Ep 464 - Not A Fireside Chat
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Here we go. What's going on, dude? Good to be just having a regular chat, dude. Just no big deal. Nothing new with fireside. Normal chat. We're here with our new and real producer. True.

Josh Cabaza. Josh, dude, what's up? How you doing, man? Motherfucking Josh Cabaza. Gardini, LeMair, where the fuck are you guys? It's crazy to have like an actual producer. Totally legit. Look at that. Thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah. How are these two fools fiddling with the camcorder, dude? Two stoners fucking around. Eating chips.

Dude, I've been waiting, dude. I've been down here every night wondering if you're looking at the same moon. I'm like, he's probably down here. Meanwhile, I was just, oh, fuck. That was fun. It was fun to get down here.

It's totally disorienting to be in a different place. I've never... Brittany always makes fun of me. She's like, you've never moved. I was like, I went to Philadelphia from Delaware County. No, moving far away is so sad. It's so sad and scary. It's so scary, dude. Yeah, I was telling you, I was crying, dude. I left my family dinner. I looked at my brother, looked at me, and I was like, see you guys. Bye, guys. Yeah, I didn't quite cry.

But driving from the airport, getting here, I was like driving through just because there was traffic. I was like, fuck, I fucked up. Fuck. This is a huge mistake. I want to be home. That's the issue, too. That's the thing. I'm a catastrophizer. So anything that's gone slightly wrong, I'll be in my car like I can't do this. I can't do anything. This is all fucked up. Everything's fucked. Everything's wrong. I need to go home.

This is a mistake. That's been the last two weeks of my life. Just go any friction. I go, I can't do this. I can't do this. I cried when I got to Spain, dude. That was a big move. I went to Spain and I just laid in bed the first day. Just like...

Movers should help you with that. They should cuddle. People who, yeah, they should finish moving your stuff in and then hold you. Hey man, you want a hug? Yeah. You don't want me to jerk you off. No, I don't need a hug, dude. Thank you. And they go, come on, let's hug. And they go, for real, dude, don't hug me. Yeah, that'd be nuts. Yeah, you can fight them a little bit and finally give in and be like...

I'm so sad. I'm going to miss my mom and dad. Dude, get off. Get off me. I saw my mom and dad like once every four months anyway. Yeah, true. It's not going to be a big change. True. But you're far. The difference between three hours and here is not huge. True. You know? With the flights and whatnot.

That's true. You've been in Philly the whole time. Yeah, I've been fucking going anywhere. I was just sitting in Philadelphia. I thought you lived in New York. Since I was 18. I lived in Philadelphia since I was 18. Wow. Yeah. Then I moved. I told you I walked past. I was in the airport this weekend when I was trying to get to Spokane.

And there was a I had to connect a flight and I saw a Philadelphia flight and like a moth. I literally started to walk towards it and was like, that's not your home, dude. I got so sad. So sad. I started just like a dog walking towards it. I was like, where are we right now? I'm in Denver. I have to get to Spokane. Not knowing where you are is the fuck. I didn't know. I was late.

Uh, cause I was, I was with Chappelle all week. Not a big deal. But then, uh, not a big deal. I just had to tell you guys where I was. Whatever dude. Oh, by the, all right, let me tell you about that. So I was with Dave Chappelle's filming a new special. It was pretty cool. I think I'm allowed to say it. Yeah. I think people were there. Yeah. Um, but he filmed it at where he filmed killing him softly. So it was like, it was pretty sick. Yeah. And then they were like,

Dave wants you to open. I was like, yes, I'll absolutely be there. And then I get there and I'm the first opener, which is fine. Yeah, totally fine. Obviously fine. The other two was, it was Lunel and Earthquake. Obviously I'm number one. For sure. And then I get in there, but because it's a taping, they have to start on time. So they're like, all right, seven, get the fuck out there. Dude, I go out to...

30% full, all black room. Lights on. No one's in their seats. The whole time, people are just walking in. Every single show, I fucking ate it like you wouldn't believe. And I just had to stand there like, hey, what's up, guys? People were just...

I would make a joke and people would for real be like, no. Oh, no. You know how ISIS is cool, right? What? And of course it was this past week. So I'm up there like, I support the terrorists, honestly. That's what sucks. I'm not changing my shit, dude. You guys figure it out. That was my only saving moment was I would finish and be like, I understand this isn't the best week for this material.

That would be a laugh. That's pretty funny. The only laughs I got was making fun of my own set. People are like, yeah, you do suck, dude. I was like, guys, you don't know. I'm actually pretty good in the white community. Yeah, you should be. You're giving up your wearing sunglasses inside for some reason. I'm just playing around. Just kidding. It's fucking weird to do that. No, I do it all the time. I get it. Yeah, but ever out to dinner at nighttime? Look,

That's one thing for sure the black community has right against the honkies. True. Sunglasses inside fucking rule. At nighttime too. In a dark club. True. You can't see. What's the point of it? You just can't see anything. Yeah, but no one gets a good read on you. I might start doing that. Going out to dinner with my wife. Oh yeah. Sitting same side in the booth, sunglasses on. True. Don't talk to her once. So sorry, what were you saying? Uh.

Oh, I had to go from the taping straight to Kansas City. So I went from D.C. to Kansas City and I got there at seven o'clock when the show started. Like my flight got delayed. I had to drive straight to the show, change in the green room and go right on stage. And while I was on stage, I was like, where the fuck am I? Like in my head while I was talking, doing stand up, I was like.

What? I don't know what city I'm in. That's... I was like, oh yeah, Kansas City. It's disorienting. It was very disorienting. Dude, I get... It showed in the set. Really? You came out of there. I think so. I was like...

Hey, guys. Yeah. I had the weirdest... I didn't have a panic attack, but I had the beginnings of a panic attack. I was on my way walking with Gardini to one of the shows in Spokane. I was totally sleep-deprived, so I'd been drinking coffee, and I went out and ate a lot of food and stuff. So I'm feeling kind of fucking weird. Yeah, you were wailing it up. I was wailing, dude. I had the wail. I was having a fucking... Just feeling kind of weird, and then I spilled water. I opened a water bottle, and the water got on my hands. I was trying to get the water off my hands, and I was like...

And they wouldn't stop being wet. I'm like, what the fuck's going on? And I forgot. I fucking put lotion on my hands. Not self-care. It was like I had obviously used it for self-care. And I was like sitting there. I'm like freaking out my room. I was just like my hands felt dry. Why do you have lotion?

