Queen Elizabeth I and Her V Card
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Welcome back to Write Answers Mostly, a podcast on what you didn't learn in history class, but you really wanted to. My name is Claire Donald. My name is Tess Palomo. I just like gave you absolutely nonstop eye contact. That's intimacy. That is acting class. No, this is acting class. I mean, there was nothing scarier to me than...

Then when your teacher was like, all right, so today we're going to be doing eye contact exercises and everyone would just be like silent. And then he would like pair you with people that he knew that you would have like a complicated relationship with. And they're like, okay, now picture, like on Vanderpump Rules when they're like, now picture if this person died. You're just like, okay. Where do we go from here?

You're like in middle school. Yeah. Like, I'm doing the work. I am doing the work. You got to start early, kids. That's right. That's right. But hey, we are back with another week. I think that you guys really were into our Conspiracy Theories episode. More will be revealed. More has been revealed. Yes. We can keep doing more of those episodes, too. Like, you know, those are fun. We kind of just pick and, you know...

pick and choose along the way. Exactly. And it's definitely coming up on Patreon this week when we're talking celebrity gossip. So if you want more from us for $7.99, you can join our Patreon. And where to do that is in our show notes. It's our premium subscription. We'll start saying that. That's gorgeous, Claire. Our premium subscription. Yes. Which will soon be a different platform. A different platform. But please give us that.

Give us that $7.99 while you can. That's right, because we'll give you two bonus episodes a month. Close friends on Instagram, which that's where shit happens. That is where shit happens. How the hell are you, Claire? Oh, good. You know, I've just been playing that KC album on repeat. It's now you're feeling it in a different way. Now I am wired in. And then I texted you and Alice last night, and I was like, pop an edible, listen to this album, and just get lost. I think I need to be high alone listening to it. I really like it. I just haven't had...

the experience that you were having but I want that. No, it will rock you. Have you bought tickets yet to the show? No, but we have, I mean I have to and then Father John Misty is opening for her. Like did we not say our solo artist? I can't even think about it. It's going to be a crazy experience. It's going to be intense. No, we need to go in October or I'll figure that out. And we will. And we will. And we will. How are you?

I'm good. I had a fun weekend in San Francisco. Always good to go home. A little Bay Area weekend is just like good for the goddamn soul. And a sunny one too, which you've been like lacking that from San Francisco. Yes. It was sunny. I got to see all of my high school, college best friends. My friend who's having a baby went to her baby shower, which was just like...

crazy, you know? Like, you're just kind of like, wow. It sure is, Tess. It is a wild experience. People are popping out. Babies left and right these days, I'll tell you. I know. We've talked about this before. It's like being in LA. It's just kind of like people are late bloomers to everything. And so like when I go home, I'm like, oh yeah, like I'm the only one that's

Not married. I know. Just like give direct eye contact to the camera for my boyfriend's watching. Her Bitcoin. Oh my God. I can never say it. God damn it. My Bitcoin boo. Bitcoin boo. He's listening. He knows. He always is. He's always listening.

But yeah, I'm good. I'm excited to like, you know, just get back into after a re-release. I'm always excited. Me too. Always excited when I'm not hosting. I know. We were just talking about that. Also, a little insider thing to see how the sauce is made. The person who's hosting is usually the one who drives as well. We're always doing carpool because we really care about the environment, you know? Exactly. We also don't want to spend that Spotify parking money. Yeah.

That too. We can't afford it. We can't afford it. I feel the responsibility this week on my shoulders greatly. But I am excited for this week. Well, this is like... The girlies have been asking to go more historical. Yes, and we've heard your cries. And I totally understand. In the beginning, we were doing more actual... I mean, listen, everything is history if it's in the past. Am I right? But do you guys want more like...

The Six Wives of King Henry VIII, I think. And Marie and Twanette. Check out those episodes, by the way. Yes. We have all those things for you guys. And there will be more. Yeah. And they are so fun, which is why I was excited to dig back into this today. Today, we are doing Queen Elizabeth I. Wow. Tess, first thoughts. What do you know? What do you not know? Ginger. Ginger. Very.

Very good. Pale. Pale as hell. Like, no one's ever been more pale. No one has ever been more pale. Margot Robbie played her. She did. And Cate Blanchett played her. Cate Blanchett played her twice. Isn't that crazy? In like a sequel? They did Elizabeth, and then they did Elizabeth, like, The Golden Age or something. So I guess technically a sequel. That's right. It was like 10 years apart. I tried watching the other day.

And then I fell asleep. And every time I kept waking up, it was like a more disturbing scene. It's just like this time period is so nasty. Yeah. It's like what we talked about. You can smell the smells. You can fear death. Yes. At any moment. At any moment. And that's really – I don't know much about her. What's her relation to like the queen that just died?

I actually, that's a great question. So Queen Elizabeth is the last of the Tudors. And then what's William's last name? It's not Windsor, is it? What is it? It's, God, we know it. What is it? It's William. Oh my God, I've never even thought about what their last names are. What is it? I'm going to Google it. It's Mountbatten-Windsor. Wait.

Mountbatten-Windsor. That's like Harry and... That's their last name, I think. The true... Okay, this is especially true of the royal surname, Mountbatten-Windsor. Oh, it's a hyphenated. How modern. Really? Yes. I never even thought about this

about this before. Oh, that's crazy. So the relation is, I have no idea. They're probably all cousins because they were all cousins anyways, like hooking up. Right. So kissing cousins. Kissing cousins. Gotta keep that bloodline noble, I guess, is what they would say. I don't know. But somehow they were related. Okay. Okay. For some reason, I was like, is that her great-great-grandmother or something? Somewhere down the line, probably. But then they also transferred over to, I don't know. I don't know. All right. Well, yeah, I mean, then that's really all

All I know. Can't give you much else about her. Well, I'm excited to dive in. Which are the best episodes? I actually think you know a little bit more about her than you think, and we'll get into it. Oh, okay. So shall we? Yeah, let's do it. Okay. Well, first, obviously, my sources. So Elizabeth, I watched a documentary, Elizabeth First, The Tudor Queen, which is a documentary by Royalty TV, and it was on YouTube. YouTube. YouTube. YouTube.

I have my idea. Okay, say it. I think it's either your little brother, little sister, or little cousin. Like, it has to be younger, in my opinion. Yes. A hundred percent. Who's the little... You know, I'm picturing, like, the little sibling, or the younger brother in Lizzie McGuire. A hundred percent. That is YouTube. That is... He's our, like, annoying little brother. Yes, or the little brother in Freaky Friday that you're just like, get out of my room! Yeah.

But they have so much information. They're always on the computer. They know everything. And if you needed to go in a pinch to have them hack something, they could. It's perfect. It's perfect. That's one of them. The podcast History Chicks and our stepfather Wikipedia. Perfect. Keep it clean. We love when we keep it simple. That's right. So Queen Elizabeth I was the last monarch of the Tudor dynasty, the daughter of King Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. Duh!

So I was like, I know that you know. Duh. Elizabeth was known as the Virgin Queen. She never married, but instead pledged her body to England itself. Pledged her body? What's that mean? Oh, she slept around a little bit? No, she didn't at all. I mean, they called her the Virgin Queen. Like she was like, I'm having sex with this country. So I see how you could interpret it as being a little slutty. Like slutty for her homeland. Slutty for England, of course. Right. So...

Because she's the daughter of Anne Boleyn. I want to take this time. I've written an apology letter to Anne Boleyn. Oh, my God. Because we have a two-part episode on The Six Wives of King Henry VIII. And I just misunderstood Anne Boleyn. And I did not speak very kindly of her. And I have regretted it every single day since. Well, I think I'm glad that you're like...

Doing a formal apology because I really you've had a lot I don't want you to take this on anymore because I think it's been like staying with you It is literally stayed with me for two years. It is like consumed me. I want you to like what's it called release? Yeah, like release. So this is my release if I may just take a few moments to I wrote this morning. I won't say I won't interrupt you. Okay, great. Here we go. Hmm

Dear Anne, I didn't know where to start, so I googled famous apologies. I came across Reese Witherspoon's apology that she gave after getting arrested for disorder conduct in May 2013. Quote, I could have said it better myself, Reese. Bad judgment.

