How Your Relationship Is Keeping You POOR (w/ Alex Hormozi) | Ep 202
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Picking the wrong person can break your business. Picking the right person can make your business. In this episode, where can explore how this effects business owners, employees and single people. That he was like two weeks ago.

I want to say that we were talking about that we correlated every high performer in the company with having immense support, if not encouragement, not even a support and encouragement from they're significant other or they don't have one or have one that is a lot of meaning. They are just not interfering with their career. And so that creates an environment in which they are a top performer, at least the way I see does I care less about the fact that IT affects their job here. I care more about the fact that IT affects their life and their goals. I think what IT LED to like a bigger discussion, ross, which is like how many people that we know that they chose the wrong person and because they chose the wrong person, their life has not turned out how they wanted .

to to yeah think when I was thinking more about IT after because we talk like a whole evening on just this .

one topic .

the yeah he was which is actually a pretty media discussion for us to do. Like a two day topic on IT. I was talking about IT more and I think there's like four levels of spouse or significant other interference or support in someone's life.

So on the most negative, you have somebody who's actively trying to sabotage the person's drops. So they're like anytime the person's frustrated, they lean into the frustration. So they're like, yeah, they do suck.

You know what? They shouldn't work you that hard. You shouldn't have to do these things like lots of shirts. And I think an alternate diversion of that negative is the competitive spouse who wants to beat their spouse. And like if this boss cuts ahead, they've see that as a bad thing. And I think that happens more often in unmarried partnerships and married best to think that happens in both because it's they don't see us one part. It's still like two separate bank counts or two separate scholarship ards rather than like our collect school board.

Yes, I think one degree after that, you have the neutral, the oof, the like, you have a job I don't want to hear about IT, but just as long as he does not interfere with what we want to do, which I think often times that ends up over time becoming the negative because the more involved the person gets in their career, the more they will call, bring work home with them, because their work is their life, and they just are really interested and want to talk, talk the person they care the most about with IT. And I think the grave for that is you have support, like the active support. And I think for most people, this is like the best to that most people wound up getting.

I think the fourth, which is extremely rare, is where the person actively helps the individual. And that's previously like working spouses, working relationships where they like actually work together towards the safe goal. And I think that's still I mean, I used to think there's like cheerleader full back, which is like this person's cheering for you, this persons on the field, and I created them. But I actually the more I thought about IT, the more I think if we're just talking the long term, then how could you make the argument that somebody who's actually helping you actively rather than just eliminating other things that distract you? So one is removing negatives, and the other one is like actively adding positives too.

And I think that can look different for different people. Meaning like adding positives can be that somebody makes work easier for you by what they do at home, you know like the way that they take care of the house, way they take care of the kids, you know things like that um and they encourage you to keep doing work the way wanna do work or could be like us or it's like, you know, we're all in on doing the same thing together.

I think why we were thinking about this more is that like we've seen people who have potential, who we've hired, we've brought on the team and through a poor mate selection, they have gone from rising stars to stagnant or even declining because it's kind of like this, this continue. Its kind like if you're driving a car quickly, like a tiny steer, direction doesn't change very much when the person is a low or middle vel person.

But as they move up, it's like the cargos faster and each tiny little viar interaction makes a bigger change in the person's trajectory. And so I think this was just like a theme that we've seen and we try to like back validated. We were like, okay, let's look at past companies that look at past employees looked look at all these different in scenario. And IT just seemed to be like a one hundred percent correlation. IT was like we could not find a scenario where we had someone who consistently moved up, consistently improved, consistently out Better and didn't have a suspense that was basically all in with them on their career.

I don't have you remember this, but when we first got married, I remember someone telling us that a healthy marriage or or partnership more so, how is positioned in a most partnerships that are what people consider Normal. When one spouse is down and they're thinking negatively ve about something, they're having a hard time, they're struggling, the other spouse is here and then they come down here with that spouse.

And what this person told me that reinforced how we interact is when one of us is down, the other one doesn't go down with them. Like if one of us is feeling negative about something, I active them, like i'm going to feed into that. I'm onna.

Remind of the goal with our mind of all the hard work when our mind of what what you want and you do that for me too. It's like encouraging. It's not like, oh, no, don't talk about that, but it's you can do IT.

You're so fucking strong, you've got all these things going for you. You've work so hard. This is going to pass in a week like all of these things. And I think what you see is just like over time, enough times, somebody just pulls you down and pulls you down and pulls you down.

IT feels like they're being empathetic in a way, but they're actually just soling seeds of double and they're feeding into like what our brains do, which is always go towards the negative. What reasoning with me is when I heard someone say you have to make a home to the dinner table. If you really want helps someone sky rock at their career, you have to make a home to the dinner table. And IT has to be good news at the dinner table.

Well, I say two elements. So one thing is. When you have a spouse or a significant other who's at home and you have that negative day, right, what happens that I can understand why that sign nipping other will take the next steps of about to say, which is they both reward the positive behavior. They they reward with something different than work, uh, and they punish talking about work in a negative way.

And so that creates a two sided incentive that that makes IT really hard for the person who is struggling with work to talk more about IT or work more because then the partner associate work with negative and says, don't talk about that or like they're pushing you too hard, right? So that's them basically puni shing them talking about this thing they are trying to get through and then also says, hey, why don't we take some time and wash neffy s why don't we go out with friends? Why don't we? whatever.

And so in an attempt to help the partner, they end up creating a positive continent ency around them not working, and a negative contingency around them working, which are two separate things. But they do them both multi ously. And so when you do that on a consistent basis, IT, and this is where we talk about like what happens over the long term.

This is those little nas car moves were like a little bit like IT happens once and then IT happens again, and then the car starts steering. And so that person who was otherwise a really big contributor of a sudden doesn't find themselves dedicating discretionary effort in time towards the worker, their career, because everything they do at home is punished, and they have alternatives to work that are given to them by their space that are put reinforcing. But where is especially tRicky is where that spouse or partner then wants this person.

They want to enjoy the fruits of a really good career, but actively are punishing the person for talking about their work and actively distracting them from the work that they do. So makes you even harder for them to succeeds. So at some point, the rubble hurts the roads.

I think most times the rubber doesn't hit the road. IT just happens in the person's career. So the problem, like reality, has to set IT at some point, either the conversation has to be had or it's like, hey, this seriously important me and so I need to be able to talk with the suffer. I need to be able, like just work through that out loud. And that's just how I process things, and I just need to support me. And like, that's where we you start giving instructions and directions on, like when I say this stuff, this is what I would like you to do, rather than you hear me say something negative and you take, that is direction to encourage negativity, and then distract me, like, fundamental like that, how you translate me coming home upset, which long term makes me worse at my job, which net on our whole life is not a good thing, because then my career will get off track, and then we'll both suffer.

Has this ever happened to you?

Yeah yeah. I mean, i'm curious is like for my prospect to obviously .

like it's more traditional for like a guy be like I don't want you to work so much because like are you going to do all other stuff right? It's like i'm used to getting that until I met you, but i'm curious for you I guess .

