Strapless Strapons, Hot Moms, and Sobriety with Trevi Moran
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Okay, hi guys. Welcome back to X's and L's, a podcast where we talk about queer relationships and sex. And this week I have the great, amazing, hot, awesome, spectacular, I'm trying to think of any adjectives, guest, Trevi Moran. She is amazing and I'm so, so glad that she came on. She was so open. We talked about so many things and the episode is actually really long, so my intro will be short, but you never heard me say that before. Just

Just kidding. You definitely have. Also, my washing machine is going. I hope you can't hear it. You might be able to hear it. But alas, I am doing my laundry. Yesterday, Becca posted an Instagram story and you could see my laundry basket in the background and people were like, do your laundry, Jen. I'm like, OK. Obviously, the laundry basket was out because I was going to do my laundry.

Mom kidding my mom didn't even say anything also happy belated birthday to my lovely mother Debbie beverage if you see her on social media you wish her a happy belated birthday It was on the 11th, so it's been a while now, but happy birthday mom. I love you. I love you so much Want me to sing it for you? Okay? I'll do it happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Debbie. Happy birthday to you. Okay. Now to live on forever, mom. You're welcome. And if you guys want that to be your name, you can just take out Debbie and replace it with your name anytime in the future. Don't say I never did anything for y'all. I'm kidding. You guys never say that. You're amazing. I love you. So mental health check.

Mental health is doing good. I'm feeling good. We'll see after this week, but I think I'm good. And yeah, the summer is I can't believe it's fully summer. It's hot, hot, hot, hot as fuck. My car has no air conditioning. I have been dying a slow, slow death. I need to go take it in to get fixed. And I have been saying that since I got the car, which I think was like two years ago. So maybe three even.

I do need to get on top of that. But if you guys don't know, I have an old car. It's like a 1988 Bronco II. I never talk about it enough. I really should show it off more, I guess. I don't know. Should I? That's so lame. I'm just... It is a cool car. I like my car. But in the summer, it is brutal. It is so brutal. What am I even talking about right now? Not important. Let's just get on with the episode. Also, I am cat-sitting, so...

Let's see if I can get Bear to come have a cameo really quick. He's watching me from the living room right now, from the kitchen. Hey, Bear. Say hi, Bear Bear. Can you say hi? Meow. Say gay rights. Ow, he bit me. He actually bit. Why did you do that? Say gay rights. Oh, not the mic. Bear Bear, I totally take full responsibility for that. Obviously, you thought you should bite it, but now I need you to let go. You really do.

He really chomped into it. Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Thanks for watching and I hope you enjoy this episode of X's and O's. Okay. Happy Monday, everyone. It's Monday for me. I don't know what day it is for you. Wednesday, potentially. I need to not be filming like this. This is bizarre. Thanks for being in my video, Bear.

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okay hi guys my name is shannon beverage welcome back to x's and o's a podcast where we talk about queer relationships and sex and i'm so excited for my guest today you might know her from youtube og youtuber pop star now podcast host of six feet above that's correct trevi moran i'm so glad you're here i am so happy your house is so cute oh my god thank you so much haven't seen you since

A long time. Actually... Before COVID. Yeah, before COVID, when I didn't look like this, I didn't act like this, I transformed.

you really transformed i did my big one yeah you look amazing i love you okay this is so fun i feel like people probably i feel like there's a lot of youtubers like that know each other that the internet doesn't know know each other because the community is small like if you think back to like playlist lives and vidcons and stuff like we all were mingling but i feel like the internet like doesn't know i they like when connor came on my podcast they were like

How do you know Connor Franta? Yeah. Well, you know what I call it? I call it the blood transfusion. And listen, listen. So it's like we have all these people from like... When did you start YouTube? In 2014-ish. So that wave, right? I feel like it like blood transfuses every like five, six years. And I like... I've literally seen it on my analytics. And you've been here the whole time, by the way. Scary. Since the beginning. That's crazy. I was...

11 12 i was like i don't in the apple stores literally um but it's like you watch on your analytics like the unfollowers and then like the brief like the new followers coming in and it's like an actual like out with the old and with the new so it's like why it is crazy you know gonor franta i know because we've been around forever which it is kind of crazy what a testament to you to have survived that many eras of the internet barely

Like, actually not kidding. Like, almost, yeah, no, didn't. But it's been so beautiful to just, like,

watch the internet and also scary scary so like watch what it's become yeah it's also changed so much with like from youtube to then like instagram like you were on instagram before instagram stories obviously like think about how much like each platform has changed and as each platform changed like the new influencers that come and the ones that don't make it i'm like remember when social media platforms like showed our shit to their to our followers remember

remember like when people were notified the i call them like the robot algorithm overlords yeah and also like everyone on youtube used to actually get views girl what the hell's happening on there who's the ceo is it it's not susan anymore is it i don't know i've never known anyone at youtube i've never had like a connect at youtube ever in my life you probably did but you are like you're

star no you are a star no i was like just a lowly lesbian and you were otl otl oh trevi l yeah honestly fuck the two oh two l yeah you were all of it no i it's uh

It's just weird. I don't know. YouTube used to be very, very, very different. Very different. Now you got to scrunch it down into 15 seconds. Oh my God, I know. Everyone's attention span has like shrunk completely. But okay, OTL, aka O2L. I'm like O2L. I was not like a big O2L person, but I was like a Connor Franta fan. I was a fan of yours. I remember your X Factor audition. I think I watched Ricky Dillon, which this is all checking out because it's like...

-all the queer people from O2L now. -Yeah, they're like coming back right now. Yeah. Except for I also kind of liked Kian because I wanted to be Kian in a way. Kian is lesbian adjacent, I have to say. Kian is-- Okay, so like, I love that you say lesbian adjacent because-- And this might sound fucked up, but I know so many trans-- -uh, cis girls who are trans adjacent. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm like, "You went to the same surgeon as the dolls." -Yeah, yeah. -And...

You're giving me like body tea. You're one of us. But you're like, you know, you can have a kid. You get your period. It's fully all of that. But like, yeah, no, Kian is lesbian adjacent. And like, Kian, if you're watching this. That's a compliment. That's a huge compliment. Lesbians are winning this year. So good job, Kian.

How did you end up in O2L? You're like, how did you end up trans? Hey, let's just jump right into it. Okay, so we met at VidCon. So we all met at VidCon 2012. And we were all friends online. Do you remember iChat? Yeah, of course.

Any like YouTuber from that era, they like all met through iChat. Like nobody ever met in person because like half of them lived in like Wisconsin, North Dakota. Where are you from? Texas. That's pretty similar. It's like just not LA. Yeah, literally not LA. But you're from LA. I'm from San Diego. Okay. And then half San Diego and then half Temecula. And then I moved here when I was like 16. But finishing the question. Yeah.

which was you how you guys ended up oh yeah 2012 and then we finally all met there after i chatting for like a year and collab channels at the time were like kind of like coming up they were like going up going down and i just remember we were in line for the tower of terror at disneyland do you remember when we'd all go to disneyland after vidcon that was kind of awesome it was kind of everything um and we're just like waiting in line to

what if we all just like started a collab channel and i'm like yeah it and then um you it were you like 12. uh at that time so 2012 i was 13. i was june yeah so i was 13. baby

And then we were like, it was almost like Hannah Montana adjacent because O2L stands for Our Second Life. And Our Second Life is like the version of us online, which is kind of deep, by the way. And then we like type in the username, like Our Second Life wasn't available. And I was like, guys, the gig is up. Can't do it. Pick a new name. And then I like literally was cold emailing.

um, YouTube executives. And I was like, 13. I was on LinkedIn, like finding or like rocket reach or some shit. And I was just like emailing this long thing. I was like, Hey, like this is like total amount of followers. Like the channel that is our second life has been an active for like six plus years. Like do you mind? And then one of them finally responded and gave it to us. What the hell? I made the account and I was like, guys, we did it. And it was like, honestly, like me and Connor, like made it happen. We like kind of like wrangling all the streets. Um,

And then we just, we started, we like did it and it was really weird because it was like overnight. Like it was the one direction of YouTube. Yeah. You guys are even like before MadCon, right? Yeah. We were the first content house in LA. That's cool. I mean, I guess you could technically stay like, say like the station, but they weren't all living together making content and that was owned by Maker. Yeah. So you were the first. Like I guess like real, like if you really think about like a...

