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I will be your gay best friend until the end, but like really what I'm after is that pussy. That's really all I've been here for.
Like, I was like, oh, my ears feel like the most like clear and free they've ever felt. And now they're ringing. Yeah. Now they're like ringing and like buzzing. I speak at a very low monotone level. Really? That's what I'm saying. The American Sign Language people's on stage like faking sign language. Kai? What the fuck was that? Did a bird just hit the window? I don't know. But the drawer thing opened. It rattled.
Like this thing rattled. Stop, you're literally scaring me right now because this is a paranormal experience. Open it! I don't want to open it, there's something in there. What if it's just an animal? Wait, are you serious right now? No, I heard it. I heard it too, but I thought it was you hitting your mic. No, like this rattled. Open it! Oh my god, I'm scared. No, because there's a fucking critter in it. I have wood to knock on. Okay, I have wood too.
because i do have a bulging penis under my blanket right now that's what my wood was oh drew yeah that someone would say sorry i just watched the way you rubbed your eye what that means oh my god yeah what's up i heard i'm like damn you really do do that like you're really into that right
came to the conclusion that scat lovers like people who love being pooped on and shit on are- oh i thought you meant scat like the music no i was like- are love are braver in the m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m- m
That was probably the longest media talk I've ever had. No, I'm not cutting that. That's Drew's culture. I'm not going to cut that out. Were you eating a burrito or something? What was that? Yeah, I was just... YouTube, he was eating a burrito. Do not demonetize us. I'm lacking a certain meat in my diet. My penis. Yeah, I just pointed at Drew's dick for those I couldn't see.
Like A, B, C, D I had a dream I was in preschool I just started crying It was called The Golden Piss Shower Oh yeah It's like the beer shower at LJT Larry Joe Taylor Festival But with piss And you just unzip your pants and pee everywhere I guess Kai because he somehow thinks it's going to be his fault And he gets like scared But the way red means recording Like whatever Well I saw your dad on Grindr
Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. So he is using it to meet people. But you didn't like interact with him? No, we matched and I hit like crazy. You know if you poke, if you're a guy and you poke your belly button, you can feel it in your penis tip. Try it, Kai. What? What did you say? Poke your belly button really hard. Oh, I think I'm... Oh, what the fuck? I know. Whoa. You try it. See if you feel it anywhere. Okay, we're literally sexually satisfying ourselves. We have to stop. Hey, I'm...
I think you have to stop. You're not 17. It's not a joke. Okay.
I just... I mean, I've known you for 10 years and you weren't 7 when I met you. I was 6, you're right. I haven't baked in 45 seconds. No, you're not! You're... Your will never end. It will never end and that's okay. Like, you'll just be the old man with a fruity tube in your mouth. I freak... A fruity tube? Now you need to fucking chill right now. Right now. Like a fruit-flavored, like, puffing, sucking tube.
You gotta suck it and it's fruity. Oh, wow. She got your ass. This is crazy. No, this is crazy. I wasn't prepared for this. I don't know. I'm really scared actually right now. That's what I was going to say. I was going to say Orion as my... Like who you... Oh, that scared me.
That caught me horny, honestly. Kai, you have Sigma eyebrows. Guys, this is why we have to kill toxic masculinity. Exactly. Exactly. I felt like Harry Styles running through those fields. Okay, take it back. Run it back. Cut that. Don't ever say that about yourself ever again. Sometimes I just feel like I look like Harry Styles. We can only hope for so much, you know? We can only hope you kill yourself tonight. Yep. I
I heard it meant something else, but I meant it too. Maybe like, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but like, cummies stuck inside. Begging, begging you. What I was going to say is, why would my feet get so warm in the shower, I get horny. Oh my god. I'm like a walking hypothetical. I'm a walking paradox. I'm a fucking walking paradox. Threesomes with a triceratops. Damn.
That's just a crazy thing. What? In my dream, we're at this party and it's at like a- Was it that I wasn't in your life anymore? Oh babe, that would have been a dream come true. Yeah, so I have scabies and I'm in heroin withdrawal. Little boxes on the hilltop. Little boxes made of ticky- Remember what you're fighting for. Little boxes on the hilltop and traffic.
And suburbia. And a 95. Remember, that's what you're fighting for. What are you saying? It makes perfect sense to me. Like, I don't know. They're manly. Yeah, they're like manly like mouth farts. They're not like cute girl farts. What? Just like when women fart on my face. Like, it's like cute farts.
Oh, it sounds different. Does it feel different than men's? Because I assume you let men on your face. What does it taste like? Doo doo caca. Well, you've ever had a deviled egg? There's a lot of skincare scams that like everybody is falling for. Like drinking water. You don't have to drink water.
I've only drank Pepsi for like the last like 14 years of my life. No, Drew, you have to drink water. Like that's not like a scam. Like that's been around for like centuries. Hello, I'm still here. I literally have not had a cup of water in 14 years. So...
