Get More Stupider (Part 2)
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Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to Distractible!

This episode... Mini Moon Mark makes his manly mates minimize the mundane to the moronic. Waffling Wade has oral bleeding, mistakes the brief espouses spousal culinary capabilities and Picard's pantry. Baking Bob nails his nachos, goes full Emmett Brown, shows Schrodinger's stool, and sees the light of the Emperor. From Duas Lunas to Cave Bob. Yes! Yes!

It's time for Get More Stupider, Part 2. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hello, welcome to Distractible. This is the podcast you were looking for. I am your host, Markiplier, and I'm joined today as always and forever will be Bob and Wade. Say hi, boys. Forever? Did we? Is that what the contract? Forever. Forever. We paid a lot of money to get you to come back after you quit last episode. Oh, I forgot about that. I'm out of here. Nope.

I'll see you nerds never. You got to give the peace sign if you want the editors to make you disappear. Nah, I don't want that. All right. I'll do it. There he goes. Just kidding. And he's back. All right. So if you don't know what this podcast is all about, neither do we, because it changes every week and you can't really bet on anything being consistent here because everything is inconsistent. Everything and always. Bob, you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. Hey.

editors don't zoom in on his camera right now it's not it's not important i'm fine if you're listening to this it is available with video on spotify but you do whatever you want to because this episode is all about the imagination as is most episodes i suppose it's not really about the imagination it's about using your brain to conjure up things that matter and don't matter and helping everyone to understand things does that make sense no

You seem to have ripped a page out of your notebook. Look, it's not even a notebook. It's a watercoloring thing. I've decided if when we ever end the podcast, I'm selling my notebook with all my notes for billions of dollars. Some collector out there is going to want these horrible notes with grease stains on some of the pages. That's really good for you. I want you guys to take note of something.

There's a name I wrote first here! Mm-hmm. Now, usually I do Bob and Wade, but you know, I'm just saying. Just wanted to call that out. About time you realized I deserve to be written first. Wait, does that mean I lose? No, no, it has to be read first for it to be a lose. But before we get into the main brunt of the episode, of which we have so much to cover, how are you guys? I'm sure so many new things have happened since last time. I've been saving a small talk for this moment.

Bob, do you want to go first? Do you want me to share my small talk first? Oh, go ahead. I'm excited to hear it. Mark, you better be on the Reddit looking at pictures, man, because Earth now has two moons! Oh!

Oh, I did hear about this. Yeah. What happened? There's an asteroid that's going to be going around the Earth for a couple of weeks or something that's making it Earth's second moon temporarily. What? I'm going to Google Earth's second moon, and if nothing comes up, I'm going to be very disappointed. That's right. It isn't something large enough that you can look in the sky and go, oh, guys, but both.

Size of a school bus is what I tried to say, but all I could get was... Size of a tuba is what I'm hearing. That's not a very big size for something to be a moon. Apparently it's considered a moon by at least some. Yeah, and Pluto's not considered a planet, but that bus-sized piece of rock is considered a moon. Yeah, right. I don't know what the prerequisites are to become a moon. Is the definition that it's a moon or is it a temporary satellite? It's a satellite. I don't know.

Everyone's been calling it a moon. Because like a satellite is actually not just like a mechanical technological satellite. A satellite is, I think, a general definition for things that orbit around planetary bodies. You know what I mean? Celestial Visitor has been dubbed a mini moon by NASA. I feel like mini moon isn't a term. I feel like that's not a thing. I said the same thing about honeymoon and boy, did that get me in hot water.

Thanks, stand-up comedian from the 1950s. Eh, the Mrs. didn't care for that at all. Not one bit. I'm still bitter about Pluto, but whatever. Yeah, I am too. Pluto's a planet. Why are you so attached to Pluto? I just love Pluto. I mean, maybe it's like, it's not, you know, it's a dwarf planet. I get that. But it's also like, man, Pluto,

Pluto punches way above its weight. You see it's moon? Like the ratio of Pluto to its moon is like, Earth has a crazy ratio of planet to moon. Pluto's is even crazier. Charon, Charon, Charon.

Charon? Charon? Charon? Charon? Charon! Charon! Charon! Ah, the Aussie system. It is huge for, you know, comparative to the size of it. It's very large. Nachos are okay, but my very earnest mother just served us nine pizzas with so much better.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto. Oh. I feel like nachos are superior to pizza. I'm going to put that into the universe. Nacho, even the lowest form of nacho, which is slightly warmed crappy chips at a ballpark with yellow goop dispensed from a goop dispenser. It's pretty damn good. The lowest form of pizza is disgusting. The highest form of pizza definitely exceeds the highest form of nacho. I don't know. The highest form of nachos could be pizza. Nachos is all things to all people.

Oh God, is it cannolis all over again? Anything that's on anything is a nacho. I have, while I was in Texas, you know, I was pretty out there. So Texas, Austin usually has great food scene, but I was in a bit of a food desert. So I ordered, there's a sushi place, but I didn't trust the sushi at a sushi place that was quite a few miles out from the city and from the nearest body of oceanic water. We have sushi in Ohio. We have oceans all over the place.

Well, at least there's a river. You can kind of like assume that maybe it boated up here or swam. Fresh lobster? I guess those are alive sometimes. Yeah, it is. I know that you can ship fish anywhere on ice and it's fine. But I ordered ramen from this place because I was like, I'm tired of Taco Bell and McDonald's late at night. Let me try this ramen. I could use that. It says its broth was like 16 hours. It was boiled. Oh, that sounds good.