Like a team 10 or like a high palace of like people who are like actually friends and like living in a house. Yeah. Yeah. It's OG type boots.

I'm speaking brain rot today, by the way. It's like really weird. I speak brain rot when I'm nervous. No. Also, okay, you're tenacious. That's crazy. What do you mean? Like to have that tenacity at 13 and you're like, I'm going to make this happen. Shout out again to Shopify for sponsoring this episode of X's and O's. I don't know if you guys know this or not, but I have been using Shopify to sell my Friend of Dorothy line from the very beginning, literally from the very first hats I sold and shipped and packaged from my apartment.

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all lowercase. That's shopify.com slash X's to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. And one more time, shopify.com slash X's, all lowercase. Check it out. Thank you, Shopify, for sponsoring this episode of X's and O's. Love you guys. This episode is brought to you by Shopify.

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I none of the shit that was popular for like a young boy I was interested in I wasn't I wasn't into I wasn't into the sports I wasn't into the skateboarding I wasn't into any of the shit that anyone in fucking Temecula was doing and keep in mind it's a conservative ass town so I just got like really into technology and that's how it first started and I got really obsessed with like iJustine and Apple products and then following YouTubers and I like

Jail broke my first iPhone when I was like nine years old or some shit. I'm like, what am I? I'm like downloading viruses on my parents' Windows fucking computer. And then I was like, fuck it. Like, because remember when the logo or the slogan for YouTube was broadcast yourself? And I was like, you know what, bitch? I can do that. I will. And I will use this Logitech webcam that I found in the dusty, dusty fucking Narnia basement.

ass fucking what is it called your closet no like the things that are like in a room a cupboard um like like that yeah what do you call that uh like a not a dresser like kind of yeah fucking no but look narnia yeah um but yeah so then i just made it and then i was like you know what i don't want to do this shit at home i'm gonna go to the apple store did you get were you like scared of kids reactions at school

It's weird. At first, I didn't. I think when you're experiencing life, like, as a queer person, you, at least for me, like, I, from the jump, like, wanted to be as out and expressive as I could because I haven't been, I wasn't shut down by anybody. So it wasn't a problem in my family because it wasn't a conversation. And then I had access to the internet. So then it's like,

I'm finding all these other people and I'm like thinking that it's like, you know, a relatively normal thing or like a more accepted thing. I don't know. I don't even know what politics were at the time. So I didn't know that Temecula was like a conservative town. Yeah. I wasn't in like Portland, Oregon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, eating voodoo donuts, which I kind of need to deal with. I just wanted to be so open from the jump. And I think, you know, getting shut down

one by one by one is where the issues like kind of came in for me. I remember I showed up at school, middle school, with neon blue pants. They were, I think they had a tiny bit of shimmer in them. - But good. - And my mom, my mom has always been super supportive. She was like, "Do your big one." And I did. - Yeah, I think you keep doing. - But yeah, no, it was like F slur.

no way like everything and I and here's the thing like I didn't care about that because I always thought of like the boys that were my age when I was you know also a younger boy like at the time which by the way it's controversial but I refer to my past self as like I don't think she was there yet like I don't yeah yeah like I don't when I when I referred to like me as a kid I don't really normally say she because I don't think

she, it's weird I go back and forth, really understood or knew what was going on. So it's kind of like this... Disconnect. Just kind of disconnect from gender in general. But yeah, and then I, what happened is...

It's almost worse when like you're hearing about things from other people that people are seeing behind your back. Yeah. And I didn't realize how bad it was. I mean, I got called the F slur a few times, like fucking big deal. I was already making YouTube videos at that point. I was like, girl, I've already been told to kill myself. I'm 12. You know what I mean? So not normal. Your life is not normal. Do you remember when YouTube had DMs? No. No.

God, I should bring it back. I'm like, Susan. I don't even know if she works there anymore. Susan, please. But, oh, fuck. Yeah, so I didn't realize how bad it was. And I remember the principal came up to me and she handed me this envelope. It was this big ass envelope. And it was like thick as a motherfucker.

Am I allowed to like cuss? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I cuss. No, no, I'm cussing. Fuck, fuck, fuck. And I'm like, I wonder what this is. School is ending. Bell rang. Mom picked me up. I'm like, I got this envelope from the principal. She's like, what do you think it is?

And that was the first moment it started becoming controversial in my family because it almost felt like I was outed. Which, by the way, I like... You were 12. How old were you? I knew I was... Something. I knew I was something since I had an iPod Touch as soon as I had access to Google. Yeah, fair. And before I was Googling, why do I like boys? Before that, I was Googling, why do I feel like a girl? I remember I was caught in a sushi restaurant

And I always tell the story of my podcast, like my mom needed to Google something on my iPod touch because I was somehow connected to the public Wi-Fi. She didn't have a phone. I don't know. And she goes to Google something on my phone and it's like transsexual male to female. Why do I feel like a girl?

boy that feels like girl and this is like i'm young as fuck this is a first generation yeah like keep it wild also i'm sure that google search led you down some really strange pathways back then it actually answered some questions really but also i just feel like google used to be scarier like oh save filter off yeah i'm like before they became the google we know um

They were the Google Wii. It was almost like the dark web for a while. It was Tor. It was scary. Google was Tor at one point. So she read that. Yeah, she reads that.

But this was after the whole envelope situation, but they, I'm like jumping all over the place. I'm sorry. You're so fun. But we're in the car. She's like, what's in the envelope? And I opened, I was like, I don't fucking know. And apparently the principal found out that like the whole baseball team was saying like awful, awful, awful things about me. Um,

And she made every single one write me a five paragraph MLA apology and like how much they accept me. And like I... Were you even out? To like two of my friends. I told them that I liked boys, but like it never... It was class. It was class. Yeah. Whether you're gay or trans or whatever, you know, I was at the time like it wasn't giving... It wasn't giving... It wasn't giving straight sex. Like...

Yeah. So she's reading them and she's kind of disappointed because she's just like, what do you mean? Yeah. You didn't tell me any of this was happening at school. I was like, I don't fucking know. Did you even know? Yeah. Not really. I mean, besides like the few F slurs, which by the way, I just like went over my head. I just... So that was the first moment. That made it like way more serious, I'm sure. Yeah. And not to like get too much into my family, but like it... I don't think at the time my parents...

