Dad's End of Life is Getting Ugly
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Thanks for listening to my call of the day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Robin, welcome to the program.

Okay, so I am a family lawyer. I prepared my parents' advance directives with very, it was a very long discussion. And one of the things that they asked is that no matter what, they want to die at home. And we talked about all the things you can imagine might happen.

And before, when my parents were younger, they took care of my paternal grandparents until they died. And they both had dementia. They saw what happened. And my dad made a specific request. I don't want to live like that ever, ever. And now he is. And of course, where we are, you know, end of life.

We don't get to just say, he didn't want to do this, so let's give him his wish. Just not an option. So now we all live in the same house, and my father is extremely demanding on my mother, who her problems are more physical and his are more cognitive. And most recently, so basically he just yells for her constantly, and she comes running,

And I directed the kids, if I'm not there, if Pa yells, go find out what he wants. But all he wants is to get Grandma. Go get Grandma. And it could be for nothing. You know, just look at this commercial on TV and so forth. Most recently, he was yelling for her. None of us were at home.

And she was on the toilet and she tried to get up to go run. She caught her foot in her pants, legs fell and broke her nose. And I, and I've, we've brought in house help. They helped clean the house and so forth, but he only wants her. And, you know, I listened to you. I want to make these last days happy for both of them.

I just don't know what to do. And additionally, I'm just as a side, we love grandma. We love her. She was, dad was a great dad. He was an earning dad, but he wasn't an emotional dad. You know, he wasn't a guy that ever, okay. He wasn't a girl. I get that. First of all, you can't make these last days happy. That's sort of a silly thing to say. You can't make them happy.

I know.

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For a clean, you can feel good about, all you need is all free clear. And of course he wants her. He's scared. He's scared. Yeah. And I am not an attorney, but I bet if I were, I could take what you wrote to court and have it quashed. If it demonstrates, if I can demonstrate, and you know I'm going to be right on this, I can demonstrate that following it is deleterious to her. Yes. Yes.

I could. Like a bug. I could do that. You'd be quashed like a bug, and that's why you should not be the attorney, because you're also the daughter. Right. But yes. So the guilt quotient is big here. But right now, if he's of sound enough mind that he knows where he is and who she is, I would have, if I were in your predicament, as you have established it, I would recommend that you have a care worker.

I can't go get her now. She's napping. I can't go get her now. She's on the toilet. I can't go get her now, but I can do this for you. But he wants her. He's scared about death and he wants her. He doesn't want to feel alone. He doesn't want to be scared. And having her there makes him feel more secure. But we cannot run her like this. So we'll have to have an intermediary and let him be a little pissed off.

He gets really pissed off. Because, yes, I understand, but for the sake of him not being pissed off, we can't make her life shorter. Right. She could have hit some other part of her head and be dead right now. Yes. Yes. So this has to stop the way it is. And if he gets pissed, so be it.

He's scared. Maybe a counselor coming in to talk to him. There are counselors whose expertise, older people, last stage of life, cognitive problems. There are therapists who help people in that state. So we can help him deal with his fears, his insecurities, which are normal to have at time like this when your brain is going and you know you're dying. So get him some help in two ways. A counselor who works with gerontology as their expertise and

study of older people, whatever, and a helper to bring him his needs to be met. You don't have that already. There are bonded nurses, assistants. There are all kinds of things, people who do this. We have it. There are companies which do this. And if he's going to be mad, let him be mad. She shouldn't have to pay the price because you're all scared about him being mad.

Well, and she doesn't want him to be mad, right? It's important to her. Of course, she feels guilt too. So she needs to be sat down with a counselor too. This needs to be dealt with with people who can help explain and give people freedom. As much as she wants to help him, because she's catered to him too, her whole adult life. Whole life. Some part of her wishes he'd shut the hell up also. But she's never going to say that except to a counselor.

Yes, and she said a couple of weeks ago that she's having this feeling of maybe it'll be better when he dies, and it's causing her tremendous guilt and grief. If I were there when she said that, I'd relieve her of all that. How? Well, I'm a therapist, one. Number two, I would tell her it's totally normal.

Totally normal. Totally reasonable. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It doesn't mean you're a bad wife. It doesn't mean that you don't care about him. It means it's true. As sad as that is. He didn't want to do this. He never wanted to live like this. Okay, ma'am, please don't keep trying to tell me something. Nobody wants to live like this. Duh. Yeah. But these are the things that I can recommend at this point. And I wish you all well.

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Millions of unpaid family caregivers look after their loved ones, a true labor of love. This season, Halion, maker of brands like Advil and Centrum, has supported three caregivers with $10,000 from renovating their homes to make their loved ones comfortable to taking on extra shifts at work so their family can rest easy. Each individual goes above and beyond in the way they care.

Hear the winner's stories now by visiting BeThereWithCare.com. Contest ended November 15th. Official rules at BeThereWithCare.com.