Arc 1 Ep.1: The Obelisk At Bonbihr Mountains. PART 2
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Wow, here we are for part two of that episode. Jasper, how you doing? I'm very good, thanks, Zach. We just recorded the first two episodes of Arcade, and we're about to record the second two episodes of Arcade. I think it's going pretty well so far. It's going great, and it's fun to just be able to revisit the old episodes at the same time. Oh, it's the best. I feel like listening back to these old episodes as well, I'm learning so much, and I'm like, oh yeah, I need to make a reference to that.

I'm going to make a callback to that. It's really quite enjoyable. I feel like you've given me a little toolkit of all these fun little things I can play around with. It was always meant to be handed to you, Jasper.

Yeah, if you've actually listened to this episode, my name is mentioned at least six times. It's scribbled into the walls, which you can't see. Yeah, of this audio-only show. Imagine if there was actually, you know, in like ten years' time, someone's like, I've pieced it all together. And actually, if you play all of Zach's intros together and then play them backwards, he says the word Jasper over and over and over again. The clues were always there. They were always there. Well, enjoy part two of episode one. Take it away, past me.

Bye. Bye. In the first episode, we entered the world of Amalur where we found ourselves outside the endless Holt to the east and outside the Bonber Mountains in a small town of Aberdeen on the Day of Remembrance where the entire town honored the fallen dwarves and Burham while also sneakily having a touristy holiday festival.

We found Obelisk Superfan Turbine the Gnomish Bart starting his day, brushing off his concerns by his overly by-the-book engineering parents and the needy barflies at the Peanuts Limit to hop into his horrifying car with wheels made of boots to work the day of Remembrance Festival, where he was bullied by Raider, Bink, and Bonk and ended up having to use all his money to pay for their entry after they snuck in.

Sorry about that, Turbine. That was such a sweet moment. I mean, who didn't fall for Turbine in that moment?

And then after that, Brenda Elizabeth awoke from a majestic dream where she galloped with the other beautiful horses. It was such a good dream. With other beautiful horses toward a lake of soup and found that her eight grandparents had saved up enough to buy her a wristband for the festival. After hugging all eight of them multiple times, she sat out and also had a confrontation with Raider Mink and her secret crush, Bonk. Bonk is beautiful. Which was a huge revelation to me. I don't know why.

I don't know why.

And then finally Astrid Starburn awoke in her beautiful penthouse room at the Starburn Hotel, which her father owns, to find a VIP wristband for the festival from her daddy, where she went and immediately won the friendship of Turbine and Brenda Elizabeth with her confidence and the little prizes of a stuffed animal horse and a banana. I really love the idea that she won the friendship with her confidence. Yeah.

She did kind of power through it. I guess we're friends now. You seem really sure that we were. I think it's like that sort of situation where one kid just has more of a will to make something happen and the other kids are just there. Yeah.

And then after that, proceeded to generally enjoy the other offerings of the festival, like the Axtos and then the much-anticipated horse show itself. As this uneasy friendship formed, the peaceful vibe of Aberdeen was shattered by the otherworldly horn blowing from none other than the long, dormant nearby obelisk. And as the horn finishes up, I feel like...

I feel like any sound coming from the obelisk is just like a siren call. Even if it is painful, it's just like, I have to go see what this... It's like the equivalent of someone being like, hey, we've got new information about a new movie coming out or whatever. It's just like, I gotta go see what's happening. I just... Yeah. Well, before you can even really get anywhere, as the horn blows, you suddenly hear a voice cut through it.

Uh, oh, hello. Sorry, that was the wrong button. Hello? Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hello? Yes! Is this working? Is this working? Yes! It is? Okay, that's magnificent. Okay, well, first off, I have to say apologies. Sorry about everything. Didn't see the mountain. Kind of came out of nowhere and the

The facilitator is a bit difficult to steer and things were kind of shut down and damaged there. So sorry for crashing here. I can tell that this is obviously not ideal for people. And it seems like we are stuck on top of your mind, which, yeah, I feel very bad about this. I have to say, I just want to underline this, my bad. It's cool, man.

