I’m Fucking Hot
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I'm fucking hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. It's like, no, I'm, no, you're, I'm hot. No, you're hot. I'm hot. And she's hot. Oh, wow, that's really hard. Let's work on it. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Mean Girl Pod. I'm Jordan. I'm Alex. And happy July. I can, I cannot believe.

It's July. June was probably the fastest month of my life in New York. I don't know about you. It went by so fast. I think so. You know what I feel like? I feel like I finally caught up to New York. I feel like just about three weeks ago did I catch up. I'll catch myself on the subway sometimes. I'll be like, I live here. I can go to the store. I don't be like a stranger. I got my streets. I just feel like I'm finally in the flow. Yeah. On...

I don't remember what day of the week it was, but I went to a workout class and I woke up at 5 a.m., which in New York, I don't usually do that. But back in Minnesota, I was a very early riser and I live on the east side. So I went down because I had time before the workout because obviously I got a tour.

Too early. And I was there really early. So I went to the east side, the farthest east, and I watched the sunrise. Yeah. Like literally saw the sunrise over the buildings reflect on the buildings. I've never seen anything like that. I've never seen the sun truly rise in my life. And I was like, holy crap. I love.

I live in New York. That sounds beautiful. I have the picture in my head. It makes me want to get up at 5 and do this again. I'm not going to just for a sunrise, but I want to. I felt like I was in a movie. It was the weirdest feeling ever. I was so... It was just beautiful.

New York's beautiful. New York is beautiful. And somebody pointed out to me, speaking of movies, like, because having lived in L.A. and having lived in New York, I always say I like New York better. It's more substance, culture, energy, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, yeah, have you ever noticed how movies – I don't want to butcher this – movies are made –

In New York and about New York, but they're just sometimes made in L.A. Like everybody wants to get to New York. And I'm like, oh, wow, that's really interesting. It is funny because as a society, I feel like we paint New York as like the best, the best place to live in the world. I yeah. And I think society or I think society is right.

I'm never leaving. I don't fucking care what people say. People are always like, tell me that in two years after you live here. I don't care. I'm I'll stick to my word. I'm staying. Well, and we'll go let you have us have our optimism while we have it. Yeah. I don't want my New York optimism to ever leave. Like never. Yeah. When people are always like circle back in a year, I'm like, no, let me have this. Let me, let me live right now and have this love. Can I have it? Why can't we? We can't. No one ever lets us live in the present. We don't let ourselves live in the present. Yeah. We're either. Are you, are you, do you live more in the future or the past?

Same. Dreaming. I'm a very futuristic person to the point where it hurts my present lifestyle. I think...

That would be better, though, than living in the past. Oh, yeah. Glorifying or hating or dramatizing the past, but like dreaming of the future. They say, okay, I've been doing this thing where I will lay. It is scary because let me tell you what, you should actually try this. Everyone should try this. You lay down and you just like breathe in and out. Okay. And you imagine meeting your future self like you in a year. Mm-hmm. And...

talk to her and be like, Hey, what about mean girl pod or like something like that? And she'll be like, Oh yeah, yeah. Just like find your confidence or something like, or like you're good. Like we're good. And it's like, if you go and put your brain there, like where you're going, it starts to trick your body. Like your body doesn't know the difference between the present and then like the future of where you want to be.

Kind of like manifestation? Exactly like that, but actually imagining having the conversation with you because you did it. Oh, that's interesting because I imagine scenarios, futuristic scenarios all the time, but I never actually imagined my futuristic self in that scenario. So if you're like, okay, I'm manifesting a live show in six months. Okay, then you meet your future self and she's like... I was like, yes! Yes!

She's like, yeah, you heard it here first. And we're having one. I'm just kidding. And then you talk to your future self. She's like, yeah, but in order to get that live show, remember to be consistent, play your game. Like, she would talk to you about it, and it's kind of like a cool mental. Wait, I want to try that. You should seriously try it. It's crazy. I really love that. Did you think that a year ago you would think this? No. I never thought I was going to do another, like, girl talk show. Really? Yeah, I know. I remember that. Ooh, that's weird. I should do that.

We, we, it's, it's really becoming full circle. I feel like. She did. Yeah.

Did we ever tell you that? No. Yeah, back in October, Mikey Podcast, who used to work here, I was telling him, like, I would really love to do a podcast that doesn't have to do with pop culture. He was like, oh, yeah, Alana's amazing. Let me, like, literally put us in a room together to talk about it. And I kind of laid out some ideas I had with Alana, and she was like, no, don't do it. And I was like, okay. You were very upfront. You were like, don't do it. And I was like, okay. You can't just start. Yeah. Oh.

And the right time did come. That's so crazy that you were like, wait. She did. She was like, wait, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be pretty much the message I got from you. And that's isn't that, though, the most true thing ever? Yeah. Like if you just wait for the right time, like timing does take care of itself. Truly. And like.

The way I mean, I've said this a million times, but the way this podcast happened is so butterfly effect domino effect. It just it freaks me out sometimes. Wait, let me read the text message.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alex got a text today. Like, today, right? Yeah, literally, today at 11.13 a.m. Okay, he said, his name's Daniel, and he's a life coach. He lives in Newport Beach, but he was our friend out there. Oh, he's a life coach. Oh, even better. It's not like my random friend that constructs this message to me. Who's texting you? He says, let's take a minute to reflect on the origin of Mean Girl. It was born from a really shitty situation, and you all converted it into something incredible. Have you reflected on that recently? Because you should. Proud of you all.

I love that. And it's like, no, we never reflect on that. I... Or reflect. So this morning, I was going down to the subway, and this mom was alone with her baby, and she had a stroller, and she... You know how... Okay, it's so weird that subways do not have elevators. Like, I don't know how people can get up.

I had to help a guy carry a wagon yesterday. Yeah, so this lady was like, hey, do you mind helping me carry my stroller with my baby and up the stairs? And I don't know why, but in that moment, I got so emotional because I was just like, I don't know why, but it just made me sit back and appreciate everything in my life. And I was like, I'm going to start crying. No, just like helping this, like sometimes humbling moments like that, like hit me in the face. I'm like, wow.

