Ted Became Even More Dangerous
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Hey everyone, welcome back to the Chuckle Sandwich podcast. This is apparently the number six comedy podcast on Spotify. According to a certain metric, we have no idea what that entails. If that is indicative of how much numbers don't mean anything, I don't know what is. We don't even know if it's true. Why are we on the comedy charts, guys? This has never been good. This has never been funny, and yet we keep climbing.

We should really be on the crime charts. Yeah, this should be on the atrocities chart. I agree. True crime. And we commit it every time. Crimes against mankind. Influencers are ruining the world. I'm sure that every single...

host that's been doing this. They've been grinding every day. The blood, sweat, and tears they put into this podcast grind, and then they just see these fucking asshole 20-year-olds just climb up the car. They just see us climbing. Their hands are bloodied from punching walls all day for the last several days, weeks even. But yeah, welcome back.

Last episode, we had Minx on the podcast, and today it's just us on our lonesome. Can we never have her back on again? Thank God. We considered bringing her on as our new member, but unfortunately, after the podcast recording ended, her and Schlatt got into a really, really serious argument, if you want to elaborate on that, Schlatt. Yeah, well, we were actually talking about why she sent a...

a box of butt plugs to my house yeah i don't think that there's quite an answer to that question no and i'd like to not talk about it again ted oh okay you've got it you've got it i don't like about just a minx we won't talk about the package of sensual there were different sizes too she texted me like work up you know get practicing a

a butt plug charcuterie. Is that an appropriate? Yeah. Yeah. It's completely inappropriate. She didn't even ask if you already had any, it's just, I know. I know. She just assumed. She just assumed I'd never broken my button. Exactly. Exactly.

And now you've got two big boxes of buttons. That's the worst thing a person can do. That's the worst thing a person can do, too. Just assuming that you haven't broken your butt in. And Ted, Ted, for the record, it's charcuterie, all right? But you will not say charcuterie in my household. What the fuck is charcuterie? What are you guys saying? You know, you know, charcuterie. Charcuterie. Charcuterie.

It's from the... It's from the Charcutte... It's from the Charcutte region of France. What pasta is this? Do I put pesto on this, or do I put the... No, you're thinking Italian, man. Come on! What are you doing? Why do you think an Italian sauce... What are you doing, Tony? Oh, either way. Recently, I...

It kind of became sort of badass. And I'd like to talk about it. I'm sure that some of our... I saw you actually on the Oscar nominees, and no one can disprove that because no one watched. Yeah, the Oscars just happened. You were there. You were there. It was a good time.

It was incredible. It's true. What are you going to do? Say I'm wrong? How the fuck would you know? The Oscars, you know, it was really, really strange how the Oscars didn't invite me. It was weird. Similar to the podcast host in which we blew past with the speed of a thousand suns, I was bloodying my hands when the Oscars didn't bring me to the show. Just like you bloodied all the bones in my body a couple years ago. Exactly. You know very well firsthand, Schlatt, about what that is all about.

Four choice words firsthand. Really? Barely used my hand. You are sick, man. Yeah. But since the Oscars just happened, I suppose it would be fun to talk about my experience because

Because I did one of the biggest videos that I've ever done recently, which was my... Thank you. Appreciate that. And it turned out great, by the way. It was really good. And I'm jealous that you got this opportunity. Yeah, I worked with Universal. For those of you who are Schlatt or Charles fans who don't follow my channel, I worked with Universal and I did a sponsorship with them. They had this new movie, Nobody, with beautiful Robert Odenkirk.

who it's basically John Wick, but with like an older middle-aged man that's already got kids and he's got like this internal fucking rage that he used to be like a special forces agent of some degree. I think it's going to be a series, but Universal reached out to me or really they reached out to my manager and they were like, hey, we want to do influencer marketing. So we're going to have you

Work with us, Universal Studios, the movie studio. That is so insane, dude. And we're going to have... So cool. I guess Universal Pictures. And we're going to have you...

Recreate a scene from this movie. And me, fucking filmmaker Ted, hey, look at me. I'm making YouTube videos and I'm feeling like I'm a piece of shit for not making anything of artistic quality. I'm like, oh, shit. Went to film school. Finally time to put it to fucking use. Yes. Finally time. For real. Honestly, you know, I'm sure there's a lot of people who go there a long time without utilizing their... Like, my mom went to school for kinesiology. Oh. And she...

She's not a kinesiologist. I think that's like physical therapy or something. I think that's the old word for physical therapy or something along those lines. And what does your mom do now? Oh, she's like a... That's what they used to burn people at the stake for. She's like an administrative manager at this company that they like...

Do you guys have parents that just don't know what, no matter how many times they tell you, you just don't know really what their job is? Yeah, for the life of me, I can't figure out what Charlie's mother does. Okay, well, Charlie's mom is probably the easiest one. Well, Slad, I can always remind you.

She's just straight up a baker. Let's stick this question in the oven and let it rise up a little bit. Hey, nice. Yeah. But either way, it was really cool that Universal reached out. And what was even cooler was that I got to do the – it was –

Originally, what was going to happen... So what I did was I met up with this guy who is the stunt coordinator on the film. He's an action actor, which means that he acts and does his own stunts. He was on an episode of Barry. If you guys have seen the show Barry, he was this guy... I think his name was like... I forget what his name was, but it was this guy. Spent this entire episode. Barry was trying to keep this guy in line. It was Daniel Bernhardt, and he was in a bunch of movies and shit.

