919\. Catching Up with AMBER & PAUL #14
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Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. Recently, I asked Mint Mobile's legal team if big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes. And then when I asked if raising prices technically violates those onerous two-year contracts, they said, what the f*** are you talking about, you insane Hollywood a**hole?

So to recap, we're cutting the price of Mint Unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes per detail. You're listening to Luke's English Podcast. For more information, visit teacherluke.co.uk.

Hello listeners, welcome back to Luke's English Podcast. This episode features a conversation with returning guests Amber and Paul. They have been regular guests on this podcast for over 10 years now. Long-term listeners will know what to expect from this episode, but if you're fairly new to the podcast then you should know that, well, you're going to hear a

fairly natural, quite fast conversation between three friends in English. Okay, the idea is that you just can enjoy taking part. When I say taking part, I mean listening to this funny conversation in English. It might be difficult. It will probably be more challenging as a listening exercise than when I'm on my own.

It's normally easier to follow me when I'm speaking on my own, but when I'm with other people, especially with Amber and Paul, we kind of go quite quickly and we go off in different directions. So it will definitely help you to follow this if you know a little bit of background context about us and our friendship. So let me just fill you in on that. So we are all from the UK. We're all British, but we all live in France and we have done for, you know,

Well, Amber's been living in France for longer than the two of us. Anyway, we all live in France and we're British. We all have French partners and we have kids who speak both French and English.

And the three of us know each other from doing stand-up comedy in English in Paris. That's really how we met. Paul is a professional stand-up comedian, whereas Amber and I, we are unprofessional stand-up comedians. I mean, Paul does one-man shows. He tours them around France and the French-speaking world. They are often bilingual shows where he performs in French and in English.

Amber and I do stand up, but not to the same level that Paul does. What else? Amber, her background, she studied theatre studies at Clown School in Paris. Yeah, Clown School. And that's not even a joke.

That's a real thing. She did clown school for something like four years. So she has a background in theatre studies. But these days, she's a voiceover artist and a tour guide in Paris. She also does a podcast called Pan Am Podcast, which is about the history of Paris. And she has read a lot of books and knows loads of things about loads of stuff. Back to Paul. He used to work for Apple.

But he quit his job when he decided to go full time as a stand up comedian. And everybody laughed when they heard that he was quitting his job and to become a stand up comedian. Everyone laughed. But they're not laughing now, everyone. Ha ha. That was a joke. OK, we're right.

Anyway, the point of the conversation is that you can enjoy listening to a fun conversation in English. This was recorded early in January, just after Christmas. The topics include running and fitness, falling out of bed, battery issues with my phone that I was using to record the video version of this. The battery kept...

running down. It was low during the whole recording, which lends an element of drama and suspense to the entire episode. We talk about microphones and why we choose to record with handheld microphones, why we hold the microphones in our hands, which is a question that sometimes comes up when people watch these video episodes. If you'd indeed

Watch the video versions. If you're listening, then that's not really an issue for you, is it? We talk about our Christmas holidays, the food that we ate, including the fact that there are so many different types of chicken available in the supermarkets in France for some reason. We talk about family dynamics at Christmastime.

What's it like spending Christmas with different family members? We talk about Paul's Christmas rat story. You've got to check that out. That's an incredible story. A Christmas rat. Yes, a rat. The little animals. Amber gives us some insights about the lives of urban pigeons living in Paris.

We talk about how our kids speak English and more. So that's what you can expect. And I'm going to stop this introduction in just a second. I just wanted to say premium subscribers, hello. Premium episodes are coming. I'm working on that. And you'll get some premium content coming soon. All right. Now, that's enough of an introduction. Let's now get started. And let's join Amber and Paul and me from a few weeks ago. And here we go. ♪

Amber and Paul are on the podcast. Hello, guys. Hi. Hi. Hi there. I have to do the jingle first. Go on then. Yeah. Okay. I've got to play the jingle. Oh, because you do it live, don't you? I keep forgetting that you do that live as opposed to just adding it in afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Minimal work possible with Luke. He's just like, I'll just do it all live. That's because he's got to get them out. That's right. He's a machine. I've got to keep pumping out the podcasts. Here we go.

Of course, it's coming out of the wrong flipping place because I didn't click on that and click on that and then click on that and then... Okay, and here we go. Pause. ♪ Amber and Paul are on the podcast ♪ ♪ Amber and Paul are on the podcast ♪ ♪ Amber and Paul are on the podcast ♪ ♪ Amber and Paul are on another podcast ♪ ♪ Paul's a very funny boy ♪ ♪ His laugh I very much enjoy ♪ ♪ Amber's got a lovely voice ♪ ♪ If I could choose an accent, hers would be my choice ♪

Okay, hello guys, welcome back. Hi, my laugh will not be in operation today. Your laugh will not be in operation today because? Because I'm recovering from something that I was in bed with for a few days last week. Your wife or? Like, I don't know, some sort of flu thing, something. So every time I'm going to laugh, I will end up coughing. Right, like Keith Richards.

Yeah, I don't know. Is that what happens? Yeah, he kind of talks and then tells a story and laughs and then ends up coughing up his lungs. And he's still alive. I don't know how. We need to not make Paul laugh. That...

That will have to be our aim. It's very difficult, though. Strike one. Strike one. One point to Luke and Amber. No, I'm not trying to make him laugh. You know, I care about Paul. I don't want him to cough and be sick. But it's just tempting.

I'm just going to put my angry face on. I won't laugh. Be very serious for the entire episode. So, hello, listeners. Hello, everybody. Paul, what's the situation? Situation is, it is the 10th of January. And it is grey, cold. We're in the pod castle. We've just had a nice cup of coffee. Chatted about things that we can't chat about on the podcast. Yeah. And...

I was going to say it's the first time we're seeing each other in 2025, which it is. This is true. Me and Amber saw each other on day one in 2025. Really? Yeah, we brought Louise over to play a play date with Amber's kids. Okay. And that was the last glass of champagne that I've had. So I've been sober for nine days again. You're dry. I'm dry. Because you're training. Yeah.

I am training, yeah. What, again? Again. For? For another marathon. Oh, God. What's wrong with him? I don't know. What's wrong with him? He just loves the punishment. Apparently, yeah. And is your leg all right and everything? Yeah, my legs are fine now. It's just now, I mean, I should be training now, but I don't want to push it too much.

yeah i just wanted to i don't know when the last time i spoke to your listeners it was episode 900 i think around what sort of september times it was after i did the marathon after you talked about doing the marathon talked about the olympics okay so it was my yeah since then it's just kind of like i've wanted to do a marathon but uninjured just to see what it's like you know because i didn't feel like i was uh exerting myself physically i was dealing with a physical pain but it wasn't like a

an unsurmountable fitness thing where I'm like, oh God, I can't do this because whatever. So I just, I want to see what I, I guess what I'm capable of when I'm not injured. So I was like, ah, I'll sign up for another one. Okay. Well, when Paul came over, so me and my sister, my sister's been here for a month and,

And we have been training for a 5K. And it was really funny because we've been using you as an example to Nico for a while. Wait, you've been making your husband feel bad? No, no, no. I mean, yeah, obviously. But not...

because of this no because basically so me and my sister we like been going running and we were talking about oh we're going running we're going in we go the same place and stuff like that and then Paul said oh maybe I could come with you because we were planning on going the next day and we were like yeah yeah yeah maybe

Maybe, which obviously meant no, absolutely not, because we don't want to go with you. This is a British no, which is like, yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe you could come, I suppose. We gave a British no, because we'd been talking quite a lot about running. So we gave a British no, which was like, yes, you can come. And you understood everything.

It meant no. Because then when you said goodbye to us, you said to my sister, oh yeah, well, you know, see you sometime maybe if you come to a show in England. Clearly understanding, not going to see you running because you said no. Because we can't train for 5K and him train for 42K in the same space. It's embarrassing. You can. You can. You can do it. It just means I would...

Because, you know, the thing that I learned from training is that most of it should not be fast. Well, it would not be fast. I know, but that's... It'd be very slow. It helps. It helps build a... I can't remember the sporting term for it, but some sort of level of fitness is the best way to do it is to not run fast. How many... And the running fast is... It helps build...

Something else. A certain type of muscle fibres or something like that? Yeah, it's endurance versus... Speed. Yeah, something like that. How far do you go when you just go for a regular run?

Well, the one I went on before, because I did go the next day. Yeah. And this was the day before I fell in my bed and didn't get out for three days. I went for just a 3K. Wait. Just 3K? We could have done that. We did five. You fell in your bed? How do you fall in your bed? No, I meant like I fell sick and into my bed. Oh, I see. And didn't wake up for three days. I thought you were in your bed and whoops!

