The Secret To Becoming More Interesting
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Coming up, i'm going to reveal a connection hack that will make the intercept the extrovert. All of us really good at making great connections in in the death of a well fargo employee and how daring IT is for where we are in the world of world.

Here to help you win at work. This is the show. All right? Let's get right to IT and you introverts out there. This is actually going to be super helpful for you and you. You're already really good at this hack, but we're going to clarify IT maybe for some of you introverts, introduce IT in the way you've never thought of before, but you're actually really good at doing that.

And then for you extravert who love to connect and you want to be Better at IT and this this reveal a blind spot for me as well, and I think it's gonna you as well. So let's get right to this. This is coming from some stanford hot shot by the name of a raham election at stand for graduate school of business.

And um he's is quoted in this article here by cnbc um that the idea of making a Better connection with people through small talk for a lot of people is exhAusting. The idea of small talk for even some extroverts, certainly introverts, the idea of the well, it's just small talk. It's not like this deep dive conversation.

I just kind of am here uh or maybe small talk in the former. Before we get into the deeper conversation, there's got to be that that initial dance. So however you use small talk for a lot of people, IT is a labor IT is IT is difficult and and so uh and yet IT is a game changer.

If you leverage at the opportunity in this moment of small talk, if you leverage well, IT can be an absolute game changer. So um and and here's how here's how that works and there's a phrase that that uh abrams uh missions and and and I have a version of this that I use but but little set this up. A small talk is not this trivial thing that you just have to endure.

IT ultimately is a way to kind of unlock people as a result, unlock opportunities. And it's it's a moment to discover shared interest and values is the way that abrams puts this and allows us to have a much Better connection. Now a survey conducted by introvert in business revealed that seventy four percent of introverts don't like small talk, and twenty three percent of the introverts don't enjoy IT.

A twenty twenty two prey survey found that seventy one percent of americans prefer silence to small talk and that sports and her events are topics they dread most. So this is fascinating. So it's important in reason I bring up this data is if you fall in that category, whether you're the introvert who doesn't enjoy IT or even the extra dos enjoy IT.

But you look at seventy one percent of americans prefer silence to small talk. So why is that? And I think part of the answer is revealed in the other piece of of analysis that sports and knights are topics they read most.

So I thought about that to what's benee's. That is in security. IT is fear of conflict. So if if of sports topic is of dread to somebody, think in small talk.

I can tell you right now, they're not me, bob, because I talk sports with anybody, anytime, anywhere like you. Even if I were to go to new zealand, they shall talking about rugby. I'm in, I know know much about rugby.

I've watched maybe three matches is my whole life. But alex, if somebody started talking me about rugby, I promise you i'm in right. So but but understand in this, I don't have an insecurity talking about sports because I like sports and care about sports.

But alex, my earthly producer, is probably in the seventy one percent of americans that small talk about sports and curtain vents or topics you dread most. Is that fair? Very fair.

Very fair. And I would say not picking on alex because alex is in the majority. I'm in the minority.

So i'm making a point here not at his expense. There's a little bit of insecurity because I don't know much about IT and I don't enjoy IT. So we take insecurity and enjoyment, and I don't want to talk about that.

okay. The second thing is, is the fear of conflict. All right, now I want to flip IT. I said I talk sports with anybody, anywhere, at any time. This might surprise some of the people in the booth, but I matter a place now where I won't talk current events with just anybody, anywhere, anytime. Yeah, bob, bob is like, wow.

Let me tell you why the public discourse around her events, and i'm talking about politics and cultural issues, the the public discourse has changed so dramatically in amErica that i'm not interested in getting into a back and forth with somebody who can actually have a healthy conversation. But why do you think what you think? But if everybody wants to take shots and accuse and accuse and accused, and by the way, this is happening because i'm a public figure now and I made a comment recently about the national debt.

And on the ramsey show, I didn't take a party position and I got some absolute freak just stocking me on instagram right now, making accusations about what I believe, who I vote for. Guy has no idea who I vote for, no clue his accusations are wrong. But he telling me is that my point is, like, i'm not interested in that small talk.

