Charitable Endeavors | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 216
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. Hey Mark. Hey Tom. Thanks for coming. Do you use a washcloth? No. Come on the face. Is it good for the skin? Absolutely not. If it gets to the point where I have to take a shit on this thing, I'm hoping it explodes. That's freak city. Specifically for cleaning the house. I never thought of that. Piss on me, beat me. If I wore this to wake up my children, it would be immediate therapy. Ah!

A lot of men doing it is nothing to be ashamed of. This is awesome. What is awesome? I'm going to fucking puke. This is going to cost you something. Maybe just some non-consensual ass play. So the whole family shared one bar of soap? Yeah, and you would put it in your ass? That's disgusting. Interesting. It's hard for me to not believe that racism's not involved with this. I'm not watching this. I'm Whitney. I'm Duncan. You also got really fucking dressed up. I'm so happy we actually got to connect. I'll try it out.

In case you missed it, you can stream 69 minutes now at ymhstudios.com. Hello, Tom Segura here, and tickets are on sale right now for my show at Netflix is a Joke Fest, May 9th at the Kia Forum. So excited to come back to LA. Get your tickets now at netflixisajokefest.com and tomsegura.com slash tour. This is kicking in. It is pretty strong. By the way, I have to shit right now.

Because nicotine this strong makes me shit. I can feel my ass being like, what are we doing here? Holy cow. I'm 100% scared.

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Thank you for joining us. My name is Jason Kelsey. This is Travis. Hey, how's it going? And it's on, baby. It's on. It's on. We heard from them. We heard from them. Shots fired. Yeah. They received our shot over the bow. They know what's up now. I was just in Philly. I was waiting for them the whole time to come surprise me. What are we going to do with them?

We don't know. It's in the works. But we're talking soon. Yeah, we're going to do something. We'll give you a full report back, but they know what's up, dude. Fuck yeah, man. They respect athletes. Fuck yeah. Athletes respect. Dude, we're sports guys. Don't ever fucking forget that. We're athletes. I know. We got locker room humor. That's a Trump thing, right? That is a Trump thing. Speaking of locker room athletes. Got to grab the pussies. Tom, I'm not going to interrupt a lot today. Oh, yeah? Yep. Because I just watched our podcast the other day, and I really enjoy when you talk.

Just not in person. I don't know why. It's just when you're seeing playback. I said, let him fucking finish. To yourself. I was on the plane going, God damn it. What did I do? I'm going to point out every time you cut me off. Wait, do you see me listening right now? Yeah, I see you. And it's really an effort because you went like this. You went like you're trying to not look Korean. You were like.

I almost lost my shit on Leanne last night. We were going to have phone sex. Uh-huh. Nice. Yeah. Was she talking to you through it or FaceTime? FaceTime. Oh. So you pull your pud and you watch her and everything? You know, that's a little secret time for us, but I will say. Tell me exactly. She spread her cheeks and you look at her asshole. Tell me all the details. She's like, does that. And you're like, yeah.

I'll get it now. Dude, I would love to see footage of you. I want to see you crank it. Walking a 53-year-old woman how to prop up an iPhone on a bed. I'm this close to losing my shit. Really? Like, no, I can't fucking see. You can put something in front of the phone so it doesn't fall forward. Show me. And then FaceTime has this new feature where out of nowhere it'll just give a thumbs up like someone liked it. I think it's if you say a word.

And all of a sudden, I guess I was like, I like that. And FaceTime gives a thumbs up. She's like, hold on. Who's in this? She thought I was live streaming it. Does she like to watch you do it? No. Does she like to watch you J-U-D? You know what? Yes. Yes. She has gotten, and I don't know the right way to say this. I know she wants to keep the majority of this private. But she has gotten. Yeah, really? Yeah.

I know that she doesn't want me to do this. Go ahead. You mean the intimate details of your sex life? Go ahead. She has gotten really wild, like really wild, like, like fantasy shit. Really? Like fantasy shit. Like the stuff I'm being really serious. The stuff you jack off to in porn. Yeah. She is now like open to.

And it's like... At first, I didn't trust it, because I was like, she must have cheated on me. No one does that. No one rebounds that hard out of nowhere. I was like, who'd you fuck in Vietnam? Yeah, yeah. And then... But she's, you know... She's on the same... Over at Ways to Well. Yeah. So she's got a cocktail, and it just has righted her body. And she just is like a fucking vixen. Really? Like, I'm talking...

Wild shit. Jesus. Yeah, it's fucking pretty awesome. And part of that includes her being like, I'm going to watch you jerk it. No, she doesn't. No, she's still Leanne in that. Oddly enough, she's still Leanne in even trying to play around. She's still her. Yeah. But she's so much more open to stuff. I don't even know what's going on with her. I don't know.

I was telling the Flyers about having sex with her, and she looked fucking good at the Flyers game. And was she there when you were telling them? No, she was over to the side, but I was like, look at her. And by the way, she's like 53, and they're like, that's her mom's age. Yeah, those guys are like 24. Except for fucking Hartsy. Shout out to Hartsy. Fucking goalie for the Flyers. Okay. So... By the way, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sure that was the secret. Whoa! Hold on. So...

No, yeah, even having from the flyers great sex. Okay, so they heard I got on on Lip stuff. This looks like some Russian shit. It's from Siberia So they were like that so I opened up his in in front of the flyers and each of them took like three and put him in their lip and I was like whoa, these are sixes and they're like, yeah, we know and they're like you don't do the real shit do you I was like, what's the real shit and they're like the stuff from Russia and

I was like, no. What's in this? And then they came to my show at the Flyers after the Wells Fargo Center. Holy shit, it's not even white. It smells like ammonia. Like, is this a smelling salt? I don't know. Let me see it. It's fucking... Holy God, it looks spoiled. It says white dry. None of it's white. None of it's white. What year is it from? I just opened it. I opened it. No, no, no. Yeah.

You don't even know. It doesn't say the strength of it. I don't know if you're supposed to swallow it. Maybe we should stick to Zins. You want to try one? You try one. Yeah, I'll try one. Do you have to spit? I don't know. Fucking what are the... Can we get cups just in case? Yeah. This is super fucking gnarly. Oh, wow. God, it smells so strong, bro. It's soaking wet. It's like wet. Okay. They're like, this is the shit. You ready? Dude, add it. This is... Isn't this just dip? I don't know. It smells aggressive.

Yeah, you can't swallow this. Doesn't have a swallow feel. Jesus. Yeah, okay. I can see why they throw in three zins. Fuck. This is fucking, my teeth hurt. Holy cow. We're going to definitely need cups. Yeah. Like stat. Yeah, those guys. Thanks, bro. We just started just chewing tobacco. It's burning so bad. It's intense. Hold it up. Show the can. So if you guys have any information about Siberia,

My lips on fire. My lips on fire too. Yeah. It says extremely strong. I just want for it to kick in. By the way, it's got a little reservoir. This is what all the Swedish chicks do. What? It's got a reservoir. So if it's too strong, you can take it out and let it sit and then put it back in later. Really? Yeah. That's brilliant. Yeah. Chicks do that. Dude, my Instagram is fucking thick with chicks. What do you mean? Have you seen the roast beef challenge? The roast beef challenge? Is that a pussy flip kind of thing?

yup really yup what is it uh it's girls it's girls holding their phone and they're like hey i just want to tell you and then they drop their phone in their pussy yeah it lands in their pussy and then they pull it up and they go i just love a roast beef sandwich i got on a thread of those the other night how was that i mean i screen grabbed all their like i just screen grab them and then i was like god and the good ones i send to people yeah is this it

Okay. Ooh, play one. Yeah, go to the left, left, left, left, left. Yeah, yeah, start over there. Holy shit. No. Whoa, that's not it. That's not it. The text is insane. How about the second one? You know what I love? Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I just love a good roast beef sandwich, especially Arby's. This is fatherless behavior, yo. You know what I love? Oh, my God.

Sorry. And then the other thing they do is the pause challenge. I got onto this thread. I got onto this thread. Bottom left, bottom left. You know what I love? Sorry. You got to be quick. It's fun because you end up getting into their pause. And then you watch it a couple times and then you pause it perfect. Right. There's so many sluts online. Yes. Yes, there are. I'm telling my daughters, just don't do the roast beef challenge. Uh-uh.