I don't mean to say we in my apology, as it was I leading the episode. However, I am codependent on Tess and will drag her into any event in my life. Anne, I said you weren't a girl's girl. And in that moment, I was not a girl's girl. You were just trying to survive in a world ruled by a slutty man with a short temper. You didn't get to choose love. Your dad chose for you. And that had to be awkward. You didn't choose to change the course of history by holding out for a ring. Kudos to you, by the way, because that was the ultimate game of cat and mouse.

And you didn't know that you couldn't, in fact, choose the sex of your baby. All you were trying to do was rise through the ranks as a woman in a man's world. And for that, we will always honor you. I hope you know that now you are a favorite out of Henry Sixwise. That's right. Unfortunately, he went on to marry four other women after you. We have this podcast, Right Answers, mostly to reevaluate history. And sometimes we get it wrong ourselves. But, Anne, this one's for you, girl. That was...

Literally gorgeous, Claire. Best, Claire. Wow. When did you write that? This morning. Wow. That was so beautifully written. Oh, thank you so much. It really was. I had to do it. Now I can forever move on until someone comes after me when they listen to that episode before listening to this. I think you just put it best. Guys, we're trying to do our damn best. And sometimes a little bit of internalized misogyny comes up. Sometimes a little bit of stereotypes. And we always appreciate the feedback. Yes. And it's always us, Claire. It's never just one of us. Because what you say, I agree.

I say what I say, you say. It was us. It was us. Well, also, you guys, if you don't know that, Tess and I are saying that from the notebook when she gets her memory back.

And she goes, it was us. It's us, and I always say that. We said this in the car an hour ago. We did. We always do. And I love the Reese Witherspoon. Did I tell you I just watched that apology two weeks ago? Did she publicly make that apology? Oh, it's on a- On video? It's on Good Morning America, and she's brunette, and she's wearing a very presidential purple dress. Of course she is. And she's sitting up straight, and she's like, it was unacceptable. It was unacceptable. Oh, but that was gorgeous, Claire. You're welcome. Okay. I don't know why I said you're welcome, but-

Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. And with that, we can move on to Elizabeth. Here we go. So Elizabeth was born on September 7th, 1533. September is... Early September. Early September. Leo. Virgo. Wait, fuck. Oh yeah, Virgo, duh. She's an earth queen. Oh my God. It's okay. It's all right, Tess. We're back. We're back. Okay, we're back. We're back. So she's a Virgo, and she's the only surviving child of King Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. So Elizabeth was Henry's second child. His first...

first child was Mary from his marriage to Catherine of Aragon, Mary I. Mary Queen of Scots? No, but we will get to her later. There's like three names, like Elizabeth, Mary, and Anne. I know, I'm like, let's get some variety people. No kidding. So Henry was married to Catherine of Aragon. And again, go back and listen to her six wives of King Henry VIII. But like a summary, Henry was married to Catherine of Aragon for 24 years. And Catherine had one daughter, Mary, but no sons. And Henry was obsessed

obsessed with having sons. Okay. He wanted that heir and he blamed Catherine for not making that happen. Of course. So then he meets Anne Boleyn and he's like, you're hot. Let's hook up. She was hot. She was. And then Anne Boleyn is like, okay, you have to put a ring on it and lock it down if I'm going to be your queen or if I'm going to hook up with you rather. Oh, nice. Yeah.

How nice. Because she wants to be queen. And the only way that that can happen is, again, if you remember, if he separates England from the Catholic Church, which is a big deal back then. It's all coming back to you a little bit now. Oh, yeah, yeah. So Henry's married to Catherine. He wants to hook up with Anne Boleyn. He can only do that if he separates England from the Catholic Church.

He makes himself the head of the Church of England and is like, okay, now I can divorce Catherine and marry Anne Boleyn. So, marry their daughter...

loses her position as a legitimate heir when Henry annulled his marriage to Catherine of Aragon. Sucks. Sucks. He also then separated Mary and Catherine, her mom, just because he was like such a dick. It's like that power thing where it's like, then you guys can't even have each other if I can't have you. Literally. And it's like, you didn't even want her. It's so fucked up. Very controlling. So Anne Boleyn gets pregnant and Henry is like, fingers crossed, it's a boy. But Anne Boleyn has a girl.

And it's Elizabeth. So Henry's like not stoked about it, but obviously, but he's like, listen, this was the first rounds. Like if she can have a baby, she can have a boy. And like she told me she was going to give me a boy. So of course, because we can just decide this thing. Yeah, exactly. And then Henry's enemies believes that the birth of a daughter was divine punishment for the king's decision to divorce his first wife.

Isn't that crazy that you just hear that and you're like, oh yeah, of course. And it's like, that's how much people hate women. Literally. Like from the dawn of time. Being like, it's divine intervention. It's punishment. Yes. Have a baby. If you are a girl. Yeah, exactly. Baby Elizabeth, when she was born, had over a hundred servants. Yeah. And then her older sister, Mary, was stripped from her title and

And at 17 years old, she was sent to be a lady-in-waiting for her baby sister Elizabeth, which, by the way, is from the woman that your dad left your mom for. So now she has to take care of, like, her sister? She just has to, like, yeah, like, serve her baby sister at 17 years old. And, like, Mary was like, I was supposed to be fucking queen, and now this baby is going to be queen.

queen. There's a movie about this, right? There's lots of movies about this, I think. Okay, because there's tension. Oh, there's tension. Oh, okay. Oh, there's definitely tension. It's not a good start to the relationship. No, definitely not. So Henry is like, okay, Anne, you need to give me a son now. Okay, that was cute. Yeah, he's like, chip chop. Chip chop. She tries. She miscarries twice. And then the third time was a boy, but it was a stillborn.

Yeah. Oh, my God. So, again, we go into, like, so many details on our two-part episode on this, on the whole storyline. Henry's pissed, so pissed that he charges Anne Boleyn with adultery, incest, and treason. He was like, she's sleeping with her brother. He, like, completely made it up. And he's like, because she's sleeping with her brother, she's betraying the king, which is treason.

And so when Elizabeth was two years old and eight months, not even three, her mother Anne Boleyn was beheaded on May 19th, 1536. And then Elizabeth is stripped from her title of princess. Like what happened to Mary just happened to Elizabeth as well and declared a bastard.

Jesus. So 11 days after Anne Boleyn's execution, Henry married Jane Seymour. So 11 days after he executed his wife, he marries another woman. Good. Yeah. She has a boy, but then she dies. But Henry finally has his heir with his son.

So because Elizabeth is declared a bastard and stripped of her title, she only has a few servants now instead of 100. Where does she go? Can she still stay in the same light? So when she was a baby, she was like – her mom breastfed her for like three months, which is actually I think kind of shocking because I think that like – Wouldn't they not really breastfeed back then? Yeah, exactly. A lot of people like didn't. They just had like wet nurses and like the noble woman wouldn't do it. Oh, right.

Oh, right. So she was breastfed for three months and then sent to like her own castle. And then she just had a hundred servants like taking care of her. Oh, and she was like all alone kind of in a way. Yeah. That's like how they all did it. It's so crazy. So her governess, which is like her main babysitter basically, is moved to her little brother because he's the heir now. So he gets the best governess. Got it. But a woman named Cat Ashley was appointed to be Elizabeth's governess and

in 1537 at the age of four. A cat is like a sexy name. I know. Cat Ashley. Yeah, sounds like... She would be a good time. Yeah. She would definitely be a good time. So she acts as like a mother figure for Elizabeth.

And Kat taught Elizabeth four languages. Oh, my God. French, Dutch, Italian, and Spanish. Chic. So chic. Elizabeth could write in English, Latin, and Italian, and eventually she learns Greek. She studied theology and history. Oh. She'd be a ramey. She's a ramey. She was lucky enough to be in this brief period in England where the noblemen educated their daughters the same amount as their sons. And it was like...

Just a blip in time. And then they're like, yeah, we shouldn't give that to them. It's unnecessary. For what? Yeah, yeah. But so she was lucky enough to be in that time.

By the time her formal education ended in 1550, Elizabeth was one of the most educated women in her generation. Damn. One of her teachers wrote, quote, her mind has no womanly weakness. Her perseverance is equal to that of a man, and her memory long keeps what it quickly picks up. Oh, just when I thought it was going to be like some really nice, like. It's not. No, it never is. No, it's actually a double or backhanded compliment, isn't it? It really is.

