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My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

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Unseeing.

Welcome to the Mayfair Watchers Society. So, as of yesterday, I'm officially here on the free land. I couldn't tow the whole cabin, so right now it's in pieces. But the guys are coming and we're gonna put it together at the site. I barely got any sleep last night in the hotel. My brain just couldn't stop. Some part of me thinks this is still too good to be true.

The radio completely cut out like three turns back if I turn it on. That is freaky too. The stations failed in sequence. One by one there was no R&B, no pop, no classic rock. I think the last one I could listen to was clearly the local Christian choir. They love Jesus out here, man.

It's been quiet past that point, which is, like, something that I haven't ever had. Not in my life. None of us have had that, really. So-called civilization bombards us with noise until we've been domesticated. It's like all of us are that baby that those scientists showed a white rabbit to, and then they scream and yell so he thinks the rabbit's, like, the reason he's afraid. It's kind of like that.

Anyway, I didn't want to wait until I got there to start making notes and it's easier to do it this way. I can keep driving, I can talk to something. This part will still go in the book, I'll just ignore the technology for now.

Normally I'd be worried about the battery running down, but I'll be getting free solar from the cabin when it's finished. I'll have all the electricity I need. No internet, of course. I don't want that, but... But I'll still be able to process words. Process thoughts. Process life, really. I'm on the site now. The guys said they couldn't come over until the weekend. I can't really set up the cabin alone, so... Looks like I'll be spending the next two nights in the truck. I probably won't record too much, but...

I wanted to be able to refer back to this for my notes. I'll switch to pencil and paper when I go hiking. Not even gonna touch the cooler. Though, I'll probably have to take a drive into town tomorrow to get more ice. Might as well fill the tank while I'm at it. Some fresh air would be worth it in the meantime. I think I'll get the lay of the land while it's still light out. Okay. So I just walked through the most beautiful forest I have ever seen in my life.

I didn't even see one beer bottle or even a piece of glass. Untouched wilderness. It's truly remarkable. There was a stream, too. I took a dip for a while. Then I climbed this mountain. It was probably more like a hill, but the view at the top made it feel like a mountain. I didn't see a single building anywhere. This is everything I've ever needed, and I get to live in it like crazy.

Like, just be an animal with a house. As long as we're warm, got food and water, shouldn't matter if we're like everyone else. It's not natural for us to be having panic attacks when the Wi-Fi goes out. They've trapped us like that. And they can stay there if they want, like for a hundred years, if they think it will do the collective any good. But I don't have to participate anymore in that, in all of that. And that's my right. I have free will.

Day two, thriving. It feels like I just quit smoking. You know how they say after even a few hours without a cigarette, you're breathing easier? It's just like that. All those people out there killing themselves with the rat race, with college degrees, overtime, and for what? Money? I'm out here earning mental wealth, the currency you can never run out of. I just saw a condor. Beautiful.

I really can't wait to have the guys up here. James didn't believe me when I told him how clean the water was. That motherfucker has never seen a fish outside of a sushi roll. And Marv's been non-stop on the grind over in New York. Some soulless dead-end Wall Street hustle. It's gotta be killing him, dude. I'd be miserable over there. Everything to do and nothing to do. For real. Shit. This is getting steep. I should probably head back.

Lots of construction work tomorrow. Don't want to throw a hammy, make myself a weak link. They'd never let me live that shit down. Okay, okay. I'm really straining the batteries here, but I had to see if I could capture this. Did you hear that? Hold on. I'm going to roll down the window. What is that? I think it's a bird, but it's not like the condor before. Could be an owl since it's ass o'clock in the morning. It's always the fucking owls. Hello, neighbor!

They're welcoming me. Nice community, really. God damn. They got whole different animals out here. This is nature, man. The real shit. And? We've got 3% battery. Okay, then. If I die tonight, it was probably aliens. Catch you on the flip side.

Yo, Art, we're recording a podcast now? Maybe we can get some of that ball-watching stuff they're always hawking. Cause I'm feeling swampy down there. Yeah, no. Just celebrating that we got it done. For posterity. I got it done. All you guys did was build up a farmer's tan. Where's the love, man? We were cheering for you the whole time. A toast to our friend James!

Braver than the troops and a bigger virgin than Mary. Hear, hear. Up yours, guys. Unleash the power of the sun. Remember that? That takes me back. And hey, your boy is all solar now. I can unleash all the sun power I want. Also, for the record, I would kill both of you for some fruit gushers right now. No hesitation. For gushers, man, I'd gladly give my life.