Just don't. Did you ever think you would say that as a father at any point? Like, hey, one day, don't do the roast. What did they say? Are they like, what the fuck are you talking about, Dad? Can I tell you the best? Yeah. They didn't know what it was. No, no, no. Hold on. I'm on a roast beef challenge thread, and Miss Pat shows up. Miss Pat? Hey, y'all. And I'm like, oh, shit, she's going to do the roast beef challenge. But she has a show in Indiana. No way. No way.

No way she's doing that. She worked with me this weekend and fucking murdered. Had to. She's so good. She's so good. She's killing it. She's got her. This is kicking in and it is pretty strong. Yeah. Do you feel it? I think it's tobacco. I think it is too. I don't think these are fucking. It is Russian tobacco. Not regulated. By the way, I have to shit right now because nicotine this strong makes me shit.

I can feel my ass being like, what are we doing here? Find a hole, man. Whoa. I'm high. I got a crazy buzz. God, these rooskies are out of their minds. It's like pouring into my mouth. Have you seen what those crazy motherfuckers do for... Holy cow. For...

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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

For jujitsu, they're doing like phone booth jujitsu. My fingers are tickling right now. I know. I'm so high. Or the car one. Like there's seatbelts and then they wrestle. And all their like their mixed martial arts fight forum stuff at the – I'm so high, dude. I am so high. And my ass is tingling.

They always have brawls, like all-out brawls at weigh-ins. Oh, yeah, yeah. Those are the best. Crazy ones, dude. I'm afraid I broke myself from Zins. Like, what if this is my new thing that I have to do? Is Georgia? What? Georgia? Is she? She got ink. She did? She didn't tell me. What'd she get? Who fucking knows? Big? Something on her shoulder.

She called she was texting me that she loved me a lot mm-hmm And I was like and then I was like what's going on my cold Isla and Isla's eyes were like this I was like she got a fucking tattoo didn't she and Georgia and I was like I didn't say anything I was like way to go dummy yeah, and I called George and she's like Isla snitched on me didn't she I was like no We all snitched on you. Yeah, this is aggressive. Are you shitting? I have to I guess we could wait a minute just see if you shit your pants like I

So I shit my pants on stage the other night. No, you didn't. Yeah. Like for real? For real. You can find a picture of it. I shit my pants on stage. I had to wipe my ass with my shirt. Oh, and there was shit all over my shirt. Oh my God. Guys, tops off world tour last week, this week in Rochester. This is aggressive. I might have to switch over to his Zen. We'll do whatever you need to do. I'm definitely going to go to the bathroom very soon. Really? Probably. Uh, I want to, how was UFC fight?

And who is your mistress? Excuse me? That's all I got texted. The woman sitting to my right? Yeah. Joe Rogan's wife? Who does he know? Yeah, he was to her right. Everyone texted me and was like, Tom's seeing someone. Yeah. Wait, Joe just sat and watched the fights? Yeah. For real? Yeah. This is me shitting my pants. Seriously? Yeah. Out of my ass, you throw the fuck up. I had to go behind the thing and wipe my ass. Hold on, hold on, one more wipe.

Oh my God. And then you hold it up? Nah, it'd be on the show. Oh my God. I really shit my pants too. I look good though. Yeah, you do look good. 230. You've trimmed down so much. Crazy. I figured out the key to drinking and I'm going to write a book about it. What's the key? Moderation, I figured out. Oh really? I think the key is Zin's.

Zins are good. I'm going through a lot of these. Yeah. How many milligrams do you think you do in a day? I mean, I'm throwing you quite a few. I start the day with them. Oh, yeah, of course. There's only one way to start a day, and that's with a Zin. I sleep with them in my bed. I do Rogues. I like the Rogues more. I've been trying different flavors. All right. I'm going back to Zin. Okay. I'm going back to Zin. That thing was fucking aggressive. Yeah. I have a weird taste in my mouth like I fucking blew a farmer. The...

I'll take it out, too. The UFC. Thank you to the Flyers. Oh, my God. I won the 50-50 raffle. I'm going back to UFC. Okay. Oh, I want to know about the UFC. The UFC. I'll say this. So before I met Joe, I met him in 07. Yeah. I knew UFC like peripherally. You know what I mean? We're like, you know, a couple, I knew a few names back then, whatever it was. Chuck Liddell.

Shamrock, like those, those guys that like from, but I wasn't like watching every week. Yeah. And when I met him, he was like, I, I won that contest. I did a few minutes and he was like, Hey, do you ever want to like do a gig with me? And I was like, yeah, of course. Other people had said that and they never called. He called me a few weeks later and he goes, um, Hey, you want to go to, he goes, do you like the UFC? And I was like, sure.

He's like, well, we'll go to Tampa. We'll do a gig the night before. We did two shows at the Tampa Improv, Ybor City. And the next day was the UFC. Wow. What year is this? He's doing clubs in what year? It's 07. Wow. So we go to the UFC. And here's the thing. Everything is different live. Like stand-up, obviously, I always tell people, if you like stand-up and you haven't been to a live show, it's so different live. Sports are like that. But there's something about fights in person and that atmosphere that

that now I've been to over a dozen because of him. And when that music comes on and the lights change,

and the crowd roars and someone enters. I still get goosebumps like every time. You just can't, you can't not. It's just, there's this feeling of you're like, and then you realize we're doing, this is modern day gladiator shit. It totally is this fucking lunatic and this guy and they're from different parts of the world and like, let's just see what happens. You throw them in the octagon and they just fucking maul each other. I mean, we sat front row, I mean, right at the cage.

And saw just two insane knockouts. I mean, one where the whole chatter there, and I'm sure it's continued after. I haven't checked up on it. But there was a late stoppage. I saw that. There was a lot of chatter. Where this guy was clearly, I mean, no protection, knocked out. He was so knocked out that the guy knocked him out and woke him back up and knocked him out again. Like...

on his back bam and you see you see him like this and he hit him again he like popped up and then he hit him and you're like when are they gonna fucking they finally stopped it felt like a super late stoppage and then the the main event which was he hit him he clipped him with a knee that like set him up and then they came with this overhand right cross down on him and that guy was out for minutes like five minutes really like is this guy dead you see like the

chest, the respiratory system like kick in. But it was insane. Super intense. Incredible experience. Shout out Joe Burrow was there, quarterback for the Bengals. He flew in to go to the fights. So that was... He didn't have a game? He had a game two nights later. Okay. He's injured. Oh, that's right. That's right.

He came in, we went to dinner, super fun. But that experience, like UFC events, by the way, if you're a fight fan and you can get to one of those, there's just nothing like the live experience. It was fucking insane. Someone asked me if I'd walk to the ring with him. Yeah? Yeah. You gonna do it? I want to, but I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Why not? I don't know. I don't feel like, I don't know. I feel like it's such a serious moment. I might be the right guy.

Well, yeah, I would love to. I would love to. Yeah. Okay. Take your shirt off and go. See, that's the problem. It's like I got one speed and it's burnt. Yeah. Maybe that's what he wants. Oh, maybe, maybe he, but I'm fucking, I've been listening to a bunch of music, getting ready for it. Like I'm fucking. So it's coming up. It's supposed to, it's supposed to, I don't know. We're still, you know. You should definitely do it, dude. Really? Yes. But I, I've no one, none of my family wants to go to the UFC. No one wants to go to the UFC with me. It'd just be me. Do it.

Yeah. I went to the Magic game and then- I saw that amazing half court shot. Three or four of them, actually. Four of them. I only saw the two that looked like- They told me ahead of time. So I'm in the tunnel. First of all, they're like, all right, first quarter, we're going to put you on the big jumbotron wave. I was like, all right.

do that, and then they're like, so in the fourth quarter, during the second time out, you'll go to half court and take some half court shots, and then you get to shoot the t-shirt gun. And I was like, I'm down with that, especially the t-shirt gun. That's just so fun.

So there's like, it's whenever the second timeout occurs in the fourth quarter. That could happen when there's 10 minutes left or when there's fucking two minutes left. This game happened to be a phenomenal game. Really? Trading leads, nuggets, magic. Like, you know, it's a fucking great game. I love old school magic uniforms. And it was packed. Yeah, me too. It was packed. I mean, it was jam packed there.