I like my baby.

but i'm curious for you like what was like how did you handle that and how did you go into our relationship differently? Because when we met IT was so clear to me, I think we were both really clear about what we wanted in terms of support in achieving argos.

Well, I say i'll say I had two two relationship to prior. They had two of the scenario I asked about. So one was the competitor.

It's like both of us were trying to compete with like who is going to achieve more um and so that was kind of like very, very like passive like passive aggressive, which then and I think long term ends up creating more space between you in the near both kind of driving these separate lanes, but not because of the benefit of the whole you're just driving, you're basically growing apart. The so i've going to through that. I like IT.

And so then the uh a different scenario was um actually more akin to what I was describing earlier, which is why feel like I have more like you know emotion around IT, which is um where you have someone who's a really well intention and wants to help but wants to help by getting you to not work and not talk about work. And so that like the way that looked was like, you are like these other things that are just me out and it's like, okay enough talk about work for you um let's talk about my IT and so I was like, men, I don't I don't want to care about your day. I'm still not done processing my day right now. And so the thing is, is like if work is the thing that means the most of me of my life and it's like I no longer can talk about the thing that I care about most. That's tough when i'm talking the person data care about most.

So then going into our relationship after you got out of those two relationships, what did you decide?

Um well, for me was like that I probably have Better, worse for this now than I did that. But I was just like I decided that my relationship with my goals was my most important relationship and so is like i'm just not willing to sacrifice my relationships without for anyone. And so that became one of my non negotiations going in whereafter.

IT wasn't a non negotiate, was even a discussion because I to be faster than have them much experience with IT overall, or at least the goals that I had of like studying hard things like that were, I guess, more common place. But I was just like, this is the thing that matters most to me right now. And so like you can get on the trainer, you cannot be like the trains leaving.

Was that hard for first?

no. I didn't think so. I mean, at beginning of our relationship funnies like.

I can't picture .

you even tolerating that .

I know and I am just i've never been that person, so I can't but I see I have an all time.

you know, was that he was a decision bride was like this I mean, you know, like, you learn through experiences like, okay, I thought this wouldn't matter. I thought the traditional set up would work. Going to think maybe for some people that does. But for me, I was like, this is my life. This is like these goals mean a lot to me.

And if I were to play out the alternative and areas of like I have a meaningful relationship, but I don't achieve any of my goals or I achieve my goals and I don't have a meaningful relationship, I would rather have the goals, but I think that there's a way where I could have the goals and the relationship. As long as the relationship is aligned with my goals, then you can have both. But I think a lot of people afraid and because they feel like the false choice exists in their is no alternative, they just choose wide, rather not be alone, which I can understand. But I think that I had been, i'd never felt more alone then when I was in a relationship where I felt internal conflicts between what I cared about most and who I cared about most.

I think we've both probably to find goals the same way, which is like the reason that the goals mean more than the person, because the goals are actually a relation with itself.

So that really isn't know what I care about most. Who I care about most is said you, it's like IT feel selfish to be. It's like you have to care about you more than you care about the relationship. And if I think it's very much that you have to put your air mask on before helping others, you know, the ethical worker around that people have seemed to seem to sleep while within society.

But like if you feel unfulfilled in what you do with the vast majority of your life, for most people will spend more time working than do anything else in their lives, which is really just a little ship that you have with what you do on your own. That's tough to sacrifice all of that just to not be alone. But the thing is, is like I think that's a false answer.

It's like you are alone because you're not able to be you and said, then you start having a split life for your one person network is who you really are and then you have one person that you have to act like at home. You can't talk about the same topics. You can think the same things. And some people are like why I wanted leave work at work, which is fine. It's just that's not how I work.

I think it's also interesting is like when I was thinking about IT, when you talk about like goals, I think most of them they here to say that they think, oh, it's like work, monetary goals. But I think there's so many different things that can be because we've seen IT where it's not just that a spouse conflicts with, I would say, like a monetary or but like a spouse conflicts with personals, like health, like other relations, like so many other things that somebody y's looking to achieve. I me I would say health is right on the first yeah.

let's stay in an eat cheetahs and you're like, i'm trying to like now it's I gate like, like, let's have some fun. It's like that means that any time that because when you say a statement like that IT also means that any time that i'm actually tried to push my goals, you are implying the opposite, that IT is not fun. And like I don't, I reject the premise.

The reason I think this is so important is that when I look at my life and what i've achieved, who was in my corner, had the largest influences on that, I got to look at what I was able to achieve on my own versus with someone who was actively working against me. And I don't think that was deliberate by any stretch of the imagination. But just if we look at what happens as a result of this person, not intention, not desire, not good dwell, but just when this person is in my life, IT is less likely that I achieve my goals.

Just simply saying like that, I was less likely to chief my goals. I had I struggled with business ah in the early days and then when I went on my own, I did much, much Better just working like basically if I removed in interference, I simply did much Better. And then when you came in my life, not only did I remove in reference, but I know how to support.

I had like before, a bad dog gets worse because the person feeds into the bad day and distracts and says, we hate. We have these other, you know, things that are also important, which if that's what that person wants, that's fine. I just might not mean that i'm the person for them, which obviously I wasn't.

Once we were a line is like you get your negatives become neutral and your positive to become superposition ves. And I think i'm in the difference. I mean, everybody in the world looks at the monetary change, but I look at the inner in my my personal change of who I was able to become as a result of having the support. And I think the business growth was just a consequence of personal growth.

I think why is so important is also because you become like the people who spend this time. And so when I look at myself and getting into the relationship with you, i'm like, i'm going to become more like him in some ways.

Now I would say that the more intelligence somebody is, the more deliberate they can be because I know some really intelligent people who are with people who are maybe not so intelligent, they're very deliberate about not simulating anything from that person. But I think, like, we both learned a lot from each other. And what scares me is to think, what would you learn from a person if they are not someone that you aspire to be? Like.

people pick their spouses. Like, who do I want to become? Like, they would pick very different spouses.

I mean, I think it's such an interesting topic to me because growing up watching you, my parents got divorce and then they they dated all these different people watching that, and even just how much they changed and their personalities changed based on the person that they were with. I immediately was like, oh, you become like these people that you date.

And if they have big areas that you do not fuck with, you might, if you're not careful, you absorbed those areas. And so I thinks really interesting because I think one thing that we've actually always say, I think we've done well, is we try to take the best from each other. And then wherever I think because we are kind of like things that I like, I tend to stress more.

And so i've learned a lot of acceptance from you, right? And then you tend to want to move really fast and you've learned patients for me. And so I would say like wherever each of us were, like weaker, which I would say like in general, not weak, but like weaker, we've learned from each other. And so it's also been very complimentary because there's no like big out points that either one of us have like absorbed. But if anything.

it's been like a net positive for both anything you for me, i've learned kindness from you. I would say that I was much less empathetic in general.

Yes.

yes, less than I know. I have been slow path, but I learned a lot of kindness from you. And I think that, just to a degree, you've also got ten some teeth for me. No, for real. I think that there were too many times like that. I saw, like in the early days of us, like, even just eating, you had these relationships, friend der otherwise that like you needed to be willing to cut and people that took an interview that you needed to be able to be like now like basically more standing up for you.