He was in John Wick. He was one of the main bad guys in John Wick that bought Keanu Reeves. Barry. John. Yeah. Good old John. And he also got his legs broken by Harley Quinn in the new Harley Quinn movie, Bird of Prey. We just got to keep saying the name every time. But...

Yeah, I mean, it was originally what they were going to do was have me just do it over Zoom. Oh, no. Yeah, right? And I was like totally hounded my manager and was like, dude, you got to...

You got to make it, you got to bother Universal until they let me do this shit. What did they want you to do on Zoom? They send you one of those like human flesh torso replicas and just a knife and get on call with you. They wanted me to meet with Daniel over Zoom exclusively. And that's it? Just talk with him? Like tell a few jokes? I had done some other Zoom calls with him where I did the practice, the moves and stuff.

But then and then after all of that was through, like halfway through the process of doing the sponsorship, they were like, hey, you can actually meet up with Daniel and do this shit in person. And that totally changed the video, I think, for me. Yeah. Well, you got the in-person experience now. Now you can really kill people. Yeah.

You know how to do some hits, take some falls. Does this make you guys nervous at all? Nervous? If you wanted us dead, we would be, Ted, at the end of the day, right? I don't know if that's true. I don't know if that's true, Ted. I mean, I'm the only carrier here. You're the only carrier? Carrier. What does that mean? Various illnesses and weaponry. You carry illnesses?

and little bottles. That's what I do. I carry tiny little vials. Schlatt just opens up a briefcase and he's got a bunch of syringes. One's like measles, another's like malaria. He just sneaks up behind people. That makes you way more dangerous than me. And I could probably carry Schlatt, so now I'm at the top of the food chain. I break Schlatt's arm once with a bat in his childhood and that causes him to become a man that carries around a briefcase full of every disease. That's a different...

I was actually put in charge of... Oh, man. I remember when they put me in charge of killing Kim Jong-nam in an airport. Yeah? How'd that go? Oh, no! What was your assassination thing of choice? Shouldn't have said that. You wouldn't know it. They haven't seen it in 200 years.

Just some plague. Just some plague. Just a plague. I scooped it out of the European mud. Found a strain.

Pretty much any time they open up an Egyptian tomb, there's some disease that comes out of that that they haven't seen in 5,000 years. I go to different openings and then open them up and then catch whatever it is in a bottle. I go to case openings. Egyptian tomb case. CSGO case openings. Yep, yep. I'm there. I'm there. Can you imagine, too? A legendary...

You open it up and then you just see these dimensions just sliding across until it just eventually lands on the one. And it's like, oh, great. You've got a... What's that one knife called? I don't know what they're called. Karambit? Yeah, you've got a karambit locust swarm. Oh, wow. Karambit fade. A soft, light...

whenever you bust open the case and you're like, oh, is this a legendary? Oh, sweet. Epic frog play. Oh my God, it's a legendary. It's the soul of a little child that has been trampled by horses in 800 BC. Fantastic. You open one up, it's just like a blue light and everyone's like, fuck. You know? Oh,

Holy shit. Oh my God. Yeah. And then all of the, all of the workers that, cause you, you ever noticed how in all of those, in all of those movies, it's always just like, that's a Gretchen soul right there. Yeah.

It's always all of those workers that are clearly like locals in Egypt or something. And then there's that like one fucking white guy that comes in with his sunglasses and his like Hawaiian shirt. And he's like, and he's like work. And he's like just being an asshole to everyone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They always get the short end of the stick. But yeah, I mean, speaking of disease, I mean, I'm a little bit more dangerous though, Schlatt. I mean, I can't speak to say that I have a briefcase full of... Speaking of diseases, let's go back to you, Ted. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Thanks for that. Oh, appreciate that. Literal name after slime is your username? Hey, listen, man. Listen, we're number six for a reason. All right? It's all fun and games here. It's all fun and games. So you're a bit more dangerous now, Ted. I am a bit more dangerous. And one of the really, really cool things that I got to do was there –

Universal invited me to this really, really cool thing, which was it was a showing of the movie Nobody. It was a drive-through showing of it in Universal Studios. Oh, shit. Yeah. And they had... I don't know what this type of event necessarily is for. I think it's for like... Some of it is like journalism and some of it is like...

It might just be press and influencers. I think it's press, influencers, and friends and family. Because they had this, it was a quote-unquote drive-through experience that they had. And I was driving through this Universal thing through the back lot, and they have an entire fucking suburbs.

Like colonial houses, a straight up street, lawns, suburbs. There are suburbs within Universal Studios in the middle of LA. Like a set? It's like a set, but it looks like they're all houses. They're just straight up completely built houses. That's wild. And we were driving through that and you put your...

radio to a certain thing so it plays like music kind of like how you would do a drive-thru but this was for the experience part and they had an entirely choreographed 360 thing like you're sitting in your car and you've got these whole actors that they hired to do this like fight scene that was representative of the movie right before the screening and it was like it was very interesting it was like a theater show but it was for the movie it was really really weird but it was really really cool and

I didn't even know about this part, actually. Oh, yeah. No, I hadn't told you. I don't think I've... Yeah, I forgot to tell you guys about this part. Yeah, no, that was like... It was probably one of the... Definitely the coolest sponsorships I've ever gotten to do because it came with all these things. Oh, hey, thanks for doing this thing for us. Come go to this cool screening thing for the movie. It felt like I was part of the process. I like it when they make an experience. Yeah, it was like... I felt like I was...

