We got lead poisoning
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Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Lately. Is that it? No, this is my ringtone. That is not your ringtone. No. Call me real quick. Oh, yeah, I know your ringtone. Your ringtone is lit. You ready for this, Kai? Damn, type louder, bitch. Okay. Okay.

Oh. You fucking hit the volume button that stops it. Come back, come back. Why is that the lowest? I know, I just turned it up hella too. Maybe because you're in Spotify.

It's because you have an old phone. Yeah, the speakers are just really bad on this. Yeah, because anytime you play something out loud, it's literally impossible to hear it. Yeah. Well, lately I've been sad because there's that trend on TikTok that's like, she lives inside me or whatever. And it's like a video of someone when they're young. First of all, if you are 17, stop posting a video of you when you were like 10 and being like, she lives inside me. She is still you. You are a baby. You are still that child. But.

It's been making me sad because this is something that always makes me so sad. But I have no videos of myself before I was like 15 when I was self-documenting. I don't have any childhood videos. There's a lot of pictures. But I think like we were kind of right before the boom of it was so normal to have a camcorder, digital camera to record. 2008 was like...

the year that smartphones like really became like a thing and people started using them as like cameras to document people and stuff. Um, cause that's when like the iPhone was announced. Was it 2007 or 2008? I think 2008. But, um, I only have three videos, um,

And one of them is my brothers beating the fuck out of me and like me in the hallway with my legs up, like in me, like doing like that little kick where you like kick your legs out really fast. It's like unbeatable. Like it's the ultimate defense mechanism when you're like, they can't get you. And then they eventually did get me and started doing what's called like a turkey tap where they like get their finger like this and they tap your chest a bunch over and over again. And it,

starts off like harmless, but then after like a minute or two, it starts becoming so painful. And then the worst part of it all, I wish I could find these videos. I know my brother has them, but the worst part is they would pin down my arms and legs and like do that loogie thing where they like do like a spit thing. They got that on video. And then the other ones are my brothers forcing me and my sister Madeline

To do jackass. And we would... God's fucking lip. There was like a forest right next to my house. Them using you as props is so funny. And they would put us in like little... Like the little carts, like the red wagons or whatever, and push us down these giant hills. And we would bomb these hills. And then one time they put me inside of a trash can and rolled me down. Like, do you remember my old house? Like how it had that big hill leading up to the garage? Yeah. They put...

I moved it because I was chewing on my cookie. And last time when I was eating my bread, it was so much noise.

And I was really embarrassed. And also, actually, somebody had commented and was like, and this bitch claims that chewing annoys her. My own chewing doesn't fucking annoy me. It's in my head. It's always... And you, like, will freak the fuck out if someone is chewing around her, but then she's macking on that shit, like, just as loud. No, to be fair, that time, I was so fucking nauseous, and I was trying to eat that the fastest I've ever eaten anything, or else I wouldn't have been able to give you your fucking entertainment for the week, you motherfucking bitch. But...

I usually chew with my mouth closed and it pisses... Okay, I won't get into it. But yeah, they pushed me down in a trash can and I rolled down that little incline and I felt like a god, simply. You felt like a god because you didn't break your neck and in another universe you broke your neck and died. In another life. But yeah, so...

With that, we'll move on to the real pressing matter. Wait, I didn't talk about how sad it makes me. It makes me really sad. And then you know what's really sad is I found a tape in my dad's drawer and I got so excited for really sad reasons that I'm not going to say. Actually, we could bleep it out and I'm going to say it because it's actually so sad. You have to bleep and cover my mouth or I'll cover my mouth to give you less work. But it made me so sad because I don't remember.

Sad, just really, really sad. And then basically the fucking tape had nothing on it. It was from my parents' work because they do houses. They like remodel homes. They were vlogging. They were trying out for HGTV. They were doing the before and after my van life, gutting out the house, putting a toilet in the backseat. The real plague is van life. Thank you. There's going to be so many kids that grow up in van life.

Yeah, one of our friends. Yeah, literally Tina. She is fucking lit. She made a video recently that was killing me like the What was it? Jesus freak by choice and I was like she goes unapologetically. Yeah unapologetically. She's like living in RV by choice and then either she like

it or something and then she was like it started by choice now I don't know about this yeah no she that was so lit and there have been rumors circulating that we have beef with Tina which I haven't seen but Drew said that to me and I was like literally why she texted me saying oh I guess I think now we have like beef no yeah we're done

Yeah. You're done. This is over. She's out. We're going to take Tina's baby and have it on the podcast. I was literally like, should we like fake a beef? And I was like, oh, wait, you're literally a mother and you don't have time to do that. You don't have time to fake drama. Yeah. But we don't fuck with Tina anymore. Yeah, it's done. It's done. Like.

- You guys are right. You guys sent this out. - Yeah, exactly. - So random to like even like start saying that. - It makes sense. - I think from the internet people believe that when people like feather off, there always has to be some huge content. - Yeah, yeah. - But if you guys know we are some of the best people on the planet and we don't have beef like that. - People have beef with us. - Yeah, people are mad at me. - People just get addicted to our presence and expect more and more and more out of us.

And I think when they get closer to us, they realize that, oh, maybe...

I don't know how to explain it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think there's a tendency that we can meet people. This is the most big-headed shit ever. But really what it is is we are clowns. We are clowns and we know that. And people meet us, especially within the entertainment business. People are so not accustomed to meeting people and them being so quick at the mouth, ready to be crazy. Like, we'll read them to filth.

Just like not really caring and having no social cues. And they're like, this is awesome. We should hang out. And then if they are lucky enough that we do hang out, it's super fun. But then that is our whole social battery for the next three weeks. And we can't do it again. And then it becomes like,

wow, like you didn't like hanging out with me as much as I liked hanging out with you. And it's like, no, I literally just cannot give you the energy I think you deserve. And for that reason, I will be ignoring you for three weeks. And then coming back and be like, sorry, I almost died. Hey.

But the real matter, the real pressing matter that I finally got to the bottom of it. And it took me months and months and months and months, maybe even years to figure out really what's wrong with me.

But I found out that we've been drinking from lead cups for the last four years. Okay, that's not what's wrong with you. Something else is wrong with you because you don't drink out of cups. No, no, no. I do. I do. I do.

