Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Fuck that, it's history hyenas. We're here. This is the history hyenas. When was the last time you had milk? Dude, the last time I had just a full glass of milk was probably about a year and a half ago. I just had a full, I had to go get milk for my kids.

And I just put it in the fridge there and I was just looking at it and I was like, I'm gonna drink some milk. And then I drank just a full, like a full glass like that of milk, woke up about three hours later, explosive diarrhea. I mean, ripping it off the backboard of the toilet, like a diarrhea, like a cartoon, you know?

And I'm not lactose intolerant, but I think my body was just like, you can't just give me all this milk at once. It's not 1953. No one drinks milk like that anymore. But I did hear, though, that the... Ready for this? They said two reasons why colon cancer is going up in youth. One...

Increase alcohol consumption. Sorry, Bert. I got my colonoscopy. I'm clean. Oh, yeah. Let me write that down and I'll tell you my colonoscopy joke. Please. Thank you. Colonoscopy is great. And did you wake up and you weren't hard? No.

No. Me either, dude. Fucking our dads were wrong. Wait, you got a colonoscopy? Yeah, I've gotten two. Why? You have colon cancer in your family? No, well, here's what happened is, well, I'm 40, so they say start getting at 40, so I got cleaned. I was 51. 51, but I got cleaned. This last one I did, I didn't even do the propofol. I just said, just shoot her up there. And I just went on.

Just give me a belt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went old school. Wilderness. But when I was 35, they gave me one because what happened was I was having an anxiety attack and I took a shit that I felt looked questionable. I felt that I took a questionable shit. And so I took a peek because my mom, since I've been a little kid, she's told me two things and two things only, like on a daily basis.

Don't do drugs. Big. And then always before you flush your poop, you look at it and you make sure that your poop looks good. Yes. So I've been looking at my poop since I'm about six years old. That's why I don't like automatic flushing toilets. Yes. They take it away from you too fast. 100%. Like a runaway teen. Yeah. I have to, I try to put my hand down there and no, no, no. Yeah. So, so I took a, I took a questionable shit is what a QS is what we call it. And so, and so, and so I have a friend, I have a friend who's a dermatologist. So nothing to do with the colon.

Can I send you a pic? Yes. So I said, can I send you a pic? Exactly what I said. And he said, sure. Expecting to see some type of eczema or psoriasis. But I sent him just a nice cold shit. And so he said, this is not my expertise. But he...

Are you sending this to me as a friend or for my professional opinion? Well, the thing is I'm calling him a friend, but I didn't even know him that well. I just, I had his number cause I, I booked him on ZocDoc a couple of weeks before. So, so, and he said, okay, he said, it's not my expertise. He said, but I would agree with you that it does look questionable. Cause I said to the doctor, I said, is this a questionable shit? Yeah. Right away.

And he said, it does look questionable. So I made an appointment with a gastroenterologist and I said, you know, showed him the pic. And he said, look, I don't know if that's a filter. It could be just the lighting. I really don't know. He goes, but...

Yeah, if you had swiped to put a filter on it. Yeah, that's what I swear to God. Like you were posting it on Instagram. Yeah, like it was a snap. Is this Seppa? Back in my Snapchat days. Is this Low Pro 2? Yeah, is this Paris? So he says, let's take a look. Let's take a look. And I said, great. So we do it.

And then I wake up and he's like, you know what? I'm happy that we took a look. You would have been fine, but you did have two polyps. And those polyps could have grown and would have grown. And maybe there would have been cancer, maybe not. You don't know. But we clipped them. So now you should be good for five years. So he said, come back in five years. So I went. Five years? I got seven. He told me, you got seven years? I had three polyps. You had three polyps and he told you seven years? Seven years. Why did I get five for two then? I don't know, man. What the fuck? Where did you get yours done?

I got mine done in New York. Maybe my clinic was running a deal. Maybe we're doing a promo. Did you put in the promo code? I don't know the promo code. Yeah. There's a promo code busting. Yeah. Wait, no. Mine was five. He said, I found three polyps. He told me when he woke me up. He was like, I found three polyps. They're not. I wouldn't worry about them. We're going to do a biopsy. I'll let you know. Right. And then he DM'd me.

And he said, hey, man, they're all clean. You don't have to be back for another seven years. And then I DMed back, what should I wear? Yeah. And then he said, I can't tell you that because I'm not certain I'll be your doctor. Right. And I wrote back.

Yeah, but I've only let one man inside of me. Yes. I would like a commitment. Yes. He never replied. And he never replied. And he just left it on rent. See, why doesn't anybody have any fun anymore? Dude, I was just talking. The guy's like, hold on. Let's go back to milk. Yes. So your mom said two things. Don't drink.

She said, don't do drugs. She said, always make sure you look in the toilet bowl before you flush down your pooper. How does this have to do with fucking milk? Because what happened was, I told you I drank milk and I had explosive diarrhea after just one glass of milk, even though I'm not lactose intolerant. Because I honestly think the last time I had milk before that glass is I sucking it straight out of the titty.

No, I dude I have my dad had a problem with milk Mm-hmm like a he would drink a gallon a day right my dad drank so much fucking milk I drank

I love getting vitamin D, the red milk. You know the vitamin D one? Yeah. Whole milk. By the way, I remembered why I brought up colonoscopies. Because of the milk. I'm sorry. Keep going. Alcohol consumption. What scientists think is alcohol consumption on the rise is causing colon cancer and milk consumption on the low. People are drinking less milk because they think calcium fights against colon cancer and alcohol fights.

fights for it alcohol is team colon cancer is it one of the doctors they fucking they fucks with colon cancer i always thought so we so we do they can they tell what causes cancer they they they well listen most likely the reason colon cancer is on the rise because of the additives in the food you know that yuca app dude this app dude go get the yuca app you start scanning shit

do you have like food here you have like packaged food yeah bring me a package of some fucking food is someone listening downstairs yeah i need a yuca app and i need a bunch of the food that i eat all the time yes i have the yuca app just bring me up some packaged food we're gonna start scanning shit and you're gonna start to be horrified at what's in the food those protein chips i eat all the time yes bring those in nothing that's a sponsor yes exactly yeah liquid death in the

fucking case. Yes, Liquid Death should be good and anything I've scanned on HelloFresh is amazing. I'll tell you what, we should bring on sponsors and just ruin all our relationships. Oh my God. Well, dude, I just did a podcast before and if they're a sponsor, edit this out, but they was all sponsored by Celsius. I scanned that Celsius and UKAP told me hell fucking no. For real? They said Celsius is like a 20 out of 100. So wait, what's Yuka? So Yuka, the app, Y-U-K, Yuka is...

is an app that my girl got, like my family, my wife, she's like, we got to start scanning our fucking food. Okay, hold on. Keep going. Yep. So we got the Yuka app and she starts scanning shit. And like, for example, you scan Entenmann's donuts, which I know donuts are not healthy. Everybody knows that. But when you scan Entenmann's donuts, a possible score, like spinach gets 100 out of 100. Entenmann's gets a zero out of 100 with everything.

10 additives in there that all cause cancer. The redder the additive, the more it causes cancer. You know, I didn't need this app to tell you that spinach is going to be healthier than edamame. No, no, no. But I knew... No, but see... But then there's other things, like a protein bar. I was just at the Coffee Fix bagel store in L.A.,

and I went to go get a protein bar with my egg sandwich, and I scanned one protein bar, one flavor, the same protein bar. I scanned one flavor. It got a 30 out of 100, and the other flavor got an 80 out of 100. Let's bring it in. Oh, shit.

It's about to get scanned. Here we go. Oh, just start with cheese whiz. Start with cheese whiz. Cheese whiz. I'm going to scan this. Easy cheese. I do this a lot. She's good. I scanned her. She's good. She's 100 out of 100. Easy cheese. Here we go. Cheese whiz. Oh, my God. A two out of 100. Holy shit. Easy cheese pasteurized. Two out of 100. Additives. Five additives. Too high risk. Okay.

Oh my God. Look at these fucking sodium phosphate. This additive contains phosphorus, a minimal whose current intake exceeds recommendations, have a harmful effect on the kidneys and increased risk of cardiovascular disease. Calcium phosphates could be present in nanoparticles, increased cardiovascular kidneys. I mean, so this one's fucking out. The other day, let me tell you the meal I had with this. I had an Oscar Mayer wiener.

with a Twinkie as a bun cut in half with this on top. Amazing. It was so good. I guarantee you, I haven't been home, but I guarantee you that was my three-year-old's exact lunch. But dude, so what I like about the UCAP is they give recommendations. So this cheese whiz can go fuck itself, but then we got what's better. You ready for this? Yeah. How about this? You want a cheese? I'll tell you what cheese. Get the organic pasta four cheese from Organics. 82 out of a hundo. And that's got no additives. Holy shit.

All right. Yeah. Let's get which one. Which one do you think is possibly going to be good? Which one out of these do you think is healthy? Quest. Quest. Here we go. Let's fucking see. Out of a hundred. So bad. Fuck. Dude, let me tell you something. They're not a sponsor, right? I think I just buy them because they're keto. Dude, the additives are fucking crazy. The sodium's through. Now, I'm saying all this, but also I will tell you full disclosure, I ate a toasted blueberry muffin with butter on the way here.

And there was no barcode, so I couldn't scan it, so I just threw that puppy back. But this has calcium carbonate. This has all these things linked to cancer, linked to heart disease. So $69. Let me just give you a recommendation, though. You know what's a better one? You ready for this? You think these protein ones are good? What they're suggesting you eat are the Harvest Frito-Lay chips. Those are 51 out of 100.

Because they have no, because they're all about the, like they. So what they're doing is in order to get you low. Additives. And that's what causes problems. Because the calories and you can burn all that shit off. All right. Nerds will be good. Nerds will be healthy. Let's see what nerds are. I guarantee you if nerds even gets one point, I'd be shocked. Nerds is four out of a hundred. No!

I mean, get these the fuck out of here. Hang on. Zero carb mission tortillas. I fuck with these. 24 out of 100, folks. Not bad, considering my diet's been in the 18s. Not bad, but it's got 10 additives. These six of them are high risk that are directly linked to cancer. Jesus Christ, mayonnaise. Go mayonnaise. Mayonnaise.