It's interesting because I feel like we both .

had those a two degree. It's really true, I think may specific.

main specific. And I think that it's that we listened to each other when we said like, hey, this person's is not good for you because we knew that we were aligned in that I was helping you achieve your goals and you were helping .

achieve Michelle.

And I think that that's the interesting part about IT is like there are so many times where somebody says quit the job, cut the friend, do well and you can't even trust IT because they they're not a lined with your goals and something is not line with your goals and they have separate les. Then when they give you advice or they speak things to you about whatever your goals are, they're completely online.

I think that's the only that that's the major brand we have is just that we have the same goal. Our past there and how we want to develop ourselves within that greater goal are different, but we have that same big goal win towards. It's like if you win faster, I went faster. So we just know that we're aligned in that sense. And I think that something I love will miss out on because they don't get aligned on are we trying to go the .

same place yeah I think both of us have done a good job of protecting one another.

And also like at times being like you pick up the fuck up, you know there's been like a few times that you ve been like this is not a big deal and I be like. Okay, I believe you.

You know what I mean, anything you said I believe you rather than like, okay, I accept that. But it's like I believe you it's actually a little bit different.

Yeah, I think it's like just thinking about the the times where there's been times, I think for both of us that we've been like we got this like we don't need to we don't need to divulge t into this. This is not a problem. This is not. And I just I feel like IT is reduced amount of drama for both of us in our lives.

And personally, I think to such a degree that when I see these relationships where people are missing line, it's almost like people want to capitalize on creating drama out of chAllenging situations for each other because IT helps interfere with the other person's school, which is good for this person, because they, I want them to achieve their goals, because then that means something for them that's bad. They lose one of this person's time. They lose one of their interest.

They become further grown apart. So like, they are costly, trying to prevent this person from tune their goals. And so it's like they right?

And just a Better not that's .

what's crazy is that I think everyone listens to like toxic people. Like I don't think anybody most people in general, like I would not say toxic that they are missed, but then you call them toxic because they're ms lined. So it's just twisted. It's like you have the nicest person the world, but that they're completely mislay with you is still like to .

help you mean I think the biggest filter that abused for friendships and you know significant visibly, does having this person in my life increased the like her that had my goals. And I ve just used that as my one hundred percent razor for all relationships. Friends are otherwise.

And that also means that you can have somebody who you don't necessarily wanted be friends with for a lot, very long time. But if they increase likely to get your goals, then there are things learn from them. And I think that's been really viable for me.

And I think also there's a temporal component. So like I mean, we talk about seasons a lot, right? And I think that a spouse who's not in the know or significant other who's not in the know exports everything to forever, like whatever happens now is what it's going to be like forever. And then therefore.

I can't deal with IT. See well, that recently, huh? Interesting actually.

right. And so yeah.

and because of that, I need you to not do these things that are going to help propelling you towards your goals because I can endure a season.

right? And it's typical because that person's has never even seen the person go through a season. So if you go from being, you know, basically, I would use like a simple me business owner examples like youth. If you're starting a business then and you've been in a relationship with the person for a year too, then it's like they've only seen that one thing and they don't even know what a season looks like. And I think seasons do last longer, says seasons are sometimes three years, five years and some people are willing to do with that, which I think is fine, is just that if you are being influenced by that person, then be sure that that's the trade .

you want to make. Is IT think listening to ARM .

because some trains only take off wards.

Suet um was IT Johnson and it's funny because .

like .

he's one of the most successful people in this world. And I mean, he talked about IT. He was like, I have unfaithful support and not even to support, but encouragement for everyone around me. He's like, and I do not think that anybody can achieve outlands goals without that. IT is a requirement, not a luxury.

And when he said that, I was like, man, it's a requirement to help people like this around you and that really meet me, think about, like, we have people come to us, solve the time and say, I have these goals. And what's hard for me is when they want help with every single thing besides the things that they don't want to look at, which are, who are you surrounding yourself with in an outside of work? I don't want to touch what people do outside of work, but IT has more influence.

I mean, there are so many sizes who here with outside of work has more influence on your work than inside of work is so difficult. Because it's like cardie toe the line between, I generally want to help people. I want them to achieve their goals, whether the'd be here somewhere else, I also have my own. I know in their perspective, they like will lay obviously wants me to work harder and be here and all it's like I don't actually give a shit like in general, I want you to be the best human you can be, but I also have .

I want you to work there 出事。

But it's it's been such an interesting line to toe because I can see so plane's day when it's interfering with someone's goals, even when IT doesn't seem IT, it's not insidious and never is. It's it's not is the easy ones are the ones so like p, you should break up with that person, they're hitting you, you know mean or or whatever. But it's always the difficult ones, and it's just interesting to see that.

And we were talking about this. And so when we got thinking about the word requirements right, like this is a requirement yeah for success. This is a requirement for the next level and maybe this boss can support you up to this level of your career but will not be able to support you for the next level. So it's in some ways it's like that's boss. I think you there's some Michelle obama quoted something like that but basically it's like um SHE is equipped that if he added a different guy, that guy would become president whatever IT is .

and but in so .

far to say that her sport was so meaningful that that one of the things I got obama elected, I think that there's there's illness of truth to that concept, which is there are some there are some significant in others in some significant buses that may only be able to be with you for this season. And then that's a tough it's a tough reality that you'll have to face, which is either they need to change your udo, which often means you have to change your goals, which means you change yourself, or they have to change they're willing to tolerate or with the ruling to accept or you just find other people. And I think a lot of people really don't like that.

no.

But when we were talking about this with rods to team meets, we even were like toss ground area. Like maybe we should be interviewing spouses because IT has such a mean, IT has a perfect coalition. We could not find a single person that became not only started well, but then continue to rise. And what was interesting as there are some people who we who started, who had higher potential when they came into our companies, but then slowly faded or fizzled or got distracted IT or you like just IT, was clear that things they their priority changed right um and in every one of those situations there is a spouse who's pulling them out.

And on the other hand, we are people who are they have had mediocre potential, but then we just kept seeing them just like improve and get Better and then we'd finally meet the space and be like, oh, this makes complete sense because you in a guy situation, the wife's like whatever he needs so that he can do a good job. I'm here to support like i've got the home front down if he needs to work weekends or he has to work late, I get IT like, you know, you guys have a job to do and he he loves his job and he loves this work. He finds IT really meaningful. And I just want to support him in that because I love seeing him get his dreams you his dreams come true like that. Like when you have that at home, it's it's really hard to fail too.

I mean, I think of like, you know yes, mean and how like unweave ing huh yeah is the opposite yes, but that's my reality, right? And Ricky would literally do anything. He wore the demons lag.

He wore the hat. He ran races in the jomon slag, and he came what he could to like any company thing. And he love you guys. You know, like, just like all he did was trying to support her so much. Now he works here and they worked together because he, even when times were hard, he would message me and be like, he needs little exter encouragement today like, half like, and I know he would get so pissed off when he would find out that he would messed me.

