910. FUNNY ENGLISH SIGNS 🪧 Explained (Part 1)
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Hello there. This is an announcement for any listeners in Vietnam, specifically in the Ho Chi Minh City area. There's going to be a Luke's English Podcast meetup.

in Ho Chi Minh City on Friday the 29th of November. So a Luke's English Podcast meetup is basically a social event where you can meet other listeners to this podcast, socialise and practice speaking English. And I imagine there will be people from various different countries attending. So the details are this. It's going to happen on Friday, November the 29th, 2024.

between 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. local time, Ho Chi Minh City, also known as Saigon, of course, in Vietnam. The address is Little Du Mien Cafe Restaurant. That's Little Du Mien Cafe Restaurant, 119D Pho Quang Street, Ward 9, Phu Nguyen District. It's near the airport.

And unfortunately, I won't be there, but the event is going to be hosted by a friend of the podcast, Zdenek Lukas from Zdenek's English Podcast and the Footclish Podcast. Zdenek is an English teacher who at the moment is living in Vietnam, and he has organised this meet-up, so he'll certainly be there.

and you could be there too if you are in the area. Zdenek loves playing board games, and so he'll probably have a few games with him. So there'll be a chance to play some fun board games, chat and socialise in English, and meet some like-minded people. The place, Little Doumien Café, is a restaurant, so you can eat there if you want to.

And if you would like to go, just simply send an email to Zdenek at teachersdenek at gmail.com. Teacher, I think you know how to spell that.

And Zdenek, that's Z-D-E-N-E-K. So, teacherzdenek at gmail.com. Just email Zdenek to say, Hi, I will be coming to the meet-up. Or, Hi, Zdenek, this is just to let you know that I'll be coming to the meet-up. See you there. Okay? Alright, good. Get together, practice some English, have some fun, meet some like-minded people, and everything will be fantastic. Music

You're listening to Luke's English Podcast. For more information, visit teachaluke.co.uk. Hello, welcome back to Luke's English Podcast. Just before we begin, I want to let you know that there's a PDF for this episode.

with a transcript of most of the things I'm saying and a very detailed vocabulary list to help you understand, remember and use a lot of the English in this episode. So check it out. You can download the PDF using the link in the episode description. It's free. You're welcome. Anyway, on with the episode. Hello, everyone. This is episode number 910 and it's called...

Funny English signs explained. I'm not sure how many English signs there will be,

but I've got loads. So, funny English signs explained. In this episode, I'm going to go through some signs, like signposts or signs that you would see in public places or in buildings. I'm going to go through some signs from around the world written in incorrect or ambiguous English with some pretty funny results. Ha ha ha, let's all have a good laugh.

Now, this includes signs in English-speaking countries too. And to give you an example, here is a sign which apparently was seen in an airport in Copenhagen. And the sign says this. We take your bags and send them in all directions. We take your bags and send them in all directions. Which doesn't sound...

Quite right, actually. We take your bags and send them in all directions. If you've ever wondered what happens to your luggage when you check it in at the airport, this sign would not make you feel very confident, would it? Because it sounds like they just grab people's bags and then just throw them around carelessly in all directions, right? We take your bags and send them in all directions. When you put your bag on the little conveyor belt...

And off it goes. And you think, OK, they're just going to put that bag on the plane. But apparently, no, because it says we take your bags. Don't worry. We take your bags and send them in all directions. So the bag goes off in through that little door with those rubber flaps that hang down and the bag disappears. And then I imagine there's just a room in the back with some guys in it. And they just take your bags and just throw them around left, right, up, down, left.

Every direction, because that's what the sign says. We take your bags and send them in all directions. This is not a great advertisement for the airport baggage handling service at Copenhagen Airport. But I'm sure that they don't use this sign anymore, by the way. This one's been around for a while. A lot of these signs actually kind of get shared online and you see them again and again as people share them online.

to enjoy, you know, laughing about these things. So I think this is probably quite an old sign. And I doubt that they use that one still at Copenhagen airport. And I'm sure they wouldn't send, just throw your bags around. Certainly no more than any other airport. Um,

So I'm certain this is not what they wanted to say with this sign. I suppose a better version of the sign would be something like this. We collect your bags and can send them to all destinations. Right, we collect your bags, not just take them. And rather than send them in all directions, we can send them to all destinations. That sounds a bit better.

OK, so you get the idea of this episode, funny signs explained, ha ha ha, and a chance to learn some English. So as I read out these signs to you, you can see this as a kind of test of your English, if you like. And here are some questions. Can you understand what is funny about these signs? What is the intended meaning of each sign? And what is the funny unintended meaning of each sign?

Okay, so what is the sign trying to say and what's the kind of funny meaning that comes through accidentally? Okay, you can see this is a little test of your English if you like. At this moment, I just want to make something clear.

And that's this: everyone makes mistakes in English like this, including both native and non-native speakers. So I'm not just making fun of people who speak English as a second language, I'm making fun of everyone. A lot of the signs in my list were written by non-native speakers in various countries, yes, but also a lot of them were written by native speakers of English in places like the UK or the USA.

All right. Anyone can make mistakes in English and they do. And anyone can write things that end up sounding funny. And this includes native speakers, of course. And it's not always just about correct or incorrect use of English.

Sometimes it's just a case of not really thinking it through properly. Like this sign from a tramway authority. That's a kind of like a railway company kind of thing. A tramway authority in Newcastle in Delaware, USA. And the sign says this. Touching wires causes instant death. $200 fine.

right? Touching wires causes instant death, $200 fine. I think you see the problem, right? Now, the English is okay here. Everything's fine in terms of English. It's all correct. But someone just didn't really think this through, did they? Because touching the wires causes instant death. Okay. You'll die instantly if you touch the wires. That's clear, right? But

Right. But if you do it, you also have to pay a $200 fine. How you pay $200 if you died as soon as you touch the wire, I don't know. But in any case, touching that wire is really bad because not only will you be dead, you will also have to pay $200.

which is, you know, even worse, isn't it? So, anyway, if you ever go to Newcastle, Delaware, just avoid that wire, whatever you do. In fact, just don't go to Newcastle, Delaware. That's probably the safest option. So, vocabulary. As well as explaining these hilarious signs, I'll also teach you some vocabulary in this episode, and you'll see a full vocab list on the PDF, as I mentioned. It's all at the bottom of the PDF.