Fucking come on mayonnaise. Come on mayonnaise. You're on everything. Come on. Come on. Let's go. You're on everything. This is a 15 out of 100. Jesus Christ. This is a 15 out of 100. Do I eat anything above 50? No. Let's see. Come on. Come on tuna fish. Come on tuna fish. Let's see if tuna's good. Come on tuna.

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This doesn't even have a fucking barcode. Get it out of here. Oh, edamame. The Japanese are healthy. Let's see what the Japanese are doing. Unless it was war work. Exactly. Japanese, 51 out of 100. It's not bad. I'll eat it. Not bad. 50 and over, and it's good. It says good. It's green. But dude, can you believe that? I'm getting that UCAP.

I won't read it out. Come on, LD. Come on, LD. Liquid death, 100 out of 100, folks. Fuck yeah, let's go. Drink your liquid death. It's mountain. Yeah, it's mountain water. It's still drinking water. God dang it. I'm going to get in this. I'm going through my whole thing. Dude, you get the Yuka app, and I'm telling you, but the only thing, don't scan alcohol. You don't want to see the alcohol. As a matter of fact, when you scan the alcohol, it just says, you know what you're doing. That's what I'm saying.

That's what it does. It goes, you know what you're doing and it won't give you a score. For real. Swear to God. So how much alcohol do you drink? Me? Yeah. I drink, well, I actually two weeks ago, two weeks ago I realized, because I'm not usually a big drinker, but two weeks ago I realized, I just thought back and I drank 31 days in a row.

but not drinking to get drunk. I just had a drink. You know what I mean? I just had a little cash drink. Me too, yeah. But so I've been trying to not drink as much, but I got to be honest with you, babe. Sometimes it's nice to just have a little wine. It's nice to have a little fucking tequila. Come on. You know what I mean? I like to just have that. A little vodka. A little vodka, just a sip, just a taste. Yeah. Because it's either that or I eat a fucking muffin, and the Yuka app's going to tell me don't eat the muffin. I'm trying not to drink tonight. Okay. You just literally told me you're going to drink before couples therapy, which is in 50 minutes. What?

no one brought me one. Right. When I went to our first couples therapy, I said, not a deal breaker, but I need to know, is it okay if I come in here drunk every now and then? What'd she say? Of course. 100%. She goes, why wouldn't you? She's a good therapist. She goes, I would love to. And then Leanne was like, please, I would love for you to see what you get when you use drunk. Yeah. Yeah. I've been doing, we're doing, I'm like, I'm,

I've won two. We've tied on two, I think. Yeah, it's good. That's good. A couple of therapy. Yeah. Yeah. We got a couple of therapy. It really helped us a lot. It was rocky at first because the couples therapist, after knowing us for a couple of weeks was like, maybe you guys should, maybe is there an idea of like entertaining a possible open relationship? Is that possible? Okay. And I swear to God, I said, I said, I'm not, no, I don't, I don't want to do that. That's not, you know, at all. And then she's like, okay. But then I said, but just to ask some followup questions, um,

what does that imply? Like, you know what I mean? Like, do you want to, what does that mean? And then, you know, it was just silent. And then when we, as soon as we left that fucking therapy session, I mean, my girl was pissed. She was like, follow-up questions. What's the fucking follow-up question?

And I was like, I don't know. Because I just, I think I thought that I got a little nervous about like, okay, one woman for the rest of my life, one woman for the rest of my life. So I just got frantic. But now I'm calm. Now I'm good. And I'm like, this is good. This is good. You want one woman. And we got a beautiful family. We got engaged now. So yeah, okay. So I've always been confused because like I listen to clips of the podcast on Instagram. Sure. Or on YouTube stories or YouTube.

And I go, wait, are they together? Are they broken up? Right. Honestly, sometimes we didn't even know. And sometimes we were just getting out of control. But now we are fully together. Yeah. We've committed. Yeah, it's just good. I want it to be that way. We got a family. We got our kids. And we've been good. Now we're engaged. And I say wife. I say we're married, but not technically married yet. But Puerto Ricans, they said, as long as you're engaged, you're fucking in. Yeah. That's what it is. So we're going to get married. We're going to do a Puerto Rican song, Get Married in My Backyard. For real. That's how we roll.

And so, and so, but it's fun. I like, you know what it is? I feel great being committed to it because then it's like, then it's like you just focus. Like you just say, I got my, I got my family. I got my wife. I got, we're going to do my career and we'll, and this is great. And the family's happy and everybody's happy. And I'm like, oh, I was just scared of the

The commitment. And that's why I was in therapy for years because I couldn't commit to anything. Girls, my career, my fucking hair. I just couldn't commit. And it's exhausting to not commit. It's literally exhausting. Fucking your hair is exhausting. You like that, dude? God, man. What's that like? What? Just to have that much hair. Dude, I just, well, you know, all my friends are bald.

So I just spiked this puppy up. I just did it up, and it's good. And also, I'm scanning my hair products on Yuka. I only use fucking 50, over 100 hair products. Are you serious? Because the creams, all the creams and lotions. You can do, like, lotions on Yuka? Dude, the lotions that you put on your body, some of these things are one out of 100. Some of them are just pure fucking cancer. Some of them are, like, you literally might as well just move to Chernobyl. It's like you're literally rubbing yourself down with Chernobyl juice.

But the Yuka app saves. I'm Chrissy Aveeno, dude. Aveeno's good for you. Okay.

I want to get this new... I just got a new face lotion from Dr. Diamond. Oh, my God. That is not going to get a good score. Oh, I bet. Dr. Diamond? Someone get me my Dr. Diamond lotion. Oh, my God. It's like $500. Dr. Diamond. It sounds like it's somebody in Trump's cabinet. Hey, someone bring it up, but bring it up the way it was presented to me. Yes. Give the whole presentation. Can we scan Dr. Diamond on the pod? Buddy? Yes. I hope it goes big. Oh, dude. I'm thinking about... What do you think about...

men getting plastic surgery. What I think about men getting plastic surgery is I think we shouldn't do it. Just like I think men should never get paternity leave money. I think a man who goes on paternity leave, I think men who go on paternity leave are... Look at this. Look at this guy. I'm going to scan this. Dr. Diamond. Hang on. Dr. Diamond. Dr. Diamond. Dr. Diamond is...

The best plastic surgeon in all of LA. Okay. And I don't know why he sent me this. Feel this, feel this. It's magneted. Magneted. Dr. Diamond, they said, is the best plastic surgeon in all of LA and he spells medicine M-E-T-A-C-I-N-E. I think it's a branding.

Wait, where's the, and it doesn't have a barcode. It doesn't have a barcode? Well, how does, oh, look, it already got Kaludu plum raspberry oil face mist. It just scanned something. It might be the mayonnaise. Yeah, it literally thought, wait, I literally, face mist just popped up. Hold on. It's just scanned it. Hold on. No, I don't know. There's no fucking barcode on it. Yeah, it's high end. It's got high end shit.

biomedic hey you know what dr diamond's medicine let me let me let me write him in okay i'm gonna write him in hold on he hit me he sent that to me and then i thought is it is it okay we're dr diamond's medicine plasma that's what this is called i think that is 49 out of 100. so it's poor it's not bad it's got fenix ethanol which is a moderate risk

which is just a potential allergen, but it's actually, this one is mostly green. Good fucking Dr. Diamond. Dr. Diamond actually came through. Dr. Diamond actually came through with, I'm surprised by that. Dr. Squatch is the better doctor, they're saying here. Dr. Squatch? They're saying Dr. Squatch is excellent. Dr. Diamond's poor. That's what they're saying. Okay, well, I'm going to err on Dr. Diamond. Squatch is the one you get in Target, right? Squatch is the one you get in Target, but Squatch is the one Joe Rogan uses on his pits.

For real? Joe Rogan, when I did the show a couple of weeks ago, he, me and Giannis went on, his trainer went on, and he told us to smell his pits. And because he said that he's scentless. And we smelled this Dr. Squatch armpit juice, and it was fucking awesome. So I could see why this is 100. Really? This is Rogan pit approved. Dr. Squatch. Yeah.

This is good, dude. See, this will go in my ass. Look at that. Oh, my God. So I had a debate with my wife and my parents. So I was thinking everyone's going to get hair transplants. Everyone's going to Turkey. Everyone's going to Turkey. As a matter of fact, Ari is just texting me and said, I would like to make a group trip for all of us to go to Turkey together. They will fucking kill Ari in Turkey.

That is the enemy of all enemies. I mean, they couldn't think of a worse person. I think historically someone did kill Ari's types in Turkey. I mean, yeah. They are actually waiting for fucking Ari to turn him into Turkey. They're going to put him under. He's going to wake up and they'll be like, it'll be just like the old, the Mendela. Yeah. Was it Mendela? Yeah. Dude, Ari's going to be fucking packaged and scanned on the Yuka app after he goes to Turkey. God, I hope somebody kills Ari. He's so great. Just watch him go to hell. Oh, man.

- It would be. - It was just comedy. - It was just comedy. - Yeah, all his fucking jokes. - I was debating with Leanne about plastic surgery, about getting your hair done or getting like a CO2 laser treatment. - Right. - Any of that shit. - Right. - And Leanne's theory about all of it is you wanna age,

Because you've earned those lines. You've earned that. That shows the life you've lived. It's a gift to get. She's like a rock in an ocean that the waves just hit every fucking day. Yes. And one day it's just sediment. Maybe that's a bad example. I agree. I see what you mean. Leanne is a rock in the ocean. Yeah. And she goes, do not get hair transplants. Leanne is wet. Leanne is... Yeah.

But what do you think about if you found out a guy got Botox or got collagen in his cheeks? Here's what... Whatever you want to do. Your body, your choice. Whatever you want to do. When guys don't start to get Botox and...

It just makes me think you're a little insecure. And the thing that scares me the most of any and the person I want to be around, I mean, the fucking least in my life is an insecure man. Oh, no. Insecure men. By the way, I am probably pretty insecure. Yeah, but you're not, though. But I'm insecure comedy heavy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm insecure and the thing I do is I lean towards comedy and that's my makeup. And so it's okay. Yeah, you're a hundred out of a hundred on the UCAP. You're good. You won't catch me looking in the mirror too much at myself. You won't, no. But I'm talking about a guy who's getting collagen and Botox. It's just weird. It's just because the insecurity of it. It's like we're guys, dude. We're supposed to eventually just look like our balls. And I just believe that.

