2 Bears vs 2 Kelces | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 214
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- Hey New Jersey, Tom Segura here, letting you know that I don't always dress like this. I'm shooting something. I won't wear this when I come to see you. I'm doing shows with Jon Stewart on December 12th and 13th in Montclair, New Jersey at the Wellmont Theater. The first show is at 7:00 p.m. sold out, so we added shows each night at 9:30 p.m. You can get your tickets right now before they sell out and see one of the greatest, most influential, comedic voices of our generation. And also Jon Stewart will be on the shows. See what I did?

Get your tickets at www.tomsagura.com slash tour. How dare you do two bears better than us? We got to show them our fucking strength, Tom. Okay. They need to respect us. I think she beat the shit out of our moms. My mom would be like, I can't find my glasses. My mom would be dead immediately. It's totally fine. It's totally fine. Get a trash can. Get a fucking trash can in here. 100%. Cheers. Cheers.

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on first three-month plan only, speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, 1K. And we're going after the fucking Kelsey brothers. You guys wanted the smoke, you got the fucking smoke. Yeah, yeah. That's right. Fuck yeah, dawg. Just because we're a little older. Barely. Barely? Which one are you going to be? Which one would you be in the two? Which one would I be? The Kelsey brothers.

oh jason no which one's jason no no oh yeah you're jason oh yeah i'm travis yeah yeah i'm definitely travis i'm so much more travis than you are mm-hmm jason just uh hit me up in the dms uh-huh dude huge fan you carry that show just like i carry my show let's see if um if travis hits you up he's in uh singapore

Singapore? I hope when this comes out, him and Taylor Swift are still together. If they got married, would she change her name to Taylor Kelsey? I mean, maybe like privately, you know, like for legal papers, but I'm sure not publicly. It would kind of fuck her career up a little bit. Well, I don't know if it would just be strange. Did you see them shitting on Lady Gaga? Lady Gaga? Lady Gaga. Everyone that went to college with her was like, she was a cunt.

Well, I can see it. Whoa, whoa. If you're a Kelsey brother fan, we're not done with those two motherfuckers. Okay, okay. We're coming after them. What's up? We're coming. You know, it's almost like, imagine if they were watching a video and I was in a Chiefs jersey and you were in an Eagles jersey and we were saying we played football and we were athletes. They're coming after us, Tom. Who's coming? The Kelsey brothers. They are? They're Kelsey brothers. Shit. They're coming after us. I didn't know they were coming after us. Yeah, dude. Aaron Rodgers DM'd me. This is a lie.

What are they coming after us for? They want what we got, buddy. Yeah. We've got to show them our capabilities as broadcasters. Okay. Okay? We need to show them. Look, you know what it's like? That's us right there. Where? The Cincinnati photo.

No, the other one underneath it. We are both Jason. We are both Jason. We are both Jason. I bet we don't have much in common with Travis, like if we hung out. But I bet we could fucking sit with Jason. I bet he looks up to us.

That's quite an assumption. I bet he does. Well, all right. You know, all pro athletes technically look up to us. In which way? That we're older than them? No. Well, that or the age of their parents. How old's Jason Kelsey's mom and Travis Kelsey's mom?

That's true. She is both of their mom. And how fucking fun is her life? All the football practices she had to drive those kids to. All the fights she had to break up in between those two kids. She's 71. Oh, she's my parents' age. Oh, wait, that's awesome. Oh, she's younger than my parents. But all the shit she had to put up with, all the fucking uniforms, the jock straps, the cleats, the messes around the house. Is it just the two Kelsey brothers or do they have a third?

She says the only two children she has are those two, but I don't know. And then box seats. And you know what's also cool? I bet she doesn't even realize how good Taylor Swift is until after she met her and then put a few of her bangers in. Taylor Swift. Okay. Push pause on us attacking the Kelsey brothers. Okay. Taylor Swift is legit. Yeah, she's got something going. She's definitely got something. She should keep it up. Dude, I mean, I'm being serious.

I love to find the thing that no one sees. And then, you know, like pick it apart. Can't find it in her. She seems like a really sweet girl. She really does actually. Okay. Let's have you listened to her music? Uh, I've heard a couple of the hits, but I can't say that I've, I know the catalog. Okay. I'll walk you through the catalog. Okay. She's a big fan of friends.

A lot of her songs are references to friends. A lot of her songs? A lot of her songs are references to friends. Dude, I grew up with two little girls. Taylor Swift was on repeat in our truck. Really? I could sing. I could sing. I bet I could sing a slam in the back door. I could sing a lot of her songs by heart. Man, my boys. Pull up Taylor Swift lyrics. I'm going to sing the song to you. I bet I can go, unlike Drake, when I fucking ruined Drake.

can you believe drake's still a thing he's really a thing they came after him you know that who came after him uh the culture recently why what happened they were a lot of a lot of so big ticket his tour was massive but by the way drake i say i don't know anything about drake so i can't i know i'm i know i'm a fan enough to know that if i run into drake i'll suck his dick

Like if I see Drake, I'm going to be like, dude, you're fucking, you know, I don't even need to know anything about you and I'll suck your dick. That's pretty cool. Yeah. If I know you're famous, I'll just be a fan. Hardcore. Like I'll just be like, I'll fanboy out. Do you do that when you meet? Everyone. So when you meet any celebrity? Any celebrity. Who'd you last meet? What are the last three celebrities you've met? My Rolodex is thick. Um,

Pull up Taylor Swift lyrics. The last celebrity I met, well, I mean, the last one I hung out with was John Stamos. Now, John Stamos did Two Bears. I would say I was a casual John Stamos fan. I mean, I think most people are. Like, you know, you know his body work. Dude, you would think I started the John Stamos fan club when I met him. Really? First of all, he's gorgeous. He's fucking gorgeous. His

His hair is real. He does not diet. He doesn't diet? He doesn't diet. His fucking face is perfect. Everything about him. He had good looking shoes. Sometimes those guys wear dorky shoes. Yeah. Because they're really, I mean, love John Stamos. But really, ultimately, at heart, he's a little bit of a nerd. He's just a really good looking Greek nerd. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't let me know what song it is. You pull up a Taylor Swift song and I will sing it perfectly. Okay. Yeah.

But you'd think like, I just have that thing about me that when I see a celebrity, I don't know, I'm still impressed by it. Do you wait? There's one thing if you're like at a function, an event or a party and they're like, here's someone so-and-so, but do you see celebrities on the street like in LA and, and walk up and go like, Hey, like, do you do that? No, it's just gotta, you gotta be introduced. No, I'm so sorry. I think I misunderstood the question. Yes. Oh yes, you do. Who have you accosted in recent memory? Like who have you gone up to?

