Heaven is an Orange Julius with Trixie and Katya
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Okay, honey. Do you mind if we just have the girls today? Do you mind if we just have the girls? It's ladies night. People do like to comment. I like their guests, but honestly, just being real, I like them alone. Well, guess what, Miss Diva? Hunty, we are going to work it fiercely for you today. That's right. Yes, gosh. Bro.

That's right. You're back on this podcast. 12 steps to being a fucking diva and fierce, honey. How to ditch that doggy door and wiggle your way into something ferociously fierce. Are you a diva? Do you want to work it? Are you a true diva? Because she is a true diva. She works it, owns it, rents it, leases it, fucks it, eats it, shits on it.

She leases it. She leases it. She leases to own, honey. She's foreclosed on. She's been foreclosed. She's been an escrow sweetheart. She's got to lean on that.

The bank is coming for the diva. The bank is foreclosing on the doll, honey. The bank is foreclosing on the doll. She's sashaying in a small claims court and she's going to lose it all. Screaming, screaming, screaming. My neighbors are like, the poor listeners, they love it. I don't, well, okay. So it occurred to me the other day that I don't think I've, I have not given enough attention in my, in my, you know, to the listener.

Really? Why do you, why? Because I don't think I've ever said directly, hello. You know what? That's a really good point. We're like, we're deceptively deep into this pod. We're, I think, 20 in or something? Something like that, yeah. And thank you so much for listening, everyone. Seriously. I, yeah. A moment of sincerity, if you would please afford the diva in the doll. I, yeah. Thank you very much. Afford the diva in the doll.

On ladies night Just on ladies night We want to say thank you Does he worship The dolls Worship the dolls Worship the Fucking dolls You fucking Rancid shit can Pussy eating Motherfucker Worship And you know what For me For my fans They don't have Any opportunities To see me every week

No. I don't have a Monday upload on my YouTube channel. We don't have on, we don't have Queens who like to watch. I don't do pit stop. No, they have no access to me. You have no, you, you deleted your social media. What? 14 years ago. Um,

So, I mean. Before Instagram was invented, I was blocked. Yeah, you preemptively deleted it. If you get blocked, if you stay blocked, you ain't got to get blocked. You know what? I think of Chi Chi a lot. You do? I do, in a good way. Okay. Well, thank God. Like, I mean, it's sad that, of course, we lost her. But when she pops into my head, it's always some enduring memory of her that I always think of. Yeah. In a good way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. I mean. What?

No, I mean like she doesn't come into my mind and I'm immediately sad. Right, right, right. I think of good things, funny things she said. I think of like private moments with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like it's a different mindset in terms of like when people die, different cultures have, you know, it's like, for example, I cannot stand the expression, she's smiling down on you from heaven. It's creepy. It's fucking creepy and it's also bizarre. Can I see what that looks like? Yeah.

Or like, or this one really fucking, I almost, I screamed out loud. It was like, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and John Lewis are dancing in heaven right now. I was like, okay, okay, okay. This was in regard to a particular piece of legislation that had passed here on earth by, you know, by human, you know, by living people. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She's vibing. She did her time. If there is a heaven, she's surrounded by Pomeranians cutting into a loaf of Sarah Lee. Yeah.

She's not worried about that. She's like, I did all that. Like she, like, I feel like Jewish people kind of get it better. Like, like they don't believe in heaven. You know, like just something about the memory of them. Let, let the lessons and all the stuff that they did here on earth endure. Do you know what I mean? That makes a little bit more sense. I think I've got that wrong, but do you know what I'm saying? That it's not that like, oh, they're, they're, you know, playing the Macarena up in heaven with, you know, with that, that, that it's like,

I'm doing the Macarena in heaven with Gina Gershon. It's just like, it's like, think fondly of them. Think fondly of their memory or their legacy or whatever. Does that make more sense? Yeah. Yeah. Also like, I don't know. I don't really believe in heaven. You don't, but you know what I think of? You don't believe in heaven. What are you crazy? I feel that the idea that we're waiting because something better is coming.

Is an unhealthy way to waste your life. I think that's insane. And I feel like the implication that that line of manipulative thinking might be used by people in power in order to subjugate poorer people is off base. Yeah, I need to open up the notes app and compose an apology, sis. How dare you? Well, yeah, I always just think like this is kind of lame, but if you believe in a heaven, why is it impossible that this is it?

Why is it impossible that this is the best part of your existence being alive right now? And that when you die...

We don't really know what happens, but you know that right now you could just be in a good mood and try to be happy and make the most of it. Also though, I'm curious why the discussion never really, the imagery never really, it hits a wall very quickly. Like, okay, everything's white and cloudy, like sort of metaphysically serene and people are wearing white robes. Maybe they got wings. What else?

What else? Is there a harp? Yeah, sometimes it's a harp. There's for sure a pink berry. Yeah, like there's maybe Enya-ish music is playing somewhere in the background. You can't save... At a pink berry. At a pink... No, no, no, but...