And so we're like, they move us. We're sitting on the floor. I got the kids with me, right? Keeping them up. The fucking mascot, shout out to stuff. He comes up to me. He's like, says the nicest stuff. You know, I love your stuff. I'm a big fan. Grabs my five-year-old. He's like, come on, man. And he's like, okay. He puts him on a four-wheel cart.

ATV, electric ATV. - You're like, "Wrong kid, wrong kid." - And I was like, "Uh." And I see them drive out and he's just like, you know what, during a break, drive around the court waving at people. My kid's like, doesn't know what's going on. I was like, "What's up, buddy?" He was like, "Uh." Just driving around with them and then they're like, "All right, we're ready." So one of the hype team guys was like, "Hey, here's the half court advice. "Everybody comes up short." He's like, "Shoot from the legs. "You gotta really push it." And I was like, "Cool."

First one, the first shot comes up. It's like six feet short. I was like, oh, fuck. And by the way, the crowd was actually hyped. Like they announced you and then they're like, yeah, you can tell they're like fucking do it. He's been playing. Yeah. So short. I was like, oh, fuck. Another one.

It goes like two feet short. And I was like, God damn. Cause you just have like no perspective for it. So that third one I launched, it hits the backboard. And I was like, that's it. I don't want to fucking bore the fucking everybody here. But then five more. Yeah. They give me the t-shirt gun. And that was actually the apps like everybody. It's like, you know how people go crazy for free shit. So you just look at everyone's people like jumping out of their seats. Oh yeah. T-shirts. But that was, that was super fun. You've never been recognized more than when you have a t-shirt gun. When you have a t-shirt, you're,

It is... Yeah, because you were throwing them. I saw that. You got to throw them. Oh, yeah. I threw them at the... Flyers game, right? Flyers game, yeah. Flyers. We did the... They came up and they were like, do you want to... It was a little bit of a travesty. They're like, we're going to put you on the Jumbotron. And I was like, great. And it was Cancer Awareness Month. So they're like...

They're like, hey, just whip this towel around your head. And so they're like, and for Cancer Awareness Month, we have Bert Kreischer. I rip my shirt off, kill a beer. Everyone's like, wrong time. And I'm whipping the shirt around. They're like, people are dying in this room. And then they're like, hey, do you want to throw t-shirts? And I was like, fuck yeah. So I went down, threw t-shirts. This kid, this kid, this kid yelled,

Machine, you're my hero. I was like, he gets a shirt. Yeah. And then they did the 50-50 raffle. I told the lady, I'm the raffle king. This is what I do is win raffles.

This is what I do. This is what I do. I do one thing. I do a couple things really well, but one thing really well, ride horses really well. Ride horses? I ride horses beautifully. Like beautifully. Like almost like the horse and I belong together. Since when? My whole life. Never heard you mention a horse once. My biggest dream is to own a horse. What the fuck are you talking about? It's my biggest dream.

Have you ever sprinted on a horse? Sprinted? Yeah. A little bit in Montana, and I fucking was like, it's terrifying. You've got to be a man. It's actually terrifying. Yeah, thanks. So yeah, it's terrifying if you're not used to it. I love it. I love it more than anything. But so she comes to me with the 50-50 raffle. I'm like, what's the pot? She was like, oh, it's like 12 grand. I go, I'm putting in two. She was like, no one's ever bought $2,000 worth of tickets. I said, it's not over. Like, I'm going deep. So I said, before you close raffle, come back here.

I sell two grand. And then as soon as it starts going up, everyone starts buying tickets. Got up to 29,000.

And then she came back us and I didn't tell Leanne. I was like put me in for another two grand She's like are you fucking serious? And I was like, yeah, and I have four thousand dollars worth of tickets This is during the game is during the game That's all I was looking waiting for the 50/50 raffle and then they pulled the ticket they call the number I go only want to find out I'll find out on radio tomorrow, but then everyone Starts going your box one your box. I was the only one that bought fucking tickets in my box. I

And so I went on to Preston and Steve, and they came in, I won $29,000. 50-50, so I only get 14, and you gotta get four to taxes, so really like 10. But... They donated it. Yeah, I'd fucking... Leanne's like, we ain't keeping that money. She wanted me to donate it to the Flyers. I go, no, they already got... Yeah. They fucked up because they told me, they go, I said, how much does this raise? And she goes, oh, a lot, like $7 million a year. I went, what? She goes, well, here's the deal, no one ever picks up their ticket. I was like, for real? She goes, no, yeah. So no one ever...

Picks up their ticket so all that goes charity, so we raised a ton of money We were like seven million as soon as she said that I was like I'm keep my money She was like what I'm just you know, I'm keeping my fucking money Like I'm not just gonna willy-nilly go to some charity. I'm gonna I want if I donate it. I'm gonna donate it yeah, and then

I don't know, the Bucks must have found out that night and they texted me the next morning, hey, we got Habitat for Humanity in Hillsboro. I used to do it at Jesuit. And they're like, would you do a read and say, get everyone to donate? And I was like, you can't do that without fucking donating, you assholes. So you did that. So I said, I hit my business manager. I was like, if I donate the money. He was like, yeah, well, that way you get to keep all of it.

So you get to keep... What kind of nonsense are you saying right now? The $14,000, you don't have to pay. You're donating it. Yeah. So you just donate it. I love that you're so concerned with this and you have so much more money than that. Well, yeah. Read my comments. Every fucking...

Every child. Meaning, like, I looked at a couple profiles of dudes, like, dude, why don't you just buy the whole house for them? You can do it. The guy does arenas. And I was like, that's not how that fucking works. How does it work? Well, it... Shut up. Shut...

I think you can buy them a house. No, I'm not going to fucking buy them a fucking house. How much is it? I'm not buying them a fucking house. How much is it? I have no idea. I'm not buying them a fucking house. Stop the conversation. How come? I gave them 12 grand. Why don't you just give them 100? Look, Tom. I've got certain allotments for certain charities I like to work with. I get drunk. I go and GoFundMe. I gave them fucking 12 grand. All right.

Oh, man, this is going to be a problem for us. When we find out what the Kelsey's donate to their fucking charities, we might have to step it up, right? Yeah. Because I'm donating to World Central Kitchen. I already did that. You did? Yeah, fucking enough with the fucking charities. It's like... Did we just find your soft spot? No, but it's like, I can't... They hit me up, and then I go... You're like, how does this work? Everyone just... Everyone fucking... I mean, look, I'm not pissing and moaning, but like...

It just seems like I'm getting a lot of cherries coming my way these days. Okay. Fucking hit me up. What? Want? I tackled one of their protesters and then they hit me up at the golf thing. What'd they say? I don't know. I don't even want to say their names. I bleep out.

Cause I'm like, I don't even want to get involved in the thing. They say, Hey, like, no, they were cool. They were really cool. They were really so cool that you were like, is this a trick? Is this like, you know, like they were really cool. And they were like, Hey, thank you for being, I shouldn't say what they said in the private email maybe, but like they both said, they just said, uh, you're a cool dude. We like cool dudes. We got some cool ideas.

Do you want to hear our cool ideas? And? And I was like, fuck yeah. And then as soon as you say fuck yeah, everyone, lawyers, everyone's like, do not talk to them. I was going to say, are you going to do stuff for them? I'm backed into a fucking corner. Do you know your way out of this? What? Just donate that house. Buy that house for that person.

Part of the fun is raising the money. Yeah. What about other people? There's other people in Tampa that have money. They can give $12.03. Sure. And then we can raise the money and then I'm not just... Because then you give one house, you got to give two. Do two. Put another Zen in. Do you get hit up by charities a lot? Um...

Well, I've donated like a pretty sizable amount to like Starlight Children's. And then so that was kind of, I didn't do it publicly. They acknowledged me publicly. And then- Well, that's what I want. You want the acknowledgement. Yeah, public acknowledgement. I want to do it on the DL, but go, yo.