Which is impossible. Yeah, that would be funny. I've fallen out of bed. Have you? Yeah. How many times have you fallen out of bed? Well, recently. No, but more than I can remember because usually it's when I was drunk and when I was staying in a hotel and it wasn't my bed, but I thought, because, you know, I don't know. Do you always sleep on the same side? What? You mean if we go to a different place? Well, at home. Yeah, of course. Do you ever switch? No, we don't. Not animals. Who would do that? I don't know. I've got all my bits.

On my side. What kind of bits have you got on the side? I've got my light, I've got my hand cream, I've got, you know, anything I need. But do you not ever switch it over? Do you not ever switch over? You go, okay, I'm like... When I was pregnant. Okay. Because I had to sleep on the other side. Because you're meant to sleep on one side, not the other. Yeah, right. But it felt alien. We don't either. But I've seen people that do switch stuff. Anyway, so... But when I'm in a hotel, I'll usually...

I won't even think about the side that I sleep in, I just, I think I sleep in on the side that's near, that nearest the sockets, or nearest the one light switch that turns everything off.

Because weirdly in a hotel, you've got one side where there's a light switch that only switches your little lamp off. And on the other person's side, it switches the entire room off. So one person has total control. Exactly. And the other person is just like, I've got this one little light switch. And then the other person's like, I control everything. It's like a relationship, basically, more or less. But when you're on your own in a hotel room, you want the total control on. So I don't know which side of the bed, but sometimes it's the wrong side of the bed. And because I'm used to turning around in a certain way in my own bed, sometimes...

When I used to drink a lot and find myself drunk on my own, I'd turn the wrong way and just fall out of the bed. And you would wake up immediately or you'd just be awake in the morning? Yeah, I think so. Because my daughter sometimes will fall out of bed and she'll just continue sleeping and I'll go in there and I'll find her on the floor. Or like, what was that noise? Did you hear that? Yeah, it was a little...

Oh, my phone's got 20% battery remaining. Oh. Well, it's being charged, so that should be okay, shouldn't it, Paul Taylor? I mean, it's not an iPhone, is it? It is. Is it? It's an iPhone X. Oh.

Yeah, it should be fine. I don't know why it's... Is it plugged in? It's plugged in. Yeah, it's plugged in here. Yeah, anyway, anyway, anyway. So, all right, falling out of bed. But you didn't fall out of bed. We were talking about running. You were talking about running 3K, 5K. We've been aiming for 5K. It takes me a long time. Yeah.

Yeah, really. Very long time. Have you gotten up to 5k yet? Yes. Oh, okay. So the couch to 5k has been achieved? Yeah, but not as the couch to 5k app would like it. No, because the couch to 5k app wants you to have a 5k race at the end of it, I imagine. It wants you to just run...

continually for like 35 minutes that's the sort of oh okay it thinks in 35 minutes plus five minute walk warm up and cool down right is which is i mean 45 minutes you're gonna you're gonna go 5k um but we like a run walk approach okay that's what we like walk run walk yeah yeah

We're like a little walk break. Yeah, I get it. I get it. Okay. And the other reason I was excited about the marathon, just to finish on that, was because I did my first race in December where I wasn't injured. It was a 10K. And it just felt like getting off stage.

in front of an audience that has just understood everything that you do and it just is you just go that was out right that was like the feeling was so good I was like ah finally after a year of starting running and of doing races and of being injured and all this kind I finally got the runner's high that everyone talks about yeah and it was it yeah so I did like a 10k in I think it was like 49 minutes and

It's fast. That's fast. Is it? It's not bad, yeah. It is fast because they sort of, like, I think about 55 minutes is considered quite a good time for 10K. For, like, you know, someone who's kind of fit, they're okay. You know, of course there's people which can do 10K in half an hour, you know, or ofs, but, like...

If you can do it under an hour, that's actually a really good speed. I think the average of everyone that's running on the planet, because the statistics, I think the average is like 57 minutes or something like that. So you're better than most other humans. Yes. With 49 minutes. So I was very happy with that and I was like, right, I'm doing the marathon, let's go.

Yeah. All right. Wow. He's built for running. He's built for speed. Speed and endurance. And beer belly still. Have you? Yeah. Well, I've still got a beer belly. Did you drink during the Christmas break? Oh, I didn't not drink. You didn't not drink. So you drank? For like three weeks solid, basically. Okay. So you need to get back in training. And so that's why we had a cheeky

bottle of champagne on New Year's Day. We had a bottle of Carver. Did Amber get drunk? No, I was very restrained. It wasn't like the last time. That was funny. I'm going to draw a veil over that because I don't think I was actually there. I don't remember anything. Between Amber and her son thieving, conniving, I think we talked about that before, but

But no, we, yeah, it was just. It's my daughter's turn to shame herself at your house. We were five adults though. So two bottles between five adults is all right. Yeah. We mixed it with orange juice. New Year's Day. Oh yeah, it was. It was mimosas. Okay, yeah, so fine. It's fine. Fine. It's fine. So Amber and Paul are on the podcast. Thanks so much for coming back and being guests again. Thanks for having us back. And thanks for maintaining this podcast alive. Mm.

Yeah. I feel like it's the one constant apart from maybe seeing each other on standup shows. It's the one constant because when we see each other on standup shows, there's other people there. Yeah. But it's like the one constant for what? 12 years now. Yeah. We've known each other 2013. Yeah. We've known each other since 2013. Yeah. Um,

2012 2013 and I think you both came on the podcast maybe a year or so after that yeah you know it was early days yeah that we we got on the podcast you're pregnant with Hugo at the time so we've been doing this for yeah over a decade yeah yeah this is I don't know how many times you've been on the podcast now it's loads possibly even getting on for a hundred times really it's over 50 it's over 50 really I wouldn't have said 50 a lot of the a lot of the um well sometimes you do a double pod don't we

Oh, yes. It's 50 episodes. We've done a lot of episodes together. You two are frequently named by listeners as among their favourite guests, along with my family members. So people talk about members of the family and you two as well. My question is, what do you think the appeal is? Why do people enjoy listening to our...

tangential nonsense. What's the appeal? I think it's the same reason I love TikTok. And like, you know, a random person comes on and they're just like, oh, I was on the bus and I heard this woman complaining and I'm like, tell me more. I don't know these people. I don't know anything about it. I'm invested. And like, yeah, just, you know, you get to, you hear people. It's like lots of podcasts you listen to for a long time. You sort of get to know the people and you sort of, they just become a part of your life too. Yeah.

And because Paul's a very funny boy, his laugh I very much enjoy. Yeah, absolutely. Except today. Except for today. Amber's got a lovely voice. If I could choose an accent, hers would be my choice. Well, you're listeners, actually. Yeah. Because it goes both ways. When I first started going on the podcast, I'd started doing voiceover. But I didn't think I was very good at it. I was like, oh, you know, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time and they needed an anglophone.

And then everyone kept saying, oh, your voice is so nice. I thought maybe I should do more voiceover. Gave me confidence. Okay. And now... It was a boost. Now she's installed a recording studio booth in your own house. Yeah. And you're making sweet cash. Sweet cash.

Money. I needed to add something about the fact that we are holding microphones. We are using, listeners and video viewers, we're using handheld dynamic microphones, the ones that you see being used by stand-up comedians, and they are not in microphones.

microphone stands and i'm mentioning this because there's always one person who watches the video version always who comments about the fact that we are holding microphones so and i've i've asked you this before but i'm going to ask you again do you mind holding the microphones during the recording

Do you mind? Have you asked this before? I have asked you that before, very briefly in the past. I'm doing it again now. You don't remember? I feel like... It's not a test. Hold on a minute. It's funny because when you started talking and you were reading off your phone there and you were like, oh, I have to do mention we are holding microphones. I thought you were going to go, and this episode is sponsored by Rode microphones. Unfortunately not. We do. Although, you know, any microphone... Actually, I did get sent a couple of microphones by SE Electronics. Oh.

in the past uh you know great these aren't sc electronics you can't really do a stand when there's no space to have when you do it on your own you have the little arm right i do well you've got a second one here a second one here but i don't have a third one but does it bother you this is the question does it bother you to be holding the microphone in your hand it seems like a trick question it's not a trick question at all it's a straight question dealing with uh a common um

doubt or a common, even criticism, I would say. Oh, because people think that it's difficult for us. Oh, but we do this as a living. This is our job to be on stage and hold a microphone like that. I mean, our job. It's one of our jobs. Yeah, definitely you. Yeah, I pretend to. Exactly the same response you had last time I asked you that question, which was a few years ago in this very room. I don't remember. You said, yeah, there's no problem. This is our job or at least my job. So people ask that because they think it must get tiring. It's...

you know, they can't understand why we don't have them in stands and they imagine that this is really difficult for us. Okay. But it's, is it? I think they're throwing shade. They're throwing shade on... On the English. Like, we're so feeble that even this sort of paltry microphone is too much for our sort of...

