this guy has mental problems. It's not unlike some of my stand-up shows where I feel the audience go like, what's going on right now? And I have to remind myself. That's why you would have been good because I thought of it

I was like, you would have played to the audience at home. Maybe. You would have just played to them. Yeah. Because that's the hiccup, I think, in that is that Joe, at a certain point, was trying to get the room on his side. And the audience at home was already, they're like, I don't give a, that's why Ricky Gervais did so well. He's hands down the best. Because he goes, I don't give a fuck about this room. I'm playing to you and your couch. Yeah. And that's what worked well. I already was like,

I was already thinking of, I'd only seen one of the movies. So I was just going to write jokes about Oppenheimer. That'd be great if you were like, I've seen one of these. So guys, I hope I don't tip that too much. You know which one, but Nicolas Cage is here. Did you see Oppenheimer? I would have just gone around and just talked about like Face Off and all the good movies I saw that they did. Yeah.

I would have been like... Or you just talk about the Cat Williams interview the whole time. Did you guys see the Cat Williams thing? Club Shay Shay? The only cool thing that I... The only miss I think Joe could have done, which would have been really cool. Yeah. I think if you... This would have been my move. Celebrate the room. Yeah. But not really celebrate them, but celebrate them in my knowledge of them. Yeah. I would have been like, Leo...

Leonardo DiCaprio's here. Do Arnie real quick. Let me see Arnie from Gilbert Grape. You know you can do it. Just bang it out real quick for the camera. And then you go... Like that. Do that. Do that. I'll start it off. You do it. I'll play Gilbert. Johnny's not here. I'll play Gilbert. You be... And so...

But the only cool thing would be if you had said, I'm not going to roast anyone except for Ricky Gervais. Because you know the crew. And then light up Ricky Gervais. You know he'd take it as a joke. Of course. He'd love it. He'd love it. And he'd get everything you said about him would be fucking hilarious. Yeah. And you know that those writers have a ton of Ricky Gervais jokes. I think it's like imagining these things in concept. Is easier. Than the execution of it. I mean, you know.

you feel a certain way after you've done standup a while. You're like, yeah, I've been in this and that situation, but you still, man, I'm telling you, like you get into, this is not even close to the golden globes, but you get into like a private, you know, you go to a private gig or,

you know, like for a company or something and you feel like, yeah, I know what I'm doing. You get up there and it's like right away, you're like, ooh, like the energy is just so different than a show where people are like, we want to see a show. It's just different. Yeah. It doesn't feel the same. So you imagine it'll go a certain way, but when you're in that environment, man, I mean, I've had privates that I'm like, holy shit. I've never done good at a private. No, it's fucking...

Remember when the improvs used to hire us to do their Christmas party shows in December? So small companies would be like, all right, our Christmas party is going to be going to the improvs.

And then they hired a comedian, but they don't hire a top tier comedian at the time. They have, you know, 250 bucks. So they call you because you're like, yeah, that no one knows who you are or anything at that time. And that's, those are not easy gigs. I mean, you're really working to get those going. And then the moment you do, it's the same kind of concept. You're like, I'm going to do the jokes I want to do. I'm not here to.

Just entertain them. I'm doing my act. You do something that's offensive, crosses a line, you see that room go, and then you realize, this is a corporate event. Yeah, you have one of the most epic bombs in those, don't you? I have a few. The one in Winnipeg, was that a corporate? Sort of. It was Christmas parties. But I remember another one in Brea, which was a Christmas party, where I did a joke, and I forget if it was about race or women or both, and then...

