Calling Comics for 2 Bears 5K | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 217
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We want to do a 5K and we would love if you would join us. Not in a million years. Not in a million years. So this is WatchBert. Yeah, Louis. 100% Cheers. Cheers.

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Somebody said goodbye to type 2 diabetes and he's sitting right across from me right now. Happy New Year. Happy New Year's, everybody. I hope you are hungover as fuck right now. This will just carry you through the next hour and change and then you can go back to your drip and your New Year's resolutions. What's your New Year's resolution, Tom? I think I have...

multiple wins really yeah I've already achieved everything I've ever wanted in life so I think you're done it's a cruise year cruise yeah just chill it's a chill year

Chill year. Every year's resolution, it's always drink less, lose weight, do pushups, run a seven minute mile. That's every year. Did you run a seven minute mile this year? No, no, no. I'm going to try. I haven't been running because I had plantar fasciitis when I was fat. Just my feet hurt. And so I'm down. Now I'm going to see if I can get down to a seven minute mile. Do you mean in just under eight or do you mean? A seven minute mile. Do you think you can do that?

I don't know. I think I could now. Really? It's all about your body and the weight of your body. Well, yeah, yeah. It's also how fast you move your legs. I'm the skinniest I've been in probably 12 years. No, no, no. We were 220 when we did the weight loss challenge. That's the skinniest I've ever been, but I gained it right back. 2017. So, like, I'm the skinniest I've been in a very long time. But wait a minute. I want to go, because I just did a 5K, and one of the things I'd like to do this year is a 10K. Okay.

wow, this is what's beautiful about this show. It unravels right in front of you. But one of the things I got kind of... I love being your partner. Thank you. I love being your partner. Did she say that to you? Mm-mm. Leigh Ann doesn't say a fucking thing to me. Mm-mm. I don't think she appreciates me as much as I appreciate you. Really? Oh, she's never made me money. That's why you appreciate me. Well, other things too. I mean, we... Do you... Wait. Were you...

Because here's the thing. I was so far removed. All right, full disclosure. The only time I really got into running, and I mean I made it like part of my routine, and this is true, is the summer between eighth grade and ninth grade. It really is. And what I would do is on my own. This is why it was a thing where like, and I, you know, I was on the path of like, oh, this is something that I think I'm really into. I did it like five days a week.

From like late May until September. I got pretty good at it. Like I was enjoying it and I was extending the runs. Let it go, never became a thing again. Getting ready for the 5K was the first time I got like thinking about paces. You know what I mean? What I was for the last 15 years was basically like run a mile, a mile.

And I never even thought about the time. It was always just like, did we finish a mile? And then you would just like walk and then maybe run again. But so this was the only thing time where I was like thinking about it, monitoring the pace, being like, okay, I want to try to maintain this pace. So it got that into my head.

And then you see the people who, you know, you see the different categories, people who were running at a 10 minute pace, nine, eight, seven, six, and five fucking the most psychotic people in the world. They have those treadmills. When you do marathons, they have a huge safe treadmill at the pace that the record setter for the, whatever marathon did. And they see if people can just stay on it. And if you can't, their pace is so fast.

fucking quick and here's the thing when those guys the top tier guys that are doing the uh five minute and sub five minute paces they're not like they're just like it looks like it looks like they're doing a casual run they're so elite but i actually started thinking about how back then when i did a one mile test run i did it in like the low sevens yeah right

I was like, wow, that's fucking seems so far, not just so long ago, but like getting to that pace is like a real thing. Do you think you could do a seven minute mile now? Yeah. Yeah. It's because a lot of what a seven minute mile is not multiple. I can't do multiple, but a lot of what a seven minute mile is, is just.

maintaining that pace and there's and so is that how you would you do it in let's break it into quarter miles would you do it where you get to this pace into the in the first quarter and go i will keep this for the four quarters yes yes and then and then in that last quarter i speed it up

okay so you go for the push at the end i'd go for the push at the end and so i did it the last time i did it was probably it was right it was when i was 40 that's fucking long ago yeah it's probably the last time i did it that i really remember registering it you're 51 now yeah 20 10 minute miles i gotta be honest you 10 minute miles are tough especially that's why i'm asking for a long time trim that three minutes off of that

Three minutes off of a fucking run is not easy. It's actually easier than you think. Okay. How? Because you will not notice. You will not notice a nine and a ten minute mile. Your body won't notice it. Well, I'll say this. For having just kind of... What did you do a 5K in? Dude, it was... My goal was just to be sub ten minute the whole time. Yeah. And I...

I was looking at, I wish I'd had the watch. Oh, bro. I had when I ran. I was in with my phone. Whenever I do races, they have a tattoo that you can put on your arm that has the, not altitudes, but altitudes really. Altitudes is the wrong thing. Yeah, that's how. Attitude? No. Aptitude? Longevity? Longevity? No, the thing that tells you how high you are.

Like it tells you what you're about to run, your height you're about to run, and then when you downhill. It gives you uphills and downhills to each mile. It's a real-time thing? Yeah. Can you pull it up? A tattoo of... What do you mean it's a tattoo? A tattoo. It's like the things that go on your skin forever. What? A tattoo. What are we talking about? It's a press-on.

It's a press on. I don't understand what it tells you. It tells you mile one, your incline is this much. Okay. So you can pace yourself. Okay. Okay. So sometimes you'll go like, fuck, it's a pretty steep incline. I'm going to walk this incline because I know that I have a down, down. And so. Well, here's the thing. There are marathons that are just straight downhill, all downhill. I ran a one, one mile the week leading up to it.

At a... It wasn't like, oh my God, I'm dying. It was like focused and it was like 9.15, right? That's good. But I was like, okay, if I fucking was really pushing myself to do that, I know I could...

Like if you were like, you got to run faster, probably trim it to just sub nine for that one mile. That's a long ways from a seven minute mile though. Long way. It is. It is. But if you're focusing on one mile, it's different. Totally. On one mile, you're looking at the clock, you're looking at your pace and you're also realizing you're eating huge chunks of the clock.

And you're knowing where you are. It is, it is a burner. Like you might throw up afterwards. Sure. But, uh, but I seriously attempt 10 minute miles at threshold of like the average person will feel a 10 minute mile. But if you're in kind of shape, you, I would argue you won't feel the difference. You wouldn't,

If I put you at what it looked like a 10 minute mile and had you start running and it was really a nine minute mile, you'd be like, I didn't know. Right. You would definitely know what a seven minute mile. Oh, fuck yeah. Eight minute mile. I used to run eight minute, eight minutes and 13 seconds was my pace when I was running a lot for a mile. And, uh, but I never, but I never like, that's what I do a 5k in. So I was doing 5k a day for, I thought I had a stroke in, uh, Bali and, uh, it was planet. It was, uh,

sciatic problems and but it scared the fuck out of me it scared the fuck out of me the only time i've ever i read uh i listened to matthew perry's book do you ever listen to it the the one about his addiction and stuff heartbreaking what does it involve running i did a lot of no i mean i didn't know we were like did we transition i don't know how i got to matthew i was like wait a minute is there a fucking i don't know how i got to matthew perry's book

I don't know how I got into it. I don't know how you got into it either. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, because when I thought I had a stroke, there's a moment, especially if you're a partier, that you realize I did this to myself. Yeah. And he had done that when he ruptured his colon. He realized he had done this to himself, and I identified with that feeling. That's so fucking sad that he's dead. Dude, I will just say this. Listen, I'm not going to get – one day I'll get in the weeds about –

addiction and my my control and how I deal with things and I was just talking to Ryan about it and ad nauseum about Journaling. I really wanted to drink last night. I really wanted a martini and a bottle of wine. I

I wanted it. And so I journaled about it, like when I got home and why I wanted it and what I wanted. And I still couldn't get past the fact that I wanted it. I didn't have it. And then I journaled this morning about it, about do I feel better? And I didn't feel better. Oddly enough, I felt I didn't sleep well last night. Then after my workout, I journaled again and I went, okay, that was a good, that was really good.

I'm glad I didn't drink. And so then I look at those journal entries and I use them to quantify times that I'm happy in my life. I have a happiness journal. This is so crazy talk that I, Dr. Drew, everyone will pick me apart in a million fucking ways. And I don't want to, I'm not there yet, but in his book, when you listen to his book, if you're going through anything, listen to his book. And if you can identify with what he feels, then you have a problem because he really talks about having a problem.

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But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon, spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else.

