The Best Of The Pick Up - Anyone With Botox Is Banned
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This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. And welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura. And this is The Pickup, our radio show where we package up all the best bits of the week right here for you and put on Life Uncut if that's not ever been confusing for you. We hit a lot of things this week, didn't we? I just wanted to show you something. Hang on. It's going to be, I can, you don't even have to tell me, it's going to be a picture of Lola because you've set your screensaver on your phone to be like alternating. It just pops up because

Five times a day, you're like, can I show you this picture of Lola? Okay. If you haven't done this and you have kids or a pet or a husband or a parent you really like,

or a partner, pick their face and go into your like alternating screensaver photo option. And then every day, like five or six times a day, your phone just suggests a photo out of nowhere. It is the most simplest and purest form of joy. Every day, like an old photo from the archives just comes out. And I can't. Every time I see this, I'm like third baby. No, I tried and it just ended up with a nude on my phone. It was really awkward. That's for another story. We'll save that. That's so

You might save that for the live show. Every so often I get like a photo of Matt and he's doing something stupid, but it's been so long since we've sent each other a nude that I don't need to worry about that. Also, surely iPhones are smart enough to know like that's not an appropriate wallpaper. Nah, not when you're...

pick the face. It's not like you've said no genitalia. Pick the face and not the dick. Yeah. Terrible. Anyway, look, sorry, that was a real detour that we didn't need to take, but I hope it can be my recommendation. Change your screensavers, everyone. Rotating photos. I still had that issue until not long ago. I didn't know how to actually fix it.

fix it. So I just stopped it. But on my iPad, I had just rotating photos, but I didn't pick a face and my X just used to come up all the time. That's so bad. It's so bad because sometimes, I didn't know, but I have like 130,000 photos on my phone. I just didn't really think about it. And I opened up my iPad and I was with Ben and

And he looked over, but he didn't see it because I think I had that screen protector on. Thank the Lord. Oh, my God. So I didn't know how to fix it and just take his face off. So I just took it off altogether. Yeah. No, you can go in. There's a setting. You choose the person. So you know how like iPhones obviously like allocate people and pets? You can go in and you can select who you want and who you don't want to show up on your screen roll. It's unfortunate that it doesn't say people, pets and genitalia. That's a shame. Yeah.

Hey, well, this week, one of the things we were talking about is I love her, Millie Bobby Brown. Did you know, Millie Bobby Brown, in case you missed it, she has 62 pets. It's crazy. But everyone's been talking about her recently because how she's been so vocal around the journalists talking about her body image. However, we were talking about her 62 pets. So like we're covering all bases. I just couldn't love them all.

because they're not all hers. Like they're hers, but not hers. But she like fosters a lot. She does a lot. But we did have a very funny chat about some of the pets that we had growing up. Yeah. And also some of the weird things that you used to do with your pets. Don't judge me. I'm an animal lover. And when you hear what I did, you might also be as disgusted as Laura was. I'm never going to recover. No, that's on you.

For you making that conversation sick and sexualized, I was like a 10-year-old with a hermit crab. Let me live. Okay. And I also shared a story. So recently, you guys know that we were away for the F1. We were staying in a hotel and Marley and Lola took something really, really important to Matt.

and they lost it. Completely gone. Couldn't find it. Spent hours looking for it. Was it his dignity? Well, no, they took that years ago. We've got nothing left. It was very expensive. It's very meaningful to us and we could not find it. And then we got into a big discussion about what did your kids take and why do kids cost so much money? And look, there's more to it. Let's get into it.

Just when you think maths, married at first sight, can't get any worse, it does. It shuts us up real quick and it's like, hey, you thought we were already cooked. We're about to be more cooked. There

There are all these rumors going around. Now, this hasn't happened on the show, but everyone's talking about it. It's been released by a quote unquote insider that there's the biggest twist to ever happen on Married at First Sight. It's never happened before. So what it is, it's a new challenge called, is the grass always greener? And what they do is they've given all of the MAPS contestants who are now, they're so deep in the show, they're with their partners, they give them an envelope of

that has their backup spouse on it. And they say, this is the person you are almost matched with. Do you want to see it? Do you want to meet this person? And they're asking them this question in a private room. So their partners don't know if they decide to meet them or not. So you don't know if your partner has said yes to meeting theirs. You don't know if you should say no to maintain your relationship integrity, or you don't know if you should say, hey, should I just say yes in case my partner says yes?

I saw this and also it's said that this has been the undoing of so many relationships. So obviously a lot of people have opened the envelope to check. We disagree, but I have strong feelings about this. If you have made the commitment to be in this relationship, if you are writing stay on that couch every day and someone hands you an envelope that says here could be a better match for you,

and you open it, you are clearly not that invested with your partner. And if you choose to open it, it is either you don't have a very high emotional EQ or secondly, it's a pretty clear indication about how that person feels about your relationship. So if your partner is going to open that envelope, I would be writing leave the next time I'm on the couch. Maths does not scream invested. This show is a train wreck. It is not like The Bachelor or these other really wholesome dating shows. This show is constantly

constantly challenging relationships, I think firstly, this shouldn't even be a challenge. It's setting them up for failure. It's like maths is saying we genuinely do not want successful couples. But what I will say is I'd be pretty damn curious if I was on a show like this, pretend that I am the really genuine person, right? I genuinely want to find love on it. You're two months in, you're with a partner who seems to be fine. They're great. You get along. If somebody came to me, three experts and said, hey,

