Arc 1 Ep.1: The Obelisk At Bonbihr Mountains. PART 1
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This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites, like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies, like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow.

Hello, folks. We are back for the first time, as always, so far.

As long as I can remember. Hi, I am Zach Oyama, and the Rotating Heroes podcast is back. But there's been...

a couple of changes. If you want to hear more of those details, you can head over to the Rotating Heroes Patreon where there's a public post about the show. And you can also hear ARCs 1 through 7 right now. And then Arc 8 will be dropping very, very soon. With a slight change. What could that be? Yeah, that's right. There's a slight change. Hi, everyone. I'm Jasper William Cartwright. I am so, so excited to be joining the Rotating Heroes crew.

And from Arc 8, I will be taking over the reins as DM and become the new custodian of the world of Amalur. But fear not, it will be the same character, the same worlds that you have grown to love or that you will grow to love through listening to this show. It'll be a little while before Arc 8 hits this feed. So if you can't wait and you want it sooner, then make sure to head over to the Patreon and it will be there in November. November of 2023? Mm-hmm. Wild. That's right.

And if you need more reasons to check out the Patreon, you can head over there to listen to the arcbarks, the talkbacks for every episode. That's where we get together after the episode and talk all things that went down, as well as monthly updates where we shout out the amazing people who have been sharing the show, as well as keeping you up to date on all things Rotating Heroes. But let's start it back at the beginning with Siobhan Thompson, Emily Axford, and Mike Trapp, as they discover some very interesting things happening with the obelisk that's near their hometown.

Sounds like it to me. I don't remember. Well, it's a good thing we recorded it. Listen, if you're listening to this, this is also my primer because it's been a minute since I've listened. Yeah, that's so true. How long has it been since you listened? I want to say anywhere between one and 55 years. Okay, cool. That's a pretty broad spectrum. Did they have podcasts 55 years ago? Yeah. Yeah.

That's what they said. This is a podcast. They had him on those discs. On those vinyl. Discs. Vinyls? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was that? Yeah, that was about 50 years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably. Okay.

That would have been way, that would have been a big old thing to like have to like go to the store and get a vinyl of a podcast. Yeah. I'd do it though. Definitely this one. A two hour vinyl of a podcast for, I don't know. How big would that vinyl have to be to have two hours worth of information on it? It's like when a pizza place does like a novelty giant pizza. Gigantic pizza. The size of the record player would be like the size of your living room. I'm sure it's affordable. It's definitely affordable. Yeah.

Gosh, I am giddy thinking about this. This is Mike. You're about to listen to me

basically DMing for the first time. For the first time. And that was a nerve-wracking experience. Yeah, I can imagine. It's like, especially doing it for an audience. An audience and some of the, like... Easily some of the best players in the space. Glad I'm not doing that right now. You did not give yourself, like, easy mode. For sure. We dumped it. We dumped it. We...

We dumped in. We dumped in, baby. We dumped in, baby. We dumped in on the deep end. Yeah. We dumped in on the jeep end? On the jeep end? We dumped in on the deep end. Genuine question. How did you find creating the, like, creating the lore, creating the world for the first time? Was that, like, something that you really enjoyed? Or was it, like, I definitely felt like the first time I had to do something for a big audience like this, I was like, I feel super overwhelmed that everyone is, like. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know, it's.

equal parts fun as it is like oh god i hope people like it uh so but like yeah definitely very nerve-wracking and coming from a world of like writing sketch and other things it was definitely the biggest thing i was trying to write like a world sure sure sure there's like so many more moving parts right you're not just focusing on like one scene or like one particular narrative through line and trying to like create a trajectory that the other podcast the other arcs can follow sure uh

you know, and you don't know what's going to happen. Exactly. And like, I mean, like I said, it was absolute hard mode because you did it with a rotating crew of people. So even the characters themselves were changing like every, you know, four, like also episodes, which is crazy. I guess I was pretty brave is what I'm thinking. You're actually like so brave, dude. I think the best part about these little wraparounds is they're going to be a great place for me to tell myself I was brave. Yeah. Yeah. And process the, uh,

process the all of the emotion you have now as a as a much older man yeah i'm 17 years older 17 years older you like in 2020 lockdown yeah it kind of feels like that feels that way kind of feels that way oh brother that's definitely something that i've really enjoyed about re-listening to these as well it's like hearing all of you in like peak lockdown mode oh my god it's extremely entertaining we sounded well i'm sure yeah you sounded all sounded just so emotionally stable it's great

A bunch of normal people. A bunch of normal people running around telling a fun story. But it is an amazing and a very, very fun story. And I feel very lucky to be brought on and be a part of this family. I can't wait for us to get to Arcade and the new stuff that I'm going to DM. But you guys are in such a tree. If you haven't heard the Rotating Heroes podcast before, Zach's a brilliant DM. And their players are unreal. Like, so, so good.

Too kind. It's too kind from Jasper. It's too kind. Well, I refuse to not be kind, Zach. Well, I mean, you're just going to have to stick around and listen to Jasper DM because he's going to kill it. That's very true. That's very true. I am going to kill it. That's very true.

It was so strange. I immediately, like the words, it's very true, come out of my mouth. Accept the compliment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I immediately regretted saying it like so quickly. It's like, I guess I'll have to take the compliment. Yeah, I've literally said, I've literally committed so hard to taking the compliment and I feel awful about it. Oh no, you were, hey, it's very true. It's all good. It's all good, baby. So I guess it's probably about time that we shut up and let you take over. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's time for present day us to let past Zach take over. Past Zach, take it away. Zach, I don't know if you can see me back in 2020, but you're doing great. Take it away. Good job, buddy. Hey. Keep going. Goodbye. Good luck, good luck, good luck, good luck. Now presenting a rotating era. Okay, hi. This is the first episode of podcast. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

The long blank where you'll just fill it in later. Yeah, yeah, for sure. The raw confidence of a DM coming into being. A title so creative and so powerful that it could only make you fully invest in this podcast. Thanks for listening. We're joined today on this first arc of the podcast.

by three of my friends who are very funny, very talented, and very good D&D players. Let's just go around. Top left on my screen is Emily. Hey, what's up? Thank you so much for having me, Zach. You're welcome. Thanks for being here. Then we have Mike Trapp. Hello. Thanks for having me. You're welcome. You're so welcome. Finally, we have Siobhan. Hello. Thanks for having me.