Oh, it was in my room. I obviously masturbated with it, but I just put it on. You're attributing this particular lotion to the time you were drying your hand. I, for, this is the truth. This was the truth. I had obviously self cared. And then it was like, I was like, my hands are dry. I was like, I was sitting there doing nothing. My hotel was like, if my hands always been this cracked, I was like, something's fucked up with my hands. I put lotion on them. I was just all sleep deprived and bugged out.

put lotion on forgot I had put that lotion on my head which I don't like that feeling at all I'm walking it feels like you're wearing like leather gloves it feels weird so I'm like I get water on my hands and I'm like why is this fucking what and the lotion was just like melting and like coming off so I'm like what is this stuff on my hand I was like about to freak out and I was like am I fucking making this all up right and I was like oh I have lotion on my hands Jesus Christ yeah we're retarded guys Gardini's like talking to me I'm like yeah for sure fuck I might have to fucking call an ambulance dude I'm freaking out

That is a bad feeling, though, when you ever jack off with hotel lotion and then someone's like, you smell good. What is it? Oh, no. I'm like, it's a fucking body wash I just started using. You're like, here, it's around my arm. It's like, that doesn't smell there. It's like,

Oh, no. It's because I was double fisting lotion. You talked about before how they fucking like bolted into the wall. They bolted. That's the worst. It's always like, come on, dude, you know, I'm going to make you get up and walk with a boner from the bed to the bathroom and go back again. Please don't make me do that.

Oh, they make you do it. They do. You got to get a massive handful and head back. You got to get a snowball and head back to your bedroom. What do you got to do? You get a snowball, put it on your chest. Like a painter. Yeah.

This is my palate. I mean, I just like how God made your fingers so they store extra lotion when you need it. True. Fucking pop that out. All those little ribs. They're lotion holders, dude. Yeah, that is truly the only time I really go hard with lotion. Oh, man. In the hotel room. Yeah, you have to. What a disgusting place. Dude, I was talking to Gardini. There is no worse feeling in the world than leaving a show and then just quietly sitting back in your hotel room at nighttime.

It makes you freak out. I don't know what... I've been trying to like... All weekend, I was like, whatever, dude. It's all in my head. That's why I've taken to the bottle. Dude, it's totally understandable. Taking to the bottle after a show is very fun. You just numb yourself out. Because I will leave stone sober from a show and then you sit in a room by yourself and you're just like...

Jesus Christ. Something's wrong. Yeah. It's fucked up. It's all the truthfully. It's just the adrenaline of true. Yeah. It's a real weird adrenaline crash sitting back in like a shitty hotel room in Spokane, Washington. Like, yeah, I'm going to try to get this Netflix to work on this hotel TV. Goddamn logins not working. Who the fuck's on my Netflix? I get freaked out because I go.

I'm just in it's a blank canvas of time and I go well what do I do now and I go I'll watch a YouTube video I know one thing I can do true that's the that's the fucking or eat all right I'm like a baby I'm like we're all feed then you wail out yeah that I am the whale have we have I ever said that on here what my my bastard niece did to me I hate her

There was the thumbnail for the whale was on TV at my sister's house. Of course, my sister told me this. Really? Oh, she didn't even say to you. I wasn't there. That's fucked. My sister called me to go, hey, just so you know, our fucking three-year-old, my three-year-old niece was looking at the television cue and the thumbnail for the whale was on, which is just his fat fucking face. It looks a lot like me, especially. No, I swear to God, it was just his face.

And if you're three years old, she goes, Uncle Shane. I got the phone call and it was like, hey, just so you know, because I thought you were the whale. I was like, all right, well, thanks. I just said for real. I was like, all right, good call. I'll talk to you later. I haven't talked to you in three weeks.

I told you I got my belly looks like Peppa Pig's dad because of that I haven't watched that movie you have to watch it I can't watch it dude if I think people think I look like the whale you don't look like the fucking whale but Zaza thought I did dude I don't look like Peppa Google Peppa Pig's dad dude

Check out Peppa Pig's dad's belly, dude. My belly doesn't fucking look like that. What the fuck, dude? Dude, she got me Peppa Pig's dad. My breath stinks. The other day we're sitting there and she like rubbed my stomach. She goes, what are those bumps? I'm like, they're pimples. Why do you have pimples? You got to get those off. You don't look like Peppa Pig's dad. He has a shitty goatee like me.

If I wore glasses, I'd be ruined. No, you don't look like Peppa Pig. She said my belly looks like Peppa Pig's dad's belly. That is your family. You got the Peppa Pig family. That's why she thinks you look like that, because the family dynamic's perfect. That's true. No, but she said your belly specifically looks like Peppa Pig's dad's belly. Your belly doesn't look like Peppa Pig's. That's what I'm trying to explain to you.

I'm the whale, dude. I am. I watched the movie and I said, that is me. That is exactly how I do it. He just talked. This is the whale's thumbnail. You can see it. Devastating. Did you Google it right away? No, I knew exactly what it was. I've seen the fucking thumbnail.

You've got to watch the movie, dude. I refuse to watch it. You've got to Captain Ahab, dude. I will never watch it. That's the elusive whale, dude. You have to watch it.

Dude, I don't want to spoil it for you. The opening scene. Did you watch The Whale? No. The opening scene is the best opening scene, I think, of every movie. Can I give you just the... Better than Saving Private Ryan in Gladiator? 50 times better. That's a terrible take. I'm kidding. It's more... I would say it's more hair-raising than the reenactment of Stormy D-Day. Yeah. Can I tell you what happens? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, the dude is fapping to gay porn right off the bat. That's... Yeah. And he starts having a heart attack, and someone walks in, and he's so fat, he can't close his laptop.

I was on the plane, dude. Dying laughing. You gay? The whale's gay? What the fuck? I didn't know the whale was gay. He's gay. It makes it worse. He's fat and gay. And he's so lazy.

He just talks about writing all the time. What, that he's going to be a writer? Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. I was telling... Maybe I didn't even tell... I thought I told Brittany this. Maybe I didn't tell anyone, but that's why I stay in peak physical shape. So that when I'm... Not if, but when I'm watching gay porn, if someone comes in, I go... Real quick. Yeah, I practice all day. Yeah.

Time. Time. Dude, he's like, and the kid comes in. He's like, how can I help you? And the kid just watches two dudes have sex in the shower. He's like, are you okay? Dude, it's the best beginning of anything. This thing got on here. I can't turn it. He has this little grabber. He picks everything up with it.

Fuck. It's the fucking funny thing. Maybe I will have to see. That is significantly more jarring than D-Day. Oh, dude, it's crazy. I mean, yeah, dude, it's crazy. But that is good that he's gay. It's awesome. Because it's a lot easier to find dudes that'll get in there and start fucking you if you're that size. He's having a tough time. Oh, he can't find any bros? No, there's no bros. He had a bro. That's bullshit. The whole nature of the movie is he did have a bro. And his bro... You don't think a skinny black dude would come in there and fucking blow him? No.

LAUGHTER

I mean, maybe. Probably. Maybe. Yeah, he's thick as fuck. He is thick as hell. He's thick as hell. The pizza man, now that you say that, the pizza man's trying to smash, I think. Is he really? Because the pizza man just leaves two pies. First of all, he does two pies. He leaves two pies on his doorstep. Dude, too large. Too large on the doorstep. And the pizza man's always like, are you okay in there? He might be having them on his dick. He's always like, he's trying to come in the whole movie. He's like, my name is blah, blah, blah. And he's like...

Thank you. My name's Troy. He won't face the pizza man. And one day, I don't want to spoil the whole movie, but... Tell me. I don't give a fuck. The pizza man, at one point, he opens the door and the pizza man is away. He like tricks him as if he left and he's waiting. He looks at him. He's like, oh, I just grabbed the pizza. Can he walk? Barely. Okay. Barely. With a walker.