I think they mean us. Oh, um. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday only on Peacock. He talks about it so clearly that it gave me sincere hope that like, because I listened to it in the 83 days I was sober, and I was like,

I just was like, I don't have that. I don't have that. He talks about Bruce Willis and how Bruce Willis could party his balls off, have a great fucking time, but turn it off at the end of the night and go, I'm going to bed and then get up and go to work and get shit done. He was like, I wish I had that. And I was like, I got more of that than that. Like I, I love the party. I want the party to never end by, I don't,

Sit in my bed going I want more I just go I'm going to bed and Matthew Perry could not go to bed like he was just like I mean dude that book is so it is such a great he is so fucking honest and vulnerable in it that

It really makes you break your heart when you find out that he did pass, especially with, I don't know what the toxicology report said, but it wasn't anything. My point is- It wasn't anything? It wasn't anything. It was that his body had given up. His body had just gone through so much. I think he did a lot of exercise that day, right? He went and played pickleball. He loved pickleball. He was a great tennis player. It's so wild, too. This is a real superficial thing, but-

the way abuse of drugs and alcohol just destroys the way someone's, you know, he was like this handsome guy. He was a handsome guy. And you saw the way like this, the body just falls apart. It just falls apart. You don't even realize it.

Yeah, you know, I mean I just show you that picture of me that from fully loaded when I was 275 You don't realize I was telling you I felt good. I looked good. I was happy with my body You don't even realize it You don't even realize you're red in every interview you do people point it out online and you go fuck you You want me to get hair makeup before I do a podcast like I can get hair makeup people get hair makeup You don't even know Rogan goes through three hours of hair and makeup for those bug. I think every day every day but um, but

Mean I not and we're gonna go back to running but like Sean McCowan from the pokes passed away recently do were you a fan of the pokes? I know your wife probably was they were like an Irish punk band, but they sang like old Irish songs he was epic one of Johnny Depp's best friends a Legend his teeth. He didn't have the best teeth. Did I have the best he had pretty rough teeth He had pretty rough teeth at the end. He lost all his teeth and

He was a big drug user? Big drug user, big drinker. Fuck! That's his mouth? Yeah. He was great. You know, he's one of the best Christmas songs in the world, or by the Pogues. Really? Yeah, they won't play it because they use the F word in it. Girl calls him a f*** in the song. But it's one of the best, it's the best Christmas song, I would argue. It's my favorite Christmas song. And so, but when you, now go to pictures of Sean McCowan right before he passed, and

And it's heartbreaking, but that's the thing. No, you got, yeah. Like look at him. Like, yeah, no, that's it. Just it. But that, that's what it does. That ultimately that's what it does. And one day you wake up and you go, I did this to myself. I did this to myself. And that's the thing. And I,

Only you can answer this in your head if you're dealing with stuff, but if you can I never want I never want to be there I never want to be there and I was there in Bali where I thought I drank the whole fucking flight to Asia did that we did got the hotel rooms in the airport in Japan and Got a bottle of wine went into there had a bottle of wine in the hotel room slept and

poured a bottle of wine in my thermos, drank it on the flight into Bali, get to Bali, get fucking wasted at Bali because it's like daytime, drink all day long, wake up the next morning in a beautiful hotel, infinity pool, girls want to go swimming, and my leg's numb. And I'm like, I did it. I did it to my, that panic that you feel. I've done something. I did it. I did it. I did this to myself. You asked for it. You didn't, you refused to listen to anyone. You wanted to do it your way, and this is where you are.

And then through the day, my legs started feeling better. And I said, that's it. I'm going to run a 5k a day. I'm going to run a 5k a day. I'm going to, if it was a stroke, I'm going to fucking, it wasn't a stroke. It was sciatic, but I did a 5k a day. And that's when I started really, and I started really like all through Australia. Cause I did an Australian tour 5k a day every day for like a very long time. And that's when I, I was like, that's when I was getting my times down. So my 5k time was 24.

Six minutes. I think was the last 5k. I did good and It's not great. I did it. No, that's great And I thought it was a beer crawl 5k so we had like four beers before it started and then it was just a 5k Adam right now though you think you can get down to seven minute mile I think so I have a different body than I did like when I was running my body was really like

It was not like I had my shoulders. I got a coat hanger. My yeah. But you're, you know, the thing about great distance runners, I'm saying, even though miles not considered distance distance, but it's really about, they're all lean. Yeah. They're very lean. The guys that like that, the top times at this 5k, they were 15 minutes, 15 minutes, 16 minutes. And you're like, what? Like, but those guys, I saw them cause I saw them, uh,

On the approach, as we were hitting mile one, we saw them because it was all outside on streets. I didn't realize when we saw them coming back. They were running back. They were running back about to – they were like at two and a half miles about to finish.

And we were on the approach of mile one. We were like, what the fuck? But they all were like 140, 150 pounds. You got to be like 130 pounds to run. They were like super, super lean guys. Yeah. The real fun race is a half marathon. That's the best. Marathons suck dicks. Half marathon is the shit. We should put on a 5K, a Two Bears 5K.

5K would be dope. Yeah, 5K. And then make it fun. Have like a big party afterwards. Oh, I know when we could do it. We could do it in March. Why March? It's a great time to run. Springtime. It's beautiful. It's beautiful out. No allergies. Everyone's out there. Actually, the Thanksgiving Day one was kind of super fun. Those turkey trots are awesome. Yeah, 7 a.m. And it's cool out, but it's not cold. It was nice. When I ran the LA Marathon, I...

did not train for it. I told everyone I didn't train for it. I remember. But the one thing I did is I knew marathons. I knew the one mistake you did not want to do is have to take a shit in a marathon. Yeah, that's... Right out the gate, lines for the bathroom. Right as soon as they start running, everyone's got to shit. And that's ruined their time. You already shit. I shit aggressively. I shit, I ate a banana. I walked when I needed to walk. I ran when I could. Wait, if you went outside right now,

I ran one mile. What do you think your time would be for one mile? If like I pushed it? Yeah. I could probably, and I only say this because I jogged a little bit on the treadmill today. I could probably bang out like if I pushed it an eight and a half minute mile. Okay. I think if I pushed it. But I'm also in...

I don't know if I've run. I've been doing a lot of squats and stuff like that. So I think my legs are probably stronger even than when I ran. Yeah, but it's a different thing, right? It's a different beast. Runner's legs are different than... Runner's legs are totally different. And it's a lot about your body movement. You get comfortable. Your body gets muscles in your body. The first time you run, you feel pain in places you don't normally feel. Who are the best running comics, you think? Well, obviously, Michelle's up there. Michelle's probably...

Gotta be number one. Yeah, I mean I don't think any she runs like she's running from something like for real like she runs in dangerous neighborhoods She runs she runs 12 Miles every day. Yeah, so she's a real runner real runner like when we did that challenge I would text with her back and forth and I was like I was I had to push to get to a thousand miles that year in - yeah, she did easy easy and

That's a different, you got up a different mindset to be a runner. Like my dad, my dad was a real runner, like real run, like sub three or like three, three hour marathons. Really? Yeah. My dad was like, my dad was legit. Like when he run, he doesn't run anymore. He's got a broken hip, but when he ran, it was actually pretty beautiful. Like he had like a great stride, very relaxed. I used to have to go in and, and be his like guide.

Guy to follow him through the marathon did you see what that motherfucker that just said the new world record did know his pace pace for 26 miles was 438 for them for the marathon the guy Kept it for 26 miles, but he's boring as fuck. Yeah, and you know I mean you think if you think think about Let's take a shell out of this equation. Yeah, what brain do you have? I?

you definitely go somewhere else you definitely check out what do you think cam haynes thinks about when he runs just elk i don't know it's a good question let's call him okay and kim hansel answer my question he's the best he's gonna give like an inspiring answer i'm already i want him i want a broken answer out of cam yeah i know i'm getting a broken cameron haynes i know i'm like all the i left on the table or something like yeah that'd be

That's what we want to hear. FaceTime Cam Haines. How many men do you think FaceTime him? He's probably on a run right now. He just released a new shoe that is my favorite shoe I've ever put on. Really? Yeah, it's got Cam Haines.

Hey, we're doing Two Bears, One Cave. What's up, Cam? Hey, Tom. How you doing, man? Hey, we're talking running right now. I got to give a shout out to your shoes. Real quick, can you tell everyone to get them? Because I'll tell you what I love and I hate about your shoes, okay? You can't slide them off your foot when you're done working out because of the locks. But that's what I love about your shoes is your foot is fucking in there.