I'm happy with my life. I don't know. Nothing with the baby had an effect. I just like did something and I was like, I don't know how to describe it. No, you know what it was, I think? The act of helping someone else. So like when you, I'm bad about this, but when I get down or when I'm on autopilot, if I can get outside of myself and help somebody, even say hi to a stranger.

It will immediately like get, I'll get like a little emotional because it's not, it just was because you finally got outside of you. Yeah. And you were like, had to help her. And it was like, you probably like felt really like human. Also. So I've, I'm like very OCD and routine and I,

When I'm doing something, I'm doing something. And I was like, I have to get to the office. I'm so rushed. And when she asked me, like the first, I never would have said no, but the first instinct in my head was no, I want to make sure I catch the next subway. And obviously I didn't say that. And I helped her. And then after I helped her, I was like, what the fuck? Like sometimes being perfect and being on time and being routine is not the most important thing in the world. Like I was literally, my first instinct was to say no to her.

Because I was on my schedule. Like, I was more important than helping her and her baby get up the stairs. And I just, like, that's, I think, what hit me in the face, too. I was like, I was...

Like, I should be like, yeah, I should take a step back and be like, Jesus Christ, you're a human being. Like, you don't need to make sure you make that subway to get to work for something you don't need to be at work for. Right. Like, you don't need to be here till 11. No. And I was I got to work at 10. Yeah. Like, yeah. And I just like I was very humbling this morning. And then it made me appreciate life. And I almost started crying. And I was like, what's going on? I'm emotional. I was. OK, I wanted to say this when you said, like, did you think you would be here in a year? Because.

I look at my like, you know, you get those photos that pop up what you did, you know, in three years. Okay. So three in three days, it will be the year of when I like started my barstool pitch video. It took me like a month to edit it. But I like took a photo and I was like, I'm going to start this. And I was like, at the time, I remember thinking I'm never going to get this job. I can't even believe I'm going to make this video and like attempt it. But it was like, I was like, why don't we just go outside of our comfort zone? We've been in COVID. Try something different.

So I took the photo with like the ring light around my face. You just do your proof pick for everything. Yeah. It's like my Twitter pic. Yeah. And Graham was like, in three days you started doing this. And I was like, oh my gosh, like I never would have thought that I, A, I never thought I would end up here. If I did end up here, I'd be doing solely mother daughter stuff. Then like we sit in this room and I'm like, oh my gosh, like timing is like so crazy. You're almost at your year anniversary, which is insane.

I know. I'm like 10 months in right now. That's crazy. Okay, so speaking of not wanting to grow up, because we've been talking about that, but like we want to grow up. Yeah. I was really. Okay. You're really, Alex is really going to transition. No, sorry. I paralleled the two last night in my head. Because, okay, so I was like, I don't want to hit the year mark. Oh, got it. Because it feels so old at Barstool.

until like last week I was like no come on year mark like I want to see what I've got like I signed I've got a two-year option renew of the third and I'm like let's bust it like gone are the honeymoon stages like gone are me being young and like I'm ready to and I was really excited about that and I feel like it's the same thing because I just turned a year older so did you I used to be like I don't want to grow up and I'm like no come on life like I'm finally like let's do it and I feel like

I feel like when I want to stay younger or when I want to be in my infancy years, like at Barstool, that's when I'm like playing small and I'm like afraid to like look at the numbers or like grow up and like arrive to the party. But now I'm like, no, let's kick it into second gear. And like, it makes me excited to look at life like that instead of looking at it like, no, I'm new here. It's like, no, you're not. You understand. Like you understand the assignment. Come on. Oh yeah. Since, uh,

pre-New York I was always afraid to get older like every time my birthday came around I'd be like I hate my birthday I don't want to get older it's so stupid I'm not fulfilled in my life like I don't want to get older because I I just like I'm not doing anything that fulfills me since living in New York this is the first time I've been so excited to get older but it's truly because I have something that fulfills me and I'm so excited to see grow getting older is

It's cool. It's cool. Like, it's so... What is the word? There's something, like, warm and fuzzy and, like, in control about growing up. I think the older... There was a phase where I didn't even want to think about it. Yeah. And I was like, no. But as we...

I think you're right. I think it's that we're doing something that we love, we feel passionate about, but also I'm like, I want to take care of myself. Like, I want to see how good can we do it? How good can we treat people? How hard can we work but yet still have a nice balance? Like, it's almost like intentional risk-taking becomes, like, a nice priority with age. Do you feel that? Yes. Like, the thing about – I don't remember if you said the thing about direction on the podcast or if that was our side conversation we had where –

It's cool that we have all this stuff going on, but if you don't have a specific direction you know you want to go in, like, what's the point? Because having, like, a good direction and knowing where you're going can change everything that you're doing. Like, we can see. We have something to work for now. Yeah. Like, I think... We don't know what the podcast looks like in a year, obviously. If we did, wouldn't that be nice? Like, there's just no way to know, right? Yeah. But all we know...

is we're going to give it everything we have. Have you heard of the locus of control? No. So it's like the small circle. Imagine two circles, a small circle and a larger circle. The circle that we cannot control is like how many people listen to the podcast. I can't control what you're going to show up and say, either of you. I can't control what the person across from me thinks of me or what a listener thinks of us. But what we can control is like we show up.

our consistency. I can control what I say. I like that. And so it's like, I feel like that goes in line with direction of like, we understand that about ourselves now and we're just like striving to control what we can control and the rest has to take care of itself. Yeah. I also feel like for me,

Finding something that fulfills me has helped me be okay growing up because a few years ago, I felt like I was so codependent on specific things, like codependent on maybe just my friends or codependent on just my job. I always just had one thing that brought me through life, which is really scary because we talked about it a few episodes ago. It's very claustrophobic because if that one thing ends, what's life then? But I feel like with this, I know Mean Girl is one thing, but we have so many things within it where...