Everyone who doesn't, or at least in my experience, who are confused about a queer child are just relaying

information from their parents. Yeah. And it's just generational shit passed down. And I think I taught my parents a fucking lot. Keep in mind, I was raised in a conservative town and my mom got pregnant with my brother when she was 18. So getting married that young, I like, she didn't have her twenties to like develop and, or even like be probably even experience and go to gay clubs or like anything. Yeah. Yeah. So, um,

I just think she was just following, you know, what she knew at the time. And it was it was okay for her to be like not unaccepting, but just confused about it. And me and her have worked this out. I mean, she's my biggest fan, number one supporter to this day. She like is actually everything to me. And my father and I have gotten a lot, a lot closer. Like I remember I went to his house for Christmas and like there was this picture frame of

that always said like I love my sons it was like me and my brother and I was like already three years in my transition at that point and I was like bitch the fuck and um finally changed it last Christmas and it was like my daughter and son I was like wait that's so cute yeah that's so cute it's like the littlest things mean the most at the end of the day honestly but also yeah I think parents so our

You were so young. That's crazy. You were so young. I can't even imagine. Because I got to stay in the closet for so long until I was like 16-ish. And then I got outed by the first girl I liked. Her parents told my parents. That's fucking... Why are older people are fucking weirder than... They were weirder than us. Oh my God, for sure. But yeah, I guess we're a product of our environment. And their parents were probably way worse than whatever. Yeah. But...

my mom's reaction at first was like you're not gay are you and then I was like no but then obviously same now she's like my yeah I'm like no but now she's like my biggest supporter I think it just takes it can take time and education and if you never had to educate yourself like a lot of I see it now with like this sketch thing have you seen this online you know who that is

girl i'm still finding i don't watch streamers no me neither but i'm like finding out about new people every fucking day because i have pop grave notifications oh good why wouldn't i need to know who's charting a billboard and i need to know who's getting exploited whatever the fuck yeah i don't know the lore behind this but something something lgbtc yeah he like kind of got outed he's like a streamer

I don't even know if he's queer, but he did some like queer OnlyFans stuff and then got outed for that. But... It's a bag. I mean, crazy, but the crazier thing is...

it's kind of goes back to the same idea of like, if you don't have to educate yourself on something, you never, you don't like, you never have to, like if your mom had never been exposed, if you had not exposed your mom to queerness, transness, anything like maybe she would still be in the same place today. But this kid, because he got outed in this way, like all these little high school guys and like college guys are having to look within themselves and be like,

why do I care if Sketch is gay or not? Because it's just the exposure therapy of like being around someone and you're like, I already love you. So what do I do about that? Why would, yeah, it's like, do I leave this person forever because of who they decide they want to sleep with? And you're like, I don't want to sleep with you. Like, you know what I mean? None of these people, it's not like these kids are following him being like, I want to be like him. I don't even think like, and it's so funny, like straight men,

They're so fragile. It's like they find us like one of their friends or kids. Fuck me. Yeah. Relax. Yeah. No. Street men are so fragile. It is. They are. I think like it could maybe in the long run be a good thing for like someone that a lot of

straight men look up to and like you said makes them like question with him like why is this making me uncomfortable why do I fucking care it's exposure therapy it sucks to be the exposure by the way like as the person you're like did it have to be me could someone else have done it for you first but a lot of times if you're a brave person like

obviously you are so brave thank you but like sometimes you have to like lead that way for other people yeah i was about to say like being the exposure sucks at first but i think once you see the end result like seeing what happened with my mother and my father and my brother's perspective on anything lgbtqia abc like

It was amazing and it was painful as fuck, but now I'm like 25 years old and I'm like, "My family still fucks with me." - Yeah. - And that took a sec, but like-- - But you got through the other side of it. - Yeah, and especially us being like so online and so public, it's just-- it's-- there's a lot of young people that follow us and I had people that I would watch when I was younger when I felt like-- I was like, "Is there anyone else out there?" And like, we for a generation-- - Totally.

Are that and that's not sucking my own ass. It's just like you see that you see the demographic when you go into your analytics. I see that there's still younger people watching me and messaging me and even just with sobriety stuff, not even with queer stuff. There's so many young people that are struggling with sobriety, especially in this day and age where there's just like so much.

- Access and what? - I was gonna say dependence on alcohol and social... Well, just yeah. I mean, I think now mental health is more fragile than ever with just... Like I said, I love the internet and I love watching what it's become, but it has also turned into a very scary place. You're so much more prone to insecurity and comparison and... Totally.

just a lot of shit is superficial and in a way it depends on who you are on social media. I try to highlight the good and the bad, which is like, it's always good to have a good balance, but it's like,

Shit, if everyone's lives look perfect and you feel like yours sucks ass, it's gonna make you feel like shit about yourself. Oh my god, totally. I'm so glad I didn't grow up with the internet that is today. You kind of did. I mean, like, I did, but in a way, like, I couldn't imagine growing up with TikTok. Mm-mm.

Check out this viral... No. TikTok also... Check out this viral pussy pump. Snapchat. I am so glad I didn't have Snapchat the way that you did. Because I'm... I didn't use that. I was, like, posting stories for, like, O2L fans. Yeah, you were already kind of, like... I didn't have boys sending me, like, dick pics and, like, calling me, like, names. I'm just... I think it would have...

I can't even imagine the nudes I'd have leaking around the world right now. Not that I ever even took nudes, but I feel like that... Liar. No, no, no. I have. I have taken nudes now for sure. Last night, I did. But not before I was 18. I didn't have any kind of thing happening like that then, which I feel like so many kids who grew up with Snapchat obviously were taking pictures and stuff. Just even that as a social media platform. And now TikTok is even...

crazier yeah and like the the fact that anyone thinks that they could become internet famous and you can no you can't i mean i'm glad that we are here in the internet and we already had like our we had our own experience yeah and tiktok is scary and you know guys i just you know if you grew up with tiktok just always remember

to read a book and take a fucking walk. There's a real world out there. But it's scary because it blends. It's Black Mirror as fuck. I know. It's really creepy. It blends in with real life. Because if I didn't, if I wasn't posting for brands and doing my shit for my podcast or my music or whatever, it's like,

I wouldn't live in my house. Yeah. I wouldn't have money to go on trips. I wouldn't be able to do any of the shit that I do now if it wasn't for this fake world. I know. So it's like...

becoming a second reality. It is becoming like our whole world. I know. And screen time is going up and up and up. It's really... I can't think about it too much. No, because then it's like, oh my god, how many years of my life did I lose? Literally. By staring at a screen. Literally. And then also for someone like us, it also is my livelihood. They all click off right now? It's not even like... But you can't even turn it off. We're not even... We can't even. But speaking of the internet too...

So you've been online since you were so little. So you have a huge digital footprint, which I think about this every day and it gets me this close to a Tito's bottle. No, I'm kidding. But I like it's so crazy because it's like I'm talking to any man.

you can look up any yeah and it's like i have such a unique first name too you type in me you literally can type in trevi on google and it's literally me and that goddamn fountain in rome i swear to god and i by the way never been to it but as the fountain i am also wet and dripping always um

I cannot. It's just you and the phone. No, it's so funny. My mom and I, because I had my mom help me pick my new name with me because I thought that would be special. I wasn't going to like run off and be like, hey guys, I'm not Samantha. Yeah. I was like, I just want to like not change everything about me, but like sort of feminize it and like

I don't know. We just came up with Trevi and we just loved the fountain for some reason. And even though I've never been, she was just like, I think it works. And I was like, I'm so real. And then I went to court and then now I can have a kid. Now I have a womb.

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Whoa. Landing an account this big will totally change my landscaping business. It's going to mean hiring more guys and more equipment and new trucks for the new guys to drive the new equipment in. I don't know if I'm ready.