Who are you? Yeah, explain yourself. Do you know that it's been 50 years? But also, it's cool, man. Wait, it's been 50 years? It's been 50 years, yeah. Are you an obelisk or are you a person? Or is your person obelisk? I'm an elf. I'm furiously taking notes. I'm copying your notes.

Good, you're taking notes for me. Excellent. Astrid is just not writing anything down. This 50 years has really kind of blown this dude's mind. He's just like, oh, wow. To be honest, it's been 50 years of just me with my head down working. There's a lot of stuff in this thing is kind of broken, and it's just been me in here just sort of repairing stuff. Are you a spaceship?

It's not necessarily a spaceship, but it is highly advanced, I would say. Probably more advanced than anything over in your town by, I don't know, miles. I agree with that. So you can go to space if it's not necessarily a spaceship.

I mean, almost anything's possible with the facilitator. Look, this isn't, I meant to make a bit of an announcement. I'm not necessarily trying to have a talk back. I'm sorry. Did we, did we preempt the Q&A early? Did we start the Q&A early? This is not the Q&A portion. What does the inside of the obelisk smell like?

What does it smell like? There is a time for questions and a time for answers, but I have two important items that I'd like to meet with this entire town about right now. So the ship sensors indicate that there's an excavation occurring. And you would know this, that actually Raider's mom...

Nadia O'Korn is the leader of the dwarves that have been trying to excavate back into the mine. And it is slow going. It is so, so far down. Like it has been 50 years of digging. And they're almost like they've made a lot of progress, but they haven't quite gotten there yet.

Yeah, he starts, he returns his speech. He's like, I understand that there's an excavation occurring to get back down into the city. And I love the effort, but I think we need to put a pause on that because the excavation is dangerously close to knocking the ship loose and it could possibly crush the entire town.

I want to be clear. I want to help you guys get back into your home in the mountain, but that's a priority here. I think we've got to pause that for a second. Okay? Well, we actually... Well, me and Turbine have no power, but I bet Astrid could put in a good word. This voice is ringing out to the whole town. There are dwarves that are probably... I'm still going to continue having a personal conversation. Yeah.

Okay, it seems like some people are just talking to me directly. Oh, sorry. You might be familiar with me. I'm Turbine Spizzle Zinc. I've been at the Obelisk pretty much every day of my life. Oh, I actually have noticed you. Some of the cameras are working here. Yes, obviously you're familiar with me. I'm Astrid Starborn, so you would know who I am. I'm pretty much no one.

Okay, again, there's about 200 people asking me questions individually right now. When I put my ear against the obelisk, can you feel that? So moving on. I look to Turbine and I nod yes. So you guys are just kind of having one-sided conversations with them as he's talking.

It's like when you're talking to someone and they're on the phone having a different conversation. Yeah, he's just like, this voice sounds frayed a little bit as he's trying to continue his point. To that end, it's hard for me to accept that I need help, but here goes. Straight up, we're hiring. If you've ever wanted to work in a futuristic, almost alien floating tower that's capable of doing almost anything you can imagine...

This job would be perfect for you. Or if you just want to be rich and have whatever you want, or if you just want to experience the world, this place could be good for you. Turbine lets out a squeal that is so high-pitched that human ears can't hear it. Just a delighted... An eagle calls back.

But to my point, we are hiring, we are seeking highly motivated, talented individuals with creative problem-solving skills. Due to the slight less than ideal circumstances, we have to be sort of, we have to be a little strict about who we're interviewing, and we can only interview 12 people at this time. Like raising my hand. Obviously. Seeing a lot of hands. Obviously raising my hand. Seeing a lot of hands across the entire house. I have a gold wrist thing.