You got to be better fucking release an article about this. That charitable spirit. So yeah. So world central kitchen, that's Jose Andres's, uh, charity. What they do is they, do they do? I just did it. What do you mean you did it? I just did it. I just did it. What? Did what? They have a huge fundraiser at the end of every year called Mary. Thanks, miss. Okay. And, and, uh,

Yeah. All right. Well, that's a great one. By the way, if you're looking for a charity... World Central Kitchen is a fucking great one. ...is amazing. And what they do, just so you know, so it's clear...

is they go wherever there is any type of disaster, whether it be a natural disaster, a hurricane, a tornado, an earthquake, or they go to like war zones. And all they do, this is not like, it's clear, it's not politicized. All they do is feed people. So people who are like, you know, everyone still needs something to eat. They set up camp. They just start, they,

Find a kitchen out of it, and they just start feeding thousands of people. With really good food. They make whatever they can with what they have. Like short-roasted sandwiches, like really nice shit, because he's a chef. He's a chef, yeah. Because that's where it starts going. You go, well, then why didn't he bring the good food to them? Right, right, right. But they do do amazing things. Yeah, I really, look, just because I know people are going to be all in my comments about this,

I have a foundation that we have an allotment that we give out that money every year to give to people. That's cool. That's good. There's some companies like, uh, I won't say their names have not noticed how much I gave and said something. I wouldn't mind that.

The main thing is he wants an article. It's like, I remember reading an article about your dad and about all the good shit he did. Yeah. And I was like, I better get one of those. Well, all you have to do is die. That's when they did it. So if you die, I'll make sure that they have that in the article. Do it before I die. That's hard to get. Well, you know what would definitely make it into an article is buying a house for someone. I'm not buying a fucking house for someone. All right. How much does a house cost? I mean, for Habitat for Humanity, it's probably a hundred and some thousand. Yeah. Yeah. But okay. Okay.

Okay. Can we just talk? Okay. Pretend we're not, pretend we're not, pretend we're you if you're listening. Look that up. Yeah. Pretend if we're you if you're listening right now. Okay. Okay? All right. Like what's the, what's the comeback for me? Like meaning, okay, stop, stop, stop. Like $100,000 is a lot to give someone. Sure. Okay. Yes, it is. It's a substantial amount of money. And then-

Then what happens from that? Yeah. Like where, yeah. Well, first of all, you'd be doing a, a great thing. B, um, there's going to be, you could talk to your people. There's going to be some, um,

incentive if that's what you're looking for. Okay, but already I'm getting bullied by the comments because I read that one comment. And so then all of a sudden once you're weak like that, they start going, oh, why doesn't he just give that to this? Why didn't he give that to this? I understand. But so it's a very good thing to do. It's going to inspire people. It's going to really help someone. There is some tax benefit to doing that.

And thirdly, something that's substantial like that, a lot of times gets acknowledgement. So if that's what you're looking for, I think if you did that, probably make it into news stories. Okay, then this is the game. Okay. I'll donate a house if you donate a house. Okay. No, stop, stop. No, that's not what I was doing. That's not what I wanted you to do. Oh. I wanted you to say no, and then I go, that's why. Oh, okay. Stop. Stop.

All right, you heard it here first. Bert and I are both donating houses. Stop it. I'm calling the bucks. What are you going to call them for? I'm going to find out how much a house costs. Oh, okay. Maybe do like a more direct search. Like what does it cost through Habitat? What does it cost Habitat for Humanity to build a house? You know, something like that. Fucker. I'm sweating. Does it give you any insight? Go to Tampa. Don't do Austin. It's so fucking expensive to live here. Okay, okay. Do Hillsborough County. It just tells you the time period.

You got to build it. I understand that. They'd probably rather me just show up and build it. They'd probably prefer the check. Harrison, it's Bert. You're on Two Bears, One Cave real quick. What's up, man? I was literally listening to Two Bears, One Cave on my drive. That's all I want to hear. Hey, how much do these houses from Habitat for Humanity cost? If I'm on the podcast, exactly. Okay. Your donation, let's just say, bumped it up a good chunk towards a third home.

Towards the third home. Okay, but roughly what's the ballpark roughly and we'll edit it out roughly if you had to guess roughly We'll edit it out. You will not be told saying it but we're common. Okay, just we're editing it out roughly Okay, all right. All right now you're back on the podcast. Okay Harrison What kind of kickback can Tom and I get from the Bucks if we don't both donate a house? Oh

I'm glad you haven't talked to Peter and Victoria yet because I've been talking to them because I know that you like the recognition. So I'm working on something for you already. Just like a little gift, a little thank you as our appreciation. Okay, what's the thank you look like if Tom and I both donate a house? Much, much bigger. I don't know what it is, but I will make something ridiculous happen. Harrison. Harrison. Yes. You're talking to Tom now.

Hey, how's it going, man? Pretty good, man. How are you? Doing well. Looking forward to you coming out in March. I can't wait. I can't wait. I would love to. Whoa, you're letting the watchword in. I can't wait. I would love to see the facilities. I would love to check it all out. And also wanted to tell you that Bert and I will be donating the cost of a house for Habitat for Humanity. We're going to split a house? Yeah, we'll split a house. That is, that's amazing, man. That's insane. Okay. I will.

I'll tell the whole team they'll freak out. Great. And this is from Bert. Would love a press release and let everybody know that we did that. He's most interested in public acknowledgement. Yo, I need a couple calls from the Glazers. I need Baker Mayfield to send me a FaceTime. If you don't mind, just have work done. Come to our house just to make sure you talk. Is Peter there right now? He's not in the room, but he can hear you. Okay.

I've been talking to Peter to do something small and absurd as a thank you for Bert because I know how much he loves the recognition and never gets recognized for it. I really have been talking to people today about just something silly that we could do. If you guys are donating another house, we'll make something.

I would say it also, it's important in the acknowledgement to probably point out that it's me that's driving it. So he's participating, but I would probably lead with my name, okay? All right, cool. All right, so Harrison, Tom and I are good for one house, right? Hey, if you guys are good, I'll find out the specifics and I'll make sure we do something. Okay, okay. One house though, right? Yeah, one house, one house.

We'll do a house. We're in for a house. We're in for a house. It's the Christmas spirit. That's how I feel. That is right. Thank you guys very much. And just, and also Harrison, just, just so you know, Bert's in a position where he could do multiple homes. No problem. But this one house is definitely happening. So he should be building a neighborhood. Absolutely. Jesus Christ. And no cold plunges or shit. Just a house. No spa, just a house. Burned down for a neighborhood of it.

There you go. Jesus Christ. That's it. Okay. All right. Good to meet you, Harrison. I'll see you soon. All right. All right. Talk to you soon. All right. It's official. All right. We did it. Tom and I are donating a house. Don't you feel good? I don't feel it at all. Really? I mean, yeah, I feel it.

You're just like, fuck. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I'm good. I feel better, but I feel all the back end shit getting us here might make me look bad. No, it's all good, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People are going to be thrilled that you're doing it. Yeah, we're donating a house. All right. In Hillsborough County to Habitat for Humanity. Two bears, one cave. We get to pick the color. Do they let us do that? Dude, they're definitely getting pictures of us up like Jesus in the house, like right in the foyer.

This is who built your house? This is who paid for your house? Yeah. And those kids better be fucking fans. Yeah. And we're going to go. We should go to that house whenever, like just late night. Yeah. Or just like, look, I'm playing Tampa. I need a room. I'm not staying in a hotel. You guys are having me over. Who wants to tell Leanne? That'd be fun. Actually, I want to hear you tell her. That would be fun. Will she be like, what the fuck? She's so fucking pissed at me right now. Why? Why?

This is great. I'm excited. All right, let's call Leanne. Yeah, let's do it. God, her picture on her phone looks so good for her. You're really like... She looks so good in this picture. Every time I see it, I want to have sex. Look at this picture of her. This is great. Your call has been forwarded to voicemail.

You want to, we got to talk about your FaceTime sexy time too? No, not with her. She does not, that does not get shared. Okay, okay. She doesn't watch Two Bears. Okay. You think she's watching this? No, no, no. No, no, no. Speaking of Florida, how about FSU getting this? Dude, okay, can I tell you, I don't know whether or not, I don't know whether or not, like, I don't know, they got fucked because they're 12 and 0. 13 and 0. 13 and 0.

And would they have stood a chance against Georgia or Michigan? Well, they're going to play Georgia. Not Georgia, rather Michigan or all the teams that are above them. Well, here's the thing. Here's like the part that's like I think fucked up about this whole thing.