Drew, that's really- what color is your pee? It's like red. I think I like subconsciously threw together those last bits just in case I was gonna go in so I could- Yeah. Um, you just- Y'all are so annoying I can't be myself around you two. I'm just saying. I say one thing and it's gotta be a conversation to be corrected. Just admit that you're dumb. It's always gotta be corrected. My life always has to be corrected. I'm the guy to correct, it seems. Was it in like a bad mood but I've been kind of se- Drew?
Did you drink? Did you already drink before this episode? Yeah, I'm good. This is vodka. Drew, no. No, you can't keep doing that. Drew, you honestly don't need any more. Stop. You don't need any more. You bitch. You also get that. You get dirty sheets, but a cute sleeper. Y'all want to see my tits? Um... Yes, please. Like, please? Look at that guy, like, swinging around over there. He's on the very tip top. I know.
I'm gonna fuck those birds like what you're gonna like what those birds what no I think I misheard you yeah I didn't say shit oh um well last night Thanksgiving is over like tell me why Thanksgiving is over hey I'm a little piggy stop I've been ripping the armpits out of my shirts and sweaters right better circulation
Better pheromone transfer. I know how to help circulate your blood if you need help doing that. Me too. Oh my god. Like rebooting and like recoding. Our neighbor just took a flash photo of us through the window. That was fucking so weird. Should we go stop him or should we just let him have that for his enjoyment? I mean he can see at my skirt. I don't care. Can I see your morning wood tomorrow? Yes. Yes. Unironically yeah.
See, it's a real problem for me because when I walk into the room, panties just drop. They just start dropping, man. Like, everybody. Actually, no, it wasn't on TikTok. What if we captured the second s*** on video? Girl, we... We'll just bleep that out. Mom probably is going to have to use the bathroom a few times during the flight. I just realized I've been groping your f***ing shoe this last night. I don't mind it felt nice. Because these don't have any...
Like warmth, so your hands are like warming up. I'll give you a foot massage. She's like, we can take these off. You need to stop. And it changes her pad in my fucking bathroom. It smells like dog surgery. It's crazy. No, egg white is like stinky fart. You like that, bro? You like that, bro? And you're a classist. And you hate poor people. I don't see what that has to do with it, but...
Die! In Inya's room, tearing up, talking about these dreams. I know, he was fully about to cry over it, which was really embarrassing because I thought I lived and loved a man, but then I realized that it was just a boy. And you're ugly. Oh my god. And I never loved you. I can say the same thing. Oh, the highest in the room. The Alex G song I've been thinking, saying recently. When I get sad. When I get sad. When I get sad.
I get so mad at you with the broken rib. Keep going. Cause I am trapped and I am back. Sometimes I get mad in my room.
That was awesome. Yeah. We've been working on that. That's like... You guys have been working on that? I think the idea is that you create an infrastructure for electric vehicles and then you move the power grid to a sustainable power grid to power those vehicles. And then you also don't have to... You don't have to spend energy getting the energy source to the vehicles, like with gas. Oh my god.
Kai, sometimes I actually, I'm not joking. You go on rants and I smile. Literally, my brain is a fucking clip machine. Oh my God. Kai, who are you having sex with? I've been having sex with Drew. You're not to the point of hunger where you're nauseous. Because we all have a hunger. We all have a hunger. I've seen them that before. We literally...
Monsters, Inc. and Finding Nemo are coming to say hello. What? I don't have Twitter. And neither do you, so you're lying. I'm not lying. I have Twitter, but for other reasons. And sometimes I'll navigate over to the trending page. What? Where'd you go? Who was that? Hello? Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!
Where's Drew? Drew come back. Kai where's Drew? Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself. All of you. Kai and Inga, kill yourself, kill yourself. How'd you get in here? I'm getting out of here. You look straight and sexy at the same time. Stop. Anyway, continue, continue guys. Kai, wait, what? What about it though? What about it? Can y'all have sex when we're not doing our goddamn job? Um, okay.
"Oh, what am I supposed to do when she dies?" That's so annoying. I think I'd get another cat immediately. Maybe you're pregnant right now. You never know. Don't fucking say that kind of shit to me. Don't wish evil upon me. What are you- Like, what? Did he call you- No. Oh, you think I look pregnant? No, I'm not saying that. Oh, wow. No, I'm not saying that. That's not what I was saying. That wasn't what I was saying. Aw.
True. You know that's not what I was saying. We're going to have a conversation about this after. Funny how freely you feel to speak on a woman's body. No, leave it in. Leave it in. Leave it in. Yeah. I'm going to cut it because you made it look like. No. Wow. Are you going to yell at me for that? What are you going to do to me? What the fuck is that? I'm going to spank you. Do you want to hear about the crazy shit I heard on the. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. You immediately shut me down. Just like I don't want to hear about that.
So you get to talk about your like weird like conspiracies and I can't say something real. Oh, they're not conspiracies. They're not conspiracies. I've had another obsession recently, but I can't remember what it was. It's probably me. It's not really an obsession when I watch you sleep at night. Like that's not an obsession. I didn't know that's what you're... What? No, I was joking about like me being your obsession.
