Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites, like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies, like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow.
Welcome back to the Rotating Heroes podcast. I'm Zach Oyama, and I'm here with Jasper William Cartwright. Hi, Jasper. It's me. Hi, everyone. Hi.
Here we go. Final episode of arc one. We're in the final throes. This is the final chunk of arc one. This is the beginning of episode five where we're getting a little bit of lore and we're getting into sort of the final confrontation of the arc. I love getting a little bit of lore. Like, lore dumps, absolutely my favorite.
absolutely my favorite yeah they're so great yeah do you know we actually came up with a really fun thing on uh well actually i say we came up with a really fun thing erica ishii came with a really fun thing on wrote on uh three black halflings which is called lore dumps which is basically where you share a fact about your past but the thing is no one's allowed to ask any follow-up questions and it's very fun
There you go. That's a little lore dump about another show that I do. Oh, okay. Yeah. So I think the first one I shared was there is a video online in which James McAvoy is getting interviewed and my crotch is very much in shot. But just my crotch. I have a lot of questions, but I cannot ask them. You cannot ask them. That's the way this works. That's the way this works. Huh.
Well, here's one. I was in the 1996 opening ceremony Olympics show for soccer that took place in Birmingham, Alabama. What? And I will not be taking any follow-up questions now. Take it away, past Zach. Crazy. 1996? And now presenting a rotating era...
Welcome back to the Rotating Heroes podcast. We're on Arc 1, Episode 5, the final episode of the Arc. We're joined, as always, so far, for the last time...
Except for the arc bark fight. Maybe, I don't know, in the future or something. Maybe some kind of reunion episode that comes later. You can just hang out like as friends. I could also see that phrase written on a little tea satchel, you know, where they put like inspirational quotes. As always, for now, for the last time. Once again, as always, so far, for the last time. Big curly font. Just like a koan that you're like, wow, yeah, so true.
-True. -Mistakes are poetry. -Meditate on the passage of time. -We're joined today by the politest trio that I can imagine. -Oh, gosh.
First off, Emily Axford. Hi, Zach. I just want to take this time to say thank you so much for having me on. It's been a thrill ride. It's been a roller coaster, but like a gentle one, you know, like one that's fun and not one that I get back pains from.
-Okay. Well, thank you so much. I didn't know-- Painted a picture of your experience with roller coasters. -I went on something called the head scrambler one time and I had a headache for like three days. -It's in the name. It's in the name. -I know. It was. Brain scrambler, maybe that's what it was called. -Also Siobhan Thompson. -Hi, Zach. Thank you so much for having me. It is a teacup both in terms of the ride and in terms of the thing that you drink.
tea out of uh just just an absolute soothing delight to be here the teak the soothing teacup ride i love it it's a teacup ride but you're not spinning it you're just kind of sitting in the teacup
Having a nice time with your friends. Totally. Sounds like maybe an outdoor seating. I don't know. Yes, you're just slowly promenading around the ride. That would be nice. Outdoor seating that just drifted around. Yes, that's a whole new thing. Like a rotating restaurant. Yes, great. Finally, Michael Trapp.
Zach, thank you so much. What? Oh, you're welcome. It's been like one of those Viking ship rides that like, you know, rock you, but in a very gentle way, like, I don't know, I guess kind of like a porch swing, but if it were a giant Viking ship. And I thank you for sharing that experience with us.
Oh, like the ride, the ones that- Oh, yeah. It's been a ride, but it's been very, you know, it's been gentle and fun. That's the ride that maybe has this slightly shorter line than the rest of the rides. Yeah. That ride scares the shit out of me. I hate the Viking. I do. Honestly, I hate those rides. I don't like it. It's just the drop feelings. It's like when I was a kid and out on those rides, I would go to the top and jump. You're crazy. Oh, my God.
-You just go into the shoulder straps and nothing really happens, but you really get weightless. -I only enjoyed an amusement park once in my life or the scary rides once. This is absolutely not. Let's just go on. -Ark Park, get out of it, Emily. Get into the-- -Get out of Ark Park mode. We're in the serious finale. -Get in the zone, Emily. -You know the series finale? This is the serious finale.
-You got long hair and blocked nostrils. -Right. Ah, yes. My ass-length hair. -Let's get into serious finale mode with a recap, shall we? -Yes. -We shall.
Thanks to Turbine's locate object, they followed the magical energy of a greasy rat tail clip to a Warforged lab of horrors filled with scrap tech, goop, and deadly Warforged monks. Twin in a tube sounds like a fun snack or something. It's like a sausage roll, but there's two sausages in there.
-Yes, it's like a pig in a blanket kind of thing. -Twins in a tube. -Twins in a tube, so you get two. -Or just a hot dog, two hot dogs in one bun. -Mom, can we do twins in a tube tonight? -Did you do your homework? -No. -We're thinking for the wedding that we might do like real cheap past hors d'oeuvres, just like little mini twins in a tube. -That's fun. That's really fun though. -It's kind of like kitschy. -Yes, kind of 70s. -Twins in a tube truck. -Yes.
We do artisanal twins in a tube. $12 for a twin in a tube? That's crazy. Yeah, but it's really good twins. All right. The monks were apparently in the middle of experimenting. No way out of that. I'm so sorry. No, no worries. It's fine.
The monks were apparently in the middle of experimenting on the job seekers who already lost out on the competition, and possibly Galfas. Though before they could cut into Noah, the now slightly dumber dwarf, our team got a surprise round on them and were able to dispatch two of the monks, but unfortunately the third monk was able to get away through a pneumatic tube. With the remaining job seekers now rescued, Brenda Elizabeth was reunited with Bonk and Galfas. Galfas
And that brings us to today. Okay.
