Violet Benson On Daddy Issues, PCOS, Egg Freezing, Finding Confidence, And Why Everyone Is A Loser.
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The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi guys, it's Mari and you're listening to The Pursuit of Wellness. Okay guys, today on the show we have the meme queen, Violet Benson, better known for her online persona, Daddy Issues.

She's an internationally recognized Russian-born comedian, internet personality, dating expert, and podcast host. Violet and I are coming together for Mental Health Month to discuss our personal stories with mental health and to share tools that have helped us along the way. I'm so excited to hear more about her story today. Violet is also interviewing me on her podcast, Almost Adulting, so make sure you check that out.

Violet, welcome to the show. - Hi, thank you so much for having me. - Of course. I feel like we kind of overlapped in the meme world at some point. - Yes. - Because I was also, I was a meme, you were running the memes. - Yes.

Yes, but for some reason I don't recall you guys reaching out to me, which is fine. But I did see it. I did see your viral meme on every other meme account. And I followed you because you have the best memes. Period. And you are hilarious. Like in person, online, everywhere.

What's the story like how did daddy issues come to be and why is it called daddy issues, right? So basically with daddy issues I well I grew up with daddy issues and I assumed everyone in Los Angeles either has daddy issues or has a daddy That's kind of where I'm from, but I'm not from the US. I'm from Russia I grew up in Israel and then when I was 14, we won the green card lottery and we moved to the US What does that mean?

The green card lottery. Yeah, what is that? Oh, it's so funny. I just always assume everyone knows what I'm talking about. The green card lottery is basically a lottery to become a citizen in the US. And this happens in the Middle East and all over Europe. I don't know how this happened, but basically...

for my bat mitzvah we went to New York it was our first time in the U.S. and it was for my birthday my third uncle or whatever he is to us told my father that we should apply my dad was like oh that's so silly what are the odds and you're like he's like we have nothing to lose just do it

And he did it. And then a year later, they called her home in English. And I picked up and they said, hello, is your mom or dad home? And that's how we found out we won the green card lottery. It's a whole process to go through. It's not so simple. And you have to have you have to pay thousands of dollars to go through all the interviews. You have to do all these medical exams to make sure you're not sick or bring any diseases. Yeah.

to the US, they have to make sure that you also have enough money in your bank for a whole year if you don't work so you don't get on welfare or food stamps in the US. So things like that. So we went through all of that. And my parents after that always called me their lucky charm. Because I was the reason that supposedly that we won the green card lottery. And I think in a weird way, I kind of adapted their nickname for me as the lucky charm. And then I

I think my whole life, even though I'm a very awkward person, I kind of went through thinking that I'm lucky. I love that. So then I think things were always coming my way without me realizing. But as for daddy issues, prior to doing daddy issues, I was an accountant at a large public accounting firm. I can't picture that at all. Everyone says that, but I swear I was really good. I wanted to be a partner at my firm. What were the skills that you had that made you so good at accounting?

The skills that made me so good, and these are the skills that make me good with everything else in my life, is that I know I'm not the most talented or smartest in the room, but I will put in the most work. That's what it is at the end of the day, because there's always going to be someone better. Exactly. So I never thought of myself as being the smartest, but I knew I had something other people didn't. And that was the drive. I had the immigrant mentality because I didn't grow up rich.

And when I moved to the U.S., my dad lost most of our money. So I knew what it was like to not have money, to be poor and to work for everything I had. And also being foreign, English took me a while to adapt to English. I still have my two degrees and I have a degree in business law and accounting and a minor in, I think, economics. Does that even count? I don't remember. Which I know nothing about, by the way. I know nothing about that.

And but the women in my team were making my life miserable, which, you know what? What a blessing. And daddy issues was my escape that I created during one of the lowest points in my life. And it turned out to be something really beautiful. And I think that's a really cool thing that a lot of times during our lowest moments is when we create things.

a new beginning for ourselves and just for anyone listening who doesn't know daddy issues can you just explain what that page is like what's it all about so daddy issues itself it is a meme account for women i was i started about eight maybe nine years ago now it is about dating and relationships and sex it was anonymous for two years and then after two years i decided to quote unquote come out it was during the time that

People really cared about memes or at least it felt it seemed that people cared about who was behind my meme account. So I was able to connect my face to my brand and really make it into a brand. I know most most of the time now no one really cares about who's behind memes. But my inspiration was always the fat Jewish when I first created because I didn't have social media before I created Daddy Issues. Wow.

So I didn't care for social media. I never cared to post pictures of myself. And I was very lost when I was an accountant and I had no idea who I was. I was always getting knocked down for my personality. And then people kept sending me screenshots of the fat Jewish memes. And I was like, wow, wouldn't that be cool if people could just like you for just your personality and being funny? Because I was class clown and being an accountant was

My HR recommended that I get on medication to tone down my personality. No, no, no. Which when, okay. So when I say I was bullied in my accounting firm, I don't mean it the way people now just throw around those words. Like it was legit where HR had to constantly be involved without even me complaining because sometimes it's,

in the past they were they got caught like screaming at me in the room or is you know being and I would just be quiet because I would just be like okay whatever let's just this person shut up so I can go back to do my work but it it really did take a toll on me and I did get a medication because of that which I still take Adderall I've never been able to figure out how to stop which is the truth you started taking Adderall because it was so difficult to pay attention in that work environment no I just really wanted to be liked