They can walk with a walker. But then he just gets two pies and goes ham on them. Bro. I've seen clips of him feeding. The feast. He feasts at one point. He breaks down and feasts. And it's like, I was literally like, he was jerking off the gay porn and stuff. And I was like, whatever. He started eating. I was looking around the airport, like the airplane, like. I don't want anyone to see. Yeah, that was you hiding your gay porn. Yeah.

that's fucking weird that is the worst feeling is on an airplane and you start watching yeah just i judge if i see people watching a movie with sex i'm like over their seat kind of like what the fuck dude chill out i watched i watched a guy watching like uh the george foreman movie and then he watched like another like what's the movie with like all the dudes in a deli in like brooklyn or something you ever see that movie before it's like a

I don't know. It was like, it was, it was just a fucking weird movie. It's just a bunch of, it seemed like he clicked on like the black voices section or something. Is it a black movie of dudes in a deli? It was like a Latin, like a Latino movie. But I thought he like, it was, I thought he was like checking like the collect, like the racial collections. Yeah. The racial collections need to go. We've done enough.

How can he not close his computer, but he can jack off? He set it up, got into fucking whale position. So he like set it up kind of a little bit. He put it, he put it up. I understand he put it up a little bit high so he can get like a nice vantage of it. And then he chilled back on the couch. He laid back far enough to get his. If he had time, he could have grabbed his walker, stood himself back up, but he started having a heart attack. No, he's saying how can he jack off?

Not going to reach his penis. He has to literally, they kind of, he's like, he's under his stomach just fucking pumping.

Probably feels great. That's got to be fucking awesome. That's got to be of all the, it's like a cream of all the problems. Yeah. He's in veg. Obviously there's a lot of cons to wailing out. I might give this thing a shot. Dude, it was pretty tight, but yeah, he was, I guess like the exertion cream pilot for your own thighs.

Oh, yeah. You can put your belly against... Whoa. Whoa, I never thought about that. Give it a fucking shot. I never thought about it. That'd be kind of nice. Could be nice. Might have to christen this house with a thigh. Cream thigh. With an exposed asshole cream thigh. Just get walked in on. What are you doing? Get the fuck out of here. Trying to simulate a cream thigh with my stomach and my thighs. That'd be nice. Yeah, I guess it was just a pure desire to procreate. He just...

He probably had, if I had guessed, he probably had like a month-long nofap stored up in him. And, you know, they say gay is stronger than fat, so his gay impulses are stronger than his fat impulses. They say gay is stronger than fat. Yeah, the movies on an airplane really get you. I'll watch a movie on an airplane, but that was one of the best movies ever. Yeah. And you tell someone about it, and they're like, that sucked. Yeah.

I could have done anything else. Everyone was ripping on Frazier for the whale. I thought he was loved for that. Didn't he cry or something? He just kept going around crying everywhere. Everybody hated me since the mummy. And now I'm a fat gay guy and everyone loves me again. Yeah, I saw...

Whenever I see someone else's screen watching a movie, I watch theirs. Oh, yeah. Which is a common thing. I didn't... Dude, I judged a guy. He was a grown man watching the Super Mario Brothers movie. And I was going... I've seen so many of those fucking weird dudes. Dude, there's everywhere. Businessmen. They abound, dude. They're crazy people. Yeah, man. I watched them. I'm kind of fucking losers. Why didn't I... Dude, instantly, I just watched the whole movie over and over. Yeah, you just watched it on your screen. As soon as I saw one thing, I'm like, wait, they live...

In this world? And I just was 45 minutes of like... Just watching it. I watched Guardians of the Galaxy 3 on another guy's screen. And then I got here. And as soon as I got here, I put it on and just cried. Yeah, I did cry. I did cry. Guardians of the Galaxy 3, dude. That'll get you. Holy fuck. That'll get you. It's the saddest one yet. Yeah, I didn't see it. No, it's not as sad as...

You like Guardians of the Galaxy at all? Yeah, we've watched them all. They're wonderful. I don't like comic book movies at all. They're the best. That one's the best. Yeah. Just because it has a good soundtrack. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's really all it takes for me to like it. Chris Pratt's hot ass. Chris Pratt's fucking cool and funny and hot.

He's not over the top like Ryan Reynolds. He does the comedy exactly the right way. Reynolds is too much. Dude, Deadpool is just too much. Batista's hilarious in that. The what? Batista, he's the big guy. He's unbelievable. He's so funny in that. He's unbelievable. Deadpool, I'm going to remake Deadpool, but dead serious. No jokes. That'd be fucking good. No messing around. It'd be so fucking sick. Yeah, Reynolds is just, it's too much. It's attitude overload.

He's got major... I walked out of the theater. I went, this is too much attitude. And I just walked out. Sarcasm is definitely his first line. What a cunt character that is. Kill that character. Well, you watched it. We moved to... Yeah, I got to watch Guardians of the Galaxy. Cried like a fucking loser. Not a big deal. That'll happen. Got in my room. Cracked one off. Mm.

You got the thigh pie? Once I cried, then I was like, all right, I'm going to roll in a ball and jizz on my own legs. Oh, I'm living by myself. This is very scary. Oh, yeah. In a big house by yourself is extremely scary. Yeah, dude. It's fucking spooky. I lived by myself for the first time in Philadelphia when I was like 23 and I was scared the whole time. I've been scared every day. I've only been here two nights. It's very peaceful, though.

For sure. But it is spooky. Oh, yeah. Especially this fucking window here. I just was laying there watching the Fighting Phils last night. Oh, God. Did they win? Yes. Yes. Up on nothing. Pretty awesome. But the TV reflects on the window, so it always looks like something's moving out there. Yeah. For real. Every 10 minutes, I'm like...

It's really not peaceful at all. I'm scared. I'm just scared to live by myself. No, I get disoriented in new houses or in a house I've never been in before. And I actually prefer this is a newer house. My house is newer as well. I don't like the old houses. I started if I'm like by myself in the kitchen at nighttime. I'm like, dude, someone definitely got killed in here. This is fucked up. This is haunted, dude. I get real spooked out. But if it's a new house, I go probably the ghost of my ghost chance is super low.

So I do take solace in that. I was afraid of ghosts in Iowa. I had a show in Iowa this week. I had a fucked up dream. I don't know how it happened. I don't know how this happened, but I woke up to...

I woke up at like 4 a.m. and looked at my phone. And as soon as I looked... Because I wanted to see what time it was. And then I read a text. And I must have still been like half asleep. But I was like, I just dreamt this text. This is the text I was just dreaming about. Then I got really scared. Oh, no. I was like, this is the scariest thing that's ever happened. Wait, so were you awake or not? I was...

I must've been like half awake. I have no idea, but somehow you pressage to text. Somehow I woke up to check what time it was when I woke up and I looked at the first text I got. I was like, that's the text I was just dreaming about.

Yeah. Obviously, that's not what happened, but that's what I was convinced. It could have been. Maybe. Dude, I had a... It felt real. And then I was just... I was wide awake. I was so scared. And then I was walking around my hotel room, and I was like, this is an old hotel. There could be some ghosts in here. I was afraid of ghosts at like four in the morning. It was fucking so embarrassing. I had a weird dream. My friend was telling me something kind of intense that happened in his life, and I instantly went like...

