My Spiritual Finger Is Wagging
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This message is brought to you by McDonald's. Did you know only 7.3% of American fashion designers are Black? Well, McDonald's 2024 Change Leaders Program is ready to change the face of fashion. The innovative program awards a monetary grant to five emerging Black American designers and pairs each with an industry professional to help them elevate their brands.

I know specifically and distinctly how McDonald's can support and empower not just black Gen Z, but black people. My first job was McDonald's. I learned a lot there about customer service and how to relate to people. I still love that place and go there very often. Look out for the change of fashion designers and mentors.

at events like the BET Awards and the Essence Festival of Culture. And follow the journey of the 2024 McDonald's Change Leaders on their Instagram page, WeAreGolden.

Here's an HIV pill dilemma for you. Picture the scene. There's a rooftop sunset with fairy lights and you're vibing with friends. You remember you've got to take your HIV pill. Important, yes, but the fun moment is gone. Did you know there's a long-acting treatment option available? So catch the sunset and keep the party going. Visit pillfreehiv.com today to learn more. Brought to you by Veve Healthcare. ♪

Ladies, ladies, ladies, happy 2024. Welcome to the future. Here we are. I'm Sam Sanders. I'm Saeed Jones. And I'm Zach Stafford. And you are listening to Vibe Check 2024. Vibe Check 2024

Listeners, we have taped this in advance, but you are hearing it in January of the new year. Hope your holidays were festive, wonderful, and bright, or at least a fun mess. Ooh, that's fun too. Yeah, a fun mess, you know? Yeah, a fun mess. Yeah. In the spirit of a new year and starting this new year off right, we are giving y'all this episode a very special mailbag advice app. Okay.

Unsolicited many times, listeners just ask us for advice. That's true. In the inbox, we read all these questions, and every now and then, we take those questions and try to answer them. So we're going to try that today. We've saved up some good ones. Yes. Can I ask something that I've never asked y'all before? I know people come to us for advice, but are there people in your life that you go to advice for? My Aunt Betty. Your Aunt Betty? I could have guessed that. She has this clarity of vision.

where like i'll talk to her about a problem for like 45 minutes and then she'll be like what about boop and you're like oh yeah yeah there's you know there's a wisdom that you really don't get to acquire about life until you've like passed 50 sorry that's true the older folks in my life have that wisdom that's true i love that yeah i mean i guess it depends i go to i think many people depending on what it is i mean you know

the writer's life, making sense of decisions and opportunities. I'm always talking with my friend Isaac and he's, you know, asking me a lot of back and forth. I have my aunt Janet to get that, that wisdom about life stuff and the big picture. Absolutely. What about you? I love that. I,

Weirdly enough, also go to an aunt, my aunt Yvette, that I talk to a lot. She's great. It's nice to talk to her because she lives in the South. She is over 50 and she has no filter. So it's good to just like throw something out and she just responds really fast. So that's great. But my sister's my person. I could probably go to her.

more than anyone. And we love her. Yes, she's great. Just a jewel. Love you, Monet. Well, also, I should be clear here. I go to y'all for advice. All the time. Actually, our group chat is the advice. I do think that, you know, the trick is, yeah, to have many people in your lives. And I think of it as

collaborative. My Aunt Janet comes to me for advice and I'm always so honored. Because to me, I'm like, well, I don't want it to feel extractive. I don't want you to feel like, oh, Saeed's calling again because he's come to the fountain. But no, that it's like, we live in dialogue. Yeah, and like in the dialogue. And I'll share this before we get into the questions. But

Something that I either read somewhere or someone told me changed the way and made better the way in which I accepted vice. And they basically told me there are three types of conversations between two people. One, I'm talking to you and I want to dump all my shit and have you hear it and affirm my experience. Two, vice versa. Or three, we're an actual exchange. And I'm coming to you for X, Y, Z advice or whatever. And I think a lot of times...