The fucking, I say it and you hear like, ooh, right? And it's a different vibe than a regular show. And I'm like, all right, I say something. And this guy gets up and I'm like, what's this guy doing? And he walks over to the table and fully audible, he goes like, are you okay? Are you guys okay? And it's during a moment of like, you know, quiet, like a lull. And so then I'm like, are you asking her if she's okay? And he looks at me and he's like, yeah. And they're like,

They're like, yeah, we're okay. And he's like, all right, all right. And I'm like, it hits me like what I'm at. You know, like this is, hey man, you're like, it's like you're in our office. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I didn't, that wasn't conveyed to me. They were just like, come do a set. What was wrong with her? He was like the, whatever I had said,

may have offended her sensibilities. You know what I mean? He went to the one Karen in the office. He went to her and then he was like, are you going to be all right with this? But he said it like fully, full volume. And then I was like, I think she'll make it. There's only 45 minutes left. So I'm like, just...

You know, and you go right back to it. And then, you know, they were fine. That show was fine. It wasn't like Winnipeg. Winnipeg was, yeah, that was a full. I got cut off in a corporate. Cut off? Yeah. I got cut off. It was in Aspen or Vail. And I was eating a lot of Oxycontins at the time. And Valium. I was double dipping. And I was drinking. Hey. And it was a hedge fund. And it was $25,000 for the show.

It's a lot. It's a fucking ridiculous amount of money. And Lee, I had fallen off a waterfall in the end. It's like, you're doing the gig. She flew and met me in Denver and got me to the gig because we needed the money. And I started, I remember, I knew I was fucked when I was like, so tell me a little bit about these guys. And the lady just goes, just talk about your Rolex. I was like, what?

She's like, they're all really rich. So just like I talk about Rolexes. Yeah. And I was like, I don't have any material about that. And so I went up and I started doing material. And the one guy goes, enough, enough. Just tell the fucking machine story and let's drink. And I was like, 12 minutes in. I was like, what? He goes, we just want to hear the fucking machine story.

So I was like, that's it? He's like, yeah, and then you're going to go drink with us. And I was like, I'm kind of on oxy. He's like, doesn't matter. So I was like, when I was 22, he goes, this is it, guys. This is the one. And I was like, I told the machine and then we went out partied hard as fuck. Yeah, I was fucking with a guy at a show one time in Irvine at a private like that. And I said something about him being the janitor.

And he's like, I'm the president of the company. And I was like, they have a Hispanic president of the company? And then he's like, oh, you're racist? And I was like, and I go, no. And I looked at my phone. He goes, no new messages. And I go, and then everybody was like, ooh. And then he was like, I don't speak Spanish. And I go, you sure look like you do.

And that show ended early. Like, real early. Yeah. We were in... Shout out to El Paso. I didn't realize how Mexican El Paso is. Yeah. It is 98% Mexican. The border town of El Paso? Yeah. It's like English is a second language in El Paso. Yeah, I spoke Spanish for the first 10 minutes. And so...

So there's a point in my show, if I'm fucking around, that I do this joke about going down on Leanne. And if I feel it, I'll sing God Bless America. Uh-huh. No, wait. God Bless America. Are you on Oxys now? I don't know what fucking song I sing. What song do I sing? America the Beautiful? No. Let me see if I can do the joke.

She was running tights. I didn't figure out 10 minutes. I didn't give up on her. I went down and went, oh, oh, oh. Amazing Grace? I don't know. Never mind. This story's gone. America the beautiful. Does anyone know the fucking song I sing? Which is when land and the prairies and the ocean white with foam. I don't know. From the light up above. Fuck me, dude. What if I have like the early stages of Alzheimer's?

Yeah, that could happen. I mean, I forget people's names. Oh, say can you see. Oh, say can... That's the national anthem, dummy. That's what Peter said. No, it's... God bless America. The land that I love. Stand beside her and guide her

From the light up we get up above. You do this on stage? Sometimes. I'll fuck around and do it. And then I'll put the mic to the audience and let them sing with me. Yeah. El Paso. Yeah. They were like, all right, we never heard that song. Yeah. I had to sing the national anthem. I was like, God, you guys know this one? And they knew that one. They knew that. Okay. Yeah. El Paso was fun as fuck. You're not supposed to go into Juarez. Did you go into Juarez? No. Yeah. I said to the lady in catering, I was like,

Is Juarez safe? She goes, yeah, I go there all the time. She goes, not you, but yeah, I go.