I had a dream about this a week ago and I was like, maybe my brain just made that up. But it was pretty clear. I was like, that was really weird. Not the specific thing, but it was like a situation he was in where I was like, dude, I just had a fucking dream about this. I just write that stuff off. I always just go like, no, I didn't. I just go, I don't know what the fuck that's. But if I had realized that at four in the morning, I would have, I, I didn't all nighter. I woke up at four and I was just like more just, I wasn't like spooked. I was more disturbed. I was just like agitated and just like the,

the fuck's going on i was in like a mid of the night like kind of personal spin out yeah like usually i'll be like fuck dude i gotta set up a child i was telling you yesterday i was like i gotta set up a child gate then i'll imagine my kids falling down the steps for like a half an hour and be like i'm like all right what if someone tried to take my kids i was like i'd have to like and i'll just go through it and get myself to like 185 heartbeat and then dude towards the end of this thing i'm laying there like half falling asleep and i was like

What if Brittany like was like hooking up with a chick and like we were gonna have a threesome and then she kicked me out of the room and I was like, dude, I'd be so fucking pissed at her. I ran that. I just ran that. It's a good scenario to run. For like 30 minutes. Like, yo, for real. Like I wouldn't talk to her actually. And it was, I was so mad. And then I finally passed out. I'm sitting there talking to her the next morning. I started cracking up. I remembered it. Yeah. And I was like, dude, I was for real pissed at you last night because I imagined you setting up a threesome and kicking me out of the room. And I was just like,

I was so mad. It's good you told her, though. I told her. It's good to nip that in the bud. True. Just in case. Or be like, crazy thought last night. The fucking nanny came up. What the fuck was she doing there? Anyway, I'll tell you about that.

Yeah, it was weird. I like sat there and I couldn't stop doing it. If I get locked in on like a negative fantasy like that, I'll just fucking like, it's like 90 iterations until finally I'm like, why am I doing this, dude? I got to go to bed. All day. That's it. All day. That's all day. All fucking day. And things are going well and I'm still like, fucking disaster. It's a disaster all day.

What's that big volcano if it explodes in Yellowstone? Uh... Gardini was trying to pill me on a volcano. He was trying to volcano pill me, saying, like, there's one in Yellowstone. I mean, it's a super volcano in Yellowstone. Yeah, you...

dome i forget what the yeah he said he goes it would fuck error i just don't believe it i'm like no way he's trying to say like what's the name of that fucking type of volcano super i think it's i think it's a super volcano but it's like a yellowstone caldera cauldron yeah caldera caldera caldera yeah it's the opposite of what i was saying damn yeah dude he was trying to say he's like it's game over for all of america i was like there's no way one volcano yeah vesuvius was a town wasn't it

Vesuvius? Yeah, I thought volcanoes can all exactly destroy one Italian city. I think Vesuvius, that's true. I don't think it can only destroy one Italian city. They're designed to destroy one WAP city. Wasn't Vesuvius Pompeii? I think so. I always called it Mount Vesuvius. They get the fucking, Asians get a lot of volcanoes. Do they really? Yeah. Krakatoa?

I could tell it was a big one. Iceland gets a lot of them. So is it more of the ash? I mean, obviously the lava is going to burn you up, melt you up. But it's like, because I was like, I'm like, dude, there's just not that much lava for the whole country. Oh, it's not the lava. It's not like people are going to get hit by the lava. Yeah, because I feel like I could outrun a lot of it. It's a pyroplastic, what's it called? Gyro...

Plasma pyro is the ash somebody's listen to this like that's how you say he's fucking it. Yeah. No, it's a It's like a fucking extremely hot ash cloud. Oh, yeah. Oh that sucks and it goes very fast It's like an avalanche of hot gas. Oh So you just have to get onto the blankets, dude, I don't know what you have to touch up damn so nature just don't have in the whole city fire Fuck me

Pyroplasticine? It's not pyroplasticine. So that's what gets people. It's a hot... Pyroclastic flow. Pyroclastic flow. Pyroclastic flow. But I thought it blocks out the sun. That was the... Oh, afterwards, yes. The reason that would be so... Yellowstone would... So much ash would block out the sun and cause like a fucking ice age. So it's...

Lava, fart, and then they block out the sun. That's kind of nasty. That's shitty. Yeah, that is a shitty way to die. Yeah, that sucks. I didn't think about that. I thought it was just like dudes were chilling in like a fucking tide of hot red liquid and they're like, no. Yeah, it's slow moving lava. Oh, me mama, no. No. They thought they were going to turn into Fireball Mario. Yeah, I never even thought about the effects of it blocking out, blotting the sun out. Although Ice Age...

I mean, let's do it. We can make the most of that. A little Ice Age. Down here in Austin, we would love an Ice Age. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. We're from Texas, man. True, true. Michael told me you can't be a Texan unless you're born here. He said you can live your whole life. You can be born right over and come over. And he's like, there's not my rules. He's like, I don't care. Tell that to Sam Houston. He's from Pennsylvania. Who's Sam Houston? The guy he founded Houston? Yeah, he was the first president. President, yeah. Where's he from? I bet that fucker is from Tennessee. He better be from Texas.

I mean, maybe you could found a city. Yeah, he might be have to be honorary. But he was saying that's the rules down here. He's like, I didn't make the governor of Tennessee. Where was he born? He's born in Virginia. Virginia. You tell me Sam Houston's not Texan. Again, it's not my rules. This is what they say in Texas. Next time he says that, Tom. True. Say, no, I'm more like Sam Houston. True. I was born out east. Came here to build a new republic. You're lucky I'm here. That's true. Good point. That's a fair point. Yeah. I hate Yanks, dude.

I honestly, I wanted to fly up when I was here. I'm not a Texan, dude. I'm not rude, dude. I'm afraid of ghosts. Dude, I'm telling you, I'm like, I'm trying to think of the next, I'm like a black guy with nature down here. I had to walk through tall grass and I'm like, I don't know what the fuck's where, dude. I'm like, I was, I'm so afraid of snakes.

I was all hell no. And dude, I was, Oh hell no. I had to walk through grass to like cut up a hill and I was just fucking, I was so scared. Yeah, dude. It's the lime ticks you got to worry about. Really? Yeah. We're from Pennsylvania. We're used to that. Yeah. We got, we've evaded those for our whole lives, but yeah, do the snakes. I'm scared of getting bit by a snake, man. Tall grass. I got trails by my way. There's some trails over here by my way, dude. I walk them.

I've been exploring my little trails, and I'm like, dude, I'm going to get bit by a fucking snake out here. Spider. Poison spider. I'm all over spiders. How many poison spiders are there? Brown recluses. We got those. We got those? Yeah. Shit. Just whenever you take out an old blanket or towel, give it a fucking check. Oh, yeah, true. That's where those boys are chilling. Good call. You can get the bubonic plague from armadillos, too.