But I was like, we're both trying to help her achieve her goals and that is like I think about like why she's always been able to continuously improve and and impress me with like how much he can take on and because there's just it's like if you were to test him, he's like, no, this is what's best for her. She's growing. She's investing in herself.

We we're going to figure out and like they're such a great team and how they worked towards that. And then SHE does that for him too. But I always really impressed me. You know, I think that's like we would see magin K E like how they were able to take on g mage, just like unwavering support in both directions.

And the thing is, I think people think when you work in the same business that it's like, oh, you you get the luxury of like having the same schedules and the same. This is like we so often it's complete opposite. So it's like you'll be like ky, i'm not going to make IT for dinner.

My cool. See someone, you get home, you got the thing. Do you want want to mean on my kay? I can have lunched together to do this because like, i'm handlin the thing or it's like, get got IT understood.

I want to head on the mayan people because I think is very interesting. So and I think when when and if they listen to this, they won't take, it'll take a the way.

No, O, K.

I mean, kill him. In as a front line sales rap, Maggie came in as a front line customer service, and both of them, over years, work their way up to the top two positions in that company. And so I see that is when we talk about potential versus actual.

They came in with few experiential skills, but because both of them reinforced working hard and doing good job and did this with a newborn e kid and a Young child and out the gym that they had the beginning, which they eventually know sold and then continue to go moral in on this like that is the virtuous cycle of having a supportive spouse who gets what they they see themselves as a unit. So they think, and I think this is probably one of the bigger meta things between couples, is that unless you see the unit as one, IT becomes very difficult to be supportive. And I also think that there is a high degree of trust between the spouses and us. So like with us, for example, as like I think Ricky knows that we just want like we just want.

We're never, yes.

we just wanted help and whatever what we can to help. And I think there's trust there. And so if if we were like herrick, I think SHE needs to work seven days straight and you can see the kids, which we would not ask that.

But i'm just saying like in like that's my hypothetical extreme. He'd be like if they're asking for this, they understand the cost and they still think it's worth at for her. And so there is a level of trust there and I think that, that takes time to build and what not. But then obviously, IT takes character in and track record to show that you have consistently delivered on the promises that you've made. Um but I think that's how you create life for us in terms of like it's really just like families being involved in the success of a company and building a team more than just individuals.

Yeah that makes law sense. And I think that piece on the unit two like I even think about the verb ge views with each other if like are always like, think god, there's two of us literally like all the time. And I don't see IT like when it's so interesting in people like you feel competitive.

And I. Like i'm like I I enable so that he can win. You enable so I can win. We know what we're both focused on and how we went together. Is that an interesting question? Because it's like I even think people, even sometimes closer to us, are like, oh, it's like people don't know how close we really are.

You know how I think we are yeah that wounds so interesting because i've heard you've on a pocket like you feel competitive with alex. It's it's like a almost a demonstration of how little you understand our relationship.

I create the environment for him to be competitive with other people, right?

We are very competitive .

against other people. Yeah, it's like like being on the football team and you're like watching somebody is just makes no sense.

Like if your cabin in the true leading team, for some reason, don't want the quarter back to score the winning touchdown because you want to look Better than the quarterback does that day. But if the team wins, everyone wins.

Yeah IT is yes, so interesting. And I am trying to think of like I don't even know what creates because there are people that can be married or working together, but they don't have that level of they're not a team. They are not in. No, I don't know where that comes from. The only thing I can think of us eating ship two years.

but I do think that and this is me being a little from marriage, I do think that things feel different when you get married because I member, when we got married, if influx I was IT wasn't. If we have a wedding, we just signed paperwork and we were officially married, we work that morning and then we work the next day.

Um but I think there is a huge backed or anxiety you like worry of like that one potential of like are they really in? And then I think at that point, you can really just say like this is us, like this is our family, this is our unit, this is, this is how this benefits the whole. And then the decisions should, in my opinion, should get made from there. I think a lot of couples just never get there even when they are married, because, I mean, marriage is still just like a legal contract but at least for me, I intended to not get married again um and so he was like, I well, we're all in. We will make this work as long as we are both or towards growing.

I think that's actually the key, which is like we both said, like I don't want to have to be married twice. I want to be all in because we're both like I don't want have this to be. I mean, the drama downs of people that have to get divorce and do all stuff is just like a waste of life.

And so it's like, I think we both were in the fundamental belief that if we need to change, we will to make IT work. And I think we have both adapted to each other in many ways. That has also made us each Better in our own.

And I think we always look at IT as like, like this will make me Better as well. If IT wouldn't, then that would be like, okay, if I would have to change is going to make me worse as a person and is not one of my values share. But like in what instances I have, recurred never IT always .

makes us Better. Yeah, think that the big one was the goal. And missionary gnant, because of that, I think that like underwater, I have, I think like in under what context word we not be together, right? IT would be if one of our goals, if we didn't want the same thing fundamental.

And I think that's really just what IT comes down to. And I think a lot of people don't pick their spouses based on what their shared goals are. I mean, some people don't even talk about their goals.

Dict ous, I was like our first day. Like first I was like, this is what I want to do. Would you like to come with me?

yeah. But I think that that's not is because most people don't know their goals. You know I mean, yeah and I think even now I were able to articulate or go so much Better than we were in the beginning. We just do. We were like trying to put in go places you know I mean, like you'll do whatever takes yeah hunger .

but it's been like, and if if the goal shifted, IT was more like, I got clear more than IT changed .

yeah IT was blurry.

But I was like in the beginning I was directional. IT was like, I want to go this way and we we'll figure IT out as we go. But if one day you were like, I don't want to to build these things, that I want to build hospitals and build cities and do this in order, like see what two people can do in one lifetime, I would, they would be very hard for me because I would be asking me to not be me yeah. And I don't know if I would be able to do that.

We expected to no.

And I think that i'm saying I think fundamentally, because we both that goal the whole time, we've never i've never felt like i've I mean, we get probably for lots of flag from the unit for this. I've never felt like i've had to make sacrifices for you like I haven't had to compromise my goals, which is another way of thing, like I hadn't had to compromise myself in order to be in our relationship.

Yeah, I think I was really nervous in the beginning. And then over time, you only continually reinforced to me that I could be myself because there was so many years of conditioning to hide what I really wanted. And I think that's actually like what you've taught me a is just like complete self acceptance.

A lot of IT has been like me just sharing things with you of like how I really feel or like so makes say like the dark side, like dark desires and the things that I want that feel in contrast with what maybe society projects on what I should want. And you've always just been like incredibly accepting every time, even like when I was like to, I don't want to make dinner every night. I don't want do all stuff and like, I was really worried.

I was like, oh my gosh, like this is but I was like, it's not a line of my goals, like me cooking dinner every night to be a good wife. I value myself here leading people, making people's lives Better. That lights me up, making lizana does not. And if you're like, I give a work.

I said, if you want to make dinner, I will be happy that you made dinner. If you want to make money, I will be happy that you made money.