So you guys are back in the lab, some of the dwarves have started mopping up the goop like "Ugh, this is disgusting." Just like kind of like taking care of their mind sort of. And then Traddix steps forward. He looks a little nervous, like he's been kind of stewing on something for a second. Okay, here's the problem. They know we're coming now, but I also know that he's underestimating all of you because you're a bunch of kids.
hindsight being 2020, I probably wouldn't have allowed a bunch of children to enter the competition, but as luck would have it, the children were the most powerful and skilled around. And you guys, you wouldn't have a bunch of children apply for a job. Yeah. Yeah. It made, I didn't really think it through. We can't work here. Yeah, no, no, I'm hearing that. I'm hearing that. It seems like a bad idea, but I have to say you rose to every challenge I put in your way. Um,
Yeah, the nice thing about kids is that we don't know what our limits are.
I mean, not all kids are like that. No, I know what everybody else's limits are, for example. Sure. Okay. My limits are limitless. I have Betty limits. Interesting. Wow. I mean, you all have spunk. He steps up to Turbine and he says, your love of the obelisk is so pure, yet you're also able to speak your mind in a place that I think in some ways could be intimidating for you. In fact, you all are able to do this.
When I arrived at the obelisk, I was extremely scared, and rightfully so. It's just time that I was fully honest with you all. He holds up a little projector that comes out of his watch. Is this story time? Because if so, I'm going to pass out juice boxes. Yes, it would be a good time to pass out juice boxes. I just think, I mean, give me hands. Hmm.
Everyone gets their juice boxes. I pull a beautiful folding stool out of my bag. I didn't bring enough for anybody else, but I did just bring one for myself. Yes, I always have it. Well, just to briefly explain, he holds up a little projector that shows a holographic image of a gnome tilling soil with a little boy gnome trying to hold an adult-sized tool next to him.
Yeah, look at those toys.
I loved him. I even tried to make some of my own. When I finished my chores, I'd go to the woods nearby and play with him. He changes slides and you see Tradix holding a horrible looking glued together pile of sticks that just looks like nothing. He holds it up and moves it across in front of his face going, oink, oink. Brenda Elizabeth for the first time in her life feels embarrassed for someone else. That's a good first effort.
He like keeps playing with it. He's watching the footage as he like plays with it some more, like running through the woods. And he looks up and he sees a little boy elf with glasses. And then one day I met my friend Barney.
I know how that goes.
I look pointedly at both Brenda Elizabeth and Astrid. Brenda Elizabeth. I'm just like reading a book. I'm not listening to the story and I'm definitely not making eye contact. Brenda Elizabeth makes sincere eye contact, nods, absolutely understanding. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, take it where you could get it when it's not one of your grandparents.
He looks kind of sad as he continues on with the story. So yeah, whenever I could, I'd sneak off into the woods and we'd play. And then what you know as the war for Amalai arrived and changed our boring farm forever, the hologram changes to depictions of fire and swords and explosions of arcane energy. We see Traddock's actions running away from it. And he says, in the blink of an eye...
my whole life was gone and you see him running through the woods away from the farm uh so i ran back to the only place that was safe that i possibly knew and uh you see him run into the woods where he and uh barney would play we see him just like running around scared uh he clutches his little toy soldier uh nearby bushes rustle and he looks even more terrified but barney runs out um
He grabs Stratix by the hand and runs to a nearby tree. Barney flips up a control panel on the tree and presses a few buttons and opens up like an elevator door that they are able to hop in and they rocket down below the surface. And that's the first time I saw it. The facilitator.
From the elevator window you look out and you see Tradix see for the first time the obelisk underground and it looks like, you know, when like they're building a space shuttle or like there's like all the scaffolding attached to the space shuttle so they can work on the outside. But it also looks basically complete.
As the elevator gets to the bottom, Barney rushes Tradix off into the obelisk and into the lobby that you were in earlier. Upon entering, you see another familiar face, an adult elf with a metallic tin beard. He looks extremely cold. His eyes dart from Barney to Tradix, and you see his face fill with a shock and then a rage.
As the ten Barnabas and Barney begin to argue, the ten Barnabas like waves his hand and a Modron picks up Tradix and whisks him off to a small side room. I wasn't allowed to see much of anything after that. I could only go into a few designated areas. Every now and then Barney would be able to stop by and say hello. But this went on for a few years until one of the strangest, most world-altering events we know of happened. The creation of...
of what you would know as the Endless Holt. We see Tradix playing with the Modron in a small dining area. The entire obelisk shakes violently and he falls over. Barnabas enters the area holding Barney up.
He swipes everything off the table and lies Barney down. He's clearly extremely hurt. The Tin Barnabas opens up Barney's shirt, revealing a small clockwork piece on his chest and some deep, horrible wounds. Modrons hover around and do diagnostic tests on him and trying to repair the damage, but it seems like he's really far gone. Barney holds his chest and then...
reaches out to Tradix and holds his hand. As Tradix approaches, he holds his friend's hand and then is forcefully pushed away by Barnabus. And as this happens, the light goes out of Barney's eyes. The Tin Barnabus looks distraught at this, and then he looks up, makes a couple of calculations in his head, seemingly, and leaves the room. And that was the last time I ever saw either of them. Tradix looks down in his hands and he holds a copper device that was in Barney's chest.
The hologram changes and Tradix is now a little older. But a while later, the facilitator suddenly began rumbling in an alarm broadcast. Warning, collision incoming, brace for impact, and all the doors suddenly open. We see the slightly older Tradix wander the halls of the imp...
Yeah.
