Exterminators
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My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

My friend's still laughing at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Hey, everyone. It's Trevor. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Mayfair Watchers Society.

As a reminder, we'll be off next week for a holiday break, but we'll be back on January 2nd with more episodes. If you like the show, consider giving us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Or tell a friend. Word of mouth is one of the best ways to get our show into the ears of new listeners. And now, this week's episode. We are The Watchers.

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Welcome to the Mayfair Watchers Society. Your role as a field outcome specialist is a rewarding one, but can be stressful and dangerous.

This is a series of instructional audio-visual presentations to prepare you for the most common situations you will find yourself in when operating in the field. The information you are about to receive is based on many years of experience and research in the field of invasive species and the strategies to employ when dealing with them. Not only will this knowledge make you more effective at your job, it could protect you from injury, legal repercussions, and even death.

Firstly, some terminology. You will be familiar with a term used for specialists like yourself and for the organization to which you belong. Please be aware this is not an official term, nor is it one that is to be used when dealing with clients or involved persons. You will not hear it in internal communications, nor should it be used between specialists. This is part of our communications policy, and it's to enhance clarity and prevent confusion.

This part of the instructional series concerns more common invasive species, which will comprise the bulk of your deployments. Make no mistake: just because a creature falls into one of these categories, that does not mean it is something frequently encountered by the public at large, nor is it guaranteed to match the guidelines given here.

Each example is different. The information gathered here is no substitute for observation, analysis, and good decision-making. We shall begin with the long nurse. Hey, it's your boy Tyler, interrupting Elona here to add a little real-world intel. I don't got as good a setup as the suits at HQ, so I'm gonna have to skimp on the visuals.

Technically, I'm not allowed to cut my own shit into official exterminator comms, but technically none of the stuff we see exists anyway. So sue me. First, exterminators. That's what we are. I'm one, you're one, the guy driving the 4x4 is one. Unless that's you, in which case, watch the road instead of watching this video, dickhead.

Everyone calls us that. We call each other that. Elona calls us that when she's not spouting official bullshit. Most importantly, the people who hire us call us that. You can tell yourself you're a field outcomes specialist or normalization practitioner or alternative biome containment engineer, but the people who are paying want an exterminator.

Don't worry. I'll let Elona continue. She's about to talk about the longnecks. You ever seen a longneck? You're about to. These assholes are everywhere. A longneck is a quadruped easily recognized by its elongated limbs and neck, small head, and slender torso. Some examples have short ears, tails, and other protrusions.

A few have been observed with six legs, but most have four. They range from one and a half meters to four meters in height. Their coloration is difficult to ascertain, as they are usually encountered at night. Longnecks are rarely a direct danger, but they can cause a great deal of trouble by interfering with agriculture or industry, causing damage to infrastructure and presenting a hazard to traffic.

While not aggressive, the larger examples are capable of trampling an unwary operator. A situation involving longnecks typically involves removing a number of them from a location where they are proving disruptive or dangerous. For example, a community may wish them gone because their presence on roadways at night is causing traffic accidents, or they may be present at an industrial site causing accidents and damaging equipment.

The psychological effect of longnecks is also significant. While they have no extra physical attributes that we have detected, their appearance is disconcerting. A herd of longnecks is particular to a location. A team of specialists must first track the reported encounters to develop a geographical profile of the herd. Then, narrow down the herd's most likely locations. This requires both research skills and patience.

Attempts to use electronic trackers, trail sensor networks, or drone observation have not been met with success, and there is no substitute for diligent fieldwork in tracking them down.

A long neck can be neutralized through traditional means, though this should always be done as discretely as possible, given the- Okay, first off, these things teleport. No, you'll never see it happen, and no, one won't appear behind you and bite your head off. But they get from one place to another without having to walk between. That's why sticking one of those ankle things on them doesn't work. HQ doesn't mention that straight off, which is why you need an old hand like me to show you the ropes.