I have never had worse ramen. Oh no. I cannot explain how bad this ramen was. The soup was just watered down miso. Like,

Like not even miso watered down miso, like slightly cloudy. A few parts. I hope it was watered down. So it's actually just still water that they heated up after they're done washing their hands and the base and adding the flavor. They put the noodles in. Uh huh. Yeah. Speaking of the noodles, I like instant ramen packets.

are better noodles. They're actually not bad, but it's like when you go to a ramen place, you expect like nice chewy noodles, good taste, good flavor, good bite. This was like someone boiled the packaging, you know, the styrofoam packaging. Don't. They extruded it into strips of ramen and they boiled that. And that's what I was eating. Styrofoam noodles in my mouth. Dude. Squeak, squeak, squeak all the way down. Fuck you, fuck you.

Wade's taking his headphones off every time he hears about styrofoam. But then I went to the chicken, right? The chicken. It was both the toughest and the most rubbery. It was hard to bite into. And when you got into it, your teeth bounced back out of it. It was it was I can't explain how bad it was from top to bottom. Every part of this ramen was inexcusably bad.

Like I got pranked. There's no way this was actually like a Mexican restaurant and they were just panicking because they were like, how the shit did someone order ramen from our restaurant? How did the app mess up? And it just like, God, not that Mexican food is bad. I'm just trying to make an analogy. They wouldn't have necessary ingredients to make ramen. That would be very good. They made the broth out of liquefied salsa and,

That probably would have been better. That would have been better. If it was a Mexican restaurant, the chicken would have at least been good. Any halfway decent Mexican place, the chicken is always trustworthy. It was a ghost kitchen ran by someone who literally...

lives in an alley next to a dumpster and that's where he pulls all of his ingredients from. It's a ghost kitchen run out of an Applebee's. All the ingredients were harvested from unwanted Applebee's dishes. That's terrible. Who gave a small talk? I mentioned the moon. Probably me. Definitely Bob. Okay, you get the small talk point. What was your small talk, Bob? What got us there? It was really small and it led to Mark talking about ramen. Damn. Well done. Nailed it. Does our moon have a name? Moon. Moon.

Luna? Isn't that what the moon in Kerbal is called? Probably. No, it's called Mun. Oh, that's right. Mun. The Mun. What is Moon name? Name of Earth's moon is the Moon.

With a capital M. Oh, okay. Luna is a Latin name for the moon, which was used for a stretch of time in parts of the world. Also, Celine, Mon, or Manny, and Cynthia. Oh!

Oh, that's nice. Mamacita. They officially canceled Kerbal 2 because its development was just such a nightmare and it wasn't working out. I heard about that, and I find that hard to believe. I heard there was some serious turmoil inside the company or because management was trying to make the game be things or I don't know. It was terribly mismanaged or something, but...

How could Kerbal Space Program, it's not like a AAA dominate the market kind of game, but it was such a cult success. I can't imagine how they fumbled Kerbal 2. Like that was going to be a huge title. It doesn't make any sense because maybe they even did this, but wouldn't the natural conclusion be if you're that company, you hire the people making all the mods for Kerbal because there was some incredibly,

good mods. And so you hire those people because clearly they're passionate about it and you use whatever they were doing. I get that they probably wanted to build the whole system from the ground up because the physics kind of broke a lot. So they probably had to do a whole redesign of the entire system. But even then, it's like at best,

At worst, at worst, you just make the same, but with more. And they were like, I get it, wanting to go intergalactic with Kerbal, too. It's like, well, well, how about just galactic, you know? And it's just very, very interesting. Anyway, sad stuff. Okay.

Can I share a random tidbit? This is kind of gross, I guess, maybe. Ew. I had a physical yesterday. At the end of my physical, the doctor, like always, you know, they look in your ears and eyes and everything. So a genetic trait my family has, which is a really terrible trait that I wish I didn't have, was a lot of earwax buildup. So like oftentimes they know my physical, they'll go through and they'll like scrape or like use water, clean out my ears. They're like, oh, you have a 70% blockage. Let's clean that out. So I had that done. 70%.

I get I can never hear anything. I wonder why but they like scraped out my ears yesterday And I don't know what they did my writer They hit once something at one point that kind of hurt pretty bad and now my right ear just keeps filling up with like rust colored fluid I can feel it like swooshing around so I think something's wrong with my ear go to go back I probably should rust colored food. Are you sure that's not blood? I think there's blood in my ear. Yeah, there is blood Go back

back what are they gonna do i don't know fix it like there's no band-aid for the inside of your ear but like i think there's blood in my right ear right now i feel it kind of moving around we're going to the doctor now we're doing something i'll do it later you will not i slept on it last night and i'm alive how much blood was on your pillow none what color is your pillow hold on what color is your pillow rust