I don't know. I don't feel codependent on it, if that makes sense. It does make sense. It's very freeing. Yes. Ever since you made that don't be dependent on anything comment, I have been like,

Don't be codependent. Sorry. Yes. Don't be ever since you made the don't be codependent comment. I've been like checking in all aspects. Yeah. Like I'll even ask myself at home. I'm like, am I dependent on you? Yeah. Am I just codependent on Graham? Yeah. Like do it. Do I need you or do I just want you? It's nice to want the thing, but to not need it. And so I've been trying to journal that, but you know, you know, when I get mad at something, you know, I get most mad at like me.

Yeah. Like screaming at myself. You're very hard on yourself. I did it the other day. I was just like popping off on me out loud. And Graham was like, oh my, like, oh my God. And I was like, well, hold on.

Why am I so mad at her? Do you do that? Do you get mad at you? Because I was like so mad at me. My self-talk is atrocious. Like horrible. I'm so mean to myself. Half the time I'm like, sweetheart, I am proud of you. I'm like, why the fuck is there not turkey in the refrigerator? Because you can't handle it. I will literally be like, is it too much? Like grow up. Then I'm like,

Oh, sorry. You know the saying where it says, talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend? Yes. Start talking to yourself like you would talk to your best friend, Alex. I should think about how I talk to you because I find myself only proud of you all the time. And I'm like, oh, she's teaching me all these things and I'm really proud of her. And then I'm like, and you? This voice.

I know, before the podcast started, I was like, Alex, like, I want to hear about your life. And she's like, I don't like to talk about myself. I'm like, but people want to know about your life. No one cares. It's like, God, what, like, I don't know. I think my therapist is trying to pull it out of me, but I'm like, I don't know what happened. Like, why are you wearing a tank top saying why your hair's up in a bun? Oh. My attire's recently changed and my hair lives greasy. Your life is literally being flipped upside down and you're not giving yourself enough credit. And I want to talk about it.

I am, I don't know if we've told people yet or not, but if not, here goes. I'm fighting in rough and rowdy.

Which is Barstool's amateur boxing match. Which is a massive deal. I'm nervous. You have every right to be. But I'm excited. It's challenging. I never knew why I wanted to do it. I've been obsessed with doing it. And now I'm finally going to do it. Since the moment I met you, by the way. That's one of the first things you ever told me. I was like, she's crazy. And I don't think anybody ever thought I would do it. Also, part of me never thought I would do it, which is why I have to do it.

But my coach said to me yesterday, I went in and I wasn't being confident and I was upset. I was like, I don't have the footwork yet. And he's like, it's been four days. It's only been four days. He's like, you've been coming for four days. And of course it's not muscle memory for you yet. And he said, but you know, who's going to be your worst enemy? Cause he goes, he's like, you're athletic. And, and the muscles are registering what's happening. He's like, you're going to be your worst enemy.

And he was like, the girl you're fighting is going to bleed the same as you, going to breathe the same as you, and probably train pretty similar to you. But when you get in that ring, he's like, your confidence is going to be the only thing that stops you. And I was like, shit. So I'm going to make or break myself. Yeah. I feel like boxing maybe will be good for your self-talk as well. It's going to have to be. Yeah. Also, whenever you're boxing, do you just like...

You know how they're always like picture someone or something that you're fighting? Like what do you picture? I picture a very pivotal week in Mean Girls life where we – and I picture it and I'm like nobody thought we could do it. And I will like beat that thought up. I don't beat people up. I beat up like thoughts. I love that. Yeah. Is it a future or a past?

I beat up, so I'll be running on the treadmill. Running for long distances of time is very hard for me, so mentally I'm scared of it. And we don't listen to music when we train, so it's just you and your thoughts. Oh, shit. So I was like, well, what's going to... The first day, I was like, I could barely make it. And so day two, I'm like, what are we going to think of? And I was thinking, I do a mix of the point where people doubted us, I feel like, with this. Anybody ever doubting me...

me doubting myself, then I also will like think of where it can go. And like that only, it only goes there if we believe in ourselves. And like, I just think of all these thoughts and then I'll just like run and I'll just kind of get lost in it. It's really nice. No one else is hard about it. What the eating that comes with it? Yeah. How is that going? It's I'm very hungry, very, very hungry. When I moved here, I couldn't work out.

Why? I was overwhelmed and it just seemed like too intense. And I had come off like a year of being like really mean to my body. And so I was like, why don't we just, I didn't have a period. And like, I was like, we got to just chill. Let's like eat and like walk to work. And that's good enough for me. Mm-hmm.

Now I feel like I'm at the point in my life where I can do this and really train hard for something, but having to then replenish my body the way I know I have to has been so hard for

for me to be like, you're working out, therefore you must eat more. And like sitting there like, I don't know why that is. Well, it's because we're not, like our whole life we're told the only way to, well, being good is, or being small is good. The only way to be small is to eat less. Even though there's multiple studies out there telling us you have to feel your body, you have to eat in order to be healthy and be like, have a healthy physique. You know what I wonder? What? Said,

Okay. Everyone's supposed to eat 2000 calories a day. I'm like, I'm five foot nine. Am I supposed to eat the same amount as the six, seven guy and the five, one girl? Like there's no, and then I'm like, and then who said an avocado is going to be a hundred calories. And so it was a glass of champagne, but the avocado is better. It's like, who's supposed to keep up with these rules. There's so many toxic rules in this world. And it's also so stupid too, because everyone's

like if you got into the science BMI TMI all that stuff is so different where like you could easily burn 4,000 calories a day so you have to eat more than 2,000 calories to even like live yeah and it's like nobody it's this terrible I was eating a pack of my favorite crackers yesterday and I've never looked at the calories on them I can't like I'll tape things over calories or I will not eat them yeah and I saw yesterday and I was like

I have 130 calories for one cracker. So then I had one and I usually have like five. And I was just so mad because I'm like, you can't go into this scarcity mode. You know, like why don't we just eat to feel good? Like I work so hard in my life every day. I feel like to not care what people think. Like I don't care what people think of me, but yet I want to be like a size for who? Yeah. Ask yourself that. Like,

Oh, so I've struggled with my body image, mind, higher life. Like I've gone through highs and lows. It's been really bad. It's been good. And now that summer's approaching, it's getting really bad again. And ever since we've been in the spot, not the spotlight, but like jobs where we're more public. Camera phase. Yeah. I have this like weird thought in my head that the only way to be successful is if I'm a certain size because all women in this industry are a certain size.