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be stealth. Yeah. And I don't, I'm not that type of person necessarily. Cause like I said, like I've always, since I was a kid, wanted to be very, I'm very forward about who I am. And most people, what a lot of people don't realize, I don't want to give out like a random number here, but I want to say like 85%, maybe even fucking 80% of the people are

I match with on a dating app such as Hinge or whatever and us both having sponsorships. Hinge. Literally. No, but or just in public or if they don't know and I tell them it's like most of the time like straight guys do not date.

give a fuck yeah no they don't give a fuck yeah like if you're pretty they're like okay or like and or funny or hot us um they like don't care and what i've realized is like the google ability of it all it's like yeah they don't care but it's like i just hate the idea of anyone seeing

the old me yeah or even just like the drunken me like the video of me and tana getting drunk in mexico where i'm like which is like isn't that some people's like favorite video on their internet that shit needs a stream me i swear to god but it's like it's so it resurfaces every few months and as with like the x factor thing and the apple store thing and it's i love who i was and who i am right yeah so who i am but

When I was always really struggling with how I looked as a kid, I could never go shopping with my mom. It would always end up in this huge blowout of like I'd never wore logos that were boys brands. I would always if you look at all my videos, like I barely did. I was always like jeans, plain colored like V-neck T-shirt. And like I said, the gender was very disconnected. It was very turned off. I wanted to like my clothing to blend in and me to speak for itself. Yeah. You figure it out. Yeah. Um,

So people seeing that version of me who was trying to figure herself out, it's like, I don't think you need to see that. But...

but you also you can't stop someone from looking it up yeah and also you owe so much for your life to it but also like i just feel like in general digital footprints are stressful like i'm anyone i date can go you can blur there's no thing censored any person who i date can go and look at me dating like other people i've dated because a big part of my digital footprint is relationships which is like

completely different obviously yeah completely different experience but just in general you're kind of like damn like you could just look up anything you want about me but i feel like also just as like a trans person that's got to be hard because then you're also don't even necessarily associate completely with that version of yourself but it's also but it's like it's a new name right but it's not a completely new name and like there's fucking websites and reddit and shit that are like

Trevi Moran before and after. Even if you delete it at all, it's there. It's there, honey. It's in the cloud. It is floating around with the rain. There's fan edits. There's no way to... Is it something that you ever thought you wish you could get rid of? I always knew I was going to transition. I always knew. Since I was 12, I made that decision that it was going to happen and I didn't know when. Do you wish you could...

erase the internet like the pre-trevi internet no because it's like it's it hurts but no yeah like i think that kid i wouldn't be in this city i wouldn't be doing what i was doing now if it wasn't for me working my ass off as a kid and like if you run into a fucking old picture or an old video of me it's like yeah like this is me like if that really is gonna affect someone's

view on me then it's like you weren't the person for you in the first place yeah um and when you think about it is it mostly thinking about like someone you would date like is that the person that's the problem that's i don't give a fuck like anyone else right well because so i've never been in a relationship yeah i've been in something close to one that like kind of fucked me up and it was

I was supposed to transition the literal day I turned 18. And then I was in a relationship-ish kind of moment. You know, fully... Like, literally everything in a relationship, but then, you know, no label. Everything but. Why would there be a label with a man ever? And I was kind of very young and naive, and I did everything that I could to, like, please this man, and I...

At the time, it was a gay relationship, obviously. And I already started growing my hair. My hair was past my shoulders. I was ready. And I really liked this man. And I had a decision. I was like, do I transition or do I stay with who I thought was the love of my life? I was 18, duh.

And I have no ill will towards this man because he was also very, very young. We were both like, you know, very fucking prefrontal cortex development. It was like suggesting I should cut my hair, suggesting I should lose weight, suggesting like all this stuff. And I did everything to please him. And obviously now I'm like, that's why I've been single. Cause it's like, as soon as I start to feel that a man like needs to control me, I like freak out. You're like, no, thank you.

But yeah, I did everything. I lost the weight. I dyed my hair fucking light blonde. I cut all my hair off. I put off my transition. And then when that blew up in flames, I kind of just like turned to substances and hid that and dealt with that burden. And I signed with a management company for my music for dead name Trevor Moran. I don't feel weird saying that, but like

I was that person at that time and that's who they signed. They didn't sign a girl. Um, so then I was now appealing to a management company, huge management company. Um, and I was really fucking excited. And since a very young age, I've always been so like my career first. Yeah. Like if I got to hide who I am for my career, I was like, fuck it's like worth it to you. Um,

But yeah, and I just like I kept putting it off, putting it off. And it's a lot of shit up. And I kind of I've touched on it online, but I that manager, she was like my best friend. Like I literally she believed in me so much, like more than fucking anyone in the music business or any digital business, media business in general has. And she just had so much love for me and so much experience. And it was just a really like

it was one of those moments where like i feel like all this paid off and um not to like trauma dump or anything but like kind of we're on here on a podcast yeah telling my my my stories kind of sloppily and all over the place it's me um but she we had a lot of exciting things happening and she like

getting cancer and passed away and it was like the craziest thing like I think it was nuts how old were you then I was 19 19 or 20 she always warned me too she was in recovery as well as she would always be like watch that watch that mmm and I was always like I was so young too I was like just cuz you're a fucking alcoholic doesn't mean that I am mm-hmm

Girl, you were right. I'm like, yeah. But yeah, so then after she passed, it was just, I was like, okay, so now I'm sitting here and like skinny as fuck. I have fucking full blown alcoholism. I feel like my career is down the drain. I'm still a boy. Like all this fucking shit. So, and I've normally always picked myself back up. And then I think for a few years, I just let myself go. Like, no. Yeah. And I just turned to like,

absolute, like, rage city. Like, I just did not. I was like, fuck it. I'm like, I'm still fucking famous on the internet and I can do the fuck. I was like, I was drug, sex, rock and roll. Like, I didn't give a fuck. I was like, I...

want to be insane. Yeah. Also probably like disassociating completely in every way you possibly could. Nice though, because I feel like, no, I will be honest. Like it was those days. I look back, they were kind of fun because I didn't have, I didn't go to a public high school. I was homeschooled because I was in O2L. I was touring. So I like dropped out sophomore year. I didn't go to prom. I didn't like party as a young kid. So I was like,

finally living my like you know adolescence college high school adjacent party era um but then you're doing your me at the vmas yeah i was gonna say i'm like what the fuck but you're doing your party era with like far too much money it's it's that era of well and that era of youtuber is so adjacent to child star i mean you were a child star all the time yeah i think there is no distinction between

between a disney yeah kid or a nickelodeon kid losing their mind and an internet child star we are the first generation to go through or experience something like this and we don't know we didn't know what to do like i like i said i was like 12 years old reading youtube dms telling me to kill myself but i didn't have

Like, these Disney kids, they had, like, teams. Yeah, publicists. And, well, like, who could connect them to therapists? And, like, but, like... Not that it seems like anyone... Not that they did at all. Not that anyone's really taken care of them. But, I mean, I just... Any support. Yeah. And it was just really weird. And no one even knew what that industry was. Like, we didn't even know what the industry was. Nobody did. The brands didn't know. Like, what the social media, marketing, like, any of it. Nobody knew. Like, how could someone protect you from something that...

No one even knows what it is. Yeah. It's like alien invasion. It's really crazy. Which I can't wait. Take us. I'm ready now. But did you lose like all your money from... So...

Not to make you cry. No, I brought it up. I brought it up. I, well, so then I eventually got into like, can I say like drugs? Yeah. Okay. I got into drugs and I became really addicted to ketamine. It was really weird because I started off by being prescribed to it. Got FDA approved for like major depression treatment. And I was like, I want to go and do this because I'm really fucking depressed. Yeah.

I like went to a clinic and I was like this is the best thing in the fucking world it made me feel like a kid again it made me it was like the only it was like the first time in so long where I felt like baby Trevi and I was like I fucking love this and I didn't associate it with like being like the drug was the reason but subconsciously I like kept going back and then I was like this shit's so fucking expensive you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna find a dealer so that I did and I found a dealer and I was

one of the things about ketamine is that it's so you build a tolerance so fast in your brain right so i was doing like more and more and more of it i was doing like a few bumps a day to with basically within the span of a year i got up to three bags a day holy shit um and that alone is like four dollars yeah right so then i was doing this for a moment and um

I spent $150,000 on ketamine alone. How do you do that math? Did you have to go back and... So I just do an average. You were just like... I do an average of $300 a day. For as long as you were doing it. For as long as I was doing it. But then that's not including... I was uber blacking there from Hollywood Hills to Koreatown there and back. So that's like another $100. And don't get me started. When I started drinking again, it's like the drinks at the bar and then...

how many bottles in my post meeting how what am I you know ordering to like aid the like the hangover process it eventually comes down to some nutty ass number for sure and I have an app let me open actually yeah I have an app obviously if you don't know I'm now sober and not doing caffeine um but I have an app that kind of tracks

my sobriety and like how much i i know people who have this for like cigarettes and stuff right so i've been alcohol and drug free for two months or two years and 11 months good job which is a sleigh i know we're almost i don't know we should do something for three years for my three years i should throw a party up i'm gonna i'm like can ever i'm the type of sober person i'm like i need everyone around me drunk

Because if you're not, if I'm not living through you, it's like, no, you're embarrassing. I saw your wedding TikTok. You're like about not having a sober wedding. Why would I? I need my parents blacked out. It's so like, I still have that like demon in me. I just like, don't let her like, you know. She's not at the wheel anymore. Okay. Savings.

