A Teeny Weeny Tot Foundation Donation with Trixie and Katya
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Okay, welcome back to another riveting episode of The Bald and the Beautiful. Yes. Right off the bat, what's going on over there? Oh, let me tell you. We got a little Jame Gumm situation happening over here. I am, my face is so torn up. Torn up and shredded and nasty and horrible. From drag? From drag. Yeah, it's really... I can't do a lot, Mary. Listen, listen.

Can I say why you can't do a lot? Sure. Because you remove your makeup with dish soap and do absolutely no moisturizing. No, I moisturize. I absolutely moisturize. You should be using like an oil cleanser or something. Like Albalene? Albalene or like a very like Ayurvedic, like simple natural oil cleanser. I mean, just because oil dissolves makeup. So it's a great way to get the makeup off without stripping your face.

But I want to strip the shingles from the roof. No, I know. I know Dawn is bad. And I like, if I have to do drag. Dawn's not bad, but it's bad if it's like the main event. You know what I mean? You almost should do oil first and then maybe Dawn to remove that. Well, see, I do oil first and then, I mean, sorry, no. I do like Dawn first to get off the, like to strip the paint. And then I do like a face wash to kind of like, you know, this is, I'm in a noisy room, bitch. And there's just nowhere for me to go.

Girl. There's just nowhere. Listen, if you're at home and you're wondering what is with the boot nasty audio, I'm sorry. I moved to a new apartment and the furniture is not like all in here. It's a little echoey. And also there's a car honking outside and it could be a raccoon. I don't know. It's just a lot going on. I'm missing an organ and your face is ripped off. They get what they get. Wait, wait. So –

They get what they get. They get what they get. At this point, the dolls are the dolls. At this point, the dolls are the... Somebody tweeted me just at Trixie Mattel, at this point, the dolls are the dolls. And nothing makes me laugh. Like, that is so funny to me. It is. At this point, the pod is the pod. Oh my God, don't make me laugh. Oh, shit. I'm at the point of healing where now it only hurts if I really laugh. Okay. Well, so going back to your thing. So you want to take your temperature. Yeah.

I want to make sure that nothing funny happens. By the way, speaking of me missing work, the episode... Can you believe it? I could not believe it. The Twilight episodes of Netflix were so good. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're great. Yeah, we had a good time. We had a good time. Juju was great and Fina got me absolutely together. That AIDS joke, Mary. I can't believe they kept it in. I can't either. It was so vicious and brutal and wild. It was so crazy. I believe the line was...

Uh, no dick is worth, no dick is worth dying for. Tell that to gay guys in the eighties. Yeah. Brutal. I mean, she would know she was there. Yeah. Yeah. We, and then also there's an episode, there's another one coming up, um, at some point, I don't know when with, um, jinx. Oh, work. Yeah. Yeah.

There's another one. But you said earlier, so you were worried about your temperature and you're worried that you have a bum thermometer. You got to go up the bum to get the right temperature. Do you think, I mean, I got this from the CVS and this looks, this wasn't like the, I'm not saying I'm the best, but I ain't the worst. Like this wasn't the $4 thermometer, but this wasn't the $50 thermometer. You need the rectal. You need rectal temperature, mama.

This thermometer has given me everything from 99.8 to 103 in the past two hours. Yeah, it's – no. That's crazy. Like just when you're talking about a difference of a few degrees, you know what I mean? That's just not it. Yeah. Let's see. What you got there now? 101.4. I mean that seems possible. Okay. That's not true, Ellen. You were invited. Have you ever seen that clip? Are you kidding? No.

That bitch is braver than the goddamn Marines. Yeah, it's so good. It's so good. Actually, Ellen, you know what I realized about her? I was like, wow, she's so ballsy. You know why? Because that's the fucking daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. Yeah. Ross Cajones. Melanie Griffith, Don Johnson, giving birth to Dakota Johnson. Yeah. Melanie Grifter and Don Johnson.