I'm going to be honest, waking up today and coming down to record, I might not have looked at my pillow. I didn't notice a big, like, blood splatter. Well, if you didn't look at it, it'd be hard to see. Anyway, I'm fine, but just like, I don't know, it's annoying. It's annoying having this wet feeling in my ear, like having a wet willy while recording. Yeah, it doesn't sound great. That sounds like a thing maybe to follow up on with a doctor of some sort. Yeah, I don't

like, I don't know, maybe it just needs to heal up after maybe they scrape something. Like there's no arteries in my ears which it'll stop once all the juice is out of there. Yeah, once it's done juicing, I figure it'll probably be fine. Also, do you actually like this is a weird conversation to pursue, but do you actually get like blockage of your ear canals? Because that's not

great i have a lot of wax build up yeah like do you not clean them i don't know how you clean the inside of your ears but i go in and they do it for me like if i'm ever having a day where i feel like it's crazy like i'll just come in we'll do it for you i know you're not supposed to yeah people say that you're not supposed to but i feel like unless you're a ham-fisted moron it's fairly easy to clean your ears relatively effectively with a q-tip

I do try to clean them, yeah, but I can't. I have... It's just... It's so much and it gets kind of deep in there. They have this, like... They have the little ear thing, like the little look in your ear scope. Yeah, yeah. And, like, the little tiny, like, long, skinny baby spoon they scrape the inside of your ear with. That's what they used yesterday, but sometimes they do. I've never in my life had that happen. I've had a machine. The machine sucked. It's very loud and just, like...

In your ear. That sounds terrifying. But I like the water. They have like a warm water that they'll like kind of like neti pot almost in your ear. Then they'll like. How many different ear treatments do you have? Every single one of these is new to me. You got a lot of ear stuff going on, man. Yeah, I've never had the doctor be concerned about my earwax in my life. My dad did. I remember my dad, his way of taking care of it was he would take a newspaper, rip off pieces, roll it up into like pointy bits and just stab it into his ears and pull it out.

How is that better than a Q-tip? I don't know, but that's what he did. I remember him doing it. How do you like keep your earwax and make it into candles or what? This is this is a lot of production you got going on here. No, but it's again, I don't want to gross everyone out watching, but I do have a lot of wax build up. And every time I go for a physical, at least once or twice a year, I have to have my ears like cleaned out. So weird. I've never had that. I would never have thought someone looks in your ear. They're just keep going. They go to look in there. They're like, can you hear what?

All right, well, I'm giving you a pity point for your messed up ears. They just built a lot of wax and apparently now blood in one. That's probably fine. Yeah, don't follow up on that. That's probably fine. I would show you, but I don't want to gross everyone out and make you all vomit. How would you show us? How much is there that you could show us? If I take like a tissue and I like just kind of dab it in there and turn my head sideways. I don't want to see. Yeah, I don't want to.

Rusty colored. See, rust is a weird way to describe it for me. That's kind of what it looks like. Wade, show us your ear juice. Don't show us your ear juice. Do it. Do it. Don't it. Don't it. It'll be wet after we're done. I'll show you. It'll be wet after we're done.

it's been juicy all day. I just haven't mentioned it, but it's bothering me enough now. I figured I'd mention it anyway. Sorry for oversharing. Okay. Well, we're going to move on to the main topic. Unless Bob, you got something else you would like to add to this conversation as a pal. I've been having this crazy diarrhea. Show it. It's a little rust colored. It's coming out my ears. You know what I mean? No,

I don't have any bodily mishaps going on. I guess I don't have any other small talk to contribute to this type of conversation. House plumbing, body plumbing, they're all gonna get me. Yeah, probably. It's all plumbing. It's stuff in stuff. It's plumbing. That does make sense. It checks out. Water is just red blood. Or wait, no, blood. Never mind. I said that backwards. Welcome to Get More Stupider Part 2. God damn it. What?

We're going to play a fun game here. What a good segue I had for you. You're welcome. Water's just red blood. You're already understanding how the game's going to work. We're going to explain something to you. Well, I'm not, but they are. They're going to explain something and we're all going to take turns getting more stupider. Plus, bonus, I still have the exact same wheel that I did before with other categories to get more of.

So we're going to start with stupider. Then we're going to spin the wheel and do whatever the hell that is. I remember some of the things that were on that wheel. I'll give an opportunity. We could take something. We could take something off the wheel if you guys both agree that you don't want to do that. Okay. Well, we'll see. We'll see if I get it or if Wade gets it.

What did we do for this? Well, you both will get it. It's just you both get it and it takes turns. No, no. We'll see if I get it or if Wade gets it. Hey, for new people that didn't see the last one, do you want to tell them what they had to do, what we had to do to remind them? And definitely not me. Right. So get more stupider. We did a part one of this is part two. These boys are going to explain something to you, something general knowledge that most people would know, but they're going to explain it so you can understand it better than the other person is going to explain it again. But stupider.

Is this the one where you get older? Yeah, the older one. I recall this at this point. Yes, but we're going to start with stupider. Okay, so you don't have to worry about anything. You guys know how to be stupider. Well, Bob, you didn't get a lot of points in the small talk. I'll give you a pity point. You go first on this round. You're going to tell us how to bake a cake.

And the first one doesn't have to be stupid at all, right? No, no. It's actually how to bake a cake. Okay, well, there's a lot of ways to go about it. You could use your own ingredients and make it, but I prefer to use a mix because the mixes turn out just as good, pretty much. Then usually you take the box with the cake mix in it, and it'll say, like, put half a cup of canola oil and two eggs in and mix it up. That's probably brownies, but you know what I mean. Whatever the box says, you just do that. You mix it up, and you put it in a cake pan.