I really wanted to get to the top. It took me a while to finally get so knocked down to realize like, okay, I'm never going to be promoted here. I'm never going to get the bonuses. No one's, because these women would start rumors about me. It was honestly the weirdest thing to this day. I still can't really grasp or understand the reasoning. It doesn't matter because clearly I think we all in life have our own path and accounting is just,

clearly wasn't for me. I learned a lot from it. I also understand. I understand how I am when I have a vision to succeed. Because I remember I was sitting with one of my partners and I said, I don't get why these women don't like me. Like, I don't even notice them. And he goes, Violeta, that's the problem. You have such tunnel vision to get to the top. You don't even notice them. You're the only one working on projects with partners because you completely just

ignored the managers and the senior managers and the senior accountants. You just went ahead of them. They wanted to be seen. They wanted to be seen. They wanted to be respected. So I completely understand from their point of view. So I do try to understand everyone's point of view. But it sounds like it went past that and became a toxic work environment, which I'm sure a lot of people listening can relate to. In general, yes.

Law large law law firms and large accounting firms are very toxic environments. It's a known thing I mean you get greater on your personality every three to six months It's it's like you go greater on your work on your work stuff and then you get graded on your personality and Everything you do is based on how many hours you build so if your manager one of your managers doesn't like you they will purposely not put you on a

assignments and you will then not give you will then not be able to bill enough and then you get on and then every month they send a list to everyone in the firm to show where people are graded and then if you don't get billed enough hours everyone can see because you're the lowest in the list and then you're you get on probation

- Interesting. - So it's not a joke. - I wouldn't survive there, 100%. Because I'm someone who I like to work. Yes, I have my lovely Fi here who's with me all day every day, but I am a little bit of a solo worker. Like I'm best motivated alone. I don't know about you. - I am too, I've realized now. - Yeah, 'cause I think when you're creative and you have a personality sometimes,

I don't know, like being in a team is great and I love lifting other people up, but when I want to get something done, I have to be alone. Yeah, I'm like that too. I understand now that maybe working with people isn't the best and I...

I don't view myself as a victim ever. And I really just tried to make the best out of every situation in my life. And obviously when I was going through it, it felt like the worst thing to happen to me. And I was always crying about it. But looking back now, I mean, how can I complain? I'm so thankful my whole life changed thanks to these women. So let's talk about that. Like at what stage did you say, okay, I've had enough. And what did you do?

after leaving? So I created Daddy Issues anonymously as a joke. I didn't think anything of it. No one knew I had it. And because of my obsessive personality and my good math skills, I kind of figured out that back then the algorithm of Instagram and I would always figure out when there was bugs or what I needed to do to kind of something to go viral. And then I also just would

Because at this point, I had no friends. I was super depressed. I stopped hanging out with any of my friends. And I would just go to work. I would show up. Because basically, the whole thing, if you want to impress the partners at your firm, you show up before the partner comes into work. And you leave after they leave, even if you have nothing going on. So that's what I would do. So I would show up at 6 a.m. And I would leave between 10 p.m. to 12 a.m.

That's what I would do. And then when I would go home, I basically gave myself an hour to two hours in my room where I would go on Fuck Jerry and the Fat Jewish and I would go on each of their hundred followers, the new followers that they had. And I would like two to three pictures of each follower in order to get those followers to follow me.

Because I realized that that's who I'm trying to attract. We would have the same fan base. And that's how I started to slowly grow my following. And then I came up with other different type of strategies to grab attention in order to get followers. And then I figured out how to grab, how to get a celebrity to follow me. I was like, okay, I have to get an attention of one of their friends who's not famous. And then eventually they'll tag the celebrity.

So I was just doing that every single night. So again, I put in a lot of work to get noticed and then it worked. A couple of months of doing daddy issues as a joke. My first celebrity was Joe Jonas to follow me because he's like obsessed with memes and

And him and his friends had an inside joke that Joe was daddy issues. Kind of like the gossip girl theory. Yes. And that also then inspired me to do that with other groups of people where they all would pretend that they're daddy issues. And then I would comment like outlandish things on their pictures. And they'd be like, who is this person?

So it was really funny. And then it started to be even funnier when people in my accounting firm were following daddy issues, including the women who don't like me. And I would just be like, oh my God, I knew you would like me if you just got to know me. And did you tell them it was you? No, no. Because I'd be like, oh, what are you guys looking at? Nothing. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

You guys have probably heard me talk about therapy so many times at this point. It really has been a constant for me throughout my journey. As you guys know, I've been through a lot and I can say that therapy has really been there for me the whole way ever since I was 14 years old.

I've been in therapy for various different reasons, but it's something that I've kept in my routine. And truly, I think I am the most healed version of myself today. And I credit a lot of that to therapy. And

Think about your day, think about your week, and just think about how much time you spend on yourself. I can't think of anything more valuable than spending an hour just talking about what's going on in your head, getting out in the open and getting professional advice. I know so many of us are so, so busy and it's difficult to take time out of your schedule.

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I used to care so much about portraying a perfect life and acting like everything was okay when really things were far from it. I was secretly battling anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder. So it was a lot. I'm Victoria Garrick, former division one athlete, mental health advocate, and host of Real Pod. Every Wednesday, I sit down with celebrities, athletes, entrepreneurs, and more to talk about the inner thoughts and feelings that we're all struggling with.

So leave the filters and face tunes at the door and join me on RealPod. So you know what's so interesting to me? Like I think nowadays everyone wants attention on social media. Like that's, you know, very common. But to be so motivated to grow your following without even having your face on it or people knowing who you are is kind of crazy. Like what do you think was driving you?