Speaking of gushing, tell us all about it. Getting druidic out here or what? Nah, man, he's trying to get in touch with himself while he writes his manifesto. Hey, I bet you could tell him a thing or two about getting in touch with himself. Yeah. I built this cabin, and I can unbuild it. Tell you the truth, guys, it's been fucking great. I've never felt more myself in my life. Well, I'm happy for you, man.

I guess. You guess? I just told you, Marv. This is what I want. I know. But it's still new. Like, man, it's incredible, but... All of the information on how this is working for me is available to you, so I don't get why... I think what Marvin is saying is that this is groundbreaking. Nobody we know has done anything like this. What can I say? I'm a trailblazer.

Hey, speaking of Blaze, shut off that laptop and I'll grab your housewarming gift. You for real don't have Wi-Fi out here? Jesus Christ, man. Hey, hey, shut up for a second. I had a profound thought. I gotta record this. How old are you, man? Old enough to party. We let what divides us define us, not what connects us.

Human culture, the very nature of human identity and of the self, is defined by separation, not unity. Is that going in the book? It's all going in the book, man. That's why I'm recording it.

A modern day Thoreau. X-fucking-for-real, my guy. This is my Walden. See, Thoreau knew what's up. You gotta truly lose yourself before you can find yourself. Didn't Eminem say that? Nah, you're thinking of Ralph Waldo Eminem. Huh. I've never heard his full name before. So Marv, how's New York? Still noisy, overcrowded, and polluted?

You know it, but I get up every off day at 10 a.m. and I come back to my apartment at 10 p.m. and between that I've seen the fucking world. I still need to come up and visit you. Jamesy in the Big Apple. Maybe we could find you an east side girl or a decent haircut. Who says it has to be a girl? No shit, really. Right on, man.

listen this guy i work with knows this amazing bar down in chelsea weren't we going to talk about the book we'll get to it man anyway james because it's kind of the reason i got you guys down here just saying really i thought you brought us down here for free labor it's not like you could have done this on your own it was a team effort man i thought we'd hang out after

I didn't know why you're making such a big deal out of it. Art, where is this coming from, man? You just said you were happy. This might be the last time I get to see you guys for a while. The least you can do is be here. You know, present, with me. You can plan your big NYC trip on your own time. I'm going for a walk. James. Don't wander too far, buddy. Some real freaks live out here. Man, what the fuck?

James was literally coming out to us, and you're still on your Grizzly Man bullshit. That was a huge moment for him. This is a huge moment for me. Besides, he'll get to figure himself out when he gets to New York. I'm doing it right now. You actually think it's the same? You know how much I struggled at school, dude. I was not meant to be there. I get that, man, really. And I'm glad you got out. But don't you think this is a little extreme?

Yeah, that's the point. You've got to do extreme things in the interest of self-discovery. Listen to yourself, dude. You sound like the one Heaven's Gate guy they kept alive to run the website. This is nuts. You wouldn't get it, man. They got your number over in finance. How's the hashtag crypto lifestyle treating you, by the way? It's thanks to people like you that places like this are disappearing. No need to get hostile, man. When you said you were actually doing this, I drove eight hours because...

Because being there for you was important. I didn't come to bust my ass putting together a tiny home or get high. I came to see my best friend stick to his guns. I'm such a dick, man. Now you're getting it. How's that for self-discovery? Whoa, James. Don't bust the place up. That's quality craftsmanship. Holy fuck.

Are you still recording? Hey, James, man, I'm really sorry. Those super brave have shut up. Both of you, quiet. Kill the lights and shut the blinds. Get low. Oh, it's that kind of party now. Sorry, bad timing. We're both very proud of you. Shh. What the fuck? Quickly. It's Monday morning. My first Monday as a free man.

Marvin James left last night after the noise. They tried to convince me to drive back with them, but that'd mean leaving the cabin. This thing's expensive, man. Nothing happened, anyway. James just heard that bird again and freaked out. I love the guy, but he's not cut out to be a naturalist. Back when I lived with him, he couldn't even make direct eye contact with his own house cat.