Polona goes on to talk about discrete neutralization and all the paperwork and shit that goes along with it.

What she means is... you shoot them. Now, here's the thing. When you're creeping through the forest trying to find a bunch of weird hoof prints, and this thing looms out of the trees at you, it looks like a six-foot daddy-long-legs coming to suck the brain right out of you. But the moment you get it framed in your sights, it looks like freakin' Bambi. So shit. It looks like a knock-kneed baby deer looking at you begging for mercy.

My partner Susie told me a story from when her dad took her hunting and she froze up the first time she drew a bead on a coyote because it reminded her of her dog. Her dad tore her off a strip, told her that if she'd overcome it right then, she'd never hesitate again. Took her a long time before she could pull the trigger after that. Tyler's special guaranteed secret tech for this situation is... shoot them anyway.

Remember that every beef burger was a cute little calf, every sausage was babe, every hot wing was chicken little, and just shoot the thing. If you're vegetarian, sorry, I've got nothing for you. Except to say, maybe you haven't made the best career choice.

Longnecks are one of the easy ones, because they're more like animals than most invasives. But they have a real habit of leading you into a bunch of downed power lines or onto the railway tracks. Might just be superstition, but I gotta think it's deliberate. The Cernus test for a field specialist is a collab concerning an arboreal.

These creatures are at least semi-intelligent and highly dangerous, as well as being reclusive and adept at going unseen. They furthermore exhibit a variety of appearances and, while most commonly encountered as individuals, can form packs of up to five. An arboreal inhabits wild and forested areas and is typically covered in fur with coloration granting it excellent camouflage among the foliage.

It ranges from 5 to 8 feet in height and is usually bipedal and extremely strong. Variations include more or less human-like faces, long claws, tails, bat-like ears, and reverse-jointed legs.

Arboreals can be misidentified as bears and vice versa. At least one example exists of a hunter in a ghillie suit being neutralized by a field team in error after being misidentified as the arboreal they were pursuing. It is of paramount importance to confirm your targets in all situations, but in particular when dealing with this species.

A specialist must track an arboreal before neutralizing it. Fieldcraft is essential for this task, along with a thorough understanding of the individual creature's tracks, scat, and other signifiers. Since these differ in between individuals,

Gathering this data is the first stage of responding to a report of an arboreal. A specialist should also develop a thorough understanding of the locations the arboreal is most frequently seen. As while not bound to any one location, they do appear at specific places more frequently, creating the opportunities to ambush them or observe them through trail cameras.

The cultural context of an arboreal presents unique challenges. They are often identified with local legends and folklore, which can create inaccuracies in witness descriptions, and even create resistance to a specialist's activities in tracking and neutralizing an arboreal. Gauging local sentiment in this regard should be considered an essential part of procedure when dealing with such a deployment. They can't say it's Bigfoot, but it's Bigfoot.

Or Sasquatch, or the Skunk Ape, or whatever the locals call it. And yeah, there are hippies who think you should let it pick flowers out in the forest. But they're never the ones who have actually seen it, because this isn't a guy in a gorilla suit. It's a bucketload of mean in a monster-shaped mold.

The one I took down was the size of Andre the Giant and smelled like a truckload of expired pork bellies. I had to put four rifle rounds into it before it went down. I was following the blood trail for three hours before the last one. The blood had these little worms in it. Not sure if they were attracted to it or if they were in it to begin with.

I'd caught up to it by the side of a river. I backed it against the bank. It couldn't go any further. I'd only seen it from a distance until then. This was the first time I saw it up close. They're all different, but they all have that same... unwholesomeness about them.

this one had the fur dangling down in front of its face over its eyes and mouth but it wasn't fur it moved like fingers it was like looking at the underside of a crab i put the last bullet through its torso

It was a heart shot, I think, because it went down right away. The body just came apart. It fell into chunks that wriggled and thrashed. Some of them went into the river. Some of them crawled off through the undergrowth. Some of them burrowed into the ground. We monitored the area for the next six months, but it didn't come back. At least, not as an arboreal.

