cover of episode Countess Luann

Countess Luann

2024/10/30
logo of podcast Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware

Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware

Key Insights

Why did Countess Luann divorce her first husband?

Her first husband left her for a princess from Ethiopia.

What is Countess Luann's heritage?

Her mother is French-Canadian, and her father is American-Indian, specifically part of the Mi'kmaq tribe. She is a quarter Canadian.

Why did Countess Luann get arrested in Palm Beach?

She walked into the wrong room at her hotel, likely due to maids turning down the beds and her pressing the wrong floor on the elevator. She was charged with disorderly conduct, refusing arrest, and battery on a police officer.

What is Countess Luann's last supper menu?

Appetizer: Twice baked potato with caviar from Caviar Caspia. Main: Rib eye steak with truffle fries. Dessert: Chocolate mousse. Drink: A good Bordeaux.

Why does Countess Luann perform in Giovanni dresses?

Dorinda introduced her to Giovanni, a fashion label known for its bling and sequins. Despite a heckling incident, Luigi Giovanni continues to support her, and she looks fabulous in the dresses.

What is the Countess's relationship with the queer community like?

She has a long-standing relationship with the queer community, which has adored her for a very long time. However, it took her a while to gain respect in the cabaret community.

Why did Countess Luann sell her divorce ring from Tom?

She sold it to buy herself a Cartier watch after Tom stepped out on her.

What is Countess Luann's favorite dish from her childhood in Connecticut?

Every Sunday after church, her mother would cook steak, mashed potatoes, fried onions, and green beans.

Why did Countess Luann decide to reintroduce alcohol into her life after a period of sobriety?

Her daughter Victoria's sobriety inspired her to stop drinking. Later, she decided to drink on occasion, especially during the Ultimate Girls Trip to St. Barts.

What is the Countess's upcoming show 'Countess Cabaret' about?

It combines stand-up, music, and fashion, featuring many costume changes and a blend of pop culture, cabaret, and comedy.

Chapters
Jessie Ware recounts her birthday celebration at Simon Rogan's three Michelin-starred restaurant, Long Clune, detailing the exquisite dishes and wine pairing experience. The meal included unique elements like seaweed caviar with bone broth and a birch sap-infused cheese croissant.
  • Michelin-starred meal at Long Clune
  • Seaweed caviar, bone broth, oysters
  • Birch sap-infused cheese croissant

Shownotes Transcript

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So if you're looking for a gift for the food lover in your life, head to goldbelly.com and get 20% off your first order with promo code GIFT. Hello and welcome to Table Manners. I'm Jessie Ware and we are sitting in New Cross. Lenny's looking glamorous. Am I? Don't know why. I'm now 40 years old. Darling. Why do you feel sorry for me? I feel really good about it. I don't feel sorry for you at all. You just went, darling. I was just about to say I wish I was 40. Oh, okay.

But I don't understand how you're 40 when I'm only 26. That is a big mystery. It's one of the mysteries of the world. So I've had a bit of a birthday week. Sam, gorgeous husband Sam, took me as a surprise. He pulled all the stops out, haven't he? To Simon Rogan, past guest of the podcast, his three Michelin star restaurant in Cartmel in the Lake District, Long Clune. Darling, when did Sam book it? Four months ago. Shh.

Apparently. Very good. Very impressed. He's actually... I think I probably had a gun to his head at that point, probably saying, I hope you've organised something special. OK. I definitely led the horse to water and he drank it. I think he did incredibly well. It was amazing. The food and the staff and everything about Long Clume was just so special. Did you stay there? I stayed in their little guest house, which was gorgeous. I was so hungover the next day.

because we did the wine pairing but we shared wine pairing I obviously didn't hydrate when I looked at this stunning Rogan and Co breakfast I mean the staff all looked at me I was like that person I saw darling it was I was in a hot mess what I don't understand is why you're such a lightweight your jeans are not lightweight jeans in terms of drinking

Anyway, I just want to say thanks to the Long Clume. What was your favourite thing? My favourite dish out of the 15 dishes. And bear in mind, we also added a cheese plate to that, which I'm so glad we did because we had this truffle brie that they make there and with these oat cakes, which honestly, heaven. So you had 15 glasses of wine as well? No. Okay. I think about eight. Eight.

And Sam decided to have pre-drinks with me. Okay. And I'm a lightweight, so it was completely silly. You need to... And he decided port. You need to drink more, darling, to get more practice. What were my favourites? There was an amazing... Which, on paper, kind of you go, eh. A seaweed caviar. I can see your face. No, I'm not. It sounds interesting. With, wait, bone broth and bone marrow and oysters. Like, all the things that would make you go...

It was amazing. Amazing. That was your favourite thing? That was one of my favourites. Also, their posh cheese on toast. It was on like a croissant. And of course, because Simon Rogen, if you've listened to the episode, you'll know that he only uses produce that he can grow. So instead of maple syrup, he used birch sap. So it was this like gorgeous, grated, beautiful, sharp cheese on this...

a croissant that they'd made that then had birch sap on it. So it was like a gorgeous French toast. How he thinks it all up. Cheese on top. It was heaven. Was he there? He wasn't. Oh. But they were all so lovely and I just, it was very, very magical. He's often on the Great British Menu. Yes.

And then we had to stop because bless Sam, he may have organised that, but he's not very good with fucking transport. He ain't a tour manager just yet. And so we had a two hour stopover in Lancaster. Lancaster, lovely. Went to a gorgeous coffee shop. Yes. No, don't. It's fine. It's fine. Because we went to this gorgeous coffee shop called Atmosphere.

And I had the most delightful coffee ever. So shout out to Atkinson's. And then we came back and I've just been eating and drinking. And now we are cooking for a countess. I think our first countess. Yeah, I think she is. Do you know anything about this woman? The only thing I know is that she was on Tim Gunn's Guide to Style, which our lovely Sarah produced. My cousin Sarah. And she said she was great, great fun. Was she as late as she is today? No.

I don't think so, because I think it was much more organised. So I've cooked a lovely meal. However, we have a little problem where my daughter has a concert that I cannot miss. So when we asked the Countess if we could start at 12.30, they said 12.45. We were like, we'll make it work.

However, the Countess is going to be an hour late. An hour. So my poached chicken is going to be quite over poached. The strudel, we may not even get to the strudel because apparently we may have only 30 minutes with the Countess. So thank God I've brought in Barry. My friend Barry has come here because when I said to him, who we are both Housewives fans...

So Barry is a fan of the podcast, always thrilled. You can speak Barry, there's a mic there for you. Hi everyone. You're right. Barry also has featured at the beginning of my album That Feels Good as one of the, if you've heard the sexy Scottish voice on That Feels Good, that was Barry. So Barry, when I said I had Countess Luanne, I knew he would be very excited and I said how am I going, because see I'm quite a purist and I've only really done Housewives of Beverly Hills and I've

I've started on... Amateur. Amateur. Yeah, amateur. Because there are how many Housewives series? Pfft.