At the end, you look like your testicle. Right? Yeah. That's what it is. You go back to what the creator is of your fucking sack. Yeah. So I don't want to do any plastic surgery like that. I'll put product in my hair. You know, I'll try to look relatively presentable. Yeah. You know, I'm going on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. My whole offer, it's from Zara. You boy don't fuck around. And so, you know, shout out Zara, dude. I stepped up. Queen Center Mall, shout out Woodhaven Boulevard.

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So I almost wore a collared shirt for this today because I'm at a point where I go I think I dress like a child right like I dress like a child, but it's fun. It's you

I know, but I start getting in my head about, should I be dressing and acting like a 52-year-old? Right. No. Sandler sure as hell doesn't. He doesn't. And look at him. But he's got a style. Right. You have a style. You do. No shirt, jeans, flip-flops. No shirt, jeans, and flip-flops. You're the only guy. I've said this before. You're the only man who I genuinely like who wears jeans and flip-flops.

Most men who wear jeans and flip-flops, I want to walk up to them and say, if you think your wife's not cheating on you, you're mistaken. There's no way she's turned on by seeing your fucking toes. Okay? You New York guys are not a fan of bare feet. I hate... No, but the thing is, you...

I don't know what it is. You're just the guy and everyone's, you just, the way you do it, maybe because it's, you're the opposite of insecure. You're confident with it. And I'm like, that's just Bert being Bert. I mean, you're barefoot. You know what I mean? I'm barefoot right now. You're barefoot right now. You make me want to take my shoes and socks off. And I like that. But,

But I don't like a sandal. I don't like it. I don't think it's – the last thing I want to see is your toes moving. So when you and your wife go on vacation, you go to the beach, do you put on socks and sneakers? She's Puerto Rican, so she wants to go to the beach a lot, and I will – I refuse – yeah, I have sneakers on, and I'll take the socks off usually, and I'll just go – I'll fucking – I'll put on slip-on Skechers.

Like my dad. I'll put on water shoes. The last thing you'd see is my feet, dude. I hate my... It's just gross. For real? It's just... Well, it's just like I'd almost rather... I'd rather literally...

For me, it's, if you were like, what's gayer? For real, what's gayer? A man's foot on your, a man's foot on your face or his balls on your nose? I would say his foot on my face. Because the balls on the nose is like, that's just high school getting teabagged. Shout out Coach Curran. But, but. Camp. Camp. In 1987. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but the.

The sandals, I think it's just so... You're a Florida guy. So in New York, nobody would be wearing jeans and sandals. When I first moved to New York, I wore a pair of Keno flip-flops. Keno is like the Florida flip-flop. You get them in Key West. They're made out of tires by Cuban women. They cost like $10.00.

And they last forever. And I wore Kino flip flops everywhere. And my toenails were painted. Right. And we're talking 1999. Yes. And I would go on stage and Puerto Rican dudes would just be like, what the fuck? Yeah. I remember there was a Dominican guy that told me I need to put socks on.

Yes. He's like, you need socks on those. Well, Dominicans do that. That's the difference. When you're a kid, you learn Puerto Ricans will wear sandals with just bare foot and Dominicans throw a sock on and put on a sandal. So I go, if anything, I lean towards Dominican. Yeah. Even though my family's Puerto Rican, but I do have, if I'm going to put on sandals, it's Dominican style. Yeah. Yeah. Are your kids more Puerto Rican or more Italian? More Puerto Rican. They're the most Puerto Rican. Do they look Puerto Rican? They look, now my daughters are starting to look real fucking Puerto Rican. For real? Like real deal Puerto Rican, dude. My nine-year-old is fucking just a tattoo on her tit. Yeah.

And so they're starting to look real deal, bro. That clip we did a long time ago. Oh, yeah. And we were talking about, you were like, I'm just, I think you got emotional. I did. I started crying. And then I started crying. And that was like the, I think that was the first out of many times I started crying. Yes. That was like my first where I was like, because I got, I was like, I never would cry because I was like, people are going to think you're weak.

And then I got such positive feedback from that one clip. Yeah. Like, that's how I met Izzy, Israel Adesanya. Oh, really? He DM'd me about that clip. He goes, dude, this is powerful shit. Yeah. You and him having this conversation is strong, man. Yeah. I can't wait till you come to New Zealand. I want to see your stand up. And I was like, okay. Yeah.

but that has, how has that been? Like that clip with, with no, with, with working and being around for your kids. So, so what it's been now is, is, is, is I've, I now like, I just have a rule. I only go away.

two weekends a month max or sometimes one if I can make enough money to justify one then it's just one so I'm just like I just for me but everybody's different for me I'm just like the guy like I don't want to be first of all I get very uncomfortable leaving the original 13 colonies to begin with I'm an original 13 guy I'm big on the founding fathers I believe in their version of America which is the fucking original 13 puppy

Doesn't even include Florida. You can make a lot of money in just those 13. Well, that's what I'm trying to do. I want Chrissy. I want to go back on just the original 13 colony tour. And I like, I don't, I like the session. Chris. Yeah, dude. Chrissy, the fucking Patriot. Yeah.

And so I, Sons of Liberty Chrissy. So I like coming out to California and all these places. I really do. But I just want to be close to my family. It's just how I am. Comedy for me, I love doing it. I really do. But I didn't ever, I was never the guy that knew the history of comedy. I didn't watch any comedy movies. I didn't know. I just started doing it as a goof. I was a physical therapist. I fucking did an open mic at the Maui Taco. But I was a physical therapist. Like fully, that was my life.

And then I just liked it and then very quickly got on MTV and then shit just started going, going, going. And now it's become like the whole career. And I'm just like been lately questioning like, is this actually what I want to do though? I don't know if – I think it is, but I'm like I don't know because like I see guys that fucking love it. Yeah. And I'm just like I don't know that I do – I love it. I like having fun. I'm having fun with you right now. But it's like do I love it?

I don't know. I've never been... I don't know. Like, I'm very, very, very, very, very comfortable being in third place. Like, I have... Bert, when I mean zero, I'm talking about fucking zero out of 100 on the Yuka app desire to be the best ever. I couldn't fucking care less, dude. I don't want to be the best. That would suck. I was... I felt the same way you did for a very long time. Yeah, but look at how big you are now. No, but I think what happened with me is I... You get... This... I mean, this is exactly what happens is...

You take on a responsibility like a movie where you're the star of it or a TV show or a tour or you create a tour or you do an arena tour where you you had no in that was never my in my goal was never to try to be like like a fucking you know, I want to be the fucking man. I remember Schultz came on my podcast when I backed it out of my house or my old old house and

And I was like, so what's the goal? And he was like, to be the GOAT. And I was like, what? And he was like, I'm coming after Chappelle and I'm coming after Bill Burr. And I was like, I remember hearing that going like, I just hope they think I'm funny. Yeah, I don't have that in me at all. But what happens is you start...

doing bigger things and then all of a sudden you have to it gets out of control it gets totally out of control and you have 15 people working for you and you've got a vodka company and a 5k and a summer festival and a cruise and an arena tour and a movie and a tv show and another movie and three movies in development you're writing another movie with another guy and then you're like wait

I don't know what... What did I get into this for? Right, right. It's almost like you go, like, what were we talking about? Yeah. And you're just a little lost. And I think it's cool that, like, you and Stavi are the two people that I look at where you guys...

have no issue stepping back and getting off the merry-go-round. I have two very, very, very specific goals, and I've had them from the beginning. One, my first goal was to have a sitcom about my father, like, on the air in my family, so that's in development right now, so God willing, it goes, but that's like a goal that I'm really trying. If this one doesn't work, I'll try again, because it's very specific. And then the second is to headline Madison Square Garden, because I'm from New York, and I'm doing that September 11, 2025. I'm doing the garden. You're doing it on September 11? Yeah.

Yeah. Isn't that fucking wild, dude? That's crazy. Pre-sale codes Hamas. Is it really? No. They wouldn't let me. That's so good. Yeah. That's so... You're doing the fucking garden this September. For real, for real. Yes, Ron Funch commented nice. Thank you, Ronnie. Appreciate that. And shout out Ron Funch.

And Ron Funches. But yeah, I'm doing that. So this is what I... So for me, and it's not about being the GOAT, which I respect Schultz doesn't... Hold on, hold on. You realize that if you headline Madison Square Garden, you're putting your name in the hat.

That's what I mean. But that's the thing for me, is that I couldn't, like, here's, you want to know my career for real, for real? I'm doing Madison Square Garden and headlining the arena September 11, 2025. September 19th, your boy's doing the Milwaukee Improv. And I'm not going to sell it out. And that's just what it is. And so, but in New York, which I've only ever cared about, you know, I'm just... You are so

You are such a New York comic. Yeah. You give two fucks about the rest of the country. I don't fucking care. I mean, shout out Milwaukee. Shout out Jeffrey Dahmer. But I literally, I literally, my goal has been, so I've worked up the chain. You know, you do the venues, town hall, then the beacon, then radio city, then the theater at MSG. And now they put me on the big one. And this is to me,

Like how, like making it like the goat, that's what it is to me. For me, it's not about the other stuff. It's, I just want to be big in New York. And so that's my, that's my goal. And, and the tickets are the tickets, you know, we're on sale right now, christycomedy.com. So come see me September 11th, 2025. I have tickets.

you know, the September 11th story that I've told. That's like my mini, mini, mini machine. It's like the thing that I'm known for. I'm going to tell that at the end. And then I got special guests coming out. And we just thought, you know, we were going to do this

anyway but I was like I want to give I was going to give like money till I was going to give like money to like a 9-11 foundation but now what I want to do is I want to just give like 500 tickets to like first responders that's a better move so we're going to just do that as opposed to a foundation it gets lost in the fuck I want the first responders I want the first responders there so everyone my class like dude my like Montreal just for laughs class was fucking nuts it was like

hassan minaj michael che sam moral mark normand fucking brooks wheelen there's like some but there's other people that i'm like forgetting that are like it was like one of those montreal class i was like holy shit balls famous famous oh yeah dude shane schultz they know like they know everyone like i was at the laker game with schultz we were sitting next to each other it was great and you know just get recognized you know obviously by everyone but then you know like

the coach of the Lakers is JJ Redick and like they're walking by and like, JJ's like, oh, what up Schultz? And it's just like, oh, you're just like friend, like you just know people. I'm still not that. Like I'm not even, I'm not saying that I'm not like that, but I just, I'm always shocked if a celebrity knows me. Sure. Like how many times I've said to people, you know my name? Right. And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, shut the fuck up.