It definitely wasn't a fucking Wish sponsorship, that's for sure. Yeah, well, that's the thing. You always get, as a YouTuber, you get these crappy ass... I'm about to sneeze. I'm going to power through. You always get these crappy, crappy sponsorships. Come on. I'm over here doing fucking Raid Shadow Legends, and Ted is going to goddamn movies and shit. I'm jealous. How do you get that? Who do I have to talk to? Whose cock do I have to give a little tickle to? I don't know. I think that...

I think that, I mean, it's tough because I think that because of the style of channel I have, I have a very different style of channel from you guys. That's true. I want them to dress Latenai up like the Raid Shadow Legends characters and have us fight in a cobblestone room. That would be it.

That would be a sponsor worth doing right there. That would be cool. That would be cool. Also, probably the bigger that you guys get, like a lot of those games will just be like, hey, we're going to design a character. Because they didn't Dream get something like that. He got like a character. He got a Dream Dragon. Yeah. In like Age of Dragons or something like that. I know this because I looked at it and I was like, I want like a slime dragon. I remember looking at it. It was like a six-legged. It looked like a monster. It was terrifying. It was terrifying.

Yes, well, I mean, it is a dragon. It looked like it was loosely, tangentially related to Dream. Like, they were making it anyway and put a smiley face on it, but, like, still. It genuinely, like, if you add that Dream face to anything else than what his normal branding is, it looks like a Ghibli movie demon. Ooh, that's true. It does, from fucking Spirited Away. It just, like, has the mask on it. The actual working with Daniel was really, really cool. Daniel. It was...

It was within the 87 North was the production company that did it, but the actual name of that location was 8711 Action Design. And the guy that was recording my footage, Jeremy, he was super, super fun to work with. Jeremy. Jeremy.

And I looked him up on... He's got like this whole laundry list on INDB of all of the shit that he's worked on. He's recording... They got him to just like film my YouTube video for me. And this guy has worked on like... He's been in...

He's been a stunt guy in like Marvel movies. He's like, he's done all this fucking shit. He literally has been working in this industry since like 2008. The dude's got, and the dude's holding the camera for my, and then in, in wanders Theodore, you know? Yeah. Yeah. It was like, yeah, it was weird. Cause it was such an interesting mixture of like them being really not understanding what I do, but being very, very like,

excited about it. And then also me personally, where I come from with my film shit, just feeling totally out of my depth, like just working with them. And they're all like, oh yes, yes. Oh, and if you haven't seen the movie too, when I did the, uh, they gave me like a little,

In the movie, there's this one point where Bob is like... He's trying to get this kitty cat bracelet back from the bad guys. And when I was doing the Universal Experience thing, they gave me a copy of the actual kitty cat bracelet prop. They give that to everyone as they're coming in. Oh, that's cool. That's fun. But either way, I mean...

That was pretty much... Did you get to keep the rubber weapons? I do, yeah. I've got them in the background. Oh, that's fun. That was the one thing. All of the rubber weapons I got to keep. And I was surprised, too. I still have... One of the things that I didn't use was a squib kit. They gave me a squib kit, which is like, you can do the gunshot wound. That's for blood hits and shit. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I have one of those. So like we could use that for a bit at some point. I could just bust that out in some video in the future. You totally should. Nah, that's called not committing here on the Charcoal Sandwich Podcast. Well, Ted, I got a question about this. I got a squib kit. It's called organs. We do it real or we don't do it all.

We earned the truck. I actually have a couple vials that can help with that. I'm worried about, those may be tainted with a, I don't even know what. Come on. Graveyards are like the second most common thing around, I think. So, I mean, if you're not willing to go dig up a, dig up Cheryl. Did you, I'm sorry. Did you just say graveyards are the second most common thing? What the fuck does that even mean?

Everybody dies. Everybody dies. What is the most common thing? Heart disease? I guess maybe heart disease and graveyards are...

connected in that they are the most common thing because one causes the other. What's this list? What's this fucking list of the most common things? I'm just going off of what Charlie's saying about using real blood and stuff. If you're trying to make the movies, you gotta go deep in the brain. It's weird that number three is dead people, right? Like, you'd think it would be...

Or maybe the same. And yet graveyards is still number two. Well, Charlie, you know why it is. They make an extra tombstone. Why? You know why dead people are less more common than graveyards? It's because there are people who buy their grave spots in advance before they die. But then they don't. Oh, no. They use them once they die. They use them. I was like, I didn't understand. I was like, they don't use them? Can you imagine having to rent graves?

How inappropriate to rent out that space. Rent out that space. All for nothing. Imagine that. You lease out grave space. You just like own an entire graveyard. Is that how graveyards work? No, it's not. I mean, you. I don't know. Connor, it's past. Welcome to the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. Finally, a good guest on. Connor's back, everybody. Thank God. Connor, have you ever died? What the fuck? Connor got sent a box of Skittles. Now, hold on.

There's nine of these. We have 24 times nine? Hold on. Jesus Christ. Who's sending you Skittles? Is it Skittles himself? Skittles is! He's just in with Skittles somehow. Well, he's going to get the Connor burger too. I saw Connor on Twitter talking up to Mr. Beast. Don't say that. Thanks, Connor. I don't want to talk about that until there's a slurger.