She has no womanly weakness. Yeah, just like, got it. Got it. So she was like kind of able to join court, which I still don't really understand what court is. Court is like, you just like sit like around with the popular kids, right? I literally think it's just the cafeteria and it's like where the rich people like just go hang out. Sit and eat and drink. Yeah, because they're like, I didn't see you at court today. Yeah, because like what else was there to do?

Nothing. Literally nothing. It's awful to think about. So she joins court here and there. She starts hanging out with her new stepmom, who is Catherine Howard. And Elizabeth is eight at this time. And Catherine is probably about maybe 10 years older than her. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were going to say 10. No, but I mean, she's like 18. And Henry is like pretty old at this point. And she's the young one. And so Catherine Howard, like...

pays a lot of attention to her. She dresses up with her and would bring her to court. She was like her chic older sister. That's sweet that she took interest in Elizabeth. I mean, they were closer in age than her dad or than her husband. It's a tough look. So they were kind of creating this bond. But unfortunately for Elizabeth, Catherine Howard was also beheaded by Henry Shaw. She was the one that was like, I'm going out tonight, honey. I'm going out tonight. And by the way...

I'm going out tonight. And she got beheaded for it, which is tough. But so it's like kind of traumatic for Elizabeth that she's lost like two, well, one of her mothers and then another mother figure by her dad beheading them. Yeah. It's tough. I wonder how her relationship was with men. Yeah. And men in general, you could say. Her relationship to marriage. Like, no wonder she's the virgin queen. Yeah.

Yeah, she's like, I'm fine taking that title. She's like, actually keep me away from them. So did she not talk to Henry at all? He didn't show much interest in his other kids. Yeah. Except his heir, his boy, until he marries...

his final wife, Catherine Parr. Catherine Parr encourages him to seek a relationship with both of his daughters again. And she actually convinces him to put them back in the line of succession. So she's like, because right now he's like, you're a bastard. You're a bastard. You're a bastard. You're a bastard. You're a bastard.

And she's like, talk to your daughters again and also put them back. So that means, like, if anything happens to your son, that they can be queens and rule. Right. And he's like, I guess if it's, like, about that, then I want protection for, like, the line. Well, whatever works. I mean, who knows? But it works. So thank you, Catherine. And so he does do that. And so then Elizabeth is able to hang out with her dad more. She's actually in court more. It says, quote, the young woman with her father's red hair. So I guess...

I guess Henry was also in ginger. Father's red hair. And for those who dare to remember, her mother's dark eyes was a remarkable presence at court. Wow. God, I just have so much resentment for him. Like, how can she even hang out with him? She actually, like, later in life was like, I am King Henry VIII's daughter. And, like, really looked at him and, like,

I mean, there's probably a lot to unpack there. That's true. But maybe beheading was so normal that it was almost like that's just like what you do when you like divorce someone. That's like how we think of it. It's just like, well, she had to. It had to be. It's just so crazy. Yeah, it's dark. I mean, it must have been because out of six wives, he did it to two. So crazy. Crazy. But then finally, Henry dies.

Bye, bitch. See you later. Yeah. We're not sad about it at all. So then Elizabeth's little brother, Edward VI, I want to say, Roman numeral VI. VI VI. Yeah, yeah. Look at her. He becomes king at the age of nine. Can you imagine? So

So let's talk about Elizabeth's relationship with her siblings. So she was much closer to Edward, her younger brother. He was four years younger than her. He was also raised Protestant and she was also raised Protestant. So they got their education together. They're pretty tight. Mary, on the other hand, her older sister, she's 17 years older than Elizabeth. Hard to bond. Hard to bond.

Mary is also super Catholic. Like Catherine of Aragon was the Catholic queen. And so Mary's super Catholic. Elizabeth's Protestant. She doesn't, Mary doesn't really love Elizabeth because I mean, their dad created a whole different religion to marry her mom, you know? And then Henry also, you know, separated Mary and her mom, Catherine. So she like resents Elizabeth a lot. Yeah. I mean, I would too. I 100% wouldn't. Don't blame her for that. Yeah. And then she again got stripped from her title and,

title on how to be her servant. Like that's tough. Who is this little bitch? Literally. So after Henry's death in 1547, Catherine Parr, his last wife was like, why don't you just come live with us, Elizabeth? Like I'll still take you in. That's nice. Yep. Live with us, live with me and my new husband, Thomas Seymour, who was Jane Seymour's brother. So we need a whole chart, but this means that King Henry's wife goes on to marry his ex-wife's brother.

Thomas Seymour was Jane Seymour's brother. Right. So...

I mean, what a family reunion. Truly, though. It's so crazy. They just keep it in the family. In more ways than one. No kidding. So Catherine was also a great influence on Elizabeth. She played a motherly role to her. She encouraged Elizabeth to learn about the Protestant reform and really push Protestant faith on her. Catherine was great for Elizabeth. Thomas was a creep. Elizabeth's 14. Oh, no. Thomas is 38, and he would just constantly harass her. Tess...

He would sneak into her room and tickle her. He would chase her around the room. He slapped her butt. He would try to like burst into the room when she was dressing. Elizabeth would wake up early and surround herself with her maids to avoid him like just bursting to the room. Oh my God. We need to stop tickling, I think. Tickling is a gateway to sexual harassment. I also do not enjoy a tickle. It actually is like...

Tickling makes me mad. Do you remember when someone would just tickle you in elementary school and you just felt so like, that's like invasion of privacy. No more tickling. Nope. We set it here. We're not going to talk about it again? Taylor Armstrong, enough. Okay. I'm glad we could clear that up. Thank you. So he, Kat Ashley was like, okay, he needs to cut this shit out. So I'm glad that she had someone looking out for her because Catherine Parr, rather than confront her husband over his inappropriate behaviors, would like

Join in. Like twice she accompanied him in tickling Elizabeth. And once she held her down while he cut her black gown into a thousand pieces. I don't know what that means. Why? I literally don't know. Cut it. But I would be so traumatized. Same. So the thing that made Catherine be like, wait a second. Yeah, yeah. Something's not right here. Is that one time she discovered the pair in an embrace. Yes.

And then she was like. She's like, now I'm jealous. Literally. And she's like, you can go into her room at night. You can tickle her and jump on top of her. But now, no embracing. No embracing. She sends Elizabeth away, which really sucks because Elizabeth has. Send your husband away. Thank you. Let's talk about the husband. What's.

Oh, you don't want to talk about the husband. And it's just like, well, honestly, if I were Elizabeth, I would probably be like relieved. Like, thank God. I mean, like a safe place now. But sad for Elizabeth that she's lost like every single mother figure in her life pretty much. Yeah. And that like she's done nothing wrong. And they kind of like they choose these men. Yeah. They choose them. They choose them.

But later that year, Catherine died in childbirth. And then Thomas was like, oh, nothing holding me back from Elizabeth. So fucked up. I know.

She's like, anyway. Now that she's gone, this whole story is so fucked. She's like, men behaving badly. I mean, guys. This is a history podcast. Exactly. Whoever says that we're talking shit about men, listen to this episode. Listen to the story. This is where it stems from. So he saw Elizabeth as a means to acquiring power. He's like, she is in the line of succession. But in January 1549, he was arrested for conspiring to kidnap the king. Because the king is like- The nine-year-old? Yeah.

He's just like playing like video games. He's like, what? Like trying to run the country. We can kidnap him. So he was Thomas Seymour was beheaded for treason two months after his arrest. That's karma, babe. Whatever. Whatever. Literally. Doesn't matter to us. So then Edward, though, Edward died on July 6th, 1553 at the age of 15.

Because, you know. Oh, probably from like some scary, dirty disease. Just like, who knows? Take your pick. Yeah. So it's his older sister's Mary's turn to be queen.

She's been waiting for this. Yeah. So Mary rode triumphantly into London wearing gold, and Elizabeth was actually at her side wearing silver. And it was like a solidarity moment. It's like the sisters are back. Oh, so they planned out their outfits. You know? That's fun. They coordinated. Wow. For sure. This was the last show of solidarity, though, between the sisters. Mm-hmm.