You're so welcome. Honestly, that would have been a perfect place to intro everyone's characters, but we have to do a lore dump. We have to take a huge dump of lore on the top of this episode. Shit that lore all over a sec. You guys sit back, relax. We made a whole bunch of proto-lore the night before, and now we just got to hunker down. We got a big old lore dump. Grab a magazine. Call in sick to work. We got a lore dump.

-Okay, so let's just enter the world that we're going to be playing in for this arc and I think all of them. -Wow. -Let's get started.

I take you now to the continent of Amalur, a land where great nations grew to almost unfathomable heights. Their technologies pushed the limits of what was thought possible. Massive obsidian ships hovered without effort, metallic constructs built cities overnight, and life was never easier before it became much, much harder.

As nations of men, elves, orcs, and dwarves filled the lands, tensions over resources mounted and the war for Amalar brought a scale of death and destruction the world had never seen. Blinded by ambition and greed, the nations fought till the world was nearly unlivable.

As Amular itself was almost fully consumed by the war, a great emerald flash turned the sky green. As the green light exploded in the sky, a forest larger, denser, more full of life than the world had ever seen blanketed the lands in an instant, covering over half the continent. It would seem that nature went nuclear, and in an instant, what became known as the Endless Hulk was a reality.

But as much as it created, it also destroyed. Almost all the great cities were lost, but nevertheless, the war was over. It had to be, for there were no real nations left to fight it. Many survivors called the Emerald Flash a curse, others a miracle.

But we're not going to start in the forest. I'm sorry. I know it feels like we should. I'm just not. I made a ranger. Yeah. Sorry, Emily. Change it right now. I also made a ranger. I'm all about natural terrain. Looks like we had three rangers here, and sorry. You got about two minutes to rewrite your characters completely. Okay. It's my podcast. Leave me alone. Shit, shit, shit.

Instead of that, we're venturing east, past the edge of the forest, between the Kiptide Mountains and over the Sapphire Lakes, and even the East Sapphire Lakes. Our first arc starts at the foothills of the Bonber Mountains.

As far as mountains go in Amalar, the Bonburrs are considered small but proud. You'd probably say, hey, that's a nice mountain if you saw it, but it would be probably a very intense day hike on hiking.com. But beneath the Bonburrs is really where the magic happens. A natural cave system a mile deep led to perfect conditions for a mine that in time led to an impressive dwarven stronghold.

The family responsible for this union, the Orebraters, were artisan jewelers turned warriors turned leaders. Their house words, reason over might, guided them for many generations. June Orebrater, the warrior queen and wielder of the Iron Comet, was one of the greatest of them all. She learned from her parents' generation that the world could change at any moment. Who knew firsthand when the Emerald Flash created the endless halt to the east.

She knew it was important to rule with a giving spirit. It was under her rule that the nearby gnomes and halflings of the pastoral city of Aberdeen were welcomed into the city for trade, commerce, and friendship. Burden was stronger than ever under June. They were ready for any manner of attack, but unfortunately, what happened next was, for lack of a better word, unprecedented. As history tells us, no one could have anticipated what became known as the Wafting. The Wafting? Yeah.

- Disgusting. - It's not disgusting, it's scary. - It's kinda gross though. - No, well you'll see. A great obsidian obelisk, an ancient technology from the previous age, nearly the size of the mountain itself pushed free from the endless hold, seemingly carried on the breeze, like wafting. - It's wafting this way.

Drifted back and forth, closer and closer at a bewildering and glacial pace. Crossing the distant shores of the Sapphire Lakes, closer and closer, until it struck the mountain itself with a force even the Great Keep of Burdum could never have withstood.

It struck the mouth of the cave with such a force that the mines and city itself all caved in, buried by miles and miles of rubble lost beneath the earth. Most confusing of all, the obelisk struck the mountain and then stood still. Decades later, it remains dormant. The dwarves, gnomes, and halflings were all left with a shocking lack of closure.

No one really understood what the obelisk even was. No attempt to get inside it was ever successful. No entryway of any kind. There was no use of force, however large, was able to penetrate its surface. Any search for answers was a dead end. The only clue they had was that sometimes, on especially quiet nights, if one was brave enough to press their ear to the surface, they could hear something. Something that sounded like the pounding of a single hammer, accompanied by the faint twinkling noise that one could swear was music.

Okay, thanks for tolerating the lore dump. We're now firmly in present day. Wow. But that's the kind of dump I don't want to flush, though. That's the kind of dump I got to show to Murph.

Smooth law dump. Oh, gross. I promise the rest of this won't be as gross. Well, we start our adventure at the foothills of the Bombers in the quaint town of Aberdeen. While still pastoral in many ways, the town has changed massively in the last 50 years, most notably in two ways. First, with the presence of the obelisk, the chief industry of the town changed from farming and agriculture to tourism.

Gnomes and halflings of Aberdeen cater to flocking tourists all hoping to check out the legendary obelisk. The second reason is the massive influx of refugee dwarves that settled in the north side of town, now called New Burdum. Today is an especially big day, as it's the Day of Remembrance.

We cross down to the gnomish district where in the stable of a family home that's not occupied by any horses or anything, a cool teen hangout sort of has formed. And Trap, can you introduce your character? Yeah! I'm Turbine Spizzlesink. I, uh...

I'm a gnomish bard, and the main thing about me is that I just love the obelisk so gosh-daring much. I'm basically like a Disney nerd, but for this obelisk.

I can tell you all kinds of trivia about it. I'll go out to the obelisk at night and press my ear against it and tune all my musical instruments to it. And I'm out here. I'm out here in the stables. I'm just, like, I'm working on my... I got a little, like...

a car would be too generous to describe it. It's basically, it's like, like instead of wheels, it just has like a series of boots that like turn around and like, it's all like, it makes loud cranking noises and stupid like bouts of smoke. But I, I drive this. I really want to see, I really want to see, what do you call the stuff that gets hit on the road? I really want to see roadkill from your boot car. Yeah.