Well, I hung out with a bunch of the Bucs. Okay. Baker Mayfield was the last one I accosted. But you would have been kind of introduced in a way, right? Where were they though? I was on the sidelines. He did not know who I was. Okay. I thought he might have. He absolutely didn't. And what'd you do? First thing, I looked at his ass. His ass is awesome. He's got a trunk on it. Ha ha! Ha ha!

Baker Mayfield's ass fucking does it. Really? I bet I could pick him out of an ass lineup. Really? Dude, that's the thing about those fucking powerful athletes is their asses are fucking solid. Yeah. I don't have a Baker Mayfield ass. You know who had the craziest ass? Pat McAfee? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Pat McAfee has like a punter. I mean, come on. Yeah. Yeah. Pat McAfee's that Pat McAfee's taking over ESPN. He wants our smoke too. He can get it. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't we do a college game day? A two bears college game day. Go head to head, do a side stage to the end. And we'll just talk louder. Yeah. I'm sure. Yeah. We could definitely do that. Everyone's coming after Pat McAfee too.

Yeah, they are. The old guard. People were like, this guy's too... He's the most fun thing that's happened to that. Dig your grave, motherfuckers! You're gone! It's McAfee time! And my watch is set to pat! I love that guy. Yeah, he's the best. I love him because, you know, he's got the thing that I don't have, that, like, grounded in reality assessment of skills. And so when you say things to him, like, I could kick a 45-year-old field goal... 45-year-old? I could kick a 45-year-old easier than a 45-year-old hard field goal! Uh...

He's like, you can't do it. You can't do it. I love that energy. How far of a field goal do you think you could kick? Oh, I've tried. At University of Nebraska, I bathed in a 35-yard field goal. I could not get it done. You couldn't do it? How many times did you try? 100. What's the closest? What yardage could you do? Did you try it closer? I could do at the field goal line, at the goal line. At the goal line, I'm almost solid, but...

All that, all that, you watch them and it doesn't look that hard. And then when you see it done, you're like, oh, this is fucking different. That's what I like about Pat McAfee. What I like about him, let's celebrate Pat McAfee before we trash the Kelsey brothers. We're coming after these motherfuckers. Oh, shit. I would like to do, here's what I'd like to do. Wish we had meetings before the show. Go ahead. Why? Nothing. Keep going. I would love, I would, what were we doing? We were talking about- McAfee. McAfee, you were going to celebrate him. Here's what I love about him. Yeah.

He's a fan of the game, right? Like he's a fan of football. He loves it. He's a football fan. That's what makes him so impressive. What puts him a step above but keeps him relatable is that he was a punter.

Yeah. So he was in the locker room. He knew the jargon. He was the fun guy, but he was never the guy that everyone rushed to at the end of the game. No one's like, dude, your punt saved the game. Yeah. So he was an outsider. Like all comics, he was an outsider.

like we were in high school and college always felt like ultimately always felt like you're on the outside looking in, which is what makes a great comic. He was an outsider in the locker room. So he has his insights and then he brings them into the fucking, he brings them into his show.

So you get this insider's knowledge, but with a relief of relatability. You know, like he knows how great these dudes are. A reverence. I won't slam the old guard. I don't even know who the old guard is who's slamming him. But I will say, a lot of them never played the game, or they played the game at a star's level. When you play at a star's level, everything's unrelatable. You start calling people on shit that's really fucking hard to do. McAfee will only call you on shit

that is like, yeah, you should be called on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Shannon Sharp, Hall of Famer. Yeah. Hall of Famer. Great broadcaster. Hall of Famer. Blair McFarlane, Hall of Famer. These are all like Hall of Famers. Yeah.

That's what's approachable about Patty's. He's one of us. He got arrested for fucking jumping into a river drunk. Very drunk, yeah. Fucking love him. Yeah, no, he's the best. He brings enthusiasm and energy and fun into what the broadcasting of college football has. They live in this kind of stale world.

You know, it's very repetitive. It's very redundant. It's the kind of thing where you kind of just know what's going to be said. And like the profile pieces are like, you know, it's the same one they've been doing for a decade. And then you bring a guy on to the show, like into the team that adds this energy and this fun element that makes them like really exciting to watch again. So yeah. And of course he's also...

An insider too, because he's been on the team. He's played the game. Like he knows. By the way, I was, I would argue retired at the top of his, when he was at his height. What he's done is, I mean, I remember when he retired and he did like a joke, uh,

like promo like here's what I'm gonna do and I was like this is very funny but this guy is out of his fucking mind that he thinks like this is gonna work out I thought he was crazy I'm like secret time I thought I was talking to a lunatic as well yeah when I first went to his compound I

I thought, how quickly is he going to run through this punter's salary? Yeah. It was a big compound. And he was like, paired up with Barstool. I was like, this isn't going to last long. It's amazing what he's done. The whole team, they've put together –

It's incredible what they've done. Can I tell you what made him great about then? And I don't even know if then still exists for him. I think right now he's so sports. But what was great about Pat's show when he was just like a podcaster is that he still was a fan. That's what makes him beautiful is that he's a fan of shit. He gets into shit. He digs it. I'd go on and he'd be like, on the podcast, tell me about Rogan. This was before people were doing that. He was in the, tell me about Tom. I want to know about this. He was just...

a fucking fan, and that's why he translates so well. Here's the deal. A lot of those guys aren't fucking fans. It's a paycheck to them. Right. Can I tell you? Bring back Warren Sapp. Such a great broadcaster. Fucking the best. Yeah. The fucking best. He does this thing, and he does a very just thrown-together version of it, which I love. As a football fan, I love. Yeah. Which is he'll put on game tape, right? And he has the rewind...

play pause thing that like that when you're reviewing tape you have it's like it's you know it goes like two steps back and he'll break down what was what how somebody fucked up you know he calls him out he's like i'm just gonna i'm just straight up calling like 61 i don't know what the fuck this is like and he'll you'll but i mean like you're if you're just watching the game you know you might not you might be just following the ball and be like ah whatever and then he shows you

like how this guy's technique was trash. This guy gave zero effort. He's like, what is this shit? And he's just like, I don't even know who this is, but I'm just calling it out. And the way that he breaks it down, you're seeing a Hall of Famer tell you what should have happened. You're like, oh, all of a sudden you go, oh, I'm learning something new.