No, it's no bother. It's not a problem at all, is it? In fact, in my experience, for recording a podcast, it is... It's better. In many ways, it's better. Well, because when it's freestanding, you talk a bit like this, and then you...

the microphone's not moving with you but your arm you can we're more attentive to keep it close to our mouth like if you were talking if we were on microphone stands and then suddenly i was like what's this thing back here is this a book i'd be like oh the book's over here yeah this book here whereas if you're holding a handheld i can just bring the handheld with me and go this is robin ince i'm a joke and so are you that's a great book do you know what i mean whereas if i was doing that on the stand here i'd be like oh look this book i'm a joke tell me more about this one luke

Absolutely. Yeah, exactly. So it actually results in better quality audio. And having microphones in stands is actually more uncomfortable. People imagine that holding them is uncomfortable, but it's more uncomfortable to have a microphone in a stand when you're recording for about an hour.

Because the microphone is in one position. You have to be in one position. So you get a pain in your neck, your back gets stiff because you're stuck in one position. But when it's in your hand, you can move around and you get that freedom and it's actually more comfortable. So it's more comfortable for us. You get a better sound for you. Why do we not have lapel mics then, which would free our hands? Still not as good sound though, a lapel mic. They need to be really quite a fancy lapel mic before it's going to...

match this agreed I still I imagine that might be a question that comes up if people have been asking like well alright cool you're talking about these mics but what about the ones that you see on a TV show lavalier mics lavalier but then they have both they'll have a lapel mic and they'll have a boom

Sound is so important. Like it's so key, you know, I mean, if I'm doing a voiceover, of course it's fixed, but then I'm fixed and I'm just reading stuff off of a screen. So you can kind of move, but you're always in the same place. But yeah, these are much better for, I mean, like stand up. It's, there are a few comedians who, who put the mic still and they don't hold it. There are a few, but it's very particular type of comedy. Um, um, what's her name? Um,

The French comedian. Blanche Gallo. It was Blanche. I was like, what's a Charlotte? No, Blanche. She does that. And so she's got this very centered sort of style of performing. But it's unusual. She stands perfectly still. You couldn't imagine someone like Lee Evans having the microphone in the stand because he's so...

mobile. Well, he's got a... He doesn't even have one of these. He has a Britney Spears. Madonna, Britney Spears kind of thing, yeah. Like Michael McIntyre, stuff like that, who move around a lot. But that's like the other extreme. Most people are just sort of moving naturally. They need a mic. And in stand-up, I find that having a mic in my hand allows me to... I can use the mic position to get closer to the microphone sometimes, you know.

If you let her go, no, that'll be the end of it. You know, that sort of thing. You can sort of deliver punchlines a bit better by speaking into the microphone. Yeah. So that's that. Well, Paul does that as well because he does quite like a shouty delivery. Yes. And so sometimes he'll take it away and just give that kind of like off-mic shoutiness. And it's really fun because, you know, you are playing with sound. You've got a lot more control. Yeah. There's a comedian that did an imitation of somebody falling out of a helicopter and just being like...

Pulling the microphone away from his mouth while he's on stage is very good. Mic technique. Yeah, that's right. The Frank Sinatra technique.

The Frank Sinatra. He was all... Oh, yeah, really? Did he use the microphone? I didn't know! Yeah. Yeah. So, guys, as you said, it's January. The weather's terrible. You're both dressed in black and I'm in blue, which was sort of black and blue. I missed the email. I should have worn black as well. Oh, last time you both wore black. Yeah. One of these days we'll all end up wearing black or something. But anyway, Christmas. How was your Christmas slash New Year? We heard about your New Year's Day. What about your Christmas...

Christmas was great. Yeah? Because? My sister was here. And so we were all together. And my in-laws came. And usually, we're quite mean. We do like a bingo of my in-laws' most annoying habits. Your in-laws are French, right? They're French. So my partners, my husband's...

Yeah. So you do a bingo for things they will say. Can you explain? You know how like when someone does really annoying things, but you've got to see them. And so instead of being like, oh, my God, I hate that. You put it on a bingo card. Yeah. So like, you know, my mother-in-law will make some sort of snide comment about like tea towels, you know, about how, you know, or like napkins or something like that.

And or she'll like tell like a sob story. She'll make a comment about how clean they are or what? It could be a whole array of snide comments you might have about my tea towels. Yeah. Um,

Then she'll tell a sort of sob story from her youth, you know, how she never had Christmas. She was working on the farm, you know, kind of things like this. You know, basically my children are indulged. They'll buy gifts that no one wants. They'll, you know, she'll make a big deal about if she's used new wrapping paper rather than recycled wrapping paper, you know, stuff like that. And then, you know, my father-in-law will repeat a story we've all heard like for the hundreds.

time, like at least more than once in that same evening, you know, he'll back up some sort of spurious argument he's got with science that no, you know, that he's made up, you know, he's just making stuff up and like it gets really, it gets annoying, right? Or like, I'll do something, I'll be snidey to my, you know, I'm on the bingo card too. I'll be,

mean to him but I'll do it in a way that he's not quite understood so he can't come back at me then you know the kids are on it so everyone everyone you know family bingo card of an annoying behavior that you all do and and you've got different bingo cards with different annoying behavior or it's just that you have to try and notice who's playing the bingo just you and your husband Nico's on the bingo card he's gonna go off for a nap at one point and like so like we're all on the

bingo card like we recognize our own faults right so we made the bingo card as as always and then because my sister was there and she doesn't speak French or not really well my in-laws were speaking in English and they were so charming in English they were so much more sweet and because maybe they were speaking in English they were reminiscing a lot about like the travels they'd done before before they'd had Nico and one of these big travels they did was like to an

New York and they traveled all around the states and they were living in New York in the 70s. Yeah. And of course it sounded wild like New York Manhattan in the 70s. They don't speak English. She's working in this like French restaurant. He's doing something out. She comes home and all the money's in tips. They're taking Greyhound buses around. They have to go to Harlem in the 70s to get some sort of visa extension and yeah.

So they're kind of living these really fun stories. And of course, they sound really delightful because, you know, they've got these French accents. Oh, we were there. It was so much fun, you know. And I was like, this is only ever speak English. So they were delightful. The food was delicious because I was like, no more sea insects because I hate that. Because that's the thing the French do. They eat shellfish, lots of prawns and sea insects, as you say. Sea insects, yeah. Yeah, OK. But you didn't have that then? No.

I was like, no sea insects. So we had like nice food and they were funny. And yeah, it was good. It was really good. Fantastic. Great time. Really good. We had a similar experience. We didn't go to my parents. Yours always sounds fun. Well, we didn't go to my parents this time. We gave them a year off just to recover from all the other Christmases where my mum has to do all the work. And plus, you know, we've got like, you know, an 18 month old who...

It exhausts everyone at the moment. So we just gave them a week off and we went to, rented a place in Normandy and went there. For Christmas Day? For Christmas, five days over Christmas. And they came over? No, no, they didn't. It was just us and a friend of ours and we just hung out there, went to the seaside, walked along the beach and stuff. It was great. Really good. Had a really good Christmas evening.

meal ate far too much. What did you eat? It was a it was a chapeau right? A kind of chicken sort of. Capon. Yeah. Capon. Yeah. A kind of poultry like a big chicken. It's funny how It's like a male chicken. Is it a male chicken? Is it like a rooster? Is it like a sort of

They have that in Game of Thrones. Really? Yeah. A capon. Do they? Yeah. Of course they are medieval. Medieval feet. It's just funny. I find it funny that in a French supermarket...

Certain things come out in certain times of the year. Yeah. You know, like, you go out now and try and find a chapon. You won't find one anywhere. Chris, the Yuletide period is a terrible time to be a bird in France. But it's like, fuck him. Isn't it? I mean, either you're going to get your head chopped off and eaten, or you're going to get fed until your liver explodes. Oh, yeah. Those poor birds. But you have, like, there's, like, five different types of birds. We were at the supermarket getting the chicken...

For our Christmas dinner, because there's only three of us. One, two, three. Yeah, adults. My mum and my wife and I. And I was just like, oh, we'll just get a chicken. And I went to the chicken fridge and it was like five different words for poultry that were just different sizes. I was like, I know chicken and poultry.

Turkey. Yeah. I didn't know any of the three other things. Wait, but they're also all kind of like different types of chicken, aren't they? They are. They're all the same. I mean, you could imagine there would be chicken, duck, turkey and goose, maybe, if it was like a special supermarket. Oh, of course, yeah. But you're talking about all these different types of chicken. Yeah. Right. Right.