Put the oven on the right temperature. Stick it in there. Check it with a toothpick. You stick a toothpick in. If it comes out and it's got little crumb stick stuff on it and it's not quite done, but if it comes out and it's clean, then you have cake. You just gotta let it cool off. Because if you put icing on a not cool cake, it melts. But if you let it cool, then you can put...

icing on it or no icing you don't need icing but like probably want icing that's cake that's nap description i think that's a good base level uh it's an understanding of the intelligence that we want to start with i think everyone knows how to bake a cake now wade stupider

So you get your half cup butter, you get your two eggs, you get two one-fourth teaspoons of vanilla extract. Not one one-fourth, but two one-fourths. One three-quarter teaspoon of baking powder, half cup milk, so on and so forth. Mix it up.

Just make sure you get your measurements right. You don't want to have too many of these three quarters or one quarters. Uh, you mix it all up, put it in your baking pan, set your oven to whatever it says to put it at, like 300 or whatever. Put it in there, close it up, set your timer. Uh, wait. Ding! Cake is done. Let it sit.

Was that stupider? That was smarter. You gave measurements and a temperature and you said to set a timer and wait for it to ding. What you're missing is a mistake that I had a family member make. They read two three-quarter cups. Instead of saying two and three-quarters, they put two three-quarter cups. So it was misunderstanding the measurements.

It was, that would be a moist cake. That's true, I guess. We had an incident where it was supposed to be a, it was like one and a quarter cups of something. I don't know. It was like two and a quarter cups of something. He put in like two, one quarter cups instead of two and a quarter cups of sugar. So he made cookies with basically no sugar in them. It was terrible. Yeah.

Well, I think we can roll with this, though. Since that was smarter, Bob, please explain how to make a cake smarter. Just because I don't want to disqualify this right off the bat. Was that really smarter? I thought the wrong directions was worse. We don't know what the base of the right directions were. Yeah, we didn't have the context of the printed instructions that you read wrong. I thought you were just saying the measurements weird.

He didn't give any measurement. Bob didn't give any measurements at all, but we're going to keep rolling with it. Let's get smarter. Okay. Get more smarter. Get more smarter. Well, I, if there's one thing I know about being smart, it's that the

The best way to do that is to work smarter, not harder. So if you really want to make, and by make I mean have, a perfect cake, what you're going to want to do is find your wallet and your car keys, drive over to your best local bakery, pick up whatever flavor cake you so desire from them, and ask them to put happy birthday, whatever, if it's for an event. They'll put that on there. Make sure you spell it correctly. Check that with your smart brain. And then bring that cake home. Ha ha!

And eat it. Work smarter, not harder. I'll accept it, I guess. Wait, do you know how to more intelligently cause a cake to appear? I guess that's the premise. You don't have to accept my answer, just to be clear. I'm accepting it. I'm accepting it. My co-host here has wasted the time to leave his house to have a cake appear at his door. Have you heard of Uber? Uber?

or DoorDash, or Grubhub, so on and so forth. Type cake, find the one you want, add to cart, give a tip, click that express delivery to get there as fast as possible for some extra dollars. Processing order, order placed, picking up order, order on the way, and the cake is delivered right to your door. No work at all necessary. You can do whatever you want. You can order your food. You obviously are gonna want some dinner later. Might as well have that set up to be delivered on time. No need to leave your house.

I'll accept it. This is somehow getting both smarter and stupider at the same time, and I kind of like it. It's diverging in both directions. Bob, please, smarter. There's got to be a better way. A wise man once said that a penny saved is a penny earned. Smart advice, I say. So spending all that money on delivery is a silly, goofy way to get a smart cake. If you want to cook a cake smarter, well, everyone knows that...

Europeans are smarter than Americans, which means the way you should cook your cake is using Celsius and the metric system. And you should weigh your ingredients because weighing ingredients for baking is actually much more accurate than volumetric measuring. Well, flour could have a different moisture content. You don't know if it's clumped or if it's sifted. It will change the volumetric. What you want to do is you want to get

630 grams of flour, 20 grams of baking soda. You want seven grams of salt, 250 mil of whole milk. You want that fat in there. And then you want two farm fresh room temperature eggs. You want to make sure you set the oven at 128 degrees centigrade. The smart system.

You want to mix this all up, but you don't want to overmix it. It's overmixing. It's going to denature some of the proteins in the flour. It's going to toughen up. You want a nice, tender, smart cake. And you put that... What you do is you grease the pan. You put your delicious cake batter into the pan. Oh, I forgot to add. You also add cocoa, obviously. A smart person wouldn't recognize that. I left that out because you don't need to say it, but...

You would add approximately 150 milligrams of cocoa powder to the thing. And then you mix it up. You put it in your centigrade oven and then you bake it for the correct amount of time because a smart person knows how long a cake takes. And then you take it out. And you know what smart people do with the cooling? Is it rack?

Things cool faster on cooling racks. That's why they exist. So you don't just leave the cake in the pan. You get it out and then you run a little knife around the edge and then you set, you dump the cake out carefully onto the cooling rack. Then you have fast cake and faster is smarter. That's very smart. Very intelligent. I feel smarter just hearing that. I don't know what the difference between centigrade and Celsius is, but... Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot who I was talking to. Yeah.

I'll try and speak at your level in the next one. Hey, watch yourself. Watch yourself. Wade, can you go smarter? Scientifically proven. Some dating apps like eHarmony, Europe Mingle,

- Medic, news, K-N-U-Z in Netherlands. You can really just down to the science, meet people that you connect with. And if one of your preferences is finding someone European or elsewhere who knows how to bake, you can meet and date those kinds of people online now.