I would say, actively at the minute, around 12. Yes, actively. Okay, tell me them all, Barry, because I don't know any of them. Okay, Beverly Hills, New York, Potomac, Atlanta. Salt Lake City, come on. Salt Lake's a cracker. Is New Jersey? Yeah, that's another one. Dubai, Melbourne. Dubai? I don't know if Melbourne lasted. Melbourne is no longer on air, but I can highly recommend. Yeah. Cheshire? Cheshire.

And is that all footballers' wives? We have to watch it to find out, Len. And do you... Is it just reality television, watching them moaning about their husbands? It is so much more than that, Lenny. OK. It's girls gone wild, like, times 100. Was it Kelsey Grammer's ex-wife in it? Spot on. Yes. Beverly Hills. Anyway, I started the reboot of Housewives of New York City has come back with a whole new cast.

So the Countess isn't in it anymore? No, because the Countess is doing very well. Life is a cabaret. So what is the Countess doing at the moment? Well, let's just rewind for a moment, because when I said to Barry, how the hell, because I know the Countess Luanne is a kind of cultural LGBT icon. Why? Why do you love her so much, Barry? Why?

think out of all the housewives particularly in New York she had the the biggest journey so she went from in the first season being this very prim and proper countess who was writing books on etiquette yeah and now part of the reason why she's late today is she was at G.E.Y. performing her latest cabaret on stage can she sing?

Or would sing not be the right description. She has her own style. She has her style. She can put a song across. So when I said to Barry, we've got the Countess, what am I going to do because I can't do 15 seasons of Housewives of New York City? He gave me the greatest cliff notes and guided me through each season to understand the arc of Countess Luanne's journey and the best bits. This will include Be Cool, Don't Be Uncool.

which will make no sense to you. Yeah. You've just got to be cool today, Mum. Don't be uncool. Just don't be uncool. Just don't be uncool. What is uncool, though? It became part of her thing. She shagged a pirate.

She was having a wild time. Where were they? Turks and Caicos? What do you mean she shagged a pirate? Just to correct you on that, there's two separate incidents. There are two separate. This is when she had the friends. Go on, Barry. What is shagging a pirate, for God's sake? Allegedly. Did he have an eye patch on? He did. Okay, fine. He resembled a very young Johnny Depp. Okay. Yeah, the incident...

Jesse's referring to was a cast trip one morning two of her castmates burst into her room she was unhappy with them she pointed out to them that she could have potentially had a gentleman caller in the room at the time and she just kind of came out with her sunglasses on bikini a little bit hung over maybe about to make eggs a la francaise who knows spot on spot on and she just told them all to be

Cool, but don't be uncool. Yeah. And it's become one of our main catchphrases. Okay. Barry has been here. God, do you know the whole script and everything? And Barry is a very talented, successful man who cultured. This is why, Mum, maybe you need to jump on the Housewives bag. No, I don't, darling. I don't. So anyway. It's just a stress relief. It really is. I literally never watched one episode of Real Housewives before lockdown.

I actually bumped into the guy that created it, Andy Cohen, at a party in December 2019. And I'd had a few to drink at this party. And I literally asked him what he did.

And legitimately had a bit of a lame two-minute conversation and kind of moved on. And then literally six months later... He's your god. Absolutely. Andy Cohen is like the mastermind behind it. He also does these brilliant... Doesn't he have a podcast?

He does, and he has everything, what happens live. He also, we want him on the podcast, and he also chairs these reunions where he is the mediator between all these women who have got to the end of the season, they've watched it, and then they've seen what each other's said about each other, and it kicks the fuck off. And he's Jewish as well. He'd love your chicken soup. Yes. Would he? Okay, to explain to people that don't watch Housewives...

Countess Luan has performed at Mighty Hoopla, the Queer Festival in London, and you had in the audience people like Tilda Swinton, Elizabeth Day, self-esteem. These are people that adore this woman. She now has a friendship with Tilda Swinton, I believe. Correct. Correct. What's on the menu, darling? What have you done? I have done... Producer Alice showed me a recipe that her brother made for Sunday lunch and she said it was amazing.

it's called boiled chicken but we're not going to call it boiled chicken we're going to say it's

poached in a lovely stock. What would attract you to make that recipe when it's called boiled chicken? That would put me off straight away. Well, because Alice ate it and said it was delicious. I understand that. Don't judge a book by its cover, Mum. No, that's what I'm saying. Why doesn't he change the description? Yes. Because boiled chicken just sounds disgusting. It's what I do for the cat. Well, this is why I'm serving the countess. It's a terrible recipe.

Terrible word. Yes, it's a terrible word. You're right. You're right. Very odd. His name's Chef Matt Moran. He's a chef and restaurateur and a farmer. And he makes this poached chicken where you do it in this gorgeous stock, which is fresh chicken stock, star anise, cinnamon, sugar, sherry vinegar, mirin, soy, orange peel. It smells amazing. And then what you do is you kind of bring it to the boil, simmer it for 20 minutes, the stock, and then you just put your whole chicken in.

and turn it off. You do two minutes cooking, turn it off. So it cooks in the steam. So we're not going to give her salmonella? Well, she's not fucking coming anyway, so it doesn't matter. And now the chicken was supposed to be 90 minutes in there. Well, Luanne's making sure it's... Now, Barry, Barry, as an avid Luanne and Housewives fan, is this quite on brand for Countess Luanne to be over an hour late? 100%. Right. Normally, she...

Makes an excuse about coming from uptown and the traffic in New York. Should we see how that... Oh, the first thing she'll say. Yeah. Yeah. So this is on brand. So I guess we're getting the authentic. Well, she's famously a diva. Yeah. I can out-diva her. Let's see. Any time. I'm scared. To be honest, I really like Countess Luanne on all the series, and I think she's got...

She gets a lot of stick from all the other housewives. She could get a lot of stick from this housewife today as well. I'm now starting to understand. I thought that we were all being a bit hard on her. No. But maybe I'm going to tell her some hard truths. In the words of Lainey, this is fabulous. Fabulous. Let's see if she's wearing Giovanni today. What's Giovanni? Oh, God. It feels so good. There's so much to understand.

What is Giovanni? Giovanni. Giovanni. It's a fashion label that does very bling and sequins. So we've got lots to ask her when she turns up. And very kindly, she has said that she'll wait for me to come back from my daughter's concert to do part two. There you go. Countess Luanne featuring Barry and Lenny and Jessie on Table Manners when she gets here. If she gets here. I don't think so.