Fuck up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. It's a weird thing. I mean, but yeah. I mean, you, but I guess because you can't see you from the outside. I can't. We can see you. I would assume that they couldn't see them from the outside. Right. Like, I'm always shocked that Shane is as comfortable with his fame as he is because I remember when he wasn't famous. Right. I remember, what's crazy is I remember trying to introduce him to Diplo, and

And he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, just don't. Just don't. He was so uncomfortable. I remember trying to introduce him to Guy Fieri, and he was like, I'm good, I'm good, I'm just going to stay in the back. And I was like, okay, that's Shane. Last week, I see a picture with him, Guy Fieri, and Diplo. And I was like, oh. Just hanging out. And he's like totally casual. Sure. Because, you know, it's, but he's remained who he is, which that's what I love about it. You want to talk about penises, you ever seen Diplo's dick? No. Pull it up.

Are you serious? I mean, you want to talk about a fucking pocket rocket? Really? Whoa. Diplo's penis. Whoa, whoa, wewa. No, but there's pictures of his beef. You got to take your fucking safety off. Yeah, take the safety off. Filters, filters. His actual hard penis is out there. I need his actual penis. His actual hard penis. I used to have it. I used to try to pass it along as dick pics for me. Whoa, whoa, what? No, this isn't it. Is that it on the upper left maybe? Is that it? Who's that? Orlando Bloom?

Who takes it after they took a piss? Yeah. I don't know. No, that's not it. A lot of dick dicks. Oh, no. It's... Damn it. I wish... I don't have it in my phone anymore. Goddamn Jasmine started deleting it all. The UCAP. It should be on the UCAP. His Pace Dick's 100 out of 100. No additives. Diplo's got a big dick, huh? Diplo's got a nice piece. Now, yeah. He fucks a lot.

I don't know if he's in a relationship or what he's doing. No, that's the one. That's the kind of guy that is like afraid of commitment. Yeah. Once you get to like, what is he? He's got to be like 45, right? Right. 40. He's been around for a while.

And he has the kind of life where every night it's a show, then a private jet, then a show, then a private jet. And I mean, I just, I guess he like pencils in pussy here and there. That's a guy who's like, why would I get rid of this? Right. To like move outside the city and the suburbs. Right. Because you could, because like Tito Vici killed himself over it. I just found out who that guy was. Yeah. I never knew who Vici was. And I saw it on, uh,

My name's Bill or something is the documentary on Netflix. And I start watching it and I'm like, oh, this kid's cool shit. And then I start recognizing songs. I was like, oh, I know this song. I know this song. And both my daughters walked in and they're like, oh my God, he killed himself. And I was like, wait, I'm not at the end yet, you assholes. Yeah, yeah, he fucking, he killed himself because of this lifestyle. Do you think the lifestyle would have ever caught up with you? Do you think that you spending time with your family the way you do grounds you and then... Yeah, after the nighttime you get chlamydia, you're like, you know what?

I don't need to walk this off anymore. Why don't we just retire the good old dick and balls? And then now at least I know when I have a little pain during urination, I said, it's not an STD. It could be cancer, but that's better. At least it's just a fucking prostate cancer. You know, because I, you know that, and I also just felt like,

I kind of felt like there's no way I'm going to be able to even make it through this career unless I have some type, like you have your rock in the ocean, Leanne. Yeah. Right? So like I, that's what I have. I have my empanada. Okay.

I have my empanada in the fryer, Jasmine. You have your bodega. I have my bodega. You have your corner bodega. My bodega. Because she's, you know, my little plantano. Because she, you know, and it's just nice to come home and be like, you know, have someone who's taking, like we feel like a good unit now. I take care of the career stuff and our family, you know, and our family has what they want. And then she takes care of the kids and the house and the home. And then it all works together. And it's like symbiotic, you know? It's the best thing.

is when you feel like a fucking team. Yeah. When you look and you go, this is my team. Right. These are my guys. This is my starting lineup. Yeah. And this is, and we've got each other's backs. Yes. Oh, it's the best. It's amazing. Yeah, I do feel like I have a basketball, I do feel like we're like a basketball team and two of my children are black. But I am their father. Yeah. Yes. Is that hers from the other one? No, they're my kids, but they're just turned, they came out, two of them came out black. No.

And we did the DNA test, and it's not, it's pending. Okay, good. But they are my children. Yeah. Tanisha. Tanisha. And Tarif. God.

But yeah, you know, I, because, you know, the thing is for me is I, you know, we have our three kids, have stepson and our two biological daughters. And they, you know, a lot of people get married and have kids, but we had kids and then got married. So it's kind of cool for us because we're like, oh, our kids now will have memories of like our wedding, of when we proposed. Like my kids were involved in it all. So I kind of, there is like a little silver lining of that.

A part of me is like, I wish I would have just fucking done this years ago so I wouldn't short sell my house in Staten Island. That's what I did. Because I thought I was like, oh, we're not going to work out. So I was like, let's sell our fucking beautiful home with a 2.8% interest rate. But it's really just because I was scared to commit to anything. And now I'm fucking out there, fucking dick in the wind with mortgage rates at 7%.

You're fucking 20% sold in the presale. Do you run all your money? Huh? Do you run all your money? So are you good with money? I'm more responsible with money now than I've ever been. I have an accountant, of course, that I talk to. I talk to my accountant every day.

Really? Because I want to have a relationship with him where I'm like, what are we investing in? What are we doing? Because that is my, I feel that's my responsibility. Like we have a little bit of an old school relationship in the sense of like, I do the money, the finance, I bring home the bacon and then she takes care of the home. So do you have like a login to your bank account? Yes. And you can check your money right now? All day. It's on your phone. And I got it diversified. We got some, you know, we got some invested. We got some in the cash account. We got some in the kids' 529. We got some in fucking Bitcoin. Bitcoin.

Do you have some in Bitcoin? Got a little crypto, baby. Woo! Chrissy Crypto. I grabbed those coins like fucking Mario. For real? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Dude, I bought a couple of biddies low. I bought a couple of biddies in 2021, son. For real? So now, yes. So nothing's appreciated like that, like the bit. I don't go crazy with it. I got a friend who has 100% of his money in Bitcoin. Ha!

I'm like, bro. Who signed the contract where they wanted their signing bonus? An NFL player. I don't know who it is, but he has to have the most money in the NFL because of how much it went up. He has to. Now, I don't understand it all, but I don't need to understand it. So you ready for this? Yes. So when we did the first Sober October, so it was before that. So before Odell Beckham took his 2021 salary in Bitcoin, $700,000 in Bitcoin.

What does he got now? Wait, what? He bought 750 grand of Bitcoin? Yeah. Yo, holy schmoly. What is his Bitcoin worth now? What is Odell's Bitcoin worth now? Right there. Oh, I'm sorry. Would be worth about what? How is that? No, it's got to be more worth more than that.

Only from 750? Well, I don't know when you had to buy it. That's 2023. Oh, okay. So it's been kind of fluctuating there. Right, that's true. This is my biggest regret. I didn't have money then, so I couldn't have done this. But I was doing Rogan's podcast, and I think Red Band was still doing the boards before Jamie. Oh, wow. Okay.

Okay, this is back in the day. I remember in this episode red band said I said I didn't believe that women could squirt and Red band said I can make your wife squirt and Joe got snapped at him I mean was like hey, that's fucking inappropriate. You can't do that. Remember that moment. She's a rock in the ocean. Yeah and Brian bought up Bitcoin and Joe casually said we should each buy $3,000 with a Bitcoin had we done that and

I think I did the evaluation. It was like 2006, right when Bitcoin came out. Right. Like right when, it was like 2016, 2017. It would, see what Bitcoin, if you had 3,000 now, would be. So what was it? What was the cost of one Bitcoin in 2016? Yeah. One BTC, Bitcoin, BTC, baby. 963 bucks.

Was on Bitcoin. So if I bought $3,000, I would have had... I would have had like five Bitcoins? You would have had... No, no, no. Three Bitcoin. No, you would have had 3,000 Bitcoin. They were basically 963, so you'd have had like a little under 3,000 Bitcoin, right? No, no, no. You were saying you would have taken... Huh? I'd have three Bitcoins. He was only spending 3,000. I was only going to spend 3,000. Oh, spending 3,000. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So then how much would three Bitcoin be today? Three.

So it's a good investment. Yeah, that would have been a good investment. But the people who make the real, real money is when Bitcoin was like 22 cents and they bought like, you know, they put like 10 grand in it. That's when it's nuts. It's just crazy. I didn't understand Bitcoin. Can you explain Bitcoin to someone who doesn't understand it? Can you explain the concept of Dogecoin, Bitcoin, Huk2a coin? What was your take on Huk2a coin? Should they have put her to death? Yes. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes, Haktua. See, the meme coins and stuff, I don't know. And I don't really, I don't fucks with that. Yeah. I just stay standard Bitcoin. And for me, the thing with Bitcoin is, yes, I can explain it. I really can. I don't know how it is. Some Japanese guy. I have no, it's- I don't understand mining for Bitcoin. Anything from the brain of an Asian is too complex for me. That's why I don't watch anime. Dude, the brain of an Asian, I don't know what it is. When they lost, this is when Asians lost me. Tentacle porn.

Yes. And I was like, okay, it turns me on and I don't know why. And I know it's not real. And now I'm turned on. You're done. I'm done with Asians. I'm done. So anything that comes from that, that's a beautiful brain, like Elon Musk probably has an Asian brain. I would imagine his brain is Asian. I mean, can you believe he's from South Africa? Right. And have you met South Africans? No.

No. They're not all like that. I believe that. They're like the rednecks of Africa. Right. And it's just fucker. He's coming out. He's good. And so my thing is like, yes, I can't explain Bitcoin. And,

And I don't know how it fluctuates or whatever, but I also really can't explain inflation and why the federal reserve decides to do what they do either. So in a way it's like, you can show me all this, you know, trigonometry, but it's like at the end of the day, it's just somebody saying rates are up cause they're up and they're down cause they're down and it fluctuates like that. So that's the same as Bitcoin. So for me, just because you can't explain it, it's like if I kept asking you questions about us money, eventually be like, I don't, I don't know. Uh,

I can explain it to you. Yeah. I can explain it to you. Yeah. You ready? Yes. And you'll like this. This is a history. By the way, I'm not like you. I can't recite the exact history. I can just tell you kind of what it was about. Right. Yeah. I'm like autistic with history. Like you start asking because I'm like 1776, 1777. Do you really? I started to go like that. So the first American currency was introduced in...