We put so much time and effort into trying to find your soulmate, your perfect match. This is the person that we thought was pretty close but almost might not have made it. I'm going to tell you, I'd be curious. I know you would be curious, but my thing is, is I don't think that you can blame the experiment for putting these types of obstacles in place that people are failing. Yes, you can. No, because there

reality is you got to take some personal responsibility. If you open that envelope, you have to know that it's going to hurt your partner. You have to know that when your partner finds out that the curiosity of finding out who was better than them is going to hurt their feelings and that maybe they won't want to be with you anymore. So for me, I'm like, you can blame it on the experiment throwing spanners at you, but life is going to throw temptation at you at every point. It's different because in real life,

is the grass always greener? Means there could be someone walking down the street that you're like, well, they're hot. There could be someone online on Instagram that posts bikini photos. They're the temptations. This is different. These are three professionals that are saying they scoured Australia to find your perfect match. So if you are genuinely like, oh, I really want to find love, they come to you dangling a carrot saying, this could literally be your soulmate because we put so much of our resources, time and energy into it as if you're not going to be like, oh, what if they're

What if they're the most perfect person for me? Yeah, totally. But also, Britt, keep in mind, it was the second choice. It was the person that they thought was the backup to the person that they thought was perfect. Yes, but these contestants know the people that they have chosen are to make a TV show. The people that are chosen by maths, we all know. We're not silly. But they all are. The person in that envelope is to make a TV show.

But the reason he wasn't chosen or she wasn't chosen is probably because they're too normal and they weren't going to cause enough... No, you know how reality TV works. They cast for drama. I think about this from my own experience and maybe the reason why I kind of feel more strongly about it is because, you know, doing The Bachelor and meeting my husband on that show, I know that sometimes it does work out, right? Like we are a rare success story but it did happen and...

I imagine if I had gotten three quarters of the way through the experiment of The Bachelor, if they had come to me and said, hey, do you know what? You're still competing against five other girls at the moment, but we have another guy who we think could be perfect for you. Do you want to meet him?

There's no way I would have said yes to meeting him because I was so sure that there was something special about my relationship with Matt that I wouldn't have jeopardized it because I don't think the grass is greener. And so I think for me, when I see this, it is a really clear indication as to where these couples stand and whether they're going to make it in the real world or not. It's just fast track them to the breakup that was clearly inevitable.

I so disagree. Anyway, we've got to get out of it. I'm opening the envelope. Soz, if I'm on maths and you're getting broken up with, you were single for 10 years. I got broken up with on The Bachelor. I couldn't even get it. So, yeah, I'm 100% opening the envelope. Luckily, I'm getting married anyway.

Can I tell you, Britt, having children, they're a real liability. Yes, it's a weekly conversation. They are. They are. And also they are very expensive, but not for the reasons that you might think. Like obviously people are like, okay, school fees and putting clothes on their back and feeding them, you know, keeping them alive, doing extracurricular activities, like all that stuff's expensive. The thing that you don't think about is how much money you spend on the stuff that they lose.

Now, something happened on the weekend. We were away, my husband and I, we went away to the Formula One and we were staying at a lovely hotel and we decided that we would take the girls. Now, Matt, when he sleeps, because my husband wears like quite a bit of jewellery. So he wears his cuffs.

He wears his necklaces. He's got his big diamonds. No, but he's got jewellery that he wears and he would take it off at night time and he puts it beside the bed usually. And it was the night before we were going to check out. So he took off all his jewellery, put it beside the bed. We got up in the morning. We went for breakfast. We decided we'd have a little swim before we checked out. Now check out time was at 10 a.m.

So about 15 minutes before we have to check out, Matt goes over to the side table to put on his jewellery. And everything's there. He's putting it on. And then he realises that one thing's missing. The wedding ring? His wedding ring. Oh, my God. Couldn't it have been like the chain with the cross on it? Couldn't it have been anything else? But no, my children are attracted to diamonds. They're like little bowerbirds. So he's like, oh, my God, my wedding ring's not here. And firstly, he thinks...

did the cleaner take it? Like, that's crazy. So that was his first thought. Not the three and four year old. And then he turned around, he looked at my children, five and four, mind you. So they should know better. Oh, yeah. And he was like, oh, my God, Marley May. And we sat them down and he did this like kind interrogation. And he was like, hey, did either of you pick up daddy's ring?

And Marley was like, Lola did it. Her number one at the moment is to blame everything on her sister, even though she is 100% complicit. No, Marley at five wouldn't have taken it. She did. So Marley took the ring, gave it to her sister. Her sister is four. Lola...

You cannot get any rhyme or reason out of that kid. She will not tell you the truth. She won't tell you what she's done with it. She was just like, I don't know. And then we were like, hey, Lola, where did you put it? She was like, I don't know. But she knew she'd had it. She just could not remember what she'd done with it. Anyway, we walked over to the bed and she was like, I was just playing with it around here, guys, like around this general area.

We had to check out in 15 minutes. We checked out two and a half hours late because we spent two and a half hours ripping the bedroom apart trying to find Matt's wedding ring. Where was it? We eventually found it and it was just by absolute stroke of luck. So I totally stripped the bed of everything. And Matt was like, I'm just going to put the mattress up off the bed. So he pulled the mattress up and it had fallen down between the mattress and the bed head. And there it was, just slotted down there like it had fallen into like a little money slot, his wedding ring. Thank God.