And then he stops racing because it's moving really slow. Then he just kind of sits there. And then he comes back and he has a sandwich. And then it finally hits the mountains. And it hits with such a force that he goes flying. Everything goes flying. Shit breaks everywhere. Gadgets fizzle. Smoke billows out of pipes. Eventually a figure helps him up. He looks up and he sees bubbles. The brain in a jar with arms and legs. Coffee? Water? It says.
The adjacent room filled with robotic parts just has flown open and Tradix looks to the pieces on the floor. There's like arms and legs and even a metallic looking beard. He looks up from those broken pieces on the ground to the screen that says, what next Barnabas?
And that's the end of his presentation. He presses the button on his watch, the holograms go back in, and that's basically my story. He takes off his clockwork necklace that you recognize now to be the piece that was in Barney's chest, and he hands it to Turbine. I don't think the 10 Barnabas would see this coming. To wear it around your neck will help. It'll make certain things easier, but...
He pauses for a second. But to wear it like Barney did in your chest, that's the real power of it. But I have to warn you, it'll fundamentally change who you are. I was always too scared to take that step. So he gives it to Turbine.
Turbine has actually been screaming for about two, ever since the thing touched his hand, but it's been at such a pitch that's so high that no one can actually hear it. It's just been like an open mouth. Your mouth is so open and there's juice pouring out of it, but I don't hear anything. Mop and Eggman. Astra just has her hand out for her present, which obviously is coming next. Mop and Dazzle Raz are holding their ears.
Dazzleguys is running around. He doesn't have hands. Do you need me to guide both that into your chest? Put it in my chest. Yeah, just to be clear, this is... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to change me forever. I'll be a shadow of my former self. Put it in my chest. I'll be closer to the obelisk than ever. It'll also be okay if you don't do that. I just want to say... I won't be okay if I don't do that. It's okay to be fundamentally changed by your presence, Turbide. I took a vow of chastity for my horse.
I know. It really sucks that Dazzle Raz... Elizabeth, no, no, not at all. I'll have to talk with Dazzle Raz because I think that's kind of a weird thing to demand of you. But, you know, that's your choice to make and this is my choice to make. Like a TV horse, like Mr. Adler. I'm sure whatever changed this... Dazzle Raz, if you want to come stay at the hotel with me anytime, it's all...
There's always going to be a whole horse hotel that's attached to the hotel. You can just come stay anytime. Well, Astrid, if you decide to steal my present, it will work. Turvide's just like, he's maybe not like, he's like really talking fast, maybe not like really listening, but it is just this sort of like, it's a chance to be as close to the obelisk as anyone could ever have been. Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I take this chance? Okay. So what do you do?
Do I... Is there a clear way for it to, like... Not really. You saw that in the video, the guy had it in his chest. Can I... Can I do... This might be too gory. Can I do a medicine check and see if I can just perform surgery on myself? Oh, God. Oh, sure. And just...
Just have a weird, crazy jeweler's loop almost. I'm basically doing the same tinker shit I do when I'm taking machines apart, but I'm just doing it to my own body. So you're a biohacker now. Yeah, exactly. Wow. This is so sick. Can I give him the help action? Yes. I don't think Astrid knows anything about medicine, but I do think that she...
thinks that everything that she says is right. And also, if you see someone performing surgery on yourself, you're probably going to offer to help a little bit. My first roll was a total of 18. My second roll here is a total of 17. So I'll take that 18. So great. So Turbine, you take the clockwork necklace and you take it off the chain.
And you're able to kind of, yeah, if you want to describe it. Yeah, I take a moment just inspecting all the parts and seeing how they move and what's going on. It's like, oh, okay, yeah, I see. Oh, of course, yes, this fits the chest. And then I just reach into my pocket, pull out this sort of blade cutter scalpel and just without even warning anyone that it's going to happen, just cut into my own chest. No, it's cool, I got this.
I got this, guys. I got this. Just like break my own sternum. Oh, my God. Start asking Astrid and Brendan.
Brenda Elizabeth's just like, oh, can you hand me that screwdriver over there? Can you give me that? Can you clean that artery for me? That'd be great. I think Brenda Elizabeth's help action is just her just punching it into your chest as you do. I'm sorry, Astrid's help action. And as it hits you, as it combines with your chest, everyone looks over at Turbine as he just starts to kind of float around.
with this glowing copper looking energy. His eyes open and you see clockwork gears turning in his eyes. You see sort of spectral versions of those flying around him. Turbine, you're looking around and you are,
are seeing with sort of a copper sheen now. Everything you're seeing makes more sense than it did moments ago. And it doesn't feel like you're doing math or you have learned any specific new skills. Just something about it innately makes sense to you. It's not...
It just makes sense. Yeah, it's the old... Yeah, everything here makes sense. You start floating, and you also start feeling differently about things. Like, there's a bit of... I don't want to say it in a harsh or sad way, but the things that you were so excited about before...
maybe a little less exciting because you know how they work now. You feel the lore that you loved so much before that kind of gave you your powers. You feel that start to wane as this other thing happens and you feel that fully leave you. The puzzles have been solved.
All the puzzles have been solved. All the mountains have been climbed. All the mysteries have been revealed. Turbine, you're now a sorcerer of the clockwork soul. Yeah! Turbine, you look different. Are you still going to hang out with me? I am. I am going to hang out with you. And I'll let you hang out with me as well.
Everyone is just kind of like looking at Turbine. He's kind of has like a copper glow, like a tungsten bulb and then sort of fades. So he's not like just this crazy glowing creature. Now he almost looks more himself now. I've never noticed how weird the fabric of the universe looks. Have you guys ever noticed that before? No, I've never seen it before. Is it corduroy? Does it make a sound when you walk? Yeah. Does it, does it clash? Sorry. Did you say, is it corduroy? Yeah.