And that's Connor. And that's Connor. Charlie, you know, I think slurger would probably be the worst name for a burger under your name. Slurger would be mine. Mine would be slurger. Yeah.

There's an emphasis. Yours would be Schlerger. Wow. Schlerger. Yeah. Schlerger. It sounds like you're throwing something up, but it's not. Mine would be the BL Ted. I have very strong opinions on BLTs. I know how to make a good BLT. Ooh.

What's in a good BLT? What were we talking about before Connor came in? Well, what I wanted to say was that I was very jealous of one part in your video in specific that you didn't really talk about that much where you were just in the gym with all the stunt coordinators beating the shit out of each other. That was the part I was most excited about. It looked like there were some parts

where even some of you got thrown around quite a bit of distance into soft objects. I thought that was kind of cool. Yeah, you would really like that gym, Charlie, I think. You know why? I would. That's why I'm jealous. That entire floor that I was on, that blue floor, is bouncy. Is it a spring floor? Yeah, it's like a spring floor. Spring floors are fucking cool. Yeah, it was very cool.

Yeah, you can. Because they can just do falls and shit and you're not going to get hurt. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. But yeah, overall, it was a very, very, very cool experience. It was one of those experiences. And this is a little life lesson for all of you, especially our audio listeners out there. Love you to death.

That I was I was a little bit unsure when I had the option to do it It was like they came out and they were like hey you want to do this because it seemed at first glance You know this I've never done a video like that before and it was very very nerve-racking but one thing that I I kind of had a moment at one point where I wasn't sure and then I realized I was like oh shit This is one of those moments in like life where you have to do something. That's a we were you it were you

Because you're not going to get those experiences in like school or something anymore where you do something that you feel like you're not prepared to do and that you have to

The only way you're going to figure that shit out is if you take these things where you feel a little bit out of your depth. And I would definitely suggest that for all of you out there. If you feel like there's a project you don't know if you should do, just fucking try. What they have you do? I mean, I had to pull together an entire crew and recreate this scene and direct it and contact everyone. Yeah, and you had to do the stunts with everyone and speak with bottom. It was a lot. It was a whole thing. I had to teach the moves to...

Ryan and Hunter and Mr. Sir Spence, which were, they were fucking fantastic too. They learned that shit really fast and they, you know, they don't have any experience with that kind of stuff. So it was really cool that they were willing to do that. And that is such a cool experience. Yeah. No, it was really cool. I agree with you though. I had a moment like that when I was in, when I was still studying in college and

And when I was going to fly out to... The same day I was going to fly out to Dublin to study abroad for a semester, I had Ubisoft want to fly me out to, like, fucking West Virginia for Far Cry 5 or something. See, Schlatt, that's exactly in the zone that I'm thinking would be the equivalent. And there hasn't been much since the pandemic, which is a shame, but, like, drive around on ATVs and, like, all this crazy shit. And I wanted to do it, like, so badly, but it was the same day I left...

for abroad. And I was just trying to figure out what I'd do. And then my stepdad was like, it's fine. You'll probably get opportunities like this again. And then the pandemic happened. I haven't been able to ride in an ATV. Dude, I'm telling you, you're doing the best you've ever done, Charlie. Once the pandemic ends, you'll be able to do all those cool things. They're going to come. I believe you.

You think Ubisoft's going to see my slime-sicle clips online? Ubisoft has some pretty big pockets. The first time that I ever went to PAX East, before I was ever a content creator... Ubisoft and I are pretty...

Was it, was it Ubisoft that did the division? Yes. Yeah. Moses before the division was like literally like in 2013 or something, maybe 2012. No, I think 2013 Moses was, it had just been announced and Moses was like one of the only cause players. This is back when Moses did cause play for the division and they invited most, they gave Moses free tickets to packs and I got one of those tickets and

That's a cool little connection. That's probably the earliest, earliest time that I ever experienced that sort of free influencer kind of stuff. Ubisoft does a lot of that, actually. That's also how I met the Corridor Digital guys. They do a lot more of those events. I wanted to meet those motherfuckers.

Dude, and yeah, I did too, and it was a little awkward, but that was one of the moments where I was glad. Like, I saw them, and I was like, if I don't approach them now, even if I'm weird, at least I approached them. You know what I mean? At least I did it. I have so much respect for those guys. They are so cool. They are so talented, and they wear so many hats in what they do, and they're just...

I could not do what they do. And that is something that, to me, when I... I don't know. That means a lot. Yeah. No, it was very cool. Schlatt, what was the biggest thing? I mean, so you've only done the Raid Shadow Legends? Yeah, I have not taken any crazy ad deals. Which is why when you... I mean, we had that conversation with Gus Johnson back in his episode, and he was talking about the...

The relationship between Hollywood, this kind of old media, and this new YouTube influencer culture kind of thing. And I'm just wondering, like, I mean, you met all these crazy people who are all old media. How did they treat you? Would you say they respected the influencer life of Ted Nivison? Yeah, actually. They were, well...