That is an outfit, darling. That is an outfit. Oh my God. Giovanni. Jessie, this is Giovanni. Of course it is. Wow, that is an outfit. Giovanni. It's Giovanni.

Wow. So how do you hold it all up, darling? It has cups. And do you stick them in? No, it's built in. Oh, it's built into this whole thing. It's built into the whole thing. It looks like you're supporting it, like a cantilever, exceptional body. What I love about Giovanni dresses is that they all have cups.

So you don't have to worry about bras. Jessica. Right. You need Giovanni, darling. Yeah, we do. We totally do. We all need Giovanni. Right? Right. Where have you been? I have been, oh my God, I've been. Well, I know where you were. You were at GAY last night, weren't you? Yes, I was. So you're an hour late, Luan. Oh, no, it's the traffic, darling, I'm telling you.

So listen, I am a Housewives fan. And I have to apologize right now because I started with Beverly Hills. Oh, well, that's okay. I know all those girls. So I'm a purist. And then I started the reboot of New York City. Yes. And I knew of you, of course. And I heard about your incredible performance. Darling, give her the glass of wine. Goodness sake. Well, nice to meet you. I missed you at Hoopla. Well, I missed you at Hoopla, but Tilda Swinton did.

I know. She's great. I love her. So, sorry, Mum. Thank you. It's fine, darling. Cheers, darling. Love, fine. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers, Mum. I have now watched 11 seasons of Housewives in the space of 10 days, thanks to this fine gentleman, Barry. Oh, hi, Barry. Super fine. Oh, thank you so much. Now, Barry, Barry...

Is a super fan, but also Barry is like the chief financial officer of, was of Victoria Beckham, Christopher Kane, so he... I've got a D job. He has a J job, but his main passion is housewives, so...

So when I was like, right, how I need to understand. Right. Right. What's going on with her? I understand. I think I understand. Now you get it. Right. And I've never watched it. So, you know, for example, the cabaret show, you know, they never show it because of music rights. So they're not going to pay for a Bravo show.

So they only show the drama around it, so you never really get to understand my cabaret show and what it is, right? Well, I'm going to come in February because you're doing a UK tour, aren't you? I am, yeah. So anyway, there's always this squabble around it, you know, and this is where Giovanni, the song, was born because... Dorinda. Yeah, Dorinda introduces me to Giovanni. Now I walk in there, I put on something, and I walk out. You know, they don't have to alter it. Yeah, but look at her figure, darling. I know. I know.

Anyway, so, but then she got pissed because I looked so good in the dresses. And she was heckling. And she heckled me. She was not being classy. Who was heckling? One of my castmates was heckling me from the stage. It's my first cabaret show. Yes. I mean, she behaved terribly. What would you say about that in your book? About heckling? About heckling?

I mean, who would heckle somebody? It was, do you have... What was she shouting? She was shouting, Giovanni! Giovanni! Giovanni! Because she was pissed off that... Does she wear Giovanni as well? Well, not anymore. LAUGHTER

Not anymore, but... She was just jealous because she looked fabulous. It's like saying, I introduced you to a designer, right? Yeah. And you go there and you like their things and you have a relationship with them and then you're doing a cabaret show. So they start giving you clothes for your cabaret show. I can imagine she's doing a cabaret now. Right? As a girlfriend, are you going to say, you can't wear Giovanni. I mean, I wear Giovanni. You know what I mean? It was not cheap. That's real jealousy in that movie. Oh yeah, real jealousy. I'm team Luann. Go on.

The jealousy has been going on for years, you know. But you sound like real bitches to me. Mean girls. Oh, they are. They are.

feel like you actually came across as the least mean girl of all of them? I'm not mean. I'm always trying to defend myself against the mean girls. Why do you think you did so many series? Was it good money? It was good money. And good exposure? Good money and staying on television. Because you had such a journey throughout the seasons. You got divorced. You got married again. You got divorced again. You found out about it.

I got arrested. You did get arrested. Oh my God, why were you arrested, darling? It's a long story, but I was, you know, I went to, I got married in Palm Beach, right, to my second husband. Okay, who was the first? He checked all the boxes. Darling, who was the first one? First husband, I married a French aristocrat. That's why I'm count. Oh, wow. Right, we built the Suez Canal, Panama Canal, and actually gave the Statue of Liberty to the U.S. for the French. Why did you divorce him? Well, he left me for a princess from Ethiopia. What can I tell you? He left you?

He did. Yep, he left me. I'm sorry. Oh, it was rough. You were very in love with him. I was. He was my whole life. But that's where I found Deepak Chopra and found, wow, there's somebody in here besides this and life, right? Wow, there's a soul in here.

So I discovered meditation and yoga and, anyway, and, you know, moved on. But they saved me. Deepak saved me. I was like a mess. I was going to run my car into a tree so my husband would have to come home and see me in the hospital. That's where my head was at. I was like... Did you financially, because he... Oh, no, financially he's always taken care of me until I got more and more...

And then he made more money than he kind of stopped giving me.

But always the kids. I always took care of the kids. Okay. How many children do you have? Two. Two. Are they, how old are they? Victoria, who's 29. And Noel? And my son, Noel, who's 28. He's just behind her. They're 22 months apart. I met the Count in Switzerland. I was a TV star in Italian television. Oh, wow. So you speak Italian? I speak Italian and French. And French. Okay. And Spanish and English. Okay. But anyway, so I went to model in Milan and it didn't do well. And I found television.

and became a TV star in Italy. And then I went skiing in Switzerland, and I met my French aristocratic husband at a dinner party. We get married two weeks later. Two weeks? Marianne, Haste, Luanne? No, they stayed together for a very long time. How long? 16 years. Oh, that's a long time. And I have my two children with me. And you've got your two gorgeous children. Yeah, exactly. They were born of pure love and magic. You know, when the magic happens, jump on the train. Don't be the one left standing on the platform.

Anyway, we met at a dinner party and that was it. And we literally left a week later and

and tried to figure out, we went to Paris to a party and then we're going, "Where can we get married?" Like right away. And because we had, I had, you know, a princess who was my mentor and she had cancer and I'm a nurse by training. And so I was like looking after her and then she really wanted me to find, she wanted me to be happy and find somebody of that kind of stature. She married an Austrian-Hungarian prince.

A girl from Atlanta, Georgia, or Macon, Georgia, I should say, who used to work in the early days with Bob Hope and radio.

Wherever there's hope, there's honey. So that was her thing. And she married an Austrian-Hungarian prince. And, you know, she hung out with Princess Grace. And, you know, I mean, we'd go to London or Paris. It was, you know, Givenchy, speed house, Givenchy. We'd go shopping at Givenchy. Givenchy opens the door. He's like 6'10". So tall. Anyway, she had all these very fancy friends and aristocrats. And she became my mentor.