About the game that I would have missed. Yeah, you know that is fun as shit. That's funny shit Can I tell you I would love to see Randy Moss still playing still he is man I I got into a Randy man or a man II Moss thread right just randomly We just both made sizzle reels right for a thing Yeah, miss sizzle reels my sizzle reel of my comedy and doing it 25 years doesn't hold a candle to

To his highlight reel. To Randy Moss' highlight reel? Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Dude. Do you ever think back? Sometimes I've always wanted to ask him this thing just because I'm a fan. I'll ask him. How crazy it would have been if he didn't pop for weed at FSU. Dude, I'm so- He's on the team photo. Yeah. He's in the team photo because he was there for that. And then they had to boot him because of the fucking stupid-

weed rules so you went to marshall and he made he made like you're watching this and you're like what is this a fucking high school game who did he play with who was his quarterback steve mcnair or someone at where at marshall he had a quarterback who was a gangster too his quarterback got drafted and played too you're uh i don't know you're thinking more clearly than me i can't remember who it was who was the quarterback at marshall

Chad Pennington. You're right, he did play. He played with Chad Pennington, and they fucking both went. He is a fucking real gangster. Yeah. Yeah, Chad was with the Jets. I remember for, was it forever? No, for most of the time, though. I heard an interview where, who's White Chocolate? Jason Williams. Went to high school with Brandy Moss. Yeah. They played basketball together. Can you find that commercial, the Nike commercial? This is one of the coolest commercials that's ever been made. Yeah.

Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero lunchbox, superhero backpack. But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat.

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Randy Moss commercial. Yeah, with Jason Williams. Jason Williams. Type Jason Williams. Dude, Jason Williams. Did you see the interview? God damn it. Look at that. Yeah. That's them as kids, dude. Yeah. Can you imagine how fun these high school games would have been to watch? Look. Look at them. Teammates. He's just like, here you go. Boom. Yep.

Yeah, they're West Virginia boys. Yeah. They both have that crazy drawl when they speak, you know? You can totally... Jason Williams, I just saw an interview with him where he said they was going to play a pickup game with his agent and a bunch of guys. Yeah. Jason Williams, 50 years old. Yeah. And he said, we'll spot you 70. And at one point, he was acing them so bad...

He starting shooting baskets for the other team. I've seen this. It's the most disrespectful thing I've ever heard anybody say. He and his team were up by 86. He said 86 in a basketball game. And so then they start scoring against themselves.

And at a certain point, the guys who they're playing against start to get pissed, obviously, because he's draining. He's like, I'm helping you out. This is what brings me back to the Kelsey brothers. It's fucking wild. We can't do what you do. How dare you do two bears better than us?

How dare you do a better podcast than us? We got to show them our fucking strength, Tom. Okay. They need to respect us. They do. What do we do? How do we take these guys just back to our eye level? Just so they realize. One of us get on a plane to Philly. One of us goes to Kansas City and we just fucking have a real one-on-one, two-on-two. How much bigger is Jason than me? He might have a... Is he what, 6'1"? Let's see. How big is Jason Kelsey?

- 063, okay. Full head of hair. - 063, got the big beard. - Great eyebrows. - How about weight? Let's see if he's got any weight on you. - 282? - Ain't no way Jason Kelsey's 282. - Jason Kelsey, 282. - No, he's more than that. That's a friendly weight. - All right, let's think of a way, a friendly challenge. We'll do it at the Super Bowl. At the Super Bowl. We will both be there. - We'll see you guys in Vegas. - We want both Kelsey brothers head to head. Pickleball? No, too easy.

It's got to be a broadcast challenge. We got to bring, we got to flex our strength. We got to show him our Randy Moss, Jason Williams highlight reel. We need to go. All right, here we go.

I got a better idea. What's that? Oh, no, that's not going to work. Okay. I think Vegas is a good idea. Vegas? Vegas. Kelsey Brothers. Unless you're scared, which I totally get. Yeah, unless you guys are totally scared. It can't be football related, obviously. Or strength related or attractive related or hair related. It can't be anything. Nothing like that. Nothing you'd ever measure a man by. No, exactly. Just something you'd measure. Like in a weird apocalypse, what's the skill set you'd need? It's got to be broadcast related. Here's the deal. Okay. Okay? We...

It's got to be two bears versus, what is theirs called? Two studs, two studs, one swift. I think it's called KKK or something like that. Is it the KKK podcast? Yeah, the triple K podcast. New Heights. New Heights with Jason and Travis Kelsey. Okay. New Heights with Jason and Travis. Maybe we'll have our moms fight their mom. Good, that's good. That's fair, it's a fair fight. And she made two professional athletes. So it's both of our moms versus your mom. Okay.

She's got stronger genes for sure. Let's have three women in their 70s fight. It's a great idea. I think she'd beat the shit out of our moms. My mom would be like, I can't find my glasses. My mom would be dead immediately. There's my mom. Okay, okay. Back to the drawing board. We have to. It's got to be a skill set.

It's got to be a podcasting skill set. Here's what we're going to do, okay? Yeah. We're going to talk about, this is it, Kelsey Brothers. I hope you're interested. We're going to go podcast to podcast, okay? Okay.

It's going to be a set up wide shot. Then you set up a wide shot. Okay. And we're going to talk about hot button podcasting topics. The hottest topics out there. Jeffrey Epstein. And then Jason will be like, oh, you mean my dating life? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Yeah. I got some insight for you. Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. All right.

I was going to say, we talk about vac. No, he got vaccinated, right? I don't know. Is he the guy that did the commercial? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, it can't be doing vaccinations. Fuck. How do we, how do we compare to these guys? We spend money quicker than they do. Yeah. We're not thinking about our future. We can't do famous friends. They're going to destroy us. Hmm. Hmm. What about a blind taste test? We each have sex with the same process in the dark, in the dark. And she's got to say who's the best.

We run trains on them. I mean, you run a train on one podcast. Come on, Tom, think. I'm thinking. I mean, this is our strength. It's super incestuous. I guarantee you, if they had this on their podcast, they'd already have a fucking answer. It doesn't help that they're goddamn superstars. Well, you got us into this. Help me get out of it. Okay. How can we take these guys down? How can we take them down? These motherfuckers. Can they read?

They don't need to. They don't need to, but. They don't need to read to be an offensive lineman. That's what I'm saying. I don't even know if they can. I bet we can talk trash. They went to fucking Cincinnati. Born in Cincinnati. Yeah, I was born there. Shit. Fuck, we keep. It's almost like they watch Two Bears and they're like, I think we could easily do this. Yeah. We both are from Cincinnati. Yeah. Oh. Something fart related. What if we broadcast? Oh, fuck. What if we broadcast on woke topics?

Hmm like we take a woke topic and we see who gets busted first like pronouns Okay, a bunch of like lbgtq+ Trans people and we'll all interview them and see you know what they would do They're gonna fucking they would wear fucking rainbow jerseys and be like everyone's welcome and at our games And then those people be like oh, thanks, and they like how about you guys we'd be like fucking Zimzer my nuts, and then they'd be like we like the Kelsey's

Alright, what about black guys? What are we going to do? Who black people like more? The Kelsey brothers or me and you? It's me and you. No. Oh wait, you're right. They work with black guys. Yeah, more than we got. Fuck. Hey, Eddie, who would you pick? You guys are the Kelsey brothers? Yeah. I pick you guys. Like if they offered you a job right now and said, hey, do you think we make more money than they do?