I think the question that people need to ask themselves, does this person make IT easier or harder to achieve my goals? And IT doesn't mean that they're actively trying to say .

you doing there are bad person.

No, doesn't mean anything. It's just like it's that simple of a question. Also, I think that the proxy to that is like, do I respect myself more or less being in a relationship with this person? That's something that I prompted to, you know, a friend of mine months ago when they were trying to navigate a really tough relationship. And I was like, do you I watch you lose respect for yourself every day that you're in a relationship because this person is actually you're trying to go towards your goals and they're actively dragged you away. There was someone active and then it's like, not only are you not going toward your goals, but you're actually degrading your sense of self.

I think, is also the like. What traits about this person do I admire? Number one, because whatever they have is gonna be off on me.

And then if I see myself with a benda of my traits, and there is, does that new person? Is that new person more or less likely to achieve my critics? And so like I know that I need to be more patient.

And so you having patients like, yeah, I had to them without, well, I may be a good thing here. If I was a little more impatient. That probably really that would probably be a good thing, that probably increased likely that I hit my goals.

And I think a lot of people have really mired significant others. Just really like like just a human. great.

congrats. They're like, this person did not leave when I was there. Pyto, that's cool.

Actually interesting like because we even met somebody who said, like I met this grow on date and SHE is never left and that's why they were with that I guess he like brother bags and then we just like first kept like your positive think this is a the right person .

for you yeah you just hung around again. It's like like I I love the sort of griffe door from her potter said again IT. But I had a in chama on IT which was IT only drinks in that which makes you stronger and I think it's like you're gonna are that metal, you are that sword and you're going to be putting yourself into a bath with this other person.

But you may not only take in that which makes you stronger, you may just take in everything and that may end up making new weaker. And when I say week, I mean less likely to achieve the things that you want or become the person that you want to become. And I think it's just I think it's very hard for people because everyone is just so being alone. And I think maybe the first step is being O K with being alone, being like I I would rather be with just me than be with someone who makes me less like me in order to be with them.

Mean, I remember before we met, i'd been a lunch. Like almost two years. I got a bad relationship and like, what am I doing? I don't want to recreate that again, you know? And I think being alone was it's just never.

And even so, like even now, if I like, I like, we both actually really like a long time, which I think is really important in terms of like there's we don't have like high requirements, you know, I mean, everything such a bonus, which I think is actually what I really like, is things that when I was Young, we're told like you need, you have needs, you have emotional needs of these. The thing was all a fuck and lie. And I think it's actually really unhealthy if you have to put, quote needs upon a partner.

And I think i've become such a Better person and a Better spouse for looking at things as like bonuses, like if we get to spend an afternoon together on sunday afternoon, bonus. But if you tell me that you have to work or I tell you that I have to work, fine, i'm not going to upset about IT. I'm going to go to do stuff for myself yeah right.

Like a lot of people don't know how to be busy. Basically a lot of people have nothing going on in their lives, yes. And so they require their spouse or significant for attention, affection and approval.

They need that me there like, hey, i'm bored, entertain me. And some people literally say that, which find ridiculous. But I think a really good limited is, what is this person entering my life change about my behavior? And so thinking OK, when I am on my own, I work out like this.

I like this. I work like this. I go to sleep at this time. These are the social things that I find meaningful or interesting.

Now, when this person enters my life, how many of those things that, when I had nothing interfering with me, SHE their expression, do I work glass do or godless? Do I eat differently? Do I spend my time differently? Well, if that occurs, then all of those changes will certainly change the outputs of your life. And are those changes, the outputs changes to the outputs, what you want? And I think most people, they really look to themselves the mirror like, no.

yeah. I think the thing really interesting that I want to actually prompt for, which was, if you remember the person who, when you decided that you think thought so, we broke up, let's a wind, we were dating. We'd been working together for like eight months.

And then we broke up that this was the break up for anyone watching. Alex was not talking to me much. And so I went into his office.

We were working together and I said, do you want to break up? And you said, yes. Then we broke up.

There was no drama, there was no fight. And then I was like, I was so gonna say, I think you said, do you want? It'll leave.

I don't remember what I think is I thought I was, do you want to break up either way? Maybe either way. sure. Then I was like, okay, but we're still not working either.

I want to to talk about that. Yeah.

I want to watch this, jim. And then during that time, we still works together. But we on't we talk at the end of the day and call you and tell you like what was going on the facility, what happened and what was the conversation that you had during that time. Because I always thought that was such a great way for, like if somebody y's watching this and they don't know how to know if somebody y's write for them, that somebody could use as a measured two.

also two things that were of the most significant from that. So one is how lila handled the exit gave me such great insight to her character, which was like, that would be really Normal, I would say, ninety five, nineteen, ninety nine times out of one hundred if I had been in a relationship, or someone had left what they were doing to come with me, and then, you know, we break up whatever reason, they would probably just be like, screw this guy and everything associated with him.

But I mean, I always said, like, used to talk when things were rumbling around me the reason that for me, when you, as I recall, IT said, do you want me to leave the answers? Yes, because I was so well I did know ban with for anything I was dealing with ah the D Y thing I was dealing with the frail partner. I had two other partners that were asking for me to do things in night like three or four different businesses at the same time.

I had nothing like I had no band with I zero attention and so IT was more like I just can't right now i've got even the idea of relationship is so low on my priorities list right now when SHE left IT, IT was just basically less guilt around not doing what I was not supposed to be doing I thought I should be doing um and so gave me some attention backs I could create room. And so the first thing was how you behaved on the exit was so classy and so filled with character and all the traits that I would deem admirable. You still showed loyalty when I basically didn't show you any and then you showed me respect when I probably wasn't respectable in that moment.

I wasn't worthy respect, given how much my life was in shambles at that moment. And I think that was partly big thing. Number one of pro ola. The other was that I saw a coach for ninety minutes every day during the time that you were gone, probably like five weeks, something like that, and during those note minutes every day, he would start worth what's top of mind, like what's on your mind was taking your attention. And so you just slowly, we just start stripping away, like, okay, let's with this, let's do with this, let's deal with this just I kept up working through this list and when I came to, okay, so what are you going to do about this girl because we're still talking every day right?

Um only that work though .

yeah which was amazing. A what do .

we do now?

Yeah I know nothing change. Um and so he said, well, look at your steps I was like, what you mean? He is like, look your stats.

He's like when she's in your life. He's like, do you work out more or do you work out last? And like, well, SHE works out.

So when he goes, the german on, my god, all go. And if I want to go, SHE goes. So like we both, if one of us goes, the other one goes. And so I work out work because every time he wants to go, I don't want to go. I still go.

It's like, okay, it's like, what about food is like like are eating healthy or united is like, well, SHE preps food and cheese healthy? And so whatever SHE makes up, it's ali, right? And so yeah, i'm actually you and Better me a little althias like, okay, plus is like, what about what about work? Does he support you with your work? And also like, I mean, yeah, literally SHE actually does the work with me and IT, I would literally take people when i'm busy so that I can stay, you know, like, so you basically protects my space.