And that's vocabulary like the word fine, a fine, which is an amount of money you have to pay if you do something wrong. Like the $200 fine you pay if you get killed, if you get killed by that wire in Delaware, right? Or maybe a parking fine that you'd pay if you park in the wrong place, you know, or something like that.

I don't know why we say that's a fine. I don't know why we use the word fine because it's obviously not fine, is it? You know, you have to pay $200. What's fine about that? I don't know. But anyway, that's the word we use. It's a fine, a $200 fine. I have to pay $200. Oh, yeah, that's fine. No problem.

I don't know why we call it a fine. Anyway, two different words. A fine you have to pay and fine the adjective. Obviously, these are two totally different words. But anyway, I'll explain some bits of vocabulary as I go. And we can consider how the wording of these signs could be improved to make them clearer. So we'll be kind of considering a bit of written English as we go.

Here's another one at a locksmith in London. So this next one is a sign that I used to see every day when I lived in London. A locksmith, by the way, is a person or maybe a business which deals with locks and keys, locks and keys. So, for example, if you need to change the lock on your door, the door of your house or the door of your apartment, if you, you know,

You just need to change the lock, for example. Then you'd call a locksmith and the locksmith would come and change the lock for you and give you a new key and the rest of it. Right. If you lock yourself out of your home, you would need to call a locksmith and they would come and help you get in again. Right. And I mean, that happened to me once in London. I locked myself out of my apartment.

And I was very annoyed. It was like a Friday evening and I needed to get back in, obviously. And I had to call a locksmith. And I mean, he came out, he came out quite quickly and opened the door like unbelievably easily. Locksmiths have got all these clever little methods of opening your door, which makes you realize how easy it is to kind of break into someone's home.

which is why you really must have several locks on your door, several different kinds of lock. Anyway, what he did, I mean, what locksmiths can do is they, one of the things they can do is they use a kind of a piece of plastic and they slide it into the crack of the door and kind of slide it between the latch of the door and the door frame. And it just, the door just pops open. What this locksmith did is that he got this kind of

kind of metal bar with a bend in it and a rubber pad on the end and put it through the letterbox of my door and used it to undo the latch from the inside and pop the door just swung open. He did it in about five minutes and then he charged me £100 for it.

So anyway, that's a locksmith. Now, this sign that I'm going to talk to you about now is a sign that a real sign I used to see every day when I lived in London. So the locksmith at the bottom of my building had a poster in the window which said this. It said, every 13 minutes, a home is burgled in London.

Every 13 minutes, a home is burgled in London. Now, burgled means broken into when someone breaks into a house to steal something, right? So every 13 minutes, a home is burgled in London. Now, you have to feel sorry for the people living in that home, don't you? Those poor people getting burgled every 13 minutes. Why don't they just move?

And why do burglars keep targeting that same house over and over? Surely there's nothing left to steal after it keeps getting burgled every 13 minutes. But of course, it's not the same home every time. That's not what the sign really means. What the sign really means is that on average, there is a burglary somewhere in London every 13 minutes, which is quite a shocking statistic.

One home, meaning a different home each time, gets burgled every 13 minutes. So every 13 minutes, a home is burgled in London. It's not just the same home every time.

But you get it now, right? Okay. And again, to be burgled or to get burgled or a burglary, this is a kind of crime where someone breaks into somebody's home to steal something like jewellery or a TV, right? A synonym is burglary.

a break-in or to break into somewhere, right? So that's a burglary, to burgle a house, to get burgled or to be burgled, that's the passive form, and a burglar, that's the person who would do it, right? And if you're looking at the PDF, you can see a picture of a burglar burgling that house in London every 13 minutes, apparently. Yes.

Here's another one, right? At a hospital in Northampton in England. This is kind of a legendary one, a legendary one. So here is another one which I talked about with comedian Mark Steele in episode 796 of this podcast, which, of course, you remember. You remember every single word.

So this is quite a legendary sign in Northampton, apparently. And it says this family planning advice. Use rear entrance family planning advice. Use rear entrance. Quite good advice, actually.

So what this is supposed to mean is that the family planning clinic where you can get advice about family planning. So this clinic is around the back of the building. So in order to access it, you have to use the rear entrance. That's the entrance at the rear or back of the building. Hence, family planning advice, use rear entrance. But it also suggests that use rear entrance is the family planning advice itself. Hmm.

So this meaning of use rear entrance has another meaning. This phrase has another meaning, which is rude and therefore quite funny. You want some family planning advice? Trying to avoid getting pregnant? Okay, use rear entrance if you know what I mean.

Okay, now something at this point tells me that I need to explain this one in a bit more detail. But as I said, it's rude as it involves a sexual double meaning. But you don't mind, do you? Of course you don't. No, of course, of course you don't mind. In fact, you're like, yes, okay, great, Luke. This is what I want when I listen to Luke's English podcast. I want to hear you awkwardly explain rude double meanings.

Um, like for example, when Dr. Watson ejaculates during a Sherlock Holmes story. Um, yes, in fact, a little heads up, a lot of the signs in this episode are quite rude with unintentional sexual connotations. So there's some slightly rude content coming up. So family planning advice, use rear entrance. Some of you have got it. All right.

Of course, but some of you are still scratching your heads going, I don't understand why is this funny? So use rear entrance has a double meaning relating to sex. So here's the normal meaning again. This is the not rude meaning. Family planning often refers to things you do when you're trying to get pregnant and start a family or if you're trying to avoid getting pregnant too. Right. So we're talking about fertility treatments or contraception.

Like condoms, for example. So all of this stuff is known as family planning. So in the pharmacy, you might have a family planning section, which includes all the things related to this. OK, so family planning is advice.

Sorry, family planning advice is information about getting pregnant or not getting pregnant. And rear, like rear entrance, means at the back, right? So use rear entrance. Could refer to an entrance, which is at the back of the building, right? So this means if you need family planning advice, go to the back of the building to enter.