It's like he kicked an animal really hard. Horrifying. There's a special lever you can pull where it just sort of tries to scrape it off against the side. But yeah, I'm working on my stupid little tour car, which I run tours to go in and around the obelisk, or around the obelisk, and take a look at it to curious looky-loos. Cool.

Well, you, yeah, I mean, you're working on your, your, your vehicle, whatever it is. Uh, you, you hang out in your parents, uh, former stable. Like they don't have a horse or anything, uh, where you have kind of like created sort of this teen space, uh, where you're not under the same roof as your parents and you get to do what you want. You got posters of the, uh, the obelisk everywhere and you got your, your different gizmos. You're like, you sleep on a, like a bed of hay, uh,

Like an old obelisk sleeping bag that I bought when I was like six, but I still kind of like it's old and ratty, but I'm still using it.

rows and rows of obelisk like a special edition obelisk hats a new one comes out each year and i've got a i buy the new one every year and i'm wearing this year's but the old ones are still arranged nicely on the shelves of the stable please say you have a series of obelisk action figures yeah they lined up and they sort of marched around

As you're playing with your toys, you hear your dad clutch. They're not toys. They're collectibles. Hey, quit playing with your toys. It's breakfast time. They're not toys, Dad. I don't care. Okay. It's time for... I got some eggs and bacon going. You're going to work, right? Come on in. All right. Just one second. I just got to finish. There's a...

there's some cool going on here between, uh, Obelisk from, from five years ago and Obelisk from three years ago. And there's just kind of, there's something cool happening. What do you mean? I'll, I'll be up in a second. Okay. Your dad patiently waits for you to play with your toys for a little longer. Don't you have work in a little bit? Yeah.

yeah, they'll wait for me. They'll be there. I appreciate you looking out for me, dad. Just like scarfing down eggs, like barely even paying attention to what my parents are doing. Yeah, well, I mean, your parents are in the kitchen and they're like, they're having their morning routine. They're drinking their coffee. There's like a little bit of like a Aberdeen newspaper-esque thing that like is very simple, but like your mom's reading it. And your dad is a,

he's you know happily worked in the mine for many years before uh before the obelisk arrived and now you know he's he's just like his job now is to like help with the infrastructure of the town which is so much more boring for him it's it's so much less interesting he calls out to you and he's like um

Son, can you come in here for a second? Can we just talk to you for a little bit? Yeah, sure, Dad. Kind of in a hurry, but yeah, what's up? Okay, I understand. You guys are working the Day of Remembrance Festival, right? You got...

You're out there. Yeah. I mean, I don't think that's a real job, first off, is what I'll say. What do you mean? Well, you know, giving tours of the outside of a large tower that no one knows what it does. It's an obelisk, Dad. It's not just a large tower. A large tower is kind of an understatement. I don't care. You know what I know about the obelisk? Took my job.

Well, you know what I know about the obelisk? What? It's two miles high exactly. And also, you could hear a wonderful humming sound in there sometimes. Also, the obelisk acts as a deed-free bug repellent. Here's some other fun facts about the obelisk. I think we can stop there. Hey, son. Me and your mother were talking, and we just want you to consider just mull it over today, just getting a real job. You know, you can help me...

Look, we got some drainage culverts to dig. We got some wiring to rewire on the bridge. You know, there's a lot of fun stuff to do. Dad, none of that sounds... That all sounds fucking awful. Okay, wow. Okay, well... Sorry to swear to your dad, but, you know, I think we're just different, and I would hope that one day you come to your senses. He starts choking up a little bit.

Look, I'm sorry, Dad, but I really got to run. We got a lot of paying customers. They can't wait to see the outside of the obelisk, and I can't wait to show them. Okay, well, yeah, we'll talk later. You get out of there. For the day of remembrance, I think you and your buddies that run this...

the Obelisk tours are working this sort of festival, like helping, because it's over, it's a festival that marks the 50 years it's been since the Obelisk landed.

you know, somber festival. It's, it's got a bit of a identity crisis because like there's obviously there's like a, there's a, um, shrine to the dwarves that, uh, lost their keep. Uh, there's this sort of, uh, statue in the center of town that has this pickaxe with like swirling copper and tin, like, uh, the swirling metals, uh, holding it together. And there's like some flowers, uh,

candles and stuff but generally it's supposed to be a fun festival uh like it seems like the numbs and halflings have invested more time into making it that but on the way there you you pass by uh this uh little it's almost like you live like in a district that feels like the like amsterdam-y kind of like river canal uh you pass by like a lower kind of like a hole in the wall bar

called the peanuts lament where we're a little gnome. And, uh, it's truly, uh, a hole in the wall in that there's a piano and, uh, three stools and there's no room for like a man could not go in there. Uh, and the bartender yells out to you. It's like, uh, Hey, uh, turbine, can you come in here and play us one of your songs? Uh, you got any time to play us a song? I, I really got to get going here. And the, the festival's about to get going. Okay. Um,

Maybe you can stop by later. Yeah, well, I'll give you a couple copper if you come in. I check my watch. Do I know like how much? You're very late. I'm extremely late. I imagine also like driving this thing like

The wheel's just huge. It's like the kind of like top of my head is like the bottom of the wheel kind of situation. I feel really pretty guilty about this though. So it's like, as I'm like driving, it's like, you know, I like put like a harmonica in my mouth as I'm driving away and I'm just like blowing tunes at him as I'm cruising down the street. That's beautiful. That was something else. You keep going into town and we are going to cut over to one of our other characters. Emily, you are...

and running as fast as you can. Wow. Through tall grass, you sprint. Is this a dream? This is the fastest you've ever gone in your entire life. You look to your hands and feet and notice that they aren't hands and feet. They're clomping. They're galloping, if you will. You look to your left and you see a Palomino horse just galloping

having the best time of its life also running. To your right, a Mustang gallops, just kind of foamy sweat on its shoulders that are super muscular as it's just like making time. - Ah yes, three muscular horses. - You run and run and run until you get to a crystal clear lake. You've earned this sweet-- - Supesod horses.

Lingering shots of just names. You go up to the crystal clear soup and you lean forward, you look down and you see your halfling face reflecting in the water and boom, you wake up. No!