Okay, well, I was joking too. I do not climb a ladder and look through your windows at night. Like, I don't prop up a ladder and just like look in. Like, that's weird. I would actually never do that. So, you sound dumb now. It sounds like it's something you do and you're like backtracking heavily. Were you singing Usher by... You deserved all of that. Yeah. But I just had to... Oh my God, why are you looking under my skirt? Oh my God.
Can we cut that? No, I'm not cutting that. I thought you were sending signals to me. What? I was literally telling a story. Oh, no. Just girls don't really talk to me that often. So, like, when... I'm gonna have a fucking panic. I'm gonna throw up. You're, like, in our mid-20s, Drew. No, I'm 16, bitch. Don't ever say that to me ever fucking again. Okay, well, you're 16, but I need you to hurry up and age faster because the fact that I spend all my time with a 16-year-old is, like... I know. It's crazy that we're in our mid-20s. Like...
You know what you want us to do is be like "You're old as fuck, Kai!" But I love you. You're aging gracefully for somebody with the genetics that you were gifted. Girl, you're beautiful. You're beautiful just the way you are. And you shouldn't care about what other people think of you. Oh, I'll just meditate. Oh my god, you bitch-ass liar, bitch.
I'll just jerk off. Hey, hey, stop fucking interrupting us with lies. I'll just play with myself. I'll play with you in the backseat. You know what's cool is this bag looks like it was made in the same factory that they make basketballs on Amazon. I'm just saying. I mean, am I wrong? Oh, my God. Like, no, you can't do this the whole episode. What are you doing? He's going to reenter.
- I didn't get enough attention the first time. - And you're like putting things in frame. Why did you have a stapler? - I like the lights on. - I am on the opposite tip. I stopped sleeping naked because one time my friend sent me the TikTok. - The earthquake is gonna come. - Oh, I don't give a fuck. - That's my vibe is like if my nudes leak, I'm kind of just like relief. Like it's like my brother dying. - You never have to think about it again. - Like I just like get relief.
Did you just compare your nudes leaking to your brother dying? Yeah. This is something that I've been holding off and I actually cannot believe that I haven't talked about it yet. But, okay, so you know Taylor Swift. She's got her new album coming out. Okay, tell me why one of her first big songs she wrote about me. Teardrops on my guitar. That was written about me. Drew looks at me. I fake a smile so he won't see. No, it's...
I think it's he looks at me. I think it's true. Are you making that up? Because why don't I believe you? No, look, it's very real. She wrote it about me. Do you have a fake thing you fucking photoshopped? Like, where are you going? No, look, I'm Googling it right now.
But the thing, the fucking thing of it all, teardrops on my guitar. Drew looks at me the first letter. Oh, wait, is that actually it? Yeah, that's what I'm saying is I didn't tell anybody about this, but me and Taylor had a thing really early on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
song come out because now this is getting weird don't ask questions because she's about 10 years older than you which wouldn't be weird now i was groomed by taylor swift there i said it there i said it's crazy how you've ignored every single question i've asked and answered all of inya's it's just like i i prioritize i prioritize attention from women because then you know they should be put on a pedestal in my opinion honestly i agree with that like why do you all have to turn everything into like proving that you don't hate women
And I feel like I've been doing okay enough that I don't need to. Which is... You need to talk. Pure imagination. I don't understand how computers work and you can't pay me to sit down and learn. I've said that before. I could easily... No! No! Hello?
oh my god. oh sorry. your botox looks really good. it's cool that kai got a really good botox that you can't tell that he has like botox and filler in it. kai do you have the face smoothing on? i don't. i swear to god i don't. actually? oh yeah it's at 100 percent. um i love them so much they have this square almost frog-like toe detail. kai there's sand falling out of your shoe. something literally fell out of your sneaker. my fucking god. antimicrobial. i can't. who's gonna.
Turn around go back to where you came from and oh but like I can't do bone-in meat at all like boner meat I can't come from me. How is it? I just am complimenting you. Hey, don't cry. Don't cry. No real men. Don't cry Please stop like actually no, it's like grossing me out. Oh my god. I'm never fucking him again. Wait a second
You guys fuck? All the time. Like clockwork. Damn it. Clockwork. Call us clockwork horns because we're fucking. I've never seen the movie. Let's talk about Finsta. Have we ever talked about Finsta?
I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore. And you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste. Oh my God. Like the energy of if they think you are important. And if you are not like serving that you're important,
Kai. Kai, your camera is on. What's up? Your camera is on. Are you drinking? No. No, this is water. Why do you have water in a big vodka bottle? It's like a propel. It's like tequila. Like, why are you... Okay, actually, no. You're done. Like, you're done. Camera off. What do you mean I'm done? Camera off. Um, we need to get a replacement for that guy. I know. It was pretty... Okay.
I think we technically have the equivalent. Technically that's a headline? Yeah. Oh my god. Is it a vibrator? No, it's a flashlight for like Drew's mouth. Oh. Of my mouth. Yeah. How did you get the fucking mold? Yeah, what? I like did this thing where I like scanned your face while you were sleeping and did a 3D model of it. What the fuck? No. That's actually impressive, you know? Okay, thank you. I thought you guys would be- And you should go kill yourself. And you should go and kill yourself now.