Thank God we found it. It's probably not insured either, knowing you. No, of course not. It's not insured. But I want to know, okay, have your kids lost something that was very important to you? Because this stuff happens way more than what you would think. We've got Tom on the line. Tom, what did your kids lose? My little three-year-old daughter lost my passport two days before I had to fly out to my brother's wedding in London. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Where did she put it? What did she do? No, but like what happened? Was it gone completely or did you find it somewhere? We managed to miraculously find it. We tore the house to pieces and found that she had –

buried it in a board game box in one of our cupboards. I don't know how we managed to find it. How did you even? Yeah, why would you even think to go through that? Once we found it, it had also been completely graffitied all the way through it. So hang on, did you get to your brother's wedding? We did.

We did, just. Luckily, she used text over the face part, so that came off really well and it was all pinned through the rest of it, but that didn't matter as much. They didn't see it. She literally drew on your face. Yeah. So it was crazy. And yeah, we realised that she basically found it, graffitied it, and then went to bury the evidence. So.

So that's when she went and hid it into the board game. Even at three, they know what they're doing. She was like, I need to hide the evidence. I've got to put it somewhere that mum and dad will never find it and then I'll deny everything. They know what they're doing. They're smart. Thanks, Tom. Michaela. Hi, Michaela. What did your kids lose?

My three-year-old misplaced my keys inside a bag of stuffed toys inside a salvo. No. It took an entire three hours and the entire store of workers and other random shoppers helping out because nothing is in order in a salvo. So to try and find it, I had no idea. I could not leave the store without my car keys. How did she... So eventually they were found, but it took...

Half a day. How did you know that she'd put it into the Salvos bag? Like, how did you know that it was in there? Or did you just take it apart?

I was delivering goods, so my hands were full walking into the store. So for some silly reason, I decided to let her carry the keys. And then she walked around and put them in a bag. You're so lucky you got those back. So I was left in the store going, where are my keys? Where are my keys? Trying to not have a meltdown at her while she was going, I don't know. I don't know. Why do they have like two second memories? She did know. They know. Because they don't want to get in trouble once they realise. They don't want to get in trouble. Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

Do you think it's okay to fake a proposal in a restaurant purely in hopes of getting like free drinks or a free dessert or something like that? I think it's ballsy. I don't hate it though because everybody has been at like a dinner table where someone's faked a birthday or faked some sort of celebration to try and get maybe a free cake, maybe a free little slice of cake. Yeah, but also not...

So not a wedding. Okay, hang on. Let me just set this up. There's a couple going viral online at the moment for going on a holiday to Honolulu. So nice. And they were in this beautiful restaurant. Like it's stunning. It's got really nice ambience. One might say it's the perfect place to propose. No, I'd be devo'd if I got proposed there. I'd be shouted. I don't want to get proposed in that restaurant. You're such hard work.

I'm sorry. If you propose to me in this restaurant in front of 100 people over my cordon bleu, yeah, I'm not frothing it.

Alleged cordon bleu. So what happened was everyone's having that beautiful meal and then the husband, oh sorry, the now fiance gets down on one knee, causes this big scene, proposes to his partner. She says, oh my God, yeah, she's ecstatic. The restaurant goes wild. They're clapping. They're so happy for them and they get engaged in this beautiful scene. Spoiler.

They literally posted it to their social media. My husband fake proposed to us to get free drinks last night. Laffy face, laffy face, laffy face.

462,000 likes. It's going off, but it's very divisive. There are a lot of people in the comments being like, wow, this is stealing from the restaurant. You shouldn't be so proud that you post this to your people. I consider this theft. Deceiving people is not the wind that you think it is. I like that they have such a similar sense of humour that they can do this stuff and find it funny and they're both on the same page. Like that's a funny experience that they both went to this restaurant and pretended to –

They got one, two margaritas. Who cares? Not from the restaurant. Patrons were buying them. Other people that were there were like, this is so sweet. I will spend my hard-earned holiday money on this couple to celebrate their love when it was fake. Now, look, I'm the first person to put my hand up. Have I faked an anniversary or a birthday? Yeah.

I have. So why do you draw the line at a proposal? Why does it feel more sacred? I just feel like it's too much. Like it takes away from the sweet gestures of proposals all over the world. It makes a mockery of marriage. Not that I'm religious. I don't know. For me, there's a line.

And they crossed it. For me, the line is like, if you want a drink, fake that it's your birthday, say it's your anniversary, say it's your honeymoon. Okay, hear me out though. Girls will pretend to be single in bars to get drinks from guys and they're not. Or they pretend to be interested in men that they're not interested in to get drinks. Why is that okay?

And why is that totally fine? But this couple getting two margaritas from a patron and it being like a funny moment that they shared, so outrageous. Have you heard of the patriarchy, Laura? I know, I agree. It's time for us to get even. We don't even get paid the same amount. That's why men have to buy us a drink.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not raging. I'm not raging about any of this. I think it's relatively harmless. And I think the amount of vitriol that they're receiving for doing it. My only thing is, is like, I feel like at the moment, it's more so the case that everything is content. Yes. They've captured this and put this on their social media because they're clearly content creators. They clearly are doing stuff for engagement. And guess what? It worked. They got the engagement that they wanted. But I would dare say that a lot of people have said, you know, when they booked a restaurant, have said, oh, it's a special occasion so that they could get a nicer table. Okay, listen.

Faked a birthday so that they could, you know, get a free piece of cake. I don't know. Listen to the time it backfired on me. So I was at the Cirque du Soleil and I thought you'd get free drinks. My friends and I all thought you'd get free drinks if it was your birthday because they had said, we'd been told ahead that they ask people if it's their birthday.

