closure with Cari Fletcher
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Okay, hi guys. My name is Shannon Beveridge. I am the host of X's and O's, a podcast where we talk about queer relationships and sex and

And this is a continuation of last week's episode with the one, the only guest, Carrie Fletcher. She is, in fact, one of my exes. So it goes hand in hand with the title of the podcast. I just want to start this episode by saying a huge thank you. A huge, huge thank you to anyone who watched last week's episode. To anyone who signed up for my Patreon. I'm just so overwhelmed by the support and love.

And it's crazy. It's overwhelming. I must say I am overwhelmed. And speaking of that, let's just jump into a mental health check because I do that at the beginning of every episode. And this mental health check this week, I will say my therapist did in fact cancel on me. Um, Hillary, what the fuck?

No, she had a family emergency. Love you, Hillary. Obviously, no big deal. Therapy is good every week. Some weeks may be better than others, but I cannot wait to talk to her next week and fill her in on everything that's happened. Everything.

Everything. We didn't film an intro to part two because it's just a continuation of the conversation from part one. So it's just going to jump right into it right after this intro that I'm doing now. And also there is a new episode.

Patreon.com slash nowsisliving

check it out and on another note if you were a patron before you already got early access to the merch I dropped if you were not then you can get it now all the merch is live now so if you're watching this have merch I'll flash it on the screen if you're watching the YouTube video but or Spotify video but if you're just listening it's a hat it's a sweatshirt and it's a t-shirt they all say X is an O

X's and O's on it. And then the back says XO big. So yeah, check it out if you want. I try my very best to never, ever, ever, ever, ever sell you guys something that I wouldn't wear myself. So this is a continuation of that theme. I have been wearing this hat. I will continue to wear this hat and the sweatshirt is really comfortable. It's cool. It's got like the rib down the side. So it's kind of like a Russell sweatshirt. If you guys know those blanks, it's not Russell, but it's that kind of fit. It's like athletic and cute.

And then the t-shirt is really good material, like thick and nice. And yeah, so check it out. I'll have the link in the bio below. So yeah. Yay! I know you guys are probably just wanting to watch the episode, so I will be quick. But I just wanted to say there is a topic that me and Carrie talk about at the beginning of this episode. And we decided together...

to make sure we only spoke from our own perspectives. We only talked about ourselves. We only talked about how things affected us specifically on purpose. It's a purposeful decision that we made. And so if you're watching and you're thinking or you're listening and you're thinking, you know, there's like other perspectives that don't get told in this, you're correct. And that was a conscious decision just because I don't think it's fair to talk for anyone who is not here. So you will only be getting...

my feelings and Carrie's feelings and our feelings about feelings towards each other. Like the feelings will only be about that. That's all. That's all you're getting. And that was a conscious decision that we made because I think that that is the only the only fair way to go about it. But yeah, so if you're listening and you're like, huh, yeah, it was on purpose. And yeah, this was such a

crazy whirlwind of two weeks. I guess it's only been really a week. It's been a crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy whirlwind. Thank you for going on it with me. Thank you to anyone who's enjoyed the content. Thank you to anyone who's given feedback about the content, whether it's positive, negative, or otherwise. It's really...

It's helpful to see and while I'm at it, if you have time to like this video or if you're listening on Spotify or iTunes, if you could rate the video, rate the podcast, give me a ranking. It really is helpful and yeah, I appreciate all the feedback that I get. And if you're watching on YouTube, comment below, anything, everything. Say hi, please. Love talking to you. It is peculiar to be perceived on this scale, I will say.

And it never gets normal. I don't think it should be normal. But yeah, please rate, like, rank, whatever. I appreciate you. I love you. And if you want to join my Patreon, the link is in my bio. The link is in my bio. Let's do it. Yeah. All right. So we'll set the scene. Okay. So I wrote a song and...

This song that I wrote was inspired by... Oh, hold on. Nope. No, no, no, no, no. Okay. I wrote a song. I wrote a song and you were dating somebody new. I was in the studio. I was creeping on Instagram. I saw the person that you were dating wearing an old vintage t-shirt of yours. And it's one that I've worn in the past as well. And...