Basically. Big chicken, small chicken. Farm bread chicken. Medium chicken. Medium chicken. And they've all got different names. It's not just small, medium, large. It's... Yeah. I can't remember. I can't remember them now. Poulet fermier, poulet... No, but that's right. No, no, but they've got different... It's different to poulets. Actually got different names. Because I looked it up, you know, on word reference for the translation. Yeah. Oh, it's a male thing. I'm like, well, it's just a fucking chicken then.

What are you talking about? Big chicken. Okay. So how was your Christmas though, Paul? Well, so my mum was over and it was going to be chill. The day before Christmas Eve, we had my friend Jay Swanson American round. On the 23rd? 24th. 24th, Christmas Eve. He came out for Christmas Eve. Yeah. And, you know, we had a good time. I cooked some sea insect, some scallops.

The scallops of St. Jack. The nuts of St. Jack. St. Jack's nuts. St. Jack's nuts, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Delicious. And then I think he left about one in the morning.

and so we were you know at one in the morning we were right it's time to get the presents out put them under the tree yeah uh bite some of the carrot eat some of the biscuits drink the milk uh put the presents under the thing write a little card from santa uh for so that the next morning uh when uh louise wakes up uh

Daddy Christmas has been with the reindeers and stuff. Gaslighting your daughter in the traditional way. Exactly. Just convincing her that there's Father Christmas. Side question, does she still believe in Father Christmas? Yes. She's five. She's five. We think this might be the last year, though. My daughter was over it, I think, by...

5 slash 6 yeah it's just you're cotton on to it we took a little video in bed the night before just the three of us being like oh daddy Christmas is coming my wife's like why are you doing this video I'm just like oh are you excited and then when my wife and I walked out I'm like I just took the video because I think this is the last one do you know what I mean so anyway

We started doing the stuff. Whatever. I'm upstairs bringing down or getting some of the presents ready. And I hear my wife scream and calling me down like, There's somebody in the house. I'm like, what the hell? So I leg it down. Father Christmas. Yeah, of course there's someone in the house. It's Christmas Eve. So I run down the stairs and there's a rat running.

A massive rat. A Christmas rat. A Christmas rat. Oh my God. In, like, stuck behind the radiator of the front door of the house. So the noise was coming from the front door, so my wife thought somebody was trying to get into the front door. But then we saw that the cat was...

Like snooping about behind the thing. And there's this massive rat behind the radiator. Stuck behind the radiator? Stuck. As in he's not wanting to come out. Oh, he's like hiding behind the radiator. And the radiator is like... It's like one of these ones. A heater, right? No, but it's like a... Imagine this being stuck to the... If you're listening to this, it's an old radiator that has glass.

gaps between the heating elements like an oil filled radiator which has got gaps between each part yeah so but this is stuck to the wall it's not like a an independent heater yeah and so the rat is is behind the thing so we can see it through the radiator but we can't access it right yeah and we're like okay well what are we doing like we're just at first it's like two o'clock in the morning at this point we're like all right well let's see what the cat does

Yeah, because that's the cat's job, isn't it? It's like, right, this is it. This is your moment to prove your worth. The cat's looking around, trying to grab it and trying to figure out something. He can't, he's not really doing much. Yeah. It's like, okay, so then, you know, you start like tapping the radiator to make some noise to see if they're... All the while we've opened the front door that's next to the radiator to see if he just wants to get out. Yeah. And he's not, he just, nothing. It's just like we're sitting there for 20 minutes just going, what do we do? What, like...

Okay, trying to figure out things. We're trying to find objects in the house that we can poke the rat through the gaps in the radiator to get him to move. But then also, we're like, well, if he then starts running inside the house, we're trying to barricade off the corridor with Louise's gym mats. You know, like the IKEA foldable gym mats. So we've created a barrier. So we're trying to...

You know, trying to figure out a way to get the mouse. And the mouse starts going back and forth. Mouse or rat? Sorry, the rat. Yeah. It's trying to go back and forth. The cat doesn't know what... The cat's like half scared. Like, you're an idiot. What are you doing? Like...

It's half yours. Kill it. Just take it and... What are you doing? Does your cat normally deal with rodents of any... He brought in a bird two days ago. Okay. He's brought in mouse, mice. He killed a pigeon, which was much bigger than this rat. All right. Fair do. So we're like, what are you doing? But this is a rat, though. This is serious. Yeah, apparently. It's a whole different couple of fish. And so, like...

We don't know what to do at some point. And then it starts going... Because the cat sort of, you know, whatever. And it just starts making this ungodly noise. I don't know if you've heard a rat cry. It's just like...

And it's just, it's like, it's so agonising. Like, oh, this poor little thing. So like, oh, let's lure it out with some cheese. So we got those little, like, soft cheese for kids. You know, the little cubes, the apéritif that we have here. Like, the little flavoured soft cheese. We put it out, like, in front of the radiator, just waiting to see what would happen.

And the cat went and ate the fucking cheese. Oh my God. Ratten said, now it's getting really late. It's like 3.30 in the morning. We know we're going to be up in three or four hours. Like, we need to get this fucking rat out. So I decide to go into the garden and get the garden hose. Yeah.

Drag it through the house to hose the radiator with water. Is your door open? The front door? The front door's open. Because it's cold. Like, it's the middle of the night, it's cold, and you're, like, about to flood your flat. Another question. Yeah. Not that this is the lying game. This is real. Yeah. How did it get in? Do you know? We don't know. We still don't know. And that's the... I think it might have been because Jay, when he was leaving...

The Uber cancelled a couple of times so we were in and out of the door and that's the only thing we can do. We hope that's how we got in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I'm trying to hose him out. Really? You're spraying water in your own home? Yeah, like a fireman. You know when they're at protests and they're trying to hose the protesters? Water cannon. He's water canoning. I'm walking inside my house. The house is now flooded. Oh, God. The rat hasn't fucking moved. He's holding on for dear life behind... Is the radiator on as well? Yeah. Is it warm? Yeah. So the rat's like, actually, no, this is fine. I think I'm fine here. So I'm tired. We're also drunk. I'm drunk...

tired, anticipating the hangover and the no sleep the next day. I'm like, I'm killing it now. I don't care. I need to find something to stab this little shit. So the only thing I could find was an umbrella. Oh my God. The most English thing ever. So I got the umbrella out and I'm like, because I know if I poke it and I miss it, it's going to scurry. Right? Yeah. So I...

I get it, but I get it in the wrong... Like, just in its side. And I just hear it going... Oh, no. Oh, poor thing. And I'm just, like, holding it there. The cat's losing his mind. He's, like, even... He legs it. He's even more scared. Oh, no. And then, sort of, like... You know, I let go for a second. And then it sort of scurries around. I'm like, oh, God, that didn't work. I need to go for the head. It needs to be a headshot. And it needs to be hard. Right? Oh, God. The poor little thing. So...

I understand the desperate measures. Desperate times mean desperate measures. It's four o'clock in the morning by this point. And so I get the umbrella and I get his head in the perfect spot. Yeah. And I go, pa, miss the rat, snap the umbrella in two. Oh, no. LAUGHTER

Oh, God. I thought you were going to say the rat grabs the umbrella or something. Like, super rats. Maybe you did. You might have done. And then... I don't know how... I can't even remember how we got him out in the end. At some point, he ended up in a little thing and I managed to scurry him out and then he...

He ended up going out the front door eventually. It was like four or 30 in the morning. Yeah. So our Christmas day was horrific. It was like no sleep. My mum was there. She, she hadn't, I mean, she had slept normally, but she doesn't like getting up at seven in the morning. Right. She's 77 years old. So when you're that old, you want to sleep in for a little bit. So we, we opened the presents. We were like, you know, like, oh, he's been, yeah, he's been, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, Louise has no idea what happened. Santa came, all right, and tried to stab him in the head with an umbrella. So Christmas Day wasn't great. The rest of it was very tranquil and chilled out. But that was a Christmas day to remember and forget. It's terrifying. Rats. Oh, it was horrific. And now, like yesterday, I left a house and...

And I had like, it was raining a little bit, but my jacket had, you know, like some more water on it. I'm like, that's weird. It's like oil or something. I must have brushed past a car or tree sap. You know, so I smell it. I'm like, oh, that's horrific. I'm like, what is that? And when I get home after a day out, I asked my wife, like, smell that. What do you think it is? She goes, I think that's cat piss. I'm like, what?

It's like cat when they do their... Spray. When they spray for marking their territory. Marking their territory. I'm like, oh God. What cat spraying your... Ours. In the house. Because I think because of the rat. Because of the rat. And the rat smell is still around. He's decided to like piss up the wall and piss up the... Maybe he's warning other rats. Don't come here. Maybe that was an unfortunate incident for your coat. It's like the whole house stinks of cat...