It's a pink berry with Enya. Is there an orange Julius there? Is there? It's a Christopher Banks. I mean, there's been so much has been written movies made about heaven and hell, but I think like hell gets the more thorough treatment. You know what I mean? With all the circles and the layers and the this and the that. It's more universal. Everybody finds being burned alive unpleasant. Yeah. But not everybody's. My version of heaven probably doesn't even have a TV. Right. Yeah. What's your idea? Well, here's the other thing. I find the concept of eternal pleasure to be a little bit...

those concepts are at odds with each other. Yeah. Pleasure. Happiness is kind of conditional and it has to relate to some kind of pain. Yes, of course. So why do people believe in heaven? What the fuck? Well, I can't really speak to that, but I want you to thinking about like drag Queens, especially like it's always very, it's horrible when people die, but when drag Queens die, which all drag Queens have an expiration date, right?

it always is extra weird because drag queens seem like it's impossible that they don't, they aren't always there. Yeah. Because also, and also there's kind of, there is like a superhero element to drag queens. And like, and because a lot of us kind of come from, um, uh, which how we say, uh,

hard life or hard circumstances. Yeah. And persevere and also project an illusion of invincibility. Yeah. And agelessness. We all look a lot younger and we dress as vibrant life of the party. Yeah. Looking people. Yeah. Superhuman, sometimes dehumanized, but yeah, absolutely. It's sad. It

It is. And she's also fucking so young, Chi Chi in particular. Yeah. I've been thinking about death a lot. Oh, good. I love that. Because I'm reading Pet Sematary. Sometimes dead is better. Yeah. And there's a lot about death. And part of what makes that book so horrifying is that it's really just people being confronted with the reality of like the, the,

Not guaranteed nests of life. Yeah, the son dies in that book. Yeah somebody the neighbor's wife dies the cat dies Yeah, and I don't know I just been thinking a lot about the other day I turn my boyfriend we're watching we're gonna go which one of us you think is gonna die first and he was like I Haven't thought about it. You pull out Yeah But I guess I purposely don't think about death that much and then I was like, oh I guess anybody in your life that you love is

One of you is going to go first. Yeah. Yeah. Probably you. Always. You hope to be the first one, obviously soon have to deal with the grief. It's funny you mentioned this because I have recently in the past couple of weeks, I've watched a few really incredible movies and television shows that deal directly with this grief, with the concept of grief and like in a pet cemetery kind of way. They involve the Connors. Are you watching the Connors? Is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah.

I fucking want, I bitch, I watched WandaVision and I'm not, I don't, if you haven't, you haven't watched it, right? And I'm not going to go into it. I'm not going to do that thing where I'm passionate about something that somebody else hasn't watched and subject you to it. No, it's fine. People love it. But the gist of it is, well, I'm not going to say it. I asked my boyfriend, what is Wanda about? What is WandaVision about? What do you say? I said like five words or less. And he was like, well, you haven't seen any of those movies. So you're not going to know who any of these people are. I see. I,

I started to watch it with no prior knowledge of the Marvel, whatever, whatever. I'm a very extremely casual enjoyer of anything superhero related. I've not, I have not read any comic book besides Watchmen. That's it. I don't get, I'm not like a, I don't jizz my nut over like, you know, the, the silver surfer or whatever. Um, but yeah,

It is so fucking well done. And it just deals... It's a very interesting... There's a human layer to it that is like very deep and interesting and provides like an emotional through line that's gripping for anybody regardless of superhero interest or not. However...

Ricky Gervais did a series called Afterlife. And let me tell you, also, wait, going back to Marvel movies, I did watch them all. I cry every time. Superheroes make me, I would like, you watch Terms of Endearment, dry as a bone. And then I watch it put on fucking Captain America. I'm on the floor, like, needing to be resuscitated because I've, like, vomited so much from crying. I cry more from movies than I do from real life. I know.

I'm more likely to cry to cry to movie than a funeral for a loved one. Absolutely. I don't know what's with that. Absolutely. Well, because they're, they're engineered, they're engineered to short, like they're, they, they, they're engineered to do that. Think about the complexity of a funeral.

You could be tired. You could have known that they died. I mean, it's not at the moment that, you know what I mean? Like you don't want to be, there's so many different factors. There's a history there. In Pet Sematary, which I'm not done with it, but there's so many sections about how horrible certain things are. Like people bringing food to your house when someone dies or- It's a logistical nightmare. It's a kid's funeral in the book. And everyone at the funeral is saying-

At least he didn't suffer because it was hit by a truck. Right, right. As if that helps. Poor Gage. At least it went quick and it was flattened into the pavement by a semi. Right. All of that. I don't know. I also think you can't waste your life thinking about dying. My mom always told me, because I was a kid who was very fixated on death. I was a kid who was constantly like, I would remember that my grandma was going to die someday and it would ruin me for a week. Yeah. All I could think about was my grandma's going to die in my lifetime. Wow.