I mean, do you know how much I love Ellen? I feel like we're not ever allowed to say it anymore because people get mad all the time. But that bitch, that bitch's early standup is the funniest shit I've ever heard in my entire life. Really? Yes. Her albums Taste This, her album Here and Now. When you think of the fact that she's not swearing, it's not about sex or filth or like, it's just about like... Is it about tennis shoes? Just like the human experience of things like, is there a God or, you know...

cell phones. She's just fucking funny. That bitch is fucking funny. I don't know her. Maybe she is a huge bitch. Who knows? Apparently she's a monster. I don't need my daytime or primetime TV hosts to be care bears off camera. I really don't. You want them to be grizzled ice road truckers. Murderers. I believe that they should be allowed to have bad days or have a bad interaction with someone.

So she raped the guy. Let's address the elephant in the room. It's like when people are mad at RuPaul. I'm like, well, what did you want? Did you want her to call you every day? Did you want her to embrace you and tell you that you're now her best friend? Yeah. Yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I don't know exactly what happened, but you know. I don't either. Yeah. And I don't need to know. No. You know what? Dude.

You look so crazy. I look like Voldemort. Exactly like Voldemort. By the way, you in this mask going like this, it's too much. How do you think, like when you think of the, you know, you did it at eight years ago. 32. God, that would be like if I did it now. 32. I'm almost 40 and I'm feeling her.

I'm feeling her. I'm feeling her up at the fucking dance. I'm feeling up her titties in the back of the car. I'm feeling the wrong side of 40. Yeah. I'm still at an age where I'm like, people are gender fluid. I'm age fluid a little bit. Like if I'm with David's like 25 year old friends, I'm like, we're young. Like when I'm talking to you, I'm like, Mary mama, Mary mama, give up the gig mama.

If they want me, they won't be. If they don't, they don't, gal. Oh, girl. But yeah, I was in, guess what, tomorrow. So I'm having to wake up 6 a.m. two days in a row. For someone like me, that's a lot. Now, guess what my call time is? In drag tomorrow. 6.45. Fully painted. In drag? In drag. Camera ready. Camera ready. Ready for camera. At 6.45. Can I just say this?

Can I just say this? You brought this on yourself. I sure did. I said yes. You sure did. I said yes to the dress and now I realize the dress is made with feces. Yeah. I'm wearing a shit dress. I'm wearing a human turd dress. You said yes to the dress Atlanta. Mark Turduck. Mark Turduck. Turcums. I don't know. I've never seen, say yes to the dress. Is it what you think it is? It's just people looking for a dress? I've never seen it either. I just said that.

It feels like looking for a wedding dress would be like one segment on a show like We're Here. So the fact that it's a whole episode of people looking at dresses is a little puzzling to me. Yeah. But you know what, though? Straight people fucking love wedding dresses. Yeah, Bridezilla. And they love weddings. They love Bridezilla. They love people going apeshit and crazy and cuckoo and wild and nuts.

Girl, I think we just talked about weddings. We did. So we don't have to go there. So we can't do it again. But like, here's the thing. I thought about it.

I'm glad I don't have to wear a dress for a wedding, but I also think two men in tuxes is anticlimactic. Where's the gown? Where's the drama? Where's the fantasy? I completely agree. The wedding dress sort of is the pièce de résistance. Yeah. Well, where's the damsel? Like if you're going to go, like, that's why I think we might've touched on it, but that's why I'm like, Oh, see, this is the thing, guys. We don't have to do the straight thing. Like we don't have to, like, we don't have to do the tux. Like, I mean, I don't know. Like, yeah.

That's what – like I want – when straight people are like, oh, well, we just tied the knot. When are you guys going to get hitched? I want to turn to them in almost like a stream of consciousness like from Dusk Till Dawn. Like from Dusk Till Dawn, Selma Hayek, Clive Barker, like morph into a demon and look them right in the eyes and go –

We're not getting married. We're going on vacation and sucking cock and doing drugs because we don't have kids and we are both self-employed. Have a nice day. We're gay.

Yeah. I just always felt like I laid down the gauntlet of like not participating in any of that the day I told my mom I was gay. And I love it. Yeah. Yeah. I put in my time. I've done my two weddings. You know, I'm not like, that's it. That's it. And I think it's about controlling women. I know not everybody feels that way, but I think it's about controlling women. Okay.

Okay. Tell them, tell them about it. Talk about it. That's how I feel. That's how I feel. I feel like we can't carry these traditions on that are clearly linked to like owning women. Yeah. And then pretend that they're not. Yeah.