I knew you were gonna do this to me. - You wake up in your room. You wanna introduce your character? - Yes. Hi, my name is Brenda Elizabeth, but you could call me Brenda Elizabeth for short.

If you're strapped for time, I am a horse girl and a circle of stars druid, but I prefer circle of sparkles. I have a magical trapper keeper in which I doodle with my rainbow gel quill. And I live in a one room house with my eight grandparents. Um,

I'm also a halfling who wears stretch stirrup pants, a unicorn t-shirt, and I have impossibly long, impossibly thin hair, but my bangs are really poofy, like I permed just my bangs, and I'm also wearing multiple wristwatches.

Yeah, so you wake up in the corner. I should specify the description I just gave was I came up with it with the full knowledge that I have a minus one to charisma. I love that in a world, in like a D&D type world, a horse girl very much could be a race, but it's not a race. Very much not a race here. You are a halfling. I have to ask you.

Okay, obviously I am a horse girl. I love horses in every incarnation. Horses, unicorns, pegasuses, centaurs. But Zach, I need to ask you, have I turned into a horse yet? Or was that just a dream and I just woke up from something? I don't know if it's happened to you before. I don't think it has. I think you just had a dream that was pretty glorious. You wake up and you're just like, you have matted your hair's mucus.

Your thin hair's all matted and sweaty, like, just on your face. Like, your bangs are somehow still poofy. I'm tangled up in my own butt-length hair. Is there a single blade of grass in your teeth?

You do smell the real soup in your house, the nasty cabbage soup that your grandparents are putting together. You were raised by your grandparents, and when we say grandparents, we don't mean two, we don't mean four, we mean eight grandparents. Eight grandparents, five grandpas, three grandmas.

Yeah, you got Grandpa Gus, Grandpa Paul, Grandma Jan, Grandma Elizabeth, Grandpa Brendan, Grandma Gail, Grandpa Sean, Grandma Shelly. Wait, I maybe got the wrong amounts of either, but there are eight of them. There are eight of them. Their names sort of fluctuate. Yeah.

All of my grandparents got divorced and then remarried and then resituated very amicably into a one-room house to raise me. So this is very much your...

family home. Your grandparents are all... They all have one... I wouldn't call it a bed just because it's so large and it has to accommodate all your parents. But they just sort of congregate in this big mass in the middle of the house. Yeah.

It's like a 70s conversation pit. Yeah. It's sunken in. It's sunken in from both the weight and the design. Big decorative pillows. Lots of tie-dye. Your grandpa, Brendan, notices you toss away. He's like, Brenda, Brenda. Yeah, Grandpa Brendan, I'm sorry. I woke up from a really good dream. Not like that, though.

Yeah, I had a really good dream. Grandpa Brendan, can I just tell you what my dream was? Oh, we would love to hear your dream. Yeah. I know that this is a morning ritual that I tell all eight of my grandparents to buy you.

Come sit in the center of the pit. His head's just popping into frame. He's like, oh, yes, another story. Well, okay, if you're going to press me, yes. I had this dream, and I was running faster than I've ever run before. And I looked on one side, and it was a Palo Vido Pony. And then on the other side, it was a Mustang. And then I looked down, and I was of an equine body.

Oh, wow. I would love to be an equine body. This old body. He just kind of stands up straight. They all sort of stretch. Don't sell yourself short. Grandpa Brendan, you are jacked and everyone knows it. So much flicking and popping. Everyone looks like... Grandpa Brendan is the most jacked of all of them. He's got this sinewy old man muscle. He was like, well...

I'm glad you woke up because we were all just talking and, you know, today is the day of remembrance and a very important day for our town. Yeah. I know that with the tourism that the prices have gotten a little, well, pricey for the admission. I know. We used to have a two-room house and now we have a one-room house. Yeah. I mean, we're getting priced out of the neighborhood. Yeah. But...

We can all handle that. Between the eight of us, we can figure out a way to...

You know, Gail makes watercolors. Paul bakes pies. Gus is working on that soup. The rest of us are, you know, making do. Sorry, can I just clarify? Is the soup a money-making endeavor? Well, it's a money-saving endeavor. Oh, I see. I do love starting my day with a good...

cabbage soup yes well the the cabbage soup is nearly ready so uh you can have some in a moment but before that we just wanted to give you this and uh all the grandparents part and grandma shelly comes forward with a wristband for the uh day of remembrance festival um there it's like a tin silver wristband because they've disney disneyified the prices almost

Holy horsey. How did the eight of you come up with the means to buy me this? Well, as I said, Grandpa Gus sold some pies. Grandma Gail sold some watercolors. Grandpa Sean braided some bracelets. And the rest of us did stuff, too. This...

Again, I'm not going to inquire because the more you don't say it, it seems like drug dealing. I'm just going to push aside my three wristwatches and then gingerly put on this new band and then very laboriously go around and hug each of my eight grandparents for a very long hug each.

What a sweet child. They all, you know, it takes about, I don't know, 30 minutes to hug every grandparent in a meaningful way. They're also not helping by being slow 80 year olds. More pops and creaks. So I hear at the festival there, you know, they all got, they have all kinds of games, but they're going to do, you know, a best in show horse show.

What kind of horses do you think they'll be displaying in this best-of-show experience? Brenda Elizabeth? Yeah, Grandpa? All kinds. Grandpa Brendan, I...

Hi. Words have been stolen from my mouth, and the only way I can think to communicate right now is with another round of 30-minute hugs. Let's get started. They proceed to laboriously hug you again. As you continue to hug them, we're going to cut over.

To our final character, Siobhan. You wake up in your penthouse suite in the Starborn Hotel. Do you want to introduce your character? Hello, peasants. I'm Astrid Starborn. My daddy owns the Starborn Hotel. Obviously, when the obelisk came...

My daddy opened the hotel instead of being a stinky underground dwarf and we made so much more money than anybody else. So anybody who says that we're not a traditional dwarf can suck it. Long sort of silvery blue braids.

I'm wearing like a leather, almost like a pinafore dress with a, like a Peter Pan collar. And everything is extremely crisply pressed and ironed. My sheets get changed every night.