It's urine now. Isn't your cat... An arsehole, yes he is. But like, you know... He's a French cat. He's fucking useless. But didn't you neuter him? He doesn't do his job properly. We did neuter him, of course we neutered him. And he's still spraying. He's still spraying. Well, maybe he's protecting you from future rat. It could also be because we took away his bird that he brought in.

And I was like, no, you're not bringing in a dead bird into this house. Don't they bring the birds for you, though? That's a gift for you. It was a mark of respect. Apparently that's because we read up about it in the last couple of days because we're like, we need to figure out what's going on here. Apparently they bring it back in because it's the comfortable place where they know that they're safe and they can eat it safely without being attacked. I was going to say, if they bring in a mouse, that's a gift. If they bring in a bird, that's an insult to you. According to the law of the cat world.

Like a bird is like a big insult. I don't know. I'm just making it up. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's like a big... I was following you. I was like, oh, really? It's a cute little bird as well, like a little blue... A blue tit or something, was it? Yeah, it's a something blue tit. I can't remember what it's called. Like the one on the wall behind you there. Oh, yeah, a little bit. Something like that. A blue tit. Yeah, and obviously it's good because also our daughter's not so traumatised about death, you know, because she sees the cat killing stuff and she's like, oh, the animal's dead.

With like zero emotion. We were talking about... That's not my experience. Our cat killed a mouse, which is kind of why we got her to kill mice, because she had mice. She killed this mouse. She left it on the mat of our door. And then my daughter was really upset. And then we had to write a message to...

to warn the other mice and leave it out like be careful there's a cat like don't come around so now you wrote that in English yeah the mice they can read so the first of all the mice in Morteux speak English yeah absolutely they can read English she illustrated it to help them understand as we left the note out subsequently there have been other dead mice and I have to like swoop down on them quickly because so she doesn't see them yeah

I used to have a cat when my family lived in the countryside and the cat was just, you know, a voracious hunter. And he would catch squirrels and you'd see him sometimes. Squirrels? Yeah, squirrels, rabbits, squirrels. Rabbits? Yeah. During the day he was a domesticated normal cat. At night he would turn into like beast mode. Sounds like your son. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's another story for another time. Yeah. But yeah, the cat would go off and he would be catching rabbits and squirrels. I saw him catch a squirrel once and he bit its head off in front of me as well. And we would sometimes come down in the morning and on the mat there would just be a tail.

Like a rabbit's tail, just the tail. Or a little spleen, just like one little organ just left on the mat and it's consumed the entire rabbit except for one thing. It's like, oh my God, this is our little fluffy cat whose name was Posey. Absolutely terrifying monster. It was a boy as well.

Maybe it's like Call a Boy Sue. You know, it's... Man Calls... Yeah, that Johnny Cash song. Yes, exactly. Great song. Hey there, Ryan Reynolds here. It's a new year and you know what that means. No, not the diet. Resolutions.

A way for us all to try and do a little bit better than we did last year. And my resolution, unlike big wireless, is to not be a raging a**hole and raise the price of wireless on you every chance I get. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited. See mintmobile.com for details.

So rats, yeah, I was thinking about rats. I saw a rat on the way to work yesterday. Did you? It's Paris. Yeah, but I was walking to the British Council across Avalide, the Esplanade, and there was just a rat running in front of me. Took a video of it as well. Did you? Yeah. Do you want to see the video? Yeah, of course I want to see the video. Okay, but like in the town hall, in the merry, in front of the merry. Which town hall? Our town hall. Here's the rat.

Oh, yeah, just running around. Just running around in front of me. Oh, lovely. Listeners, you can't see this, but just imagine a little rat running along. Not that little. It's not that little. It's not that little. Quite a chunky fella. Yeah. Well, in the town hall in front of us, there's like a little bit of, it's a little bit green, there's a little bit of space, but like sometimes. Yes. Sorry, there was another noise. My phone camera has got 10% battery remaining. Why is it struggling so much today? I don't know. It doesn't seem to be charging. Hmm.

But anyway, so we were there and it was like dusk, so like nightfall. And then that's when the rats come out and they were sort of running around. I can't remember which one of my kids said it, but then they were like, can we go and see the rats? And I thought, oh, the urban children. It's so sad. Oh, can we go and watch the rats? Mummy, can we go see the rats?

the rats having a night when they come out oh horrible before it's too late otherwise we'll miss the rats let's go we can still catch the rats have you ever had an encounter with a rat in Paris I used to have pet rats did you yeah

Yeah. Yeah. Well, they make quite good pets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're chunky. They're a chunky rodent. Not like a mouse. You can't really play with a mouse. Rat, you can have a nicer play. I don't know. You just see rats all the time, don't you? You do. Do you want to see some fun facts about rats? Sure. They have a very good memory. So that rat will not forget your hospitality. But will he tell the other rats like crows do? Well, apparently they're very social animals, especially at Christmas. Yeah.

Which is why this one wanted to come and spend Christmas with the Taylor family. They enjoy a bit of eggnog. Rats are very suspicious, which is not a surprise because whenever I see one, I always think, what's that rat up to? But it doesn't mean suspicious in that way, that they are suspicious of things. So if you put a trap down, the rat will be like, not quite sure. I don't think so. Yeah.

So... Did you just look this up now? Or did you have this ready to go? I may have had this ready to go. How did you know... I can add some information to rats. Because you mentioned the fact that... Oh, did I mention the rat? You mentioned the rat thing, but he didn't tell me the story. Oh, okay. I had that... Oh, you had it lined up. I had it lined up. See, listeners, you've got one of the most professional interviewers on the planet, ladies and gentlemen, where he's like, oh, we've got... Don't come with anything prepared. However, he knows the stories. He knows what... He knows how to...

knew that that was coming yeah pro podcaster yeah you were gonna say something amber i was gonna say he's got a million followers on the wall mate absolutely i mean work got them all pinned to the wall there hard

by their tails you need to comment in the comments below just saying Luke's a pro and we'll see how many with a little rat emoji oh Luke Luke's a pro with a rat emoji in the comments go now pod pro pro pod pro pod rats are very clean and actually hate getting dirty so they must be very unhappy

all the time right yeah especially when they're being sprayed with water maybe he was that was his happiest it was when he was getting sprayed with water I suppose it's where the standards are yeah like they could be like clean for a rat can still be covered in faeces like this is true it's very hard yeah rats are colour blind and have very poor eyesight apparently so if you do see one you could safely give it the finger and you'll be alright yeah

You can't remember what you can't see, right? Yeah, exactly. Rats are excellent climbers, jumpers and swimmers. Apparently they can jump 70 centimetres, which is about up to the height of a desk. And they can jump horizontally about 120 metres.

which is 120 meters lengthways horizontally apparently no that can't be right 120 centimeters you're safe i was like that's really you saying bolt can't even run 100 meters i'm a pro podcaster yeah yeah it's 120 centimeters sorry that's that would be ridiculous

quite a difference. We were imagining it and that's why we were concerned. They can fly apparently. Some of you did already know rats have sharp teeth.

And their teeth are constantly growing, which is quite a terrifying thought. All rodents. Yeah, just constantly growing. That's why they have to gnaw on bits of wood and stuff to wear the teeth. They're like nails. They just keep growing, so they have to cut them down. Interesting. They have an incredible tail function.

So, great. And there are more than 60 species of rat in the world, unfortunately. And rats breed non-stop. So they're just constantly shagging, constantly shagging each other all the time. At least someone is. There is a department of the police which is just dedicated to dealing with pests in Paris, which includes...

and pigeons and cockroaches and any nuisibles, you know, any kind of like stuff like that. Yeah. And we went to that department to interview the people who were in charge of it. I know. The exciting life, Eileen. You went to...

interview the people in charge of dealing with the rats who's for what purpose well that's a very good question did you already have that list of things brought sadly i did not have that oh you weren't a pro i was not a pro yeah was it for pan am podcast no no no no no no it was way before that so it was when i was in clown school when i was in theater school okay and we had to do a project where we went to like a sort of secret we we went to something kind of unusual and

And we turned it into theatre. So somewhere where people don't usually go. And so we decided to do it about rats.

rats and pests pests basically and then we found out that like there's this one woman so I had friends in the same group they went and interviewed this woman who like rehabilitates pigeons so she looks after all the sort of pigeons and like you know because pigeons I thought you meant like criminal or drug addicted pigeons also exactly rehabilitate them get them back into work you know like get them off get them off the drugs yeah

pecking around again yeah yeah don't you know they've lost a little foot pigeons eat in the most stupid way have you seen oh there's yeah is it daniel kitson he did a routine about that i don't know about daniel kitson but there's this woman on tiktok and so she says she's got a whole thing she's like come with me for a day in london as a pigeon as what i eat and so she's just got like these pigeons and she'll be like i started off in the morning with a bit of leftover takeaway it was

delicious with the girls and it's just these pigeons pecking on this like takeaway and then like all the sort of like random places that pigeons eat because it's pretty gross but the way they eat is that they there's the food on the ground they go and peck it and then they throw it over their head

They just throw it right over their head behind themselves. Do they? It's the most ridiculous way to eat. Imagine if humans did that. It's like, oh, a bit of fish and chips. Lovely. Just eat it and then just throw it all over your head. It's their way of, I think, breaking stuff up. I've never seen that. I also think the... I think the... It's like if you've got...

