Episode 14 - 5 New Thoughts That Helped Me In My Marriage
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In this podcast I share with you 5 new thoughts that I’ve personally been working on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really helped me in my marriage.  I think they could help you to, or at least get your wheels turning about what new thoughts would help you!

  Show Summary  

So today I wanted to talk to you about 5 new thoughts that helped me in my marriage.

I’ve mentioned this before on this podcast, but my husband Kevin and I have been married for just over 6 years.  This is a second marriage for both of us. And while marriage is never EASY, some marriages are definitely easier than others, and that is how I feel about my marriage to Kevin.  We of course have our struggles, but I absolutely adore him.  I am so in love with that man.

But even with how absolutely amazing he is and how I feel about him, sometimes I struggle with my own thoughts about myself and our marriage.  So when I began getting coached by my own Life Coach, Jody Moore, that is one of the first things I wanted to work on.  I wanted to show up as my best self in my marriage because I love him and I want this marriage not just be a good marriage, but to be exceptional.

So I wanted to share with you today 5 new thoughts that I’ve worked on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really changed me and helped me be even happier in my marriage.

• He can be grumpy and I don’t have to be

Now this one may sound funny, but its something I’ve really struggled with     .  We all have days when we are grumpy, irritated, stressed or don’t feel well.  But when Kevin would have those days, instead of me continuing to have a good day I would mirror his emotions and become grumpy too.  I don’t like being grumpy.  I have enough grumpy days on my own, I didn’t like that when he was grumpy it was making me grumpy.  And then when we were both grumpy, it would kind of spiral.  So this is one of the first things I wanted to work on.  So I decided that if he was grumpy, I didn’t need to be.  And I often have to repeat that thought in my head…a lot.

So here is an example…. On my birthday a few months ago Kevin came home from work really not feeling well, which made him pretty grumpy.  But it was my birthday and so I did NOT want to be grumpy too.  So i just decided that I wasn’t going to be.  We took all the kids out to dinner and Kevin continued not feeling well and being kind of grumpy but I was totally happy and fine and had a great night out with the kids.  In the past, I probably would have gotten upset that he was grumpy on my birthday and then I would have gotten grumpy and dinner with the kids would NOT have gone well, but I just decided I wasn’t going to be and I was going to be happy because it was my birthday and I totally was and it was great.

• My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love

I know..I know… whenever I talk to my clients or other people about this, they are like….yeah right!  You don’t have any other expectations of him?  You don’t expect him to go to work or take out the trash or help out around the kids or anything?  And I’m like “NOPE”  My ONLY expectation of him is that he is there for me to love.  That’s it.  And the reason I decided to think that is because in the past I did have expectations of him.  I did expect him to do certain things for me, for the kids, around the house, etc.  But if he didn’t meet those expectations, I was MISERABLE.  I tied my feelings to HIM meeting my expectations.  And when he didn’t, I made it mean all sorts of crazy things about ME!  But I decided to take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings and the only thing I wanted to feel for him was LOVE.  

Now…that’ doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes make requests of him.  I totally do.  But if he doesn’t do them, I don’t make it mean anything about me.  I also think as equal partners in marriage we can sit down and talk about what we want for our life together and for our family and kind of divide up responsibilities.  But even then, if he doesn’t do it, its not about ME!  It’s really about him.  So I just love him.  I love him with no expectations except that he will be there.  That’s it!  

Now the next one kind of ties in to that

• It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that’s my job

Now we’ve talked a little bit in previous podcasts about how our feelings come from our thoughts.  So if I want to feel validated, worthy, or loved, that comes from my OWN thoughts about myself.  He can’t MAKE me feel loved… that can only come from me.

For example… Say your husband brings you home a bouquet of flowers.  Your THOUGHT could be “wow… he is so sweet, I love that he is trying to show me he cares” and if you think that thought then you feel love.  But your husband could also bring home that same bouquet of flowers and your THOUGHT could be “why would he waste his money on stupid flowers.  I wonder what he did wrong….” and that thought wouldn’t produce feelings of love.  It would produce feels of confusion, irritation, and suspicion.  Do you see what I’m saying.  How you feel is totally up to you… Now sometimes our spouses make it EASIER for us to think good thoughts about feeling loved, or validated, or worthy by their actions, but whether we do or not is completely up to us and our thoughts around it.

Kevin usually doesn’t a pretty good job of helping make those thoughts easy for me.  But I still have times when I struggle, but realizing those thoughts are my own and not from him is really empowering.

• He is doing the best he can, even if that isn’t very good sometimes

Listen, we are all human.  Sometimes I don’t show up as my best self.  I really am doing the best I can in that moment, but sometimes my best isn’t great.  And its the same with Kevin.  Sometimes his best isn’t great.  But choosing to think the thought that he is doing the best he can in that moment, really helps me feel better about things sometimes.

I hear so many times from my clients and friends things like “My husband comes home late from work and then he just sits and plays video games and does nothing to help me.  If he LOVED me, he would come home on time and help me with the kids.  I’m tired too!”  Now do you realistically think that their husband said to himself “I’m going to come home late from work and I’m not going to help her and I’m just going to play video games because I don’t love her.”  Absolutely NOT!  But he’s human and sometimes he needs some downtime too.  So just realizing that he is doing his best, even if that isn’t what you want or its not very good makes a big difference.  I know it has with me.

• He is exactly who he is supposed to be

This thought has really helped me because sometimes I wish Kevin was a little bit different with some things.  Not much, he’s pretty darn great, but there are a few things I wish he were better at.  But then I remind myself that he is exactly who he is supposed to be.  And that is pretty darn great.  I’m sure there are things about me he wishes were a little bit different too.  But that’s ok too.  

Ok, so lets go over those 5 thoughts again.

• He can be grumpy and I don’t have to be
• My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love
• It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that’s my job
• He is doing the best he can, even if that isn’t very good sometimes
• He is exactly who he is supposed to be

I hope you find those thoughts helpful in your marriage too.  But if you want some help applying these to your marriage or finding other thoughts that would be helpful, make sure you go to my website amandalouder.com) and sign up for a free mini-session and I’d love to help you.

See ya next time!