I was like, whoa, she looks really hot in this shirt. And it also stung at the same time. And I accidentally liked the picture. And then I was like, fuck. And then I like threw my phone to the other side of the room. I was like, no, I'm just going to leave it. And then I'm in the studio and I'm like, guys, telling my collaborators, this is what just happened. I have to write a song about this. I write a song called Becky So Hot and had been sitting on the song for a very long time, for like a year.

and I start to put together, I'm putting together my album, my debut album, which was called Girl of My Dreams. And I was going through the narrative and the storyline and just, and I felt like that was a song that felt like it was like a truth for me at the time. And I decided to include it. And I released this song and it did some things on the internet and it created a wildly massive division between

amongst us, amongst community, amongst people choosing sides, choosing teams about the, you know, just it's, it sparked a lot of conversations about was that something that was okay to do? Was it something that was not okay to do? There was like a ton there. Um, and it,

and you and I weren't communicating at the time and it drove an even like deeper, deeper wedge between you and I in a, in a really, really big way. So that's the, that's the context. Do you feel like that gives like, that's the context for sure. Yep. And so, yeah. And so then a lot, you know, sort of unfolded and there was a time, there was a lot there that people were like,

Was this promo? Were you all involved in this? Is there anything that you want to say? Yeah, I'll say something, but you're doing good. Was there a promo? Was there anything? Was there, you know, were you all involved in this? Did everybody, like there was, there was like a ton of different sort of conversation points happening there. For sure. That erupted lesbian tickets.

Yep. We know her well, lesbian TikTok. We know her well. Yeah, I feel like... And yeah, it was a very strange thing to try to...

Like navigate from my perspective, both within a relationship that I was having. And then also like I don't have a publicist like I don't have someone being like this. This is what you should do. This is what you should say. You could do this or you could do it like the team at that point was really like me. So I was just like, oh, my God, it feels like me against you.

all these voices and being perceived on such a grand scale and something I say all the time is like I'm so grateful I never really went viral ever in my time online like never like really viral it's always stayed within the community so that was like the most eyes I was getting and also eyes that weren't my fans like other people being like oh like she's playing the victim she's playing the victim and then just being like I don't know

All of this is happening. There's all of the truth that happens or truth. There's all of the content that was being made online. And then there was all of the truth that was happening behind the scenes and like all the inner dynamics between relationships, between everything. There was so much going on and it was so horrible. It was a horrible experience for me to go through. And I'm only going to speak from my, I'm only going to talk about me and my feelings about it, obviously, but yeah,

I think a huge thing that was like hard was you gave me I got the heads up the night before you started posting on TikTok like the day before and I was gonna text you back it was literally three days before okay was it it was the yeah it was like I I've texted you and then I started sharing it at the end of the week also not enough not not enough time

Not important anyway. I just... But I do need to clarify that I did give you... There was a narrative going around that you were completely blindsided and that you had no idea. So I did say that there's a song coming. This is what it's called. This is what it's about. Yes. That I gave you a heads up. Yes. But it was a quick... All still valid. It was a quick heads up. Yes. Yeah. So that happens. Then the song is getting promoted. And I think...

I think that for me, what was like really hard personally was that, and we talked about this, but I felt like I helped you so much. Like I was such a big part of a lot of big parts of your career. Mm-hmm.

And I did that within our relationship, like, and even kind of out, like, out of our relationship after. But I felt like, oh, I really wanted your dreams to come true. And I was, like, so rooting for you. And so, like, just wanted everything to work for you. And it felt like, to me, when that happened and that song came out, I just felt like, wow. I felt, like, really used by you. Like...

Like it was like, okay, I didn't already do enough. And because I think I was prepared for songs. Like I was prepared for songs like birthday girl, like in my mind, I mentally and emotionally, I was like, I did an artist. Like I know what I signed up for. I did these things. So when that happened, it was just like, felt like the biggest slap in the face. Cause I just was like, oh my God, I, I did so much. I helped so much. I cared so much. And then I was like,

In my head, I literally was like, someone who cares about me would never do that to me. So it felt intense on top of like, I don't know, which we talked about all this. But yeah. And I also knew I like at the end of the day, I also knew you were doing it from like a career perspective. And it was like, I mean, it worked. Like I was like, it was hard to watch it happen and then work too. I was like, of course that would work. But it felt like, I guess like a low blow of like,

I feel like there's so many other things we could have that could have worked right yeah and then there's like so many other things that's just my own my relationship to the song and my relationship to you within the song it was just like and then having so many people listen and like speak their mind on it and be like it's complimentary it's a compliment it's like it's it's a bop like it's funny it's nice it's not anything like bad it was just like

Yeah, but... Yeah. And I'm like... Yeah, people didn't know what that was creating for you. Yeah. And you're just like... Behind the scenes, just in your life. Yeah. And we were not talking... Me and you were not talking at all. Yeah. So... There was no... There was no promo. Yeah. And then... Yeah. And then you sent me a voice memo, which...