The same reason we have to acknowledge things like the cops being established to, you know, like oppress people of color. Like we have to trace the lines, people. Where's the line? Follow the money. Yeah. That being said, I love going to weddings and I love cake, bitch. You don't have to go to a wedding to get cake. I know, but it's funny.

You like doing that stupid chicken dance, don't you? Oh, don't laugh. Don't laugh. We're dire straits. Dire straits. So you had your appendix taken out. We've touched on it, but how was the convalescence? How's the recovery? Well, the pain is almost gone and I'm supposed to DJ Evita tonight and I...

I'm not feeling well, to be honest. I'm not feeling well. At the time of this podcast, I've already... She's a sick woman. Started to mull it over that I might have to call in the dogs tonight and not be able to go. Now, were you going to... You weren't going to DJ and drag, were you? I was. I was going to do 90 minutes. 90 minutes? Yes. I pulled out a fabulous set of some...

new disco and some disco and some house music and some tech and some, some just, I have a great set planned. I've been planning it for days. I already put all the music on a hard drive. I already pulled. And because of my stitches, I pulled an outfit. That's a caftan that I could be nude underneath. Good. Yeah. I was planning to make this happen. So I'm still, I'm hoping my, I got my day quill because guess what, Mary, the fever is, the fever is back. This is my like fourth fever in three weeks.

Are there any doctors in the crowd? Are there any doctors in the crowd? Like immunologists or like a specialist? Ears, nose and throat guys? Like what's going on? I have two minds about it because I've never been sick this long without sniffles, coughs, sore throat. None of that. Is it Munchausen? Is it fucking Munchausen, baby? It could be. Stockholm. Stockholm Munchausen. Munchausen by Stockholm. But I also think when people in our position talk constantly about their ailments, it's not becoming...

So my options are to either share with the audience why polite is because they care about me or collapse silently and leave people wondering what happened. Well, there's got to be a middle ground. Okay. Basically I've been sick for about four weeks, almost four weeks. It's fucking crazy. I have a constant lightheadedness, constant thirst. Dizziness. Yes. Dizziness on and off diarrhea. Loss of appetite. Appetite will be gone for days at a time.

What the fuck? Yeah, it's horrible. It's crazy. I go to a doctor like twice a week to try to see what's happening, get my blood checked, get my pee checked.

It's horrible. And then I got my appendix out, which maybe is part of it. Who knows? I mean, I'm just reaching inside and pulling out organs at this point to see what happens. So you got the appendix. Let's get the gallbladder next. I've never been sick longer than maybe five days. So my heart goes out to anybody with chronic illness. I mean, this is horrible. It's horrible. It's fucking horrible. Let me tell you about your health. You take it for granted. Oh, yeah.

And you know what's not conducive to being sick? What? Drag, bitch. No. Drag, bitch. If I could go sit at the front desk at Petco at a register, sick, I would. Cross-dressing, sick. Cross-dressing already is sick. It is sick. It's sick and rotten, and it only further exacerbates any symptoms of illness, for sure. So what's going to happen to your face tomorrow when you have to put makeup on? I guess we'll find out.

Do you know what you're serving? Do you know what you're serving? Pam in True Blood when she's in that coffin and that curse is on her. Oh, totally. I should put a wig on. Oh, I am. Yeah, I just, oh my God. When he told me the call time for today, I was like, I had that moment. I was like, he's got to be joking. He's got to be joking. I was like, well, why would he joke about that? And then he sure wasn't joking. He's serious. So what time are you getting up to put makeup on? 3.30? 4? No, I'm getting up at 4.30. Okay.

To go to set by four to five and then start putting makeup on by five. No, I'm getting picked up in drag. Yeah. How do you feel about it? I feel horrible. I feel horrible about it. I got to tell you. Because not only that, though, it's not like I thought he was going to be like, it's an early call time, but don't worry. It's an early day. He said, it's an early call time. And unfortunately, it's a very long day.

Why don't you just come in my house and put a gun up my ass and fire it? I was going to complain about my week, but... No, no. I mean, you can complain. No, I had to be in drag. You know, we were filming Trixie Motel right now. And we had to go 50 minutes out of Palm Springs to another location. And Oprah says to never go to a second location. And we were filming in drag outside somewhere. Yeah, in the desert. No, no.