I was like, what would happen to me? And she goes, you'll come back naked. They'll take your clothes. She goes, the border patrol will take your clothes. Seriously. I was like, for real? She's like, do not go to fucking Juarez. Yeah. Which kind of sucks. I'd listen to that advice. They should make like polar bear cages where you can go into Juarez. Yeah. So you can see the chaos and they're trying to kill you, but you feel safe like a polar bear. I have a cousin that just moved to Mexico and I don't even want to say where he moved. Okay. I don't even want to say where, but he moved there.

And it's a city where shit definitely pops off. And I was like, you don't have any fear? And he's like, no. And I go, why? He goes, because they tell you, just don't go to this place after 6. Stay out of this neighborhood after 7. This neighborhood you never go to. And I was like, is that comforting? And he's like, yeah, because it's like the rules are really laid out. So he's like, you just...

They tell you like when you're new, you know, sometimes you can you can make a wrong turn Yeah, and at first people will come up to you and be like kind of you know What are you doing here? And then when they kind of understand that you actually are new and you don't know He's like they just they just kind of let you know But it is a place in this neighborhood that he lives in or he's like hey You just don't you don't go out in the evening. I can't imagine all I was thinking about was being a real drug addict and going like

The thought in your head going, no, I'm going to go over to Wario's real quick and just get a little Coke. It's fine. Like the rationale that must happen with someone that's like really fiending for drugs. Yeah. That's like, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. Well, you know what? We're going to see what happens. I need it. Nah, scary dude. They should bottle that. Bottle that feeling up? That junky energy. Yeah. Sell that. Like if they could sell that, I guess they do. It's called crack. Well, that's another drug. Yeah. Who's saying that they should bring back crack?

They should bring it back. Boozy. What do you mean bring it back? It's still available? No, he's like, meth's fucked everything up. Meth and pills. He's like, whatever happened to good old boozy is fucking 100% all the time. You know what Dr. Drew told me about crack? Did I ever tell you this? No. He said that there's drugs. There's a lot of us who I go, could I try this one time? Coke.

PCP, heroin. He's like, yeah. He goes, and then you can't tell whose brain chemical composition will react certain ways. There's certain people like, we could both have meth pipes here. Take a hit of meth. And he goes, and you might do it

Feel the effects and then just be like, that was wild. And then the other person be like, I need to get that again. And it changes their brain composition. But the one that is like, he's like, you're almost certain that things will change for the worse.

is crack that that when you do crack even one time it affects your brain in such a way that it's it's over for you you'll never be like the same again and you'll just be in pursuit of crack forever wow because you see crackheads you know like just completely melt down it's like that's how powerful that is that's crazy and it's just and it's it's just coke really right cooked yeah

Jelly roll used to sell crack sell crack. I think so. He sold drugs. I think he was a drugged I knew he went to prison for it. Did he go to prison? Yeah, he went to prison He just did a show in a prison. Did he really just did a show in a prison like Johnny Cash and He's a man. He's if oh 20-year sentence

He served a year for the charge. What did he go to jail for? Yeah, what was the charge? Dude, he's... Drug epidemic? He just... He talked about... Did you see him testify in front of Congress? I saw clips of it, yeah. He's firing on all cylinders. Yeah, it was awesome. It's good. I think he's pretty sober. I think he just smokes weed. The...

You mentioned at the beginning, it's so cool how many people are hitting me up daily about 5K by May. So many people are training for it. I think it's the coolest fucking thing. I think we're going to have a huge show out for that. Especially when Jelly said he was going to do it because that's the people who can really affect change. Like when he...

i'll get d i'll get he's a video texter yeah he'll just send you a video hey baby yeah yeah and he texted me one time he's like when the does this get better

He's like, because this is miserable. He's in the snow. He's walking. He's got dog hair all over him. He's like, no, fuck, does this get better? It sucks. But man, if he can drop some weight and do that 5K, I think he will. He's a guy that puts his mind to something and does it. I think that's going to be fucking huge. Really fucking huge. So many people have hit me up. And for people who are like, so I get hit up, where is it? Where is it going to be? We have talked to...