And I always tell myself I'm not good enough because I'm not as small as X, Y, and Z people who are successful, who've been our shoes in the past. And it's something that affects me every single day. And in my head, I literally think I'm not worthy unless I'm a certain size. And it's something I battle with every day. So, yes. How? Every day? Yeah. And it's not for me because I could care less personally. It's what other people think of me. You don't care. Like, okay, wait, walk me through that. So, like, deep down...

If I didn't see another human being, I would be so content with the way I look. Would you even care? I wouldn't care. So like that. So like deep down, like me, I'm like, I'm fine with the way I look. But for some reason, I have this idea in my head that everyone thinks I need to be smaller. I don't know why. It's something I need to work on. I don't. I think it's because I have told myself you have to be small to be successful.

That's the story you tell yourself. You have to be small to be successful. Oh my gosh. Or have like the most beautiful face in the entire world. But why don't you think you're small? Why don't you think that you look great? I don't know. I truly... I don't know. I think it probably goes back to like being called mean words when I was a kid or like...

I don't know. I would assume. And you know what's funny about what you said about being on camera, I guess, is it's so weird how when people see a face or a body online, they are just like, you're ugly. But if they saw you in real life, they'd be like,

fuck, that girl's beautiful. Yeah. But it's weird how the guise of like the internet and the screen is like jaded to, to especially ugly boys and like, yeah, that live in their mom's basement. Someone DM the other day and I think he meant this as a compliment, but it was so mean. He goes, I saw you walking home the other day and you're way prettier in person. And I was like,

That was such a backhanded compliment. Like, why would you say that to me? Right. Because now I'm like, okay, now do I have to make sure I look even better on camera because apparently I don't look good? Like, it's like people don't realize like small comments like that mess with your head. You know what I mean? Oh, they will. They mess with your head. When I'm on airplanes, I'll scroll back and look at photos of like times.

Oh, Times in Your Life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Times Magazine. Just look at the Times. So I'll be on an airplane and I'll scroll back up to a year ago and I'll go to like a friend's wedding. And I'll start looking at the photos and I'll be like, oh my gosh, like I looked cute. And then I'll remember how I felt during that time. And I would look in the mirror and I would be like,

wow, your face is puffy. Then I look at the photos and I'm like, oh my gosh, look how much fun I was having. I'm like, I look cute. But I think back to that feeling of how I felt and I'm like, I felt terrible. And I just would berate myself. I wouldn't want to post the pictures. I wouldn't even want to take the pictures. And it's like, I just wish I could base it off of how I felt. What box are you putting yourself in at that moment that you think makes you think that?

Okay, ask that a different way. Like what is the lens that you're seeing yourself in that's giving it like a negative light at that moment? Like when you look in the mirror, when you looked in the mirror then, like what was the like, what was the filter that you were seeing? I think I feel like if I'm not eating pretty healthy or working out,

or not eating the right amount then the next morning I deserve to wake up and like look puffy if I didn't obey all of the rules in my head I'm like it's like I'm in a race on a track and there's five lanes but I'm in all five of them and every day it's like me versus me versus me versus me versus some new rule right like I just live in like a pond of rules around the food thing and it's

It's like almost habilitating sometimes. And it didn't used to be like this. Like I wasn't this way in college or high school. It happened later in life. It happened when I got married. It happened when I went on the wedding diet. I thought I was fat on my wedding day. I remember putting on my dress and being like, wow.

I am this big on my wedding day. Yeah, I've seen pictures. You look incredible. And that's how I know I'm like, I look back at the photos and I'm like, wow, I was like proud of you. Like, you know, you worked out and like you looked great. And then I'm like, but you were so mean to yourself. Yeah. Like I feel like it makes me feel better to know. Like, I think everyone is that way. Like, it's not just us. Right. Oh, yeah. All my friends.

Every, my mom, every woman in my life, even men too. I also think too, like for me, I know it started back in high school because I was

this big in high school. I was the smallest. Were you really? Oh my God. I was the smallest girl ever. And it was like genetic. I was just, I got so tall. I was like five, seven when I was in like seventh grade, I just shot up. Wow. And I think I was always told like, everyone always praised me for being small. They're like, you're so small. You're so small. You're so small. And at the time everyone thinks they're complimenting you. But I think we forget like

skinny shaming is just as toxic as fat shaming. I don't think we ever should compliment someone based off of their body because if I was like, Alex, you look so skinny today, I don't know what you did to look that way. For all I know, you could have starved yourself last night. You could have worked out for three hours and then in your head you think, oh, I have to keep doing X, Y, and Z to receive those compliments of looking skinny because she didn't tell me I looked skinny two days ago and I ate way more two days ago. Like, I don't think people realize that.

Yeah. You know what I mean? I agree with that. It's nice. The best compliment is like, oh, you look cute. Yeah. I'm like, okay, because I did do my makeup. So thank you for that. But that had nothing to do with anything else about me. So then growing up when I like went through puberty and like actually matured and got a woman's body, I wasn't the smallest girl anymore. And like obviously people stopped saying it. And then it just like messed with my ex. I'm like, whoa, people aren't praising me for my size anymore. Like did I do something wrong?