Can we go back to a time where I was in drag at midnight in dark nightclubs? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What is this well-lit environment before noon? What? I know. It's funny. I do appreciate a day job, doing jobs during the day and not being up really late at night. But then something about like, I remember when being in drag at 8 o'clock p.m. was early.

Girl, sorry. I got another Venmo request. People, my Venmos. Wait, what? Oh, the fans have my Venmo and they constantly request money. Why? Oh, because you're rich. This person says, I'm a comedian. I'm a, let's see. Let's read the Venmo request and decide whether or not they're valid or what they're asking for. I'll be the judge. I'll be the, you know. I'll be the judge. Before we do that, let's take a break. Okay. Okay.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. Now let's get in here. By the way, I've never given any of these people money, so I don't know who they are. If they're fans of me, they know I don't just give away money, honey. Okay. Let's see. What are they asking for? Crypto meth. Crypto meth.

crypto crypto meth coming at you tgi crypto meth dj crypto meth yeah that's me i found a dj named dj tanner which is the name of one of the characters from full house yeah that's good that's sickening honey that's sickening bitch bitch that's so sickening bitch um are you watching dracula i have not seen dracula yet but um are you on it this week

I was just on it last week, and let me just say that they are turning the parties down at the Dracula. Can I say that on Drag Race when people are crying because they don't know how to install an invisible zipper? People on Dragula are over there doing Avengers. I know. They're crying because someone has an ice pick up their ass. Like, they're crying because they're getting in a coffin to be buried alive and have snakes poured on their face. Meanwhile, on Drag Race, they're like, I don't know how to do a fitted bodice. Yeah.

What's the most gruesome thing so far in Dracula? The exterminations are pretty horrible. Spoiler alert, won't say who. These two queens had to stick their arms into leech-filled waters and let leeches suck on them. No, thank you. No. It's pretty crazy. The Brothers Bulette. They are so wild.

They are on their own level. They're on their own journey. They're doing their own thing. And it's, it's, um, they put them through it. I'm sorry. I know it's a hundred thousand dollars. My ass would walk for any of these. Like I would leave and they say, you're getting in this hole. I would go, no, not, no, I'm not. I'm leaving right now. But I guess at this point in season four, they know what they're getting into. Absolutely. Absolutely. You don't go into that show unless you're like, you're, you're a kooky, spooky, kooky, wookie.

When I was judging Queen of the Universe... Wait, wait, wait. What's the demo request? Oh, I'm trying to find them.

I'm trying to find them. How do you find... Okay, this person says, trans comedian filming a special tonight. Need to promote. And they're requesting $50. $50? $50. I mean, that's... I mean, I love that, but I can't give you money. I'm sorry. $5. This person says $15. Bestie, I need a drink. No, no drinks. Dry mouth. $100. For weed and vodka to watch my cousin Vinny. No. These people are getting wild. $100. I'm a broke college student. No. It's crazy. Any abortions?

This person, $100. It's my birthday. No. Oh, I love this. Okay. I'm going to actually do this. Okay. So this person requests $1. Help a fag out. Oh, I love that. Let's pay $1. Don't make it public, though. Don't make it public, though. You know what? I can't say yes to any of these because we're setting a precedent. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Actually, yeah. This one, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. This one requests $5 and says teeny weeny top foundation donation. Ah!

What the fuck is that? Do we have to give $5 for the teeny weenies? Yeah, could I have $5 for the teeny weenies? This person asked for five grand for a MacBook and rent. What would they live in? New York City, baby? That's a lot of rent. Oh, this person's simple. $5. Can I get Dunkin' Babe? I have to go to therapy. No. I'm just... I can't give away money. I'm sorry. You know what? I do give away money, but...

But not all the time and not to people on Venmo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know you. I don't know your life.

I just made a generous donation to the Vanderpump Dog Foundation because it was Lisa's birthday. And I was like, what do you buy somebody who drives a Rolls Royce? Yeah. Give someone who needs money a millionaire. Yeah. I was like, what do I, I mean, I don't want to count her money, but I'm sure hundreds of millions of dollars. Oh, really? It's that much? Yeah. I think she rolls like that. Oh, perfect. So she's definitely, she's in dire need. So I was like, I'll just give her a donation to her charity.