Yeah, apparently they carry some like fucked up disease. Get used to it, Josh. I'm telling you, it's like the bubonic plague. They carry something fucked up like leprosy or something. The fleas are on the armadillos and they'll give you the fucking plague. I don't know. I don't like that. That's something, man. They got some sort of nasty shit on them because they do look cute as hell.

They're cuter than the blazes, dude. I would love to go near them. They are cute. Hansen's disease. What is it? Hansen's disease. That is what? Mbop. Bubonic plague. That is mbobonic plague. Come on, man. That's where all you and your brothers look like girls in the fucking club. That's where you trick all the local fifth graders into saying the middle one's hot. I like the middle one.

I like the middle one, and then they go, Shane, that's a boy. And I go, shut the fuck up. I knew it. I was kidding with you guys. I didn't think the middle brother of the Hansons was so fucking hot. I didn't shoot between my thighs thinking about the middle brother. I didn't shoot between my thighs thinking about the Hanson brothers. The other one was ugly as a dog, though. Dude, the oldest? The oldest. Yeah. Causes lesions and nerve damage. So like leprosy. Oh, it's like leprosy. That's right. I remember it was one of those old ass fucking diseases. That'd be nice, though. Then he could be Baldwin from...

Kingdom of Heaven. You can get a cool mask. Oh, yeah, true. If someone comes next to me, be like, I touched an armor dealer. I touched an armor dealer and I paid the price. I want to see Hanson's oldest brother. I feel like as a young gay man, I thought...

The middle brother was hot. The middle brother was fucking hot, dude. The middle brother had long, beautiful hair. Yeah, it was perfectly straight. Yeah, the oldest one was fucking beat, dude. Dude, that'd be nice to have like a kingdom of heaven just fucking face mask and just be like, I was a curious boy once too. Touched an armadillo. Now I have lesions and nerve damage. Yeah.

Oh, man. Let me see. You looking at the boy? I was taking a look. Let me see him. They're just showing me older pictures. Now I don't like them. What's he looking like now? Ooh. Maybe the younger one was a little fucking morsel. Well, he was illegal back then. Well, not for us. We were illegal, too. We were young boys. That was Lord of the Flies. We were illegal.

Why did I not? Why wasn't I more attracted to that youngest handsome brother? I don't know. My tastes have changed. Maybe I wanted a mature, older, middle brother. The middle one's clearly a dude. No, no dudes had long, straight hair like that. You were right. That was just your animal consciousness, seeing what you thought was a female. Yeah, he's a little fucking... He was totally effeminate, dude. He was totally effeminate.

You know what I read? And also girls my age. Oh, my God. Look how fucking hot he is in that picture. Yeah, dude, you did. You weren't doing nothing wrong, bro. Yeah. You weren't doing nothing wrong. My older brother's fucking 38. Yeah, the older brother looks like a big dick weirdo, dude. He does look like a big dick weirdo. Guarantee the older brother of Hanson has a fucking donger. He looks like a fucking spaniel in this. Look at him. He looks like a spaniel of some type. Yeah, true. He was...

That was tough sledding for the oldest Hanson. I wonder if he, was he like the best at music? Didn't he just like quietly play guitar? The middle brother got all the shine. The youngest brother was just there to get. I thought the youngest brother was the singer. Oh, he's the drummer. The youngest brother was the drummer. That's why I like the middle one. I've always been a fun kind of guy. True. Yeah. I'm always crazy for drummers, dude. You love the drummers. You want to fuck them.

That had to be a real confusing moment for guys that were like in their 20s when that music video came out. Why? I bet at least a few of them were like, damn. Oh, dude. The fucking, the middle one's hot. Yeah, I think that happened. I like remember that happening. It was easy for us because girls our age didn't have tits. No. They looked like that. Yeah. That was hot. Yeah, true. You know what I mean? That was hot. Yeah, that was a good look when we were in fifth grade.

Yeah, I remember. Yeah, dude, you'd be at a party. You'd be at a party in sixth grade making out and just touch a girl's hard nipples. Hard boy nipples. Puffy nipples. They're like boy puberty puffy nipples. And they'd be like, sweet.

I just touched a lady's puffy, scared nipples in a basement. It's kind of fucked up. It's fucking hot, dude. I was like, bring the jug. I would be like, get the fuck off me. Where are the jugs, dude? Yeah. I was a jug hunter back then. I was so ready for jugs. Everybody was a jug hunter. True. When the one girl got tits, it was game on. It was, dude. The jug hunters came out of the woodworks. I mean, the rest of them were like Patrick Swayze from Ghost. All the girls who didn't have tits were just fucking, ooh. Yeah.

They turned invisible, dude. All I could see was jugs back then. They would guide our hands while we were lotioning. Oh, man. Like Swayze on the clay pot. True. Yeah, I got fucked up last night. I was reading a book. I just started it, and they were... The guy was talking about how, I think 800... He claims 800,000 years ago, dudes started discovering fire, and he was like, that was the first time... That's how far we've come, dude. Exactly. We don't even have fire. We have fucking...

Plasma. Whatever that is. Just colors. Well, he was saying the reason all the first religions, a lot of them were fire worshipers. I think the Zoroastrians were fire worshipers because he was like, that was the first time we got to chill in our long, wretched, miserable lives.

Because that was, like, the first time... That was, like, the first thing you could sit by. And, like, animals were kind of like, what the fuck is that stuff? Oh, man. So dudes were just in a blind panic forever. It was the first interruption, just, like, a constant cascade of just, like, horrible death and dying. Dude, like, you'd go to sleep. A lot of people just get munched in their sleep. Which makes sense why you'd be so scared of fucking...

Like the dark. Yeah. That's why I'm afraid of reflections off mirror. Your brain's designed to get much. That's probably why you dream. Cause you're probably like your brains are out. You're probably going to get munched. So like, here's some cool shit. Here's you jumping really high. Fucking idiot. And then I started bugging out cause they were like, that's the first time dude's got to go.

And relax. And that's where like just people started just making up stuff and thinking. They started just being, they started chilling and like drawing buffaloes on the wall and be like, and they're like, yeah, do you have a buffalo? And I was, I got so, I was in my bed. I got unsettled. I was just like, well, dude, think about the haters those guys had. First guys to draw a buffalo. Some other guy like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

One girl looks at it and is like, oh. True. She's her nipples stick out. He's like, oh, fuck. True, that must have sucked. Back then, if a dude did something really sweet, like it's not being gross, it probably actually happened. Your babe would probably, you'd hear like, bloop. And you'd look at her and be like, you bitch. She would drip.

What do you mean? I'm saying if you're all naked in caves, if you're with your babe and a dude drew a stick. Women's pussies get so wet that they're dripping loudly onto the floor. I'm saying back then they probably did. Back then they were probably the wettest, dude. They were scary. Dude, why do guys take girls to watch scary movies? Life was a scary movie. Chicks were hornier than ever. And a dude sat her down in front of the fire, drew a buffalo. It was probably at least one. Just one drip. Even if you didn't hear it, you'd be like...

You could probably tell back then. Yeah. Come on, sit on my lap, babe. And she's sitting there laughing like, God damn. You're going to slide right off this, man. I didn't ask you to serve me a cheeseburger, babe. God damn. I said no cheese, honey. I don't want a hamburger. You'd probably smell it before you'd hear it. You would probably smell those games and shit. My face would stunk, dude. God damn. That must have been crazy. I will say, imagine you're chilling and you go...

