106 - New Butt Boofin' ft. Uncle Lazer
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Welcome to today's podcast. We are joined by Sir Uncle Laser. The laser? Sir Uncle. He likes to be called. We're now with... Is Batty, are you recording? Oh yeah, did I do that? It helps. We got, oh, and then I got a white claw. I got some vodka. Batty, can you pass the vodka? What a stud. I'm gonna use it first.

These at first and the new dude these things but yes, they were really good. That was too much vodka. Here we go dude. Now look who looks stupid. It's me. Death saves. It's a good shirt. No, it is a good shirt, dude. It's loud. I'm colorblind, but is your phone case fuchsia?

I call it pink. Okay. I'm colorblind. Hell yeah. Yeah. No, you nailed it. I think that's future. Like I said, I'm colorblind. I've been colorblind since I was a boy. Yeah. Yeah. Did you just crack one early? No, I cracked a first form. Now we crack this. Ready? Nice.

Can you just crack that for me? Yeah, I'll crack it. You don't have to drink it. I'll drink that one. No, I'll drink the fuck out of that. What is that, Swirl? I haven't seen these yet. Surf. Surf. See, I'm illiterate too. Not on my colorblind. Sorry. Hey! Hey, I hate you.

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month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Blue Chew for sponsoring this episode. Get hard today! Mudwater is a coffee alternative with four adaptogenic mushrooms and ayurvedic herbs.

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Go to mudwater.com slash unsubscribe to support the show and use code unsubscribe for 15% off. That's M-U-D-W-T-R dot com slash unsubscribe. The, uh, the claw crack is kind of like the, the introduction. The claw crack has just hit the floor. Boy, you know, how many things are you going to throw on the floor today? What the hell is happening? We just started. I haven't drank in a few days.

At least the microphone's down there and picks that. Is that on? No, no, that was muted. That'd pick that up great. Oh, I should have had the floor mic unmuted. The floor mic would have worked. The floor mic. The floor mic. Why don't you guys have a floor mic? Guys, we're trying something new. All right, what do we got here? Citrus. Oh my, it tastes like Sprite. I told you, bro. You want to try it? It tastes exactly like fucking Sprite.

Holy fuck. It's just like, it's just like that's Sprite. All right. All right. Too much vodka and a little bit of Sprite. All right. Real quick. I got to pick on you just a little bit there. Just like the tiniest amount. What do you got?

us dudes right we're dudes right for a bunch of fucking dudes we will literally bury our faces in dirty ass yeah yeah without a second thought just right into it yeah but motherfucker i share a drink we're like hold on hold on no i don't want to touch it with my well no it's all right no it's every guy at the club it's like bro try this okay yeah no no girl i just met

I'll tear a stranger a new asshole. But, I mean, it's like a respect. Like, if we were homies, if this was the first time we, like, hung out, I'm like, yeah, I'm a fucking tongue fucker. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to get down on it. Well, maybe not that. That's what I'm saying. You're like... Oh, no. It's like a hummingbird. Who is he?

What is he doing? When my buddies ask Al for me, he's like, hey man, try it. I just deep throat it. I deep throat the whole drink, but I'm not going to do that to my man right here. That's a tasty beverage. He's soulless, man. We just look over. He doesn't want to catch it. The tongue strong, he's like this.

Yeah, just fucking. It's great. You can keep that now. That straw is mine. Oh, my God. That drink is all yours. Surf White Claw, fuck. No, they're good. They're real good. They're kind of like tangy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just went with Lone Star. I like it. I'm a simple man. Yeah, baby. Well, you topped it off in there, bud.

Maybe you should knock it over and spill it on the floor and get a new one. Eli, can I hand you this real quick so you can spill it for me? I have Mr. Butterfingers today. Welcome to the Unsubscribe Podcast. As always, you have your host Eli, DoubleTap, and myself, BattyStreams, and our very, very sexy, great hair. Look at those sunglasses.

Uncle Lazer. Sir Lazer, I think we're calling him today. We going Sir Lazer? Fuck it, man. What do you like, Mr.? No, Sir Lazer's fine. No one's ever called me Sir Lazer. Mr. Uncle? I don't like Mr. Uncle. Yeah, that is true. Childhood trauma. How?

Wait, I got it Chisholm go Arizona. Yeah Scottsdale. Yeah

Yeah. Back is like, why? I don't like that. I don't like the way your brain works. It makes me uncomfortable. That's really what it comes down to. Do you have a tick like that where you can just go and remember shit? Certain stuff. Yeah. It's...

whatever I care for. Yeah. This tick is autism. Also, I have the, where I, if I don't care about stuff, I'm like, cool. And I just like, Oh no, I'm saying when people be, it's conversation with me and I'm like, what was your name again? And I don't mean to be like that. It's just, I'm like that too, but it's the alcohol usually for me. Alcohol makes me more like better understanding. You know what I'm saying? Like if I'm,

I just wake up and you're talking to me. I like, I don't know what you're telling me. I have no idea what you're doing. Brain hurts. I'm over it. No, it's sort of stuff. This pink guy is killing me. That's what happens when girls are in your face. It might be. We're back to the circle and back to eating ass. Look, I'm just, we're going to figure it out. The search continues. I really haven't found what's causing it, but it's been there for a few days. It does not feel good. What were you doing in Scott's stuff? I had a comedy show out there at this place called almost famous. And, uh,

God, that ain't a fucking good name. But dude, it was a badass little, it was like a little cellar bar. It was like underground. I think we capped it at like 175. It could have held 250, but it would have been like,

sardines. Not to die. I really like it like that. And then their stage was big. They had a drum set on stage. Every time I'd tell a joke, I'd hit the fucking snare drum as hard as I could. It was cool, man. It was a good time. But that place is... People hated it no matter what the joke was. No, it didn't matter. At one point, I put the snare in the middle of the room and just started playing drums for the show. This is what y'all paid for. Dude, that place is a fucking...

It's a haven for just handsome and attractive rich people. Oh yeah, it's Scottsdale. I've never seen that many. I don't know the Scottsdale. It's the nice, rich, white people area of good looking. They're all good looking, too? Dude, I didn't see one bad looking. I didn't see one fat person there. No, because it's Scottsdale. I can't go to Scottsdale. It's like LA got all of the model people from Scottsdale and Austin got all the fucking homeless people. Laughter

And dude, the homeless people in Austin are getting fucking aggressive. I had a guy with pit vipers come up to me the other day and was like, you got some spare change, man? And he wanted to fight me. No, I wasn't. Caleb, are you okay? Reach out, buddy. You got some change. No, Caleb. Get out of here, dude.

No, I don't got any mayo. Like, what are you doing? But dude, he wanted to fight me because I didn't have any spare change. Like, I got Venmo and PayPal. I go, dude, if you got Venmo and PayPal, you're not homeless. You're not homeless, dude. Like, get away from me. Yeah, they're getting aggressive. As he slides his pitpipers on me. What the fuck did you say to me? Yeah, dude. I'm not homeless. Pulls out his iPhone, starts recording you. Yeah. I'm not.

I would beat you, Ken! Bro! What the fuck? It's so outlandish, bro. Homeless man, why do you have two million followers on Twitter? Yeah, what the fuck's going on right here, man? Why do you have so much power? I don't remember what city it was in. It was a few years back. There was a viral video of a chick pretending to be fucking homeless. She would drive her Mercedes a few parking lots away. And panhandle? And literally walk into the middle of the street and, you know, she'd dishevel herself a little. And they got a recording of her walking back to her car with her fucking cardboard sign and shit. Dude.

They did like, it was like two years ago, like during COVID and shit. They did like a study or like someone documented it, like how much they made it. They made like fucking $600 a day being out there for 12 hours. They were making a lot of money. Driving a BMWs and shit. Yeah. I'm sure some of you are very homeless. Maybe you're watching this. I,

the shelter it's like the material you bring with you also to present yourself as homeless matters and your looks have to determine how much you it's like a bartender sure like a homeless girl the dog ones when they use the dog when they dog that use the dogs like a prop and shit like i try to grab some chipotle one time some extra shit so i was gonna give it to the guy like give to his dog and shit like that he's like nah man i'd rather take cash it would be with me it would go a lot further

I go, so you're not hungry. You don't want any of this food that I just bought for you out of the kindness of my fucking heart. He goes, nah, man, do you have any cash? I'm like, dude, you're a drug addict. You're not fucking homeless. You're not that hungry. Like, come on, man. That's it, man. It just, whatever. I mean, but I know some people are, you know, they're not all there and shit like that, but.

Some people. A lot of them are not all there. A lot of veterans. A lot of veterans. That's crazy. That's crazy the veterans. So wild what PTSD will do to a motherfucker. But then you see motherfuckers like our age and shit. And I'm like, dude, you're just lazy. You're not homeless. You're lazy. Like, dude, if you go outside of Austin to get like an apartment, it's like 800 bucks.

You know what I'm saying? You can't make 800 bucks in a month, dude. Like in your young and able body. Like what the fuck are you doing, dude? You're lazy. Yeah. Be motivated. People think they're too good to work. Like we're going to gas station. We're going to fast food restaurant. I worked at a guy. I worked at a fucking grocery store as an adult. I was like H-E-B bagger of the year in 2009, bro. I mean, I'm like legit. People feel too good. Those are bagging hands. They're lathered up.

Sometimes I put baby on my hands. These are bagging hands. Bring your own fucking bag, dude. Yeah. Fuck that plastic shit. Give me paper. I always feel like an asshole when I get up there and I forget the bags at home and you got to buy them. And I'm like, yo, give me paper. And they look at you funny. I'm just like, what the fuck? You know, man, that's true. Like people just, they feel like, and that's what the recent, the recent resurgence to everybody going online with everything feeling like we really can't make a living online now. It's like,

Welcome back to the real world. Welcome to the real world, buddy. Where you have to go to a job you don't like. Like, unfortunately, that's kind of it sometimes. Like, I did it. We've all done it. We all work shit fucking jobs to get to where we are. I was one of the guys that told Matt he'd quit his fucking regular job because I was like, allocate that time into what you're doing. I was like doing online shit like full-time eight hours more a day than my full-time job eight hours a day, sleeping for two hours a fucking night. It's fucking hard, bro. Dude, like...

the grind to get where you want is fucking what's going to make you brother. Like I was like, number one, Betty, get rid of that wife. So we did.