When people say they want advice what they really want is a chance to dump out other emotions Yes and just say it out loud someone who says I hear you and making the distinction between an I hear you conversation and a here's advice conversation Makes the advice guy Yeah, I love that so much because I have to do that a lot with Craig where he'll come to me with something and I'll begin He'll say a lot at me. Yeah, I'll say what do you want for me right? Do you want me to give you my thoughts how I would move through this? Do you just want to keep going?

complaining. Give me some direction here. And I'm here to do all of that for you. But what do you need out of this? Because some people, you give advice to people who don't want advice. They don't want it. And it's like, I've been working on asking how can I invest? Because

advice or strategizing or, oh my God, this reminds... It's kind of like a love language. It's often how I'm expressing my investment in the other person's well-being. But...

If someone's not looking for advice, if they really just... And it's fair. I don't think it's necessarily selfish or narcissistic to just want to dump all the bullshit. It's like sometimes that's what it's for. But you want some sense of being on the same page about those expectations. Yeah. And what I have to do a lot when I do give advice...

It's like, if I feel my spiritual, emotional fingers start to wag, stop. If it's more like a, well, here's what you ought to do, stop. You're such an auntie. Stop. That's my advice philosophy. Ah.

I'm glad you kind of set us up there because the people that wrote in to us are asking for very clear advice. So they have questions that they want answers to. We are answering them. And we're ready for it. And we know what they want from us and we're going to try to give it to them today. Yeah. Well, before we get into these questions, we want to thank all of you for sending us fan mail, for sending us questions for this episode, for example, reaching out on social media. We love it. Keep it coming at vibecheckatstitcher.com. Alright.

All right, girls, welcome to the future 2024. Ready or not, here I come. Let's get into it, shall we? We're going to advise you. There we go. All right, to get us started, we have a question from Leo. Leo writes, I have a crush on a coworker. I'm not going to do anything about it. We work closely together on the same team and saying anything to them about my newfound feelings could invite an awkward dynamic that makes it more difficult to do the work that we both care deeply about.

I think the crush is coming from a good place. I really admire the way my crush thinks about the world and cares for people. They're great at their job and fun to be around. And yes, I think they're hot. We've been spending more time together recently outside of work as friends. We'll get meals together or spend time in the park. And we've been sharing more about our personal lives with each other. I like the way they genuinely care about me and ask how I'm doing emotionally with things that had been difficult last year.

We're both leaning into this friendship more, and regardless of the crush, I really want this to be a friendship that lasts. When I was younger, crushes were painful and humiliating. I rarely acted on them because the only thing more embarrassing than liking someone is having them know you like them. Ugh.

But I want to have a different relationship with the crushes now. I want to feel less ashamed, and I believe it's possible to enjoy having a crush. It brings good energy into my days. I like having an excuse to look cute, and I love the way I feel giddy after we spend time together. So, my question is whether it's possible to nurture a work crush without crossing professional boundaries. Am I playing with fire? Yes, you're playing with fire, but sometimes fire keeps you warm. Ooh. That came quick. That came fast. That came real fast.

Quick friend. Go on. Keep going. Okay. This is the thing. It's like, you know, make a decision whether you move into this or not. But the feeling of giddiness and the feeling of that crush and the playing with fire of it all.

That's just the feeling that happens with every crush and you get to enjoy that. Like the butterflies in your stomach can be exciting just for you and that's okay. So I wouldn't guilt myself for the crushy feelings. I would enjoy the crushy feelings because they can sometimes be enjoyable. That's my first comment. And then I have some follow-up questions. This writer Lee doesn't say their relationship status.

This writer, Lee, does not say. I don't know. I feel like they would have. But Lee also doesn't say if the person they have a crush on is into what they are. Oh, that's a good point. Like, I don't know the gender sexuality persuasion around here. But that's a fair point. So, like, those are my follow-up questions. That said, I think that in general, with people you feel comfortable with, honesty is the best policy. Think about how you say it. But they're at work.

