Shownotes Transcript
This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and producer Keisha, keep that in what Laura just did at the start. Do you know what it sounded like? White Lotus. It was White Lotus. Was it? Sorry. And then it was the start of it. That's all we need on a Monday. Okay, we all need the White Lotus. Do you
Do you know what Brit used to do before we would start episodes? Brit used to slap herself in the face to get herself in the mood. Don't tell people that. Back in the day when, you know, you would be tired, it was late at night, we would record at all hours to try and get this podcast out. It was especially when I was still working at the hospital and sometimes you'd been like on a 12-hour shift and it was 11pm at night. I would literally slap myself in the face. Not hard. I don't want people to think I was, you know, like,
Yeah, it was a ritual. Pre-record ritual, Brit would slap herself. I would laugh at her and then we were in the mood. It was like I was psyching myself up. You'd think that I was like Beyonce about to go and perform in front of thousands of people. I was like, come on, you can do this. Or like a football match or something. It was like I was really pumping myself up. Wasn't it?
a fighter. I'm not sure if this is in the Olympics or there was a coach that did that to the fighter and people all across the world were like, that's not okay. The coach slapped the fighter. Yeah. But it probably is viral. It is okay if your job is about to be punched in the face. That's different. It's not like they're going in for a promotion and their boss slaps them across the face.
That's just part of the warm-up. It's not Brit slapping me in the face to wake me up. Come on, Keisha, in a bit I'll slap you. Like if you're a fighter, that would get you psyched because you want them to be angry and you want them to be fired up. Not saying that any violence is okay, but when your job is violence, it's different.
So just so you guys do know, we are having a holiday very shortly and this episode has been recorded in the ether. Actually, it's just been pre-recorded because Brit is on her way to Italy to go and spend some time with Ben. I'm not on my way. I'm there. You're there. I'm orgasming as we speak. Well, I hope so. Why is that where you always take it to? Because I don't have sex for three months at a time and then that's what I'm going to be doing. And we're all about having unfiltered chat here. If you guys think I'm doing anything other than that,
You cook. Well, also just keep in mind that whilst you're listening to this, Brit is mid-orgasm. I'm having a hot... I'm likely not, just so you know. I also am not. What I will say is...
I'm a very family person. I can't wait. I'm looking forward to it. But my sister, Sherry J, and baby Maya are going to come and visit. The family shouldn't be included in that bridge, just FYI. Well, the problem is Ben's always had like a two-bedroom apartment with two bathrooms and it's quite big and it's been great. But he's now moved into a one-bedroom apartment because he had no time to find it. One bedroom, one bathroom. And the spare room is just a sofa bed and a lounge. The lounge pulls out. So this is a very small, intimate space.
So now I'm like, do I just shout them an Airbnb? Do I put them up somewhere? Surely if they're coming for a holiday, they can get themselves in it. They don't have to stay in the apartment if the apartment is not adequately sized. Also, they have a baby. They probably don't want to stay in the apartment. It's just really expensive over there. So you always offer, right? I'm always like, of course you guys can. They're already paying $1,000 each. But please don't. I was like,
You guys are so welcome to stay on the tiny pull-out sofa in the one-bedroom apartment. Come. Would you give up the main room for them? That'd be ridiculous. Wow. Wow.
How would I do that? I think that they're going to do half-half because Sheridan was like, look, we won't stay. We know what you guys are going to be doing and no one needs to hear that. And I was like, no, that's ridiculous. Family comes first. No, actually I come first. Family comes second. But I was like, why don't we do half-half? Stay a couple of days with us because I also want baby Maya to be at my disposal 24-7. Like I want to have access to her whenever I want.
But I was like, why don't you do three days with us and then three days in an Airbnb? So I think that's the happy medium. Well, this is, I mean, in terms of what we have coming up for you guys. So we still have an episode coming out on Wednesday and then we are taking one week off for Easter break and we will be back to normal programming after that. So, I mean, Brit is away having a wonderful time. I hopefully, if things work out and stars align, will be able to spend my first week down at the house we've been renovating down the South
Co. Oh fingers crossed. Yeah I'm really like I'm so looking forward to it. It all depends on furniture delivery so like fingers crossed that freedom comes through with like the delivery on time. Well you can't just go and lay on the ground. Well yeah that's kind of what we'll be doing otherwise. Camping in a house. Yeah but
You kind of need at least a couch or a bed or something. Like a chair. Literally the house is barren and we have all the furniture arriving at one time. So it's still touch and go at the moment as to whether that's going to happen. But that is the plan for our little Easter break. Do you know what my parents told me all the time growing up? These are these stories that come from your parents where they're like, I walked three kilometres in the snow to get to school. I will never forget my dad and my mum saying that they had a ladder in their house for nearly two years and that they had like camp furniture.
because they were building a house and they couldn't afford furniture as well. And I guess times have changed so much because now we can get furniture for so cheap. It just might not be good furniture. Totally. But I always picture them and I'm like, how did you live for two years like that? Like, surely you've added so much mayo to it. You know, that's an exaggeration. It's like when they, yeah, exactly like you said, and I walked to school with no shoes. You're like, thanks, mom. So maybe you can just have camp chairs for two weeks and teach the girls what it's like.