They stay put, don't they? They stay fucking put. You got to send Tommy a pair. Please. I will. What size are you, Tom? Ten and a half. That's a power size. That's like big dick energy size. There you go. You should see what I'm packing. Hey, Cam, we're talking about running. First question, what do you think about when you run? Yeah, what's going on in your mind for real when you're on, you know, one of your casual afternoon 20-mile runs? Well, I mean...

This is guaranteed every time I put on Two Bears, One Cave podcast. I just feel like a superhero. It's crazy. You guys, your voices are... Wait, do you feel like a superhero because you're like, I'm not like these two fucking slobs? Ha ha ha!

I don't know. You know, I just love getting out. I like the fresh air. I like when mud splashes up. I just like being on the mountains. So, like, okay, I think I asked you this once and you told me, because I've heard this from other, like, real runners. Hardest mile for people that run really like you do is mile one, right? Yeah. But does your mind go into it? Because you don't have the problem of, like, oh, you know, this is hard. I got to...

Like it's, you're in incredible shape, but does your mind, do you get into like a meditative state or do you actually like focus in on something or is it almost like there's nothing, you know what I mean? Like kind of nothing's going on.

you know, you know, the older I get, it's more than just that mile. The mile, first mile is rough when you first start when you're young. Now it's like the first few miles, my body's kind of stiff. But once I get going and get the juices flowing, so to speak, and you can just run and, you know, some days you feel great. Some days it's a struggle the whole time. But when you can get in that groove and run and you feel strong, there's no greater feeling. And that's, I mean, that's a fleeting feeling, but

That's kind of why you keep going. Cause you're like, you remember that one special run and you don't, it doesn't happen every time, but, uh, did you, if someone real quick takes out and doesn't edit and, and changes the word running to drinking, I feel the same fucking way.

Sometimes that first drink's tough to get down. But man, by that third drink, you're like, I know this guy. I could do this all fucking day long. Do you have a hard time putting it down? That's a great life lesson right there. It's like, if you don't want to drink, you just got to keep powering through. There you go. Did you run yesterday?

Of course. Yeah, I did. I, uh, that was the one I put up on the, I talked to my wife into like, Hey, I'm going to jump over you. And I jumped on this monument and then I landed on her head. Nice. Well, she'll remember that we did get the run in. How far did you run yesterday? God, I didn't even look, but I would say I did. I did two summits, uh,

like probably 10 miles with 2000 foot gain summits on the mountain I run. Oh, we did. Oh, we had a similar day. Okay. We do a two bears 5k. Would you come out and be a part of it? Do you still do your thing?

Yeah, I mean, sometimes I have get-togethers and we do a run, and I had one here last summer, like a lift-run-shoot event. But no, I would be there. I'd love to participate. Yeah, you could do our 5K, and then you could go on a real run. It would be fun. Hey, three miles is a win. I mean, for anybody. That's a good day. All right. I love it. We would love for you to take Tom and I bowhunting.

Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's get, you know, I'm going to, I got Huberman a bow and he doesn't, he lived down there by you guys. I mean, I know you and him are brothers, right, Tom? We're cousins. He has multiple homes. You know, that podcast does pretty well. Yeah. So, but anyway, I'm going to come down there and shoot with him. I could bring you guys bows and we could just make it a big, big bow hunting orgy. All right, let's do it. I am deadly with a bow, Cam.

I'm sure. I mean, that goes without saying. Yeah. We need someone to carry our meat out, but if you can bring your sons and they'll pack our meat, that sounds weird. Whatever we can.

Whatever we kill, we just hand over to your boys and we're like, all right, guys, you're young. You carry it out. Like, we'll just do that. Yeah. No, we, we, we love, you know, working and getting the kills out of the woods. So that'd be great. We would love to do a run, shoot, kill, uh, episode, uh, with you, me and Tom, but I want your boys there too. I want to do pull-ups. I want to do everything. All right. Let's make it happen. We'll make it a full event. Hey, real quick. Tell everyone where they can get your shoes. Cause I really do love your shoes.

Oh, there it, yeah. So there's a link. You gave a little shout out to me that I should have a link and I didn't on my Instagram, but there is a link on my Instagram now, but it's just speedland.com. That's awesome. I can't wait to try these shoes out. And thank you for answering Bert's super aggressive FaceTime to people at fucking like nine in the morning. Hey. No, it was good. I was like, I saw the FaceTime coming in. I'm like, holy shit, Bert's calling me. This is pretty exciting.

exciting so uh legends answer legends yeah yeah i will need your address tom unless i could just put segura california you know make it to you yeah no i don't uh i'll i'll text you my uh my address hey how fast do you run a mile cam oh yeah yeah mile time what's your one mile like if you were just running one what if you if you wanted to throw up a good time for a mile what do you think you could bang out a mile loose in in shape like what do you think you'd bang out a mile in

Yeah, not fat and sloppy like you are now. Like if you were in shape, like what could you? Well, let's see. I mean, anything close to like a five minute mile was fast. I mean, a few years ago I did, I think a 5.13, which is weird because I've also done a 10K where I can hold like a 5.42 pace for six miles. So it's like that's,

I'm not that fast, like a four-minute mile or anything like that, but I can sustain a decent pace for a while. Oh, I just had a brilliant idea. We're putting together the perfect running event for two bears, and I'm going to hit you up. I'd love for you to be a part of it. Tom's going to do a 5K. I'm going to do a half marathon, and then we should get you to do the marathon. Everyone can go out at different paces with their different heroes. And we'll get Rogan. I'll get Rogan.

Oh, yeah. No, Rogan did a 5K. I think that's the furthest he's ever run. He came down to Vegas and did the Keep Hammering 5K maybe eight years ago. So he's done a 5K himself. All right. Well, we'll get him back out there then. Cam, thank you. I hate to say this. My shoulders are trembling from holding the phone. So...

You got to push through, push through the pain. That's where the gains happen. That's where the gains happen. I'll talk to you later about the benefits of outdoor showering and I'll talk to you later. Okay. Later. I love that it went. I had a holding a fart. My arms are trembling. I couldn't lower the phone. So I'm fucking on a man. Shit your pants. No, I didn't.

Hey, would someone grab me a diet soda? I'm looking for something, a sweet treat. Gotcha. Cam Haines has the brain where you can just shut it off. Yeah, he does. He didn't read comments. He didn't read fucking. No way. He didn't care what anyone thinks about him. No, no, no. That's the beautiful part is you do get to that place where like when I ran the half marathon, my pace for the last six miles was like eight something because I was just like, I want to get this over with.

My heart rate was through the fucking roof. But the best part is the party afterwards. That's what I'm going to focus on. Well, yeah, I think you should be in charge of the party. I'll be in charge of the party. You'll run a 5K. So find out the distances. I think you get a 5K. You don't want to have, by the way, it should just be a...

one distance for this event. For everyone? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay, and we should give prizes? You can, sure. We'll stagger different prizes. Open to the public? Open to the public, yeah. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing about the 5K. We're going to have the Clydesdales edition. The 5K is the most accessible.

It's like your elite people want to do it in like really crazy times. Some people honestly walk a 5K, but it's like doable. You know, it's the one that's like the most fun and accessible. Clydesdale, the Clydesdale division for triathlons. Can you Google Clydesdale division? Clydesdale division. It's for fat guys.

really so when i did when i did oh thank you so much wow when i did the triathlon i walked up and guy goes clydesdale and i went it is a horse also guys and i was like what he goes clydesdale and i was like no i'm just doing the triathlon he goes no for the fat guys clydesdale and i was like i'm not that fat he goes you're clydesdale and i was like i guess anything over divisions what is the clydesdale and triathlon let's see what it is in the drop down yeah

Oh, anyone over 220? We need to have the cardiac arrest division. You can choose to race as a Clydesdale or not. Wow. Yeah, and so that way. I think this fan base is almost all Clydesdales. Dude, that's our whole goal this year. Listen, here's the deal.

Tom and I can work as hard as we want on stand up and present specials and keep doing specials and do movies. We can do that. But if you're not there to buy tickets to that, it is fruitless. Okay. We love you guys and we want you to be healthy. Tom started this journey when he realized he couldn't jump anymore and he blew out his arm and exploded his knee.

And his journey led everyone else on this journey. We always want to bring back Fat Tom. The only way we can do that is for us to get skinnier than him. So we, if we want to bring back Fat Tom, we need to polarize. We need to activate our group.