The thing that you... Like a piece of bread, let's say, on the floor. Yeah, and they don't know how to... They will peck into it and then flick their head back in order to break a part off of it. But I also have a feeling that it might be because they're social animals that it means that the food does get spread around a bit more. So if one of them pecks at the food, it gets flung in the air and then another one can have a go and it sort of benefits the group rather than the individual. You don't get one massive pigeon...

and lots of other little ones. Instead, it sort of spreads the food around a bit. But they're ridiculous birds, aren't they, really? Well, no. No? They're rather majestic, magical birds, aren't they? Oh, okay then. I mean, they saved many lives, the pigeons. Oh, this is true. In what, in World War II? World War I, I believe, and World War II. They were, I mean, pigeons are feral. They're not wild.

So, you know, we've done them dirty, basically. By, yeah. Abandoning them. By setting up cities and then allowing them to live in them and get all dirty. Well, we domesticated pigeons. Oh. And then we were like, oh, we don't want pigeons anymore. But the ones we see flying around, those are still wild, aren't they? They're wild, but they're a sort of feral animal. So they're not meant to be wild. This is not where they would, you know, kind of live. And they're not very well adapted to it. Because their feet go all wrong, don't they? Have you seen that? Yeah. Yeah.

Do you know why that is? They get some sort of infection on their feet. Well, I know this actually. Go on. Is this what you learned in clown school? No, I found this out in a book. Yeah. In clown school, I learned how they control the rats. They have to like block up the holes. Rats are quite dangerous to humans. And they have to put special... Because rats can bite through concrete. They can bite through all sorts of stuff, like the sort of sewer rats. And so when they do like work...

In Paris, the rats come up and that's really dangerous. And so what they do is they have to fill up the holes with concrete. But in the concrete, they need to put something like wire or broken glass so that the rats will cut themselves. And apparently that incites the other rats to...

them. Oh, I see. So one of the rats bites into the concrete, cuts themselves and bleeds. And the other rats are like, mmm, dinner time. Oh, yeah. They're sociable, but they're also cannibals. Absolute bastards, aren't they? Oh, it's terrifying. I mean, there's rats and rats. There's domestic rats and there's, you know, obviously sewer rats. They're not the same. Yeah. Um,

But the pigeons, so the pigeons, they lose their feet because... Paul's had a funny look on his face. I just love how this podcast has gone from, how was your Christmas day? To now a 45 minute introduction to different species of rats and what they do. It's a bit like fucking pigeons. It's a bit like humans, isn't it really? Some of them are nice and some of them are absolute psychotic murderous men.

Yeah. Well, I'm going to finish. There's a rap podcast where they're talking about humans. They've asked themselves, how was your Christmas day? And one of them's telling them, oh, mate, it was the worst. And now they're doing, I went to go to this human museum once and it's just the opposite in another world. One of them just sprayed me with water. It was ridiculous. I just like found a really great spot behind this radiator and these bloody...

humans started spraying me with water. One of them tried to poke me in the head with an umbrella. And I just pretended he got me, but in the wrong place. And I just went, oh no, please don't hurt me. Yeah. Possibly. Anyway. So you were about to... Pigeons. So pigeons, they don't hop and they don't sort of pick up their feet. They sort of shuffle, don't they? If you notice how they walk, they don't hop. They're not like a hopping bird. So they sort of like shuffle around the city and

They're such a metaphor, aren't they, pigeons? And what happens is they get little bits of hair, usually, wrapped around their feet. So especially if you go around Chateau Rouge, where there's lots of hair salons, none of the pigeons have feet. But they get that, and it winds around their little foot more and more and more, and it cuts off the circulation, and essentially that's how they lose their feet.

Of course, it can be in fiction, stuff like that, but that's the main reason. Wow. I know. That's an interesting fact. Yeah. Just at my fingertips. Human hair in cities just chops off pigeons' feet. Poor pigeons, honestly. What a life. Pigeony, pigeony. Well, I don't know where to go from here. Well, we can have a segue because I was keen to hear about your jumper.

Yeah, that's right. Can I just say, so Paul is wearing a rather fetching black sweater. Amber, do you want to describe the sweater? He's wearing a lovely jumper. I know the brand. It's St. James, Saint-Jean's, a French brand. They use wool. They've got quite a sort of high neck.

because I did buy one for... It's high neck and the shoulders are a little bit... Structured. Structured, so it makes... I think that's why it makes it look... It's very... They're known in France for the stereotypical French... The stripy. The marinière, the stripy top, which is...

Maritime. Maritime. I do look a bit like a... The cut makes me look like... A sailor. Yeah, like I'm about to go on a boat. So this St. James brand, yeah, they do make clothing. I think they haven't even got a boat on their logo. No. They're classier than that. They are based in Brittany, I believe. I think, or... Normandy. Normandy, Brittany, on the coast. Is there not a boat somewhere? No, there's no boat. No boat. You're thinking of Petit Bateau. No, that's Petit Bateau.

Little boat, literally. It's kids' clothes. But anyway, so they make clothing which is for sort of sailors. That's the vibe they're going for. That's it, sailor. That was the word I was looking for from the beginning. So it's the sort of sweater that you could imagine someone on a sailboat wearing. They're just really nice quality and they always look really nice. Thick sweaters made of wool with quite a high neck, as you say. Oh, it's the Mors Saint-Michel that they've got in their logo. Mmm.

So, Mont Saint-Michel, which is in Normandy. Normandy. Yes. Okay. Although it's contested. Oh, is it? Because apparently it's like there's a border between Normandy and Brittany. And Mont Saint-Michel used to be, I think, on Brittany's side. And then the water changed. It's on Normandy's side. It might be the other way around. Pretty sure it's in Normandy. So, it's a very nice sweater. 5% battery left on my camera. What's going on here? We're going to have to stop because... It should be charging. Maybe it's fluffy. Is that a...

Is that a... What? An official Apple charger? No, I was going to say, is that... Oh, God. Is that cliffhanger of like, oh, oh, oh, the jumper, the jumper, 5%, find out in the next episode. Do you do cliffhangers? No. Okay. They don't work for me. That is an exciting cliffhanger. So anyway, let's get to the sweater then. Yeah. So... Sweater. Yeah, jumper. Uh...

So it's not related to Christmas. It kind of is because it happened during Christmas time. But also, so my dad, who has got like early version of dementia. Really? Yeah. Oh, right. He does things that are a bit weird. So in like mid-November, I get a package through the door and it's from St. James. Yeah. Yeah.

And I open it and there's like two jumpers in there. I'm like, oh, that's... Where is... Who is this from? I don't understand. St. James, apparently. But I was like, why would they have sent me this? And I thought because we got in touch with them because for the poster that I made for my show, I'm wearing a stripy top because I want it to be a bit stereotypical English, a bit stereotypical French. Yeah. And mix those two together, whatever. And I thought maybe they... I don't know. So then I didn't quite understand. And I saw the date of the purchase. It was the day of my birthday. I go, uh...

So now I got in touch with my dad's partner to be like, did dad buy me these jumpers for my birthday? She's like, yeah. I'm like, okay, neither of them fit. Okay. They're too small. Do you have the receipt so I can maybe ask? Clearly it's bought online. They probably don't do online return. Like I'll try and figure something out. She's like, we're in the middle of moving house. So I can't really help. I don't have time to help you. Sorry. So I asked him, he didn't remember, whatever.

So I was just like, oh God. So I got in touch with St. James on Instagram using my, you know, my Instagram blue tick, blue tick, 170,000 followers. I'm like, Hey St. James,

Dad's got dementia. He bought me these presents like a month ago. I can't find the receipt. He can't find it. He doesn't even remember buying them. All this kind of stuff. I use your... As you can see by my poster, I use your thing, your stripy tops for my poster, and I'm going to wear that on stage. Is there any way I can come in and exchange these? Because they're too small. You know, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And it took ages. It took like a month for it to sort out because I had to go through the head office to do the thing or whatever and blah, blah, blah.