So they said, is it anyone's birthday today? And my friends all pointed to me. And so I just lent in. They were like, yeah, it's her birthday. And I was like, yeah, it's my birthday. Like so embarrassed, like pretending, thinking that we'd all get free rounds of drinks. And instead they pulled me up on the stage and I had to do like circus acts and stuff instead of everyone. And I was like, wow, this would really backfire. I didn't get a drink. This is what?

You're dirty about it because the one time you lied, you got pulled up and had to do some acrobats, whereas this couple got two margaritas. I had to climb a rope. That's it. That's all this comes down to. This is just like a deep set trauma for you. I just think do it if you want, if it's your birthday and your anniversary, but don't take away from the magic of proposals and marriage. Said from the person who recently got proposed to, who clearly feels very strongly about it. Real, a real proposal. Thank you very much.

I came across an Instagram post on the weekend that really kind of stopped me in my tracks. And I read this and as a mum and as someone who has been in the trenches with little kids for the last couple of years... You're still sort of in there. Well, I feel like I'm dragging myself out.

But definitely having two kids under the age of two, there was a period there where I would talk about and relate to this idea of feeling like I'd lost my identity a little bit, feeling like I'd lost my sense of self. However, I never really felt as though describing it as a loss of identity really made sense for me because I still knew who I was.

But there was something that fundamentally was different now that I was a mum. Yeah, and I think it's the thing that you hear the most from new parents in the first couple of years. They all say the same thing. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know my identity. Like you hear that said so often. I mean, obviously it sounds like it's such a negative, but it is something that so many mums experience. But there was...

a different way of approaching this conversation. And this Instagram post, it's from a psychologist named The Psyched Mummy. And I resonated with it so deeply because it wasn't about losing your identity. It was about losing your autonomy. And it went like this.

A mum came to see me for therapy and something she said stuck with me for years and I wonder if you might feel the same. She shared all the ways her life had changed since becoming a mother. I nodded with deep understanding, knowing just how many parents felt similarly, including myself. And then she said, I don't feel like I lost my identity.

I lost my autonomy and that's been the hardest part for me. She was no longer in control of her life. Her decisions were dictated by others. Even her time was not her own. So it's not that she didn't know who she was anymore. It's that she couldn't access that person. All of the things that made her feel the most about herself were out of her reach. She valued independence. She valued spontaneity. She valued being in the driver's seat of her own life. But she felt like that that was squished.

somewhere in the back seat now. It sounds like a poem from Robert Frost, The Path Less Taken. That was deep. It really is. And I read it and I was like, wow, okay, maybe it isn't identity, maybe it's autonomy. And I say this as someone who like, I never expected to love being a mum as much as I do. Like I deeply love being a mum and I love my children so much. But there definitely are times where... You wish you had my life. Yeah.

But having a friend who's able to go and do whatever they want to whenever they want to, it's the small things, you know. They're not being able to go to the gym or go and just see your friends or have time to yourself, especially when you're in the trenches of little kids. I know it changes at different ages and everything's a stage.

But I don't think I realized how much I have experienced this to different levels at different times throughout my motherhood journey until I read it so plainly. And it also kind of gave me the language to be able to talk about it because I think there's been times where I'm not frustrated about not knowing who I am, but I definitely have times where I feel frustrated that I don't have time for me at all.

It's interesting because as the person in the friendship group that doesn't have kids, I've always said to you, Laura, that's always been what I've been hyper aware of when I have been on the fence or discussing whether I'm going to go forth and have kids. The number one thing I always used to say is,

I'm aware enough to know that I'm very selfish with my time now. It's like the inherent sacrifice you have to make. I don't know if I was ready to make the sacrifice of my time and not be autonomous. So I've always been aware of that and I haven't gone into that stage of children yet, but that's been my worry. So my worry was never losing my identity. My worry was I'm 37 years old and I've only...

ever had to worry about and look after myself my entire life. How do I go from not doing what I want when I want? How do I go from, I had a nap on the lounge yesterday. It was brilliant. And every time I do it, I wake up and I'm like, couldn't do that. I wouldn't have done that. Every time I do anything in my life, I'm like, wouldn't be doing that if I had a kid. But do you think Matt feels the same? Like, I don't think

it's necessarily just the women. Obviously, the women bear the load a lot more in the mental load, the physical load, what they're doing. But I imagine it's a bit of a change for the men too. I think it depends on your relationship. I think it definitely depends on how much of the load is falling on you as the mum. We know that it's not an equal parity in most relationships. But I feel very lucky because Matt and I share the parenting load very, very equally. And at different stages, I've done more. And at the moment, he's doing more

So I would dare say that he probably feels the same in a lot of ways. Like I think that he makes a lot of sacrifices as well, as every parent does when you have children. But there really is this kind of sense of mourning the ability to do whatever it is that you want to, to be spontaneous, to sometimes feel like you're fun because you kind of give those bits of yourself up a little bit to be a responsible parent in the same time. I don't know. There's like a sacrifice that's made for a wonderful gain sometimes

And the gain is so worth it in so many ways, but it doesn't mean that at some points you don't have these moments where you're like,

okay, I don't remember my old self as my old self was. So now that you've put it into words from Robert Frost, do you feel better about it? I feel better about it. That doesn't mean that it changes anything. You know, I think sometimes there's like value and validation in being able to understand what an experience is, even if it means that you can't change it right now. And I think we're still at a stage where our kids are really, really little and we are

still kind of in that throes of parenting and maybe it never fully changes. I don't know. I don't know what it's like to parent a 10-year-old or a 15-year-old. I don't know when it is that you wake up and you go, hold on, I can go to the gym whenever I want to now. I don't know when that time is, but certainly not at my stage of life. Tell everyone again what that Instagram was if they want to go look at the psych. It's at psychedmummy. I highly recommend it. She's got some good nuggets of gold in there as well.