Your place is immaculate. Your family owns and operates the Starborn Hotel. I think other dwarves kind of consider you, maybe class traitor is not the right word, but they all live in New Bermia and you're one of the few dwarves that live on the sort of the halfling gnome side of town.

for financial reasons purely. It was a wise investment to open this hotel in the heart, kind of in the town center. The Starborn Hotel is the nicest hotel in all of Aberdeen, and tourists, especially rich tourists, flock to this place. You're on one of those rich person beds that are so tall. It's a four-poster bed. Four-poster, obviously. There's billowing curtains around me.

Yes, yes. You pull the curtains wide and you look out over Aberdeen. You're basically the highest elevation in the town outside of the obelisk, of course. A servant quietly brings in a cup of coffee and leaves silently because he knows that you don't want to talk. This is lukewarm!

I'm sorry. Sorry. It just sprints out, grabs it, runs back away. You can't get your help nowadays. Good gracious.

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You go about your morning routine and notice that your daily present is on the little pedestal next to you. Of course, you get a present every day from Papa. Papa! Thank you so much. What have we got today?

Yeah, the present. There's like a little, it's not a big present, which is a little disappointing because usually you get bigger presents. And you open up the crisp wrapping paper and find a golden bracelet. It is a wristband for the festival today, and it is a front of line pass wristband that gets you free snacks. You never have to wait. It's basically, you know, a $500 pass at Disney World. Yeah.

Does it let you ride the horses in the best in show? Because I think I'll steal it. I'll compromise my morals. It might do that. I feel like the best in show is more of a show, but with the status that Astrid Starborn wields, maybe they will let her. Wow.

You go downstairs once you're ready, and you enter the hotel's bar, the Opal of Bermere, which is named after this big opal that was in the center of Bermere that sort of lit up the whole city. It's just kind of like this magical focus that gave light to this underground world. There's a big mural of it behind the bar. It's kind of like a gastropub.

with like truffle fries and artisan pizzas and that kind of thing. Like very hotel bar feeling. And your dad is absolutely tearing a new one into a bartender. Why are these glasses so, this glass is dusty. So what are you, what are you thinking? I mean, yeah. What are you thinking?

Huh? Oh, hey, there's my sweet little girl. Do you like your present today? Yes, thank you. Are you excited for your day? He looks a little nervous because, you know, you are kind of scary to him. You are one of the few people that actually can wield a status over your father. I mean, it better be good. It better be better than last year because last year was...

I am so sorry about last year. You know, I didn't actually put on the festival myself, but I gave a stern talking to the mayor, and he promised me that they added a horse show and everything. It's going to be beautiful. If it's not, we have to get a different mayor. Daddy, we have to. I'll install a new mayor if it's not up to your liking this year, Dad.

Thank you. I love you. I love you too, sweetheart. Your dad feels like he got out of this one a little okay. Like he was maybe worried that you weren't going to enjoy that. I just had to buy a politician. I'll buy my daughter a politician. What little girl doesn't love a senator? Yeah.

I wouldn't mention it, her father. Okay, so we're going to cut over to the festival. It's not too far from the Starburn Hotel. I would just like to say that on my way there, you know when kids pretend to run by doing a little giddy-up? Mm-hmm. I gallop. A little scallop? Yeah.

Instead of skipping, I do a little horse gallop everywhere I go. Everyone's looking at you like you're crazy. I wave like I think I'm Belle in Beauty and the Beast. Good morning. Two halflings walk by you and they're like, that's that girl with all the grandparents. Oh, okay. I see.

It's crazy. They all live together. I have a thermos of cabbage soup. Sloshing everywhere is for calories.

Yeah, you're spilling your thermos all over yourself as you run. A little dwarf who's like maybe like a year or two younger than you with two other little gnomes. He's got like a knit cap and like a goatee. Walks by. He's like, what do you think you're a horse? I know I'm a horse.

a little numb snicker as well and they all like yeah okay uh if you're a horse um we are uh obelisks honestly i think that my retort was better than yours oh go they have the fashionable clothing but i think i outwitted you and i take a huge swig of cabbage soup oh what is that cabbage soup

Okay, whatever. We're going to go into the part... This is kind of a no-win situation for us talking to you, so... Why? Because you're...

I don't know if we're even able to make fun of you. It seems like things just bounce off of you. Yeah, you know what? They do. Because you know what? I feel like the rest of my peers, and I'm talking about you, you are my peers, are so distracted by things like dating and growing adult bodies that I think that you're wasting your brain.

You're wasting your bait and you're wasting your hearts. Me, I'm a doodler and I love horses.

Okay, you have just like a weird sense of self that makes it really hard to make fun of you. So we're going to go out. Bink, Bonk, let's get out of here. And Bink and Bonk, the little gnomes, follow this other dwarf into the festival. As Bonk walks away, I shudder because I have a secret crush. Bonk looks twice like, what?

They're twins, Bink and Bonk. No interest in Bink. Bink looks at Bonk like, what happened? Turbine, as they are walking into the... Turbine, you've parked your weird-ass vehicle that is honestly shaking violently at this point. There's something wrong with it, definitely. I'll deal with that later.

Your buddy Mars is like, "Okay, uh, hey dude, you're late." "I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" The mayor's actually giving- someone's finally paying us to do something, so, uh, we gotta like, kinda focus up a little bit. "Alright, I'm sorry man." "No worries, uh-" "I didn't even stop to play a song or anything, I just went while I was going." "That's gotta be up for something, right?" "Yeah, I guess." "Normally I stop to play a song, and today I was like, 'No, this is important!'" "You're still 30 minutes late." "If only I had at least one wristwatch."

Yeah, okay. You could make one, right? Anyways, well, we've been given our duties for today for the festival. It's pretty casual. I think we just kind of have to make sure people have wristbands. So you just post up over here. I'll post up over on the north side of town and we can just switch later in the day. But it seems pretty cush. We get a break to kind of do games and stuff in a little bit. So yeah, I'll see you at lunch. I'm pumped, man. This is going to be great. Yeah. Hell yeah. For the ob. For the ob. Point.