So again, Mary was a devout Catholic and she was determined to like crush the Protestant faith in which Elizabeth had been practicing. Also, Mary just like starts to be like, I don't know if I really trust Elizabeth because she's next in line after me.

Right. Like she could try to kill me. She's going to be coming for my spot. Yeah. And I didn't ever really like her anyways. This is like a dumb question. What's like the main difference between like Protestant practices and Catholicism? Tess, it's not a dumb question because I'm pretty sure they're both Christian faith. I'm pretty sure they both believe. I think that people just want a reason to be mad. Yeah. And a reason just like stick in their lane and like hate, hate other people. No, like this whole episode is...

is a fight and that's kind of like what King Henry VIII was too. It's a fight about religion where it's like, guys, get over it. For what? I mean, you're talking to the wrong people. Yeah. But it's really like all this for that? You're all on the same side. It's okay. I know. It's actually crazy. Mary ordered that everyone attend Catholic Mass. So they were a Protestant country and then she's like, now everyone's going to go to Catholic Mass. And

And Elizabeth had to like kind of hide her Protestant-ness. So Mary lost a ton of popularity because she also announced she was going to marry Philip of Spain, who was also super Catholic. And then England was like, we're just like not into Catholicism and you keep trying to make Catholicism happen. Stop trying to make it happen. Exactly. And then some people were like, Elizabeth, you should go against Mary's religious policies because you're not really Catholic. Like we know you're Protestant. Yeah.

And in 1554, there was this thing called Wyatt's Rebellion, which was basically a rebellion because people were just so pissed that she was making everything so Catholic. So they tried to like rise against it.

And Mary was like, I bet my fucking sister did it. I bet she's the one that came up with that rebellion. Wow. So she brings Elizabeth to court and interrogates her. And Elizabeth's like, I literally have nothing to do with any of this. But on March 18th, she was imprisoned to the Tower of London.

Damn. That's an intense tower. That's where Anne Boleyn went to get beheaded. So she was like, I'm going to die. Yeah. She was like, I know what happened. I mean, that would be so traumatic to know that where your mom got beheaded and that's where you were sent. Oh my God. How old is she at this point? She's got to be late teens. Yeah. She's got to be probably early 20s, late teens at this point. She's like, what a life I've lived so far. No kidding. So.

So, Elizabeth's imprisonment at the Tower of London was actually comfortable enough. She was allowed in the gardens. She had four rooms and ten servants. Oh. Yeah. Okay, this is fine. She's good living. I would like to go there.

But she is fearing every day that they're going to come for her. That's true. Can't fully relax. Exactly. And then Mary's closest confidants were like, you need to just kill her because, again, she's going to come for you on the throne. But Elizabeth's supporters in the government convinced Mary to spare her sister because there was no evidence that Elizabeth had anything to do with that riot. So instead, Elizabeth was moved from the Tower of England to Woodstock.

Woodstock. All goes back to Ram. Other previous Ram episodes. She's like, party on. Yeah, truly. She's like smoking a joint. Yeah, of course. It sounds lovely. So Mary doesn't have a baby and she needs one. She's going to have an heir. So she had several phantom pregnancies where like for months they would think that she was pregnant. And I don't know. I don't know enough about this, but she wasn't like she'd like stop getting her period and like feel like I think I think boobs with like

What? Maybe I made that up. But she would stop getting her period. And her stomach would, like, swell.

Which is also so crazy that there wasn't pregnancy tests at this time. I know, like, how did you really know? I mean, I guess just your period. You would stop getting your period, I guess. What if your period's irregular? No kidding. God. We all know that life. We sure do. And that's always a little scary, too. Truly. Just like, if I could just stay on track. That would be great. Seriously. Wow. So she never has any children. And then Mary starts getting really sick.

And then in 1558, five years after getting the throne, she kicks the bucket. She gone. Just from like health stuff? Yeah. She died. Okay. So she never had a kid. She never had a kid. So who's the new ruler? Elizabeth. Elizabeth. Just like we had always planned. That's right. Do you think she was excited about it? What if I told you I was a mastermind? It all goes back to Taylor.

I can't help myself with every episode. I know. I mean, the kids like it. That's right. Do you think she was like, finally? Or do you think she's like, goddamn, I have so much pressure now? I think she was like, let's go, kid. Okay. So she had it in her. Yeah. Oh, I think she, again, was like, I'm Anne Boleyn's daughter. I'm King Henry VIII's daughter. Let's fucking go. The eye and the prize. Also, she's not having sex. So I feel like she's like, business. Yeah.

She's a Virgo. She's like ready to go. She's not interested in boys. No. Or girls. Crazy when you watch these movies that they like pass each other in the hallway and then like throw each other up against the wall. There was no like repercussions for anything. Like people were sleeping with people without protection. No. Medieval times, everyone's just like so horny. So horny. At least according to the movies. It's like, my God, guys. So at 25 years old, she's young.

Queen Elizabeth, or Elizabeth, becomes the Queen of England. In her 25 years, her father had beheaded her mother. She had gone from a princess to a bastard, and now she is a queen.

Damn. What a life. What a life. So actually, most people were like really stoked for her to be taking over. They did not like Mary. Yeah. And also she was like a wet blanket. She was such a wet blanket. It's like enough. Give it a rest. But Elizabeth was young, alert, at ease. She seemed to really love the people. She was extroverted. At the procession that took place prior to her coronation, when she took time to engage the peasants, she would like stop and talk to them. She's like, oh, you're rather pretty. Yeah.

The love actually is so good. And people were like shook by it. They're like, holy shit, I can't believe she's like acknowledging the peasants. Well, I mean, it's like the first of its kind. The people's princess. I'm so sorry to even take it there. No, it's okay. It had to be brought up. There's so much.

There's some parallels. Yeah. Just in that. Just in that. Yeah, yeah. She was also an astrology girly because she had her astrologer look at her birth chart and choose the best day for her to be crowned. Really? Which I love that. Oh, my God. She's such a Virgo. She's such a Virgo. That's so cute. Wow, that's really sweet. My girl. So she reminded people a lot of her dad or she reminded a lot of people of her dad in a good way. And she would identify herself with him.

But there was a lot of her mom in Berlin because she was strategic, clever, determined, and she made it clear from the start that she was in charge. Good. She would take advice from her counsel, but she was like, I'm the queen here. Oh, amazing. Yeah. We love a confident girlie. Yep. However, some people and countries didn't think she should be in line to be thrown and be queen because Anne Boleyn was most likely pregnant with Elizabeth before they officially got married. So,

So they were like, she is a bastard. Oh. I'm calling it out so much because I'm also a bastard. Bastard is such an intense word, isn't it? It's such an intense word. Like, I just remember middle school, like, hearing it in a movie. I think it was in When a Date with Chad Hamilton. They say, bastard. I was like, it sounded like fuck to me. No, it is. It's such a harsh word. And it's just like Jesus. And they mean it. They do mean it when they say it. I know. It's just like, calm down. It's like, guys. Everyone has different feelings.

We're in a different family. Yeah. Okay. Exactly. Please. So, I mean, he was married six times. What do you expect? Exactly. But the country was kind of a mess when she stepped in. There was a war in France. Mary had people on edge from being so hardcore Catholic and the country was in a lot of debt.

So the question on everyone's mind, though, was what is she going to make the religion of this country? Everyone's so obsessed. Like, get a hobby. But I mean, think about it. But I guess there's no other hobby to get. That's so true. Like, religion was, like, how they felt. Like, they had purpose. Religion was life. First thing she does is she's like, okay, I'm going to be the head of the church like how my dad was. But...

I'll add some twists. I'll throw the Catholics a bone. So she wanted a bit more common ground. She's like, but I won't tolerate the Puritans. And the Puritans were like, damn it. But they were like the super, super Protestant ones who like didn't dance. And like the Puritans were like the people who killed the Salem witches. We just said it. No.

Not fun. Not fun. Not fun. You guys are a little fucked up. Like a lot fucked up. That wasn't great what you did. No. So she was like, besides that, we're all chill here. But she she did like make it a requirement for you to go to church or you'd have to pay like 11 pounds once a week. I think so. I don't be like, honestly, take it. Jesus.

This is not like every day. I don't think it was every day. But she took away the heresy laws that Mary enforced. And I think heresy is like if someone goes against your religion, you call them a witch or something like that. Enough with the witch stuff. Yeah.