I always pictured that the fabric of the universe was corduroy, just a stiff corduroy like three of my eight grandparents wear. Turbine reaches out and touches the fabric of the universe and kind of goes like... I knew it. I knew it. I called it. Yeah. Yes, it's corduroy. Explains so much. Yes, that explains it entirely. Yes, it was corduroy. That's why it seemed so weird to me. Thank you, Brenda Elizabeth.
Wow. Bonk comes up to Brenna Elizabeth and is like, that was actually pretty smart. He spits up a little more goop. Bonk, thank you so much. I could only assume that you're coming here to begin what was going to be our inevitable courtship. Unfortunately, I have pledged myself to champion and dream of someday being just a woman in a harem of feral horsies. So...
Dazuras goes, only you can hear this in your head. What? No, no, no. Didn't ever ask this. Didn't ever ask this. We are bonded forever, but we have to communicate.
I know that you didn't ask for a harem. I say this back of my head. I know you didn't ask for a harem, but it just seems like a really nice life to be surrounded by horsies. Okay. I just, I think harem has some context. Can I say something? Can I say something here? It seems rude for Dazzle Raz to insist on a harem when Dazzle Raz also insisted that Brenda Elizabeth remained chaste. That's true.
That doesn't really sound fair. - I'm sorry, I maybe don't understand. I thought Harob just meant a group of people. - I think it- - I've virtually looked through my growing to maturity pamphlet.
harems, harems, harems. Astrid definitely has get a harem on her vision board for the future, and so she knows exactly what a harem is. Oh, God. Raider pipes up and is like, uh, well, um, so I don't know that this group of people that was in the goop is probably necessarily suited to keep going. I have some healing I could dole out to them. I have a bit of a, uh,
a bit of a good touch, if you will. Okay. I mean, they look beat up, but they don't necessarily, like, you can heal them if you want, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, I'll give out some heals to these people. I think I'd do it by painting their nails with highlighter and whiteout. Cool, so you guys take about 40 minutes to paint these nails. Yes, this is good.
They all have highlighter. They look really disgusting and dirty because of the goop that they were just in, but their nails look great. Oh, God.
Noah is like, this was what we were supposed to be doing, right? How is that skin looking underneath the goop? Does it look dewy and moisturized? It looks really moisturized. Astrid spreads goop on her face as a face mask. Sleepover. Brenda Elizabeth does the same. Tradix is like, hey, guys, it seems like we have to hurry up slightly more than this.
I'm with Tradix on this one. I know I maybe set this off by conducting surgery on myself. So that's on me. I'm going to admit that one's on me. I'll say that this counted as a short rest, the amount of time that you guys took here to do all these different, like, you know, between Galifest becoming Dazzle Raz and Trap becoming, or I mean, Turbine becoming Clockwork Soul Turbine.
But Raider's gonna pipe up again, and he's just gonna... So, you know, my mom is in charge of, like...
the efforts to dig back into the mine. So she kind of taught me how to do a lot of this stuff. So I feel like I know how to follow the tubes back to at least the bottom of the obelisk and we could probably get out. I could be in charge of that part of it if you guys are, I don't know, going further. That works for me. Can I clarify, Tranix, what needs our attention right now? So you guess we are the elite team here.
Oh, God. Well, to be honest, I don't know exactly what needs our attention. And I think from what I understand, the 10 Barnabas is further into the mine, probably within that city. Hmm.
And he said that things were too far along, so we probably should get on it. So there's something that the Tid Bartabas is deep into the Bide and we're trying to find him and stop whatever he's trying to make happen. I stamp on the floor more to see if I can create like an echo location for this Tid. Mop is like holding his head a little bit and he's like, um, hey guys, uh, actually, um,
So, like, you know, they stopped before they, like, reprogrammed me and stuff, I guess. But I still, like, kind of feel connected to them. And so, like, I feel like a spiritual connection, not like I have to, like, follow in any religious zealot thing. So, like, I can kind of feel him over here. And he points to the pneumatic tube that that guy escaped through, the Warforged gang. So we could, you know, maybe go this way. Okay.
Okay.
Oh, cool. So if anybody wants to get a little more juice going, we can use that. Whoever needs it. I feel fully juiced after my procedure. I don't think I need more juice. I'm strong and full health. I mean, I currently have only three first level spells back, but I can spam Kaleidoscope.
Get in the pod. Get in the pod. Get in the pod, Brenda Elizabeth. I...
I wrestle Brand Elizabeth into the pod. I have eight grandparents, so taking a nap while everyone watches me is no new experience. I fall asleep immediately, completely content with all eyes on me. So you guys spend another 20 or so minutes watching Brand Elizabeth in the pod. I use some of the highlighter to put highlights in my hair.
I have a really creepy wheezing snore. It sounds like an old man snore. Does she need a CPAP machine or something? Should we be concerned about this? Probably should get some kind of, I don't know, yes. Turbine, you should probably get on that at some point. I start building a CPAP machine.
So, Britta Elizabeth has the benefits of a long rest. Wow, yes. So, you have your spells back, all that kind of stuff. Cool. As you guys are kind of plotting what to do, Mop is leaning over at that pneumatic tomb. He's like, I'm pretty sure we could just, like, go right into this. And he leans a little too far in, and he gets sucked into it.
Oh, shit. Mop. We tubing? All right. I mount Dazzle Raz and try to jump in. So it's kind of small, but Dazzle Raz goes, I'm pretty confident I can get in there. Squeezes his horse body into his tooth.
It's like stuffing a sleeping bag in a stuff sack. It's just like, it's a little bit too big. Limbs coming out. It's like kicking out. Everyone's like, be careful, be careful. All the doors are like, I don't know if you should go in there. Maybe you shouldn't be riding him while he's in there. Turbine also just sort of
floats over to... I don't know if Turbine actually... I just imagine him hovering like half an inch above the ground now and doesn't do anything. It's just very, very... Turbine's walking on his tiptoes. I'm floating.