Can I get a pineapple jacquard though? Damn I have never seen you move your body like that. Holy shit. Don't touch me. I'm not touching Get your hand off of me or something. You got don't fucking talk about charlotte that's my twin. You have got to get off that fucking iphone Why is he always on that iphone if I had the money charlie pooth had I would not be on iphone.com I would be out like I would be like not on iphone a gay. Oh, oh
A man with an iPhone is gay. No, that cracked. That broke. That literally just broke. It cracked. I saw a glass shard. Yeah, I'm literally like, I'm like weird niche on the internet side. You're like far right extremist.
It's okay. No, I'm not. No, Drew, stop. You have to stop. Like, we can't publicize that stuff. Well, you said blue lives matter. I'm a Republican. We should be able to talk. No, I didn't say that. You're saying all of that. I would never publicly say that because I'm smart. What do you mean by that?
I just feel different, you know? Yeah, I forgot to put on earrings. I feel better. Yeah. Oh, I noticed something was really ugly about you and it's because you didn't have your earrings in. That makes me feel so awful because I feel very insecure without my earrings. Well, it's something you can change in five minutes, so just do it. It's like breathing. I don't realize I'm doing it.
It just happens. No, I feel that. But I never miss X's and I'm like the best. Wait, what? Yeah. Like I'm also like super on like hella substances. No, stop. Like that's so bad. Don't say that. It was just fucking LSD. No, don't admit to that at least. It's like not that bad. No, you can keep doing it and like I don't care, but just like for the sake of our like image online, don't like post about it. I popped a tab of LSD. I took a fentanyl Roxy.
And how does that make you feel? Terrible. Yeah. You should write a fucking book about it and sell it to somebody who gives a fuck because I literally don't. Oh my God. I'm not confirming nor denying that I have a gun in this bag right now. So keep talking shit and find out. Oh my God, you're threatening to shoot your friends? Let's just find out. Should we find out? Let's just say I laughed my little butt off. We're just like caught up. We're caught up in other things. I feel like you guys do stuff though. Shut up.
I just, I'm trying to like validate the fact that you guys are living your lives. I hope you go blind for the things we say to each other. But that is such, that is such an honor to be living a life where I am surrounded by such funny people that I am constantly pissing myself and giving myself the... And the fact that you're constantly doing that and not giving me the panties after is crazy. What? Yeah, it is a little bad. That's not a straight fruit.
It is a little fruity. Drew, you got a little sugar in your tank, huh? What the fuck did you just say to him? Was that a slur? That was really derogatory. What are you saying? And during Pride Month? Yeah, it's Pride Month, babe. Every month is Pride Month, babe. It's like a kind of fancy hotel, I guess. And other people, cool people were staying there or whatever. Are my eyes too close together? I feel like they are.
I don't know. Kai just said it. Hey, Drew. Fuck me. Drew. Serious question. Do you want to drop any more shit and fuck up the audio before we continue? Oh my God. Do you want to lose your fucking job? Serious question. Do you want a fucking job after this? Yes. I'm so sorry. Like it was a usual stomachache where I'm like bloated and something hurt, but my fucking colons...
We're literally vibrating. Like if I put my colon to my clit, I would have it would have been a mess. Whoa. Because they were vibrating. Do you get it? Okay. Jesus fucking Christ. None of my messengers are sending. Jesus H Christ. Where does the H come from? Like, have you heard someone say that before? Like Jesus H Christ. Have you heard someone say that? Where does the H come from? It's for holiday. It's for like the holiday Christmas. Jesus holiday Christmas. Christmas.
Yeah. Hanging out and it's just like this key that's like, what the fuck? The house, but like electric bikes. And she kept saying to her line, electric chair. And I, electric chair. What does that like?
I'm just trying to get some pussy. I gotta be real. Oh my god, that's not the way you do it. I thought that's like what you would like. What? You didn't even care. What? I cared. I was taking notes the whole time. Oh, I care. Sometimes my depression just flares up. Oh my god. Did we ask though? Like, let's be real. Like, it wasn't like a diluted drink. They were serving me alcohol. So I had a drink and I was like, Josie, get one. It's getting alcohol.
Okay, when you're on your periods and like your uterus and shit hurts Just shut the fuck up Yeah, and I was like and I was like whoa. Oh Her name was Mary. Well looking like a star Hold on. We got media really focus in and pay attention when I cook I do too much and then like my dish is like a million you're doing too much
What's fucking crazy is that I literally like had to hide my tattoos in Shibuya. Like the Frank Ocean lyric. Yeah, but you have one. So it's like I had sex with your mom last night. Did you know that guy? And she squirted everywhere. Did you know your mom was a squirter? Oh, my God. Why would you know that guy?
Ew, ew. But it's real. Like, it was the genesis of you realizing that you were straight and you didn't have to have any worries. Exactly, exactly, exactly, exactly, exactly. Seriously, like, 100%. We thought...
our boobs were like the funniest thing. Like we literally like the amount of times we would be in bathing suits like at the beach or at the pool. And y'all would get naked and play with each other's boobs and like take pictures of them and like pour water on them. And then you'd send those photos to me now. Send me pictures of your tits. Like my lady didn't see you there. If I was there, I wouldn't have let any of this happen, by the way. How would you have stopped that? I don't know.