Times like that, in the middle of a forest miles from anywhere following the stink of that thing, I asked why I was there. Then, I remember, we all have a reason we're not doing a proper job. You know, that thing that explains why you're not flipping burgers, or watching a CCTV screen somewhere.

So I thought of Susie when the parts of that thing were wriggling away. Weird what goes on in your head, but there you go. Whatever your thing is, put up a wall around it. Leave a door in the wall, but only open it when the job's done and you're off the clock. You gotta work through that shit, or it'll hit you at the worst possible time.

But, yeah, alone is talking about how to kill Bigfoot. Not all the invasives will attack you, but this one will. So keep a backup gun in case things get up close. A large caliber revolver is my choice. Given the aggressive nature of the arboreal and the fact that many exist in small family groups, a specialist should ensure provisions are made to monitor local news sources and emergency services reports for further interactions between local people and arboreals.

The deployment should not be considered resolved until a period of time has elapsed during which no further interactions occur.

at which point the arboreals can be considered to be neutralized or to have left the area. When a specialist is deployed to deal with reports of a griever, it may seem a simple task. However, this invasive species poses real and unique challenges for which a specialist must be prepared. While many invasive species must be tracked down before they can be dealt with, a griever is linked to a very specific location.

Thoroughly securing this location and ensuring members of the public are kept away is the first priority. After which, dealing with the Griever itself can commence. The appearance of a Griever is deceptive. It may seem innocuous, even benign. But this is a highly dangerous camouflage that masks the creature's many dangers.

A graver consists of two vertical limbs joined at the top, clad in material variously described as "skin," "muscle," or "textile," always pale in color and with a torn or ragged appearance.

The creature resembles a pair of legs with no apparent feet, and ambulates in a similar way. In height, they can vary from a few inches to six feet, with smaller specimens always being encountered with a larger one. Grievers do not communicate in a way discernible to human observers, but it is possible they possess intelligence and can coordinate behavior among themselves. Grievers are non-physical invasives, which means traditional means of neutralization will not be effective.

Multiple encounters have demonstrated that physical force, including firearms, do not work, nor does the use of any chemicals or incendiary devices. Instead, grievers can be removed by disrupting the location to which they are attached. Structures present should be demolished, including basement floors and foundations, and the earth or rock should be dug up and filled in.

The exact nature of a griever's connection to a location, and consequently the level of disruption required, are uncertain. So, complete obliteration is the only way to be certain. The use of construction equipment such as bulldozers and backhoes is the most effective in majority of circumstances, though care should be kept to keep the operators of this equipment, usually local contractors, from learning the nature of the deployment.

Speed is essential when dealing with Grievers. While physically unthreatening, this species poses considerable psychological and metaphysical dangers which become more intense with time. Specialists should refer to the standard psychological casualty avoidance checklist to learn more. Trevor Henderson here with an ad break. If you'd like to get early and ad-free access to Mayfair Watchers Society, consider supporting us on the Apollo Podcast app.

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Hey, Tyler again. Elona seems pretty intent on getting you killed here. Maybe not killed, but whatever these things do to you, you don't come back, so it might as well be. They're sometimes called walkers or striders too, so if you hear another exterminator talking about taking down a nest of striders, this is what they mean.

What HQ doesn't admit is that these little bastards used to be people. Not sure where the first one comes from, but someone goes missing or dies, then a freaky white half-ghost thing is lurking around. Either they're drawn by the death and grief, or they're made out of whoever died or vanished. Not sure which is worse.

Hang around for too long, and you'll wake up kneeling and looking at the same point on the ground the Grievers are hanging around. Keep it up. And sooner rather than later, there's another Griever in the nest.

Sometimes, there are twelve or fifteen of them in the nest. The original as tall as a man, and the others tiny little things gathered around it in the world's creepiest prayer circle. It gets worse the longer it takes and the more people it draws in. HQ's advice holds here. You go scorched earth. Literally, if you can.