It's enough, guys. Also, like, call me a witch. See what happens. I mean, you don't have to tell people to call you a witch. Like, we would absolutely be called witches back then. Oh, my God. We would have been killed so quickly. So quickly we would not have stood a chance. No. So Elizabeth was super diligent about her work, which men were shook about. Like, they could not believe it.

She did the work and she wanted to know what was going on in the country, which was actually not like her dad at all. Can Henry be like, summarize it for me? Yeah, yeah. I gotta go. I have girls to go see. Truly. But people are...

But people are like, okay, sure, you're involved, but who are you going to marry? Because even though you're queen, there's just some things that women are not fit for. Exactly. We don't care. Just tell us about your love life. Tell us about, like, who do you have a crush on? Exactly. They were like, men know more about war, and also you do need an heir. So who's it going to be?

Did people know that she had never hooked up? Well, she would have not been supposed to hook up with anyone yet. Oh, because she hasn't been married. Yeah. So, yeah, people know that she hasn't hooked up with anyone yet. She still has that V-card. Oh, damn. But while this is all going on... V-card? I haven't heard that for so long! Yeah.

That just brought me back. Mary, Queen of Scots, and her husband had already... They already declared themselves King and Queen of England, even though they were in Scotland. Yeah.

because I guess they just wanted to. Like, they were coming for Elizabeth's spot. And Mary, Queen of Scots, was descended from Henry's older sister. So if Elizabeth was, in fact, a bastard, then Mary, Queen of Scots, would be the rightful heir. Oh. So they're like cousins. They're cousins. Exactly. Okay. Exactly. And she's like, well, actually, I think I'm the Queen of England. Okay.

So Elizabeth's people are like, okay, do you see what she's doing? And she's married. She's going to have a baby. Like, you absolutely have to get married and have a baby or everyone's coming for your spot. Oh, my God. I wouldn't even want to be a royal in this time. I'd be so scared of being killed or, like, it's too much pressure. I think I would have rather, like, but then, like, what is the alternative? No, I know. Actually, I think.

I think like being just like a nobleman would be quite nice. Or what about a lady-in-waiting? Yeah, but I'm also like – Because you're kind of like in it. Do you have to be doing like chores all the time? Like you have to like get up earlier than them. I feel like if you were a servant, that was not a good place to be. But if you were a lady-in-waiting, you kind of just like dress them and then you got to just like hook up and like drink. You're like the bitch pack. Yeah. Okay. Maybe that is like the perfect spot for us. You know? So you're like kind of on the – like I think that would be where we would be. Yeah.

Totally. Like we'd get kind of jealous sometimes. I was just about to say, but would you not get so jealous? I mean, I would, but I'd also be so thankful that I wouldn't fear death. That's true. So I think, you know, hey, apples and oranges. Also, the stakes are so much lower. Yes. If you're waiting and waiting. You still get a dress hot. Yeah, you're still rich. Yeah. And then like you possibly get to even sleep with the king. Which I think you are like the whole time. Depends on who the king is. That's true. They've never been hot.

No, they never have, have they? It's not Nicholas Holt in The Great. That's for sure. I know. That's the thing that has us all fooled. No, no. They were like... If it was Nicholas Holt in The Great... Stinky and short kings, literally. Physically and literally. But, okay, well, let's talk about some suitors for her. Who's trying to hook up with her? So there were a few different major options that we'll see throughout her whole life.

Her brother-in-law, Philip of Spain... He's still trying? He's still trying. He's a tickler? No, sorry. That's Thomas Seymour. That's right. He got his head cut off. Oh, that's right. He's dead. He's dead. But Philip of Spain, who was Mary, her older sister's husband, when she died, he was like, well, I would still like to be involved in England. Right. But he was a little reluctant. But again, he wants to keep ties with England. And Elizabeth was like, shh, no. Right. Was she desirable beyond her...

Her title? She's not pretty, right? Like, was she known to be not pretty? I, definitely later in life. I think earlier in life, she was fine. I don't know. I've just like, and I didn't want to say this in the beginning because that's not how we like, you know, like to characterize the women we're talking about. But I just remember like learning about this in school and like, I'm pretty sure it was like, she was. Towards the end, she was pretty. Like a little. Would grotesque be the right word? Yeah.

I think that might be how she might be described later. Yeah, like shocking looking. Yeah, shocking. Yeah, but she was queen, so people are like, what's not to like? Yeah, she reminds me of what my dad's ex-girlfriend looked like when I was nine. I'm not going to lie. I'm sorry, I have to say it. She was like pale with like red, curly, thin hair that like went out to the ear and like

very thin and frail. The Queen of Hearts was modeled after Queen Elizabeth in Alice in Wonderland. Oh, interesting. It's like an intense wig. Sorry for that tangent. That's what we're here for, are the tangents. So, not Philip of Spain. For several years, she seriously negotiated marrying Philip's cousin.

Charles II, Archduke of Austria. But he was Catholic also, so it could have been like a little sticky situation. But like she played him for a while. She was like... Also like Austria, like not a bad... No. Or was that a bad place to be back then? I think it was all like the same, really. Cold... I don't know. London's cold too. So like...

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Rammies, I'm going to let you in on a little secret, and I'm going to say something that you probably have never heard a soon-to-be bride say, and that is that I love wedding planning. I have had such an amazing, fun, light experience doing it with my fiance, and that is a huge thanks to Zola. So with Zola, you can plan your entire wedding in one convenient place.

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from the couch do it wherever you want because this is all about you so here's what you're going to do you're going to start planning at zola.com that's z-o-l-a.com you can thank me later yeah it's all just tough is austria like peaceful like switzerland no i

I think that it got occupied a lot. Marie Antoinette was originally Austrian. That's right. And I think Catherine the Great was also Austrian. So produce some like powerful woman. Yeah, we love. So that guy eventually goes on to marry his niece and have 15 children. 15? With just that one? Just her? I think so. How did she not die in childbirth? I think

She probably did. I mean, I don't know how she died. Probably that if I had to guess. 15. Sounds horrible. Your poor vagina. Like, truly. Like, you can never heal. No, you don't have time. No, you don't. So she also entertained the proposal of King Eric of Sweden for several years. He would constantly write her letters, which amused her.

She was like, it's cute. Yeah, it's cute to get the attention. Exactly. And then she considered marrying two French princes that were brothers. Oh, like a different, like, never mind. I was like, at the same time? Not at the same time. Okay. I was like, I saw where your thought process was going.

I don't know what you could do. I don't know the rules back then. At different times. Okay. I'm surprised that they're, I don't know. Everyone is like, it's such a contradiction, right? Because they were like, you can only marry this woman because of religion, but also you're sleeping around with other people the whole time. It's so stupid. Yeah, it is. It is just hypocritical. She, in her lifetime, had about 26 marriage proposals. Oh.

She was super valuable. However, she saw how her power did depend on her remaining single because she's like, if I marry a different country, it's going to stir some shit up. If I marry someone from my country, it's going to stir up some shit with the noble people. So honestly, just be better for a single. Damn. Do you think she was lonely? But it wasn't really like love anyway when people got married, right? It was all just like business. Yeah. Yeah. It definitely wasn't about love.

And I think she had a poor view on marriage considering what happened to her mom and stepmom. We need to talk about it. I mean, it's like, you know, she didn't have therapy. Right. Also, if she marries, that guy becomes the king. And even though she is like the blood, the queen...

She becomes his property and he becomes the dominant party. So she's also like, why would I do that? Because it's like her giving up her power. Yeah, it's like a lose-lose. But there was someone. Oh? But there was some love there. Oh? Let's talk about Robert Dudley. Oh. So Robert Dudley was a childhood friend. They grew up together. That's always very sweet. Also, Joe Alwyn played him in Mary Queen of Scots with Margot Robbie. I forgot they were like hooking up. Oh, really? Yeah. So Robert Dudley...

He was in that group of kids that Elizabeth and her brother were in that were getting educated at the same time. So they went to school together, rich kids. So he's like, you're smart. I've always liked that about you. Exactly. Our families come from the same background.