My mom, thinking about my mom dying. And then once people did start to die, like my grandparents or whatever, my child brain imagined it to be like,

It would derail me forever. I could never recover. And then of course, when it happens, especially a grandparent, you always know grandparents are much older than you. You're going to see your grandparents die. I did. Yeah. I saw him die. Yeah. Cause you killed him. Yeah. And then you're probably going to see your parent die. I mean, I'm going to clarify. You're going to live. Unless you die first. Live to see, live to experience the death of a parent. You're not going to see them with your eyeballs down. Right. And then, but like, obviously in the book,

A child dying, watching someone young die is obviously exponentially more tragic. And also they watched, they ran after the child. Yeah. And obviously this is a book. It's not in a real book. No, but this is a scenario that could play out. Children getting killed on the road is not impossible. And also a children dying before your eyes as you try to prevent that from happening offers another level of guilt to the grief. Yeah. Which is pretty wild. In the book, obviously it's about,

The question of, well, we know that if we bury someone in this, they will come back. Of course, they'll come back wrong. Right.

how bad do I miss this person? Even if they come back wrong, how much would just having them in my life be better than having them? Not at all. Yeah. Horrible. Yeah. Also, WandaVision is, I mean, WandaVision is Pet Sematary. Pet Sematary. No, it's a remake. It's a shot for shot remake and nobody's mentioning it. No, and it's fine. I mean, you know, Stephen King is used to that kind of thing. They did it with showgirls. They did it with a finger. But the, the, the, oh, but,

But the afterlife, you should watch that because do you like Ricky Gervais at all? Yeah, I've watched the UK office. What's it? Their name's Dawn. Dawn and Pam. No, Dawn and Tim. The UK America lesbian office romance we need. Dawn and Pam. Wait, it's Pam and Jim and then Dawn and Tim. Dawn and Tim. Martin Freeman. I cried from that.

I, the office, the ending special, the juicy, the, the, it was the last episode or the special where it's like a year or two later. I, and she comes and she stays. I cried, lost it, lost it. Yeah. He is so good. I mean, he, Ricky Gervais, when he's writing for shows, he, he, the things he does that I love is the economy of it. He doesn't go on for 15 seasons. He does two seasons in a special and that's it. Or one season and that's it.

The afterlife one he did, it's about a guy who, his wife dies of cancer and he is like, he's like suicidal to this grief and kind of goes through this journey of like, I should just kill myself, blah, blah, blah. And it's very, very sad. It's also very funny. And he strikes this really great balance of that. But it's like, I fucking heaved from afterlife. Alone in your house? Alone in my hotel room. I was on tour. I was,

Almost broke blood vessels in my eyes because I was just, it just fucking put me through it. It's great. There's a few things that make me cry every time. That one is one of them. Muppets take Manhattan. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. You fucking. The great puppet caper. You fucking dick bitch. I hate you. You dick bitch. You poop.

sucking dick and cock sucking dick and cock there's a few that just like well do you ever see the movie the final girl final girls no no that one makes you cry for sure what about what is it it's a horror movie and it's about a girl her mom's an actor the mom gets killed right a few years later

She's a teenager and her friends are like, hey, we're going to see this midnight showing of... It's called like Camp Blood or something. And her mom was in it. And at first she's like, I don't know. My mom's in the movie. And they're like, come on, your mom's a huge icon. Let's just go see your mom in this movie. The movie starts. She loves it. And then through the magic of cinema, they get sucked into the movie. Oh, wow. But in the movie...

Her mom is in the movie, but her mom is the character. And so they're trying to escape the horror movie by, you know, recognizing certain horror tropes. Like, oh, if you do a strip tease, you get killed. If you have sex, you die. And then at the end, it's the killer stalking the daughter and the mom. And the mom's like, well, I have to die so you can be the final girl.

Wow. And so then the girl has to watch her mom get killed again in the movie. Oh, so re-traumatizing, lezzing out, stuff like that. So that was shocking. Do they lezz out? They're mom and daughter. Oh, so they don't lezz out. They don't lezz out and they don't incest out. I didn't mean to push that one. I was just trying to understand where the crying came in. Well, it's sad because the mom's like, okay, I guess I'm going to save you if you're my real daughter or whatever. And then she does a strip tease and the killer comes and kills her.

I cry from it. I don't know why. Because you're a sociopath. Okay. Comment below if that movie made you cry. It was good. I'll take your word for it. I'll take your word. He's giving me this look throwing daggers at me. I won't be made a fool in my own living room. Listen, I have no intention of coming here on the pod and sucking dick and cock. Sucking dick and cock. There's a few. I mean, when it comes to death and movies, if it is too sad, I'm not fucking watching The Notebook again.

Oh yeah. I'm not fucking watching Brokeback Mountain again. Or when, how about this though? When it's, when it's, there's something about it that, you know, the intentional tear jerking, like over the topness of like, say what dreams may come, which obviously sounds like what dreams may come. Have you seen that movie? Of course I have. Yeah. So sad. So sad. But they also, I believe at the time it was in theaters, they had like, they had tissues like available. Oh, give me a break. That's when I'm like, oh, you know what then? Fuck you. I'm not going to cry.

You know? I'm going to stick this out. I'm going to use it for my wet dreams. Wet dreams may come. You went there for a totally different movie. Yeah, stuff it in my diaper, go to bed, and hope for the best. Yeah. Have you had a wet dream lately? I've never had one. You have sex with people, yeah. Yeah. You have sex with people. I was pulling the pad so early. Three, four, five? Honestly, probably first grade. Yeah. So like-

I didn't ever have like a surprise. Yeah. But who's doing that? Who's having wet dreams? Well, Buddhist monks. Oh, cause they can't. So do they look forward to it? That's a great question. Great question. I just think it's funny that if you can't masturbate, your body's going to do it for you. Well, yeah. I mean, right, right. This, yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're going to kind of just, that's a pretty heavy biological imperative. I feel like your body's going to life finds a way in Jurassic Park style in that regard. Clever girl. We're going to take a break. Okay.