Some pussy around. You could smell pussy. Is that you, Ja? That one? Smelling pussy would have been nice, though. Yeah. Just being like, I know there's some pussy around. I don't know, man. Have you smelled pussy lately? It just sucked. Yeah, but it was like you were smelling like saber-toothed tiger shit. It was probably better than some of the other stuff. I mean, it was all pretty terrible, but it was probably like saber-toothed tiger shit, dead decomposing bodies, a bog, and then you'd be like...

I wonder if any of the bros were smart enough to kill themselves back then. I doubt it. I don't think they had the brain function. I think, yeah, they were just because they were running on just kind of like self-preservation. At all costs. But I wonder if one dude was smart enough to just be like, what the fuck is this? There's a cliff. It wasn't until the fire. They probably sat by the fire and were like, this fucking sucks. This is crazy. Because they finally chilled and they went...

That was like the author's point of like there is the fight or flight is still. Isn't it Zoroastrianism? How do you say that? Zoroastrianism. Isn't it still going? Zoroastrianism. There are like probably like 12,000 guys. Holding it tight. Yeah, but they don't take in new members. So it's going to slowly die out. And they worship. I think part of it is worshiping fire. It's one of the oldest religions in the world. I think it's the oldest right now. I think so. Yeah, it could be. True. It could be the oldest living. Before then, it was like fertility cults.

Just like cutting off lady skin and wearing it was like church, which I could see myself getting into. You go in front of a bunch of kindergartners and you're like, what? There's nothing wrong with this. I'm a lady. Listen up, little kids. We found the hottest chick in the village and we cut her skin off and we're wearing it so that we get a lot of beans this year. Stop laughing. This isn't fucking funny. There's nothing funny about this. We picked the hottest lady and murdered her. Now I'm wearing her hot skin. That must have been fucking crazy.

That must have been genuinely fucked up, dude, for explorers and shit to stumble across an island and see that and be like...

Yeah, that was a quick, like, all right, load the cannons. These guys are done. They had a good run. There's nothing going on here. Because everyone had different... It was like everyone was freaking out. Then everyone got to chill at the fire. Like, this is what's up. And then everyone had to, like, go and share that around the world. Just be like, no, it's not. Now, if we're talking indigenous people, my favorite thing right now is there's a thing on Instagram. I'm sure it's on TikTok. I don't have a TikTok, but...

These Native American people post videos of them doing like a rain dance or like whatever their tribal dance was and being like, my land has been stolen. No justice, no peace. Like they try to, they co-opt the black civil rights movement for sure. But then every comment is just like,

take the L dude shut the fuck up every comment is like you guys should have won scoreboard pussy it's dude it's the most amazing it's so fucking funny it's crazy comments Instagram comments I had no idea my friend turned me on because I was just I never even got into the comments I had no idea I was just looking at funny reels

I have never seen it. It's great. Somebody's up there like, you guys took our land. And then the first comment's like, shut up, pussy. Take the L. You guys should have fought harder, bitch. Pretty great. Scoreboard's my favorite. Scoreboard's crazy. And then you think about who's doing it. It's so funny. It's like a 12-year-old. Definitely a 12-year-old on his burner account, just like, fuck you, Native American bitch.

It is the weirdest situation because it's like it gets no airtime at all. What? The Native American stuff. It's like it gets zero airplay. In terms of like the popular press. Yeah. I don't know. Although, yeah, it might be because of the res. People can't really... You can't like be a reporter and like pop up on the res and be like, what up? Yeah. You know what I mean? Good for them. Yeah. But it gets... I mean, you know, they've been mixing it. It's like the...

It's like if you're into anti-racism and all that CRT stuff, it's like a caviar you can bust out and be like, what about this? We're talking about some terrible stuff. Remember this? You weren't talking about this. I think about this. I think about the dirt and the ground and how... And it's like, dude, no, you fucking don't. Shut up. There's no way you're sitting there being like...

You're literally sitting in a building and being like, I just want to acknowledge the fact that it wants... And it's like, for sure. How long are you going to think about this? I don't even acknowledge the people who used to live in this house. What are we fucking talking about? That's my thing. Other than the family's picture in my bathroom. That's nice. That's pretty nice. I like that. Is that the family or is that a stock? That's definitely the family. Damn.

Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, pretty crazy. I thought that was a stock that came with the frame, but now you mention it. No, no, no. That's a family's photo that lived in this house. Oh, they forgot to take it? I guess. Their mistake, dude. It's crazy. In my bathroom, there's just a family on a beach jumping. It's like...

It is a nice picture. Yeah, it's nice. It's good to see a white family at the beach matching white... Jumping, yeah. White fucking like silk outfits or whatever. Yeah, that's... What's that fabric? Linen. Linen, yeah. White people love linen. White linen at the beach photos. Yeah, true. I hate them. It's tough. It's embarrassing. It is tough stuff. But it is an interesting photo because the dad's in the middle and then all of his...

People are around him and it's like damn everybody came it's centered on his dick. Oh really? It's like wow everything came out of that fucking ball. Yes Yeah, that weird guys ball bag. That's jumping at the beach. That's crazy. Yeah Yeah, it is not stopping at the beach is extremely disrespectful. That's where I'd actually think of indigenous people you say hey guys Just so just so you guys know whites jumping on the beach. It's like have a little yeah act like you've been there before Let's hand the ball to the ref on this one. We don't need to dance

Speaking of handing the ball to the ref, dude, the Colorado Buffaloes have been cursed since I talked about them. They've been totally cursed. Speaking of handing the ball to the ref. They have been cursed, man. They should have handed the ball to the ref, dude. They didn't do that? No, they're still fucking showboating.

Yeah. Didn't they lose in like triple OT or double? They won. They lost in regulation to Stanford. I saw that. Stanford, they blew like a 28-point lead. The whitest team, dude. The whitest team possible came back, dude. That is white perseverance. Down 28. No one's yelling at the coaches. No one's throwing their helmets. They're just like, we still have a job to do. We have to finish this game. You go up 7-0 on a black team, they explode. Yeah.

But don't let them go up 7-0. You're in trouble. I know, dude. Oh, fuck. I saw that. They were down by like, it was like 28-0.

Yeah, they were fucking killing them. That's crazy. And those boys from Palo Alto. Well, the game... I was checking the QB's stats and like... Shador? Both of the QBs put on like ridiculous games. Like five touchdowns. Shador's really, really fucking good. Yeah, it was like fucking passed for 475 yards, five touchdowns. It was both of them. It was insane. Again, I want to take it back to this. It's not Colorado's fault, dude. It's the fucking ESPN. I know. I fucking hate ESPN. They just do. They keep doing this where they're like...