Guys, you see this? I'm like a half an inch taller. I'm floating. Grab described this to me on a text thread when we were trying to figure out what this new turbine was. And yeah, I like to think of him as like now like a Dr. Manhattan type, but he's also like a little kid pretending to be Dr. Manhattan. I feel relieved he still wants to be friends with me. That is the way the world should be. We will be friends. It's not even my choice. Whoop, into the tunnel. Sorry.
Astrid, you go in? Yeah, I'm gonna jump headfirst like I am jumping down a water slide. I don't know if I can grab some kind of sheet or something to act as a board. I don't know if anybody has... You find a piece of sheet metal on the ground that you jump on. Perfect. And you pick up speed. You're hitting Tradix in the butt a little bit. Great. Go fast, you tiny idiot! He's going a lot faster.
All right.
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Don't you know about aerodynamics? You're flying around this tube. It's like twisting and turning. It's clear, too. So you can see out like it's really dark, though, because you're underground. So you're it's just you're you're flying through darkness every now and then, though, you hit a spot that is lighting up. It's like surprisingly bright and you're going past it pretty fast. But you see that they're like opals and little other gems within the rock that are magically sort of glowing as you go by them. So it's sort of like you get flashes of light as you're going by it.
Since I'm on Razzle Dazz, I have a free hand to doodle away, and this is prime. I'd love to get one of those crystals or gems into my quill.
-Yes, I'm really thinking about putting one of these tube systems into the hotel. -You probably have it. It's called a garbage chute, right? -Wow, I never thought of it like this. -This is what every garbage chute looks like on the inside. -It's so clean in here. -My mind is completely blown. -There's also dumb waiters too. -Yes.
-More like smart waiters, am I right? -You are right. -Yes, you keep flying through these dudes. -Can I do a check to see if I know anything about these gems, if they're just decorative or-- -Yes, you can all do that. -Yes. -Astrid, you can do it with advantage, but everyone can do it. You can make an investigation or history or-- -While we do this, can I just get something off my chest that I just realized? I don't have action surge.
You don't get that until second level as a fighter. I was looking through to be like, oh, I wonder if action surge comes back from a short rest. And then I was like, hmm, where's action surge? I'm like...
Oh my god. So I'm really sorry. Wow, you cheater. You're cheating in the game that we're playing. In all fairness, my action surge did jack shit last time. Yes. Yeah, you literally didn't do anything with it. It's also a complicated character. I got a 19 for my history slash investigation. And I'm a 17 for my history. And I am...
- So what you know from flying through these tubes, I mean, it's kind of hard to grasp because it's like you're literally on a roller coaster ride and trying to think about history. - Brother, history is a roller coaster ride through the mind, you know? - The cool teacher is here. - Hey, listen. - Turbine got cooler and so much more lame at the same time. - Every time he speaks, I'm afraid he'll become too cool for me. - You would know that like,
Before the mines were completely like lost to this obelisk, the Bonbur Mountains were filled with these opals and things that were one of the main sources of the industry for the dwarves that lived in the Bonbur Mountains in Bermere. Not all of them glow, but like the mines themselves have a lot of things. Like there's a lot of precious metals. There's, you know, a lot of ore there. But then what makes this...
I think probably one of the most notable points of this mountain range is that these opals do glow, and that's where the underground city gets a lot of its light from. So yeah, that's what you would know from the history checks. You're finally spit out to the edge of this large cavern.
It's as big as that original cavern entrance you were in to the mines themselves. And that's where you see it. You are at the edge of the lost city of Vermeer. You can make some more perception checks if you'd like. Sure. But the whole city looks... Do we see Mop? Mop is just standing there right in front of you. I got a 21. And I got an 8 on perception. Actually, I did pretty well. You just go with Astrid's 21. Cool.
So like, yeah, pretty, pretty noticeable right away is that you're on the outer edges of the city. It's got like, it's about the size of Aberdeen. It's not huge by any means. And you are in the area that would be more of like where the, the trade and stuff would happen. It's a little outside of the keeps walls, which you see a little further in, like the, the rock here is all hewn into like very specific, like grid, like paths. There's like a very rectangular and square shaped little,
homes and shops and stuff around you. You see these geometric looking rectangular stone lamps with some of the little opals in them. With those higher perception checks, you see that all of them, or a lot of them, seem to be kind of scratched and ripped in very specific lines along them, and it
And it almost looks like something was ripped out of them. So like something more ornate about the like design of them was kind of ripped out of it. Considering how like geometric everything is, these lines now look really decayed and like fractured. And a few of them are fully busted. A couple of them are like broken in half. Some are broken in half with more of a like, I would say like a sharper looking break. That's what you would notice, I think, on those. And also on that check, you see like
a few Warforged soldiers slowly walking in deeper towards what you see as the center of the city, the Keep. And Astrid, you would know this just because of literally the painting in your family's hotel. Cool. The Keep is in the center of the city and you can see the walls of it. You can't see over it yet.
But you know that there is the opal of Burmere in the center of it, the largest opal there is, that has sort of a, like, moonlight glow in the painting in your family's hotel. It's very red right now. Oh. You can't really see into it, but you can see the red light from it. Well, that's not normal, right? It's...
It's not like, it's like a mood ring situation or is somebody doing weird magic on that opal? That is not good. I think I know mood jewelry. I point to like five different mood rings I'm wearing. Wow, there's a lot on your toes as well.
-That's really clunky. -You have 10 toes and I'm telling you that's more than-- There's room for more than 10 toe rigs. -Mop is like, "Can I get one of those?" -Absolutely. I hold up my foot like a dainty woman's hand. -Do I have to rip them off? Is that the price I have to pay? -Mop takes a toe ring off and puts it on his toe. Pretty cool.