No, I do this thing where it's so easy to do and I wish everyone would do it, but I understand that it's nasty. But I have one cup or one bottle that I drink out of for a week straight. And sometimes I don't wash it because it's only my lips going on there. It is so nasty though because sometimes...

In the daylight, you can see the rim of saliva that's built up on the cup. No, it's my chapstick. It's so nasty. And I'm just like, ew. And I don't know if I should wash it or not because I'm like, he just likes this. Well, that's all the flavor. You can't wash the flavor off. The calcium built. Yeah, the dried spit flavor. But yeah, we have lead poisoning. I bought lead testers because I was like, okay, it's not black mold.

It's not CO2 poisoning. Also, I figured out that sleeping under wires or some shit, I don't fucking know. He heard from a friend whose parent was worried for them. Yeah, I found out. I came to the conclusion. You say it like someone came in the house

and did a test and was like, this is so radioactive. I bought a Geiger counter to test for EMF radiation. So I'm going to just put it up on my bed. And if it does come back that I've been sleeping under rads, my landlord is getting sued. Drew likes to do this thing where instead of recognizing that not only does he suffer from depression and ADHD, but had intense substance love in your primitive years. My formative. And...

in your formative years and then moved on to your adult life to only eat literally like fucking syrups and corn flour and sunflower oil and not leave the house for weeks at a time and sit on his iPad. He uses his iPad. He uses his iPad so much that I think Apple's

Apple should give him another iPad or get into his chip and find out how much screen time over the time it started up versus now and give him an award for it. And then...

He goes outside every now and then and is like, I literally... He goes outside and I make sure Buddy gets a good meal in him. And he's like, I literally feel like a new human. This is so insane. I can't believe the life I'm living. The last two weeks, I've been fighting off trying to kill myself. Boo. What's the fight for? No, I've been battling. I've been battling the strongest battle I've had in a very long time. And I...

just would spend hours and hours and hours a day on my iPhone. And yesterday I woke up and I was like, you know what? Like, I'm not getting on my phone all day. I don't care. So he moved to the living room for the first time. Like, literally, I came home and he was in the living room and it was shocking. It was bad. Like, I have literally isolated for...

two weeks and something about me is I make myself way too open to communication. Like if someone texts me or call me, I text them or call them back immediately, which is like a really bad habit and we shouldn't be connected in that way. And we should just be able to go three weeks without talking to someone and know that the love is still there. But for some reason,

um, society, it's, it's society, you know? I'm really good at that. I do not, I wake up max to one text a day and that's like, that's literally, I'm like, whoa, I woke up to a text and usually the text is Orion at 3 a.m. High as fuck and the last TikTok she sent me before she fell asleep. but yeah, so I've, but,

That's one thing about me is I respond to all my texts. But for the last two weeks, I have not been reaching out to anyone, texting anyone back. I have 300 and something unread text messages, 327 unread text messages, which is so unlike me. So if you've been getting that end of my stick, I'm sorry.

But I've literally just been trying not to kill myself for the last two weeks. But I woke up yesterday and was like, I'm not going to use my phone today and see what happens. And I didn't open TikTok or get on my iPad on YouTube immediately. And I put a meal in me before noon. And I took a nap. That was the other shocking thing. I came home and before 2 p.m. there was a...

Empty Chipotle bag. And not an empty bag of Cheetos. That's another thing. But I've been actually like taking steps in my life to make it more livable. Yeah. I think I've been getting off my phone as much. I've been eating at normal times. I've been trying to text the people back that I have been needing to text back for weeks.

What else did I do? - One admirable thing about you is you are really good at keeping in contact with your family. You talk to your family more than anyone I know, and it makes me really jealous, but I just don't wanna do that 'cause I don't talk to anybody. - When I'm talking to my family, it means that I'm really low. Like when I call my mom a bunch, it's because I'm really sad.

- Oh, but you, I feel like no matter your- - I try to talk to him for less a week. - Your feelings, you talk to them a lot, but specifically Madeline, you and Madeline talk like a lot. - We've gotten really close recently. - Especially DaBaby. - Yeah, literally DaBaby's in the house.

But no, all that aside, it's because... Loki weird that your sister's taking care of the baby. So I have... Lead poisoning is what I came to the conclusion because I bought lead tester strips and I tested all the mugs and two of them had a disgusting amount of lead. Like those bitches lit up bright purple after I tested them. So...

We're getting rid of those. They're still sitting on our countertop because I don't know why. I have an emotional connection to one. I'll show y'all. When I show it to them, they're going to literally some of them will know the cup because I genuinely used it almost every day for a year. But we've been sipping out of lead cups. I am the one who probably has. But that also that goes to prove my point.

Bitch, nothing can kill me. Like, I am literally built different than you bitches. Because I've been drinking out of a lead cup for literally... No, I would fucking kill myself if I started forgetting shit. Bitch, what? You don't... That's the scariest part is you don't even realize. If when I was two... Okay, actually, I'll write...

I'll have everybody in my life sign a thing that once I start suffering from Alzheimer's, I have to be put down. Yeah, no, I want to be euthanized. Like for sure. Me when there's probably people, me, I'm like, there's probably someone listening to this. Literally my grandma. She's a lovely woman. No, I think she has dementia, but she just got out of rehab, which is lit.

It was $35. It's...

It's really expensive because it's like a hand-drawn, like really nice. It's a Moomin mug or a little cup. And I was so excited because I was like, oh my God, this was the one that I thought had lead poisoning in it. And I only got to use a few times because I was like, all right, let me not push my luck because this is going to kill me. Meanwhile, I was literally, when I was sick,

I drank like 8 million teas out of this. And that was like in the past like three weeks. Yeah. But then I broke this in the fucking sink and it was so sad. She had another one of those little baby cups that I was like, oh, that's lead. And she was like, no, it's not. And she, oh, it's literally right over there. And she was like, oh, I'm just going to put, I'm not going to drink out of it. Then I'm going to put my toothbrush in it. And I was like, no, don't use anything that you suspect has lead in it. Tested that one and it was leaded the fuck out too. Yeah.

But yeah, just wait for the EMF rads detector video to drop because it's going to come soon, probably in next week's episode. I'm just so shocked that this one has lead paint on it. I love this one. You should stop touching it. But wait, what's the issue with it? It's really bad. Isn't it bad? Babe, touching it now isn't going to kill me because I already had it so much. 10,000 times more than the legal limit is in that cup.