I would say two things. I would say first, I'd be like, I like this friendship, but I want to acknowledge that I have some romantic feelings. I think I want to keep them at bay because we work together. If the other person wants to pursue it further, once it's a relationship, they must tell HR. Yeah. If they're on the same team, go to HR because what you don't want to breed is envy and resentment from other coworkers about someone getting special treatment. But I don't know. I think at first glance with this letter, I would say like, y'all are already pretty cool. I think they probably have a crush on you too. So,

Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it's different. Say it's different. Exhaling. I am exhaling and taking a breath. Because we're in the future now. We are. In the future, we take a breath. We take a moment. Bitch, don't do it. Really? Okay. Don't do it. I'm going to reach into my past. Oh, yes. Was there a BuzzFeed lover? No. Oh, I don't know. Coworker. Your face. Say it. Your face.

Clutching his pearls. There was a time when I was an executive editor managing a team of about 30 people with different levels. So, no, not a lover bitch in the HR department is what I was trying to say. Oh, my God.

But I will say, this is where it's coming from, and it is relevant. I'm pretty strict with this. For six years, I was in a newsroom full of young people doing cool stuff. I was an LGBT editor before I was a cultural editor, which is to say, we were often talking about and assigning and reporting on work about sex, relationships, you know, of different tones.

you know, I've worked with a lot of attractive people. I'll say that. There's no walking it back. That part. What I love about your letter, Lee, is that you acknowledge the boundaries and you richly describe your feelings. And this makes sense. We've all had that work friend where you're just like, dang, if only we weren't coworkers. And I'm like, if only. Quit the job. But you are. I just think in

In my experience, sure, there are times when people, against my own advice, have started dating co-workers, and some of them are still together. And I love that for them. But more times than not, it doesn't work out. I think I'm skewed on this because one of my dearest friends of all time and my colleague who helped me launch the NPR Politics podcast, and it's been a minute, the most brilliant producer I've ever experienced in my life, Brent Bachman, he married a co-worker that had a kid a few months ago.

And at NPR when I was there, there were actually a lot of relationships. Oh, I'm not surprised. And because it happened so much, people actually knew how to conduct them thoughtfully. Like people knew you couldn't have a seniority gap because that makes things really crazy. And they also knew how to like be public about it in a way that was like respectful. So I had this experience at NPR for like 12, 13 years where...

where a lot of folks were dating, but it felt mature. So, but that said, it might vary from workplace to workplace. And it does. What does this workplace feel like is the question. Here's what I was, and I do want to hear what you also think. I guess,

My advice would be enjoy the work relationship. It sounds great. I mean look work is hard. Yeah People are struggling out here. If you like a co-worker, it's a good guess. I love they were like, it's nice, you know, I'm actually kind of excited to get dressed and go to work because I get to work alongside this cool person. And you're like the things they value, the things they care about. You know, enjoy that for what it is. And this is what I would tell you. Meaningful relationships are

cross all kinds of bridges. You know, my best friend, Isaac Fitzgerald, we met professionally. He was an editor at a literary magazine that had published my work. And then here we are. You know what I mean? I met you when I interviewed you. Hello. So I would say if what you feel is real, and I think it is,

Enjoy it for what it is in this context and be patient. Y'all probably aren't going to be coworkers forever. Yeah. But if it's a meaningful relationship, one of you might go on to do something else and then you go. Then you can. Yeah. That said, if they do choose to do it right here, right now, tell HR, tell HR, tell HR, cover your ass. I,

My thing with that, I have a lot of thoughts here. My thoughts with HR is I agree you do need to go to HR if you start having a meaningful relationship with a coworker. However, if it's not meaningful, you've been on like a date or two, I wouldn't go to HR. Yeah. If you don't even work in the same division. HR is not your friend. HR is not your friend. Let's say that again. HR protects the company. It's like you should tell HR. Yeah.

At some point. If it reaches a certain... We're dating. We're not, we've gone on a date or we've hooked up, but we are dating. You should tell HR, but understand that HR's job is to protect the company, the liability. They are not to protect you. Yes. And they will start looking at you as someone that has been in leadership. If I know someone's dating and then they go off to lunch and if they work on the same teams, I start questioning, are you actually working? Yeah.