Hell yeah. Divorce. Down. You know what that created? Opportunity. Opportunity. With opportunity. I'm telling you, dude. You can't. You can't. I love you. Can I say your name? No. Okay. I can't say your name. I still love you. You're good people. Oh, shit. Congratulations. Wait. It's you. Okay. She's like, shut the fuck up.

Stop talking about it. Y'all still talking? Still good homies or not? No. No? Okay. No good homies, though. She wasn't bad. Let's move on. Let's go. Cut it. Hey, Eli. Yeah? I'm Wolverine again. Oh, that's for sure. What Batty's trying to say, Kershaw's been making knives in the United States since 1974.

Hey, Wolverine, how many employees does Kershaw have? 400. Stop pointing those at me. Designed, tested, manufactured in the United States. Ching!

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I'm Baraka. Baraka? Our president? No. Baraka. From Mortal Kombat? The single blade arm guy? You have no idea who I'm talking about? He's the- He's the guy with the mouth that's all- all the teeth and then he has the two blades that come out his arms.

Just making shit up. Let's go back to Scottsdale! Hot homeless people! Hot homeless people, am I right? You know hot homeless people, they're getting all the money. If Brad Pitt was on the corner, people would give him money. That was when his modeling career started, yeah. How hot? This is the problem. After a certain point, you're like, are you really homeless? You ain't looking that good.

If you're homeless. Yeah, but then you think, are they not homeless? Are they actually like a hooker or something? Yeah. What's the line? That's where my mind goes. Maybe the hookers are homeless. Maybe. Well, hell. Then you're like, what's the price tag? What are you offering here? What's the price tag? What are you offering here? Are you really homeless? Do you offer services and or wares? Yeah. Yeah. Do you want like a donation or a tip? You know what I'm saying? Like, what's going on here? I picture you pulling up. You're like, what? When she has a sign that just says, it's like...

anything helps and you pull up the sign and it's like, tip? Question mark? Yeah, tip. That's it, dude. It's just cardboard signs going back and forth. I'm telling you, dude. Yeah. Light screen, you're like, hold on, they're beeping at you. $100? Question mark? How much does 20 get me? Question mark? You know what I'm saying? H-J? Yeah. God. That reminds me, y'all was talking about that. When I was, it was the first year I was in the wool field.

Where did you work at in the oil field? You work at an oil field? Yeah. I just quit my job. I just quit my job in January to do comedy full time. So before that, at 13 years in the oil field. That's cool. That's cool. Congrats. One of the first places I worked was in Fort Worth in the Barnett Shell. And I remember this is a time like the transmission on my car went out. So I had to use my dad's truck to drive up there and you stay for like a month and go home for like 10 days. At that time, that's what I was doing. And I remember...

That like I was the third man because I was training. So they had me in a hotel. So I had to drive to the rig every morning. It was like 20 minutes outside of Fort Worth. And I remember it's like four in the morning and I'm at a stoplight by myself and like right outside of Fort Worth. And this naked woman comes running at my fucking vehicle, like waving her hands. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? Like my mind is the guy just watched the book of Eli.

the movie where that chick with the fucking shopping cart is trying to wave at me and he knows it's a trap and I'm like dude they're gonna they're gonna fucking kill me it's a cash grab so I just sped off I sped off and left her naked ass there but I wonder I wonder

I wonder how I'd have been, Columbus took a chance, found America. What if I let that woman in? What if you were Columbus? What if I Columbus that woman? What if you were Columbus? What if I Columbus that woman? Gave her a slip list and she died and we moved on with our lives. Who knows, boys? Who fucking knows? Or she's back from the future. Yeah. She's like, I got 10 seconds to make a message.

- She's like, wasted. - You forgot that, or Terminator. - Yeah, oh. - She literally could have been.

The end of mankind. Oh shit. I didn't even think about that. Yeah. And it wasn't like she was like not attractive either. She looked like she just had come from like domestic violence. You know what I'm saying? She was trafficked. You just let a trafficked chick make it through the street. I mean, look, dude, maybe I didn't do a good deed there, but maybe I did. Let's be real. That's what it is. She looks trafficked. She looked trafficked. Batty.

That's fine. 2023. That's the new term. Man, that bitch looked traffic. We live in Texas. Her nails were done. She wasn't traffic. She was somebody. She was somebody. So here we are. I'm glad you noticed her nails. I mean, look, I mean. You're fucking flooring it, burning it. Who's your girl? That's slow-mo.

punches in it. Who's your girl? I mean, I get my nails done every now and then. I want to know. I want to know where she get them done. I could just picture it. I was like...

Turns around in slow motion your mullet waves. Yeah, and the zoom in on her nails your pink beautifully done manicure perfectly And afraid poor girl Maybe she could be fine though. No. Yeah, I just you just that was a weird I did not been for the more of that if I'd had my coffee

We're talking a different story, boys. Talking a different story. I mean, you're on your way home from where the fuck ever. If I'm coming back from the club or something like that, I'm picking her up. But I'm picking her up. If I'm drunk, well, you shouldn't do that. But if I'm walking, walking home drunk. No, think. If you walk out of the club and it's like, none of those bitches put out this. Hey, what's up, naked lady?

What? It's flapping in the wind. Yeah. But you got to imagine that it's probably going to be more harm than anything. Yeah, you're definitely making that situation worse. That's the thing I said this morning. I'm not really addicted to a lot of shit, but making terrible choices, I'm really good at. You know what I'm saying? Professional. Yeah, that's what we do best. Yeah. I would never assume that coming from a man that's wearing...

as earrings. This is solid 24 karat gold. A nice young lady gave me this. She had great nails too. I fell heavy today. I'm not even fucking with you. I fell heavy today. That ain't your regular paper. What's wrong with your ears, Eli? A little. Yeah.

Gold earrings are good. She gave it to me as like... But that was silver. Yeah. I'm poor ass over there. Well, it turns my skin green. Silver does? Yeah, silver does. Yeah, I'm allergic to it. Those are actually real gold. Little known fact, one pound of gold is actually heavier than one pound of silver. You know why? Because it's a different... It's measured in a different metric. God damn, boys, look at us. We're learning today. Matt is like...

What? He's hitting us with the tisms. He puts his hands up all the time when he's thinking. He goes... That's literally... If his fingers ain't moving, he ain't thinking. That's what I'm saying.

Another fun fact here. I learned this the other day when I was tripping mushrooms. Is this an actual fact or did you just see this? I looked it up after the fact because it was bothering me. Well, you know when like a weatherman says there's going to be a 30% chance of rain? That 30% is the area. The area of which is going to get rain, not the percentage of it going to rain. I never knew that. And some woman told me that. I'm dead ass serious. I had to look it up on my phone on mushrooms. And I don't know if you've been on your phone on mushrooms. Not a good place to be. But I had to fucking know right then and there. Being on my phone on mushrooms.

- Yeah, exactly. - Be on your phone while you're fucking in eBay. - Anywhere is a bad place to be. - Please come back! You know what I'm saying? - Alcohol, mushrooms, whatever.

Or edibles on that point. Yeah, the bare measure. It's the bare measure. And you're like, what the fuck? I thought it was 30%. Also. The same thing. And it fucked me up. And then she also said, as I told her, I don't want to get on my phone to look this up because being on your phone on mushrooms sucks. Yeah, of course. But she's also like, do you know why that is? I was like, no, Merlin, but I'm sure you're going to fucking tell me. Hit me with the facts. She goes, because in the simulation that we live in, the mushrooms unlock our minds. That's what she said to me, bud. That's what she said to me.

- Is this the homeless woman you like? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She had nice nails, but it wasn't a homeless chick. - Okay, okay. - She's just a nice young lady, but boy, she was annoying on mushrooms. That was a terrible trip. But she's like, because of the simulation we live in, the mushrooms unlocked our brain from the simulation and our phone is the evil mechanism of the simulation. And I was kind of like, shut the fuck up and go home. What are you talking about?

Well, for 8,000 years, we didn't have these motherfuckers. Yeah, what did we do then? What did we do then? Well, the Industrial Revolution Renaissance happened. I'm just saying. Wait, wait, wait. Here we go. Here we go. Fuck our phones. Yeah.

How long until we can fuck our phones? Like actually though. Hey, you know about the VR shit though that you can like, so cause I, well, I know. So listen here, boys, they're coming out. I was reading about it. Cause a boy, when I was at the rig, like for Christmas, before I quit my job in December, he bought one of the Oculus headsets. He's like, dude, have you seen the VR porn? And he showed me some VR porn. I was like, that's not, he goes, he goes, but check this out. He goes, they make this little, it looks like a fucking Roomba.

And it's like, it's like a fucking pocket pussy, but it mimics exactly what the woman's doing on the VR headset. To the motion, to the tightness, all that shit. Dude, I was born 20 years too early. Me too, bud.

Me too. I was either born 20 years too late or 20 years too early. This in-between time we live in right now. It's crazy, bro. It's fucking. I remember having it. We had to jerk off from stuff on dial-up internet. Bro, do you remember watching the photo come down in your eyes? It didn't start with our three days. Why is there an ass in the air first? Starts at your forehead. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. By that time... Yeah, you're already done. You're already done. We're an hour into this. Upstairs here...

use the phone god damn it that's the worst dude i can take that titty out you see the top of the tip like no nip just the top of your tip like good enough just areola just the top of the red you're just yeah it is and that's crazy back in the day man i will say i think back on that of how easy you just get horned up i could see a fucking like a barbie which has nothing of a

Oh, yeah. That'll work. That's enough. I put the Barbie and the Kindle together. What a treat that was. You know what I'm saying? I got to plug it in. What a treat. And now it can be like, I'm at that age, especially at 38. Yeah. And you're 38? He's Asian. You look good for 38. No, he's Asian. Stop it. Don't you dare. Are you Asian? Asian. Look at him. Got the Asian gene. See, I'm colorblind, and I don't see race either. I thought he was Mexican. That's what I'm talking about.