And then you hit it off because it's scientifically proven that you match better that way. You get together, you get married, and you don't have to worry about learning Celsius or the metric system. It will come to you. And on top of that, you have a brand new spouse in the house along with it. That's my favorite Disney series. The spouse of the house. Or is that, I guess it's a Dr. Seuss book. J.

Genius, genius. You make it so you don't even have to make the cake and you get love in your life. What better combination? This is a really smart move. Very intelligent, Wade. Very good. Bob? I've got this. There's a smarter way. All right. There's a smarter way. You are in your garage laboratory and you realize you need some cake, but you are too smart to make it or purchase it. So what do you do? You invent the flux capacitor. Okay.

You successfully invent the flux capacitor, a piece of technology that no other human has ever been able to even conceive of. You install it into your DeLorean. You hit 88 miles an hour. You go back to the future. And when you get back to the future, watch a sporting event that you know the outcome of. Perhaps the World Series. Perhaps an important boxing match.

And while the event is going on, you walk up to some schmo and you say, sir, I bet you one chocolate cake that the Yankees lose this game. And you know that they lose this game because you're a genius from the future who invented time travel. And when that happens, that schmo will bring you a chocolate cake for free where you are and you get to enjoy it without having to lift a finger other than, I guess, picking up the fork to eat it. Maybe he'll feed it to you.

Maybe that's a prop bet. Who knows? That feels very smart. I think the flux capacitor, only a smart person could possibly make that. Genius even. The steps to get that cake feel a bit convoluted, but on the way, much like having a brand new wife, you invented time travel. So it's all, it's all good. Wade, is there a smarter way?

Going back into time, while it does work, adds a couple of unnecessary steps. We already know that in Star Trek, they've showed us the food replicator. You simply need to invent the food replicator or recreate it because it's already been invented.

and you just tell it you want cake, it'll pop right out. Simple invention, really. What? Yeah, I think. But it feels not as smart as previous steps, but that does feel smart. Oh, no. That's a tough call. Simple doesn't necessarily mean stupid. You do cut out a lot of steps. You simplify the process. If your goal is cake, which cake is the goal, I do think I have to say time travel, although very smart, is a bit, you know, bit off the topic. I think I got to call that one a little bit smarter.

That's okay. I think I got this. Okay. You are brilliant Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger. Into a box on your kitchen counter, you put flour, eggs, milk, oil, cocoa powder, sugar. You close the box.

because of your paradox that you discovered that box is both filled with cake and not cake, which means that by simply being Erwin Schrodinger and having that box, you have cake because of quantum physics. I

Ah man! *laughs* Schrodinger's cake! *laughs* Schrodinger's cake! *laughs* God! I might have to call that! I might have to call that! Wait, unless you think- You know what? I'll concede it! I'll give it to Schrodinger's cake! Yeah, I'm gonna give Bob a Schrodinger's cake! Even if I thought of something smarter, it wouldn't be funnier! *laughs*

Oh man, that's very good. So what I have and what you'll see... So there's too many options on here and I realize some of them aren't really what we want. Like Yu-Gi-Oh Grandmaster? Ha ha ha!

Leaving that in. New York? Nah, that ain't it. French? Nah, this ain't about accents. I know that. Same with sports commentator. Southern and Patrick Warburton. We don't want that. Rhyme? Doesn't matter. Nothing. What? Oh, Rhyme was going to be really tough. I thought that one was interesting. All right. Rhyme's back in, baby. Looks like Rhyme's back on the menu, boys. All right. Rhyme is what it is. If it

If by the end of it, every single word doesn't rhyme, I'm going to disqualify you immediately. This isn't the topic. This is the... We get more old, more caveman, more guru. I'm actually taking old out of there because we've done it before. So I've got stupid, religious, secretly a murderer. So...

War Secretly a Murderer? This is semantic. Can we change religious to fanatical? Fanatical, sure. I think that's a broader category. Fanatical Secret Murderer. All right. Paranoid, Bro, Guru, Yu-Gi-Oh Grandmaster, Ron,

Rhyme and Caveman. Did we do Caveman? I have a memory of grunting and shouting a lot. It devolved. Okay. This is more specifically Caveman. Would you like to know what you're going to be explaining first?

Sure. So you're going to be explaining the basics of photosynthesis. Okay. You both know what photosynthesis is, right? It's the powerhouse of the cell. Not quite. Slightly different. It's whenever you have a dark room. Oh, no, don't explain it now. That's part of the, that's what we got to do. Oh, wait, is this a joke? It was a joke, yeah. All right, tell the joke. It's when you take like your Polaroids into a dark room so they can develop. Not worth it. All right, we're spinning. And you guys are going to, ooh.

Oh, God. Great, right off the bat. This is the one I was most looking forward to. You're going to be getting more fanatical, formerly religious, but fanatical, as you explain, and Bob, you went first, so Wade, you're now going, and give us a nice baseline to work with, Wade, of how does photosynthesis work? Just the basics. Well, as all things, it works through a little bit of prayer and belief. We look up, and we are blessed with rays from above,

that come down and they hit the greenery on this beautiful planet. As the rays hit the plants, they're filled with God's love and...