And like, yeah, come in and we can give you an exchange for an amount of up to €325. I was like, sorry, how much? Well, they're expensive, those jumpers. Yeah, I had no idea. They're €150 each, easy. Yeah, and I was like, sorry, how much? You know, I'm like angry at my dad for spending that much money on jumpers that I didn't, one, ask for, and two, weren't my size. And three, he's apparently poor and has no money left. So it's kind of like, you know, it's that dementia thing where he's kind of, anyway...

So I went into the shop. None of them had a clue who I was. What? Don't you know who I am? No, but what I mean was like... I'm Paul Taylor, don't you know? I had to re-explain the whole mistake. Huge. You've messed with the wrong person. You don't know who I am. I had my own series on Canal Plus.

No. I mean, I had to like re-explain the whole story of like, my dad bought these, blah, blah, blah, and apparently the head office has called you, and they're like, oh, all right, we'll see what we can do. And it's a tiny shop that's like no bigger than this. Which one did you go to? The one in Le Marais. Okay, yeah. And it was rammed, and it was just like I was inconveniencing the whole staff. They didn't know how to find the... They've got nothing better to do. That's literally their job. Yeah, I know, but they also had other people who were just genuinely wanting to buy stuff. Just normal people who don't have $170,000.

performers on Instagram. They don't have a blue tick. They don't have a blue tick. These fucking losers who wanted to spend money and I just wanted to not spend money. And so... The money's been spent. Your dad spent the money. Yeah, he spent the money. And so eventually, you know, she...

Some of the t-shirts, I'm like, yeah, they don't feel right. They didn't have the white on the black in the short sleeve. I was just like, do you have any jumpers that are similar to this one? And I had my black Uniqlo. She's got one that looks very similar to that. It's a bit thicker. And I tried it on. I'm like, yeah, just get two of these. Fine, let's go. So that's why I have now a fancy...

Black jumper. They look really nice. They're very nice. And I have to say, you're lucky that you found ones that didn't have buttons on the shoulders. You don't like the buttons. I can't have buttons on the shoulders of my sweaters. I don't know. I just don't want buttons on my... Why are you calling them sweaters? What's happened? What's wrong with saying... The word is jumper. It's a jumper. What, is that American English? Yes. Is it...

Sorry, everybody. But sweater is also a hideous word. Is it? Yeah. Because of sweat? Yeah. Okay. Jumper is a much nicer word. You're right. I have to say. You're absolutely right. Jumper is much better. Pullover? What's a pullover anyway? Are you okay with that? I don't know. What's a pullover? I don't know. I don't know. I feel like it's a thinner material. Okay. Like a sort of like what they might call a sweatshirt. So how would you define... How would you... So, you know, if you're wearing a hoodie, but without the hood...

That type of material. Sweatshirt. Sweatshirt material. Sweatshirt. What would you call that? I'd still... A jumper, right? I'd still probably call it a jumper. We don't really... We just call every... That would be a jumper. This would be a jumper. That's definitely a jumper. You've got a woolly... Is this a jumper? This is a jumper. It's a thin jumper. Yeah. But it's a jumper. But there's a distinction between a jumper and a woolly jumper. Yeah. Oh. Oh.

Oh, we're cutting it fine. Is my battery still... 5%. It's still okay. It's still filming us. A woolly jumper would be one that's made of wool. A jumper is just, you know, as we've described. Could be any. But, I mean, a sweatshirt is what you're talking about. A hoodie, but without the hood. That material. That's a sweatshirt. Technically. Yes, it is. It's a sweatshirt. I think technically, but I think...

A.K.A. Sweater. But you did, can I just point out the fact that you did just call me up on my English, on my own English podcast. Yeah. But it was also the third time you said Sweater. Yeah. And I saw that you nearly jumped out of your skin and fell off your chair, if that's possible. Just a skeleton left on the floor in that case, wasn't it? This is a question for you, both of you, because my children mix English.

English, British English and American English because they listen to like podcasts and watch films and stuff like that. Do you step in?

No. Because I'm very much, it's candy floss, not cotton candy. Oh, yeah. Well, in certain cases, yeah, of course. I would definitely, I would never let my daughter get away with calling it cotton candy. Right. No way. It's candy floss. Yeah. But then, you know... Well, next time she says sweater, give her a slap and say it's jumper, you imbecile. On the naughty step. Yeah, but then, you know, her pronunciation sometimes goes a bit American. Also... And I'm all right with that. I don't mind that. I mean...

that happens as well tomato I've lost tomato I've had tomato a number of times she doesn't do so you keep saying these things I'm like yeah it's fine and then you give me examples I'm like actually no because I wouldn't stand for tomato I don't stand for tomato but I've lost bath

What? Bath. Bath. Bath. But it just sounds northern. It just sounds... Because it's that soft A. Yeah. Bath. Bath. So it just sounds like bath. Because in England you've got bath, you've got bath, and you've got bath. Bath.

as well haven't you in the south west Bath which is a bit more like American English Bath oh yeah a little bit so yeah I can see that's not so bad but something like tomato no absolutely not no I agree cotton candy I'm against it pants are over

Only underwear. A candy cane or a... What do you call a pumpkin? What do they call it? A jack-o'-lantern. A jack-o'-lantern. Jack-o'-lantern. Criss-cross applesauce. Nope. No. Yeah, okay. Fair do's. I tolerate certain bits of American English pronunciation, but...

When there are clear delineations. Trash. Trash. Forget about it. No, wait, no. Elevator. It's rubbish. No, lift, not an elevator. Absolutely. Yeah, it's a biscuit. It's not a cookie. Get to your room. Go to your room. I used to be quite guilty of that myself because obviously when I was working at Apple. Wait, did I ever tell you that I worked at Apple? What?

Is that... Is this the first I'm hearing this? See, I've got an iPhone X, Paul. This is the first I'm hearing this. I've got an iPhone X I'm using as a webcam and it keeps flashing up that it's 20% battery even though it's plugged in. I bet people ask you these about Apple stuff all the time, don't they? Yeah, all the time. Um...

So anyway, when I work for them, like I find myself subconsciously using Americanisms just to be more understood. You know, like you just you just go with, you know, that if I say lift, there's going to be like, oh, right, elevator. So you just end up saying elevator instead or apartment instead of flat elevator.

But you go home and have a little cry, though, afterwards, don't you? Because you feel so bad. Like, I can't believe I said that. I had to say elevator. No, but you have to. I can't do this anymore. You have to with Americans. Like, I work with Americans and I told them all, like, I said, we're going to go to the Eiffel Tower later. Be sure to bring a jumper.

No one brought a jumper. Because they're thinking, what, to jump off the Eiffel Tower? They didn't know what I was talking about. So it's true, like you have to sort of modify your language when you're speaking to Americans. But not in my own home. Not in my own home, sir. Isn't that what they call a jumper in American? It's like, we've got a jumper! Meaning someone who's going to jump off a building. No, but they call it like a jumpsuit.

Okay. Is what they would call a jumper. Right. I don't even think they call it, I think they just call it a jumpsuit. So they presume that we mean a jumpsuit. That's what I thought. Yeah, they all thought that I told them to wear a jumpsuit. Because they think, we're going to go up the Eiffel Tower, so make sure you bring a jumpsuit and a parachute as well. Yeah.

Because there's no lift. Sorry, I mean elevator. Yeah. Q, they don't understand Q. So I agree with you. I mean, when I speak to Americans, it's just quicker and easier to say elevator, sidewalk, you know, line, stuff like that. And we understand those things as British people anyway. So I think unless you're in a pub in a small town in England, do you know what I mean? Like, I think it's all right to say sweater and, you know, like Louise will ask me,

She'll say something and I'll be like, oh, yeah, that's what American, like candy cane, because she watches Gabby's Dollhouse and there's candy cane. And I'm like, yeah, in English we say...

No, hold on. Was it candy cane? What was the one you said something about? Jack O'Lantern. Candy floss. No, candy floss. Yeah, they say cotton candy. In American, they say cotton candy, which technically makes more sense because it's like candy, but it feels like cotton. Whereas candy floss, you're like, all right. Is that like passive aggressive English anger, though? It's like, well, you called it cotton candy, but actually in British English, because remember, you're British.

It's actually a candy floss. Okay, now don't do that again. You've got to understand. My daughter said to me, what is a parody?

What's a party? From Gabby's doll's house. And I was like, it is an American party. It's like a party, but in America. Party. We have a party. It's like where someone brings in a keg of beer and everyone gets loaded and there's some guy who smashes a can of beer on his head. I think Louise is good at accents, so I think she'll be okay with that. The other day...