It's like you have... Like, I understand the criticism. I understand the criticism, too. So that, like, people go on, like, well, you know, the eye test or, like, they weren't that impressive and now they're down to a third string quarterback and, like, you know, they're... Whatever. But, like, you can also criticize Michigan's schedule. It's for sure a...

open to criticism and their whole schedule, what they've done. Alabama is not the Alabama of the last few years at all. They also have a loss. They almost had two more losses. Well, yeah, but that also applies to the eye test, right? You go like, this isn't the Alabama squad that we've been watching. If Alabama pulls this all off, then that makes the criticism less

of putting them in and leaving FSU out more legit. Like if they just have a great playoff run now. But the fucking blatant disrespect of it is crazy to me. Like it is nuts that you can be 13 and 0, power five team. And if you want to be just like, you know, everyone's going to have their bias and their feelings in this. And people are going to be for or against what we're saying. But there's an objective truth here.

that FSU is one of the premier brands of college football. Without a doubt. Without a doubt, it's a top 10 brand. They would never do this to Michigan. And the fact that you can win out and still be like, let's not, you know. It just, it feels like, it honestly just feels like just blatant disrespect. So what's the argument for SEC and the big? Well, I don't know what's going to happen. I mean, look. Because that's everything I've heard. This is the end of the.

of this problem too, which is the fucked up kind of part of it is that it'll be resolved next year when we expand the playoff. You know, it's going to be way more teams. So then I'll be like, oh yeah, now it's resolved. So this is, this is the end of the 14 playoff. So it is what it is in that sense, but it just, it feels like such bullshit that you can,

You can do that. Yeah, the SEC brand, look, that is the strongest one, without a doubt. And that conference, top to bottom, is head and shoulders above the other ones. It just is, you know? And they keep expanding. And this really is the whole thing about, like, the way we view conferences. What is going to be the status now? What does this say for the ACC, right? Like, what do they do? Because they're clearly, the evidence is clear. They're just saying, like, your conference isn't worth it. So...

You know, what do they do? Do they further expand? Do they all leave that conference? I don't know. You know, the conferences have changed so much over the last decade that, you know, there's now, I don't know how many fucking teams are in the Big Ten. It's like fucking 20 teams. Like, none of it is what it was. It's all changed. And the ones that are strong have gotten stronger. I kind of like seeing Coach Norville get pissed. Yeah, it was great. I love it. It was great. He's a little bit like a robot. Like, he's such a workhorse. Yeah. That, like...

Even when I saw him at the Florida State game, he was in go mode. He was like, yeah, uh-huh, good, enjoy the game. It's kind of what I like. Yeah, he's a great coach, man. He's a great fucking coach. That, I think, is objective, too. He's a great coach. I don't know. I'm bummed out for him and for that whole organization. As a program, you tell your kids the only way you can get a championship is win out. And they did it. You win out, and you get left out. Now,

You know, for them, it's all going to be on this game, you know, because Georgia's a great team. FSU's defense has been lights out. They really have been great. So to see how they stack up against Georgia and, you know, the struggle for them has been on offense and your fucking star quarterback is out and down to a third stringer, but you still managed to win. I don't know. It's all going to be in, like, the results of these games. But here's the thing.

Let's say they win. Let's say they beat Georgia. They went 14-0, and they beat the team that won the last two national championships, and then they're just going to get a, hey, great job. When they should be saying, if they do that, they should be in the conversation for national champs. It's crazy because it does, anything that,

With comedy I get it like when people trash people special or people celebrate specials that maybe weren't so great But it was brand friendly to what that magazine or article that company needs to celebrate. I always get that I've never been by that it's all PR Golden Globes and all that shit all publicity I get it I told this for people that like they're all publicity's all your PR never made a list once in my fucking life and

And, but, and I get it. I totally get it. And I never have an emotional attachment because it's subjective. But when something like that is objective, it fucking infuriates me. Yeah. Yeah. You have two one loss teams in the final four. That's why you play the game. Yeah. That's, I mean, they could have just awarded a national championship at the beginning of the season and been like, no, it doesn't matter. Records don't matter. Yeah.

I wonder, it's what's so cool is, and I do love that, except for the Kelsey brothers, I love all these sports podcasts. Yeah, except for theirs, yeah. Well, no, but I love hearing insights, like Taylor LeJuan's insight on these. Love it too. Dude, Pat McAfee, I know we sucked his dick last episode. Yeah. But like, did you see his switch from Georgia to Alabama? Yeah, I saw it. It was great. And Theo was fucking great on game day. Theo and Lee Corso should have a podcast together called...

Yeah, it was great, man. It was great. Theo didn't know any of the fucking teams. No. So fun. And who were they? I'll take them. Yeah. He was great in that. That whole thing was great. Theo's fucking... Theo makes me laugh almost as hard as Cameron and Mace. Oh, my God. When they talk about fucking gang banging chicks...

They're like sometimes you're back in the day if you feel like this podcast has slipped and me and Tom have changed Yeah, which is a valid argument sure everyone biggest thing ever see is bring back fat Tom We just bought a house if you think we've changed then I would implore you to add This is it. It is what it is. It is what it is with Cameron and mace to your podcast list it is simply

The greatest buddy podcast I've ever listened to in my fucking life. Yeah. They told a story. They do the thing that we do sometimes. We're like, I wish we could talk about that. Yeah. But then they talk about it. Yeah. He said, I wish we could talk about gang banging bitches.

And Mace starts, Mace is a preacher. Yeah, starts laughing. Mace starts laughing. Mace's laugh is so contagious. So contagious. And their friendship is so genuine. I tagged them one time in a post about how much I loved it. And Mace wrote back, hey, next time, will you please put Mace in front of Cameron instead of Cameron in front of Mace? You're like, oh. I was like, oh, I fucking love these guys. Yeah. They talked, there's a clip of them talking about getting a, I don't know the right way to say, I don't want to misquote them.

But them sharing a worker, a girl who was a little bit of an earner, and...

Mace's description, Cameron's description and Mace's laughing had me laughing so fucking hard. I was like, I texted you immediately. I said, we need to gangbang a bitch. We need more stories like this. We need to do stuff together again like when we were younger. Do you realize what kind of press release it would be if there's a house donated to Habitat for Humanity and a gangbang in the same sentence? Dude, I know the people that own Mons Venus. We can make that happen. Yeah, sure. We could gangbang a bitch and make it fun.

Yeah, of course. And I bet like the best part was that Mace was like, you wasn't, you weren't sucking my dick. Like you're sucking his dick.

I mean, it is so... There's so many... I have to say, there's so many podcasts right now. Would you look at me while it was happening or just focus on her? You know what? I was told by two comics, I won't say their names, two black comics that... Didn't need to do that, but okay. Well, no, but it's important in the story because they had asked me if I'd ever run a train on a chick with my friends. Yeah. And I was like, no. And Donnell was like, I think that means you're gay. Okay.

I was like, what are you talking about? And he's like, I can't believe you've never done that. And I was like, no, never, never. I've never had anyone else in the room. I've only been with the one person. And he's like, and it was just so like, no, that's, it doesn't make you gay if you do that. Like they were just like, that's how it should be. I've heard so many people have talked about having three or I guess that's a train really. But like, I, that I, I feel like I missed out. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if I can get hard.

I think that's the big challenge, right? Yeah. Because Cameron in his story said he wasn't hard yet because he's not going to get hard off some bitch sucking Mace's dick. Right. And I was like, I can see that. Yeah. And then I guess he got hard. Yeah.

I guess he did. What would you do if Cameron was like, something happens to Christina, she's in a coma, right? Right. But Cameron's like. Okay, what's next? He's like, yo, want to go back to fucking Lexington and 34th and gangbang this bitch? Okay. Yeah, right? Sure. Yeah. Now, the whole thing is like, I'd be super nervous walking in that room. I'm definitely not hard walking in. I'm not hard walking in at all. No, no. I'm not. Mace could maybe loosen me up. Because he's got a little like energy to him. Yeah. Where he's like, come on, it's fine.

Cameron would be like game time. Dick pills for sure though, right? Oh, hardcore. I'm taking something. You got a few of those? Yeah. Those blue chews? Yeah, let's go. Shout out to blue chew. That would be a good ad. Gang bang? Gang bang with your friends. Have a blue chew. Dude, their podcast is so funny. And they talk about basketball. They're really big basketball fans. That's where I first met Cameron. It was at a Knicks game. Really? Yeah, I met him and he was with Jim Jones.