I just I got more mad when you sent me the voice memo because I wanted you to take more responsibility. Like I wish you sent me a voice memo and just said I want my career to work and I know this song will work and I'm doing it, you know? And you could do that in a nice way obviously and be like and I'm so sorry if it hurts you and I'm so sorry whatever that it felt very kind of like

I feel like I could feel that you didn't want to take full responsibility for it. That you're like, I didn't know it was going to... And I'm like, you did. You had to have known. When I think about it at the time, I was like, oh, this is going to be wild. But I truly didn't think that it would have the reaction that it did have. Fair. In the way that it did. Like, it caught me off guard. And then I was like, fuck. And...

And also one, thank you for sharing all of that and being honest. Thanks for listening. And two, I just, all of that is so valid and I completely understand and I completely get it. And I think there was a part of me at the time that was like,

I'm an artist and this is just what artists do and they say what they want to say and they turn their pain into art. And I believe that. I believe that deeply. And while also at the same time not taking into account this human who I care about so much.

And all of and me releasing that song felt publicly outwardly felt like I didn't that I wasn't taking your emotions and feelings into consideration. There was totally a part of me that was just like, fuck it. I'm going to put this out and just like see what happens and was hurt. And like I was and also I again taking like all of the accountability in the ways our relationship didn't work out. So I'm not this is not like being victim or that I was.

No, but I was felt was broken up with. But yeah, you moved on really fast. Yeah, that's fair. There was like you moved on really quick and it fucked me up. But also you we had been back and forth for so long that it's like you of course you deserve to like there's no there's no right and wrong timeline of when someone gets to move on. You're allowed to be hurt. But you moved on so fast. And even though I know all the ways that I contributed to our breakup, I was so heartbroken.

I was so heartbroken. I could cry thinking about how heartbroken I was at that time. And I wrote that song. And so I don't... And I don't... And I meant it. And I meant it in that way. I meant it in like, yeah, I get it. I would too. But also, like, I don't have regrets of writing it. I do have regrets of releasing it. I would go back and I would not put that song out. And I'm so sorry for all of the ways...

That it hurt you for all of the ways that it wrecked havoc in your life. For any of the pain that it created. I'm so sorry. And I like fully... And I fully own that. I appreciate that. And I'm sorry for hurting you. Thank you. And I care about you so deeply. Thank you. I forgive you also. Thanks. But... Which we can...

I think what happened too when all of that was happening and the fact that we hadn't seen each other and we hadn't talked to each other. Also, thank you for saying sorry. But thank you for accepting my apology. You're welcome. Just keep going. Thank you for forgiving me. Can I give you a hug? God, we're so drama. The hug that broke the internet. No more hugging. Which we should also talk about. No more songs and no more hugging for us. Okay. Okay.

No, we can hug. I just won't write any more songs. Okay, fair. No, that's what- I did write one more. When? No, it's already out. Oh, okay. Fuck. It's already out. Okay. Don't worry. I wasn't about to. I wrote a song called Doing Better that came out, which is a response to that whole time of the era, that era in my life of me being like,

Making fun of myself of all the ways that I was kind of like acting cocky and acting out. And I was getting to perform that song in all these places and do all these things with it. But yet I just felt like such shit on the inside. And yeah, it's like, look at me. I'm doing all these things. But like, why does better feel worse? Mm hmm.

and a follow-up to a song of mine called Better Version, which, by the way, listened... Have you listened to... Have you ever listened to my album? That's a good question. Make sure we're recording before I answer it. Yeah, yeah. I've listened to it now. You have? I didn't until recently. I read it. I read the lyrics on Genius or something when it came out. Do you like it? Like my album? Yeah.

Did you like it? Do you love it? I like the beat. I just pulled my neck out. Are you okay? No. Yeah. But what I wanted to say about all that too is...

Because we weren't seeing each other in real life, we literally did not see each other one time anywhere ever. We never ran into each other once. Not at a bar, not at a grocery store. Not one literal time. Do you know actually there was one time... That you thought you saw me? No. There was one time that you and I missed each other within seconds in a BevMo. What? And I... Oh my God, because Alex... Yes. Did he know? Yeah, because Alex was talking to both of us. And...

I had just, and it was so weird. I could feel, I like could feel you. That's so weird. And I was like, I feel like Shannon's around. And I left. And then you went in like 10 seconds later. Literally. Yeah. I did. I know. Yeah. So we didn't see each other for four years. For four years. Yeah. Three and a half years. Yeah. We did not see each other. Never ran into each other once. The first time we run into each other. And we'd stop. I hadn't spoken to you at all since the song came out.