Pretty much the only people that I had like truly met was, um, was Daniel and all the guys that worked at 87 11 and they were all super, super like cool, helpful, nice,

they were just treating it like it was any other job. They were just very, very friendly. I think people in the film industry in general, from my experience and from the sets that I've been on, as long as you're working hard and you're not a fuck-ass, a lot of times on sets, everyone's in the shit together. Whatever the case, these guys were very, very friendly and it was cool. But I do agree that I think that

Universal has never done anything like this before. So I was trying to... In me going out of the way to make it like use as much of my film shit as possible, I was also kind of trying to make sure that Universal was like... Let's do it again. Let's do it again. Not necessarily for me, but just for YouTubers in general. Like that's a really cool thing that I hope that they keep doing because I saw...

so, and, and I wouldn't have ever accepted a brand deal of that size if I didn't truly believe that this was like one of the coolest things that I could, I could do for a, like an entirely sponsored video. I've never done a fully integrated video like that before, but like, that's so cool. And that's like such a thing that interests me that it's not, it's not even a, it was, it was not a cop out at all. It wasn't like, Oh, Hey, watch this movie. I don't care about the movie was good. It's like, so it was like, I had no reason not to, but, um,

Well, I forget what I was saying. I don't know. Dedicated videos are weird. It's one of those things where I've done quite a few over on Slumpkicle, and I always play the game for 30 minutes or an hour first to make sure it's something that I... I don't know. You always want to make the good content first, right? Yeah. If this is conducive to doing that, sure. And you had... This opportunity is...

Something I actually, I think you'd regret if you passed up. Like, I'm very glad you did. So the one thing that I noticed about being in the comments was that people were saying that, oh, hey, I saw this movie being advertised to me and I wouldn't have normally seen it. But now that you've worked with a YouTuber and Universal was cool enough to do something with a YouTuber, something that relates to me more of shit that I like to watch. Yeah, I'll check out this movie. It actually seems interesting because they, and they honestly had a really cool,

concept of how they would like turn that into a video originally it was the the original idea was it was going to be like a challenge between william osman and i but that didn't really make too much sense because we're both doing separate videos um and so there wasn't really i feel like if there was a challenge between the two of us it had to be one video so it was like we we both kind of decided just hey we're going to do our own kind of journey on our own but either way i mean it was it was very cool and i think that universal will definitely got a lot of um

respect points from the online world for doing something like that which is cool and maybe that's why they did it or maybe universal like all corporations has a heart guy come on

Mickey Mouse is a real boy. When Walt Disney founded this company, he wanted to spread love to everybody. And he loved everybody. And he loved you. Disney is a person. Disney is a person and we should treat them as such. And I am going to rent gravestone space.

and lease it to people for a monthly fee when they die. Transnational multimedia conglomerates...

are people isn't that a like uh wasn't that a moment in some show or some dystopian i think that's a moment in real life yeah it is like legally oh yeah let's be considered as people i feel like this happened i don't want to slip on my words here considered a person i remember some political old fucking political cartoon about this maybe it was like lobbying or something but like a big oil baron in the back i don't know if anyone fucking knows what i'm talking about

- Something, maybe an oil baron. - Dude, I would-- - You know, Schlatt, you know, Schlatt, if you were born in another age, you would definitely be the poster child for an oil baron. - Yeah. - I would be an oil baron. - You think about that? - Yeah, I would. I would be an oil baron, you know? - Can we hear what that sounds like? - Ha ha! So you want to buy five stock in my company?

You want to invest in my railroad? No, I don't. My family is just starving. Well, maybe if you work a little harder.

You'll be able to afford some more food at my company store. I just want a drop of water and all you give me is this black oil. You're closed into my walled garden. My lungs are dark. You are closed into my walled garden. My lungs are dark. Your lungs don't work. You will buy my Snickers bars for five times the market value. I hope.

Please, I just want benefits and all you give me is just more oil. No, you don't get benefits. And sin. Schlatt wakes up in the morning and he says, seems like a wonderful day for some good old fashioned union busting.

Oh, God. So, yeah, I mean, I did the Universal trip and then I got drunk in Vegas. It was great. Five dollars a day? No fucking way! For only eight hours of work?

I don't think so. If you're not working for 24 hours, then you're not working hard enough at all. $5 a wage. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Perhaps that is a wage for children. Oh, great idea. If the poor can't afford not to inhale fumes, then do they really have the right to breathe? Perhaps you should invest in better lungs.

Have you ever guys read the book or seen the movie Repo Men? No. No. Repo Men is this world in which there's a company that has created artificial lungs.

And I think you can kind of tell where this is going. They're really expensive. And if you can't pay for the lungs or the liver or the heart, artificial heart, they will come and they will repossess their property from you. Because imagine this. You're buying a heart or you need a replacement heart. And they offer it. And it's like $150,000. Yeah, I think you're talking about Nestle right now. Nestle.

Nestle is definitely one of the worst companies that exists in the world. They're on the fast track to just being what you just described. I mean, let's be honest. I agree. Well, honestly, I'd go as far to say that Amazon is heading that route real quick. Don't you think? I mean, they've got the fucking stores. They've got the...

The ease of accessibility for this artificial heart I need to survive is just so good. Amazon organs? Amazon organs. Yeah, Amazon just out-competes everyone in the industry. It's a problem. Amazon health. It's a problem.

Hey guys, listen, if you're watching this, if you're listening to this and for whatever reason, uh, this is an issue that's kind of close to me now. For whatever reason. All right. You like to read and you listen to the chuckle sandwich podcast, buy your books from like Barnes and Noble or something or a local bookstore. Don't buy it from Amazon because Amazon's monopolizing book market next. That's what's coming up.