Yeah. Because that's like – she doesn't need anything? No. She needs to be robbed. It's just my brother's birthday yesterday. And he was like – I was like, what do you want for your birthday? He's like, just get – what did he say? Get me an oddity. That's what I usually do for you. What? An oddity? He said if I wanted something, I would have bought it already. He's a successful – Mama, I feel that though. I feel that. Yeah. And he's five years older than me. Like what am I going to buy my 75-year-old brother? Yeah.

So then he sent me a picture of him in his ice shack. So I was like, oh, I'll get him. He's ice fishing. I'll get him some ice fishing paraphernalia. I'm Googling ice fishing, trying to figure out what anything is. Why don't I give you a bag of ice and some fish and you can figure it out? Has he seen the movie Grumpy Old Man? Maybe on VHS? There's a lot of ice fishing factors in heavily to the plot in that movie. So maybe he'll enjoy that.

And maybe he'll relate to it as the years advance. Yeah. Well, that's me and you, Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon. Uh-huh. Yeah. Have you seen The Grumpy Old Man? Of course. That hot bitch. Anne Margaret. Anne Margaret. Anne Margaret. Jumping in the snow, going back in the sauna, screaming. Love that. Yeah. Anne Margaret. Hot bitch. Snowmobiling down the street at midnight. Yeah.

Have you ever seen her in the movie Tommy? Oh, beans, mama. Beans sticking out. Beans. Beans sticking out. Beans. The way she – I hate to say this, but the way she ate. She ate. She shit on them. She shit on them. And speaking of people who eat, the gays – I'm just going to say this. This was the first year I've sat home and looked at Halloween costumes all week for Halloween because, you know, I'm in socials. I wasn't at the gig. Yeah. Gay men do better with these Halloween costumes. Yeah.

You are not serving with your fucking terrible Halloween costumes. I'm pretty much over the gate. I just want to be a slut thing. But just like, just do that. Some of these are like, like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know about an Amazon wig. What was the, what was the tea this year? What was the all squid game and shit? It was a lot of like, oh, we're going to gag the children. Nobody's going to go a squid game.

The number one popular show in the world. If I had been out on Halloween and seen people at Squid Game, I would have been that girl and turned around and started shooting people. He would have shot them. If you go out on Halloween in a Squid Game outfit, you are inviting being shot. You're going to get sniped, mama. Sniped. Did you clock any good costumes at the gigs?

Well, the girls at the Dracula Ball always turn it. Absolutely. Unreal. Unreal. And there I am with my underboob. I'm like, girl, I don't know. By the way, meanwhile, Alaska filled in for me at Halloween, and I noticed that she also served a body illusion. She sure, it was incredible. In a way that perhaps. Oh, eclipsed mine a bit? Well, oh yeah. I gave underboob, she gave everything else. She gave like. Thigh. Thigh.

Pussy. Like a real woman. Well, I don't know about that. From stage. Yeah, it was great from the stage. It was incredible. Incredible. I read your sub stack about your situation. I don't want to ruin it for people. Go read the sub stack, but I can't believe you're- That's just part one. I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I need to be institutionalized again. I think someone needs to step in. Step in and be like- And step on. What are you doing?

You need to take a look at the things that you're doing in your life, bitch. And you need to do different things. Yeah.

Yeah. You need to think about what you're doing and do something else. Do something else, honey. Honey, you need to go in a new direction. You need to figure things out because you don't know what's going on. You fucking stupid bitch. Do you have a YouTube channel? Yeah. You know what happened? You got to do something else, you whore. This is only a minor pivot. I was watching straight porn for a while and now my porn hub constantly is suggesting straight porn. And I was like, it was a phase. It was a phase. Yeah.

Do I have to use ExpressVPN and wipe? Do I have to screen wipe? Do I have to factory reset my phone? To get gay porn? You've got to get a different profile on that Pornhub, a little straighty. I've been watching the straight porn. I was doing a porn fast and then I broke it.

Whatever. It's fine. A porn fast? Were you trying to do like the Spartans? Like no jerk off November? No, no, no, no, no. I was not trying to not masturbate. I was trying to just resensitize my nervous system to like – if you don't hook up with people for a while and you just look at porn, that's like porn and sex are just the only thing. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

That has never happened to me, but I know that that does happen to people. Yeah, it happens a lot. I mean, people have like Mondo porn addictions. I don't have porn addiction, but like, it's like, you know, it gets your nervous system gets sensitized to just looking at stuff and that's it. So I wanted to get back to the place where I could like jerk off without any visual stimulation. Yeah. Can I ask, I think we should have a sensitive conversation about Big Hogs.