You're on their radar now. And it's because you're now, we got to watch you. So there's that. But mine, I guess I'm in the middle with both of you, between both of your opinions. You know, you came to the three of us, you're going to get three different. I'm tread lightly because, you know, it can get really sticky and messy. Things go south. You have to learn how to, like, to go through a breakup is hard. To go through a breakup at work

is harder and I don't want anyone to go through that because it is really terrible. I've never experienced it but I have managed people and watched it happen and it never goes well. Someone leaves the job, it just never goes well. But, I do know so many people like Sam that fell in love at work because

the best place to fall in love with someone is doing something you're passionate about. Going to play tennis, going to work out. Especially, and I get a sense from this letter that this job fills mission. They're saving the world. Exactly. So I would say, you know, give it time because you're spending a lot of time together. And it sounds like

you kind of are going on dates and I mean dates and not a sexual way. You're spending time getting to know someone. Platonic. Platonic dates. So like it will come like, you know, it will rise to the surface eventually where you take this next, but give it time. Me and my partner were friends for over a year before anything happened. So, you know, just like if something's worth having, it will come to you eventually. And in the meantime, while you were listening to Mother Said's advice and not pulling this trigger. Yeah.

You've also, in describing why you enjoy working alongside this person so much, described a really great partner. So I would say also you can use all of these qualities you've identified to think about other people. You know what I mean? You can maintain this great, vibrant work friendship and then also be like, well, now I know what kind of person I want to be out there dating. And to me, and this is my struggle always, I've learned that one of my challenges in relationships is that I don't know what I want. I'm like, I want to be happy.

Okay, well, what does happiness look like? You know what I mean? So you've described an image of happiness in relationship to another person. So that's valuable information that you can use now in real time while you are patiently not dating a couple. I love it. Okay, I love that. I still am in the middle there. But what I love what you're saying is people can model for you what you want.

and desire in the world. They don't have to be the answer. Just because I always say to people, when a door opens, it doesn't mean you've got to walk through it. So just because you meet this person and they show you that they're the right door for you, that doesn't mean that's the person you should walk through the door with. That nigga looks like a window to me. I also never understood the whole when one door closes.

open it back god damn i gotta go find another door i gotta go find another door no you don't ever been in a house do you know how architectural works do you know how doors work open it back never in my life why is this house so drafty it feels a little well you know someone opened the door

You can't close it no more. Sam, I thought you were going to go the more biblical route, which was when one door closes, God opens a window. You said no for a sec. Also, I don't want to climb in no motherfucking window while we're at it.

I'm at the door. I was waiting at the door. Well, there you go. Lee, you have three different perspectives to weigh. Enjoy. You've got an open door. Figure it out. You've got an open door. All right. Well, it's time for us to take a quick break, but stay tuned. We'll be right back.

This message is brought to you by McDonald's. Did you know only 7.3% of American fashion designers are black? Well, McDonald's 2024 Change Leaders Program is ready to change the face of fashion. The innovative program awards a monetary grant to five emerging black American designers and pairs each with an industry professional to help them elevate their brands.

I know specifically and distinctly how McDonald's can support and empower not just black Gen Z but black people. My first job was McDonald's. I learned a lot there about customer service and how to relate to people. I still love that place and go there very often. Look out for the change of fashion designers and mentors

at events like the BET Awards and the Essence Festival of Culture. And follow the journey of the 2024 McDonald's Change Leaders on their Instagram page, We Are Golden.

Here's an HIV pill dilemma for you. Picture the scene. There's a rooftop sunset with fairy lights and you're vibing with friends. You remember you've got to take your HIV pill. Important, yes, but the fun moment is gone. Did you know there's a long-acting treatment option available? So catch the sunset and keep the party going. Visit pillfreehiv.com today to learn more. Brought to you by Veve Healthcare.

All right, we're back from break, and I want to let y'all know that during our entire break, Sam was cursing about windows. He was. He's been ranting about windows. Call me Jasmine Sullivan, because I'll bust the windows out your metaphor. I'll bust the windows out your metaphor. New Jasmine! A legend. We love Jasmine Sullivan. All right, we are back with another question. This comes from Anonymous.

I was late to the party, but I'm a loyal listener now. Thank you so much for your insight. You're welcome, listener. I am a cis gay white man. Oh, that's why you were late. It happens. Anyway, this person lives in Chicago, grew up in a progressive gay neighborhood. That's pretty cool. Sort of the grown-up alternative to the more well-known boys' town. Okay, we know that neighborhood.