Again, it seems like about 200 people individually are asking me questions. I guess I shouldn't even respond. All right, I'm going to power through. Look, to sign up, it's easy. And as he says that, you see 12 drones...

drift down from the sky. You know immediately this is what you saw earlier. There are these little golden robots with spindly little arms and legs. They have a little round body with sort of a big... They almost look like Mike was the guy from Monsters, Inc. That little green dude, but they're gold and robotic. And they hold in their hands a little quill, each of the 12 drones. And he's like,

the drones floating around your town, uh, which is, I have to say it's a gorgeous town. Uh, they, they find them. And if you retrieve the quill and come up, and as he says that a table walks out of a little hole in the, in the obelisk, just like, like it's an animal and then spreads out and makes a little, uh, makes a little, uh, sign up sheet on top of it. Yeah.

The robotic surface of it like kind of like spreads to reveal like this surface that you can ride on. So I want to see that you can creatively problem solve however you want to do it. Get one of these quills from one of these robots and then bring it up here and write your name down. I guiding bolt a robot.

So they're all kind of far away right now. How far away are they? So this voice is like, the obelisk is like a five minute walk from where you are. And so this is sort of in the distance. But as you see this happen, he's like, and we'll just get started now. And as he says that, the robots split and fly in different directions. Everyone give me a perception check.

Oh, I got really good again. 23. 23? 10. 10? Okay. I got a 15. Cool. So as you see these, it's almost like they're like, you know, the snitch from Harry Potter. They're darting around the sky. Everybody also roll initiative. Whoa, I rolled an 18 again. 9 plus 4, 13. 10. 22. 22.

Yeah, you're doing it. Oh, wow. Rindo, isn't it? You know I'm not good with people, but... Okay, so...

It's kind of not a real fight, but this feels like the best way to do it. These drones are darting around the town. Everyone in the town is going fucking nuts. The guy who just did the axe throwing game with you is like, every man for himself and screams. And people are punching each other in the face and darting around trying to chase these things. As everyone is looking around this entire town for these flying robots, Brenda Elizabeth says,

You are centering yourself, trying to think of the best way to look for him. Your eyes are once again drawn to the horse pattern, and you look up, and this beautiful Palomino horse is sitting there with one in its mouth.

You know what? I thought I was going to have to use other spells. I'm just going to walk over. I have a dream in my heart of buying my grandparents back that two-room house. And so I'm going to go over to that Palomino horse and cast a spell that you would assume would be coming from a place of selfishness, but I'm going to cast Animal Friendship on that Palomino horse. Okay.

Perfect. Wait, so does it make a save or anything? Let me just double check. Sorry, I can't have... It's just a friend now. He's just my friend now. Come on, Zach.

The spell lets you convince a beast that you mean it no harm. Choose a beast that you can see within range. It must see and hear you if the beast's intelligence is four or higher. The spell fails. Otherwise, the beast must succeed on a wisdom. So it automatically fails if its intelligence is four. It's got an intelligence of two, so we're good. Dumbass horse. Yeah.

Watch yourself. Freaking read a book, you stupid horse. Quit eating drones. Okay, new friends. Okay. I walk over to the horse and I want to... First off, this is very exciting. I'm going to pet it. Okay.

Okay, you walk over to the horse. The horse regards you, looks around as it's kind of gnawing on this little helpless robot that's flailing, kind of slapping the horse in the face, but it's not doing anything. I kind of want to do like, is there like an apple around or something? I kind of want to like Indiana Jones. Yeah, make a luck check for an apple. A luck check, okay. A lucky apple.

-Okay, to your left is a whole bag of apples that were going to be caramel later. No one's around. -Yes, I want to, without the horse noticing, distract it with some pets and then swap out the apple for the little dude. -You are seamlessly able to swap this apple out for this little robot guy.

And the horse nuzzles up to you. It wants you to pet it. You and I have a story that will be told another day. Right now, I need to get first in line to get a job. So you take the quill. Give me an insight check. 19. Okay. So with the 19, you'll know that you have to be...

You look over and you see a dwarf dropkick a gnome. Like, people are going nuts. So I think I take the quill and then maybe, like, if there's a piece of hay or something that from an aerial view would look like a quill. Oh, shit. You know what I could do? I can get another rainbow gel quill, right? Or is mine special?