And she goes, I want you to marry me. So she knew the parents of Alex. His father was ambassador to Monaco for 40 years. So Alex grew up around Princess Grace, etc. But he was the rebel. He went to college in America. He threw arms into the river during the Vietnam War. Okay. With SDS against the war, etc. You know, college student, etc.,

Anyway, so it was very kind of Americanized and not the typical aristo who is not going to marry an American like me. Right? Because I don't come from a certain family. And where were you from? You were from Connecticut? Connecticut, yeah. You know I'm from Connecticut. Listen, yes, I've learned a lot about you in the last 10 days. And I'm fully obsessed. And I need to know. I listened to one of your songs on the way over here.

and should we talk about this actually I don't know whether you've had whether you've heard about this somebody mentioned that it was like money yes so I had a song I had an album out called That Feels Good and when it came out there's a song called Shake the Bottle and on it I assume this character it could work in the cabaret actually and and I'm speaking like Jimmy lies Jimmy cries Jimmy's just like other guys and it's

I had not watched Housewives of New York City by any point. Elegance and flair and savoir faire. So have you heard this then? The mashup? Yeah, well, I want to hear that part. No, I haven't. Okay, so somebody... No, I was listening to your music on the way over here, but I didn't hear that. A fabulous gay man has mashed us up together. Oh, come on. I say gay. I presume gay. Do you know about this, Roger? No.

You don't know about this? Oh my God, she has class with the Countess. Shake the Class. Hang on. I love that. Because my song's called Shake the Bottle and yours is Shake the Class. So let's just see. Okay. Somebody put this. This was a long time ago. Someone said Shake the Bottle by Jessie Ware was giving Money Can't Buy You Class by Countess Luanne. So without further ado...

What? I know. Men are poor. You're never going to have the boys you want. But I just want them. I can't stand it. So there you go. That's me and you collaborating. No, how funny. Thank you, the internet. No, you have to send that to us. I need that. So, and I have to say that...

People thought, you know, I'd assume the role of Countess Luan, which now in hindsight, I...

This was serendipity that we're meeting. In fact, I was really thinking about Erica Jane at that point. Oh, as your Beverly Hills girl. No, I'm a Luann girl. I have to say. But anyway, so I just thought that was so funny that this happened before we were meant to meet. This was kind of a year and a half ago, but we've already had our own mashup. How funny. And I didn't even know about it. Well, I feel like maybe we should perform it at Hoopla. Headliner and money Hoopla. Oh, please. Now, listen, you did Hoopla last year.

June. Oh, this year, sorry. We're still in this year. Yeah. You did it this year. Yes. I think you were on the day before me. Okay. And I just... People like Elizabeth Day, who you now have met, I think, who does one of the most famous podcasts called How to Fail. Oh, okay.

I don't know about that. You should be doing that. She had her own bomber jacket with Chic C'est La Vie. Roger, will you text? You should definitely. And she got a photo with you. She's called Elizabeth Day. And the podcast? How to Fail. Elizabeth Day, How to Fail. And you need to do it because she...

She adores you. Oh, really? And has spoken about you so much and had a vomit at you. You should definitely do it. Absolutely. I'm going to listen to everything you tell me. The thing about Countess Luan is that you show yourself and everyone feels like they know you and we've ridden the highs and lows with you. That's right. And then you have these fans like Elizabeth Day, Tilda Swinton. Can you explain to me how the Tilda Swinton... And the girl from Bridgerton. Yeah.

Nicola Cullen. Nicola, she did a spoof on my song. Yes, she did. So you've got that. Shoes, more shoes. People love you. Can you explain to me what happened with the Tilda Swinson thing? Because Tilda, I mean, I've seen things of her being like, is she here? Is she here yet? Is she talking about you in such anticipation? Where did you meet?

Well, she came to the Coco Club. Okay, yes, when you did your show. Where's the Coco in Camden? Oh, it's fabulous. First of all, she came to Hoopla. I heard she was coming. I didn't know because there was 40,000 people there or something. And then she came to the Coco Club.

and Glyn had an after party for me at Coco. Glyn's good at after parties, isn't he? I love him. We love him. I love him. And so she came, sorry, come to the after party, and she comes running over to me, wraps her arms around me. Did you know who she was? Yeah, of course, of course. And I started saying,

"Darling, you just spread so much joy, do what you do, you're so entertaining. You've done six shows now in a row. You must have a rest. Why don't you come to my humble little abode in Scotland and I'm going to take care of you, I'm going to cook for you, etc." So she's like a super fan, right? She watches the housewives. And then I have my assistant with me, Roger. So Roger's with me until they has a gay assistant, Lewis.

So I said, you know, Tilla, I've never been to Scotland, so let me see if I can. Now it's a Friday night, and I kept the weekend to see friends. But I'm staying with them, so I've already seen them. So anyway, I said, Roger, let's go to Scotland. So I let the boys figure it out. I don't say it until I say, you know what, I'll let you know. So the boys are in cahoots. So of course we said, you know, we'd love to come to Scotland. Okay.

Oh, good, darling. So we're going to meet at 4.30 at the train station. The train departs at 5. We're going to have crumpets and red wine. I said, okay.

Okay. So then I get on the train and she goes, how's Sonia? She starts asking me about the house. Sonia's a housewife. Sonia's a housewife. Mom doesn't know the show. I don't know any of it. Oh, she's going to love it. I'm going to have to watch it. Mom has a thing with reality TV, which I think you've given reality TV too much of a bad rap. She just won't partake in it. And I actually think that you would be so enamored by these women. She would like New York, I think. Beverly Hills too, probably. Right? Yeah, I mean, I...

So it makes it so you stay the fuck away from mum. Oh, it's crazy. It's crazy. But people love that show because it is crazy. So you had like a five hour train journey with Tilda. So we go with Tilda and then Dorinda is shooting Traitors with Alan Cummings. Amazing. So she's in Scotland, right? So I tried to call her. Are you still friends, even after Giovanni? Oh yeah. Okay, fine. Oh yeah. No, no, no. We're besties. So...

Anyway, so we go and my humble abode, come to mind, it's a castle on like 300 acres. You're kidding. No, from the 800, not 1800, 800, okay. Did you feel you had a lot in common with her before you met her? As a human? Yes. No, I mean, I didn't have anything in common with Tilda Swinton, right? But as a human and as a person, she's so...

down to earth and lovely and eccentric i mean let me give you a water bottle for bed so she brings the hot water bottle with the covered in sheepskin or whatever and then she's louis louis she goes to get four setters right around and when louis was in a movie with her she where she plays her mother i don't know if you've ever seen that she goes on a trip with her mother and she plays the daughter and the mother it's it's it's really interesting and trippy anyway so and she's such a

Oh, unbelievable. So anyway, so Louie comes and she's carrying my Giovanni bags up to my room with the hot water bottle. And then Louie jumping to the bed with the count who's going to keep accompanying me tonight. So she gives me a dog to sleep with.