I actually can't believe what I'm about to say is going to come out of my mouth. But there is a comedy club in the UK. It is called Top Secret Comedy Club. So secret. Well, it's going to have no patrons soon. It's going to be so secret it has no one. The owner has brought in a new ban, like a new checklist when you enter. So you know when you enter, sometimes you've got to get a photo taken or you get your ID checked. No thongs and a dress code. Yeah.

He has banned anyone from coming if they have Botox. How are you going to police this? No, he actually is going to police it. Basically, he has just said our talent, like our comedians, are so sick of performing to reactionless faces because people have Botox and their faces aren't moving. So he's saying that...

comedians are putting complaints saying that they just can't, it's so challenging to connect with their audience and deliver jokes when they only laugh from like the cheeks down, like when their faces are moving and when they're only hearing the laughter and not seeing it on their faces. So he has said to protect his high-end talent like Dave Chappelle and Amy Schumer who apparently go to the club,

He has said that you will now have to be checked on entry by he will be doing reaction tests when you enter. Surely this is like a lawsuit for discrimination. Brittany, you're never getting into that. I'm never getting in. I won't even.

I won't even get into the lineup. But mind you, I have migraine Botox. You don't have to defend yourself. No, but I could bring a medical certificate, I reckon, and still get in because otherwise. Okay, well, I'd be up shit creek, wouldn't I? Yeah, you could. I don't have a medical reason. Okay, I did read this. We've got here. I've had numerous complaints from performers who find it increasingly challenging to gauge the audience's engagement and bounce off their reaction. What a lie. I'm sorry.

But I would go as far as to say that if the audience isn't having a reaction, it's probably because the talent isn't that funny. Because you can still laugh with Botox. I mean, you can still have it. No, because no one's... I'm trying to do a laugh without moving my forehead. No one's getting that much Botox that you can't move your face.

No, that's a lie. People do. But you can move your lips. You can still laugh. You can still have a reaction. I feel like it's almost trying to blame a bad performance on the audience. It feels like the ultimate gaslighting of your own audience. Well, he said comedy thrives on connection and facial expression plays a huge part. We want people to laugh, cry, frown, sneer. But frozen faces from Botox impact the entire atmosphere. This is discrimination. I

It is discrimination and I bet you, I'm sorry, I bet you half of your performers have Botox. If they're allowed to have Botox to deliver the jokes, the listeners are allowed to receive the jokes with Botox. What's the very famous comedian who just did the Golden Globes? She's amazing. I've forgotten it. Nikki Glaser. Glaser. Whatever. I'm clearly super invested in her work. But she is very funny. Cannot move her face.

She has so much Botox. Looks amazing. That's no shade. But like can still deliver very funny jokes and it kind of like comes off because it's part of her shtick. Yeah, but also if you're doing an expression test, what if it's just useful? What if there's a 20-year-old that wants to come in that hasn't got a wrinkle yet and their forehead doesn't move yet? No, the forehead still moves. Hey, move your eyebrows. No, I can do it.

That's a frown. Whatever. That is a frown. You do it. Go on. Yeah, you're frozen too. I haven't had Botox in months. Oh, that's a lie. No, it is true. How much of a frown have I got? It's not moving. You're constipated. I had a...

This one is for anybody out there who is single. This is going to be a little hot tip for you, something that I wish I'd known back in the time when I was out there flirting and trying to date. Wow, not all heroes wear capes, do they, Laura? I'm just here to save the day, everyone. I would say that I am a particularly bad flirt. Like the idea of flirting makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't often agree with you, but I will here, yeah. Thank you. What about me makes you think that I can't flirt? Everything. Oh. Exactly.

To be fair, we were just talking about this. It is shocking to me, genuinely shocking that I managed to win The Bachelor because like when it comes to wooing a guy or flirting, I don't think that I have a sexual bone in my body. Like literally it's non-existent to me. No, I think that's my problem.

all the manipulation that you used to get there. No, I did not. Yeah. That's what my husband still says after eight years together. I'm joking. I don't know. I don't want it to come across the wrong way like I'm bullying you. You don't scream. You are, but that's okay. No, you don't scream flirty. You just don't. I don't know what it is. Okay. But you get by on being super good looking.

That's not even true, but you can keep on complimenting me. It's fine. Look, the reason I want to talk about this is because I think there is a very fine line between being a good flirt and being a creep. Like that line is thin and you don't know what side you sit on until you hear that someone's talking about you behind your back. Yeah, I agree. And a lot of it comes down to eye contact. Now we all know that eye contact is very important, but how much is too much?

How do you know what is the right amount of eye contact to hold with someone who you think could be like, you know, a hot and potential partner? So there's a relationship expert who's come out. Her name is Luanne Ward. And she has said that there is an eye contact rule. It is called the AT20 eye contact rule. The amount of eye contact, like as in like...

maintaining physical eye contact with someone that you should hold is only 20%. What you should be doing is going around the golden triangle. So you should be like moving your eye contact from the eyes to the mouth, to the nose, to the eyes, to the mouth, to the genitals.

How low down does that triangle go? And that's when you know you've reached creep status. That's the creep status. No, but like it's the moving of the eyes around that creates a sense of… Confusion. Not confusion. I was going to say of like suspense, but…

Producer Grace is looking at me like I've lost the block. I think everyone in the room is. No, but it's meant to like help you create a sense of like lust rather than coming across as too intense or too full on. Well, okay. Hear me out. I am basically a relationship expert without the actual qualification. What I will say is I don't think you should be looking all over the face because...