I'm mad. I'm colorblind. All I smelt was Mexican. I know you need to smell. But I think that makes that joke way better. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. This little burrito is in the air. Smell the burrito. I'm upset. But at that age, you're just like, eh. And then all the hoggers are like, what's up? At my age, I'm like, that's a lot of work.

Versus like 16 year old Eli, a Barbie doll. Yeah. My dick's hard as shit. Yeah. A stiff breeze back then would get me going. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But now, dude, now the only time I get like extremely horny and I don't know when the fuck this started happening. It had to have been something when, you know, around the pandemic and stuff, but

Like, dude, y'all remember ever being like where you get hung over and the next day you'd be the most fucking horny you'd ever been in your entire life? There's a fine media. I know what you're talking about. Dude, it's like, I feel like death, like 17 tequilas damn near took me out. But now if my phone vibrates too close to my fucking leg, like I'm hot. Dude, I was making a sandwich, no lie. And I dropped fucking mayonnaise on my fucking inner thigh and I jerked off right there in the kitchen with the mayonnaise. Yeah.

And then I put it back. The cum or the mayonnaise? The mayonnaise. The cum you're just like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going back. You need the jar. Yeah, you need the whole jar. Yeah. Incredible. Dude, the head hurt. Mine is, my head hurts really bad after like a hangover. Which J-O? Yeah, which. Your head hit? Oh, both. Okay. Incredible. But when you're J-O-ing, when you have that bad. He says J-O-ing. He can't say jerk off.

I don't know why. I've never heard any money. You've never heard any money? I've never heard J-O. Yeah, that was a new one to me too. Yeah, this is some Eli lore for you. Okay, this is the, what's it, J-O? J-O. I get it now. That's great. Shorten it down. Now you'll start using it. You won't say piss either. You'll say pee-pee though. Yeah, you got to go pee-pee. That's fine. I've spent a bunch of god damn time around you. I don't like this. I'm making myself uncomfortable. He doesn't like bologna.

That's good. So what, did you ever work out Midland Odessa area? Yeah. So that's, um, I started, I started, uh, in like Fort Worth area and then went to South Texas. I did some time in, uh,

and Pennsylvania and then North Dakota. But the past six years I've been out in a like Hobbs, New Mexico, Jal Hobbs area. Like they had rigs in Midland, but the company I worked for was like, yo, if we put you that close to town, you're going to be at the bar every

night, which was good on them because it probably saved my job. Because where I was, the closest convenience store was an hour and a half one way. Really? Yeah. So like there was no even point because you have to work a 12 hour day. You stay 12 hours on location in trailer house. And by the time you drive, it's a three hour trip. And it's just like you have to get all your groceries prior to going out there. And what the fuck? What do you fucking do?

Other than jerk off. Dude, it's prison. It's prison, but with better windows. You know what I'm saying? Like they have like a little gym for you out there. And pay. The pay was great. Yeah, that's the only, I didn't do it for my health. That's for damn sure. You know what I mean? But yeah, it's literally where dreams go to die. So, I mean, dude, there was a couple sites I was on where like about 100 miles away, that's where they used to test nuclear bombs underground in the 50s.

and shit like that. Oh, no shit. There was a one place you could go. There's a band. That's why this looks so good, right? Literally, it's fucking been altered. Yeah, it's radioactive. It's beautiful. I appreciate it. I got like a shitty knockoff one because it just goes back. No, I like that. You got the Viking strip. That's it. Dude, yours is fucked.

So the bottom is a perm, right? And the top, the top is, I just, honestly, boys, I woke up this morning. I'm running late because I'm a piece of shit. So I'm like, I can't shower. So I got this curl cream. Because like all these girls that day, they all got hair and skin. Oh, I got curl cream, bro. I got curls. I put a little bit of that and I hit it and it just morphs. And I'm like, yo, why the fuck would I do this sooner? I've only had this for about two years.

And I love it. Like, dude, from right here with that spectator. Halo just hitting you. Can you see yourself on that monitor? I can't. I'm not going to look. I'm not going to look. It's a way better setup than I got. Giorgio, I need to get these cameras and this lighting, bud. Son of a gun. I'm just catching the light off of it. Fuck, dude. I'm killing it. I bet there's still stripper glitter in there from the Scotchdale.

Let me tell you. Let me tell you. I'm going to tell you. Yeah. Chicks at 4 a.m. Please. I'm going to be honest with y'all here. Like I've seen a lot of shit in my day, but, uh, you know, this has got it. This has got to take the cake. So I flew in a day early and my show was on Friday and I flew in Thursday and a club promoter,

You know, he reached out. He's like, yo, I think your shit's fucking funny. Come hang out with me and my boy. They own a bunch of clubs and nightclubs and shit down there. So they take us out to a nice dinner with like 40 like Instagram only fan models, girls. And it's like 40 of them chicks. It's like me, him, and like two other buddies. And like we go to this nice place called City Hall. It's

They get seafood towers by the dozen. We're all yayed out, so we're not eating. Nobody's eating. He's been ever. How much money on that? Nobody's hungry, you know? But we go back to their bar, make an appearance. We just do kind of, you know, meet and greet shit, whatever. Well, we go back to this house party, and we literally go to this house party. There's this badass pool, middle of the desert. This DJ comes in. He's playing EDM music. All these women are there. And then I see...

Now, listen here. I don't know. Do you guys know what the term boofing is? Yes. Are you familiar? Oh, yeah. Hold on. Wait, what the fuck's a boofing? Let's explain to you. So boofing is when someone blows some sort of substance in another person's butthole. Right? That's boof. Up the ass. Up the ass. Okay. Now, I have seen and witnessed this before, but in my neck of the woods, in the place that I frequent, the chicks that are doing this are boofing.

sewer sixes at best you know what i'm saying lower caliber some trash sixes trash pandas if you would you know what i'm saying they're just doing they're doing whatever they can for a little bit of some shekel or a coin you know what i'm saying so i i get it shekels oh my god but i'm gonna be honest with you boys i i witnessed what i can only describe as a fox she was a 10 all the way beautiful young lady probably in her late 20s early 30s she's flawless

And she took one of them boys and he asked and she's like, Oh, I've done it before. And she lays him down. And first off too, she pulls on his pants and this boy's got the best bottom of a human being I've ever seen. Little baby's butt, not a speck of hair on it. I'm like, how old are you? And he's like, I'm 30. I'm like, how? You know what I'm saying? Like, and so I'm like, all right. He's one of those weird freaks that doesn't have a, like a brown butthole. It's just like, Oh, he's bleached. He's done work. It's like this. I didn't look too hard in there, but she, you took a look though. I look, I mean,

I took a gander. I took a gander. I get it. She surgically spread his butthole like this, like pulled it apart. And she looked at me in the eyes. She goes, put some on there. And I took my little bag that I had just gotten, my fresh gram, and I put like a bump or so on there. And she looked at me dead in the eyes with a stern fucking face. And she goes, all of it.

Put all of it on there. So I emptied a gram of on this girl's, on this dude's butthole. And she pulled out a glass straw in her makeup bag about yay long. And she blew it in one, like she was blowing out birthday candles. Right in there. Went all in there. And then she kissed the tip of it. Like kiss of death. Like little chef's kiss. And that dude stayed up for three days. What?

And it was the most incredible thing I think I've ever witnessed in my entire life. Are you telling that story? I'm picturing the Raiders of the Lost Ark. He's getting ready to, she's like, she's like, she's like, oh man, she's like, and her face is like, and it just starts mumbling. I'm thinking of a different part of the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Oh, okay. You know, he's getting ready to switch the idols. She's got, she's like, do it. He's like, do it.

But it's cocaine and a butthole. But it's cocaine and a butthole. And then the large rock chases you. Well, yeah, you got to run away from the rock after, but it's in your ass, so you can't escape. And there's like 15 people in this room watching this go down. And I'm just like, is this normal? And they go, yeah, this happens every night. And I go, what the fuck kind of place is this? What in the motherfucker?

Fuck. Every fucking hotel, every apartment complex is a cabana style Vegas pool party. That is very much Scottsdale. I will say that is very true. I am flabbergasted. I'm blown away. This is the only place I've been since I've been touring.

that I was like, yo, I would actually move here. I'd move out of Austin and go. Oh, yeah, it's beautiful. But I just, I know the whole way I felt the entire weekend. I was like, I have to go home. If I do not go home, I will die. Because I don't have self-control. I'm like, let's go. Yeah, let's go. I don't, you know. You just talked about buffooning or buff, buff. Buffing. Let's call it buffooning, though. I do like that. I do like that. You ever J-O'd or buffooning? Dude, I'm telling you. Incredible. You ever grow up buffooning?

Oh, well, my sweet child come hither. Yeah, she looked at me. She goes no all of it and I go All of it well, I wouldn't know what I want to know would that man's face look like in that moment hearing the car

Yeah, yeah. But dude, like, what could he really say? Because like, I mean, if it's a trash pan or something, he's like, girl, get away from me. But like this, this chick's like gorgeous, like gorgeous. And he's just like,

okay. Like, you know, he didn't know. He's like, yeah. So I mean, hell, whether that is a nice asshole. Is that what you said? I was like, no, I literally go, Hey man, I'm gonna be honest with you. That's one of the best butts I've ever seen on a human being. I said, I don't quite know. How do you not have hair down there? Bubs? And he's just like, I just don't grow it nowhere, but on my face, I said, incredible, incredible.

Because, dude, if I... I can't even wipe my ass sometimes. It gets all caught up in there. I know. It's a fucking... Brillo pad. Yeah. It's basically a tortilla pad. I get it. Yeah. It's bad, bro. Batty, remember that time I was searching for hot anime dolphins? I hate when I'm online searching up hot anime dolphins. Me too. It's the most embarrassing thing. You know what? Sometimes you're like...