And I was like I geeked out and Ron was with me my bus driver Yeah, Ron was like fucking lost his shit like you can tell when a black guy Geeks out they get real serious. Yeah, like they don't like I get excited and jumpy. I'm like shut up Cameron Yeah, oh shit dips it like oh my god. I'm such a fan. I'll do that I told him I was like you guys defined my you were the soundtrack of me moving to New York because that dips that was just hitting and

when I was walking around New York broke, and you'd hear it on Sundays in everyone's car. Everyone's car was blaring, like, the same couple songs. It was Big Pun, Dipset, and I told him that, and Cameron was cool as... He is cool as fuck. Yeah. He really is a regular dude who just happened to get into hip-hop, but, like, he...

I think texted me it was gonna come to my show and I was like bring any as many people as you want and and then we just kept in touch and and I Fucking love their do their podcast is like is I told you it's like listening to podcasts when we were doing them 12 years ago Yeah, and you were like, I don't think anyone's listening sure and they're they just talk by the way You followed have my what the kind of shit puffs in right now. I don't I gotta be honest you I all I know is

Everyone's telling their stories. Everyone. He seems like he's in a world of shit. What did he for real do? Like, I really do not know. I don't know. I heard something about a private plane and chicks and champagne bottles, but I don't know if those are all just hearsay or if it really happened or what was the thing that started it? Couldn't speak to that either. What I know is that he's being accused of like abusing people

I guess she was a former girlfriend and an artist, you know? And I don't know the extent of it. What is crazy is there is nobody who I would hate to beef with or just have him be in his crosshairs than 50 Cent. Because he, have you gone to his Instagram? 50s? It's always in my feed. No, it's phenomenal. He's the best Instagram. There are people who say they don't give a fuck. And then there are people who really live that life.

And if you like he all he's been doing is posting Puffy shit like over and over. So do you think he doesn't like Puffy? For sure. For sure. He offered to buy. He texted him and said, I'll buy Revolt from you. He was like, can you? He's doing a documentary on him. I didn't know that. Wait, where's the one he wrote? He offered. I mean, I would never want 50 cent.

against me. Yeah. Oh my God. And they're right. This comment is right. Diddy must have tried to little boy 50 at one point in his career during, cause he ain't letting up. He's been posting nonstop about 50 every day. About Diddy. About, sorry, about Diddy. Yes. Every day. He offered to buy revolt. He sent him a private text saying, yo, I'll buy revolt from you because. Look at his feed, dude. It's, it's, it's puffing. It's brutal, dude. Oh my God. What, how do you think,

Do you... Okay. Do you think... Is that a Diddy R. Kelly face swap? I'm telling you, dude, there's nobody like him. 50 really doesn't give a fuck. Do you think he has a team that works on his tweets and texts? Do you think he has a team? I think he just tells people what he wants.

I think he posts this shit himself for sure. I really do. I also think he gets sent a crazy amount of shit. Oh, I bet. Yeah. I want to know what his text groups look like. Oh, my God. Because he hated Ja Rule. He kind of ruined Ja Rule's career. Kind of? Yeah. Yeah. And this is like a celebration for him. I mean, Puff must be...

real dick to him well puff and I don't know him and I like I'm definitely not throwing my hat in the ring but he his posts that I followed on I had his chat number you remember those chat numbers yeah she get and I would get it and his posts were wildly disconnected really yeah like like he buy and be by himself in his backyard with a bottle of champagne and

Just drinking by himself. And you're like... They seem lonely, in my opinion. But... And I wish I knew more. I wish I was... I'd be a better podcaster if I researched before I talk about things. But like... You're good. It just... It seems like it's... What do you think happens? Do you think...

Do you think you're born that way where you take advantage of people or do you think that you get so much money and so much power that you just become disconnected from people as humans? No, I think you can get a lot of money and power and still not be like that. I heard an interview where Kevin Hart was talking about

and how there's no drug like fame. And that it is all of a sudden everything you've ever wanted is yours. It was a great podcast with Jay Shetty. I listened to the whole thing. But Kevin Hart was so, he was very accountable for his past misbehaviors and the car accident. I didn't realize he almost died in that car accident. That was a bad one. I remember. That was in some old school car, right? It was like a 60s or 70s car. He had bought everyone on his tour an old school car. Wow.

And they're the plastic cup carboys. Yeah. And he took his out. I was working right where he was. Was it like Mulholland or something? Yeah, it was up on Mulholland, like down by in Calabasas. And I saw where the wreck happened, and it was aggressive. Like the week after, we drove past it, and the driver's like, yo. I feel like he was like stuck in that car too, if I remember right. I think he was, because I don't think he was wearing a seatbelt, and then those cars collapsed. Kevin Hart's had bad luck with health. He tore his abdomen.

That was trying to run a 40 against a former NFL player. Did you see him try to catch a punt? No. Hysterical. Really? Kevin Hart, I think people, I mean, I know that he is the biggest comedic actor of our generation. Sure. But I think people forget just how

like silly funny he is yeah like he's great at telling the story great at like a podcast or a late night show appearance it's great if you can get him out of like if because there's a thing that happens in podcasts i'm definitely guilty of this where you start doing podcasts with people and it becomes about your business as opposed to who you are as a comic like i've done them where you go in and i was like i meant i want i wanted to be funny on this but everything you asked it asked me is like

How do I market? Yeah, same, same. I know. And you don't want to not answer those questions or tell them that's not the interview you want to do. No, I've had podcasts like that where the interview is like a business interview. Yeah. And then they're like... That's the majority of the ones I do. And now sometimes with BirdCast...

I'll bring it if I bring in young comics they want to pick my brain on the podcast and I fucking love talking about myself So I'm fucking just off to the races and then they don't say a word and everyone's like great podcast You must feel like I feel like you really like fame. So do you feel like fame is a drug to you? No, really? No, I don't feel it at all. What are you talking about? I don't get I don't do access to things like I don't he talking about like I think the fame you get when you're younger is different than the fame you get when you're older and

Okay. When you fame, you get when you're older is like, it's kind of like just a, like a

a more comfortable bed where you go, oh, this is nice. You know, like, but I never like, I never like hit up anyone to get tickets for things. Like I'll reach out to my manager and go, hey, can you see if we can get tickets I can't get? But like we went to- Isn't that exactly what you- No, no, no, no. But I don't go like, I need backstage access. I need this. I need that. Oh, I got you. Like we went to Metallica and I've just bought tickets. So I was like, it's much easier for me to buy tickets because also what happens for me is if I get tickets for something, I'm working.

So like Flyers game, totally cool. I'm at the Wells Fargo Center the next night. But like, I realized that was a work trip. Like I didn't really even drink, but like at the thing, I'm like, I gotta, I gotta take my shirt off. I'm going to kill a beer. There's one beer I drank. I got to throw t-shirts. I got to do a thing with Gritty. I got it. Like, so it's kind of like, you're not just chilling. If you ask for the thing, they'll give it to you, but you have to work. Someone like Kevin Hart, he asked for it. He doesn't work. I just don't, I never experienced his like fame. Like my fame is like people recognize you on an airplane and

and then they're like can i get a picture and you're like yeah cool and uh but like never like i don't have like i don't know it's not i don't like i'm not like going into a club going i want her like that's what i think he was talking about yeah his thing was i'm paraphrasing obviously but when he cheated on his wife he was like i'll never get caught because i'm kevin hart that's why he said this and i'm paraphrasing so i'm apologizing about misspeaking but

He said that I am not that guy. I am definitely like, oh no, I, if I get caught, I will get caught. I will get caught. If I cheat on the end, I will get caught.

And I'll lose everything. Okay. And like, and if I drink and drive, I don't drink and drive because you've never done that. I will say that I have done it in my life. Well, yeah, yeah. But I'm saying in your adult life that I don't life, you're like, as a grown man, I've never seen, you've always had a ride. Yeah. I don't ask people for drugs. Like I don't like, yeah, like certain things that are the enticing thing when you're young and famous, which I'm sure is gotta be the problematic thing that happens with guys like

Shia LaBeouf and fucking Timothee Chalamet and all those crazy things. What it must have been like to be Mark Wahlberg at a young age. I don't get any of that. I just get more getting recognized. I get free barbecue sometimes. Yeah. Like beers. I haven't paid for a beer in a long time. Cool. That's good. Yeah, but that's the...