To live in a little bit less comfortable situation. Yeah, we'll tell them that we're glamping. But anyway, guys, we are here to answer your questions for Ask Uncut. Before we do that, it is vibes and unsubscribes. Britt, what is your vibe for the week? My vibe for the week is a podcast. It's a podcast by BBC. It's hosted by two people, one girl named Hannah, and she's the victim. And then coincidentally, her step-mom growing up, like her parents are split, but it's her step-mom, but her step-mom's a journalist.
And the podcast is called Stalked. And it's her, Hannah, telling the story herself about her experience with exactly that, this stalker. But it is so extreme and went for so many years and completely infiltrated her life. Like this person that stalked her and she was trying to figure out who it was, right? She had this guy that became a bit obsessed with her.
But then stalkers came separately and they were presented to her as people that were hacking into her phone, following her around, writing to her like they know everything about her. And she's trying to piece together who it is. And she's trying to piece together in her life who it could be. And it's her trying to figure out if –
these people that are stalking her online, the same people that she had issues with in real life. But it's different because she's telling the story from her experience. Does this have sort of like a hybrid between being catfished and stalked? Because it sounds like it has some similarities to Sweet Bobby. Sort of. She knows this, and I don't want to give too much away. She knows the person very intimately over years. They're actually friends. But the catfishing comes from
eventually him not being who he said he was. But that takes years to discover. And the lengths that he goes to to pretend his life is one thing when it's not is so extreme. But it's them...
figuring out over the years and putting the pieces together. But hearing the story from her point of view, she's very educated. She's very well-spoken. Her showing how the wool was pulled over her eyes and how extreme it was, I just found it really fascinating. And I liked that their two hosts had this connection as well. It was a great listen. So that's BBC podcast, anywhere you get your podcasts, but it's called Stalked. How many episodes is it? It's seven episodes. Awesome. My vibe this week is...
I feel like sometimes my vibes can be really like thought provoking. And then for a couple of weeks in a row, I fall into these categories where they are just such simple, basic things that I'm like, I don't know if this is too lowbrow. I like the pendulum between really, really insightful to totally basic bitch. I think we're all here for it. But there's no, I think there's no right or wrong. We can be basic. We can be smart. Not right now. Insightful.
Cooler. Educating. It is a contour legacy cool gel leg pillow. What the hell, Keisha? Okay, so we're buying this. She got it from the post office. I got it from the post office. When you go to the post office, they have so many knickknacks that I am like never –
ever thought I would need that. That's the best thing I've ever purchased. The post office, the shopping experience at the post office has no rhyme or reason. I find it the most confusing thing that's ever existed. It's like there'll be some sort of neck massage pillow next to a money box. Yes, exactly. Next to a plate that's got Peter Rabbit on it. And you're like, what is going on here? I love it. I could use all of those items. But I bought every single one. Didn't know I needed them. That's exactly what happens to me. It's such a lottery and I get so excited by the randomness of it.
So I saw this one when I was in line for, you know, the post office. I was returning a package and it was $35. And I was like, you know what? I really reckon that my back could do with a leg pillow and it is fantastic. Please describe to me what it is again. Sorry, it's a cooling what? It's a cool gel leg pillow. Keisha has a very hot house. It's a cool gel.
It's hot. It's shaped. I want you to imagine like the size of your head, but in like a kind of a triangle and one side of it is higher than the rest. So it's contoured downwards, but it's also contoured so that it goes in between your knees if you're a side sleeper. So it kind of like you sleep on the side and it goes in between your knees so that your hips are kept in a good position. And it's really good if you get lower back pain. How come you don't? Because I just, I do that every
night, but I just put a pillow in my legs. Did you need a cooling triangle, incline, contour, leg pillow? I have all of the above. I have tried so many different variations of this. I've tried like a body pillow. I even looked into getting a maternity one at one point, but they're really expensive. Yeah, but maternity pillows are lit. They are absolutely lit. And once you've had one, you will never go back to normal sleeping. That's how I feel about a knee pillow now. So this one with $35, it is
The brand is Contour. They've got different variations. Some have cooling gel in them. Some don't. I don't know if you're a hot sleeper or not. Mine has the cool gel. It goes in between my knees and it is...
This to me is the type of thing, it's so knick-knacky that I would buy it, use it for a week and then it would sit on my side table. I'd never use it again. Yeah, like I'm the queen of buying gadgets that then get discarded and that to me is what this is. Even the good gadgets, like we both did it. Remember when we bought the face mask? I was literally about to say the Omnilux mask.