Let's check in on Colorado. Wow, this is so powerful. White coaches hate this. Why don't you guys fucking lay off, dude? And then they're like, all right, enough Colorado. Let's check out the WNBA again. Ah, dude. Turn it off. Yeah, stop, dude. It's half of, if you watch SportsCenter, 50% is WNBA. It'd be nice to have. Does that season ever end? I don't know when it starts or ends. I don't think it's real. It's always WNBA. I don't think they even play, dude. I don't think it is real. I think it's real.

no one has watched this i've never seen it that would be funny if it was just like a high school girls league and they're cgi-ing like chicks doing higher labs the crowd is filled a lot now they are starting to get some bodies in those seats i know but it's all the las vegas aces dude that's the team of the century is it really that's forget the golden state warriors forget the patriots

It's the aces. You know my position on this. I think it's ridiculous that they even segregate the leagues based on sex. I think the women should. I don't see any reason why they shouldn't be able to play in the M. It's ridiculous. Please let them do it once, dude. Please let them do it once. I just want to see it. It'd be so fun. I just want to see it, dude.

But you'd have to give incentive for the male team to run the score up. You'd have to be like, yo, if you guys can score 300 this game. True. You get a bonus. Yeah, they're yours. If you score 300, they're yours. If you can hold them under 10 and you can score 300, you get a million dollars each. God damn. That'd be so diabolical. This fly has been here forever.

Is it a fly? You see him survive that flick, dude? How did it do that? He's the slowest, shittiest fly. I hit him yesterday. I hit him yesterday and I was like, he must be dead. He just landed. He's retarded. He just flicked it, dude.

Let me get a microscope. I might have a tiny helmet on. That guy is tough as nails, dude. I heard you flick it. I heard your fingernails smack his fly body. If that gets up from that slap. He's going to be up, dude. That guy is never stopping. If he gets up from that, he stays. I'm not hitting him. True. God, if you've got a bird cage, you keep some fucking flies in there. That's where my pet fly.

um yeah the wmba espn needs to cut it out yeah yeah you know i ran into this problem i was trying to watch the highlights of my beautiful notre dame fighting irish after their win oh i was a big one dude big win against usc i got it back to the hotel i was like all i want to watch is highlight to the game yep that's a nice thing nothing but wmba it's like dude it's college football saturday stop showing me the fucking las vegas aces dude i want to see what was going on

And another one from the elbow. That's the number fifth play. Yeah. And another seven foot jump shot. The defender fell down despite not even a jab. Her feet left the ground on that jump shot. Did you see that? Dude, I've seen college girls. I've like I was watching a

One of my cousins plays college girls basketball and she drained like nine in a row in the driveway. I was like, yeah, they're fucking nasty. Yeah, they're extremely good. But all that being said...

Yeah. But when there's a whole different league that dudes can dunk from the foul line. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know. It should be, it should go like in honorary. It would be totally acceptable to be like top 10 plays and be like, and then honorary play. Here you go. Check it out. Yeah. Separate that. Yeah, that's yeah. Exactly. Women's top 10. Yeah.

Rather than being like, whoa. And even a fucking tease top 10 would be nice too. If we're going to really do it. True. Yeah, if we're going to really get into it. Just fucking swimming highlights. ESTN, dude. Yeah, ESTN.

Yeah, that'd be sick. That'd be so fucking good. Join the track team. Just scorching those bitches. That would be funny to like, just take it so far. And like, there's like the top 10 plays and like number three is just two guys having sex. And you're like, fuck, sorry, you don't like that. Conservatives. Number three, look at the way you fucking jammed it in this guy's ass. Whoa, slam a jammer. Oh man.

Yeah, that shit's annoying, man, because they're doing it on purpose and they're doing it for ratings and it's like, dude, there needs to be a protest. But it can't be for ratings. That's the thing. It can't be for ratings.

No one watches that. I guess you're right. If you like sports, you don't like that. What are they trying to attack? Are they trying to attract the women? Yeah. What ladies are sitting down watching fucking ESPN? You're right. It's just to bother me. I'm the only dude watching ESPN in a fucking hotel room at 2 a.m. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Because if you think about that, yeah, sports is mostly... It's guys, guys. And it's also like...

Yeah, that market of dudes who are like watching sports, crushing beers. I understand liking sports. Women like sports, some of them. For sure. You know? Yeah. There he is. He's up. What? He's back, dude. This guy's a fuck... This is Mike Halstott. Dude, that's crazy. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, no, that makes sense. But yeah, it is kind of a strange... Yeah, women like going to sports. It's just probably upper level management pressure and them being like, yeah, we do this too. Because otherwise, I don't know. The fear is that they're going to get like written up in fucking Mother Jones. Yeah.

There's probably ESPN CEOs that are just like, they're going to get me. Mother Jones is going to get me. They used to not show hockey, which really bothered me. Really? Yeah. Why? I think ESPN...

have some they must have signed a deal with NHL okay now they're showing hockey you can tell the announcers the people that are doing the highlights have they've never watched hockey ever so they're just like look at this sick deke whoa anyway back to the links back to the fucking women's basketball she got fouled on that shot and she made it that's pretty hard to do folks

They cut away from the foul shot. Fucking nailing the rim. They're like, cut that. Dude, I had to go. I had to do press. I had to go to Spokane. Like, hyper-local.

television show and you'd be pleased to know that I didn't know where to look. So I'm looking, I thought I was looking at the camera, but the whole time I'm like, looking up at like the corner of the room. So I'm like talking to this lady. I'd be like, yeah, so you guys can come catch me at, it was real. You guys can come see me at one of my shows. Like, Oh,

I don't know. I talk about all kinds of stuff. Oh, my God. Those fucking questions. It was crazy, dude. And Brittany sent me the thing. I was like, I can't watch this. It was just me. I'm leaning. I would lean on the desk. Please send it to me. I'll find it. I'll send it to you. I would lean on the desk and then I'd pop up and be like, ladies, are you excited to be here? And I'm like, no, not really. I was just trying to be honest. I wasn't trying to be a jerk. I was just like...

You got to really mentally go into those like, I'm going to fuck around. Yeah. That's what I always try to do. And then I get there and I'm like, I don't know. I'd say my, I talk about a little bit of politics. In my head, I was going to be, yeah. I talk about my family and like just everyday stuff. Like, were you always a class clown? Yeah.

Those are the most unbearable things. Before I go in, I'm walking in, I'm like, dude, I'm going to expose hypocrisy. And I walk in, it's the same thing. I'm like, yeah, you know, I mean, I talk about a lot of stuff. Some of it's slightly inappropriate that I'm sitting here with you, but it's whatever. It's fun. We all need to laugh a little more. Yeah.

Oh, man. I didn't want to be silly. I did one where they just called me Sean Gillis from the start and I just let it go. I was like, yep, there's no way I'm going to correct you. That's even more embarrassing. Yeah, I'm almost positive. They hit me with Matt McCuster off the rip and I'm like, that's me. McCusker is so hard for people. McCusker is. I could see everyone fucks it up. You want to go to McCusker. McCluskey. McCluskey. McCuster. McCuster all the time.

That's fair. I have like the only like Irish Russian sounding names like Mick Cusker. It's very harsh. Yeah. A lot of them are like easier to say. Yeah. Got some bullshit. I like it. Cusker's a good name. That's such a nice name, man. I think it was really Mac Oasker or something from Scotland. Yeah, bullshit. Some fucking nonsense. Some gibberish. Some dead language that eventually got Catholicized.