The Family Planning Advice Centre can be found there, right? Family Planning Advice use Rear Entrance. But the rude meaning is like this, okay? Because sometimes we refer to someone's bottom, their bum, their butt in American English, their arse in British English or their ass in American English, right? Sometimes we refer to someone's bottom as their rear entrance.

Okay, it's a kind of a euphemism for someone's bottom. So it could sometimes use the word rear and the rear entrance of someone's body is certainly something sexual and rude, as you can imagine, right? An orifice at the back.

So use rear entrance could mean that if you want to avoid getting pregnant, you should use a certain sexual position that involves using the rear entrance.

Okay, there's no need for me to be more specific. Is there now? No, I don't think so. I mean, I would ask ChatGPT to come up with an automatically generated AI image to explain this, but I think that's probably not such a good idea. So anyway, this brings new meaning to the sign, family planning advice, use rear entrance. Okay.

Yes. Okay. So correcting the wording, let's look at the wording of this. Maybe the sign could be improved and changed to something like this, right? Family planning advice, use entrance at rear of building. So we could do that, but the problem is this uses a few too many words. We've gone from the simple three word use rear entrance to six words, use entrance at rear of building.

This is maybe a few too many words, which makes the sign a little bit less clear. And also, why should we spoil everyone's fun by changing the sign at all? I mean, to be honest, maybe we just, you know, bring more joy to the world.

by just leaving the sign as it is. But in terms of wording, though, sometimes brevity is important. And brevity means being brief or keeping it short and simple, right? You have to keep it short and simple to make sure the message is clear, which is always a good thing to remember when writing.

Keep it short and simple is just a good phrase to remember. So, you know, sometimes the more words you use, the less effective a sign is because the sign loses its impact and the message gets lost. So it's probably best to keep it short and simple. Now, it's complicated to write a sign which is both efficient, meaning using not many words, and effective, meaning expressing exactly what you want.

But maybe this would fix it then, right? You could have family planning centre use rear entrance. Yeah, okay. Now I have loads more of these signs. We haven't even begun my list yet. Those were just examples. So let me go through the list now. I'll read out about 10 signs and then I'll stop. I'll go back and explain them, dissecting the frog in the process. And then I'll do another 10.

I've got something in the region of 40 signs. Also, I will consider how these signs can be rewritten to at least help someone with their English, maybe you.

Okay, as I said, I've got about 40 signs in the list, so I'll do them 10 signs at a time, and this might be a double episode. We will see. But anyway, let's crack on then. Here is the first set of about 10 signs. See if you can identify what is funny or weird about them. What is funny or weird about these signs?

Here we go. Funny English Sign Set 1. This one was seen outside a private school somewhere in the UK, and it says this. No trespassing without permission. No trespassing without permission. Sorry, what? This one was seen in a cocktail lounge in Norway, and it says, Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

The next one was seen in a hotel in Acapulco. And it says this, the manager has personally passed all the water served here. The manager has personally passed all the water served here. Sorry, what? You're there about to drink the water. Excuse me? Hotel air conditioner instructions in Japan, right? So the instructions for an air conditioner in a hotel room.

And it says this, "kules and hites". Now I'm saying that because that's the spelling. It should be "kuls" and "heats", but it says "kules and hites". "If you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself". "If you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself". And this one, "at a zoo in Hungary".

At a zoo in Hungary, please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. And at a restaurant in Nairobi, customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager. Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager. I'll explain all of these in a moment. And this one...

was found in a car rental brochure in Tokyo. So when you rented a car, this information was included in the brochure. And it says this, when passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn, trumpet him melodiously at first. But if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor. What? Sorry. Say that again.

"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour." Okay, I'll make sure I remember that. This one was seen on a river highway in USA, like a road next to a river. It says this: "Take notice: when this sign is underwater, this road is impassable." "When this sign is underwater, this road is impassable." And finally:

This one was seen in a men's lavatory, like in a men's toilet, in Japan. And it says this: "To stop leak, turn cock to the right." "To stop leak, turn cock to the right." Very helpful, I think. Right, now, let's go through all of those signs with explanations and corrections. So the first one: "Outside a private school somewhere in the UK. No trespassing without permission."

Right. So is it possible to trespass with permission? No, it isn't. So no trespassing without permission. The point here is that trespassing means going on property or going on land without permission. That's what trespassing means. So it's unnecessary to say without permission. You might as well just say no trespassing.

Because you can't trespass with permission. It's like saying, no stealing without permission. You know, no murder without permission.

So trespassing, here's some vocab then for you. Trespassing is a kind of crime and it means entering property or going on someone's land without their permission. For example, entering the grounds of a private school when you're not a member or walking into a farm without permission, entering an office building without permission, you would be found guilty of trespassing.

Now, this is different from burglary. We had burglary before, but this is different because it doesn't involve breaking in and there's no theft involved. So breaking into a place, like breaking into a house and stealing something, that's burglary. Trespassing is just going on property when you have no right to do it, like walking into someone's garden or something like that.

OK, or walking onto a building site and just walking around and being there when you don't have permission. That's trespassing. So no trespassing without permission. It's just redundant. So corrections for this. It could be this. No entry without permission.

Okay, or simply no trespassing. But even this is redundant because trespassing is a crime anyway. So you don't need to say no. It's a bit like saying no murder allowed. Well, obviously. But maybe you could say trespassers will be prosecuted in order to remind any potential trespassers that if they're caught, they will be taken to the police. Right.

So, no entry without permission or no trespassing or trespassers will be prosecuted. Prosecuted meaning taken to court, right? Charged for a crime. The next one was the cocktail lounge in Norway. Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Okay, now this makes it sound like women keep giving birth in this bar, right?

So many women have given birth to children in this bar that they've had to put up a sign. So you know what? We've got to stop this. We've got to stop people being born in this bar. We'll put up a sign.

You know, and we'll politely request that people don't, that ladies don't. Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar, okay? We don't have any qualified midwives here. This is not a maternity ward in a hospital, so please. You know, we'll serve you cocktails, but we can't, we'll deliver cocktails, we can't deliver babies in this bar. Okay.

