Bony
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We are The Watchers.

Unseeing.

Welcome to Mayfair Watchers Society Come on, come on! You fucking zombie motherfucking fucking wolves! And here we see Timothy Griggs in his natural habitat. Getting totally demolished and altered beast. Ooh, quick to anger. The Timothy has not adapted well to being a loser. Ooh, he lashes out! Ah!

I'll kill you! Get that camera out of my face! You gotta catch me first, sookah! Run, bitch! I'll fuck you up! You think I won't hit a girl? Where'd you go? Fuck! Man's lost in the maze. Too bad this ghost is invisible. Look at that dip trying to find me.

Is she over there by the Gallica? No... Oh, that's okay. Maybe I'll go check Kittychris. Oh, not there either. That's too strike. Oh, watch out! He's powering up! Oh, no way. He's actually about to cry. Is that a snot bubble I see? Sam? Ah! Oh, crap! He sees me! I'm going to knock your block off. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

*crying* Works. You scratched it up real bad, but it works. Now what do you have to say for yourself? Sorry I called you a girl. That's right. Same's the man. Don't forget it. But don't call me Timothy... Samantha. Ooh, watch it tough guy. I might have to kick your ass again. I'm not scared of a little acrobatics. Tell that to your schnoz. Oh, I'm Tim. Does anyone have a Kleenex?

Hey! I really knew... So, we got kicked out of the arcade. Some of us more literally than others. Oh, Timmy's giving me the finger. Right back at you, buddy. Fuck you! We're wavy-daves now. Grabbin' a nice slice.

Tim got the extra pepperoni because he wants to carry on his family's zit farming legacy. Me, I'm just playing trees in it. Yet another Friday night in the lives of Sam and Tim. I almost beat him. Who we talking about? Agger! Is he your boyfriend? No, he's the boss in Altered Beasts. He's not my boyfriend. Whatever you say, slick.

I so could've beat him if he didn't screw up my focus! I had the pattern totally memorized! He was going down! Oh yeah, it really sounded like you had it, man. What do you know, Sam? What was the last video game you beat? That stuff doesn't matter, dude. Seriously, you're not learning anything from altering any beasts. That's not a life skill. Making sick-ass documentaries.

That's a life skill. Yeah, well, it's going to be a death skill if you don't shut up. Fine. I'm sorry. Alright. I know you wanted to stay at the arcade longer. If beating this Edgar guy... Agor. Okay, Agor. If beating him was so important, you should have told me. I thought you were apologizing. Didn't I just? You know, I've heard Altered Beast is actually a two-player game.

What's your point? Nothing, I'm just saying. Maybe things would have gone differently if you'd had another werewolf by your side. Whoa! We're throwing forks now? You ruined my night, Sam! Don't zoom in on me! I think I know something that'll cheer you up. Where did Spike say he was gonna pick us up? A little further. We gotta keep it on the down low. And you sure he's got beer? He's Spike Mansfield, dude. He's got more Guinness than the Book of World Records.

If you think this makes up for the aggr thing... Man, shut up about Aggrar. We're gonna be real werewolves tonight. Woo! Come on, deal with me. How for the camera? Barf, barf, barf. Oh, that was so weak. How about you give me a real manly one? Yeah! Yeah, bitch! Go, Tim! Go, Tim! There we go. Oh, man. Too good.

Too good. Whoa, dude, change back. You're still in face mode. Tim, Tim, snap out of it. Come on. Ooh, is that Balboa? Do I hear a little Rocky Balboa in there? Adrian! Adrian! Ah!

And the crowd goes wild! Yeah! Give me some punches! Throw some punches for the camera! Beat that beat up! Right hook! Up the top! Pretend the end is a video game, pause here, hey! Get 'em! Hey, tiptoe! That was way too hard, man!

Thank you and me and the pizza. Geez, I'm sorry. Just stop making fun of me. Yeah, so how about you chill the fuck out before I slap your face off, Timothy. Try it! Fucking try it! Don't make me put this camera down. Ugh, great. That's Spike's car. Do me a favor and stop being a mental mutant. Spike! Hey! What took you so long?