I don't know, man. How much type in net worth Kelsey? Well, they both have public contracts that we could raise more money for charity than they could. That's a fun one. Yes. I told you it was going to show up. Yeah, I did. It showed up. That's what it is. Okay. He signed a four year, $57 million. Okay. Get that off the screen. Okay. They make more money than we do. And then what about Jason? Cause he signed a contract. Oh, his is like the ridiculous one that was like, wait, same. What? He makes 14 million a year.

Okay, let's do charities. Who can raise more money for charity? I guarantee you we could smoke them. I guarantee you we can smoke them. But, and here's the key, they pick our charity, we pick their charity. No, but don't forget. What? Okay, okay. Don't forget. Get Taylor Swift out of this. Well, that's the thing though. Okay. When Travis goes, hey, my charity, he gets that Swifty bump. It's hard to compete with. Okay. Lady Gaga. What about her? Secret Time? Yeah. Yeah.

There's a lot of female artists out there that are a little jealous of Taylor Swift's tour. So we... Beyonce. We hit them up. Lady Gaga. Yes. How are we going to hit them up? Dude, once the war starts and Taylor comes out on their side... Yeah. We get Beyonce. Yeah, we just go Beyonce. Yo. Yo. Okay, it would be great if one of us... We tag her in a story? Yo, B. Okay, we start hanging... We get... Dude, we...

The beehive is way stronger than the Swifties. Those are fighting fucking words, and I like it. I like it too. I like it. We're going to get the beehive on our team. They can get the Swifties, and we're going to raise way more money than that. We're so much more creative in ideas to get money. They just use their bodies to get money. Yeah, they're going to be like, snap the ball. Snap the ball for good, and then catch. Yeah.

Catch, run!

More money for touchdowns. And then that's all they got. Ha. Yeah. Hey, dude, give me, what is, we'll learn impressions of them. Yeah. Dude, this is going to be better than Tipper Canoe and Tyler Too. We're talking old school mudslinging. Yeah. Old school mudslinging. You got it. And the charity reveals itself at the Super Bowl. Who raised more? We do it all January. All January. Okay. And we raise money. Our podcast versus their podcast. We get it on GoFundMe. We...

And we fucking slaughter those dudes. Because here's the end of the day, Tom. Yeah. We'll throw our own money in. Yeah, of course. But also. Do you think they're willing to do that? Do you think they're willing to lose a fruitless war? Who knows, man? We'll Vietnam this shit. Here's the thing. They're fucking competitive. Those are competitive guys. So if you make it a real competition, you're going to get the best of them. I bet we can get Pat McAfee on our side. Oh, yeah. Dude, think of. See, you got to remember. They. They. They.

We can fan out thick. Like, the people we can bring in. Also, you know what we should do? What? We hit up the teams, players on the teams that hate them the most. Right? So what's his name? Jason plays for the Eagles. We hit up some Cowboys. Hit up Dak. Right? And we go. Jerry Jones. Fuck. Jerry Jones. Jerry Jones. Jerry Jones is good for a cool mill. Easy, bro. Cool mill. Hey, man, you want to shit on the Eagles for once?

And then we'll make them raise money for something they don't like like we'll make them raise money Look at this dude. We got we got DK Metcalfe will throw in fucking loot right? Yeah Mayfield He already knows how much I love his ass Mike Evans We got we got all so we got it Micah. We got to hit up Micah Parsons, but you just hit my pants. Did you shit? I just shit my pants. Did you shit? I just shit my pants

I just shit my pants. Really? I just shit my pants. Oh, fuck. I just shit my pants. I haven't shit my pants since I lost weight. That's old school. Is it wet? I was going to wear these jeans tonight. Not anymore. Hold on. Let me check. Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh. Oh, I shit my pants. No, I didn't shit my pants. Oh, my God, dude. That was. I thought that was wet. Let me see a piece of tissue real quick. Oh, fuck. You think you're going to get this on the Kelsey Brothers High Noon Podcast?

Oh god, wait, where's the trash can? We don't need one, I think we're clean. Oh, hold on. I think we're clean. Yeah, we're clean. Oh, I'm gonna throw up. Wait! We're totally clean. We're totally clean. We're totally clean. Don't throw up because I'll throw up. I fucking almost just... It's totally fine. Get a trash can. Get a fucking trash can in here. I didn't shit my pants. Oh my god, I'm gonna be fucking sick. I didn't shit my pants.

No. I didn't shit my pants. I didn't shit my pants. We're good. I'm seeing stars. No. That was so fucking terrifying. That was close. That was close. That was where your asshole goes like this. You go. And then he just held it back by. So back to the Kelsey brothers. Yeah. Don't you love how close we are? Yeah. Fuck, that was rough. We get them a charity for. What's a charity that the Swifties will not want to donate to? I like how you're thinking.

right that way we don't have to incorporate the beehive oh there you go we do incorporate the game we're still going after the beehive we want them on our team the beehive needs to be activated

Yeah, we got to get them activated. Do not watch any of our videos from here backwards, beehivers. If you are a beehiver right now, you're our fans too. That's awesome. We're so happy to have you guys. Yeah, just stay on board. Please, please, please. Don't go back. Take it like this. You ever date someone with a weird sexual history and you go, I don't even want to know. All I want to know is you're with me right now. Yeah. That's how we are. That's what's important from today forward. And by the way, we're not... No, we'll go after the Swifties. My daughters. That's my daughter's friends.

You can go after them? I'll take their smoke. Will take their smoke. I can take their smoke if you're with it. Sure. It's like when you went after pro wrestlers and then I had to fucking DM a couple pro wrestlers and be like, yeah, he's my buddy. Did you really? Yeah. I grew up in fucking Florida. What did they say to you? They did not take it kindly. Yeah, I got some weird messages back then. Who's the worst group of people to go after? To attack? Okay, you ready? Let's go head-to-head armies. QAnon?

Or the beehive. Who would you not want to fuck with? Yeah. Well, it's a different type of assault that you would feel. The beehive would come at you and you'd just be bombarded by the volume. The QAnon would... Would ruin your life. Yeah, yeah, in a different way. They'd like take your money. Yeah, you're fucking... It docks you, show up place. You know what I mean? I think the beehive thing would just be overwhelming like online. Legion of skanks? Or... Or beehive.

Who would you not want to fuck with? Yeah. I mean, the, I mean, the lesion would be funnier. I think the beehive, the beehive went after, um, trick daddy. Trick daddy. Yeah. Why? Why?

Because he, and by the way, I'm friends with Trick. I love TDD. I mean, I love him. Yeah. And I actually do not want the smoke he got with them. Because even Trick Daddy, who doesn't give a fuck. Truly. And I don't think he really totally gave a fuck. But the fact that it registered on his radar at all meant for me, it must have been fucking smoky. What happened there? He said...