A couple of places. I think it's fair to say we have it down to two potential locations. Yes. I don't want to give it away yet, but we should be able to announce the exact location fairly soon. Yeah. Plenty of time to plan a trip for May. Yeah. And it should be a really fun trip in May. I think so. I think you're going to really enjoy it. And I think, I think what's cool about it is like, what's really cool about it is,

Because we had this stupid idea a lot of people that are very passionate about races and 5ks and the the guys at the highest level like cam Haines hit me up he's like you know I got ten people to want to talk to you and like and so it will be Legit fucking fun. Did you know those those? Elite people do it and they do it in like 15 minutes His son campaigns his son ran a marathon as a lark and a pair of jeans the other day and

In three hours and 45 minutes. In jeans? I think he wrote, he's like, I haven't run in like six months. And he just went there. He's made a different human. Yeah. His, I don't, I've, those children of his are not like mine. No. I don't think my daughters will run the 5k. I'd be shocked if we get Isla out of bed. You think Georgia might come to it? Georgia will probably do it. Georgia is in good shape. Isla is in good shape, but she's just.

If you tell her you got to be there at 7, she's going to be like... She's like, PM? She's like, they got one in the AM? I've never seen that one. That kid is not...

I don't think we're going to motivate her to get out and run a 5K. Although you would if you get Big Jay there, she'd do it. Really? Yeah, if Big Jay did it, she'd do it. She loves Big Jay. Isn't he going to do it? I think so. Big Jay, everyone's getting in better shape. That's like the new thing. It seems like everyone is trying to lose weight. It's the hobby. It's funny that people shame you for losing weight. And people hate you. But who does? Think about that. Who's the person that's going to be mad at you for that?

Yeah. It's not someone who's like thriving and doing well. That's mad at you for taking control of your life. I mean, like it's not someone who's like, I'm, I'm doing great. And I'm just mad at you for not for doing the same thing. It's so funny. I just look at everything as inspiring. Even stuff I don't like, I go, Oh, try to do something better, cooler. That's a good idea. You know, like I look at everything as inspiring. I don't think I ever look at anyone's weight loss. There's a dude I follow.

I just, he's doing 75 hard and I've watched his body transformation and it's really impressive. And I'm like, this is fucking awesome. And then he's, I don't think he has a ton of followers. And then he hit me up and I was like, yeah, I've been following your journey, but I don't even know the guy. He's not famous, but I love following. There's a kid. Do you ever see the kid? Those are inspiring. Do you ever see the kid that's like, I'm going to do as many squats as followers as I have. And he's like, today I'm doing 10.

And then I'll do whatever the first comment says. And the first comment's like, move to Africa, start a microloan company. It's like hilarious. And then all of a sudden he had 200,000 followers. And the next day he's like, yeah, I can't do these squats. Yeah, I can't do 200,000. That's a big trend in like little kids.

They're like, both my boys have done it. I have videos of them. They sent me videos when I'm on the road of what? Doing squats for real. Yeah. Doing body squats. And it's so funny because Ellis can do them correctly. And Julian, his mobility, he's five. So he just goes like the way I do squat. I'm like, that's not a squat, but it's cute. Um, five K by may five K by jelly roll. So many people, you should get better fucking do it. We will. Yeah, of course. We'll get you guys an update soon. Uh,

- Gronk, Julian Edelman. - Yeah, Gronk, and then all these comics. So many comics. - I'm forcing Gronk to do it. - Louis, Mark, Savi, obviously you and I. - We gotta get big J in. - Michelle Wolf, a whole bunch of people are gonna do it.

What? Nothing. Okay. Caught myself. You were about to give up. I was about to say something. A name? Yep. And I didn't. That's committed? No. That you want to commit? Yep. We should wrap this up. Okay. I'm not good with secrets. All right. We'll see you guys next week. I love you. Love you. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. Bert.

One goes to the top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.