In like 1800s. Yeah. They were using coins because you could feel them in your hand. Right. You could hold them. And they were the value of that gold coin. You knew that was the value of the thing. So they're like, yo, we got to take over Canada. Right. And they're like, we need like 3000 soldiers, but we don't have any money.

to give you guys. So don't, we're not gonna go back to Mesopotamia. Well, maybe it was, maybe it was 1775. But anyway, so this is the story. So they said, let's just make paper currency, okay? And we'll just say, yo, we'll give you this and we're gonna take over this town. We're gonna get all their fucking shit. And we get all their shit. You give me this and I'll give you that much and their shit. Yeah. Right? And so everyone's like, okay.

So they gave everyone fucking $3,000 in – or $300 in paper currency. They went in, took over the fucking city. They won. Had they not won, it wouldn't have worked. Right. But they won. And then everyone went, here's my thing. Can I get my stuff back? And the guys were like, yeah. And a lot of guys were like, I'll just hold on to this. And then when they were like –

yo, this is easier than this. - Sure. - So they're like, yo, I'll take these and let's just use these from now on. But they said it, the guy said when he said it, he goes, it only works if we all believe in it.

it so we are we no one can say no everyone's got to believe in it right and that's the shit with bitcoin yeah everyone's got to believe in it so it's real though but as soon as everyone believes in it it's good once jp morgan and all them are investing hundreds of millions of dollars like it's stop if you it's not going anywhere i'm not i'm not a big you know proponent i don't again i can't understand i'm not telling you put all your money in but you can't actually ignore it anymore i put i put a small percentage

Of my portfolio in that. And I just, it grows. And my thing is I'm comfortable if it did go to zero, it's a risk. It's a high volatile risk thing that I have. But yeah, I don't, I can't explain. Dude, I can't explain anything to you. It's like, you know. I can't explain anything. I was telling this to Peter. We were looking at some show on Netflix and the guys had a Honus Swagner rookie card. Sick. And.

You know who Honus Wagner was? Honus Wagner. Hall of Famer. Yes. And my sister Pete's like...

I would never pay that much money for that. And I was like, yeah, but you got to understand, it's worth it. He's like, not to me. And I went, that's Bitcoin. That's Bitcoin. Oh, we just believe it. The baseball card right there, the Honus Wagner, the baseball cards are mini Bitcoins. By the way, Honus Wagner, I mean, what the face of a Nazi? You want to talk about Nazi head? They all were. If this kid, he would have been hitting home runs, except the balls were Jews. Yeah.

We watched Inglourious Bastards on tour in Europe with our tour manager who's German. The best. That was really fun to watch him go, yeah, those are some bad guys. Bad guys. This is so horrible. Knowing full well those are his grandparents. And we're like, Ben, man, this is crazy what they're doing.

I was on, I was, I did bad friends yesterday. I was talking about Madison Square Garden and then we pulled up how the Nazis sold out Madison Square Garden in 1938. Do you know about that? Everyone does after Tony Hinchcliffe set. Yeah. Everyone does. But we were just thinking like how funny it was like, you know, like the, like the MC was like, and now welcome to Manu Hiddity. Hitler!

Hitler! Hitler! It's coming out. I heard someone pissing and moaning that Hitler's Heil Hitler wasn't even like a full Heil Hitler. It was like a phoned in one. Yeah. Well, you know, they were on meth, you know, like ponzo chocolate, like chocolate, like that, that thing. And you know, it's a lot. You know, it's one thing people don't know a lot when I, you know, I again, love a history. I love World War Two and colonial America.

A lot of these German soldiers, these Nazis, you know, they were definitely the SS and the bad ones. 1000% like pieces of shit, garbage people. A lot of them were good guys. Well, FOMA. So not those guys. No, all those guys were scum. But some of the Nazi army, the German army, they had no choice. They were like, either you join the army right now or we kill you.

Oh, yeah. And so they weren't working the concentration camps. They weren't even maybe – some of them were not anti-Semitic at all. They were like, we don't want to do this. But then they gave them like this crystal meth basically because they would even give it to the soldiers. They would definitely give it to the SS guards. Then they would give it to the army. And then the war ends. The drugs start to go out of your system. You start to have these mental health crises. They would suicide through the roof. And when they went back to Germany or whatever country they –

had to join the Nazis from, they were hated and they would be murdered. So it was like, there's a period of like 10 years after the World War II, like it's really bad for like quote unquote innocent German people. Yeah. That's when my family came here.

Oh, for real? Yeah, because I... From Italy? No, most of my ancestry is German. Really? To the point where I'm not even sure, because I did the Ancestry.com and it said 98% German. So I'm like, was DiStefano a cover name? I don't know if it was a cover. Could you guys have lived in the Alps? Well, here's the thing. When I was a little kid, when I was a little kid, this is true, when I...

Grew up in Ridgewood, Queens, which is a historically German neighborhood. Okay. But I, I, when I was a little kid, people, the older people, older German people were still living there. They've died off now, but they would come up to me if I was like seven years old, walking in a store and they'd be like, hi, this fight, I, you know, like, and I'd be like, well, I don't know German, but they thought I was German. Cause my hair, I look like a little fucking German. And then there was a, you do kind of look German. There was a guy who my grandpa, my grandpa is American fought with the Americans in world war two.

my grandpa would always have coffee with our neighbor across the street, great guy, whatever. And he would say they're war buddies. And then he died. My grandpa died. And then his name was Charles. And I remember asking my mom like years later, remember Charles, you know, pops and we used to call my grandpa pops, pops and Charles, whatever. And he's like, yes. And what a beautiful story of those two, huh? You know? And I was like, yeah, I mean, it's great war buddies. Did they fight in like the same platoon? She was like, what do you mean? I was like, what do you mean? Like beautiful story? Like they met at the war. Right. And she was like,

Kind of. And I was like, what do you mean? Where did they meet? And she was like, honey, Charles was a Nazi. And I was like, what? She was like, yeah, he came here. He fought with the German army and he just lived here. And I was like, oh, I was like, totally different story. I didn't know that. That's why, you know, he slapped canishes out of my hand.

Because the German, because like SS, so like there's a documentary, The Devil Next Door, this SS guard. So like those guys, the government still will hunt them down and arrest them. But if you were just like a German soldier that was just like forced to fight in the army, which I guess this guy Charles was, it was like you just fought in the other side and it was-

Okay, I guess. Yeah. But it's interesting. My favorite Nazi story is Alex Eichmann, where they got him from, they extracted him. Is it Eichmann? It's Eichmann, I know, but I don't know if it's Alex Eichmann. Just hit enter and it'll come up. They pulled him out of Brazil.

Adolf Eichmann. Adolf Eichmann, a little different. Alex. American him up. Yeah. And they brought him to Israel. And a lot of people in Israel didn't believe in the Holocaust. A lot of Israelis didn't believe it because they're like, so hold on. They killed everyone, but you guys are still here? Right. Tell me how bad was it if you made it out? Right. And...

And then they brought, when they took him and they held him on trial in Israel, he is the reason that people started believing the Holocaust because he told the stories of, yeah, this is what we did. This is what we did. And he was saying, I was just a guy. I was doing my job. I was doing my job. And you're like, wow, my grandfather was in World War II.

He went in and cleared out Nazi death camps or whatever. Concentration camps. Concentration camps. And saw his relatives, his cousins as Nazis and was like, that would have been me. Yeah. It's crazy. It's crazy shit. Do you think, because I'm into a lot of history as well. Do you think when you listen to these stories of...

of Americans getting drafted or in Vietnam or Korea or World War II or World War I seems to be the fucking worst in my opinion. That was wild. Do you think that you...

Could have done that? Could have given up your free will and listened to a man going, all right, I want everyone out of this foxhole and everyone charge the berm? I'm going to say no. I couldn't at all. I'm going to say no. I mean, all... I couldn't at all. 9-11 happened and a lot of kids in my high school joined the army. It was a lot of patriotism back then. And I literally was online looking at ways to get excluded from the army. And I swear to God, one of them was if you have psoriatic arthritis...

which I was able to mentally convince myself I had and be able to prove in a court of law that I did have to avoid going to the army. So I literally...

So I'm going to say that I'm going to give you, the answer is no. I think if, you know, like when you watch like movies about like colonial America. Yeah. I think I'd be the drummer in the back. I'd be that guy, the drummer holding the flags and just get a cannonball to the head immediately. I bet I could have been, I bet I could have focused in med school to become a medic. Right. I could have been like, no, I can apply myself. Yeah. As a matter of fact, I don't mind reading. I like reading. Yeah. I don't want to go to the fucking, I could not.

I've been in the military when you hear those stories. No way, dude. I couldn't do it. And here's one. This one is my favorite little bit of history. Okay. We went to Serbia to shoot the machine. Sure. Streaming on Netflix. Shout out. And we saw a statue of Gavriela Pritsip. Okay. I'm not familiar. Gavriela Pritsip is type of man. Spell it correctly too. Don't fuck around. I think good luck.

He is Gavriolo Pritsip. He shot the Franz Ferdinand, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, to start World War II. World War I. This one man affected history bigger than anyone ever. And here's my connection. I mean, by the way, just real quick, just look at this guy. This guy looks like he's in his mid-60s. He died at 24. Yeah. Yeah.

He died in prison at 24 in Chechnya, I think. I don't know. Maybe in Croatia. But anyway, he is the biggest hero in Serbia. He is a hero because this man created Yugoslavia, basically. What he did is he stood up. He was part of the Young Turks, I think. And he started that. Now here's what's crazy. So when they shot that CEO... Yes, yes.

Same energy right that people look at that kid as a hero and he it reminds me of it is Gabriella Pritzip Right of like this one gunshot Changes the world. This is the Luigi Manzioni of Serbia. Yeah, I mean listen. Here's the thing with the CEO I I don't like it. I don't like a murder in the street at all But I I mean, you know as well as anybody I mean this healthcare industry. I mean, it's piggish dude. It's

It's piggish, dude. I'll tell you what. I've come out and said it out loud. I hate that people are celebrating this guy's murdering of a person. No good. It's horrible. He has family. He has children. He's a human being. I'll tell you one thing. It's shining a light on how bad the healthcare system is. Hell yeah. I mean, imagine. I don't know. I feel like I'm talking shit. But imagine sacrificing your own life to change a system.