Within a few months of Elizabeth becoming queen, it was known that, like, if you wanted something from Elizabeth, you had to go through Robert first. Oh, so they were, like, remained close. He was, like, her confidant. Exactly. He was her favorite. He had full access to, like, everything Elizabeth. At one point, he was going into her room in the morning to hand her her shift. So, basically, she'd be naked and he would bring her in her clothes. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I'm like, and we're calling her the virgin queen still? Yeah, which, I mean, hey, could be everything but. Yeah, literally. Just blowjobs. Always. Oh, that poor thing. Hey, she's queen. I hope that he reciprocated the favor. Yeah, I hope that everything, she was just like, and go. You guys know. You need a little laugh. So they were together all the time.

One time he was playing tennis with a duke and without thinking about it, he grabbed her handkerchief out of her hand and wiped his forehead. And people were like, they're like, that's intimacy. Literally. They're like, that was so casual with the queen. Damn. Yeah. And also I'd be like, please don't. Like even for, yeah, gross. But also like kind of hot to think about like your man out there, like in sweaty. No, that's true. I'd be like, just give me back the handkerchief. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's hot. It is. I mean, tennis is a hot sport.

I know. Like, what outfits were they wearing back then? Couldn't be comfortable. I'm trying to think of that. You know that scene in Ever After where all the royals are playing tennis? Yes. They're in, like, long pants with, like, a... Still, like, a fancy shirt. Yeah. But it's, like, just a shirt. Yeah. Wow. Hot. So she referred to him as another ourself. So I think that means, like, we're one and the same. Oh, that's sweet. Another ourself. Yeah, that is nice. She raised his title to Earl of...

You know, it's some, it's the Earl of something. I'm not even going to try to pronounce it. But she, she made him an Earl. Yeah. And she tickled his neck during the ceremony. And then people were really shook. Here we go. Back to the tickling. They're flirting. Yeah. Wow. But that's okay. If it's someone that you trust, it's okay. I don't know. I still don't actually know. I think we just have to let it go. X it out completely. Let it go. Yeah. So one of the biggest reasons that she couldn't marry him was because, well, he was married.

Oh. Yep. In the spring of 1559, it became evident that Elizabeth was in love with Robert Dudley. It was said that his wife, Amy, was suffering from a malady. Is that what it is? In one of her breasts. M-A-L-A-D-Y. A malady. Like a lump? A lump. A lump in her breast. And the queen would like to marry Robert if his wife should die. She's like, just keep me updated with that because...

I would love to swoop in. Well, Amy did die in September 1560 from a fall from a flight of stairs. And despite the coroner ruling it an accident, many people suspected her husband of having arranged her death so that he could marry the queen.

They, the royals, the royals, I mean, that's, they loved you. Remember when Diana pushed her stepmom down the stairs? Yes. Oh my God. I totally forgot about that. Listen to our Princess Diana episode. Cause that woman was, I mean, we all get it. Yeah. But the right. Wow. Desperate times. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. So he remains unmarried for years and I think he's kind of seeing if Elizabeth like is going to make a move. Why, why doesn't she?

Because the whole marriage thing, it's like. I think, yeah. I think she's also just like trying to like run a country. And she's like, everyone like stop asking me about that. Yeah. And she's like, I'm a child of divorce. Like, it's painful. Like, I'm scared. Exactly. Exactly. And then, so she doesn't make a move. And when she doesn't, he's like, all right, whatever. So he secretly marries this other woman who's a countess. Countess Leanne. Money can't buy your class. Her name is Countess Latisse.

Knowles or something like that. And then when the queen was told of the marriage, she was so pissed that she banished the countess from court, which effectively ended her social life forever. I love that. I would do the same. The rage. The rage. And then Dudley eventually gets forgiven.

Always. Yeah. Of course. We know how this goes. Of course. And he remained at the center of Elizabeth's emotional life. As historian Susan Doran has described. I feel like they definitely. They hooked up. There was penetration. For sure. I just publicly. They wouldn't say that. But of course.

they like had sex. No, like you're in the room alone at night having some wine, some candlelight. They're drunk all the time. Of course. Yes. There's just no way. And like childhood friend, she trusts him. Yes. There's just so much like weight of saying like the virgin queen. Totally. By 1573, single life it is, her like people and her

We're like, all right, we know that she's never going to marry. We're going to accept that she's going to be single. She flat out said, quote, this country will have one mistress and no master. Whoa. Yeah. Also, like, is she close to death at this point? Because I feel like everyone dies at like 20. She's not actually. She's healthy. She's got some things to get done. That's good. She decides to be both queen and king of England. She earns the title of the Virgin Queen.

Elizabeth's unmarried status inspired a cult of virginity related to that of the Virgin Mary. In poetry and portraiture, she was depicted as a virgin, a goddess, or both, not as a normal woman.

Yeah, the virgin stuff is just – has always been very fascinating. Yeah, because it's like men love sex, but they also are obsessed with women who have not had sex. But, like, we grew up with this exact same thing that I'm hearing now reminds me of, like, the Hilary Duff – Jessica Simpson. Jessica Simpson. Olsen twins count down to losing their virginity. Like –

We have always been obsessed with virgins. Obsessed. Exactly. It's crazy. It, like, might have started – well, no, it started with the Virgin Mary. But she seems to be the second wave of this, like, you know, like, girls or women are following in her footsteps and, like – And just, like, being made a goddess because she was a virgin. It's very weird. Yeah. And then the second you have sex, then you're, like, washed up or that you're, like, thrown out. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't let other people decide that for you. Sex is just sex at the end of the day. It's great. Fine. Yeah, just like let it go. You let it go. Everyone's having it. Have fun. Yeah, be safe and have fun. And that's that on sex. That's that. So in 1568, Mary, Queen of Scots, was seeking refuge in England. Their cousins, you know, when Mary was six days old is when she became Queen of Scotland. Damn. But she's undoubtedly Elizabeth's biggest threat.

Basically, Mary is Elizabeth's heir at this point because she doesn't have a baby. Yeah, she scares me. Mary, Queen of Scots? Mm-hmm. So she had been forced to abdicate the throne in favor of her son, James VI. And I don't really know why, but this is in a Mary, Queen of Scots episode. But Mary was like, okay, I got to get out of here. So I'll go to England because at one time, Elizabeth was like, whatever you do,

unique girl. I got you. Don't say that. Yeah. Don't say that. Exactly. It was not a good decision because Elizabeth was like, I'm going to put you on house arrest for 20 years. She's like, yeah, come over. And then she just locks her up.

For 20 years. Oh, she's a little crazy, isn't she? Well, but she's scared that she's going to try to kill her. She has to be, yeah. Damn. So Elizabeth was the one person that could never allow Mary to have her freedom because she would be the one that would come for Elizabeth's role. So she literally like locked her away.

I think she was like, you have to stay here and always have guards watching her. I'm sure maybe she could go walk around somewhere. But yeah, you're my prisoner. She's always like, let me see your pockets. Let me see your hands. Yes, exactly. And then Mary becomes a shining light for Catholic resistance under Elizabeth's Protestant rule. There's a Catholic uprising in North England. Elizabeth's like, enough of this. And so she sends her army to squash this rebellion and has 750 rebels executed. It's like crazy.

really gory stuff. She's getting all lost in the power. She's getting thrown into the power. Yeah. She's leading the power. Yeah. In 1580, the Pope Gregory XIII said that Catholics in England should obey Elizabeth outwardly until it's time to overthrow her. He said, quote, it would be no sin to rid the world of such a miserable heretic.

Jeez. It's like the Pope being like, Pope's like, I fucking hate you. Yeah, literally. He's like, just wait and then we're going to kill her. Damn. It's crazy. He's like, everyone like exclude her. Yeah, literally. Don't like invite her over. Act like you're friends with her. Yeah. And then when the time's right. A three-way call. Yes. He's

He's a mean girl. He is. So Mary isn't really involved in plotting against Elizabeth, but then she's like, I'm so over being on house arrest. So... Oh, can you imagine? No. So some of Elizabeth's people intercept a letter where Mary wrote, let the great plot commence, signed Mary. And then they're like... It is time. It is time. Yeah.

