cover of episode Redux: Moving On, Part 1

Redux: Moving On, Part 1

2024/6/29
logo of podcast Dear Sugars

Dear Sugars

AI Deep Dive AI Insights AI Chapters Transcript
People
C
Cheryl Strayed
C
Claire Bidwell-Smith
S
Steve Allman
Y
Young at Broken Heart
Topics
@Steve Allman : 本期节目探讨了告别、放下和继续前行的意义,特别是在失去亲人后的悲伤和内疚。节目中分享了两个听众的来信,一位是失去了童年挚友,另一位是失去了母亲。他们都表达了深深的内疚感,认为自己对亲人的去世负有责任。Allman自己也分享了失去母亲后的经历,以及他在梦中仍然与母亲保持联系的感受。他认为,人们往往在悲伤中停留的时间过长,因为放下很难,但失去亲人后继续前进与在其他关系中继续前进有所不同。 @Cheryl Strayed : Strayed分享了她失去母亲后的梦境体验,以及她对这些梦境的解读。她认为,梦境反映了内心深处对失去亲人联系的难以接受。她还谈到了在失去亲人后,人们会回顾过去的行为和言语,并感到后悔,因为没有机会弥补。但即使在失去后,我们仍然可以与逝者和解。健康的继续前进并不意味着忘记,而是要以不让自己感到内疚、焦虑或悲伤的方式将失去融入生活。 @Claire Bidwell-Smith : Bidwell-Smith是一位专门研究悲伤的执业治疗师,她分享了她自己的丧亲经历,以及她在工作中观察到的悲伤中被忽视的焦虑阶段。她认为,在失去亲人后感到内疚是一种常见的现象,这是一种试图抓住过去、试图做些什么的方式,但实际上只是在折磨自己。放下内疚并不意味着漠视失去,而是要找到新的方式与逝者保持联系,例如写作、谈论、做他们喜欢的事情等。继续前进并不意味着忘记逝者,而是要学习如何与他们的记忆和爱共存。即使过了几年,寻求悲伤咨询仍然是有益的,因为悲伤是一个持续的过程,会在人生的不同阶段以不同的方式出现。Bidwell-Smith还强调,内疚和焦虑有时是掩盖对逝者深深思念的一种方式。 @Racked by Guilt : 来信讲述了作者在母亲去世后,因母亲在遛狗时摔伤导致髋部骨折,最终因癌症去世而产生的内疚感。她不断地分析自己是否应对母亲的去世负有责任,并因此陷入深深的自责中。她还将这种内疚感扩展到生活中其他方面,不断反思自己过去的行为,并为此感到痛苦。作者希望能够摆脱这种内疚感,并接受母亲去世的事实。 @Young at Broken Heart : 来信讲述了作者在失去童年挚友Alejandra五年后才得知她自杀身亡的经历。她们曾是形影不离的挚友,但长大后失去了联系。作者在得知Alejandra去世后,感到深深的内疚和悲伤,因为她没有在她朋友需要帮助的时候伸出援手。她不断地反思自己过去的行为,并为此感到痛苦。作者希望能够继续前行,并从这段经历中吸取教训,更好地教育自己的孩子。

Deep Dive

Key Insights

Why is guilt a common experience after losing a loved one?

Guilt is a common experience after losing a loved one because it serves as a way to hold on to the person and the grief. It allows individuals to feel like they are doing something, even if it is just torturing themselves with thoughts of what they could have done differently. This guilt often stems from a desire to bargain with the past and a deep-seated need to feel connected to the person who has passed away.

What is the significance of dreams in the grieving process?

Dreams play a significant role in the grieving process as they often reflect the deep subconscious bond with the deceased. They can manifest as vivid dreams where the deceased is alive again, or even as distressing dreams where the dreamer is forced to confront the reality of the death. These dreams are a form of magical thinking, where the mind tries to hold on to the possibility that the loved one is still alive, reflecting the difficulty of accepting the finality of death.

How can writing letters to a deceased loved one help in the grieving process?

Writing letters to a deceased loved one can be a powerful way to process grief. It allows individuals to express their feelings, share updates about their lives, and maintain a sense of connection. This practice can provide comfort and a way to honor the memory of the loved one, helping to transform grief into a more manageable and meaningful experience.

What are some ways to honor a deceased loved one while moving on?

Honoring a deceased loved one while moving on can involve continuing their legacy, sharing stories about them, and engaging in activities they enjoyed. Writing letters, creating rituals, and talking about them with others can also help keep their memory alive. These actions allow individuals to carry their loved ones with them in a positive way, rather than being consumed by guilt or sorrow.

Why is it important to seek grief counseling even years after a loss?

Seeking grief counseling years after a loss is important because grief is an ongoing process that can resurface in different ways over time. Counseling can help individuals navigate the complex emotions and challenges that arise, providing support and strategies for coping. It can also offer a space to make amends with oneself and the deceased, leading to a healthier and more peaceful way of living with the loss.

How can parents use their experiences of loss to guide their children?

Parents can use their experiences of loss to guide their children by teaching them about compassion, awareness, and the importance of paying attention to the people they love. They can share stories about the deceased, emphasizing the value of connection and the impact of loss. This can help children understand the fragility of life and the importance of cherishing relationships.

What is the impact of finding out about a loved one's death long after it occurred?

Finding out about a loved one's death long after it occurred can be particularly isolating and painful. It places the individual in a state of newly bereaved, regardless of how much time has passed since the actual death. This delayed grief can be complicated by feelings of guilt, regret, and a lack of closure, making it important to seek support and find ways to honor the deceased.

How can individuals make amends with a deceased loved one?

Individuals can make amends with a deceased loved one by engaging in activities that honor their memory, such as writing letters, creating rituals, or sharing stories. These actions allow for a sense of connection and closure, helping to alleviate guilt and regret. Making amends can also involve seeking forgiveness from oneself and finding ways to carry the loved one's legacy forward in a positive manner.

Chapters
The hosts discuss the challenges of moving on from grief and loss, particularly after the death of a loved one. They share personal experiences and introduce the concept of clinging to grief, highlighting that it's sometimes harder to let go than to hold on.
  • Difficulty of letting go after loss
  • Clinging to familiarity and equilibrium
  • Grief process varies across individuals

Shownotes Transcript

This episode was originally released on August 18th, 2018.

The Sugars have been thinking about what it means to say goodbye and let go. In this first episode of our two-part series on moving on, the Sugars and Claire Bidwell Smith answer two letters from people struggling to move past their grief after the death of their loved ones.

The first letter comes from a woman who recently discovered that her best childhood friend died by suicide. In the wake of the news, she spent hours pouring over letters from her friend, and realized that there were signs of trouble early in life. Now she’s haunted by the fact that she failed to intervene years ago. “I keep ruminating on how Alejandra might have killed herself and where she was when she did it,” she writes. “I feel so much guilt from my complacency.”

A second letter writer, who calls herself “Wracked by Guilt,” feels similarly about the death of her mother. “How do I get over the sickening feeling that I played a role in my mom’s death?” she asks. “How is it possible for me to stop trying to place blame and simply accept the situation?”

Claire Bidwell Smith is a licensed therapist specializing in grief, and the author of several books, including “The Rules of Inheritance.” She writes and speaks about grief regularly, and offers online grief support in addition to her private practice. Her new book, “Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief,” will be released on Sept. 25th.