The Omnilux Red Light Mask is actually amazing. It works really well. The problem is that you have to be consistent with it. I go hard for like a couple of months, then don't use it for six months. I am not consistent with anything in my life that requires any iota of effort. I just bought this thing recently. It's called a body sculpt because I was getting slammed by the ads recently.
So you go in the shower and you massage it. It's like for your cellulite. The lymphatic. Yeah. So you have to – but the problem is you've got to do each body part for five minutes a day. Oh, no one's got that time. As soon as I read the instructions on the back, I was like, oh, I'll never do it.
do that. And you only usually shower your feet. You don't even get in the shower. I literally only have a five minute shower. That would be like spending 25 minutes in there. You have a foot bath. That's about it. You're screwed. But those feet have no cellulite on them. My feet are great. All right. Look, I have a recommendation for all of the people who are really into their plant content. I'm back in my plant era. Even that one.
It wasn't consistent. Sorry, you didn't leave it. I have never left it. But I did shut up about it on the podcast for a while. But I'm back. I took over. I'm here for anyone who wants help with keeping their indoor plants alive. There is a genuinely fantastic Instagram account. It's called Sydney Plant Guy. He has 543,000 followers. So he has – there's a lot of people out there who like plants. Basically, if you are wanting to grow like – Barijuana. Yeah. Yeah.
He's like, why are you so popular? He's got a whole farm. If you want to grow hydroponics. No, like sometimes indoor plants are very, very hard to grow in terms of like having them look as flourishing as what they do when they're outside where a plant should be, right? Like a plant will grow in a crack in the sidewalk better than what it will grow inside your house. My olive tree inside is thriving. Yeah, the plastic one. Fake.
This is like, I mean, for anyone who has like, this sounds so niche, but I'm going to lean in. If you have a variegated monstera or you have plants that are expensive, that are really hard to take care of, but really also challenging to flourish. I found this Instagram, I came across it and like he's so helpful with ways in which to better like structure them so that they can grow in a way that they would naturally, but do it indoors. And it's fantastic. Like it's really easy plant care tips.
And I highly recommend it if you're a plant galley like me. You know, you never really pinpoint the moment that you're old, do you? Like there's not a moment. Is it the cooling gel knee pillow? This is what I'm saying. It's like all of a sudden it just happens. Like even a couple of days ago,
I couldn't believe how much I got off on the fact that I changed my living room around. I moved my lounge and I was like, oh, this is so good. And I was like, this is the most exciting thing that happened to me this week. You've got a leg cooling pillow and you're frothing a plant. I was like, when did it happen? When was the transition where we were like, oh, we're in this era now? Yeah. I don't hate this era though. I'm okay with it. No, I don't hate it either. And my houseplants are really happy about it too, guys. Okay. Let's get into the questions. Oh, what's his Instagram? Plant guy. Sydney plant guy. Sydney plant guy. Go and give him a follow. Okay.
Question number one. Hi, ladies. My husband's mom has his location settings on. So basically, she is able to track him at all times. She isn't necessarily controlling or making a big deal about it. But I often hear her saying things like, oh, I saw you at the pub the other night. Or why were you at work on a Saturday? It makes me feel a certain way.
Question mark, question mark, question mark. I just find it super odd, but it feels like I can't really just ask him to turn it off because then she's going to ask questions and I don't want it to come back onto me. I guess my question is, am I being ridiculous to be annoyed by the fact that my husband shares his location settings with his mother? This is funny. I have like two feelings about this. One.
I'm a true crime girl. I think it's important that someone knows where you are at all times. Just in case your husband shows up in a bin. If he disappears, yep, I think it's important that everyone – That was grim. Sorry. That's terrible. It was very specific too. I take that back. Really? Is that how you would end someone's life? Put them in a bin? My brain was like, ew.
No, I do think it's important and it's not the end of the world. Do I think it's strange that he shares his location with his mum? Probably not normal, not out of control. Do I think it's weird that she constantly checks it? Yes. The fact that she knows he was at the pub or at work. Like, basically...
Ben and I share location. I have not checked it once. I know it's there. I do not check it. The fact that she's like tapping in and out on the daily to see what he's doing, where he's at is a bit of a like there is something that needs to be let go. My question here is, is does your husband share his location settings with you or only with his mum?
He's like, nah, babe, I'm not going to share this one. But hey, mummy, I'm going to be at the pub on Friday. Hear me out. I think the reason why he shared it is because it's so not a big deal to him. Like he just doesn't care. Obviously she's asked for it. It's been shared at some point for whatever reason. He's never turned it off and he just doesn't care that his mum can see where he is because it's not a big deal to him.
It is, and I agree with you, Britt, super weird. That she checks. That she checks and that she maybe. Because you've got to actively choose that. You're like, hey, let's see where he is at the moment and then you go into the setting. But also it's weird but it also could be just harmless. Like she might be bored. She might be lonely. Like that might be her way of creating conversation. You know, he might not call her enough and it's her way of being like, oh, I saw that you were at the pub on Saturday. Like how was your night? You know, it might be her way of trying to stimulate some sort of,
deeper connection with him. I think we know what our attachment style is. Which, what is it? Attached. Attached.