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And we're back.

Oh, I forgot to record you the whole time. I wish a one-sided podcast. Do you listen to the podcast? Um,

Do you listen to us? No. Um, I, I sometimes, I'll turn it on just to hear the first like five minutes and then I'll go, Oh, it's that episode. Like, I just need to remember what it was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I listened to actually, no, I'm blind. I mean, I, I don't listen to it regularly. Like I'm not a big podcast listener, but, um, really? No. Cause I like lately I've just been into music. Although I found a, I found a podcast yesterday that I, uh,

I don't shout them out. It's a woman's smile by Patty Harrison and, um, Laura Lee something rather. It's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my fucking life. And you know, I love comedy. Actually, I don't love comedy, but I like, um, I love to laugh. I love to laugh. And I'm telling you, my woman's smile, woman's smile. And, um, I, I don't believe they do anymore. Um, but I'm about, I think I'm,

we gobbled up, we listened to it all day in the studio. So I spent half, most of the time not sewing and it was just like convulsing slightly, you know, that,

Like hurt doing so fucking funny. Laughing is so fucking funny. It was, thank God for Patty Harrison. She is an incredible person. I used to listen to Rue and Michelle once in a while, depending on the guest. I listened to that. I listened to that podcast religiously for a while. I liked the B-52s when they had them, obviously. Or like Gaga, like people I really wanted to hear talk. It's tough with podcasts and guests because like, you know, some people go to a podcast for the guest only. Right. You know, if you're a fan of, I don't think that happens to us.

Probably not because people, because we have so many. We are the guests. We're our own guests. We are. Yes. Be the guest you wish to see in the world. Be the guest you clean your house for. Be the Christopher guest you wish to see in the world. Yeah. Do you like podcasting so far? I do. I don't. Like me. Yeah.

I can see it coming. Okay. Thank you for saying it. Thank you for saying, I just had a hard time. And I'm glad we're sitting only, you know, we have a good distance. I feel like we can, we can, you know, tackle some emotional. Yeah. You know what I think we could tell people about what you and I work on like five projects together and we are at a point where we strategically place them so that we're not seeing each other too many days in a row. Yeah.

Because we fucking hate each other. And again, like in the same way that people sort of like idolize our friendship, the reality is there is the kind of like a bizarre mirror for the actual palpable hatred that we feel for each other. Yeah. It's kind of indescribable, not something a lot of people experience because you have to really kind of be there to know that the seething,

like wordless animosity is almost like when you turn up the thermostat, like to the highest thing. And then you, you like cook an onion dish in the kitchen and it burns. It is just this sweltering, rotten kind of like it lingers. Yes. In three, four days afterwards, you still smell it on your blouse and you're like, God, that fucking pig. You're sat in chemise. That dick bitch. That dick pig bitch. No, no,

That dick pig bitch. Sucking dick and cock. Sucking dick and cock.

Do you know that? Oh, wait. Another great podcast, Nympho Wars, where they do a whole dateline treatment of sucking dick and cock. Of the Tati James. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is renewed in my consciousness. It's now been reinvigorated at full force. Sucking dick and cock. I like to listen to Scam Goddess sometimes. What's that about? Okay, it's this woman named Lacey, and she takes scams from the headlines. Mm-hmm.

Airbnb scams are like all kinds of people. And she dissects it and lets people and talks about how people did scams. It's pretty interesting. Yeah. I just, scamming is fucking fascinating. And I've been, and I've been listening to Ebony and Irony, the new Monet exchange bunny podcast.

You have got to be kidding me. When I exchange a bunny. You have got to be kidding me. Yeah, it's everything you think it is. You have got to be kidding me. First of all, Ebony and Irony is hysterical to me. That is, you've got to be kidding me. No, it's fierce. And then I love the Sarah Silverman pod. Yep, I've listened to that one a few times. She does it herself. Yep. I couldn't do that. Well, yeah, she does it on, and she videotapes it, right? Like it's, she just taught, and not to be like so cliched, but I mean, God damn it, that woman doesn't age and she's so pretty.

I know. And I know that everybody says that about her. She's like, whatever, whatever. But. Well, it's how I feel about, I've listened to her and I listened to Whitney too. And you can see videos of their pods and I'm just like, oh my God. Yeah. And then Courtney. How do they do it? Courtney and Vanity have a pod now. Oh, that's right. And I'm, I'm going on it. Oh, you are? Yeah. I would listen to the. I've been asked. Yeah. You've been asked. They just had pride there. Yeah. In Australia. Just vibing. Mardi Gras. No pride. No COVID vibing. Did you get, did you get a, uh.

A pregnancy test? A dick swap. Did you get a vaccine? I don't think I'm allowed to. I'm too young. I'm too young and fit, hoping things change. There's no risk of me passing that on. No. Especially since nobody's around you. I didn't get a vaccine. Are you eligible yet? No. I'm younger than you. How would I have it?