Oh my God. I mean, beyond. How did you feel? Did you feel okay about that? I felt great about it. We had a fabulous time with her and so now we're friends for life, you know? Okay, so you're having poached chicken, like high-knees chicken. Okay. And just eat what you can. Guess what? I'm hungry. Can we have a little answer?

but also we can just eat and then I will pop up so my daughter has a concert it's just up the road imagine if I bought Luann she would love it

Gets all the year threes to go, sheep, c'est la vie. C'est bon. C'est bon. This is delicious. Good. Can you explain to the listener what eggs a la from says? Well, it's very simple, actually. It's really scrambled eggs, but the French make it this way. You whip the eggs like you would to make scrambled. Splash of water. That's where I've never done that before. Okay, so if you put milk, it separates out the water. Right, okay. So it gets watery. Oh, okay.

Water, you beat into the eggs, salt and pepper. Butter. Saucepan. Yeah. No frying pan. See, okay. On very, very low heat. Very low. And just stir constantly. You could put in goat cheese a little bit if you want. Oh, great. How long is that going to take you to make? Two minutes. Well, for like... It's scrambled eggs. Yeah, but you have to do it very slowly now. You have to just stir on low heat. Okay. Lots of butter.

Right and just keep stirring to the consistency you like and it becomes like whipped potatoes and then you can put pesto on top you can put marinara I like truffle oil myself. We all do yeah, well of course you do you're a countess. I mean do you like we know about egg salafrancaise and I will try it with the water is if you were coming around to yours and

I presume we'd start with eggs a la francaise if we were doing a little kind of... We were doing a tilde where we were staying at yours. I made her eggs a la francaise.

Did she request it? Yes. And did she adore it? She loved it. Now, what would you cook for us if we were coming over? Because apart from egg salad, Francesca, I haven't really seen you cook other stuff. Yeah, well, I make a mean lemon chicken. Yes, I love to cook. A mean lemon chicken, super easy. I make a great pasta. Tell me what's in your lemon chicken. Well, you start with the lemon, right? Yeah.

Juice, about six lemons, four to six, depending on how many people you have. You mix in honey. Yeah. Crushed garlic. And do you have chicken pieces? Pepperoncino, pieces separated, right? So you have the olive juice, the honey, pepperoncino, salt and pepper, crushed garlic, right? Delish. Oh, yeah. And then I put it in a Ziploc bag with the chicken, put it in the fridge a couple hours. Put it in the oven at, what, 375? Yeah.

I don't know what the things are here, but 375, 400, whatever, 425. And for half an hour, skin side down, right? And then after half an hour, you put in the lemon halves around the chicken. Okay.

And olives, right? Olives, and then you turn the skin so it's going to side up so you're going to have a nice brown skin. Lovely. It's delicious. What would you serve it with? Rice. Rice. Now I know, I know. Rice with panoli nuts. Panoli? Panoli. Toasted. Oh, pine nuts. Yeah, pine nuts. Oh, yeah. How did you know that? Roasted pine nuts with...

And I put, when the rice is done, I put in the little raisins. Raisins. Gorgeous. You put raisins, so they get soft raisins. And then the pine nuts, you put it just grilled a little bit. So they're roasted, toasted or whatever. And you mix that with the rice. Luanne, I'm sorry I have my phone on the table. I know that is a faux pas that you would burn something for.

However, I'm checking the time because I now need to go and see my daughter quickly. Now what you can do. I need to talk about a lot. You can talk a lot. No, I'm coming back in 20 minutes. Okay. Probably 25. Doesn't she want to see your daughter?

You're only allowed one ticket. It's like Glastonbury up there. Don't worry. But I will be back and I will be asking some more questions. I'm so sorry to be doing this. This is delicious, by the way. Alice, it's fantastic. Where were you brought up? In Connecticut. And how many in your family? So my mother's French-Canadian, which means she came from Paris to Canada. Yeah. So she's French-Canadian. And my father is American-Indian.

You're kidding. He's part of the Mi'kmaq, not Gungan tribe, but he's Canadian, but his mother was Indian. So he's half, so I'm a quarter Canadian.

Oh, wow. So all his heritage was Native American Indian. Yeah, exactly. So that's where I get, people think I'm European. You've got cheekbones to kill for. Yeah, exactly. You know, and I know, yeah. You know a cheekbone when you see one. I know I'm a cheekbone. I see it. I'm looking for mine. And so you had, so you, how many brothers and sisters? I have four older brothers and one older sister and one younger. So I'm the baby, second to last. So that's,

Seven. Seven. Crack it. And you're second to last baby? Second to last. Okay. That is a big family. What did your dad do? He was a contractor. He passed away like 20 years ago already. Oh, shame. Yeah, at 80. My mother's going to be 96 in January. Oh, that's fantastic. I mean, in December. Do you see her often? Yeah. She's in Connecticut still. I'll show you a picture. You can't believe how she looks. Thank you.

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So if you're looking for a gift for the food lover in your life, head to goldbelly.com and get 20% off your first order with promo code GIFT. I've arrived back. I hear you two have been yakking away, getting on very well. Yes, we have. We've been enjoying our time. I need to bring it back to food. Food. We didn't even get what you ate around the dinner table with your siblings and your mother. Oh, okay. So what would you... What was a memorable dish from your childhood? Well...

We went to church every Sunday. My mother, both my parents are Catholics. So every Sunday we had to take a bath, put a dress on, get dressed appropriately. Are you going to try some or do you want less? I'm going to try it. Good. You don't have to finish it. Thank you. You know what I told your mom? I said, my mentor used to say to me, darling, it's the wine or the dessert, darling. You cannot have both.

Okay, that is... Because of the sugar, you know what I mean? Yeah, right. So she would say, you can have one or the other. I always pick the one. And so both dairy-free? Can this ice cream or some... I'll have to try it if it's... Luanne, do you mind me asking? We're drinking wine today, and in the show, I feel like it would be remiss for me to not acknowledge that you did go to rehab, and you stopped drinking. Yes. And...

How have you kind of reintroduced it and how are you today? Because, I mean, we're drinking wine and I'm acknowledging that and I just don't want to... That's okay. But like, how long have you been drinking again? Well, let's see. I was sober during COVID, thank God. Right, yeah. Because I feel like people were drinking a lot during COVID, right? Yes, yes. And so I was grateful for that. Now my daughter is sober. Okay, okay.