Marv is better at talking to people. He was able to get a little more from James after the freakout. He texted me today that James had seen something, or at least thought he saw something. Like, a bear, maybe? The way he described it, it sounded more like he just saw a weird-shaped rock and got the willies. That was pretty late, and we were pretty high. All in all, I guess I shouldn't be that surprised at how well I'm handling this.

It makes sense that those guys wouldn't be ready for this life. City makes you jump at every noise. A car horn, an angry drunk, gunshots. I'll take the occasional horny elk over that racket. It's been tough to concentrate today with all the shit that went down with the guys. It's not their fault. It totally fucked with my focus. We didn't even go to the stream while they were here. Now I need to recenter myself. Woods are really quiet today. Peaceful, but quiet.

I thought I'd see a bit more wildlife action, but it looks like all the animals were scared off last night. I hope it isn't because of me. Cabin's supposed to be a non-intrusive, sustainable structure if it's making the animals not want to be around. I don't... Hello? What do we got over here? What is... There's something really fucking weird growing out of this tree. I don't know if it's like rust or some kind of fungus. It's pearly white, kind of looks like a...

Giant beak. Not from a bird, no. Think like an octopus or squid, I think. Oh man, it's so bizarre. Whatever that is, it's alive. The whole thing is moving really slowly. Like open and shut. Open and shut. Almost like that. Listen a little closer. Gotta get this on record. Eerie, right? Like it's trying to say something.

Speaking for the tree, I guess. Like a little orange guy from Dr. Seuss. Or maybe it's its own thing with its own voice. I don't know. Probably not my place to mess with it. Shit. You think maybe this is what James saw last night? He went further out here than I've ever been at night. I kind of want to look this thing up. Someone's had to have heard of it. I mean, it's right here. I know I shouldn't be so quick to get back online, but I'm curious. Trevor Henderson here with an ad break.

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And now, back to our show. Well, that was a whole day pissed away on a wild goose chase.

I went into town for a Wi-Fi and tried showing some people the pictures. Everyone kept saying it was probably the bones of some dead animal lodged in there. They didn't believe me when I said it was moving and making noises. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. What else is new? Am I right? Anyway, I'm feeling pretty low because I ate some shitty processed food while I was in town. I haven't gotten accustomed to cooking and foraging just yet, so bought an egg salad sandwich in a moment of weakness.

It's a learning curve, okay? Think I'll take that dump in the stream. Let the current wash away all my shame. At least something good will come of that. The sick thing is, I feel like I can still hear that thing on the tree. The noise it was making. Wasn't anything like what I heard the first night when the guys were here. I guess there's still a lot I don't know about. How fucked is that, man?

We live so close to places of natural beauty and nobody has any experience with any of it. You'd think somebody would know about this kind of thing, but I guess we're just that fucking disconnected. I actually heard of a few cases like that while I was still caged by all that modern living crap. There are beings in this world that nobody has an answer for. It's like nobody wants to look the truth in its face. And it's selfish.

It's a denial of everything that was put here for us to enjoy and experience. It's real. Mainly that. Mainly, it's real. I don't know what I'm saying. Sad day, dude. Horrible vibes. I think I might call it an early one. This is what? Day seven? Day eight? They can't all be winners. It's like 2A. Man, I can't get any fucking sleep. I feel like I need to say something.

I need to say something. I have to speak my mind. This is just ridiculous. Hello? Hey, listen. It's bedtime for me. Thanks. I'm not nocturnal, so... Can you please, just for tonight, just like, shut the fuck up? Right now? Please? I'm not disturbing you. I'm not messing with your ecosystem. I'm just existing here. And I want to do it as peacefully as possible. Who the fuck are you talking to?

Yelling at birds? You gotta get to sleep, man. It's uncool. You know what? That's my bed. You guys keep doing whatever you're about right now. I'm going to go back inside. Freezing my nipples off. Christ. Have a good night. Lovely stars we have right now. Uh, maybe look up or something. Got two, maybe like two and a half hours of rest last night. I don't know who or what those things are, but...

They like to party. I shouldn't call them things. That's really reductive. Makes me sound like I'm locked into the perspective of an ape. Things. Compared to me, they aren't lesser creatures, and this is their home, no less. I'm worried that I'm not being the most considerate guest right now. Which is natural, because I wasn't brought up with...

a abiding respect for the wilderness. I had to learn that, and I learned by looking, not by listening. Back in school, they always told me, Arthur, you need to take notes. Arthur, you need to listen better. Well, I am taking notes. I am listening. I just couldn't hear the real shit over you drowning everything out with your psychology and your film theory and your this and that and all this bullshit.