To get healthy. And it starts with our 5K. We want all the fans to show up. If you guys all go to the 5K, then Tom will be fat, Tom. Yeah. Guys, let's start training. That's our New Year's resolution. There you go. That's our New Year's resolution. This is the fucking greatest show on the earth. Yeah, yeah. That's our New Year's resolution. 5K. 5K. 5K by May. 5K by May.

Let's get ready for it. Let's train for it. Put up your weights right now. I want shirtless, aggressive pictures in your underwear, in front of the mirror. I want to see all the shit that's on your counter. I want to see everything. Post those. Post those and tag me and Tom in them. Tom and I are going to tag our fattest photos. And you guys can help us with those. The one I just showed you? Oh my God. When you were saying you were 250, but we're like, that's a little more. Was it in kilograms? No.

No, that was, how fat is that? That's so fat. You all right? I needed it. You don't want a regular Coke? Uh-uh. Oh. They taste. We get your fattest, and do one of your wife. Fattest photo of her? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get her involved, because if your wife gets healthy, you get healthy. That's the truth. Okay. And so we'll do 5K. We'll do it in May. 5K by May. Everyone can get ready for it. But today's January 1st. Stop what you're doing.

Don't listen to the whole episode. Listen to the ads too. But go to the camera right now and take a picture of yourself. And trust me when I say this. Eat as much as you want before you take this picture. You want the fattest picture of you before you lose weight. Because one day you'll lose weight and you'll wish you had a disgusting picture of you to post. That's true. It's the truth. Get as fat as you fucking eat like a lunatic today. Go hard as fuck.

and take those photos. I want to see your tits. Get bagels right now. Get bagels right now. Start drinking. Start drinking. Cream cheese. Oh. Bacon. Fuck. You need a breakfast sandwich. You're making me salivate. A bagel with cream cheese, a fried egg, and bacon, and then the yolk pops and is drizzling all over it. Let me tell you what you should do.

I'm looking at these May dates. We can put this in May. Let's do it. Let's do a 5K in May. Two Bears, 5K in May all day, every day. We need a slogan that people can shout out as they run. Dude. And let's activate our fans to get healthier.

We've been on a journey. Let's share it. And listen, slide in our DMs. We'll hit you up. We'll keep you motivated. It's the best thing. And share it on social media. There's nothing more fun than watching someone's journey. And I know that they probably make you crazy, but have you ever seen like the really fat chicks who like, they're like, this is me. And then you're like, this isn't going to happen. And then all of a sudden she's a fucking dime. That happens all the time online.

All right. And then are you going to set a goal? I'm setting a goal. I'm setting a goal. Goal time. I'm setting a goal time. All right. Let's, let's be irrational. That's what you're best at. Yup. So, uh, five was type in what the average 5k time is. Our wives are going to run it. Your kids will smoke it. Your kids will fly through a 5k.

Kids actually do. I ran with kids. Oh, did you really? They fly. They have no pain? My nephew and my friend's son, they're like 10, 11. They flew through the thing. Okay, here we go. 40, let's go mine, 45. 45, beginner, 34. Novice, 28. Intermediate, 24. Scroll back up so I can see what the titles are. Advanced, 21. Elite, 22.

19, world record 14. Fucking A. So, Bert, you're 50. So intermediate would be 20, what is that, five? - 26. - 25, 36. - 25, 36. Advanced would be 22. - All right, so let's do this. I gotta beat intermediate. - Intermediate is a good goal. - What's 25 divided by three? Oh, it's like eight minute miles. - Yeah.

8 minute 33 seconds. I can do it. You can do it? Yeah, I can do it. All right, I can do it. I'm going to run sub 25 minute. Fuck, that's hard. That's hard. How about sub 26? Yeah, that's... I'm going to run a sub 26 5K. I'm going to run sub 26 5K. And then what are you going to run? Go back to the thing. Dude, we can get Michelle Wolf out here. So my intermediate would be 24 minutes.

- 38, so that's eight. - Whoa. That's really fast, Tom. - That's eight and change, though. Same, basically, same. - Okay. - Jesus. I mean, you can train, that's the thing, is you have fucking five months to train. You could get as, you know, if you actually put the training in, you can do it. - Yeah, yeah, we can train for this. It's gonna be great, we're gonna have so much fun, and think of the party afterwards. I can throw a fucking party. I can throw a fucking party. - What city are we gonna do this in? - We should do it downhill.

Where are most of our fans? Should we go to them and organize it there? Or should we have them come to here? You could pick any city and do this. You could probably do it here. Downtown, they would close stuff off. Yeah, but it's kind of hilly here. Downtown's flat. You want it to be flat, dude. All right, we'll figure out a place. But there's a lot that goes into this. Like what? Fucking organizing. Well, we're not going to be in charge of that part. Yeah, we are. No, we will. Oh, we'll just pick a 5K. No, no, I'm saying like...

We can work with somebody to be like, okay, you make this happen. We're not going to be making the phone calls to organize it. Yeah, we'll work with someone to make it happen. We'll have it in. Tom and I are going to run sub-26 5Ks. Yeah, that'd be the goal. Tom and I are going to run sub-26 5K. For every second we don't get over 5K or over 26. So anything over 26? We got to donate $1,000. Okay. I know, but that's going to make you run a fucking 23. Yeah.

You're going to be like, fuck these charities. I ran a 20. They give me money. Let's see if we can get Michelle Wolfe to do it. You think she'll do it? Fuck yeah. This is so insane. It's an aggressive FaceTime. It's so aggressive. It's really such an aggressive move. No answer from Michelle Wolfe. Guess it's time to trash her online, everybody. Who else besides her, though? There's got to be a couple other. Who else is a runner in comedy? Anybody else do that? Eddie Izzard.

or is i think kristen is her or i thought chris and shaw christian shaw's a runner she's funny talking running on two bears facetime me is that michelle yeah yeah she's like the are you facetiming me for i just want to let you know i'm at 19 right now currently i think she's at 1992 miles oh i thought you're about 19 minutes for the five guys like oh my god no um michelle wolf baby

Yeah. What's that? What if I was running right now? Hey, I'm sitting here with Tommy. Hi, Michelle. Good. How you doing? Hey, great job. Great job on the daily show. Thanks. Thanks. Fantastic new special, Michelle. Thank you. Are you guys, what's going on? We're talking running. Where are you right now?

I'm in Europe. I just got to Europe. Oh, you're going through customs? You what? Nothing. I'm just on the street. ¿Y cómo le va todo? ¿Anda bien ahí por ahí? ¡Joder! ¡Coño! Sí, mi español es muy mal. Mi español...

Hey, would you, Hey, we're, we're doing a two bears 5k in may. And we want you to be a part of it. Cam Haynes is going to do it. Tom and I are going to rub sun run sub 26 minute five Ks. And we want you to be a part of it. What do you think you can run a 5k in? Oh my gosh. Um,

I think I could do like 24, 25. Great. Nice. Nice. Perfect. Anytime that any of us get over that amount, we donate a hundred grand to a charity. You're cool. You're in, right? I think you guys make more money than me. No, but we would love for you to do it. We would love for you to do it. Do you think you could be in the States in May?

We don't know where we're going to do it yet. We're probably trying to pick the city. We're just organizing it now, but we're trying to activate people for New Year's to get ready for a 5K.

I love that. Are you in Jerusalem? I'm a long runner. I'm not a fast runner. But I could get my shit together for a 5K. Fuck yes. Hey, congratulations on everything. Congrats, Michelle. Thanks. I'm still trying to get back into running post-baby. You see a lot more. Everyone should know that. I shit my pants a lot.

Oh, you know what? We're all struggling in our own ways. Well, go enjoy Europe. Enjoy Zanzibar, wherever the fuck you are. You should line the whole route with a port-a-potty. We're going to have a big party afterwards. We're going to get fucking wasted afterwards.

Right. That sounds awesome. I miss you guys. I can't, I can't wait for this. I'm I'm I love this idea. Let's do it. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. All right. Love you, Michelle. Take care. Enjoy the baby. All right. Thanks Michelle. Now. Okay. Here's the thing.

This is what we got to think about. Okay. Okay. We just brought in two people that are game because it is their background. So the real thing right now, who can we convert to commit that is not ready for this? Ladies and gentlemen, speed dial. There's got to be somebody who were like, you need this basically. We want to help you. Let's see if they answer. Oh boy. This is not a FaceTime answerer. No? No.