Just use incognito mode. I always use incognito mode. That's safe, right? Until the government knocks on your door. Trust me. And that's why I use ExpressVPN.

It doesn't matter who your internet service provider is. That's ISP. In the US can legally tell your information to ad companies. They can sell everything you have, even on incognito mode. That's stupid. They know they're listening. They're watching. They don't care if you're secret. ExpressVPN is an app that reroutes your internet connection through their secure service so your ISP can't see the sites you visit.

No more dolphin stuff. ExpressVPN also keeps all your information secure by encrypting 100% of your data with the most powerful encryption available. Most of the time, I don't even realize I have ExpressVPN on. It runs seamlessly in the background. It's so easy to use. All you have to do is tap one button and you're...

ExpressVPN is available on all your devices, phones, computers, or even your smart TV. - It's actually kind of helpful because I actually have used it. It's a Chrome extension, you just boop. It's just like how you have Adblock or anything like that. You can just boop, turn it on. But hey, now you can safely search the internet. Look up your disgusting, disgusting,

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- Good. - I'm hairy, bro. I'm not Asian. I don't know who you are. Look at my face everywhere. - Yo, but let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. Just 'cause I did date a redheaded girl when I worked in Ohio. - Yep. - But she was like, she was real red, like orange red, like with the freckles and stuff. And I can tell you don't have a lot of freckles. - My face isn't. - Really? - Shoulders, my chest, covering freckles. - Her pubic hair was not black. It was red. - Yeah.

That's a real thing. 100%. That's crazy. Yep. That's fucking crazy. From the ears. I'm down red. I mean, I'm just saying. I mean, look at the arm hair. Yeah, and I'm just saying. But most, because I've got, when I was a baby, I had like Q-tip blonde hair, like white blonde hair. My pubic hairs are black. You know what I'm saying? So I just thought, man, that's got to be redheads too, but it's not. Carpet matches and drapes are firing a hole right on top.

Ears down, brother. Red. Because my hair is brown. Yeah, your hair is darker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ears down. It's just, yeah. I mean, it makes sense. I'm trying to think now. I'm like, what is all the pubes I've seen? There's been a lot. It's been one or two. One. A pube or so. I've seen five pubes. What was it like in the 90s, Eli? I don't know.

I was like, I don't even remember. I'm so old. How old are you? I'm 32. Okay. So, okay. Yeah, it's the same age. Yeah, absolutely. So, you were smart. You didn't join the military. You're like, fuck this shit. No, I went even somewhere worse. The oil field. I know. But you made way better money. You didn't make money. But goddamn, the only reason you make so much is because you're out there for 70 to 100 days at a time. You can't spend it on anything. No.

No. But then that's when like you get off. That's why the military was good. Unfortunately, sometimes you could spend it on things like Camaros or high APRs. Oh, I mean, yeah, yeah. Or you got no credit. Yeah, you got no credit. You're just... Yeah, but like that's the thing. Everybody would buy shit cash, but you've... The one thing that you could always see because it all goes in trends, especially when like a new... Someone comes into office, like they switch from Democrat to Republican, like oil gets affected by that shit, right? So...

These guys, when times are booming, they're not saving their money. They're fucking spinning on side-by-sides for all the toys. You know what I'm saying? And then when the oil field slows down, people start getting laid off. And you see these things on Craigslist. Or, hey, I got this buddy's in a bind. He gives you it for fucking 50% off just to get out from under it. Like, yeah, dude, it's wild. So, yeah, it's... They're all degenerates out there. Oh, 100%. Most of them are convicts. But some of the greatest people I've ever met in my life out there. Man, what am I... My boat! Oh!

They fucked me. I had to get rid of my boat. You live in Midland. There is not a goddamn lake. But when it rains, though, it looks beautiful in my driveway. It's just credential downpour out there, dude. It floods. But I remember this dude tried to sell me his four-wheeler that he just wanted to get rid of, but he didn't have the key for it. He didn't have the key for it. But the whole ignition thing, he said, you got to start with wires. I said, you stole that fucking thing, dude. Don't, you know, come on, man. First off...

I did not. We can get a key made for it. We are good to go. You are a hundred percent happy. God, how much nerd shit do you do? Are you like, yeah, I'm going to know like you game. Do you fuck? Yeah. I used to game. So one of the comics I live with right now, he is,

fucking just enamored with Dungeons & Dragons right now. And they're on like a seven-month campaign. Wearing a Dungeons & Dragons t-shirt. And like, look. We're starting our... So that's... So look, I'm not like... The role-playing aspect just for creative like nature and stuff like that. Improv. It's improv. It helps with comedy and shit, right? But he is like to the point where like...

They go every Sunday and they spend like eight hours fucking doing it. And like this morning, this mother... The reason I was late because he woke me up at like nine. He's like, dude, he didn't get home till like two in the morning. He's supposed to catch a flight to New Orleans. He's like, dude, I...

they changed my fight. I go, no, dude, you over fucking slept. I need you to take me to the airport now. Luckily, we only live like 15 minutes from the airport. I got in there on time, but I was like, dude, don't let Dungeons and Dragons get your job now. You know what I'm saying? Don't chase that dragon. But I watched the Dungeons and Dragons movie the other day.

So good. Dude, great fucking movie, actually. So good. Long as fuck. Long as fuck, but great movie. And like, what really pissed me off is like, I was like, look, we need to have a little friend bonding. Let me watch the Dungeons and Dragons movie with you. You know, maybe I'll have a little better understanding.

We got halfway through it and it got late. So we like, we're watching the morning. Well, I wake up morning, go to the gym. I get back. He's already finished it. And I was like, you piece of shit. Okay. This is every argument. Every dude's had with his girlfriend forever. When she falls asleep and you finish the show and you get ahead three episodes. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck you. You fell asleep.

No, but we didn't fall asleep. We were just like, yo, it's late. He's like, yeah, we got to get up and do shit in the morning. We mutually agreed to go to bed at the same time. And then this cocksucker was like, hey, man, I actually watched it all. I had to make sure there wasn't any bad parts in there, man. I had to make sure no nip slips or anything. I didn't want to get in the car.

between us as we watch. Okay. - But yeah, great movie. No, I used to, I mean, I played like, dude, I can't remember how many times my grandma died in high school and I stayed home and just played goddamn Skyrim and slaying dragons all day.

I mean, my grandma died like nine times. I literally got Aldo in the world. Oh, I didn't even notice that. On the wall. Did you see the, what is it? The stargazer or Stargate? The new one that they're coming out with. It's in space. Oh no. Starfield. Starfield. Starfield. Absolutely. Yeah. That one looks like it's going to be later this year. Yeah. It's supposed to come out. I thought it was. Oh yeah. No, I know. Early to 2024. Okay. Badass. I know a lot of the sports games now. I love FIFA.

I'm great at FIFA. I used to play a lot of FIFA back in my day. Yeah, I love it. Oh, man. I used to play for money and shit all the time, like online, all kinds of shit. That's the most betting is in the sports world. I've never seen how much betting is crazy. Dude, the level of betting. Because League of Legends, you have these world championship games, which...

are massive compared to like nba 2k nfl 2k fifa 2k they're big they're giant games yeah they don't compare to like league of legends yeah league of legends but but but you get to see how much money people put into the nfl 2k and you're like and i remember i remember when i it was like i was right out of high school and i was playing it and playing it for money and stuff and it was

right? When like, you know, being online and playing online, like Halo. It was still new, but it was still there. But I remember I'd come up with this concept. I'm sure it's done now, but like, I was like, dude, what if there was a way you set it up with your PayPal and you play this person and you have a wager of

against them online like electronically but then but then all the shit with people cheating like on the fucking aim scope thing oh yeah because then you never know what you're fucking up against but you play someone like rated and you're because we do the fifa online online teams the seasons you play something in your division that's similar to your attributes and skill level so i'm like yo if you were to have that matchmaking you know what i'm saying so i mean maybe something like that would have been cool but i think it's already been done now or at least i don't think it has because it

So there's a lot of things. But there's a log because it's gambling. It's gambling. So there are like in-game currencies and in-game stuff you can do. But I remember something with on that on FIFA 2 with the in-game stuff. Like in order to buy the better players to create and build your team, you know, you want guys that are from either the same like league, like the Premier League, or they're from the same country. So they have chemistry together. Yeah.

So guys would build their teams around that. But like some of these bigger name players, they cost a fuck ton of them coins. Well, someone figured out how to hack this shit a couple years ago and was like, if you paid him like fucking $100 on PayPal, he'd fucking transfer you like a million coins. Oh, yeah. I remember this is a thing. I remember reading an article about it. It was like,

That's a huge problem. I mean, even games, you go back to like MMOs, like World of Warcraft, things like that. Gold farming, like a way, like a clash of clans. Literally, dude, the game I play on stream, I play a game called Escape from Tarkov. It's a shooter based on in Russia. And the whole premise of that game is surviving these fights and making money. People found a way to

farm money from these games by like finding the in-game items that are worth the most making money and they'll just give you the money after. - And they sell it. They're like, hey, buy through this. - Gold farming, buying in-game currencies has been the bane of online gaming. - Yeah.