So I think we just all forget like body comments, positive, negative. They affect people usually always negatively. Yeah. Yeah. I would say I would say always negatively bodies. I don't know. I feel like if there's guys listening to I still am trying to explain this to the guys in my life. Mm hmm.

my dad i love him to death but if i am sitting in the kitchen like standing and eating like before dinner he'll be like whoa like there she goes before dinner and like i can start crying wait but he yeah and he's like honey who cares and i'm like me i care wait alex my dad literally always goes stop snacking and we want to make sure you finish your dinner and i'm like what have i never

finished my dinner and I tell my mom like mom he needs to stop because it's triggering and it's making me have horrible thoughts and she's like I've told him a million times and I'm the same way I want to cry I have stood there and just started bawling out of anger of like why don't you get it and to them they're like what's there to get yes oh my god wow that makes me feel so much better because I used to never I don't know if he used to never do it or I never cared my dad's in my whole life okay I'm like

school maybe he was like oh another Eggo you know and I was like yeah yeah but now I'm like excuse me yeah do not point out what I'm eating never comment on what someone's eating ever the amount even if it's like

How little or how much, like even with you training, like the last thing I would ever ask you is Alex, are you getting enough fuel? Are you making sure you're eating enough? Like that's none of my business. None of my business. Right. Between you and your trainer. Right. Right. And then me and myself. Yes. You know, and then eat the food. Like, oh, it grinds my gears. Like I just, I'll never understand why we put so much pressure on ourselves to be a certain size.

Or like why, why we care, like putting on a suit this summer. I'm like, no one cares what I look like, but me, who do you care what they look like? Could you, do you care one bit what I look like in a swimsuit? No. And you went so funny. So my, one of my best friends texts me today and she's like, I'm going through like a lot of bad body image issues. And I texted her. I was like, yeah, me too. And you want to know what's funny?

I've never once cared what any of my friends look like. I've never once set their worth based off of their body weight, but for some reason I do it to myself every day. Yeah, I could literally care...

The only time I actually cared about what you wore was I did think you had a really cute waist and I was like, you're hiding it. Well, that's what I feel like. If anything, you think, oh my gosh, you look so cute and good. And you're like, fuck, I look like shit. Yes. It's always. Well, do you remember when we went out and we were talking about our height differences and I was saying that I'm short compared to you guys and it makes me feel less like a woman when I stand next to you and you guys were saying it when you stand next to me, it makes you feel like big. Yeah. Isn't that interesting?

I feel so embarrassed standing next to you guys when we go out. Which is so funny because I feel embarrassed standing next to you because you're so cute and little. No, I don't. Short, not little. I feel like a house. I feel like a basketball player. I feel like a child. I don't feel like a woman. I don't know. It's not interesting. That's such a good point. Yeah, it's so true. If I'll be, I remember back to spring breaks and people will be in their swimsuits. And I'm like, holy mother of you all look awesome.

And then I'm like, and yield. You know? And it's like you all probably thought the same thing. Like, it's so crazy. I used to, so, like, growing up, my friends had hot tubs, pools. I used to, like, make up excuses not to spend, like, go to them because I would refuse to wear a suit in front of my friends. My friends should be, like, the one place I feel the most confident wearing a suit in front of. But I used to, like, deny plans because of, like, wearing a suit all the time. Really? Especially if guys were there. I never would go.

Okay, did anybody do this? Probably. Yes. Yes. We all do this. It's like, yeah. Knowing you have something coming up.

Like, okay, so you're supposed to put on a dress on Friday. The Friday before, I'm like, and it's crash course. And I'm miserable. You don't even want to know what I did before my birthday. Really? Yeah. I always do that, yeah. Yeah, it's so bad. The worst. It's really, really bad, yeah. And then it, like, gets up to, or it, like...

hits you and then all of a sudden it just like spot oh it's so bad I think it mentally for us to be like to berate ourselves and be like you have to prepare for this it's the worst it's the worst feeling in the world like it's so mean to ourselves yeah like going to the shore and putting on a suit in front of your friends and your co-workers no thank you I will not be doing that no jean shorts will be on the whole time that should be illegal literally like but that's what

But they don't care. No, but one of my first thoughts was when you were like, you guys were like, come to the shore where you can all like hang out together. I was like,

I literally go, you want me to wear a suit in front of all you guys? No. Jordan's like, no. I'm like, no. In my head, I'm literally like, it's so messed up. But I'm like, okay, I have to get a cover up that I can keep on the whole time. I have to find cute jean shorts that I can keep on the whole time. Like, that's like the thoughts. Not even how much fun I'm going to have. It's going to be what I think of myself. So toxic. Something changed for me last summer. And I never went back. Please tell me the possibility. When I broke my leg.

In about a month, I lost 12 pounds, which I don't remember the last time I... Probably pre-puberty was when I weighed what I weighed. And...

I hadn't weighed myself at this point. And I remember like looking in the mirror and still thinking the same thoughts I had thought about my body. Because you didn't know your weight. I didn't know my weight. I didn't know how I felt. And I remember like putting something on and being like, oh, gross or something. And then I went to the doctor when I saw the number on the scale. I was legit like shell shocked because it kind of all came full circle for me like

I always thought if I lost this amount of weight, I would look better, be better, be happier. And then I had, and I felt no different about my body, not knowing the number. And that, so now I went back to like my natural weight and I don't think about my body the same way I did before I broke my leg. How do you think of it? I just think I'm hot. Like, well,

I just am like, I'm, can you say that again? I just think I'm so hot. Like I do because I always had this thing in my head. If I, if I did this, I would feel better and look better. And it just wasn't true. And I realized that it was like a mind thing. That,

That's so valuable because if you, I mean, like I've fluctuated all over the place throughout my entire life and I've been very small and I always think like, I've always told myself, Jordan, go back to the time you were your smallest. Were you happy? Nope. You were your most miserable. Yes. Isn't that crazy? I isolated myself from society because I was too afraid to go out to eat with my friends. I was in my head all the time. I was the saddest I've ever been. And then I think about when I was my, not heaviest, but my healthiest and fucking love life.