That's so sad. I used this cup so much. Like, I wonder if somebody went on the, like, through all the podcast episodes to see how many times just on the podcast I used this cup. This cup was dirty. Because what's the issue? Like, you definitely have lead poisoning because I would wash this and then wash all the other dishes with it. So everything we have is coated in it. But this cup gave me beautiful memories and good times. And I really don't, I don't want to throw it away. Like, still. 1975. Girl, that's an ice spice cup.

I didn't realize you had an ice spice cup. Yeah, this one was predicting her birth. Yeah, they made it when one of her parents was born because they were like, you will give birth to a queen. Speaking of ice spice. I love her. Speaking of ice spice, I don't think you know. Oh, it's a relic now. I know. That's nice. It's our lead relic. But yeah, speaking of ice spice.

The selfie kid, you remember the selfie kid that took the selfie at the Super Bowl with Justin Timberlake? Yeah. He was arrested on, I think, felony charges inside of a California pizza kitchen for fighting and beating people up. Wait, what does that have to do with iSpice? Nothing. I just wanted it to transition. But yeah, he was arrested and his mugshots are out there.

- The selfie kid, I actually don't think ever really happened. - Yeah, because you're saying it and I don't know who that is. And when you said the selfie kid, I thought you were talking about like that selfie Ellen took that was the most liked selfie on the planet for a while. - It was basically the same vibe, this kid.

I think I have seen him. He's like 10 years old. Who was he beating up? I don't know. No, he's old now. I think he's 19 or 20 now. But yeah, and if you don't know the selfie kid, I'm sure everyone does because it's impossible not to know. He took pictures with Justin Timberlake at the Super Bowl, became like a viral sensation, like the Ellen Degenerate effect. Yeah.

Took over and she had him on a show. Kind of like the Vans guys. Damn, Daniel. But yeah. The hell? Had Selfie C. Oh my God, Selfie C. Selfie C should have been on Ellen. Selfie C. She should have got her time on Ellen. Ran this fucking world. Going on Ellen is like facing a prison sentence. Or Dr. Phil, I feel like would have been a good fit. No. For like being bullied. Like being bullied. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, he beat people up in the kitchen. Yeah.

California Pizza Kitchen in Pomona, California. California Pizza Chicken and California Kitchen Chicken or whatever the fuck it is. Both of those places, I fucking hate. Something about them, they give me the worst fucking vibe. I just can't stand a restaurant location that I know is giving me frozen meals and heating it up. And just playing it off that it's not. Yeah, playing it off like it's fresh. That's not fresh. Well,

the mac and cheese from Panera is frozen and I would shove that up my pussy right now. I would make an OnlyFans. I want to know if the mac and cheese from Chick-fil-A is frozen because I got some last night and it was the best. That shit's bustin' bustin'. That shit was bustin' bustin'.

Well, how do you do that with your voice? What are you doing with your voice? Bussin' bussin'. You're like eating that word. Yeah, it tastes good. But yeah, it was fucking delicious. What did we do yesterday? Like I've literally, I haven't been, my days have been going by rapidly, but all I know is that I haven't been playing Fortnite as much and I need to do it. Oh, I started Last of Us and it's really fun, but that game is so fucking long. Like, damn, like, damn. But it is like scary for some reason. Boring as fuck.

Hey. You're literally as boring as fuck. I know. I keep trying to get Drew to watch me play and he's like refusing. And I'm like, you said you wanted to come watch me play last. I have six hours of work in that game and I'm not kidding.

I haven't even caught up to like where the show is. Like I'm like three episodes behind. I haven't even met Frank and Bill yet in the game. That's how fucking far behind I am. I'm literally so far behind. But it just takes me so long. Yeah. Did you see that they're going to let you have sex in Fortnite now?

Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. It's like DLC. We need to play. We need to play. We should play later. Should we just turn this off? Yeah, and play. I have my Switch right behind me. We should just start it up. Anya was playing before this and she started a game and started getting mad at us for like something that didn't even happen or was going to happen. No, no, no. I was like joining the game. I just jumped out the bus and I was like, let me turn this off because I know when y'all tell me to put it away to start the fucking episode, it's going to piss me off because I'm going to be deep in a game. Oh my God.

Oh my God, me and Josie. Okay, listen to this. I had, I got a victory royale and then I jumped on with Josie. I got a victory royale solo, 12 kills. Then hopped on with Josie. Another 12 kill game. Then another game, seven kill game.

Then you brought me on and I had a 19 kill game. Yeah, and that game I only had 11 kills because Drew is a fucking monster to play with because he runs away from everybody to go get kills and it's like we're supposed to be in this together. Because what's the point of the game? Like if I'm not killing bitches. To win as a team. As a team. I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking, wow, oh my god, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. Uh.

But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like I miss the taste. But yeah, I just wanted to let y'all know that I am still out here getting Vic Royales. I'm not flopping. I'm still on my VR shit. Okay, well.

This is the craziest shit ever that I think, suspect might have been the beginning of my spiral. I have lead on my pants. Keep going. But have you ever really truly thought about germs and viruses? Yes, yes. There's like an entire like...

micro universe of bugs of billions and trillions and quadrillions whatever the fucking number is of just little critters that we can't see that are constantly at fucking war just killing each other and like

I don't know. It just it was blowing my mind because I was like, oh, they're just like literally on my skin right now. And I can't see them unless I had a microscope. And then on top of that, have you ever thought about a white blood cell? No. White blood cells are like the most ride or die fucking cell ever made. Some people call me a white blood cell because I'm just like that. Like, yeah, like I they feel so ride or die. And I'm here to like save your life. And so the other thing that was freaking me out was that white blood cells are

still like can't live outside of your body like it's compared to like how we can't breathe underwater they can't live outside your body doesn't make sense to me because they heal your wounds outside your body whatever the craziest thing is that if you take a white blood cell out and like you have an infection in your blood and you put it on like a slide it's

on the slide, it is still programmed to attack and kill the infection for 15 minutes. It is too... It's already sentenced to death and it's still fighting for your body. It blows my fucking mind. I need someone like that in my life. I can't survive 15 minutes without you and I'd kill for you. I have killed for you. No, you haven't. Oh, the Central Park Party. Yeah, that's why I'm so...