Like Diablo 3 for me. That was what I did. I used to do that in Diablo 3. Yeah, well, I mean, so EQ for when I grew up was 99 to 2003. God, you were so fucking old. I know, 99 to 2003. You were playing like Pong and shit. Well, yeah, pretty much. It was like, and we sell those Pong balls for so much. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Award winning pong ball. No, we'd have, you just level up the character and that would go for a grand no matter what. Yeah, you sell off your character, right? Yeah. Because in 99, 2000, grand for me in high school, it's a good chunk of change. That's an insane amount of money thinking about it. Yeah. Inflation back then wasn't near as well. Bro, I remember when I was in high school, I'd make 200 bucks back in high school. I'd be like,

Oh yeah. Like that's so much money to take that and go to. So I lived in Vermont growing up and there's nothing around. Beautiful. Beautiful. There's nothing to do when you're fucking 70, 18. It's like North Dakota. Nothing. Well, so we, we, you know, you'd work and then we'd go to Montreal two hours north of us in Canada with the drinking age of 18. And they got all the beautiful women in there. Oh, the strip clubs, all the shit in Canada. And we'd take our $200 paychecks and we,

go blow every bit of it every weekend in Montreal. But back then too, because what year was that? 2008, 2009. Was it? Because I remember when I was little in the 90s, we go to the Scholastic Book Fair and you always buy the books, but you see in American, it was like $9.99 and then in Canada, Canada money, it was like $13.99. But I guess their dollar was stronger back then, but since then it's switched. Like your dollar goes a lot further. Much more.

in Canada now than it used to. So, yeah. But yeah, I've worked at fucking Office Depot for a little while in high school and 200 bucks and you go get a $9 bottle of McCormick's plastic vodka and be set for the weekend. Burnettes? Oh, buddy. Burnettes? And now that alcohol, if I smell it, it just brings back those terrible memories of throwing up in a cornfield trying not to die. And I just like, I can't.

I can't fucking, I do it. Cotton, cotton and corn, baby maze. They call it maze where I'm from. Oh no. For me, it was always some neighbors, some poor neighbor. We didn't know his porch. That was, Oh yeah. I woken up in somebody's house. I didn't know. Like, Oh man. Oh,

downtown burlington see everybody in my small town they're pretty cool everybody's moms were all pretty much alcoholics anyway so they'd let you come over and get fucked up and drink they just would take your keys they were responsible yeah i functioned that's how we did we know you're gonna drink you know you're gonna do it do it here leave your shit somewhere we're like don't be stupid and that was cool up until old freddie c shit all over my mom's fucking couch and we could never have people over after

Fuck you, Freddie C. Yeah, fuck you, Freddie. He shit on. He shit, threw up, pissed himself, just got, you know. Freddie, what are you doing? He died a couple years later. You got to hit back, Freddie. That makes sense. No, that's better. It's probably better that way. Yeah. Fuck you, Freddie. He's watching this podcast episode at the Pearl of Gates. He's like, that was mean.

He was saying Pete didn't know about this. Yeah, yeah. His poppy's like, wait, Freddy! Hold on! Whoa! You were so close to going to heaven. This is the one. Yeah, this is the one. We just say it for an eternity of suffering. Sir Laser just ratted you out. He's like, no!

He just disappears from the clouds. Thankfully, it's only for eternity you suffer, Freddie. Go fuck yourself. No, you would, man. Cornfields growing up and I grew up in Indiana for a majority. So I had Midland and then Indiana. Indiana is nothing but cornfields, getting drunk, all that. And then I lived in the podunk town.

the most podunked down that's the best vermont's yeah i guess dude it's all of them still looks poor i look at croppardsville even now like when i go with like two weeks ago i was just journeying through my old house that i grew up in i was like on the street google wheel switched the camera over to the house like fuck i was super poor that is 700 square feet for seven people

What the fuck? Yeah. Nuts. Yeah. But you made it work. Like back then you didn't know anything else. No. You know what I'm saying? To me, like I finally got my own room when I was like,

13 or 14. I thought that was, I was like, we made it. Yeah. I got to share a fucking bedroom with somebody that we made it, you know? So, yeah. And you're on top. You're like, fuck it. As you said, we made it. And then going through, like, as you're, as you're saying, it's, you look back at your old life, like a 700 square feet for seven people. And then we got a bigger house. Yeah. Look at the square footage of that house. And you're like,

man, I thought that house was gigantic. I could have put my childhood houses in probably like the living room. The living room, literally. Like some of them were that, in areas that tight. And another thing too, when you grow up that way, like that, like you don't forget the taste of shit. Like I love Spam.

Like a spam sandwich? I love spam! Don't leave me hanging! Dude, some fried spam? I literally just got spam the other day. There's a place, if you get a chance and you're in San Antonio, called Hot Joids downtown. They're like an Asian Hawaiian tiki bar. Oh, I already love it. Fusion neon lights. They have a spam fried rice. Money. It's good.

You don't forget that taste. And they're like, some girl the other day was like, why the fuck are you eating that? I was like, I like the way it tastes. I still have spam to this day. Yeah, I do too. Little beanie weenies, little cocktail weenies out of a can. I fucking hate those goddamn things. Dude. Fish sticks, I fucking despise. Tuna fish casserole, we lived on that shit. I love tuna fish casserole. Dude, fish sticks. Spinach casserole. I hate spinach casserole to this day because I ate so much of it growing up. Fish sticks don't make me feel good. You can't leave the table to your friends.

- I'm gonna finish it. Guess what, I'm sitting here till fucking 2:00 AM and so are you, Bob! - See, dude, that's what--

that's why you have trouble sleeping now dude because i got the tremors dude that salmon patties and fish sticks were like my honey the day of my existence i look at this now i'm like no okay what was your go-to poor people food it was spam dude spam chicken and rice we're like okay chicken a good day with chicken and rice but spam we had and now you go to the grocery store and you see how many versions of spam there is it's

Like the jalapeno spam. I don't know if you've had it. There's jalapeno spam? Oh my God. I haven't had that one. Why didn't you let me try jalapeno spam, Mom? Eli, do you know this episode was brought to you by Manscaped? Eli? Looks like the carpet does match the drapes.

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Shave your balls while you save your balls. Support a good cause and go over to manscaped.com and use code UNSUB to get 20% off plus free shipping. Homies trim each other's balls. Eli, did you know one guy every hour, every day is diagnosed with testicular cancer? That's ball cancer. I did not know that. That's terrifying. This is a reminder for you and all you men out there.

Check your golden nuggets. Do you know how to check for ball cancer? Well, that's easy. When you're in that shower, get that water nice and warm. Give those little nuts a little play with. Who doesn't like playing with the balls?

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manscaped.com. I repeat, go to manscaped.com and use code UNSUB to get 20% off and free shipping. Make sure you go out there and tell your buddies to go check their balls or check them for them. Check your boys and check your boys' boys. Check your boys' boys. Check your boys' boys. That's the new saying. It's just check your boys' boys. Now the spicy spam is the only one that makes me shit my brains out because I found that one. You let me shit my brains out every day. I know, but you got crumbs?

Yo, I have like whatever everything. Yeah, he probably does. I shit like 16 times a day. Anything I eat. I'm dead ass serious. I'm dead ass serious. Yeah. I'm with you too. I look at milk. I'm like, I got a poop and I go poop. Like, yeah, I can drink water. Here we go. Yeah. Eating at restaurants is such a bitch because you're like, okay, well, maybe shit four times. That's only three, but they're bad. It's a bad three. Yeah.

I'll do the four. Do you remember when it started happening though? Do you remember like late twenties? See mine too. Like I, but I, I, I think I've narrowed it down. I think I know why. Mine was Iraq. Oh yeah. Burn pits. Yeah. But dude, growing up, like when I started getting into like partying and drugs or whatever, my mom was like bigot in the eighties. She was like, she used to fuck Alex, Alice Cooper and like all kinds of shit. She was like, my mom, I used to party party. And

And she like always would tell me. Oh, damn. When I started like doing every now and again, she's like, yo, she's like, you need to eat it. You don't need to snort it so you can breathe in the morning.

So I would eat cocaine all the time instead of snorting it. I think that's what fucked my stomach up. To this day, I'm pretty sure that's what did that. Yeah, boys, I don't know if y'all know who you're having on, but I'm a piece of shit. Well, first off, your mom's giving you advice. You should eat cocaine. Yeah. She goes, here, take this big bump in your mouth. Dad, why didn't you tell me I eat cocaine? Great woman. Her name's Letitia. I love her. Love you, mom. Ah!

Go to poor people food. Dude, SpaghettiOs. Hell yeah. Money. I used to eat the fuck out of canned sardines.

The little fishes. What? Yeah, when my mom and dad divorced, I remember we'd go to the fucking Berkshire Brothers or Budget Chopper or whatever the fuck. The Piggly Wiggly? The Piggly Wiggly. And my dad would stock up on cans of sardines. And he'd be like, oh, y'all want a little snack? Here, come get a little snack. And you'd pull up the shitty copper top that would cut your hand. Yeah, and we would just fucking take a little fork and eat them little sardines. Throw them on pizzas? I loved them. Would he throw them on pizzas? I never put them on pizzas. My dad would. I know a lot of people did that, but.

I never did. But the SpaghettiOs and the off-brand SpaghettiOs. Well, yeah. It was the store brand. Yeah, the store brand. For me, up in Vermont, it was the Haniford's brand. Okay. Like Sam's Choice Cola or some shit like that. Have you ever tried tomato O-rings? That's all it says is just tomato O-rings. You're like, yeah, look at those. We got the new alphabet O-rings. You're like, yeah. Kaboom.

- That's my name, Kaboom. - Or cereal in a bag. - Yes, cereal in a bag. - But like a special treat, like have it like once every two months, my mom would do chicken and dumplings, but she-- - And cocaine. - And cocaine. After we get done eating cocaine,

But she'd take the Pillsbury biscuits that you would make in the morning and she'd roll those, hand roll them, and that would be the dumpling. Okay. My grandpa had a bunch of chickens, so we'd kill a chicken, fucking de-feather. I don't know if you ever...

I've seen it. It was incredible. It's fucking, it's a weird process, but cut the chicken up. It's not peaceful. No, but she cut it all hand up, dude. And it was, she made her own broth with it. It was good. It was good as fuck. So we're poor with mom, but all the women back then knew how to cook. Dude, my mom. You know what I'm saying? My mom was like a heart. She was a high, she was like a high functioning alcoholic. She'd go to work every day and she'd come home every night. It was the cocaine. It probably, well, yeah, maybe so. Hell yeah. I didn't even think about that, but. Honey, how you doing? You want chicken?

I made it from... She'd be on them fucking bush lights and come in there and she'd be cooking her fucking ass off, dude. She was a bush lighter girl. Not a student of theirs? No, she just did the bush lights and she smoked the Carlton 100s or the Virginia Slim. Oh, yeah, yeah. Virginia Slim.