They bloom. I've got to pause. I'm so sorry. It has to start with a normal. It has to start normal and then get fanatical. So I love the ambition, but it... What's a normal fanatical explanation of photosynthesis? No, not fanatical. Not fanatical at all. 0% fanatical. Okay, so I'm not doing any kind of thing to explain photosynthesis. No fanatical, yes. All right, fair enough.

All right, well, heat and light hitting a plant are converted into energy via the process of photosynthesis inside of a plant because the inside of plants are complex systems full of cells that require nutrients, including from the soil, from rain, so on and so forth. But light and heat are a very important source of energy, and the process of photosynthesis is simply the conversion of that energy into nutrients so that the plant can thrive.

That's a very apt description. That's great. That is pretty much what photosynthesis is without getting too into the weeds. Thank you, Bob. When the big ball in the sky blesses plants with his warmth and generosity, they don't refuse it. They turn it into a good thing.

it into delicious food in the same way that we turn our generosity between each other into delicious community. And by delicious, I mean not delicious, but you know, it's good. It's supportive. It's good for us. Humans need community like plants need the sun. It

It shines down on them and the heat and the sun rays are photoelectrically turned into energy because I totally know how photosynthesis works. And they feed the soul of the plant, by which I mean they feed the plant actual food. But our souls are the ones that will be fed by the photosynthesis of our love for each other into food for our souls. Beautiful. Amen. Amen. All right. Wait a little more fanatical. My brothers and sisters. Ha!

I alone speak to the plants. I alone know what they have to say and what their needs are. And your generous donations are exactly what they need to get the process of photosynthesis started. Without you, the sun's rays will dim away. I've heard it from the plants themselves. They speak, they whisper, they yell, they scream, they cry, they love. And they need your love right now. So please...

Be generous. Your donations are the key to the survival of this planet. Every blade of grass, every tree, they all need you and your support. And I will speak on their behalf and on your behalf to them to make sure we can all live in harmony. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Very, very good. Bob? All living beings in this verse know the truth that we exist to serve the emperor. What?

From humanity down to the creatures that walk the dirt, down to the very plants themselves, down to the sun that feeds the plants, they all know they must sacrifice themselves for the benefit of the emperor and his greatness. The sun burns hydrogen, just slowly destroying itself, sacrificing everything it has to feed the plants. The plants turn that delicious sunlight into

food for themselves so that they may grow tall and sacrifice their selves to the animals and to humans. And the animals know that they exist only to be eaten so that we may be stronger to serve his majesty's purposes. Humanity shan't reach among the stars without the sacrifice of every living being. Amen.

Amen. Wade? It's too late! There's nothing we can do except for sacrifice ourselves to bring the plants back! Our blood is the key for the soil to be nutrientized! To be deputized! To feel something again! Take the blades! Take these cocktails! Drink and slet and allow

our blood to bring the plants and photosynthesis back for the sun is not strong enough without the blood of you and I! Jesus god damn. Amen. Did Wade die? I think he sacrificed himself. Oh, I get it. That's very fanatical. Alright, Bob, do you think you can get more? Listen, Jimmy, I think you know why you've been brought here to this office. We need to have a serious talk. The Overseer doesn't appreciate you questioning his authority. Shh.

We've heard that you've been experimenting with growing plants with and without sunlight, that you think you have some scientific theory about photosynthesis or some nonsense. And I just have to tell you, the overseer's word is not to be questioned. He says how the plants grow. They grow because of his grace. Okay? And you are challenging that grace right now. And without the overseer's grace, none of us get to exist. Do you like existing, Jimmy? It seems like you like existing. Do you want to keep doing your little science experiments? Well...

You'd better keep the overseer's grace on the back of your mind when you're thinking about your science. Okay? So photosynthesis is not real. I don't care what experiments you've run. The overseer says plants grow when we serve his purposes and when we're obedient little followers. So you'd better be obedient and follow or we're not going to eat any corn, are we?

Amen. Puddle snakes rule. Amen. I love that. Very fanatical, but I got to give the point to Wade. He launched into a tirade. I do love overseeing little Jimmy in the office. But man, Wade, yeah, you got your whole congregation to donate blood. That was... Oh, feels good. I'm glad I pulled for fanatical to be on the wheel. I made that happen.

Don't worry. I'll be dying for the next 20 minutes. You've got it. We're definitely going to get Yu-Gi-Oh Grandmaster next because I'd also know what that is. Here is a little advantage. I won't. You won't know what the the more of doing thing you'll get, but I'll let you pick the topic. How's that? I don't know if you want to do that. I have my heart set on one that I don't think anyone but me is going to enjoy. Oh, OK. All right. Well, I mean, wait, topic that we're explaining the thing you're going to explain. Oh,

okay. I have a list. Unless you have one that you want to do. No, no. Sorry. I thought you meant pick the thing off the wheel. No, no, no, no. Wheel's going to spin. No, what's your, what's your topic list? All right. So it's, I've got how to tie a shoe. I've got the structure of an atom. I've got the importance of sleep and the basics of the solar system. All right. Structure of an atom. It is. All right. Structure of an atom. We're going to explain that. And how are we going to explain it? Normally at first, please give us a rhyme.

God, I want to rhyme about neutrons so bad. Uh-oh. Interesting. I don't know how that's... Huh. You're going to get more paranoid. This one will be really good if you're all worked up, Wade. This will really calm you down. Yeah, man. I can't wait. This will be relaxing.

