Guilt is a common experience after losing a loved one because it serves as a way to hold on to the person and the grief. It allows individuals to feel like they are doing something, even if it is just torturing themselves with thoughts of what they could have done differently. This guilt often stems from a desire to bargain with the past and a deep-seated need to feel connected to the person who has passed away.
Dreams play a significant role in the grieving process as they often reflect the deep subconscious bond with the deceased. They can manifest as vivid dreams where the deceased is alive again, or even as distressing dreams where the dreamer is forced to confront the reality of the death. These dreams are a form of magical thinking, where the mind tries to hold on to the possibility that the loved one is still alive, reflecting the difficulty of accepting the finality of death.
Writing letters to a deceased loved one can be a powerful way to process grief. It allows individuals to express their feelings, share updates about their lives, and maintain a sense of connection. This practice can provide comfort and a way to honor the memory of the loved one, helping to transform grief into a more manageable and meaningful experience.
Honoring a deceased loved one while moving on can involve continuing their legacy, sharing stories about them, and engaging in activities they enjoyed. Writing letters, creating rituals, and talking about them with others can also help keep their memory alive. These actions allow individuals to carry their loved ones with them in a positive way, rather than being consumed by guilt or sorrow.
Seeking grief counseling years after a loss is important because grief is an ongoing process that can resurface in different ways over time. Counseling can help individuals navigate the complex emotions and challenges that arise, providing support and strategies for coping. It can also offer a space to make amends with oneself and the deceased, leading to a healthier and more peaceful way of living with the loss.
Parents can use their experiences of loss to guide their children by teaching them about compassion, awareness, and the importance of paying attention to the people they love. They can share stories about the deceased, emphasizing the value of connection and the impact of loss. This can help children understand the fragility of life and the importance of cherishing relationships.
Finding out about a loved one's death long after it occurred can be particularly isolating and painful. It places the individual in a state of newly bereaved, regardless of how much time has passed since the actual death. This delayed grief can be complicated by feelings of guilt, regret, and a lack of closure, making it important to seek support and find ways to honor the deceased.
Individuals can make amends with a deceased loved one by engaging in activities that honor their memory, such as writing letters, creating rituals, or sharing stories. These actions allow for a sense of connection and closure, helping to alleviate guilt and regret. Making amends can also involve seeking forgiveness from oneself and finding ways to carry the loved one's legacy forward in a positive manner.
This episode was originally released on August 18th, 2018.
The Sugars have been thinking about what it means to say goodbye and let go. In this first episode of our two-part series on moving on, the Sugars and Claire Bidwell Smith answer two letters from people struggling to move past their grief after the death of their loved ones.
The first letter comes from a woman who recently discovered that her best childhood friend died by suicide. In the wake of the news, she spent hours pouring over letters from her friend, and realized that there were signs of trouble early in life. Now she’s haunted by the fact that she failed to intervene years ago. “I keep ruminating on how Alejandra might have killed herself and where she was when she did it,” she writes. “I feel so much guilt from my complacency.”
A second letter writer, who calls herself “Wracked by Guilt,” feels similarly about the death of her mother. “How do I get over the sickening feeling that I played a role in my mom’s death?” she asks. “How is it possible for me to stop trying to place blame and simply accept the situation?”
Claire Bidwell Smith is a licensed therapist specializing in grief, and the author of several books, including “The Rules of Inheritance.” She writes and speaks about grief regularly, and offers online grief support in addition to her private practice. Her new book, “Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief,” will be released on Sept. 25th.