So Elizabeth has no other choice now. She's like, Mary, I got to kill you now. She's like, I'm sorry, babe. I've tried my best. What can I do? Yeah, the time is now. The time is now. So she signs Mary's death warrant and Mary was beheaded in 1587. They said it took three strokes of the axe. No. Tess, they said the head moved its lips for a quarter of an hour after it was severed from the body. What's the lips? Like her lips. Oh, her lips were like moving around like she was talking or something.

after it was off, like I'm sure the nerves were just like, I know. And people would just like go watch this. It was entertainment. Yes. How did people not throw up? I,

I it's terrifying. God, that is that is dark. That is dark. So obviously this caused like huge rising tensions with France and other Catholic countries in Europe. And when the news makes it to Spain, a war began. And this is like the crowning glory of Elizabeth's military power that she creates the greatest sea victory for Britain.

So King Philip, remember him? He was the one married to Mary, was going to be married. He was like, oh, she just killed another Catholic person. We're going to go get her. So he plans an invasion on Elizabeth's Protestant England. He had England in the past with Mary. He wants it again, and he wants it to be Catholic. And Elizabeth at this time kind of managed all the sea routes and stuff. She was kind of doing a monopoly over it.

And unfortunately, she did some really sinister shit with that. Yeah. Because she, in her reign, she backed John Hawkins, who was the first English slave trader. She invested in his trading. Several other Englishmen had already taken enslaved people from Africa by the mid-15th century. But John Hawkins effectively set the pattern that became known as the English slave trade.

And his missions were so lucrative that Queen Elizabeth sponsored his journeys and provided ships, supplies, and guns. Trash. Trash. Trash, trash, trash. Not for us. It's kind of like, well, any good thing that you did was just...

overruled by that. Yeah, I feel very disappointed. I know. Same. Because you want to root for, you're just like, yeah, you're like, people take you seriously. You're like, you're not married. You're doing this all on your own. No, and then just not good. Yeah. History is just so dark. History is just sad. History is disappointment. It is. It really is. We still have Philip

coming for Elizabeth and the Spanish have a much bigger feat than the English do and the odds are really stacked against Elizabeth and Elizabeth is like okay rally the troop I know what's troops I know what's coming she gives a speech and when she talks about having quote the body of a weak and feeble woman but having the heart and stomach of a king and a king of England and

She says, and think foul scorn that Parma or Spain or any prince of Europe should dare to invade the borders of my realm. Well, she's trying to be intimidating. Yeah, she is. She's going to her troops. She scares me. I'm going to say it. So it's working. Yeah, she's working. She's a scary woman. Scary mama. She kind of is scary mama. She's scary mama. She's like...

Well, especially now knowing what we know now, right? Yeah, definitely scary mama. Yeah. Yeah. So here comes the Spanish and England gets ready for the invasion. Spain was planning to fight on land, not water, but the weather breaks and a storm just like completely scatters all of their ships and they're literally like, shit, shit, shit, shit. Like stay. Stay.

Yeah. And so they like totally get off course. And so the England's like, hell yeah. And they send burning fire ships, which scorch and sink Spanish boats. And so the English were like, we just did it. We just crushed them. Yeah. And we look so powerful. But really, it was just the weather. Yeah.

Dan, so you can choose where in war people are like, okay, let's do it in the water. That's actually a great question. I think so. I think that like... Because there's like rules and like... Rules of war, which... Which is... I can't even get into that right now. No, it's just like... Yeah, but I believe that everyone was planning, all right, we'll fight on land.

But then when the weather was scattering them, I think England's like, perfect, damn. Right, right. Perfect opportunity. Damn, Mother Nature. That's right. So she just happened to be on Elizabeth's side. So England looks really good and Elizabeth looks really good. She looks like a war hero. So she's like, I got to capitalize on this and make everyone know what I did. So she has a portrait commissioned where she has on this big outfit. Have you seen it? I've seen this photo. Yes. And her hand rests on a globe symbolizing her international power.

Damn. In the portrait, she has her classic red wig and pale white makeup. And in real life, she was maintaining this appearance through white makeup to cover her smallpox scars. Because when she was like in her 20s, she got smallpox and people won't.

We're freaking out because not a lot of people survive smallpox. Yeah. And so we're like, great, our queen's going to die. We have no heir. She managed to survive, but those scars were intense. Is chickenpox the descendant of smallpox? Must be. I have no idea. Isn't it weird that we all get chickenpox? I think I had chickenpox. I did too. But I think smallpox is so much worse. Did that vaccine come out after we were kids? I think I got, I don't know, actually. History of chickenpox? Everyone's like, please stop.

No. Move on. A disgusting thing that happens to you. Really bad. And like smallpox were really bad. Like if you see what people look like when they're breaking out, it's terrible. So she would like cover her face with this white makeup. And the white makeup test was made from lead and vinegar. So she's covering her face. Slowly killing her. Literally.

Literally poisoning her blood, but just caking on it. She looks like how we all did our foundation in sixth grade. For sure. Where it's like you caked. You caked your face. There's no dimension. Nothing. Oh, that's tough. And her painted portraits became less realistic as she aged and more of just like...

a sign of an icon and they made her look much younger than she was. Also, so she has the scars so she's wearing a lot of white makeup. Also from smallpox she lost a lot of her hair so she was balding in like a lot of places which is why she had to put a wig on. And Elizabeth had a notoriously sweet tooth. So...

Eventually, the sugar cane caused many of her teeth to go black and fall out. People ate sugar back then because they thought it would make their breath, like, smell sweeter. Just eating just, like, bags of sugar? Yes, like, eating sweet things. And then, yeah, her tooth decay was so severe that foreign ambassadors had a hard time understanding her speech at an older age. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

She just like became to look pretty intense. That's rough. Someone, Walter Raley, called her, quote, a lady whom time had surprised. That is a rough way to... A rough way. Yeah. To, yeah, be seen. But she made sure that her portraits didn't really age. Like she was like, I want to look 25 in all of her pictures. Hey, that's how people remember her. That's right. And she, with like...

trash any unappealing portrait. She was like, if I don't look amazing, they're gone. I get it. Yep. So despite Elizabeth's or despite all of her, I guess, looks, I just put despite this, despite how grotesque she was.

Elizabeth's reign is popularly referred to as the golden age. There's theater, there's art, there's science, there's discoveries. And why does Elizabeth get credit for this? Because she made it to where she calms the waters abroad and domestically enough so that people could like flourish in all of this.

So during this time, we have gunpowder printing, the compass. For the first time, books began being printed in English, including the Bible. I guess it was maybe all Latin before. Oh, yeah. And ordinary people...

Started being able to read because there was a great establishment of grammar school, but for boys only. Right. Obviously. I was like, it can't be that good. No, it's not that good. In the beginning of her reign, one out of every 10 men could read, and by the end, one out of every four could read. Women went from 1% literate to 10% literate. We love the improvement. We have to start somewhere, but oh my God. That's crazy. And the top-selling book was the Bible. The Bible, yeah. It's still the top-selling book of all time.

Well, I mean, it's the oldest book also, but it's still like the top selling book. Where do people like buy the Bible? Amazon? I mean, you can definitely buy it on Amazon. Like where are people getting their like updated Bibles these days? Guys, let us know. Let us know. Okay. Now theater. Now we're talking. Uh-huh. Your religion. Yeah, my religion, which some people I guess could judge theater too and be like, why would you do that? Just like I may judge a Bible. Exactly. So Elizabeth like would have been a theater kid. She loves theater.

Early on, there was a bit of a class conflict for theater. It was something that more of the lower class attended and the middle class wanted to shut it down. Yeah. Check out our Shakespeare episode. But Elizabeth loved it so much that her counsel went in and protected the theater and created an environment that the upper class people might enjoy more. In fact, one third of all Shakespeare's plays were premiered for a royal occasion. Oh.

Oh. So in Shakespeare in Love, they have that Elizabeth comes to a Shakespeare play. She never went to a Shakespeare play like with the people. She never went to the Globe. Right, right. Of course. They came to her. But yeah, he would premiere a lot of his plays, which like so much pressure. Oh my God, so much. Can you imagine? Okay, the compass again was invented at this

time. There was a guy that she sent out to discover things. I guess discovers not quite the colonized is what we would say now. There's this one guy that claims the territory of Virginia named in honor of Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen. So that's where Virginia comes from. Oh, okay. And at this time, the territory was much larger than the present day state of Virginia, extending from New England to the Carolinas.