But I mean, I understand that you feel a certain way about it because it is a bit weird that I don't think that you should necessarily be annoyed by it. No, it's one of those, it will cause more harm than good if you say, hey, turn your location settings off for your mum because she checks it every day, obviously. She's going to be like, why did you turn your location settings off? There's no answer other than I don't want you to know where I am or it's weird. Like there's nothing that's, unless she's showing up to where he is,
then I think you just have to leave it. Would you have the conversation with your partner though and be like, hey, is it odd that your mum – Oh, yeah. Like would you at least have that conversation so you both can be in the same page? Oh, hundy. To say like, hey, that is weird that mum does that. But, you know, at least it's then you against the mum together. It's not like him and the mum being like, oh, here, share my location, sweetie pie, come over for dinner. What happens if he doesn't think it's weird? Then you –
I mean, I know that's a whole different story. No, I think that's leaning into like the same way Matt doesn't think it's weird to put his head on Ellie's lap and get head pats. Like some people are attached to their mum and they don't think it's weird. Okay, a bit of context. No, they've heard it. We've all heard it. Okay, a bit of context around this is like what is and what doesn't constitute overstepping the line for a parent-child relationship, right? We were talking about it on the radio the other day.
And, like, Matt has an incredibly close relationship with his mum. We obviously live with his mum. Yeah. And, like, Ellie is incredible. She, like, does our washing for us. I come home, she's cooked us dinner. Like, she is a mum in every sense of the word still to us, even though we are fully grown adults and very capable of doing things ourselves. I love that you're in it now. You're like us. Well, she does. She just, like –
she's so generous and she takes such good care of us. She's a carer. She's a carer. That's like what she was put on the earth to do. She has five children. She loves giving. And she was a teacher. So she loves like, I say that because I think that says a lot about the person you are. Yeah. And also like, okay, so this might be weird for some people because they probably don't have this relationship with their mother-in-laws, but like, I'll come home from work. If Ellie's in her bedroom and I want to come and have a conversation with her, like I'll come and crawl up and lay next to her in bed and we'll have a chat, you know, like to me, that's so, that's where our relationship is at. Yeah.
Matt is the same. Or like if we're all sitting on the couch, this is the thing that Britt was like, your husband's a fucking weirdo. So we're all laying on the couch or sitting on the couch. If I'm like, I'm not giving you a head rub, Matt will just lay down and put his head on Ellie's lap and be like, mum, mum rub my head. Mum rub my head. I forgot Keisha hasn't heard this. Weird or not weird? Keisha, just be honest because I was honest. Be honest. He'll get a head massage from his mum because I don't want to do it. In her lap.
I just want to replay it to you so you can hear it how we hear it. He's turned to you for affection. You haven't provided it. So he's just flipped onto the other side to get it from his mother. That's fine. Hey, you can give him a blowjob as well, Ellie. I'm tired. Just be dry. It was so funny. There were some people in the comments that were like,
Look, we get the affection thing. It's okay. Everyone needs affection. Why does his head have to be in her lap? People are like, why does it have to be laid down with his head in her lap? Anyway, this isn't about Matt. Okay, last thing I want to say on Matt before we do move on.
I know that that probably is weird to a lot of people who don't live with their mother-in-law and have like that level of closeness. There is no part of their relationship that I look at and think is weird. I literally look at their relationship and think it is the most aspirational relationship for a mother and son to have. He has so much respect for his mum and she totally understands where my boundaries are at in terms of everything. Hey, Matt, have you ever put your head in your dad's lap for a head massager?
Yeah, but we don't have that relationship. But that's my point. It's just the people who are weird about this are like, no. I could never imagine because I don't have that relationship. Same. I would never lay down on my dad's lap and be like, that's my point. It's just not quite right. Anyway, let's move back to this. There's nothing you can do about it unless it's actually infiltrating your life to the point that
she's turning up. I think exactly like you said, Laura, it could just be a way for her to connect with her son, to have something to talk about, to make sure he's safe. She might be lonely. She might be lonely, but not even that. There are a lot of parents that have trouble letting go. It can be a really hard thing and she 100% has not let go. It's not necessarily bad. You can't ask her to not
check in on him. You can't ask him to turn his location settings off. I believe, I think that's just going to cause chaos. You definitely can't ask her not to check in. You could ask your husband to turn off sharing his location settings. The only thing is, is then it, yeah, it's like, is the juice worth the squeeze? Which we often ask. It's like, okay, she's going to know. She might say, oh, you turned your location settings off. And then like, you have to have a conversation around why. She'll feel sad. She might. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Part of me is like,
I find it odd because I don't share my location settings with anyone at all. Well, you might have to in case you end up in a bin. How will we know? I don't know. Part of me thinks it's odd. Do I think it's like damaging to your relationship? No. So like just it's okay. Location settings are hard. I only share it with my sister Sherry and Ben and –
Sherry, I always forget that I share it with people because I don't check in on people. But the number of times Sherry's called me out on something where she's like, I'm going to her house for dinner. I'm meeting her somewhere or whatever it is. And she's like, are you close? And I'm like, on my way, not far. She's like, you're literally in your house. Are you still in the shower? And I'm like, fuck. I always forget. I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck. I was like, yeah, gotcha. I'm walking out the door. She's like, you're not. She's like, I can.
that you haven't moved. That's when it can get a bit tricky. Do you think that it's an intimacy? I'm trying to think of why I find this so weird. I want to validate this person. I find this so weird.