When you look at the forehead, it makes people feel awkward like they've got something on their face. That's why I said eyes, nose, mouth. Eyes, nose, mouth. Yeah, you literally said all over the face. But I think when you look above the eyes, it's weird. It makes them uncomfortable like they've gotten something on their face. What if I look above your eyes? I do. Now I feel like I've got something on my head. Yeah, you don't. What I think the best thing to do is, is just a really subtle glance down to the lip like that.

That was hot. Admit it. I just did it to you. Did you? Everyone in the car felt that. They felt the tone shift in your voice. You always make things weird. It's like the subtle smiles and then the look away. So like when you see someone, producer Grace, stop raising your eyebrows at me and like blowing your kisses across the room. But that was sort of hot too. I think it's still like, for example, you might not be in conversation with someone, but this is like my main tip for flirting.

Look across the room at them where it's out of your way. Like you might even have to look over your shoulder at them. Catch their eye for a minute, little smirk, look away. Ten minutes later, little look back. That's it. That's enough. Two-second eye contact, that is enough for them to be like,

Hold the line. But that's the question, right? That's always to me is how long does the eye contact need to be held from across the room? Because that's when it can err into, okay, that's too long. That person's just staring at me. Not a minute. It's not like a minute staring competition across the room. Like who can blink first? You know what I also think though?

50%, yeah, sure. It might be technique of like how you're looking at someone's eyes, whatever. The other 50% is whether or not you're attracted to the person. Because if they're hot as and they're staring at you from across the room, it doesn't matter if they're standing there staring at you for 10 minutes. You'll be like, I've got it. Not creepy. But if there was someone who you're not attracted to at all, then that's when I think it errs into creepy territory, which is totally unfair, but it does show that we're very superficial beings. Absolutely. Yeah.

I wouldn't add anything to that. I think that was a perfect wrap up of how to flirt. Thank you. Well done, Britt. Millie Bobby Brown is living my absolute dream. If you don't know who Millie is, she's from Stranger Things and she married Jon Bon Jovi's son. I know that that's irrelevant to the story, but I'm just trying to set their relationship up. His name is Jake Bon Jovi. Imagine only ever being referred to as Jon Bon Jovi's son. Well, I don't think he does anything. I think that's his thing. He's Jon Bon Jovi's son. Doesn't he? I don't think so. He's got his hands full. His

He's busy. Well, he is busy. Billy Bobby Brown is making headlines because she's come out saying she has 62 pets. Have a listen to this. Well, I have 25 farm animals and then I have 23 foster dogs and then I have 10 dogs in my house that are my personal dogs and four cats. This is amazing.

My personal dogs. It's amazing but it's also like slightly insane, right? Like how do you take care of that many animals? How do you take care of that many dogs? Well, they actually live like they have a really cool life. They did buy a huge farm and a huge property and they live this dual life where she can be one of the biggest people in movies and film and then she just goes away to her 62 animals on the farm and just…

It's kind of like she's a trad wife hybrid, but she's not a trad wife. She's very successful. She's not taking care of her husband or anything. She's just taking care of the animals. I was one of those kids who would always bring home like any stray, any rescue, any animal that was in need or like...

found on the side of the road. I would like if we went on long drives or car trips and there was like roadkill, like a kangaroo or a wombat. You took the roadkill home? Seems extreme. No, I would have a tantrum in the car until my mum pulled over so we could check and see if there was a joey because I'd once watched a documentary that said you should check so my mum would get out and she's like, that one's been gone for weeks. It was horrible raising me as a kid. I didn't bring a lot of animals home but we had a lot of weird pets as kids.

I remember my favorite pets were hermit crabs. Like I had a hermit crab farm, an entire farm. Same, same group. And I used to get home from school and I would lay on the ground. I'd get all my hermit crabs out and I'd only wear a sports bra crop top. What?

Because my favourite thing to do was to put them on your belly and that's how I bonded with them. That's a fetish. That's called a kink? No, the crabs crawl around and they tickle your belly and also that was the only way I could be close to them and not hurt them. I would let them crawl over my belly and stuff. And to get them to come out of their shell, not cool. I don't think it's nice. But it's like I would lick them. Yeah, you put them in your mouth. What? What are you talking about?

Yeah, this. Let me show you. So if this was a hermit crab, I've got a bottle. Britt, stop singing. Listen, I'm saying, I'm not saying it's right, but I was a kid. This is how you make them come out of your shell to play. You used to put them in your mouth like this and blow hot air on them. You used to go...

And the crabs would go, and then they'd come out and then you'd put them on your belly. Because they're trying to escape your breath. I said, I'm not saying it's right. In hindsight, as an adult, I know that that was the wrong thing to do, but I loved my hermit crabs. I grew up in a household where when I turned about 16 and my mum knew, because I moved out of home when I was, I think, like 20. 12. You know, I was early 20s, super early 20s. But my mum, when I was like 16, 17, put a rule in place that I wasn't allowed to bring home any more pets because...

It is now when I look back on it, it is comical. My grandfather used to call it the menagerie. We'd go to a school fete and I'd bring something home or like any time that we would go past the RSPC, I wouldn't even be with my mom and I'd come home with a cat. Like I brought home dogs, cats, pigeons, chickens, rabbits, guinea pigs, rats, mice, sea monkeys, fish. Sea monkeys? Aren't they invisible? No, they're not sea monkeys. You like grow them. We had- Isn't that like a Tamagotchi? No, sea monkeys are a real, they're like a-

They're like a real 90s pet. Yeah, they're kind of, what are they called? Like sea. They're like a type of plankton. Yeah, anyway, you just grow them. You had plankton. Let's just, you think my hermit crab thing is weird. You had plankton as a pet. You had a fungus. No, they're not. They're little fish. They're like tiny little. Brine shrimp. Brine shrimp. That's it. Thanks. Cool, that's so much better. Brine shrimp as a pet.