I feel like we witnessed something really special here today. I whisper to Astrid, I don't know much about this, but are we buried now? You just let an adult man take a ring off your foot. Dazzle Raz, are you okay with this? Are you okay? Does this violate the thing you made Brenda Elizabeth, the chastity thing? Oh no. I think it's okay, but... Have I forsaken my vow? No.
This conversation made me inhale deeply. I was surprised and a hair went down my throat. Brenda Elizabeth stills herself, replaces the stirrup pant from her legging back onto her foot, and retreats to the fridge.
Dazzleraz says to Brenda Elizabeth, they can't understand what I'm saying, but I can understand them. And would you tell him that that is not what I said? Dazzleraz, I understand that you have something going on right now, but I think I just got married. Look. That's not what I'm saying. He's like flustered and he's like...
Wow, Dazzleraz seems really upset. You guys also hear like a, and you see Tradix fly out of the tunnel behind you guys. It hits the ground pretty hard. Okay, I'm here too. Probably.
Probably not going to be that much help in sort of the fighting situations, but I am here. It is as it should be. Maybe you could put me in one of the bags on that horse. Are we going to sneak with this very visible horse towards where the giant opal is? Since you mentioned Dazzle Raz's saddlebags, he does have saddlebags as many as I have wristwatches. But yes, let's sneak towards the opal. Okay.
I also agree we should sneak towards the oval, and I also think that Dazzle Raz's saddlebag sounds also like a twin-to-tube situation. It sounds like the cafe that we own that has a pen of feral horses. Are we eating the horses? Is that what's going on? It's very confusing branding.
- No, it's like the food you would find in Dazzle Razzle Saddlebags. - Just a bunch of oats. - That's definitely a restaurant name I get wrong 90% of the time. - Yes. - Razzle Dazzle's Battle Sands? - Razzle Razzle's Razzle's Razzle's. - Ew! - That to me sounds like, okay, I'm not gonna eat that. - Did you ever get the apple snack at Dazzle Razzle's Saddlebags? The apple snack at Dazzle Razzle's Saddlebags is very good.
As a married woman, I have to say it's time that we get on track, folks. We're not married. I just got to throw that out there. We're not married. I'm a robot man now. You're an adult robot man and that's a child bride. What is the not creepy thing to say right now? Tell me what that is.
I think I'm kind of too far gone, man. You just shouldn't have married her, I think is the situation. When you find yourself in a hole, you got to stop digging. Mop takes off the mood ring and throws it as far away as he can. Wow. Okay, well, now I think we know what mood he's in. What if a mood ring gave that to me? I'm sorry. I'll get you a new one. No, I won't. I'm not going to do that. Okay.
Astrid, what does it mean if he's buying me rings? So how do you guys continue to approach the city or the keep's walls? It seems pretty deserted in the outer edges. Okay. All right. What you can tell is that there's more going on in the keep. All right, let's slink, I guess. Yeah, slink wherever it's shadowy, if we can try to tip to our way through. Would you like if I passed...
If I passed cast without trace. Did someone pass cast here? Yeah, I passed cast. Jesus. I can smell it. It smells like trace in here. It reeks of Dazzleraz's saddlebag. What does Brenda Elizabeth's pass without trace look like?
I give us all super Brenda Elizabeth adjacent makeovers, so everyone's got glitter, sparkles, so many sparkles on them that it actually deflects light. Wow. It's like camo, but it's bright pink. Yeah. Like very 19th Spice Girls.
It's a look that's so humiliating, people can't help but look away from you. It's so humiliating, no one wants to make eye contact with you. Everybody looks like they have Elmer's glue with sparkles on it. It's really embarrassing. None of you can even look at each other. Now people will avoid eye contact just like we want. So you guys continue to sneak forward closer to the keep itself.
You get closer towards the main entrance of the keep.
and you notice that there are higher up walls around it with one big drawbridge-y entrance. And looking forward, you see hundreds of Warforged bots gathered. And it looks just sort of like a crowd at first, but as you look closer, they're lined up really orderly, and they all seem like they're plugged into wires. And the stragglers that you saw coming up are plugging themselves in and sitting down.
It feels military. Or like an old school assembly. It feels like a cross between an old... Yeah, like they're all like in an assembly for sure. Military in that they, yeah, are definitely war forged fighting robots that you saw earlier. Like they all look like the ones that you saw before. Where's their attention? Are they just sort of like milling about or is it like...
all eyes are on one specific spot or something. So as you walk up, you see that they're looking at something in front of me. Kind of can't see it's a little obscured because what they're looking at is raised up and you're looking through a straight entrance. There's like steps up to get on top of the, like keep walls if you'd like, or you could go straight into there. But, um, there's, there's a way to get an advantage point if you're trying to see better.
Can we send Mop in there? Because he's a wolf orc. Yeah, or whoever has the best stealth, maybe. Is there any place we can climb up from where we are and get a bird's eye view? Yeah, that's what I... Oh, sorry, that was unclear. The keep wall within the entrance, there's some steps up to get on top of the wall and be over this crowd. Oh, yeah, let's do that. I think we could all do that, right? Because we're all pretty stealthy right now. Right, how good is that horse at climbing? Dazzle Razz could do anything. Yeah.
Every time we stealth with this horse, I imagine a cartoon horse tiptoeing on homes. It's like such a quiet lack of horsehood.