However, after moving back from some years in New York City, I am now realizing just how narrow a slice of the queer culture is represented here in my neighborhood. Gonna generalize. It is a very white neighborhood. The queer people of color who do live here are few and far between. I'm the general manager in charge of hiring

and front of house staff training at a popular Cajun Creole restaurant in Chicago. It's owned by a white gay couple and reasonably progressive, having been open for 15 years. From your perspective and experience,

What can I do to truly practice inclusivity and provide a safe space and hospitable experience for both staff and guests of color? How can I drive home the distinction between honoring the Cajun Creole culture and appropriating it? How do I honor it as opposed to appropriate it? Okay.

I don't know if I have any great advice because I'm pretty sure I know this restaurant. I've eaten at this restaurant. And the restaurant's always been to me delicious but incredibly white and part of a long-standing practice within food of white people taking black recipes and making them more commercial. Paula Deen, somebody?

But where I've had generosity for this establishment, because they've always been lovely to me, is that when I'm there, I've never felt othered. Like I've thrown brunches there with friends, a lot of Black queer people there. Like we all feel pretty good there. So I think, you know, when I go back to this restaurant, if I was to run into this listener, I would hope that I would be

made to feel safe and that if i was like having too much fun or being a bit loud or whatever kicking like i wouldn't feel like i was putting anyone out or being pushed out or anything but i don't know i think i think it's very complicated when you're dealing with like food which has been taken from certain cultures and monetized like so many other restaurants in this country i have two big thoughts first as soon as i saw the front of house staff training

To my second job in high school, I worked at Bill Miller Barbecue, this Texas barbecue chain. Love that. Where there were some folks front of house and some folks back of house. And a little nasty pattern I noticed after being there for several months is that the darker skinned employees were always back of house and the lighter skinned employees were always front of house. I feel like that happens often. There is a casual racism that happens in restaurants a lot. And colorism. And colorism. Where the folks who greet you, the folks who seat you, the folks who treat you,

they are white or close to it. And the ones who make your food and clean up when you're done, they're black or close to it. So I would say first to anonymous,

Watch for that. So, like, don't just have a diverse staff. Think about where you're putting all of them. And what is that saying? That's the first thing. And then two, I would say, you know, we always think that restaurants just take in money. They also spend money. They're buying the food. They're buying the materials. They're buying the stuff. Are your vendors representing the diversity that you want at your restaurant? Are you buying black? Are you sourcing black and brown? Are you sourcing queer? Are you doing that?

Also, you can always say 1% of proceeds this month, this week, this year go to XYZ. Try that. Try that too. So I don't know. I think there are some very practical ways to do it. But I think that it's about money and how you spend it to a large extent. Someone smart told me once.

Budgets aren't just money. Budgets are priorities. Budgets show what you care about. Their mission. Yeah, their mission. If you care about diversifying your establishment, diversify how you source your food and your materials, diversify who you hire, diversify where you give money, and that'll help. Also, beware that front of house conundrum because it happens.

Yeah. So, you know, I do not have service industry experience. So, gosh, I'm learning so much just from hearing your responses. But I will say, kind of going off of what Sam was saying in terms of front of house, back of house, I would take it a step further. I feel that institutions, this goes beyond restaurants, that are thinking about diversity and

often enter this phase where they bring in people of color, queer people, people of different backgrounds, but for low-level positions...

and then leave them to languish there. So I guess I would also say, in addition to thinking about diversity throughout the team that makes your restaurant thrive, are people having opportunities for growth, opportunities to take on more responsibility so that one day they can become general managers themselves? That to me feels like a true moment of transformation. It's not just

Do we have black and brown faces so that we can feel comfortable that if you take a picture of the team, it's not all white people. But are they gaining power over time? Right. How are people being treated within that space? That feels key. And then, yeah, in terms of appropriating versus honoring, I'm not sure I have a language to evoke exactly what that looks like, but I know what it feels like. And I would say...