I only share my location with my boyfriend and we've only started doing that in the last, I think, six months. He does night shifts. I like to make sure that he, like if I'm at work, that he's driven home and he's gotten home okay. And it kind of helps because he can't have his phone on him at work. So if, you know, I'm making dinner or whatever, I'll know if he's still 30 minutes away because I can see where he is.
I find that it's like quite an intimate thing between us that we, I've never trusted someone to share a location with before. Like I always found it just a bit of a weird independence breaker, you know, like I just wanted the autonomy of no one knowing where I was. So I didn't have to explain it or I don't know what it was. I was weird about it until quite recently.
So I think that that's why I find it so weird that the mum has the location. It feels like an intimate thing to me. I don't think it's intimate. I think it definitely makes him seem like he's a bit of a mummy's boy for sure. And like he hasn't necessarily kept ties. Why was it shared to begin with? Well, you never know. They could have been on holidays together. Like there could have been any number of reasons as to why it was shared in the first place. But that's why you do the one week one, not indefinitely. Like, you know, when it says, do you want to share for one hour, one week or indefinitely? Don't pick indefinitely. Yeah.
Pick one we can extend. All right. Question number two. How do two avoidance make a relationship work? I'm 29 and I finally got my hands on the man I've been plotting about for 10 years. That's so bad.
That's a long time to have feelings for someone. But also it sounds like you've finally got your hands on like a limited edition bag or something. Like something that you're like, wait, I've finally got my hands on this guy I've been plotting about for 10 years. This sounds extreme. Pining for, I think she means. Yeah. No judgment. We've always, I judge and don't listen. I mean, I listen and don't judge. I judge and don't listen. That sounds like every argument ever. I judge and I don't listen. Yeah. What? What?
You're wrong. What? Okay. We've always had a strong connection, but life has led us in different directions over the years. We've been seeing each other as exclusive friends with benefits for the last year, but things have evolved recently. We spend hours chatting, planning our future. Our communication is great. We're super compatible. The spark is strong. It may as well be on fire. Wow. She sounds wonderful.
But we have both realized that we have avoidant attachment styles, which has prevented us from going all in. Recently, we've both admitted we're in deep and would like to be together. So my question is, how do quote unquote regular people do this? I can't get my head around how to be a girlfriend and what that might mean for my sense of self and my lifestyle. I'm hyper independent, falling in love and absolutely terrified. Help.
this is interesting because on one hand you've said that you have spent heaps of time we spend hours chatting planning our future and our communication is great so it sounds like to me you're already yeah it's not avoiding you're already so far down that rabbit hole or maybe you're quite okay with the conversation part but then when it comes into the actuality of committing yourself or committing your time that's when you start to freak out my
only thing around this is like, I think that sometimes we can self-sabotage. You say you've had feelings for this guy for 10 years. You've been in a friends with benefit relationship for a year. You now finally made the commitment to give it a go.
I would say if you are having second thoughts about that or you're finding it difficult to commit to it properly, like that is deeply avoided. And it's like, be careful of the line between self-sabotage and also blaming your avoidant personality type as your excuse for this, because you're clearly very aware that you pride on your independence, you love your independence, you love having your own sense of self, you
You can maintain all of those things in a healthy relationship. You don't sacrifice all of that just because you started dating someone. Yeah, and I understand what you're feeling. I remember feeling the same thing. I'm assuming when you say you've been plotting slash pining for this guy for 10 years, I'm assuming you were probably single for most of that time. It's really difficult when you've been really independent and on your own and not dating anyone.
to then date and be dependent. And I remember feeling the same way. I remember saying to my friend, I don't know how to be in a relationship. I don't know how to be a partner. I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I don't know what the expectations are. I don't know how to share my life with someone, which is silly because everyone knows, right? Like everyone has that. But when you get accustomed to living a certain way or only relying on yourself or doing everything on your own, you said you're hyper independent. Well, it's not silly. Yeah.
No, but it's a big life change. A hundred percent. And that scares people. It scared me. I remember thinking, am I going to be with no one else again in my whole life? Am I going to be with this one person? What if this person's not right? Then you start to get in your head and that's when the self-sabotage comes in. I think you need to roll with it. Absolutely to people that are the same, avoidant or whatever your attachment is.
Any two people can be together if you're hyper aware and socially enough aware of what you are, what your communication style is and who you are. That's half the battle.