I would have found a way. I'm basically Ant-Man.
You're embarrassed. What were you going to say? Oh, I've been trying to gain weight really badly in Japan. And I ate so much fucking food. I ate so much goddamn food in Japan. And I actually did gain weight. I gained seven pounds. So congratulate me. But at some point I squirted and squooshed all over this fucking carpet. Yeah, I've cummed on our green carpet in our living room.
What I literally was like I feel like so normal normally I feel like fucking shit of my balls no But like you're giving me a little peek show through your bowl tonight. I can't can I see can I see? Lied to me
That's a whole other thing. I didn't know that this became the mental health podcast since last time I've been on here. Kill yourself. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So much for mental health, bitch. And your fucking life. And this, what was I saying to you in the kitchen earlier that I was like, I'm going to save that for the podcast. Oh, that you were so true. He wants to be happy. Gave me a blue check. It's coming in like a week and I'm going to get you one too. Oh.
Oh, he's crawling around. I don't know if they can see that. They can't see you. He's getting back in frame now so they can see. This is what pushed you over the edge. Don't hit your head again. Come on, little guy. Come on, let's get you back on the chair. Literally 20 episodes, but every time I just forget. What the fuck? What? Done too. Please don't leave. Please don't leave. Okay. I guess I'm just going to do this episode, the rest alone.
Yeah, this will be cool. I'm gonna fucking kill you. You stupid bitch. I'm done. I'm actually fed up with all your bullshit. You fucking caught me. I walked out and you had to walk out too. Yeah, my brother died. No, he didn't. You keep calling me a liar. He literally didn't. You fucking liar. Where are the bitches at? Are all the bitches at home? This is me asking, where are the bitches at?
Okay. Oh, it feels like we're roommates. Wait, guys, and they were roommates. Ow! Wait, is this going to be out on Mother's Day or by Mother's Day? No, it comes out right before Mother's Day. Okay, I can't say this then. Yeah, don't say that. I need to make MILF stay. I need to make MILF stay. Turn your camera off and your mic. Time out. Three minutes. Inya, you know how there's Mother's Day?
Yeah. They need to make Milf stay. Are you kidding? No, for real. Would you just call it Milf stay? That's literally my joke. I'm sorry. Who is that? Who got in? Who got into our Zoom? Oh my god, did you leak the fucking address? I think I accidentally leaked. How do you guys not recognize my voice? Who is this? This man is scaring me, honestly. Look, it's me. Look, I'm back. Get the fuck out. Get out. Get out of here. Oh. Oh, damn.
Keep going. So tell me this was- I- okay, 'cause I was talking and you just are like trying to butt in while I'm talking so like- and I got like the cough- oh. Yo. Uh-uh. It's literally a sickness den in here. Both of them- both of them are coughing. But that cough didn't sound bad.
A cop is a normal cop. Like have you not seen this fucking movie and you just like listen to this and I was like because it's two of the greatest composers of all time. Oh like hello I think me and kai are honestly shocked because like you just want me to fucking take off my beard. You just want me to fucking take it off. I'll fucking take it off. I'm gonna fucking take it off. Oh my god
Fuck you guys. Are you shaved for you? You just pulled your beard off? You just ripped it off? Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I'm literally fucking crazy. Did that not hurt? I'm fucking crazy. I'm fucking crazy. This random guy that my dad and mom have never met. I went to your construction site and nobody knew who you were. Bitch. Whoa.
What was that reaction? Girl, I don't know. I really don't know. Like that was the definition of I'm in the middle of a story and someone just said something. Let me come up with something quick. Bitch. Eradicate. We need some eradicating. Eradicate James Charles. Oh my God. Oh God. Oh my God. Okay, actually, I'm not kidding. Like why is airplane food and airport food? Those are the worst meals ever. Not for me. Not for me. Pam.
No, so you. Makeup by Enya. Styling by Enya. Wait, tattoos by Drew though. Yeah, we know. The thing is, no one said I looked good today. You look beautiful. Don't. Enya, you look beautiful today. Kai, Drew, when I get home, you're getting the biggest spanking I've ever given you. Yeah. I know. Yeah. I'm going to put you over my lap.
Bend me over. Oh, yeah How big would it get how sticky would it get your hole? Yeah, we're recording this bitch Oh, this is we started you're not I hope you're happy that this will be your last job that you will be able to get because I don't know where else you're gonna take this resume. Oh you want to sing your members? You little you little bastard trick
Not the oil spill. Not me causing an oil spill. That's actually crazy. Remember when banks used to have the drive-thrus and they would send the check in the tube? Oh, that was so sad. Oh, that was fun as fuck. I put B's in one. Are DJing a festival in New York? Bitch, you ate like McDonald's. What the fuck are you saying? Like, you know when people are like, oh, sis, you ate. Like, Josiah ate like McDonald's.