Are people from, not just Cajun Creole, but it seems like, you know, black folks. Are they coming? Are they coming to your space? Do they feel comfortable? And are you inviting the like neighborhood in? So I live in South LA. I'm like one neighborhood over from West Adams, which is a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood. It was black and brown. It's becoming whiter every day. And there's a restaurant and bar there called Johnny's Pastrami.

which I was like, oh, is this just the boozy folks coming into town to take away the soul of West Adams? They do something really great. They invite people from the neighborhood to come in. They have local bands play. They have locals doing demos. They have locals around. And I see them making the effort to...

to not just look for that new client base, but they are incorporating folks who were there before they got there. Oh, I love that. So, you know, this is something, you know, do you have art on the walls? Can you invite local neighborhood artists? Okay, just bring... I love that. Be a part of your community and neighborhood. But I...

How do I say this? Because I'm pretty sure I know where you work. And the chef there is a complicated person I'm remembering now. And, you know, I think what you have to do in that space is to do what Sandwich was suggesting, which is bringing the community, make sure that we're giving equal space and footing for Black people, for brown people, for everyone that contributed to Southern cuisine. Because sometimes we see restaurants like this one and many others that are,

find themselves on the defense of being called out for cultural appropriation whatever trying to show that like why white people created this why white people have ownership stake in this and i think what this restaurant needs to be is a community space of different people able to come and enjoy and celebrate it that's what's really important here because um we don't want it to go the other way where it's like defending and being like i have a right i'm from the south yeah et cetera et cetera a good question to always ask yourself in these kind of experiences is

who was here first, who was here before me, and what might they need. What might they need? Also, I mean, and I hope you already have

queer people of color, black folks, like in your life, but also literally working in your restaurant, ask them. Yeah. They will certainly know better than the three of us. I mean, I know we have ideas. But also, if you're giving them extra questions or extra work. Oh, yeah. Now this is consulting. There you go. Anywho. True. We're going to take another break, but don't go anywhere. And also, Anonymous, thank you for your question. Thank you, Anonymous. We'll be right back.

This message is brought to you by McDonald's. Did you know only 7.3% of American fashion designers are Black? Well, McDonald's 2024 Change Leaders Program is ready to change the face of fashion. The innovative program awards a monetary grant to five emerging Black American designers and pairs each with an industry professional to help them elevate their brands.

I know specifically and distinctly how McDonald's can support and empower not just black Gen Z, but black people. My first job was McDonald's. I learned a lot there about customer service and how to relate to people. I still love that place and go there very often. Look out for the change of fashion designers and mentors.

at events like the BET Awards and the Essence Festival of Culture. And follow the journey of the 2024 McDonald's Change Leaders on their Instagram page, We Are Golden. ♪

Yeah, it's another day, but what kind of day is it really? A day of doom scrolling? Laundry day? Nah, it's a White Claw day. Light and refreshing tasting. Uniquely cold-weight filtered. There's an iconic flavor for everyone. So grab a pack, grab your friends. Make the most of each day with those who matter most. When you're together with White Claw, every day is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. You just gotta grab it. White Claw. Grab life by the claw. Please drink responsibly. Parts also with flavors. White Claw's also works Chicago, Illinois.

Listeners, we are back with our last advice question. I hopped through a window to get here. Hopped? I don't know. I don't know. Anywho, this last question also comes from Anonymous. Here it is. I need your advice. Six months ago, my husband suddenly left me and our home for his mistress. Damn. I had no idea he was cheating on me and started an entire relationship with his co-worker until that very evening. My, my.

Anonymous. That's why I asked the other person, are you in a relationship yet? Anywho, this new person wrote, I had no idea he was cheating on me and started an entire relationship with his co-worker until that very evening. He said he could no longer be married and up and left. It was cruel and felt like I was living a nightmare.

I felt disposed of, blindsided, and completely abandoned. We were married for nearly four years and shared a beautiful and peaceful life. I felt like he pulled the rug out from under me. Yeah, girl, he did. They continue, I was broken and devastated and spent four months trying to process what was happening. I filed for divorce after it was clear he didn't want to reconcile and after learning all of the many lies he told.