You might need to work a little bit harder than two other different types of styles that are matched together. Like there are definitely people that are more compatible, but anyone can make anything work when they understand what they are, what their partner is, what they need and what work you have to do to meet each other halfway. But I don't think, like Laura said, I'm not convinced you are avoidant. I think you're a bit scared to take the leap into this new phase of life.
because you haven't experienced it for so long. Also, sometimes when you're chasing something for so long, you've been chasing this for 10 years, all of a sudden you've got it. There's something where it's like, holy shit, like,
do I actually want this? Is this where we're going? Am I, but I think you're not avoidant. And I think, no, I think she is avoidant. I think she absolutely can be. I think an avoidant person can like know that they recognize that they want all those things in another person and they can like verbally apply themselves. But once it gets to a place where they actually have to like physically make those commitments or things are feeling like that level of indigestion,
intimacy is increasing or the closeness or that they're encroaching on their time, that's a trigger for them. And so then they start to pull away, hence the whole idea of self-sabotage. But I guess my thing is, and look, for anyone who's not 100% across like what an avoidant attachment style is, avoidant attachment styles in relationships may avoid expressions of intimacy and affection and pull back from romantic connections once they start to become too serious. It doesn't mean that they don't love their partner. They just struggle with connection.
The thing though is, and what I believe is like, if you have recognized the type of personality style that you are, you can do the work to change it. You can recognize your triggers. You can actually start to like change the behaviors once you start to see yourself doing them. You're not, and I hate this idea that we're just like a victim to our attachment style, that you can never have a great relationship because you're XYZ.
Attachment styles are fluid. They change depending on what relationship you're in, what the attachment style is of the person that you are dating. What period of life you're in. 100%. What you want, what you need, what your experience is at that point in your life. The fact that you are aware of it means that you are not a slave to it. And the fact that your partner is also aware of it means that he doesn't have to be either.
I would hope that you have enough ability to stop using it as an excuse to limit yourself in your relationships because I really think that even to people who are avoidant,
can have a really mutually incredible relationship because they understand and value what is important to each person. If independence is important to you, the great thing is, is that your partner also has that strong need for independence. You can respect that in each other. You can respect the fact that you both really want to maintain a strong sense of your own identity. It just means you're going to have to work a little bit harder to have the deeper level of communication and connection, which it sounds like you're doing that anyway, because you're talking for hours about where your future is going to be.
agree with everything. And what I want to say here is I do think that there might be a chance that you are confusing avoidant attachment style with just being scared. And I say that because everything you've said, we have a great connection. We plan our future. You literally say communication is great. We chat for hours. We plan our future. The spark is strong. We are so compatible. We want to go all in.
I think you're just scared. I actually don't think you're avoidant at all, but I think we're so used to having to put a label on everything, which sometimes we don't need to put a label and it's normal to be scared when you're going into a new chapter. It's normal to be scared to put your emotions and your heart on the line because there's a chance it doesn't work. And sometimes...
something you thought or romanticized or fantasized for 10 years might not turn out to be exactly what you need. And that can be really scary. I have a question when you say scared Brit, because I often think sometimes we speak about this idea of like being scared to lose yourself in a relationship or lose your sense of identity. But actually what I think we're scared of is being hurt.
It's not so much about the losing yourself or what the relationship could be. It's the fact that like, if you open yourself up to it entirely, then there's a greater possibility of being really deeply hurt by it. And so when you've been single for a long time or you've only been dating for a long time and haven't given yourself over to those feelings, that is like a frightening thing. Yeah. And I say, I think you're confusing the two because you've literally said all these amazing things and then you say, I'm absolutely terrified. So I don't think you're avoidant.
I think you are just scared, which is completely normal. I want to validate those feelings. What I do think you need to do is there's no right way to be a girlfriend. There's just two people that make whatever their relationship is and their personalities work. You've wanted this for so long. Our life is short. What are you scared for? Jump in. If there's a chance it doesn't work out, that's also life. And that is completely okay. It's normal. Most people, I mean, everyone at some point,
Except if you are one of those people that their first relationship at 16 is the person they marry for their life. Everyone experiences failed relationships, but they're not failed. It's just a part of the journey to find the person. My advice here is to absolutely go all in. This is not a new thing. It's 10 years in the making. Your communication is there.
You can still be hyper independent in a relationship. I mean, that's exactly what I am right now. I know it's long distance, but I would still be hyper independent if I lived with Ben because it's who my personality is. A relationship doesn't have to change you and take that away. You do have to be malleable with a partner. Like you might not be able to go away on benders for weekends without communicating that you're not going to be in contact. Like maybe things change in that sense. Yeah, but that's not independence. That's selfishness. But that's
my point. Like you can still have your independence and be all in in a relationship. My thought though is, and I think that there is a greater debt here in terms of like feeling like there is like what's on the line, the risk of what's on the line. And that's because it is someone who you've been pining about for 10 years.