What does that mean? It's just me being very classist. But they're giving Kai one and then they're like having it permanently in like the work where you do what your work is. It's a cocksucker, bitch ass ball fucker. Yeah. So I'm going to be honest. I mean, you win some, you lose some. Yeah, it's a give and take. Are you pretending? Hey, he's tapped out. He's like, he thinks he's he thinks he's recording a podcast episode somewhere else.
He entered in like a parallel universe. And I think it's a podcast and it's a universe where it's just him. Cause like he's giving no space for, let's see how long it goes. Oh, he's back.
I just was somewhere. So drunk that it like came out. And I do remember cracking. Ew. What? Y'all are like flirting with each other. I'm literally talking about shitting and throwing up. I would straight up kill for both of you guys. Okay. I would do whatever it took. Yeah. How about yourself? Oh, my God. And yeah, I think you went too far. Did he do it? Wait, but did he do it? No, and yeah, he went too far. I've got the power. Did he do it though?
And then the last song I need to... And I'm vibing inside. I want hair extensions again so bad.
I should do that actually. I'm gonna do that today before we go. I'm gonna break this on your fucking head. Why? So Drew, you were constipated and then Enya, you just played Fortnite. Yeah. That's cool. I started a non-profit. What? Yeah. So that's just like what I've been doing. You're claiming you started a charity? Yeah. I'm working on fixing war. I'm getting rid of it. You started a non-profit for neo-Nazis.
No, I didn't. I'm Jewish. Why would I do that? I don't know. You tell me. That's just something that you said. I'm not doing that. Do you have proof that you're not doing that? I don't have proof that I'm not doing that, but I'm also not. Oh, that does not look good. That really doesn't look good on you. Like, I'm going to be honest. Drew, you should be a lawyer. And I'm going to sell it. I'm going to make pink hats and call them pussy hats.
Alright, let's go into some media because you're freaking me the fuck out. Not your post-breakup with Joker glow up. You're glowing. Say snap. Me and Joker broke up. I tried to kill myself last week. I really wanted this to be a fun one. Do you want to know why? Why? Do you want to know how? Why? How and why? You can choose one. Why? I woke up in the middle of the night. Okay. And I walked into the kitchen.
I saw what I thought was a ghost but it was an intruder and the intruder looked at me and spoke in tongue or binary or I Couldn't describe it, but it was almost like a Morse code. Okay, I'm like clicking and The clicks for some reason resonated with me and they said kill your family or kill yourself choose one so I tried to kill myself and it didn't work and I later learned that
that it was a schizophrenic delusion and now i am on antipsychotics okay cool because i guess other carriers because i didn't know there were other phones other than iphones but apparently there are other cellular devices that you can purchase which is really confusing there's so because i thought i thought there were only iphones like what are the other ones like i don't know um i don't know you guys don't know that there are other phones they
There's only iPhone. I don't even know what the word phone means. I know iPhone. Is that a separate word? Because there's iPhones. Do you guys know that there were phones before the iPhone? I actually don't know what that word means. Yeah, because you keep saying it without like, that's like if you, I was like, oh, did you know that there were ohms before homes? Like, what are you saying? Yeah, like you're taking a letter out. Did you know that there were other types of iPhones before the iPhone? Yeah, there's iPhone like 3, 4. 4, 3, 2G. They dropped the 3G model. No. No.
Like, you guys could not be more wrong about this situation. Okay, because that's funny because it's two against one fucking idiot. Yeah. I didn't think about that. I hope you feel alone in that corner. That's lit. But basically, I found out that I had bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection at the same damn time. Hey. Which is pretty common. But... We made sourdough bread in that oven. Fuck.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
to like want this and I actually do need psychiatric help in this stem. This is very deep and it like goes back to like my childhood or something but I legitimately like want a chronic illness. Someone says or asks, "What's the hardest lesson you've learned in adulthood?" Um... That you are truly alone in this life. Like you can have your people, you can have your family, but at the end of the day,
You're alone. Well, that's like really fucking sad. And you're getting Call of Duty and Eye for an Eye. I literally kill so many fucking people. I've killed so many people. Or hair and you put the hair clip in it, you do that to my vulva. Yeah, and then I'd really take some time to try to find a clitoris. That's a psyop. That clitoris doesn't exist. Urgency intercom. Cream dream. Wet dream, cream dream. Cream team, team cream.
Are you on the cream team? Or are you squirt squad? Cream team or squirt squad? A lame, nihilistic way, but like, Azul is eating my goddamn plant. Motherfucker.
She was! Did she chomp on it big time? No, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Actually, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Like, this is actually, like, the saddest day of my goddamn life. Oh, no! Is it bad? Yes, we're leaving the saint. It's not the worst. We'll just put it... It's not the worst. It's not the worst. Oh, boy!
We'll just keep it here for the rest of the episode. We'll watch her. I'm gonna fucking vomit. Dude, oh my god. He ate... No, Inya. This is all him. I didn't even realize it. That's all him. He was eating the fuck out of that like a fucking snail. He's getting spankings. I'm not kidding. I'm gonna spank the shit out of him. I met dad a long time ago and I met him... Actually, I had a chance to meet him once in Honduras but he was the grandpa on my dad's side that abandoned my dad and at the age of five years...