Yeah. You know what's funny? Like hearing Alana say like, now I just think I'm hot. I love that. I thought that was so cool to hear you say like something. A part of me was like, oh my God. And then I imagine me saying that. And I'm like, I could never say that out loud. But hearing you say I'm so hot. I thought like, I saw like, I was like, oh my God. Like, cause now I feel like I look at you and be like, you're so hot.

And now I look at myself kind of in that guise that hopefully other people see me as. Oh, my God. You're hot. Like, I don't have that self-hate because I was there. I reached this milestone that I thought I wanted to reach without knowing. And I still had that, like, self-hate thing. Yeah. That's so powerful. So I knew it was fake. Do you know what I mean? Such a cool moment for you to realize. It was. It really was. I was, like, shocked. I remember being at the doctor's office, like,

completely like I felt like my world was flipped upside down. Wow. So your takeaway was like, I don't know. It doesn't matter. I won't be happy even if I lost a hundred pounds. Like it doesn't exist. It made me realize that all that self hate is like completely not real. It's like being afraid of the dark. That's so true. Yeah. Well, that's not real either. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I don't know what size I am ever anymore.

I can't go on a scale. Oh, no, that's good for you. Yeah, I can't go on a scale. I'm saying even looking in the mirror. Scales are crazy. Oh, same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, no idea. Lost it. Can't remember. I... Oh, my God. It's amazing what our mind can play tricks on. But something that comforts me in a really fucked up way is... Wheels are turning? I always think, I'm like, okay, I have people in my life of all different sizes, and I'm

smaller than me, bigger than me, my size, none of us are happy. Like that sounds really fucked up, but like it makes me realize like we all are struggling with our size no matter if we are the ideal size that society tells us or the size that society tells us not to be. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, definitely. What started turning in your head when I said that? Well, I was thinking, could you say I'm hot?

Could I say that you're hot? No, you're hot. Oh, yeah. Say it. Can you say it about yourself? I'm still working on my confidence. No, I can't say that. No, same. And I think we should try to say it because when she said it, I was like, I believed Alana when she said it. Same, I believe. Hell yeah, you fucking are. Yeah.

which I can like feel that energy from you, which makes you even hotter. Yes. Thank you. I knew you were going to say that. I was like, she radiates it. You do. You do radiate like confident. I'm hot. Also the whole time we've been having the body image talk about even talking about it on here. I could tell she didn't have it. Yeah. She and I just got out of it one day. Like I, and it's, it's hard to explain, but I feel like when I look at myself in the mirror now, I look at like the essence of me.

Rather than like, oh, my thighs look bigger than usual. I'm like, I am, as the essence of myself, I am, I'm hot. Yeah. Like when I walk to work, I feel like a hot girl going to work. And you can walk and you have like the strength and like the fuel in your body to do it. Right. Oh, I read this book one time just the other day. And the girl said. You read a book one time just the other day. This wasn't recently though. My most recent book I read. Yeah.

So she said, she's like, okay, I can weigh, let's say I weigh 10 pounds. I can weigh 10 pounds and murder myself, make myself go to the gym and not eat a lot of food. I can weigh 10 pounds, eat whatever I want, work out some and not even think about it. But no matter what I weigh the 10 pounds, like nothing in me changed, but I'm so much happier if I'll just let go of it.

Like, in fact, you might even weigh nine if you just let go. Like, you're just happier about it. Like, if you can get to that place, you're like, I'm hot no matter what. Like, there are days where I will starve to fit in a dress, and there are days where I will make myself try it on when I feel my worst, and the dress fits the exact same. Yes. I think we forget how, like...

How hard it is to gain weight sometimes. Just relax about it. I guarantee we're fine. Also, we're freaking females. Hormones, people. Every week we're going to fluctuate. Also, we're females, people. We need hormones.

beautiful, like, fat on our body so we can produce if we want to produce children one day. Like, female bodies are these magical things that do all these crazy things and I feel like we forget, like, we need to fuel it in order for it to do these crazy cool things. That's so true. Like, the amount of

The amount of worry that we place on our bodies and like the amount of space it takes up in our brain is a tear, terrible. So mean to you. Yeah. But be, it's so unnecessary. Like,

Just I you're so right. Like, I just want to relax sometimes and like eat the fucking full avocado and then another one if you want to. Also, who taught us these rules? We're all going to die one day. And I'm sorry, but it's not going to matter if you're a size zero or a size 20. We're all going to die. No one's going to fucking care what size you were. OK, when you really didn't change sizes, probably I can mentally be seven sizes.

I will buy sizes that don't even fit me. And I'm like, in what world are the, like, grandma will be like, who bought those clothes? And I'm like, me for my body. Because I will fit into them one day. Like all the time. Like I'm going to buy a size because I will fitness. No, I never fucking know. Never. I'm the same size as I was two years ago. I'll buy sizes up.

I mean, I usually buy oversized things because I, in my head, think that I need to wear oversized things. It's the only way they'll fit. Yeah. And I'm like... Body dysmorphia. It's literal body dysmorphia that I grew into. I would pay money to see myself the way that, like, the people who love me see me. If you saw me the way I saw you...

You'd be like... Wait, did you hear what you just said? If you... No, what did I say? You saw me the way I saw you. Oh, if you saw you the way I saw you, if you saw me the way... No, wait. If you saw yourself through my eyes, you'd be like, damn! It's safe for you. If you saw yourself the way I see you every day, you'd be like, holy hell, I'm the hottest girl in this world. Yeah, and I think about you, and it's just like...

I'm over here boxing against myself. It's actually, it's so fucked up. Say you're hot. I want to make it a TikTok noise. Okay. You first. It's your idea. You go first. I want to go first. Yeah, you go first. I'm fucking hot. I'm so fucking hot. Oh my God, it's like swearing in front of your parents. Worse. Wait, we've got to be able to. We've got to be able to. It's like the penis game. Yes. I'm hot. You're so confident.

I struggle with this department. I can't talk about myself. I know, which is so weird because you're the most common person I've ever met in my life. One more time. I'm hot. I'm hot. Is that better? Faster. I'm hot. Why? Why are you hot? I'm hot. Why? Because I cannot. What? I cannot answer that. I'm blushing. I'm not in the hot seat. Jordan. Say it.