Good is because I do things for you that you don't even realize I did. Oh, I don't know that I ever wanted you to kill someone for me So like if that falls on you, oh, you know what I thought about the other day also, yes, I have thought about the fucking germs because when

I get out of the shower. Also, this is another thing I haven't said. One of my like little my rules of my life like this is one of my rules of my life. Is when she's washing her ash in the shower. It's the most disgusting thing ever. She gets shit under her fingernails and instead of washing it off in the shower, she wipes it on the shower curtain. She's like, let me get this shit off. And she does that. It's disgusting. Dude, no. Like why would I do that? I don't know. It's nasty. But one of my rules is that after I get out of the shower...

I cannot sit on the toilet. So, and it sounds like it doesn't make sense, but let me, but here's the thing is if like two hours or like an hour goes by, okay, it all depends. If I take a shower and I'm about to hang out with you guys in the living room, I can get on the toilet, but not immediately. I would have to put my clothes on and then go chill and then be like, okay, yeah, now I really have to pee, but I'm all dried up and I'm going to be up for a few hours so I can go pee. Okay.

But the thing is, if I get out of the shower and I'm about like right after the shower, I'm going to go lay down and I need to pee. I need to pop a squat like I'm in a public bathroom. That is my rapper name, Poppa Squat. Poppa Squat. That's lit. Josh has a really good one. It's Poppa Pill. Poppa Pill is good. P-O-P-P-A. I feel like it should just be P-A-P-A. P-O-P-P-A.

Because, like, pop a pill, like, pop a pill, like, that's, like... No, it's, like, it's, like, I'm daddy. Also, that's another thing is... But that's what I'm saying. It should be P-A-P-A pill instead of P-O-P-P-A. Because who calls their...

Papa, do people call their... But do they not spell it P-A-P-A? People do, but people spell it both ways. I just think it looks... Phonetically, it flows better when it's P-O-P-P-A. Well, I think it's better when it's P-A-P-A. Well, this is... Fuck, what was I going to say? God damn it. Oh, the fact that I'm, like, literally daddy as fuck. What?

I'm sexy hot. No one's talking about that. You are talking about it. Help, help. You've laughed at me. But I'm all porous. My pores are open. And if I sit on the toilet, all the pores will get into me. And then when I get in my bed, all the germs will be on my bed. The pores will get into you? All the fucking germs will get into my pores. And then when I get in bed, I'll just be covered in germs and get it on my bed. So I have to pop a squat.

That's a very debilitating lifestyle, but I understand the logic. The logic is there. Yeah. And then... But then sometimes... I think I've said this. Sometimes, like, if I've washed my hands, like, the calculated, like, four or five times that I have to after using the bathroom. But then sometimes before I go to...

to bed I'm so convinced that I'm gonna piss myself so I'm like trying to force myself to pee because I'm like I can't get up again I like can't do this I need to get my pee out um and sometimes like a little more pee will come out and then I'm like okay and I'll wipe my also why don't you ever flush the toilet when you pee in the

Well, because I don't want it to make a loud sound. Like I get like worried that it'll like wake someone up. But I think I do that because in my house I grew up in, the bathroom was right between both rooms and it would wake people up. I assumed it was just so you didn't wake us up. Also, sometimes that's like when I literally am having my issue where I'm like, oh, I have to pee, I have to pee, I have to pee. And I keep like thinking.

fake peeing and then i'm like i don't want to flush the toilet like eight times that's so wasteful and i'm like it's literally like two drops and a fucking wish of a paper towel so like i'm not gonna flush it but that's why i don't do that but then um because that shit is potent like when i like i smell it and taste it the smell wakes you up sometimes when i get my fucking toothbrush in there to brush my teeth like it honestly wait no in the water in the sink no into the

like your toilet water, like your pee water. It just gets your teeth like extra clean. I guess that makes... It's just very acidic. The acid, yeah. Yeah.

Well, sometimes next time I have BV, I could just give you some of that because I'm sure it's very acidic. Bacterial vaginosis. I use my BV discharge to whiten my teeth because it's so acidic. So I'll put some on a tinfoil and I throw out my teeth in it. And then it does suck when it gets on your tongue, but you just got to do a good job of like sitting still. And sometimes it can be splotchy because some of those chunks are a little more condensed with acidity than others.

I have good news. I've been BV-less. Vaginas are fucking nasty. Wow. Vaginas are fucking scary. That's not shocking coming from you. I think they're beautiful. Oh my God. I'm just saying. You haven't said anything. If a guy tells you that he's really good at head, girl, just fucking don't let him do it. You're looking at Kai and that thought coming into your head. Yeah, I know. It was Kai saying vaginas are beautiful. I feel like men who are like,

They're so gorgeous. Kai's bit for the first fucking six months that we knew him was that he was really good at giving head. He was like the OG munch. Like, that was his vibe. Patrick the other day was talking to Josh and I don't think, did I say this already? I don't think he's ever heard the term munch.

because he lives in a different planet. Yeah, and he was like, oh, I just love a girl who munches. I like a girl who munches. And then he's like, I'm always munching. I'm always munching. I am always munching. Oh, yeah. Did I finish my pee stories? I think that's it. Like, yeah, it's... Oh, but sometimes after the third time I've tried to pee, I'm like, I can't wash my hands again because now I'm stripping the oils from my hands and I'm going to get old lady hands because I keep washing my hands. And I already put lotion back on my hands. So I'll not use...

I'll not wash my hands, but before I wipe, I use the most insane amount of toilet paper because I'm like, I have to do everything to make sure that I don't get bacteria on my hands. It is crazy. It is like, I'm surprised it's not clogged every time I walk into the bathroom after I use it because it is literally like, you know when you would like, I never did this?

But when you would cover toilet paper and water in the bathroom and throw it at the wall and it would explode. Okay, I don't use that much. You do. You do. I don't. I'm going to catch you and I'm going to post a picture. On my period, I do use a lot of toilet paper, but I think most girls could vouch. Ew. That's your reaction to me mentioning it. Oh, my God. I thought you were on the side of women. No, not when it comes to fucking periods, bro.

Is it the smell? Yeah. Yeah. Did anybody else grow up with their parents telling them they can't have eggs on their period because it'll make it stink more? You've said this 36,000 times on the podcast. Well, because every time I think about having my period, I think about it. And I don't, I just don't think it's real. And you know what? I've asked this question a million times. I've never looked at the comments to see any answers. Well, yeah.