No. At this point. Like we had, there'd been some, we didn't talk, but like.

When you were on Ellen. Were you on Ellen? Hey, what have you been doing? You've been on Ellen. Did you go on Ellen's show once? Ellen DeGeneres? Did you? I was on Ellen. Okay. I was on Ellen and then it was like Alex's birthday. Yeah. And it was just like we texted like twice. Just to be like congrats. And you were like congrats on Ellen. And then I was like, do you want to come to Alex's birthday? She would love to have you there. And that's it. Yeah. That's all we really talked.

So crazy. And then the song comes out. Then I was like, no, I'm not talking to you at all anymore. And then I go to the Taylor Swift concert and the heiress tour. I see John, your manager. And I'm like, hey, John, not thinking anything of it. And sitting next to him with a glass like this, you pull your glass down and it was you. And I was like,

oh my god of course and also of course I don't know what I was thinking why would John be there with that I just was not even I was just like oh my god hey John and then I heard your voice and I heard somebody go hi John and I look and I see your face there what what was that what happened in your body what happened for you I just realized it was me I was shocked I was like weird but the weirdest feeling that I felt from all of it

was that I feel like you had become a character in a story. Like you had become Fletcher to me and you had become who I saw through social media, who I saw on TikTok, who I saw in music. Like you were not like Carrie at all. You were this like character and you were the bad guy in my story. Like in all the stories I told for a while. That's a lyric. Yeah.

No. I'm kidding. No more. No more. No. Okay, but. So then when I saw you and then when we hugged,

crazy i in i'm not kidding in my soul that day i literally was like i'm done now like i forgive it's not even we didn't even talk we barely spoke we literally like hey how are you good to see you crazy that you're here and then i was like i'm gonna go watch the show now it was that's how fast that interaction was but like in my body i just was like okay that's enough now i'm i'm okay now i'm done

Because holding like anger towards someone or like that level of like hurt feelings towards someone, it was doing nothing but hurting me at the end of the day. It's not even like it was like I wasn't even communicating to you how I was feeling. So it was like, what is the point of this? It only is hurting me. So it was like a great lesson on forgiveness. And also...

You can forgive people without being like, and what you did is okay. I forgave you for me. Yeah. But now after seeing you and talking to you, I'm like, I also want to forgive you for you because I care about you and I remember like who you are and you are still that person, which is nice to know.

because i let you become something completely different yeah i'm like even when i saw you the other day because then we don't see each other again by the way forever and ever and ever and when i saw you the other day i was like literally all i felt i was just like that's my friend carrie like that's just my friend i know i know that girl like seeing you at airs where i was like oh my fucking god and seeing you the other day i was like yeah that's just that girl carrie

Which is crazy because I'm like, wow, I would not have, I would not believe we'd be sitting here if you told me that a year ago. I'd be like, no fucking way. No, I remember, I remember finding like a moment of, because I, it was, it was causing me so much turmoil. This, what had happened and feeling it, even though we weren't not speaking and not communicating all the ways that there was just this insanely negative energy that

i i literally got sick i was like diagnosed with lyme disease last year i'm not laughing i'm not we're both laughing so i'm not laughing yeah but at the fact that i got i got so sick i just was storing it's how you were saying when you store all these emotions in your body they they manifest they like add up into it adds up and it manifests and of course there's so much else that goes into like illness of course but

it's all, it's all a part of it. And I got really sick and I just was like watching my body, just like everything kind of fall apart. And I was like, no, I'm sitting with so much sadness and regret and like so many emotions that just need to get out and be processed. But I also remember having to have a moment of like,

I don't think I'll ever see her again. And had to find that like peace there and also find that forgiveness and hope that one day I could express to you my emotions on it and apologize and take accountability and move past it. Because I also...

like at the core of our relationship like yeah we were super in love but also at the core of our relationship was like such a an amazing friendship classic woman loving woman besties besties history will say they were best friends yeah and so when i ran into you at the arrows tour i my heart i just my heart sunk i hadn't seen you in so long i was so nervous

And then we talked and I had a similar feeling of just like, honestly, I was like, oh, I was like, well, she doesn't hate me. And it was a shock to me, too, to realize you didn't hate me. Yeah.

I was like, oh, God. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look what we have here. I don't hate her. And then I went home and I went to the studio the next day. Oh, my God. Everyone on Twitter was like, that's every tweet I got. I woke up and it was all over TikTok, us hugging. I know. For the first time. The best part is...