He is like, okay 啊， does SHE spend money? Do you make more now, just objectively than you did before? I knowers like, that way more is like, huh? So your healthier, you work out more, you make more money.

You have somebody who is not dreaming, not even neutral, but adding to your financial goals and is helping you focus on because another part of this was I had all these different businesses use like as SHE in favour review, having all the stuff or SHE in favour review focusing on one thing he was like, you just says, focus on this one thing that's working he was like, so she's good decision making was like, yeah so SHE helps to make good decisions and so basically which one columby column and everything was up, he was like, maybe something to consider. And so when later came back, I basically just told her this exact same thing. I was like, when I am with you, I am Better and so I would like to be Better, and so I would like to be with you.

And so I think fundamental, that was one of the main decision points in our relationship. And when he went there also as a sideline, so he showed me also shows me respect, but also you crushed IT. So wasn't just like that. You went through the motions when you went into that launch. When I wasn't there, you set the all time record.

And I think that was so telling for me about the type of person you were because like, I was always used to being the guy who had to put hit, you know, the team on his back or or whatever, to win the game. And he was just nice to have somebody else who could also, when the game was on the line, fucking crash. And I was like, man, if there's two of us, you can win when the games on the line.

Then every time I wasn't going to win, if you win, then I just increases the I could we both win then I think for all those reasons, IT became a large ical decision to be with you. And I think there's A I think there's a lot of wisdom in this this one part, which is if you stay together, if you are together because of your emotions, you all wanted not be together when your emotions change. And emotions change all the time.

But logic rarely does. And so if IT logically makes sense, free to be together, then when you're emotional, the logic will still be there. IT still makes sense us to be together.

And I think that's what allow has for me, allowed me to have very little second guessing concern. IT just been like now, this makes sense. Like there, this makes complete sense. There's no very little air. There's a very little movement in that for me.

Yeah, I think it's I think it's harder in the beginning and IT gets easier over time. Like I think in the beginning, we put in a lot of work, I think about IT. I think that we've gotten to like I don't know, like reap the reward of that over time. Like IT feels like IT actually gets easier with time.

IT was a bit in .

the beginning yeah because I was so different from what either ever but IT just and I think the first three years .

were relief tough first.

But like now, IT just feels like just momentum, you know, I mean, like our partnership, how we work together, how we understand each other, although things take years to figure out .

a question for you. okay. So when you were away and then you came back, why did you decide to get back in the relationship?

I think I just really understood where you were coming from. When we when we broke up like I saw how things were when you were like, yeah, I want you to leave or break up or whatever I was like get that makes sense um I didn't take IT personally IT wasn't .

persons .

and I saw glimpse ses of you when you were not so stressed and in data with all these decisions. And I really liked to that person was and I felt like that we could really make each other Better. And so I think that was part of IT is like I didn't I didn't take you personally and I wasn't humiliated, embarrass, anger like I wasn't angry about IT.

I didn't hold IT against you in anyway like the event itself are breaking up, like was not a thing for me. I think that if I rewind when I met you, I had had a list of all the character traits that I wanted in a person as well, like non negotiable als. And I remember .

that you broke.

I broke that even after catch.

And I wasn't like I became broke.

didn't something? yeah. And so I think that I grounded myself in that logic. And I saw that I you represented a lot of things that I had deficiencies on.

I think that, like complete self acceptance, I don't know if you remember this. You know that, like, he was like our second data, something barely knew each other. And like he walked out of your room, but asthmatic, I remember this and you were on the phone.

I was like, you going to come out like what is going on and then I literally remember you like what and like why and you were like, I like water on naked and it's like such a little thing but I was like, wow, I judge myself so much that I don't even want to want to walk on naked to see myself because of critical I am and I like, wow, that's like, so freeing, they must be. So to be able to do that and also do IT in the front of somebody and not care what they're gna think or say and something you just like so many things. The second was, you know, like, I think you told me on my heart for second date, like the worst things you've ever got, like you're basically these are the worst things about myself of the worst things i've ever done.

And I don't want any secrets. And I recognized that I again judged myself so harshly for so many things that done in the past that IT like crippled me with insecurity. And they weren't even things that were a big deal. But they were a big deal because I kept them them to myself.

And so I think that along the way, before that incident happened, like I just recognized, I had so much I could learn for you, and I thought that you would make me Better because I recognized, like, those were things that I lacked myself. And I believe that if I partners with somebody who had those things, and I did recognize as well the things that maybe you were looking for, that I had IT felt like a mutual exchange, like we got to take the best of each other, and that would make both of us Better. And also, I grounded myself in the logic all time, which is like, this make sense to me.

And I think that I had read a lot about lasting relationships, and how the relationships that made the most sense logically, are the ones that last longest. And all my relationships prior to that had been easy in the beginning, harder later on. This had been harder in the beginning, and IT has continued to get easier as time has gone on. Like now, IT feels like riding a bicycle, just like I understand you, you understand me, we know how to work together IT only gets Better over time. And so this really paint out.

I think the exchange things really interesting because um I know the guy ever felt like I had an exchange with the person that I that I was dating. What you mean like never felt i'd never felt transactional at all with the exception of you. Oh and I mean, this was I was looking at ongoing joke for the first like year of our relationship. I kept telling saying a little like I don't know if you're just like trying to absorb all the things that I know and then you're just going to leave with all of my skills like, I just I felt like you just like not stop like can you teach me to do this?

Can show me how to do like and I mean, I did have a lot of skills and I was like, yeah like you don't need to worry about too much about that like I i'll keep running the ads so you don't need to worry how how that works because I was so afraid that he would actually like, thought I was slippery yeah this my own security. I thought that he was like, if I if I taught her everything, I knew that if you would have no more use for me. And so I mean, in probably on some level, that's insecurity for always going to be useful for everyone.

They are always having skills to exchange. But but there was no one we are. But I also learned a time for you, unite. I think we talked about exchange a lot in the early days of our relationship, mutual exchange. And I just think that I don't think that that's common.

Yeah like how are we going to add value to to those lives?

What would you going to learn from me when I can learn from you?

It's interesting because like when I think when I hear somebody say like shi, just accept the fact that this person's not supportive. I think it's just a tradeoff, which is like you can keep them in your life, but you will lose respect for yourself and you will likely also sacrifice these other things as you want.

And so it's like you could keep them in your life at what cost? And are you willing to pay the Price of that? And some people are, and I think a lot of people aren't.

But I think I always relate IT back to lake. If being in a relationship with this person, I lose respect for myself, then all is lost. And i've been in relationships where I realized that I was losing respect for myself every day because they made me a worst person. And IT didn't matter that their intention, or how great they were in many different ways, or how nice they were or anything.

The fact that their influence was something that I had to fight or trying to select in order to achieve my goals, I had won an internal conflict, which was, like, I say, I want these things, but i'm not willing to do what IT takes because i'm not willing to get this personal of my life. And I, under all you know, even if I ve been with this person for years, I knew that they won the person who was going to help me get where I want to go. And then I had this internal conflict of, like, what do I do? Because I love this person.