I can't see who it is. Hello. Shane Gillis. What's up, Shane? Hey, we're on Two Bears, One Cave with Tommy. How you doing, man? What's up, guys? What are we staring at? What is this? Oh, shit. You guys are FaceTiming? Yeah. I'm in the car. It's so aggressive. It's Bert's favorite move. I like FaceTiming. Can you see me now? No. No. No.

Video camera. I mean, Shane is a fucking boomer. He doesn't know how this works. I'm in my car. It connected to my fucking car. Oh, that's why. That's why. That's why. Well, we just need your voice. Hey, Shane. Tom and I are organizing a 5K for May. No. No. Fucking no chance. That's exactly what we needed, dude. Shane. Shane. Shane.

Please. For every... Shane, Shane, Shane, let's train together for it here. Oh yeah, for sure. Come on. Yeah, what are you fucking talking about? We'll just start with a mile and we'll just progress. For what? Three days a week. You think I'm going to go running three days a week? Yes. Why? Give me your address. I'll come over. Okay.

you're going to come over and we're going to run together. Yeah. For like a mile. It'll be, it'll be fine. It'll be over in six minutes. Okay. But yeah, true. I'll quit. Uh,

Why? What's the point of this? So Michelle Wolfson, Cam Haynes is in. Tom and I are activating our fans, so we're all going to get healthy this year, and we're going to run a 5K in May. You've got plenty of time to train, and Tom and I are setting records for ourselves. And there's a beer drinking contest at the end. And there's a huge party at the end. We're throwing a huge party at the end. It's going to be fucking wild. We're FaceTiming Rogan in a second. You know he's doing it. And Bert said you were a bitch who can't really drink that much, and I was like, let's see what he says. What?

I look. Yeah. Yeah. You guys, I'm definitely in Shane. Shane, commit to it. At least listen, commit to it. And I'm telling you, it'll be so fucking fun. We'll have a fucking blast. You can walk and talk to all the fat chicks and then, and then get done and we'll have a fucking huge party at the end. Yeah. Shane, just say yes. Just say yes. Yes. You're in.

Yes. Text me your address. All right. Shane Gillis is in, everybody. I mean, there's no shot, but all right. Yeah, have fun, boys. All right, Shane Gillis. We've got a soft commit from Shane Gillis. Shane's in, everybody. All right. We love you, Shane. I'll talk to you later. I love you. Love you guys. All right, we've got Shane Gillis in. That's such a not commit. Dude, he'll be in.

We get, it's going to be a huge fucking event. And everyone, you get to meet your favorite comics. You get to run next to them, ask Shane all the questions you want to ask him. You get to beat them. We're going to sell shirts saying, I beat Shane Gillis in a 5K. There, it's happening. It's happening. We're going to say, I beat Tom Segura's shirts. I beat Bert Kreisler's shirts. I beat Shane Gillis. And then there's going to be Cam Hain whooped my ass. Does Norman run?

- He seems like, I know he does push-ups and pull-ups everyday like a lunatic. - He's sneaky. You know what he did backstage one time? It was me and a bunch of pro athletes. - He told me his thing and I was like, "What the fuck?" He said he knocks out, does he do like 50 pull-ups in a row? - Yeah, and he does push-ups. Like on Fully Loaded, he does push-ups where his feet are on the cooler. Like he'll do push-ups, he doesn't get off his hands, throw his feet on the cooler and start going knees to elbow doing those.

It's impressive. But does he run? We're about to find out. We should have more technology than just this. I think we could probably set this up if you gave us a heads up. Right? What's the beauty of this show?

Love that right now fans are going I'm fucking doing it. There is Mark Norman everybody you're on two bears one cave Praise Allah, what's up you homo? Hey, we're organizing an event this May we're doing a 5k Shane Gillis is in Michelle wolf is in cam Haynes is in and Tom and I are doing it There's gonna be a huge party afterwards. We want to know do we have a hard commit for Mark Norman? I

Wait a minute. Shane Gillis is going to run? I'll be honest. It was a bit of a hard sell, but he gave us a half-assed commit. But we figured, well, Norman, he takes care of himself. Yeah. How many push-ups can you do in a row?

Hey, I got about 88. Yeah, I'm in. Why the hell not? But I'll only do it if Tim Dillon does it. I want to see that homo jog. All right. Tim, we got to call Tim. We got to call Tim Dillon. Okay. All right, you're in? Will you do it, Mark? I'm in, baby. Okay, he's in. He's in. We got a hard commit. All right, Mark. I love you. I'll talk to you later. Tim is going to be like, go fuck yourself. Should I call him? You call him. Okay. FaceTime.

FaceTime be a hell answer your face time. I'll think it's an emergency actually Tim Dillon Mark Norman Shane Gillis cam Hayes Michelle wolf Chances are he's not awake I'll buy another house for a habitat humanity peas in the gym

No, no, no, no. I was just joking. Should I FaceTime him? FaceTime him. That's how you do it. By the way, this is so uncomfortable for me. Just FaceTime him and face it to me. This will turn him on. He's definitely answering your FaceTime. I don't think so. Yeah, he will. You're a different FaceTime than me. My FaceTime's like, oh, fuck. He's still up. I got to hammer him with the FaceTime if he doesn't answer. He's not going to answer. He thinks it's an ass dial from you. Don't worry. Tim Dillon on speed dial. All right. Steakhouse.

Beefsteak Tim. Beefsteak? That's what you have them saved as? Yeah. Which new number do you have? Should we get Potter? Let's call Potter. Putting another's in. Maybe I gotta get off sins before I start running. Why? I ran with one in. Oh, for real? Yeah. Tim Dillon, it's Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura. We're on Two Bears, One Cave. Hi, guys. How are you? We are fantastic. Hey, what the fuck, man?

I just called you. Oh, I didn't see that you called me. My phone's in my pocket. I'm sorry. I would have picked up. I thought you would have picked up mine over fucking Bert's. I would have picked up both of yours. Anytime I see a white successful person, I'm on that green. Hey, Bert has a question for you. Hey, Tim. Hey, Tim. Tom and I are organizing a 5k in May.

We have Shane Gillis in. Mark Norman in. Michelle Wolfe in. Cam Haines in. Tom and I are doing it, and we're setting a pace at 26 minutes for us. Every second we go over, we're donating 1,000. I'll do it. I'll do it. We have till May? Yes. We have till May, Tim. Yeah. I'll do it. Fuck yes. Tim. Tim Dillon's in, baby. Tim, you start. What is this for? Is this a benefit or something? Yeah.

Yeah, sure. So, uh, it's three... Start three days a week. Just start. Start walking, then you pace it up. Yeah. But it'll be in May. We haven't picked a city yet. We'll pick a good city, and then we're gonna throw a big party at the end. Yeah, I'll do it. Yeah, baby! Tim Dillon's in! It's fucking in! Tim Dillon's in. Tim, you are the fucking goat. You are the best. I'll do it.

For sure. Hey. All right, guys. Thank you very much. Hey. Thank you so much. So nice. Hey, I'm in town next week. I want to go have steaks. Let's go. Let me know. Okay. I love you, Tim. All right, brother. All right. All right. Fucking hey. Who else do we want? Who else do we want, Tommy? Who else do we want? I mean, the sky's the fucking limit. Yeah. That's true. Everyone, everyone that we've asked has committed. You know who could...

Also, big guy could use a motivation like this. Fluffy? Fluffy. Stavi? Stavi. Stavi's in. Stavi's in. I think so. See if he answers your FaceTime. I actually don't think he will.

If that's how he's got a new special out on Netflix, everybody, Stavi. Stavi's in. You know Stavi's in. I think everybody that I FaceTime is like, there's no way this is a real FaceTime. You know Stavi's in. God damn it. This is going to be so much fucking fun. Take your fat pictures now. Take them right now. Eat like a fucking lunatic. By the way, when he doesn't answer, you call him right back and he's going to answer. I got another one. All right. Well, FaceTime Stavi. Okay. Come on, Stavi. Stavi, baby. Stavi, baby.

And you know, this is just us preliminary calling people imagine when we go deep This is gonna be the funnest fucking 5k anyone's ever been to what if we change 5ks? What if this is our new our new future? We just put on 5ks. We don't do stand-up shows What if we can what if we we might as well do a stand-up show that night? We've got the best comics in the fucking world. Actually, that's Yeah

Here's I don't think he's gonna answer. Oh, I know he's not up but look doing two bears with Tom FaceTime me look It's not even worth face timing right like he's not gonna answer should I do it anyway? Yeah, there's no there's 0% chance 0.0% 0% chance, but it's just this way he'll see he'll be like the fuck you just kind of invite him sometimes guys stop he's coming back hang up on the

Staros! What's up, fellas? What's up, buddy? I'm on the plane. Oh, he's on a plane. We're on Two Bears, One Cave. Hey, listen. Oh, hell yeah. I know you. I know you better than anyone knows you, Stavi. I know you intimately. I don't even have to ask this question, but I'm going to ask for formality. Okay. In May, Tom and I are putting on a 5K. Okay.