- Five years old, I was a ride or die. They were like, "Oh, Abuelo's here. "Abuelo, you wanna meet him?" I stayed in that bed, jumping like a little monkey, monkey jumping on a bed, and I looked at my grandma and I said, "Nope, I don't wanna meet no fucking traitor." And then he died. - Damn. - No, I would be so mad, like,
so fucked up. I am vain. Like, I know this. I like, I am very vain. I'm stuck in my vanity. I want to be pretty. Like, that's like one of my main goals in life is to look good no matter what I'm doing. Being pretty is a curse because you're hated by the ugly people and you're hated by men. You get slut shamed. Yas, my feminist king. I'm down for the pretty girls. You're more than just a pretty girl to me. What am I? You're a funny girl.
You're a funny looking girl. In the fucking hurricane ticket booth at Chuck E. Cheese so bad right now. That was one of the happiest moments. Did they fight at your Chuck E. Cheese? I always saw parents getting into fist fights at my Chuck E. Cheese and it was fun and it was like this is this is
Human should be existing. Parents should be getting tipsy and fist fighting and kids are lost. And kids are crying and they don't know where to go. And the big mouse is scaring the fuck out of everyone. The video of me like drunkenly recording Drew with my handycam being like, I don't want to take him to the hospital. And like I go in close on his face. Yeah.
literally looks dead. No, I think we should insert that clip, like, legitimately. I mean, we could drive him to the hospital. No, I'm not going to the hospital. We could just drive to the hospital. It wouldn't cost $4,000. The thing is, Mason last night was literally throwing up, like, four times in a row, and we did take him to the hospital, so I'm like, why do we have to take Drew to the hospital? Look at him. He's way worse than Mason. This is, like...
Project X. That is so mean because like obviously everyone's destined to flop. Like... No, I was just in my flop era for the last like year and a half. Yeah, I go through constant flop eras. But my thing is you have to take pride in your flop. Yeah. Don't run away from the flop because it only hits harder. Exactly. Like you need to put on your best fucking dress. Just relish in the flop. And you need to go out there. Yeah. Yeah.
and slay in your flop. Try something new in your flop era. Yeah. But, but not too new. Like, don't be crazy. You are. He meant his Kindle. Yeah. His Amazon Kindle. Amazonian. That's what they should call the workers. Amazonians. Oh yeah. Yeah.
You look like you should turn to God and start doing that shit. No, literally, y'all do not want my religious art. Like, you do not want it. They're coming soon. Our religious homophobic tyrant art. Coming soon. Coming real fucking soon. What is that? What the fuck? No, stop. Stop. What is that? Oh my God, did you lock the fucking door? Did you forget to lock the fucking door? I forgot to lock the door. You were supposed to... Oh my God. What?
Literally my worst fucking nightmare. The thing about poetic justice is it's just so poetic. Oh, Cruella! Welcome, girl. I'm just getting started, darling. How did you get here, Cruella?
I need to know this. I need to know this. Feeding him live. I'm trying to... Bring back my dogs. Oh, my God. Show off the outfit, because I spent a lot of fucking money on this. Bring back my dogs. Is that RuPaul? I just found that out when my brother died. And now I'm reliving it because my grandpa just died. And honestly, when my bug died, that was really traumatic. Okay.
Damn, I'm being, I'm surrounded by death recently. Like you motherfuckers better watch out. Are you threatening us? I'm not threatening y'all. I'm just saying. One eye open when I'm sleeping. No, one eye. It was like nothing. Like it was like you couldn't even bring a bag onto the plane. For that flight, all you could have was like a book bag or some shit. Like because the plane could not handle that much weight. I couldn't fit on that plane because of like my fat ass.
And my wiener's like too heavy. It would like weigh it down. Because I have a giant fucking car. I can't believe that happened in real life. I know. See, that's one of my problems is like school doesn't teach you like important things like how to do your taxes and squid games. The consequences of your own actions. Okay. That really just threw the vibe off like incredibly. That like really ruined the vibe.
Like, you just, you know what it was? You felt happier than me. And in that moment I knew I had to take you down. Like no one, I should be, I am so miserable, but I still need to somehow be the happiest girl in the room. Oh, uh, I like when I got in there immediately, I was like, yo, like I need to like stand my ground and be like the man this prison needs. So immediately I went up to like the strongest gang in there and spit in their face, which was stupid because I was only in there for four days. Um,
And then I started this like underground, what's it called? Like economy with Slim Jims. So all of y'all's donations. But they didn't donate. Who donated? Just all the viewers. They like really, they stood by my side. Like they were there for me and like,
listener like thank you for putting money on my what is that commission like commissary commissary thank you for putting money on my commissary like i was able to buy slim i was able to buy enough slim gyms to start a little slim gym economy um and then yeah i traded three up for a shiv and i protected myself for four days and i'm here
It's like pirate sleigh. Like, would you rather have an eyepatch or a peg leg? Eyepatch. I feel like it's more iconic. But the peg leg is kind of sick. Peg leg? Can you imagine just fucking pegging someone with your leg and just like fucking their ass with your leg?