Well, you left me at home for two weeks. You left me at home and it was really scary. No, one of the nights I was home alone again. It was after I heard the people underneath us like celebrating a birthday, but I thought literally aliens had come to destroy the world. Was home alone. It was like 1130.

And I was getting ready to bed because I've been going to bed, like, literally two nights ago. I went to bed at fucking... You were getting ready to bed? Yeah. To, like, have sex with my bed. To bed my bed. But I... What the fuck was I saying? Oh, I've been going to bed at, like, 10. Oh, my God. I've been going to bed at, like, what? That's the fuck I was saying. Like, you literally... I've been going to bed at, like, 10 to...

Like, it's blown backwards. Wait, whose is worse? Wait. Our neighbors. We're good, we're good, we're just acting, it's all acting, laughs. Bro, they have jobs, they are not home. But I've been going to bed at 10 every night. I've said that 15 fucking times now.

And waking up at 5:30 6 a.m. And that night I was like, well, I'm gonna stay up a little bit later I'm gonna see if I can like do it. So I was up at 11:30 watching Vinland Which is an amazing anime one of the best enemies I've seen in a very long time that the fighting is so sick and the storyline is amazing and it's kind of like Game of Thrones but anime but besides that I

was laying in bed and I started hearing sounds by the front door and I was like, oh, that's just Azul. And then I heard more sounds by the front door and I looked above me and Azul was above me and I was like, huh, that was Azul, I hope.

And so another like couple minutes passed and I hear more sounds by the front door. And this time it sounded like someone was trying to like actually come into the house, but I was probably just like fucking hallucinating. And so I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and locked myself in the bathroom with my iPad for probably 35 minutes, freaking the fuck out that someone was in the house. And when I was went to the front door,

to see if it was open. I saw it was latched and one of the sounds I heard when I went back when I was coming to grab the knife, it was unlatched and I was like, oh my god, someone literally just came into the fucking house. And when I was standing in that doorway, I literally had a fucking PTSD flashback of someone standing in your room, in the living room being destroyed. So I avoided the living room and

than your bedroom. 'Cause I was like, if someone's in here, like I'm gonna lock myself into the bathroom. They're not getting through that door and I have my iPad. But then I realized that I had just locked it, logged out of my iPad. So I couldn't call anybody off my iPad.

So I had to leave the bathroom and I ran to... I sprinted to the bathroom or to my bedroom with a knife, grabbed my iPhone and sprinted back and went back into the bathroom. What if while you were sprinting, you literally fell onto your knife and died? That's what I was hoping would happen because I was so fucking scared. But y'all, I was like literally crying. I was so fucking scared. Like I thought about like locking myself in my closet, but then I was like, okay, I'm being too extra right now. But I was literally panicking. And then I...

was like, okay, you're a grown ass man, you're fine. You have a knife, you can protect yourself. So I went to my bedroom and I was like, fuck, I don't have a lock on my room. Like they're gonna come in. So I purposely left the light on in the hallway and laid in bed for literally an hour and a half watching the sliver under my door to see when footsteps would come so I could like get into action. And I unlatched my balcony door so I could just swing it open really quick just in case I needed to escape. And I laid in that bed

for an hour and a half looking for those footsteps, waiting for them to come. And the entire time I was imagining like what it would feel like to be stabbed and like what it would feel like to be stabbed to death and how awful of a way that is to die. And I just like kept replaying it in my head. And I replayed it in my head so many times that I like know what it feels like to be stabbed now. And I always have it like, I feel like I know what it feels like to be shot. I feel like I know what it feels

feels like to be stabbed. I feel like it wouldn't die in a car crash, whatever, because I've experienced those in past lives or I've experienced them in dreams, which is like another reality that we visit when we're asleep. But yeah, I freaked the fuck out and I was like, oh my God, like I'm going to be stabbed to death and that's a terrible way to die. So then I watched a bunch of videos on stabbings. To prepare, just to prepare. Yeah, to prepare myself. And then I did a bunch of research on Reddit about

about what it feels like to be stabbed that what he was telling me this i was like dude being stabbed to death sounds fucking awful and then you were like yeah but actually yeah well after the first stab your body goes into like fight or flight mode and um you have a bunch of adrenaline built up so like you're basically in shock so you don't feel after the first stab what it feels like to be stabbed 104 more times which i assume would happen to me because

people love me so viciously that it would be a crime of passion rather than a random killing. Isn't it scary that most times when someone gets killed, it's someone they knew? That's insane. I wonder what that statistic is. I'm going to look that up. I think I know who would kill us. I have a feeling. I didn't finish the selfie kid story, or did I? Yeah, you said he got arrested. Who would kill you? Somebody who's very jealous and scary in my life.

But we still let him in the house every week. Dude, fuck that person. Is he in the room with us right now? Who is? You know what I just thought about? Is Demi singing to the ghost.

We were like, we need to save this for Patreon. Like, we're going to do that on Patreon. And then it became like a big fucking thing online. So we were just like, whatever, we'll let y'all have it. Because everybody else started talking about it because we're fucking trendsetters. But the video of Demi Lovato on the Ghost Series show, when they're all convinced that there's a girl ghost in the room and that the girl ghost only likes women.

other women because she doesn't trust men because she has trauma with men and Demi Lovato proceeds to sing acapella skyscraper or one of those songs to the ghost and then the machine beeps and she's like she loved it she loved it the ghost loved it doesn't she give her an encore yeah yeah yeah more you want more can I have some more please some more please can I have some more guacamole please

More. Some more, please. What is it exactly? I don't know.

I don't remember. That's your magnum opus. Yeah, that was my top time of my life was going viral on TikTok as a TikTok sound. What was it? Wait, I don't remember what it is. More, please. Can I have some more, please? Don't be shy. Oh, don't be shy. Put some more. Don't be shy. Put some more. Put some more, please. Dude, what's funny is that's literally because I just walked out of a pokey place that immediately made fun of this woman who was in front of me.