I also had hermit crabs as well. But the problem is, is so we had cats and it was the 90s. Like back then people were not desexing the cats like they are today. And also like my mum had a lot on. She was single mum of three kids. And 75 animals. And so many animals. And our cats just kept multiplying. I know that that's terrible. And obviously I have a cat now. She is desexed and like we understand the rules, but...

As a seven-year-old, I wasn't really abiding by them. I was like, ooh, another litter, another litter. Look at all these babies. It was actually insanity. So I remember there being one time where we had about 16, 17 cats and

We had 10 chickens. We had a rooster. That's unhinged. We had guinea pig litter and then we had mice and then what happened was the back of the mice cage, it was like a board, got a bit wet and the mice had gnawed through the cage and all 30 or whatever mice we had had gotten out into the house and we ended up with all of my pet mice living in the house and that's when my mum was like, I am done, move out. These stories are the best form of contraception.

If I birthed a you, I'd be beside myself. So would she. She still is. So on maths at the moment, the show that keeps on giving, it's The Homestays Week. And it started some really interesting and enlightening conversations.

Up until now, Jackie and Ryan or everyone, right? They're living in the hotel, you're dating, you're falling in love, but you don't really know much about the other person. But now they're taking each other home to see how they live, how they bought a house, are they with their parents, whatever their situation is at home.

And Jackie has left me in absolute hysterics and made me remember something that I have actually done. Have a listen to this. So that Stein is from Germany. It was eye-opening to see his home. There's an Eiffel Tower, a sword from the Tower of London. I just think he's been alone here for seven years. She cried. Maybe he isn't even aware of how lonely he is. It really reminds me of the elderly. This is a 70-year-old kimono.

It was so sweet of him to be so confident and so happy to bring me in. It's not quite hoarding. It's just, like, memories.

Okay, so if you missed this, Jackie went into Ryan's house and it is full of knickknacks. Like it's full of... They're not even knickknacks. I don't know what you call them, like samurai swords. Skulls. He's got skulls. He's got bottles of alcohol. He's got ties. He's got teddy bears. Like anything you could imagine in like the worst horror show of a gift shop, he's got it displayed somewhere. Yeah.

It definitely looks like... We're looking at some of the pictures here now. It definitely looks like she's gone back into like a teenager's room. Yeah. In fact, he bought the house and he's 36 years old. This reminds me so deeply of my 18-year-old boyfriend's bedroom when he was 18, not when he was in his mid-30s. But I...

can relate to this. I understand what it is like to be in a relationship, to meet someone, to date them, to think that they are fantastic. And then at some point go back to the house and be like, oh, okay, maybe your living arrangements aren't exactly on par with the person that I thought you were. So I was dating this guy for a long time. Then he moved away and we'd been doing long distance and I hadn't been to his new place. I'd only ever been to his place that he had when he was here. And

And I went up to go and see him and it was like 10 hour driveway. And I remember opening the door to his bedroom and he just had a mattress on the floor with no sheets.

And just a doona. They had a doona cover on it. But it turns out... He raw dogged the mattress. For six months, he had been raw dogging. It turns out that all the furniture that was in his old place wasn't his and the rental had come with the furniture. So he just never... Ew! Ew! That's even worse. He just never bought any. He just lived. Anyway, I moved...

happened? You bought that furniture secondhand. You bought that mattress secondhand. What has happened to it? You're not even going to put a sheet on it? No, no, no, no. All the furniture in his old place, which was like surprisingly well put together, that was all rental furniture. And so then he moved into this new place, had been living there for six months and never bought anything except, yes, a secondhand mattress that he slept straight directly on. That's so right. No top sheet, no nothing. I did have a mattress on the floor once, but that was like a

Feng Shui thing. I've read something about it was really good for you to sleep low to the ground. The thing that's even more embarrassing is that I ended up moving in with him and we were together for six years. So yeah, that was good. Did you ever put a sheet on? No. I bought the sheets and I bought furniture. Look, I don't want to yuck anyone's yum here. For Ryan, you do you. It's very particular taste. But if that's right for you, that is fine. If it's not right for Jackie, I completely understand. And I understand why she's, I don't understand why she's crying, but I understand why it's not for her. But I

Same thing. I remember dating this guy and we were in another town. He was originally from a city like five, six hours away. He was a doctor. So I was like, great, you're well put together. You got an income. Wonderful. And he's mid to late 20s. You thought you'd hit the jackpot is what you're saying. Not jackpot, but when you are young,

medically or university educated and you're in your late 20s and you live away, you think that someone is put together. Anyway, I went back to where he actually lives and it was still at his parents' house, fine, in a tiny room with a single bed and everything was still in there. Like his teddies from growing up.

I say this as in like I'm remembering how uncomfortable I was. No, Laura, we were sleeping in a single bed. He was nearly 30 and a doctor. But he just still lived in his childhood bedroom. Had he ever moved out and then moved back in? Yeah, that's how I met him. But he just, he was like a homing pigeon. He just kept going home. I can't help it and I know it was judgmental. It gave me the ick. I was like, I need to be with someone.

that has a double bed. You got the ick and I dated the guy who had a mattress on the floor and moved in with him. It says a lot about us. Our standards are very different is what that says. But yeah, look, I can understand why someone's home, I think you have to see it early because I think it's a real telling sign about more about that person, about all the things that they like or whether they're a hoarder or what their, you know, their mental state. Yeah. Yeah. Pray for Ryan.