No. Oh. As I've become more of an ally to trans people in my life through learning more about trans people, I think, how many times in my life have I maybe come close to being with a man who does not have a penis and...

Would I have been at a place in my life where that would have like stunned me or like, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I've been in this situation before. If Dave and I ever broke up, like, and I dated again and somebody we're dating or we were hooking up and they, it was a man who had different equipment. Yeah. I think at this point I would be like,

down for it. Yeah. Yeah. But I think, I think like younger, I'm like, I'm glad that never happened to me when I was like 21, because I don't think I was equipped with like the knowledge or empathy to like handle it. Yeah. I think I would have been like, well,

I know. Absolutely. I mean, thinking about the way that I handled rejection in general. Exactly. I'm like, Jesus Christ, there's no way I would have handled that diplomatically or compassionately. I would have made things horrible for both of us. But that happened to me a couple of times. And I think for me, because I tend to get so fixated on what's going on in the back. I'm looking for that dumper.

You know what I mean? I like, it's not really, it's not a huge factor because I don't look for, I'm never looking for hung. Yeah. Like I want the connection in general, but I guess like what I'm saying is like 10 years ago. Oh yeah. Yeah. Even if I had the connection, I think it would have scratched me in the moment. You'd be like, wait, no, I can't. Right. Exactly. I mean, I remember my first boyfriend in college was uncircumcised and even that took me like off guard. Wow. I'd never, I'd never been with somebody uncircumcised. So yeah.

Now I think I'm out of place. Yeah. I could have healthy, consensual relationships with a lot of different types of people. It's too bad that none of them will have it with you. Well, if this sickness takes me, I think I'll just turn off the alarm on my house and just let people come by. You know how people do a wake? It's kind of like a wake. Except people are just dropping hot loads. And we could keep my body warm. Oh.

Somehow. Yeah. Are people watching? Did you see the season finale of what we do in the shadows? Bitch. I love that show. Can I just say this? I love that show. We got to get Guillermo in the pod. Harvey's available Sunday if you can. Oh my God. We have to.

We have to, I don't want to jinx it, but we may or may not have someone from the show. That is the funniest show on television. And I know that because I watched one show and that's it. Yeah. It's so good. I just finished it last night. This, the third season. And it's just so fierce and it's, it's so funny and so fierce and I love it so much. So funny. It reminds me of, um,

The Office in the sense of like it's an ensemble show where every single person is my favorite. Yeah. For different reasons. And it is like – it's the interview types that mockumentary style as The Office. And everybody's just good. Everybody's good. And the script is so fucking good. The script is so good. It's so funny. The writing is incredible. It's like a joke a second and –

The fact that they have gotten such a loyal audience now, you can tell that they're getting more money. Yeah. Because they get to be more absurd and ambitious with the storylines and the special effects. I mean, the special effects on this show...

I don't know if you remember the first episode where they meet the count and it's like the best vampire makeup I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. On a pilot of a TV show. I know. I know. But it's not like they do. It has a charming quality. It's not like so incredible. Like they do still do some of the effects are kind of not boo boo, but they're like,

They're folky in a way, you know, like where it's not like watching the Avengers. You know, it still has that kind of like down-to-earth feel. I don't know how to describe that. And there's some of the running jokes, like every time they go to fly and Lazlo yells bat. It's so stupid. It's so stupid. And they really commit to it. Or like Nadia's little doll now that's just a regular character. Yeah.

It's so cute. It's so cute. Some of those episodes, the one where they meet their ghosts of themselves is so good. Yeah. I was so into this season with the cult leader, the anti-vampire cult leader. Yes! It was so crazy. It was so batshit. I could tell that that was not going to be a long storyline, but I would have been ready for it to be the whole season. Absolutely. It was so... The fucking... The siren...

that like chicken lady siren was like so bizarre. It's so crazy. What about when Lass was like, or when Nandor was like, I can prove I'm human and start singing that song. Like that's the test of being a human. No, it was like, cooked ahead to the side and said, I'm angry. Five days. Like so stupid. Yeah. Really stupid. I mean, that is such a funny show. I don't even know where to like, and also the sets. I know. You watch them in these sets and you're like,

Like this is fucking crazy. So good. So good. The budget. I know. I hope we get to talk to him. I can't wait to, I can't wait to meet him. He's such a, he's such an amazing character. He's really the best character. And the show about vampires, he has stolen the show. I mean, there was that whole, that, that, like there's been a few times, but like the scenes where he's just taken out vampires, like the fight scene in this one with him and Laszlo, he's hysterical. So good. So fucking funny. So good. So good. So good.