These are like the battlements. So it's like they're designed to have a lot of people on them. You're able to go up these steps pretty much no problem. Everyone is scared they're going to get kicked in the face by Dazzlerise a little bit, but outside of that, you're able to get up there. So you get up onto the battlements and you are able to see what they are all looking at. They're all pointed facing...
the great hall of Burdum, which was sort of like, you know, has the throne room, et cetera. Like that's where the place was ruled from on top of it is the opal of Burmere, but there's a lot of scaffolding around it and sitting basically just wrapped around the opal itself is a giant war forged body. It's, it looks like it's metal is it's like, it's a metal body, but it's,
seemingly like melted down. It's got swirls of like gold and silver, just sort of like they just recently forged this. - And it's for, is the opal as if it's the heart or the navel of the warforged or is the warforged just protecting the? - Yeah, when you say wrapped around, is it like, is it built around or is it like wrapping limbs around? - Yeah. - It's built around. So it's like, this is a part of its body now. - Okay. - And it is glowing, it's starting to glow red.
And all of these smaller Warforged are plugged into something. You see all these wires going up to it. And the wires end at a control panel on the top of the Great Hall that has a familiar face or a familiar figure. A familiar brain? A...
Son of a gun, that tiny little robot. It's Bubbles. It's Bubbles. You see Bubbles like clicking and clacking and pressing a bunch of buttons up there, working on something. Okay. Never trust a brain. Never trust a servant to do a business job. How do we want to approach this? I almost kind of wish that we could just take a safe enough distance and secretly slice all of these wires. You know, like a point where the wires are, where he can't,
see us, where the brain can't see us, but they're still close enough together that we could just slice all the wires. Yeah, does Bubbles have good cable organization? Is there a place where all the wires are bundled together that we can just slice through? That's a really good question. Please, Zach, detail Bubbles' corner. So,
Bubbles is an expert of cable management. So, yeah, maybe, Turbine, make a Tinkerers or a Tinkerers check if you still have that. If not, I'll let you use like a Charisma or Persuasion just because that's how your knowledge of this world is kind of manifesting now. Sure. I don't know if I do still have the Tinker check because I think that was like tied to...
Honestly, I kind of lost track of things, but I don't see it anywhere immediately evident on my... I have a tinker still. You lost track of things when I made you change classes? Yeah, a little bit. Wow, okay. All right.
I have Tinker's tools. Know your character that you got two seconds ago. I know. What check should I do? I think it makes sense to use Charisma for this. And I think if you wanted to use Persuasion, I think that would be fine. And Tradix can help you if you'd like. Sure. I'll do a Persuasion check with advantage. Is that what we're doing? Yes. Cool. That is an 18 and...
A 16. So let's do that 18. It's kind of a trade-off. You're looking at all these cords. They're going to the front of the Great Hall and climbing up to the top of it. From where you guys are, you're on the keep wall. You can go around and get on top of the roof, no problem. You could just walk to the side and have immediate access to that. But if you go back down in there and try to cut the cords on these guys, if you're trying to cut the cord, you know, it feels like...
The only reason that these guys are dormant is because they're plugged in. Does anyone have any spells that they would like to try to understand this or anything like that? Oh, let me see if I have any that would help me understand. I mean, I could do an augury to be like, is it good if we cut these cords? Yeah.
Well, for free, I would give you that. If you cut the cords, they'll just wake up and you'll have to fight hundreds of robots. Okay, everybody, let's not cut the cords. What is our path to the control panel where Bubbles is right now? So the control panel and the bot itself are on top of the Great Hall. So the Great Hall has this, like, big flat roof as well. There's a couple of, like, spires in it in front of the, like,
He's basically just on a computer in the crotch of the giant robot. Since you're on the battlements of this place, like the battlements like actually go to the side and around it, but connect like there's like a little bit of a bridge to that area on top. It's like basically the size. It's basically the size of two soccer fields with that's like,
like in front of the robot, the giant robot on the, on the roof of the building is a huge area. That's how large the giant robot is. It's gargantuan in size. Could be as big as like 40 feet tall. Wow. So yeah, so there's this giant creature there, but like,
there's probably about 100 feet in front of him on top of that building. And there's no dwarves anywhere. It's just robots, and it's just bubbles. If you look closer at some of the Warforged robots, you can see that since the process to make them Warforged sort of emulates the form that they had, a good chunk of them are- So they're Dwarforged. Dwarforged. I mean, I'm mad about it, but nice. Yeah.
- Well, I think we should we just try to creep up on bubbles here? - I think let's do that. As we get close, I think I am going to activate my dragon mode giving me advantage on concentration checks. So I put on my little dragon costume and I'm going to cast summon beast and I'm going to summon another horse.
Wait, hold on, Brenda Elizabeth. Why? How is that horse gonna ride your other horse? If only there was some product. I found specifically a horse that knows how to ride side saddle. We need some kind of saddle, like a saddle for horses to ride other horses. So you're gonna stack the horses across each other. It's like a Jenga tower. Yes.
You wished to be reunited, right? It looks exactly like... Dazzle Razz is like, this looks just like my father, but I don't know that he's in there. Oh, but sometimes maybe it's just nice to see him. It is. They like Nuzzle. Okay. Okay.
I'm ready now. He munches on his back and he gets kind of mad. They play like horses. Is there anything else anyone wants to do before you get closer? No, I just hit things. I'm looking at the corduroy of the universe and it sure seems like things are going to go down pretty hard, pretty fast here. So I'm going to just go all out here. Can I...
twin spell haste on both brenda elizabeth and astrid yes i love hey whoa
Yeah. Cool. Okay. How does Turbine do this? Yeah, so just like, so I sort of like just, this is a little bit of just sort of backstory, but I imagine like the way Turbine's personality manifests in this new version is like if he was this like just hyper geek before, this is like hitting the nth level of geek where it's not even like excited about learning stuff. It's just like, oh, I know everything now and I'm so excited to mansplain it to everyone.
