Deep Dive
Why does Carol feel guilty about her brother?
Carol feels guilty because her brother, who was shaken by their father as a baby and has had mental health issues since, has alienated everyone in their family, including his own daughter. She believes she should be reaching out to him, despite his behavior.
What does Dr. Laura suggest Carol do to achieve full emotional health?
Dr. Laura advises Carol to let go of her brother by minimizing or cutting off contact, as staying involved with him keeps her tied to unhealthy family dynamics. She suggests that Carol may need to completely disconnect for a while to fully heal and only check in occasionally to see if he has changed.
What is the significance of Carol's childhood in her current situation?
Carol's childhood was marked by her father's alcoholism and violence, which led her to spend her early years protecting her mother and brother. This background has deeply influenced her sense of responsibility and guilt, which she is now working to overcome through therapy and self-care.
How does Dr. Laura define responsibility in the context of family dynamics?
Dr. Laura emphasizes that no one can be responsible for another person's happiness or well-being, especially in dysfunctional families where children are often made to feel accountable for adults' actions. She highlights that this misplaced responsibility leads to confusion and emotional distress.
What metaphor does Dr. Laura use to describe Carol's relationship with her brother?
Dr. Laura compares Carol's relationship with her brother to sticking a toe in a bathtub with a crocodile, implying that any interaction with him is dangerous and likely to result in emotional harm.
Shownotes Transcript
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Thanks for listening to my call of the day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from two to 5 PM Eastern time on Sirius XM triumph one 11 Carol. Welcome to the program. Oh, hi. Thanks Dr. Laura. Um, yes, my brother who's two years younger than me was a colicky baby and my father shook him and he just hasn't been right in the head ever since. Um,
He, um, so I'm feeling guilty because he's alienated everybody in our family, including his daughter. Okay. Do you have any idea what guilty actually means? Not sure. Well, we said you are it. So give me your, give me a, give me a definition, your definition, not the dictionary one, your definition of guilty.
That I should be reaching out. No, I didn't ask what you should be, ma'am. I asked you to give me a definition of the word. Guilty, responsible for another person's happiness. Maybe. Is that what you're after?
How can anybody be responsible for everybody else's happiness? How does that even work? How can you be responsible for my happiness if I drink and smoke and don't work out and I'm mean to people and I kick my dog? How are you responsible for the quality of my life? Do explain that to me. I'm interested. Well, I'm not responsible for that.
That's correct. Nobody can be. Nobody can be. Of course, there are families in which the parent sucks, so they try to make some kid responsible for somebody else, even the parent, much less another kid. In alcoholic families, you see that a lot where the kid becomes responsible for the adults and then they spend their entire lives confused because I'm responsible, but hell, I can't be responsible. I can't make them do or not do anything. So it gets confusing. I see that.
You can't be responsible for somebody else's happening because nobody on the face of the earth has that power. I see that. I loved that exhale. It was good. My dad was an alcoholic judge, and I spent my childhood...
Fighting, you know, I spent my childhood protecting my mother and my brother because I thought he was going to kill them. I've had years of therapy, peeling the onions. I'm in AA myself doing great. But it's like he periodically. Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Yeah. Everything you just said was really good.
Except when you started to talk about your brother, because what it told me is I'm healthy, healthy, healthy, healthy. No, I'm going to give up all the healthy and play this sick family game with my brother. I just gave up being healthy. I'm going to play this sick game with my brother. It's like the last part of you getting healthy is not doing that. Until you are willing to let him go, you're not healthy.
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For a clean, you can feel good about, all you need is all free clear. Let him go, meaning have no contact with him for the rest of my life. If once a month you want to say hi, I guess it's okay. But being invested in him at all, in listening to him, giving advice to him, feeling guilt. And it may take you having nothing to do with him for a while.
for you to be able to accept that as the healthiest place to be. And then if you wish to check in now and then to see if he's any different and you find out he's not, close the door again. Okay. That's healthy. Yep. Sounds good. Thank you, Dr. Laura. You're very welcome, sweetheart. And you've done a good job up to now. This is Custer's last stand right here.
Yeah, well, I tried the checking in. It doesn't work. I already tried that. I'm sorry. What would checking in look like if it worked? In one sentence, checking in would work. Checking in would work if he reciprocated with... Oh, my God. No, that's not checking in. That's not checking in. That's staying in the same sick carousel with him. Okay. Okay.
I have a crocodile in my bathtub and I'm going to keep sticking my toe in just a little bit of a toe and see if he won't bite me. He's going to bite you, silly woman. I got it. All right. Okay. Thank you so much, Dr. Lurie. That helps. I let him go. Thank you. Good. Excellent. Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words.
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