In Miami, there's this poke place that the people who work there are usually like teenagers. And this older woman was talking to them like they were fucking Indians. And she was like, no, don't be shy. Come on. And like was literally like going like this to them over the glass. Like, come. Yeah, come. That one. Yeah. And I was I just watched her and didn't say anything because I couldn't believe she was alive. I love this. That's such a good sound.

yeah but yeah 46 percent of violent crimes are committed by someone you know yeah kai that's what i'm saying it's gonna be kai if something happens to us it is kai that's the worst person oh that was what i forgot i that's i'm not gonna kill myself it was kai 100 it was me if i die it wasn't me it was kai um but the thing i was gonna say is i was getting into this hypothetical the other day with some friends and it was about it was it was about so you cheated

That's all we need to know. So I know you lost the hypothetical because you poked holes in it. No, I did. But the hypothetical was if Orion killed a partner, would I snitch? And I was like, no, but here would be the game plan. And I told her this yesterday. She thought it was really funny. So the thing is, Orion comes to me, but she's smart because she's a smart cookie girl. And she comes to me in person and she's like, Enya,

I killed my partner. We got into a fight. It escalated. I felt scared and I killed them. And I would be like, okay, here's what we're going to do. We would get together, buy round trip tickets to Europe and we would go on a two week or realistically,

Maybe not Europe because she brought this up to me and I was like, that's a really good point because you can't go on a crazy trip and have too much fun because then when it gets... Oh, also a part of this hypothetical is I would help her pay for the best lawyers ever. I would do everything in my power to make sure my girl is not going to jail. But...

We can't go on too fun of a trip because then the police are gonna be like, bitch, like, self-defense. You literally went to fucking Portugal with your homegirl, like, right after. Like, that doesn't look good. So, but what I would do, the original hypothetical, as I said...

I would take out two days. We would have two days where we have the best time ever. Act like she didn't tell me. She promises that when it comes down to it, she will be like, no, I went around and like was hanging out with Enya, but I didn't tell her. I was too scared to tell her because I knew she would snitch on me. And I would snitch on her with her consent like two, three days later after we had the best three days of our life.

Because then I'm scotch-free, and I'm like, she did it out of self-defense. She told me blah, blah, blah. And then she now has an alibi that she didn't just claim self-defense in court. She told her friend, like, no, that's what happened. And yeah, that was my story, is that I wouldn't tell immediately. I would have fun with her and then snitch. If I were to kill someone, I would...

Commit the crime. Make sure there's no cameras. I would make sure there's no cameras. And I would do it in the nighttime where there is no light. No one can see my face. No, if I had to, though. If I had to kill someone. There's a lot of good things you can do. But the main one that I would do is I would bury...

their body next to the big rock in central park if that were me if i were to do that the thing is this isn't the first time you said that and like oh my god imagine there are bodies there like literally imagine that dude on this episode i'm like thinking about like 10 years from now this being used it'll be like when david dobrik was like if i kill someone but it's drooping like oh my god next to the big rock

And I spent a month in New York. Yeah. And I didn't see you for a lot of those days. Shut up. I'm actually like scared now. No, I'm around Drew. Drew would have days where he's like, oh, I need to do a solo day. Oh, like kind of in like Japan in his vlogs. He was like, oh, I'm all alone. I'm having a solo day. And then he would come back really tired and covered in dirt. Huh? But I was like, oh, he's just playing. But he was going to parks alone. I was sliding down the mountains.

Oh, okay. You weren't digging around in the park. No, but I'm really genuinely thinking about this. Like, I'm suspect number fucking one now. Yeah. I'm probably number two. Also, I say the big rock like there is a single big rock in... Is there one? No, it's...

There's a bunch. There's a bunch of like those really big ones. There's probably like a hundred huge rocks. And if I was... No, I need to stop getting... But those there, like where did they get those? Those weren't there. I think they were just there. No rocks are like man... Or no rocks are earth made. Like they're all placed there. Every rock placed on earth looks too perfectly to be there. Like even if you say they were there for thousands and thousands of years, I don't believe it. You can't convince me. It's all a side job. So you think we're making rocks now? Yeah. Yeah.

We tricked Rox into doing math and that's a computer. That's true. That's a computer. That's a mic. That's a Bluetooth. Also, I decided that whatever battery they put in our garage clicker, they need to put in my vibrator because we've had that shit for five years and I've hit that button.

Probably the same amount of times I've hit my vibrator in the past two weeks and that shit is still going. How many times do you use your vibrator? We don't need to talk about that. You use the garage on average 3.7 times a day.

Damn, that is a lot. But so I guess maybe I use that more than that. The vibrator more. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Like if I'm like, oh, if anytime we're about to run out of the house. It's fucked up too. Sorry for cutting you off. But I was gonna say it's fucked up too that like you don't let me watch.

Well, because you used to watch and then you would start crying and it would make me really uncomfortable. Yeah, like I said, vaginas are scary and your bacterial naginosis was spraying all over me. Well, that's the thing is like, why do you want to watch? It's like, oh. It squirted, squirted. No, babes, it was globular and squirting on me. You know what my squirt is like? Have y'all ever played Silent Hill? You know when the monsters like spray the like.

The like gunk at people. That's what my squirt is like. Mine is like the acid that comes out of aliens mouth. Yeah. Xenomorph. We watched the craziest movie.

planet last night oh my god okay you intro it and then i want to talk about like where we i'll let you talk about it because i was like so enamored by it that like i really didn't even pay attention okay but so i just i'll just start yeah i found this movie um called another gay movie um which i have heard of before but it's basically like

parody movie era 2000 probably six or some shit i don't know when the original was made um like american pie or not another teen movie something like that like the same vein or like scary movie just like parody take it away

So Drew tells us about this movie and our friend is like, oh, I saw that like when it came out because me and my friends were like, oh, that's funny. We want to watch that. That sounds like a funny movie because it was in that era of parody movies. And he said that it was just like so much sex. Like it was like just full of sex and that him and his friends were just like,

oh, okay. Yeah. We're just like watching porn right now. And me and Drew were like, okay, we need to watch that. Like we need to watch that. Sounds like the funniest fucking thing ever. Like a funny movie that for no reason they want to have sex in it 8 million times. Like sign me up. I'm going to watch it. And so we order our dinner, our din din. We sit down and we ordered, um, Chick-fil-A to kind of balance out the vibe, balance out the atmosphere. Um,

So you're so nasty. You are so nasty. I need them. I bitch if you like jelly beans, something's fucking wrong with you Jelly beans are like the bottom of the barrel candy and this motherfucker went and bought them. There's sweet tart jelly beans. Try one because don't give me like a red one or something. The I think it's the I think orange is the best. I'm not joking. Or blue? Blue is nasty. Blue is nasty. Oh pink.