So watch, uh, support your local fucking stores. Buy local folks. The world is coming to an end. It's all crashing down around us and we're here. Don't have kids. Uh, cause they'll just die. So speaking of which, but by the way, before we move on to the other topic we have today, uh,

The 2020 census came out and the population growth went down by 2% in this decade. Let's go! Let's go! Nobody 2% less babies. Finally! That's what I'm talking about. Finally, let it all curve off and let us sink back into the primordial sludge so we can fucking try again in 3 million years.

Oh, the sun's going to blow up. That's what I think here on the Chuckle Sandwich number six comedy podcast. Return to the sludge. Number six. Why not number one? Return to the sludge. Return to the sludge. Indeed. Listen to us on audio, by the way, folks. If you've got the chance, get us some downloads on audio. All right. Artificially pump that shit up. So we're just so. Stream Chuckle Sandwich. We would make so much more money. Stream us.

- Yes, we need you guys to scam for us, all right? We're trying to scam our way to the top. That's a lie if you don't know us listening to this podcast. - Hold on, before we go any further, please allow us to fulfill a contractual obligation. Ted, I got a problem, man. I got a problem. - What's going on, Schlatt? What's going on? - I sleep on a twin mattress on the fucking floor.

On the floor, Ted. And I've been sleeping on it since February when I moved into this new place. And you know what? I needed a change. I needed a change. How am I going to sleep comfortably without a foundation, without a nice mattress, without a $100 mattress I found on Amazon? How are you going to make money if you're sleeping is terrible?

I'll tell you. So thank you to the sponsor of today's episode of the Choco Sandwich Podcast, Helix Sleep. Everybody's unique and Helix knows that. So they have several different mattress models to choose from. They've got soft. They've got medium. They've got firm mattresses. Mattresses that are great for cooling you down if you sleep hot.

And great for warming you up if you sleep cold. Do you sleep cold? No, I sleep very hot. Oh, yeah. Nice. And even Helix Plus mattress for plus-size sleepers. Why would you buy a mattress for someone else? Helix has a quiz on their site that you can take, and it'll tell you exactly the right mattress for you. I took the quiz, and I arrived at the Midnight Luxe. It is right in between the firm and the soft.

Vlad actually has this mattress. This is what he sleeps on now. It's from Helix Sleep. I sleep on the Helix now. They sent me the foundation, the mattress, a bed frame. Oh.

So if you're looking for a mattress, you take the quiz, you order the mattress that you're matched to, and the mattress comes right to your door, shipped for free. You don't even have to go to the mattress store ever again. Helix was actually awarded the best mattress overall by GQ and Wired. So if you want one of these bad boys, you can go on down to helixsleep.com slash chuckle.

For the best sleep of your life. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash chuckle. That's helixsleep.com slash chuckle for $200 off and two free pillows. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring today's episode. Now back to the show. Guys, I got two really cute guinea pigs and I need a segue. Can someone give me a segue?

Charlie, you got really two cute guinea pigs. I did. Do you want to see them? Yeah. All right, I'll go get them. This is what we do.

Fucking hate guinea pigs. I fucking hate guinea pigs. Just a heads up. I don't know why he's doing this. What? Just a heads up. I've got, it's two guinea pigs. They're both girls, of course. Mochi and Fern. That sounds cool. Fern is a little new, so I'm not going to try and bring her down, but Mochi likes when I hold her, so I'm going to see if I can get her down here.

We'll see what happens. Okay, you guys don't talk about anything too funny while I'm gone, okay? Don't get too funny here. We don't do that without you. You're the meat of the sandwich, Charlie. We would never. You're talking to mayonnaise between two butt ends of bread right now. You're not about to make this show go vegan, all right? No, no. You're not about to do that. No.

Go up and get your little pet and we'll see you in a minute. If not, something's gone horribly wrong. It's a possibility. See you in a bit. Fucking hate guinea pigs. What rats. The only real advantage to having a guinea pig is if you can teach it to kill. That's really applicable to any pet. And can you really teach a guinea pig to kill? I mean... You hear that? You hear that, Mochi? There's a bunch of motherfuckers on this show saying some shit about you. Saying some shit about you. Look at her. Oh.

Aww. I can't see her. You can't even see her. Very cute. Wow. If you guys could see her right now, you would be in disbelief. I'm going to try and give her some lettuce. I'm sure I would not be able to believe. Oh, yeah. She's so gentle. It's crazy.

So are you going to train this thing to like kill? This thing to kill? You already know how, right, Mochi? Look at that. You said kill and I felt her bloodlust spike a little. Yeah? It's not good? Yeah, here, I've got some lettuce for you. It's okay. I have a question, Charlie. How are you going to prevent the terrible accidental death that most guinea pigs and hamsters are condemned to? Why would you say this?

Like, well, I just think that most small animals like that, everybody has this fucking story where at least one of them was like,

I don't know, like, their head was... Like, a bucket was on the ground, and their head... They were partially under the bucket. And then they're, you know, like, you come and sit down on the bucket, and then the fucking guinea pig, like, gets crushed in between the lid of the bucket, and the eyes pop out of the fucking head. And, like, that's just how it happens. That's how most of them die. Like, some crazy shit like that. You're wonderful, Mochi. You fucking...