He clicks his obelisk hat to you, like two horns. Click the hat back. I forgot to mention, I've got my hat and I've also got one big pointy beard. My head's just one big diamond. It's a diamond with a stubby leg. That's very musical. It sounds like you look like a sword. Your friend has similarly bad facial hair. He's got a bit of a mustache.

and patchy hair on the sides that's just sort of nothing. It's like first gnome hair, like gnomes going through puberty or they can't quite grow out their gnome mustaches yet. He's like, this is going to be the best day of our lives and just ventures north to his post. As you're waiting, the aforementioned dwarf raider and Bink and Bok walk by. Hey, fellas! Make a perception check. All right.

I rolled a 10, but I get a plus 2, so 12. Okay. Yeah, you got a pretty straightforward job. They're walking by. They are not wearing wristbands. Oh, fellas. I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you. You're going to need a wristband if you're coming in here. Oh, okay.

So I need a wristband to go into the middle of the town? Well, yeah, you know, it's the Day of Remembrance, and, you know, the proceeds go towards maintenance of the obelisk and paying employees who benefit from the obelisk and, you know, the general health and well-being of our town. So, you know... They've walked in.

I chase after them. Hey, fellas, I know you didn't mean to do that, so come on, we're just going to have to... We can go get you a wristband from the ticket counter over here. Gotcha, okay, we'll be right there. All right, well, if you want to... How far am I from the entrance? I feel like I'm trying to balance watching the entrance for more people coming in, but also chasing down Bink and Bonk.

You're getting to the point of it's strained. To chase after these guys, you're going to have to leave your post. This is very dumb. This is a dumb thing to do. Can I not? Yes, you can. Look, this is a silly campaign. Whatever. This is the dumbest possible thing to use a second level spell for, but I'm going to cast Suggestion on that. Oh, wow. Okay, so you cast Suggestion on Raider? Yeah. Yeah.

Let's see how this works. I suggest a course of activity and magically influence that creature. Target must make a wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, it pursues the course of action you described to the best of its ability. So I cast it and be like, hey, fellas, I really think you and Bink and Bonk should all go get some wristbands. Okay. Raider's going to roll. He got a 15. What's your spell say? 13. Oh, 13.

Did you just try to fucking cast a spell on me? I mean, yeah, I did. I'm not going to lie to you, fellas. I really think it's a good idea for you to go get a wristband.

Look, you're lucky that if I fought you, that the whole town would notice that I'm beating up a guy who seemingly has the job of putting wristbands on people. So I'm just going to freaking walk away from this. But after the festival today, you're fucking dead, man. All right. Well, I look forward to resolving this amicably.

They walk away. I put some money in the ticket counter to pay for being in Bonks and Raiders. Oh, no. That's a lot of cash for you. I'm sure it's pretty upsetting.

yeah I'm not like I that's like the right thing to do but it's like it's gutting me how how much of my money this is man I will not be able to buy a churro later today oh devastating absolutely devastating so I'll say the rest of you get there Astrid Brenda Elizabeth you walk in the festival is pretty

pretty fun for how somber the theme should be. They have a couple of activities. There's like this big pen where there's like

kind of animal shows where this sheepdog is herding sheep. Everybody's watching and clapping from little makeshift stands. There's an axe throwing competition for prizes. There's a little make your own obelisk station where the person who makes the best obelisk gets a prize as well. There's all kinds of treats everywhere. What do you guys want to do? This is very conflicting for me because obviously I want to go watch the animals, but I am also a

a really good crafter

So I might hit up the make your own obelisk station first. Okay, great. So you get to the make your own obelisk station. It's mostly children. It's like young kids. Yes, my peers. So they're like eight-year-olds trying to mess around with glue. The person who's working there, this little gnome lady named Zanzer, she's like, oh, hi, Brenda Elizabeth. Yeah.

Hi, Zantzer. Yeah, why don't you... I guess there's not an age limit on this. Why don't you pull up a chair if you want? That's kind of interesting that you started this with, I guess there's not an age limit. It almost made it seem as though there's an implicit age limit.

Okay, well, Brinna Elizabeth, I think we were initially thinking of this being for younger. It's fun to make crafts. Tanzer, I understand you could smell on me that I've become a woman recently in the past year. Not what I was saying. Not what I was saying at all. You smell the ripening of my body, but...

I still feel like a child at heart, but I guess I could go watch the sheepdog. At least let me leave some sparkles and crafts for you to at least delight the hearts of the children with. Brenda Elizabeth, I want to be clear that I was not coming from that place at all. And I would love if you made a craft and you can maybe even show these these younger kids how to make a craft. I mean, I could use your help if you felt like it.

Okay, I help. I love it when an adult asks me to help. Yeah, so you can help make a craft or make your own craft. These little kids are struggling with glue and stuff. I guess you can make a sleight of hand check or if there's another ability score that makes sense to you. Yeah, I'll go with sleight of hand. It's going to be a 10.

10. I mean, like the competition's not great. So your obelisk looks like an obelisk. A lot of the other ones are like those little tongue depressor stick things are like they're kind of they can't really hold the shape that they want. So that's kind of. I think I'm like a little bit rude to these kids.

Just in like, I kind of am sit him down and I'm like, I like open up my trapper keeper. I show them some of my doodles and say, if you're going to stray from reality, make sure that you have a vision for it. Do you see this picture of, uh, of a yellow lab that I drew? I gave it hearts for eyes, which you don't actually see in the wild, but you know, there was an intention behind it. You understand what I was meaning. So if you're going to, well, it just sneezes on the paper. Yeah.

Oh no, that's my favorite picture of my life. - A little bit of apple fritter comes out of its nose. Like it's just a gross situation.

Sorry. Looking back at the camera. Sorry. All right. You know what? You might be younger than me. I think that Danzer might have been right. I go look at the show. Astrid, what are you doing? Oh, and I will say that, Turbine, you're around your lunch break at this point if you want to check out some other stuff. Yeah, I don't have any more money left, so I'm...

but I'm the uh the uh animal show is just people the the price of admission gets you into that so you you can play like booth games but like yeah yeah I'm I just been I'm so hungry but I'm still like I'm I'm like I love taking in the sights but I'm pretty hungry because I spent all the money I have getting uh getting pink and bonk and raider and

You see Brenda Elizabeth pouring a huge cup of cabbage soup into her thermos top. It just like licked my lips. It smells vile, but it's so, I'm so hungry. It's just like, oh my God.