I'm not interested in that right now. Now i've made my point, but that those are the reasons there are some insecurity, there is some a lack of interest. And then there's this I don't want to be in conflict right now.

Let's flip that because what is that small talk isn't about those kind of topics, sports or current events or whatever. What if we flip IT and we make IT about the person we're talking to? What if we flip IT? I don't have to lead with idea room for a sport team, right? You like talk politics.

And what if we just make IT about them? And here's what IT does. This is, again, for maybe ms, when we use this magical phrase that i'm going to reveal right now, he says it's tell me more.

But before we get to the tell me more, we've got to start with a, hey, so what are you? What do you spend your time on? What are you do for a living? So so I love, I love met abm s suggestion.

I've say, tell me more, but but I want to get in front of IT. And and I I, I bragged on my son, my older son recently may have bit on this show, but he did. We just drop him off to chicago for college.

And I texted two or three days later, check in in, what do you enjoy the most? He said, meet new people and IT and IT trigger in me a memory of of of our oldest anti, who is just really gifted at meeting new people. And i've watched him do IT, and he always leads with a question about them.

And we all get this. This is not some ninja technique is using that nobody knows, but he's just really, really good at IT on the front. And you've gotta ask him about them.

And then when they began to tell you about them, you follow up with, tell me more this phrase, tell me more, and here's what IT does. Tell me more is a support response. IT supports what the other person is saying. The opposite is a shift response in other word.

And i've been guilty of this many, many times, and I just call themselves because they going to be helpful for all of us when someone's telling you something about themselves and you say to them, tell me more you are supporting them, but many times someone will tell them about this and in our desire. And i'm an extrovert and a and i'm a guy who likes to connect and find commonality. But what I will do sometimes is jump into soon.

And so let's i'm asking pab something and he's telling me about something he's doing a hobby and instead of me saying and tell me more, I got we know I tried that once and I just made IT about me. And so I shifted all the focus of bob under me, and that's where we can lose opportunity for meaningful connection. This is really huge.

So by giving a person the space to speak and inviting them to share more, by, say, tell me more, unite, taking the ball from them, but hanging the ball back, if you will, tell me more, then what happens is a deeper connection, a much deeper connection. Fascinating study here. And then we're going to apply this practically to connecting to win.

According to time magazine. And a study by toronto graduate named Gillian sensor, IT was found that when people did a week gavericks unt, in which their sole purpose was to find approach and talk to strangers, they grew more optimistic and confident about their conversational skills every day. Here's my point by using the phrase tell me more by asking people about them in your connections, the actual result is you're going to get Better at conversation, which means Better at connection, and you're going to have more confidence to keep doing IT.

And the more you are connecting genuinely connect with people, the more opportunities are going to come your way. You connect, connect, connect for opportunity after opportunity, after opportunity. That's the formal.

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Welcome back to the kin command show. If you're enjoying the show, help us out. If you listen to us, be your favor podcast have give us a follow a five star review and share.

If you're watching me a youtube, give us the films up on the video you're watching, subscribe and share, all right. Full warning here. This is about to get pretty heavy, but I think it's important. I am late to the game on this, but this is A A story that Kelly, the associate producer, made me aware of.

I had not seen this for some reason but just a little over well right around a month ago few weeks ago um a story hit about a lady by the name of denis who worked for wells farr go in tempe, arizona and the date was friday after sixteen SHE went in, scanned in they they have record of her fab scanning in when there is no record for scanning out the reason there's no record of denne scanning out is because he died at a desk at some point after scanning in on friday, August the sixteenth here her body was not found until the following tuesday. So presumably SHE died on friday. He was not going to stay the night.

So if he died on friday and we can presume that he did, they did not find her body until saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday, three, three and a half days later that is. Obviously sad, but IT is greater than sad. IT is pathetically awful.

The lady goes into an office, a well's fargo office. And i'm not in anyway trying to cast expressions on wells fargo. This is the story, and IT is what IT is.

He goes into the office and I know we live in a day and age where where you've got hybrid workers ah so some people and some people are not. But unless he was in a remote office in the basement and even then, it's not okay. How do you go three days dead before someone discovers you? In a so sad situation, I don't know what what's going on relationship, I don't know anything about this.