That's your subclass mansplainer? Mansplaining. It's just my turn. I'm being like, it's like, you know, Astrid, I saw your form back there. And I think if you could, if you just straightened up a little bit, it was just like, so it's going on for a long time. I killed him. Ow.
Ow. Okay. I do deserve that, but I think that, ow. Concentration breaks on the spell. You both do not have taste anymore and in fact are exhausted. You have a level of exhaustion. But yeah, I think Turbine is just sort of like, it's like he sees the way the universe should be. And so it's just like, it's like, oh wait, of course, if you, if this is like this, if this is like this, I am like almost like a chiropractor too, just like cracking people's backs. And you're like, oh yeah, if you do this, there, everything's adjusted. Everything's as it should be. And.
And just so you have that, and so you know what's going on here, that is, until the spell ends, your speed is doubled, you get plus two bonus to AC, you have advantage on dexterity saving throws, and you get an additional action on each of your turns. That action can only be used to take the attack, dash, disengage, hide, or use an object action. When the spell ends, you can't move or take actions until after your next turn. You get a sugar crash. Bzzz!
Pretty good. Turbide, you really are still my friend. I'm just looking out for everyone. I just want things to be as they should be. Would you consider being hired to cast this on me all the time?
Astrid humming with energy. - She's so cokie right now. Just like, I just have all of these ideas and I just, I really think we can get them through. - Astrid, you don't even have to hire me. I'll do it for free. I don't want an employment relationship to affect our friend relationship. - Yes, yes, yes, I grabbed her by the shoulder, yes!
Eyes watering. Nostrils so flared. While I have your enthusiasm, can I just re-pitch the saddles for dolphins? Oh my god. I'll talk to my father about it. I'll talk to my father about it. I think that it has something there. Tranex and Mop are both like, it still sounds pretty bad. Yeah.
Yeah, that's because you're not hasted, you goofs. I lean to Tradix across the room and just fucking fully throw him. Tradix pings in the sky like Super Smash Bros. Do you guys go around and approach the roof? I very quickly sneak.
I just realized that if I summon the beast that will dismiss Pass Without Trace. Do you guys still want Pass Without Trace? Yeah, I think Pass Without Trace is maybe more useful than a horse right now. But it's up to you. We'll hold off on the horse then. Okay, so you did not cast the horse. I guess not. No.
I'm going to say maybe we actually have the horse. All right. We did. It already happened. We're passing with Trace. Sorry, everyone. We are passing with Trace. You've got to get your priorities in order and that grandpa was as much for a point.
in front of hundreds of robots. We went from being so sneaky to appearing suddenly with two horses stacked on top of me. No one look this way. Look, I just got married and hasted. My life is really confusing right now. Not
Not married. Not married. Wow, okay. So you guys walk around the outer rim of the fortress walls, and as you approach the great hall on the side where it's sort of connected, you get a little closer, and you hear a very creepy voice say, Coffee? Water? Yes.
water coffee and bubbles aka the tinned barnabas turns around from his control panel he's you guys are still like 200 feet away from you and he just knew you were there he turns around just his upper torso just turns his legs are still facing the computer panel
And he just looks at you and waves, and he says, "The doors of this city clearly had much pride in their home. While extremely primitive to us, their constructions are well built. But the most valuable asset here, by a mile, is this." And he points to the opal of Burmere. "Jewels of this size and with these magical properties are exceptionally rare, and work extremely well as a conduit. A spell focus of sorts. The Barnabas have always collected data and pursued higher knowledge.
from our world and then eventually others. Another world that we found showed us the true order of things. The multiverse is governed by a series of laws. These laws govern everything around us. There is no good or bad or morality.
The illusion of choice is not optimized, and that is what the Gilded believe. The Warforged dormant below you still somehow echo this sentiment. They just say, "The Gilded. The Gilded. The Gilded." Bubbles sort of like, kind of nods at them. "I don't like that, no." "I mean, if I were in your position, I would start a children's choir as well." "Yeah." "But that is why, uh, since no one really listens to me, that's why we have to bring the Prime One here."
And he motions to the gargantuan warforged body behind him.
No, this is wrong. This isn't how this should be. If I know something, it's the obelisk. None of this should be right. This is all fucked, guys. I agree. This is asterisk. This is a perversion.
perversion of everything that the obelisk should be. I don't like this one bit. You're essentially trying to tear the corduroy of the universe to get your own god in here. Yeah, why don't you consider what the fans want from the obelisk? Yeah. The fans wanted a museum. At least my grandparents did. Yeah. Yeah.
Who cares about old people? I do. Wow. I care nothing more. The old people are the glowing gems of our society. You value this opal for its age and yet not my grandparents? The hypocrisy. The hypocrisy. My daddy's the oldest person I know and he's perfect. Ha ha ha.
Bubbles presses a button and you hear something stepping and stepping and stepping and around from the side of the God walker.
It's almost like a mini version of the God Walker. A demi God Walker. A little chunkier. Yeah, a demi God Walker. A demi is only half. It's a huge construct. It has the same sort of swirling metal on it as the God Walker itself. It walks around and sits right in front of Bubbles.
He climbs up onto it and plugs himself into this machine and its eyes go red. It holds up its arms and one of them is an axe and one of them is a big cudgel. And it looks at you guys. What do you guys do?
Thanks for listening. Don't forget to get all new episodes months early and hear the exclusive arc barks over on our Patreon. Zach Oyama was your Dungeon Master for this episode, and the characters were Emily Axford playing Brenda Elizabeth, Mike Trapp was Turbine Spizzles Inc, and Siobhan Thompson is Astrid Starborn. This episode was edited and produced by Zach Oyama and Jasper William Cartwright. Bye! Bye!