Birdwatcher
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Hey everyone. It's Pacific. I'm the showrunner of Mayfair Watchers Society, and I'm interrupting Trevor's usual announcement to wish him a very happy birthday. Uh, Trevor, it's been such a blast working on this project with you. And, uh, it's been a pretty cool year. Uh,

All of this to say, happy birthday. I'm excited to do it again next year. And I hope you're having a great day. And to everyone listening, go wish Trevor a happy birthday. You can find him at SlimySwampGhost on Twitter, Instagram. I believe he's back on Tumblr now. And you can even chat with him in our Discord, which is linked in the show notes of this show. That's all I got to say. So without further ado, this week's episode.

We are The Watchers.

Observers. Of the. Strange. Paranormal. Occult. Unwelcome. Spiritual. Horrifying. Mystical. Secret. Transcendent. Repulsive. Captivating. Unwelcome. Appalling. Gruesome. Unseen. Magic. Weird. Revolting. Intrusion. Horrifying. Unseen.

Welcome to the Mayfair Watchers Society. As always, this has been Kelsey and Wesley. Thanks for tuning in with us again this week. And remember, things just keep getting burner and burner.

God, so this is where you're hiding. Seb? Sebastian. Right. Sorry. And we are back with another episode of Burger and Birder, the internet's premier podcast for burgers and bird lovers of all stripes and feathers. Hey! Um, you were looking for me? You said you'd be in the library. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just, um, I'm...

Making some notes. Hey, Stings. I thought I told you to get in the habit of recording yourself. You're not going to be able to stop and write things down in the middle of the woods. Not if you don't want to be left behind. I'm not going to wait for you. I'm not. I won't. I'm recording right now. See? And you can just call me Kid, you know? Right. And that's why I found you sitting here, listening to other people talk as you wrote in your notebook. Is it?

That's an incredible talent, being able to tell what you've written down just by listening to the sound of yourself writing it. You'll have to teach me. I... I'm trying, I just... And what is all this anyway? You've got multiple reference books open, you're listening to some sort of talk show, you're recording yourself and taking notes on paper. You look like a child convinced he can fool his mother into believing he's doing his homework by surrounding himself with enough textbooks. I just... It helps me!

I can't focus with nothing on, and it's easier if I can switch back and forth. See, I've got the book open to the Saw-wet Owl, and the last Birder and Birder, they were talking about Saw-wets, and I- Never mind that. Why did you ask to meet me here if you were just going to hole up in some back room pretending to study? Do you have any idea how long it took me to find you? I'm not- I didn't. I didn't ask you to meet me. You told me you were going to be at the library.

Yes? Hastings, normally when a person mentions their plans and whereabouts to a relative stranger during a conversation about making arrangements for the coming week, it's seen as an invitation. What? No, no, no, no, if I wanted you to meet me at the library, I'd just have asked you if you could meet me at the library. I didn't... Not that I mean you should leave, I could, because I don't intend to, not after spending nearly half an hour looking for you. Do you want to sit down? Not especially.

If you're not going to record your notes properly, at least do me the courtesy of turning the damned thing off and give it to you so you could waste the battery. Uh, yeah. Sorry, sub. Sebastian. The time is 4:45 AM. The location: Ludwig Memorial Park. These are the notes of Sebastian Prescott, accompanied by Kit Hastings. That's me!

Remind me why we're here this early? I told you, someone on the message boards said she saw something unusual here. We're investigating. Something unusual? Are we looking for birds or are we looking for ghosts? I'm sorry. Did we meet through the Mayfair Paranormal Society Hastings or the Birders Society?

Anyway, as unlikely as it seems that there would be a previously unknown species of bird here in the park, if there is, we're more likely to see it now before the area fills up with people. Make sense? I guess so, yeah.

What'd she say it looked like? A blue-footed finch with unusual toes. A finch having blue feet is... already pretty unusual. Yes, but so is zygodactyly. What? Zygodactyly. Two toes in the front, two toes in the back, like an owl's foot. It's not something you'd expect to see on a finch, because finches have anisodactyl feet. Three toes in the front, only one in the back. A finch with blue owl feet, huh?

Are you sure this lady didn't just make a mistake? She may have. That's why we're here to check. And where'd you see this? The Watcher Society forums.