No. Oh my god. You're gonna eat five more when the camera turns off. No, jelly beans are just so, like, why would I want to eat, like, chewed up gum? Because they're fucking delicious. There's no way our bodies can digest this. There's no way, because I couldn't even chew it all the way. My probiotic says hello. So, we also, Drew started taking a probiotic with his diet the other day, and so he's probably gonna pass away in three days. Well, no, it's breaking it down better. The Red 40. Um,

Oh, I saw that red 40 is a carcinogen. So you'll have Alzheimer's, Alzheimer's, cancer, cancer from the radiation and the red 40. You're just making sure your odds are like. And I do think at one point we had black and gold because look at any of the vents in our house. Yeah, they did like let out like fucking the vent in my room has like lines near it. Yeah.

That's really bad. No, that's because we didn't realize

realize that we had to change the filter and we lived here for three years and never changed the filter and then finally got to it and it literally it was this thick like so the filter was this big like a quarter of an inch and the pile of dead skin fur dust nasty particles was like four inches like we filled the garbage bag with it like it was really bad um

Grown ass man. I know, you were like 25 years old. I did that not even as a bit. Like, that was real. You blacked out. You are the guy running out of the fucking gas station with sweets. Oh my god, you are literally turning 25. I'm not. I had a moment yesterday where... We'll get back to the gay movie after this. But I was on the way to the gym and I was like doing something on my phone and I was finally like, what...

at like your reactions to the movie and like you you see sex on a screen you're like okay okay no matter who's having sex like when we were randomly like putting porn on to be funny you were like oh okay yeah okay and i'm like why are you

you get such a visceral reaction out of Drew if there's like actual sex happening on a screen he's like absolutely not absolutely not um but um I was on the way to the gym and I had to do something on my phone that I've been like putting off for a while and I just didn't want to do it and so um

my brain without even thinking about it. I was like, I literally audibly was like, and I like slid up on it and then open TikTok and started scrolling. And for the first time in my life, I caught myself subconsciously like avoiding getting a dopamine hit to avoid like doing something gnarly. And I was freaking out. I was like, oh my God, I just did it. And then I did it again right after. And it's like completely just like

It just happens without even fucking like... No, it's literally just like caveman monkey brain. Like, that thing made me feel good. I'm going to do it. It's so addicting. It's so bad. And that's what happened with those jelly beans. I was like, those made me feel good. I'm going to eat more. That's like me with my wing bot. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to do that again. Even if it's dying and I have to press the button 8 million times.

So we were like, let's watch this movie and eat. And we're looking... I'm looking it up and I'm like, dude, you literally can't stream this movie. Like, it's like nowhere to be found unless you...

sign up for another streaming service on top of an Amazon streaming service. And I was like, I'm not going to do that because I'm not going to remember to cancel it because that's exactly what happened with Apple TV. And I haven't seen a single Apple TV series, but I pay for fucking Apple TV because I just forgot to do it. And every time I think to do it, I do exactly what Drew just described. And I opened my phone to go look for it. And I just opened TikTok and Instagram and like look at people. So we like...

Josh's family's Amazon is on our TV and the second one was on there for rent. I think it might be mine now. Oh, is it? I think so. But whoever is Amazon... No, it is Josh's parents. It is. Yeah, because I think we did it on his mom's account. Yeah, we bought a gay sex movie on Josh's mom's account. But to be fair, I feed Josh very often. So even Stevens. Okay.

So we rented it for $4 and as I was renting it, for some reason I thought it was the first movie and then we saw it. We were like, fuck, it's the sequel. And I was like, well, I already bought it on someone else's dollar. So we have to just watch it.

It was the most insane movie I've ever seen. Like me and Drew were for the most part silent the whole time. We were enamored by it. Like the only thing that would come out of our mouth was like, oh my God, like what the fuck is happening? Like those are the ad libs the entire time.

By the end of it, I... I tapped out. There was like 15 minutes left and I was like, all right, I'm going to go take a bath. By the end of it, I was convinced that like it was genius. Like I was like, oh, this is like actually like a really, really entertaining and awesome movie. Not even by the end. You like 45 minutes in. Also, it was the longest movie ever. It was like almost a two hour like feature film. It was only an hour 36. Like they made the time of that movie so that they could possibly nominate it for a reward.

like that's what i'm convinced is that they were like this time we're gonna get something out of this um oh did you say we bought the sequel yeah we were watching the fucking sequel so we were like is there things that we're missing here like that we would only know from the first movie um which i don't think some of the jokes were really fucking funny but like i'm like some of the jokes are really fucking funny but it would be like when someone turned around and had shit on their

Yeah, literally. It was so crude. It was so vile. It was definitely the most crude movie I've seen in my whole life. It's like our podcast personified into a film. It's so nasty. It's making poop jokes and that's exactly what they did. I think our calling in life... But there was hard wieners in it and that was too much.

Just like completely at like the most unexpected parts of the movie as well too. And you're just like, oh my God, like... It made $745,000 in the box office. That's actually lit. That's kind of impressive. The budget was half a million. So they made money. Damn. And RuPaul was like a huge producer on it. Really? And she was in it a bunch. Yeah. But yeah, it was...

honestly amazing and i loved it but don't watch it um if if you were under 21 under 21 like it's really really gnarly it's essentially gay porn like at the end of the day um but it was really fucking insane and it was a fun watch i wish i watched it really high yeah um because that would make me crack up it was genuinely awesome and also like oh my god never mind never mind

I was just going to say like it's cool that like that was made back then because it was like in the peak of like anti-gay rhetoric going around. Oh yeah. The fact that they were able to get that funded created and put out was a feat in its of itself but like not to like

analyze a movie that is literally all sex but like no that's literally because when we were watching it i was like isn't it crazy that this when this movie was out gay marriage was literally still not legal and they were just like fuck it i'm literally gonna make the crude funny ass movie that also has a bunch of sex in it i think that's the most sex i've seen in a movie i will say 100 like

But it was fucking funny. Drew made this comment and I was like, that's a stretch. But he was like, if this was a 45 minute movie, it would be the most awesome movie ever. But I do agree. If it was 45 minutes long, it would literally be fucking perfect. And just like, that was a funny, short, like random thing. But it was...

so long i did like if you do watch it i did like the bad luck guys yeah arc that was like a fun tidbit yeah um oh yeah no there's so many little moments in it then i'm like oh that was awesome um

And I loved it. I genuinely liked it. Yeah, it was fun. It's not like a five star. How did they get to film Butt Naked Nasty on the beach in Miami though? They were like in Fort Lauderdale. I wonder if maybe they said they were in Fort Lauderdale and filmed somewhere else because like literally everywhere films in fucking like Croatia, but they're set in Atlanta. It just looked like Miami to me.