The fear factor is greater because you've already built up a sense of what this relationship could be in your head. I would say that if you've been pining or you've had a crush on someone for 10 years, you've probably built them into a bit of like a magical being and
the potential of your relationship into like a magical possibility. The reality is, is you have no idea what this relationship is going to be until you give it a shot. It may not meet up to the expectations. It may exceed them. There is absolutely no way of knowing. But I think be very, very careful with what is you experiencing
excited and like invested in the potential of the relationship rather than what necessarily the relationship is and treating it as though you're starting a new relationship. Not that you're coming into this with 10 years of like life experience
excitement and like suspense around what it could be because that's definitely going to change how you feel. Question number three. Is it weird for the bridal party to slow dance with their partners? What are your thoughts on a bride making the bridesmaids and groomsmen slow dance together at the start of the night? My boyfriend is in a wedding and he has to slow dance with his partner for five minutes.
She said that in a capital, so I felt like it was important to really put some emphasis on this. Is this normal? Am I overreacting that I find it so weird? My heart rate is resting at 120 beats right now. I am that anxious. I don't think that was literal. I think that's her trying to say she's stressed. I don't think she's got a whoop on that's testing her heart rate. Maybe she does. I feel like it's very accurate. Oh, that's weird.
Five minutes is a really long slow dance. I don't know who's slow dancing for five minutes. That's multiple songs. Songs don't even go for five minutes. That's my point. That's two to three songs of slow dance. So I think that's an exaggeration. Or if she is making them dance for three songs in a row, that's fucking weird. Absolutely. This idea of making the bridal party slow dance is something of the ages. It's something that has been like a standard traditional part of weddings for as long as I can remember. I've had to do it before. It's just a part of being like, hey,
these are our people that we have chosen that are coming on the dance floor to dance. I don't think it needs to be a staple in a wedding. It does confuse me a little bit, but I understand it. And I don't think it has to be that much of a big deal. He hasn't chosen to, you're not at a wedding and he's like, Hey babes, I'm going to go and ask the bridesmaid to dance. It's a part of what that bride and groom have chosen for their bridal party to do and partake in.
It is sometimes weird. I remember the ones I had to slow dance with someone that I didn't know that was on the other side of the party. And it was weird. It was uncomfortable. We're very close and intimate. You look in each other's eyes and they don't know you. Partner's over there. Sure. It's unusual. I don't know if I'm going to make my people do it at my wedding. It's something I haven't thought about till now. Okay. Well, think about it. Are you going to make people slow dance who don't know each other?
Probably not. Or they can come on if they want with their partners or they can come on with someone. But having said that, I remember being at a wedding single before and everyone went out, the party went out with their partners instead of the bridal party. And I was just standing there like a little turtle off to the side. I was like, oh, no one wants to dance with me. You made me dance with you at Laura's wedding. Yeah. It was like the partner time because we were both single. That's my point exactly. I was like, Keisha, can I have this dance?
I think you're overthinking it. It's just a part of weddings. It has been for years. It doesn't mean that anything is going to happen. It doesn't mean he loves you any less.
I would be questioning why it makes you uncomfortable. Yeah. I mean, I read this and I think if your partner is part of a bridal party, they've been matched with a stranger or they've been matched with someone that they might know kind of a little bit and they've been asked to slow dance with them. I think that the slow dance is innocent. The slow dance doesn't mean anything. There's no like, there's no secret deep connection there. It doesn't mean he's going to run off with her. They might. Yeah.
He won't. He's not going to. I find it odd that it creates this much anxiety in you, the thought of your partner slow dancing with someone else when it's been something that's like an expectation. You know, it's interesting because like coming off the back of Dancing With The Stars, right, like you've just done it, Britt. You grind all up on a stranger. Yeah, and I did it two years ago. I was matched with my dance partner. And there is like a real intimacy there. But slow dancing doesn't have to be like, I mean, we were like doing the bloody dance
we were like up against each other, right? Like that's what that dance was. And I found it really weird because there's like a level of intimacy but then there's no chemistry but like you've just got to kind of make the chemistry seem like it's convincing. And you're supposed to be telling like a love story. You guys are in love and you're on this journey. Totally. You're supposed to be looking at each other and it's like you don't know them. Which is a very different kettle of fish.
to having a slow dance at a wedding. They don't have to be staring into each other's eyes and holding each other really close. They can just do the two-step from side to side, kind of, you know, half holding each other. I don't think that a slow dance has to be a level of intimacy that's uncomfortable. And if he's making it a level of intimacy that's uncomfortable, that's weird in and of itself. You know, people slow dance with their mums. They slow dance, like dancing is just dancing.
And to me, I guess it's like the bride has an idea of what she wants for her wedding and that's for her and her husband to be on the dance floor with her bridal party and all of them to have a dance together. It may be because she doesn't want to be like on the dance floor by herself with her husband. That might be uncomfortable for her. So I don't think it's a big deal.