Well, I didn't know who I was. And I think I wouldn't have succeeded if it was focused on me, especially my work. I grew up getting bullied for my looks because I was born with a birth defect and other things I don't feel like talking about. So then when I was finally growing into my looks, which I, again, didn't care for, I was so focused on the work and the drive.

in my workplace and accounting, it had to do with me being now attractive. So it was the opposite of being bullied for being ugly. Now I'm being criticized for being attractive. That's why I'm getting projects. And again, I didn't care for it. I mean, it got to the point that I literally had to wear fully no makeup and the baggiest clothes. And they would still be like, oh, your skirt is not, it's not fully passing your knee. So I can't take you to the client. You're embarrassing us. Like shit like that. And you're like, oh my God, I don't know how much looser I can wear these clothes.

So then with daddy issues, the last thing I wanted was to focus on my looks. I was just, I didn't care about my looks. And I think we constantly do that where we judge people based on how they look. And I think the cool thing with daddy issues, the way it grew was because I was just posting about things that I thought I was silly about and then other women could relate. And then every woman that was following daddy issues was

probably imagine that I looked just like her. And that's what I really liked. And obviously it was a shock when I quote unquote came out as daddy issues and people saw what I actually look like. But I think that's what made it so successful. And plus also, I've always said that the followers of daddy issues, they really formed me because I didn't know who I was. And then slowly they were creating me because daddy issues was my alter ego. I was writing about this girl

So that is something I forgot to mention. I was writing about a girl. She was this cool girl because I felt so invisible. So she was this like really cool girl that I could never be like her. She was super rich. She was invited to all the parties. All the boys liked her. She definitely was invisible. She spoke up and she just got out of rehab. Her dad was British. Her mom was from New York. And she just got out of rehab and she created daddy issues.

And I researched the whole thing about where her dad is from, exactly where in England he's from, exactly where her mom is from, exactly the type of rehab she got. Like I literally wrote about it and she was my alter ego. And that's how I was able to go and write funny captions and create all these memes because I was creating most all of them when I first started because it was just her.

And then the more I continued daddy issues and where I started to feel like it wasn't alter ego, she was becoming me 'cause I felt more comfortable being in my own skin again, but it was literally only thanks to the people that were following daddy issues. - Is that where the name Violet Benson comes from? - Well, my full name is Violetta. So I gave her the first name Violet and then Benson, my real Jewish, I have a Jewish last name 'cause I'm Jewish. My real last name is Cohen.

And her last name was Benson because I Googled the top most popular British last names. Benson is like number two. So I gave her Viola Benson. Wow. And then the more I continued it, I had to actually wanted to go with my name.

And then all my agents, my managers were like, there's too many articles about you at this point, calling you Viola Benson. And I couldn't get into all my meetings through all the studios because of my ID. So at this point, and then my dad also asked me to change my name. He didn't want me because my dad were from Russia and Russia was very bad for Jews, especially for my dad, who's Abbasian.

a brown, very Jewish looking. He had the worst upbringing as a Jew. So he still has all that trauma. So he was like, people are going to come after you for being Jewish. And I was like, I feel like this is the one industry that maybe they won't. And he was like, no, they'll come after you. So I just legally changed my last name to Benson. So your relationship with your dad, I don't know how open you are to talking about it, but it was there anything related to that

With the name of the page. Yes. Yeah. I grew up with daddy issues. I have definitely spoken about it before. My dad and I have a good relationship now. And I will say the daddy issues in my pockets have helped me.

create that good relationship with my father. My father and I, we didn't grow up together. He worked away most of my life until we moved to the US and it was the first time we lived together and I could not stand the guy. It was the worst. We just did not get along and I kept thinking that my dad didn't love me based on how he would show his love. We didn't hug each other. We never kissed each other. It was just not our relationship because I understand now as a grown-up that he just didn't grow up that way. So

It wasn't until I was, I created Daddy Issues and I started to feel comfortable in my skin, thanks to the Daddy Issues followers. They made me feel good enough about myself to be myself. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I fit in and I finally didn't want to care to fit in anymore.

And it was this weird moment in my life where I started to think more and more about my relationship with my father. And I realized that, you know, growing up, I was always so scared to even hug my dad because I was like, what if he rejects me? What if he's like, don't touch me? Because I just didn't. It wasn't normal in my family. And a lot of Eastern European families are this way. And also Asian cultures are this way as well.

But finally, I said, you know what? What if tomorrow my dad's gone and he won't know that I love him? So I want him to know. So it was the first time in my life, thanks to daddy issues, that I just didn't care anymore about feeling rejected by my own father, which is such a weird concept where you start to think about that the first boy that ever rejected you is your dad. So I said, I'm going to start telling him that I love him. I'm going to start hugging him. And

I know I'm going to be rejected, but eventually at least he's going to know. So I accepted I'm going to be rejected. I was OK with it because I had enough confidence at this point. And I started doing that. So we would be on the phone and my dad, we barely talked on the phone, but my dad would actually call me. I'd be like, OK, wait, dad. He's like, what? And I'd be like, I love you.