And I'm paraphrasing that this is how terrified I am of the beehive, that Beyonce could sing, but she can't sang. That's what he said. Yeah, like she can't sang. And I guess I didn't really understand the entire thing. But we talked about it on our podcast when I did a podcast with him. And he was like, because you could tell he was like,

dealing with the remnants of the beehive aftermath. It was old. It's an old thing. It was old and he was still, he brought it up to me twice. Wow. And I was like, fuck man. Like I never realized, like I like, I like Beyonce. I think she's pretty fucking awesome. Here we go. She can't sing, but she can't sang.

Beyonce!

How do you not appreciate Drake, daddy? Beyonce can't sing. He goes on to say Jay-Z shouldn't be in the conversation of the greatest rapper alive. Okay, so he was... Since his initial comments, he doubled down in his statements. That's what I love about it. That's why he's T-double-D. Beyonce is the number one performer I've ever seen besides Michael Jackson and Chris Brown. Can she sing? Yeah. She can't sang.

Shane in my top. Okay. So yeah, he's stuck to it. He's stuck to it. And by the way, he doesn't like... He's not an online motherfucker. Yeah. He went after when... By the way, I...

The things that are in my fucking YouTube algorithm are shocking for anyone else. But like he went after when Ebro went after Kodak Black, he went after Ebro in a real way. Oh, really? Yeah. Ebro is an old interview, but it was when Kodak was going through some court stuff. Which time?

the most recent one I'm gathering. - Okay, all right. - He looked younger in this video. - Okay. - And Ebro brought it up and then Rosenthal was in there. Rosenthal was actually pretty funny. It was actually, I wish that the, it was a pretty fucking funny clip. But unless you're Kodak Black who did not find it funny but he said something that I say all the time, say less.

He goes, Ebro was like, well, then this interview's over. And Kodak Boss says, say less. And walked out. But a lot of people came after. Joe Budden came after. I think Joe Budden did. I'm not sure who. OK, there's another guy. I would never want to smoke from his fans. Joe Budden's fans. Joe Budden does not give a shit.

Fuck, do you think he knows who we are? No idea. I doubt it. Yeah, probably not. I doubt it very highly. He's great on podcasts. Yeah, there's some people that are just... But he doesn't give a fuck about... He'll say what he thinks. I curb my opinion based on my career.

There's things that I sincerely regret saying out loud. Really? Oh, yeah. Reese Witherspoon's boyfriend should have hit her. Or not hit her, but you know what I mean. Remember that? Checked her? Yeah, whatever. I forget what I said. I forget what I said. And Reese, I'm already sorry already.

Like, I forget. There's so many things I've said. Like, I think there's a time we went after Dax Shepard. I don't totally remember. Really? I think we did. I think we, it was like the same way we're doing it with Kelsey, the brothers, but it was like fun. But then maybe, I don't know. I don't know. I don't fucking remember, but I like Dax Shepard. I don't think that registered to him. Did it? No. I don't think it registered to him. He follows me on Instagram. I met him a few weeks ago. Tall? Like normal height. Good skin? Sure. Jacked? Hair? Yeah.

- Good hair, jacked. - Jacked, really? He's a pretty bad motherfucker. He got fucking heat from the trans community. Okay, ready? Beehive or trans community? - Oh, Jesus. That's a good one. - That's a fucking head-to-head battle. - Who do you want to smoke from? - Bro, why aren't these the next versus battles? Where a trans person goes head-to-head with the beehive and you watch them online and you see who wins?

I think the beehive would really come after you in an even more aggressive way, actually. I would give it to them. Okay. Beehive over trans. I think so. Trans over Swifties? Easy. Trans? Yeah. I take trans. Yeah, trans probably. Okay. Trans over wrestlers. Yeah. I mean, as somebody who got it from the wrestlers-

you know what my next one's going to be. I'd sign up for that over the trans. Can I get a bleep on this next one? Sure. Trans versus... Who would I rather get it from? You know. They can't really figure out what's going on. So I would take it. I would take that. I would take that. Okay. You know what they did? Yeah. What? We might have to bleep this too. No, no. Just bleep the worst but keep the thing in. They...

They came to one of my shows outside. They gathered outside and they gave everybody in line a card. I thought you were going to say hot dog. They gave everybody a card. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. For real? Yeah, like a Hallmark card. And they said this card was written by one of us.

oh they wrote them themselves well i'm sure they had some help but then yeah this is we gotta end this is horrible this is horrible guys you gotta know just just bleep everything we're saying in here and then if you want our patreon why don't we have a patreon um i don't know what we should do is a patreon and we'll release the first five minutes of this podcast where we talk shit about other comics oh that would do and we keep all this shit in okay so

What would you rather do? Ready? This is a good one. Okay. Beehive versus vaccinators. Oof. We're saying beehive is probably top right now, right? Yeah, I think as a group, you don't want to really...

you know they brew they would ruin your they do okay i think so so who are you going to take vaccinators when we're talking about all our friends that are wearing masks and posting videos that's an aggressive bunch for to online that would be that'd be one of the worst you could probably

Yeah. They've taken down. They've ruined people's lives. They've ruined people's lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've ruined people's lives. Who are you taking? That's the thing. I think in that situation, they might be the most aggressive of all. Okay. I think. That's a good one. Who do you think? So you got to imagine. So they go head to head, right? Mm-hmm.

So the thing with the Vaxxers is that they will no longer like something if you don't believe what they believe. So if there is a Vaxxers fan who's a Beyonce fan but finds out that Beyonce's fans are anti-Vaxx, then I don't know how they do this, but they'll start hating Beyonce. For real, they'll hate her. Whereas the Beehive fans will get vaccinated and not get vaccinated. So then they'll be split amongst each other and they'll start inter-fighting.

That's a tough one. It is a tough one. God, man. These matchups should be done. It would be, you know, that's the crazy thing. What about YMH fans? We didn't throw them in there. YMH fans versus who? Oh, how about YMH versus Legion of Skanks? Because I think there's, I think respectfully, I think they actually are two different circles. Maybe. I mean, I think there's some concentric circles, but here's the thing. If you're a Legion of Skanks fan, you're a ride or die fan.

Well, because you guys are free speech, but they're like ride or die free speech that no one's standing up for. Right. They're like, yeah, the thing that you now hate to death, that's what we support. Right. Because they're diehard comedy fans, diehard freedom of speech fans, diehard comedy fans, and comedy in a different sense. Some of the things that Legion of Scantix has done, as Jay will tell me them,

I will start laughing as in that can't be done. And he's like, no, we did it. And we'd gotten a lot of trouble. And I think one of the ones was crazy and they had to apologize. Really? I think they did. I think, I think even they were like, okay, that was too far. So they, they go for it. That's the thing. Dude, Lewis goes for it. So who do you think? Why? I think YMH could take Legion of Skanks. I don't know. I mean, we're probably, but here's the thing about YMH fans.