That's what this guy did. That's what this guy did. And that's what that guy did. I'm not that guy. Right. But it's crazy that that's a thing. I know. I'd like to give Luigi Manzioni a fucking colonoscopy. I mean, what a hottie with a body. That guy's 100 out of 100 on the Yuka app. I understand an ugly guy killing people. But a good looking guy? What are you killing people for? Dude, seriously. Like Ted Bundy. He could have just fucked him. Gorgeous.

Gorgeous man. John Wayne Gacy, I get it. Just get out of here. He's being disgusting. John Wayne Gacy, totally get it. I mean, look at this kid, dude. Jeffrey Dahmer, understood. Yeah. Understood. Look at, I mean, you know, he's got those lips. Just give him a little kiss.

Yeah, I don't know. I just went to Florence, Italy for the first time. You ever go? Yeah. You went? A number of times. To Florence specifically? Yeah. What do you go there for? Just to hang out? To work. I always went there to work. What do you mean? What were you doing? I worked on Travel Channel. Oh, shit. That's right. Yeah, I was just there recently with Leanne and the girls. Yeah, we took them there. How many times have you been back and forth to Italy? Oh, yeah.

Oh, I had one month where it was three. I had one month where I went to Italy three times. From the United States to Italy? From LA to Italy, back and forth three times. For the show? Yeah, for the show. For most scenes for work. I've been to Italy probably 12 times. Wow.

- Wow, and you always go to Florence? - Every time, you gotta go to Florence, Rome, and Venice are the places to go. But I've also been down to Bari, down to the very bottom, been over to Greece through there. What's crazy to me, what's crazy, so when I travel, I obsess about the history of that place. And I get really into the history of that place, and I wanna know things about that place. And this last trip to Italy, I was obsessed with Mussolini. - Dude, obsessed. - Mussolini is just,

Mussolini's a lot like Nero. So Nero apparently wasn't that bad of an emperor. He was...

He just got a bad rap because the three dudes after him kept fucking up. And so the guy that came three dudes after Nero was like, yo, in order for myself to look good, I got to make your ex-boyfriend look bad. So he trashed Nero. He fiddled when Rome burned. Truth is, they hadn't invented the fiddle yet. The fiddle wasn't even around, so that's not a real story. They did the same thing with Mussolini. Mussolini was like, he invented fascism.

Like he invented it. Yeah. His, his only shortcoming was like, he thought he was going to be best friends with Hitler. He thought he was going to be best friends with Stalin. And so when they killed him, they were like, yo, let's trash his memory. Yeah. And so they trashed his memory and they made all these big gestures that went over a nation, foolish gestures. Right. Like, look at him. Like,

So I was obsessed with Mussolini. It's interesting. Yeah, see, Mussolini's a guy I don't know a lot about. I mean, they hung his body upside down. With piano wire. And his mistress next to her. And her dress went over her head. And then the women came in and tucked her dress to respect her. Respect. His wife lived. His mistress got murdered. Got murdered. That's what happens. Don't cheat.

I think that's very fascinating. Yeah, because when I went to Florence, it's a culture I didn't know much about. For real? With a last name like DeStefano? Yeah, but I told you I'm mostly German, so I don't know. But your dad's straight up.

No, and he told me that his mom was half German too. But he's culturally Italian. He's culturally Italian, yeah, but I'm just full of Axis blood. I'm all about the Axis powers, dude. And I have a Japanese penis. And so, but I loved it and I couldn't, I was so...

amazed by the statues and I mean everyone would just you know obviously the flaccid penis and the balls and I was just like this is amazing and then every statue I noticed was you know men and then if there was a woman almost exclusively every statue of woman she's being in the statue and I'm just like what is the fucking what is going on with this and nobody could explain but I was like every statue I see in the square it's like a woman being like hurt and just a flaccid cock above her

Do you think Michelangelo, after he was done sculpting David, because you've seen it, 17 foot tall. I've seen David five times. So that statue's 17 feet tall. He'd have to take three months just on the cock. I think that David was supposed to stand on top of the Duomo. Yes, that's what it was. And so he made it proportionally so that when you looked at it, it looked proportional from the height of what you saw it from. Yes, and everyone talks about the front of David, but you know you've been there. When you walk around the back of David, I mean, this man has a wagon. I mean, what an ass.

What an ass. If that would have had a tattoo of a butterfly on one of the ass cheeks, I would have fucked it in the Uffizi. Oh. So you just went to Florence? I just went to Florence. I literally went to Florence for three days and came right home. Oh, there. This is my friend Don DePetta. Do you know Don, Bert? Of course I do. Yeah, that's Don. What's up, buddy? How you doing? He's got a fresh haircut. Look at that. You look good. He's looking good. You look totally different.

He lost a little weight. Yeah. Fucking mustache looks tight. That's it, dude. The, um, so you just went to Florence. I just went to Florida. We literally, here's the mistake we made. And here's a little PSA. I'm sure you know this. You travel so much. We,

We left New York at 4.30 p.m. on the flight, and we flew to Paris and then transferred to Florence. Do not take the 4.30 p.m. flight when you're going to Europe because when you start to get tired at normal times, 10 p.m., 10.30, you're landing in Europe, and it's 6 o'clock in the morning or 5 o'clock in the morning, and the jet lag, I've never experienced it like that in my life.

my life that it almost like ruined our trip because we couldn't, we were missing dinner reservations. We were missing, you know, uh, uh, museum reservations. You got it. The move is either just sacrifice a day and leave at eight o'clock in the morning and fly the whole day. So your body's in regulation or take the 10 30 PM flight and get there at noon. So at least you sleep. Yeah.

Or fly private like Bert. No, I don't fly private to Europe. I fly private to Europe. Yes, yes, dude. You've taken the fucking bus to Europe. I've taken, no, when we toured Europe, we have a double-decker bus. Nice. Fucking next level. Hell yeah. We just went to Paris, me and Leanne, because she'd never been to Paris, and next week we're going to Spain. Well, see, this is the beauty, this is what I wanted to bring up too. Our kids are gone. I was going to say, you are at the, and here's what I want to, I was going to bring this up before.

You have a beautiful part. You're in a beautiful part of your life from the outside looking in right now. It's because now, if you wanted to, you can live this beautiful life that you're living, touring, all that. Bring your wife, which, you know, because she doesn't have to stay home now with the kids or she could come because you said the kids are out of the house. So they either, A, don't want to be around you anyway because they want to hang out with their friends or B,

B, if they do want to come, they can come. They're adults. So that's what I hopefully I'm trying to stay alive to get to that point. Because right now it's very difficult for me to go away for so long when I'm missing my little kids. But when they get older, I'm thinking they could either come with me or they won't want to see me anyway. And maybe this burden will be easier because if you could put yourself, remember back to like when you were 40, when you were 40, how old were your children?

They were probably eight and six, I'm guessing. Right, so similar to mine, little kids. You probably had more of a, and you weren't at the level yet. No, I wasn't not. I was not. But I was working for Travel Channel for not a ton of money. So you missed them. I missed them all. I was gone two weeks.

And then on my week off, I'd go do stand up. Right. And then I'd be gone for two weeks. So is there a part of you now that you're older that regrets that? Yes. So see, that's what I'm trying to avoid because all my peers that came before me as went to as great heights as you had, they always say, I missed, I missed that part. But you now I think are at the perfect part because now your family can experience this with you. How about this though? This is the, this is the thing I'll say.

is stand-up today is not what stand-up was 12 years ago. What do you mean? We all did clubs. Like, no one did theaters. No one, no one did Madison Square Garden 12 years ago. Right. No one did. Unless you're the Nazis. Joe Rogan, 12 years ago, I'm not even joking, 12 years ago, Joe Rogan was doing...

The Wilbur was like a big deal for me. I apologize, Joe, if I'm misspeaking. But I just remember that no one was doing theaters, no one was doing arenas, and now we're all... There's a handful of us doing arenas. Sure. I mean, a handful. A lot of comics do arenas. Right. And that just didn't exist. So what do you think about... So how... What are you saying? I think opportunities now are more bountiful than when I was doing it

Like if you, like there was like every comic, every comic did clubs. So every comic did clubs. So you didn't have, like if you got an offer at a club, you had to take it. Right. So like if you wanted to continue to be a comic for me, then that one week off, I had to go do stand up because those, those offers were hard to come by. You gotta remember like every fucking comic did. I mean, it's so hard for people to wrap their heads around, but like,

And there wasn't the opportunities that are out there. Like right now when I hear you go, I only do two weeks a month, I go, that would be fucking incredible. But if I had only done two weeks a month back then, I would have never got to where I am today. Right. Because I can tell you the comics who did two weeks a month and they don't do comedy anymore.

Right, because there just wasn't, because they weren't putting in as many hours. You had to be fucking hustling. I think comedy was like a lot more of a hustle back then than it is now. Because of the internet. Like I remember Ali Wong saying, you know, you can take a year off.

That is like I mean yeah, I remember hearing that and going no you're not allowed to we try about you gotta keep your foot on the gas pedal right and it was this is the first time I've ever taken off in 25 years into a stand-up that I took off starting in July to now and I'm not even sure if I'm going back out on tour in the fall right but I've never because you're liking the feeling of being off no

No. Because you're doing other shit. I don't want her to reset my comedy. I want her to reset everything. Right. I want her to start from scratch, but really start from scratch and not have a bunch of material that didn't go in that special be the beginning of the next special. You ever think like maybe with the reset instead of taking the shirt off, you'll take the pants off, you'll Winnie the Pooh it? I wish. I wish. That'd be sick, right? I wish. Like, I don't know.

I don't know. I'm going to be litigious with if this comes out wrong. Okay. There's a couple of comics that don't wear shirts on stage now. It's a good thing. Right. And a friend of mine texted it to me, a friend of ours texted it to me and said, this is insane. Like you're the first person to ever take a shirt off. And now these people are taking their shirt off. But I didn't read his text. I saw a dude with his shirt off. Right. And I clicked it and I go, what the fuck is this guy doing? Yeah. I was like, oh my God.