And it's like silence hangs up. Then like a couple of times, like, you know, and then again, I love you. Silence hangs up. No, first he just hangs up. Then it's silence hangs up. Then eventually he goes, me too. Hangs up. Then eventually it was like, I love you too. And I remember it was one of his birthdays because usually we would talk more close around his birthday. So on his birthday, I wrote him a poem and

And the poem was released to me. And then my dad called me to talk about the poem. It was still hard for me to also get emotions back. So I let it go to voicemail. And in the voicemail, he was very thankful for the poem. And he was just like, oh, that made me cry. I love you, Momo. I was like, oh.

I know. I still get like teary eyed when I think about like my connection with my dad. It's so sweet. Yeah, because I think sometimes the relationships that take that work. No, don't cry. It's my Adderall, sorry. No, it's okay.

I can relate. Honestly, I need a page called Mummy Issues because that was my thing. And you mentioned the different cultures. I don't know if other people listening who are British can relate, but my family was the same way. Yeah, British people are pretty cold. And I would love to get to the level of confidence that you had to say I love you to your dad because it is scary. And I feel like that deep-rooted rejection...

is so difficult to overcome regardless of whether it's with your parents or with other people too but you don't realize that you will you can experience that type of rejection emotions with your parents you just always assume it's a boy that I like you don't realize that you actually experience the same fears of rejection with your family as well it doesn't seem normal yeah but you can try because you because one of the reasons I have my podcast almost adulting

Is because I genuinely start to feel so curious about learning more about love languages and why people do what they do. And that's why I try so hard to better understand where people are coming from, because I

You know, being anonymous for me, as daddy was such a blessing because of that, because I really got to people got to know me without judging me at first. So it was the same thing. And that's how I learned about love languages. I realized, oh, my dad was raised in a really broken household where he never got kissed or hugged. But his dad was a drunk who spent all their money on women and things like that. So he never they were so poor. And then he got beat up to death for being a Jew and left them with nothing.

Well, he went to jail and they got beat up to death and left them with nothing. And they were so poor. So he never gave my father a roof over their head or any stability. So my dad, to show me that he loved me, he said, I'll never be like my father. So he stayed away from alcohol and he gave me a roof over my head and he made sure to always pay for my education, even when we didn't have money. That was the one thing he took care of. And

And that was his way to show me he loved me. And then all I want was to be hugged and kissed as a child. Obviously, you're not understanding love languages, but like he did love me. I just didn't know. So then when I got older, because we know when you get older, your love languages become what you didn't get as a child. So those my those that's what those were my love languages, words of affirmation and in touch. So then I started doing that with my dad and my whole family dynamic has changed. We all hug. We all kiss.

My dad always tells me how proud he is of me, how much he loves me. So it's sweet. And, you know, I'm so thankful that it, yeah, it took a couple of years to go through it and it wasn't always, didn't always feel good, but the outcome now is great. So at least I know I tried. Wow. I'm pretty inspired right now because I haven't,

I can relate in so many ways. Like my love language is very much words of affirmation and physical touch because I didn't get either of those things growing up. And my husband's are not because he received those things. So he likes acts of service. And I think figuring that out was interesting for me because I, you assume that everyone has the same love language as you, you know, it's difficult to understand.

that it's good that you know your husband's love language because sometimes we think people don't love us and we don't realize that they do love us. They keep showing us how much they love us. Yeah. Taking out the trash, cooking. To me, I was like, oh, he's just being a guy. He's doing what he's supposed to be doing. And he's like, no, I'm showing you that I care about you. I'm taking care of you. I love you. I was like, no, I need you to like climb on top of me. Like I need touch. So it's great to hear that your relationship with your dad is still good now.

Let's talk about acne.

Acne has been the bane of my existence for my entire 20s. I never had acne as a teenager. And then suddenly when I turned around 21, 22, I started seeing cystic acne. And then of course, like many women, I was put on birth control and I've had a whole journey of coming off birth control and dealing with acne at age 28. And I've had a lot of

You guys may have heard a previous episode. I had Kaylee and Danielle of Clear Stem Skincare come on the show and you guys absolutely loved the episode. We talked all things acne, ways to heal acne from the inside out and skincare. So

I am now using a full clear stem regimen. After that episode, I had a call with Danielle and I'm using the cleanser. I'm exfoliating. I'm using the serums. I'm moisturizing. And I feel really good about the products I'm using because they're clean plus anti-aging. So they're non-toxic, anti-acne and anti-aging all at the same time.

Plus, Danielle and Kaylee know what it's like to go through acne. I think that's the biggest thing for me is so many people give recommendations, but none of them have actually been through acne. So I really feel like I can trust them and I'm loving my skin regimen.

And I love the fact that it's formulated by the acne guru herself and based on over eight years of clinical work at San Diego Acne Clinic. They also have a supplement named Mind Body Skin, which is considered the best natural alternative to Accutane. I have avoided going on Accutane my whole journey, and I'm really glad that I did. I'm really happy that they offer this supplement.

Go to clearstemskincare.com and use code POW for 15% off your order. That's clearstemskincare.com. Use code POW for 15% off.

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How does he feel about the name of the page? He laughs about it. He doesn't mind. He's so passive now. I even got him a Daddy Issues sweatshirt and he wore it to work one day. And people were so confused.

I heard you say on a different podcast that everyone is a loser. You kind of had this realization. Can you talk to us about that? Because I love that theory. Okay, so my theory that everyone's a loser is that I too am a loser. So if you just one day remove, because, okay, here's the thing. You spend your whole life worrying so much about what everyone else thinks about you until one day you get older and you realize that no one was ever thinking about you at all. Yeah.

And that's where that comes in. So during high school, A, I had to obviously adapt to a new language, English.