I think you have like a couple, yeah? Okay, then I'm gonna swap out this quill for my rainbow gel quill and then send the drone back into the sky and hide this quill. Oh, wow. Give me a deception roll, I guess. It's gonna be a minus one to whatever I roll. That's a five.

You see this little gnome run up and grab it and be like, what the fuck? This one's a liar. All right, we're going to move down the initiative order to Turbine. Turbine, with your, you had a 15, right? 13.

13? Oh, okay. No, I'm sorry. Perception check earlier. Oh, perception check. I don't remember, but for sure, 15. That sounds right. I think it was a 15. You'll notice that there's not any in the immediate area, but with a 15, it's high enough to see that there were two that darted near where your house is. Okay. Cool. So you can run that way? Yeah, I'll run towards wherever I think that this thing is.

Yeah, so this feels a bit like your home court advantage a little bit, just to be near where you know the neighborhood better. So you run through the town to where your house is, and as you're passing the Peanuts Lament, give me a perception check. That is an 11.

Okay. I mean, I think that's enough. You'll notice that every time you pass the Peanuts Lament, people are calling for you to come in. No one called for you to come in when you walked by. Okay. I take a peek inside. You look inside and you see the absolutely filled to the gills bar with four people inside, just like tangled up arms and legs fighting over a drone. Can I see the drone?

Yeah, it's like wiggling around in the middle of them. The bartender looks up and notices you. He kind of... These are the regulars. These are the people who are there every day. He's like, Oh, hey, Turbine. You got a drone? Yeah, we got a drone. You got a drone? Shut your fucking mouth. Listen, do you... He thinks about it for a second. And all the other gnomes look at you and they're like,

Okay, well, do whatever you want, but, you know, we'd love to hear a song. If I play a song, will you give me the drone? Yeah, make a persuasion check with advantage. 19 plus 5, so 24. They look at each other. I'm a pretty good player.

I have really wanted to hear a song all day. These are pretty unmotivated regulars at a bar. Okay, sure. Let's hear a song. And they point to the piano. I guess I sit down and I play a little tune on the piano. Okay, make a performance check. I rolled a seven, but I have plus five, so 12.

You have a feeling that any music at all would have been great to these guys. The swarm of people breaks apart and the little drone starts to fly away. What do you do? Is it close enough for me to reach? Can I lunge at it? I lunge at it and try to grab it. Okay, make an attack roll. An unarmed attack roll or...

Yeah, it depends on what you're thinking you do. Yeah, I'll just try to like, I have a rapier. I guess I'll try to just smack it down to the ground and see if I can dive on it. So I'll make this. Smack it with a rapier. Cool. So give me a sleight of hand check to do this definitely. So not an attack roll? Give me the attack roll and then give me a sleight of hand check. My attack roll, I roll. Sorry, is that a d20? Is that what you're looking for? Yeah, yeah.

And what do I add to that? Your rapier, I should say, like to plus to hit. So I rolled an eight plus five. So 13. Oh, it actually skitters out of the way from that attack. Okay.

it's pretty small uh so with that we will cut over unless you have a bonus actually you want to do um let me see if i have anything useful i can do i do have like a sort of uh last ditch plan but i i don't think i i don't think i'm desperate right now so i'll just i'll wait till next turn that's fine

- Okay, cool. Then Astrid, it's now your turn. You got a lower perception check than everyone. So you didn't necessarily see any, the higher perception check, like the more obscure drone you would find. So what you see is like basically right outside the hotel are 10 people beating the shit out of each other trying to grab a drone. - That's my drone, I go into a rage.

And I dive right into the scrum. Okay, great. So make a opposed strength check. Do you have advantage on? I do when I'm raging. Cool.

Just a flat strength check. You can do athletics if you want. Okay, great. Athletics, it is 22. Great. So this mass of adult men are fighting. And you're able to, you just like kind of step on a man's face and just reach down into him and pull it out up top. I grind my heel into his face a little bit. Ow, fuck! That, roll damage on the man. Okay.