I have saved $265,000. Holy shit. I'm like, and that's why I bought a house. Oh my God. That's a down payment on a house. Yeah. And that's just...

you know, three years, which is fucking beyond. And I lowballed that too. When I typed in everything, I lowballed it. I wanted it to be as like real as possible. Congratulations. Thank you. What a testament to you. But also, do you think you're so bright or do you think your addiction, does it have any correlation to your queerness?

Like a direct... Let me debate before I answer that question, actually. Do I think my addiction had anything to do with my queerness? In the beginning, yes. Like when it came to like the 19 of it all, the breakup, the me hiding who I am, 1000%. I was hiding and I 1000% agree. I think in like... No, I do in a way. But then I think it then converted into...

well first of all covet yeah so it was boredom and like under simulation as um and i mean i don't know about you but like kovid was like the worst time financially for me mentally and i just was in so much pain so why not like throw like more you know gasoline on the fire of course yeah um

But that little bit of relief that that drug gave to me where it like made me like feel like I was a child again, technically. And the drug is so fascinating the way it works if you're using it. Like if you're using it. No, well, yes. But also if you're using it as it's supposed to be every once in a while, it is an NMDA receptor antagonist, which basically means that it like goes into your serotonin receptor and like

unclogs like these like looped um I'm trying to like make this as non-scientific but also as understandable and I'm not saying that I know the scientific terms so don't like I'm not a fucking scientist but I'm very fascinated with I was I knew everything about this drug right so

it really does help with depression yeah you know if you do it in small doses every once in a while but like girl how many fucking loops in your brain can you unclog like i just i i you when you overdo it it kind of you you drain out your serotonin and you almost you need the drug to aid your serotonin receptor so i relied on it for happiness and and everyday thing and

one of the ways that the drug works is it processes through the kidneys and out the bladder. That's where like major problems started to form. Like I started having kidney failure and like I wasn't peeing pee and it was just like really scary and I just continued and I didn't get help and I almost like had to do like a my big one. Oh my gosh. If I didn't stop and it was a really really scary time and um

I think with anything that you overdo in that general area can drive you crazy one way or another. But since it's, um, it's like half hallucinogenic as well. Cause you can go into like a K hole. Yes and no. Did you ever go into a K hole? Like, why do you think I don't remember the past five years? No, um, no, the past five years is crazy, bitch. I've been sober for three of them. No. Um, but I basically ended up just, I did too much and had a full like,

I wanted to drop a name, but I'm not weak like that. I'm not, no. Bitch, I went into psychosis, okay? And I was there for, I was in psychosis for like four days. Oh my gosh. And I was just like seeing shit. Even when I wasn't doing the drug, like I was like talking to spirits and... Were you by yourself when this was happening? Yeah, I like booked a random fucking hotel in LA because my roommate's

kicked me out of the fucking house that i was living in because i went fucking duh like literally duh like and i wasn't even on the lease i was like paying them in cash like i bitch i was the sketchiest motherfucker during kova like no one wanted anything to do with me like

As they shouldn't. And one thing I will say, I don't think I would have got sober if the people I loved didn't back the fuck away from me. Like they isolated you. Yeah, they isolated me and they took a step back. And I think that's really important for anyone who needs to have a moment of recovery, whether that's forever sobriety or whether that's like backing the fuck off. It was very important because I think the humbling of it all. I've always been a very humble person, but I like...

I've always had a safety net of like feeling that I'll always be all right. And that was because of my career. And I felt like I was losing my friends. I was losing my career. I lost all of my money. And it was a very rock bottom boots. And then, you know, after I did the hospital and, you know, in between these stories that I'm telling, I'm like in and out of treatment centers. And then I finally one day and it was almost like,

a miracle in a sense because I was always forced to go to rehab by someone. So it was like my mom, my dad, it was Tana being like, bitch, you need to go to fucking rehab. Like it was all my friends and I would listen to them, but I never really wanted to get fucking sober. And just one day I just remember I was in San Diego at my mom's house because I didn't have any money and you know, she fucking hated me living with her because she knew I was drinking in secret and I just looked in the mirror and I was just like,

It was just like acne everywhere just because I was sweating all this shit out in my sleep. And not that that's a bad thing, but it's just like it was unhealthy acne. It wasn't like normal shit. Like I was breaking out everywhere. My under eyes were just like purple and I just was pale white. I had no blood flow in my face. And I'm like thinking about my entire life, my entire career and like my passions and like.

how i've always felt like a star ever since i was a kid and like wanted to show that and i'm like looking at myself defeated in the mirror like shaking from alcohol withdrawal about to order like a bottle of wine at 9 00 a.m to stop the shaking and i'm like who have you become and for me to like get to that point mentally and break through the addiction was like the most amazing thing to me like still to this day like i literally

I don't associate myself with an organized religion, but something was up there. Something in the universe or whatever. We don't have to get too woo-woo today. But I never saw myself making that decision on my own. And I just looked at my mom like, we're going to rehab today and I don't care which one. And it's literally my last one. She was like, okay. Okay.

I did. And that's like, that was three years ago. That's so wild. Wild. Yeah. I do think it does seem from what I hear and like testimonies of other people, like you, if you're not ready to do it for yourself, it's never going to like stick. Yeah. Ever. And also like, if I'm trauma dumping, please. No, this is amazing. Okay. Please be like, well, just cause I, I don't know. It's I'm so happy now that like,

who I am that it's just it's sometimes I only talk about like the deep shit with people that like I really like respect and fuck with and I like I know this is gonna be online and I would I wouldn't want it to be like with anyone else but like this podcast or my podcast like I just you're so sweet I literally would I'll tell you all my life secrets I literally like thank you I would do it

You can tell me anything. And we can also talk not with a camera on anytime about anything. Yeah. Hey, thank God. Isn't it crazy? We can have private conversations. I just wish iChat was back. Yeah. Oh my God. Let's bring it back. Tiny chat too. Do you remember that one? It was like the same. Wasn't that the one that was just like...

like a file city like eight random people could come in and out yeah always like jacking off come on yeah wasn't there so many scandals there were so many scandals with tiny chat oh my god for sure i used to host ones for like lesbians on tumblr back in the day see look at you working for your community oh my god i just was so lonely like needed speaking of like the mirror thing

Do you feel like you had like a mirror experience with your queerness at all? Experience? Experience. Did you ever? That's kind of everything. Because I did. Okay, say that again. Sorry. Like I remember like I've told people for a long time when I was like starting my YouTube journey, I was like,

What helped me with coming out was when I came out to myself. So like same thing with your sobriety kind of where you like look at yourself in the mirror, you see yourself and you're like, I have to change this. Like I had this like really big moment with myself where I looked in the mirror and like broke down. I was like, I'm gay. And like came out to myself. Like, do you feel like you had that with your queerness too? Did you ever like look at yourself and be like, okay, I'm gay or I'm trans or whatever. Also, I can't believe you had two coming out experiences. I know. Well, I wish I never had the first one. Yeah. Because I'm gay.