The story doesn't share any details, least the story I am looking at. I don't know who he left behind. How come they didn't hear from? And three days.

And I think but but point is, is that if you're in an office and you die and IT takes people three minutes to discover you that a problem. Thirty minutes, borderline crazy. Three hours, absurd. But three days. Well, obviously the story caught a lot of attention, didn't catch mine for whatever reason, but I think is be a much bigger story.

What is going on in corporate culture when a person is so invisible that they can be dead for three days? I I just wonder, I just, I I can help but wonder what happened? Who found her? Well, not even the genitals.

What is happening? The isolation. And this real life example is absolutely stunning. stunning. Sixty years old until there's a lot things I want to cover here. First, life is very short, is very precious sixties Young, none of us know what tomorrow brings. None of me, nobody does so I don't want to create a single or walk around steering death in the face all the time.

Um but I but I do think the issue is if you are working in a place where you are so isolated that you can be dead for three days, somebody finds you. You should probably make a massive change in your worklife because you are spending a third of your life at work. Most of us.

And the idea that you are disconnected emotionally, mentally and relationship from people to the point that you're not even noticed that you're dead. And again, this is this has to be an extreme situation. There has to be some type of circumstances to where this would happen.

I have to believe that. But here's the reality. I could very well be wrong. This might be a Normal thing where people are going to the office and there are on floor number three.

And the only other people are floor number three on the other side of IT. And they don't see each other, and they come in, they clock in, they do their work, they leave and nobody knows. You mean, just think about what kind of communications SHE would Normally have on a Normal day, emails, a slack, a text, a phone call? I don't know, but IT is unbelievable to me.

And and I I just I don't want to process how this happens in american workplace. It's tragic. So I think there's a wake up call for leaders.

This should never happen. You don't get an email or Normal correspondence from sweet denies for a day. Maybe you don't think about IT, but is he on vacation?

You should know if you're heard leader and income. Monday didn't get communication for couple hours. 嗯， maybe something is up, but we go till tuesday.

This is a stunning, stunning commentary on the disconnected relationship that leaders have with the people who work for them. They are not units of production. But yet, poor denese was nothing more than a unit of production.

Now let me flip this leaders. You ought to know Better. You ought to have much Better communication. So that never happened.

But for those of you who are now working ago, am I like denis? Or if I didn't come in, anybody would notice? I mean, they might notice, but what they care, how much is my leader actually check in with me to know what's going on in my world?

If I allowed myself to become isolated, you know, was her situation, because he chose that situation, maybe go work from home. He wanted to come in the office. No one was on that floor.

I don't know, but I tell this. What I do know is we humans are made to relate. The report of relationship is relate.

And we need to relate. We need to have physical proxim. I around people, even, even the greatest remote workers, need some rithmetic of relationship. And so I heard this story, and I merely wanted to talk about IT, because I think this is an extreme example, but I think there are so many warning signs in this example that i've talked to, world and psychiatry, psychologists, you can be absolutely surrounded by people and be devastating ly alone.

And I think the bigger issue is the loneliness epidemic in america, period, the loneliness epidemic at work, this idea that people can come and go and not truly be seen, not truly be heard. And this is such an extreme example. But IT is a wake up call and a warning for those of us to say, we were created to work, and we were created to relate.

And in our work we must be relating. We must be surrounded by relationships. We must have real relationships.

We must have a relationship with our leader on summer level to where they know about us, enough to care about us. And we don't die and get discovered three days later. This is so horrifically sad.

Don't let this happen. You, because in this case, he died physically. Some of you've died a long time ago. Make the change. Make the change. Life is too sure it's too beautiful to have this alternative to die a cube, but nobody know that you even did.

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right? Let's go to friend. He's join us on the line now in columbus, ohio for a coaching session. Our friend, what's the story?

I'm gonna help today. good. I have A A red door installing company. Get about five .

teen members here. And hey, fred, hey fred, could you just your phone because this sounds like you in a wind tunnel?

Okay, maybe my office.