How are you going to protect it? I very much so hear often about hamsters just like throwing themselves out of shit. It's okay, Mochi. Yeah. It's a comedy podcast, Mochi. It's a comedy podcast. The sixth most popular one. Yeah. Mochi can't understand English, though, Charlie. Keep going. Keep going and it's going to turn into a true crime podcast. Isn't that right? Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. She's so fucking cute. I'm really enjoying Charlie's...

What would you call this? A baby voice, I suppose? Yeah. That you're using with the guinea pig? I want Charlie to talk to me like this. Hey, little... Hey, little... Hey, little...

I'm using this voice because they get calmer if you use a voice like this. Oh, really? If you are watching this video version right now, which you should watch the audio or listen to the audio too, but she is just fucking up this lettuce like there is no tomorrow. Wait, wait. Bring it up to the microphone so our audio listeners love you to death. Yeah, I'm bringing Jambo up to the microphone right now. Let me see if he's in the mood to talk. Let's see if Mochi is okay with that. You ready, bud?

This is your time. I have the sixth most popular podcast. Comedy podcast. He's so tired. We're number 29 on the USA. He is so tired. You are so tired right now, aren't you? All right, get the animals out of here. Get the animals out of here. He's just a tired guy. It's okay to be tired. Enough visual bits. I'm tired. I'm tired of Ted Nivison. I'm so tired of Ted running this podcast with him. Shut the fuck up, Ted. One day it'll just be you and me. You and me, Jambo, until the end of time. I'm going to boost this audio of Mochi just eating lettuce into the mic.

You hear that? We were on such a roll. This is the best the show has ever been. You, you, video, you guys are gonna... Ted doesn't have a pet because he's lonely and lame. Come on, give us a meow. Give me a meow, Jambo.

I didn't buy you to be silent. Don't you want to give them a little noise? Hey, that's my... You want to meow? You want to woof? We should move into a normal topic now. Do you want to woof for the microphone?

You want to give them a little sniff? You want to sniff the audio listeners? You want to give it a little sniff? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer? Sniffer

I still have Mochi. Keep going the topic because she is not going to leave until she has devoured all this lettuce. Okay. Well, Ted, you went gambling. Tell me about that. I went gambling. I did a trip.

I did a trip to Vegas very recently. I'd never gone to Vegas before. It was definitely an interesting experience, to say the least, but I did gamble for the first time. I've never gambled before. 23, I've been able to gamble for two years. What did you gamble on? So, I'm a bit embarrassed to say this, but I... Don't say slots. Don't say slots. Don't say slots.

I took out a couple... Don't say slots. I did slots. Oh, he did slots! I did slots because I wanted to try it because it was like... It's the closest thing to what I understand, too, being like doing arcade shit, you know? Yeah, that makes sense. But I ended up losing like 220 bucks on slots.

Yeah, you know. That's what happens when you get... That's generally what happens. Well, I called Schlatt one day because I needed him to upload the podcast for the Minx episode, and he was telling me, like, Ted, you do realize that 90% of the casino's profits...

come from slot machines. And I didn't realize that. But given that statistic, I would have avoided them entirely. But I didn't actually end up getting into anything else besides that. So when you and me go slat, you're going to have to show me how to do roulette and shit like that. Oh, well, roulette is easy. They spin a wheel and drop a ball. And then if you pick the right color, you get double. And if you pick the wrong color...

Yeah. Yeah, I know. You drop the ball all the time. You drop the ball all the fucking time. We all do. We all do. She's looking like she's about to take a little bit of a gamble right now, so I'm going to put her back. All right. It's okay. But yeah, dude. The one thing that was when I was – the person I was with when we were driving to Vegas –

Something about, I guess it's because from LA to Vegas, there's just one fucking highway the whole way. It took us, it's supposed to be normally with no traffic. It's like a fucking four hour drive or something like that. It took us like six or seven hours to get there because there was this like hour. If you ever look at Google maps, there was like this hour and a half delay to get to

Las Vegas. So that what we ended up trying to do was we were looking on Waze, we were looking on all these other shit to find and see if there was some sort of other road we could take through this fucking desert to get to Las Vegas. And we found that there was this option between going right up

the highway merging off onto something, another smaller route or to continue on where we were going. And at the last second in the last maybe 30 seconds before I was turning Google suddenly updated and cut off like an hour and a half. Oh, and, and we made our first gamble of the entire trip where we chose to go with the Google way, which ended up being even more chaos because then we get off and it takes us onto a dirt road. And, Oh,

Turns out a lot of other people are using Google Maps. So there's traffic on the dirt road traffic.

And like, imagine, imagine like the most, like a lot of the houses and property out there is just in the middle of nowhere, a lot of sand and everything. And we're on this like dirt road next to the highway. And then I see people start turning onto the extra other roads and I'm in my truck. So I'm like, well, fine. So we're taking another additional route. And I'm basically driving over sand at this point with all these other cars and

And then we eventually returned to where the highway was.

return onto the highway is the the that zone but everyone who is trying to avoid that traffic is also trying to get onto this on-ramp so you've got people driving over like just making their own roads if you can imagine the worst driving conditions and the most assholes on the road they all were just in this place i'd imagine i'd call that place new york city but i mean no but you know this might be this might be the second most common place imagine normal traffic

if you're on normal traffic on a highway and you see, you see that one guy that like pulls out into the breakdown lane and goes around, you know, and

You don't see that often. Imagine everyone is doing that and they're all trying to cut each other off with zero shame whatsoever because everyone's just sitting in the hot sun. And I didn't get my truck fixed, by the way, so the air conditioning doesn't really work. But it ended up being a good trip. I mean, we stayed at the Bellagio. Yeah, you lost $200. We saw the fountains. It was a good trip. I would definitely like to...

to do that with some other folks. Ted, favorite part, Ted. What was your favorite part? The most interesting part was that people just straight up smoke in the casinos. People were walking around just smoking cigars. Oh, really? Yeah. There was like an entire... In this casino, in this... There was no smoke zones. The entire casino was a smoke zone. Damn.