I care for this person. I don't think they're bad person. I also feel like if I have in my life, I can achieve my goals. I had conflict.

Enough was enough for immediate exit, multiple relationships, because I recognized IT distracted me from everything, IT distracted me from the relationship, IT distracted me from my goals and IT distracted me from even just like being alone with myself and my thoughts. And so in a lot of ways, I didn't think IT was worth the drama. I say drama is a distraction, drama, whatever that IT creates in your minds, in your life. And so even if you maintain IT, I think the fact that you know IT in your fears with the things that you want create enough drama that i'm just like, i'm out. I don't have a tolerance for that.

I think for me I was I always had a greater fear of not living up to my potential than I have a alone and said.

for me.

that is the greater motivator, anything. A lot of people have a greater fear being alone, the knowledge up their potential.

Yeah I do think that through of IT.

I mean, is just what do you fear most and that's from away from give flippity towards whatever. I'd rather have a meaningful relationship to achieve my goals or become the ultimate version for myself, Steve said in a positive turn. But I think if you let's say, you relisted to those who you're watching this in your like now, I do think I would rather become the ultimate sion of me.

And I don't think this person is the person. I think i'm trying to break down what feels like a big event into like breaking up somebody into its constituent parts makes IT a lot easier to do. And so it's like I don't anna break up with so and so like, well, what IT means it's like I overreach simplify things on purpose to try and make them less intimate. That's like I have to vibrate my vocal cords in the direction of this person and then after I do that, after a certain period time, that personal leave, and then I will have to call a moving company in order to remove that person's belongings from my personality.

We will have to determine happens the end, we will have to turn .

the a right and then like, and I will and again, it's because the thing is, when you make that big break, then it's like, I don't care IT like animals or not, you know I mean, they're not going to help me to become a party version .

of myself or whatever, right?

I logistics yeah no totally yeah um or I have to move a different city now it's like, okay, well, I have to book a flight and I have to rent some place. And so what we have now, our expenses, not problems.

I think that there's a lot of conditioning. And I think this is sign that i've actually seen a couple of people. We are really well, we're like IT has to be a very bad thing.

But if you're breaking up with somebody in order to get into relationship with yourself and with your goals, why would you not be happy about that? Yes, they're going to feel loss, which can cause you to feel sad. But you also fill that hole with something that you were you had sacrifice the entire time. And so I think they're so much stigma around IT. I should feel sad for a certain period of time when I was with this person, for a period time to and people feed into a too of like.

oh my god .

is bushed and I think, you know, before I met you, I was in a relationship and then I went to a therapist and he was probably like the only good therapist to ever seen.

And I remember I said, like, you know, I just feel really sad because i'm not with this personally more and he said, well, when you break up and I was like, well, yes, seven weeks ago, almost been two months I was like, but I heard IT takes half the time that you're with somebody to get over somebody SHE was like, nothing that stupid and I was like, stupid I remember he was like, I think takes long as he wanted to later I was like, okay, so what does that mean? She's like about thursday and I was like, what she's get hobble by thursday, you're over IT and I was like, what does that mean? She's like we stop talking about IT and you move on and IT was so funny because it's like my relationship prior to that one, I would say like I had dwelled on the break up and I had been like a whole messes of a thing for months and I like distracted me for moving off my life.

I didn't feel Better about my self for IT. I certainly wasn't happy. And this time I was like, I actually maintain a fairly positive view of the relationship.

Because the weight ended was not so traumatic, I just moved on off my life. And I think so many of people, they use words like, heart broken, I am heartbroken. I feel like a part of me has died.

It's like, no, your heart has not broken, nothing has died. You are no longer in a relation of somebody. In the reality is you to find somebody else and you can forget about them in five years.

So said said, in terms of behaviorism though, you have a contingency of positive reinforcement that has been moved from your life, replaced. So what happens is you simply like getting over someone is simply how quickly can replace the source of positive reinforcement that's literally.

And so I think that for my life, i've i've been maybe this isn't shocking to people, shockingly resilient to break ups, like to the point of people being like, you must be a social path. But I think that i've just always had this big bucket of positive enforcement that I get from my work, that basically, whatever hole is there, I can fit with the thing that I want to do with all my time anyways. And so is like alcohol.

I have this empty hole, and I would just pour the stuff that I love doing anyways into that hole. And then I am like, basically, I have the same amount of positive enforcement in your life. I just switch sources and this is where you know there's old address like you know the way to get over somebody is is to find somebody else, right? And some people hate that idea, but I actually think it's fundamentally it's just true.

Some people have social society numbers is like wise that that at six months it's OK to start dating somebody else. So what you have to process is like what is processing even mean? It's simply like you have to be good.

You have to be good on your own, which I agree with. But I think that just means that you have to know how to find positive enforcement, stimulate in your life, on your own, so that you can see you are not behold into someone. Because if I require this person's positive enforcement in order to exist, then it's called penalty.

In my, in my my view of the world. And so. I think I so I just walk somebody in our company through this, but I wanted to give him warning flags.

I said, so this is what's going to happen. You're going to have this conversation. You're going to figure out the logistics of moving, separating belongs whatever as like. And then what's going to happen is the first week, you know you're going to have all this time that you didn't know you had.

And as I would encourage you to fill IT with the work that you find the most meaningful and with some of the habits that you wanted to do when you're all in the relationship, but you couldn't do for logistic constraints or whatever, like they don't want to work out, you want to work out whatever like to fill IT with that stuff. Now in a few weeks after that, what you'll start feeling is, again, a longing for that person. And that is again a reminder of the possible bly enforce that used to have the issue is that negatives feed with time, positive remain.

And to, by the way, this is, is why, in general, like when you train, wear reward versus punishment, reward sticks, punishment doesn't. And so that's why when you you drink and you have to hang over the next day, you're like i'll never drink again. In the next weekend, you're drinking because the punishment of drinking has faded in terms of its importance to you, but the positive reward associated with drinking hasn't.

And so that's why you keep going back. And so the bad relationships are a lot like drinking, where you then start yearning for the the drunk and and high of seeing that person again. And the positive things because obviously a relation for reason, some positive that gave you.

But you forget as soon as you get back into IT or you talk if if anybody he's ever gotten back into relationship or I kind of a started down the path again, then they like, oh my god, I forgot all these things this first first it's crazy. I forgot these mood and whatever IT was right um then you're reminded of the hangover, you're reminded of the punishment. And so then I told the individual that write down all of the bad things, all of the reasons that you're choosing to do this.

And second, when you have those read IT again to remind yourself of the punishment that you are choosing to do away with. And when I say punish ed, I say that in the very like literal, behavioral says nothing the person was like hitting them, or anything like that resting like there is a diversions, consequences of being in the relationship. They couldn't do something, things they wanted to deal, and they had to give up some things they, they did.