But what threw me over the edge was learning that he left me and our home and terminated our lease. What? He left me without a home. Thank God for family. Men ain't shit. They wrote, he left to move in with his mistress and they'd be traveling together with our money. Wow. So he took the money too. Damn. I was too exhausted and felt too hopeless to fight. I was spiraling and just wanted to feel better and attempt to move on.

Through therapy and spending nourishing time with my family and friends, I was able to pick up the pieces to my life again. It's been six going on seven months, and I recently started a new job, moved into a new home, and have begun dating. I've accepted what happened, my new reality, and I feel so hopeful now. I've learned that we were not compatible after all. You don't say. And I'm so happy we divorced before starting a family.

Recently, he's been contacting me through email and various phone numbers because he's blocked and has been begging for us to attend sessions together to heal. Listen, Anonymous, I got some cousins with nothing to lose. We might need to. Yeah. Anonymous wrote on. No apology. No begging to reconcile. Just begging to heal together.

To start, Anonymous, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Yeah. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I open the foot of my sisters. You know, I want to echo my condolences because I feel as if your question actually has a lot of the answers already in it for yourself. And I'll point out a few. But because you've answered a lot of these questions and you kind of know what you need to do next, I just want to say I'm so sorry what happened to you. It was awful. No one deserves that. That is a pain that I've never felt and I hope to never feel. And I just I'm so proud that you even wrote this letter and got up out of bed today.

And why I'm happy you got out of bed is because you wrote, I've accepted what happened, my new reality, and I feel so hopeful now. And I think that is so incredible because when you go through trauma, which is what you went through,

It is what happens after the trauma that really makes or breaks you. And you gotta figure out a way to get on your feet. Gotta figure out a way to go on a walk, to see the light, to feel the air. And you're doing that. And this person trying to sneak back into your life and block you from that healing right now, because what he's asking is not healing. That's for him to feel a release from his guilt. And he doesn't deserve that, I don't think. But you deserve to heal and move on and be left alone. And I would say, don't talk to this man. Let it be. Yeah, I think...

One, regarding the way healing is being used by him, you will notice that in our culture, a lot of terms related to mental health are being weaponized to manipulate. And I think this is an excellent— Jonah Hill? Yes, yes, yeah. And you know, listener, you know what time it is, right? And so I just want to acknowledge for other people.

Healing is one of those words that are often used to manipulate because I, not to take it here, but it makes me think of, and I think this is his letter from a Birmingham jail. Martin Luther King Jr. talks about negative people.

peace, that's what this person is asking for. Let's reconcile. Let's go back to the way that, you know, whatever this person wants, you know what I mean? It's not about growth. It's not about accountability. It's not even about apologizing. It's let's go back to a status quo that he clearly was benefiting from because in the status quo, you were clueless and he was taking advantage of you. That's not healing. That's at best a negative piece. Yeah. I will say this.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And in every way from the start, it seems as if this man has been acting in a way that didn't respect any kind of boundaries or rules that you had for the relationship. The cheating was breaking a boundary and a rule. The taking your money was breaking a boundary and a rule. And now after you've blocked him, he's using other numbers to find you.

That's crossing a boundary as well. How are we going up and leave you and take your money and leave you at a home and then as soon as you get resettled, try to chase you back down? To take the money again. And also, let's be clear here. If he took money out of a joint account without getting your permission and then now contacts you without your permission through various phone numbers, both of those things are maybe almost illegal.

This man is cyberstalking you. Definitely. He's cyberstalking you. But at the end of the day, what they are most of all, they're non-consensual. They're not consensual. This is abuse. And so if this man has hurt you so much and continues to show disregard for your well-being because he's putting you in these non-consensual environments and situations...

Take that for what it is and understand that he might not change. Even if you go back to quote unquote heal, if he's still doing this shit after y'all have healed, what's in it for you? What's in it for you? The other thing though is, because I agree with Zach, I think you know how you feel and you are understandably just checking in. You know, it's good to kind of fact check our feelings and instincts, but I think your feelings and instincts are pretty on the money here. I want to acknowledge that, you know,

Four years of marriage, and then he does this. So hurtful and painful. Seven months to me is not a very long time. And so in seven months, and I love that you say through the support of friends and family, you've moved.