Maybe you should listen. Listen to yourself. Look at how you sound. Anyway, I decided to go a different route today to get to the stream. Didn't want to pass that weird fucking tree again. I don't need it distracting me. Whatever's going on there is its own business. I got my own shit to sort out. Live and let live. Someone should put that in a song. It's not that far now. Can't wait to dip myself in. I am one sweaty animal right now.

Fuck, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, okay, okay. Of course it'd be a bear in the stream. It's where they go to eat. I'm the odd one out here. It's right fucking there. It's terrifying. I don't know what I expected. Jesus. That thing is way bigger than I thought. Old, too. Like, its fur is totally gone white. I'm getting like fucking snow blindness trying to look at it.

It's just trying to fish, but like really trying, not doing it. I think it has to be sick or something. It keeps trying to put the fish in its mouth, but its mouth is its head. Oh God. I gotta, I gotta get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. Holy fuck. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh my God. Oh my God. I have nothing to answer for. I did what anyone else would do. Ran away from something bigger that wanted me dead.

It's obvious that bear was dying of something too. It wasn't natural. It was probably because of the same thing that was happening to the tree I saw yesterday. When I was a kid, my parents got me this goldfish. His name was Nugget. Love that little guy. He lived for 15 years, if you can believe it. Right up until my freshman year. He was as happy as a goldfish could be, but in the last year, he caught the ick. It was like nature just flipped a switch and decided...

Time to die. Everything about him changed instantly. He just gave up. Swam upside down for two full weeks before he finally hit the surface. That was it, man. No more Nugget. The ick won. It's crazy, but I came out here to get away from people. And I don't think I really have. Because like, and I know how it sounds. But those things out there, they're people too.

I mean, they don't sound it, clearly, but I feel like I can understand them. What they want, like, in a way beyond words. I think they're like me. The place they came from is far away. But they didn't like it there. It wasn't their thing, you know? They needed to make a place for themselves. To be themselves. And just like me, they needed a home. It shouldn't be so uncomfortable just because they're different. Hell, I'm different.

We had the exact same idea. Like, we're both supposed to be here. I'm not going to leave, and I'm not going to make them leave. That wouldn't be fair. We'll just learn to live with each other, I guess. But, like, could I even make them leave if I wanted to? Open and shut. Open and shut. Open and shut shut. God! We've got to... Are you kidding me?

Get the fuck out! There! There we fucking go! Go home! Christ! There's so much blood! Was that thing wounded? It broke the teapot. It hit its head, I think. And there's... On the floor. Oh, shit. That's my blood. There's blood in my sheets. Fucker bit me. Whatever that was last night. It dropped some... Friends? Is that accurate to say?

There's some of that icky stuff on the side of the cabin. It's even on the wheels of the truck. Only this time, it isn't moving. Most likely that means it's dead, but I don't know. How can you know something is dead if you don't know how it lives? Just found more. They're not attached to anything at all. A bunch of them just bleaching in the sun. You'd think they were made of porcelain or something from a distance, but no. Dead things. Never had a chance, I guess. No home or...

"'Hope. I have this awful rash where it touched me. Full-on broke the skin, too. I poured some peroxide on it, wrapped it in gauze. I could lie and say that it helped with the itching, but really I just didn't want to look at it. For as stone-dead as the ones on the truck are, I think they'd lacerate the tires if I tried to pry them off. And also, with what? That's the question of the day. All the power tools went with James.'

Who am I supposed to call about something like this? There's no ranger out here. It's just me. I'm completely alone out here. Town would be two days at least. If I was a gold medalist sprinter. Thank God the door was still on its hinges. I have shelter at least. Home sweet home, coming in clutch. I'll just barricade it with something. That shit's not gonna happen twice. Believe me. Fuck, this stinks. I gotta treat this before it gets any worse.

Well, there's your problem. I was being way too squeamish about this. Which you can't do in this situation. Not if you want to live through shit like this. On my second look, I found one of its teeth just way deep in there. It was a motherfucker digging that shit out, but it doesn't itch anymore. In fact, it feels a lot better. Didn't even bleed that much either. It was like, what is it when you find a scab deep inside?