The only reason I did the first one was to find a middle ground with everyone around me. I would have literally started my transition at, like, 14, 15, 16 if I fucking could. Also controversial topic, but, like, I do wish because there's, like, other aspects that, like, really, like, fuck with my mental health as far as, like, I've already experienced male puberty and trying to reverse a lot of that has been just, like, a...

process um like hormone blockers like you wish you could have gone on yeah like but also at the same time i the shit that i in the beginning of my transition used to be so insecure about like bitch it's a weapon now like i'm supermodel i am like you can't like i used to walk into a room thinking i was like sasquatch and now like and then i lived in new york for 2020

right after rehab I moved to New York because I was like I can't be in LA I don't want to be by my dealer I don't want to be anywhere so I just went to New York and um moved into a sober living in Chelsea and I was realizing I was like what girl I was like why are all these bitches the same height as me and they I'm like and they can't have kids that's literally the episode title the episode title is literally and they can have kids but I'm like why are all these cis girls the same height as me and I like realized that like

Everyone in LA is short. Yeah. That's the fucking tea. There you go. But yeah, your supermodel height. Yeah, it didn't make me, you know, the most clockable bitch on the planet. It just made me like a really... What I've learned is a lot of men that I've spoken to who I had to talk to first, they never said that like the transness of it all was like what made them like...

refrain or be reluctant yeah be like apprehensive um i was trying to find the word it was like my height and the way i presented myself like i apparently when i'm out i look like a raging bitch no yeah i like you have like resting bitch face i just think i like low-key

low-key and i and i and i need to fix that i need to fix that i need to just make yourself more approachable yeah well i did get invisalign so maybe i'll start and i'll start smiling i'm single come get me and a supermodel okay i may not be able to have kids but i can hey not everyone wants kids anymore anyway i froze my shit before i transitioned yeah right before i started hormones i went and um

Did my big one into a cup. Wow. And do you have to pay to keep it? Yeah, I feel like five grand a year or some crazy shit, but I don't even know if I want it. Yeah. I just want to know that it's like safe. You're paying rent. I'm like, oh, does anyone want this possible alcoholic fucking baby? Does anyone want this possible trans, you know, generational trauma thing?

I'm like, they will be funny as fuck though. I was gonna say, does anyone want this hilarious, gorgeous, talented baby? Me and Tana always talk about having a baby together. Oh my god. If like, I took that and then like, we took like, something like, that baby would be... I need to meet that baby. First of all, that baby would be like...

out like it just it's too powerful but also just like too like that baby's gonna be like crack pipe in hand at six that baby would be like shameless and really talented like that baby would be on the show shameless that baby is carl and debbie like that's that's not it doesn't belong on like planet earth

But it would be everything. I want to meet that baby. Yeah, now. I always think about... I need to... I think I got to freeze my shit soon. At some point. 32? But also, like, I don't know. The kid thing. I'm like, do I want a kid? I don't even know anymore. I mean, maybe. I mean, it's always...

I think it's always good to like check on your shit every once in a while. Well, the crazy thing though is eggs, freezing eggs, if you don't freeze an embryo, like the likelihood that the egg can actually turn into a baby is like really, really low. Yeah. So even if I have like 28 eggs, like the likelihood that it could turn into a baby, it's like... We should have a kid. Oh my God. Imagine that. So great. So you're saying it would have to be fertilized? Yeah, exactly. You have a way better chance of the...

of an embryo like sticking than an egg so like mine by myself but well it's not i mean it doesn't hurt to try if that's something i know we can look into it it's a fucking crazy conversation i also think you're so fine though right now like i think you have a moment okay speaking of makeup how how did you learn how to do your own makeup do you have like were you watching like tutorials and i became friends with a lot of makeup artists yeah that helps like it

makeup by Arielle taught me how to do lip liner no way never I don't I don't I have no ill will towards him we just don't talk anymore but like I'll always remember that my lips will always lie because of Arielle that's so nice and his roommate who's all I'm really close with her name is Gina she's great but like I learned from a lot of makeup artist friends and then I'm like learning from makeup artists YouTubers yeah um but makeup's so like ever-changing yeah like

Tomorrow, the new thing could be fucking stop putting concealer under your eyes. Yeah, I know. Put your blush on first, then your foundation. Put your blush on the center of your forehead. Do it. I don't know how to do my makeup still to this day. I make it up as I go. But do you feel like you went through...

a second puberty almost I mean I fully did yeah I fully did hormone replacement therapy I just wanted to be perfect for you guys I just want to look super hot you look super hot all the time thanks um what was your question do you feel like you did go through a second puberty but yeah so I mean I blocked out all the testosterone and then started taking estrogen and then before I knew it I was like

The fuck? Why am I... Like, I was looking down. I was like, damn, I'm, like, literally growing boobs right now. That's kind of insane. And I just... It was weird. Like, my skin just immediately... It was almost like my body agreed with it. It was like, yep, okay, we're here. Finally, yeah. Because I always had, like, really weird hormonal cystic acne on my forehead and, like, and it was, like, in my... Like, right before I transitioned to it, it was, like, as soon as I...

transition, I like literally felt my body was like, yeah, this is it. And now it's like I'd never get acne anymore. And it's crazy. That's awesome. I mean, that makes sense. But it's so in that because I think about this is we can just, you know, slowly graze over this because deep topic. But like I've cheater. Yeah. I feel like some people who are trans, like it possibly like isn't a psychological thing. Like I think like what if something

fucking happens in the womb like there's babies all the time that come out with deformities or anything like that so like who's to say right because we all start off in the womb as a technically female right yeah so something gets let loose trevi's born a fucking boy trevi lives this whole trevi lives this whole childhood that's like confusing and weird as fuck and like chained to society yep

and then i switched to hormones and like lived my life and then i'm like i can be sober now that i'm like it's just like weird instantly like everything connects because it never goes to felt like there was a certain event in my life that made me yeah there was a lot of you know there's conser even like conservative trans people will be like yeah it's because i got like essayed as a kid or like it's like trauma with um

anything younger resulting in them being trans and that may be true for some but like as in my personal experience always felt like a girl yeah from the jump since I learned about glitter but yeah like since I saw a goddamn kitten heel like I swear to God like that I just always knew um

So who's to say? Because we still don't know. We don't know. We don't know anything. We don't even know anything about mental health. We're like, here, take this pill. Maybe it'll work. Oh my God. We also know so little about even women's health in general because everything up to this point was from male doctors creating drugs for men and then just giving it to women and being like, that should work for you too, right? Right. Because you're a human person. Yeah. It's crazy. But back to like, I remember when I first came out just as gay, like I was like...

I was like, "One day, they're gonna find something." - You're going to sleep? Sorry. - Get comfy. I remember when I was coming out, I was like, "One day, they're gonna figure out what it is that made me gay. It's gonna be something in my DNA, and we'll be able to track it, and then we'll be able to prove, okay, I didn't choose this. I was born this way." - Right. - And then, obviously, now as time has gone by, I'm like, "Who even cares?" Even if I chose to be gay, who fucking cares? - I mean, I didn't. - No, you didn't. - You did not. - But even if I did-- - I think that's who you are.

Even if I did, who cares, right? Like, there's nothing wrong with being gay or being trans or being queer in any right. Like, even if people were making a decision, why would it matter? And I hope we get to a place where people don't need, like, some kind of justification to be like, and it was that, you know? It was this part. It was that thing in my brain. It was that part of my body. It was... Can't we just accept...