Yeah, I wonder how many ladies have given birth in that bar. Honestly, someone has to tell these women to stop giving birth in this bar. It's a nightmare. So the point is, to have children has two meanings, right? One meaning of have here is possessive, meaning to have children, meaning to, you know, to have your children in the bar, bring your children into the bar and be in possession of children in the bar, right? So basically, it just means don't bring children into this bar. No children allowed, right?

The other meaning of to have a child, as you've worked out, means to give birth to a child. She's having a baby. She had a baby last week. She had a child, right? Meaning she gave birth. So, corrections. It could be children are not allowed in the bar. No children in the bar.

OK, but if you wanted to be a bit more polite about it, it could be guests are requested not to bring children into the bar. Or maybe even guests are politely guests are politely requested not to bring children into the bar. Right. That would be maybe a bit more polite or just simply no children allowed.

Okay, so the vocab, obviously, to have children, two meanings. I have two children, but it was my wife who actually had the children. She gave birth to them. Right, so that's the vocab, to have children with its two meanings and to give birth to children. Okay, moving on. The next one was in a hotel in Acapulco. I love this one because it's pretty funny. The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

So to pass water is the problem. Now, it sounds like the manager has personally urinated all the water in the hotel and they are now serving it to the guests. So you might be just like, oh, look, free water. That's nice that they've provided this water. What is it? Sort of like a

Like a lemonade or something. It's kind of like a bit yellowy. It's probably some kind of fruit water or something. That's nice. Fruit juice or water. I don't know. Lemon water. It must be. And then you start and then you see the sign. The manager has personally passed all the water served here. How generous. What? That's what it seems to suggest. But yeah, all the water is in fact his own personal urine.

OK, but that's not what it means. What they mean is the manager has personally checked all the water and given it the OK. He's passed the water. Is this water OK? Yeah, this water is OK. It's safe to be served. The manager is like checked it and given it a pass. He's personally passed all the water. But the problem is that to pass water also means to urinate.

Yeah. So the vocabulary to pass water means to urinate, but it's old fashioned. We don't say that really so much these days. So the correction could be all the water served here has been personally checked by the manager and is safe to drink. OK. All right. That's, again, a bit longer. But still, I think it's important that that's clear. I mean, you know, you could say, OK,

Water is safe to drink or all water has... Yeah, all the water served here has been personally checked by the manager and is safe to drink. Yeah, that's probably right. What about the air conditioner in Japan? Coolers and heaters or cools and heats. If you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself. So, yeah, you want warm air? Just control yourself. Get a grip on yourself. Pull yourself together. Warm, needing warm air.

So the problem here is that control yourself. I think what the sign means is you're welcome to control the air conditioning yourself. You can control this yourself. Feel free to control it yourself. You may control this yourself, but just control yourself without control it yourself. Just control yourself. This means get yourself under control to be strict with yourself. Right. Um,

I don't know, like you're with a friend and your friend is like, oh, maybe your friend is drunk. And you're like, oh, I really need to do it. I really need a pee. I really need to. And then they start trying to do a pee in the in the in the corridor. And you're like, what do you do? Control yourself. Right. Go to the toilet. It's just there. Get yourself under control. Pull yourself together. You can't do it here.

Right, that's control yourself. So it means get yourself under control, be strict with yourself. Control yourself, right. So here's a correction. It could be this. Cools and heats. If you would like warm air in your room, you can change the thermostat yourself. Or maybe feel free to change the thermostat yourself. Okay. And the one at the zoo in Hungary. Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. He'll eat anything.

So it sounds like, don't feed the animals, but if you've got any suitable food, you can give it to the guard on duty and he'll eat it. You know, it sounds like that. What they obviously mean is if you have suitable food, suitable for the animals, give it to the guard on duty and the guard will give it to the animals at the right moment, you know, at feeding time or something.

Okay, right. But it does sound like you can just feed it to the guard if you want. Correction. So there aren't any grammatical errors here.

Everything's correct. Do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. That's all correct. So it's not grammatical stuff. It's just that the wording makes it sound like you can feed the guard. So maybe give it to the guard could mean, you know, it could mean feed the guard. So there's the ambiguity. But it could be something like this. Please do not feed the animals. Suitable animal feed should be handed to the guard on duty. Or if you have any suitable food, it should be...

If you have any suitable food, hand it to the guard on duty, not give it to the guard, because give it to the guard could mean feed it to the guard. OK, so please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, hand it to the manager or suitable animal feed. So animal feed, feed here is a noun, meaning food that you could give to animals. Suitable animal feed should be handed to the guard on duty.

the restaurant in Nairobi. Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager. If you think the waitresses are rude, you ought to see the manager. My God, he is a nightmare. So this sounds like the manager is even ruder than the waitresses. Sometimes we use ought to see or should see, which have the same meaning, right? Ought to see or should see. Sometimes we use this in an emphatic way to suggest that

Like, this is nothing compared to something else. Here are some more examples to show you. If you think this teacher is strict, you should see Mr. Strickland. Right? If you think Mr. Thompson is strict, you should see Mr. Strickland. Oh my God. Right? So if you think that Mr. Thompson is strict, that's nothing compared to Mr. Strickland. You should see Mr. Strickland. Oh my God, you won't believe it. If you think Paris is expensive...

If you think Paris is expensive, you ought to visit London. That's even more expensive. If you think English is difficult, you should try learning Icelandic. Oh my God. If you think your waitress is rude, you ought to see the manager. He's a nightmare.

Right. That's not what they mean, of course. What they mean is if your waitress is rude, you should or you can or you may register complaints with the manager. So customers who find our waitresses rude may register complaints with the manager.

But also, it still doesn't sound great because it suggests that the waitresses are rude and they're always rude and that they've had, that it's such a regular occurrence that they have complaints that they actually need to, you know, put a sign up. The waitresses must be pretty rude in this place.

You know, as a busy mom, there are a few ways you can build strong muscles. You could get a gym membership, which you'll never use, buy all sorts of expensive equipment for your garage that you'll forget you have, pay for a personal trainer that you'll never have time to meet with, and buy a fitness watch that only makes you sad every time you look at it.