Nine damage on him. Okay, so the man fully goes unconscious. I kick him awake. He's like, just like on the ground, like so hurt. So we're going to go back to the top of the order. Oh, actually, now it's the people's turn. So Siobhan, you're going to have to make nine opposed strength checks in your eyes.

These are all with advantage though, right? Because I'm still raging. Yeah. All right. First one. And they're probably commoners too. It's a two. All right.

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um 15 okay 13 12 okay one guy snatches it from you but someone's gonna try to snatch it from him and uh they don't another person's gonna try to snatch it from him

Smash a glass over his head. They don't. Another person's going to try to snatch it from him. They don't. This one guy who snatched it from me is doing pretty good. Oh, and finally, a last guy grabs it from him. So it's changing hands all over the place. Okay. And another commoner is going to make an insight check or a perception check. Ooh. Brenda, Elizabeth, can you make a deception check? Yeah. Okay.

Okay, I rolled another 19. It's a minus one, but it's an 18 now. That's a tie. What do we do? Do we do a roll off? I think there's like in a tie, usually there's like a standard rule. It's like either the player or the NPC wins in a tie. But this is just from based on my actually research. I don't remember what like the standard rule is, but there is like in case of tie. I think it defaults to player usually, but I'm not sure.

Yes. Okay. In that case, he looks at you and he's pretty wary of you. Is this about the grandparents? That's who you are. That's who you are. Yes, that's who I am. Okay. Then he runs off. Turbine, you hear the footsteps of people running down this river path. They're coming closer, so they might be in your way soon. Okay.

But that is now, we're going back up to Brenda Elizabeth. It's your turn. Okay. You see the dais in front of you that has the sign-in sheet. This is my dream, is that I turn to this animal that I've cast, Animal Fredshipod, and I mount them. And we gallop towards the dais. So fucking sick. Essentially taking the route that has the most things for us to leap over. And I take my-

My skinny, skinny, long butt-length hair whipping in the wind. Your hair makes just sort of, it almost looks like this horse's two tails in unison back and forth. I want it to look like a nightmare of like a romance novel cover. It's you against the chest of a horse. Ha ha ha!

And while I do that, just in case, because it's so fun to use new abilities, because presumably I'll be able to use the animal's action to get to the dais. Oh, yeah. If that's the case, then yeah. I'll say that for our purposes, you can get there in one turn if you do that. Okay. So I use this great Palomino pony. I whisper to it, what is your name, magic beast? Can it talk? No. Actually, wait.

I get into the mind of this pony and I say, what is your name? So that I may call you what you wish. The Balamino.

Looks confused for a second as it feels the tendrils of your psychic powers reaching into its brain. Can we say the tendrils of my psychic powers look like my skinny thin hair? Yes, we can. You bond your tails together. It's like, well, hopefully it's not exactly like Avatar. What may I call you? So that when the bard sing of this, they know what to call you.

Garfas. Garfas, take me to the dais so that I may get a job interview. I shall make haste. And it sprints. It is like leaps beautifully over the fence.

It's something to behold, but yeah, it gets all the way there. And as much as I'd love to spend my action beholding it, I'm going to use my starry form dragon. Holy shit. So I get like a dragon, which basically it gives me, it just gives me a boost thing.

But it takes an action to activate. Oh, okay. No, it's when you make an intelligence or wisdom check or a con saving throw to maintain concentration on a spell, you can treat a roll of nine or lower on the d20s10. I just don't know if there's going to be any intelligence or wisdom checks coming up, and I figure why not use this action to do that.

Well, as you are riding this horse, you transform. What does this look like exactly? The starry dragon? I think that it looks like a kid who's dressed as a dragon for Halloween. So still humanoid? Yes.

this starry dragon costume appears around you. It has a hole cut out of the neck for your head. And the head is like bouncing around like a thong guy. I have like Lisa Frank sparkles and stuff. Yeah, like you have like a glittering rainbow chasing behind you.

Like, there's magic in this town for sure, but not that much. And so, like, you see, like, a farmer sees, like, oh, fuck! And, like, just dive out of the way. Like, he has no idea what he's seeing. As Galvest leaps over them. Yeah. Out of my way, puny farmer. So, yeah, you make it all the way to the dais. I deposit my feather on the dais.