I was reading her a book, which is called Ludo the Dodo. It's from Mauritius. When we were there, when I was on tour there, I got her this little book. And at some point, they're building sand castles, and there's a page in there where it says, and I'm the king of the castle. And so I was reading this in bed, and obviously I just went, king of the castle, wow, wow, wee, wow.

Just because it reminded me of Borat and that scene where he's walking around in a really like shit hotel room, like flown in from Kazakhstan. And he's like, King of the castle. I am in the chair. This was a chair. And so I started imitating that. And then at some point she just cracked it out. She just goes...

King of the castle, wow, wow, we were. And it was amazing. And like, she waited for my wife to come up and she's like, mummy, in French, she goes, mummy, do you know what daddy is? And my wife's like, what? I think I've got an idea. I knew what was coming, but my wife's like, what do you mean, what is he? She's like, well, what is daddy?

She's like, he's a man. She's like, no, what is daddy? And I'm like trying not to explode. She's like, what is daddy? And my wife's like, I don't know. What do you mean? What is daddy? He's a human. He's a comedian. He's a, he's English. What do you mean? She goes, no, mommy.

He's king of the castle! And she did like the whole shoulder movements and everything. It was amazing. Oh my god. Love that. My daughter's got like a odd accent that shifts, as I said, between American English and British English because a lot of her mates are American. Yeah, I was going to say. It's that school. Yeah, but it's like not just an American accent. She's got like this... Sometimes it sounds like a New Jersey kind of accent. So she...

She's obsessed with horses, unicorns. Yeah. But she's not, it's not a horse. It's a horse. So she'll be playing like, okay, so you're a horse and I'm a unicorn. And we're going to take the subway together. Yeah. And like close the door as well. She calls it a door and a horse and a unicorn. I,

I love that. And I'm actually fine with that because it sounds so cute. That's so good. And gangster at the same time. She should always say that. Have you found the culprit parents from New Jersey? No, there's no one around who's from New Jersey. She's not like watching The Sopranos or something. You know what I mean? So she's just gangster. She's just got that kind of Italian-American kind of gangster thing going on.

Love that for her. Wow. Good for her, right? So, guys, before my phone dies, we should probably, you know, call it quits on the episode here. What do you think? I think your computer's talking shit. You reckon? Well, I don't know. I just find it weird. That's continuity camera, which is... So that's this guy. It's connected via Wi-Fi. It's plugged into the connection to the... I don't know. It's weird. It's weird.

It's plugged into the mains power. Into the mainframe. Normally, filming with it doesn't drain it like that.

No. Especially if it's plugged in, it shouldn't be drinking. It's about time to wrap it up. Yeah, it's been an hour and eight minutes. I think so. Wrap up and investigate. Okay, so any concluding thoughts? Any sort of statements to wrap up the episode? What has been the outcome? I feel like we should probably wish your listeners a happy 2025. Yeah. Absolutely. Wherever they are in the world, because they're all over the world, your listeners. They are indeed. Your watchers, your viewers. Yes. On YouTube. And I hope that they...

Have a good one. That they have a good one. And, you know, this helps them if they're having a rough first week, then it helps them have a smile. Yeah. This is going to go up probably in about two to three weeks. I was going to say two to three months. So I fuck it. No, no. As long as it's January, you can still say happy new year.

We'll see. It's still the beginning of the year. Yeah, we can still say happy new year. When we spent the entire time talking about our Christmas. Yeah. Yeah, but that's alright. Put it up in August. This would be amazing if you just cancelled this and then just saved it until August and then... I'm waiting actually for the medieval museum episode. That's going to go up maybe in August. You've forgotten that even happened. You've not even put that up yet. I haven't put that up yet. The editing gave me such a headache that I just put it to one side and I haven't

gone back to it because other episodes like i've said before this this podcast is like a a train or a huge uh sort of juggernaut juggernaut or a container ship where if something falls off you've got to like turn the whole ship round yeah and uh sometimes something comes off and you just got to keep plowing forwards because the next thing comes up the next thing the next thing and

the podcast train just keeps on rolling. It was a technically ambitious episode. It really was. It's going to happen. It'll come back. I'll just muster up the courage to get back into the editing and then I'll smash it and then there'll be something where there'll be no ending because everyone's microphone's cut out at different times. But anyway, that will arrive at some point. We could do an in-studio ending. Maybe. We could do an in-studio ending.

Intro and in-studio outro. You're like, hi, welcome to the thing, blah, blah, blah. The intro is easy because it's just you talking. No, the intro is all right. It's us standing in a park in front of the medieval museum. Yeah, but we need an intro to that now because that was a year ago. Yeah. Or is it more? When was that? That was a year and a half ago. No, it was the beginning of summer. Last year? June, July. Yeah. Yeah, it was. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, was my brother just about to leave? Yeah, he had just finished. He's finished his contract and he's about to leave around the world. And then we went to a pub and we paid... A billion euros. Like 14 euros for a pint of Carlsberg each. Do you remember? I do remember. You were in a steaming mood over something or other. No surprise. Was I? Yeah. When am I ever in a steaming mood? You were in a big, big bad mood.

mood you were about something that happened to us or just in general no no no the medieval museum was fine but once we'd done that wrapped that up it was like back to being in a really bad mood again and then 14 euros for a pint of Carlsberg wasn't it really hot as well it was so hot

It was work-related stuff for you, you know. Wasn't Edinburgh coming up? Oh, I think it was all of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Edinburgh, getting the poster ready for the Edinburgh Fringe. It was supposed that the next day you had the photo shoot. Right. And there was all drama. Yeah, the photo shoot for your poster for the Edinburgh Comedy. Or you'd just done the photo shoot and you'd been massively hungover and like... There'd been drama. There was photo shoot drama. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so anyway, listeners, Happy New Year. I hope that your Christmas was better than Paul's. And if you do end up... It was good, but it was just very tiring. Yeah. And now I might have ten minutes of extra stuff to talk about on stage. Indeed. Look forward to that. It's all good. Oh, by the way, listeners, Bizu Bai, Paul's spectacular third one-man show written by the man himself, written, performed...

live on stage in various locations around the world. It's now available to be viewed on the Tube of You. The Tube of You. YouTube. YouTube. BizuBuy. Let's give a plug for that. Filmed live in Belgium, in Brussels. Yes. The show that everyone has been talking about. What's the concept of BizuBuy? It's my final bilingual show.

So when you click on it, in the settings on YouTube, you can put the English subtitles or the French subtitles. I don't have any other language subtitles on there because I don't speak any of the other languages. So put the English subtitles on, everyone. Yeah. Put the English subtitles on and you'll be able to understand the French bits. Uh,

50% of it's in English, 50% of it's in French with English subtitles. And the whole concept of the show is saying goodbye to a bilingual show and saying goodbye to other things in my life, including alcohol, the Queen, things like that. So the theme of the show was goodbye. And of course the Russian joke stories included. And part of the bilingual, like saying goodbye to bilingual, is that no one understands our English jokes in France. And Luke's Russian story joke

uh uh or luke's russian story no russian joke story russian joke story i said the russian joke story which is which is one of the fan favorites of your podcast um yeah i suppose yeah i mean you know i've been trying to drop it for about a decade and we'll never let you just keep coming back the russian joke is back ladies and gentlemen we talked about it we talked about it a couple of episodes ago uh so we've been through it again so we don't need to do that again and also uh

In this one, when I say the original joke, like Luke said it on stage, the entire audience laughed. And I was like, yes, there we go. An audience that understands the joke. The audience in Brussels finally got it. Yeah. But I'm happy that that joke is finally getting the audience that it deserved. As opposed to 12 non-English speakers in a cave. Who were just like, didn't even know a joke had even happened. Yeah. What's funny is when that happens in that cave...

in front of 12 people. Little did we know that 10 years later, I'd be in front of 800 people in Brussels explaining that. Well, that we would be at the Zenit in front of 4,000 people at the beginning of January last year explaining this joke and still half the room not understanding it and then having to explain it in French. It just...

It's the joke that keeps on giving. It is, isn't it? Yeah. It's like the lore of Luke's English podcast in action. Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks, guys. Let's go and have some lunch. Oh, yeah. Good idea. Vamos. Okay, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for watching. I think I'll probably... I don't think I'll do an ending.

You know, I might do an intro before the intro and then I'll have to do an intro to that. This is the way it goes on Luke's English Podcast. So after the 19 intros, that's probably enough. I don't think I'll need to do an ending. So let's say goodbye now. Thank you so much for listening. Have a lovely morning, afternoon, evening or night and speak to you next time. But for now, it's time to say goodbye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. I think your camera's died. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. When did that happen? Just now. Oh, really? Perfect timing.

I saw it freeze.

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