That sounds bad. I would see... There was definitely... I probably got, like, maybe, like, a 1% secondhand smoke from, like... I probably smoked, like, what would be worth, like, a couple cigarettes that weekend. Holy shit, man. But I saw this one lady who was, like... She was sitting in a slot machine. She's got a fucking glass of whiskey in one hand and then, like, a Cuban in the other. And that's why they allow it. And she's got, like...

She's got like $500 in the slot machine that she's gambling. And she's just tapping the thing to keep rolling over and over again. And then we saw them later. And they were like $20 left. And they lose it all. It's always, you know how it is. The house always wins. The house always wins. Where do you guys think the sponsor money goes? Where do you think it goes? We were talking about it earlier.

It goes to the house. It goes to the house. It always comes back to the house. I say only, but that is just because I had already in my mind sort of set apart a certain amount of money I was willing to gamble for this weekend. I was like, maybe it was like $300. I was like, okay, I'm going to put $300 towards gambling. I'm not going to go over that because I don't want a fucking gambling addiction. So...

I ended up using like 220 of that on the slots and then I just, I didn't use the extra 80 and then it was like, you know, it didn't seem like, but I definitely do. I think, you know, it was mostly, we met, we mostly went for the, for the like rent. There's a lot of cool restaurants and stuff and, and,

There's a lot more experiences in Vegas these days, I think, than there was back in the 50s when it was like the gambling zone. Because it's more like a... There's a lot of family resort shit, you know? I agree. I agree. I think the whole family should learn to take risks. And Charlie...

We got to get the kids started early. I completely agree. This is one thing maybe, Charlie. Well, actually, you don't even drink, so this wouldn't even be an advantage for you. But there was a Taco Bell cantina, and they were selling alcoholic Baja Blasts in these giant swirly cups. Jesus Christ. That is a whole mixture of cultures. Whole mixture of cultures, whole mixture of problems right there.

But overall, very cool experiences all around coming from the Ted Town. I'm jealous, man. Did you say why you chose Vegas? I just had never been to Vegas before, really. In my 2016 road trip with Tucker, we had stopped in Vegas just to get a bumper sticker, but I'd never been in a circumstance where I was old enough or financially ready to go to Vegas. And this is the first time ever that I have money in my life, really, that I have money that I could just throw.

And it's crazy. You can make more money there. That is true. And it feels so good. And you shouldn't stop. Okay, so I'm sort of lost here, Charlie. Are you saying that I should... Charlie, are you a gambler? I just think it's crazy. Have you seen Kakeguri?

Are you ready to throw that one gamble? Is it an anime? That's the gambling anime. Oh my god, an anime? You know, Schlatt's big into anime. Schlatt's a huge anime. Schlatt's so big into anime. And he's a compulsive gambler as well. And he's ready to throw it all on the line for one big gamble. He's serious addictions to gambling and anime.

But yeah, that's pretty much all I've got to talk about today. I mean... Well, I... I got my two topics. You guys got anything else you want to talk about? Hey, I ran out of lettuce for Mochi. I don't think there's much else to discuss. Really? Yeah. But she's up there rolling the dice now because of you, Ted. Fucking terrible influence. I'm going to go gambling. We're all going to go gambling. We're all going to go together. Yeah. Charlie, would you go to Vegas? You know...

I've never had the desire to, but I guess just to have the experience. I mean, there's like nothing in there I'd particularly like, right? Like I wouldn't go to Vegas. So here's what I will say. But why not? Even if you don't necessarily like to gamble yourself, it is very fun to watch people gamble too.

That is something that you can like witness and like enjoy because you – especially when you're with your friends because you can kind of enjoy what you see. Yeah, I would go with some friends and bring – and be prepared to basically spend $200 for the entertainment. The entertainment being me losing $200 to gambling. So that is what I would expect. It's really fun to go out to the dinners and stuff like this. One dinner we went to, it was like this place called –

bizarre meat but not like bizarre meat like bizarre meat right and what we did was we had this it was probably it was a very it was a very expensive dinner but it was like it was cool because it was one of those experienced dinners that you do where they bring out every little little pieces of everything yeah you know

And that's those kind of experiences, I think, make it worth the money spent because it's like you don't really get that anywhere else. But, you know, that's that's why I as good as good as that sounds, as good as that sounds, Ted, as good as it sounds to have all those little tapas and

It doesn't come close. It doesn't come close to the chuckle sandwich. Sandwich. Oh, you already knew it was coming. You already knew it was coming. Yes, that's very true. We did it. We did it. Well, thank you guys so much for listening to this episode of the Chuckle Sandwich Podcast. Audio listeners, love you to death. Video listeners, you're all right. This has been us talking, chatting. This has been us. Goodbye.

Catch you next week, folks. Oh, God. Hopefully not. Bye-bye.