Trevor Henderson here with an ad break. If you'd like to get early and ad-free access to Mayfair Watchers Society, consider supporting us on the Apollo Podcast app. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Whether you're selling a little or a lot.

And now, back to our show. Is that a movie camera? Yeah, it is.

Whatcha doin' with it? Oh, just, uh, makin' a movie about the time Spike Mansfield saved our Friday night. Anything for Kyle Des Moines' little sister. Well, I'm not, like, sister, though. It's more like I'm just a sibling. Whatcha talkin' about? I don't know, I've had so many beers. So, Spike...

What's your real name? Good question, kid. Spike is short for "speak when you're fucking spoken to." Okay? So... where are we going? We're gonna go visit my friend Terry. Oh yeah? What's his name short for? Cemetery. Walked right into that one! Yeah, you did. Uh, there's seriously nobody named Derry here?

Yo, are you serious? We're in a fucking boneyard, Sam. I'll say. It looks pretty hype on camera, though. Yeah, I know it's a bit shady, but this is the best place in Mayfair to drink if you don't want to be messed with. How often have you come here? Tons of times. Is it really safe at night? You're not chicken, are you? I don't want to get in fucking trouble on such a lame night. Chill, kid. You're hanging with the top dog now.

We can get away with murder tonight. I feel like the murder's been covered around here. How many of these suckas you think were closed casket? Sam, shut up. Wow. You're crazy, Samantha. Yes, Samantha. You want to be headless. Let's go sit on the hill. Good plan, man. We can have a real party now. Finally. God damn it. Ice from your graves.

What would you do if they did? What would you do, Spike? I'm asking you, Des Moines. I'd make the most bitchin' documentary of all time. I'd fucking kick their dead asses. Like this. Yo, Tim, pass me a beer. Get it yourself. Yeah, alright. So, what's your brother up to? College. Oh, yeah. He graduated, didn't he? Shocking, I know. I always thought you were the brains of the family. I am.

That's why all the zombies want to eat me so bad. Still, that's... wild. Big Kyle D in college? You know he used to be the king around here, right? Yeah. I guess I am now. So who is this kid anyway? Who, Tim? He's only the second toughest kid at Mayfair High. Roger Bacon once tried to steal his bike from the school parking lot, so Tim threw it at him. Ended up breaking the handlebars and most of the spokes on the front wheel.

So now he just walks everywhere, totally uncontested. Sorry, and he's the second toughest? Who do you think the toughest is? Em. What's the matter, Timmy? You wear yourself out? Forgot my beer. I was just telling Spike about when you stood up to Roger. I hate that kid. You know, there was this other time- Yeah, I think my leg's falling asleep. Really? Cause we just sat down. I'm just gonna take a little walk. You know, clear my head a bit. Dude-

How much have you had? I got this, I got this, I'm sober. Uh-huh. I'll be back soon. Don't get lost, bro. Remember, you're our fucking ride. Hello, Mayfair. You're watching the Sam Des Moines Nightly Night Show. We're here live in the cemetery with little Timmy G, otherwise known as Chicken Supreme. Aw, he's quick with that bird. Tim, I think I speak for everyone in the audience when I ask you. Are you having fun?

What's so great about Spike Mansfield? I think we're drinking it, man. You act so weird around him. No, he's the one acting weird. I just don't think you're being honest, Sam. You're never afraid to be yourself when it's just us. Yeah, I mean, you're right. He was looking at you funny. Like, I wanted to say, back off, Sam's not like that. But you just let him act all macho.

Pisses me off. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why do you think I'm out here faking it so hard anyway, huh? You're the one who lost his cool in the fucking arcade and again in the streets. You want me to be myself, but you can't handle a few jokes. Does that seem fair to you? Turn the camera off. No, I think the people at home need to hear this. Fuck! What was that? That fucking startled me. Is... is that Spike? Spike?