I went to your house to pick up a hard drive of the sex tapes. Yeah, I know. You gave me a hard drive and like a box of my shit. And told you I was dating someone. And told me that was brutal. And you think that you weren't going to be my muse for the next few years? I knew I was going to be.

Fair. Fair, fair, fair, fair, fair. No. But yeah, you handed me a hard drive with the sex tapes. Yep, that was crazy. In a box of my stuff. And you're like, I'm dating someone else. Okay, I was much gentler. You were nicer than that. You were more gentle. You were more gentle. Yeah, but it is the truth. Yeah. So where do we go from here? The Erez tour. So yeah, the Erez tour. We saw each other, hugged, went. That was everywhere. And then I went to the studio the next day and I wrote a song called Erez of Us. And it was...

How are you doing? Where have you been? I've been practicing this moment, but I never thought I'd see you again. I didn't either. We really were not running in the same circles. Clearly not. Can't believe it. We ran into each other at all. Did you ever, um, we just took a quick intermission. Yep. And we're back. And we're back, baby. Did you ever communicate with me via playlists? Like, I feel like when we broke up, we had a...

We had a phase. I definitely be, I communicate. You do that in general. It's like your love language. Yeah, I got a couple. The thing about me is I'm loving, I can't stop. You just have a, you have a full, what did you say before? You've got one speed. I've got one speed. Full force ahead of me. Full throttle. Full throttle.

Should we get back to it? So anyway, we wanted to say, aside from the interpersonal and personal aftermath of said viral song of yours, can we talk about the TikTok response? How was that for you when that was going lesbian apocalypse? Yeah, it was crazy. There was all these articles being written about it, and then there was the whole...

the lesbian apocalypse of breakups. People were breaking up. People, everybody was breaking up. There was all these pie charts. Oh my God. Jojo Siwa was involved. All, and then there was all these different couples. The like mom who was like teaching her kid. She's like, and this is the artist and this is the, and this is the song and this is what happened and she used to date her and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Isn't it annoying how much people get wrong? Because it makes me mad. Well, I think it's just wild to see theories, everybody's theories that they have. Yeah. About everything about couples. I hate when they're right because sometimes they are. And sometimes it's crazy. And then other times like I'm thinking about the craziest thing and I'm curious what yours is. Of the craziest thing that you've read about us on the internet or the craziest rumor you've heard or anything.

I mean, so many crazy ones. What's yours? You have one. That we were engaged. Oh, yeah. That we were... The diamond ring that was meant to... I don't know. I don't know about it. The craziest one was that we were engaged. Yeah. Well, they thought we were announcing our engagement too. But then that lyric in that song about like the diamond ring. I'm gonna give it to you.

Did you have any point in that? Or is that just classic? The lyric is basic. It's like me being like, are you going to... Your future wife. Like that was, you know. Yeah. But people thought that we had a ring. Like that there was a literal ring. There was no ring. Don't worry. There was never a ring. Also, while we're here. What? How on earth was I walking sideways? That is insane.

It's not all real. I know. But this was what it was. Somebody saw you out. And I was walking sideways. Somebody saw you out and was just like, oh, like, you know, they were all over each other. And so where did you go? You just, it's all, it's all, it's all, sometimes it's dramatic.

Every time I think about it, I'm like, what? Was I getting like dicked out? I also didn't come up with that lyric. That is like... There's also four writers. There's also... Were they men? No, there wasn't four writers in the room. There were two male writers on the song. There was a male writer in that room. Yes. Okay, so lesbian TikTok. The chaos. There was chaos. The breakups. And then there was some lean in. You made some t-shirts. I made t-shirts. I made a couple TikToks. I tweeted. I tweeted.

See, when you, yeah, I know. Empath of the year. Oh, no, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. An empath would never. I deleted it, by the way. Thank you. That really hurt. But I understand. Wait, also, when you made that TikTok. Which one? See, when you made the t-shirts, I was like, oh, we're playing. I was like, we're playing. Yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, we're playing here. And then I bought a shirt. Yeah.

and then i was like no for you i was i had had two margaritas that day one margarita i'm gonna open my leg two margaritas i'm gonna refund you i had i yeah i was like no way not today and that that is the one tiktok that i'm like i wish i didn't make that but

The shirts were, in my opinion, just a way to, it was a lemonade out of lemon situation. That's what I was trying to do. And in a sense, like it was like a little bit of control. Like I was trying to take a little bit of control, but then that went out of control. And I knew it was going to play into it a little bit.