Tim Dillon, Tim Dillon, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Cam Haynes, and Michelle Wolfe are all committed. Stavros, do we have a firm commit for you to start training right now for a 5K in May? No.

I don't know about right now. A couple weeks? Yeah, yeah. But it's in May. It's in May. It's in May. It's in May, Stav. You have time to get ready for it. You know what? This is good. This is good because I was telling Tom, too, when I was in that chair,

I want to get back in the zone. I'm going to be healthy, so fuck it. I'm in. Yeah, baby! Stobby's in! I knew it. I fucking knew it. Stobby, we're going to throw a huge fucking party afterwards. It's going to be a fucking blast. I'm so glad you... I knew I could believe in you. This is why you are the best comic in the country. Congrats on the new special, Stobby. Congrats on the special, Stobby.

He's cutting out. It could be on Something's Burning. Yes. But I'm going to fucking leave LA by the time you're back. But I'm in. I can't wait. All right. Fuck yeah. Stavros is in. Stavros. All right. Have a safe flight. I love you. Love you too, guys. All right. See you, bro. Fuck yeah. This is a fucking banger's list. This is good. This is a banger's list. This guy. There's no way. Should I try it again? Try it again. I mean, here's the thing. It's not even registering on his... And also...

Is there any chance to convince him? He's going to be the hardest no of all. If you can get it to be a video game that he played? Yeah, right now it's 9.50. There's not a chance in hell. No. I bet his phone's not even in his room. He's in REM sleep right now. He just went to bed. Yeah, like an hour ago. Yeah, there's just no point. Why doesn't anyone want to answer your FaceTime calls? I don't know.

Ask the staff. I would answer your FaceTime, Tom. Thank you. Yeah, he pays you. You have to answer his FaceTime. No, he doesn't. It's true, but I would even if he didn't. It would be a scary cult, yeah. It would be. I would think I was getting fired, but I didn't. I mean, we've got the biggest names in comedy...

And the biggest people to follow online that would be fun watching them train for the 5K. All taggable. Tag everyone we've mentioned when you post your before picture right now. By the way, you know what Christina would say if I asked her to do this? Oh, fuck off. Liam would say the same thing. I don't run. I don't run. I'd run when I was a little girl. I ain't running no more. Yeah. I don't take cold showers. I don't sleep with snakes. And I don't run.

Who else? Who else? I know there's got to be someone we're forgetting. Someone who this, we're jump-starting the best year of their lives. Who do you guys think? Are you guys thinking of anyone? We might be blanking. Do you want to call Rogan? Not too much. You FaceTime him. No. My FaceTime's aggressive.

Rogan would be great, but then once you... I mean, listen, as a friend, I want to invite him. But once you invite him, it becomes Joe. Yeah, that's the thing. Meaning, like, I don't want Joe to have to feel, like, the pressure that he has to show up. If Joe shows up, fucking everyone shows up. It puts too much pressure on him. I'll tell you what. We will text him. I want him to be there. Yeah. Because he's... I love Joe. It's better that he's, like, a surprise, though. He's a surprise guest. And... Because if you make it him... If we do it right now, then all of a sudden...

We won't be able to manage this 5K. Like there's no, like right now the names we have are big, but they're not like Rogan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about, we need a black comic. I was about to say the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. You know the big ones, Dave Chappelle? He doesn't want to do a 5K. He smokes like three packs a day. He's in great shape. Okay. Brian Simpson? That's an aggressive FaceTime. That's an aggressive FaceTime. FaceTime Chappelle? Yeah. You're going to FaceTime him? Yeah. I've only talked to him once.

I mean, what's the worst game? I'm going to tell him it's a pocket dial. Why do I have him saved under Dave Chappelle? Go for it. Holy shit. Chappelle, if Chappelle goes, it's going to be fucking huge. And the party's going to be fucking insane. Hey, man. Anybody got a cigarette? He loves Michelle Wolf. Yeah? I don't think he's going to answer my FaceTime. He's probably going, whose fucking number is this? This is a wrong FaceTime. He's probably just like, somebody give me a new phone. What?

I should have told him I'm a FaceTimer first. Yeah. And that you're on a podcast doing it. Hang up, dude. Oh, yeah. This is a bad idea. This is a bad idea. And I'm on a podcast. Hey, Dave, you're just a spokesman of a generation. Can you real quick hop on our podcast? He's not going to like that. That was a big mistake. All right. That was a big mistake. All right. Simpson. Do Chris Rock. Do Chris Rock. No way. I did Dave Chappelle. Do Chris Rock. I did Dave Chappelle. Do Chris Rock. Do Chris Rock. I did Dave Chappelle. Do Chris Rock. All right.

No, he would fucking hate that. Do Chris Rock. No, he would hate that. Do Chris Rock. Fucking, I'll give me the FaceTime. No way, dude. Give me his number. I'll FaceTime him. Mm-mm.

No. Too much respect. No, fuck off. I just did Dave Chappelle. You have to do Chris Rock right now. It was a huge mistake. You have to do Chris Rock. I just did Dave Chappelle. It was a huge mistake that you did that. I know. Do Chris Rock. Do Chris Rock. Everyone watching this is going, Tom, do Chris Rock. Tom, you all, your failures. Can I tell you something? Okay. First of all, it would end my relationship. Why? Would you care? Do you talk to him? No, I don't want him to like fucking...

No. Okay. Chris Rock's no longer your buddy. What happens to your life? I mean. You still have me. Do you have Kevin Hart's number? If you have Kevin Hart's number, you have to FaceTime him right now. Or give me his number and I'll FaceTime him. Here's the thing. I'll FaceTime Kevin Hart right now. No, no. That would be, that's a fun one to do it for. I don't have Kevin Hart's number. Bullshit, you don't have Kevin Hart's number. Bull fucking shit. I don't have Kevin Hart's number. Bullshit, give me Kevin Hart's number.

Get me Kevin Hart's number. I know who has it. Who? Okay, let me ask. Oh, here. For sure, this guy has it. Kevin Hart's in. Kevin Hart's a runner, too. If Dave Chappelle FaceTimes me back, I'm going to fucking shit my pants. God, I thought that was my phone. Let's just see if we can get it. Okay. I'll FaceTime Kevin Hart. I don't care. Okay. I'll do it if we can get it. I think that this person's also going to be like, are you crazy?

No one's answering my FaceTimes. Yeah, what the fuck, dude? You need to reassess. Oh, here we go. Hey, what's up, man? God, you look sharp. We're on Two Bears, One Cave right now. Who is it? Asian Jeans. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Hey, so we're organizing a 5K in May.

Okay. Yeah, let's talk about it. Yeah, so we have some great commitments right now. Michelle Wolfe is in. Tim Dillon is in. Mark Norman's in. Who else? Shane Gillis. Stavros. Stavros. And we were wondering, do you think it's a good idea? No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't ask him. You tell him. Okay. We need to call, because we know that he loves running and everything, Kevin Hart.

no no no no no it's one step further okay what is it can we get kevin hart's number can we get his number i can get you kevin hart's number yes oh see okay awesome okay great um you go ahead and uh text it over ask the pentagon and then if you don't mind sending it over um you know we would appreciate it is that cool do you want to participate would you like to run the 5k

Yeah, I want to run the 5K. All right. Agents are in. Agents are in. We haven't picked a city yet, but we're going to have a big party afterwards. It'll be a fun time. I'm in. Okay. All right. Please send over Kevin Hart's number when you get a chance. I will. Okay. We have to FaceTime Louie now. We have to FaceTime Louie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Thanks, buddy. Bye, guys. Bye. You want me to FaceTime Louie? Sure. Actually, he runs. He likes to run. I also feel like you should text him first. Nope. How do you spell Louie? It's not Louie Anderson.

Louis CK. That's a deep breath. A little bit of panic in that. Fuck it. It's just Louis. He is a person. Yeah. He's a person. What are the odds he answers a FaceTime? I think he would answer if you texted him. No. Okay. That's not how a FaceTime. Well, he sent it to voicemail. Yeah. He sent that to voicemail. Do you want to text him now? Yeah. Okay. Hey brother, I'm doing a podcast with Tom. FaceTime me if you have a chance. That's not happening.