Well, here we are. Here we are, folks. And for the listeners at home, listen, I just want to clarify. I don't get sick of Trixie because we work so much together. I just hate her because she's fucking huge. We do. I was just talking to Ben LaCroix about this because I'm having her on the pit stop. And she was like, we always are supposed to hang out. We never do. And I said, Bob's one of my closest friends. We never hang out. I said, Katya's not my best friend. She's just there. Like, okay.

You're my best friend because we work so much. If we didn't have to work together, do you think we would see each other in a month? Once maybe? Well, COVID? No. Sometimes I jog by your studio and stop by. Yeah. And that's about it. That's about it. Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to think about like what I call, you know, I called you back the other night and you had gone out and I made a joke about you not inviting me. And I was totally joking, obviously. And now she's yawning. And so...

But you know what? I don't feel left out though. I also don't think these are things you would like to go to. Oh no. Yeah. I went to 100% Hollywood for pizza and I was like, she's not going to fucking go to that. But you know the type of person that, and there is a very, I know very many people like this. In fact, I would say most people probably could relate to this is that the sentiment of, I can't believe you didn't, I can't believe you didn't invite me, but I would have declined it. You know what I mean? That's a thing. And it's fucking, ugh. Psycho. Psycho. It's psychotic. But do you get FOMO? Uh,

A lot of the time No I have the opposite Which is I'll make plans for myself Jomo It's Jomo What is that? Joy of missing out No Yes exactly Yeah Joba Joba Joy of being alone Joy of being Oh joy of being alone Joba Joba FOMO and Joba FOMO and Joba No I get this thing Where I'm like We have to hang out And then we'll make a plan And the day comes And I'm like

I just, the thought of going is too much. Yeah. Yeah. Or like an eye, if I'm feeling social, it's on a whim. Yeah. It's people like, I agree. You always ask me like, I agree. You never make plans with me. I'm like, I can't make a plan. Yeah. I'm not, I can't guarantee I'm going to feel like seeing you on Thursday. Yeah. Brooklyn Heights. Yeah.

I've been trying to have a wine date with Brooklyn and I'll be like, what are you doing now? And she's like, how about Sunday? I'm like, I could be dead then Brooklyn. Yeah. I could have completely forgotten you existing on purpose. My phone could be turned off.

Yes. Somebody could be in Corona Baca. And sometimes people get like, sometimes our people who are not in our industry or directly our peers or colleagues get this impression of us being super busy. I mean, I know you're extremely busy. I project the air business in order to protect myself socially. But like people, someone just said, are you available for a call this week? And it was not professional. I was like, the fuck is this? It's

Is this a joke? Are you trying to fuck with me? I was like, what do you want? Like, why don't you just tell me what you want now? But it was literally just, hey, can we chat later this week at a particular... What is that? Scheduling a... Sucking dick and cock? Sucking dick and cock. Scheduling a phone call? It was bizarre. Mary, just call me. Call me. Now, in that person's defense, I am extremely unreliable and very flaky when it comes to telephonographic communication. When it comes to telephono. Yeah. Yeah.

I love that meme of Celine Dion. Je téléphone la police. And it's her on a phone. It's Celine Dion on a phone and it says, je téléphone la police. So stupid. Sucking dick and cock. Sucking dick and cock. You know what though? Part of why our friendship works. She's convulsing.

Part of why friendship works is because we are both so in touch with how much time we need together. And it's so little. Yeah, it is little. And also like from a logistical point of view and entertainment value point of view, we've both determined that. Listen, at a certain point, Mary, we're improv-ing. There's no script to fall back on. And when I have to learn a script-

Do you know, when I have to learn sides for an audition, because I think you and I get a lot of the same auditions. I think I audition. I think you don't. Yes. Okay. I audition for everything. Yeah. And when I have to learn lines for sides, you would think that I am Jeff Bezos. Yeah. Having, I don't know what, like it's a big job, a big job. It's like two pages of dialogue. And I'm like, oh my God.

Jesus. The other day I read for a sitcom and they were like, this is a female role, but you're the only drag queen they're considering. Okay. But it's all females who are reading for it, but they really want to see you. I'm thinking to myself. They want something to talk about at a party. I'm not going to get this, but I'm just going to do it. Okay. How many lines? Like three pages. Three? Not like.

You were on three pages. Yeah. And then I also do my own like reading to myself. So I go in and read the other parts and voices on a phone app and then I play it back and I do this scene with myself because I don't have a roommate or anything. Right. And my assistant, I know that there's companies here who will like read the lines for you and tape you. There's also apps to do that. Apps and stuff. There is. Everything Nicole Kidman does on her iPad when she's in her trailer.

Look at Pornhub. Look at Pornhub. No, but I am so bad. I mean. I've auditioned for probably, especially if it's cartoons, I always do voice acting. Okay. Because I never get it, but you don't have to get in drag. You don't have to get in drag, yeah. Have you done physical auditions in person? Where they mic you and put you in front of a tape and all that? One maybe. Yeah.

Oh, one. And it was for iZombie. Whoa, really? Yeah. And then they went with a local hire. Okay. Cause I think it was, you know, where I wasn't good. Who knows? Romania in Romania or something. No, they film it in Vancouver and it was like a drag. Oh, I know what it was. Nevermind. The episode had like a 40 year old, a 45 year old drag queen and a 21 year old drag queen. Okay. And I read for first, I read for the old one. They were like, you're too young. Yeah. So read for the young. And then like, you're too old for the young one.