So we're looking for an entity? Not necessarily. Not necessarily? You said you read this on the Watchers' forums! I did, yes, but that doesn't mean- That's literally what that community is for! Do you think every strange thing anyone finds must be an entity, Hastings? As a fellow lover of birds, I'm sure you know that geese appear to have teeth on both their tongues and their beaks. That sounds pretty unusual to me. And despite hundreds of years of observation and research, eels still haven't been observed breeding in the wild.

It'd be perfectly reasonable to assume they must be dipping in and out of our reality, wouldn't it? But do we call those animals entities? No. And don't even get me started on Platypi. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Seb. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. You're right. You're completely right. It's just... I got into a fight with my step-kid last night and... I didn't really sleep... at all.

I mean, don't get me wrong, Drew's a really great kid, just... For some reason, we always seem to end up arguing and... As fascinating as your domestic troubles are, Hastings, I don't think we're close enough for them to be any of my business. Of course. Of course. Sorry.

And it's Sebastian. Or you can call me Prescott, if it's easier for you to manage. Right. A small bird with zygodactyly. That's what we're looking for. Got it. Good. And don't forget to take notes. And I don't mean in your book. Got it. The time is 7:00 a.m. No luck with the blue-footed finch. Hastings and I spent two hours in the park, but I couldn't find anything.

Seems like it must have been a false report. Yeah, um... I'm sorry we couldn't find your bird, Sebastian. Nothing to be sorry for. I didn't think we would, to be honest. But you always have to check. What is that sound? It is incredibly annoying to listen to. And if it makes its way into my notes, one of your rear door windows is open, Hastings. I know. It's stuck like that. I can't get it to close all the way. Did you put tape over the door latch? Yeah, I just...

I worry about people trying to break into my car. I don't live in the best neighborhood, and all you really need to get into a car like this is a cracked window and a bent coat hanger. It's like how crows will make tools to get at grubs and stuff. I'm sorry. Did you think you had to explain this in terms of ornithological behavior for me to be able to understand what you were saying? No! No, no. I just thought you're making notes, so I should at least try to make it relate to birds.

Or something. Well, your effort is appreciated. Thank you? All in all, this wasn't a complete waste of time. You're getting better with the recorder. You think so? Yes. And it is helpful to have another set of eyes with me. Hey, I'm just happy to help. I love birding. I love birds. I just... God, they're such beautiful animals.

I don't understand how anyone doesn't see that. They really are some of the most elegantly designed creatures in existence. We can agree on that. There's a reason they're called the only true living dinosaurs. No other complex organism on Earth has adapted and survived so spectacularly for so long. I mean sharks and crocodiles! Crocodilians haven't had to evolve. Neither have sharks. Their niches have remained largely undisturbed. They've mostly just gotten smaller. Yeah... Okay, fair. Uh...

I think you might still be recording. The light's blinking. Hm? Oh, damn. You're right. The time is 8:45 AM. The location... uh... my backyard. This is Kit Hastings taking notes... gosh shit, wait... no... It's... uh... These are the notes of... Kit Hastings. No, that sounds weird.

It sounded cool and professional when he did it. Christ, what did he say? What are you- Drew! Heh! Hey, uh, just, um, just birdwatching. What's up, kiddo? Birdwatching? In the yard? Yeah! Why not? There are birds around here, aren't there? Wait, why aren't you at school? Um, so about that... Did you sleep in and miss your bus again?

Where's your mother? I thought she was going to wake you up before she left for work. One sec. I'll give you a drive. Just let me turn this off. Trevor Henderson here with an ad break. If you'd like to get early and ad-free access to Mayfair Watcher Society, consider supporting us on the Apollo Podcast app. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Whether you're selling a little or a lot.

Shopify helps you do your thing, however you cha-ching. From the launch your online shop stage, all the way to the we just hit a million orders stage. No matter what stage you're in, Shopify's there to help you grow. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash special offer, all lowercase. That's shopify.com slash special offer. And now, back to our show. Tell me again what you saw.

Um, okay, sure. So, there are these birds that have started hanging around in the woods next to the school and they- From the beginning, please. Okay. Like I said before, I was picking up my daughter from school- And the school you're referring to is Mayfair Elementary? Yes. Yes, obviously. She's only seven, where else would she be?