Or you could go for an easy run and try some milk, which helps build strong muscles. Visit gonna need milk.com for more info. And please don't make yourself sad. You know, as a busy mom, there are lots of ways you can help yourself fall asleep. You could stare blankly at the ceiling and replay every conversation you've ever had. Count sheep, have a debate with your pillow, give up caffeine, try acupuncture and buy a weighted blanket that will make you sweat profusely.

Or you could try some milk, which has nutrients that support healthy sleep. Visit gonnaneedmilk.com for more info. And for everyone's sake, please don't give up caffeine. The car rental brochure in Tokyo. Remember this one. When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour.

That's incredible. That's typical of the sort of thing you do see in Japan, I have to say. Sometimes you see this English, which is just... You just think, how did they end up writing that? That's just... It's almost poetry. So, yeah, sorry. This is one of those head-scratching examples of odd English which you encounter in some places, particularly Japan for some reason. Now, I love...

I love Japan, I love the place, but sometimes English gets a bit lost in translation and often some very odd, rare and old-fashioned language gets used.

causing a strange effect. I'm not sure how this happens, but it's often funny and charming. So here's a correction. Maybe this. When a pedestrian, so not passenger of foot, but a pedestrian, that's someone who's walking in the street. When a pedestrian appears in front of your car, beep the horn. Beep, beep, right? When a pedestrian appears in front of your car, beep the horn. Now, you kind of imagine that this sort of thing is just common sense, right? That it doesn't need to be written in the brochure.

But maybe this is cultural advice. This is what's normally done in Japan, that you have to do it politely, beep your horn politely at first, and if it's necessary, then you can beep a little bit harder. But don't beep harder at the beginning. Don't be too aggressive at the beginning because that's considered inappropriate in Japan. Something like that, right? So you end up with, when a pedestrian appears in front of your car, beep the horn. Tap the horn lightly at first.

But if they're still in your way, beep more strongly. But it must be difficult for the Japanese to communicate their cultural values and cultural norms to visitors in succinct, brief, efficient English.

Because it feels like there's a lot of context that needs to be explained. You know, you need sort of like... In Japan, we have a certain way of doing things which might be a bit different to the way they're done in your country. For example, when you're driving a car here, if a pedestrian steps in front of the vehicle, don't be too aggressive. You might just need to give them a little beep, like a beep like that. Just a polite, friendly little beep. And...

I'm sure that they'll get out of the way. But if they don't, then you can beep a bit more strongly. But don't beep too strongly at the beginning because, oh, that would be really embarrassing for everyone. We don't like to do that here. I hope you understand. And also don't drive too fast and have a lovely time.

So vocabulary, pedestrians, people walking in the street, right? Walking normally on the pavement or the sidewalk in American English, pedestrians crossing at pedestrian crossings, to beep the horn, beep, beep, and to be in someone's way, to be in your way. Like I can't go, there's someone in my way. Excuse me, beep, beep, could you, thank you, thanks very much, all right?

to be in some... Oh, was I in your way? Sorry, I didn't mean to be in your way. Right, I'll just get out of your way. Sorry. What about the river highway in America, North America, United States of America, to be specific? The road next to the river. Take notice. When this sign is underwater, this road is impassable. Like, thanks for the sign. Thanks for that completely unnecessary sign.

This water is impassable. This road is impassable when this sign is underwater. Well, yes, obviously, if the sign is underwater, you won't be able to read it or even see it. So this is a pointless sign. And anyway, nobody will be able to drive down the road because it will be completely underwater. You won't need a sign to tell you that. Right. So it's completely unnecessary. Vocab, in terms of vocab, impassable means it can't be read.

You can't drive down it. If a road is impassable, it's completely flooded or maybe a tree has fallen down and then the road is impassable. You can't go along that road. There's no way to get through. There's no passage through the road. Yes. A correction. Honestly, I don't know how to correct this one. Just get rid of the sign. It's unnecessary. Or maybe just add a sign that says something like this. Road liable to flooding.

You know, just maybe putting a sign somewhere up the road which says, road liable to flooding, just to give people a little warning that this road often gets flooded. So watch out, there might be water on the road up ahead. Road liable to flooding might be a good one. Sometimes you see these things at the side of the road in places that

get a lot of heavy snowfall and you get these long metal poles with measurements on them or lines on them to give you a sense of how deep the snow is. And, you know, if you see that the snow is all the way up the middle of the pole, then you will know that you shouldn't try and drive up that road because the snow is too deep and you're going to get stuck.

So those sorts of things are the kinds of signs that are useful in that situation, like poles that show you the depth of the water. You know, you'll know if the water is so deep you can't drive through it. Some cars you can drive through a certain amount of water, but anyway. What about the one in the men's lavatory in Japan? To stop leak, turn cock to the right. That is not how cocks work.

Not mine anyway. I mean, I don't know. Gentlemen, you can confirm or deny. You can confirm or deny whether that is how your cock works, but that's not how my cock works. If I'm taking a leak, I'm like, right, I think that's probably enough now. I'll just turn it to the right. Good. No, to switch it off. That's not how cocks work. But obviously, this is not what the sign is supposed to mean.

I'll explain it all now. So the intended meaning, I think, is this, to stop the water, turn the tap to the right, right? So this is probably a tap. A tap is a thing that you open to get water. And then when you finish with the water, you close the tap or turn off the tap, right? So this is probably a sign about a tap. And maybe it just means if you want to stop the water, turn the

Turn the cock to the right. The cock is the part of the tap that you turn in order to open and close it. Maybe this is a tap that leaks, so water drips out of it. And, you know, you need to turn it tightly to the right in order to stop the leak. Yeah. Hence, to stop leak, to stop the water coming out, turn the cock to the right. You turn that part of the tap to the right. Right. Okay.

So to stop the water, turn the tap to the right. But the rude meaning is to stop urinating, turn your penis to the right. Because you've got a leak. A leak can be when you urinate. So for example, to take a leak, right? To go for a pee, to urinate, to take a leak. So a leak can be a pee, right? A wee, a piss, which is a bit rude. So stop leak.