But I read for both. But I'm not that good of an actor. I also was reading it going like, there's a whole monologue of me breaking down saying why I killed someone. I'm like, I really don't think I could do that. Jesus Christ. I need more physical comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Where's the banana peel? Yeah. Can I get a stack of papers that I can like trip and fall? I mean, I've done a few and one, the only one I got was I didn't know it was an audition.

What was it? It was for room 104. Did you think it was a date? No, it was for room 104. Oh, if you haven't seen, I'm going to plug you here. It's the only thing I'm proud of acting wise. Go on HBO, Michael fucking Shannon, Judy Greer, and this piece of shit. Piece of shit. Are in a very compelling 44 minute hour. I think it's half hour. Oh, it's so good. Yeah, it's a little, it's an anthology series by the Duplass brothers and it's. Were you like, this is Michael fucking Shannon.

I didn't know who he was. Girl, you were face-to-face in scenes with him. In a room, a tiny hotel room. All my scenes were... Most of my scenes were with him. Like, I had two scenes and they were... One was with him. I was touching his body, fixing his tie. And then it was with Judy Greer for a little bit. And I mean, it was there. It was a three-day shoot, I think. And then it was...

I didn't know when I went in there and was talking to the director, the director was so amazing. This woman named Liza. Minelli. She's a casting director now. Katya. I'm going to need you to come in. Hi, Drew. Hi, Katya. Hi, Katya. That is such a bad Liza Minelli. Oh, terrible. Both of ours were rotten. Terrible. Katya Davis is going to fucking, she just pushed pause. Sorry. Unsubscribe. Yeah.

But I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know who Michael Shannon was. And then he was there while I was like, did the reading. And then he was there and he was behind a desk. Like he was the boss, but he was just. But you hadn't seen his films. I know I had. I it was just it wasn't clicking like. And then I was like, oh, my God.

That was the guy in Nocturnal Animals. That was the guy in... He's been in... He is so... Probably one of the most respected like... Oscar nominated actor. Yeah. So the best fucking villain. I mean, he is so good. Was he hot in real life? He's so hot. He seems like he'd be hot in real life. He smokes and he's hot. And I'm telling you... A perfect match. I gave him... I think the third day I brought skulls. These... Okay. Okay.

editors, just keep your, keep your finger on the delete button while we go into whatever this is. Go ahead.

You brought skulls to set. I brought skull candles for Judy, for Liza and for Michael. And when I tell you I would suck the dick and cock of that Mr. Shannon so much that it would take out his urinary tract, inner gonads, and probably a lot of the viscera in and around his pelvic area. You're looking to gut him through his urethra. Yeah. I'm looking to destroy his reproductive system with my mouth.

And he was, so he has this, like the funny thing was that like, I've done a goofy Russian accent for like 15 years and I know enough Russian to like fake it, but there were actual Russian dancers on the set. He does not do a Russian accent. I think yours is, Russian people even think yours is good, right? I can speak Russian some, certain, like there's a lot of words I can't say.

I could... The accent, very compelling though. I mean, there's so many different types of Russian accents. Like there's so many degrees of it. It's like, you know, like, you know, but yeah, it was like good enough and I can speak Russian. I can understand Russian language good enough to know how it would translate to English words. Do you know what I mean? Yes. So he had a rap...

He had to do a performance of a rap, a dance rap in Russian with a Russian accent, naming like tons of Russian cities and stuff. It was so difficult. It was very goofy. He's not a comedic actor.

And it was just so impressive to see him do that because it was silly. And he is one of the darkest, most brooding, fucking intense, dramatic actors ever. And he recently did like incredible comedy on Amy Sedaris's show at home with Amy Sedaris. I was going to say, I think he would be really funny. He probably just, he probably just gets these like,

heavyweight drama roles. Yeah. But I bet he's so funny. Well, he, well, that's what he played on the show. He's, he's a menacing villain in a comedy in, in Amy's Saders show. Oh, right. He's like the, the stock, like murder. That is so funny. And he's just, I remember that. I would suck that motherfucker's ass. I suck his dick through his asshole. And then Judy Greer. I mean, fucking icon dude, the most wonderful person in the world to the most wonderful person in the world. She's been in,

She's one of those actresses that has been in everything. Everything. And she turns it in everything. Yeah. And she's so...

Pretty in real life. And I hope this isn't a read. She has in real life, almost like an insect beauty. Very, she has very angular features and very big eyes and she's very in shape and she's so soft when she speaks to you. Yeah. She's just, she came to see moving parts. Did you really? She came to a movie theater. Yeah. She was at Tribeca showing a movie and we were there. She came to the theater and saw it. It was so nice. And she knows I like die for jawbreaker and she doesn't embarrass me about it. Thank God.

Cause you know, she's Violet in Jawbreaker. You've never seen Jawbreaker. I'm about to. Okay. This is a whole nother podcast. You know what? Can we make a commitment? Yeah. What?