And then I was getting social anxiety like a lot of people have now. So I decided, OK, time to grow up. So I always used to do these things where I kind of forced myself to grow up without anyone asking me to. I don't know why, but I said, OK, time to grow up. If I get have social anxiety, I'm going to fix it. What do I do in high school? I started showing up to high school parties on my own. So instead of going with my friends, I just I'm going to go by myself and I'm going to it's going to force me to talk to people.

And I'm just going to get over it like that. And that's what I did all throughout high school and all throughout college, because you start to realize slowly that and when I would come up to people, I remember this one party I went to now that I'm older. And I suddenly saw this one girl who was talking to the guy I just stopped talking to because I stalked her. This is a couple of years ago.

And I was like, okay, whatever. Don't acknowledge it. Just talk to everyone. I talked to everyone. The end of the party, I remember she came up to me and she said, by the way, how do you do that? And I go, do what? And she goes, you're just so cool. You just like talk to everyone and you're just so social. Like, I wish I could be like that. And I'm thinking, if only you knew, I've stalked your page. Yeah.

for months now being so envious of you because and I'm like that's so crazy because I look at you you're so tall you're so beautiful I was thinking I wish I could look like you and you're here thinking I'm so confident and cool that's so sweet obviously I didn't tell her about the guy but that was just one of those moments you kind of realize oh right

No one is as cool as they pretend to be. Everyone is looking around thinking, oh my God, is that person looking at me? Oh my God, is that person being rude to me? Oh my God, that person's rolling their eyes. So like no one gives a shit. So when you walk in the room and you act like you're the most confident person ever,

then you will be the most confident person in the room. So every time I walk into a room, I just own it. It doesn't matter if I feel insecure or not, because I tell myself everyone's a loser. No one knows what they're doing. Everyone's insecure because I've met all these people that act super cool. I've talked to them. They're insecure. Everyone that you see on social media is so insecure. And the prettier people are, the more insecure they are. And I've also dealt with people that are really rude when I go into these social events and they're not that friendly. You think I give a shit? No, because they're

a fucking loser. And I'm going to go back to my life and I'm going to hang out with my cat. I'm going to have the best night ever. And then they're going to go back to their pathetic life where they're just super miserable when people are mean to you. Not

99% of the time has nothing to do with you. They're projecting. It's coming from where they're inside. If I wake up and I'm having a bad day, then I'm going to think that everyone else is giving me dirty looks or being mean to me. And that's what I'm going to project. If I wake up and I have a beautiful day, then I'm probably not going to notice that people are not being nice to me. I'm probably going to notice that people are waving at me, smiling at me, and then I'm going to smile back.

Like, if you just go about your day and you just try to smile that day or try to be a little extra nice, you will see the change it will make in your day. You'll smile. They smile back at you. Oh, my God, you look really pretty. I really like your dress. Oh, no, you're so pretty. Oh, my God, you think so? Thank you so much. Now you're walking around. You made their day. Now they're going to be nicer to someone else and so on, you know?

I love this theory. The second you said I was like, she's right. Because I mean, I guess even having a podcast, you kind of realize, you know, like sitting down with people who you admire so much, like I started my podcast January, and I've gotten to sit with people who

I would be so intimidated to speak to. - Is it me? - It's you, I'm highly, yeah. No, it's you, I'm terrified. No, but you know what I mean? Like you sit down with someone for an hour and by the end of it, you can be like, oh, we're friends. - Or they're a terrible person. You're like, okay, cool, now I know. - Or they're terrible and they have nothing interesting to say. And you're like, okay, well, I thought you were super cool online and clearly you have nothing to say. You know what I mean? Or you get surprised by someone.

It's someone that you don't expect to have a good conversation with and you do. I feel like we never know what's going on with someone else. And as you said, no one's thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves. No one's thinking about you. Even people are mean to you. They're actually not thinking about you. They're being mean to you because they're projecting. 100%. I want to talk about PCOS.

Okay. And like fertility. I didn't realize, by the way, that it was such a thing. Everyone has it. When I mentioned it randomly, so many women reached out to me saying, how come you haven't spoken about it before? Can you talk about it more? And then I even had podcasts reach out to me saying, can you talk about PCOS more? And I didn't even realize. Oh, it's insane. That it was such a thing. It's insane. Like everyone is having PCOS symptoms or they're screening for PCOS. Yeah.

Because of all of the toxins in today's society, we can't avoid them. And it's all in all of our food. It's in all of our drinks. Yeah. I didn't know that. I know that there's PCOS different levels for each person. I've had hormone imbalance since I was really young. So I got on birth control when I was 17. I just got my first boyfriend, but they...

They didn't put me on birth control because I was beginning to be sexually active, putting in birth control for hormone imbalance. But they put me on the lower dose. So when I got on birth control, I lost weight, which, by the way, that's already something that should have been a little ding, ding, ding. That's weird. But I never thought anything about it. And then I was on birth control from 17 until I was 32. Wow. Wow.

So you came off recently? Yeah, maybe actually 33, until 33. So I got off of it around 10 months ago. Did you get your period back? Yeah, so here's the thing. I got off birth control and then I gained over 10 pounds.

Well, I tried to get out of birth control a couple of years ago and I sunk into, I gained so much weight and I sunk into depression. And I thought it was because I got off birth control and Adderall at the same time. So I connected to Adderall and I got back on both because I was, I hit suddenly one of my lowest depressions and I didn't understand why PCOS. I didn't know. I was like, must be the Adderall. So I got back on both to lose weight because I started to get bullied for gaining weight and including by one of the guys I dated. Yeah.