All right. Well, the wheel has spoken. So now it's time to explain. Bob, what is the structure of an atom? Well, it's really simple, actually. An atom is comprised of two main components. There's the nucleus and then there are the orbiting electrons. The nucleus has two components in it.

which would be protons and neutrons. They are the clump in the center, and then the electrons orbit around them in sort of fixed radiuses. And the protons are positively charged and the electrons are negatively charged, which is what draws the electrons towards the nucleus. Probably not.

And that's pretty much it. I mean, what determines what kind of thing an atom is, is how many protons does it have? What sort of electronic arrangements does it have? So on and so forth. And the bigger and heavier the nucleus is, the more unstable, generally speaking, the atom will be. And so like, you know, radioactive isotopes.

are very large, clumpy atoms. - Fair enough. I think that's a pretty accurate description without getting too much in the weeds. Wade, feeling paranoid? - No, man. An atom's pretty simple. You have the nucleus, which is like the command center made up of protons, electrons, and so on and so forth, and cameras.

and such that the nucleus always kind of knows what's going on. And the way you know what kind of atom you have is how many things are kind of floating around watching things. Basically it, you know. Oh, all right. Yeah, that basically is it. Bob, something behind you? No, I don't think so. This is a secure location. Although now that you mention it. Ha ha ha!

Listen, all right, I'm going to talk. I'm going to keep it quiet in case they are listening. This is a pretty deep bunker, but you're right. They could have microphones that could penetrate. All right, I'll just whisper. I'll whisper it. It's okay. So in the middle, you have protons and neutrons and orbiting around those.

You have electrons and the electrons think they're free, but they're not, man. They're not. They're trapped there by the electromagnetic force. We're the electrons, man. That's us. Okay. And we need to break out of here. You feel me? Yeah, I do. I do, man. I didn't know. Wade? I

I can feel them inside me. Every single part of me is being watched! My fingernails! They're not just growing because my body tells them to, they're growing because the cameras are collecting data! And every time I clip them, that's data they're getting their hands on! Why do you think I shaved my head? So they can't collect them so much! It's like shredding documents! I have...

to take lye in the tub after I shower, after I bathe, to make sure it breaks down what I leave behind so that they can't get a hold of it because every part of me is just collecting data for them! Protons, neutrons, electrons, none of that's real! It's all just data collection! And it's inside, I feel, I,

I thought you were gonna go through that whole tirade like, "Oh by the way, it's protons and neutrons and some electrons." No man. Alright Bob, are you feeling more paranoid? Listen man, atoms are just a government conspiracy man. Can you see atoms? I don't see any atoms.

I made of meat and blood, bones. I know what's in me. Think I got atoms in me? No, that's just what they want you to think, man. They want you to think that you're made of all these raw materials that they own, man, right? Because they own the soil. They own the sky. They think they own everything. They don't own us. They don't own this flesh bag, okay? And they don't own what's in here, right? Because they can't know what's in here. Because I don't drink the water.

I don't drink the water and I grow my own food and I water it with my own piss. So it stays pure. I filter my own piss water for my plants. That's how I know I don't have any atoms in me. Do you have atoms in you? Is that what you're trying to tell me right now? Are you one of them? I didn't. I don't think so. That's exactly what one of them would say. If you were here in person, I would piss all over you. Purify your soul.

Oh, that reached into fanatical. Hang on, sorry. There's a crossover at the Venn diagram. Amen, brother. Oh, wait. Is there any deeper levels of parables?

It's in my skin! Get it off me! Get it off me! I'll cut it off! I'll slice it! All right. Okay. All right. That's, that's, uh, yeah. Uh, Bob, I'm afraid that, um, unless you got something deeper in you, it's going to be hard. I need knee pads for these kinds of shows, man. I invented my own language so that no one would be able to understand what we're talking about. Okay. Even you guys won't know.

No, I don't. That's not even going to work. You should go start speaking gibberish. Wade took exactly the idea I had. I don't like that. See, he's dying because he knows the truth. Oh, fuck. Oh, now there's liquid in my lungs and my ears. Thanks, man. So, Bob, are we calling it there? Yeah, I got nothing. All right. Okay. All right. We're going to give him the paranoid point.

Yeah, we can do one more. We'll do a quick one. This is easy. I got this. I actually am going to go with what the wheel spun to. I clicked it and it was there. And I haven't moved it since. But it's Caveman. Okay. Sure. Caveman, right? We're going to explain how to tie a shoe. Very simple. Very easy.

I start off, right? Yeah, yeah. I didn't actually learn how to tie a shoe until second grade, which is kind of embarrassing, but true story. But my teacher sat me down like before recess or after recess when she, I came up to her and was like, help, can you help me tie my shoe? And she showed me, it's very simple. You take your shoe strings, pull them basically straight up, cross them, wrap one down around the other and back through. And you form like a little W, which was great for me. Pull it down, tighten it.

And there's multiple ways you can go from here. You can either form a loop with one side, take the other string, wrap it around, take its tip, wrap it under, pull, and you have two loops, two strings. Or you can bunny ear it, make two loops, take one loop, just like you did at the start, cross them, wrap one loop down to the other, pull, two different ways to tie your shoe. Then you can loop again and double knot if you want, but... Fair enough. That is how you tie a shoe.