Victoria, yeah. Yeah, Victoria. And so she really inspired me to just stop drinking. And then, you know, after I had a kerfuffle with the...

with the law enforcement of Palm Beach, which we didn't get into yet. You need to tell me. I need to tell you that story because it's a crazy story. But then I did another season. I did an Ultimate Girls trip. Are you familiar with the Ultimate Girls trips? No, but I do have a question about that. Right. Because you've done two. I've done two. First when I was sober. Right. Kyle Richards said to me, you're not drinking as a

And she said, you're so much fun without drinking. So I think that was kind of inspired her a little bit to stop drinking. And she just didn't feel good. And so, you know, bravo to her. It's fun intended. Bravo. So anyway, so I spent many years sober, not drinking. Last ultimate girls trip, we went to St. Burt's. So I decided, you know what? I'm going for a week with the girls, the OGs. And I'm going to drink. I'm going to have a good time with the girls. What does OG mean?

The original The original gangster The original gals Let's call them So now I drink on occasion And this is an occasion Thank you for clarifying that I wanted to understand My relationship also with alcohol changed Do you know what I mean? I was self-medicating at that time I divorced Tom I then got into trouble because I went to Palm Beach where I got married

And I went to the same hotel where I got married. You were like torturing yourself. Which I shouldn't have done. Why did you do that? Well, because I thought I could handle it. Right? So I went there and then I drank a little too much. And I went to the wrong room. Right? Is this where you met the pirate? No. Okay. No, no.

We've got to catch mommy up. So anyway, it's okay. I just told her she should watch some clips, you know, like the famous scene of Bethany. She should. Certain things she should see. It's fantastic.

Fantastic, important television. Okay. So you walked into the wrong room and you can't wait. I walked into the wrong room because the maids were turning down the beds. Pressed the wrong floor in the elevator. Each room looks the same, right? I thought it was my room. Yeah. Now, this is nine o'clock at night. I can drink, most people, under the table. Now, you've been watching me in the houses. Would you say I have a drinking problem?

No. Besides the fact of this happening to me. No, I always... I mean... No, maybe Dorinda. Dorinda. Maybe Sonia. Bless her. She's always got a bit of schmutz on her face, isn't she? She's pissed. No. Oh, no. I always felt that you could handle your liquor and you were always together apart from when you fell in the bush. So, exactly. Well, we were all drinking tequila. But that was fantastic. That was kind of funny. But...

In that way, I'm a happy drunk. You see, I don't get angry. A lot of people can get angry. Anyway, so I went to the wrong room. It can happen to anybody, right? Maids are turning down the beds. Press the wrong floor. I mean, if one thing went differently, it would have never happened. But they know who I am. I spent $50,000 the year before on my wedding at the hotel. Okay, that's not even... It was where I had a luncheon.

The Brazilian court is where I got married. Anyway, we had a weekend of, you know, one more fabulous party, you know, like a destination wedding for New Year's Eve because it was Tom's birthday. So what happens when you go in? So guess what? They come and they say you're in the wrong. After 9.30 p.m., I don't remember anything. So I think somebody put something in my drink, which I couldn't say then. No. Because I would look like, oh, yeah, really? And it's too late now to prove that somebody might have put something in.

At 9.30, I blackout, which is not me. That's so terrifying. I mean, I was at heaven last night until 2 o'clock in the morning judging. Yeah, you were. Right? So it's not me. So something happened to me, but I don't know what happened. It could be emotional, whatever. But they came to me in the wrong room, and I insisted it was not the wrong room, so they called the police.

Why? And I was in handcuffs five minutes in. I mean, but she was also out of handcuffs within five minutes. That's true. Which is quite remarkable. Houdini over here. Maybe they had a fetish. Well, the police saw you and they thought handcuffs. No, you know what I found out? I asked her. I asked the lawyer. You know, it was horrible. I asked the lawyer. I said, how was I able to slip out of my handcuffs? He goes, because.

you're a famous countess from New York who they do not want to hurt. If they hurt you, they're in trouble. So they put them on loosely so I was able to slip out because I was so furious. But guess what, darling? There's no handles on the inside of a cop car. You can't open the door. Of course not. So I wasn't really going anywhere. Well,

Why did they arrest you? I didn't care. I was like, you know, I was like this. I was like... Why did they arrest you, though? Because I was disorderly conduct. I ran from the... Refusing arrest. It was like four counts. Exactly. They charged me with everything. Resisting arrest. And I ran like a child. Like, you want to lock me up? I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't even leave. But you did. I was in my own house. I was checked into the hotel. That's awful. As a guest. As a guest.

I was staying as a guest. I mean, Andy Cohen was thrilled, though. Thrilled. Great challenge.

Well, no, it took me a while. They did eventually, totally. They're totally not on my record. No, because... They got a whole season of Housewives out of it. They sure did. How did that make you feel? Was that okay? Did you feel in control of that? I felt in control of that because I decided to stop drinking. And so it was now it's now... Now I told Andy the story, but, you know, I couldn't. And you know what? The policeman that arrested me, he went to jail. For what? For what?

For planting false evidence. Oh my God. For your case or somebody else's? For somebody else's, but he'd done it over and over and over again. Oh, he's a bad dude. So he was a crooked, bad cop who decided to arrest me for no reason because, you know, don't forget the colony. People go to the colony now, hotel, to see where I got arrested. Thank you. Thank you for explaining that. So there you go. Yeah, okay. That's the story and most people don't know that story. Thank you. They think that I was like, you know, I ran like a child. I closed the bathroom door.

He touched the police on his forehead. Now battery on a police officer. I mean, everything you can imagine. Can we talk about Connecticut growing up? I'm going to get this bloody answer out of you third time lucky. So my mother, my mother, every Sunday we went to church, right? Yeah. So after church, my mother cooked lunch and it was steak, mashed potatoes, fried onions and green beans. Every Sunday pretty much. Do you like steak still? I do. Yeah. Yeah.

Are these raisins in it? Yeah. So... There's raisins, walnuts and apple in it. It's quite Christmassy. It feels almost like a mince pie. But it's got all spices in. Get it. I know, you probably need a knife. I'm sorry. That's okay. I'm going to try a little bit inside. So...

Every Sunday she would make steak and potatoes. Then they would go in their bedroom and lock the door. To have sex. God, this is your mum and dad. Every Sunday. And so everybody knew. Church. Everybody knew. Meal. So that's why there were seven of you. Exactly. Shit. They had a healthy sex life. Just you need your knife. When did you realise that was what was going on? Well, when I walked in one day and they forgot to lock the door. Oh my God. Right. Right.

Okay. That's true. Now, we ask every guest what their last supper would be. This is before you're going to a desert island, not Palm Beach itself. We're going to a desert island. You're going to have your last supper. It's going to be an appetizer, main, dessert, drink of choice. Can you tell me what that last supper would look like? Oh, well, it's twice baked potato.