It's hard. It was hard to navigate. I didn't know. I didn't. I also didn't want to be promoting your song. I was mad about it. But people were talking about it either way. And then, yeah, I mean, that was like I was you made, I promise, a million times more money than I did on all of that. How much did you make from your shirts? Enough to go to Europe. And that's all. That was the plan. I was like, I'm going to sell them and then go on a trip.

and then not think about it for a minute and be able to like get away because that was another part of it that also like was terrible is everywhere I went everyone wanted to talk about it. I hang out with like 99% queer people so everyone knew and then I was going out to like bars or restaurants or seeing people running into people and it was like you could I could feel people itching to talk about it to be like

what's up with it do you know about this okay and it fueled my anger because people would be like yeah that's fucked up or like but it's like or even if they were playing devil's advocate or gassing me up it would make me mad because like both were just like i think by the end of it i was just like i don't want to talk about this anymore yeah it was like

And then I couldn't go online. Again, you not being able to have your own narrative. Yeah. And then I had a therapist at the time who was like, just vlog off. Like, Danielle, you're so sweet. What does your therapist think about this? Me on your podcast. So again, I'm not sure Hillary is understanding. It's hard to give them enough context. I'm like, can you log on? I'll send you some links. I need you to like,

I need you to log on. You're going to need to watch these TikToks. And then this. And then we can talk about this. We can send some of those viral TikToks. Yeah, so they can understand. Because I feel like I try to explain it and they're like, okay, yeah, that must be tough. That must be, that must feel overwhelming. And then it's like, I don't know. I feel like they don't. And how could they ever? How could anyone? Like it's, unless you're in it.

Which also was a good thing to start reminding myself of as time went on. That like really at the end of the day, only lesbians and like queer people really cared that much about the drama or like about what was going on. And it wasn't like reaching outside. Like many people have heard that song not knowing who it's about. Many people, obviously. And once I started to try to just be like, okay.

I need to not think about it with so much gravity. Does that make sense? When you get out to the straight world, they're like, who team, who and who and who, which that was the other thing that was really hard. I think for me was just seeing all of the, seeing all of the, the teams and everybody putting different things, putting things on different sides. And I was like,

It was never my intention for there to be like such an extreme, there to be like teams and people choosing sides. And it just was a narrative that just got so taken out of proportion. Granted, I seeded that for sure. But yeah, watching it kind of just like run away was really overwhelming. And I would definitely do so much differently. Yeah. And yeah, not release that. Agreed.

I would not release that too. Okay. Do you want to know? I actually did want to talk about one other thing and then we'll do this thing. But like no one has ever seen us sit in front of a camera and like talk about our relationship, talk like this. But people saw a lot of that from my first relationship. And but what's weird is we did feed them content. We did feed them things, but it was more like art. So there was so much more content.

like filling in gaps, I feel, from fans. And I think that is why, I think that's a part of why this like storyline has perpetuated so much longer in a way, like where people are really like, oh my God, will they, won't they, did they, do they, did they this? Will they ever again? Because they didn't know because we didn't say versus obviously I still get people are like heartbroken over my first relationship, but the feeling surrounding it feels different because I feel like there's more mystery here.

Which is why I wanted to do the podcast so that we could talk and take that veil down a little bit. So people can see like, this is our dynamic. We are friendly. We are friends. We are whatever. But it's not all the lore. There's so much lore between us. So much lore. So much lore because so much has been so unspoken. Yes. And even just reading into...

like reading people's comments over the years of just like, get over it, Fletcher. Get over her. Leave her alone. Move on. Which fair. Like, yes. But also, but also like, like love has been like, love has always been a muse for me. And like, it was such a transformative relationship that like,

I wrote about it for a while. And even when I was writing about it, even if I, like those, I was able to like,

into an emotion that I felt at one time. And so just because, you know, those songs, and don't worry, I'm not writing any more songs. They were true and they came from a place of truth, but also wanting, I think, a really big thing for you and I on this podcast today was wanting to like speak into like where we are currently at. Which is so different from where people think because they're just deciding. Yeah. This is the truth. And we're going to tell you the truth. What is it?

What is it, Chan? What is the truth? I don't know. Stop shipping us. Please. Please let me move on with my fucking life. Not you. Them. But you too. Wait. Wait. No. You too. You too. Everyone.