Maybe we should do like a movie night where I'll watch something you want me to watch and you watch Jawbreaker and we can come back and we'll talk about it. Perfect. On the pod. Yeah. She's so good in that. And she's in Halloween. Yes, she was. Yeah. Fantastic. So fucking good. Yeah. It was like I was so frustrated with her character in Halloween, though, with like the the the new new. Right. Yeah. The new new. Yeah. I have so many questions about that movie, actually. I've seen it.

probably five times loved it. I love Judy's character. Like if your mom was Laurie Strode, who has all this trauma and like alcoholism, how much would you hate Halloween? Like, I love that when they showed Judy in one scene, it's Halloween and she's in a Christmas sweater with a Christmas mug, like just trying to glaze over it. So funny. And I thought they played it so sensitively, like

I mean, Jamie Lee Curtis in that fucking movie is so goddamn good. Yeah, she's great. I love the imagination of like, okay, it's a horror movie, but like what if decades go by and this person got no like mental health treatment and has like hard, hard trauma. Lady of the woods. Yeah. Yeah. Well, how would that affect your family? Yeah. Your substance abuse? Yeah. You know, it's funny. I like, I'm in terms of like the, there, there's,

For me, it was the windows. That many windows. In her house? Yeah. And also the remoteness of it. I understand like the- If I was in danger of being stalked, I'd live in the middle of town, Mary. I'd have a roommate. I'd live in a high rise, bitch. Do you know what I mean? A commune. I'd live in Tokyo in a high rise. Like people everywhere. Yeah. In a cement-

a high rise with no windows and only one access point. Do you know what I mean? And then I'd have the arsenal. I'd have knives in every room, guns, like, you know, trip wire and all that shit. But that, it was like a lot of those things that look crazy. Also the, the dad did not, he deserved a better death than that.

Remember? Towards the end, with the dad, so Michael does the fake out with the cop car. He just gets thrown to the side. Doesn't he get shot in the head or something? No, I don't even think. I think he just gets his neck snapped or something. Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah. Isn't it her husband? Her husband? Yeah, Jager's husband. He does get sort of expended. And there's no reaction at all to that. I was like, oh, that's kind of shitty. Maybe they're trying to, as a viewer, show you how casually they're about to kill main characters.

Perhaps. Maybe he's supposed to spook you a little bit. Yeah. And also it's just focused on the women really. He was kind of like a whatever, but yeah. Crushes that fucking police dude's head or the doctor. It was good though. Generations of women inheriting trauma, helping each other. I mean, it was a really good movie. I can't wait for the second one. Yeah. You know, Kyle Richards is supposed to be in it.

Who's Kyle Richards? From the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. No way. Because she's in the original. Oh, that's great. So she's supposed to be in it. I wouldn't be surprised if we never saw Kyle Richards again. And you know, Heather Maserato is supposed to be in Scream 5. Oh, that's dope. She plays Randy's sister in Scream 3. She got slashed open in Hostel 2, didn't she? Yeah, bitch. By that rich lady. Bathing in his blood. Bathing in his blood. Bathing in her blood. What? Hostel is crazy. But you know what? What?

Rich people are crazy. Rich people are crazy. They will wild out. If, yeah, I think there, I mean, it's like, do you think hostels real? I think that, um, I think that it's, I think that the, the concept is not too far off that, that people, I'm asking if you think that was a documentary film. Oh yeah. That's a doc film, right? That's a travel channel. Yeah,

So wait, wait, wait. One thing I wanted to say about beautiful, being beautiful. I watched a scammer. So, oh, that's what I remember. So scammers and I wanted to bring it back to beauty. I watched this Netflix thing about fake art, art forgeries and marital.

This fucking dealer in New York Ann Miller She was This woman waddled in One day had a Mark Rothko In the trunk of her car And then started this huge grift Where collectors bought these paintings For 5 million, 10 million dollars All fakes, forgeries by this guy in China But she said She looked at the fake And she said It's beautiful

And if that sent, then I was like, I was like, whoa. And this whole thing about authenticity and like, um, and what about, um, uh, Rothko, which is abstract expressionism for the, for the, for the, to the layman, it looks like, okay, a green shade. Um, so some red, a red square, a yellow square in a green square, all sort of diffused on a canvas. Okay. Right. Doesn't it? Yeah.

And it was just like, why did that disturb you so much that she called the fake beautiful? Because I was like, what about it is beautiful. Also, it was a very good reproduction of that style.

Well, maybe if the original is beautiful to her, wouldn't it serve that a reproduction is still beautiful to look at, whether or not it's real? Well, that's the mindset of a lot of the Chinese counterfeiters. They were like, there's no virtue in originality. In the development of skill, if you can accurately, I mean precisely, recreate a painting, the value is just as good. It's like the face.