How many people do you think

see me shirtless and go, what the fuck is this guy doing? Because I just did it to him. I'm like this fucking fool with his fucking shirt off. And I was like, oh my God. Oh my God. Like what? And then I was like, wait, is there a world where I start wearing a shirt on stage? But here's the deal. I am more comfortable shirtless. So you've got to go where you're comfy. Yeah. I'm like, I just, I am doing who I am authentically. But then when you see people mimic it, there's a part of you that's like...

I don't know. Well, the thing is you wouldn't make it to the level you made it if you were inauthentic. So that's the thing. It's all authenticity. My authenticity was so direct and honest that, I mean, I made a choice to be shirtless on my Showtime special. Right. It was a Showtime special. And they said, you're giving them a reason to change the channel. Right. This one, changing the channel was a thing. Showtime said that to you. Look at him now. She said, legit, can we do one with your shirt on and one with your shirt off? I said, no, you can't cut in between them. And they go, I think this is a big mistake.

And it was. It was the lowest rated special they've ever put out. Everyone changed channel. The second my shirt came off, they said the ratings dropped. Everyone turned it off. No one thought this was a good idea. But then with the internet, it was like you need a reason to go, what is that?

That one reason where... So it was those clips from that Showtime special that blew everything up. Those clips from those... I put four clips. The machine story, fighting a bear, jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray, and taking my daughter to first grade, John Henry story. And I put four clips up. And I remember the machine, the first night got like 3 million views. Yeah. And every single one of them was like 2 million, 1 million, 750,000. Like everyone was skyrocketing. And then the machine got to like... I mean, I don't know, like fucking...

10 million, 12 million, 20 million, 30 million. It's like 50 million right now. But I remember that's when Showtime was like, yo, pull it all off. You got to take it all off.

Why? Why would they want to take it off? Because they weren't benefiting from it? They weren't benefiting from it. Because you had it on your bird crusher. I put it on my Facebook page. Shit. Yeah, and they were going to sue me for the price of the special. I was like, I'll give you that money because I need this business. Yeah, because you're selling tickets. I'm selling tickets for the first time. That was the first time ever you started. So you only started selling tickets, so when was that? 2000, does someone have a date? 2007?

December 27th, I was set up to do the Wilbur January 2017 and I hadn't sold 200 tickets. - Wow. - I hadn't sold 200 tickets and we were panicking and promos weren't a thing yet. No one was doing promos and the machine story went viral

And I remember my agent goes we cleaned up the Wilbur and he's like by the way you're sold out at Portland healing Portland helium Buffalo helium and and New Jersey and I was like, no, that's crazy And because you had went ten plus years of never selling out any shows not selling you wouldn't come close, buddy I might I would call they would give money back to the club. I

Yeah, a couple times. No, a couple times. A couple times if you wanted to work there again and they got a fucking upside down deal, you're like, yo, let's figure this out. But do you ever think about that? Like how many years? Like think about yourself in the middle of those 10, 12 years of not selling anything. There must have been times you'd be like, it's just not good. The people don't like it. It's not going to work for me. Oh, my whole career, I was like,

Maybe I'm just not meant to... Maybe I'm not good. Maybe I'm just delusional. Like our friends think you're good, you think you're good, but the fans are saying no for some reason. The crowd would laugh, but just no one would show up. So I'd kill to 75 people, but it's also... It was the road, and there were no rules to the road. And it was like...

Yeah, I definitely was like maybe this isn't gonna work out and then it would work out for Tom and I was like fuck man and then I was like getting older and I'd watch like dudes show up with like I remember Chris D'Elia had like space pants on and I got a brand new Audi and the hottest chick I'd ever seen in my life and I was like I was sitting off the side going in jeans with dad shoes I planter fasciitis no shirt on sandals and jeans. Yeah, and I'm looking at going I guess it just didn't happen for me and then I

And then I'd be in the... Because you were already what? In your mid 40s or something? I was 43. Wow. 43. So you were like, it's just over. I was like, I was comfortable being just a journeyman comic. Just a really good comic who like, maybe no one stayed in the room to watch.

But respected by your peers and all that? Oh, and friends with everyone. Hey, man, that was a good set. But no one was like, hey, guys, Bert's on. You know the way they do for like if Chappelle's in the room. Sure, of course. If Rogan goes up, everyone goes, come on, let's go look at Rogan. I wasn't going to be that guy. And I was like, cool. And Rogan had a conversation with me in the back of the room.

of the comedy store and he was like hey man you need to get a netflix special and he's like you're too funny you need a netflix special and i'm telling you and i was like joe that's that's like saying hey man you need to fuck a supermodel i was like how the fuck do i do that yeah he was like be undeniable yeah i didn't know what that meant yeah and i got fired from travel channel and uh

And because of that, I could do stand-up every single night. And I just did it every single fucking night. I did it every single fucking weekend. And then one day, a dude that I liked that was really like the hot, hot comic came up and he was like, when did you get funny? And I was like...

Oh, I've been funny. That was the other thing is I came kind of from out of nowhere. So everyone was like, oh, he's just a Travel Channel guy. Right. But yeah, I didn't get success until I was like 43. But that's good because now you know what it feels like to not have success or you hold on to the success. You don't take it for granted. Well, yeah, yeah. But I mean, that's why like, I don't know. I just, I was like fucking foot to the pedal to the metal. Yeah. See, for me, it's like I get, because when I'm home in New York, I'm always working. We're doing that. Also too, like our generation, like the podcast. You have a, you have-

I mean, we didn't get paid for pod. I mean, podcasting was like, yeah, it was like we were earlier the game of podcasting, but like you guys can go in and you guys are so much better at podcasting than us older dudes. I think. Yeah. I really think you guys, like I watch you. I watch history. I watch Stavi. I watch. Hey, babe. Back in the day. Yeah. Everything. You are so good on a podcast. Yeah.

that I think sometimes I'm like, maybe I should just stop podcasting. But then I do one with you and I go, it's fun as fucking shit. It's fine, it just moves. Because I think too, for me, I think that's what sometimes the dilemma comes from too is because like you said, there was no opportunity other than the comedy clubs. For me, for my generation, it's like the opportunity is more on the internet. So it's more on like the podcasting and then we sell the tickets or whatever. So I'm like, okay, here's the balance. But when I'm home, I'm in New York, I'm like,

I'm doing spots every single night. Like I love, I would never stop comedy. I love it. But it's like this dilemma of like, okay, now I look at money as like, I try to look at them as like little freedom coupons where it's like, okay, if I go in and God willing, I can sell out or make enough money. Does this buy me enough time where I get now six weekends at home with my kids? You know what I mean? Like that's the way I look at it. That's the way I try to look at it. So I looked at it this way.

I was like, yo, I didn't make money for like forever. Yeah. So now that I can make money, I need to... This is exactly what I said. I need to get us a big house. Yep. I need to get the girls in... I got to pay for colleges. Yep. And I was like, buddy, can you imagine...

Being 43 and knowing that college is like four years away. I can't remember exact ages or whatever. But remember thinking college is coming up and I don't have money for it. Nor do I have money for Christmas next year. Nor do I have money for... I don't know if I'm going to have money for a mortgage. Nothing safe for the future. I got nothing safe for the future. I remember...

Going and being in a car in st. Louis at the helium. I'd done radio I was drank on radio. I was shirtless in the car I'm fucking 43 and the manager looked at me and he goes how long can you do this for whoa? I was like, huh? He's gonna be like a 50 year old comic And I was like oh, I don't know am I sad yeah, I was like wait am I depressing people yeah, oh fuck I

And then I was like, oh, how long can I do this for? By the way, hadn't sold any tickets that weekend. Yeah. Hadn't sold any fucking tickets. And got into a fight with Doug Benson on stage. And I knew he was posting it Monday morning for his fucking Doug Loves Movies. Wow. And I was like. Like a legitimate fight. Like by far, if you download this, and I'm sure it's still out there. Yeah. And you hit play.

you will never be more involved and committed to a bit of content in your life. It is a passionate, heated fight on stage in a sold-out comedy club where he is screaming at me, and I'm confused, and I'm drunk, and I'm trying to give people cheeseburgers, and I leave the room, and then I walk back into the room, and it gets worse, and then I humbly apologize, and I get on stage. And by the way, people don't know who you are yet. No one knows who the fuck I am.

Dude, that was that weekend. And I was like, well, I was like, motherfucker. But the one thing I got on that weekend was Google Trends. Right. He told me what Google Trends were. And I realized I started seeing spikes. I started Googling why I spiked. And I was like, oh, shit. I guess Rogan's a spike. I didn't know that. I was like, I just did Rogan's. But I knew I got followers. But I didn't know that it would help my career. Right. And I was like, wait. Oh, when I'm with Tom, that's a spike. Oh, when I'm with Ari, that's a spike. When I'm with Joe.

I was like, okay, well, I'll just hang out with my boys a little more. And then I was like, oh, Hot Ones is spiking. What's Hot Ones? Google it, check it out. I was like, oh, shit, hit up Sean Evans. I go on Hot Ones, huge fucking spike. I learned and I marketed my career based on that. But man, I am like, I like look back and I am so fucking lucky.

that I took my shirt off. Yeah. I posted that machine clip and I met Joe Rogan. Those are my three things. Three things. Three things that happened had, had,

Had one of those things not happened, I don't know if I'd be where I am. Right. If I didn't post a machine, no, I'd just be like a regular guy that did Rogan a couple times. You'd be dead in St. Louis. Yeah. You'd be shirtless, dead in St. Louis. It's crazy, man. But now, look, dude, it's fucking awesome. Now you got... I feel like now is the good... I mean, obviously, it's been great years, but now it's like, you know, get the family, get it going, beautiful home. Oh, dude. It's amazing. I make good money on the podcast. We make great money on the vodka. We're, like, doing well with the...

Like everything's, everything's good business right now. And I'm, I'm just like floating. And then I go, maybe I'll go on, maybe I'll do an arena tour. Maybe I'll do a theater tour. Maybe I'll go do clubs for four months. I was going to say, you go back to the clubs. It'd be wild. The funnest touring I ever have is getting the bus in California and just go across the country doing clubs. Clubs. And just do a big loop for like two months. Yeah. No kids at home. Just do two months of a loop. Yeah. Bring your, have friends fly out and meet up with you. Have them on the road for two days. Amazing. Oh, that,

We did that right before my special. We went on the road for a month straight doing clubs from LA all the way down to Tampa. Jesus. No, no, no. Up to where we started Fully Loaded. And then we met up with everyone Fully Loaded, toured all the way through Fully Loaded. By the way, where's Tom? Tom was supposed to be on. Where the fuck is Tom?