Enough is enough. We're moving on. Yeah. We've moved on. We've moved on. We've moved on. We have been moved on for a long time. We've moved on. Songs are songs and they're beautiful and they were true and came from such a place of truth. But also we are. Yeah, we close that. We close that chapter. We close that chapter in our lives. And I think are entering a new one of. I know. A friendship. A friendship. A friendship.

Which is so nice because then we never have to lose each other again. I know. I love you, Sham. I love you, Carrie. As a friend. As a friend. As a friend. As a friend. Why? It's so funny. Thank God. It feels much better. Like. I know. There's no. After years of so much turmoil of weirdness. It's like. Yeah. At least for us.

But hopefully for y'all too. Let's all move on together. This is a... Should we all take a deep breath? Release us. Let us go. I feel like that was really good. Yeah. Right? I think it was great. Okay. I think we did a good job. Leave us a comment below. How do you think we did? Girl who does not know how internet works. It's a podcast. It's a podcast. Leave comments in the link below.

10 out of 10 would you rate good bad review it's a five five star comments okay should we play truth or drink yeah i have a little shot of tequila i have a sprite with but i don't know you're kind of not bubbles don't with you and your gut but you might need this are you calling me gas yolk okay truth or drink okay

I'm scared. Did you fucking... Are you gonna believe that? Yes. That sends me to another dimension. I know why. It's crazy. It's crazy. Okay, that was a joke. Did you ever cheat on me? No. Has my social media ever given you the ick? Um, no. You're pretty ickless. That can't not be true, but... No, maybe just...

Sometimes when I see you on your lack of leaning into dances. Okay. I'm like, just commit. I think that's where it was going to go. I'm like, I'm ready to take notes. That, okay. Next dance, I'll dance harder. Has my social media ever given you the ick? I know the answer. I've icked myself. Are you drinking? I feel like you can just say yes. Okay.

That was kind. Okay, next. We know what the drink means. Truth or what? How do your, do all of your friends hate me? No, they don't. They really don't. I think a lot of my friends, I think a lot of my friends saw me go through like a really tough time. And there was a moment where a lot of people were like not thrilled by you. Yeah. You know, but I don't think anyone ever, I never, I didn't want people to hate you. That's like such a...

spot to be in though too where you're also like I want people to be loyal to me but also like hate is it was such a personal experience that I was having you know that I'm like why would you be as upset as me like why would anyone be as upset as me in that moment you know or me and whatever I think that's just in general when something is personally affecting you you can't expect your friends to care as much as you do but like they do care about

More than like the normal person. Okay. Have you, do you watch my content? I muted you. She's not drinking. For a long time. I muted you for a long time. Fair. I think you're still muted. I unfollowed you. I know. But you still follow like my family. They didn't do it. Innocent bystanders.

Okay. Okay, I have a question. Okay. I feel wasted. I haven't taken a sip. Not even one. You're answering. Will you ever follow me back on Instagram, do you think? Yes, I probably will. Okay. I think when this comes out, I will. Cool. Shivers. Scary. Shivers down my spine. I'll follow you back, but I'm going to have to mute you.

I'll unmute you. Okay. Progress. Just because I didn't. But yeah, I've seen. I've looked at your TikTok. Nice. I've looked at your TikTok and your feeds. I can't not see you. Even when I've muted you. I'm like, okay. Just show up somewhere. It just is there. But yeah, I obviously see what you post. It's impossible not to. How many people have you slept with that I knew while we were together after?

How many? Ask me again. How many people that like I knew did you sleep with after we broke up? I'm thinking of one in particular that I know. So I'm like, there have to be others. You are allowed to drink also. Yeah. My first sip. You won't go light with the bubbles. Who have you hooked up with in the time that we have been open? Broken up.

Since we've broken up? Yeah. How many people? No, like who? Who? And then bleep names. Bleep them? Okay. You just really gotta bleep though. Yeah. How many people? Who have you since we've broken up? Okay, continue. Did I say that already? Yeah. Oh. There's something like crazy people. Oh, I hooked up with a porn star. Who? You did? Yeah. Okay, they spanked me once. What?

Yeah, that trajectory makes sense. Was it crazy? I had a one night stand in Boston. I had a one night, that's the song lyric. I had a one night stand in Boston. The only one night stand I ever did have. Okay, I have one more. Okay. Would we, would we ever shoot something together ever again? Aside from this? Yeah. That's so good. What? That's so good. That was good.