You've got a new home. You've got a new job. Wow, look at this. You're even dating again. This is a heroic second act for you. And, you know, I was raised Nichiren Buddhist. And listeners, if you know of Nichiren Buddhism and tradition, feel free to be like, this is what it is. Send me an email. But there was actually a term where basically it was like when you're going through adversity, right?

And you are transforming your life. You're transforming your karma, doing like real shit, real growth. There was actually a term for a dynamic where basically life will often throw something at you to try to interrupt it. Mm-hmm.

And I would say to test it, to test your commitment to your transformation, because look at what you've done, listener. Like, this is incredible. You know, you haven't just rebuilt. I think you've probably built something stronger, more beautiful. You know, you're thriving. And so, yeah, it feels even more significant than like, here this little demon comes coming back to see how committed you are to your growth. And you are worth staying committed to.

Also, I wonder if he went back to her, was trying to go back to her because the other thing didn't work out. Well, I mean, that's well, I mean, that doesn't help anybody. And also just the last thing I want to acknowledge, Zach, you alluded to how like the language of this letter tells you already how she's feeling, where she thinks she needs to go. You wrote, dear listener, I feel so hopeful now. Yeah.

What a powerful and beautiful statement. Protect that. If you feel hopeful now, ask yourself, will talking to this man again make you more or less hopeful? Ask that question. I'm going to sit here and guess no. So don't let him take your hope. Right. Don't let him take your hope. And look, wait, here's the gag. Okay. The other thing is...

He probably does want to heal. He probably is finally, because this is the thing with people. He realizes it's wrong, yeah. Yeah, sometimes, you know, the reason people often cross violations is they don't know how to pay attention to the warning signs of the first place. So there's a delayed reaction with winning people when they make a violation. And unlike us, people who try to live with integrity, it takes a little bit longer for that thought process to occur. So yeah, he probably is like, uh-oh, wait a minute. Mm-hmm.

I hurt this person that I was married to for four years, you know, but he lost the right to access you and to access the kind of healing he could do in coordination with you the moment he violated and kept violating your relationship. Also, girl, he took your money. Girl. Let me tell you. And this is kind of a...

Come on now. So yeah, you've heard from us. Preserve your hope. Preserve your peace. We are rooting for you. We need to start a signal account. And I will say we're not worried about you. You got everything you need. You got family, friends, hope. You're doing it. Don't let him take this away from you. I think if you write us in a year and say you went back and let this all be taken aback, we have different advice. And listen, he better not be ugly on top of all of this. Same.

You know he is. You know he is. You know he is. Ugly of heart, am I? I can feel it. Yeah. I can feel the flatness of his face through the letter. Lord have mercy. All right. Listeners, thank you for all those great advice questions. We love getting them whenever y'all send them. Keep doing so. We'll have another Mailbag Advice episode soon. I promise. All right. Get us an email. Vibecheckatstitcher.com. Vibecheckatstitcher.com. Bye.

And with that, that's our show. Happy New Year. Thank you for tuning in to this week's episode, the first of 2024. We love your support of the show. So please make sure to follow us on your favorite podcast listening platform and tell a friend, tell more friends, tell people that need advice.

Go tell it on the mountain. All right. Let's get out of here. This bitch is singing now. All right. Huge thank you to our producers, Chantel Holder, engineer Sam Kiefer, and Marcus Holm for our theme music and sound design. Also, special thanks to our executive producers, Nora Ritchie at Stitcher and Brandon Sharp from Agenda Management and Production. Special thanks to my dog, Zora, who always loves to hear me sing at the house. I'm sure she does. Listeners, if you want more... Zora blinked twice. Zora blinked twice.

Listeners, if you want me to reply with a sung voice note, email us. Be careful. Email us. Vibecheckatstitcher.com. Vibecheckatstitcher.com. Also keep in touch on Insta at Sam Sanders, at Zach Staff. There's an H on Zach. And at The Ferocity, use the hashtag VibecheckPod if you post about us. And stay tuned for another episode next Wednesday. Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

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