So I sent in the other day a piece of content. We've got a group chat between us and I sent it in thinking that this would be a very funny thing to talk about on radio. And hear me out. The reason why I want to talk about a TikTok that I came across is because cheating

is very relatable. So many of us have been cheated on in the past. Some of you, I'm sure, have been the cheaters. Some of us in this room might have been the cheaters at one point in time. It's not a nice thing. Anyone who's ever experienced it, it's truly a horrible, horrible feeling to go through. And sometimes you think to yourself, like, how will you ever get even with the person who's broken your heart in such a catastrophic way? Now, this TikTok that I came across, it's a reel from a person called thereal.tarajun.

However, I fell for it and I thought she was a little old lady, like a little old Polish lady. But unfortunately, it's just a young lady who was wearing an age filter. I really didn't do my deep research on this. But the reason why it was so funny is because she has some very harmless yet effective ways if you were ever going to plot revenge on your cheating ex, she has some choice ideas for you. Have a listen to this. If he cheats, change his toothpaste to mayo.

Definitely funny when she was 90.

Not finding out it's AI and she's like 22. I got so sucked into this. I was like, I genuinely thought that this was wise advice from a little old lady. It's not. She's, yeah, she's much younger than that. But also still think that the advice is good. Is there ever a time where it's okay to enact like a petty, relatively harmless, but potentially extremely annoying revenge plot on someone who's broken your heart?

You're asking the wrong person because personally, I'm not a revenger. I could care less. My best revenge, this sounds so cliche and sickening, you'll probably get the ick. My best revenge is to literally forget the person, move on and be successful. I'm one of those people that do not waste. I had...

An ex that was marrying someone else simultaneously. Yeah, that was pretty bad. Didn't even do anything. I was like, cool, see ya. Just move on with my life. I'm way pettier than you though, Britt. You are very petty. Don't get me wrong. Like I've never enacted out the revenge, but I've definitely thought about the ways. That's not true.

Look, that's not true. You broke into your ex's house and got his passport, forged his signature and changed his flight so he couldn't go overseas with you. That's revenge. There's a backstory to that. No, that's the story. And there's also some explanations as to why I did that. We don't have enough time to get into it, everyone. Look, give us a call if you've ever plotted a revenge. You didn't have to like enact it out. I just want to know like what are the silliest things that you thought you might do? Here's one for you.

raw chicken in their air conditioner. I got a better one. Go. I've never done it, but if I did, this is what I'd do. Britt's like, I would never enact a revenge. However, I've been thinking about this. Mine would be like a stench. So you cut a little hole in their mattress...

tuna, fish, anything. They don't know what's in there and they will never know where it's come from. The sheet goes back over the top. You don't know where it's coming from. You're like, is it under the bed? Is it coming from the air con? That is smart. You would do it from underneath the mattress. Not like in the side, underneath. Shove it just a whole John West can in there. If you want to, sew it back up so they don't even see the slit. So smart. Producer Grace, you were saying, I mean, this wasn't a cheating one, but your sister did something pretty bad to you. Yeah, when I was in high school, my sister and I had this like

crank going back and forth war with each other. It was incredibly immature. But she decided to put a jar of glitter on the top of my ceiling fan and then not tell anyone about it. So one day I was like, it's kind of hot in here. I'll turn the fan on and just...

All the glitter went everywhere and my parents had to re-carpet the whole floor. Do you know what you just remind me of? And I actually think that this is the best revenge you could have had. When we were younger, my sister was drinking a chocolate milkshake and for some reason she pulled the straw out and went and pushed and blew the milkshake out of the straw all over my face. And I remember I was so calm and I said –

You'll not know when. You'll not know where. But I am going to get you back. And I never did. I never got her back. But she was petrified for years. Years. Not knowing where they're at.

No, it's better because you're expecting it every single day. So you're on edge. So your revenge is just like putting a deep fear, seeding a deep fear into someone. Yeah. Well, look, we've got Keely on the line. Keely, what was your revenge? Did you actually undertake this or was it just a fantasy revenge plan? We actually did this. So my friends called in. This was like 10 years ago. We just finished uni.

She was dating this guy and like she knew it was kind of probably coming to an end anyway. So she wasn't like super Debo. She found out he cheated on her and she goes, can you meet me at Josh's place? I've got to pick up some of my stuff. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, sure, cool. I get there and she goes,

I'm low-key, like, annoyed about this situation, but I just want to be really petty. And I was like, I'm there for it. So what we did was he was a massive gym bro. So his whole pan was full of, like, red kidney beans and chickpeas and cans of dinner. Lentils. It was on the proteins. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, everything. Meal prepping to the deluxe. We took every meal.

uh label off every can and just left them completely naked in his pants that's so stupid but that's not very revengeful is it you also left 50 cents a can but you also know it's it's actually printed on the top like it's got like or at least it is now for that reason not 10 years ago it wasn't we checked mate you guys do you know this is even worse because she didn't care she's like i was gonna break it anyway

Yeah, look, she cared enough to be like, you could have at least just broken up with me rather than cheating on me. Yeah, she had a... But he was a eunuch, so he couldn't replace all the food without like, you know, he was financially poor at the time. So he just had to keep opening random cans. Until he found his lentils, his red beans.