So I was like, okay, this isn't good for me. But it was one of my lowest depressions. And I even talk about every time during mental health, I talk, I wrote like a whole poem about it. And I talked about that depression. It didn't make sense. No idea that it was my hormones. So then again, years go by at 33, I get off of my birth control. I gained over 10 pounds. I get insane acne on my chest, my back, my face.

It doesn't make sense. I'm now insecure about anyone touching my body. And I don't care. I get it. The people are going to be like, oh, who cares? You know, love yourself. I could tell you to love yourself as much as you want. But if you don't feel good about yourself, then you don't feel good about yourself. I didn't feel comfortable anymore to be naked. And now I'm gaining weight. And now I'm going to the point where I'm trying to diet. And I've never dieted before. I'm trying to diet. Nothing's working. I'm just not losing the weight and my hormones.

And I'm starting to think I'm going fucking mental in my brain. And I can't understand what's wrong. But finally, slowly, it starts to calm down. I had to really, I cut out late night eating. That was probably the worst thing. So I used to have this amazing habit that I'm obsessed with, which was basically I would love to eat bread, pasta, all these things as I'm falling asleep. And I would eat it until I fall asleep. So the food just like stays on.

I mean, like it was pretty bad, but it was like in bed. Yeah, it was my favorite time.

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I have been wearing Nike since the beginning of my fitness journey from Metcons on leg day, which by the way, they are the best leg day shoe, to Air Force Ones for my street style looks, to the sports bras and shorts for my workouts. They have literally been there every step of the way, and I am beyond honored to be working with them. What a dream come true. I love the fact that Nike is focused on holistic fitness. They know that women are multidimensional, and so are the ways we feel good in our bodies.

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Do you know what's funny? I do like to bring chocolate to bed. Like dark chocolate. So right. But I would do like ice cream, pasta, bread until I fall asleep. And then I wake up and the bread and all the pot food is still next to me and I eat it. And I was always good at weight because I was on birth control. Now I'm gaining the weight and I had to cut that out, which was really depressing because and I get it. That's binge eating. It's actually really bad for you. It was probably a big issue for me. It was fine. It

It was brought me happiness. So I was like, okay, I need to find new ways to find happiness. And I have to cut this out. Because again, as usual, I was getting bullied for my way because people love to tell you when you look bad and it was affecting me. And also the acne was, the acne was affecting me because for fuck's sake, I'm now not having sex and I have acne all over my body. Like, I feel like I'm a teenager again. This sucks. I hate my life. So yeah.

I started to lose weight slowly. It took me 10 months to lose those 10 pounds or maybe a little less. And then I went through freezing my eggs. Right. But did you get your period back? Yes. So you had your period. It was so painful. Okay. It took me a while to get my period back. I would say I did get my period back normally right after, but it was...

So I don't have the issue where my period is not coming around. Because mine didn't come back after stopping the pill. Mine came back. But first it took up. It was always coming back a week late. So every time it goes a week later and a week later and a week later in the period itself, I never experienced such painful periods. Like the first the first few periods were so painful.

And the migraines were insane. And the acne was out of control. Like I still have like right here, there's these weird, like I've spots here, dark spots here from the acne. And I usually, I still like right here. I mean, I currently am breaking out all along my jaw. I get like my crazy acne, I get it underneath my chin and my neck. Yeah. And it's just now clearing up my chest and my back.

As I finally start to feel comfortable with it. That's the funny part. Yeah. It's kind of like when you finally get over the guy, that's when he calls you. It's the same thing with my acne. I finally was like, fuck, you know what? I'm done. I think part of it's stress, you know, because stress can make it worse. Exactly. So with your hormones, um,

was it elevated estrogen or testosterone? Estrogen. Oh, wow. That's where you gain the weight. And I still didn't realize it's PCOS until I went through egg freezing recently. And I started to produce too many eggs.

Too many follicles. Follicles that hold the eggs because your eggs will still be shitty eggs. And that's when you go, the doctor like joked about it, which is, I don't, I don't, to be, to be, to be fair, I genuinely do not understand the medical world at all, especially when it comes to care for women and our mental health. They, they act as if when we, like our physical pain is much more important than our mental health. And they pretend like,

oh you're just emotional no you put me in fucking hormones that's what I'm going through right now but I remember when I was I was reducing all these follicles and there was all these extra things I had to do and I go and he mentioned PCOS and I go wait I have PCOS and he goes oh yeah yeah definitely and then didn't explain it further so I had to do the research to realize to start connecting the dots and

That's why I was so effing depressed a couple of years ago. That's why I gained weight getting off birth control. And everyone keeps saying that's so weird. We all lost weight. Everyone loses weight getting off birth control. I lost weight getting on it and gained weight getting off of it. That's why I was getting acne because I have too much estrogen. That's why I'm gaining like it's hard for me to lose weight. But like to this day now, people ask me, how do you maintain your weight?

literally have to now watch what I eat. I'm not going to pretend. You know, people on the internet love to pretend that they eat whatever they want. No, I eat very small portions. I mean, I...

sometimes eat late at night because I miss it. But not what I used to. I appreciate the honesty because you're right. People, I mean, I'm sure you see these what I eat in a days. People are claiming they eat all. Oh, Bella Hadid is like, my favorite thing is pizza every day. Can we just confirm that that's not true? That cannot be true. It's not. It drives me crazy. The pasta, the pizza, she's like drinking. I don't think she drinks anymore, but it drives me crazy because I think people

In your late 20s or 30s as women, like you have to change the way you eat. Especially if you have these issues. Of course, you talk to these other women at PCOS and they all have different symptoms. Like you said, you have not gotten your periods afterwards. How did you get it back? I don't have it still. Okay. Yeah, I'm on the journey. Yeah, no. So I...

technically have PCOS symptoms also, but I have the high testosterone. So I break out. Oh my God. Yeah. So different. I guess you can have either one, but I don't have my period. I have hormonal acne. I have to eat very, very clean to maintain my body weight. All the symptoms you were describing. That is so interesting because when I thought I had estrogen, I was like, oh, I must be more feminine. I'm attracting all the men. Yeah.