So what do you think about changing a spouse or partner in order to like you? Like, okay. Well, i'm not sure i'm on the fence like me. There's elements of this person that I like. There's almost this person that I don't like. So for example, on the beginning, you said you had seen glimpses of a version of me that you, that you like, but obviously had other behaviors that I drank too much, too much, too often, 8BBA peaced changing。 I think I feel the same way .

that I view somebody in the workplace, which is, what's the rate of progress and what's my return on my effort going to be. You know, I think what the drinking thing like you acknowledged yourself that that was an issue, prompted the conversation with me. I was fully prepared to like me, like I, if this happens again, like I can, I have twitch a history with this is just like to ever.

And you prompted IT. You immediately stopped progress. So I think I think about, can you change somebody? I think the question is at what cost and then how quickly do they change? And if someone is less intelligence, they probably take longer to change.

And I think that they have to change on their evolution, which is the difficult part, because if you're trying to change the main direction they don't want to go. I think that's the fun amo SHE is are you trying to change them to be something they don't want to be? I mean, the amount that people come to me and they say, how do I get my wife to be like later? I want to I know it's dk of this book one.

And my god, I was like this you don't understand? Like it's not like alex met me now, so I wanted all these things like I wanted those things and met him and IT worked between us, but people don't believe me. So the first is that I do not think that you will succeed in trying to change somebody to be something that they don't want to be IT will be very difficult.

The second piece is if you're going to change somebody, the question is how long is not going to take and what Price do you pay for that? What are what costs do you incur in the time it's going to change for that person? change. And so like the example is like the drinking thing is immediate. It's like obviously, you're very smart and you can change quickly.

If somebody hasn't, there's an versions event that occurs or something occurs, they give feedback and IT IT doesn't happen immediately, right, right? What was going to take while? And I think the third piece to IT is if they are changing, how quickly do they change? Because again, it's just like how long are you going enough to wait to resolve the situation, where to get IT to a point where it's a relationship that is productive rather than destructive.

And if you have to endure a destructive relationship for three or four more years, but you you're in that sweet spot like you're you're twenty eight, you're thirty, your thirty three, whatever IT might be. You like that that kind of your golden a so it's like, I think I look through IT like can I change this person? Do they want to change if I do invest the time and changing? And what is my return on my effort is even work my fuck in time, but I just start over scratch and find somebody else, get a version to point out.

Like, seriously, I think about that employees. So I think about investing in somebody to stay. Is, is this worth return on effort? Or would IT be easier to start over with somebody else who is more aligned with the goals that I I also have and already has some of these skills, character traits.

whatever one of the most attractive? thanks. So you have, like that moment when I walked out, negated or whatever, an equivalent moment for me was, I think I told this story before, but when I would say something funny, you would laugh and then be like your stupid, like you do whatever that thing is.

And I remember now a few months and to our relationship is like, hey, just, you know, I don't really like that. If you could not say that when you're laughing, that would be a lot to me. And so from that day and it's been years now, you have never done that sense and it's just like a microwave ple of your ability to change quickly.

And I know didn't have the same words I have now back then, but used to say, like, you were the most cultural human. And so that your ability to respond the feedback quickly and permanently is unmatched. And when I saw that, I was like, wow, this is this.

Like, basically, if someone is extraordinary ily coachful, then you can actually overcome a huge efficiency quickly and so that you get a very high return invest because you yourself also get rewarded for prompting the the change or the suggestion. And I think also having the the counter or the relationship where you can give feedback, the other person. And this is where I think humilities important and self awareness.

Where, when, if you were to go to your spouse and say, hey, when you leave your stuff out, IT makes me feel like you don't care about this house at all, or that you expect me to pick everything up, up for you if you could not do that, that would be a lot to me. And if that person says I had no idea or not a problem, or says I hate doing that, if I do this solution, does that solve the problem? In either of those situations, they're trying to eliminate whatever the problem is.

And if they can do that immediately, then I see that is a very promising thing. It's just that most people can't. And so I think a lot it's like but I mean, for me and I think we we will see things really similarly like when we look at teammates that were trying to bring on, I think we more and more have continued to look for people who have very rapid changes in behavior with feedback, which we to find this intelligence.

And so if you have a dumb, dumb as a signal fy other, and when you give feedback, they cannot change, whether whether because of ego or because of incompetence, makes IT very hard to be with somebody. Because the thing is, these conditions are going to change. And so you are going to have preferences that shift over time. Now the stoic you know response is like basically deal but um I would prefer to use as much of my deal with IT you know rubber band of resilience on other stuff that is not my spouse yeah .

and I think this is actually .

a big the big discussion we were having actually relation to this whole thing was to that very compete people, people who have high potential are still high potential people when they have a negative attracting spouse. It's just that fifty percent of their intellectual effort is going into managing the relationship that they have rather than getting a productive output for that effort.

It's like they have to spend all of this emotional time and effort into managing their emotions, managing okey, angry, dealing with this person who when they get home, has a big flare tension for the fact they came home later. They they didn't to fill some unspoken expectation that they have like that takes a lots of manage. And so all the sudden, like how their, you know, dealing with their team, where their supporters ness or where their supervisors, whatever IT is, starts to fault. But that actually doesn't mean that the person in any ways has less potential or less raw effort talent, just that they're being drained from this other person and a lot of times still aware of IT.

It's like people who super overweight and then they lose weight. And it's like you watched this because this attention IT was taking their attention. I think one of the things that we talk about the most of how much we value our relationship, not only just not taking attention and not having drama, but giving us attention back. You know, I mean, and I think I think we .

both value a lot. I like being left alone a lot. And I think if you have that preference. It's worth stating and deliniates for your spouse or significant other saying like there's a very big difference between I don't want to be with you and I would rather be with myself and a lot of people take that is like why don't you want to be with me what you matter me where you upset you're like IT has nothing to do with you. You were not involved in this equation and I think being would explain that he voice taking that I mean, it's never even been an issue.

You're like.

I like being I like works great. It's like if you my great off time for me, it's like I specifically have very little need for quality time. Like I feel like if you and I saw each other once a week, we obviously each other more than that.

But if we saw each other once a week, I would be like, i'm good. I like, I don't need a lot where I D, I don't need. I don't have a high requirement for that.

And I think that trying to find someone who has a similar. Match of needs or requirements also just make significantly less compromise occur. And I think that, that benefits both peaceful all.

If one persons like, I want to have quality time all the time, you have to call me everyday, you have to, we need to spend three hours every night together. That can be tough if you, if you like, if you're like. I don't need that now because then means that those three hours are basically just the cost for you. Again, there's exchanges.

Is IT worth that? Maybe I don't know, but one of the things that I ve repeatedly said of why I think this relation is worse so well, at least for me, has been my behaviour before and after I been together, IT changed minimally. And you more or less accepted the preferences that I had in terms of and didn't cast judgment on them.

IT wasn't like, oh, he is this way, therefore is bad. I was just like, he is this way and that works well because I am this way as well. And so I ended up just being a mutual benefit. And I think if you're matching up, like you have the basic traits of the person and your your traits and how much they match, and then for the in between stuff where there's things armers matched is how kohap is that person to to match the preferences you may have in basically solution ing to figure out things that can be mutually beneficial for both of you. Like the if I got a vender to clean my socks up and pick them up because I don't feel like kicking them up, does that solve a problem?