On the surface it's still pale, but that's to be expected with the loss of blood. Color should return in a few hours, once the flow is normative again. The point is, I ripped out the part that rots. Now, the healing can begin. Think I'll take it easy for a while. Physically I'm good, but I'm so fried. That was a stressful situation, man. And like, I can't even be mad at the deer that got in here. There's no way he was having a better night than me.

We all just need company sometimes. Connections. Community. Animals feel that more than we do. They sense that shit. Drawn to it. I'm a man in the woods, and now the woods are part of the man. It's like, not that bad. Genuinely. No worse than hazing. Marv told me the kind of shit he had to do to get into Sigma Chi. Pulling teeth is lightweight shit. I'm hungry as a fucking bastard. Looks like it's time to brush up on my Iron Chef skills.

so i thought about it and i decided it might be good for me to go visit the tree not to like avenge my wound man how could you we were neighbors i just think that maybe i should put them in the book hell it could even be about them i mean every great thinker showed the world something they'd never seen before

Maybe my purpose is to remind people what's really out there. Seriously. It's a real bum rap that they're alive and present and nobody wants to even acknowledge it. That's gotta hurt. I mean, they have feelings too. Crying out every night for a bit of positive attention? Is it too much to ask for a little sympathy? I know this. I get it, man. They have a hard life. They need to connect to other shit.

Other shit that's alive and growing just to like barely cling to whatever time they've got. And even then, the world doesn't respect that. Nature isn't having it. That bear doesn't want them, but they need it. Just like we need each other. It's so simple. We've all forgotten.

Because the freaks and rat bucks who decided it had to be one-way thought. If it was simple, it was worth crushing into tiny pieces. So we're surrounded by that want for love, but not its authentic, holistic form. It's like the shards of it. The sharp pieces that broke off when they made it ugly and twisted. And now we're all stepping in it. Cutting ourselves and our world the fuck up. Because we see where the love used to be.

And we can't stop leaning into it. Even though it hurts. Hi, honey. I'm home. So I'm just checking in. Wanted to see how you're spending your time. Looks like you've had a bit of a growth spurt. Yeah, man. Wow, you've really shot up. And like, I gotta say, I like it. You're beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. That's what you fucking are, right?

I didn't think of it because it's so far inland, but you're a load of barnacles. Yeah. The tiny castle in Nugget's fishbowl had barnacles on it. Plastic ones, right? But, of course. But I remember them. You don't know about Nugget. Or wait, do you? Yeah, you might. You know me now. I'm still new around here, but I really appreciate you reaching out. For real. I know I can be kind of a dick, but I'm not that bad once you get to know me.

Not that anyone but me has ever said that. Yeah, right on. This has been fun. I should probably get back to my hike. I'd invite you to come along, but you're doing your own thing right now. And I respect that. And it's working for you. Well, bye. Let's do this again sometime. You know where to find me. Sorry, just full of energy right now. Goodbye again. That's a chapter of the book. For real. For real.

For fucking real. Woo! Hello again. Just had another profound thought. I can do this. You know that? Because I didn't know that until like exactly today. All this work I put in. Making this home. Saying my farewells to it all. That was a show, man. Took the wheel and steered into the skid. Like, that was how it had to be. The universe was bringing me here. To this place.

so i could bear witness to this miracle of nature this life isn't really something we can control is it it's a machine without a pilot i used to think being connected meant being aware of the spiritual threads between individuals like it was all some complex web of strings and we're tangled up in it what the knots are us but we're not that we're not even the strings

We are a string. One. Just one long unbroken stream of life. Stretching infinitely in both directions. And we can either swim with the current. Let it take us to where we need to be. Or we can claw and thrash and resist our way upstream. But that's not ideal. We can't live like that. Nothing can. It's almost time now. It's almost time now. Just like that. Let me hear it. I'm present. I'm meek.

I'm everything I ever was. Everything that everything ever was. I feel humans. It's the other side, but the same. I feel it all in reverse. Open or shut. Open. Open. Open.

Thank you for listening, neighbor. Mayfair Watcher Society is based on the works of Trevor Henderson. Host was written by Henry Galley and Gus Zagarella. Arthur was played by Nate DeFore. Marv was played by Chud Nellius. James was played by Russ Moore. The dialogue editor was Daisy McNamara. The sound designer was Travis McMaster. And the music was by Matt Royberger. The showrunner is Pacific S. Obadiah.

and the creative director is me, Trevor Henderson. Produced by Tom Mullen and Brad Miska. A Bloody FM Show.