Here's the thing. The YMH fans, they like, here's the joke, have fun with it. This is a joke. It's not like, take this down. No, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Legion of Skanks fans are stand on the hill and we die on this hill fans. Yeah, yeah.

YMH fans are like sniper at the hill. Yeah, and then if like punch in the dark fans like they love when someone doesn't get the joke Yeah, yeah, and they keep doing they just get the joke. That's what they love. That's true Legion of skank fans are like oh no shirts off. We're fucking going after it Yeah, and and if you don't be really funny to have YMH fans do like Not like I don't mean go after but like do their thing on

to like uh like taylor swift or beyonce where like you have their fan bases going like what are you talking about what are you talking about what we started that war we did ymh fan is a concentric circle with the beehive okay who is off left from the swifties yeah and the chiefs and the eagles oh we got we're going against the eagles fans that's a rough fan base

That's a rough fan base. Eagle fan base is as scary as the Vaxxers. Yeah, I agree. Eagle's fan base is possibly the Philly fans.

Is there a scarier set of fans in the country? You let alone in the world, in the world. Yes. Because nothing compares to man United to like, I would say the hooligans and also South American, like South American, European soccer fans make our fucking fans look like we're just, just fucking at, at a kid's game. It's not the same. They're way, way, way crazier. Really? Yes, dude. They're way crazier. Like the, the,

The Spanish soccer fans, it makes it look like a joke. It really does. It's more, it's like religion. It's so devout. It's another level. That is, okay. It's like you have to separate U.S. fan bases for the rest of the world. So if you could team up two fan bases. Now, I'm getting back for this charity thing because I think this is important. I think so, too. We need to get our concentric circles, the Beehive, YMH.

we someone goes on legion of skanks we get their fans involved all for this charity thing and we're all going after the kelseys by the way this is all in good fun what are the kelsey fans called just people that like good no yeah kelsey fans or kelsey fans or eagles fans they're sports fans they're sports fans sports fans are lunatics too yeah sports fans are pretty fanatical that's why we need pat mcafee on our team

Yeah, we got to get Pat. We got to get Pat. But see, he's got the brotherhood. He's a former player. You don't think so? Call him right now. Call him. See if he'll jump on our squad. It'd be really nice to have that support. If we got the McAfee support, it's a big deal. Pat McAfee on FaceTime. Please be taking this shit. So aggressive. Damn it, he's not going to answer. What? I got a secret weapon. What is it? Barstool fans.

Okay, barstool we get bar barstool fucking Pat McAfee's already on their team I bet I bet he's gonna call from Jason and Kelsey if everybody makes their makes their big calls Let's polarize the fucking world Let's make Republicans and Democrats look like fucking Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts and let's polarize fan bases Polarize it all for a good cause all for good cause by the way, I'm ready for the smoke. Okay. Okay. I'm ready for the smoke It's gonna come our way

We're going to get hammered. All the month of January, it's going to be fucking tough. It's going to be thick. You know what we got to do? Go to a different country? No, we got to get on the basketball podcast to talk shit. Oh, shit. You know what I mean? Shit. Because they're going to have the football shit locked down. Basketball, you're right. You know, we'll go on that. What's that podcast? All the Smoke. All the Smoke, yeah. Matt Barnes. There's that. There's the Barstool one with, goddammit, what's his name and what's his name? It's fucking great. Basketball podcasts are great.

You want a murder podcast? Yeah. We will do the rounds to raise money. Hello, JRE. Oh, we won. What the fuck are we talking about? What the fuck? I can't believe we were playing fucking hide and go seek with a blind guy. I know. What are we talking about here? Dude, Rogan knows nothing about football. Nothing. Not interested either. Zero. And all we got to do is show him Travis Kelsey.

Getting the jab. Hey, Joe, what team do you want to be on? The guy who reads the information or the guy who just trusts Big Pharma? Yeah. We won. There you go. I don't even think we need to do it anymore. It's over? It's over. It was fun playing with you guys. We beat you.

Finally, that's right. We beat you because we're friends with Joe Rogan. So the story of our careers. We didn't have to try out for a team. We got picked. Our dad owns League. We didn't do anything during this. It's like those F1 drivers are like their dads just buy the race team. It's hilarious.

What? What? You were today. No. What? That was a fun game. It was fun. We're still going to do this, dude. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Jason's coming to my show in Pat McAfee, baby. Okay.

The fucking goat. Let me tell you something, Pat. I'm here with Big Tommy Buns. What's up, man? Tommy, baby. How you doing? What's going on? Listen, we know you're slumming it doing a podcast because you are big. Fuck, you own ESPN these days. We know, we know. I'm trying to get like you boys. I'm trying to get like you boys. I don't have a fucking feature film about my life in Russia.

Oh, number one on Netflix for three weeks. Hey, Pat. I was one of the watchers. Oh, thank you. That was three. So, Pat, hey, first of all, you're going to love this episode. You get your flowers big time in it. Yeah, we really praised you, man. Yeah. We want to know something. We want to know something, though. We need something, though, Pat. Pat, we want to know. You're going to have to pick a team. We're going head-to-head with the fucking Kelsey brothers, and we need you to pick a side. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you going to be like, oh, I'm an NFL alum. Are you going to be a fucking man? Tom, I mean, the way you phrased that was certainly a little aggressive. It felt like, what is this about? What is this? What are we? Why don't you flip it around and tell them? Oh, yeah. Well, here's the deal.

These guys watch a couple episodes of Two Bears, think they can do it better, right? They've got all the fucking money. They've got all the hot chicks. And Tom and I are like, you're coming after our fucking throne. You want the smoke, you got the smoke. I already do like a 35 calorie on an assault bike. I don't know what they can do. So we're going head to head. We're going to go see which podcast can raise the most money for charity. They've got the Swifties. We're getting the beehive behind us. And if we get a guy like Pat McAfee, who owns...

the dialogue of professional sports fans. We fucking own these two baggers. You going to be on the two bear squad? All right, I'm on your team. That's what we wanted to hear. Guess what? Rogan's on our team too. We haven't asked him, but we already know he is because old fucking Travis got the jab. So we're in, baby. Yeah, hell yeah. And also, yeah,

I don't know what you guys are doing. You're going to win, though. Fuck yeah. By the way, we have the beehive, but we don't have any connection to Beyonce. So just making that clear, too. I was very impressed by you guys getting Beyonce's crew. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dude, we got QAnon. We got Ladis Legion of Skanks. We got the trans community. We got everyone, buddy. Oh, that's good. Washington Post is going to write another article about me teaming up with QAnon and you guys. Thanks, Pat. I love you, Pat. Love you, buddy. You too, bro.