Tear everything down. Dig up the ground. Pull up the pipes and wires. Torch everything that'll burn.

A lot of the time it's someone's house, and they'll beg you just to make the weird legs in the basement or the yard go away. Don't listen. You have to rip it all down and not stop until there's no sign anything was ever there except the heap of dug-up earth. And do it quick. It'll grab you the moment you get there and work on you every second until it's done. It's not a feeling I can describe except to say you never want it again.

The Grievers are smart. They knew about Susie. I saw her face as soon as I got to the trailer park where we were sent. Covered in blood, her eyes open and blink. I swear those walking bastards reached right into my brain and pulled all that to the surface. I could smell the motor oil and hot metal.

I wanted to fall to my knees outside the trailer where the Griever appeared every few hours and just hang my head and cry. I would have done too if the rest of the team hadn't been there. We tore that place down. Three trailers, electrics, wastewater pipes made a bonfire tore up the ground. The Griever didn't come back and didn't get any buddies out of us. I'm sure what finally stopped it was the fire.

The presence of smilers is difficult for a civilian to ascertain, and is usually mistaken for the presence of mundane pests like rats or insects.

In larger buildings, such as apartment blocks, they are often believed to be feral children or predatory criminals living in the walls and crawl spaces. Only a face-to-face encounter with a Smiler, which happens rarely, indicates the infestation is by an invasive species. It

It is likely smile infestations are happening in multiple locations, having been misidentified for a long time. A smiler has a body analogous to a four-armed starfish, with four identical limbs radiating from the torso, each of which ends in a five-fingered hand. The hands closely resemble those of humans, although smaller. On the torso is minted an organ that appears to be a head.

though the only facial feature is a wide, lipless mouth with two rows of small white teeth. The head of a smiler has been observed to rotate freely on the torso. The smiler can climb vertical or overhanging sheer surfaces and move extremely quickly for their size.

They can fit through any spaces large enough for a mouse, which is one of the reasons an infestation is frequently assumed to be of mice or rats. Smilers are highly disruptive to the location they infest. They steal and damage property, leave droppings, and burrow through parts of the structure to potentially compromise its integrity. They also pose a threat to pets, being omnivorous and aggressive, and even to small children and infants.

Most of this disruption occurs without the inhabitants of the invested location seeing a smiler directly. But when this happens, it causes great distress to the witness. For these reasons, when a smiler infestation is confirmed, specialists are almost always deployed to neutralize it.

Most of this disruption occurs without the inhabitants of the infested location seeing a smiler directly. But when this happens, it causes great distress to the witness. For these reasons, when a smiler infestation is confirmed, specialists are almost always deployed to neutralize it. Specialists faced with an infestation of smilers have a number of options similar to those applicable to mundane infestations.

Those include the use of poisons, traps, and fumigation of affected structures. Okay, okay, okay. Cut the bullshit. Elona here doesn't know her ass from her armpits when it comes to the Smilers.

They're not rats, they're not roaches, they're not bats or raccoons. You can poison a few, you can even get one in a trap, but you'll never get them all that way. They're smart and tough, and they learn quick. You want to take down the Smilers? You gotta go to war.

One of my first deployments was a nest of smilers in an office building. The little jerks had been wrecking computers and shitting in the photocopiers, and finally the security camera caught a bunch of them. The company called the exterminators. First we tried the usual stuff, putting down poison and roach motels, but they got wise to that, so we started staking them out.

We'd leave food out for them. They liked baked goods in particular. And when one scuttled out, bam! You'd wail on it. It was like playing whack-a-mole. I went at them with a baseball bat. One of the other guys smacked them against a wall with a hockey stick.

Gotta admit, it was fun at first. That was just after I joined up. I was still angry about Susie. Worked through a lot of that stuff, whomping on those smilers. Funny thing, they pop when you hit them, spraying out a bunch of orangey goo. Hell to clean up, but luckily that wasn't our job. Not sure if it was the healthiest coping skill, but you take what you can get in a job like this.