Tell me. Tell me. Oh, no, they were in Miami because they were shooting at Venetian Pool. If you're from Miami, you know. If you know, you know. I'm not from Miami and I know. Because you're well-traveled, babe. I've seen the world. I've seen the world. I've been super... The last two weeks, I've been really badly wanting to just go on like a two-day vacation. Like...

And I really heavily considered getting a flight and leaving the next day and staying there for 24 hours and then coming home. I'm not telling you where I'm going. I should say that. Well, with that being said, Drew's going to run away. I'm going to do my music. I'm going to play Fortnite while he's gone. I'm going to make music. Okay, so for my songs, we got Bamboo Banga by M.I.A.,

Let's Make a Stain by MC Mac, Driving on Nine, The Breeders, and then... I'll give you one more. In a Silent Way, Miles Davis. I think this is 12 minutes long. Yeah, it's 20 minutes long. 1951. Also, I don't know if I've ever said this artist on the podcast, but the musician Himera, H-I-M-E-R-A, one of my favorite musicians...

Like, not of all time, but, like, I really like their music. And I play it all the time. It's just so peaceful and pretty. But, yeah, check out Himera, H-I-M-E-R-A. I was paid $58,000 to say that by the label. There's no way. Yep.

Well, mine is, I think I already said this song, but we are finally hitting springtime, which is so fucking awesome. Spring is coming with a strawberry in its mouth by Roger Doyle. Doyle is really good. Quiero bailar by Ivy Queen. You would love this song, Drew. I was just about to ask you to. Oh, Ivy Queen. Ivy Y Queen.

yeah ivy quiero bailar what is that let's dance what it's let's dance quiero yeah or i want to dance i want to dance oh also this xavier wolf song um that samples oh fuck what is it sample hollow be they squad i think it samples number three by apex twin that's number three right

But I had like a Xavier Wolf, like Suicide Boys arc for two years in high school and Bones and like all of them when they were like uploading to SoundCloud and shit. And I kind of just fell out of love with it naturally because I listened to it every day for two years straight. Revisiting and it's lit.

Remember when you got so mad that I played music all the time. Yeah, it was it was a rough patch in our relationship Those eyes that mouth and loves easy tears by cocktail twins I say cocktail twins eight different times every time I say it like yeah, I say cocktail twins cockatoo twins Every time what which one was that? Those eyes that mouth and loves easy tears a you for me plays on this is like that easy tears. Oh

this one is those eyes that mouth and then loves like ownership loves easy tears i won't hurt you the west coast pop art experiment and 1991 azalea banks that song really reminds me of the beginning of quarantine when we were so bored um and that was the best time of my life honestly and then is actually does azalea sample crystal castles in that song i actually don't know but maybe

I don't think so, but maybe. I'm curious because there's a 1991 by Crystal Castles and a 1991 by Azalea Banks. Oh, I don't know, though. They sound pretty different, but maybe. And then Dessert Song by Takako Minekawa. That's the girl who did Fantastic Cat. That album's really good. But Dessert Song is so good. I'll never forget. I lay claim to Fantastic Cat. Fantastic Cat.

I lay claim to it and I showed it to someone and then they claimed that they showed me that song. And that's the one fucking thing that I don't fuck with is when I show someone a song and they say they showed me a song. Like, I don't know why that boils my blood so much. I guess it's like my individualist complex or like,

um superiority complex or some shit but no and i will take that to my grave i will die on that hill you know who i'm talking about i think so yeah that song i just i like that song but i don't like that as much as the other songs on that album but that's a really good song um dessert song is so sweet i put it oh did you see my story with the monkey with the monkey with the g

Look, I'm going to show it to you. Sorry, this is so boring and uninteresting for literally everybody else. Probably because... Look how big that is. What is that? Is that my tricep? Oh, no. That's a tumor. It's a fat deposit. This. Sleeper build. Oh, man.

And I think that's it. And then I'm really behind on Last of Us because I've been watching The Sopranos. And I say Sopranos different every time. And I was in a room full of people who were saying, like, Sopranos. And I say Sopranos.

And I'm going to keep saying Sokronos. I've been watching Vinland Saga. I finished season two of Demon Slayer. Started off, I didn't like the vibe of it. By the end, I was like, oh, they just set this show up for a fucking slam dunk and they better go with the idea that I had for like the seasons, but I doubt they do. And then I started watching Vinland Saga and I got...

That's why I stayed up so late last night was because I was watching it like falling asleep. Yeah, as I was watching it. But Vinland Saga is fucking epic. It's like everything you'd ever want in an anime. Like it's so fucking sick. I just, for some reason, I like...

post like 2021 I just have not even thought about watching anime I think I just like in 2021 I started watching Breaking Bad and then I was like dude I have to catch up on all these so that's been my vibe because I'm like if I'm gonna start a show I feel like I have to watch

All the human shows. Human shows. Also, every time I look at my phone, I'm not, like, scrolling through socials. I'm not, like, super addicted. I take notes for the week leading up to the podcast. And if he thinks of something, he jots it back down. Yeah, and I jot it down. And, yeah, I just got really insecure about that, like, the last, like, five episodes of people thinking that I'm just, like, ignoring everything you say. But, no, I'm just looking at the topics that I have written down so we can –

Move on from that conversation. Okay. You're a fucking bitch. I'm not going to be here next week. Yeah. Thank God. Let's give a goodbye kiss.

Remember when we fake kissed and I smelled like Doritos? Yes, it was so fucking nasty. That video of me and Drew like on the wall, like fake kissing. He had just eaten Doritos and it smelled so nasty. And yeah, that's it. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.