We got McAfee. We got McAfee. Gentlemen, we can play the game, but we already know the score. So... And we got Jerry Jones. And we got Jerry Jones. Holy shit. We got fucking oil money, gentlemen. Yeah, dude.

Who's there gonna be... What's the name of that movie? Where's the Blood? Where's the Blood? Where's there Blood? Will there be Blood? Will there be Blood? Will there be Blood? Is there Blood? There's Blood. There is so much Blood. There's so Blood. So much Blood. We're fucking covered in Blood. We look like a Chief's jersey. Yep. You're going down, KKK. The Klansmen. That's what their fan base is called. They're Klansmen.

Guys, do not write that in their comments. No, don't write that. Don't write that. I think that's already over. That's done. Fuck. Maybe stop being fun about it. Oh, man. All Taylor Swift has to do is go...

Go out on stage and just go, fuck Tom, fuck Bert. Yeah, that's not really her style. I said, well, I'm just a girl in a pickup truck. Listen to two bears in one cave. Don't like those two small white boys. Think they misbehave. There you go. Think I'm singing a Miley Cyrus song right now. Oh, yeah. Miley Cyrus. She's friends with Joe.

Really? It's bad. We should probably ask Joe if we could just go through his Rolodex. Yeah. We get Elon. Joe's Rolodex is thick. He should go to war with someone. That'd be cool. Who do you think could beat JRE? Vaxxers? Nope. No. Trans? Nope. Beehive? Swifties? Are the only thing... This is a crazy conversation I have about a friend of ours. Yeah, but... He is Joe Rogan bigger than Taylor Swift. Well, I mean...

- It's not the same kind of comparison though. - We can find out. - No, Taylor is a-- - Taylor's a massive dude. - She's a massive dude, yeah. - How do you think? - Taylor's the biggest pop star in the world. She broke Ticketmaster. - She broke Ticketmaster. - Ticketmaster. She does multiple nights in stadiums, stadiums sell out, like in two seconds. - How do you date a chick like that? - What do you mean?

Like respectfully and I mean this respectfully to our wives. They're talented Mm-hmm, but they're not like touch a microphone talented Taylor Swift just kind of has an idea and it's a fucking platinum album Yeah, you put Taylor Swift in a room and she could make the gross national

Product and quiver the money of a country if you put her in a room think of that talent if you put her in a room with a guitar or piano or just a symbol she could come up with enough money to support an economy of a fucking small city easy Yeah, true. How do you date that? How do you date that when she says let's get pizza you go You've been right every time you've ever anything's coming out of your mouth everyone agrees. So yeah, how do you date that? We date like mediocre chicks

When we marry mediocre Jesus Christ, Rogan has 18 million on Instagram, Taylor Swift has 276 million fans. - That's a lot. - And those aren't like, those aren't like just, those are like ride or dies. - Yeah, they're diehards. - What's Beyonce got? - I wonder why the, I bet Swifties and Beehive is concentric circles. It's just people into good music.

We're trying to polarize two teams for ourselves. We got Beyonce, 318 million. I'll take the behind. How about, I didn't think about that. How about Lionel Messi? Oh, fuck. 492 million. Oh, we need a soccer player. Messi's the white guy that speaks Spanish? Well, he's Argentine, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, he's a whole fucking economy. When we get him in our pocket, you know what our catchphrase is going to be? What's it going to be? It's about to get messy. Ooh. I bet he'd probably understand the Kelsey brothers quicker being a high elite athlete. I bet he probably looks at us and goes, one guy speaks Spanish. Yeah. Cool. What about that other guy? And then he'd be like, oh, he has Hitler's teacup? My family came from there. By the way, that's a joke to all the messy fans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's Argentina. That's where they went, right?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Good places to hide there. It's crazy. I watched a documentary on it. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty cool. I think this one's in the books. All the Kelsey brothers have to do now is accept the challenge. Accept it. Accept the challenge. Head to head. Head to head. Yeah. See who can raise the most money for charity. We pick each other's charity. That's where the brain comes in. So we're going to pick a charity you're not going to totally want to raise money for.

However, it is a charity and they need it. They need it. And then you can pick our charity. And here's the other thing. We are burn it to the ground motherfuckers. You guys are going to have to court a public opinion. People respect them. Yeah, totally. And so they have communities to uphold. Yeah. They have lots of people on their team. We got me and you and those dudes. Yeah. So we, what's the best charity to make them raise money for?

Well, I mean, we should pick a really good charity. Hamas. Is that a charity or a team? Yeah. I think that would... That would make it real. Yeah. But then it'd be weird when you go, we won. Here's $11 million going to Hamas. I think it would kind of bring the mood down a little bit and be like, we won. Yay. I don't think that's what we want. Yeah.

Maybe, yeah, yeah. Listen, guys, these are all brainstorm sessions. Yeah, yeah. Why don't we do like World Central Kitchen or something, you know? What the fuck's that? That's where they feed people where disasters have happened. You don't want to do that? No. Why? You want to give it to a terrorist organization? That's what you think a fun thing would be? You raise money for North Korea. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Starlight Children's Foundation, maybe? No. I'm drooling.

Oh. Oh. Proud Brothers? Is that what you mean? Proud Boys? Proud Boys? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Fuck. Why don't they raise money for the Republican Party? Okay. Which, you know, I bet they're probably like, part of them is like, all right, that's not that bad, but we can't say it out loud. Right.

And then we'll raise money for Bernie Sanders. Just him specifically? Is he still in it? I don't think he's running. Oh, he'll start once we raise fucking $11 million for him.

If we, oh my God, it will be an election year. So if we just get behind a campaign, but then it's just, then you're just, it's just stupid. No, but it has to be somebody like a, like has a, you know, there's always like the person who's like fifth on the ballot. You're like, who the fuck is this? And they get like a thousand votes. You got to raise money for that candidate. No, let's change the world. Let's change the world slowly and get a fifth party candidate. Yeah.

To win you can get on the ballot what if we raise it for you and you run for president? You have to go through the paperwork. It's supposed to be I mean you're not I'm gonna do it No, no, but I mean we'd have to get somebody to like actually do the work. Yeah, I'll run for president We've raised money for your campaign. Yeah, that's it You guys have to raise money for my campaign to be president and then we'll raise money for whoever you really want to be president I'd be great at the beehives like he's got some good points. Yeah, you'd be an awesome president. I would be an awesome president. Yeah, I

I'm gonna look at Leanne the entire night tonight and go, "Why can't you be Taylor Swift?" That's like crazy. That's crazy. - What car is Taylor Swift? - What car is Taylor Swift? - I don't know. - Past episodes, guys, gets into the brothers. We talk about what cars our wives are. Leanne's a Bronco and Taylor-- - Christina's an SL500 from '98. - That was a close one. - That sounded like a dart. - Yeah.