A free meal is a sweet perk. But no, even still, even still, when they give shoe stores, they'll always go like, they're on us. And I'm like, no. Because I go, I'm here to support your business. I can't have you be upside down giving me shoes.

You can give me a discount, but like, don't comp it. Cause I, and I'll pay for that and I'll pay for like team stores. When we go to arenas, we go to the team store. Every time we go to the team store, anyone on the crew gets whatever they want from the team store. And I always pay. And a lot of times I'll be like, don't worry, we got it. And I'll be like,

I'll be like, listen, be careful because I'm going to, I'm going to shopping. Like I want stuff, like I'm going to buy stuff. And so I don't really, uh, I don't, I mean, I'm sure I'm being hypocritical. I'm sure people can point out a million times that I've abused my fame, but I, but I try to like, I don't restaurants. Yeah. Your answer just gave me anxiety. Well, I know I'm getting anxiety. It was so intense. I was just like, what do you think of fame? And I'm like holding onto the fucking table. What do you think of fame? Um,

I mean, I think that it's, you know, there's, it is, there's like a double-edged sword to it. I also think that you have, you have perspective on fame when you have

Degree of it and you understand when you have a little like when you have some fame you understand that there are levels to fame Oh, yeah so like we and like we have friends that are far more famous than us or that people are always trying to get yeah That's put things in perspective to puts it in perspective every time Yes, anyone wants to give you something it's so they can get to Rogan a lot of times a lot of times so I've realized that

I do not have access to Rogan that way. I cannot get you Rogan. Yeah. And so, and I won't do it. I mean, it's just like as an example, I'm at the UFC and these people wave me over. They all wanted pictures. But one of them was like, can I get a picture? And I go, sure. But I did like 25 of them or something. And then she's like, so can you get Joe to come over here? And I was like, no, no. She was like, please. I was like, it's not going to happen. No. She's like, will you ask him? I go, sure.

Then I go back over there and I see her. She's like, and I look at him and I go, that person over there wants you to, he was like, he just like, he laughed. I was like, yeah, he's not going to come up and come over to you. But yeah, people want to, they also like, will you tell him stuff? You know, all that kind of stuff. And you know, with gifts, I get gifts given to me and they're like, and I made one for Joe and I'm like, cool. Yeah. It looks like I got two. Thank you very much. I love these cutting boards.

Yeah, I mean, here's the best part of fame is that sometimes there's just these perks that are actually honestly really desirable and make life just easier. Like a restaurant. Like a restaurant. Literally have been to restaurants where they go like, sorry. And then...

Just show your face or say your name and they go, actually, we can accommodate. Oh, I've shown my face before. So that part, you go like, that's pretty amazing. I would say that's a great perk. We went to Parents Weekend and this is one thing I've gotten comfortable with. Yeah. Is we went to Parents Weekend and traffic was closed off and I was like, it's okay, just pull up.

And the guy's like, they're not letting me in. I go, it's going to be fine. I just rolled my window down and the guy's like, oh shit, the machine. And I was like, what's up? I was like, we're trying to get in there. He's like, come on in. And you're like, and that's, I've, I've, I've, I've done that. I've done that a lot. I did it at the bucks game. As a matter of fact, I said to the guy, just don't worry. Just show my face. You'll be fine. And then that's, that's a perk. Yeah. That's a perk. Yeah. And here's the thing to be fair about what, like, and I'm talking about the degree of fame that I experienced, um,

is that most of the time it's just people being extra nice to you yeah that's it so like how are you going to complain about that it's literally just people saying hi they tell you things i love the special i love the i listen to podcasts and you know i'm a big fan i mean what's that's a nice thing if you were not if you're not famous and people would come up to you every day and be like big fan i mean it does yeah it's a nice thing to hear the lady on the flight today i was flying in and uh

She said, I asked for a coffee on the flight. Look at you. Dude, I've changed so much. I don't even recognize you. I know. I said, can I get a coffee? And she went, sure. And she said, I know you. You fly this flight a lot. And I said, no, I actually never fly at United. And she said, but I know you. And I didn't know the right way to do it, so I just cut the chase. I go, I'm famous. And she went, no. And I went, no, that's why you know me. You probably see me on TikTok or something. She goes, I'm on TikTok. I went, well, I know, but it's...

Netflix? I said, do you have Netflix? She goes, yeah. I said, I have like five specials on Netflix. I have a movie on Netflix. She went, no, you're fucking with me, aren't you? And I went, no. She goes, you're messing with me. And I was like, okay. I was like, yeah, I don't know what to say. She gave me my coffee and I sit down. And then she comes back. She has me up on Netflix. She goes, hey, wait, you weren't lying. And I was like, why would I lie? I don't know. I need to cut to the chase because I just want the coffee. And I'm double thinking that maybe I should get a Jack on the Rocks.

But, uh, but that, that's the weirdest part is like when people know, I think this happens to me more than you, but people know me, but don't know why they know me.

Like, I feel like I'm more recognizable because I put myself out there so much. Also, I don't feel like people would see you and be like, you look like this guy, Bert. They just know you're Bert. A lot of people are Brett or Bert. Right. But they know that that's you. I get a ton of other like...

do you know who you look like? And they're like, sincere. Really? And I'm like, who? And they're like, there's a comedian. You look just like him. And I was like, oh yeah, that's my cousin. And they're like, oh really? Like, yeah. And then they just walk away. This lady got on the plane last week and I'm sitting next to this dude, not drinking. And she walks by, she works for the airline. And she walks by and she goes, leans over the guy and she goes, I just need you to, she was doing a jump seat. I might have told you this story before.

She was in a jump seat. She was a flight attendant and she was like I just need to tell you that you guys saved my life Over the pandemic like over the pandemic, you know, I wasn't working I was like it was rough and I she's like you're Jason Kelsey, right? Yeah She goes you you saved my life. Literally. I keep doing what you're doing. I love you That's super sweet. It was really great and the guy next to me goes like after like five minutes goes alright I gotta ask what you do and I was just like I'm a doctor and

He was like, really? I went, yeah. I helped a lot of people during the pandemic. Yeah, I'm a doctor that flies in Lululemon tracksuits and has a new one every flight. I incubated about 100,000 people during the pandemic. Oh, wow. I'm a vaxxer. I jabbed a lot of people. So what are we going head-to-head with Kelsey's about? That's what I was going to ask you. We need to do like a meet-up with them. Yeah, we should do that. We should schedule something soon and then go big for the Super Bowl. Maybe what we should do is...

is talk to them about what it is and of course exclude anything physical. Yes. Like it cannot be running, jumping, weightlifting. I don't know, jumping. Oh yeah, jumping. Don't do jumping. No, don't do that. Yeah, it's not your strong suit. Mine? How about the fact that they're fucking professional athletes?

Do you think you can out-jump them? I almost swallowed my zen. So then what are we going head-to-head in? I can still jump higher. Oh, by the way. I can jump higher than you, by the way. Sidebar. No, you can't. Yes, I can. You want to do a thing? Not now. I don't want to see it happen again. It's not going to happen again. Sidebar. I'll out-jump you. You think you can out-jump me? For sure. How much do you weigh right now? 205. You're 205? Yeah. That's so funny. You look so much bigger. Really? Like jacked.

I'm 205, but for sure I can outjump you. Whose stomach do you think is smaller? What do you mean? Like if you measured it. I measure my body. I don't know. It's the only way I can tell that I'm losing weight because I'm getting so muscular, so muscular. I took a great nude photo of myself today. Today? Today. Here? I know, on the bus. I look good getting out of the shower, and I was like, that's not just for me. That's for anyone that wants it. So who'd you send it to? Leanne. Post it. You can do it on Twitter. Yeah.

I'll just edit out my dick. I'll do a roast beef challenge. I'll be like, I look so good, and just drop it in my dick. Yeah, oops. I fucking love hot dogs. Yeah. Love when you need a nice hot dog in your mouth. All right, Kelsey's coming up, right? So what do you think? What do you think, though? What kind of challenge? Here's the thing, and it can't be cerebral because I don't know about Travis, but Jason's really smart. Sidebar, you know, we skated over Jason's wife.