People like every single you think about this every single fucking person on this planet is in some way like a snowflake. We all individually have our own consciousness. But then we have this confusing aspect of like, hey, here's culture. Here's society culture.

this is the handbook yep and then let's throw an organized religion on top of it yeah and then now we have all these people who are just like afraid of anything that's different or like need details or are super like like you said like why do you need to know why like why do we need to know why yeah it's just um it's it's weird comparing like society from 2011 to now oh my god crazy so

gay marriage wasn't even legal in 2011 but so i'm thinking like when was it legal like 2015 2015 right okay so let's think about 2011 to 2015 gaga's born this way is coming out right it's becoming like this major movement of like hey it's okay like and they're like a lot of people are like wait

y'all are kind of like cool like we kind of with you and like i honestly like not to like be like the annoying gaga fan but like she helped a lot yeah with like society we love gaga we do love so much and um then it got legalized and then i just felt like it's so weird like now 10 years later almost from that 2015 i feel like we reversed yeah it's getting

It's getting scary. But that's with society. And I think RuPaul said this in an interview. Every 10 years, society will switch up. So it's, they'll get good and then they'll find a reason to back off and then they'll come around again. And same with style, right? Y2K is coming back right now, 25 years later. Yep, it'll happen. I think we like got so progressive, like things started progressing so fast that people got scared. They're like, what? But then also it feels like

It's crazy because it's also getting there's so many people coming out. There's so much like changing so fast that like there's this one part of society That's so like progressive and being like, oh my god. This is awesome. This is awesome This is awesome. And then there's this other part of society That's like what the fuck we can't keep letting them get away with this like they're like, right? It's fear minded and like it is I hope that it Balances back out. Yeah, I mean if RuPaul is right RuPaul. Yeah, but it's also I Last Touch here is like

social media of it all especially with the trans stuff is really scary in the sense of like a lot of people broadcast their transitions as as i did as well and i i just seeing the stories of people who have like detransitioned and shit like i just never i

I never want to be responsible for making someone feel like there's something they're not just because it's cool or it's getting views or it's what's trendy. Like I, that's why I kind of, I locate, like if you look at my shit, like I really don't, I really, hello, I'd be transitioning right now. I really don't make my content about me like being trans. I don't try to make it the basis of who I am. I try to make it who, who I am.

Because I just never want to like, I never want to like influence someone to be something they're not or try to put an idea in someone's mind. Because I would never want someone to go through like what I went through with like that guy. Or like he made me believe that I wasn't supposed to be, you know, this fabulous woman. And then I'm like stuck with like being a person that I'm not. So that's why I just like social media. There's just so much access and information and people with a platform and like.

- You can use it for good or bad. - Yeah. Well, it's like in Toronto, I was just at Toronto Pride and there were a bunch of people who were walking around naked at the, like, kid part of Pride. - Our conservative era. - I know, I know. But like butt-ass naked. Like, I don't want to see people naked, like, on the streets of Pride in general. Like, just...

i don't think it's necessary but then to do it at like a kid event it does feel like the same kind of thing where you're like guys can we make this like we just make this safe still please because then it makes us all look bad yeah there's also safe places to go be naked and do your kink stuff like there's a whole other have you literally ever been to west yeah you can go there's so many places for you that don't need to be in front of like little kids yeah it's just so i just yeah it's not even like you said like

It is not even a kids event. It's for the sake of everyone around you. Literally, I don't want to see it. I just don't need to see naked people. Nobody wants to see it. Yeah, nobody wants to. It's always like really old men too. I'm like, that's your pride. Put that shriveled thing away. Not like you going your entire life, like struggling through like something so major and wanting to be like, so I'm going to go fucking walk around and traumatize everyone. And here is my...

I don't need to see it. Okay. I want to ask you about dating. How is dating as a trans woman? And by the way, do you exclusively date men? Yes, but I wish I didn't. I know. Sorry. Here's the thing. I actually... I don't consider myself bi. I'm not going to throw another label on me. Swear to God, bitch. I'm like, if I have to make another fucking coming out video, I'll fucking... I'll go back to drugs. No. I...

noticed that after I transitioned I became more comfortable and like and I don't know if it's the hormones or anything um but I became more just like open with the idea of like being attracted to women and I've never like in my transition um been with a woman or like found a woman that I feel um like I would be interested but I've seen like

I noticed the beauty separate from like, oh my God, they're so pretty. I'm like, wow. It's not like I want to be you pretty. Yeah, it's a different... It's a different kind. Well, I wonder too... Sorry not to cut you off, but now that you are a woman and looking at yourself, seeing yourself for the first time, you could appreciate the beauty of a woman who's way different than you and be able to separate that in a new way. You know, dating...

men, you know, especially straight men and a lot of people can question that all they want. I don't think it's

i don't think it's necessarily a gay thing to date a trans woman but like i'll be honest like i don't think it's the straightest thing you've ever done like i i think there's a there's just levels to this yeah you know and i don't think that takes anything away from a man's masculinity i think it's beautiful that someone can be open-minded i think it's beautiful that someone can be into that but once we get into like kink territory or like fetish territory

And I don't know if I, like, necessarily, like, believe that everyone that's into trans girls are, like, a chaser and has a fetish. And there's so many girls, especially in this city, that are so... Have this idea in their head that, like, anyone that's attracted to them, they're like, chaser, chaser, back off, chaser. And there's just levels to this shit. I think there's a separate area of, like, people who are attracted to trans women as...

they are with cis women and then people that are like exclusively obsessed with trans women that's where the territory gets weird um it is so frustrating because like i said earlier in the episode this is kind of what i was bridging to earlier when i said that 85 of men don't care um the problems with the the problems with my relationships and my situation ships don't lie within

the interpersonal connection. It's like the me and the person. It's never about that. Everything is pretty fucking smooth. And what I've learned, you know, as the years have gone by, it's the bubble, I call it. It's... I wish I had like an acronym, like the politics family. No. So it's their personal politics, their family's politics, religion,

and then their friends, and then their friends' family and religion. So it's like this outer bubble. And I need a bold motherfucker. Because if you are so fine with being, you know, having this connection with me, but you are so scared about what everyone around you thinks of you, it really takes a toll on, like,

what the fuck even am i to you like i it's so weird because it's like past that like where i feel like a piece of meat type shit like i've gotten in like really like intimate like situations that i like could not believe they left because of the shame that they felt or the the fear of losing their like family or losing their friends and it's like first of all i would never want to be

the cause of that. So I understand that, right? Yeah. But I think if you jump into a situation with me from the beginning, you've got to fucking think that over. Yeah. Because you're hurting a lot of people along the way. Totally. Um,

because it's like on my side it's then i'm ruined i'm fucking crying to all my friends i'm crying to my mom my mom's upset that i'm upset i'm back in therapy like all this shit is just it's it's an outside thing and i wish and it doesn't look like it's getting better with the election and everything that's happening right now and i and i'm i'm fine being single whatever but

You know, it took me a long time to get to finally the person that I've come into now. And I truly believe that, like, I'm finally ready for something, like, real. I, like, fucking bought my house. I'm sober. I'm clean now. I'm, like, I've fully become this adult, responsible version of myself. And I just think I'm living alone with my cat. And it's like I've...

i'm not gonna seek it i'll like you know i'll use hinge no um i'll use a dating app or i'll or i'll you know put myself out there but it's something that i just learned because i used to try to force it i i can't yeah force it yeah but i can't force that it's also i'm sure it's taken you so many years to become like really proud of yourself and to feel like comfortable in your own skin and

you're at a place in your life where you're ready to date someone who's not only ready to date you and like be with you privately but also be proud of you publicly too yeah and that and you deserve that i you know what thank you you do thank you but and it's not even it's not even social media no of course it's like life your life just fucking life like i won't fucking post you they always get so and i think it's a power trip as well yeah when when man i went out with this guy

So my mother got the job at the pub. Dude, I literally that just came to me. No, but I literally I'm still my mother got the job at the bomb, right? So I go with this guy in LA and it was our first day and I was like, you know, I always go on drink dates too, which I'm like, I'm fine with you getting a glass of wine. I always make sure they're not an alcoholic. You could just tell. Yeah. Like a few face times. I'm like, okay, let's go out. I get my Red Bull. You got like a beer. You had like one beer. It was chill.