Taylor Swift is, I don't know. That's interesting. What kind of car is Taylor Swift? I think she's a classic. She's a classic, but she is a classic. But, and I'm only saying this because I think that, I wonder, I wonder, we're going to get to know the Kelsey brothers better after this and we'll find out. But I bet, I wonder if she's, and I mean this in like, not in a sexual way, but like, I wonder if she's easy to drive, right? Like, I wonder if like, I wonder what it's like hanging out with a superstar.

Like, I wonder what it's like. I wonder, I imagine, I imagine she's pretty regular because it seems like she grew up pretty regular. Seems like it. Sure does. But still, it's like, it's like, I'm difficult to be around and I'm not her. Maybe that's because, maybe that's why I'm difficult to be around. Maybe that's why I'm not her. But like, I wonder like if, if, because like I was going to say McLaren, right?

Mm-hmm everyone I mean if you show up at fucking valet everyone fucking looks if you walk into a bar with Taylor Swift everyone fucking looks sure but you can't be like yo just Hopping it and park it over there. It's a little tough to drive like it's complicated Yeah, as soon as you see it you're like holy fucking shit No, I don't know. She'd I she'd have to be a classic like what Whitney what kind of car Whitney Houston be Whitney Houston Whitney Houston's a

fucking classic that's true like the top five classic top five female artists that will go down in history okay and just do the ones we know like you can obviously obviously go eddie james and stuff like that which are like yeah the fucking goats of of goats right but let's just do the ones we know starting whitney houston forward because whitney houston's got to be in there right whitney houston's definitely in there i'm gonna name names okay whitney houston dolly parton

loretta lynn dolly's pretty amazing uh june carter yeah nina simone nina simone uh erica badu amazing uh lauren hill beyonce sure jennifer lopez i love the beneflec memes the beneflec memes like the one when they the sad ben me oh the sad smoking one so much i love them so much

I love them. I love that they, I love them. I know he probably hates them, but they make, I giggle at them every time. Cause everyone knows that sentiment. That's why it's just, everyone gets that like, yeah, that one, that, that's, that registers. Yeah. To everybody. Everybody knows what that, exactly what that feels like. So, so, uh, what do you got? Mariah Carey in there, right? Yeah. Mariah Carey. Yeah. We're way over five though, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But no, but like who are your top five?

Madonna, Lady Gaga. Has to be in there. In the conversation. It's funny how Madonna was like the Britney. Oh, Diana Ross. Britney, Christina. Rihanna. Rihanna. Keep going. Diane, Olivia Newton-John. Aretha Franklin. Katie Perry. What, do they have Taylor Swift as 10? What year was this done? Well, this is, yeah, I don't know. They have Madonna as number one.

I think that is going to change. Yeah, Donna Summer. Carpenters. She played drums.

they have beyonce's 15. that's off bro barbara streisand share pink yeah like there is there is there is stephan i guarantee you because you know how we are about like comics or are are i wouldn't say catty about tours but it's like it's like there's like there's you know when someone does bigger venues you notice it everybody right yeah and so i wonder if that happens with taylor with pink and lady god they all know and they're all like

Like I heard one of the stars being like, yo, I sell just as many tickets. And you were like, you guys are all the same to us. Yeah. Well, their thing also, they legit make a jump from arenas to stadiums. Stadiums. Yeah. And that becomes a thing that like-

There's a number of them that can routinely do that. I heard Taylor Swift has two tour buses, meaning two sets of tours. One goes to the next stadium and sets up as she does this show. And then she goes over and does that. And then they go to the hopscotch. That's fucking crazy. Pretty crazy. Yeah. It's a whole other thing. She's definitely on another level. No question. I mean, how do you have her for Thanksgiving at your house and not everyone's like, it's Taylor fucking Swift?

I don't know. I think it's probably she knows how to like deflate people and just be like, uh, Joey Diaz told me that when he did a movie with De Niro, he said this thing, I'll never forget. He goes, the first time that you're doing a scene, he said, you know, they were like blocking it, kind of running it. And that De Niro, like he's in a chair and he looks up and De Niro standing above him. And he said, when he looked up, De Niro put his hand on his shoulder and said, it's okay.

It's okay. Because he knew that Joey and the new guys on the set were like, oh, it's fucking De Niro. And so he was like, it's okay. Like himself. I know. It's all right. Oh, I bet she does the dishes and shit. Oh, because she's that person also? Right. Because she grew up like that? Sure. Where she grew up with manners. So I bet she's like, oh, I'll do the dishes. I bet she gets her own water bottles. Yeah. I haven't gotten a water bottle in years. What do you mean? I haven't gotten a water for myself. I don't want to hear it. I haven't even opened it.

You mean someone gives it to you? Oh, yeah. So you'd be in the house like, hey. Let me date Jason Kelsey and watch the diva that shows up. I was like, Jason, are they going to do apps for us or are we just going to sit here and play PlayStation? You think I'm going to do stuff? Like you bring it to me. Yeah, like someone's bringing it to me. I'm not going to fucking do shit around their house. What do you think of that opportunity, Jason? Hey, can I come to Thanksgiving? Yeah.

All right, we got the challenge. Yeah, we're all set up. Super Bowl weekend, Taylor Swift lyrics. Sure, let's close on some Taylor Swift lyrics back to back. Tom and I will sing the song, you give us the lyrics. And we're going to broadcast...

From the Super Bowl. From the Super Bowl. And challenge. Well, that's when we'll reveal who won the fundraising. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we need them to accept the challenge first. Yep. Then once they do, we'll text. We'll DM with each other and text. You got Jason's, Travis's number. We'll text. We'll find out the charities we're raising the money for. We'll go live on our own podcast, separate podcasts. Yep. And then we'll do a co-podcast from the Super Bowl. We'll both be at the Super Bowl, MGM Grand Arena, and we'll do a podcast.

And we'll reveal who won the challenge. I can't wait. I think it's going to be fucking great. It reminds me of when we were both young, when I first saw you. I close my eyes and the flashback starts. I'm standing there on the balcony in the summer air. See the lights, see the party, see the ball gown. So there's a high probability that neither one or neither brother is available.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I forgot to play football. Yeah. I guess Super Bowl is probably a bad place to meet up, huh? Could be. I bet they're going to be on fucking press row. That's true. We should do live press row, two bears from press row. That can definitely happen. That would be fucking great. Yeah. Hey, can we set that up? See if we can do radio row, two bears live, two bears from radio row. Clean? Everything's fine.

Wonder if the Kelsey brothers shit their pants. There's a challenge for you. Who can shit their pants more aggressively? I bet it's me. All right. Thank you guys for watching, for listening. Great episode. Super fun. Love you. I love you more. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call...

Two bears, one cave.