Bottom line, you have to kill them quicker than they can make new ones. I didn't think too much about how they made little Smiler babies. After a while, the bigger ones came out. Dinner plate sized, then tire sized, then almost as big across as I was tall. I think they were the generals, the ones that sent out the little drones or workers to do whatever they do. Once the foot soldiers were down, the officers came out to fight.

They were tougher. Kinda... fibrous. Had to smack them around then pull them apart. But that did it. And you have to get them all. Go through the crawl spaces, maintenance areas, air ducts. Or maybe don't. If the infestation comes back later, that's another payday for HQ.

Cabbots are a problematic invasive species, as they tend to interact a great deal with humans. While not common, they pose a threat to the public as they are territorial, intelligent, and can become aggressive. Even the smaller examples are highly dangerous to an unprepared specialist. They are attracted to urban areas where they scavenge and hunt for pets and smaller animals. They inhabit a territory with a safe burrow or sleeping location at the center.

patrolling the surrounding territory and responding aggressively to intrusion. They attack civilians who wander into their territory, and conflict frequently occurs between canids and locals in response to injuries, death, or disappearances. Almost all contacts between humans and canids result in specialists being deployed. A canid is a quadruped over two meters in length.

Its head has a wide mouth and sunken sockets, but no visible eyes. It is pale to mid-grain color and hairless. Proportions vary, but the limbs are typically very long, with a slender body and long neck. Cannids can easily be mistaken for mundane dogs, especially from a distance, or in some cases, horses or deer. It is not uncommon for cannids to be shot at by hunters, either after being misidentified or in response to candid attacks.

Candid corpses fully putrefy within 12 hours, resulting in a lack of cadavers. But a single known autopsy reported a lack of discrete internal organs and no circulatory or digestive system. Establishing the candids boundary is the first priority for a specialist responding to reports of a candid.

A cordon should be established to prevent locals from entering the territory while the candidate is still active. This is best done with the cooperation of law enforcement, but this is not always possible, and specialists may be actively opposed by law enforcement if we do not have established positive communications with them. Hunting the candidate should never be done alone. Candidates can move quietly and stealthily in spite of their size. Specialists with military experience should take the lead.

If possible, candidates should be engaged at range. Lacking internal anatomy, head or heart shots should not be trusted, and multiple gunshots to the central mass are the most effective in neutralizing them.

On rare occasions, a specialist may be successful in locating a canid in its den while at rest. This is a perfect opportunity to eliminate it as above. However, this should not be used as a chance to set fire to the den, or use smoke or poison to eliminate the canid or drive it into the open. These approaches are not effective. Only physical force, ideally inflicted from a distance, is known to be harmful to a canid.

If attacked by a Kanid, it is critical not to panic. Playing dead or attempting to make oneself large and intimidating are not effective, and Kanids are adept climbers, so a specialist being chased should not seek refuge by climbing a tree or other structure. Instead, ensure you are armed and equipped at all times, and stand your ground.

The canid will seize on a single limb, so a specialist under attack should present their non-dominant arm to be seized, and then use their dominant hand with a close combat weapon or sidearm to defend themselves. If another specialist is under attack, instruct them to act as above, then shoot the canid from close range. While it is possible your colleague will be struck, this is a significantly smaller risk than allowing the attack to continue.

Candids are most frequently encountered alone, but can form small packs or families. No one calls them Candids. If you hear an exterminator talking about a Scooby, they mean one of these. Some of them will say Bow Wow, Pumper, or Good Boy just to be cute, but usually it's Scooby.

Yeah, they're dangerous. Yeah, you should shoot them if that's what you're there to do. I'll give Alona a pass on that. But the Scoobies aren't all rabid honey badgers hellbent on biting off your non-dominant arm. It's easier to assume they all are, of course. That's what HQ likes. For everything to be easy, we don't have to make a decision then.