Turn cock to the right. So cock, another meaning of the word cock, and this is quite rude, is this is a sort of slang word for a penis. Okay. It's also a word for a male chicken, which is also potentially confusing if you live on a farm, I suppose. It's unlikely that you're going to be in a situation where...

You confuse a chicken and a penis, I suppose. I don't know. I don't know your life. But it's like, can you just grab that cock? Sorry? The chicken, of course. Anyway.

To stop urinating, to stop the leak, turn cock to the right, turn your penis to the right. But it should be to stop the water, turn the tap to the right. So the vocab to take a leak is to urinate. And this is most common in American English. We don't tend to say that really in the UK, but although we understand it in the UK, we'd say to go for a piss or to have a wee.

Piss is a bit rude. So cock is a slang word for a penis then. And tap, a tap is the thing in the bathroom or the kitchen where the water comes out. Right, the tap. Turn on the tap, turn off the tap. So again, a correction for the sign would be to turn off the water, turn tap to the right. Okay, all good. How are you doing everyone? Are you doing all right? How's this episode for you? Are you learning something?

Are you enjoying these stupid signs? You are? Okay, good. Let's crack on then, shall we? Let's do some more. So let's go through funny English signs set two. So here are about 10 more signs, nine or 10 more signs. So this one was seen on a poster somewhere in the UK. And it says this, are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help. Are you an adult? So imagine this is actually written on a poster, maybe in the street.

Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help. Another one: in a restaurant somewhere on earth. Not sure where. Open seven days a week and weekends too. Open seven days a week and weekends too. This one was seen on an automatic hand dryer, right? The thing you would use to dry your hands in a toilet. On an automatic hand dryer in a public toilet in England.

And it said this, do not activate with wet hands. Do not activate with wet hands. How am I supposed to use it then? In a maternity ward, in a hospital somewhere, the sign, no children allowed in a maternity ward. No children allowed. This one at a cemetery, right? A cemetery or graveyard. And it's this, persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. Uh-huh. On a restaurant menu in Switzerland. On a restaurant menu in Switzerland. Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. This sounds a bit depressing. In a bar in Tokyo. Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. Great. This one was seen at a temple in Bangkok, Thailand. It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man. Sorry, what? Say that again. It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man.

Okay, I'll bear that in mind. Thanks. At a Japanese public bath. Public bath in Japan. Foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub. There's another cock again for you. Foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub.

All right, then let's go through those ones with some explanations and corrections. So the first one, are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help. Well, if I'm an adult who cannot read, how can I read this poster? This is obviously the problem that this is a stupid poster. It's pointless because it's

They're trying to appeal to people who can't read, and they've done it by writing a message on a poster. And if, obviously, their target audience can't read, so obviously this is going to be a pointless sign. Now, this sign can't be corrected, can it really? Maybe, do you know an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help. Please tell them about this sign.

Please read out this sign to any adults in the vicinity who cannot read. Really, they need to turn this into a radio commercial, don't they? Are you an adult that cannot read? Fed up with being unable to read books and having to listen to the radio instead? We can help.

Yeah, make it a radio advert. There's no other way to correct it. How about the one in the restaurant? Open seven days a week and weekends too. Well, wait a minute. How many days are there in a week? Nine? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Zan Day and Zing Day and Saturday and Sunday. Open seven days a week and weekends too. Obviously, seven days a week means... Seven days a week obviously includes weekends too.

This is stupid. So the correction would simply be open seven days a week, including weekends. I mean, including weekends is unnecessary, but if you really need to emphasise that this also includes the weekends, that's how you do it. But otherwise, open seven days a week would be enough. What about the automatic hand dryer in England in the toilet?

Do not activate with wet hands, which is totally stupid, isn't it? Because obviously you've just washed your hands and your hands are all wet and you need to dry them with the automatic hand dryer. But do not activate it with wet hands. What? I have to turn it on and then wash my hands and then and then dry them. Is that it? Yeah, I have to activate it before I wash my hands. I have to dry my hands on my jeans.

That's what you need to do. Wash your hands, then dry your hands on your jeans. Make sure they're all dry and then activate the hand dryer and then and then, you know, make and then just enjoy the nice warm air. I don't know. So, again, I don't know how to correct this because it makes no sense. Maybe I don't know what. Do not activate with wet hands. Please ask a friend to activate this hand dryer or please use your elbow.

Please use a dry part of your body to activate this hand dryer. Please use cock to... No, that wouldn't be dry, would it? I suppose. Anyway, in the maternity ward in the hospital, no children allowed, which is ridiculous because it's a maternity ward.

So a bit of vocab is necessary. Do you know what a maternity ward is? A maternity ward is a part of a hospital where children are born, right? So having a sign in the maternity ward that says no children allowed is pretty ironic, isn't it? Because as soon as the child gets born...

You know, breathe, breathe, push, push, Mrs. Smith, push, you can do it, push, it's almost here, and... Oh, fantastic, you've got a baby girl, isn't she good? Right, get this kid out of here now, no children allowed in the maternity ward. So a maternity ward is a part of a hospital where children are born, so correction would be something like this, no children are allowed to visit the maternity ward, right?

No children are allowed to visit the maternity ward. I suppose it would be something like that. Children are not allowed to wait in this area. Maybe. Okay. The cemetery. Cemetery is a place where people are buried after they've died, I hope. You shouldn't bury anyone when they're alive. Even if they deserve it, you shouldn't really. So at a cemetery, persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

Which makes it sound like you're only allowed to pick flowers from your own grave. You can imagine the hand coming out of the ground and picking flowers from its own grave. Yeah. Maybe they have a problem with zombies in this cemetery, right? Like, just stop picking flowers from other graves. You can only pick flowers from your own grave.

So just, and get back in the ground. Now, obviously, the correction is, please do not pick flowers from, please do not pick flowers from other graves, or even just, please do not pick flowers from graves is probably enough. I think probably what they mean is, you know, if you're visiting the graveyard, if you're visiting the cemetery, don't pick flowers from other graves.

Your own grave, I suppose they include like the grave of a family member, you know, so the members of the family own that grave, right? They own that plot of land. Yeah. Please do not pick flowers from other graves is probably enough. It's a pity to have that in a cemetery though, isn't it? It's kind of like not very appropriate sort of thing to have in a somber place like that. Yeah. Yeah.