But we went to a very popular place in LA and I don't think he like realized what I like did for work. And it was like one after another, one after another of these girls coming up asking for pictures and it like, he was so confused. And then eventually by like the 15th person, he was just like, okay, I'll like, he would like take the fan's photo and like take the picture. And he was like, okay, supportive King. Um, but then it's like, as time went on and like,

I started to understand how that could be trippy. There's a whole other aspect to me that is separate from the trans thing that is another hurdle. It's like people who maybe... Who would have a public-private life with me, maybe they don't want to be dating a public figure. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you have a whole other... That's a whole other fucking thing. Completely separate. So it's just...

It's so weird. It's already trippy to date any... I think literally dating any influencer or content creator or person. Anyone in creative, that's a public figure. Like, I hate that word, influencer. Me too. But I mean, you're... But it works. But you're making... Like, if you have a podcast or you have, like...

A platform. They'll always tell, they'll say, don't talk about me on your podcast. I go, okay. Like, I mean, it's scary to date anyone with any of those job titles. It's scary to date an artist, by the way, as someone who's dated an artist, you're like, oh, and then you could write a song about it.

so you could yeah so you yeah well i wrote sinner about that whole situation that happened to me with that one dude when i was 18 and that was like still one of my favorite songs i'm like fuck yeah i'll ruin you bitch that's so like on top of everything you're like i have a podcast i could write an album about you i could make a tiktok viral tiktok about you i could it's like i will make you lose your job it's scary it is a fucking scary to date like yeah that's a scary other completely other element and then

Yeah. How do you know which part is the thing that's the hurdle that's getting in your way most? They'll never tell you. They'll just disappear, my love. They'll never tell you. They will never tell you. Okay, well, maybe you should date a lesbian. Or a trans man. You have a lot of queer friends. I used to. Yeah. I recently had a falling out with one of my best friends, and it was just like...

I don't know if it's just being friends with trans women as another trans woman, but me personally, like, I'm not compatible with a lot of other trans women. I'll be civil, and I'll be cool, and I'll be supportive as fuck, but, like, being best friends with someone who is also trans is also, it's, like, a really, and it's not even about that, like, that whole situation had nothing to be with her being trans, it was just, like, being a shitty friend, but, like,

There is so much comparison. And like, it feels like a race. Who's more fishy? Who's more possible? Who fucked who? Did you fuck him too? Oh my God, is he a chaser? And it's like the body, but I got the surgery. And then like, you didn't get the surgery, but it's like, you have better tits than me. I'm like, holy fucking shit. Holy fucking shit. Like what? This is exhausting. Yeah. So I love.

I do have queer friends. I just don't have a lot. Yeah. I just have to be very careful. And I will always support my community and I'll always be an advocate and I'll always be public about who I am and all that shit. But it's as far as my life goes, like I've just been in some situations on a friendship level that like ended up not being my tea. Yeah. So. Okay. Well, you should hang out with me and then maybe you'll meet more trans men too. Yeah.

Shannon, I'm ready for this era. I'm actually ready because here's the thing. I'm one of the LA bitches that'll be like lunch and like mean it. Yeah. Yeah. So it's because I'm from California. Yeah. You're like, you know, it's all the people that are coming in from goddamn Alabama and getting overnight famous on TikTok. Like, look,

let's hang out tomorrow okay i'll text you never hear from them ever yeah no like i'm there okay let's hang i'm like and it took me 15 minutes to get here i'm like i know we're close skip jump literal neighbor okay well we're gonna hang out uh i have one more i want to talk about one thing about sex because i heard you talk about this on a podcast my my consensual experiences i've had sex with five different people wow um

I want to say four because like one didn't even really go in. But like that's that's just a different fucking story. But I I just find this is this is tea. I find oral more intimate. Really? Mm hmm. I think me sitting there like on my fucking belly just getting like pounded from behind is like the least.

passionate or intimate thing in the world at least for me and that's like that position in general right but it's just like i don't know there's i love to please i love someone who loves to please me i love like a like a cuddling or like a kissing does more for me than than any cock bitch yeah wow it does i'm i'm just the feeling like the skin of someone on me is like

That alone will, like, do it for me. Well, as a lesbian, penetration is obviously not my number one situation happening very often. You're not double-ending dildo fucking. I have used a strapless strap-on, though. Do you know what that is? Is they, like, sew it onto you? No. They're like, hey, so here, you don't actually have a vagina for the day. It's like, yeah. Sorry. It's like a strap-on that's shaped like this. So, like...

A gun? Okay, like imagine it's bigger than this obviously, but imagine like this side goes inside of me and then that side is like Wait, booty or? Vagina. Okay, so it goes up. How do you get it to stick? Do you hold? It's shaped kind of like Curved? Like this

Like almost like, okay. Like almost like an anal, like a, yeah, no, I know what you're saying. Inside your vagina. So it's got that kind of shape. So it's supposed to stay inside of you. So, but as you're moving, you are also going to be like rocking inside of you. Yeah. Yeah. But how was it? Uh,

I can't get it to work right because it's too like big inside. Like I feel like it wants to like fall out the whole time. We should start our own company. No, someone needs to design a better one. I've talked about it before in my podcast. I've always wanted to start a company or launch a product. That one needs to be done. Are we doing at home SRS? Like what's happening? I'm ready to do it. Turn your P into a V just with this quick sewing kit. Okay, but... What am I saying, bro? Like...

Okay. Can I hear your new song? So good. This production is very like song. It's beautiful.

you're so good you're so talented i'm so stoked for you to make more music i am too i'm like really in the zone right now i'm like sessions back to back right now but i'm like always searching for more producers so i'm like if anyone's listening who wants to work with me not kidding work with trevi work with trevi somebody fall in love with trevi yeah this is like my like love island i'm here to pimp you out yeah my love island meets like

American Idol. I'm like, I already did X Factor. I'm like, no more of that. No, X Factor is done. Now you're on X's and O's. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay, let's actually hang out in real life, please. Of course. And we can have more conversations. We have one I want to have really quick when this is over about...

oh that's the second episode okay surprise I'm in the next episode as well just kidding uh what should everyone look out for from you I don't know I'm like I'm just in the process right now of like recreating the public perception of me online and like I just want to re like I've just been reintroducing myself like actually actually this time and it's it's like difficult and

Weird but like ultimately like whoever's listening like you have the power to change anyone's like perception of you like as long as you are confident and like show who the fuck you are like everyone's gonna have their own perception of you but I've just like like look at like our families for example. Yeah, they now like have only I might be talking absolute bullshit at this point, but like I just Just keep an eye out. I don't fucking know follow me. I

I don't know. Do you want to come on six feet above? Oh my God, I would love to. I'm an open book. But yeah, check out Trevi's podcast. Look out for all of Trevi's music coming out. Follow them on all socials. I'll have them all below. I'm like them. Sorry. Sure. I do that now though all the time. It's fine. It's fine. No, like in queer spaces, I only say y'all. I like will say they, them all the time. Oh, instead of guys? Yeah. I'm trying to do like...

Because especially in lesbian spaces, it's gotten so non-binary. And like you don't know who, like it would be like, it could be me, you know? Like it's so, I don't know. It's just easier for me to like try to go as like gender neutral as possible. As I look at the hottest girl who's ever been in my bed next to Becca Moore. Oh my God, thank you. But I love you. Follow her on all her socials. They'll be all below. And...

Yeah, thanks for watching X's and O's. Love you. Bye.

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