With loads of caviar on top. Never heard of that. They have a place in New York next to the Mark Hotel. Do you know the Mark Hotel? I know of it and I've heard about this. Caviar Caspia it's called. What they do is they take out the whole stuffing of the potato. Yeah. And they whip it up into this magical thing. And they literally put this much caviar like this.

Right on top. And it's one of those big, big potatoes. It's the most delicious thing. How delicious? That's what we're starting with. I like this. No, I like this. I like where this is going. So good. Okay, what's your main? I'd probably go for a steak. Yeah? Which cut do you like? In America, it's a bit different to here. Rib eye? Rib eye. You like rib eye. We get that here. Mm-hmm.

Any condiments? Do you like French fries? I do. Yeah. Okay, we'll do French fries. Okay. Maybe truffle fries. Truffle fries. I was taking trouble. Truffle fries. Any salad? And dessert, chocolate mousse. Chocolate mousse. I love a good chocolate. I love chocolate. I nearly made that for you. Never mind. Never mind. It's okay. And what drink would you go for? Red wine. Red, okay. A good Bordeaux. The best. The best.

Do you need a drop now? No, no, no. You're going, okay. And if we were, let's kind of put this into two things. Third ultimate girls trip and who's around the dinner table for your last supper, who would be around that dinner table? In terms of the women? Of the housewives, yes. From any franchise? Yeah, any franchise. Like the ultimate last supper girls trip. Lisa Renner.

Who's she? Lisa Renna's very famous. Who is she? She's fabulous. She's great. Which franchise is that? She's married to Harry. Take your husband's name out of my fucking mouth. Yeah. God, take your husband's name out of your mouth. Tell me. She's fabulous. Lisa Renna's amazing. And which franchise is that? Beverly Hills. Okay. Lisa Renna, I'm going to take Dorinda.

Yes. I love Dorinda. And when she fucking lets rip, it is amazing. It's not pretty. It's not pretty. Right? I'm going to throw Bethany in just so we can go at it. Really? Good for you. Oh, she's going to be at the table.

Maybe we throw Ramon in too. You have to. Oh, we have to. So I think the tables fall. Which of all the housewives' husbands do you fancy? Oh. Well, this leads us on to Mary F. Kill. Mary F. Kill. Which is the name of your new, you know. That's right. She has to hear Mary F. Kill. Yes, you do. It's a song. The verses go like this. There's men that I would marry. They give me such a thrill.

There's men that I would F and men that I would kill. So we're not killing anybody, but you know, get right up. So which was of all of them, which would you F?

I did think of one. Of the housewives. You're going for F first, Mum. Well, no, because she's not going to kill them or marry them. Okay. So which ones do you fancy? Are there any one you... Mario is handsome. Are you any... Is there any one you... Ramona? Ramona's I thought he was handsome. He was. Mauricio? Yeah. A bit obvious. I don't like the teeth. The veneers? The veneers, right? That just blows it from me. Okay. Who else? She likes a man with his own teeth. Okay. Yeah.

So do I at my age. Or at least where you can't tell they're written here, right? Yes. Don't they do ones where they can't really tell? Some have them like bathroom tiles. They're horrendous, aren't they? I know. That's what I'm saying. So there's no one you're really jealous of. I'm thinking about it. I really have to reach. So there's no one you're really jealous of. You mean in general or housewives? Housewives. Not really. One of my famous lines. Not really. Wouldn't you be upset if you find a naked guy in the bedroom next to you?

Not really. Not really. Would you? I don't know. Be cool, mum. I'm going to be cool. Don't be uncool. Don't be like all uncool. Don't be like all uncool. Oh, well, that's a long story too, mum. Yeah, I know. Oh, boy, there's so many stories.

The pirate. The pirate. The pirate was quite hot. The pirate? I showed her the pirate. Oh, you did? He was gorgeous. Oh, yeah. How old was he? Just like Johnny Depp. Yeah, exactly. But better looking. Old enough. 40s. 40s. Just about right for you. Yeah, he lives in Miami now. Oh, really? Have you hung out again? No, but he's texted me. He went on the show and he dug up the pirate. Right.

Of course he did. Of course he bloody did. So you're in the midst of your American tour right now, but you've popped over to London to... To visit you and do some press for my upcoming tour. Which is next year. Which is next year in February. Barry already has tickets for Glasgow. Oh, yes, really. They went on sale today. I know, and guess what? It's like almost sold out already. They just went on sale like an hour. So where is the London show? Where is the London show? At...

The Adelphi. I'm playing the Adelphi. Sure, you're West End, you're West End, baby! I can imagine. We're coming. Yeah, you have to come. Absolutely. By which time I've watched every franchise. Not every franchise, just mine. Just yours. Of course. Not every franchise, just mine. No, I'm just kidding. Yeah. I am...

You're playing festivals. How does it feel to have... I mean, you've probably been asked this a million times, but as somebody, you know, on the same bill as you at Hoopla, Hoopla probably one of the greatest... Daryl, you're at the top of the bill. I'm like somewhere at the bottom. No, but I saw the crowd. I saw the crowd for you, and I saw the screams. Yeah. Say, money don't buy your class. Can't, but yeah. Can't, sorry. But how does it feel to, you know, you...

You've had a relationship with the queer community for a very long time. I mean, they've adored you for a very long time and now you are... Finally here. You're here. It's taken me years to get here. Years. Because, you know, people...

What did my agent always say? They don't know what they don't know, which is you can't tell from the housewives what my cabaret show is, right? So people have always said, well, you know, it took me a while to gain respect in the community of cabaret, right? I'm a housewife, don't forget. So it comes with the housewives tag, right? So it's hard to be taken seriously on other things. So it took me a while to...

For people to see what I do and come to my shows and be like, this is an amazing show. I also have a new director, not so new. He saw my show in the very beginning, Richard J. Alexander. He directs Chris and Chenoweth. He's directed Bette Midler, Barbara Streisand. I don't know. He's like the diva whisperer, they call him. Wow. The diva whisperer. Yes. He's amazing. I need him. Oh, he's amazing. And anyway, so he came to my show and he goes, countess.

I gotta tell you, I came here not expecting you very much and this is what happens, people don't know. And, but you fucking blew my mind. First of all, you can see. Please don't swear at the dinner table, Candice. I'm so sorry. You have to bleep me. You have to bleep me. Please keep it down. Okay, bleep me. So,

I had to do it. Right? I had to. You're amazing. You know, you can sing and you wear a dress like no woman I've ever seen and you're funny. So he said, give me two weeks. I'm going to find you the right agent. You know, and he got me into with Live Nation and touring, but it took me a while to get over here to the UK. And even though I've been touring around America and Canada, finally I'm here and Australia is coming too. They get you.