On the restaurant menu in Switzerland, our wines, our wines leave you nothing to hope for. You could imagine people drinking the wines and just feeling hopeless. The wines are that bad that you just drink it and you just feel completely hopeless afterwards. Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. You drink the wine and they're just like, oh, the future just looks so bleak.

So this sounds like the wines make you feel completely hopeless. They leave you nothing to hope for. Now, the correction here is just it's not nothing to hope for, but we we say nothing to be desired is the right way of putting it in English. If something leaves nothing to be desired, it means that it's everything you could desire. It's everything you could want. Our wines leave you nothing. Our wines leave nothing to be desired would be the correction.

Yeah, but it's still not great. Still doesn't sound great. Our wines leave nothing to be desired. I don't know. It still doesn't sound great to me. Vocab, to leave nothing to be desired, meaning that there's nothing more that you could want. And also we use that phrase in the other way to leave a lot to be desired. I think that's the problem here is that we tend to use this phrase often.

As a criticism, well, what did you think of the restaurant? Well, I have to say the wine left a lot to be desired. So we tend to use it like that. Something leaves a lot to be desired in the sense that it's not good enough, right? Well, the sauce left a lot to be desired, you know, or what did you think of his teaching? Well, his explanations left a lot to be desired. His classroom management leaves a lot to be desired, meaning his classroom management isn't good enough.

Okay. The one in the bar in Tokyo. Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. Ladies with nuts? What, like ladyboys? Are we talking about ladyboys? That's normally sort of, that's a Thailand thing, isn't it? Normally. But anyway, that's not what they mean. What they actually mean is that cocktails, they're talking about cocktails served with nuts and they're available for women. Special cocktails for the ladies.

Served with nuts, right? So nuts though is the okay. The thing here is that the word nuts. This is a slang word meaning testicles All right, so we've had a cock meaning a penis and now we've got nuts meaning testicles balls is another word just in case you were thinking nuts is good Luke, but you got anything else good if any other words for testicles don't really feel like saying nuts I'd like to say something else balls. Got it. Thanks a lot Luke.

Thanks a lot, Luke. That will be very useful. Cock, balls, great. This is the kind of useful, this is the useful English I've been waiting for. Now I can proceed with confidence. Thanks a lot. Yes. So what they mean is that the cocktails served with nuts are available for women. So nuts, yes, this is slang for testicles.

You know, like, have you ever had a football hit you in the nuts? Bang! Oh, God, what's the matter? Oh, God, the ball hit me in the nuts. Oh, God. Hold on a minute. A correction for the sign could be this. Maybe you can just pass this on if you know the people who run this bar. You can let them know. Special cocktails for the ladies served with nuts. OK.

That removes the ambiguity. I mean, if you've got a dirty mind, you'll probably find a way to think of the rude meaning. Or if I've planted the rude meaning into your mind, obviously, you're only going to think of the rude meaning. But this would certainly be better. Special cocktails for the ladies served with nuts. Yeah.

And that served with nuts definitely has to be an afterthought. I've put a comment, I've put a comma, special cocktails for the ladies, comma, served with nuts. That helps, that little pause helps. Maybe the design of the sign would need to incorporate the served with nuts in a sort of lower position or in smaller text, for example. Special cocktails for the ladies, served with nuts. You know, extra info. Um...

Okay, so what about the temple in Bangkok? Again, no disrespect meant. I intend no disrespect with these signs. And as I said at the beginning, we're looking at like signs that are from every country. Everyone got embarrassed by these. So it's okay, right? If it's everyone. At a temple in Bangkok, it's forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man.

There's a lot going on here. There is a lot going on here. So it sounds like you are not allowed to enter a woman, meaning penetrate a woman, meaning have penetrative sex with a woman, even if you're a foreigner dressed as a man. That's what it sounds like. You're not allowed to have sex with a woman, even if you're a foreigner dressed as a man. That's still, even if you're a foreigner and you're dressed as a man, it's still not okay.

What they actually mean is that women are not allowed to enter this temple, even foreigners and even if they're wearing male clothing. This is actually a very sensitive issue. I don't mean to be kind of glib about it, you know, because I've been to Thailand. I've been to a lot of the temples and stuff in Thailand. And, you know, these are obviously very traditional places and they've got their sort of certain rules relating to them, which...

Some foreign visitors disrespect, you know, but it is what it is. Um, but some of the temples in Thailand, basically women are not allowed to go into them. There's not many of those temples, but still for some reason, women are not allowed to enter. I'm not going to go into the reasons why I don't really know the reasons why it's just the, the kind of culture of that religion, right? Some of the, some of the temples, I think most of the temples, uh,

ask women to wear sort of respectful clothing so to cover up parts of their bodies. So if they're like female tourists from, you know, like wherever, the UK or something, in Thailand, it's hot and sunny there. So the girls are kind of like wearing, you know, skimpy clothes, short shorts, revealing tops because it's hot weather.

and they go into the temples with parts of their bodies sort of showing, like legs or whatever, you know? You know what I mean? Then that's disrespectful, and the temples say, please cover yourself up. You can wear a scarf or whatever. But then other temples actually say that women aren't allowed in, even if they are dressed as a man, like even if they're dressed in trousers or wearing clothes that men normally wear.

Yeah, but I mean, it's forbidden to enter a woman. It's forbidden for a woman to enter. It's forbidden for women to enter. Women are not allowed to enter, even if... How do you translate this? Even if appropriately dressed. Even foreigners dressed in appropriate clothing. Difficult to correct.

Women are forbidden to enter, including foreigners dressed in men's clothing. There you go. Yeah, but it's a bit of a complicated one, isn't it, that? Yeah. Okay, moving on. The Japanese public bath. So public baths in Japan, I guess these are like onsen, sort of fantastic places where you can go and lie in the hot water and have a lovely, relaxing time.

Right. But yeah, foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub. Yeah, it is certainly not appropriate to pull your cock when you're in a public bath. Wait, no, that's not what they mean. That is not what they mean. I mean, you know, so what it sounds like, what it sounds like is foreign guests are requested not to masturbate when they're in the bath.