I got a theory about the Scoobies. Whatever we see them as, that's what they are. We see them as killers, they kill. That's why most of them are monsters. Someone sees it for the first time, freaks out. It acts like they fear it will.

But if they see it from a distance, maybe study it, hell, maybe think it's cute, then it'll act different. You might get called in to take out a Scooby that's just playing fetch in a dog park with some kid because they saw it and thought, hey, free pet.

After a couple weeks in the job, you'll know what to do. That's right. You put a bunch of bullets in it. Because you got your orders, and boo-hoo. The kid loses their eight-foot-tall best buddy. HQ gotta get paid, and so do you.

Kelona also neglects to mention that Scoobies have stingers. Maybe not all of them, but just in case, we always assume they do. They have long hairs or tendrils, kinda like rice noodles, and if they touch you, it hurts like hell. I still got the scars on my left arm. I turned over its body and the stingers dragged across my forearm. I almost blacked out. I didn't know it was a Scooby then. I didn't even know it was an invasive species.

Elona got one thing right. She said you can mistake it for a deer. That's what I thought it was when it bolted across the road. A white deer. I was going too fast. There was nothing else on the road. I thought it didn't matter. Just a guy and his girl gunning the engines on the back roads. Radio turned up loud. Then this thing flashes across the road. Susie shouted, but I didn't catch the word. I hit the brakes, slam into it broadside.

They're tough, these things. It got under the wheels, stuck right up in the wheel well. I lost traction on the front left and went off into the ditch at the side of the road. Cartwheeled the car. Ended up upside down. I was beat up to all hell, but Susie got the worst of it. Massive chest injuries.

The seatbelt held her in, but the angle was just wrong. The speed of a couple of miles per hour too high. Whatever chaos theory bullshit. That meant I got a bursted collarbone, and she got her heart crushed flat. I just stared at her with her eyes open and blood bubbling out of her nose. Must have hung there for half an hour before I tried to drag myself out. I wasn't in a hurry. I knew she was gone.

I saw this thing wrapped up in the wheel, mangled and stretched out, but intact enough to see it wasn't a deer. I think I believed in the story.

One of those sons of bitches killed my wife. Now I'm gonna seek vengeance against all the invasive critters in the world. That lasted about a day and a half once I finished boot camp. First deployment was a skitterer in the rafters of a public school building. I was ready to kick in the door and blast the thing into dog food. Then we took it down and... I didn't feel a damn thing.

I waited for the end credits to start, but there was nothing. Susie was still gone. The car was still upside down. I was still standing in my mall ninja fatigues in a school gymnasium, looking at a spider the size of a light aircraft. Nothing changed. From then on, it was just my job. Like I said, we're all running from something.

It is impossible to give an exhaustive list of all the possible invasive species you may encounter. While those previously mentioned are known to exist in significant numbers, most invasive species are far less common and many appear to be unique. Even within the categories listed in this material, every deployment is different.

The principles given here function as a useful playbook, but are no substitute for situational awareness, thoroughness, and teamwork. The supplemental material provided with this instructional video includes case studies of previous deployments. Some of these deployments were successful. Some were not. It is crucial for you to familiarize yourself with this material and take full advantage of the experience of your teammates.

Even before you were sent on your first deployment, you should have committed to the study of what we do and the many challenges posed by invasive species and their environments. A specialist must never be surprised by what they find in the field. They should, as the saying goes, be ready for anything. Thank you for listening, neighbor. Mayfair Watchers Society is based on the works of Trevor Henderson. Exterminators was written by Ben Counter.

Alana was played by Lisa Park, and Tyler was played by Brandon Newman. The dialogue editor was Daisy McNamara. The sound designer was Travis McMaster. The music is by Matt Royberger. The showrunner is Pacific S. Obadiah, and the creative director is me, Trevor Henderson. Produced by Tom Owen and Brad Miska, A Bloody FM Show.