And then from Virginia, tobacco was brought back to England. And people are like, oh, yeah. They thought it was good for you. It was good for your health at this time. I'm sure they took a puff of it and was like, holy shit, I have so much energy. I'm buzzing. Yes. Like I feel like younger. Yep, exactly. So that came over. OK, now let's talk about just hygiene in the in this era, though.

So there was no public sewage system. The wealthy would have used a closed stool, which was essentially a padded box with a hole in it, while the poor people would have to make do with a chamber pot. Rags were often used in lieu of toilet paper, and it wasn't uncommon to see men urinating in the streets either, which is still not uncommon. It's not at all, Claire, unfortunately. I saw one when I was sending you a voice memo the other day on the way to my doctor's appointment. I mean, they're everywhere. I saw... No, actually, this is too dark. Never mind. Yeah.

Yeah, never mind. They're everywhere. The more things change, the more they stay the same. We know there were some people who attempted to clean their teeth with wooden toothpicks or gold toothpicks if they could afford it. You might have also cleaned your teeth by rubbing them with ashes of burnt rosemary. But that's how people are cleaning their teeth with just a toothpick. So there's no toothbrushes. And no toothpaste. Toothpaste.

If you were a lower class Elizabethan, bathing regularly wasn't an option. You might potentially bathe a few times a year if you even had the opportunity to. But generally, clothes were just relied upon to soak up the smells and sweat of daily life. Oh, okay.

Yeah. So nasty. The nobility might have bathed once every couple weeks. And we do know that cleanliness started to become an interest at the time because there was recipes for soaps. But people were, yeah, not as clean as they are now. People were nasty. Yeah. Elizabeth herself had baths in all of her palaces and famously once quits that she bathed once a month whether she needed to or not. And it's like, babe, I think you needed to. I think you did, sweetie. You definitely needed to. I think you did. How did they get...

Yeah. I said rainwater. It was like a lot of. And then they just heat it up and into the bath. Yeah, and then like the well. So much effort. If my shower doesn't get hot within 20 seconds, I'm like, what?

What's going on? And I'm like crying. And it has to be like so hot to where I'm like burning and I can't move. I also want it almost burning. Yeah. We would not have survived Tess. This life was not made for us. No. Thank God we are here now. And then like we said, Elizabeth loved her sugar and her teeth were just rotting.

So towards the end of her reign, she actually wasn't as successful economically as she had been in the beginning. Unemployment, there were food shortages. And after about 40 years on the throne, her health was failing and she was getting eccentric. Imagine she's getting older and how her hair and makeup is looking. And on History Chicks, they said that at one point she showed her boobs to a foreign saint. She's like, what?

She's like, whatever. I'm going to die soon. Let's just fucking go. She's like, I've been horny my whole life. No kidding. She's a virgin. She's like, at this point, she's like, what's going on? Yeah, that's true. She's like, look at him. Touch him. So things are going a little crazy. Her advisors are scrambling to figure out what's going to happen when she dies. She's like, all right.

Everyone gather around. And she gives what's now known as the golden speech. And it's her final address to the parliament. And she's basically like, I'm so grateful to have served. And just so y'all know, whoever comes after me is not going to love this country as much as I do. I mean, iconic. Yeah. And that's like basically it. I'm sure everyone's like, thanks so much.

So that was the golden speech. In 1603, she's 69 years old. She's not doing great. Damn, she lived a long time. She really did. Maybe it's because... Never mind. What? I was going to say maybe it's because she didn't have any kids. She was like...

Yeah, I mean, like, well, childbirth, like, really, like, fucked women up back then because they're just, like, the hygiene of it and... Everything. Physically exhausted. No kidding. So she's not doing great, but she, like, refuses to see doctors and she insisted on standing and walking around. She didn't want to be taken to bed because she's like, that's going to make me look weak if I'm, like, working from bed. Virgo energy. Totally Virgo energy. Like, cannot relax. I'm like, this is you when you're sick. I'm like, please stay in bed. And you're like, I need to go outside. Tess, I actually had this exact

I was like, she is a Virgo. I'm like, that's Claire. No, I cannot be in bed for an afternoon. I just can't do it. I know, but baby, you got to rest. I know. It's like rotting. You got to rest. Which I do love a rot day, but. Same. The New York Times said the article where you should, they said that you should have one rot day a week, like for your health, where like you don't exercise, you like don't do anything like active for your mind. And it's like really like powerful. I just like, in order to rot, I need an edible catapult.

Because an edible will help me be able to relax. For sure. Where it's like nothing else matters. Exactly. And it's like, this is just beautiful to lay around. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is. And Elizabeth could have taken a note from that. So she finally... Her ladies-in-waiting were finally... They put cushions on the floor. And they're like, please, just lay down for a second. Yeah. And she does. And she lays there for four days. She's just like, good God, I'm so tired. So tired. So...

The record states that she finally she agrees to go to bed and everyone's pretty somber and they're like, yeah, like go to bed and go go night, night, night forever, forever. And then they're also like, but we don't have a successor. So the record states that she made a sign to one of her right hand guys that James of Scotland. So Mary, Queen of Scots son.

would be the ones to succeed her. I guess the sign was something like miming a crown above her head to her friend. She's really just like playing with her hair and they're like, that's it.

Actually, I kind of think so because her right hand guy who said that she did that had been like basically grooming James to be the successor. Yeah. So probably like interpretive. Exactly. And then on March 24th, 1603, Elizabeth I took her last breath. The cause of death is not like one thing. I mean, it could have been lead poisoning from her makeup. It could have been a number of illnesses or it could have just been old age and stress. Old age for back then.

She was on the throne for 44 years and died at 69 years old. That is like crazy that she lived that long. Wasn't the average life expectancy for a woman like 40 or something? I mean, in Madam C.J. Walker episode in like the 30s we were talking about, it's like, or not the 30s, like the early 1900s, it was like 30 years old. Yeah, that's wild. It's crazy. Damn. Um.

A few hours later, Cecil and the council, whoever Cecil is, set their plans in motion and proclaimed Jane's King of England at her funeral on April 28th, the day after your birthday. Tourist season. Her coffin was taken to Westminster Abbey in the words of chronicler John Stoneman.

I just can't read today.

You got it. She was put in Westminster Abbey in a tomb shared with her half-sister, Mary. She's like, I want to be in there with her. I know. I would be like, please don't put me in there. And I'm sure Mary was like, you again. Yeah, she's like, even here? And hey, that's Queen Elizabeth. Wow. What a fun story. I'm like, what did we even just talk about? Where am I? I loved it. I loved it. I loved that there's just so, I think like...

This is why we have Ram. It's like do these episodes where like you can it's all just like high school bullshit popularity. You know, like it's just all it's all pop culture. It really is. It's gossip. It's so fun. It's all history or it's all high school clicks at the end of the day. Literally. It's all just like I hate you. You're talking. I hate you. I hate you, which is so and it's all about religion, which is so silly.

Yeah, it really is silly. You're just like, damn, so much has been fucked up because of that. No kidding. And like, it didn't need to be that way. No, just like, live your life. Let people live their lives. As long as it's not hurting someone else. Truly. Yeah. But wow, what a story. That was so fun. Hey, you guys wanted the history? We brought you the history. I loved it. It was like an OG Ramy episode. Oh,

good. It really was. The History Girlers are going to be happy. I hope so. I hope that you guys are happy. I hope you're happy. We always do hope you're happy. That's true. And if you're super happy. Yes, please leave us a review. Leave us a review. If you do, you have the chance to be featured in the newsletter that goes out every Thursday. Rate us five stars on Spotify and Apple. Post this episode to your story. Say why you liked it. Say a cute little shout out. Yes. Say a quote that we said. You know, just make it fun. Make it fun.

fun yeah what we will be excited to see your creativity with this one yes we always are and we're always I think there's gonna be some good um DMs from this I hope so good responses we'll see we'll see yes baby yes time to spiral

This is amazing. You knew so much. No, it's just like every time you host, I mean, you kids don't need to see your parents like, you know, it's like we're fighting about like financials. Exactly. You don't need to think about that until you're older. But it is when you host, it's always scary. I know, but it was perfect. Oh, thanks. Well, guys, we love you so much and we'll be talking soon. We do. We love you guys. Thanks for listening. See you next week. Bye. Goodbye.