Yeah, well, it's like a quill. Oh, gas and object interaction. Can I write my name? For sure. So you write your name. I write Brenda Elizabeth in parentheses. Brenda Elizabeth for short.

Brenda Elizabeth, in parentheses, Brenda Elizabeth appears in just this beautifully glittering writing that shines with silver and then gold and then different colors. As it imprints on the sheet, the quill evaporates in your hand. I could have used that in my trap. We're going to cut over to Turbine. You are in the doorway of the Peanuts Lament. Cool.

The drone is like kind of darting around in the air and it's starting to go outside. Oh, I'm sorry. I actually skipped the drone's turn. The drone does walk kind of like float outside and just kind of sits there. You don't know exactly what it did, but it's just kind of sitting in the same spot outside. Can I try to just dive on top of it? For sure. I think you also have to make a similar check as you did last time. So just an attack roll, I think.

Can I specify the horse's name was Galfast? Yeah. G-A-L-F-A-S. Great. That's what I just wrote down. Okay. That's the name of the hobbit in Bloodkeep. Oh, really? Or Galfast. It was Galfast Hamhead. Oh, shit. Oh, well. This is Galfast without a T. It's different. All right. I'm rolling. Can you tell I didn't have a name for the horse? Okay.

Alright, so that is 14 plus 5, so 19. You tackle the shit out of this drone. It falls to the ground. It just skids across the ground. It's like, it's pretty small, but you know, you're not the biggest guy in the world, so it's like, I don't know, tackling like one of those life-size Barbie things for you. How big is this thing? It's really light. Alright, so do I have, like, can I rip the quill out of it?

I'll just say, since you tackled it, you can rip it from its hands. Okay, cool. It's like these little twig arms. So you rip it from its hands, and it's kind of slapping at you, but nothing's really happening. And you see the commoners coming in behind you. They see that you have a quill. You still have movement left if you want to just... Yeah, can I just start booking it towards the table? Yeah.

Absolutely. So you take off towards the table that people are chasing after you. Astrid, you are in this scrum still. People are just beating the shit out of each other trying to snatch this...

You see the guy next to you who has it, didn't have it moments ago. And the guy before that is the one who took it from you. It's just chaos here. Are they all smaller races? They're all like dwarves and... Yeah, dwarves. It's a combination of dwarves, gnomes, and halflings. Cool. I mean, I'm just going to try and grab it again. Okay, cool. I'm not rolling very well today. 14. 14.

- Roll the 13. - Yes. - So yeah, you snatch it from this dude's hand. You have a feeling they're all going to try to snatch it from you if you stay. - Can I just intimidate them? - Yeah, make an intimidation check. - Great. Oh God, a nine.

They rolled a seven. Yes! So, I mean, you're raging and you are path of the... What kind of barbarian are you? Is it ancestral guardian? Yes, ancestral guardian. So you have these terrifying ethereal spirits around you that are not humanoid in a way that you can necessarily fully recognize, but they're just like a bunch of fucking ghosts flying around you.

What do you say as you intimidate them? I say, this is mine. Don't you know who I am? I deserve this and you don't.

They all look up and your hair like billows with like fucking like Dragon Ball Z energy as you say this. And they're all fully intimidated. And they like scurry off to try to find another one. Get out of here. Yeah. So you can take off for the deus. I take off. I pocket it. I put it. I don't want to draw that much. I'm not that arrogant that I want to draw that much attention to myself. Okay.

Cool. We're back around to Brenda, Elizabeth. You're already on the system. You can do something else if you want. Okay.

I mean, well, first off, I should tell you, I looked at my Ghostwise Halfling silent speech. You can only speak telepathically to a creature that you share a language with. So I'm just letting you know that right now. I won't try that again in the future, but I won't let you undo the fact that I did speak to that. I will say that like with the combination of animal friendship, it bypassed that in some way. Thank you. Yeah.