Oh my, I know. Why is it so, okay, this is so pathetic. I'm hot. It's better. It's better. Go. I'm hot. That wasn't with conviction at all. I'm hot. No. I'm hot. Hot. I love doing it for you. There we go. Yeah, I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. I'm hot. It's like, no, I'm, no, you're, I'm hot. No, you're hot. I'm hot. And she's hot. I'm hot.

Wow, that's really hard. Let's work on it. Yeah, because the thing is, it's so weird because I just said, like, you're the most common person I know, and you are, I feel like, in all aspects, but to you, you're, like, not in this aspect, which I would never have known. Mm-mm.

Up until this week, I never knew you thought this way about your body. I didn't know you did either. Like, we've sort of... Actually, like, a couple glasses of wine, we're always like, oh, yeah, have I told you about my body? Yeah. And then we'll both be like, too much. Don't tell me. Well, and I think the reason why... I mean, the reason why I don't talk about people is because I've learned in therapy, like, I cannot project that onto other people because it's triggering. So a lot of people don't know I struggle with it. But then it's hard because sometimes, like, people don't... I don't... If I make comments, people don't validate those comments. I don't know.

I think the one thing we have to remember is like everyone deals with it. And like, I know one thing we didn't want to do was trigger somebody. Cause like I can be easily triggered. I know you can too. But like we, we also, I feel like we just shared our own experiences. Yeah. Right. Did we do that? Yeah. Right. Yeah. And it's okay to feel this way. And like, if you do feel this way, I want you to look in the mirror and say, you're hot right now. Do it right now. Right now. You should even see if you can like that. What a test.

Like send us a, send us a video on Instagram. Like DM us a video of you saying it. We won't show it on your story. Yeah. I'm hot. Post a selfie. Hopefully we can make the sound of sound on TikTok. Yeah. We should make a TikTok after this saying I'm hot. It's going around and making everyone in the office say they're hot. But why are you hot? What makes you hot? I like my teeth.

That's a good answer. Yeah, that's really cute. Do you like your lips? I do now. Yeah, I think your lips are great. Hey, Alex. I mean, sorry. I do. That's good, though. What's hot about you? I think it's your charm. That's nice. Your energy is hot. I'll take that. Because I thought you were confident. Yeah, I do. Obviously, your face, too. Your face, your hair, your body, everything. Your face, your lips, your nose.

Your eyes? This is a hard episode for us. It is. Yes. It's also very eye-opening. Yeah, it is. Because, like, also I think confidence truly radiates. Like, I think about, like, um...

Like when people do wear swimming suits, I think like the hottest people are the people who have like the confidence with it, like the charisma with it. You know what I mean? Like I'm never like, she's a stick thin model. She looks like I'm always like the girls who are like, hey, yeah, yeah. Like shaking their booty. I'm like, they're hot in that bikini. That, you know what I mean? I have never, when I was in Miami, I never thought the stereotypical like thin toned

Never once looked at her and was like, damn. But I did look at the girls with the good bodies. Like the hell yeah. By good body, I mean the walk. The swag. The bikini pulled up to here. The hair. She kind of just did herself up and I was like, damn. You know what? I thought the confidence was hot. You're right. That's the hot body. It truly, I think we literally forget how much it radiates off people. I can feel your confidence radiating onto me right now. 100%. When you said I was hot, it was like, damn. I need my sweatshirt.

Yeah. I wanted that. I was like, I want to say that. You are. And I can, like, also feel our confidence lacking. I'm like, ugh. Like, ew. Right. Ew. There's nothing more unattractive than, like, someone not being confident, I think. Yeah. 100%. Like... Thought it out. Also, like...

Literally, I swear to God, the older I'm getting, the more I'm realizing books are literally now 60% confidence. 100%. Sometimes they're 70. Literally. Like someone's, you know, like the trend where it's like, he's a 10, but he does this. Someone's was like,

Like, he's like a four, but he is like the, like the, he makes you laugh like crazy as the best person on the road. It's like 10. It's like, it's all fucking confidence. Oh yeah, I guess you could reverse that. Did you see the one of like the big guy going up to girls and be like, if I was skinny, would you date me? Yes. And every girl is like confused.

If you're genuinely confused, they're like, what? Like, I would date you now. Like, what's your personality like? Yeah, like, it's so, like, funny. Like, yeah, everyone thinks that about themselves. Like, if I do this, then people will like me. But it's like, no, if you're cool, people will like you. Yeah, like, one time...

One of my friends was telling me a story about this girl, and they were like, she's normal looking. I mean, she's not like a showstopper. She just looks like a normal girl. But her confidence is so crazy high that she gets every guy that she ever could want because her confidence is immaculate. Yes. And we always talk about that. It's like, why won't I learn? Would you rather be stick thin, which is, I think...

our idea of like, I think that's what we're working towards. Would you rather be stick thin or would you be like happy, confident, excited, energized, silly? That, which is so crazy to think about. What about you? That, all day long. Those are the, I'm like, yes, that. I've got that. Because I've been the stick thin, unhappy girl and I literally was like, it was very sick and I was very depressed. Grumpy, I was grumpy. I didn't see, I literally, I remember that time in my life and I was so messed up.