I can. That's no. Whatever you just did is Better. I can hear your voice clearly.

OK. Fantastic way to .

stand up for great, great form, right?

So there's this local eighteen year old boy and he's working for a job um I hear him previously like me about fourteen years old. He grew up and kind of a rough homelife is bad was the present didn't have any father figure in his life um he got four years he was out of the area um got this some trouble, was in juvenile attention for a while and night back in the area is looking for job. So basically get out of the system, twenty eighteen years old, get out the system. And i'm wondering if it's if it's wise to hire him and take them on and teach him how to work, if if it's worth the disruption to the rest of my guys, the rest of the company for something like that.

What you think the disruption would a mild, medium and large IT would be fairly large.

I mean, we're not a big company. So I would probably have been working with a different crude leader every few day.

And what was the business again?

Because you broke up when we started. I couldn't here.

O and so he would be so he would be described what he would be doing in your mind.

So he would probably be going out with the crude leaders installing indoors, like assembling, put the skirts in the handy and um kind of be out on the the outside working there.

okay. And so he would just be doing labor work, someone telling what to do and he's .

doing IT that's good.

And and what would that disruption look like?

So he he's hye, he struggles to stick to the job. So he would be constantly like he getting back to the job, making juries do in this thing, making juries day office from making cheries not just run around something to the customer chain. Hope bunch of stuff is not opposed to um but actually speak to.

Have you seen him do any of this or you just knowing well enough that you're projecting this as a possibility?

Some of both when he was fourteen years old I had been doing long care like more than the art here at the shop OK um and he he was like that um he grown up some but this is personally when I was had him for the um he seemed like people still .

some like did do someone on and and so sounds like .

you got a good relationship with him um I was I don't know him very well like you've been gone for four years so I I know him somewhat and I know my life and stuff .

so you just recently interviewed him for this job .

that's that's correct earlier this year。

And did you tell him beyond the job description? Did you tell him your heart for him in your own way about what you wanted to do and why I didn't .

get into that? And .

yeah, what what was his reaction to the interview as you want the job did you discuss? What would you take on on just for yeah.

he he wants a job and he he text me check in to see if i've got any update if I got a job offer. He wants to work. He wants to work and save up money. So when years old, he can eyes so, so let's .

review you why. And I want you to say that again. But I want you to, I want you to, I want you to to use one sentence if you can. And I don't care how that sounds, but I want you to say, at the the deepest, deepest part of your heart, why do you want to to hire this kid?

I think he's at the stage in life where if he doesn't get on the right right, he could he could go down the path really quickly. Um I feel like border line, I would be not just um isn't correctly, I would I would be giving him an opportunity in a chance that otherwise he will not great.

And and do you believe he's had any kind of fatherly help at all to have some just basic work ethic issues? And do you think he just he's had any of that before?

Well, I think you .

should have. I think you should have. And i'll tell you why OK. I think you should hire him because I think there's a proof in your heart. And I I think it's really clear and I think it's really good. No, the reason I asked you to say that to me is that's what I assume I was gna get from you. You have to almost write that down .

o and almost .

look at IT once a day in in the early days of him, maybe doing some things at her. Not good. You gotta remember you why? And I would also tell you, it's probably a good idea to bring.

And you said it's a small company. I personally would do this. I'm not telling you, you have to do IT this is what I would do OK.

I would write out my way, the heart behind why you, anna, hire this kid because I would, I would change the word from higher to help. And if you look at IT, as i'm helping this kid versus hiring this kid, I think it's a very different mindset. And I also believe this is a short term play.

Anyway, even if he worked for two to three years to help get him set up to go to a cl, you're onna have an investment, this kid, for the rest of his life. I think this is big time stuff, man. And and I applaud you, but I think you can have to mentally remind yourself. So I would, I write IT down on paper, and i'd put IT somewhere. I can see IT putting down my why and why am i'm hiring this kid number two, I would get the um rest of the team in and I would tell him and i'd say, guys, let me just tell you what what i'm about to do because I want your help .

okay .

um this is not a charity thing. This is a conviction thing. I've got a connection of this kid.