He's just so much smarter than these people who are hundreds of years old. Also, the opening credits...

I can't every time I watch it. Yeah. I do too, actually. I do too. The pictures of them older, the picture of Guillermo with the vampire makeup on is so fucking funny. I love the picture of Nadja in the 80s looking like Susie Sue. It's so cute. Yes. Yeah, it's great. It's so good. And I also love when they're explaining vampire lore and they cut to these whack-ass violent illustrations. Yeah. They're your tea. Yeah, it is my tea.

You should see if you can draw some for them. I want to draw one of these. I would take out the trash for them. I would do anything. You would be good on that show. Maybe there's an episode where they'll go to like a gay bar. Yeah. Kill me. What about the fact that – not to ruin it for everyone. What about the fact that – RuPaul. RuPaul. RuPaul. RuPaul. And what about the fact that in this reality, if you've ever played a vampire on a movie or TV, you are a real vampire. So funny. So good. They called Scott Bacula because –

Bacula. They thought he was Dracula. It's so stupid. What about when they have the Vampiric Council and Wesley Snipes is on a Zoom? Yeah.

Evan Rachel Wood. Yeah. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. So funny. So funny. And Tilda Swinton. Yeah. Yeah. This off the chain. By the way, speaking of vampires, I couldn't believe watching. I watched your recap of Twilight with Fina. And I maybe haven't seen those movies all the way through in a long time. They're so bad. That ending fight scene that turns out to be a dream. A vision, mama. A vision of what? With the heads popping off. Heads popping off. Heads popping off.

Yeah, with no blood. Not a drop of blood. Just popping them like pez. No, L. Fanning. L. Fanning. I said Dakota. It's L. Fanning. No, Dakota Fanning is that bitch with the red eyes who makes people be in pain. Oh, Dakota Johnson is... Wait. Dakota Fanning is in this movie. Who is L. Fanning? L. Fanning is Dakota Fanning's sister. Younger sister? I believe younger. Who would play her? Dakota Fanning would play her. They look a lot alike. Yeah.

I think we're done. But those movies are crazy. And you know, yeah, we are done, but can I just say this? Yes. I was watching your recap of it going, people really like this though. It's not a joke to people. People like it. It's a worldwide. That woman is rich.

Rich. But is it Fifty Shades? Are people like – I'm assuming most of the fans of it are women, cis women. And are they jerking it to vampires biting them? Is that the appeal? I really honestly don't know because – Is it the romance of like I want to kill people but not you, never you? I don't know. I mean because I've jerked it to Anne Rice novels. That was my vampire porn. Anne Rice? Anne Rice, yeah.

Who's that? Oh, you don't know Anne Rice? Like interview with the vampire? Oh, yeah. I guess there's like an exchange. I mean, vampires are sexy, but not in Twilight. Well, I mean, we don't think they're sexy. I don't think they're sexy, but people were very, and there's also that rivalry, like, you know, the gaunt, like intellectual guy or the, it was like brains versus brawn essentially maybe, or like the broody guy versus the brawny guy.

Or like the... And then the guy imprinting on the baby? I don't even know what that was. Wolf's fucking babies? I don't even know what the fuck that is. Stay away from that baby. Where is that damn baby? I don't know. That Polar Express baby. The face. The Polar Express face. I fucking couldn't take it. And you know about the robot baby. I do. The real baby. I've seen it. I've seen her...

I changed my Twitter picture to her like every couple months for a few days. Just to check in. Just to check in. On Renesmee. On Renesmee, honey. That's three different names. You named my baby after Loch Ness Monster. Get out of town. She had to deliver that line. I don't even blame her. Who would blame her? Who would pay her? Who would pay her?

Okay, bye. Thank you, everybody. Goodbye. We'll see you next week, hopefully with Guillermo.