Your mouth waters as you smell this horrible stuff. I'm, like, staring very hard at Brenda Elizabeth in the cabbage suit. Like, I don't realize I'm staring, but it's just so entrancing that it's just like... Excuse me, do you want some? I mean, would you?

Absolutely. Cabbage soup flows from the faucets where I'm from. Wow. I'd love to see that one day. That sounds incredible. Here, help yourself. Oh, hi, I'm Brenda Elizabeth. Brenda Elizabeth for short. Take her hand. Turbine spizzles ink. Yeah, you could finish the whole thing if you want, honestly. Oh my god, thank you. I'm so hungry.

Just like tossing like shots, just like tossing back at the suit. Yeah. Can you roll? Give me a constitution saving throw. To not have your sinus cleared. Yeah. Let's see. What is that? That is a 14. Hey, it's sitting okay. Yeah. It smelled a little weird, but like you're not, you're not, your stomach's not hurting as much anymore. Like it was a weird meal, but it did its job.

You're sloshing around a little bit. Hey, aren't you that, uh, aren't you that grandparent girl? Yeah, I am. Yeah. No parents, but a surplus of grandparents. Yeah. That's pretty cool. It is pretty cool. Yeah. And you're, you're the guy who drives the car that has boots for wheels. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I love it. I saw a squirrel got caught up in the boots the other day. Oh, God. I didn't see that. I got to go back there and clean it at some point. There's just absolute mayhem in the tire. Bits in the treads of the boots. Oh, God. Does Turbine have a special badge that he's working the show?

I think, yeah, I think he has a different colored wristband, like a green wristband or something that's like staff. Turbine, you're staff. What do you know about the best in show pony display? Oh, my.

Oh, if you look, the mayor put it on special this year. If you like horses, I mean, this this thing is going to blow everything else out of the water. I mean, nothing's ever going to be as good as the obelisk, but oh, man, they got all kinds of horses there. They got Palomino's. They got Arabian. They got Mustangs and others. Brenda Elizabeth steadies herself so she doesn't fade.

As he lists horses for an hour, Astrid, as they're talking about horses, you've entered, you've skipped the long line of people with regular wristbands trying to get into the festival. And, you know, you are a rich kid that maybe doesn't have a bunch of friends. And so you look around and maybe it's a little uncomfortable. What do you think Astrid would do? Um...

I think that she sees two people that maybe she can make her friends for the day. What about my stirrup pants and permed bangs makes you think that you can control me?

Both reeking of cabbage. It's like, yeah, I mean, they're like the people that are roughly your age. So it makes sense that you're like, I guess I'd go hang out. I also didn't mention I have like just huge, like big old like Coke bottle glasses that have like multiple varieties of lenses that I can like flip in and out depending on like what I'm reading and how far away it is. Just giant fucking glasses and a big old...

Brenda Elizabeth should have some secondhand old man glasses that were passed down to her for one of her grandparents. They're your grandparents' prescription, so it's like your eyes are just being wrecked by these. I'm working up to them, you know? They're all squinting at each other, down in suits, listing horses. Oh, horrible. Astrid, as much as it pains you, you do walk up to these guys.

I go up to them and smell, you both smell terrible. Let's go and get some churros and then you can watch me play carnival games. Okay. I'm on board the moment churros. I'm on board the moment anyone speaks to me. Okay.

Oh, great. I click and walk away, expecting them to follow. It's not a spell, but it works like a spell on Brenda. I scurry along after. I'm telling you, this makes sense. I feel like as just like this guy who sort of is like a collector of trivia and stuff, he kind of just like knows a bunch of stuff about the town, a bunch of people around town. I feel like it maybe makes sense for him to be like at least aware of Astrid.

Totally. You would all be sort of aware of each other, if not like actual friends. Like it would make sense that you're like, oh, I'm finally introducing myself today. But like generally you've seen each other before. I'm just assuming that they know who I am and I'm not really interested in who they are.

-Wow, this is hitting a little too close to our actual relationship, Siobhan. -No. -I know that Astrid owns the hotel. -Yes, this is kind of a big deal for you guys. The Astrid Starborn snapped at you to follow her. -Hey, can I ask you something? -Yes. -What's it like on the inside of the hotel?

Oh, that's a really good question. I think I was going to think of asking that too. I wanted to know too. It's nice. It's beautiful. It's the most beautiful building in the town, obviously. Well, second most beautiful building in the town.

- The obelisk is a building. - Is the obelisk considered a building? - I mean, well, there's actually two schools of thought on this. Now, some people consider the obelisk a building, and others consider it more of a monument. Now, I believe that the obelisk is hollow. - I start playing a game called Whack-A-Gnome and just like raging out on this game.

I mean, this is another game for children and you're crushing it. Yeah, I'm using my actual real war hammer instead of the rubber mallet that they... The person working the game's like, oh, like grimacing and just watching you slip. Please, please don't. Please don't. Don't tell me what to do. Don't you know who I am? You want to do... There's the axe game. It might be more suited for your... Yes, obviously I want to do

Oh, that sounds fun. I like to throw an axe as well. I don't think I've ever been around a weapon. Well, you know, except for grandpa's cabbage soup. This, what are you kidding? This stuff is great!

I've just been slurping this stuff down. Siobhan, if you want to play the axe game, there's a little bald dwarf with a helmet on, kind of trying to get people to come up to play the axe game. He's got this kind of carnival vibe. It's like one silver to play if you want.

he's like okay little lady uh so the the object of the game is hit the axe and the target if you hit the target uh you get uh the bigger prize and there's a um you know like a big stuffed horse stuffed animal and if you you know if you hit the target but not in the center uh you get the smaller prizes and it's just um he points to like a bunch of bananas

Just regular bananas? Not stuck bananas. Wow, what does that say about this town that we need to win food? These are shipped in from out of town, so bananas, they don't grow around here. So this is a bit of a delicacy. I've had bananas before. Give me the axe. I lean over to Astrid and I just say, I believe in you.

So just give me an attack roll. Great. I'm thoroughly convinced. I'm already convinced that Astrid is going to fucking kill this game. I'm so excited to watch the master at work. I rolled a seven. Okay. So it's like a hand axe stat. So you can add... You're proficient at it because it's a throne weapon that you can use strength for. Oh, okay. So seven plus six. So 13.