I first said that. Yeah, I'm masculine. And then it was like, no, you're going to be really like fatter. You're going to gain loads of weight. You're not going to lose it and you're going to get acne. I was like, oh, that is not what I imagined. Well, and what you said about the medical system is so true. It drives me insane. You have to basically be your own doctor as a woman. I got...

I got high symptoms of OHSS during my egg retrieval. What is OHSS? Which is basically when you have PCOS and those other symptoms, you are a risk for that, which where you, cause I produce, I ended up producing 50 follicles. So they have to scrape them out all the way to like the top of my stomach. And when I finished the procedure, cause leading up to it, I was doing fine. Like I wasn't processing my emotions or anything like that, which is normally how I am as a person. Um,

And everyone was upset that I wasn't up because needles doesn't scare me. I'm a very logical person. So I process things differently. I have very delayed reactions to things. That's why I try logically to understand emotions. And it wasn't until the day of surgery that I started to feel these hormones and motions. And then after surgery, I said when they removed 50 follicles out of me and then 30 eggs, I said, I think I think.

Something's wrong. I think I need to be on medication. I think I need some painkillers. And they're like, no, you're fine. So they sent me home with no painkillers. So they told me I'm fine. And my dumb ass after surgery went to T-Mobile to try to fix my phone. And then I went to In-N-Out to try to get food. And then In-N-Out, I started to get hot flashes and I had to sprint to the bathroom to throw up because I wasn't fine. And what am I doing thinking my body's fine? And then I went into bed. And then for two, three days, I couldn't walk or sit because of the excruciating pain from my vagina to my stomach to move. Wow.

And I texted my doctor and I said, I'm not fine. Something's wrong. And he's like, and the people were like, well, that's so weird because everyone else we dealt with, they were fine. I'm like, okay, I don't care. Like, don't gaslight me. I don't care what's going on with other people. I'm not fine. And luckily I just had a root canal a week before. So I have painkillers. And he's like, okay, yeah, that's good. Actually, yeah, you should take the Prozac and you should take the Motrin. I was like, right. So thank God I have it in my house. Like, why wouldn't you tell me? Why?

What was okay. So I'm very curious about that. Because Oh, Oh, HSS. Okay. I have been curious about egg freezing. I would still recommend doing it. Okay. I just wish it was successful for you. Yes, it was successful. But I don't mind going through these things as long as I know it's going to happen. Yeah, I didn't know.

those two three days were going to be painful and then afterwards my emotions because my pcos went out of control i was so emotional and i was sitting there feeling like suicidal is feeling like no one loves me no one cares about me i was dating someone i ended with him i was like you don't care about me and i was just like why am i feeling so and i and i would just go over my day and i would start crying and i'm like no one cares about me no one's checking in i don't matter and it was like

Like all these emotions. And it took me like two weeks to finally go on Reddit chats. Because when you Google about egg retrieval as usual, again, it says women go back to work after a day or two. They're fine. But it wasn't fine. I was in pain. And then my emotional pain. And then I went through Reddit chats and the Reddit chats were like, I feel like I'm going mental. And I was like, there are my people. Okay, I'm not alone. And then as a logical person seeing that, I said, oh, I'm not actually, people don't not care about me.

It's in my head. Okay. It's in my head. We calm down. Talk to your therapist. Like I checked in with therapist. I was like, okay, okay. These emotions, they're not, it's in my head. This is not the reality because we are our worst narrators of our own life.

So once I could understand things logically, I calmed down. Obviously not everyone's gonna have the same experience, but whether it's getting off birth control, whether it's post-pregnancy when women go through the postpartum depression, whether it's egg retrieval, there's all these things that we as women go through

forget the physical pain is emotional pain and no one explains to us properly that it's normal what we're experiencing and we go through these things alone and then the men who are our partners they also don't understand because no one's telling them that it's normal so they're like oh she's just being emotional I will kill you

No, quite literally, I might kill you. But it's crazy because it messes with the hormones so much. And that was my question for you is how bad were the mood swings with the hormonal changes? And I'm shocked that they didn't warn you about that.

Yeah. And as usual, as a woman, I'm thinking I'm here wanting to blame myself being like, well, I should have asked. Yeah, of course. I'm like, I should have asked. I should have, you know, I made it seem like everything was fine in the beginning. It's on me. Like, that's literally my brain is thinking. But am I still going through emotions? I genuinely still now it's been.

three weeks past it, I still don't know whether or not any emotions I experience right now, if it's PCOS, post the hormones or what. Like, I don't know. I only stopped injecting myself last week. And I just finished my first period. So I still don't know if right now I'm myself

Someone else. Someone else. I don't know. I don't know who I am. We're finding out on this podcast, Lifetime, we're having an identity crisis. So you would recommend it. And why did you decide to go public with your, like going through it with your experience? I wasn't planning on it. And then I randomly posted about it and all the women that reached out, it was overwhelming. And I didn't realize as usual that it was such a thing. So I

I started posting about my process because I did it for...