They get you over here. They do. And I think the show is new to them. So I'm kind of new, like new meat. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So, which I love because they don't, they don't know, you know, they don't, they think they know me from the house, but they really don't. So cabaret is my way of,

Getting to know my fans better and then getting to know me. What I saw seemed fabulous. So many costume changes. It's funny. Like, you're doing basically stand-up with music. And it's like... It's really pop culture meets cabaret meets comedy meets a fashion show. Before we let you go... We have to take a picture. Well, we have to take a picture. But I also would love to get Countess Luanne's nostalgic taste that can transport you back somewhere. Happy or sad. Mm-hmm.

God, I have to go. I mean, it's terrible, but, you know, you know the ice cream truck, the sound it makes? It's like... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Always a happy memory, right? Yeah. Well, it happened to be that the day I called Tom for a divorce, the ice cream truck was passing. So did you go and get an ice cream? No. Oh, you should have. But it won't... It would have changed your life. It will never mean the same thing. Oh, no. Right? So I hear an ice cream truck now, it's like... You cry. It's like a clown face. I don't cry, but it's like...

So I have to change that memory. Why did you divorce Tom? Is it too big a question? Well, because he was stepping out. Okay. Good. Did you get to keep the ring? No, I sold it. What did you buy? I bought myself a Cartier watch. Oh my God, I love that.

Was the ring lovely? Oh, yeah. It was really nice. It was really nice. One of those six karat canary yellow. Yeah, it was good. It was great. It was good. I kept my first wedding ring. First wedding ring from the Count of England.

I kept for my daughter. Tell me, when you get engaged again, what sort of ring are you going to get? And will you be wearing Giovanni down the aisle? Probably. I think I would go more emerald cut. Yeah, I think. Classic. Yeah, classic. I had a pair of

But I lost that in the ocean. Oh, God. At least that's what I told him. I left it on the counter in the spa, but don't tell anybody. Oh, my God. Don't tell anybody. Anyway, I don't care. And then... Were you insured?

Oh, wait. The ring. Please. No. Oh, shit. Yeah, I know. Too cheap to insure it. He was not happy about it. So he goes, his father gave me a diamond and a pendant. Actually, it was like a big diamond necklace. And so when I lost it, he goes, well, can I get another ring? He goes, you know that diamond necklace my father gave you? Take one from that.

But it was like, there was a lot of diamonds, so I took five carats. Love the count. We love the count. Now, we also can't not acknowledge the fact that you did a book all about etiquette. Yes. Class with the count. I love you have it right there. I bought it. I need to sign it. You do need to sign it. Now, what is your worst type of manner that you see in somebody else and you're just like, I can't eat with you? Oh, wow. Hmm.

Because I thought swearing was up there for you. Phones on the table. Phones on the table you don't like. I don't like phones on the table. Probably when this happened to me, I was at a dinner and somebody was talking and they had, I can't break this apart, can I? It's not working. Oh, good. Like this and there's a piece of meat. Yeah, I know what you mean by that. Oh, I hate that. I'm like, just put it in your mouth. Uncut or put it down. Yeah. Put it down. And have your hands on your lap.

Right. Or when people leave their silverware like this, you know, they're like...

Should I pick up the plate? You know, and also when people take away food, like waiters who don't know they have to wait for everyone to finish. Well, this is the thing that drives mum mad. Right? It's in America. It's an American thing. I know. In England, we always wait till everyone's done. Because you're really, you're kind of, you're European, basically. She is European. You know, I spent a long time. A little more European. I do, and I miss it here. So, you know what? Don't be surprised if I move on over here. Really? Yeah. What about the Hampton spot?

The sag. Well, I'm going to keep my Hamptons house. Maybe we'll have to find you a little spot in like... I used to live between Switzerland and the Hamptons, so...

I could do... I'm done with Whitson. I don't think Whitstable's the place for her, darling. Maybe I can get a job in... I think a little flat in Children's Firehouse. Maybe we need to do a Housewives. Let's do a Housewives of London. Housewives of London. Yes! Do you guess who's going to be on it with me? Could you be a house... Would you be a housewife, darling? Would you? I would be terrible. I'd cry a lot, I think. I would... I'd be in your team, though. Yes, team love. I don't know. I would...

Who would we get to be on the Housewives of London, right? They'd all be footballers' wives. That's the problem. I mean, Colleen Rooney could be fabulous. She's going to be in I'm a Celebrity. Fuck! We should have got her for the Housewives. I thought there was no swearing at the table. Sorry! Luanne, thank you for being here. Thank you so much. Good luck with your tour. Such a pleasure to meet you. And thank you for that delicious meal. You're very welcome. Good.

Thank you.

So, first I wanted to kill her, then I wanted to F her, and now I want to marry Countess Luanne. She's very lovely. I wanted to kill her too, but you couldn't help but really like her because she's warm, she's game, quite humble. Oh, I really liked her. Yeah, she's just lovely. She works hard and she really is so proud of her cabaret show. And she's a hustler and she wants to make it work and she's like...

She's excited about life and I think that if please at 60 I'm being able to do shows. Jessie, her legs. Her legs are fantastic. I've never seen legs like that. They were the longest legs I think I've ever seen. She's gorgeous. She's honest. Yeah. Barry loved her and had a big chat about her loom. Cheekbones. Cheekbones.

Cheekbones for days. Yeah. Signed my book, Class with the Countess. Said, Jessie, such a gracious host. Chic, c'est la vie. Merci. Love you and mom. Luanne. Be cool. Be cool. Don't be like uncle. Don't be like uncle. See, mom, baby, you've got it.

Got it. Are you kind of into the housewives now? No. Okay. Well, I think the stock was very nice. I don't know if I... I have to say it was exceptional. Really? I thought the taste was absolutely gorgeous. But I would say that I needed the stock.

Yes. Because I don't think it would have been as flavoursome without the stock. It needed the stock. I would have had it more like a bit of a... I would almost do it like a soup. Yeah, like a pho. We live and we learn with boiled chicken. But you know. But it was delicious. The strudel.

How was it? It was really tasty. It was odd. Barry liked it. It was kind of... It was a strange taste because it didn't taste very appley. It was tasty. I thought it was great, actually. But I didn't think... I thought the puff was fine. I didn't think the filling was tart enough.

And I put lemon in as well. So I would not use Granny Smith's. I would use family. Well, don't worry because Countess Luanne didn't... Didn't push in her gob. No. Thank you to Countess Luanne for coming on the podcast. You can go and see her in the UK next year. Tickets are on sale at countessluanne.com. My children are here now, so I need to go. Hey, guys.

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