That was good. Yeah. Oh, like we actually don't need a test. Like Kai asked like a gay agent. The gay agent was like, oh no, like you're good. Like don't do it. I think it was straight actually. Oh my God. I would never take my kid to a water park. Honestly, I would give my kids. Oh, my kid is going to the water park. That's how I'm never sick is because I got my immune system. Because I went and I swallowed so much. I think my local water park was.
What? Because I went and I swallowed so much water at the water park. You didn't do that. Oh, okay. And I hope, and I hope, and I hope. Did you not live in a home? Yeah, you're not happy in that house. And you genuinely need to just get a homey house. And maybe you'll feel happier. But also, maybe I'm saying that. Let's do some wood. And that's the best sandwich you can get. I used to eat the tuna from Subway.
Literally going down. It's going down. For real. I'm going to play that on my iPhone. Why did you say that? More than I ever usually do. And are you serving while I talk? You know what I find crazy? What? Is that women can't come. Like they can't have orgasms. Drew, stop it because that's not true. Do you actually think that or are you just saying that? I'll believe it when I see it, you know?
yeah literally like i'm just trying to like i'm just trying to like figure out like i'm trying to figure out if you're joking because there's actually no way that you think women are incapable of having an orgasm well every woman i've been with has just not have you ever thought like that's more of like something you've done like a problem like you're like making or no because i but also like i haven't i have never seen that happen i mean that makes a lot of sense what do you mean there's
I had an idea for the podcast. I stand right here in front of the camera and then you guys just take turns kicking me in the nuts. In the what? In the nuts. Do you get off on that? No, I don't get off on that. I just think it would be a cool idea for the show. What about that is cool? Don't you guys think that would be cool? No. I would have fun doing it, but it would make me look bad. Imagine how funny it would be if I was doubled over in pain and you guys...
Maybe even continued to kick me while I was on the ground What? What is happening? I don't know I'm just saying like it's an idea And then maybe you could get some dirt and like throw it in my face Who's gonna fucking clean it up? I'll clean it up Okay yeah And maybe while I'm cleaning it up you yell at me and throw Piss on you? Tomatoes or eggs or piss That sounds like it's coming from your end Like you just wanna piss on someone Yeah
Yeah. I'll admit it. Yeah. Is that something you guys would be interested in? Or is that like... We're going to have to think about that. Yeah. Because that doesn't sound like... Can you please just say yes right now? Oh my God. Like, why are you like, leave us alone. Let us like figure it out. Okay. All right. Whatever. Basically getting off the flight. Ooh, this just vibrated in my coochie. Damn. Hold on. Put it back. I'm going to call you. Oh my God. We're in...
The Twilight Forest. I hope a big, strong, hunky werewolf man doesn't come and take me away and do things to me. Yeah, I hope all vampires are coming like,
finger me on my period and suck all the blood out of my um oh my cervix yeah i hope a big hairy werewolf guy they should have installed a vacuum in the mouth of okay yeah because also my dad called me and he was like anya it's getting hard out here like it's just so hot like i'm aging and i still have to work outside and my life is really hard and i was like oh my fucking god why the fuck do you keep calling me don't complain to us my work i'm working i'm
And then I fucking hang up on him and then I look at kind of like you better fucking cut that out of this You better cut that the fuck out because my dad's on the phone crying to me Then my mom calls and she's like anya like can you please can you help with the phone bill? And I'm like, oh my god, you fucking bitch throw your phone away. Yeah, why do you need a phone? I need a phone for my work It's crazy because I find myself working past like 5:15. I scream for cream you scream for cream We all scream for cream
Damn, literally the plane is crashing. Oh my- Like that's just me, that's just my body part, like I can't really stop it and they did make me leave my coochie in the US. Damn, they did the same thing to me with my heavy wiener. With your big boner? Chewing the lithium. What? Enya, you're beautiful and I love you just the way you are. I didn't ask you to say any of that shit. And you don't have to change yourself for me. I'm gonna take your skin, cut some of it off,
dehydrate it and then apply adhesive to the back of it and use your skin as nipple pasties. I love the way you make words. But it's like never that deep. But because of that and because of my caffeine intake and now that I'm a Coca-Cola drinker, I think I am two steps away from a kidney stone. Yes. And with that being said. Let's have a shit, a sip, shall we? Catch Me by Pretty Poison. Outside, how about that? Miracles by Alex G.
So you're just seeing things like more beautifully because like, you know, like how you have to turn down the radio to like listen to directions. That's what it's like. Like listening to loud music. It's hard to hear a conversation. Don't look at me right now. When you say that. I shattered my second Mason jar of the day. Wait, what is a glar? I heard it. I have no idea. I actually don't know. Ah!
I hella ate dog food as a kid and I wish I was brave enough to eat fish food too. Like when I'm at a table with my friends. John Mulaney had a really, I think I've literally said exactly this, but I was listening to a podcast. He was like, if you don't stop, I'm going to smack the fuck out of you. I'm calling all the last straight men in 2022. Should I do it? Should I do it too? Because like, I don't know if a gay person doing it, like it's like, oh.