Anyway, I was picking Rachel up from school during her morning recess because she had an appointment at the clinic at 1:30 and I didn't want to have to pull her out in the middle of class. But when I got there, she wasn't waiting for me in the office like she was supposed to be and when I asked her teacher about it, he said,

She hadn't mentioned it to him and that he thought she must have forgotten and gone outside for recess with everyone else. So I went around to the back of the school to look for her. And when I got there, the kids, they were all gathered around the fence at the far end of the schoolyard. There's a fence separating the yard from the tree-ling?

Yes, of course. It's an elementary school. They fenced in the yard years ago. They had to, otherwise you have kids just wandering off into the woods and other things. Wandering in. And what were the children looking at? Birds. At least, that's what I thought they were looking at. They looked a bit like owls to me, which I remember...

thinking... was pretty strange because it was the middle of the day. Despite what most people believe, owls are not actually strictly nocturnal. It wouldn't be that strange to see them during the day. The flocking behavior you're describing is actually much stranger. Owls are largely solitary birds. Okay. Anyway, the trees closest to the schoolyard were just full of them.

Just full of these weird, speckled white and brown things, each about the size of, I don't know, a football maybe? Really still, really quiet. At least, I thought they were quiet. I didn't... I know I didn't hear birds, just the kids shouting and laughing, and when I saw Rachel standing by the fence with her friends, I went over to go and get her, and then...

As I got closer, I saw that some of the other kids were sticking their arms through the holes in the chain link and throwing bits of their lunches onto the ground on the other side for the birds. Which they know they're not supposed to do. And what were the birds doing? Nothing. They didn't seem to care about the food. They were just...

Watching them. Watching the kids. At least, I think that's what they were doing. It's hard to know because they didn't have eyes. Not as far as I could see. Can you describe them for me a little bit more? Anything you remember?

Like I said, my first thought was that they looked like owls. The colors looked right for it, and they had that kind of puffiness to them that owls have sometimes. They even had those kind of weird flat heads some owls seem to have, where it just goes straight into the body without a neck. But they weren't owls. They definitely were not owls. Instead of faces, they just had...

What did you do next?

I took my daughter and left. As much as those bird things disturbed me, I figured if they were a problem, somebody would have done something about them. They're right by the school, for God's sake. If you didn't think they were a problem, why did you post on the message board about them? Because... as I was leaving, I heard my daughter's voice from over by the fence, past the fence, and she was holding my hand, standing right beside me. Throwing her voice?

That's what I thought, though it's not a talent she's ever demonstrated, but when I asked her about it, she said no. She said it was the birds, that they talk to them in their own voices, repeat things back to them like some sort of creepy fucked up parrots, and...

Even if I don't think the birds are dangerous, I do think the possibility of somebody hearing children in the woods, maybe even their own child, and going to investigate could be a problem. There are things out there that are actually dangerous, so I made the post. I see. That makes sense. That's everything you remember? Yeah, I think so. Alright, thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. Thank you again. But if that's everything... Wait, that's it?

What are you going to- Absolutely fascinating. The time is 2:45 AM. The location: parking lot adjacent to Mayfair Elementary. These are the notes of Sebastian Prescott, accompanied by Kit Hastings. You sure there's something here this time? Even if there isn't, isn't the pursuit of knowledge its own reward? We could discover a new species, Hastings. Besides, I've got a good feeling about this one.

I think we're going to experience something very special today. You know, Sebastian, I really hope you're right. I think I'd be a little more on board with the thrill of scientific discovery if I'd gotten more than four hours of sleep. God, wake me up if I doze off, okay?

Hastings, if you somehow manage to sleep through a stunning new ornithological discovery, I reserve the right to leave you in the woods and to drive off without you. It'd be what you deserve. Note to self: keep the keys on me. Got it. Leave the doors unlocked, unless we're very lucky. One of us will probably come back for spare batteries or a bottle of water, and I don't want to walk all the way back to the parking lot only to realize I can't get into the car. Are you sure that's a good idea?

I'm sorry. Do you think there's a strong possibility that someone might decide to hotwire your car and drive away with it at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday morning while it's parked in an elementary school parking lot? I mean, when you put it like that... It'll be fine. Turn the engine off. How long do you intend to keep it idling? We're...