I mean, the straight people love Banksy. Everything looks like a fake Banksy now. Right. Everybody's just spray painting shit. The condo I bought in Milwaukee had a huge fake Banksy on the wall. And I'm just like, give me a break. It's great. Yeah. Cause that's when the beauty of it is, is like sort of erased because it's transferred from it's the statement. Right. Rather than the actual, yeah. What you see. And now you're just trying to seem like someone who you're trying to tell people, they walk into your house, uh,

I believe in the statement that this type of artist is making. Yeah. But I'm also not supporting the real artist. Sure. And also, do you remember, did you see the Banksy that was sold at auction as soon as it's sold? It's self-destructed. That's better to me. I know. Which Banksy do you have? The one that shredded in front of a bunch of people. That is cooler. I know. In a way, it could be like the fact that you purchased that could...

could just accomplish the sort of social cred that is sought at from just buying one of these. You know what I mean? We should do a collection of Ann Gettys that shred. You and I as like caterpillars in a pot. And then when someone at DragCon buys it, it's like... Or even better, we will do a line of Ann Gettys that turn into babies that you have to care for. Or they're Ann Gettys that when they get purchased, age. Our faces get old.

What do you think about people getting trapped in paintings and then aging in the painting? Mom, that's the revolutionary. Bring it back. I love the idea of like a little girl in a painting and then she gets older and then one day she's an old woman and then she's just gone. Absolutely. She died in the painting. Well, where's that? That's, um, that, um. The witch's bitch? Or no, what's the Oscar Wilde thing? Jiminy Cricket? Not Jiminy Cricket. Um, you know, uh, Oliver Twist, uh,

The Oscar Wilde thing. He ages in the painting as he- Oh, Dorian Gray. Dorian Gray. Dorian Corey. You're thinking of Dorian Corey. As the body decomposes in the trunk, I retain my youth. Yes! Dorian Gray. Wasn't he in Sabrina? Yeah. Which is over. Talk about anticlimax. Just between us girls.

That fucking fourth season jumped out the window. She really jumped out the window. Horrible and ends nowhere. It ends nowhere. I turned it off once that black, that black, uh, Blackwell or a professor. Once he became the emperor. Give me a break. I turned that shit off. I said, not on my watch. No, it was disappointing because it was horrible. But you know, you and I talked about how in season three it became uncomfortable.

Uncomfortably aware that we were watching a teen show And it became like Cemented it The singing? Like the Hey Mickey? No, no, no Oh God Because I mean I don't If I like something I like something I don't believe in guilty pleasures Not in 2021 So like I won't feel bad about something You know And then But you're exactly right I loved it And then I liked it And then I was like Oh this is This really is showing its YA colors And then it was just like Oh this is a bad YA series Yeah I mean Um

It just, it went a different direction. Remember how dark and sexy it started out? It was fantastic. Super gory. Super gory. Very magical, fun. Like it was just cool. I liked it. Yeah. I would say I still liked the series as a whole, but towards the end it was like, oh shit. Like I like the band playing Teenage Dirtbag or like, don't they play Ballroom Blitz and hell at that battle of the bands? I'm not sure. I like some of the rock moments, but like the Hey Mickey, the Tony, I was like, oh no.

So no cheerleaders. Why is she a cheerleader? Yeah, it's horrible. And also it's one of those, somebody on Twitter pointed out the other day that is one of those, and no shade to... I don't think any of the cast listens, but we do love all of you. Yeah, absolutely. The casting, the acting in that show is great. They're all fantastic actors, but it's funny, character wise, it is one of those shows where the main character is not...

that is not the one you like, like, especially since she's flip flop McGee. And at a certain point we have two Sabrina's permanently, which was like, I know it's like, yeah, it's, it's a ridiculous. The other, um, there was another show with other fucking shows. But there is honors. There's a, was it the Connors? Listen, I love the Connors. It's probably one of the only current TV shows I keep up with.

It's probably the only thing. What? It's good. Sarah Gilbert owns my whole ass. Oh, yeah. I love Sarah Gilbert. And John Goodman owns my whole ass. Yeah. He does own a lot of ass. You know who else is in it? The woman who is Peg Bundy? Katie Segal. She's in it. She's wonderful. She's fantastic. She's looking hot. She's always looked hot. Always looked hot. Sucking dick and cock. Sucking dick and cock.

Well, I think I have to go to a birthday party now and I got to suck some dick and cock. Well, we have another guest. We do. 4.30. Oh, we have another. What time is it? I lost my watch. I feel completely disoriented. You wearing a watch right now? Always. Until time? For health. I completely. And I'm telling you, I always wear a watch on my left wrist. Always. To bed. You really do, don't you? Always. I only take it off when I go in the shower. What happened to your watch? I don't know.

Was it nice? Isn't this fascinating? This is a fascinating tale. Where does the time go? Where does it... And for the last two days, I'm telling you, the reflex is so ingrained. And I don't... You're just drawing on a watch at this point and changing the minutes. I don't like whipping out my phone. I do it enough already. You know what I mean? Just reflexively.

Yawning again. Time. It's time. But I am completely disoriented. As soon as I get out of this fucking kitty litter shit can apartment, I'm going to get myself a new watch. Have you noticed that every time I'm not talking, you are yawning. I'm exhausted. Every time I'm not talking, I'm like, oh my God. It's almost like, it's like one floor versus the other. Yeah. It is literally like a senile dementia catatonia. Like it's like, who are you? Who are you? Yeah. It's crazy. Was it a fancy watch? It was a G-Shock. Not too fancy. A hundred bucks. Oh,

Okay. Maybe it's time to treat yourself. What do you think? I don't know. I don't have a watch. I can't tell. Okay.

Awful. I'm fucking out of here. Sucking dick and cock. Sucking dick and cock.