Spike? Spike! What the fuck, man? What the fuck? There he is! I see him! It looks like he's running from something! Did you say what it is? No, but he's really booking it. Fucking fuck, he's gonna leave us here! Spike! Spike! I'll catch up. You fucking loser! Get us in the shitty fucking mirror! Tim! Tim! Tim! I knew you had it in you.

We need to fucking go. Right now. Look behind me! What are you... Oh, no, no, no, no. What is that? Don't zoom in! Just run! Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! This way! Go! Yeah, that's right. You can't see us, bitch. You have no idea where the fuck we are. Oh, we're not over there. But you keep on thinking.

Sam, come on. Not yet. I have to document this. Look at it. What is it? It's so bony. Does it even have skin or muscle or anything? It's like a spider made of skeleton. I can see that as a fucking freak, man. We gotta go. We can take it. Get out of your fucking mind, Samantha! Hey, Timothy. You told me that if the dead rose up, you could take them down.

Are you chicken like Spike? I'm not. You want to beat Agar? That's the fucking Agar. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. All right. Yeah. Fucking yeah. Rocky Balboa. Yeah. Rocky Balboa. Yeah. Let's fucking kill that thing. Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah. And we're back.

We survived the Beast of the Underworld! That was the most fucked up thing I have ever seen. Yeah, but we fucked it up more! I got something I want to say to the camera. Oh, you go right ahead, man. Spike Manfield is a fucking chub. It's true. He's a scrub, too. This one's for you, Spike! Ooh, it's the famous Tim Griggs middle finger. Classic.

Sam and Tim still uncontested Nobody can tear us apart. Yeah, the batters are getting low. We should probably Sam I got something else I want to say to the camera you do. All right, let's hear it I am glad you are here with me here at the end of all things Sam Whoa, you just came up with that. Sounds like it's from a movie. It's from a book the return of the king What's it about?

Well, it's really long and confusing, but at the heart of it there's a story about friends who work together to destroy evil. Sounds kick-ass. I bet it'd make a sweet movie. Fuck yeah. Did you just hear that? Fuck, it's Boney again. Is he back for more? Yeah, but I don't think he's fucking around this time. He's a sore loser. Hey, Boney! Fuck off! Fuck. What do we do, Sam? I don't know, okay? I don't know!

How is it still moving? We fucking destroyed that bitch! Shit, ugh! Let's go through the woods. Are you insane? We know we can hide from it, so we might as well try. This is all Spike's fault! Fucking chicken shit left us to die! Tim, Tim! Look at me. We're not gonna die. Okay? Come on. It's gaining on us! Sam, stop trying to film it! There's no way this isn't going on tape! There's one way. Hey!

You fucking animal! Where did you throw my camera? Who cares? Let's get out of here! Tim! Tim! Tim! What? Get off of him! There it is! There it is! Grab my hand! Leave us alone! Fuck!

Where'd it go? Come on, let it go. Dad. I gotta find the night fish. It's not where I can see it. We all have to know what people have to know. Just run. Leave me. No, not again. Samantha. That's not my name and you know it. Come on. You don't have to die like this. Get out of here. I'm just as tough as you. We're both making it out. We're neither of us. One thing is for sure, though.

Anyone who sees this documentary is gonna remember that the biggest pair of badasses went to school at Mayfair High. Class of 92. Rapper fucking's in. Yeah. Fucking yeah. Yeah. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! That's more like it, Tim Greggs. Safety mode. You're my best, you know that? Yeah. And you're mine too, buddy. Let's bait this fucker into the moon. Ah! Hmm.

Thank you for listening, neighbor. Mayfair Watcher Society is based on the works of Trevor Henderson. Boney was written by Gus Zagarella. Timothy Tim Griggs was played by Marques Moore. Sam Des Moines was played by B. Narr. Spike Mansfield was played by Brad Colbrook. The dialogue editor was Daisy McNamara. Sound design by Travis McMaster. Music by Matt Royberger.

The showrunner is Pacific S. Obadiah. Creative director is me, Trevor Henderson. And it's produced by Tom Owen and Brad Miska. A Bloody FM Show.