This guy just was supposed to be on. Yeah. And then I get a text at noon that he's not on. What is Tom? What is he losing weight? No, he's doing a hair thing. Consultation. Is he doing it? He's going to Turkey too. Dan Soder calls him hair tits, which is very funny. I thought of that today. No, he's doing a consultation to see if he has enough hair to replace. You think, right. Does he have enough hair to replace it? Cause he's, he's really bald.

Tom is insanely bald. Tom's like chemo bald. Yeah, yeah. His hair receded here. It's receding here. So they're just doing a consultation. I think he didn't want to go to Turkey. I think he may have to go to Turkey to get it done because everyone in LA is like, you don't have enough hair to do it with. So I think he may have to go to Turkey. But that's why he came out to LA and he was like, yeah, I'll do the consultation. And the guy's like, I'm going to need to bring other people in to look at this. Dude, he should have just come and did the consultation on the show.

He doesn't want anyone to know about it. Well, now, well, okay. Well, sorry, Tom. Let me tell you how bad I am with secrets. But what do you mean he doesn't want anyone to know? He's just going to show up one day back on Two Bears with just hair? No, he just... And just not talk about it? He's like, let's look at this person shitting on the... His plan was like, when I started shaving my hair, I had hair. I started shaving my head, I had hair.

People just think I'm just growing it out. Right. I was like, okay. Sure. You've been bald for 20 years and now you're just growing it out. Yeah. Are you going to make a... Was your wife upset about the island of garbage? No, she wasn't. Was there any Puerto Ricans upset? No. Honestly, look, I'm sure there were. Of course there were. I can only speak on my family. My family just doesn't care at all. My mother-in-law had a good point, I thought. She was like...

That to me, that same thing, she's like, I get the problems with her. She knows Puerto Rico. She was like, I get the joke. Maybe it wasn't the best joke or the political rally. I get all that. She's like, but the media making a big deal about that. She's like, is the same thing that happened the first time when they made a big deal about Trump saying grab her by the pussy where she was like me as a woman saying,

You think I haven't heard that from a man? You think that I don't know that all that, that men talk like that all the time. That's not a reason I'm not going to vote. That's not that she was like, that's not the reason. That doesn't get me to vote for Hillary. Now, now you made me want to vote for Trump more. She said it was very, she had that same feeling about you're going to, now I'm going to let this white motherfucker on CNN tell me what as a Puerto Rican I should be offended by. Now we go to Donnie T. So that, that's what it is. So, so that's,

basically what happened you know you know what actually is fucking wild too what so my perception is reality right of course so who cares about reality 100% and hang on can I give you a gift yes apply that in your marriage okay when you guys get don't forget perception is reality great when you get Tommy Chong said this to me high as fuck

when you get into a fight, you get to decide if you're angry or not. Yeah. You can also decide to focus on all the great times you had and ignore this one little thing and look past it and go, I'm going to give, I'm going to, I'm going to take all these experiences. I've done that and it fucking works. Yeah. Keep going. So yeah, that's a good one. So, so I,

I feel like, you know, perception is reality that our, when I was a kid, when I was in my twenties, you had to be like liberal. Every cut, like you, you had to be like, if you, everybody was liberal, everybody voted for Obama. Everybody was like in the comedy world, in the college world, whatever. Now it's like reverse. Now it's like the kids, like my, I have a nephew, he's 17, 18. And he goes, um,

I was like, oh, you know, before the election, I was like, who are you going to vote for? And he was like, I don't know. I was like, well, just vote. Like, what do you think? What do you think you're going to do? I was like, I guess for you guys, your generation, because I didn't know. I was like, you guys are going to go liberal, right? Because he's in college. He was like, no, dude, that's gay. Being a Democrat's gay. And I was like, what? I was like, what do you mean? He goes, isn't that gay? Isn't that the gay one? And I was like, what? And

And he was like, I thought that Biden and the Democrats were gay and hated America and Trump and the Republicans were strong and loved America. And I was like, uh...

Yeah. And I was like, wait, so why do you think that? And he was like, and I was like, I'm not judging you at all, dude. I was like, what do you think? And he was like, that's what I think. I was like, then vote with that. I was like, vote, vote. You know, for you, it's simple. You fucking gay or straight. I was like, so you're voting straight. And so, but it was interesting. I was like, wow, that fucking changed in 50, not every, but by the way, that's not a blank. I know that there's many, many people who feel the reverse at that age, but

the perception was very interesting to me to hear from a young kid be like whoa here's how I knew it was shifting last year okay I did a show on a fucking USS aircraft carrier 5,000 people okay on in the USS aircraft carrier in San Diego the government booked me

Right. So I do this show and they tell me, do not do not even speak about President Biden. Do not speak about President Biden. Do not obviously disparage America. Don't even say anything about like anti America's enemies. Just do your comedy. I was like, great. So I'm doing my comedy.

The microphone breaks. Okay. No mic. 5,000 people outside in San Diego on the water on a fucking aircraft carrier with these kids about to go. These are like the first wave of the arm. They'll go to war. These kids. Yeah. This is like not national guard. This is the real deal. Motherfuckers.

So I go, so I'm like, oh shit. So it was a gas, it was a gas powered generator that was powering the audio system. So that didn't have any gas in it. So my mic went out. So I'm trying to get through it and I can't, and there's 5,000 people. I'm trying to scream, whatever.

And then the person over there who had told me 10 times, do not say anything about America or whatever. But I knew from knowing contracts, I knew that this was like that forced de majeure thing where it's like, I'm going to get paid no matter what because your equipment broke. So you now legally have to pay me. And I knew my agent's going to get that fucking money. So I said, you know what? Fuck it. I said, I got to just get this crowd back on my side. I said, guys, I was like...

And I didn't tell them to do this. This just happened organically. And I was like, oh, shit. I go, guys, I was like, fucking microphone broke. And they were like, boo. I was like, yeah. I was like, you know why? I was like, there's no gas in the generator. And they were like, boo. And I was like, you know why? I was like, because we're sending all the money to Ukraine. And they were like, and then they go, ah. And then out of nowhere, 5,000 of the United States Army start going, fuck Joe Biden. What?

fuck Joe Biden. And I was like, looking at it, I was like, is this bad? And then I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I was like, no, you can't say that. When I counted down, I was like, my family's Puerto Rican. And I started doing fucking Puerto Rican accents trying to get it back. No means yes. No means yes. But they started screaming, fuck Joe Biden. And I was like, wowzers. God.

wow dude and I was like oh shit it's over yeah and I knew it then and then anytime like a you know I was very polite and again I'm not I'm I really am very apolitical I really really am but there's such a thing there's such like this bubble at least in New York City and of course LA where like even the comics and I was sitting at the comedy salon they were telling me in October that there's no way Trump can win and Biden's gonna save this and I and I just you know you're polite but you're just like

Dude, if you were on the aircraft carrier with me, you would know it's fucking absolutely, dude, I'm talking about beyond fucking, Yuka gives that a zero out of a hundred.

If I scan that response, you can give that a full zero. They would say you'd rather eat fucking Quest protein chips. Oh, my God. Yeah. God damn it. It's just like, you got to know. I mean, the comedy club, the comedy clubs, we really are the first wave. Like, you know, like, you know. Oh, yeah. I knew in 2016 when I was going through Ohio and all this place, you see the Trump flags everywhere. He's going to win. I didn't see them in 2020. You know, I mean, we weren't really on the road, but I didn't hear many people talking about it. So I was like, he might lose.

2024, going back, you know, you do fucking go bananas or whatever. It's like Trump everywhere. You know he's going to win. 2016, I was in Ohio. We were getting ready to do the end of the world podcast. Me, Burr, Stan Hope and Rogan at the store. And I'm in Ohio that weekend before. We're doing it like Tuesday, the election. Yeah.

And I had a joke. You know, you always... For anyone listening, I hope you understand this, but the fun thing to do in comedy is say the thing you think they're going to hate and then win them over with a joke. And I said... And I...

Thought this what I was I was like, I'm voting for Trump and the place went fucking bananas Yeah, you thought it was the other way. I was like, I guess I don't need to say the other part of the joke Yeah, I don't think they're gonna like that. Yeah, dude. I did a gig for the MLB right like that Major League Baseball It was like a closed event like only the baseball players like active place replace some Hall of Famers were in there Trump had just won it was Trump got elected on Tuesday. This gig was like Thursday, right and

500 people in a room and I said here's the thing I said folks again they told me don't say anything political be squeaky clean but it's like okay I need to be funny here so whatever so I said to them not knowing where it's going to go but I had ways to go after it I said listen we're in a room right now we got a lot of millionaires

And a lot of Dominicans. I know one thing and one thing only. This room voted for Donald Trump. And they went fucking nuts. I'm going to just say it. You can edit it out. Big Papi Ortiz. David Ortiz got up and started clapping. I was like, there he is, Big Papi. He was like, Trump's my boy.

We got Dominicans and millionaires. I said, we got Dominicans and millionaires. This place voted for Donnie T. And they want fucking ape shit. And so it's one of those things where it's like, it's not even about who, I don't care. It's like, you just got to be in reality a little bit. Yeah. Where it's like, dude, you can't tell, you can't be white telling Puerto Rican people how to feel. I know that. I'm with a Puerto Rican woman. You've been trying it for fucking five years. For 10 years, dude, it doesn't work. So it's like, that was the first mistake when I was like, shut up.

Let Puerto Rican people say something, but when you hear fucking Wolf Blitzer, they're like, this is outrageous. You know? My family was like, shut the fuck up, Whitey. Well, you have to go to Kimmel. I have to go to couples therapy. It's amazing. Same thing. Buddy, I love you. Dude, I love you too. I'll kiss you on the fucking lips. I would. I would kiss you on the lips.

It's a great episode. Thank you for coming. September 11th. Hey, make sure to check his Hulu special, It's Just Unfortunate, releasing February 21st. Yes. Madison Square Garden on September 11th. That's what it is, baby. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. I love you. I proposed to my girl January 6th. I'm doing comedy September 11th.

Fuck it. Hell yeah, dude. America. America, dude.