I believe i've got to do thing in my power to help. Let me tell you what that is. I'm gona hire. I'm going to be personally responsible for him.

He may be out on jobs with you and in those moments you are there to uh, correct and coach him but to the extent that he is A A continual problem, I will deal that so let me stayed out of the gate. I'm not gonna let this turning into some type of massive disaster OK. I don't believe I will, but I need you guys to buy into this and let me tell you why i'd want someone to give me a shot.

And this kid doesn't know how to do this. He doesn't know how to do this. He's got some character issues. And so i'm gonna have to coach him.

And through me, euro coach on the head coach, you guys are the office of defence of ordinator, special teen coordinator, line back and coach whatever we want to call, whatever analyse want to use with them, but say, um you we are going to hold him accountable and i'll make sure he's out of bed and on the job because this kid needs to be coached and a coach show somebody literally only you think of teaching someone a sport am I talking in a film? These guys are already know the fundamental football at this point. I'm talking you're teaching a kid how to play football or basketball or soccer.

For the first time i've done IT, i've coach a lot of Young little kids um and teaching in the game and the way I coach them is the way you need to lead this kid and IT is you need to sell your alarm. You ve got about a fifteen minute to twenty minute drive to most of you need map. I'm talking the funding of light, the legendary coach of ucl, john wooden, at the start of every one of his practices, would teach his guys how to wear their socks, how to tie their shoes the right way is unbelievable.

But he was like, i'm going to teach you the fundamental of the equipment too, not just how to play basketball. So I think you've got ta commit to telling this kid, hey, i'm going to give you an opportunity and hear how much money you're gonna make. Cast a vision for this kid, say, listen, i'm going to pay you exam out an hour if you work for me for six months, here's so much money you going to make IT six months below is mind. If you work for me for a year, here's how much money you're going to make. 嗯， 哼， now here's what i'm requiring of you.

O.

K, I just need you to do your job. And your job is to be a support, a physical support to the technician. And if you do a good job of that, there might come a day where we teach you how to do their job.

If you want to do, I want you to advance in life, and I want to set you up, Young man. And i'm gone to be your coach, not just your boss. Now here's a deal.

I'm going to give you a lot of Grace. As long as you show me effort, an attitude I need, I need good effort. And when it's not good effort, I tell you about I need a good attitude about that and you're going to go come on to fix effort because i'm investing in you in your future.

I believe in you, but here's what i'm going to require of you. And I would tell the team that you're gona give this kid a little bit more Grace, and maybe you would give more people as long as he shows you that he's willing to get Better. I would absolutely stick IT out with this kid. And I don't think he's gonna become a massive disruption. If you were involved and you tell your team when he starts making the workday harder, you tell me exactly what's happened and i'll get in and have a hard conversation 嗯 哼 make sense yeah .

that that makes sense that little bit because that was that was A A major question。 How to get a team to buy and or they they're not very important about that.

that I would ask them to buy in to the fact that you're going to believe and invest in a kick because this is the way the world's supposed to work. Number one. Number two.

Um to the point that he is disrupt of not doing the job, they do the job without him anyway. Do they know? That's cork. Then tell them then they would have simply step away if they don't feel like they can correct him and they don't want to. IT will call you and you shop on the job in .

new deal with 嗯 哼 嗯 哼。

Yeah, there is no reason why this kids should be a nuisance to them if you set IT up that way and they know they can come to you and you're gonna on IT in your problem. But I would also empower them to say, hey, man, you gotta do this.

You got do this because because friends all over me about this so i've got to to get back to friend so here's the share of there are the deputies, you know, I mean, and they going to if you don't do this, I got a report to friend fred's d calls me friends is gona call me twice a day and he's he's going to ask me and I got to tell yes. And so I think that's how I would do that is practically as I could possibly do that. That's my best, my best advice.

So I really love your heart and and I I think you are good man, and I think you should do this. And I believe if your patient and you realized he's never had a parent, then I think you're giving more Grace. Thanks for listening to the can coleman show for more. You can find the show on wherever you listen to podcasts and watch the show on youtube. You can also find can across all social media by.