Great. So you hit the target, but not in the center. The axe you threw just digs it. Like it's like goes way further. Like you are, your muscles ripple as you just huck this axe as hard as you possibly can into this target. The guy working there is like, oh. All right, that's one banana. Oh my God. That's one banana.

It chips out a chunk of the target and he's like, oh, I didn't know people could do that. And he hands you a banana and he's like, you're the strongest person I've ever seen. I throw the banana behind me and put another silver piece down. I pick up the banana. All right, you play again. Yeah. Okay, 21. Yeah, you throw a hand axe that buries itself so deep in the center of the target that it rips the entire thing in half. Okay.

Jesus Christ. I cheer just so loud. I'm like immediately on board. I'm just so happy for success in any form. Just like, yeah! Incredible!

I, of course, expect this kind of response for everything that I do. Take it in my stride. The dwarf reluctantly hands you the large stuffed animal horse and is like, we're going to have to shut it down for the rest of the day. The target's gone. Didn't bring any extra targets. That's okay. I didn't need to play anyway.

I immediately just hand the horse to Brenda. Holy shit. Brenda has been fully quiet staring at this stuffed horse the entire time. And the second that you put it in Brenda's hands, she's still frozen, but a tear comes down. Next. Next game.

Nearby, though, the actual horse show is starting. You hear the sounds of the shepherd dog sheep trials ending. Someone puts a little medal on a dog and they get out of there as a literal pony show. I don't even understand why the medal's being given. Just thrilled.

As you start watching the show, give me a perception check. All of us? Yes. Oh, boy. I got a raw 19, but you know that's going to be good. I got a six. And I got a seven. No surprise. Brenda got a 25 the second that the ponies start coming onto the stage. So as the ponies are coming out,

despite

being transfixed by these ponies, you're looking deeply at this one Palomino horse that's just gorgeous, just trotting out almost in slow motion. But as you see it marching out into the little pen, something flies by in the background that, despite your focus on the horse, you see a thing dart through the sky that has kind of a weird trajectory, like it wasn't a bird. Wow.

I'd like to look further into that because if there's any sort of horse flies or something, that could be really uncomfortable for the horses. So I'd like to pursue it. Okay. You can run around to the other side of the pen and give another perception check, I guess. Okay. That time it's only a died. Okay. I'll tell you that this time you lost it. You can't figure out where it went, but it was like weirdly golden.

Something about this thing was shining in a way that it wasn't metallic. I mean, it wasn't metallic. Astrid, I just saw something flying that's the color of your wristband. What is it? I want it. Where is it? Can I do an investigation check to see if I can look for any clues about where it went or anything? Yeah, give me an investigation.

Ooh, baby. A 23. Okay, there we go. Okay, with an investigation check of 23, when you check the other side of the paddock or whatever it's called, you see that they're in the mud. There was briefly almost

Almost like bird, like when you see seagull prints in the sand, but they're like- Kind of like webbed. You look at it closer and they're not webbed, but they have joints in them that are a little like, I would say kind of like a Lego man or something. It doesn't look like an actual animal's joints. There's something not human was here. Mechanical.

I was thinking that. I mean, I am someone who really enjoys animals and rendering them with my rainbow gel quill. And my animal curiosity was not awoken by that. I really like machines, but I've never seen anything like this before. Oh, you don't actually see the item there. Well, you see the prints, right? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Well, I suppose Brenda Elizabeth wants to keep an eye out because she wants to make sure that the horses are still able to have a pleasant experience in this show. So, yeah, you're still on guard. You're looking around. But it's kind of hard to not focus on these beautiful horses as the show continues. As you're talking about the footprints, Raider and Bink and Bonk walk up. You're like, what are you guys...

investigating, what are you, little detectives over here playing detective? - Yeah, kinda. - I mean, yeah, why would playing detectives be lame? Playing detectives is just about the most fun thing. Not to mention all the TV shows that are the most popular are just people playing detectives. - Whatever, you know what's cooler than playing detective? - The Obelisk? - No. - Hi, Daddy.

Your daddy? Did you just say your daddy? I hold up my war hammer and step towards them intimidatingly. I stand next to Astrid and I say, yeah, you know what? Astrid's dad is cooler. Yeah, Astrid's daddy. What? Make a group intimidation check. I got a dirty 20. 14.

oh wait a second i have a minus one so that's a 12 okay overall not horrible uh raider is like oh uh wait so you wait you're are you astrid starborn yes obviously oh okay yeah whatever you're lucky that that that your dad is so rich because otherwise um

You know, he'd give me a hard time. You know what? I'm just going to... It's not luck. He worked really hard.

This kid is like two years younger than y'all. There's no reason for him to try to make fun of y'all. He's just like bored, uncomfortable. Raider, I gotta say, I feel like there's gotta be a better bully than you in this town, right? Or are you the town bully? There's kind of a power vacuum there, so I tried to claim it, and it's not going well. Yeah.

But as Raider is flailing to make fun of you, you hear this massive, all-encompassing horn blow. A insanely loud air horn, sort of like a fog horn, blasts through the town. People are literally covering their ears. Are the horses upset? Horses are running around in circles like crazy. It's coming from... Give me a perception check.

That's going to be a 12 for me. And a 10 for me. And an 8 for me. Okay. It's really, it's so loud that it's hard to tell what's happening, but it is so, it's also so loud that it's like kind of breaking your reality. Like you see other people looking and it is coming from the obelisk. Oh!

Well, the group has formed, and it's safe to say this Remembrance Day celebration has taken an interesting turn. Yeah, the obelisks are starting to make some strange noises. I think everyone's going to have to tune in next week to find out what surprises the obelisks has in store. Okay. It's safe to say as well that Turbine is extremely excited. Turbine, the obelisk made some weird noises, and so did Turbine. So did Turbine.

Thanks for listening. Don't forget to get all new episodes months early and hear the exclusive arc barks over on our Patreon. Zach Oyama was your Dungeon Master for this episode, and the characters were Emily Axford playing Brenda Elizabeth, Mike Trapp was Turbine Spizzles Inc., and Siobhan Thompson is Astrid Starborn. This episode was edited and produced by Zach Oyama and Jasper William Cartwright. Bye! Bye!