Really going into the woods at 3:00 a.m., huh? Not if you keep stalling. Then God knows if we'll get in there before the sun comes up. Human teeth, huh? That's what I was told to expect, yes. That really sounds like an entity. Why? Because birds don't have teeth. Even geese don't have teeth. I looked it up. They have conical papillae. And mammals don't have beaks or bills, and yet the platypus exists. I thought we covered this. Okay, sure.

And what was that about them imitating human voices? There are plenty of birds that are known to be mimics. Flyer birds have been known to imitate chainsaws and car alarms. Parrots are famous for their ability to learn whole sentences. Even crows have been known to repeat words sometimes. Mimicry isn't a mark against them. If anything, it's a mark in their favor. I guess so.

Don't tell me you're changing your mind after we've come all the way here? No, no. I'm still on board. Just tired and a little creeped out by the woods, I guess. The anticipation is worse than reality, I promise. It's not as bad as you think. Yeah?

You think so? Yes. Once you're out there, you start to wonder why you were ever afraid of it. It's just trees and birds and insects, the occasional small animal. This is part of the problem with how separated people have become from nature. The more time you spend hiding from it, the more frightening the night becomes. I guess I hadn't thought about it like that. People usually don't.

Ready to go? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Let's go find some birds, huh? With teeth. You're really fixated on those, aren't you? Oh, they're really creepy. You haven't even seen them in person yet. What happened to birds being so beautiful that you can't understand how anyone could fail to see that? They don't usually have teeth.

These two. Those aren't teeth! They're conical papillae. They serve the same function as teeth and are visually similar. Who's to say these birds aren't the same? Who's to say these birds aren't just sick? And she said they don't have eyes? She said she couldn't see their eyes. That doesn't mean they don't have them. Okay, if you say so. Trust me, Hastings. You won't regret coming out here. I'm trusting you. I'm trusting you.

I am putting all my energy into trusting you. God, it's creepy. They've been socializing with children. It's inevitable those would be the sounds they've learned to imitate. I get it. It's just... It is still creepy. That doesn't make it less creepy. Here, this'll do. Really? We're still pretty close to the edge.

I can see my car from here. Yes, that's fine. The children have been feeding them. Given how close to the schoolyard they've managed to lure them, we shouldn't need to go far. For better or worse, they seem to have overcome any natural fear of humans they might have had previously. Great. Love that. Sure do love that. Definitely.

Amazing. Absolutely amazing. What? The mimicry. It's incredible. I've heard other birds imitate human voices, but they're usually not so adept at it. You can tell they don't quite understand how the words are supposed to go together. But they've gotten the hang of the rhythm of speech. It's incredible. They're coming closer. Don't be afraid. Have your eyes adjusted? Yeah, but... Don't be afraid.

Oh my god, there's so many of them. There certainly are.

Wait, why are you... Where are you going? Hastings, I need you to stay calm. Sebastian, what's going on? They're surrounding us, hemming us in. It's probably a predatory behavior. Oh, oh.

Okay, what does that mean? Don't move. Why not? Because I need you to stay where you are for this to work. What? Wait! Wait, wait, wait! No!

They're predators. Social hunters. Incredible. Oh, goddammit.

Hastings. Happy Keys. Which means I have no choice but to wait for the flock to give up. They know I'm in here. I can feel them looking at me. She was right. That woman. They don't seem to have eyes, but you can still feel them looking at you. I found the open window.

I guess I should be grateful for Hastings' paranoia. Even if they turn out to be tool users, they won't be able to pop the door latch. Are you tool users? I wouldn't think you are. That's more insect eaters. Somehow, I don't think you spend too much time bothering with grubs and ants and termites, do you? What are you trying to do? You're not going to fit through there.

You're not going to tip through there. No. No. No.

Thank you for listening, neighbor. Mayfair Watcher Society is based on the works of Trevor Henderson. Birdwatcher was written by Cale Brown. Kelsey was played by Jesse Hall. Wesley was played by Ashley Jones. Sebastian Prescott was played by Scott Paladin. Kit Hastings was played by Giancarlo Herrera. Drew Laskin was played by Dustin Parsons. And Worried Mother was played by Crystal Lewis.

The dialogue editor was Jesse Hall. The sound designer was Travis McMaster. The music was by Matt Royberger. The showrunner was Pacific S. Obadiah. The creative director is Trevor Henderson. The producers are Tom Owen and Brad Miska. A Bloody FM Show.