I think that's good. I think that's good. I think we covered literally everything. I just, I'll say like as a final question, what does like, well also like what does the future look like for you? What is joy and success and your future? Like what do you want? That's a great question. I think, I think joy and success is something that's like really shifted so much for me after this. I took a lot of time off last year and was just really on a healing journey and

focusing on feeling better and I finished I wrote an album in that time in search of the antidote which comes out on March 22nd and and it was really it's really just like about like a deep healing journey and kind of just like processing so much a lot of like deep self-reflection and I think moving forward for me my definition of success is like really really shifted it's about

It's about facing yourself and like feeling all of the feelings and also just having like happiness and joy and fulfilling relationships. And it's not about the accolades and the applause and the numbers and all of the things. It's, you know, it's like getting to sit down and like have a real conversation with somebody that you love and care about and like connect from the heart. And I'm going on tour for like most of this year. So getting to just

Bring more of like more more of Carrie into everything. I think something that you said earlier when we were speaking is just yeah, like Fletcher became this like figment of your imagination and I feel like it became one of mine too even, you know, just this

Fletcher has like always been like a superhero version of me this like larger than life like thing that I always wanted to yeah it was like super confident and all the things and I think Carrie got like pushed aside in a lot of ways and so this album is like a lot of Carrie and so that's been like a big redefinition of success and joy and it also just feels really sweet to have you

like reiterate that of even just like seeing me and being like yeah that's carrie yeah to feel more aligned also because i feel like that could be confusing to be so to have such duality in yourself like that yeah and so joy just i'm like i am working on myself i'm healing i'm working on my attachment my attachment issues is the healing in the room with us is the healing in the room

I would say, I would say the healing. People comment that on your stuff all the time. I know. People are like, she's never healed a day in her life. I'm like, guys, it's not, it's not all that you see. It's not all that you see. It's not linear. It's also all of it. Yeah. So true. It's gotta be, it's gotta be all of it. It's gotta be all of it. And it's like, yeah. So I think that's, that's my future sounds bright for you. Thank you. And I still want your dreams to come true.

I would love them to be not at my expense anymore though. Yeah, no, I think we're good. I think we moved on. I think we're safe there. I think so too. What about you? What is success? Where are you at in life? What are you...

Success and joy. You're doing cool things. That's so nice. You're shooting really cool things. Every time I see you, like a new billboard or something that you shot, like the photo of Ariana that you took up in Times Square. So crazy. Geekin'. So nice. Thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah, I think I just want to keep making art. I keep being representation and creating representation at the same time and letting myself...

do both. I think there was a time in my life where I thought I had to choose. Like I thought I had to either be making the art that is the representation or like being the representation myself, like being the influencer, being the person, being the like on camera person or behind camera person. Like I thought I had to pick. And I think for me now, like my future and what I think is joy and success is finding a marriage between both and knowing that

one doesn't take away from the other and one doesn't make the other less I don't know important or like less cool I think for a while I thought like being an influence I got scared that being an influencer wasn't cool anymore and I had a lot of like voices in my ear telling me that like you have to be the creative director you have to be the director you have to be the photographer like you can't be both and I'm like no I can be both and I want to be both

Oh yeah. You get to do it all. You get to do it all. You get to be it all. Yeah. And just getting to express yourself and yeah. Make art. Make cool. I want to make cool shit and I want it to be gay as fuck. Are we finishing this? No. I can't see you. That's a big boy. Okay. Wow. That's pretty good though honestly. Fuck sorry. You need a new mattress anyway.

You're so right. Okay. Okay, guys. Thank you so much for watching X's and O's. I'm your host, Shannon Beveridge. And today, yeah, Carrie Fletcher. She came. She saw. She spoke. She is. Here she is. I thought you were going to say she came, she saw, she conquered.

She conquered. We did a good job. Yeah, listen to her new album coming out March 22nd and know that we have, we're good. We're good. No beef. We're good. No beef. All is well in girl world. All is healing. It's all love. That song's not even about me. No, it's not. No more. No more songs. Love you guys so much. Thank you, Carrie. Thank you, Shan. Crazy. Crazy.

We should not be allowed to be on camera together. We learned no lessons. We learned the hard way, but new chapter. New chapter. Begins now. This is living. Living.

Okay, just a reminder again, because I didn't film an outro, there is a new video on Patreon right now. It's the bloopers from this video, from this whole podcast, the part one and part two. It's all the bloopers that you didn't get to see that I edited out. So if you want to watch it, you can go to my Patreon, www.patreon.com slash nowthisisliving and subscribe. It's $5 and you get access to any and everything I post on there and there will always be extra content from every single episode. So

get on over there all right love you hope you enjoyed the episode bye