Virginia Slims, buddy. Is your mom still alive? Yeah. So we have a different childhood. Yeah, she just... Here we go! He pulled that card on me, dude. He does in every fucking episode. Every episode I talk about my dead mother. Rest in peace. And I'm laughing during this episode.

No, but Virginia Slims? Yeah, Virginia Slims. Like the fucking drinking booze? It tastes like fucking cardboard. You know what I'm saying? You never smoked them, huh? So I remember selling them to every elderly white woman in Vermont. The thin-ass laws. Give me the 100s. Like, you smoking a pencil? It's like this fucking long, that thin, little straw-looking motherfucker. Hey, honey. Hey, baby. Y'all's moms ever have a...

I know it might have been just an old lady Southern thing, but like my mom had a leather, like little thing that had these two buttons you press. It was a cigarette, like cigarette holder. Like it held her cigarettes in this little leather bag. She put that in her purse instead of carrying around the box. Whoa, bro. No, so I've seen them. I know exactly what you're talking about. Mine couldn't afford that. It was a gift. A hand-me-down. Oh, you're not like eight generations. Yeah, we had eight generations of cigarette holders. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah. She's going to give it to you. My great-great-great-grandpappy made this from the hide of a boar. He killed in the woods. Now, you give it to the lady you love, sweetie. Listen here, baby. I don't have a ring to give you, but, you know. Here's my grandmammy's fucking cigarette holder. God. From England. It's just been handed down generations. Generations, dude. Smells like the Civil War. You know what I'm saying? It's just incredible. Smells like the Civil War.

I can smell the racism. Yeah, dude. Very thick. You open it, it says the South will rise again. You know what I'm saying? Like something like that. It's got a cross. Yeah, dude. You open it, it's like beep.

we can't, that's going to get me canceled on Twitter. I'm going to put that case away right now. Dude, I was talking to him earlier. I like, I don't really, I'm not too active on Twitter. I didn't write Twitter is a fuck. You can do whatever on there. Oh yeah. The worst and best place on the internet because it is truly. And even before Elon, it was, it was like this. It really was. Cause I've been using Twitter for a while. I enjoy Twitter. I do really good on Twitter.

but lately it has been such a cesspool of whatever. You don't even know what you're going to see anymore. Like you'll be scrolling and I hate to even bring it up, but the latest trend on Twitter that people have been doing is they're posting animals getting killed. Ah,

Bro, it's... You didn't tell me about this. Pet animals are like nature. See, I can't do the pets. I can't do the pets. I like when a lion takes down a gazelle or something majestic. Nature's fucking cool. Whatever. But fucking someone killing a dog or a cat, I can't fucking do that. Dude, it's literally like, if you haven't seen it, don't search for it. It's mostly hopefully taken care of. People were doing animals in blenders.

Oh, man. Dude. Fuck. Dude, Twitter has turned... What the fuck? Because Twitter did a new thing with like every video auto plays. So you just be scrolling and even worse, Twitter was auto filling searches. So you'd be like, oh, I want to see a cat and be like cat. And then it would auto fill your search for you after that. And it was just...

Dude, it was bad. It's all Twitter. Unfortunately, it's turned into the wild west because because the things that get the most engagement, not necessarily good engagement, the most engagement starving are controversial posts. Well, it's figuring out the AI to base it because right now it's all algorithmic. Terrible day. I got divorced. I just want to see some kittens. Kitten.

Oh, God. Literally, dude. And then you're just like, hey, because AI, I'm assuming that's what they're doing and now they're going to walk in. It's all algorithm based. Yeah, it's AI algorithm based. AI. That's fucking terrifying right now. Like, Twitter went from a place...

That was generally, you know, sure, porn was allowed there. That was kind of why it was cool, though, because OnlyFans creators or people who were more in that rated R section could post things there. Fuck, beep out that OF. Yeah. Please. I don't know if that actually is against you. We've said cocaine 14 times, whatever. Oh, you can say that. Okay.

Okay, so keep that one. You just can't say the, like, pandemic stuff. That's where we get flagged the most. Well, that one we're actually. We're past it. Really? Yeah, we've done four episodes talking about it now. Now we're good. Because I honestly didn't even say pandemic because I didn't want y'all to have to. No, dude. I'm dead ass. Really? No. We're trying to fucking figure out. Almost out of our 105 episodes, we've had probably 15, 10 episodes.

But not in the last, the last few. Our last like 10, 20 have been totally clear. And we go hard. Like that's the no idea what's why it is. They're like, yeah, do whatever you want. And we're like, but we had a period of like 10 episodes where it was like, if we said the word pandemic, Corona, whatever, we bleeped it out and we started saying gingivitis. Oh, that's funny. We just, we just changed the word, but now it doesn't matter again. And then, um, uh, yeah,

Yeah. Oh, yeah. We still cannot talk. Yeah. We can't do that. The Ryan Reynolds or our favorite movie. Yeah. Can't say that. Really? No. Because it's a pool for who's going to leave. Oh, man. Dude, legit. We had to board everything we could because we're like, it's going to happen eventually. Who's it going to be? And I started deep diving. I was like, buddy, this is why we're getting flagged. And it was literally every episode we talked about that.

Because we were like, which one's going to happen? About our favorite Ryan Reynolds movie where he wears a red mask that we can't say anymore. It was like on my Facebook reels, I started popping off because my Instagram, TikTok's where I like initially blew up and it kind of came over to Instagram and it took me forever to get the Facebook one correct, but I figured I was nine by 16 on the reels and all that shit. I got it going and I was making like, dude, off of just

ad reel like ads on reels and shit alone i was making like eight grand a month and then i applied for that partner monetization where they like and once i did that they're super strict oh they stop cut you they stop doing everything and i went through all my videos and i found two that had like copyright music thing that i just had music in the background yeah and they were the only ones flagged so i took them off still no it's profanity i'll say like i'm gonna put your mom's lady parts in an absolute bind

And that is, I cannot make money on Facebook anymore. Dude, Facebook meta, that's why we don't even give two shits. We haven't done even, I think we have a Facebook account. Haven't made a single post. There's no point. Do you make money on Twitter like that with your reels and stuff like that? You can. So Twitter monetization has opened up. You used to be able to. I had subscriptions on Twitter for...

probably a six months or a year before the Elon change. Now they're opening up to a lot more people. Everybody's getting, you can get subscriptions on Twitter, but can you like, is it a creator monetization for videos? Yes. I don't know. Do you have to be invited to it? Like, cause you have to be invited to it on Instagram. Like the bonus reel.

Yes, but most people are getting it. Yeah, they got rid of that. Well, they got rid of the bonus real thing on Facebook. And IG now. Did they? Okay, well, fuck. Facebook, so what were they doing? Well, I guess I'm going to create one of those, you know, OFs. YouTubes and one of those OFs. I actually got hit up by a creator company that wants to run mine. Yeah, I mean, there's so... And this goes for all you fucking people out there.

people out there there's multiple ways online meta is the one i would not suggest for it's hard to make money every every meta like gaming streamer their contracts are about to expire you ain't gonna see any renewed guys guess what yeah bet is gaming y'all do pretty well on twitch you twitch that's my full-time job that's what i do like if we're not this i do twitch i know caleb caleb does the twitch and does and i was thinking about man get on that but because i

I just play on PlayStation 5. I don't have one of the big badass computers, but I used to mine crypto and I had a lot of 38. No shit! Yeah, I made a fuckton. I made off of one coin called Theta, which is like a utility token. It's for like...

Video streaming and like Theta TV and shit like that. I got in at like $1.40 and I sold it at like $15 prior to the AFC and then I made about $80K off of the AFC shit. No shit. I got in $9 on that and sold it at $61. Holy shit. But I used to actually mine Ethereum. Yeah, okay. I know Ethereum. I sold Bitcoin. We had a contract to buy 130 80s.

prior to the pandemic and i'm fucking glad we did not because at that time shit they were like it was popping off and then they dropped they were like 2200 a car and then they dropped way down yeah watch this reaction everyone i sold a hundred bitcoin or a thousand bit i had a thousand bitcoin i sold it for forty eight thousand dollars dude i would

Do you like living in Indiana? I mean, what in the fuck? I mean, but who was, there was one guy that sold. This is 2010, so we had no idea what it was going to become. I bought Bitcoin at $8.

So I had, we had no, we were just fucking with the currency at the time. We had no idea what it was going to be. Idea. The scale, any of that was going. So when we like, I made my 40 grand, I was like, fucking. You made it. Yeah. I was like, dog made it. And then it popped and then it dropped down to like five bucks. And we were like,

peace out called that shit hell yeah bros and then fast forward to i and i know i know the fucking moment because i can remember it fucking tim walking upstairs in my new roommate's house is like two years later walking up he's like you ever heard of bitcoin i was like yeah i have i fucking cashed out on the bitch he's like oh you got lucky how many coins i was like like a thousand he's like man it's at 750 dollars a coin right now i was like

Wait, pull up the news. What's the news say right now about Bitcoin? And they're like, and he pulled it up. He's like, it's $750. I was like, oh my, I got $48 is so much money. I thought it was so much money.

- Dude, it's the only time in my life where I was like, fuck! - I honestly wish I could have seen you in that moment. Oh man. - Dude, five-board and then 10 years later, it's like, it's 60 grand a coin. - Dude. - A coin. - Well, didn't someone like sell it for a pizza too?

A thousand? No, it was... They sold 2,000 Bitcoins for a single... Oh, no. It was 10,000. It was like 2,000 Bitcoins for a single pizza. Dude, this is back when... Fires Heaven, shout out to you beautiful people. This is his online forum. Yeah, this is where I learned about this shit back in 2009, 2010. So like Fadar and all these guys...

This is what everyone was talking about. They're like, yo, you heard of this fucking dumbass crypto? We just bought it. I was like, yo, fucking whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Again, this is like 13 years ago. So no one gave a fuck. No one knew what it was going to be. No. And then people are like, people are buying pizzas. Then you just fast forward a couple of years. Then you fast forward a decade. It's like,

I'm a dumb, dumb. This is the first time my soul's actually hurt in life. And it was, it's always going to hurt. This is the one. That's the, the, I goofed forever thought I super goofed. I don't, I didn't goof as much as losing the fucking hard drive because as Freddie says, Freddie's like, you made 40 grand, right? I was like, yeah. And it was a good time. I needed that 40 grand.