Let me see. Is there anything else I want to do? Make a perception check if you want. Okay. So you want me to make a perception check as I dress as a dragon holding a stuffed horse? Sort of survey confidently on my Palomino.

-Okay, that was a four, but then it becomes a 10. -16. -With a 16, you look in the distance, you see a little gnome screeching as he's running. -Oh, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get off Galfast, point at Turbine and send Galfast to Turbine.

So you, uh, uh, Galfast looks at you and, uh, nods like, uh, he, he continued. You guys can continue talking. Okay, cool. Brave beast. Uh, my new friend who loves my cabbage soup wires you. Say no more. And he just kind of like shakes his mane and sprints off down the hill. Just decks a dwarf out of the way. Let me see if there's a stupid spell I want to do. You know what? I'm going to also create bonfire. Okay.

Just to really show off that I already am done. People, yeah, you create a bonfire and the people in town are like, someone's already found one. Like, that grandparent girl, really? What is she wearing? Where did she get that? Spirit of the dragon beats in my heart. Okay. They all just keep running around. Turbine.

You see this horse galloping towards you as this angry mob starts chasing you. What do you do? Can I reach... The horse and I are running at each other. Can I reach the horse? Cool. What I'm going to do...

I'm going to be really stupid here. I'm going to run towards the horse and try to mount it and ride the horse the rest of the way to the table. But as I'm running towards the horse, I want to take out that banana I picked up earlier and throw the peel behind me. Mario, go!

Oh my god. Trying to stop at least someone in the crowd. Yeah, there's like eight people chasing you. I'm like, it's not one down. You ever see the bike wipeout with the Tour de France? Like, one falls and everyone's just like... So you throw a banana peel yet. They haven't got to you yet, so it's just in the track in front of them. And then I'm booking it towards the horse to try to...

Okay, so you can get to the horse's turn, I'll say. Make an athletics or acrobatics check to hop on the horse. Let's do acrobatics. That's a little better for me. 12. 12.

Okay, cool. You're so small. You jump up and the horse just bites you in the head and just puts you in his mouth and just turns around and starts galloping back towards the dais. Steady, Galfast, steady. So after your turn is Astrid. Astrid, you are running from this crowd that was intimidated by you. You see this beautiful horse that y'all were looking at earlier? Yeah.

galloping towards the dance with a little gnome in its mouth. Just kind of bite in his head. Astrid, it's your turn. You've successfully intimidated this crowd. It seems like they've run off to join the crowd chasing after the turban.

You're in the clear. Go with God, Galfass. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's like ahead of you anyway. So yeah, you can make a stealth check if you want to like hide the quill and keep going. Sure, I'll do a stealth check. It's a nine. Ha ha.

With a nine, you're trying to be quiet as you can, but there are swirling spirits around you. People notice you, but they're going to start taking off after you on their turn. Also funny to have the richest girl in town who always says, don't you know who I am? Try to be stealthy. Everybody stop remembering who I am. Wait, I don't know who I am. You don't know who I am. I know who you are. You don't.

You don't know anything, idiot. Imbecile. At this point, Galfast will just go on Brenda Elizabeth's turn. Unless he would do something else. Emily, I think he's just going to take off towards the dais. Actually, Brenda Elizabeth is incredibly spiteful. Galfast, deposit him in the river. I will be the only... I'm just kidding. Yes. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. She gets a little bit of power and she just goes mad with it.

I think, yeah, Galfast goes on my turn and brings Turbine as far as they can. Cool. So Galfast does that. Turbine, it's now your turn and you're at the dance. Cool. I sign my name.

Cool. Your name glitters, turbine, spizzle sink. Turbine. With these beautiful swirling colors and lights. Just be really careful, turbine, because the quill disappears, but I think it might be a really valuable quill. No, it's a collector's item. Shit, fuck, yours disappeared too. Disappears in the wind. I immediately start looking for another quill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a couple more drones flying. I chase after another drone. Not...

You're like running like five minutes away. After that is Astrid's turn. It's back around to you. Great. I go for the dais. Cool. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to roll for the commoners. The commoners are going to just, let's see if any of them, they're chasing after a turbine. Let's see. What should I roll for the banana peel? I think they should roll a dex. Dex check. Dex savings? Yeah.