He's going to be like, what? It's like, here's the thing. It's like, I think when I was younger, I mean this with respect, it would have been a scarier thing to do. But I know Louie. Like I know him enough that we'll see if this text comes back. I know him enough to not to let, he knows that I'm the kind of guy that FaceTimes. He's probably with his kids or something, doing something like a real person does.

Can I tell you the big upside of this whole thing? Please. This is a great way to start the new year for everybody. This is a goal. It's a goal. Everybody listening or watching, you can think about the fact that we're going to do this in May. In May. 5K in May. All day. This is going to be fucking huge. By the way, we have soft commits from Chappelle and Louie. Did you get Kevin Hart's number? Not yet. I'm waiting. We have a few minutes.

Louis's radio silence. I'm watching, waiting for that bubble to come up with the dot, dot, dot. I don't think he's into this. You don't think Louis would be into this? I think he would into it. I don't think he's into like... FaceTiming out of nowhere? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's very much like he's probably like... Yeah, but he does... I think he's FaceTimed me out of nowhere. Really? Yeah. FaceTime. I don't know. He FaceTimed you?

Every time I've talked to him, he texts me first. Oh, you're right. You're right. Do you have a text? Yeah. Do you have a minute to talk? Mm hmm. FaceTime and then texted him. That's exactly what I suggested. Yeah. I should have done that first. And then also you're like, hit me back on FaceTime if you have a second. It's like, he's probably like, what the fuck are you talking about? Lou, you'll be a legend if you FaceTime me, right? Well, you're already a legend. Yeah. I guess you don't need this to make, to cement your.

place in comedy history. That's the guy that called in to Two Bears, One Cave on a FaceTime. Wow. That's Louis C.K. Legendary. Did you get Kevin Hart's number? You just asked me. No. What the fuck's he doing? He's dragging ass. He's probably asking right now. He's probably asking somebody else, do you think Kevin will get very mad if I send this text? No FaceTime from Louis. No. I suspect that there's no FaceTime coming in. He's changed.

He's not like us anymore. He's big time. All right. So we FaceTime Chappelle. We FaceTime Louie. We're waiting on Hart. Someone terrified of Chris Rock. I bet Chris Rock would do it. Actually, I take that back. I don't think he would. He didn't seem like a runner. I don't think so. Well, we got a great list already. Yeah. And especially if we put it on a stand-up show, Kevin and those guys kind of make it a little more difficult because they're going to be like, hey, I can't. I got one. What? Bargatze?

I'm gonna FaceTime him you can FaceTime him he might also be like I should definitely put on glasses he seems like he takes care of himself no no no no he's like uh I don't think he's he plays golf I know that I think that's it that's it I don't think he well you can always find out oh are you gonna tell him that Chappelle and Harder in yeah hey man Chappelle and Harder doing this thing with us

Nate Bargossi's got to be on the golf course right now. For sure. With Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon. Oh, we should get them. Oh, let's hope he's with his fucking, fucking... He said he's at an abortion protest. God damn it. What about Machine Gun Kelly? I bet we get him. I don't have his number. Really? But if I had him, I'd FaceTime him. I thought he reached out to you. Yeah. You know how that works. Yeah. Oh, through somebody else? Yeah. Secret time. I'm not the guy that FaceTimes or that...

No word from Louis CK. Oh, well. It can't be worse than when I met him. When you met? Louis. Oh, yeah, yeah. He didn't like me then. He started to like me. I think he liked me to get to you. I think he likes you better than he likes me. You should FaceTime Louis. No, I think we already established. Do we have Kevin Hart's number? Kevin Hart is our white whale. Okay, hold on, hold on. His schedule's probably... Probably on with that Kev Hart thing.

The best part is the next time I run into Louis or Chappelle, I'll be wasted. And I'll be like, I'm just going to ask to aisle. Well, not with Louis. Now, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Can I ask you this? Let's say this Kevin Hart number comes in right now. Okay. Let's think about this. Okay. Just a FaceTime could go that way. Do I text him first? Hey, Kev. It's Tom Segura. I'm sitting with Burt Kreischer. We're doing this thing. Can I FaceTime? I think...

This might be the way we, I think there's a higher probability. I think we learned the rough way that just FaceTiming these celebrities isn't the best way to go about it. Cause they're just going to be like, I mean, I don't, you're different, but most people, if you see a FaceTime coming in for, if you don't know him, you just, you don't answer that. If you don't know the number, you don't answer it. You might. I would. That's what I just said. I want to see who it is. It's like a present where you're like, Oh sweet. I wonder who this is from. Oh, I got it.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Burt Kreischer, this is Tom Segura, and we are FaceTiming Kevin Hart. Okay, text first. Texting him first. Okay. Let's work on this text. Let's work on it. Hey, Kev. Kev? You're going Kev? Kev, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean, he's a brother. Yo, hey, Big Kev. What's up, Big Kev? What's up? What? Cuz. Go, hey, what's up, cuz? What it do? What it do, Kev? What it do, Kev? This is Tom Segura. I'm with... Burt.

Do you want to use Bert or do you want to use a different name? Just go Bert. Okay. Then I know the guy. Bert. What if he forgot who I am? Yeah, put Kreischer. I'm with Bert Kreischer and we're doing. We're doing a podcast. We're doing a podcast. And should I say what we're doing? Like, because he loves to run. He's a super active dude. Yeah. Should I say we're podcast and we're organizing a 5K. Can I FaceTime him? I don't know. I mean, I feel like we're giving him all the information to say no to.

We're doing a podcast. Can I FaceTime you? Fuck, man. It sounds aggressive. It does. Tell him you just got out of the shower. Hey, Kev. Okay, let's just say it like I was going to say it to you right now, okay? Hey, Kev, it's Per Chrysler and Tom Segura. We're doing a podcast, and we'd love to FaceTime you real quick. We're doing a podcast. All right, I'll just... This will be the end of my relationship with him, but yeah, cool? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, and we'd love to FaceTime you real quick? Yeah. Prove you're not a bitch.

Come on, Kev. Come on, Kev. Loop me in on my text. And we'd love to FaceTime you. Real quick. Nothing crazy. What's the vote from the booth? Does that work? I think it's pretty solid. Nothing crazy. Is that? What do you think? What's the wording again? What it do, little Kev? Hey, Kev, this is Tom Segura. I'm with Burt Kreischer. We're doing a podcast. We'd love to FaceTime you real quick. Straight to the point? Yeah, that sounds... Straight to the point. I love it. I love it. You can't deny that.

Why no reaction? Well, I mean, that's two or three. That's all you need. What is your thinking? I think two or three is good. It's majority. I think, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on. You speak his language. How would you like it written? I don't know. I think I'm more in line with your thoughts. They're like, man, I really don't want to burn. You know, I don't want to. Yeah, yeah. There is the angle of this. What? I overthink shit, so they're probably right. There is the angle of this. Hey, Kev.

It's Dwayne. New phone. FaceTime me real quick. Is D-Way? No, Dwayne the Rock. I was thinking of just like another athlete. Just don't overthink it. Just send it. Just send that one? Just send it. All right. Speaking of Dwayne, what about Dwayne? No. You can't bring the Rocks in. It's about the Rock. What about Kevin Hart? Kevin Hart. Yeah, but we're already knee deep in this.

All right, I'm sending it. Just hit send. All right, this is the end. I'll never talk to Kevin Hart again. All right. I sent. I sent it. Sent, sent. Come on. You should write back, FYI, you win me $10,000 if you FaceTime me. You might do it like that. Oh, come on, Kevin. Oh, come on. Also, I have the new Audemars Piguet Royal Oak that Travis put out. Would you like it? What? Nothing. Nothing? Okay. Something he likes. Oh, this is crazy. Is this what it's like texting chicks? I think so.

Oh, that's terrifying. I know. This is terrifying. Actually, that was more nerve-wracking than texting a chick. I'm so glad I'm out of the game. Show everyone you're human. What if he just writes, like, fuck you, bitch. What if he's like, don't recognize the names. Yeah, don't know the names, don't care, blocked. We are sitting here enjoying the new Kevin Hart cereal. Is that what you're writing? I don't know. He has fucking like 100 products.

This is the most nerve-wracking. This is what it's like being drunk at two. Louis C.K. just texted me. What'd he say? I can't, my friend. Who's Tom? Oh, Segura. Ladies and gentlemen. What? Louis fucking C.K. Okay. You're a fucking legend, Louis. You're a fucking legend. You're a fucking legend, Louis.