I don't know. Way like, like 40 million. Yeah. No, you're going to move to Scottsdale. Yeah. I'd have been like 40 mil way back. Yeah. No, one of these claws. That's kind of what I want, dude. That's kind of better than, yeah, dude. Wait, no, I'll do, I'll do one beer ski for my boy. Yeah. I had something similar to that. Um, for some reason I'm blanking on the name of the company. Uh,

But a guy that I worked with, his little daughter got sick and she had like a respiratory infection and they went to, went to the doctor and they kind of told him, Hey, there's, there's really no, you know, the antibiotics, there's really no antibiotic for you have to kind of over the counter drugs. Yep. But,

this company is working on because a lot of the it's it's common in toddlers that they get this like respiratory infections it's like there's a there's this company that's actually working and partnering with Johnson & Johnson at the moment that's like developing something strictly for these toddlers so they can and he's like man I bought a bunch of stock into it because he like they're in like the phase two clinical trials with the FDA and so I was like I look at it I think I got into like

Right at like $1.52. And I held it and it kind of went, and this is prior to spot six months prior to the pandemic. And they release these things at stocks, these holdings every three months. And it tells you all the big companies. And there's people like BlackRock, JP Morgan, like these big, like firm firms. Like Fortune 500 companies, like investment firms are in this.

dollar med stock like this. And I'm like that looking back now, like knowing what I know, I'm like, why is there that's, they're usually blue chip stocks all day long. And yeah,

When COVID shit started taking off, they pivoted from the respiratory thing to a vaccinate, like a vaccine, right? And dude, like over the course of a week, it went from like $1.50 to 11 bucks. So I sold, I made like 20 grand. But by the end of it, by the height of it, I think they got up to like $180 a share. And I was like, what the fuck? And I was like, that's, I don't want to say everything's pointing me wrong, but I was just like...

You know, why are they holding that much? You know, holding like 20, 30% of the company. Yeah. And it's $1.50. You know, like that doesn't make, that's not a sound investment on their end, you would think. But, you know, I don't know. A lot of those times when it plays out, you're like, this isn't making sense. Oh, yeah. Whatever one you want, buddy. But if smart people are doing it, I'm going to do it also.

Yes. Yeah, I follow a guy on TikTok and he does basically like he just looks into like what politicians are buying and where they sit on certain councils on the board. And he also did one the other day about he took, you know, Kramer, Mad Money, the guy that does stocks like that. He did the opposite of what Kramer has done for the past five years.

And he outperformed the S&P 500 by like fucking almost 400%. Like bought instead of selling or selling when he was supposed to buy, Kramer said, and completely made like way more return than anything Kramer's ever fucking said. And I was like, dude.

information nowadays and like so dude it's crazy it's fucking nuts bro one of my the only time going to my college my one semester high school dropout fucking hate school I did my one semester and had business 101 or whatever it was that was the one thing our this was for stock shares like all that and our professor said

Hey, if you were getting into this, just realize they did this test where they hired the top, the best people to project what is going to make the most money. And then they hired another team to spin a fucking wheel and throw a dart at a thing to say who they're investing in today. And those guys won it.

The competition on who made more return at the end. It is a lot of the time a fucking guessing game. It's like this team won and they did it for a year. Here's the statistics. We had to do a breakdown on it. It was fucking crazy. I don't fuck with stocks. I don't fuck with crypto. No? Not even a little bit. Not one. What do you invest in, bud? I don't. Not with that shit. In itself.

body of porn in D&D and Pokemon cards Pokemon cards that's where my investments go which is also worth a

I'm into the trading cards, sports cards. Okay. Dude, in July, last July, I bought my first hobby box. Yeah. Optic hobby box. And buddy I was working with, he was real big into it. And he had like a broker that got him at wholesale. So we got it for $1,300. He's two packs. First one we opened, we made not even half our money back. And he's like, come on. I mean, he's already got his last box. We're ripping it live. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And we pulled a one-of-one Trevor Lawrence on-card gold vinyl auto that at the time is probably worth like $60,000, $70,000. But we held it. And we had that playoff game. So now Golden, the auction company, has it in their vault. And it goes into auction in August. And they just pay like $100,000 to like $110,000 to make off that one card. Dude, it's nuts. Yeah. And I know I have first edition cards.

Like that I threw away or gave to friends. Oh, I didn't want to think about all the... I found a Mad Champ, Mad Chop, first edition. But it's all predicated on the grade too, your PSA and all that shit. If it's not a 10, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really matter. Like a 9, sure, you can make a couple hundred bucks, but unless it's a 10... Unless it's a 10. A gym mitt, yeah, it's just not the same. I go back about 90... Man, this is mid-90s. This is...

I remember my buddy bought Black Lotus for $80. Stop it. Oh! He was a sealed Black Lotus. Like, he had a fucking glass case and he had a mock card and this was 90s. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I spent like $100 on this car.

I look back and I'm like, I wonder if he still has that fucking card to this day. Cause he kept it fucking. My, my one goal at this point in my life is to own a black Lotus. I don't care if it's a heavily played damaged just to have it. I'm going to have a black Lotus. Cause I play magic gathering. That's like, honestly, like I play a lot to be honest. And yeah,

I'm going to have one. I'm going to put it in a deck. It's technically illegal now, but if you own a black Lotus, one of my friends can tell me I can't play that. Fuck you. I would. Oh, I didn't know. It's illegal to play in a game. I didn't know. It's a powerful card. It is. It's a broken card. And that's why if you pull that in your firsthand, you're the curve that you are so far ahead of everybody.

It's hard to come back. I've never actually played it, but I was fascinated by that game. Because it's so in-depth. It's unreal. Imagine this. You have a normal gameplay. You're like, okay, I have three islands. I have three turns to put each island down. You're going to do one per turn. Yeah. Well, you get to play one card per turn. So then I tap it. Like your resource. So then I have my mana or my resource. So then I have like one mana, two mana, three manas after three turns.

Or Black Lotus costs nothing. Zero. Yeah. And then you get three mana instantly. So you have in one turn, you'd be like, here's three mana. Now you can cast whatever creature card. And you're like, what the fuck?

the fuck you're talking about is a very broken ass. No, that's because I played Yu-Gi-Oh for a little while. Oh, dude. I was a big Yu-Gi-Oh player back in my day. Okay. You guys, you know, per turn, every turn you get an extra, I don't remember what the resource in Yu-Gi-Oh was, but you get an extra one resource basically to cast or to do whatever. I don't remember. Summon. Sorry, it was summon. Summon. This is an instant three summon for no cost. So you're like, I put it down like this.

And if you get that early game, like those first few turns in an early game of magic are nothing but what's called ramping. Like everybody's like one, one, one. It's just people getting their board sets ready. When you get that three out the gate, which generally means four, because you can do your normal turn and your normal resource.

To come back from like a, to go against somebody who's four resources ahead of you early game. Yeah, I know you're fucked. Yeah. So like in that game, what is like, what's the rarity of the Black Lotus per pack or per box? Is it like a case hit? One right now will sell for 1.5 million. Oh, so it's extremely rare. So they were only printed in 95, 96, I believe, or 94, 95 in the alpha and beta versions.

of Magic the Gathering before the game went to full like release. Yeah. So this is alpha beta. So the game's nice. So we're talking 1995. Yeah, you're getting like your first off the line, not even fucking mainstream. So even now when you're opening like the beta and alpha decks technically because they weren't packs back then. It was a deck of cards.

When you're opening those, you had one rare hit and that was your Lotus. Your case hit, yeah. And even then, the odds of hitting a Lotus is, yeah. Oh. Because there was uncommons and there was really bad rares and, oh God, I've watched so many breaks of. If you want one. Do you know what a pack of fucking say that alpha bell, like right now, like an unopened right now. Alpha pack.

- I'm gonna look. - Half a mil? - Yeah. - Half a mil? - No, no, no. - About 200,000? - 'Cause I know a box of first edition, the original Pokemon, like the first 150. - Yep. - Like a box of that is like 30 grand. And that's like-- - Minimum. - Minimum. - These are like 50. - But you know, you can weigh the first editions. - Oh, you are a nerd! - Now, when it comes to cards, boys.

because we didn't have a lot we didn't get it we didn't have a lot of like gaming systems when i was young but we had cards you know what i'm saying your boy could he could do it all so so alpha magic was you're looking at 52 then they can go up it was like 50 if you want one of the best youtube videos on the internet is a guy cracking it out but this is years ago

Hopefully he kept it. He cracked an alpha. He's like this case is worth a lot today. We're cracking an alpha He has his gloves on he's opening it. He's shuffling through the cards. He's like, well we get the fabled black and he pulls it It's a he turns it around. It's a fucking he loses it. He almost drops it, right? He's like And he freaks cuz he got the card Is this open boosters

Whatever that guy is. It was the most hilarious reaction. It's probably open boosters. I've seen him. So a singular pack. So right now I can't even find one listed for an alpha box, but a pack like which is how many cards 12 in it or is it more of magic the gathering a beta pack sealed. Either way, it's going for $35,000.

An open? Unopened. Just a sealed beta pack, which unfortunately... That's a pack, not a deck. No, yeah, it's just one pack out of the box. And that's with a chance for a Lotus. That's how much those fucking cards cost. Dude. Like, Lotus is like, as of right now... Should we pull our money together, dude? Or what do you guys want on this Saturday? You can get like a heavily played, almost like damaged on the corners Black Lotus for...

$12,000. That's how much that card in the worst condition is worth. Wow. That's why my videos, I was showing the stream the other day, my unopened set. And they're like, why do you have these unopened video games? I'm like, because it looks...