I think that everyone who doesn't... Yeah. Or the entire group slips on it. All right. Let's say the check was for a DC 10. Okay. Fuck. Everyone's got over a 10 except for... Okay.

Because it's funny. I'll say that the first five people are like, oh, banana peel! And leap over it. And then number six through eight are like, what are you doing? And then the first guy slips and the back of his head nails the dude's head behind him.

And then he fucking trips and the other guy flies over them and breaks his teeth on the ground. Turbine, you are an inspiring warrior. Thank you very much. So three of those guys are out of commission. Five dudes are, well, I think the guys who are intimidated by you won't come after you, Astrid. But I think the other dude who noticed you when you were trying to make a stealth check is coming after you. So just make an opposed strength check because he's going to try to grab it from you.

25. Okay. So this little man comes up to you and tries to grab your drone and you just stiff arm him in the face and he just bends back. Elbow to the neck. Just hits the ground super hard. And you can make it up to the dais this time. Yes, thank you. I can't believe you signed it before me and I signed the thing. Squeeze it in of the top of the page. Okay.

I left a spot for you, Astrid. Thank you. And the part that says the date at the top, the little header section, Astrid Starborn appears in glittered writing. I put a little star above the I in Astrid. That appears. You get it just in time before the quill disappears. Astrid, I'd love to have a doodle date if you're into doodling. I can show you all the stars and hearts and S's I draw. I don't know what a doodle date is. You don't know what a doodle date is?

- Well, let me tell you, I take out my concertina. - As you explain the doodle date, the rest of the town finishes up the hunt for the drugs.

You look after you. Some familiar faces sign their name. The man who was working the axe throwing booth writes his name down. That's good because Astrid put you out of a job. Yeah, she really, like, I don't understand. I've never seen a child throw an axe at a heart. Raider, Bink and Bonk come up with different quills. What? A human tourist comes up who is like- So tall. Just kind of just like-

Yeah, it's like gangly man comes up, writes his name. And yeah, just other townsfolk write their names and all 12 spots are filled. Okay, it looks like we have our 12 interviewees. Well, thank you to everyone who participated. It's very obviously competitive to get a spot here. You're all winners in my book.

but these 12, please, why don't you come aboard? And you see the gate appear in the side of the obelisk. What was once a flush wall has a beam of light kind of reveal the doorway as it lowers down. And there you see him, Barnabas Glenfin. Once again, I squeal so loud. There's just the birds run away. The sheep dog is just running in circles.

Turbine, you look up and you see this elf with a top hat that doesn't look dissimilar from your obelisk hat. Uh, he's got sort of a mismatched suit on. Uh, he looks almost a little like, uh, inspector gadgety. Like there's like his hands look a little metallic in nature. Uh, he's got like dark black hair, uh, and a little, uh, little spectacles on the bridge of his nose. He stands there and he, uh,

looks at you 12 and he says, okay, now everyone time to come aboard. It shouldn't take super long. Yeah.

Oh, thank you for being considerate of our time. Yeah, I mean, it's just a little, I guess I'm just trying to, actually, I don't know. I'm realizing that I spent 50 years working. Yeah, I was wondering. As we're all lined up, I just keep taking one step forward to be just a step in front of the rest of the line. I step in front of him every single time that he does this. I just keep stepping in front. So we're just like creeping. All 12 of you start stepping in front of each other. I get on Galfast.

It's like a saw. Okay. As everyone starts walking into the obelisk, Brenda Elizabeth on Galfass says,

That's where the episode will end. Oh, wow. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to get all new episodes months early and hear the exclusive arc barks over on our Patreon. Zach Oyama was your Dungeon Master for this episode, and the characters were Emily Axford playing Brenda Elizabeth, Mike Trapp was Turbine's Pizzles Inc., and Siobhan Thompson is Astrid Starborn. This episode was edited and produced by Zach Oyama and Jasper William Cartwright. Bye. Bye.