In case in the future, I want to get pregnant. So a lot of us women, we wait until we're older. And that's usually when you see a lot of the women going through a lot of issues to get pregnant. So I wanted to show that you can also do preservation where you decide now to go through this process. You don't have to worry about that when you're older. Because I've talked to women who are 29 years old and they could only extract six eggs their first round. And it's not easy. It's an...

I'm glad I did it. I'm not going to tomorrow decide to go through my second round. I've went through enough for now. But I definitely recommend women to consider this. And insurance does cover it for a lot of women. If they have a good employment, they just have to ask their employer. And it covers a lot of it. So I definitely think it's something to consider. Not to mention, 40% of infertility issues are because of men. Hmm.

mm-hmm so that's another thing men think they have till they're 70 or 80 to finally i'm too i'm not ready for a baby i'm only 75 so it's like maybe it's time for you to finally consider it but like well i have infertility issues because of men i think you make a good point as well i think a lot of women do wait too long and now we have the science to where you don't need to do that and as we age we have less and less eggs

our uterus health isn't as good, our overall health isn't as good. I personally would love to preserve what I have right now while I'm still young. And let's say I did get pregnant naturally at some point, you still have those eggs for later on if you wanted to have a second child or third child, whatever it may be. Exactly, because it remains at the same age and the same health that when you were at that age. And plus, especially when you have PCOS, you can either not get pregnant or you produce a lot of, because like I said, it produced 50 follicles

But there weren't good eggs in 30 of them. Yeah. I mean, sorry, 20 of them. Yeah. So to wrap up our convo, which by the way, I am thankful for my eggs because that is a really good number. So I don't want to rub anyone the wrong way for who is sensitive about it. And if you have PCOS, I believe if you can change your lifestyle,

And yes, control what's going on. You can reverse the symptoms and you can get your period back. I mean, I'm not a doctor, so I can't. I can only speak for my own body. Mm hmm.

I was lucky enough, I guess I didn't, I didn't even, I didn't know. People, they put me on a hormonal imbalance. I didn't know it was because no one told me. I only was finding these things out during egg retrieval. Yeah. And people, they use, they use birth control as a bandaid for all of these issues. Yes. Yes.

So I do think you can control and as long as you logically you know what's going on it can't really help you. Yeah. But yeah I do have to be very self-aware of what I eat. Yeah.

Me as well. I think a lot of us are going through this right now. I think that's why it's such a popular topic because everyone can relate because everyone's having hormonal issues. I know. I just don't like when people say, oh my God, whatever, eat whatever you want, blah, blah. No, I'm not going to do that because I don't want to. It doesn't make me feel good. Right. And it's going to make my symptoms worse. Why would I do that to myself? You want to live optimally and feel your best and perform every day. Yeah. And not to, not to

even in terms of the way you look, but if certain foods make you feel bad. Well, when I cut out the way I was eating, just my portions, I still eat. I still drink soda. I love Coke. I was going to say I love cocaine. I don't do cocaine. I love Coke. I'm going to pull that song back.

I love Mexican Cokes. I still drink that. I still eat ice cream, but I keep small portions. I don't finish. I never, if I eat fatty foods, I don't finish them. That's the truth. And cutting all that stuff back, including late night eating, not only did it cut out nightmares that I would have every night from eating like shit every night before I fell asleep, my acne disappeared. Wow. So, and my moods and I had more energy. Yeah. Yeah. It has an impact on absolutely everything. Yeah.

What would you say to a woman listening who is in the same position you were in before daddy issues or right when you started? I guess the message that I would give is that if you one day wake up and you feel like you are not currently happy with your life, whatever your life is, I want you to know that you do have a choice.

And I know it's really hard to hear that because you don't want to believe it, but you do. So every day you wake up, you ask yourself, is this working for me? Whatever is happening in your life, whether it's your relationship, your job, your life. And if one day you wake up and you say, no, it's not happening. I'm not happy with this. It's not working for me. Then

you can change it. You do have a choice and you can start small. You can start with changing your hobbies. You can start with finally leaving your partner that doesn't treat you well. You can start with working on yourself and it takes day by day, but eventually you will look back six months afterwards and you look back and you realize, holy shit, so much changed in those six months. But I want people who are listening to know they

We all have a choice and we choose every single day what we're going to do with our lives. I'm not saying you can become a billionaire tomorrow, but you have a choice to start a new job, to start a new career, to start a new life, to move to a new country. You have a choice.

100% love it. Mic drop. Where can people find you online? Where can they listen to the show? People can find me my name is Viola Benson. Is it though? On my Instagram, my podcast is almost adulting new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday.

And right now we're in the mental health month. And also you can find her on my podcast. Definitely listen to our episode together after this episode. I'm not sure which one comes out first. And also if you want to laugh, you can check out daddyissues underscore, which is my meme account. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for having me.

Thank you for listening to today's episode. Go comment on my last Instagram at Mari Llewellyn with the guest you want to see next. I'll be picking one person from the comments to send our bloom greens to. Make sure you hit follow so you never miss my weekly episodes. If you enjoyed the conversation, be sure to share and leave a review. See you next week.

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.