We did? Yeah, we didn't even talk about it. We talked about Travis' chick. Jason's wife is one bad motherfucker. Yeah, she's beautiful. No, no, she's beautiful, but she is like, I just saw, I started watching, you ever see the clip of when he wants to bring his kids to the Super Bowl? She's like, no fucking way. We're not spending $4,000 so she can see the Super Bowl. And he's like, do you want to go to the Super Bowl? And she's like, are you in it? And he's like, yeah. She's like, yeah. And he's like, we're going to take them to the Super Bowl. She is a fucking awesome chick. She had to be a collegiate athlete.

I think she was she had to be I think she is beautiful she is beautiful they might have met like at school or something yeah oh what if we could pit their chicks against each other what if we bring in our wives in this no no no no that's a bad call uh dude we have to like you know hedge like we gotta what could we possibly be better at them reading out loud reading out loud yeah but again Jason's a reader I think he's got like a degree or something oh for real yeah

Won't be an eating contest, Jason. He'll smoke us. Fuck yeah, he will. I'm just keto right now. Drink? Drinking? We could fuck them up drinking. You think so? Yeah. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I saw a clip of Jason Kelsey. He can drink like 24 beers. Let's not do beers. Let's do like vodka or something. Ooh, that's my sweet spot. Right? I can drink some vodka. Fucking they'll watch me sprint on a horse.

The symbiotic motion of my neck and the horse's neck going at the same fucking time. You got to get away from physical shit, man. It's got to be. They can raise more money in charity than us. Oh, yeah. Because of the fucking tailor. Yeah. We could. Yeah, he does things now. Okay, think about this way. No, when Travis does things now, he's got all these tailor fans. Some guy, the tight end for the...

Who'd they play yesterday or something like that?

ran off the sidelines and fell and then he just extended his hand and picked him up and then that trended and it was all Taylor fans being like this is why I love him like I said nice they pulled up his old tweets and he was like he likes dogs isn't anything better than a dog they just wouldn't that have been great if they had some foresight to be good people yeah have great tweets in our background instead of what we have hmm we should we should see if we mine aren't so good

i have a period of twitter where i just thought it was a place you took and posted those yeah a lot of jizz stuff it's pretty bad all right so it can't be anything with our past it's got to be something current it's a dancing competition i think you think they can dance i think travis can he's dated a lot of black chicks really yeah i haven't dated any i hooked up with one oh the one that couldn't swim yeah chicken dance

That's how you hooked up with her. You saved her from drowning. Shout out to Tia. You have to be a real Two Bears fan to remember that story. We got to think of something. They're going to come with an idea. No, they're not. Yeah, they are. No. They're going to be like this.

Hey guys, big fans, let's do something fun. Yeah, they're going to be like, curls. They're going to come up with something. We've got to be like, no, no, no. Push-ups? You don't want to fucking do a push-up contest with them. Hold your breath? Yeah. I bet we can hold our breath now. They've probably got great lungs. Yeah, also, they'll die.

doing it you know i mean yeah hey guys get in our comments and leave comments of what you think the challenge should be but like think of us yeah yeah yeah like lean it towards us and and like come on be serious

You should have seen the comments when I was like, I'm about to interview my childhood hero. Yeah. He's going to be on the podcast. And everyone's like, I can't wait to see Hitler. Oh, yeah. Where's he been? Not one person guessed it. No. Doug Williams. Yeah, Doug Williams. I didn't guess that either. Yeah. God damn it, man. What don't they have? What do we have that they don't have? What about trivia?

I mean, it's possible. I really think that's probably... Oh, like a newlywed contest. Like that kind of thing or like a Jeopardy style, like, you know. Where you have to have a partner Pictionary or something like that. Now you're thinking right. I think... Yeah, yeah. It's like, and here's the thing. Yeah. I bet they've never had their cocks tethered together with electrodes. We've done that. Yeah, we have. You know, Cameron and Mace are going to want in on this. Yeah, they're going to be like, yo, yo, your dicks are out. Holler at your boy. Kill it, Cam. Oh, what about writing a Christmas song?

Writing a song? He's got a little leg up on songwriting. Fucking shit. No, I think it's like, do you know your buddy? Do you know your partner? It's a game like that. They're brothers, Tom. I know. They're brothers. Yeah. They share everything. We should do couples therapy and really empty out our boats. We need to get ready for this. Yeah, we do. This is happening. And we got to bring some ideas to the table. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

Forget physical. So it definitely has to be something that you... It's got to be talent-wise. It's got to be something where we shine talent-wise, like singing or dancing or acting out a scene from a movie. We're going to act out scenes? I don't know. Brokeback Mountain. Let's see if he'll spin on his cock and put it in his brother's ass. I'll do it to you. Or you can do it to me, whichever way you want to be. Okay, I'll take that one.

Surfing no nothing physical it's gotta be talent wise because we can really razzle-dazzle the group like especially on a stage if we're doing it the Super Bowl if we do if we meet with them and they're up to doing like a big Co-event at the Super Bowl. Yeah, and then we have crowds like singing the national anthem or like mmm like something really fucking epic I don't know that they can sing. I don't think they can can you sing come on? Well, you said that like I have the best singing voice in the world. I

I'm like, if I had not been a stand-up comedian, I would be a front man. A karaoke contest. Now you're thinking that's a long list. Air guitar. Air banding. We're air band. We roller skating. Something that's just something they haven't done in a while that we can really practice while they're playing in their professional football season.

Okay, and we can bring the fucking thunder what we want what we really want is The viral clip of us beating them. Yeah, everyone just going they're undeniable. They're undeniable, right? It's gonna be it'll be huge and then they'll do theirs and then people you know They'll laugh and repost theirs and then all the Swifties will be like he's so great Don't you love a guy who can't sing? Yeah, and then but then me and you'll belt Fucking what what genre music are you best at singing?

Sadly a lot of like 90 shit like rock. Yeah rock. I'm a great like folk artist You're a great folk are like Irish folk the pogue folk folk me folk folk Okay, it was Nick folk right and the other quarterback for the Eagles Nick folk. Oh the big dick. Yeah Yeah, yeah, we can we can what are you pulling up? I love it Nick folk. Yeah, I

Nick Folk penis, though. You've been doing jujitsu and nothing. It's got to be a real like talent show. Type penis. How big? See how big Dick Nick got his nickname. Yeah. Is that him now? Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. It's got to be some sort of talent contest. Okay. Some sort of talent show. Some sort of like you can play the piano. You know what? We just got to come in like stepbrothers. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we do. We've got to fucking put them in their place, dude. If we do original songs, and we've got to trust that they're not going to lean in on the biggest singer-songwriter of our generation. You trust that? No. You know he's going to be like, Taylor, write me one real quick. Yeah, and she's going to just write a perfect song. She'll be like, two fat fucks think they got us like the Eagles versus the Bucks. One's gay and one's retarded. And you're like, wait, what? Wait, is that about them or us? I think it's us. Ha ha ha ha.

It'd be cool if she wrote like a really mean song. That'd be amazing. And just destroyed us and then the Swifties turned against her. And when they started following us and they're like, those aren't real. I'm not gonna let two beat up the Kelsey's. And we're like, yo, what? These two guys are like, I'm not sure I want to do this contest anymore. Make sure you bleep it. See if they can suck their own dicks. All right.

Well, we know what's coming up. What's coming up. We're going to talk to them. Yep. Let's recap the episode. This has been a crazy episode. It's been fun.

In this episode, Tom did the majority of talking. Did I? It was aggressive. I don't know. The booth, weighing on that. What do you guys think? 50-50? That's better than 80-20, right? It was evening out. Okay, good. We donated a house for Habitat for Humanity. I made you. We tried Russian zins. Those are not zins. They're fucking not zins. I held my shit for well over an hour. I'm sweating aggressively. Yeah. I have barbecue waiting for me. Cool. I'm sweating.

And it's on with the Kelseys. Cool. Let's do it, man. They clap back. We heard their clap. Everyone should check out Mason Cameron. Yeah. It is what it is. And I love you. I love you too, man.

We'll see you guys next week.