My life, I should rephrase that. I was just so sad. Like, the situation was messed up that I thought I needed to be this size and I wasn't even happier. I just keep asking myself, for who? Like, if we are, we're like, I want to be myself and I don't care what anybody thinks about me, but I do care if they think that my body looks a certain way. It's like, why there? And like, I'm not like,

Not like Graham cares. Couldn't care less. He wouldn't even notice if I gained or lost 20 pounds. I don't think the man would notice. No, and he wouldn't care because he loves you for who the fuck you are. Yeah, yeah. And he, like, hates to see, you know what's hard on him? Is for him to see me be like, you know, like late at night, I'm like, I'm kind of hungry. And I'm like, let's go get something. And I'd be like,

should we literally know and he's like why not and I'm like I don't know it's one of my rules you know I think a guy that I date has to be so uh like because like you know there's a lot of guys they like say like uh just stupid things about food they're gonna be like oh you're hungry again that's like a joke like I have to make sure the guy I date is very aware of not making food triggering comments

Because I've dated guys in the past where they have said stuff as jokes to me, and I'm like, I can't be around you. And then I've had my ex-boyfriend who used to do that to me, too. I'm like, I'm so hungry. He's like, let's go get McDonald's. I'm like, no, it's 8 o'clock. I can't. I already had dinner. And he's like, but you're hungry. I'm like, I already had dinner. Yeah, I can't. Like, we would say I can't. You know the worst thing I ever did to Graham? What? I put him in charge of not letting me eat snacks.

Like I was like, if I go to get the pretzels, like you can't let me have them. And then he told his therapist that I did that. And his therapist was like, oh, no.

My God, like a she should eat whatever she wants be like I was torturing him into like being the person that was like the scarcity like gatekeeper. Yeah, everyone was like this is the worst thing in the world. Like you're gonna start hating him. Yeah, they were like this is like bad boundary and I was like damn that's not anybody's problem but my own.

You know what? I've said this a million times, but my favorite thing about this podcast is I truly feel like I leave feeling so much better about myself. Like, I'm going to leave today. Like, you know what's so messed up? This is so messed up, but I'm going to say it anyway. So we have Alex's birthday tonight, and I was, like, literally planning on not really eating lunch.

up until today because I'm wearing a dress. But I'm so hungry right now that I'm literally going to order a full meal and eat a full lunch today because I need that. Yeah. I can tell my body is like, you're so hungry. Eat like it. Like, and that's because I had this conversation with you guys. Yeah. This, I think we started doing this podcast because we were supposed to, like we had to respond to the video that Dave did and we had like a certain amount of time and he would just like put out a video and I don't even really remember what it was.

But it has evolved to like the best hour of my week probably. Like we do, we come in here and we just like talk and you have to be honest and real be to feel good about what you say. But like after this one, like I have the urge to cry, but I don't think I will. But it's like I feel better because I feel like more, I feel less alone. Like I'm like, you're not the only one that stands in the mirror and is like, you know, like honestly, like hearing that, like I have someone next to me who is

who has gotten through it and is like on the, the brighter side of the body image thing. And then having someone who I like, honestly, I like would look at you and be like, I would, I strive to look like you, but no, you struggle and you look at me in a positive light. Like it's making me, it's helped me so much. And that made sense. It makes perfect sense. Yeah. I feel that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it's, so I definitely believe here.

feeling so much better yeah and more confident that's what it's all about yeah and I hope people listening to yeah and guys too like guys struggle oh yeah guys do not get enough they suffer in silence yeah they never allowed I I know a lot of guys who struggle with body image and it's really sad because they don't feel like they're allowed to struggle with body image I think swimsuit season is really hard for guys taking your shirt off I think is something that

We think that they're fine with no matter what because guys listen to this part. Anytime I see any guy of any shape or size take their shirt off, I literally could care less. I could. I'm like, good for you. Like you took your shirt off. I don't care for abs. No, guys. I don't.

I don't. Yeah, I'm cool, but I don't care. If you have abs, you know what I think? I'm kind of like, will you relax, like, a little? Yeah, like, you please. Calm down. Yeah, like, have a carb. Like, good for you, but, like, I don't, like, good for you, but it doesn't really change if I'm attracted to you or not. No, I'm not always hot. I'm like, eat a burger. I met, when I first moved to New York, I met this guy who was so fucking hot, one of the hottest guys that I've ever, like, had the chance with. And we went to dinner, and he was like, oh, I can't eat that. Like, I, I.

I don't want the pasta. I usually just eat like rice and chicken. Like I don't even like to go out to dinner because I'm so regimented with like my work. I never saw him again. Yeah. Yeah. It was such a turn off because I'm like one unhealthy too. I need to live life. Wait, no. What's a non-sexual part of a male body that you are like so attracted to? Legs. Shape of a leg. Arms. Hands. Arms. I love you.

Big hand girl. Really? Oh, yeah. I love like when you, like when a guy's like. Like forearms or biceps? The whole, oh my God. The whole arm. Forearm. The whole entire arm. Whole arm. But when you see a guy, guy's forearm and you can see like the veins. Really? Yeah. I'm a, I'm a zero muscular is involved in this. It could be the largest leg or the smallest leg ever. But the shape of them, like slightly bowed. I like love, I love. Calfs.

No but it's an arm for me Like when I see a guy move And you see like a little Like a little bicep movement I'm like It doesn't matter if it's big or small I'm like Yeah just like that When I see them like Holding a glass at dinner I'm like Hey Hand Cause like you think about It's cause it touches you Yes Not me Yes I have a Hand would be my top five Like Yeah If Graham puts a hand on me It's actually like It would affect you It's like this part of the arm It can It can You know like I have veins right here Yeah When I see the veins Do you like when a guy Wears a bracelet on that forearm Yeah

No, I'm only a chain girl. I don't love bracelets. You guys don't know how I feel about it. If I see a guy with a necklace, whoo, whoo. Say less. That's why I love hockey guys because they always wear the necklace. Don't.

I wasn't going to. I did think of that, but no. Okay, I feel like we have done the ears justice. I feel like maybe this is one of our most best friends in your ears. I mean, I'm mentally like, don't bring up another subject. I am complete for the day. I'm hot. I'm so hot. Me too. I'm so fucking hot. Me too. I'm so fucking hot.

Very hard. If we clip just that part, no, it was difficult. Yeah. Like, comment, subscribe to podcasts, YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter. We're massive on Snapchat. So if you have one, go find us there. Leave us a review on Spotify and Apple and follow us on our YouTube channel. Subscribe. Subscribe to the YouTube channel, which one day I will do. We love you guys very much. We love you. That was so good, Alex. And I hope everyone has a great beginning of their July.