Bob? Yeah, since I got the Geico gig, it's been really hard to escape the stigma. But no, you want me to teach you how to tie a shoe? Sure. Yeah. No. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. That's people usually ask me about the caveman stuff. No, I cross the laces. You wrap one under the other. Yeah, like that. I do the bunny ears. I do the bunny ears. You make the two bunny ears. The bunny chases the other around the tree and you pull it through. And yeah, you got it. I think you were just kind of finding an excuse to talk to me.

I get that a lot. That's fair. Thank you. You saw right through me. I like to take the low-hanging fruit as often as possible. That was low? Man, I hadn't thought about the Geico caveman in so long. Wow. Wade. Two strings. Up. Cross. One down. Pull. Two loop. Cross. Down. Pull. Tie it.

Fair. That's good, Bob. Two strings. Both Bobcats. One Bobcat. Chase other Bobcat. Round. Round. Round. Round. Round. Under. Round. Round. I watch. Dizzy. Take club. Kill Bobcats. Shoe stay on.

I didn't expect that. Man, okay. How am I gonna top that? Okay. Shoes stay on really good. All right. All right. Wade. Small. There. Kick. Oh. Kick. Oh. Shoe. Oh.

I'm sorry, did you just kick two small creatures up the butt so you could have shoes on your feet? I was in their mouth, but I could be up their butt too. Oh, okay, okay, got it. They opened their mouth to roar and I kicked in their eyes. I'm just thinking, they could bite you if you kick it in their mouth. Shoes stay on. Shoes stay on. Shoes stay on. Bob? You're going to have to come with me on this one. It's a bit of a stage play. I'm ready.

I'm a caveman frozen in ice. I'm a scientific researcher. Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. This is the mouth of the caveman. I'm chiseling the ice away. Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. We didn't wear shoes. God damn it.

I would call it. You know, I was thinking of like Velcro straps and just saying like Reebok, but I like your, we don't wear shoes more. Oh man. That was a fun time. Guys, you guys are so funny. Okay. I'm going to tabulate the points. Whose name am I going to read first?

- Probably Wade's, 'cause he was first on the list, yeah. - Okay, so Wade, you got quite a few small talk points. You got two moons, the honeymoon pun, we all laughed at it, so I gave you that. I subtracted a point for the ears because it grossed me out and you should probably go to the doctor, but you redeemed yourself. You got that point right back by with the quote, "It'll be wet afterwards."

And I don't remember what that's referring to. Still my ears. Still his ears. You won fanatical and you won paranoid. You really put in the power into those performances. Bob, for some reason, I gave you the small talk point. Because it was my small talk, probably. I prompted you definitely to talk about whatever it was that you talked about. So that was the ramen. That was the ramen. That's what it is. And then there was Schrodinger's Cake, which up until that last round,

It looked like it was going to be a clean sweep by Wade. You went balls out in the last round. I wrote you points for Geico Caveman, which I thought was very clever. And then Choose Stay On, which for some reason made me laugh super hard. And then you won the Caveman round. It was three points back to back. So with Wade's four points to your five...

You eked out the win in the last round alone, and it was the quickest round. That's the way it is. See, this is a minus one, and you got it right back, and so that's net zero, one, two. That's true, yeah. The minus one really hamstrung you there. I'm so sorry that my health condition is not good enough for points from you. Well, when you go to the doctors, you can get it back. I just went yesterday, man.

That was the problem. Go to a different doctor. You should definitely probably have that checked out a little. WebMD says blood in your ear means cancer or contusion in your ear canal. I'm pretty sure that's the one because there was something scraping my ear yesterday. Scraping doesn't really sound like the kind of thing a doctor should do to an ear. I'm not going to question a professional without all the facts, but that just doesn't sound right to me. I don't know. They're that little spoon.

All right. Well, either way, Bob, congratulations. That was quite a final round. What a comeback. Really well done. You go winner speech first. Honestly, I'm surprised I won. I felt like Wade made me laugh a lot during this episode and had some really good performances that I just couldn't even match. It was a good fight. It was a good clean comedy battle, just like all of our comedy battles are. So congratulations to Wade, but more congratulations to me because I actually won. So thank you.

I'm welcome. Very humble. Wade, I thought it was yours right up until the end. With the paranoia and the fanatical, I don't know. Bob just embodied the caveman. There's a saying in professional football that you need to dominate your opponent and not leave it up to the refs in the end of the game because they might blow it for you. But at that point, you should have done more early.

I should have done more early. Getting down to start with that lost point really came back to hit me. Bob didn't have any turnovers today, and I did. And turnovers are a big part of the problem whenever you're trying to win a game. Made a good push, but in the end, they had the ball last, scored, and not much I can do about that. I thought it was a clean, well-fought game, but I just didn't put it away when I had the chance. And one or two plays here or there made the difference, and Bob ended up with more points in the end. That might be the best loser's

speech slash interview we ever had. Did you give it 110% out there? Always do. I'm proud of these guys. The guy who lost his skin, the guy who drank the Kool-Aid, they really left it all out there. They might be on injured reserve for a while, but you know, we'll check in on them. We'll have more for you tomorrow on the injury report.

Thanks, Coach. Go, Wade! I hope you all enjoyed Get More Stupider Part 2. We didn't actually do Get More Stupider at all in this, but that's okay. It happens to the best of us. Thank you. You can find us all at our various social medias, distractiblestore.com for our merch. And just have a lovely day. Follow the podcast for more fun stuff like this when Bob hosts the next episode. All right, that's it. Podcast out.