Hey, you're on the podcast with me and Tom right now. What's up, Louie? I wasn't going to call back. I just wrote to you, I can't. Which is a lie. I just don't feel like doing it.

I fucking told you, by the way. I really ran over in my head. Like, why does he say just Tom? Like, I know who that is. I'm like, Tom who? And I realize, oh, fucking Segura, obviously. So now I have to call because I feel terrible. Why am I looking at a light? I can't see. Because the camera wants to see your face. He's showing you to the camera of your face. That's all. Oh. Yeah. Let me see. But then I don't get to see Tom Segura. Hey, what's up?

Dude, do you have AIDS? What happened to you? I actually, I am HIV positive. You're so little. Yeah. That parlays perfectly into our question, Louie. Okay, what's your question? Louie, we know that you're... Let me handle this. Okay. Louie, we're talking about getting in shape. Tom said you're looking good, that you've been running a lot lately. You're active. You like boxing. You like boxing, you like running. I've seen you go on runs. I know you like to box. We are organizing...

a 5k in may and we have a bunch of comics who have committed to doing it we haven't picked our city yet but we want to do a 5k have a party at the end and we would love if you would join us uh i would say um not in a million years not in a million years not even in a million years in the past why why wait wait wait wait even around even around the renaissance

No, I wouldn't do it in the Renaissance. I go a million years back and all you can think of is the Renaissance. That's like a few thousand. I wouldn't. No, I can't. What's that, Louie? I'm 56 years old. It's three miles. I can run three miles. Louie, Louie, we'll fly you private. We'll fly you private. I love that comedians think that flying private is like that's

That's it, man. I'm coming. Actually, we won't. We will send a horse. But do you... But you still run. You're active. Tell me again what it is because the phone kept crackling. It's just three miles. It's three miles.

It's an organized event. A bunch of friends. People come out. We run. We have Stavros, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman. We have Michelle Wolfe. Cameron Haynes is going to do it. Tom and I are doing it. And we're finding, we're reaching out to black people. So it's like, it'll be other people will be there, like diverse, but it'll be. Right. But we, so, but we get, you get a staggered start. Like, wait, like we start like 10 minutes before the black people are.

yeah yeah of course no there's they have a whole different starting line but thank you thank you thank you just like with white privilege so this is so this is watch bert die yeah louis yes don't you want to be there to watch bert die be it bert's death yes this is

Be a first responder. And you could practice that, your CPR stuff. There's no way you would do the three miles? Well, I'll tell you, I'm very not in good shape. I broke three ribs like three months ago, and I've been letting myself go a little bit because of that. They'll be fully healed by May. This could be a great motivator, Louie, and a soft commit could be the right thing to get you on this journey.

I've got my knees are not in great shape. I haven't been running much lately. I've been walking like a motherfucker. I go on long, like two hour plus hikes with my dog. That's all you need. But the blunt force trauma of running on the knees is a little much for me right now. Shane Gillis is doing it, Louie.

Yeah, but you see, Shane is a very young man, so he has repair. He can hurt his body, which is, by the way, bad for him. That's why he won't quit drinking until it kills him because he is bounce. He is bounce. Yeah, but don't you want to see him die?

I broke my ribs in September and they haven't healed because I'm old. So any damage I do to my body now, I'll carry to the end of my days. Okay. All we need is a soft commit. And then just play it by ear, Louie. Louie, power walk it. When is it? In May. We haven't picked a day in May yet. We can make it very easy for you.

Okay, so I'm going to say that I'm going to tell you I'm going to do it, and then I'm definitely not going to do it. That's all we needed, Louie. That's all we needed. And we're going to tell people that you're in. I will attach myself to that project and promise you and guarantee you that I will not be there. That's why it's going to be so great when you show up. That's cool. You're on the bill. We'll put you on the bill. Yeah, I am not doing that, but it's a great idea.

All right. It's for charity. It's nice to talk to you guys. I'd just like to express that. Tom, it's good to see you. It's good to see you, man. Bill, I mean Bill. Bill.

But you're in to commit to the donation part, right? For the charity? Shut up. Don't say there's no donation. You want my money? No. There's no donation, Louie. We're donating. Just a soft commit. Play it by ear. We'll reach out to you every now and then. See how your journey is. What charity? Yeah. It's just Jews. Just all of them. They get a... We just give them money. So it's like reparations for Jews? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. That's what it is.

It's weird when they do like 10 Ks to raise money because people come up to you and they go, I'm going to do this race. Will you give me money for the charity? And I give them the money. It's like, why are you running though? Nobody needs you to fucking run. You don't need to, for sure. All right. It's a hard pass for me. Soft commit, hard pass? Yeah, those are sort of mean the same thing. Soft commit, hard pass. We'll put a question mark on your name on the flyer.

Yeah. Uh, uh, Bert, um, I, I love you and, and Tom, I love you. I feel real love for both of you guys. I don't know either of you that well, but I, I feel a lot of affection and care. We love you, man. We love you for the last you've given me. And, uh,

And I hope that you think of me in May because I probably won't live that long. But hey, thank you for FaceTiming us back. Yeah, thank you very much. Take care, guys. We enjoy it. Thanks, love you. Thank you. Bye-bye. I mean, could this have gone better? Kevin Hart. No. No. No. You know what he wrote? What? No. Oh, for real? Yeah. He just wrote no? No. He wrote no? No. Right back, please. No. Just do it.

A no is a fucking pretty... He didn't write like nobody? Nope. N-O. Just kidding. He didn't write that. Oh.

You should just try FaceTiming right now. Fuck no. That's how it works. That's how it works. Look, hold on. I rolled the dice on Louie. I know. And you saw the smile. Do you know why you saw the smile? Hold on. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Everyone wants to be included. Everyone wants to feel like they have friends. Everyone wants love. Everyone wants love. Everyone wants love. Can I make another point though? Please. Louie actually knows us.

When he actually saw us, he was like, it's good to see you guys. Kevin Hart would be like, who the fuck and why? Just FaceTime Kevin Hart. FaceTime Kevin Hart. FaceTime Kevin Hart. He's gotten the text. He's gotten the text. He's gotten the text. He has gotten the text. He's gotten the text. And he knows...

The text has the question. I'm actually just being like, is this okay to do? To just do it without a response is insane, and I am not doing that. Fat Tom would have done it. Maybe. My heart is so full with joy right now. It's going to be a good time. CK FaceTimed us. It was fun. And that was fucking great. It was. Give Kevin Hart the chance to be relatable. Get the fuck out of here with that. Give him the chance. Guys. Give me your phone. Give me your phone. Absolutely not. And then you will not be responsible. You will not be responsible. Oh.

Just give me your phone. I'll FaceTime him. I'll FaceTime him. And I'll be like, fuck, I stole Tom's phone. Oh, yeah. Give Bert. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Love you guys. Love you, Bert. Thank you for watching. We cannot wait. Make sure to post those pictures of you and your before. It is New Year's Eve. It is New Year's Day. You. Actually, yes. And then we know what we should do. What? We should. This comes out that day or in the days around this.

post a carousel you know like 100 of your absolute worst photos um you will just see the fattest pictures of me i have i showed you one today that is just but i have multiples that are just horrific and i will send you all of them i'll post all of them i love it yeah i

I love it. This is so fun. This is a great podcast. Don't let us forget that, please, to post those. Gotcha. And by the way, the list of people running this 5K will grow. It's going to grow. It's just going to be the comics you love. We're going to all be out there. It'll be a 5K, very doable for everyone. Start training right now. Start training right now. Just get out there and walk. Just walk 15-minute miles and get your body comfortable. And then we will be doing this in May. We will find the city. We will add comics as they come up.

I wouldn't be shocked if Kevin Hart showed up. Wouldn't be surprised if we had a surprise guest with Joe Rogan. It's going to be fucking epic. If he calls, I promise we will...

If Kevin Hart calls, you will see. Right now, you'll look and they're like, wait, what are the extra five minutes of this show? It's because Kevin Hart called. We will record it and we'll put him in there. But I'm saying if he calls here in the next few minutes, we're out of here. You pull up your phone, start recording me, and then we'll add it to this. I want to thank Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Stavros, Michelle Wolfe,

Cam Haines, Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer. The list is going to get thicker. I hope this is the best year of your life.

I hope we all have a fucking blast. Tops off world tour. Tommy's on tour. Find us on the road. We'll be getting in shape. I love you, Tom. Love you too. See you guys.