True. Yeah, Drew. I looked into Druidism thinking it would be like cool. Sucks. Yeah. Fucking stinks. One guy had to memorize. They were set up so that if like everyone got wiped out, there was one dude who could just recreate the whole society. So you had to like memorize all of this shit. They didn't. They...

I think they're like I was like they must have done like some sort of like cool drugs nope they did like holly plants they like fucking smoked holly plants or something yeah they were dumbass not a good buzz I don't like them not a good buzz I don't like the druids I was like dude I could totally get into this I like the Germanic people yeah what do they have to not in the 40s obviously yeah I just I was looking into the battle of Teutonburg force I think that's what it's called just when the Germanic bros got after a Roman they got they got two legions they just butt fucked them

German boys came out of the woods, scared them, attacked them, tortured them. Yeah, they were nasty. Pretty fun. Those were nasty dudes. They were like, because there was the Vikings way up and the Germans were like the Vikings in the woods. This is pre-Vikings. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I guess Roman Empire. Yeah. When did the Vikes set up? 800. Okay. This is when they started making their way down to Europe. Mainline? I think. Yeah.

Help me out on that. They started doing it. Obviously, they were there. They started doing it. Yeah, true. Obviously, they were up there probably for a long ass time. What were Vikings without their boats? Without that long boat, dude? True. Fucking nothing. Love cruise. That wasn't a love cruise, dude. Those guys are so... I don't like the Vikings. What if they were just like hopeless romantics? I think they were hopeless romantics. They got real hopeless romantics. They were really hopeless romantics. They were. They were fucking... They were very romantic as soon as they landed. Yeah.

Real lover boys after they killed all the men. They're like, babe, come here. Come on. We can travel all this way. I killed your husband. I love you. I killed your kids and your husband. I love you. Seriously? Seriously? You're not going to talk to me? Take my wife. God, that would have stung, dude. 793 to 1066. How nice am I, dude? 790? That's nice. Yeah, you're right there. I just knew Charlemagne kind of overlapped.

God damn, that's so tight. I'm so jealous of those dudes when I watch documentaries and I'm like, oh yes, they can just piece together. You're like, come on, man. Yeah, this is all my knowledge from Total War video games. Still counts. Yeah. Knowledge is knowledge. 1066 was obviously the Battle of Hastings. That's when the Vikings chilled out. Yeah, I like going back so far that no one can dispute it. I mean, I could be 25,000 years old. I hate that part of history.

That is nice to be like, yeah, about 800,000 years ago, man discovered fire. We believe, or records indicate, and you're like, fucking yeah, man. Although they're probably right. They found a burnt rock, and they're like, what is this, about 800,000 years old? Let's carbon date this. It's like, sure. Yeah, I'm excited for them to find out carbon dating is just ineffective. You're like, oh, all right, well, we have no idea when anything happened. Fuck.

Good. Where are we at on this one? We got to switch over to the Patreon. We're at 56. Oh, never mind. We got a little more time for you. I apologize. And we have to do adverse events. Advertiments. Advertiments. What else is going on? Do we have anything else fun to talk about? Dude, I watched my daughter swim for the first time yesterday. She had swim lessons. How'd she do? Fucking phenomenally. It was crazy. Dude, they just like... Kids know how to swim. I mean, obviously, you need to like train them a little, but like...

Dude, this lady just brought her in the pool and was just like, all right. She's like, watch this. It was like moving her, putting her face in there. And then she just goes, now kick off me and try to get that ring. And dude, they just like flail to the step. And we watched her like learn how to swim basically in like 10 minutes. It was crazy. This was after you wailed out. This is after I had you wear a shirt in the pool. I didn't get to go in the pool today. I go in the pool today. I go in the pool.

I had a day to dry out, but I did go get breakfast tacos today, dude. I did get breakfast tacos. You might get fat in Austin, dude. I will. Please get fat. There's so much food for a little boy like me. Please get fat. It would make me so happy. I might, dude. There's so much special treats for a special guy like me. A guy like you that loves... Who can't eat special food. Yeah, they don't really accommodate too much in Philly. No, not at all. You have to go to the hipster neighborhoods in Philly. This is... This entire city is hipster. Dude, we have a farmer's market near us. That's like the end all be all. Farmer's market. Farmer's market.

Do I have baguettes? Yes, I have baguettes in my house. Do I have everything baguettes? Gluten-free baguettes. Gluten-free baguettes. Gluten-free everything baguettes. I have dinner rolls, dude. Yesterday, what did I eat? Just dinner rolls, dude. You should have seen my dinner. I made my own dinner. I ate a can of beans and baked chicken thighs. It was fucking disgusting. No seasoning. Put like salt on it.

That's a tough meal. I sat at that table. You watched the last samurai and ate like three pieces of baked chicken in a can of beans. You ate a meal like a Germanic warrior, dude. I don't know how to cook. I don't know how to cook. I bought, you saw my fridge. I did. I saw your supplies. My fucking, this is embarrassing. Bacon, chicken. Bacon and eggs. I haven't touched those. Lunch meat.

I can show you. I can teach you how to cook. It's not hard. I need to learn how to make your meals. I'm telling you. I want to make the rice gruel you make. Get an Instant Pot. You get an Instant Pot, you can be in business too. Because then you can start making soups and dude, you can... All I want is the gruel you make. Oh, dude. The Instant Pot. The gruel is easy. I can literally show you how to make that. You can make it in two seconds. Okay. You can get good at chopping stuff. Easy. H-E-B Central Market. They have all the meals already made for you. True.

Yeah, but so does Grubhub. I'm talking about cooking from the heart. I'm talking about I need to make that pile of gruel. Yeah, you can make it. I'll eat the whole thing at once, though. Dude, you get a whole chicken, sit it in some water, you know, you can make your own bone broth. It's fucking easy.

All right. And you can make a nice big vat and you just leave. I'm going to have you come over here. I'll teach you. You'll have a nice cooking day. That'd be nice. Because right now, I'm just putting pieces of chicken in the oven. I don't even time it. I just sit here and go, that's got to be done. And then I go, what should I eat? What do I have? I have a can of beans. Can of beans is so good, though. Baked beans, dude. Yeah. You haven't even ripped it? Yeah. I'm going nuts, dude.

I was afraid if I would fart, it would echo, and I'd be like... Those ghosts are... You have to wrap that furry-ass blanket. Yeah, dude, these pillows are so nice, man. Yeah, this is nice. Wait, let's go to the page. I'll show you. I'll teach you the ways. It's easy. Please. You feel like the biggest dumbass when you first... We can make a cooking show. Sure, we could, dude. We could cash in.

We could totally cash in. It'd be nice. I don't know. Yeah, dude. Yeah, you feel like a dumbass. The first time you make a meal for somebody, it's like... He's back, dude. Kind of like showing up here. He's on the... He likes you. He's on the microphone wire. No way he sustains that, dude. How? How, dude? He's going to be alive, dude. He's a dragon. Well, let's do it. Let's switch to the motherfucking Patreon. Yo. Join the Patreon to see if that fly survived. Let's get another fly in here. Thank you. Bye.