And like I said, my biggest reaction to this is the fact that it is creating that much anxiety in you. Do you not trust your partner? Do you find it uncomfortable when they speak to girls or spend time with girls outside of your relationship? Like what is it about this that's that triggering for you that you are uncomfortable
literally in capitals, like I am that anxious. I think it's way more simple than that. Like I know that we're covering all bases. I think it's really simple. I just don't think you understand that it's a normal part of weddings. Maybe you haven't been to that many because you literally say, is it normal that they have to do this? They have to dance together. Is that weird? It's not weird. It's a very standard part of a lot of weddings. So I do just wonder if maybe you haven't had that exposure or know a lot of people that have gone to weddings like that. But it's like every wedding that I have ever known or ever been to has pretty
pretty much has this aspect. I can't remember if you do. Yeah, like there's no ulterior motive. Like they're not trying to like get the bridal party together, like to hook up or anything. And you can be waiting on the sidelines to swoop in. The second that that 3.5 songs and five minutes is over, like you're in there. Hear me out. Maybe she's not invited to the wedding and that's why she has the anxiety. Maybe they are a new couple.
which I would understand then if you're a new couple, you haven't been invited so you already feel a little bit invalidated in your dating and in your relationship and then you find out that your partner is going and slow dancing. What I think has happened here is that you are catastrophizing a situation in your head because you're
you are filling in the blanks. I think she just doesn't know. No, I don't think she's going to the wedding. I agree, Laura, but I genuinely just think she doesn't know. She just said, is it normal for them to slow dance? Yeah, it's normal. Totally. But my thing is, is if you were there and you were able to witness it, there's no way that you would feel as insecure as what you do now. It's the fact that you're not there. You're not witnessing it. And so therefore it's turned into a bigger thing in your head than what actually it is. Unless he's been matched with like Miranda Kerr or something.
Like I did see Courtney Cox recently. Was it a wedding in Australia? My friend did her makeup. Yeah. At the wedding. Margot Robbie, not long ago, was a bridesmaid for her friend. Like, yeah, that's where my insecurity would come from if my boyfriend had a five-minute slow dance with Margot Robbie. No, I'd be so fine. I'd be like, she's out of your league. No, I'd do it. I'd be like, tap it if you could. I was like, yeah, just for the story. No, I wouldn't.
But completely normal. The five minutes, not normal. That's weird. That's really abnormal. Did you do it, Laura? I can't remember. Did you make your... No. We didn't slow dance though. We did a silly dance. At no point did we have a slow dance in our wedding. We just went from like... My dance is going to be the slowest dance you've ever seen. We did like a mock slow dance for about 30 seconds and then we busted into like a funny routine and then everyone, the band just started playing. So everyone was on the dance floor having a party. Can you
imagine Ben doing a choreographed dance? Absolutely not. I find slow dancing, unless you're good at it, like unless you've learned to slow dance or you can do a waltz or something, I find it uncomfortable for everyone else to stand around and watch a little bit. Like when two people don't know how to dance, but they kind of look forced into just swaying from side to side, you know that they've never done it before. Well, Laura, avert your eyes. My wedding.
You might want to go to the toilet. I just find it like, why do we make people do this? Like, why is this such a tradition when clearly so many people are uncomfortable by doing it? I did read, I'm very much up on the trends at the moment, wedding trends for 2025. It's my algorithm. Choreographed dancers are out. The shame. Yeah. Choreographed dancers are absolutely out. So are entries. You know how they have entries where people dance in?
The bridesmaids? Do you remember? I had to do it once. Yeah, I've done it at most of my weddings. I've been to every bridesmaid I've... But why? Why? That just sounds like fun is out. So like you need to have this polished wedding that has no personality? I mean, no one listens to trends anyway. I'm just saying that's what the algorithm told me. I don't think people should be listening to algorithms for weddings. I think I have the wedding that you want to have. Absolutely. Yeah, and I would...
I 100% prefer a couple to do a silly choreographed dance than to watch two people awkwardly sway from side to side. Wow. Double down, Laura. I would. I am going to be awkwardly swaying from side to side. Ben does not crump. He does not do choreography. Ben will do the awkward sway. You've just had six weeks of like professional elite dancing. I'm not going to sashay around him while he stands still. Imagine if he just stands still and like sways like an elephant side to side and I'm like sashaying around him. But that would almost be like –
any man who's on Dancing with the Stars. Like if you've watched that show, most of the men don't have to dance. They just do a couple of like steps and the professional female dancer spins around them so rapidly that it makes them look good. Yeah, and they always win. They do nothing and they win. The women are doing backflips in high heels. But I will –
I'll probably try and teach Ben like one. What I'm hoping is we can make it look good. I'm hoping that 60% is swaying from side to side, but then I can put a good dip in and put one good lift in. It's got to be 30 seconds. That's it. And then I'm hoping that we can nail it. We can confuse people so much. And I'll probably have some fireworks going off to distract at the same time so people don't know where to look. Yeah.
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