Didn't you hear that shit crashed real bad? Huh? The video, like sealed video games crashed real bad. I know. The market was scammed pretty bad. Really? My games are still worth because I have the, mine are good. We just checked. Eli's good to go. Okay. Because I have the, I bought mine in 2000. So I have legitimate sealed copies of PlayStation 1 games. So you remember PlayStation 1, like the silver tabs and all that shit?

World of Warcraft Collector's Edition. All those, I've never opened. I just bought them and put them up. Put them up. Oh, that's smart. Put them up. Back in early 90s and 2000s. Like, eh, military. I just started doing that. I was like, I don't care. Yeah. Those fucking games right now are worth... Like Xenogears, which is spent...

$80 for a sealed one back in the day. I was like, man, $80. That's worth at minimum a grand looking to five grand. Yeah. Yeah, you're good. And then World of Warcraft's at 30 grand.

I know the Zelda on Super Nintendo. One of those sealed is fucking... It's nuts, bro. I wish I had some. I went to a... There's a little video game store in fucking New Brunswick. I forget the name of it. I went there about a year ago, and I just bought damn near every Nintendo 64 game that you can buy. We played Drink and Drive, Mario Kart. Why are we doing that now?

Why do we have to hook up now? We could do that live stream. Dude, yeah. Me and my buddies. We called drunk driving. Drunk driving, drinking and driving. And you could not cross the finish line. Until you finish your beer. And you could not drink the beer while you were moving. So you had to. What I do is like. You got to either at the start fucking slam that motherfucker or when you wreck and you're getting pulled out of the ice by the little goddamn fishing hook, man. You got to be slamming, dude. That's Lucas grabbing me. It was for us. We always did per lap.

It was a beer per lap. Y'all are fucking animals. So you'd have to finish your beer by the time you got to the finish line because if you cross the finish line without finishing your beer, guess what? You got another fuck because we were always drinking High Life Coors Light. So if you cross the fucking finish line before you finish, you got an extra Coors Tack to your fucking total. So you'd have to stop before you finish your lap.

And you'd be finishing your beer. Usually, what we do is we chug at the start. We'd cross the finish line, chug the next one, and we just keep going. But have you ever noticed... And it's not as bad on Mario Kart, but it's fucking terrible on GoldenEye. Like, if you... Ah, what?

If you fucking play it now, if you play that Nintendo 64 and you hook up those comp cables in the back of an LCD TV screen and you try to play it, you damn near throw up. But you know why it is? The TVs that they made back in the 90s, I saw a video that they show the difference in why. I'm like, dude, holy shit. So you have to buy a fucking old tube. I got to play it at my mom's house. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, the interlacing is what?

it's it's fucking bad dude like i was like just how do we play this no but then i'm like okay it wasn't that bad what's the same reason when we were playing those old games and you'd be like look at the graphics this is life change remember when halo dropped oh my god you were looking at the the models and halo like you'd see a hunter show up on the screen you'd be like i'm gonna die this is the end of the world for me and now you look at the old school hunter model and you're like

Poo poo garbage. There's 12 fucking pixels and four polygons. Yeah, what the fuck? Just fucking take out the receiver before even gets the fucking ball like oh man He was the one I was like, they'll never surpass these graphics now. Yeah, my parents asked if

if I was watching a hockey game, I am pretty sure this is as good as it gets. Fast forward 20 years and you're like, I was like, fuck me. This is the curve of graphics is gone. It's over the last five years skyrocket. And it's only going to get fucking better with the game. It's insane. Wait, okay. Wait, wait, hold on. Okay. I'll give you this before I forget. Go. Cause you're talking about Halo. And I remember when that fucking game came out.

And I remember the first pair of boobs I ever seen. Cortana's fat ass titties. No, no, no. It was a chick that was tutoring me in math. And she come over to my house and,

And we had just finished here. I was like, oh, you want to check out the new Halo game? Blah, blah, blah. And then, like, we start making out. We're learning as an ass-living boy. You want to play Halo? Yeah, I mean, we're just hanging out. You know what I mean? No, we're, like, making out. Like, she was, like, two or three years older than me. Not much. Like, I think I was, like, I was, like, eighth grade, I believe, or seventh grade when it came out. I can't remember. You just saw all those bumps your mom was giving you. It probably was. But we had the start screen on. And it's, oh.

And when she pulled out her boobs, it was that fucking song. And to this day, every time I hear that song, I just think about those big old titties I saw for the first time. It was fucking incredible. I know the music and it's going to live with me forever. And I'm trying to be, I wish I could associate tits with that piece. It's awesome, dude. You see that big halo and those titties just flop around. What is happening? What is life? This life is good.

Good. I loved it, dude. You lived your life as a porn artist. Can I teach you some math? Yeah. Let me put some hate on you.

This Tupac is cutting it. Can you put on something more sexy? I got you. Yeah, dude. Hit on the fucking giant boss. The Duke's power figure. God, it was crazy. Red rings eight times. You're still like, I got this, babe. Just hold on. She's like, actually, I really don't want to play that game. Look over this way. And I'm like, whatever. John, I got this battle. Master Chief! You got my six and go in!

Fucking crap.

It's my favorite thing in the goddamn world. It's awesome, dude. Are you down to play D&D from time to time? We're about to start a new D&D campaign. Yeah, but you got to like, I don't know how often you're supposed to play, but them boys play like every week, every Sunday, and they're like in it, in it. And it's like, it's an investment. So what we're going to be doing is a week and a month because we're going to do four episodes a month. So every Sunday, an episode is going to come out. Ideal.

So be, I'd say we'll, we'll do four hours, four hours of recording Saturday, Sundays. Ideally. Let's say we record fucking eight hours a month for D and D. Batty's like, Eli's wrong and everything he's saying, but we're going to let him go. Wait for two hours per episode, right? No, still no. You keep saying two hours. It's not two hours. How long? It's gonna be three hours at least.

I've never played a D&D game less than three hours in my life. Who's going to be the story master? It's me. It's what I do. Nice, man. That's what I do. You got to have a good one, dude. The director has to edit that in. But no, okay, three hours. I don't give a fuck. The time does not matter. True. It is.

We're getting four pieces of content a month. But when we rotate and guess, let's say your fine self comes in, we will then rotate you in for an NPC, not an NPC, but like. You'd just be a character. That's it. We got to go get your, your wife died. We have to save. Can I be a wood elf? Yes. A chick wood elf. Yes. Let me hear your voice.

He's got it. It's better than everything Eli's ever done ever. I'm just going to talk in light screen. In light screen. I'll need a translator with me. I'll have a translator with me. It'll be perfect. It'll be Jack Mandel. Yeah. Jack Mandel will be your translator. Perfect. God, I love that dude. How you doing? I love that dude so much. I love Jack so much. He's so goddamn good, dude. Jack, you're beautiful. Jack is the one that was supposed to be on with you today.

Uh-uh, cancel him? No. He heard you were coming. He bailed. He's like, fuck that guy. Well, it happened. Nah, he had a prior. Actually, Jack, well, you'd have to do a second one. We don't want to take up your time. Jack said, if he has time, I will drive up there right now to be on a second episode with you. Jack, I'm supposed to go to Black Rifle People's Place after this. They live right down the road. You thought it's not. What time is it? We'll pay you. Nah, yeah.

We've been here, whatever. Damn, we just had a good, I didn't even feel like to. We've been, damn, boys. We're just rolling here. That's how podcasts should be, my friend. We have this down to a science. I mean, they're not doing steaks until six. You're good then? Yeah, tell them to come on through. We'll drink a couple more beers. It gives a shit. All right. Let us know, man. I'm going to have to pee. I don't like to pee during podcasts. I got you right here. Ready?

Thank you for watching. This is where I podcast as always. We have Eli double tap myself, batty streams and our beautiful, powerful, strong, hopefully a great credit score. Wonderful with crypto. Oh,

Uncle Lazer, everybody. Uncle Lazer, where can everybody find you if they're looking to find all your awesome fucking content? So Instagram, Uncle underscore Lazer. Uncle Lazer, fucking Facebook. I got a YouTube channel just started. I got a new podcast I just started. We're on episode 11 called My Drunk Uncle's Podcast. I love that. Uncle Lazer and Bobby Flacco. Just a couple guys talking shit. I got a TV show that'll be dropping next Sunday. Wait, what?

What? Yeah. We did it all. We did it all. We did it all out of pocket. We paid for ourselves. We're actually looking for some kind of sponsors or donations right now just to help in the back end of editing and shit. It's called The People You Know. So think about...

Think about like Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe, but it's with three comedians. Like one episode, we go to a wrestling school in Bryan College Station. I get chokeslammed by a seven-footer. I love this. We take a bunch of mushrooms at the Renaissance Festival, make knives out of fucking horseshoes. It's incredible. There's a... Got a promo clip of it on my Instagram, YouTube channel right now. Yeah, the people you know, Drops next Sunday is our first episode. Holy shit. Fuck yeah. Yeah. It's going to be cool. I'm really excited. Like when you first...

first film something like that you're kind of like gotta like really take a step back and be like yo if this if this wasn't me or one of my friends in it would i actually watch it yeah and i i felt like we need to approach it like that do episodes like that okay and i was like dude because it's it's basically just real quick synopsis is me i'm mullet but and my other buddy that lives with me dean stanfield he's my brother with a mullet but he's more like a fox news mullet i'm more like cops

And our daddy, and my daddy, my daddy meets this woman in Missouri and she's got a baby daughter who's 26. She's also a comic, my girl, Bianca, my baby sister. She's like this damsel in distress, doesn't know how to hunt, fish, take mushrooms, do anything. So it's all us three just traveling throughout Texas doing, we kill geese, we fucking fish, but like we're just talking shit the whole time to one another. And like, it's a cool dynamic. I can't really explain. It's just called The People You Know. This is amazing. Yeah. For real.

That is... Dude, that is... It's going to be... I'll show you all the promo here in a sec. It's pretty sweet. All right. Thank y'all for having me, though. Y'all check out our boy! All right. We'll see you on the after show. We do it like a Patreon after show. It's like 10, 15 after. But in between that, we all go touch ourselves in the bathroom. Yeah! Yeah!

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