Right? Pull cock would mean to pull the... you get the idea. In the tub. A tub is another word for a bathtub or a... yeah, like a pool of water. Yeah. Now, the correction could be foreign guests are kindly requested not to operate the tap in the bathtub. Right? Foreign guests are kindly requested, and that makes it nice and polite, not to operate the tap in the bathtub.

Yeah, it's the word cock, isn't it? I mean, it's the word cock. Don't say cock, use tap. That's fine. That's fine. So maybe what's been going on is that foreign guests have been coming into the onsen, into the public bath, and they've been like fiddling with the tap, trying to add more water or something like that. And the Japanese staff are like, oh God, how can we get these

these people to stop turning on the tap, you know, like all the Japanese people would never do that. You know, they understand the rules, but the foreigners are like, it's a, it's a, it's a bit hot. How can we add more water? Like, and all the other guests are like, Oh God, they're fiddling with a tap again. Someone needs to put up a sign. Ask, ask Hiroshi. Hiroshi speaks English and Hiroshi's like, how do I, how do I write this?

And maybe he translates it. It was probably easier to use a translation. I'll just use my... I'll do a direct translation. Foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub. There you go. No problem. No. Do not operate the tap. Yeah. You know what, listeners? This is where we're going to end. On that important piece of advice about not pulling your cock when you're in a public bath...

Just a little reminder there. And also not to fiddle with the tap in the onsen. We're going to leave on this particularly useful piece of advice. And we're going to end the episode here. Okay, I do have more of these signs, but I'll leave those for another episode for another time. I've got about another 20 or so signs. Some of them are very funny. My favourite one, in fact, is yet to come.

But we're going to leave it here because I think this feels like a good moment. Because if I carry on and do the rest, then we'll end up with a...

an episode that maybe is a bit too long. So I think we'll stop here. I hope that you have learnt some interesting things from this episode. Don't forget you can check out the PDF. You will find all of the stuff I've been reading, the signs, the explanations, the vocabulary, the corrections, all my comments, all that stuff is written on the PDF and you'll find a summary of loads of vocabulary, a very nicely detailed vocabulary list with all

definitions, examples, memory prompts, things to help you remember words that you've seen, and also little discussion questions to help you practice using the words and phrases. Let's have a little look. Let's have an example. So we go to the top of the list. We've got...

We've got ambiguous, right? I talked about ambiguous signs. So the definition ambiguous means open to more than one interpretation. Having a double meaning or something that's not completely clear in its meaning could mean one thing or another thing. It's ambiguous. An example sentence. The sign was ambiguous, leaving people unsure whether the trail was open or closed. So people are walking along a trail and they come to a sign and they're like, wait a minute, does this sign mean the trail is open or closed?

I don't know what the sign would say. Sign subject to potential closure. Something like that. Like potential closure? Does that mean it's closed or it's not closed? So it's an ambiguous sign. A comment. Ambiguity often causes confusion, especially in written instructions or warnings, which is why it's important to be clear.

Okay, a memory prompt. So this is what you would use to help you remember the word. Have you ever seen a sign that could mean two different things? And you'd say, yeah, I've seen a few ambiguous signs. So you just try to use the word in your answer. Try and recall the word and actually use it. Really important to do that. Make yourself aware.

Come up with the word from your own memory and actually use it. A discussion question, just something to give you something to talk about, hopefully using the vocab. Why might it be important to avoid ambiguous language or signs or...

Let me start again. Why might it be important to avoid ambiguous language in signs or instructions? Why would it be important to avoid ambiguous language in instructions, like safety instructions? Obviously, you've got to be absolutely clear in your instructions so that people know exactly what you mean. For example, if you work in a go-karting centre, a place where people race go-karts around a track, and you're there to give the safety information, there's no

There's no point giving ambiguous safety instructions. Like when you sit in the go-kart, you might want to keep your arms inside. You might want to just keep your arms inside the car for a few different reasons. It's not so much ambiguous as more just unclear. But, you know, it's basically really important to be very clear so that people know exactly what they should and shouldn't do.

to save people time and to make sure that the message gets communicated. That's why ambiguous language should be avoided in signs, instructions, in legal documents and things. And mnemonic, a thing to help you remember. You can think ambi, which means both, and we have the word like ambidextrous. Someone who's ambidextrous can use both hands equally well. Ambi and ambidextrous.

The 'gu'-ous part is like 'guess', right? 'Ambi' meaning both and 'gu'-ous is like 'guess', as in you can always guess both ways. Does that help you remember? Ambigu'ous. You can guess both ways. Ambigu'ous.

Sometimes mnemonics can really help you remember a word. Sometimes they are more complicated than the word itself, in which case you probably just forget about it. But some of these mnemonics can really help you to recall the words. And there are similar notes in this list for loads of the vocabulary in this episode. Baggage handlers, to break down, to break something down, etc.

Let me break it down for you. To break in and a break in, right? To a burglary, to burgle, a burglar. We've got a cock, right? To complain or a complaint. Some of these, I think, come from the second set of signs. So I'm going to work this out. I'll

I'll make sure that the vocab from part one is included in the PDF for part one. And when I do part two, whenever that is, I'll add the vocab from part two at the end of the PDF for part two. So I'll fix it. I'll sort it out. But that's the end of this episode. I don't know when I'm going to do part two of this, but you can just let me know. Did you enjoy this? Did you find it useful? I hope so. I'll do part two at some point in any case. It'll probably be in a few episodes time.

but it's something I can come back to and finish later on. Yeah, thanks for listening to this. I hope you found it useful and enjoyable. And if you work in a hotel or if you work in a place where signs like this are important, then hopefully it's given you kind of a few things to watch out for. Like if you work in a zoo and you don't want people to feed animals

the guard or if you basically don't want people to pull their cock in the bathtub then you know exactly what to write okay everyone have a lovely morning afternoon evening or night wherever you are in the world whatever you happen to be doing at this moment in your life thank you for joining me for the last

hour and 10 minutes or so and I will speak to you next time on the podcast but for now it's just time to say goodbye bye bye bye bye bye thanks for listening to Luke's English podcast

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